"69 Mayhem in Motion" by Franklin W. Dixon | Book Cage Reading Archive

It's been a long time coming, but it's finally time for Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #69 (nice): Mayhem in Motion! Will the murder be solved or will Joe be too distracted by cartoon dogs? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.

@Brockway Pin this message before the Hardy Boys pin you for the murder

"Damn it joe why is the drug sniffing dog so pissed at you?"

"Fuck yourself, Frank! That's why!"

Joe is watching his brother get mauled by a dog and he's never been more turned on. (edited)

Brockway

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They'll never catch me - I'm going to hide in an old mine!

Is that a My Pet Monster poster in the back?

Yep!

30 minutes until Mayhem in Motion

Here's your preview

Oh god they're going to murder so many dogs

A young Michael Vick read this and knew his destiny

Murder! Those! Dogs!

Yes! BINGO!

The back of the book says they will use the art of illusion

So I'm hoping for magic

Or illusion to dogs, which don't have object permanence

The illusion will be like Frank pretending to throw a ball to get away

I'm betting on Joe Hardy failing to pick up a woman with close up magic.

Oh, I wish

He would be all about sawing a woman in half

I just really want to see Joe fuck up a card trick and get laughed at.

Starting with Joe, not great

I'm more impressed we're actually seeing them in school

Joe has spotted a new female

Joe never laughs when he sees a woman

This girl seems to already pissed off the Mafia

Joe's question "who's that" was just establishing plausible deniability.

He'll soon have her putting the lotion in the basket

Classic "I'll call a tow truck" pickup line

I guess

"It does? Wow, no. I'd never hit on someone as awful as you"

Lady, that's not a pickup line he is literally luring you into his van.

This is the exact wrong answer

That's not what she asked, Joe. Stop avoiding the question.

"I didn't spend all weekend hosing child blood out of the back of a fucking truck"

"It's quiet if you ignore the constant crime"

"You're not an ASSASSIN clone, are you?"

“Also ignore our constant presence at or in the vicinity of said crimes”

Maybe Vanessa is trying to murder Joe

It's the classic serial-killer faux pas of intruding on another killer's territory

I like to think she's being sarcastic there.

Vanessa lives in a weird farm

Vanessa, honey, you went from “ew go away creepy van guy” to holding hands with creepy van guy REAL quick

"So, planning a terrorism?"

All the best cartoons are made in converted barns

“We can help! We have a van!”

At least one of those computers is seconds away from blowing up in Joe's face.

Exploding computers is Hardy Universe canon.

"Rex Rover? Did you guys even have a second idea?"

Whoever wrote this book should sue Stephen Spielberg

This was written in 199

Nobody tell them about South Korea

Toy Story is already in development at this point.

I can't believe someone stole Animaniacs from the Hardy Boys

Yeah. WTF, Spielberg?

"Joe thought they belonged in the freak show"

Tall redheaded woman = cartoon. Short bald man = cartoon

Nothing freakier than a TALL LADY and a SHORT GUY huh?

I can't wait for the reveal that they're a married criminal couple

RIP barn

Fire from exploding computer?

RIP short baldy

What a great character

wow. that was fast

I think Vanessa is crazy

Wait, why would you tell anyone that?

That's not a thing people tell other people.

I think Vanessa's mom might be crazy

If you're going to include a stupid aphorism, at least quote it properly

It's "if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a hoppin'"

Vanessa saved the animation, but missed the human man

To be fair, it was established that he was very small.

probably because he was so short

Yeah. Not like those computer disks

I'm no animation expert, but this seems weird

Well this was 1992, disks could be as big as 5.25".

They are celebrating how Vanessa saved the animation

Completely disregarding the dead guy

"We saved the first three episodes guys!"

At Skip's funeral, they'll speak for 20 minutes about how great the animation was they saved

We've been over this, he was short. And bald. He had no reason to live

That is the appropriate response

See, this is why you need to maintain off-site backups.

In case Joe Hardy shows up.

Why isn't that sentence at the end of every conversation?

Phil Gemowski: a real name

Wasn't Mega Mouse a Lemongello creation?

Notice how buried Skip is in the concerns

A great man

I hope that was Skip's eulogy

Just exactly what Andrea said

They'll probably forget to have a funeral

Skip's body just lying in a trash bag by their desks

They toss their Burger King wrappers into the bag absentmindedly

Joe is confused by police collecting evidence

The chief doesn't like people pointing out he never went to college

Keep telling yourself that Joe

"Also, the scrawled note on the wall in Skip's blood saying 'MURDER'"

I can't believe that every police officer wouldn't know you idiots

Frank is still exerting effort in showing human emotions

I'm sure the creators of "The Andersons" would go out of their way to destroy the three person barn animation studio

Who I guess would be that universe's version of Matt Groening

"Trust me, if you ever saw the show, you'd kill to keep it off the air too"

It must be the Japanese!

