The ultimate mind-force warrior has finally met his match...
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gellaho
🎄 This is a Festive Book Cage Announcement 🎄
FancyShark
Fuck yeah!
gellaho
Monday, December 20th, 5pm Eastern. It's the Christmas edition of Psi-Man: The Chaos Kid.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway pin my festive announcement, please. Or The Chaos Kid will crack you open like an oyster
FancyShark
Sadly, this is another one I have to miss because of family holiday stuff. But I will be here in spirit!
I still look forward to reading everyone's jokes when I get back
gellaho
Peter David decided that the book after this one takes place December 26th, and that ain't happening. So this will be the last in my streak of Psi-Man days
The last book takes place "Early Summer, 2022." Psi-Man ends extremely vague
FancyShark
Wow, he really thought this would all work better if it happened over the course of a few months
That means Chuck has had to learn to sack up several times a month
gellaho
Definitely
That description says almost nothing
FancyShark
It's going to either be a literal kid who's too strong for Chuck to slap sense into or a psychic with a cowboy gimmick
gellaho
Take a look at these cover art consultants
gellaho
What do you think the canine and self-defense consultants added to that cover?
FancyShark
"So if you got hit by Force Lightning, would you stagger or stumble?"
"I'm hanging up now."
FancyShark
I have to assume the canine consultant told the artist every idea they had for the dog was unrealistic until they omitted it entirely
Because otherwise they blew a lot of money on that consultation
gellaho
I'm trying to figure out what Simon is standing on, or where the water is coming from
FancyShark
Yeah. The water suggests it's a buoy, but the cables and steel beams suggest a bridge
Both the wrong size for that picture
gellaho
Sky looks nice for a world where the sun has been blotted out by pollution
Radio Smasher GDC
Much like Peter David himself, the cover artist usually forgets that the story is supposed to be post-apocalyptic.
Alpha Bro Greg (Wizard)
"The ultimate mind-force warrior has finally met his match"
"So how do we draw this?"
"How about Psy-Man effortlessly killing a child with his death magic?"
gellaho
Coming up at the top of the next hour, David Peter's/Peter David's Psi-Man: The Chaos Kid
FancyShark
I think Carmen's going to live a long, full life
gellaho
Time to begin
gellaho
Could you even imagine, the year 2021
FancyShark
It's been a few weeks since Fartgate, so I assume Not-Disney has been executed for treason
gellaho
A fantastic vision of the future: telephonic booths
FancyShark
Romanova. So...Brazilian?
gellaho
A phone call for Ruskie Russianikov
FancyShark
Alex is a top agent
Who forgets when he's not on a video call
gellaho
"Matt will elevate us above President Fart"
FancyShark
"Did we need four phone calls for this conversation?"
gellaho
Meanwhile: a kid doesn't get picked for football
FancyShark
Paulie would grow up to be Christopher Jarvis
And still not get picked for football
gellaho
Chuck Simon watches creepily from the distance
FancyShark
His continuing effort to slightly alter his appearance but still be totally identifiable
gellaho
Cover artist really doesn't like representing what Chuck looks like
FancyShark
"I made a Lightning Adonis. Fuck you if you can't appreciate it!"
gellaho
FancyShark
Isn't this stupid? Hi, I'm Peter David, the person that wrote this stupid thing and the one calling it stupid
gellaho
Maybe you should spend some time thinking about why this happened, Peter
FancyShark
I want David's reason to be that 'Rommel' sounds like a Scooby-Doo utterance, but even I know that's reaching
gellaho
Chuck Simon interferes in a children's football game
FancyShark
Jesus, Paulie. You need an imaginary friend
gellaho
Ah, yes, football groupies
gellaho
Dogs: not known for playing catch
FancyShark
Hi, folks. Peter David again. Yes, I absolutely believe that football players are guaranteed sex
gellaho
Jesus, that'd be pathetic
gellaho
Chuck gets in an argument with his future car
FancyShark
When did he get this?
A bulletproof car seems like the kind of thing you'd want in every scenario he's faced
gellaho
He was gifted the RAC 3000 by not-Disney
The return of President Fart
FancyShark
Ah, gotcha
gellaho
Just tossing out the phrase "gag thriller" like that's a thing
FancyShark
"Erotic condolence letter"
"Three act recipe book"
I think if your movie has the word 'fart' in the title, it's required to be a kids movie with celebrity voices
gellaho
Matthew Olivetti teen sociopath
FancyShark
"Apparently"?
