Time to return to the wacky time travelling adventures of Dr. Marvin Brewster, the evil wizard Warrick, and the 8 trillion other characters in the Reluctant Sorcerer/Adequate Adept. What does an already too meta sci-fi/fantasy series need? That's right, you need to insert that author into the story, baby! The time has arrived to finish Simon Hawke's fantasy comedy series with The Ambivalent Magician. Coming this Friday, 5pm eastern, bring the pain.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway pin this or else get pulled into a fantasy world where you'll be forced to make soap and swiss army knives in excruciating detail
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Didn't this come out in like 2015
gellaho
1996
FancyShark
If Hawke thinks this is a "nonstop rollicking adventure romp", something like making coffee or folding laundry must be like a roller coaster to him
And fuck you, Locus
gellaho
If you don't think the production process behind pig iron isn't hilarious, I don't know what to tell you
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Simon writing himself into the story is like the meta verse of 1996 then
FancyShark
Locus is right about one thing: there's a lot of comedic potential in the book. It's just left to rot while Hawke tells us what he watched on TLC
gellaho
with three exclamation points
Heretic Ferroday
god that cover looks like Hawke desperately wanted to be Terry Pratchett
FancyShark
Oh, you have no idea how right you are
gellaho
The David Mattingly covers were much better
That perfectly encapsulates what a dweebus the main character is
FancyShark
It's also the most fun page of the entire book
Heretic Ferroday
I kinda love the two conan side characters at the bottom
throwing up their hands like "why the fuck did you buy this?"
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
I tried to take a drink every time I caught him imitating Pratchett and I wasn't self destructive enough to keep up.
Heretic Ferroday
oh god
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
I dunno he looks pretty good to me
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
What the fuck
I thought Jakesey had Gordon Ramsey as his pic
Brockway
pinned
a message
to this channel. See all
pinned messages
.
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
Excellent
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Oh no. I am the Adept
Or whatever
Brendan Reborn
We should have retired the ascot after Charles Nelson Reilly passed on to that square in the sky.
gellaho
Charles Nelson Reilly passed in 2007, so these ascots are safe
gellaho
Less than an hour until The Ambivalent Magician. They decided to put a big spoiler in the preview
FancyShark
Sixty years and he never tried that?
gellaho
Long Dedication on this one
FancyShark
Spreading the blame around quite a bit
Brendan Reborn
I'm only sorta here for the first hour, so I may ask for a recap when I fully arrive.
Mr. J Boots
god damn so many people were involved in this book, it better be amazing
gellaho
Simon's getting involved immediately
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Oh hell ya
Mr. J Boots
oh well, just getting right in there
FancyShark
Ripping the bandage off early
Javo, The One with the Owls
ok im out
Mr. J Boots
fair, I think im gonna stay a bit see where this goes
gellaho
He does not have time for your shit either
FancyShark
Brace yourself if you stay. These books hurt more than any of the others we've read
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
You gotta a least stay to read "Hawke moistened his lips"
Mr. J Boots
this is physically painful to read
gellaho
It's also all about Pittsburg, you love Pittsburg!
FancyShark
Always draw your reader in by telling them what you're doing for them is a massive chore
gellaho
I have some doubts about this one
FancyShark
Of course you do, Hawke
Except they word it more like "when will this shit be over?"
Mr. J Boots
so that's why it's called fantasy fiction
gellaho
He's a very busy man
FancyShark
"I will not have my readers thinking I'm a sloppy writer"
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Hmmm 1996 right? What was the serious book
FancyShark
Oddly, it was Infinite Jest
Mr. J Boots
is this just a phillip k dick style mental breakdown he's having that he then published?
FancyShark
He did this shit in the last two books too
Maybe the Biggest Mo
https://www.ebay.com/itm/174456523823
FancyShark
Because he thinks it's clever
gellaho
Say goodbye to Teddy
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
It looks like it could have been a D&D novelization he was working on
FancyShark
Dialogue's more sexually charged than he probably intended
Mr. J Boots
Even if it was clever, it's not 3 times in a row clever
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Whims of creation came out around then too
Javo, The One with the Owls
I am so fucking mad you guys
FancyShark
Good. You're in the right headspace for this book then
Mr. J Boots
I thought you liked metatextual stuff
Javo, The One with the Owls
fuck you
Brendan Reborn
The upside of being a writer in 2022 is your checkbook balances itself on Mint. The downside is writing no longer pays. So you get none of my tears, Hawke.
gellaho
I can't believe this is real
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Here, have a Heathcliff
https://www.gocomics.com/heathcliff/2014/06/19
Javo, The One with the Owls
imagine being a student and finding out this dude is teaching you how to write
FancyShark
My Nervous Breakdown by Simon Hawke
Mr. J Boots
So, be very very specific about the wizards power level? that's not good writing advice tbh
gellaho
Hitting a little close to home, Professor?
gellaho
Mr. J Boots
oh god imagine Simon Hawke as a doctor?
