When crime rises to new heights, you'd better be ready to rise to the challenge!
Archive
gellaho
It's time for another Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) book poll. I have selected three Hardy aerial adventures, react with the appropriate emoji to vote for which one you want me to read:
✈️ #47 Flight into Danger
🚁 #72 Screamers
🛩️ #79 Danger Unlimited
Mr. J Boots
The theme is aircraft hating the hardy boys
gellaho
The aircraft are wise
FancyShark
All three look promising, but they're both so dead in that first one.
hot beige jakesy
Screamers has the worst tag line and also a bad guy with an eye patch so I'm in
Mr. J Boots
Danger unlimited ripping off the iconic scene in north by northwest
hot beige jakesy
They're all bad in their own special ways
FancyShark
Damn, didn't notice the eye patch. I'm keeping my vote as is or I'll be at this all day.
gellaho
Who will be the brave soul to break the tie
FancyShark
@gellaho You may have to make an executive decision
dr
I voted eyepatch.
gellaho
The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) aerial adventure will be #72 Screamers! Will Joe Hardy fall out of a helicopter to his death? Will this book set up the excellent #73 Bad Rap? Will the screamers from Steele show up? All these questions will be answered this Friday, 5pm eastern!
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway Gimme that sweet, sweet pin
hot beige jakesy
You know I'm banking on the Screamers from Steele showing up
gellaho
I know there won't be, but if there is a reference to Randy Rand I will lose my shit
dr
I also really like that eyepatch man is trying to prevent a scream, as though someone might hear that over a helecopter
gellaho
Half an hour until Hardy Boys Casefiles #72: Screamers!
FancyShark
I've started saving a lot of the photoshopped images you upload because they're too good to be contained to just Discord
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I'm trying to put together bingo cards for us to play along with. Anyone have any ideas?
gellaho
Off the top of my head you have
1) Instant undermining of danger
2) Joe hates women
3) Karate
4) Frank knows something a child shouldn't
5) Pointless eating
This one seems like it'll have some dumb computer stuff
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I have 4 of the 5 already, didn't have #2 or pointless computers
gellaho
gellaho
There's the preview
GDCommando!
I think they just used the scene they told the illustrator to draw.
Which I guess makes sense.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Alright, the free tool I used online only let me generate 8 cards, but that should be enough. I don't want to spam the chat with a bunch of images, so if you want one, let me know.
GDCommando!
Tampering with evidence is a big one.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Dammit, I thought about that but forgot to add it.
GDCommando!
Or more generally interfering with investigations, i guess
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I have Police should have sent them home, so that's kinda in the same ball park
I know a lot of people are on their phones, but you can use this link to play:
https://bingobaker.com/#0b9a32006f5ec276
gellaho
This was a popular book at Prince George's County Memorial Library
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Something about that 1997 to 2XXX gap amuses me. Like there was a 3 year period where kids knew this book sucked, but we forgot in 2000.
GDCommando!
The alignment of those stamps tells a sad tale about the state of that librarian.
FancyShark
"It's sorta aligned"
gellaho
The Hardy Boys are in Chicago for this one
gellaho
Evanco software and... Travel Agencies?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I have a character named Evans who owns a computer company. What should it be called? Why did I decide to write a book about computers but don't know anything about them?
FancyShark
What do computer whizzes do? Build computers? They build stuff, right?
GDCommando!
In the fifties, you really couldn't fit more than one computer in a building.
gellaho
Of course Joe likes puns
hot beige jakesy
Of course
I bet Shakes loved the Hardy boys books unironically
gellaho
These two idiots are never in school
FancyShark
A private investigator is going to lecture about police procedures?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
So their dad, a PI, is giving a talk to a computer company about police records?
Damn, beat me by 10 seconds, @FancyShark
FancyShark
It bears repeating!
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I could never come up with a more backwards speaker/audience scenario.
gellaho
Yeah, this is how that works
gellaho
gellaho
All that explosive material in computers
FancyShark
Yes...that's how all viruses work.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
electronic mail! This writer thinks computers are for losers
FancyShark
Phishing scams are going to destroy this world.
GDCommando!
