Time Blender Michael Dorn (with Hillary Hemmingway and Jeffrey P. Lindsay)

Samurai warriors battle Egyptian gods on the Island of No-Return!

Archive

gellaho
Ah, the vanity project. Where a celebrity attempts to show off their creative chops by undertaking something all on their own. I'm not sure why I was talking about that. In what is surely completely unrelated news, this week we are going to be reading A Novel by Star Trek's Own MICHAEL DORN: Time Blender. As the tagline says, "Samurai warriors battle Egyptian gods on the Island of No-Return!" Whatever that means. If you wanted to know what else Star Trek's Worf's book could possibly be about, join me this Friday, 5pm eastern. This is a big one, so I'm sure this will end up taking multiple readings of Star Trek's Michael Dorn of Star Trek's novel.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway pin this, or face a million-year volcano horror
FancyShark
Nothing says science like "throw yourself at the anomaly"
gellaho
One thing I have learned already is that holographic covers do not like scanners
Ozzie
Written entirely under the influence of prosthetic forehead glue fumes.
FlippantSausage
And prune juice!
gellaho
Possibly. Or mostly written by these other two
Game Dweeb Thrillho
Three authors? Illogical
Relax the back, cultivate Javo
This book needed two ghost writers lol
Game Dweeb Thrillho
Even her famous ancestor could only get her a writing credit on a Michael Dorn novel
gellaho
If you were wondering, that is an actual Hemingway
FlippantSausage
Man imagine the life of a Hemingway niece.
Relax the back, cultivate Javo
Guess that solves nature vs nurture
FlippantSausage
The FBI pissing in your mailbox.
Game Dweeb Thrillho
More like The Old Man and the C Grade Book
FancyShark
"Before you ask, no, she didn't get the gun."
FlippantSausage
"Writing desk, never used"
gellaho
A little over an hour until we read TV's Star Trek's Michael Dorn's TIME BLENDER by Michael Dorn of Star Trek, aka Worf.
Here's your preview, FUCKER. I mean, FLICKER
FancyShark
FLICKER!
Wait until Miller finds out he just had oregano
LyraV 42Dukes
My head is already spinning.
FancyShark
"Buy some fuckering lights"
LyraV 42Dukes
I kept reading 'Miller' as 'Michael' and just envisioning Michael Dorn.
FancyShark
"I'm an actor. Why is this happening?"
gellaho
I'm sure that's completely coincidental. He certainly doesn't want you to see this and think Michael Dorn. This cool character is the totally original "Tony Miller"
gellaho
And surely him mentioning that he's a licensed pilot is completely unrelated
LyraV 42Dukes
Haha I was thinking it felt like when you write your first story and make the main character yourself basically but decided that was being too mean.
FancyShark
"Flying lessons available on request, ladies"
gellaho
"I am an active participant in many sports. Don't ask for any specifics"
He also counts his cameo in Undiscovered Country as "costarring"
LyraV 42Dukes
Wait so this is after First Contact, what year is this book from?
FancyShark
Gotta be mid to late 90s
gellaho
1997
LyraV 42Dukes
That's awesome, I'm so excited for this one.
Djonin Djosarec
I thought the savage avengers was that one where ghost rider rode a mammoth
Ozzie
That's Avengers 1,000,000 BC
Savage Avengers is Marvel realizing that there's no legal reason Conan the Barbarian can't be an Avenger, only taste and sanity and logic reasons.
FancyShark
All of which Conan shuns as wizardry
I think Conan and Ghost Rider would be a fun team-up. Wheel Idiot traveling with Idiot on Wheels
gellaho
Let's Blend, baby
gellaho
Shout out to the Hemingway clan
FancyShark
Hi, @LyraV 42Dukes !
Hi, @gellaho !
gellaho
I hope you were expecting cliff Tai Chi
LyraV 42Dukes
Please let it be nude Tai Chi.
FancyShark
Surprisingly graceful
gellaho
I hope you were expecting the coolest, smartest guy around
gellaho
I feel like the "black" is a little weirdly placed in that list of adjectives, but whatever
LyraV 42Dukes
Pushed out visions of head prosthetics, forcefully. They did not exist here.
FancyShark
"He was a tenured professor, but not a man who gave up"
Apparently tenure is normally for quitters
gellaho
Only Tai Chi could help Michael Tony sleep
FancyShark
I feel like I've had to listen to this guy whenever I mistakenly made eye contact at the gym or a coffee shop
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Manly mans find therapy very uncomfortable.
gellaho
But, he's a cool guy with a dark past that he can brood about
LyraV 42Dukes
VERY definitely
FancyShark
"Those children, all looking at him. Him, frozen, wracking his mind for the sound a duck makes."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The faces of the children were all the child actors who played worf's son.
Hard Ticket to Ferroday
you'll know it's a michael dorn self-insert if he's also vegan
gellaho
You know, that thing that actual humans do
gellaho
FancyShark
I too enjoy the feeling of being ready for work
gellaho
Karate reflex
FancyShark
Be careful. He's tenured!
gellaho
So, I have read the first 50 pages of this book. It's important to note that these are the only two people on this island
LyraV 42Dukes
I feel like he greets everyone this way
FancyShark
And he still reacts like that?
lol, scooped
gellaho
Meet ninja professor
FancyShark
Ninja Botanist: This Fall, on CBS
gellaho
Master of martial arts and deadbeat
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The art of invisibility allows him to get right up close to the plant fossils.
FancyShark
Wado karate: you almost can't find it
I'm glad Cook has managed to be bitter about his family in between martial arts training
gellaho
Poor Jerry is really going to be an afterthought
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Maybe your marriage would have gone better if you didn't spend all your time failing to commit to karate.
FancyShark
Miller's planning an abduction
gellaho
I'm sure marriage could work if you spend three months at a time alone on an island with a man
FancyShark
Those water lilies are slave-drivers
gellaho
Tony seems like a hoot
LyraV 42Dukes
This guy sounds like a real treat.
FancyShark
"And why are you holding that knife?"