FancyShark
Jesus, Simon. Do some journaling or something
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Mystical phenomenon are best when they're rigorously quantified.
Mr. J Boots
"We can't remove his cancerous testicle are you mad? he'll lose all humanity"
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
This actually might be right around when he quit teaching and writing and worked at Home Depot full time
There's no joke there, that's what he did at some point
Mr. J Boots
Brandon Sanderson believes so too but he's also wrong
FancyShark
That tracks
Mr. J Boots
he couldn't even get another teaching job?
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
At least he's not ripping off terry pratchett or douglas adams yet.
FancyShark
Give it time
gellaho
I'm having a great time
Mr. J Boots
is that what he's trying to do?
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
In his blog he said he was just fed up with the life and that Home Depot actually paid him benefits unlike adjunct professoring
Mr. J Boots
he's very bad at it
Mr. J Boots
wow holy shit really?
the fuck is going on colleges
FancyShark
The fuck is going on EDITOR?
gellaho
Something for all the Hawekeheads
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Hahaha
Javo, The One with the Owls
had he considered not sucking shit
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Yermakov joke
Javo, The One with the Owls
Adjuncts are the slave labor of Universities
FancyShark
Knowing he was going through a rough patch in his life does explain these books a bit
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
We've talked about this before and despite all of …this, I'm Team Hawke all the way
FancyShark
These books are an endurance test
gellaho
And now we resume the journalist and the naked mental patient
FancyShark
oh hell, this subplot
Mr. J Boots
what the fuck is happening?
FancyShark
A reporter broke into a mental ward and hid in a random room that happened to contain a nude young woman
And he helped her escape
For some reason
Mr. J Boots
....
what does any of this have to do with the wizard
FancyShark
Some fantasy bullshit is bleeding into the real world and this guy is investigating it
Mr. J Boots
you know what I think javo had the right idea
gellaho
She escaped on her own and hid in his car if I remember
Colin Hightower: the most hated reporter
FancyShark
I honestly can't remember a lot of the details from this subplot
I expect Hawke to give us a full biography on each of those reporters
And Lake Michigan
gellaho
Here you go
FancyShark
Ah, thank you
Wait, I hate this
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Wait isn't this post-apocalyptic? Glad to see the cast of 60 Minutes survived.
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
No this is a different series
FancyShark
For once, there's no apocalypse!
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Same author though
Brendan Reborn
"I'm very concerned about how dry your lips are."
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
We read so many books where the author occasionally forgets his own setting.
FancyShark
I like how a worldwide event is only being examined by one hated journalist
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
This is why worldbuilding is so important.
gellaho
Meanwhile, Marvin Brewster is about to meet some dwarves
FancyShark
I'm sure he'll treat them with dignity
He already has a leprechaun. He can't make them all Irish
Brendan Reborn
Dwarves are just scottish leprechauns.
FancyShark
Wait
Before he meets them
everyone take bets on odds of a Snow White joke
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Do you think he's going to talk about their tiny 10 inch lats?
FancyShark
If Dwarf Ice shows up, I will forgive everything he's done
gellaho
Are you ready for a song?
FancyShark
Hi ho?
gellaho
Partly
FancyShark
Rapping dwarves
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
But then: that's Stuart Scott's music!
FancyShark
I...did not predict rapping
gellaho
Very small
gellaho
This next part will blow your mind
FancyShark
oh no
gellaho
This goes all over the place
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Oh my god
FancyShark
Holy shit
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
So close to Small Ice
FancyShark
WE WERE SO CLOSE!
gellaho
FancyShark
HOLY SHIT
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Lol
gellaho
the cover artist was too much of a coward to depict this
Brendan Reborn
Well, Shark, you called it.
FancyShark
I don't see mention of the Duke of Hell. Forgiveness is still withheld
gellaho
By the way, the hits keep coming
FancyShark
Ha. Ha.
gellaho
Remember: Swiss Army knives are a great gift
Javo, The One with the Owls
is there anything on god's earth worse than bad comedy
gellaho
Meanwhile: fantasy gentrification
FancyShark
Adventure!
gellaho
Endless descriptions of fake business dealings?
FancyShark
@GDC and a bucket of shuriken , take a shot. This is attempting to Pratchett
gellaho
Worry about the imminent riots in Pittsburgh
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Ooh, yeah this is real Ankh-Morporky.