That sounds like really shitty animation

Is Frank Dixon just taking digs at anime now?

Somebody threw a giant rock at their van

Well, he did already indicate the Japanese man didn't listen to a woman saying "no"

Also, isn't Toho the company that owns Godzilla?

Yup

It's weird how many times poison gas comes up in these books

"Somebody farted. Let's get out of here!"

Frank knew that the anonymous gas was deadly and explosive

To be fair he does have extensive experience exploding.

And huffing fumes

That's the customary Joe surviving explosion

And Lynn, who was unconscious in the poison-filled house before they arrived? She's fine

And the customary Joe head injury.

What a couple of detectives

What does a chef have to do with this?

Was the gas coming from the stove? That's the kind of thing you should establish before the quip, Dixon.

I'm telling you, it's a complete coincidence

The police chief is just desperately trying to keep Joe and Frank from interfering further.

"Look! Keys! Jingle jingle jingle! Just go away!"

"Get out of my office before my computer smells you and explodes!"

This is definitely something a television company would do

Just sending animals to people without warning

Yeah, working dogs don't need like, trainers or handlers or anything.

Just Fedex a dog over, who cares.

That dog has been waiting in a warehouse for two weeks

It's time for the cover

DOG ASSASSIN

That kicks ass

The next chapter is just a graphic description of Frank's throat being chewed apart

The Grey (2011)

"Yay! He broke that dog's jaw!"

FIGHT! THAT! DOG!

KILL! THAT! HARDY!

I don't care if the dog's trying to kill you. Kicking a dog is never a good look for a protagonist.

Dogs work like birds, right?

This is the Bingo sequel we need

They go to sleep when it gets dark?

I mean, it wore itself out but I'd think it'd still be awake

I mean, people put blankets over their dogs' crates, so maybe? Idk my dog sleeps like all the time anyway

Having owned a German Shepherd, I can say that they definitely do not go to sleep when it's dark.

How many throats has he torn out?

Frank, being a robot, can hear higher frequencies than a human

Vanessa and Andrea are huge Def Leppard fans, so their eardrums are shot

Classic dog whistle spy device

Switches it back on, instantly swarmed by thousands of bats

It's fascinating seeing how this author thinks animation works

The Manchurian Caninedidate

So, we're going to get a description of The Andersons

It's so weird

Saying something is the size of 2 or 3 quarters together is awkward. It's make believe! Just say it's the size of a quarter and your book will be better!

There's even a half dollar out there

This is such a meta idea for this book to go into

The Swizzler fucks

I think it means it's the diameter of a quarter but the thickness of 3 stacked together

Herbert never gave up his porn name

It's a cartoon about a cartoonist who draws live action (edited)

I think so, too. But either way, I maintain it's bad writing to say that.

Which, as far as I'm aware, isn't a thing anyone has actually done

This idea is too good for this book.

Oh so it's a fuckin toonie, eh?

That may be the case but the day I plagiarize a Hardy Boys book is the day I end it all

Stephen Spielberg already did, so might as well

That's how the internet works, sure

The computer then exploded

Okay, come to think of it, make a Jack Kirby biopic like this.

Women aren't allowed to be tall and red haired

Bit public to be doing that, Frank

How dare she

Does the Amazon have a name, or did I miss it?

I've just been thinking of her as Red Sonja.

Lynn St. Pierre

Hers is the house that exploded

She was casually mentioned at the same time as Skip

That's a very Bond Girl name.

Why does she need a name? She's a tall lady with red hair! THE FREAKIEST OF FREAKS

Literally every time the Hardy's spot two people walking together, one is saying no to the other

They always think "they're in cahoots!"

She's lying! The gingers are known for their deceit!

Okay, I'm coining a new law: the number of times an author mentions a tall woman's height is proportional to the author's desire to be stepped on by said woman. (edited)

That tracks with all of the reviewers that mentioned the lady in the new Resident Evil

This show is getting canceled in two weeks and that family ain't getting shit

And if it's being animated now, I think most of your scripts already need to be done

Skip's body was sent Ground Shipping because it's not like he's getting any deader

they could fit that short bastard into a shoe box

I'm surprised they didn't just roll that sad fuck into a ditch

Honestly, the biggest credibility stretch is that a short man could find someone to love him

Vanessa is very smart to get photographs of Joe

Joe has a moment of clarity

Yeah that's a veteran move

[6:30 PM]

“This is him, officer”

the only problem is that the only people who could investigate her murder are the Hardys

[6:30 PM]

because the police apparently don't do anything

Lynn has encountered many Joe Hardys in her time.