Pete, you're in control of this universe. You can be more assured
gellaho
Fun kid
FancyShark
Oh, okay. This is The Omen
gellaho
I wonder what this kid's deal is, I can't quite put my finger on it
FancyShark
I can't wait to see how Chuck dicks around for half the book before confronting him
gellaho
A child named Gil put a dead rat in Matt's locker. So he does this
FancyShark
Holy shit
gellaho
Right before that, he bet Gil $100 it would snow in San Fransisco
So he can control the weather
FancyShark
An actually-scary and powerful villain? Are we reading the right author?
Also, this kid doesn't seem to fuck around. Chuck's going to get his ass handed to him
gellaho
Then he burns the hell out of this kid
FancyShark
Fuck!
So we've got weather control, telekinesis, pyrokinesis, hydrokinesis
gellaho
Luckily Chuck Simon senses(?) Matt and just rolls up
FancyShark
huh. Well, alright then
This is starting off way too promising. Is Pete going to give us a good story or will he flop after the opening?
gellaho
That sounds just like President Fart
FancyShark
And the NRA quietly nodded in assent
gellaho
Peter David has a weird understanding of the American people
FancyShark
yeah
gellaho
It's not like he grew up in the sixties or anything
FancyShark
Or was around for Vietnam
gellaho
OK, now it's just the force
gellaho
Or Spidey sense
FancyShark
And this power was definitely there the whole time
Really
Totes
FancyShark
Heya, Brendan!
Signore Bastardo
:waves a sharkflipper:
FancyShark
Chuck helped a loser child catch a football and the bad guy is basically Damien meets Storm meets Pyro
The kid has a god complex and is a complete sociopath
gellaho
One kid got burned in the by scalding water in the shower
Second kid just got burned to death
FancyShark
He also made it snow just to win a bet with the kid he scalded
And he dropped a tree on a kid that made a joke at him
gellaho
Chuck Simon: Master of Disguise
FancyShark
"Chuck Green, the pedophile?"
Signore Bastardo
No, that's my brother!
"Your parents named both of you Chuck?"
FancyShark
"We were...twins?"
Signore Bastardo
The kid or Chuck Simon: Psyman?
FancyShark
The kid
He can control the weather, it looks like
But also has pyrokinesis, telekinesis and hydrokinesis
gellaho
For some reason, a priest called Father Pertwee asks Chuck to a secret meeting
Signore Bastardo
If you have TK, you have all the other Ks.
That priest is gonna die.
FancyShark
I guess Peter watched some classic Dr Who
gellaho
Matthew Olivetti is a little rich boy
Signore Bastardo
Maybe tonight, maybe at the meet, but he's going to choke out half a piece of useful info.
FancyShark
Matthew is going to turn out to be descended from Mussolini or something
gellaho
Matthew decides to go to the hospital to creep over the dead body, I guess
Man, it must be really easy to write about psychics. You can just type "some sort of instinct" whenever you want!
FancyShark
That last sentence is doing a lot of work
Signore Bastardo
The Force.
If you're going to invent superpowers, you need some rules.
FancyShark
Oh right. Chuck has spidey-sense for psychics now
Signore Bastardo
Matthew's three discrete levels of unconscious.
gellaho
I'm 99% sure the priest is that Russian spy Alex
FancyShark
oh yeah! Forgot about the Very Russian Spy at the start of the book
Matthew, the phrase is "stranger danger"
Or "stalker"
Either way, that priest is dead
gellaho
That's why there are no people in San Francisco in 2021
gellaho
People love experiencing real life tragedies as amusements
Signore Bastardo
That's gonna wreak chaos in your grocery supply chain.
gellaho
That's why we have all those 9/11 simulators
FancyShark
Peter's calling out 2014 too?
gellaho
He's also confused a minor league team for the San Francisco Giants
Considering this takes place in San Francisco, he shouldn't fuck that up
Signore Bastardo
Not the Red Sox's best year, TBH.
FancyShark
lol
Signore Bastardo
I'm guessing the Giants moved because of the increasingly vocal tectonics.
gellaho
What a fun diversion
Signore Bastardo
It's like how the Cubs had become the Cubbies in BttF2
Signore Bastardo
GODDAMIT, BUCKNER, HOW DID YOU DO THIS
FancyShark
Please tell me they called that quake Wrath of the Bambino
Because there's no way this was written before that curse was broken
gellaho
FancyShark
Fuckin' called it!
It's Mormon vs Antichrist
gellaho
Peter David may be out of his depth
Signore Bastardo
"Antichrist Superstar was a great album," mused Chuck, to the boys at the park. "Probably Manson's best until The Way of All Flesh."