FancyShark
They should relax. Hawke only threatens to have plot developments
gellaho
Simon Hawke muses on the nature of wealth
FancyShark
Dammit, take a shot
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Seems like a normal day in Pittsburgh
gellaho
Your lesson for today is about banking
FancyShark
Take a shot
Javo, The One with the Owls
I am taking a shot but its Russian Roulette instead
gellaho
And then, insurance
FancyShark
DAMMIT, TAKE A SHOT
I'M NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT DRINKING NOW. SOMEONE SHOOT THIS BOOK.
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
This is how I die.
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Uh, that's a terrible picture.
FancyShark
The worst part of the bank talk is that Pratchett wrote about banks after this was published
gellaho
Don't you want to know about their corporate structure?
FancyShark
Fuck, we found what Simon read about for this novel
gellaho
Fantasy jews
FancyShark
Oh NOOOOOOO
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
He accidentally wandered into the wrong classroom one day and stayed for a macro econ lesson
gellaho
Jesus, this business talk is endless
FancyShark
Thank you for not posting all of it
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
gellaho
Secession to avoid taxes
FancyShark
"And document every step of the process!"
gellaho
What you want in a ruler is a former murderer and step-sibling lover
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Assassin's guilds, of course.
Javo, The One with the Owls
worked for Rome
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Which time?
gellaho
Ah, so Australia
gellaho
Footpads and Assassins Guild
I named it the best joke in the first book
FancyShark
It makes an acronym!
Honestly, it was the best joke of the first book
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
oof
gellaho
we've moved from business to nation building
FancyShark
It managed to sound less hate-crime-y, but it was still dated
This series is a great example of how world building is not the same as a story
gellaho
Missed a y there
FancyShark
I was joking about documenting every step, but this is still not surprising
gellaho
Got 'em
FancyShark
Take that, town Hawke definitely didn't pick at random on a map
gellaho
OK, so, there's a joke here but he missed it
gellaho
And I'm no comedian, but the joke should be that he's making soap in order to make people smell better, but the process of making soap makes everything smell bad
that's the irony
instead we spend a lot of time talking about soap production
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
I think he was leaning too heavily on thinking that spam is a funny word.
gellaho
but he doesn't even play that up enough
FancyShark
Too eager to explain the rendering process
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Is this one of those scenes where we realize the author has a fetish?
gellaho
If I wanted to be playing Civilization, I'd be doing that
FancyShark
Possibly
These books are more like he reads encyclopedia entries and regurgitates them onto the page
gellaho
Simon Hawke isn't particularly coy on what he's into
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Lips, mostly.
gellaho
It's giant black dudes and redheads
Enter chamber pot
FancyShark
I'm not comfortable with him saying "young girls"
gellaho
Similar SAG joke
FancyShark
So the war is being fought via economics?
We asked this in the last two books, but who the hell is this series for?
Brendan Reborn
Black men who love redheads?
gellaho
Simon forgot this was a comedy
Brendan Reborn
Royal gossip enthusiasts who are into pissplay?
gellaho
Redheads and svelte aggressive women. Dr. Stone and Raven respectively
FancyShark
Can't see anything wrong with that
But this has enough lore and minutia to keep a hardcore fanbase busy. And nothing to actually build that fanbase
gellaho
Aluminum coins
FancyShark
oh hell
gellaho
Brewster started out as an absent minded professor who only cared about science
gellaho
Now he knows all this economics shit
FancyShark
He has done zero science since he arrived, outside of the basics involved in manufacturing
gellaho
This is what I'm dealing with
FancyShark
JFC
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Like half this book is entry level econ
Why though
FancyShark
Someone published this
Someone paid Hawke money for this after he turned it in
gellaho
Have a lip
FancyShark
There are reviews of this book online. There are people that love it and call it hilarious
Are we in some hell dimension?
gellaho
You're doing a great job so far
gellaho
From what I've seen, most fantasy and scifi comedy books are terrible
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Comedy is hard
gellaho
especially when you are not a comedian
FancyShark
Brewster cared so much about making a time machine, he neglected his wife. But he's self-aware enough to make light of what's going on
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Like seriously go try to do stand up at an open mic night and you'll be humbled
FancyShark
Absolutely
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Stop saying nickallirium.
I said, replying to a much earlier post.