LyraV 42Dukes
'I'm hiding my jealousy and contempt like a good friend!'
gellaho
History is fun on Fake Easter Island
FancyShark
"Named Miller and Cook"
I want to know what computer model tells someone "cannibals"
That's not a basic template
gellaho
Sustainability is hard
gellaho
Look, the Oregon Trail simulations must be correct
FancyShark
Annihilating all the fish?!
gellaho
Don't question the science
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
These islanders seem really bad at living on an island.
gellaho
This was an actor on Star Trek and two ghostwriters. I'm sure they know what they're talking about
LyraV 42Dukes
I'm starting to think Michael Dorn doesn't understand what a buddy is.
gellaho
I'M SO RUGGEDLY HANDSOME AND TORTURED
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
What would a hemmigway know about fishing, anyway?
LyraV 42Dukes
All those people he randomly ate.
FancyShark
Human teeth marks clearly visible, but it still took them three and a half months to decide it was cannibals
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Miller is hoping no one compares those bite marks with his dental records
Or notices how recent they are
LyraV 42Dukes
and a simulation
gellaho
"Look at you doing science work, like some kind of nerd"
FancyShark
"You have something more interesting, Only Other Person on the Island?"
gellaho
I HATE STUDENTS
FancyShark
Oh yeah, wouldn't want to get lectured about being politically incorrect when researching a cannibal island
gellaho
This educational bitching triggers his PTSD
FancyShark
Oh good. I'm sure this'll be tastefully done
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He's leading an attack group in a stealth bomber?
gellaho
DAMN YOU, SADDAM!
FancyShark
Or, hear me out on this, Miller: you were a bad shot
How the hell did he see kids' faces at that distance?
LyraV 42Dukes
This peek into the mind of Dorn (plus others) is fantastic. Cannibals and Saddam. Fuck yeah.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They even put a sign on the communication center that said 'orphanage', that tricky Saddam.
gellaho
DAMN YOU, ALL-SEEING U.S. INTELLIGENCE! MAYBE!
FancyShark
This guy seems like he shouldn't have been cleared for a mission where innocents might die
gellaho
The Air Force could not hold him, only Lady History
FancyShark
History, where there was no record of the US killing innocent children
LyraV 42Dukes
Everthing Miller does is drenched in awesomeness.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I'm hoping that hyphenated bit doesn't end with -st.
gellaho
Hmm, what's that on the horizon?
FancyShark
He better get a computer model going
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Should've taken advantage of all those amphetamines the air force was giving out.
gellaho
Tsunami, baby
FancyShark
Sure. Those things do tend to just sneak up on you
LyraV 42Dukes
He briefly considered letting the Coast Guard hold him but knew it was futile.
gellaho
So, that was Chapter 1
gellaho
Do you see why I said this would be in multiple parts?
FancyShark
oh yeah
This is something to savor
And it's loaded with madness
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This is dense in riffable moments.
FancyShark
Where are @Brendanonymous and @FlippantSausage ? They're missing out
gellaho
So, Cook ate shit in a mass grave. That I guess the two of them dug up by themselves?
FancyShark
Doofus
Now who's going to make dinner?
gellaho
The exact coordinates are helpful though
FancyShark
NOT THE COFFEE CUP! WWWWHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY!?
LyraV 42Dukes
It will take Miller a week to figure out what happened here.
FancyShark
"Hmmm, maybe...cannibals?"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He has to do some Tai chi about it.
gellaho
Miller: also medical expert
FancyShark
"Damn, he's alive. That makes this less convenient."
Miller wanted to yeet the body out of the pit
LyraV 42Dukes
They were four soft hours out but no one uses those anymore.
gellaho
Tango time
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Hard men count time in hard hours.
FancyShark
I mean, it kind of matters what his pulse is doing...
gellaho
Miller: scientific expert, but not sure why the seismograph would be going crazy during a tsunami
gellaho
Miller believes tsunamis are caused by the wrath of Poseidon
FancyShark
Tsunami's back at the beach, too shy to ask if it can make landfall
gellaho
"Oh, shit. I guess this tsunami is serious"
FancyShark
"My watercolors!" he exclaimed, dropping Cook's body.
gellaho
"If the seismograph wasn't doing this, I wouldn't have moved so fast"
God Cook
FancyShark
Yep, just sling the fall victim over your shoulder like a sack of grain
LyraV 42Dukes
I don't want to think about Miller adjusting the load, thank you.
gellaho
Miller knew how long it took to run to the plane. For some reason
FancyShark
Cook's head is lolling around like a tetherball
LyraV 42Dukes
I bet his jaw's unclenched now.
gellaho
All that precious cannibal research
FancyShark
At least they didn't do something stupid like leave all the dig sites unprotected from the elements
gellaho
Nevermind how the computers with their computer disks were getting power on this remote island inhabited by two people
LyraV 42Dukes
I just assumed his seismograph was powered by tai chi.
gellaho
You can rent a seaplane for three months?
FancyShark
You can, but the final bill is a bitch
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He's got cook's spinal fluid all over the seat. He's not getting his deposit back.
gellaho
Warp speed, Lt. Worf
FancyShark
Lucky thing airplane fuel doesn't go bad
"Never seen anything like the greasy sea, except grease"
gellaho
Bold plan
FancyShark
Wooo!
This feels like a monster truck promo
gellaho
It was tall, like some kind of tall thing. And fast, like something fast.
LyraV 42Dukes
It was big is what he's trying to say.
FancyShark
"We're going to fix that last line, right?"
"Shut up, Dorn."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Quick, more metaphors!
gellaho
Beyond the limits of rented aircraft
FancyShark
Miller silently curses turning down the Anti-Tsunami package
gellaho
Dorn with the well-known "can hit with types of ball" measure of distance
gellaho
Baseball to basketball
FancyShark
Sports ball distances, like any non-nerd can measure
gellaho
To bowling ball
LyraV 42Dukes
Dorn is a patron of a great many 'Sports Activities' he would know.