Computers work just like the consoles on Star Trek.
hot beige jakesy
Golly jeepers, electronic mail viruses!
gellaho
Joe has spotted two women. This should end well
John, Grand Master of the Arena
It's so weird that the girls are also blonde and brunette. Thank God the Hardys don't fuck.
hot beige jakesy
Oooh who you got going after the short and plump one?
gellaho
Women in computers? Impossible
John, Grand Master of the Arena
You know Joe has awful thoughts about "fat chicks"
hot beige jakesy
Both of them definitely want the pancake ass so it's probably neither
FancyShark
Everyone knows you wear your Sunday best to work on computers.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Listen, only nerds work on computers and they only own Star Wars shirts and Scotch-taped glasses
gellaho
Beepers are hilarious to women
GDCommando!
Look, some of us wear bowties and pocket protectors.
FancyShark
"It's a valid question. What's so funny about checking your beeper?"
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I actually sought out a pocket protector once because I kept getting ink on my shirts. There's nothing wrong with them!
gellaho
gellaho
gellaho
Just happen to run into the boss's daughter, sure
John, Grand Master of the Arena
The "top brass in the industry" are going to listen to a PI tell computer programmers how the program they wrote works. I know we've already covered this, but that is fucking crazy.
GDCommando!
Joe is still trying to work through the bit about a woman being good at computers.
FancyShark
"Listen up, nerds. Here's how you work the beep-boop machines."
gellaho
This kidnapping happened quick
FancyShark
They were able to get past all the security by being inconspicuous.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I want to get mad, but it is true, you have to have both eyes to be a computer exec
GDCommando!
This is moving refreshingly quickly.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
If only they had given this talk to a room full of cops like they should have!
gellaho
The Hardys' father stage-whispered, like the trained thespian he is
FancyShark
The security that was nowhere near the owner's daughter.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
You're fucking 17 and made of meat. Guns can kill you Joe, you absolute idiot.
gellaho
This last statement is odd
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I don't like where this is going. They better just have really bitchin' tans.
FancyShark
Is there a usual shade for the skin of a goon, Joe?
gellaho
Great plan
FancyShark
"Quick! Gouge out his remaining eye!"
gellaho
Joe is useless
FancyShark
You get a ring of onlookers when someone's waving a gun around the same room?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Seems like security should have shown up by now.
FancyShark
It is Chicago. They could be recovering from lunch still.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I was on my way, but I saw someone put ketchup on his hot dog, so I had to rough him up a bit first.
gellaho
They ended up getting away with the girl anyway
GDCommando!
See, waving a gun at a crowd is exactly the thing we were trying to avoid, Joe. That's why your plan is dumb.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
The elevator, a perfect way to escape a skyscraper as it stops at every floor on the way down.
FancyShark
Okay, seriously. Shots fired. What the hell cops?
gellaho
OK, sure, masks. With the eyepatch over the mask
FancyShark
Hopefully a mask. Otherwise, fuck
gellaho
It probably takes a while to get to the 120th floor
Why there isn't security at the party, who knows
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Listen, I like to wear my Halloween mask until New Years. What do you mean I look suspicious. It's a prop gun, but the eyepatch is real.
But their dad explicitly said there is security.
FancyShark
Paul just schooled all three of them
My money's on him being the bad guy
gellaho
Jesus, Joe is dumb
gellaho
"Where is that damned elevator! I need to go up a floor"
FancyShark
It's okay. They're only armed and have a high-value hostage. We've got...wait
John, Grand Master of the Arena
And they've proven they can kick the Hardys' asses, so really at this point, they're heroes.
gellaho
Kareem is so rude, I don't know why he would upset. He's only been gagged and tied up to a chair
FancyShark
Yeah, this is Charge of the Light Brigade now
Kareem Abdul Jabbar is too long to write. How do I shorten it?
Wait, how do you rudely invite someone to tea?
gellaho
We're already to the cover I guess
FancyShark
Yeah, no way all that shit is going to interfere with any signals they're trying to send or receive.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Dare I hope that Joe falls to his death?
gellaho
Coward
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Yes!
gellaho
Yeah, Joe, I'm sure her eyes told you to save yourself
And, danger averted
FancyShark
dammit
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Boo! Fuck you book.
GDCommando!
Fenton is wondering if his kid acts this dumb when he's not around.
FancyShark
All that happened and TWO guards show up?
Are the rest putting down a robot uprising?
gellaho
The center control room for this network is in a room constructed on the roof
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Listen computers have networks, okay. Networks and programs. That's all I know.