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Unfortunately some people just think they can try to be funny and it ends up like this
gellaho
Still dealing with this in the third book
gellaho
This for an audience of nerds who only read pulp fantasy and scifi
Which is an audience that does not really exist anymore
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
That's all I read and I hate this.
gellaho
well, if you are here I assume you've been exposed to actually comedy
FancyShark
Even if we weren't a group that loves great comedy, this book would offend those sensibilities
gellaho
And we're back
FancyShark
Just kill him, Hawke
gellaho
Someone in the Star Trek camp didn't pay Hawke
FancyShark
Hey, more proof the publisher didn't read this
gellaho
Assuming this one
FancyShark
Even Picard looks disappointed
gellaho
Listen, Simon Hawke got Star Trek: TOS #69. That's why he's a king
FancyShark
Nice
Brendan Reborn
I don't fault him either of those.
Okay, I'm actually here now. Who are the characters and what is the plot?
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
We don't know
FancyShark
Too many and there isn't one
gellaho
I could also use some
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Hawke self insert is bitching about not getting paid and the other characters are trying to start a business
FancyShark
And a kingdom
gellaho
The simple farming town Brewster crashed in is becoming gentrified and rich, and has decided to secede from the kingdom
Brendan Reborn
I am too forgiving of self-inserts. Grant Morrison ruined me.
FancyShark
This apparently is ruinous to the villain, who has spent the whole time arguing with Hawke
Brendan Reborn
It just makes me love Hawke.
FancyShark
Don't worry. That will change
gellaho
The man wants his check, OK
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Yeah except this self insert is literally him talking to the characters directly
FancyShark
Hawke opened the book bitching about how much he hates writing
gellaho
Oooh, we're at the part I saw ahead of time
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Look we obviously all love Hawke. This one is just tough love
gellaho
Time for some cross promotion
Mr. J Boots
I had something I had to take care of, did I miss anything important?
FancyShark
You did not
gellaho
It's time for the TimeWars cameo!
gellaho
Brendan Reborn
Gotta hand it to this evil sorcerer, who's not only fighting God but arguing with him while he does.
So close to Steeleville
gellaho
I couldn't believe it when I was flipping through and saw this
Mr. J Boots
Is this the most self indulgent book ever written?
gellaho
Not a cameo from his wizard series, but the scifi one
gellaho
I'd still go Peter David's autobiography
Right, @jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
FancyShark
I'm more angry at how he suddenly managed to become an efficient writer by bringing in people from a different series
Heretic Ferroday
I stepped away to make supper and come back to....this
Mr. J Boots
he's writing fan fiction about his own characters?
gellaho
I haven't seen any excerpts from a fart novel, so that remains the worst thing I've seen
FancyShark
This is the first interesting thing that's happened since the start of book one
Brendan Reborn
Ah, Mexicans. Famous for having so many names.
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Yes, that for sure is more self indulgent
gellaho
I'm sure he will keep this promise
Mr. J Boots
autobiographies always strike me as a bit self important.
"Like yeah, everyone will want to hear about my life story from me"
gellaho
Peter David also thinks he's hilarious, and athletic, and the best
FancyShark
And murdered a character named after a childhood bully
Mr. J Boots
I wish I had that level of confidence
Heretic Ferroday
are we watching a man masturbate through narrative device?
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
I do enjoy searching his autobiography for character names to see who in his life wronged him and who he worked with and wanted to fuck
gellaho
Brewster's fiancée is still attempting to reconstruct his time machine
Brendan Reborn
When does Hawke's team of space Marines face the Photon squad?
gellaho
The vast majority of it has been descriptions of economics and nation building
I have skipped it
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Oh my god which one of us is going to have to write Ready Player Hawke?
Heretic Ferroday
so that's a yes, then
Mr. J Boots
oh in his zany fantasy novel about a meta wizard he still managed to include to worst parts of fantasy writing
gellaho
You masturbate weird
Mr. J Boots
was hoping he'd skip that
FancyShark
If we write any fanfic with the Photon squad, it's going to devolve into chapters and chapters of Bhodi Li eating shit
Heretic Ferroday
can't be weirder than this
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
I mean it would really be Book Cage: The Book
FancyShark
I would read the hell out of that
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Bhodi Li and Steele take on the evil network of Psionic soldiers
FancyShark
Bhodi does not survive
He dies in Joe's arms
Mr. J Boots
Im taking bets on whether we think the book cage or the apes will be @gellaho's undoing
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Oh shit yeah Hardy Boys
gellaho
If you wanted your Steele inclusion, here it is
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
VCASS
gellaho
I could only hope for so noble a death
Mr. J Boots
I want to beat Hawke with this book and yell "Write normal stuff"
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Well and the brain computer interface, sure
Mr. J Boots
Hawke can't ever seem to stay focused in his writing, which is maybe the number one thing you would learn in writing school right?