FancyShark
"What's that, nerds? You don't know how far that is? Well, a sports would know. Too bad you don't sports."
gellaho
Whew, just in time
LyraV 42Dukes
I love the idea that all you can think about as your plane goes down are ball distances.
FancyShark
In a fit of hubris, Miller steers the plane back into the tsunami's path to give it another chance
gellaho
"Well, actually, bowling balls (unlike baseballs and basketballs), have no standardized weight" πŸ€“
LyraV 42Dukes
He'll have to do so many hours of tai-chi to get over all this.
gellaho
I'm surprised you aren't literally surfing this wave if you are that close
FancyShark
That's for the sequel. It's called "character growth"
LyraV 42Dukes
'Tumbling hell of unimaginable power' does sound legit.
gellaho
It's a good thing there were no tourists at this obvious tourist site
gellaho
I guess Easter Island just has better marketing
FancyShark
And a tsunami machine
gellaho
They got that lucrative Jesus license
Time to party in Tahiti
FancyShark
He looks over at Cook's torso, which is looking much better after all the damaged bits fell off
gellaho
That is surprising for the victim of massive head trauma
FancyShark
Cook turns to him. "I still hate my son."
gellaho
Two coughs, whatever. Three coughs, now you've got something
gellaho
And that something is fucking madness
FancyShark
"What a dickhead," he thought
LyraV 42Dukes
He felt a normal amount of contempt and jealousy for his friend as he went through it all.
gellaho
Cook is having a great day
FancyShark
"How would you rate your pain and existential horror?"
gellaho
Let's get weird
FancyShark
This is where the tenure really comes into play.
LyraV 42Dukes
I just hope he clears up whether or not it's Cook. I'm still not sure.
gellaho
Jesus fuck, indeed
FancyShark
How dare this book start to get good
gellaho
What a fun day Cook is having
FancyShark
You'd think his ninjitsu training would have covered demonic possession
gellaho
Real-time Hunger is my fast food restaurant for nerds
FancyShark
Crafty Cook was my favorite muppet
gellaho
Tony's pilot's instincts immediately sent him into PTSD shock
FancyShark
Stunned into incoherence is a bit much for responding to a head trauma victim acting weird
gellaho
It's definitely not weird for him to be completely calm in this situation
FancyShark
He's never heard of actors
LyraV 42Dukes
There were no explanations except for the several I've alreadly thought of.
gellaho
Dorn's entry for the "most complicated way to explain velocity" contest
FancyShark
Miller weighs the pros and cons of punching the space nerd
gellaho
"I'm more worried about the health of the plane than yours"
gellaho
Might as well be a storm now, sure
FancyShark
Oh no! The tsunami! It's got our scent!
gellaho
No homo, OK?
FancyShark
Miller's kicking himself for flying during storm migration season
Michael, you told us how hot Miller was at the start of the book. Don't play coy now.
gellaho
I wonder which of the authors is the polka fan
FancyShark
Joy is anathema to a man with a wife and child
gellaho
You should probably forget about Jerry
FancyShark
Well, his father already has
gellaho
And buckle in for mysterious dialog about controlling the weather
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Forgetting about sons is kind of a thing with Michael Dorn's characters.
gellaho
Alexander is fine, I'm sure
Djonin Djosarec
Im catching up to this story still, but how the fuck you write an approaching tsunami and leave out the most important thing that you observe to notice an approaching tsunami?
gellaho
Raise nonsense shields, Mr. Worf
Djonin Djosarec
When a tsunami approaches, the ocean recedes back hella far
It's the most startling warning of an approaching wave, when the ocean goes away
gellaho
He was too busy doing Tai Chi, duh
Djonin Djosarec
Duh.
gellaho
Superior mentation
Djonin Djosarec
Im starting to think Star Trek writers don't get out and see the world much
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Definitely a real word.
gellaho
Whee, indeed
FancyShark
Cook better be possessed by a giant insect or this manner of speaking is going to come off really stupid
gellaho
Don't you hate it when that happens?
FancyShark
<sad trombone>
Miller silently curses not springing for the "no stalling" rental package
gellaho
That was close
John
It almost comes off like Dorn is making fun of Brent Spiner in a very insider-joke type of way.
FancyShark
Hi, @John !
gellaho
What a lucky break
John
Hey @FancyShark. Been a while since I made it to one of these
FancyShark
Also forgot to say, Hi @Djonin Djosarec !
And forgot to say hi to you too, @Shark Puke Fetishist GDC !
FancyShark
Frank Dixon frantically taking notes
gellaho
Crazy book progress update
gellaho
This is going to be a fucking project
FancyShark
Is this the densest amount of jokes-per-page we've had yet?
LyraV 42Dukes
I love it so much
John
Bad Rap might still be the winner of that category, but this is good.
gellaho
You know how you constantly switch baseball caps
FancyShark
Miller doesn't believe in consulting people that might be monitoring the weather
gellaho
Volcano time
Djonin Djosarec
Yet another mangled sports metaphor from the dork team
John
Radio? No, I'm an expert pilot and former USAF bomber. I'd have heard of one of those.
Djonin Djosarec
Wait does this asshole think smoke just steadily comes out of active volcanoes?
gellaho
I'm going to have a hard time not showing all this alien dialog
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That's what makes them active.
gellaho
These three assholes
FancyShark
Spent almost four months near a volcano and never investigated it
Djonin Djosarec
[suppressed Ring of Fire resident sounds]
FancyShark
Don't worry. He's tenured. He knows what he's doing.
gellaho
"Hey, Cook, I know you need immediate medical attention, but do you mind if I investigate this volcano?"
gellaho
Shit
Excuse me, "Aw, shit"
FancyShark
Miller's sidequesting
Djonin Djosarec
Fuck. Don't fly over volcanoes. What are you doing
gellaho
Cook attempts a bold solution
Djonin Djosarec
If there's ash coming out, even fine ash, it's going to strip your fuselage apart and jam your engines
FancyShark
Cook farted and doesn't want Miller to know
gellaho
The fuck does this mean
Djonin Djosarec
A plane literally nearly crashed by Tahiti in real life thanks to flying over a volcano
John
Guys, I don't want to be a dick, but I don't think this book is very well written.