"Cliff Manson?" asked one of the boys, "The platinum-selling harpsichordist?"
"No, his father," said Chuck. "A real bad boy of the music biz." Demonstrating his point, he crushed a nearby fire hydrant with TK to demonstrate to the children the power one man was capable of once he forsook society's mores.
Wait a second...LYLE OLIVETTI
EVIL TOT TELLY
This child is going to become world-famous as the first reality show antichrist
FancyShark
I'm just glad he didn't find a way to give them nazi names
gellaho
Not quite
FancyShark
Aw, he was born on Christmas? That's sweet
Definitely gets shorted on presents though
Signore Bastardo
"When did game shows become reality shows?" Chuck wondered. It was probably after President Chelsea Clinton ordered Congress to pass laws forbidding fiction on TV. Though controversial at the time, the law had allowed for children's television to lie, if it was in an educational fashion. Producers had rushed into the loophole, and claimed Killing In the Name of God With the Kardashians targeted a much younger audience.
Signore Bastardo
The necessary first step in becoming evil enough to be the antichrist.
gellaho
"This antichrist business is ridiculous. Now, let me talk to my psychic dog I named after a Nazi"
gellaho
A dog that was originally called Subject 666, but the author forgot that
Signore Bastardo
There's a corrected translation that says it's 616, but Marvel has yet to capitalize on that.
gellaho
Ah, Carmen's a female reporter. She's definitely dead meat
Signore Bastardo
No, she's going to fall for her story.
gellaho
Not like his love interest in the last book that ended up being a sex bot
But again, this antichrist thing? Crazy pants
Signore Bastardo
"Dammit, Simon. I was just looking to get to the bottom of your abilities. But I think I'm falling in love with you." Probably played by Elizabeth Shew or Kelly McGillis.
FancyShark
Then Rommel possesses his brain for more werewolf sex
gellaho
I'm guessing Matty has arrived
FancyShark
Also, Carmen, if you have evidence of the actual Antichrist, I'm pretty sure there's at least half a dozen secret societies that know about it too
gellaho
AIKIDO
gellaho
seagal-steven-seagal.gif
FancyShark
Look at that aikido mastery
gellaho
Wow, correcting the grammar of something you lip read. That's next level
FancyShark
Weird. You'd think President Fart would have gotten at least one report about a walking apocalypse in San Francisco
Signore Bastardo
This dude couldn't tell Simon some basic conjecture, and when Simon asked for proof of his elaborate claims before he murdered a child, Priest Pertwee just says, "Go talk to a reporter if you still need evidence."
I'd let the world burn just for disrespecting my time.
FancyShark
"Look, you need to make this my problem"
Signore Bastardo
It is he is bullshit, CMV.
gellaho
Approaching SL Hunter levels of metaphor and simile, Peter David
gellaho
gellaho
You don't want to be there
Signore Bastardo
"Well if you reverse it," well maybe some statements don't turn inside out, do they?
FancyShark
A watery hand drowning with a rush of water
gellaho
Chuck is flying again
FancyShark
Chuck, people are being torn in half by an angry Poseidon. Peter Pan on your own time
Signore Bastardo
I submit to you that any object of a verb, whether direct or indirect, is third-person personal pronoun.
gellaho
Earlier, Chuck had changed the trajectory of a football. Apparently, the air is more substantial than the watwr
FancyShark
Don't try to be cool by having Chuck shuck, Pete
gellaho
But, he can levitate a dead man out of the water
Signore Bastardo
I'm confused of the nature here. Chuck's powers are ruled by Newtonian physics?
Like at what juncture?
This is the "cartoon lifting itself by the collar" question.
FancyShark
It's the type of thing that makes more sense if the author never brought it up
gellaho
ignore all the times Rommel talked about how fun it was to kill and eat people, please
Signore Bastardo
My dog ate poop today, so I respectfully disagree.
At some point today he's going to try to give me Junkie Hepatitis Kisses.
gellaho
Matthew was always stoic. Except when he wasn't
FancyShark
Pete must've gotten two drafts mixed together
Signore Bastardo
San Francisco has brownstones?