I have a feeling that this technology didn't exist in 199

Oh shit deep fake

And yet, even she didn't pay for it

OK, definitely not

This is just magic

Three-D

"So, you can basically bring back the dead from a photo?"

"Can I see my grandma again?"

"NO! We only make cartoon dogs!"

Frank Dixon predicting the Wacom tablet is eerily prescient.

It did, at least graphics tablets did. They were really expensive though

"You're telling me that you can make a 3-D model from a couple of photographs?"

"You can retire. Just sell this to porn studios"

On a computer in a school girl's room in 1992 (edited)

"This would have made Jurassic Park a lot easier."

To be fair, it's probably using almost all 256KB of RAM on that thing

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graphics_tablet

Cool!

History being the relevant section there

Way older than I thought

Right? 1888, holy shit

Suddenly: Gunplay

I misread that. I first thought it said Vanessa's head exploded

it is weirdly written

The gunman decided that one missed shot was enough and left

Probably just a hunter blowing off some steam

Macho Moron: The Joe Hardy Story

*(not actually that macho)

Women: They'll Just Wait

"I know part of your house burned down and got shot at, but I'm sure you and I can agree this is all one crazy coincidence?"

I was joking!

It's not a homework assignment, Frank

You can't just put a TV show on whenever

Pete Moss, who really missed his calling as a gardener/landscaper

"He's being so unfair! Expecting TV shows to be ready in time, it's unreasonable!"

An exact quote from the writer's room of Venture Bros

Frank has access to a version of the internet that did not exist in 1992

Wait, did Frank hack the IRS?

No, he called their computer with his computer

Frank hacked the planet.

Learn to internet

Vanessa, why

why are you doing this

@

Of course. I was modeming too hard

demonic modem noise (edited)

Kinda seems like you could use this to protect soldiers and other law enforcement in dangerous situations, but, sure, let's make a cartoon

The same reason any 17 year old does anything - she's flirting

A man is dead.

With Joe Hardy? She's a Forensic Files episode in waiting

I definitely did some objectively dumb shit as a teenager trying to catch some d

I think the difference is someone is clearly trying to murder her

And I don't mean Joe this time

Not sure that would have stopped me either

Also, Joe: ew

So she's living out North by Northwest over a cartoon that Hanna Barbara would have called precious?

Brilliant

My brilliant idea: get us both stuck in a snow bank

Then we can't move

Good thing they're so white they blend in with the snow

TOSS! THAT! GIRL!

Joe: "Please, Vanessa, women can't drive"

"What the hell's a woman?"

"And why am I so angry when you say that word!?"

Frank's also a moron

Is it supposed to be obvious why they'd target this teen? Because I got no clue

I think she's supposed to be the only remaining owner of their cartoon?

What happened to her mom?

🤷‍♂️

Yeah, her parents should be the targets

The only person to die so far is the worthless short baldy

otherwise, it's just been failed murder attempts

Yeah, "person"

And now the Hardys encounter: BEEF

Thank god, he was too miserable to be allowed to live

Skip has to feel especially ashamed that he died after seeing how bad the killers have done since then

"Man, these guys suck and they still got me"

Literally the only evidence so far has been a lighter with the initials SG

and tire tracks

I bet when he bit it he let out a long, squeaky shart

If that's not in the book it should be

He is pathetic

He probably did it when he heard the gunfire, way before he was even hit

From the single (maybe) line he got before he ate it

The reason I'm telling you about the lighter is for this "twist"

I usually leave out the evidence because the culprits usually capture the Hardys at some point at just tell them about the crime

So all evidence is worthless

True. We got a damn soliloquy in the last one

I'm also seeing Frank is continuing his demonizing of the Polish

Arsonists are always leaving their engraved Zippos at crime scenes

I think my favorite part about the Hardy Boys books is how quickly the heads of expansive corporations go straight to murder

Guys: matches exist

Fuck business deals, I will go straight James Bond villain with this shit!

Tax season must be insane for these people

ONLY I CAN PRODUCE CARTOOOOOONSSSS!!!

Flash animation must have driven these guys berserk

“You see, boys, I don't want to be the best animation shop. I want to be the ONLY animation shop.”

BTW, Vanessa is in the hospital

I didn't skip anything

"You really dropped the ball on this one, Frank. Just FYI"

Okay, I'm a little behind, but why would the guy engrave initials he hated into a lighter he owns?

Stop using logic, or you'll get arsoned!