FancyShark
Was that supposed to be "I hope you know what you're doing" in moonspeak?
LyraV 42Dukes
Miller can't be held by your 'rules'
gellaho
They land and Miller still doesn't understand his friend is possessed
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It's great that the author put the fact that he is a pilot in his bio.
gellaho
And an active participant in many sports
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That explains how he knows how far balls can be thrown
John
He's like Rain Man when it comes to how far you can throw a ball in any sport.
FUCK!
FancyShark
I wonder how they would have handled the tsunami if Dorn was an avid power walker
gellaho
Time for some product placement
gellaho
Trying to tie this to reality will not help you very soon
FancyShark
"He appreciated their construction, durability and reasonable price"
LyraV 42Dukes
Expedition shorts is definitely what you call them too.
Djonin Djosarec
Dork drawers
gellaho
"I know you were dead in a pit one hour ago, but I am relaxed"
Djonin Djosarec
Weenie waders
FancyShark
"Broken necks are, like, a state of mind, man"
gellaho
Sorry, @FancyShark
FancyShark
aw man
gellaho
I think the only sharks you've gotten to see have been in an asteroid during Psychodrome
because you missed the Hardy Boys one
Djonin Djosarec
This is starting to feel like an AI dungeon story with how much the tone shifts.
FancyShark
They were fighting ninjas, though. That makes up for a lot.
And sharks aren't normally stupid enough to neglect someone with a broken neck
gellaho
Miller's genius scientific mind is baffled by his brain-addled friend forgetting how to swim
Djonin Djosarec
Swem
FancyShark
Hospital in Tahiti is amazed at how few patients they have and the surplus of medical supplies in stock
gellaho
"I believe in you, my dead friend who talks like an alien visitor"
Djonin Djosarec
This uh… this feels like a very cringey segment of a bad Star Trek episode's B plot. Like this is happening concurrently with Picard trying to figure out where the hell they are.
FancyShark
Miller's really taking his time revealing that all their research is gone
LyraV 42Dukes
Through his strong powerful belt loops
gellaho
"Miller wondered if there might be something wrong with Cook"
FancyShark
Miller considers that Cook might be doing a bit before remembering Cook doesn't commit to anything
gellaho
And yes, that does say "breath the water" instead of "breathe the water"
Three authors is not enough
Djonin Djosarec
That's some good editing there, Lou
gellaho
Musky Bing Bong
FancyShark
The tsunami is hiding behind a rock, waiting for Miller to let his guard down
Djonin Djosarec
@Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie ???
gellaho
Miller takes some time to burn Club Med
FancyShark
Bet you wish you'd gotten Mr. Dorn a clean fork now, don't you, Club Med?
gellaho
The fuck does this mean, Dorn
gellaho
or this
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He's pretty much over the whole child-centric PTSD by now.
FancyShark
"We have to leave!"
Now feed that through Google Translate until it's indecipherable
gellaho
Aliens have never encountered plants
gellaho
I guess
FancyShark
Are they on the volcanic island or a different one?
gellaho
I'm surrounded by Ecck
FancyShark
If they haven't covered substantial distance, that lost civilization resorted to cannibalism a bit too easily
gellaho
They landed the pontoon boat on a lagoon of the volcano island
Trust me, it's about to get weirder
Filty
gellaho
"Filty"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Man, that would have been caught by a spell check
FancyShark
wait, how can they find anything to eat if that civilization resorted to cannibalism because they'd depleted all sources of food?
gellaho
"You hear that!? You're all shit!"
gellaho
Well, they didn't have rented seaplanes
FancyShark
lol, of course. My mistake
gellaho
Miller immediately resorts to idol worship
gellaho
Because I guess he also hasn't heard of Easter Island
FancyShark
I'm starting to think Miller's degree might have been written in crayon
gellaho
I'm also very challenged by representations of the human form. Because I'm three years old
FancyShark
"What you looking at? Huh?"
LyraV 42Dukes
Please let Michael Dorn have flown to Easter Island and returned inspired to write this.
gellaho
Next stop, buried Japanese submarine
FancyShark
Those famous Japanese subs that backed up into the mud
gellaho
Miller has exhausted the two possibilities, Cargo Cult or rich eccentric
LyraV 42Dukes
Maybe if he had three months and several simulations he could come up with Something.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He briefly considered a sudden, rapid change in sea level, but dismissed it as implausible.
gellaho
He takes it as a personal insult
FancyShark
Meanwhile, Cthluhu is watching from a short distance away, a book tucked under one arm and a folding chair under the other, unsure if he should say something
gellaho
Let's see, what could be next?
gellaho
Aliens, duh
gellaho
Densely packed
FancyShark
It reads "Battlestar Galactica"
gellaho
Miller needs at least fifty more weird things to happen before he believes that Cook isn't Cook
gellaho
The problem with DNA is that it wasn't densely packed enough
gellaho
You gotta triple that storage capacity, baby
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
HD-DNA
LyraV 42Dukes
He could tell what the letters would someday become? What the fuck Dorn?
gellaho
Miller understood this, being a weird black project himself
FancyShark
Miller's trying to pretend he understands this stuff even though there's no one to prove it to
His own experience of killing children instead of Saddam
gellaho
Mylar, the most advanced of our balloon technologies
FancyShark
His body temperature is drained. So, he's dead, right?
LyraV 42Dukes
Feeling that neutral coolness.
gellaho
It's definitely a product of Hollyweird
FancyShark
Dorn ran out of airplanes and Sports, so back to what he knows best
gellaho
In addition to Air Force specialist, archeological doctorate, martial arts expert, also a Hollywood consultant
FancyShark
Oh, so he has heard of actors
gellaho
Good to see spaceships operate under ADT rules
gellaho
Herenow logic absent
FancyShark
Unknown technology, so lets push buttons at random
Djonin Djosarec
Oh hey apparently this is a real thing
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triple-stranded_DNA
FancyShark
huh, crazy
gellaho
Sounds like dumb-shit-crap to me
gellaho
And yes, Tony Miller can recognize all languages
What of it?