FancyShark
FUTURE!
gellaho
A psychic dog? Ridiculous. Back to celebrating the earthquake/magic jets of water I created with my brain
FancyShark
I never thought I'd say this, but I hope we see Rommel kill this child
Signore Bastardo
"You're an angel of the Lord, Chuck, possessed by the archangel Gabriel. Your TK stems from faith in Him and acceptance of your personal savior, The Lord Jesus Christ, who was not a man but God's only Son, come here to sacrifice his precious Blood for y--"
"Father Pertwee, I just asked if that was the child you wanted me to kill."
gellaho
In the very first Psi-Man, The Beatles were mostly forgotten
But the James Bond books? Still available
gellaho
gellaho
Not the movies, the books
Signore Bastardo
Look, we gave peace a chance. It failed. Now, in the bitter Los Anfrancisco of Si-Man, we need a REAL man to kill, drink, and fuck with abandon.
FancyShark
Matthew calls up the Arctic and Indian oceans and asks them to stay on standby
gellaho
Chuck Simon pretends to be blind to stay in a fancy hotel
FancyShark
Why has he not been doing this every book?
gellaho
Sticking with that name though
Signore Bastardo
Rommel's kind of an asshole dog.
FancyShark
"At least, I assume he's big. Since I'm blind, I have no frame of reference."
Signore Bastardo
He's all the work of a dog minus the joys of a dog, and occasionally he cucks your brains right out of your head.
FancyShark
He also definitely eats human corpses
gellaho
As seen in The Hardy Boys Casefiles: Bad Rap, hotel room #420
FancyShark
Vice squad immediately busts him for knowing all their code phrases
gellaho
Apropos of Nothing
gellaho
Make sure to pray to a Nazi before God
It's just what a pious Quaker would do
FancyShark
Hi. Peter David again. I approve this message.
gellaho
The pain was beyond pain, it was a painful kind of pain
Signore Bastardo
Call girls have a complex system in 2022
I missed when Father died, but I told you Father would die.
gellaho
So he melts in a psychic vision for a while
which I feel like just happened in one of these books
Signore Bastardo
Chuck just wants a simple life, and he's constantly just wandering into insane situations.
Not being hunted.
Just traipsing into the antichrist's football game.
gellaho
It was like a simile, overused
FancyShark
It's 2/3rds of the formula for a TV series
Budd Dwyer Thought
not nice to make fun of people's garbage academic article titles @BONAR LAW, formerly Javo. I was required to make my title stupider when I was applying for funding, it's just the rules of the road. your title has to suck
FancyShark
To be fair, most teenagers are like that
gellaho
It was a time without free speech, where you couldn't put farts under a presidential speech
Signore Bastardo
What a bittersweet day for a Quaker to find proof God is real even as He fails to save you from Satan's unprovoked clutches.
gellaho
And then make a movie about it
Or have a sovereign kingdom/theme park
Signore Bastardo
he put a whoopie cushion under him that REMOTE-TRIGGERED on broadcast only
FancyShark
I still love how a fart video is tanking the President's international standing and not the, y'know, removal of the Bill of Rights
Signore Bastardo
A physical agent had to break into the oval office(!) so that he could place an easily noticed threat on his chair
It's like printing out an email so you can scan it OCR so that you can send it to a photoshop editor for text alteration.
gellaho
Seems like a woman who'd believe in the antichrist
gellaho
This seems a lot more complicated than just having a state-run newspaper
FancyShark
One desk. If the occupant is on vacation, news stops until they get back
gellaho
We could just stop all private newspapers and setup our own with reporters who are loyal. But, instead, how about we have a bunch of angry people and pay people to piss them off
Signore Bastardo
It's interesting that David's description of different Latinas varies mostly in their attractiveness, and that attractiveness scales based on how much they start to resemble Peter David.
FancyShark
Holy shit, that tracks
Signore Bastardo
"Let's see brown hair...but like...short, hahaha, this cow..."
gellaho
Jesus, that sucks
FancyShark
The hell does that mean?
Signore Bastardo
This Olivetti kid has a network of spies.
gellaho
People in this book only act on hunches
gellaho
You know, all those concession stands that sell Q-tips
That common thing
Peter David's finger is on the pulse of the future
gellaho
Also wrote Salt-N-Pepa in the whitest way possible
FancyShark
Because if there's one industry with rock solid stability, it's pop music
gellaho
He also called them rock stars
Which none of them are
FancyShark
Pete thinks Mitch Miller was too "urban"
Signore Bastardo
So, fun story time
First off, I saw Salt 'n' Pepa at a '90s revival show 4 years ago. They rocked balls. En Vogue and Lisa Loeb were there, too. I absolutely threw bedroom eyes at each one, with the shamelessness of a divorced aunt at a Tom Jones concert.
gellaho
Chuck Simon just throwing out terrible one liners now. With a level of confidence never before seen
gellaho
Signore Bastardo
Second, I don't know what kind of newspaper of the future has a forensics lab.
gellaho
The kind that doesn't print any news, I guess
Signore Bastardo
But I had an artist once try to change a comic script on me so a neutered superhero didn't lightly singe styrofoam, but instead have my reporter bring her coffee cup back to the newspaper for fingerprinting.