FancyShark
"We're also setting up a virtual gathering place to talk with other people. We're calling it...Friendster."
hot beige jakesy
ExAcTlY
gellaho
So this is from 1993
gellaho
I guess the author hadn't heard of the internet
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Seems like research you should have already done, Fenton.
FancyShark
So having labs, military research, universities, etc already connected to each other isn't special?
gellaho
This is going through the phone lines... But it needs to be constructed on the roof to eliminate interference?
GDCommando!
Also, they've already been linked together for decades at this point.
gellaho
Where does he think phone lines are? They aren't 120 stories in the air
FancyShark
No interference except for MULTIPLE GENERATORS AND RELAYS CRAMMED TOGETHER
GDCommando!
And a helipad, apparently.
gellaho
This is nonsense
FancyShark
notoriously compact things, helipads
John, Grand Master of the Arena
This idiot thinks the internet comes from satellites
GDCommando!
But sure, set up your one of a kind supercomputer next to the spinning death blade area.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Also, do you just work here? You're too "unusually dark" to have designed this.
hot beige jakesy
Computers also work notoriously well when exposed to heat, sunlight, rain
gellaho
"You'd be willing to risk your life for strangers? Impossible!"
gellaho
Technically it's inside a big metal room without windows
I'm sure it can't get hot in there
hot beige jakesy
Ah, checks out slightly more but yeah, I imagine heat is still an issue
FancyShark
Everyone knows when a woman is in danger that you leave her to the consequences of her being a woman.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
To be fair, they only knew one of them was armed, so it was just barely crazy to attack them.
FancyShark
Goons were on a one weapon honor system in the early 90's, it's true.
gellaho
Here's withholding evidence
gellaho
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Bullshit the cops didn't search them already
FancyShark
"We also thought the phalanx of security guards for the daughter of the biggest computer whiz in the world would be able to handle it."
gellaho
There goes Joe, accusing the black guy
hot beige jakesy
We have our list of suspects! Kareem, Jamal, and DeShawn
FancyShark
Joe, you're in Chicago. I fucking dare you to take that talk to the south side.
hot beige jakesy
Everyone else seems clean to me!
GDCommando!
Kareem has already been tazed 3 times by now.
FancyShark
Before they knew he worked there.
gellaho
Seems like the kind of school the daughter of a software magnate would go to
hot beige jakesy
They call it the Harvard of Central Illinois (not counting Chicago)
GDCommando!
That sounds like a diploma mill scam.
hot beige jakesy
Double I, they cleverly called it
FancyShark
Illinois sucks at branding with their schools
gellaho
She's one of those militant open source pinkos
hot beige jakesy
Like was the Hardy Boys guy worried he would get sued if he mentioned Wash U?
GDCommando!
Not only is she a nerd, she's a Linux nerd.
gellaho
Frank with the 4-D thinking
FancyShark
"She fucking kidnapped herself, man."
hot beige jakesy
Bitches be lying
gellaho
Yes, HAHAHAHAHAHA
hot beige jakesy
Hahahah
FancyShark
Yesssss
hot beige jakesy
You just got a VIRUS son!
FancyShark
Fucking Windows Update, amirite?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
All computers in the 90s came with bomb raid sirens
gellaho
I can't believe it either
gellaho
It almost seems impossible
John, Grand Master of the Arena
That's 3 out of 4 books where Joe has just eaten shit from an explosion
gellaho
By my count, Joe has survived 4 explosions
GDCommando!
that's one for the bingo card
gellaho
There were two in the karate book
FancyShark
Was there C4 in every component? Even if a desktop did explode, it's mostly a shell. It'd burn the top of a desk at most.
gellaho
So they stood around for 45 seconds?
FancyShark
To be fair, this is the perfect way to hide your browsing history from a spouse.
gellaho
The transformer? The computer isn't made out of power line parts
John, Grand Master of the Arena
<Me, an idiot> The writer doesn't know anything about computers, but maybe they at least know basic eletric.....oh, never mind.
GDCommando!
I mean, there's a transformer in the power supply, but that doesn't have anything to do with software.
FancyShark
I have so many questions I don't know what to ask
How...?
Why...?
You know what? This is being explained by the PI that was going to tell cops how software works. I trust him implicitly.
The alternative is 10 years of education and experience demanding computers be explained to the author as violently as possible.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I remember when I read these as a kid, the boys were always in awe of their father when he showed up. Now I realize he sucks as bad as them.