FancyShark
He normally finds a way to turn back around and find the thread again
He managed it in Psychodrome and it was masterful
Mr. J Boots
I miss djonin
Ramb$ne Gracie
This all reminds me: I actually had a ladle full of bacon in a soup I made a week ago
gellaho
Here's some Hardy Boys slenderness
Ramb$ne Gracie
Those hardy boys were right. Ladle bacon is truly edible
Mr. J Boots
I feel like any editor would crumple up this page and eat it
FancyShark
Our only hope is that he still has his .357 magnum
Mr. J Boots
that is awkward as fuck
FancyShark
:save point:
I have to go ambush the mail carrier
gellaho
Hey look, a plot thing
gellaho
You didn't even hear about the 7 foot tall ambulatory shrub
Mr. J Boots
he wrote himself in again?
Brendan Reborn
I BE GROOD
Mr. J Boots
solid burn or awkward reach? you guys decide
gellaho
Teddy brought a Bag of Holding
Heretic Ferroday
wait
cursive runes?
I'm trying to picture this
gellaho
It's best if you don't
We have much worse problems
Mr. J Boots
I've got to say, this is the third best novel written by a home depot employee I've read
Heretic Ferroday
I...fuck off, hawke
Mr. J Boots
I like the magic sword being called "dwarfkabob"
Brendan Reborn
It's kinda racist.
Heretic Ferroday
it's incredible how that's not even the most offensive part of that page
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Yeah that made me lol too
Mr. J Boots
he then spent a paragraph justifying the joke name, which is definitely great writing
gellaho
He's having a hard time, OK
Heretic Ferroday
I would almost forgive this if he were writing this at gunpoint
Mr. J Boots
he is deep into three different kinds of existential crisis writing this
gellaho
Relatable
Brendan Reborn
Maybe Stephen King will show up and these two will team up against an army of walk-ins.
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
"Hey there, George RR. It's Simon from school. Hey listen, I need some advice on writing quicker"
Mr. J Boots
I feel like this novel was written as a result of him realizing he might not be that great at writing
gellaho
You'll never believe how long this goes on for
Mr. J Boots
it's no longer a joke but a cry for help
gellaho
You were saying
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
I kinda love this Hawke stream of consciousness
Heretic Ferroday
Remember, we're currently molesting a troll and grabbing his "dwarfkabob"
gellaho
I'm having a great time
Mr. J Boots
we were, now Hawke is having a mental breakdown at his poor life choices
gellaho
Wizard of 4th Street reference
Heretic Ferroday
if this were funny this could almost be an old cracked column piece
Brendan Reborn
Barbara and Crichton really getting raked over the coals here.
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Fuckin drag them, king
gellaho
Simon Hawke calls a phone sex line
Mr. J Boots
Crichton deserves it
Brendan Reborn
I read Timeline, he can never pay for what he did.
Heretic Ferroday
the novel has officially ground to a halt while Hawke enumerates on his mid-life crisis
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
And it's infinitely more fun to read than the actual novel
Mr. J Boots
were you there when Javo talked about his racist novel?
Brendan Reborn
No.
gellaho
Simon Hawke decides to tell the villain what's going on
Brendan Reborn
Missing a golden opportunity to flip the charges and earn money from the phoneline worker.
Mr. J Boots
oh, he wrote a novel about japan will take over the US, in 1991
Brendan Reborn
people thought Japan was going to buy everything in 1990.
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
The ol' switcheroo
Brendan Reborn
But it turns out math said No.
Mr. J Boots
basically yellow peril round 2
gellaho
But twas a trick!
Mr. J Boots
buddy, this story was off track on page one, good luck getting this shit on some kind of rail
Heretic Ferroday
can I just say that I hate this? he's patting himself on the back for outsmarting a character he wrote to be dumber than himself
Mr. J Boots
feel free to say you hate this as much you want
gellaho
Poetry sword
Mr. J Boots
first off a shaman is not a wizard
gellaho
that is the joke, yes
Heretic Ferroday
that's supposed to be a joke?
gellaho
the whole thing is supposed to be
it's not good, but it's supposed to be
Heretic Ferroday
oh god, you weren't kidding the other day
Brendan Reborn
Maybe he was both, which is why the other wizards found him notable as a shaman.
Mr. J Boots
the joke sort of turned out to be on Hawke if we're honest
Mr. J Boots
what if the guy you're fighting absolutely sucks at sword fighting?
gellaho
Poetry, baby
gellaho
gellaho
Here you go
gellaho
Huzzah
Brendan Reborn
Ho, she hustled him.
gellaho
Yon Chamber pot
gellaho
This is one horny spell book
gellaho
gellaho
There's the preview
Mr. J Boots
the spell of unbelievable orgasms is when you make her cum but nobody believes you
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Hahahaha
Abra cadabra change back
Ok that's funny
Mr. J Boots
magic isn't an exact science
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Tell that to Brandon Sanderson.