I shut that shit down immediately.
FancyShark
Seems odd to block publishing info on the government's most wanted, but that's why I'm not a politician
Signore Bastardo
To see one of my influences doing this pains me.
gellaho
So now, they're just breaking into the school. Lady has revealed no information
Signore Bastardo
It's pretty clear the President is Trump in their world, so always bet on the dumbest fucking decision guaranteed to backfire.
gellaho
San Francisco 2021. 800 earthquakes a month
Signore Bastardo
You could give President Future two bad options, and he'd break both of them to staple them into a third freak choice.
FancyShark
So, he killed his teacher over a bad report card?
How has this kid managed to graduate?
You still have to get your parents to sign the card
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Yeah but you can do it with your mind
gellaho
He's not the son of Satan, he's just following the elements of ancient belief
gellaho
Don't be ridiculous
BONAR LAW, formerly Javo
Look if Alex is gonna dunk on me for being a post structuralist I get to dunk on his ghost bulkshit
Signore Bastardo
Satan isn't real. Only bending is real, Carmen.
FancyShark
There were records of someone dying after they criticized this kid? Who was keeping those notes?
gellaho
I'm glad we met that reporter and went to that school to learn information we already had
gellaho
it's in his permanent record
blessed be the permanent record
FancyShark
The permanent record, which records via osmosis
gellaho
Matty's a little rich mama's boy
gellaho
That paragraph encapsulates Chapter 11
FancyShark
Oedipus Damien
Digital Fartwork jakesy
What are you doing, step-mom!?
gellaho
Next chapter: Chuck Simon gets in a romantic tiff with his car
gellaho
Followed by this
gellaho
And that's Chapter 12
FancyShark
hahaha, that's actually pretty good
gellaho
Next page opens with this sloppy ass setup
gellaho
And I'm assuming the she and he are Chuck and Carmen? Maybe?
Either way, they've arrived to interview the Olivetti's
Digital Fartwork jakesy
What is with these guys and all the terrible fake Italian names
FancyShark
I will say that traveling by train is cushier than by airplane for cross-country. But it's true that it takes way longer
gellaho
Just wonderful dialog
FancyShark
All of the references in these books are aimed at children, comic nerds, and neo nazis
gellaho
Totally normal
FancyShark
And Chuck has a plan for not letting the antichrist detect him the same way he detected the antichrist
right?
Chuck?
RIGHT?
gellaho
I'm trying to figure out why Peter David thinks he can just introduce a supervillian name out of the blue
gellaho
Just calling them Psi-Man and the Chaos Kid out of nowhere
that's the first time Chaos Kid has shown up outside of the cover
FancyShark
bizarre
gellaho
"Eh, it'll be on the cover, I don't have to actually explain it or anything. They'll get it"
This child has a supervillian plan out of nowhere as well
FancyShark
This is Matthew at his most stoic, of course
gellaho
Very unemotional
Meanwhile: Matt's parents are in a soap opera
gellaho
This seems like a seventeen year old
gellaho
Teens love phrases like "old bean"
FancyShark
Pete might be forgetting which character he's writing
Digital Fartwork jakesy
As a teen, Peter David was bullied pretty hard so maybe teens like Peter David said things like that
gellaho
OK, bye
Radio Smasher GDC
That probably sounded a lot cooler in Chuck's head.
gellaho
Chuck lifted Matt to the ceiling ,and then Matt make it kind of hot. It was quite the battle
Then Chuck left, his work being done
Digital Fartwork jakesy
The Thermostat Kid strikes again
gellaho
Must be a Hardy Boy near
FancyShark
Chuck's plan: threaten the genocidal demon child and hope he's too intimidated to do anything
At least we know the parents died before they could get a divorce
gellaho
Chuck runs into a lot of terrorists
FancyShark
Well, it's like they say: If there's no news to report, you have to make some
gellaho
Page 56
gellaho
Page 117
FancyShark
To be fair, that seems more practical than fun
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Oh that Nazi dog-o-mine!
gellaho
This seems like the time for this
FancyShark
<cue Jackie Chan freeze frame laugh>
gellaho
we-made-you-maximum.gif
Digital Fartwork jakesy
deep-deep-thinking.gif
FancyShark
At least this time Chuck's dicking around is not his choice
gellaho
Peter David wants you to know what he had to read in high school
gellaho
There was a 1984 reference earlier
Digital Fartwork jakesy
“This is the one where the guy turns into a bug!”