FancyShark
The mom was clearly the smart one. She left.
gellaho
gellaho
John, Grand Master of the Arena
And Aunt Gertrude who, to my recollection, her only role was to be the nag (aka "the woman")
hot beige jakesy
Oh shit Paulette is about to leverage her Double I connections
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Did she whisper or stage-whisper that? It's very important I know.
FancyShark
Why don't you just reverse-engineer the virus and make the bad guy's computer explode, Paulette? I guarantee that's possible in this land of make-believe.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Step 1: Virus
Step 2: Computers explode
Step 3: ?
Step 4: Profit
FancyShark
Step 3: Geek Squad
gellaho
I'm having a minor issue with ants on my patio, give me a second. They've swarmed my laptop
FancyShark
gross
They're not crazy ants, are they? Those things are scary. They just flood into electronics until the devices overheat from the fans being clogged with dead bugs. Apparently they're drawn to electricity.
gellaho
Father Hardy is a masterful PI
FancyShark
"Kids, computers just explode. Don't read into it."
gellaho
They're tiny things. I think they were attracted to my drink. Which is alcoholic so they were killing themselves
FancyShark
Ha! Serves 'em right.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Does this book not know what PIs are? They don't just investigate shit for fun. People hire them and then they take pictures of fat guys cheating on their wives.
FancyShark
Maybe Hardy does all of this to hide from his kids that no one will hire him.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
"Holy shit you kids are really playing detective? You know when I said I was doing that I meant I was blowing guys for $10, right?"
gellaho
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
"Whaddaya think 'private dick' is?!"
gellaho
If this ends up being a stunt to get daddy's attention, I'm not going to be happy
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I like that all his hang-ups are the same hang-up. You better be pissing in jars and saving it before invoking a Howard Hughes comparison.
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
his hang-ups are like, the standard practices of everyone in 2020
John, Grand Master of the Arena
He washes his hands like some kind of snob. "Eww, gross."
FancyShark
To his credit, no one's going to blow him up when he won't go near anything potentially dirty. He'd have to install a new keyboard every time he sat down.
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
and this is the 90's, so if the keyboard didn't work you'd have to wait 2-3 weeks for someone to ship the right drivers to you on 38 floppy disks
gellaho
I must have missed when they started calling the exploding computers "Screamers"
gellaho
You know, that thing computers do
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Steele and Hardy Boys mash-up everyone!
gellaho
Like R2-D2
FancyShark
Dammit book. Don't you invoke a cult classic film just because you thought of a weird name.
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
this just leads me to believe hardy dad's PI gig is just a sex thing
FancyShark
"Oh, that's what we call a 'screamer' in the biz." "What is, Dad?" "It's when a client is really into it and gets really voc-...it's a computer that blows up."
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
"It's a computer that blows."
"Oh, you mean like an explosion?"
"...Sure."
gellaho
Joe continues to blame the dark-skinned computer nerd
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
Joe just can't not be the worst Hardy in a given situation
FancyShark
None of the thousands of security guards on every floor, Joe?
gellaho
Computer explosions will destroy us all
John, Grand Master of the Arena
It's too bad the book edits out every time Joe and Frank, literal children, ask for information from people trying to do their job, and they just get their asses handed to them.
gellaho
Fuckin, computer wizard Mike over here
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
people are remarkably candid to a couple of nosy punk-ass teenagers
FancyShark
"It'll bring about the end of mankind. We'll fix that in a patch."
gellaho
The expert is a college student?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
It's not our fault no one reads the EULA. We're clearly not liable.
FancyShark
Paulette's an expert on screamers? Yeah girl! Get it!
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
wow a nerd girl in 93, very progressive
she's...probably going to be the one responsible
hot beige jakesy
So what I'm reading is that Matrix is in the phone lines causing computers to explode, and Paulette is an expert on zombies
FancyShark
Dammit...yeah. Probably out of jealousy of the kidnapped girl being the CEO's daughter
gellaho
I don't know about this fired guy's relationship with a girl who is still in college
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Why is it that every book we read has men hooking up with inappropriately young girls?
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
it's the 90s
hot beige jakesy
Back in the 80s dudes loved to bang high school chicks apparently
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Just once I want one to say, "She was pretty, but 10 years younger than him, so they had no common interests and it would have felt wrong."
gellaho
Hell yeah, Rolodex
FancyShark
"This will never go out of style. But let's still explain how it works."
gellaho
If these guys could fly the helicopter, did they just kidnap this pilot as a fun prank?