Light can only come from tubes, right?
Djonin Djosarec
Blaaaaaaaat
FancyShark
I do need to pick up some spare light tubes
LyraV 42Dukes
There's definitely not a sheep on board.
FancyShark
I like the idea that the door is farting at them the whole time this is happening
gellaho
You got this, Tony
gellaho
FancyShark
So close, yet so far
gellaho
Djonin Djosarec
This is remarkably dumber than I was expecting
And I was expecting a pretty dumb book
FancyShark
Right? It's amazing
gellaho
The pilot instinct, built into all creatures
FancyShark
Yep. It's that ol' pilot instinct that makes a man see a stick and want to give it a good, firm grab
gellaho
Note to authors: not quintessential, just essential. If it's necessary, it's essential
gellaho
That's what I told my therapist anyway
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
not even triessential or quadessential
Djonin Djosarec
I expected an action archaeologist traveling through space time and banging alien babes. I didn't expect an annoying alien to talk like he was in a children's space man movie while a sexy ex soldier from a different genre was arbitrarily skeptical
FancyShark
That doesn't sound like a complaint though
gellaho
At least it's three S's, and not the SS
gellaho
So beats out Peter David so far
FancyShark
<phew>
Djonin Djosarec
Oh no. I want Dorn to clock Cook on the head
Like, hard.
Also his name is just Dorn, not Miller
FancyShark
I'm holding out hope Cook will tear his own face off and reveal a chitinous set of fangs
LyraV 42Dukes
Miller waffles between being an abject genuis at everything and still being unsure of if he's on a movie set.
gellaho
Interesting metaphor, Dorn
Djonin Djosarec
Dorn. He's a fucking alien.
FancyShark
Don't you bring The Gods Must Be Crazy into this
gellaho
Two Tai Chi breaths
gellaho
~~Dorn~~ Tony strong and smart
LyraV 42Dukes
Dorn writes like he fucks, densely and with much inaccuracy.
FancyShark
"Lucky break you aren't a quadriplegic"
gellaho
Dorn's entry in the "most awkward way to phrase 'looked at'"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That is a difficult sentance to parse.
FancyShark
Off Cook's left shoulder?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
like, his face fell off and landed there?
gellaho
Cook has been possessed by Goldblum
FancyShark
Okay, I'm onboard for that development
gellaho
See, my mechanic said my car needed a replacement Chaos Regulator and my dad called me an idiot for listening
FancyShark
"Honestly, unsure why transporting chaos device expected to go without issue"
gellaho
Ooh, a native village. I'm sure this will go well
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Must have missed all that from the plane
FancyShark
Please be christmas elves. Please be christmas elves.
gellaho
Seems like this would be hard to miss
gellaho
Shit was crazy before satellite imaging I guess
FancyShark
Some buildings made from lost aircraft carriers, some made from leaves
gellaho
Hey, look, Peter David showed up anyway
FancyShark
WW2 must be part of an entrance exam for writing these books
Or a password
gellaho
Uh oh
FancyShark
oh no
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This doesn't inspire confidence
gellaho
Hotness! Breaking! Liberal! Walls! Too! Horny!
FancyShark
I love it when a woman wears breasts
LyraV 42Dukes
Not all tenured professors
gellaho
It's a bold fashion choice for any occasion
I think Miller might be looking for some confrontation
FancyShark
He wants to show her his Prime Directive
sorry, that sounded bad even as I wrote it
Maybe they'll get lucky and this village will have a trauma ward where Cook can get his injuries looked at
LyraV 42Dukes
Cook is for sure dead.
gellaho
I agree with Cook
FancyShark
I hope the lady's a Siren
gellaho
I don't know what impolitic means, but the rest of it works
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Irrational States of Rut sounds like a good name for... Something
gellaho
Miller's getting a scientific ass shot
FancyShark
Walks up to her. 'Okay, play it cool.'
"YOU MAKE SEX ME?"
gellaho
I'm not sure how three people can simultaneously write a sexual fantasy, but here we are
FancyShark
Polynesian slut shaming, courtesy Michael Dorn
LyraV 42Dukes
Women love when you stare at them with full erections without speaking.
Especially if you've just met.
FancyShark
It's my favorite ice breaker
Djonin Djosarec
Michael Dorn never struck me as a 90s anti PC guy.
Dang
gellaho
The god-face toilet seat. A necessity for all homes
FancyShark
Yeah, he always seemed chill
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Maybe that was the part Hemmigway wrote.
FancyShark
I don't feel okay unless I'm shitting on a god
gellaho
There are three people writing this, I'm not sure how much to put on who
FancyShark
That must be their strategy
gellaho
But I'll put it all on Dorn, because he put his (and only his) name on the cover
LyraV 42Dukes
I don't understand what you mean, he clearly stated that he is normally a very PC person but this chick is just so fucking hot.
gellaho
And this is the vanitiest vanity project that ever vanitied
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Michael dorn wrote the parts where he is describing himself.
gellaho
HISTORICAL PILLOWS
FancyShark
"Few minutes"? Kind of a self-own there, Dorn
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I'm sure upholstery lasts for ages in a tropical, volcanic climate
gellaho
His professorial nature took over. Then his boner
FancyShark
She better be one of those Japanese spider demon ladies
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Look who's suddenly all concerned about the prime directive
gellaho
Cook sat outside talking about dirt excrement and chlorophyll remains while Miller got his rocks off
FancyShark
"I have syphilis"
LyraV 42Dukes
"Please stop staring at my breasts, we literally just met"
gellaho
Yuki turned Tony into a five syllable name
FancyShark
C'mon, spider demon. C'mon
gellaho
This is Tony Miller's first erection
FancyShark
"Hmm. Fascinating."
gellaho
"What is this powerful sexual attraction? Is this my Pon Farr?"
Jesus Christ, Tony
gellaho
Is Tony 14?