Spoilers I guess
gellaho
I always forget about this stupid spoon necklace
FancyShark
That seems really cumbersome
gellaho
Chuck Simon goes back to the newspaper, forgetting there are government agents there
FancyShark
Hey, you're right, Chuck!
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Where were you on that one, Psi-Man
gellaho
He can sense danger
Except when he can't
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Oh hey I have all the psychic powers, better not use them ever!
gellaho
Gil, the kid who was scalded over 70% of his body a day ago, is wandering around the hospital trying to find Matthew's dead body
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Oh he ain't dead
FancyShark
Gil will soon start screaming "My life for him! Bumpity bumpity bump!"
gellaho
Matt's body has frozen over
gellaho
And... Coconut cocooned?
FancyShark
It'd be more baffling that this kid has avoided detection for so long if everyone wasn't stupid
gellaho
Now tweedle dee and tweedle dum are going to cut it open without delay or precaution
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Oh shit some would say there is about to be some kafkaesque shit going down
FancyShark
World-class screwups, but still employed
gellaho
Now just get your hands in there and yank
gellaho
Eye crystals
FancyShark
wtf
gellaho
Was he dictating this to someone? I'm assuming that's supposed to be ice crystals
But that'd be a hell of a typo
FancyShark
Yeah. The only thing I find when googling "eye crystals" is some horrifying medical condition
gellaho
Guy #1, crushed windpipe
gellaho
Gil (severe burn victim and child) comical pratfall
gellaho
I think Peter David thinks this high schooler who was nearly scalded to death is supposed to be hilarious
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Wonder if someone named Gil stuffed him into a locker once
Let's go to the tape!
gellaho
New skin known for pulsating
Digital Fartwork jakesy
@gellaho OH MY GOD
FancyShark
HOLY SHIT
gellaho
Ah, the reflexes
FancyShark
HOLY SHIT
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Hahaha I'm in his head now
gellaho
And the reckless homosexual speculation
The reporter lady did that about the priest
Digital Fartwork jakesy
That was a complete guess but knowing what I know about Peter, it scans
FancyShark
Jakesy, I'm taking you off the case. You're getting to deep! You can't let it consume you!
FancyShark
That was legit impressive
gellaho
First instinct when someone tells you about an Omen kid
gellaho
I bet he's in love with that kid
Guy #2 shattered lungs
FancyShark
A+ emoji work, @Digital Fartwork jakesy
gellaho
Gil pissed himself before being kissed and murdered
Digital Fartwork jakesy
One thing I learned from his autobiography is he writes a lot of personal experience into his books, good or bad
gellaho
The fact that Peter David thought the guy in real life was a repressed homosexual makes this even weirder
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Oh god why Peter
FancyShark
Fucking hell, Pete
Signore Bastardo
My spaghetti is amazing, what did I miss?
FancyShark
Chuck threatened the demon child, then left and trusted him to not genocide. Kid blew up his parents and just became a White Walker
Chuck's been captured by The Complex
Signore Bastardo
Not even the Night King?
gellaho
Peter David has been working out some childhood trauma
very poorly
FancyShark
And Peter David brutally murdered the scalded kid because he's angry at a childhood bully
Signore Bastardo
FWIW, Peter was introducing gay characters with dignity and humanity in comics way ahead of the curve, so maybe he caught some therapy.
Digital Fartwork jakesy
He kills off Gil very gayly, and it turns out Gil was a childhood bully who called him a f*g once
FancyShark
Jakesy found the passage from David's memoir
gellaho
His weird autobiography would suggest otherwise
Signore Bastardo
Hear me out: Maybe Matthew is the hero.
FancyShark
If he hadn't named the murdered child after his own bully, I'd argue the stuff in this book is just showing a demon child manipulating an innocent kid who happened to be gay
Signore Bastardo
Psy-Man is a wanted criminal who wanders LA with an escaped Nazi murder-dog, plotting how to kill children.
The deviant has sex with robots while letting his dog tag in.
FancyShark
Okay, you make a good point
Signore Bastardo
i'm just saying
gellaho
Chuck goes unchloroformed because of a psychic... something
Signore Bastardo
You ask me which character is the antichrist, only one has a psychic helldog rapport. That's some Damien shit.