FancyShark
"We're stealing your helicopter and taking you along as a witness. Don't tell anyone."
hot beige jakesy
I assume they thought that shooting the pilot would be too gruesome for a kids book
gellaho
This is more of a lunch arrangement than an exchange of information
hot beige jakesy
Paulette is looking to get down with the boys
FancyShark
Paulette is the only person displaying common sense
hot beige jakesy
I love that she's like I had to lie to you because I don't trust you, but trust me now
gellaho
I think there are conservatively 18 suspects
FancyShark
All good parenting involves luring the child.
gellaho
"Don't call the police, I'm sure campus security can handle it"
hot beige jakesy
Why call real cops when you can call mall cops?
FancyShark
Yeah, Paulette. A man calls the cops when he decides, not when a...a not-man decides.
gellaho
Why wouldn't you tell the police about this
hot beige jakesy
Lol
Turns out I knew who was behind this the whole time
FancyShark
"Huh. Ink's still fresh on these. You must've read them recently."
gellaho
Comptellit
hot beige jakesy
Lol again
gellaho
Fucking what
FancyShark
lol
"You idiots will believe anything so why should I bother trying?"
gellaho
This girl seems a little unstable
FancyShark
Frank, you're not allowed to lecture on handling evidence.
gellaho
I didn't think we'd go here
hot beige jakesy
At least they're smart enough to figure out Paulette is full of shit
FancyShark
The moral: don't mansplain to a suspect.
hot beige jakesy
Watch this somehow the PI father is going to pull strings at the station and get them out of jail
gellaho
They just happen to be cops that saw them at the precinct
gellaho
It's the class subversion, but for false claims of assault this time
FancyShark
That was a complex legal strategy on the Hardy's part
gellaho
Then the police leave them together
gellaho
What does Paulette think she's going to do with those letters
If not giving them to the police
FancyShark
Obviously she's going to hand them over to someone more knowledgeable on police procedure, like a private investigator
gellaho
What the fuck is happening
FancyShark
"Haha, false accusations are great for laughs!"
gellaho
Subtle
FancyShark
"And...uh, don't look at 'Finances', boys. Just...no need to do that."
gellaho
This more of an anti-ransom note
hot beige jakesy
I love that there's just an internet bulletin board that only the kidnappers and Paulette use
gellaho
I think it's because you are children, Joe
John, Grand Master of the Arena
How can they be sure the kidnappers really have her if they didn't electronically mail a toe?
FancyShark
It's the early 90's. I don't think they have the bandwidth for toes yet.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
They had 24 hours, but it took 20 hours to upload a 6Kb text file, so they're really cutting things close.
hot beige jakesy
I'll bet you a million internet dollars Kareem Addar came about because the writer saw Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and was like yeah this is a good name but how do I copy it without looking sus
gellaho
They're going to search stores to find those masks, sure
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Good thing they'll find the goon there replacing his torn mask.
FancyShark
"Hi! Can you tell us where to find masks of black people?"
gellaho
The costume shop wasn't the first and only store you checked?
FancyShark
You don't seem very committed to this, Frank
gellaho
Mission Impossible masks
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Look, we already checked the grocery store, the liquor store, and the gas station. What are the odds they'll have masks here?
FancyShark
They had mo-cap in the early 90's?
gellaho
I think the dude just told you the connection to the museum is, Joe.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I love that they have this complicated explanation for how the masks work, but forgot that heads have bones.
Joe you absolute moron.
Mask making machine in a museum? But I don't have school today.
FancyShark
Was there a worry they'd get sued for infringement? It's the Museum of Science and Technology, not Disneyworld
gellaho
The rich dude found them and is talking about radical computing
FancyShark
My idea is a college girl. What do you think?
gellaho
You know how much money college students have
hot beige jakesy
Most computer nerds only care about 0s and 1s, but the radical nerds started experimenting with 2s
gellaho
Easily setting up helicopter kidnappings
John, Grand Master of the Arena
How can I billionaire owner of a computer corporation, travel agency, and TV stations win a fight against a couple not-men?