Mr. J Boots
Brandon Sanderson is my mortal enemy
gellaho
The New Yorker famously loves time travel conspiracies
gellaho
There's that lip moistening
Mr. J Boots
Gotta keep those lips moist
FancyShark
:load savepoint:
What'd I miss?
gellaho
Simon had a fun break down
Otherwise not much. Have this
FancyShark
bleagh
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Donna
FancyShark
La Donna
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
As in Steeles Donna
FancyShark
Oh
I thought it was a Madonna joke
gellaho
What about a PAC joke
gellaho
FancyShark
uuuuuggggghhhhhhh
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Donna and the "Stealers" guild you say
gellaho
Oh, I love this book
FancyShark
Hawke's right about confidence being sexy
Not sure why that matters in what I'm assuming is a labor dispute
gellaho
I've skipped over a lot of this, but Sandy is the Queen to King Billy. She's meeting with the Underground, who are plotting King Billy's overthrow in Pittsburg
FancyShark
King Billy was the bucket, right?
gellaho
I'm assuming Ferret Phil is some reference I don't know. Maybe it's just alliteration
gellaho
No, he's just a dumbass
Back to logistics
gellaho
Booze tank
FancyShark
So they're still building a kingdom and just ignoring the warlock?
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Children Love the Booze Tank
gellaho
Oh, Simon tricked the Warlock to use the time machine
that was at the end of his breakdown
FancyShark
ohhh, okay
so now the miniscule stakes have been reduced even more
gellaho
Simon helpfully explains now
FancyShark
Any kind of ending would satisfy me at this point, Simon
gellaho
Well, now you've hurt his feelings
FancyShark
As for the rest of that, you should be grateful it didn't happen after either of the first two books
It counts for nothing
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Simon Hawke invented an author having a twitter meltdown in the mid-nineties.
FancyShark
I will apologize for hurting you, Simon, after you apologize for hurting us
gellaho
I'm having a much better time with this one than the first two
gellaho
So many fewer puns
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Yeah I agree
Brendan Reborn
wait the first two are worse?
FancyShark
It's definitely less painful
Brendan Reborn
is this the wizard of 4th street universe?
gellaho
no
FancyShark
Nope. This is supposed to be our world and an alternate reality
Brendan Reborn
Arg(h)
gellaho
Hell yeah, Skid Row
Mr. J Boots
If only djonin was alive to see this
gellaho
Warrick has arrived in our reality
Mr. J Boots
Maybe one day Simon hawke will too
gellaho
Canonically, he's not in our reality
gellaho
For Warrick cannot hear him
FancyShark
He will presumably be shot
gellaho
Magic no worko
gellaho
Pamela's going back in time
Brendan Reborn
Arrogant Wench!
FancyShark
And the world ended.
Brendan Reborn
GOOD
gellaho
I'm enjoying learning about Simon Hawke
gellaho
gellaho
I'm kind of getting the impression he did this out of spite
FancyShark
These books make for a fascinating tantrum
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
I really think he was getting fed up with writing and let it out here
gellaho
I'm also enjoying his disdain for art, that really speaks to me
FancyShark
This seems like a sniper shot at Javo
gellaho
It's a big fuck you
gellaho
@jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator George RR in the house
gellaho
Firmly off the rails
FancyShark
This book is starting to rule
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Yes. YES
I am loving the Javo Jam there too
Hawke isn't pulling punches anymore, baby
FancyShark
Hawke isn't even writing a novel anymore
gellaho
Yeah, not really
Brendan Reborn
He pitched this book as world-building and writing instructional wearing the mask of narrative.
gellaho
This has gotten so weird
FancyShark
hahaha, this is a manifesto
gellaho
That probably would have been a good thing to mention earlier, yes
gellaho
FancyShark
He is giving up as we watch
This is
This is incredible
Brendan Reborn
It's like he forgot the book was due.
Mr. J Boots
Does Simon Hawke not believe in second drafts?
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Editing is for cowards
Grip it and rip it
gellaho
Pamela is this book's official lip moistener
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Hawke is the John Daly of literature
gellaho
None of the author's I've read believe in second drafts
FancyShark
A second draft means you admit weakness
I think @jasondavidwongpargin said that the other day
gellaho
Swiss army knife coming back
FancyShark
They make great presents
gellaho
The Magic of cigarettes
gellaho
Mr. J Boots
Venture bros did a gag like this but it was funny
FancyShark
Martin Lawrence also did a gag like this. It was not funny
gellaho
Topical
FancyShark
This was 96, right?
gellaho
Yes
FancyShark
Barely got that reference in on time
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Almost became irrelevant just as quickly, like a candle in the wind
gellaho
Colin had become a chamber pot
FancyShark
haha, poop
Mr. J Boots
Was it a different chamberpot guy earlier or is this some kind of flashback?