Maybe the squid detonated in New York.
gellaho
Chuck remembers his aikido and psychic power, in that order
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Hmm the aikido thing also makes me think he's the real bad guy
gellaho
Chuck is surprised he can stop a bullet
gellaho
Despite being able to explode giant bears
Signore Bastardo
I think Seagal is proof that aikido is the least sudden or exerting martial art.
gellaho
And setting tons of people ablaze in the first book
Signore Bastardo
maybe tai chi, but that's it.
FancyShark
Each book, Chuck gets a new OP ability and then proceeds to never use it again
gellaho
It's weird that he can only do telekinesis stuff now
Signore Bastardo
Chuck is awesome for doing that, but he could have jammed the trigger or the hammer or several other mechanical parts.
Kylo Ren's still a bitch.
gellaho
He made a guy's brain bleed out of his head in the first book
How does Erwin get defeated?
gellaho
Two big guys fall on top of him
gellaho
Psi-Man!
Signore Bastardo
Two bulky reporters.
Digital Fartwork jakesy
A bulk of reporters
gellaho
Then there's another earthquake. That's California in 2021
Power means poofy hair
gellaho
This plan seems poorly thought through
FancyShark
Yeah, fuck those sequoias up
gellaho
This power seems poorly defined
Signore Bastardo
20 years of pop culture confirms it.
FancyShark
Remember how when we first met Matthew, he was talking about how serious it was to take a life?
Signore Bastardo
That's his journey, man.
now he's gonna event this extinction.
gellaho
Just going supervillian out of nowhere
gellaho
The Psi-Man thing is so wildly inconsistent
FancyShark
ohhh right
Carmen done killed his momma
gellaho
It comes out of nowhere, and leaves just as fast
Signore Bastardo
Just like your daddy.
gellaho
Getting a little ubermenschy
FancyShark
I like that this train of logic depends on Chuck not being a moron
gellaho
Carmen, talking like a human
Signore Bastardo
Can't wait till he finds chuck at the bowling alley trying to psi his fingers unstuck from a ball, and has a rationale for the superior foe playing weak to lure him into overconfidence.
Signore Bastardo
As a fellow insufferable writer, I can confirm we use ten-dollar words to obscure what a cheap one would reveal.
As a journalist she should be better than this, though.
gellaho
You remember that thing about the Russians?
gellaho
I guess she wasn't
(this twist doesn't really make sense)
FancyShark
Ah, because Alex is an androgynous name
Which means the priest WAS stalking the antichrist
...
ew
gellaho
But she was a Russian spy there specifically for that kid, so that doesn't make any sense
Signore Bastardo
Man, Communism collapses and Russia just runs headlong back at the bible.
gellaho
Unless the priest was also a Russian spy, because Alex was told to get in touch with Chuck
but she didn't, the priest did. The priest just happened to tell Chuck about Carmen
fuck, this is stupid
This was pointlessly complicated
Signore Bastardo
hahaha, dawn breaks over marblehead
"Why do all these intelligence agencies keep using me?" wonders dimwitted psychokinetic.
gellaho
Russians have the same strategies as space aliens
gellaho
"We saw your Hollywood movies, and based everything on that"
Signore Bastardo
Russia thinking the psionic would not accept the existence of another psi
Digital Fartwork jakesy
“Da svidonya, comrade Psy-Man”
Signore Bastardo
I met a Siberian today.
She was beautiful and she owned a pomeranian/husky mix.
FancyShark
"We also had to convince you it was a demon even though you were willing to-
dangit, Brendan swooped it
Signore Bastardo
My question is this: what am I being groomed to be an asset for?
I have no psi-powers.
Digital Fartwork jakesy
That's weird, I met someone from Pomerania today who had a Siberian husky
gellaho
So, is this kid actually the antichrist
gellaho
How do you make two more books after this
Signore Bastardo
all intents IN purposes
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Hmmmm
Signore Bastardo
I'm so confused. Russia made this child, then tracked this child to destroy this child?
gellaho
There was no editing on this, he typed "eye crystals" instead of "ice crystals"
gellaho
Nah, this kid was just born. Possibly via an affair with Satan
So far, that's the only explanation given
Signore Bastardo
is his mom a graduate of The Shop?
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Satan is the allegory for Cold War Russia
FancyShark
We're missing the obvious. Rommel fucked his mom
Signore Bastardo
It's bizarre that we cloned a sheep before we got decent voice dictationn.