FancyShark
I am but a powerless observer, children of a PI that was only hired to lecture in my building.
gellaho
I think Kareem figured you guys would know that he knows about the screamers if he's making a report about it
FancyShark
Conrad definitely insists people call him Darth Seethus. But they don't. They never do.
gellaho
They're looking at the video of the crime. This is the flimsiest evidence I've ever seen
FancyShark
The only other bald person in Chicago
hot beige jakesy
There's no way there are more than two Balds around here
gellaho
I was skipping over these, but it keeps happening
gellaho
gellaho
FancyShark
Okay, real talk, I can't blame them for this. They're in Chicago. It's a crime if you don't go out to eat.
GDCommando!
That's probably what I'd be doing if I was in chicago, honestly.
gellaho
A 63 year old who was a confidant of a college girl. Cool
John, Grand Master of the Arena
That's true. But those are the most generic descriptions possible. “I'm hungry, let's eat. They did.”
gellaho
He also lives on a houseboat
FancyShark
Ah, so he can bask in the aroma of Lake Michigan
A body of water that only seems like it should be flammable
gellaho
Looking like an excessive number of people know about this virus and how to make it work
gellaho
Considering it threatens the existence of their fancy network, why would they (A) want to buy it or (B) use it
FancyShark
"Evans disagreed, calling the virus 'a holy thing' and its use 'a moral imperative'"
FancyShark
They went on to found Weyland-Yutani and Umbrella Inc
gellaho
Still not sure this makes a whole lot of sense, but ok
gellaho
Explosion #2
gellaho
Or a gunshot, I guess
FancyShark
Damn, when did this get exciting?
gellaho
Clumsy assassin
John, Grand Master of the Arena
In case the automatic gunfire didn't tip you off, we need help!
gellaho
Goddammit, just let Joe die
GDCommando!
Man, always get a feel for a cars handling before you need to make a getaway after a shooting
FancyShark
Especially in Chicago traffic
gellaho
Jesus, Joe is a moron
FancyShark
It's called the Museum of Science and Industry now, but they won't sue you for this. It's okay to use their real name!
gellaho
You can name real computers and scientists, buddy
hot beige jakesy
A yes man, programmed to say yes, man
gellaho
They won't sue, and you might teach the kids something
FancyShark
Joe, when chasing someone, it's a good idea to not get distracted by shinies
gellaho
Excuse me
gellaho
Working coal mine. In a museum.
FancyShark
what
"Yeah, the black lung lawsuits are a pain, but cool huh?"
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Joe jumped down an elevator shaft <cheering>
But he lived <crying>
GDCommando!
Wait is there an actual coal seam under the museum still?
gellaho
So, I should mention that they found coal residue in the helicopter. I don't know why that is included in the book, though, because he's already out of the fake coal mine
gellaho
I don't know why you'd put that in the book
Seems like an unnecessary complication
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Chicago, famously in coal country
gellaho
Why is this old computer scientist in the museum at night
hot beige jakesy
So joe came in his pants and then met an underground programming troll who lives in the mine?
What in Tarnation
FancyShark
He's there to ask the curator if he can suck on her toes, per his seduction teacher Don Diebel
gellaho
Legitimately don't understand any of this
GDCommando!
Turns out this guy is a Cybermonk, and Joe Hardy is about to meet Dennis Rodman.
FancyShark
If this turns into a Seanbaby story, I will forgive everything we've witnessed
gellaho
I think Joe has lost his mind
FancyShark
What's this about earlobes?
Was that a plot point?
hot beige jakesy
Like are they saying tugging your earlobe is a murder tell?
Like some teddy kgb shit?
gellaho
So that guy who lived in the houseboat said that the rich dude had been murdered
FancyShark
No, Fenton. Murdered and he's fine.
gellaho
So the earlobe thing is implying that the old guy is pretending to be the rich guy
Maybe
FancyShark
hmm
gellaho
I can't get over these Mission: Impossible masks
hot beige jakesy
Hahaha ohhhhh the earlobe thing checks out now
gellaho
Joe, having survived explosions and gunfire, is concerned about lunch
FancyShark
Yeah, yeah. Murder conspiracy and IEDs. I'm craving a reuben.
gellaho
Every character is insane
gellaho
The lot of them should be in prison
hot beige jakesy
Paulette hasn't told the truth once
There's a new story every time she shows up
Like just arrest her and call it a day at this point
FancyShark
She's still more likable than any of the Hardy's
gellaho
💥
GDCommando!