FancyShark
Our hero, too horny to listen to the warning about being a human sacrifice
gellaho
Because there's no other explanation for this amount of horny energy
Tony's boner turns toward this new, male entrant
FancyShark
"Oh, okay. Threeway"
LyraV 42Dukes
He senses where the throttle is and reaches for it with his pilots instincts.
FancyShark
Great job on lookout, Cook
gellaho
"Nose-to-nose, Tony resisted a make-out contest to prove who should have sex with Yuki"
FancyShark
Dance off
DANCE OFF!
gellaho
Coitus interruptus
FancyShark
Pirate didn't finish filling his charge bar
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That must have been a very expressive point.
gellaho
Hope you were ready for signs of incest. Because I guess why not
FlippantSausage
Ohhhh nooooooooo its Pitcairn Island all over again!
FancyShark
"I tried. She's married."
gellaho
Why aren't there more Irish shipwreck survivors on this remote island!?
gellaho
Huh!? I ask you!?
Where are all the blue-eyed redheads?
You know, that common combination!
FancyShark
He's actually in Hong Kong. These are just some homeless people
gellaho
A region carrying a common ethnicity is a sign of interbreeding, right?
FlippantSausage
Miller is a two fisted......something or other not a geneticist!
gellaho
not like a normal thing?
it's gotta be incest
FlippantSausage
I think he just WANTs it to be incest, he been hitting that Game of Thrones porn hard.
FancyShark
Sure. You see more than two people of the same ethnicity, they're probably fucking their siblings
gellaho
Why does the black man know more about Polynesian culture than most?
gellaho
I mean, I'm not crazy, that's a weird thing to say, right?
FancyShark
I guess Pirate is the dude's actual name. Like Waiter, or Bellhop
No, you're right. It's weird
FlippantSausage
I was wondering why they capitalized it.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He keeps jumping to the weirdest conclusions.
FlippantSausage
And yeah. its weird.
gellaho
OK, well, forget about all that
LyraV 42Dukes
then reassuring himself they make perfect sense
gellaho
Because there's an old woman with a machine gun cane
FancyShark
Fucking finally!
Also a dick kilt
A dick dress
gellaho
That's not how language works
FlippantSausage
DICK WITCH!
This is looking up!
Brendanonymous
Oh darn it's Friday isn't it
gellaho
That is how time works
LyraV 42Dukes
Hello @Brendanonymous this book is fucking fantastic
gellaho
And apprently the three people writing this book have never heard of false cognates
Or, false almost-sort of-near cognates
FancyShark
@Brendanonymous , get in here! You're missing out!
gellaho
Because Bakadoa is not that close to Matatoa
That's kind of like saying "bread" is close to "dead"
FancyShark
I like that the lady walked up to the group of warriors and basically said "Fighter?" No questioning who he is or how he arrived
FancyShark
It is if you have Celiac's Disease
FlippantSausage
The dick witch also only speaks in one word sentences.
gellaho
Sure whatever
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Don't worry about your dick
FlippantSausage
That is a wild assumption to make off one word.
gellaho
You know what they say, "if you can't eat bread, you might as well be dead"
FancyShark
This message brought to you by Sara Lee
FlippantSausage
Like Japanese has some single words for very complex things, Bakadoa could mean "Cut off his dick first, it's probably sweet."
gellaho
Sounds like a pretty shitty cell.
gellaho
Also, I guess he's in a cell
FancyShark
Hut. Cell. Box. Hard to say when human language is so vast and complex
LyraV 42Dukes
Maybe he will finally ask the name of the alien possessing his friend.
gellaho
Miller is employing the Jurassic Park raptor strategy
gellaho
Oh, you poor, poor, hopelessly delusional individual
FancyShark
Ahh, so now he is the Polynesian. Very sneaky, Dorn
FlippantSausage
He will later use his enlarged dew claw to gut someone and they will yell "Bakadoa" because that means "Oh shit, manraptor rampage!"
gellaho
You know, the cradle of civilization. The Polynesian islands
That's the only reason people know how to make boats
FancyShark
And who resorted to cannibalism when they ran out of food
FlippantSausage
Gauguin seemed to like it there.
LyraV 42Dukes
The Island of the Blue Dornphins
gellaho
This is like a shittier Scientology
FancyShark
Someone comes by and lifts the building up. "You know this is balsa wood, right?"
gellaho
Cook, Spock, coincidence?
FancyShark
Cook's headwound is turning black
FlippantSausage
"Guys, I'm beginning to think these people aren't Polynesian? Or at least.......maybe "Polynesian" might be a more vague designation than I thought!"
gellaho
"Man, I almost cucked that pirate guy"
Brendanonymous
Connecticut where everything is a gorgeous spring explosion
FlippantSausage
Lucky? I just overslept because my sleep has been disturbed lately.
"They have invented monogamy but not boats?! HOW?!"
FancyShark
"Say, did the Chief's belt look kind of dick-laden to you?"
LyraV 42Dukes
Hints of monogamy because she didn't instantly pay attention to his engorged boner after their 10 minute interaction. Way to go Miller.
FlippantSausage
Just straight up aren't going to even mention it because they want the dick belts to go away.
gellaho
Dude, you have no idea what Michael Dorn was up to in 1997
FlippantSausage
Miller is clicking his heels together saying "I don't believe in dick belts."
FancyShark
I hope the twist is that the tribe actually worships the tsunami and they call it back
gellaho
What the fuck does this mean!? Did they have a subway system? A monorail? An interstate!? The fuck
FlippantSausage
"ITS ALMOST LIKE THEY HAVE A UNIQUE CULTURE OR SOME SHIT?!"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Or maybe the boats are in part of the 99% of the island you haven't seen.
LyraV 42Dukes
This is some quality baffling right here.
FlippantSausage
"This is absolutely not at all like "Sex Orgies of Serawak" promised!"