Narrative convenience

Stupid, right? THERES NO TIME FOR STUPID, GET IN LOSER WE'RE SOLVING CRIMES

Then don't say he didn't like the name! Say it was something only his closest friends were allowed to call him!

Women, amirite?

I SAID THERES NO TIME

What kind? It's a fucking car crash, Joe, not an ice cream flavor

The kind that lands her in the hospital, dipshit

I hope they kill this disgusting, worthless doctor

He's reverse mansplaining now. Pretending to the woman something exists that doesn't.

Ewww. They let him actually touch people?

Good to know Dixon has no idea what a surgeon looks like. What the hell is a "baggy green surgical outfit?"

Joe: “Thank god it's only a head injury! Don't worry, I get those all the time!”

“I thought you broke your vagina or something important!”

So

She walked away from this accident

Glad we took time out for this

I can't wait to hear what they think would cause a car to perform like this.

"You probably just had one of your moon-cycles and slipped on the sidewalk"

low tire pressure

How does every fictional setting have one of these roads?

the world is only cliffs

anywhere and everywhere

Cliffs on cliffs

cliffs and fjords

The world is a Jenga tower halfway through a game

Ah yes, low tire pressure, the thing that increases tire/road surface area

"New tires never need inflating"

What fresh bullshit is this

They magically inflate when installed

"We have a confession, but we think it might be a coincidence"

I haven't mentioned this character because he's unimportant, but there's an insurance investigator named Walt Steadman

haha, nice

He apparently thinks he's a detective

He has a point

Except, he hasn't. He briefly tailed the Hardys van

He hasn't put any effort into this

Fair, but that's a savage takedown of the Hardy's crime solving strategy

Which is to get exploded until the crime is solved

I'm behind again. But the only way for tires to have 12 PSI is if you're ina hurricane. Normal ambient air pressure is 14.7. Read a science book sweatshop writer using a 100 year old pen name!

Until the crime is explained to them by the criminal

Just like real detectives!

Rock solid evidence there, boys

Noone chews gum except criminals

I guess they're right that rims would have less traction…

"He said he was joking, but you could tell he wasn't"

Vanessa, you forgot a fucking lot

She works with computers. She should be fine in Chicago.

Wouldn't that look way more dramatic than what was described? It was described as like, mostly normal but bulgy at the bottom; in my experience that's what tires look like at ~25 PSI depending on the tires

Maybe at the Museum of Science and Industry

Maybe because there have been like 12 attempts on your life in the past week?

Frank's working out some weird fetishes with his brother

Those couldn't possibly have anything to do with those suspicious phone calls or our sudden move? Nah

I don't know what it would look like. I've never seen a vacuum pump hooked up to car tires.

But Frank worries me

Dixon's experimenting with slashfic for his own series

This plan is so bluntly stupid

The original series had them in a convertible and it was cool. Now they have a creepy rape van. I don't like it.

"JUST FUCKING RAM THEM WITH YOUR CAR"

I don't understand the point of the "disguise"

So they've been murdering every redhead in the area?

Especially now that Joe has been sucked out into the night

somehow

wtf. Are they in space?

Or their van is pressurized

GUYS I'm starting to think this author knows VERY LITTLE about air pressure.

Classic Hardy Boys, "lol, nevermind"

No no, they're trying to kill Vanessa, not Lynn. Lynn is the adult woman who works as an animator. Vanessa is a blonde teen who wants Joe Hardy inside her

The worst mistake a young girl can make

Ohh, thank you! Also: ewww

She could definitely do better

The fuck is happening here

"Joe, the van's parked"

I guess Frank's still ripping down the street as this is happening?

"ALL PART OF THE PLAN, JOE!"

Frank hit the brakes and Joe ends up back in the van

which surely wouldn't break all his bones

Canada of course

This also means this whole endeavor was pointless

If it's a fuckvan there's probably like a mattress in the back

"So you didn't even bother?!"

"Hey Joe, dress up like your girl friend (but not girlfriend). Then, we'll find out the license plate number. That will be pointless, because the car will be stolen"

It's definitely a fuck van

BRILLIANT

It's true that Canadian license plates are completely untraceable

I have 9 pages for this to make any sense

Frank can't hack Canadian databases

Impossible to hack them, they use metric electricity

Lol, what?

Also, you just have to ask a Canadian if their car is stolen and they'll answer truthfully

FUCKIN WHAT

"Listen, the cross dressing plan didn't work. So now: cartoons!"