Lying to make Joe Hardy go away is extremely relatable.
hot beige jakesy
I mean sure
Haha every computer is a bomb now
This is how computers work
GDCommando!
It's like they're on the bridge of the Enterprise.
gellaho
Say bye to Paulette again
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Frank just keeps black cat firecrackers in his pocket and lights them to make Joe shut up. Joe is such an idiot he thinks it's a bomb every time.
FancyShark
Don't call the cops or firefighters! That'll just hack the courts and fire hydrants!
FancyShark
Joe never fully came back from Vietnam...somehow
gellaho
I legitimately don't really understand what is going on
gellaho
Is the receptionist in on it, then?
hot beige jakesy
Yessssss eyepatch guy
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Joe is the type to either spit on veterans or anti-war protestors. Probably both.
gellaho
I guess she is
FancyShark
Don't try throwing sexy talk like "foursome" around now, book
gellaho
The guy who's behind it kidnapped you in his office
gellaho
Flawless plan
FancyShark
Literally everyone would want the power of the biggest computer company on Earth. But, sure, Bruno's nearby
gellaho
WHY DOES HE WANT THE VIRUS THAT EXPLODES COMPUTERS
gellaho
He is in a software and networking company. They need people to have computers
hot beige jakesy
Yeah so they can BLOW THEM UP
FancyShark
Ooo! Does he point out how the Hardy Boys are not so different from him?
hot beige jakesy
And then SELL them MORE COMPUTERS
gellaho
They're going to blow up their dad
FancyShark
So Laird committed multiple acts of terrorism rather than point out that his boss was a lunatic that shouldn't be allowed to run the company?
gellaho
There is a ton of evidence pointing to the company being responsible for these explosions
FancyShark
Wait. THE SEMINAR'S STILL ON?!
gellaho
They've brought everyone to the museum to blow them up
gellaho
gellaho
I feel like you can't get away with crimes this flamboyant
FancyShark
The St Valentine's Day Massacre didn't attract the kind of attention this would
hot beige jakesy
Yeah someone is going to eventually ask why all these computers by Evanco are exploding
gellaho
FancyShark
Ahh, the janitor's huffin' closet
gellaho
I still don't know what they're getting out of all this murder
hot beige jakesy
The insurance money
Is always the nonsense answer for these types of things
gellaho
Disarm the computer
hot beige jakesy
Hahaha you mean unplug it
Joe gets it
FancyShark
They're blowing up a museum to settle a computer company's internal dispute over selling a virus
gellaho
In what universe
GDCommando!
and how.
hot beige jakesy
Hahahah
FancyShark
lol, awesome
hot beige jakesy
Metal cords and no outlets, like all safe computers are wired
gellaho
~~Cut the red wire~~ Hit the four key!
FancyShark
Something I'm sure a museum loved having installed
John, Grand Master of the Arena
If only they had one, nay two, computer geniuses with them.
gellaho
They're comfy under their blankets
FancyShark
hahahaha, they put a pause command in the murder-program?
gellaho
Those old computers used to run on gasoline, you know
FancyShark
Windows Vista by Michael Bay
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I've lost count of the explosions in this book.
hot beige jakesy
Must have packed these computers full of fruit purée sours
What's the deal with people thinking that non-explosive things can be taught to explode
gellaho
Paulette is a goddamn psychopath
gellaho
She's also rented a helicopter?
FancyShark
"God, Paulette, I can't believe I have to explain the sanctity of human life to you again"
gellaho
Is this guy a Bond villain? Why is he doing this?
gellaho
How many people at this company are involved in this terrorism?
gellaho
hot beige jakesy
@Children Love The Jetski Kid tagging you here for the first mention of the proto-Robonic Virus
gellaho
And, they're fine
FancyShark
Best way to keep people from uncovering your criminal doings is to make a helicopter crash on a Chicago skyscraper
gellaho
Well, they got to the seminar
gellaho
Lol
FancyShark
Jesus
gellaho
I guess the computer just decided to explode anyway
GDCommando!
As they are ready to do at a moment's notice, apparently.
FancyShark
What's the body count from the computer bombs? Is it just Paulette?
hot beige jakesy
It was all fuck Paulette
FancyShark
Son of a
gellaho
She's fine though. I mean, that other explosion destroyed a museum but whatever
gellaho
Sure
FancyShark
...
gellaho
And it would exit through the monitor
For some reason
FancyShark
Electricity is the same as hose water, right?
gellaho
Yeah, Paulette you should probably be going to jail
GDCommando!