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Psy-Man is the allegory for Hulk Hogan
Signore Bastardo
1) Rommel is the Sith
2) So was Qui-Gon
Digital Fartwork jakesy
hulk-hogan.gif
gellaho
Demonic mole
FancyShark
That sounds adorable
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Hello
Signore Bastardo
Look at that little guy
Why aren't there more mole furries?
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Chuck, how are you still doing this
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Hahaha I completely forgot that Chuck doesn't kill
FancyShark
Until he does
Signore Bastardo
Is this still Carmen? She KNOWS it's anathema to him!
Hawaiian shirt-pattern Widow over here.
Digital Fartwork jakesy
What is going through Chucks mind now is a dichotomy
A bifurcation if you will
gellaho
He is still calling her Carmen, even though he knows her name is Alex
Signore Bastardo
This implies thoughts go through Chuck's mind.
We know through three adjectives in one sentence that all of his movements come from raw animal instinct.
Plus the chloroform thing.
Maybe he is the dog, dreaming he is the psi-man.
gellaho
Ending on the Golden Gate Bridge. It's just like A View to a Kill
Signore Bastardo
UM, I BELIEVE we were doing GOLDENEYE? scoffs nerdlike
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Breaking news, people get angry when you bomb them
“After I bombed him, his gentle demeanor went away!”
FancyShark
"Pale, like a vampire, as if the blood were gone from him...got it"
"Yeah, use one of those"
"Didn't hear you. Typing."
gellaho
What a series of sentences
FancyShark
Matt, make a flowchart or something. You're all over the map with this
Digital Fartwork jakesy
tom-cruise-help.gif
Signore Bastardo
Healing...cocoon?
gellaho
Yeah, after the bomb he went into a frozen coconut cocoon
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Kafka, etc
gellaho
Do you know what can defeat someone with God-like power over the elements?
AIKIDO
Digital Fartwork jakesy
I'm going to say “the elements”
Signore Bastardo
I don't care if Satan is real in this world, anybody with Avatar powers who has a healing cocoon is de facto a demigod or higher.
Digital Fartwork jakesy
seagal-steven-seagal.gif
Signore Bastardo
okay, time to eat the dopest fucking spaghetti, have fun with your non-spaghetti-eating lives.
gellaho
Chuck Simon going insane not shown in any book
FancyShark
"No! I'm just Mormon!"
gellaho
Painful, just painful to read
FancyShark
Peter David
gellaho
We all remember from The Wizard of 4th Street how to defeat a wizard?
FancyShark
Way to use those powers, Chuck
Digital Fartwork jakesy
bunnies-george.gif
gellaho
Then Matt gets bit by Rommel
FancyShark
I said EAT, not BITE
gellaho
Then Chuck gets scared and blows apart Matt's chest
FancyShark
Heyyyy, there ya go, Chuck!
gellaho
Traditional Chuck Simon victory cry
Digital Fartwork jakesy
He would never forgive himself for killing one demon to save literally every other person
gellaho
Then he gives away his car to the murderous Russian spy
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Because morals are tough
gellaho
Then he takes the bullet train to New York
Digital Fartwork jakesy
🎵In Neeeeeeewwwwwwww York! Concrete jungle where Damiens are chest exploded! There's nothing you can't do!🎵
gellaho
And this setup for a thing that will never happen
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Hahahaha double cocoon!
gellaho
I think in that whole book, Chaos Kid was said only twice
And never in dialog, just in narration
And no Force Lightning
FancyShark
RIP
No wonder they got a new line of cover art
gellaho
Unless this is supposed to represent a chest exploding
gellaho
We have defeated Psi-Man: The Chaos Kid
So ends The Book Cage
gellaho
The next book takes place December 26th, 2021. So, that date will be missed
FancyShark
Thanks, @gellaho ! That was fun!
gellaho
But it takes place in future New York and has a cyborg warrior called Stalker
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Oh shit
Is it available on kindle
gellaho
Quite literally :SteeleYourself:
Digital Fartwork jakesy
This feels like the David/Hawke mashup that dreams are made of
Here's how we can figure out who'll be available for Xmas reading:
gellaho
Killer Steele was February 1990, Psi-Man: Stalker December 1991
Point Simon Hawke
Signore Bastardo
Wait, it picks up ONE DAY after defeating the Russian antichrist?
gellaho
The antichrist wasn't Russian, but essentially yes. The next day he's going to fight the bad cyborg from Killer Steele
Signore Bastardo
I thought his mom was a Russian agent and that's how Russia knew about him.
gellaho
His mom was just a rich lady that the Russian agent blew up
The mom maybe had sex with Satan? I'm still not sure