You have to do it politely

Oh hell, they're going to trick him into thinking the dead loser's alive so he'll confess

Actually I've changed my mind. It's totally reasonable that the cops aren't going to help them trace a plate as soon as they hit the crossdressing part of the story

“Yeah, sure, kids. Get the fuck out of here”

This is insane

Make a photo realistic animation of the studio overnight

JUST DO IT

Okay, I was slightly off, but this is still in the same idiotic spirit as my joke

ahahahaha incredible plan

Yeah, unfortunately we can't animate the dead loser; any photos of him would be way too depressing to look at for hours

"Holodeck me a crime scene!"

"IT DOESN'T LOOK REALISTIC GIRL. GET IT TOGETHER!"

YOU ARE A FAILURE

Joe Hardy: Animation Mansplainer

For real. Ya girl's the expert here, assface

It's not a lighting problem. You literally explained that you're animating by alternating between two static images

Considering the shit that has fooled these idiots in the past, it must look pretty bad

"We'll make it dark, to hide your shame"

Forging Evidence = heroism

HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

Is it any wonder the police chief was desperate to get rid of these guys?

Not at all

What the fuck are you talking about, it's not going to be useable

Celluloid melts, dipshit

He burned the cassette, not the tape

I think Vanessa just wants to see how this shit will play out

If he didn't go too hard it should still slot into a VCR and play

I feel like then the tape isn't going to work with a VCR

Trust me, Joe went too hard

He hijacked a baggage cart from a Mexican airport

I mean, yeah, he's a brain damaged hormone addled maniac

I hope he breathed the fumes from the burning plastic nice and deep

Actually this works out pretty well because this is just a delay tactic, so fucking up the VCR will just cause further delays.

Unusually clever, Joe.

I don't understand this plan

Call the murdered out to the forest, where you have a vcr setup (???)

Hey, the last book had a plan that required a dwarf in a graveyard

Where the VHS tape is already in the player

SO WHY BURN IT

Um...low tire pressure?

And, oops, he has a gun

Their Hardy brains are very smooth

Who would have guessed

TVs have to be plugged in, Joe

I'd urge him to pull the trigger, but I'm not getting my hopes up again

Fortunately Joe knows he is unkillable

I like to think Joe's hauling a genuine Poxco around

Hahahaha who knew the Hardy's were “guns don't kill people” guys

lol

And what's that sticking out the back? A tail?

The Hardys somehow bumble into breaking this dude's arm

The gun roared? That's a strange description.

Once again, all evidence is meaningless

The Hardys have been around enough gunfire that they should barely hear it at this point

As the villain just spills everything out

Ohhhh. So they filmed him trying to murder them

Remember kids: if you feel real strongly that somebody's guilty, it's OK to fabricate evidence!

And the mom confessed because... I don't know, fuck you

Story of Skip's life

He shot a gun near you an hour ago moron.

I mean, innocent people confess all the time for similar reasons. Just usually under intense police interrogation, not just cuz

I'm guessing that's not what happened here though

I love that this author thinks a TV show is only written by two people

"If I murder the entire writer's room, then I will have all the cartoons!"

Wait so why was he trying to kill the teen?

To get the mom to stop making the show

I guess

Oh, sweet summer child. Nobody in this universe does anything for any rational reason

It doesn't make a lot of sense

"Thank God you have the TV series from that murdered crew. How did you get it?"

"Umm...I found it. On the sidewalk. In Canada. You wouldn't know the street."

"Yeah, I wasn't asking for the definition of red herring, you pedantic dick"

But I thought they all at least explained their evil plan

If you are going through the trouble to murder someone, I don't know why you wouldn't murder the mom

Unfortunately the Hardys are explaining it

This is the best explanation they've got

Except that he was clearly trying to kill her for reals

Every one of these could be answered with “he did it for the insurance money” trope and it would make more sense than the actual explanations

And we end with the most disgusting thing I can think of, a Joe Hardy cartoon show

Hahaha!

...

No one attended Skip's funeral

Look, in 1992 if you were a TV executive and you wanted to bully one of your female subordinates you really didn't have to try and kill her kid

Everyone was busy in a freeze frame laughing while fading to credits.

When Skip's family was contacted and informed of the events, they agreed that a Joe Hardy cartoon sounded funny

We have defeated Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #69 (nice): Mayhem in Motion

When they found out they were shipping his bald, worthless corpse out to them they collectively said “ugh”

I'm frustrated we didn't get an explanation for the My Pet Monster poster.

They were glad to be rid of him

They left his body at the curb, hoping the garbage collectors would take it

Thanks @gellaho !! You're a true hero

Yes, thank you @gellaho. This ruled as always

69 Mayhem in Motion Franklin W. Dixon

Draw the line against crime, and you're sure to find plenty of live-action danger.

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