FancyShark
Runa Puake, where the people all starved to death after resorting to cannibalism, was connected to Easter Island but they didn't notice signs of that before two idiots found it over the course of three and a half months
Thanks, Dorn
FlippantSausage
"Guys.......do stag mags count as non fiction periodicals? Asking for a friend."
gellaho
OK, so now we're dealing with an idea I've never liked in science fiction
gellaho
Which is that parallel evolution needs to have a common starting point for some reason
FancyShark
Miller still needs reminders that Cook is possessed
gellaho
TNG had this idea that all humanoid life needed to originate from a standard seed, which si so weird to me
FlippantSausage
It makes a kind of sense if you only half understand evolution, I suppose.
And assume it works on Pokemon rules.
FancyShark
I think it'd only result in identical civilizations if you had infinite worlds
gellaho
Gotta make a geico claim first though
gellaho
Well, you know, calculus was invented by two people at the same time. it'd be impossible that anything else could possibly happen that way
FancyShark
Rule of writing: Tell your audience something is a revelation rather than show it
gellaho
What!?
FancyShark
GASP!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Whatta twist!
FlippantSausage
"Jay is more demented than I thought!"
gellaho
Aw, what bad timing
FancyShark
dangit
gellaho
"Miller had already prepared many of his own dried body parts in advance"
FlippantSausage
Trying to guess whether this is them taking them to the "Welcome New Friends Feast" or the "Cut off their Dicks Feast"
FancyShark
Here's a hint: There is no "New Friends Feast"
gellaho
Maybe Dorn actually thinks he's a Klingon
FlippantSausage
He's really gambling on his understanding of that word.
FancyShark
Fun fact: the word "baka" in Japanese means "idiot"
gellaho
This is just a Klingon and Vulcan at this point
FlippantSausage
Ive been mainlining Dennard Dayles podcast, Weaboo Hell for the last couple days and all I keep thinking is someone is calling miller a "baka stepbro"
FancyShark
"First man who cums, loses"
FlippantSausage
"Um.....no? You didn't do that, Miller. You thumped your chest and said a word you only kind of understand. For all you know you told them to put you back in this cell and did an interpretive hand dance."
gellaho
"tΓΊ also meant 'you' in Spanish, but that couldn't be it"
FancyShark
"Now kiss"
FlippantSausage
"OH NO! FATAL MISCALCULATION! Bakadoa means "Dance off"!
FancyShark
YES! DANCE OFF!
gellaho
@FancyShark you still have a chance
FancyShark
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon...
FlippantSausage
Yeah kinda rooting for swim tied to a shark.
Tho to be fair it could be like one of those lil
smol ones
FancyShark
If he skies on a pair of sharks like Aquaman with a pair of dolphins, I'll forgive so much of this book
LyraV 42Dukes
I can see Dorn reading this paragraph aloud to himself. Just repeating 'He would survive'
gellaho
"Miller had never seen "The Day the Earth Stood Still" or "The Evil Dead," so he had no idea what "klaatu barada nikto" meant
FlippantSausage
Any minute now he's gonna use a full sentence, fuck it up because its Mandarin rules and tone and context matter, and call someone a "fried eel dish buoyancy boathook"
FancyShark
He already did. They just can't bring themselves to tell him. They think he's slow.
gellaho
"Just as every European nation celebrated Oktoberfest, so too did every Polynesian culture celebrate throw the dipshit in the volcano"
Emergency Swamp Moonshine Cerril
Oh yeah, I love ordering that at my local joint.
FlippantSausage
Woooo! Tossing morons in a volcanoooooooooooo!
FancyShark
Heya, @Emergency Swamp Moonshine Cerril !
FlippantSausage
Get a pig going on a spit, its Volcano Appeasement Day!
FancyShark
I'm glad they gave him a scarf. Volcanos get so chilly.
gellaho
I sure am glad these people keep talking to each other without understanding. It's so great
FlippantSausage
Should have washed him in coconut milk beforehand, so he would be flavored for the volcano.
Oh PIRATE is the stupid one, not the guy who kept repeating "Volcano sacrifice!"
FancyShark
Maybe it's the Evil Dead joke, but I'm having a much easier time with this by imagining it's Ash Williams
gellaho
I feel like you don't need a doctorate to answer that question
LyraV 42Dukes
I keep having to remind myself this is about an artifact that's integral to an alien time war.
Maybe?
gellaho
Luckily Army of Darkness didn't take this long to get to the point
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Michael dorn keeps forgetting he is traumatized by children
FlippantSausage
I'd rather be tossed in a volcano than have a baby, yes.
FancyShark
Glad none of the children he saw reminded him of that
gellaho
So, why the shudder?
FlippantSausage
Skeleton army makes it all worth it in the end, hopefully
John
Come on Lava Sharks!
FancyShark
Y'know, you'll still die from the fall, lava or not
LAVA SHARKS! LAVA SHARKS!
gellaho
Hopefully this gobbledygook means it's Miller Time
FlippantSausage
Are.......they about to be tossed into the thruster cone of a world ship? Or is describing a dormant volcano as an engine a Dorn thing?
Also Jay is getting a lot of ten dollar words from his head trauma and alien possession.
FancyShark
Sounds like the writers were banking on that high probability of success
gellaho
I'm assuming this is supposed to be some kind of grand point, but fuck me if I understand it
John
High probability of success because there's still...holy shit really?...300 pages to go.
FancyShark
BODHI?! FUCK! ABORT MISSION!
FlippantSausage
So the future war is Buddha vs like.......lumberjacks?
NUCLEAR BUDDHA?!
gellaho
I'm very afraid Bhodi Li is about to show up
FlippantSausage
THey are talking a lot for men being thrown into a volcano.
Even a dormant one.
FancyShark
Don't do this, Dorn! Peter David wrote those Star Trek books, but he's not your friend!
gellaho
Those aren't the worst odds I've ever heard
FancyShark
That's not bad at all
gellaho
Don't worry, Sulu's the one who grabbed his ass
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
As far as volcanos go
FancyShark
I've taken a higher risk rolling for initiative
πŸ€“
gellaho
That's not how math works
FlippantSausage
Fortunatly Miller has +5 to Surviving Volcano Sacrifice, so his odds are better.