Big time.... terrorism?
gellaho
You should all be in prison. For so many reasons
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Only a few dozen people know about these viruses, so if we delete them they can never come back, right guys?
FancyShark
Did we mention the legality concerning viruses, and how the company totally had a plan to circumvent federal laws to get rich selling a bomb virus?
Oh shit. Paulette founded EA
gellaho
Huh?
gellaho
He was blackmailed by... somebody for...something
And he had to work under a fake name for... reasons
FancyShark
Nazis? Is it nazis?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I want to point out this bullshit at the end would have been a better book than the one we got.
FancyShark
Agreed
gellaho
Why did he find it irresistible?
gellaho
That's the question you have to answer
That's literally his motivation
FancyShark
I know I look forward to impersonating people I know well.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Does this mean Joe got his ass handed to him by an old man at the beginning of the book?
If so, I'm on board.
gellaho
But, fuck you, reader! It's over!
FancyShark
Haha, that museum won't reopen for decades!
gellaho
Oh, memories
hot beige jakesy
Lol he wanted to drum up more mask business
gellaho
I have defeated Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #72: Screamers!
FancyShark
Well @gellaho , thank you for another great readalong. And thank you @John, Grand Master of the Arena @GDCommando! @hot beige jakesy and @Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone; you're all awesome and hilarious
John, Grand Master of the Arena
It's the sign of a good mystery writer when every character acts suspiciously for no reason except to make them seem like a suspect.
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
oh my god the author literally called the book "screamers" first then tried to fenagle a reason it's called that into the story
that's why the exploding computers are called that
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I'm annoyed it was never explained why the computers scream before they explode.
FancyShark
I think it was supposed to be the energy buildup?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I guess. I had just hoped it would be something that didn't sound like it was from an Amish person's fever dream.
Either way, thanks for another great evening @gellaho and everyone else who was here tonight.
FancyShark
See anyone on Sunday at 6pm Eastern that wants to see "Winky Lost in the Rockies". Otherwise, have a good weekend!
gellaho
I'm still not clear on why that guy wouldn't make all of the money from his magical mask technology. Rather than use it for a kidnapping
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I'm not clear why the guy with the magic mask technology, which he used to commit crimes, put that on display at a museum.
FancyShark
Did they have just a couple computers blow up and level that wing of the museum, or did he have trucks just stacking computers outside and running on a generator?
gellaho
I think the explanation was the oily rags
That's not a good explanation, but it's what you get
FancyShark
More explanation than the answers for your questions. Dude could have set up a military contract for those masks and retired decades earlier.
gellaho
I love that they went from this mystery about explosions, billion dollar companies, and terrorism to a mystery about counterfeit rap CDs
And the one about the white rapper is the one with murder
FancyShark
Oh dang. Did you guys cover that one already?
gellaho
And ninjas with broadswords
gellaho
Hell yeah. It's the first Hardy Boys I did
FancyShark
Nice! Gotta do some scrolling then
gellaho
I mean, it's art
FancyShark
That's pure Miami Connection
hot beige jakesy
Yes indeed this was a good time as always
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
the main thing I remember about Bad Rap is how Joe spends a lot of the book trying to convince everyone around him he's not gay for Randy failing spectacularly
gellaho
The best thing about that book is that every single chapter ends with a cliffhanger that is immediately resolved by the next page
Greg
The main thing I remember is them bouncing between the same three locations and so many trips didn't advance the plot in any way or serve any purpose
gellaho
"oh no! Frank got pushed in front of a train!"
"no he didn't"
Greg
And they always make the death sound so inescapable
gellaho
Randy Randy's room number was 420
It's great
Greg
"The gunman pressed the shotgun into Frank's back and pulled the trigger with tremendous blast"
"Frank did karate to get away"
GDCommando!
Thank you for this. I hope this book dies in book jail.
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Did the virus do things no computer can do, like transmit itself over outlets into non-electronic electrics?
gellaho
It made computers explode
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Classic hAxX0r
hot beige jakesy
The author assumed we didn't know anything about electronics so the explanation was like “the volts are supercharging the circuit breaker and the transformer explodes!”
Also depending on how long you were gone, you missed that JD Masters is bros with George RR Martin