FancyShark
Different one
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Oh no we're in a multi-pot situation now
FancyShark
Hawke sees a lot of mileage in this gag
Mr. J Boots
Guy getting turned into a pot you crap in is not funny enough for an encore
FancyShark
Barely funny enough for a political cartoon
gellaho
Simon Hawke tells continuity to suck it
Mr. J Boots
Do you think being transformed into an inanimate object is painful?
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
I do appreciate his commitment to the "it's magic fuck you" principle of explaining things
Mr. J Boots
I do respect that
gellaho
King Billy seems cool
Mr. J Boots
I also respect he's basically just leveling with the audience that he has no idea what the hells happening either
gellaho
King Billy gets abducted by his wife while playing with his toys
FancyShark
"Frog-marched"?
gellaho
Don't worry about it
gellaho
Simon Hawke muses on the nature of large corporations
FancyShark
Hey, we reached him
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
How much you wanna bet the narrator betrays us in the end
Nobody who says trust me this much is ever worthy of trust
FancyShark
He's fumbled every joke he's attempted in this series
So yeah, he's telegraphing
Or he's being facetious
"Haha, I obviously know what I'm doing!"
gellaho
Hey look, the plot is coming together
Mr. J Boots
The number one joke seems to be "I'm a bad writer ha" but like, at a certain point It always stops being a joke
gellaho
As punishment, Warrick must hear several people's life stories
Brendan Reborn
This makes me long for the simple narrative of the Hardy Boys.
FancyShark
Are we Warrick?
Is that what Hawke is driving at?
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Oh no
The White Tower
Ivory Tower
We're sitting here in the ivory tower
This is not good
gellaho
Promising
gellaho
FancyShark
uh huh
$5 says that was where Simon stopped writing for the night
Brendan Reborn
That or he told the editor he'd get the next chapter in by Tuesday.
gellaho
Simon Hawke is brainstorming the ending
FancyShark
Simon transcripted his mirror talk
gellaho
Suck it, Jessica Fletcher
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
More like Angela Shitbury
Mr. J Boots
Hawke realized he couldn't make this book not suck so he decided to make a joke about the book sucking
Brendan Reborn
he's teaching a writing class, right? He assigns his own book and voila: 100 guaranteed sales every year.
FancyShark
Every disclaimer is longer than the thing it's disclaiming
gellaho
Enter Chamber Pot
FancyShark
Never thought I'd say this, but I'd rather watch Mr. Ed
Mr. J Boots
The fact that this man teaches people how to write
FancyShark
I hope he considers these books a lesson in what not to do
Mr. J Boots
I know I do
Brendan Reborn
My creative writing professor was so bad I bought his book and annotated it MST3K style for my college gf, who was in the class.
Mr. J Boots
Ha
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
So he made you do something creative with his work you say
Maybe he was a great professor after all
Brendan Reborn
Dragging it kicking and screaming into continuity, yeah.
Mr. J Boots
I took all my creative writing classes in high school, maybe I'll take one in college
gellaho
Black Jack caught up with the queen and Pamela. It doesn't go well
FancyShark
Gun solves yet another Hawke puzzle
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
Gun beats knife.
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Game, blouses
gellaho
Then the goth elves show up
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
My Chemical Elfmance
Mr. J Boots
My chemical oh God damn it
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Haha sniped!
Would you say they chimed in with a haven't you people ever heard of closing the god dam door
gellaho
Then Colin gets unchamber potted
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Ok this book rules now
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
I'm pretty sure goth elves would hate the word chemical and only cut themselves with artisanal steel.
Mr. J Boots
Thats panic at the disco
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
No I think they would say this isn't a scene it's a god dam arms race
Mr. J Boots
Fall out boy
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
At this point it's any band from that era in my head, there's no discernment
They're all the exact same band
FancyShark
Goth elf woman is hitting a little too close to some fantasies from high school
Mr. J Boots
Disagree but then I'm not 100
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Haha get rekt, me
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
My favorite one of these songs is teenage dirtbag.
So I'm not sure I'm qualified to judge.
gellaho
So he's been there for a year
FancyShark
"If it's all the same to you, I'd rather go home and watch Frankenstein and ignore you"
gellaho
The canons immediately exploded, so that was a good use of time
Mr. J Boots
What is happening right now?
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
Oh my God Colin is awesome
I know nothing about him other than this but this is enough for me to define him as the best.
gellaho
Here comes the medieval tank
gellaho
He's a tabloid journalist who was briefly a chamber pot
FancyShark
Who are they fighting?
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
Oh.
gellaho
And here comes the medieval motorcycles
Mr. J Boots
The black parade
gellaho
They seceded from the kingdom
Mr. J Boots
This is the worst fantasy novel Ive ever read
FancyShark
Don't read Xanth
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
I mean you can run an engine on alcohol
But it is literally the worst way to go about it
gellaho
The goth elves
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
...
gellaho
And the sentient bushes
gellaho
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
They just published anyone back then, huh.
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Thorny is a cute name for a bush though
FancyShark
Why would someone think it was a scene from Macbeth?
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
Moving trees
FancyShark
oh
that tracks
Mr. J Boots
They are ready for a firefight
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
Not quite where I'd immediately go if I saw this.
gellaho
And the dwarves
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
But it's on the list.
No
Mr. J Boots
But the devil's got their number tonight
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
No
Nooooooooooo
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
I think that's the Baltimore Ravens fight song too
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
My name is Simon and I'm here to say/I know about rap in a major way
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
I'm kind of impressed, by the way now I feel like I would have given up on this book
But he's still going.
gellaho
Simon is back to brainstorming
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
Good work, Simon.
You ignored the little voice saying maybe don't write this.
FancyShark
Hawke, what are you doing
Mr. J Boots
Now they're looking out tonight from desolation row
FancyShark
Don't put this on us
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
In my ending, everyone grows tits.
gellaho
Ending #1
gellaho
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
Unless they already had tits.
Brendan Reborn
He's really going to put the gauntlet on me and tell me to wish none of this happened?
FancyShark
DAMMIT HAWKE YOU FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED!
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
... Did
Did he seriously do that
I thought it was a bit.
gellaho
Ending #2
FancyShark
He did
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
I thought that.
Mr. J Boots
Is he doing the clue thing
FancyShark
Yeah
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
I
Wow.
FancyShark
@jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator , you called it. We're being betrayed
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
This is Brockway level betrayal.
FancyShark
Technically this whole trilogy has been a betrayal
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
It was always going to be this way
gellaho
I am enjoying this immensely
gellaho
Look, I'm sure management will solve this
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Yes. Yes!
FancyShark
"Write something good instead"
"Maybe a story about a cyborg with a human penis"
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
I am struggling to understand how this even exists.
gellaho
The fine people at Warner Books have this
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
Maybe I died.
FancyShark
We've been puzzling over that the whole time too
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
At this point it's like the game within the game within the mothafuckin game
gellaho
And their buyout by a fictional company
FancyShark
This is so insane I'm amazed there isn't a hotdog article about it
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Hahahaha amazing
The wizard wins in the end after all!
FancyShark
👏
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
Good.
gellaho
Simon is really mad he didn't get paid for that Star Trek book
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
I would watch that show
FancyShark
Son of a bitch
He did it
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
Why is that not a thing?
gellaho
A letter from Warner Books
FancyShark
hahahahahaha
HE DID IT!
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
...
Brendan Reborn
Maybe WE were the book, and the book was a spell reading US.
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
Huh.
FancyShark
Guys, I...I think he stuck the landing
gellaho
Arizona = crazy, makes sense
gellaho
Simon's elaborate prank continues
FancyShark
This was the worst series I've ever seen, and he actually made me enjoy the ending
Mother. Fucker.
gellaho
And Warrick emerges victorious
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Hawke then wrote 3 more books and retired
….or did he?
gellaho
He has a gift
gellaho
The End
Brendan Reborn
Sounds nice.
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
Okay then.
Brendan Reborn
We need fantasy art of Hawke, and that art needs to go on a van before Tuesday.
We made it!
Thank you to our host.
FancyShark
We did it!
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
Nicholas Valentin Yermakov. His birth name was Nicholas Valentin Yermakov.
FancyShark
Thank you, always and again, @gellaho
This was a fucking ride
Brendan Reborn
The real van mural hero here.
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Oh yes. In this channel right now I would guess we have at least 3 or 4 of the worlds experts on Simon Hawke
Slash Nick Yermakov/JD Masters
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
I have somehow never heard of this man before.
Brendan Reborn
Good party and good night, you princes of Pittsburgh.
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
Or did I, and deliberately forget.
FancyShark
Standing on the shoulders of Apes. Hoping they don't look up
gellaho
We have defeated The Ambivalent Magician and therefore, the Reluctant Sorcerer series