"Yeah of course I'm calm, what are you, senile? I told you I wasn't Jay, what do I care if this meat puppet dies?"
FancyShark
One in seven vs One in seven million. Good thing Cook has that ninja training
LyraV 42Dukes
Dude Miller, you're friend is being puppeted by a being beyond your understanding. Figure it out, that is Not Cook.
gellaho
I'm too drunk for this
FlippantSausage
Also isnt Bodhi the name of a character in that Keanu Reeves surfer heist movie?
Is someone in this book Keanu Reeves and nobody said anything?!
For shame Mr. Dorn.
FancyShark
Oh god damn it, he's about to disintegrate the natives
gellaho
They are taking their sweetass time getting to this volcano
LyraV 42Dukes
I had forgotten the Volcano πŸ˜†
John
For two guys about to surf lava sharks and become time fuckers, this is a very boring book.
FancyShark
Rule of volcano sacrifice: Gotta give the victims enough time to have a long ass conversation
FlippantSausage
So......if I'm reading this conflict right........the time traveling environmentalists have engineered this native culture to toss these specific two idiots into a volcano, and Miller is going to save the future for.....Monsanto?
gellaho
Apparently the chaos regulator does affect gravity. Despite what was said earlier
gellaho
Probably not, but this is very poorly written
Help me preserve the regular movement of time, Tai Chi!
gellaho
Nooooooi
FlippantSausage
OH SHIT IT GOT LOVECRAFTIAN!
FancyShark
You don't get to claim Miller has a scientific mind this far in, book
FlippantSausage
Pretty soon Miller is going to find out his grandma was a fish and the rats are going to start whispering secrets.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I mean, we didn't believe you the first dozen times.
gellaho
Conch shells sound like trumpets, right?
John
I'm still hung up on the "oh yeah, my arm is heavy too. I noticed it but didn't say anything" part. That kind of lazy writing pisses me off.
FancyShark
Suddenly, the tsunami flies in, riding a lava shark
FlippantSausage
I like the idea that the entire fanfare is just a series of loud conch farts repeated several times in no particular tune.
FancyShark
Blaaaaaaaat
gellaho
Welp, we've given up trying to make sense
LyraV 42Dukes
slowly, then quickly, then slowly again
FancyShark
We'll fix this in the next video card update
FlippantSausage
How do you feel time, Miller?!
TELL ME THAT MR SCIENCE MAN!
FancyShark
He is The One
FlippantSausage
I just started hating Miller.
Like a looooot.
LyraV 42Dukes
Flickering.
FlippantSausage
It doesn't take much but "feeling time" does that.
gellaho
What strange basketball is this? Dr James Naismith, answer me!
FlippantSausage
"OH NO MY CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"
FancyShark
Duuuuuuuuude
gellaho
The primordial basketball tells secrets of the game no baller can answer
FlippantSausage
This passage is exactly like a passage in a 40k novel describing being adrift in the Warp, and I dont think Dorn meant to imply Miller is entering a co-terminous mental hellscape where emotions are given physical form.
FancyShark
Nope. Just a Denny's
gellaho
Roll the bones, baby
FlippantSausage
SKELETON ARMY!
gellaho
Maybe, just maybe, tell me what does matter and ignore the flat bones
FancyShark
Well, go to hell, us, I guess
FlippantSausage
"YOu know what reader? Fuck you for even noticing those panels and wondering what they could be made of."
gellaho
My head hurts
FancyShark
Coppery mango, sure
FlippantSausage
The artifact has tentacles now?
gellaho
This is officially worse than the Photon book about the cosmic laser tag gods
FancyShark
And weirder than the space whale
FlippantSausage
These guys are trying to do a Roger Zelazny Amber Chronicles Hellride thing, and fucking it up.
Fucking. It. Up.
gellaho
How could you possibly know that
FlippantSausage
"Okay now your pants."
FancyShark
Okay, that's it. Go fuck yourselves, authors
FlippantSausage
"No, do it slow."
gellaho
That's not even how Portuguese, Spanish or Italian work, and they're almost the same
LyraV 42Dukes
The Q to an M
John
I wish languages were that easy to learn. Half the letters are the same, so it's the same thing.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Your track record at translating this language has not been great, Miller
FancyShark
At the end, we find out it was just a Boston accent
FlippantSausage
"Ho....homophones?! WHAT FUTURE TECHNOLOGY IS THIS! MY MIND REELS! MY CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!?"
gellaho
You know how you motion a spear to tell someone to undress
gellaho
I assume it's pointing the spearhead at the dick
FlippantSausage
When a man with a pointy stick gestures with it, nine of ten times its "Get nude."
FancyShark
"Dribbled! I'm Michael Dorn, and I do sport!"
FlippantSausage
You will absolutely know if its not.
gellaho
Come on, Dorn, give me a dick description
FlippantSausage
Is this just Dorn working up to a nude Polynesian lacross scene?
FancyShark
I don't think "modesty" is the most heroic reason to defy the murderous volcano worshippers
gellaho
But first, fucking nonsense
LyraV 42Dukes
His movements smelled like what now?
FancyShark
They wrote down their acid trip
Conspicuous Loaf of Meatbread
Well.
gellaho
Four cubes does not describe a ding dong, Dorn
Conspicuous Loaf of Meatbread
I can't unread that.
FlippantSausage
All this is Miller tripping because he touched some kind of venomous frog and its kicking in.
Conspicuous Loaf of Meatbread
So that's a thing that's stuck with me forever.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He's trying to describe synesthesia but it just comes off like bad similes.
FlippantSausage
It's like a total square describing an acid trip.
LyraV 42Dukes
Good I thought Cook was turning into a robot or something.
FancyShark
This is a good summary
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That should have been on the back cover
gellaho
And, yes, I am only on page 97
gellaho
One more chapter. It's short
FlippantSausage
I don;t even know if that is bad at this point.
John
"Miller died painfully. It was a better death than he deserved."
gellaho
I fought a heavy backpack in high school. It wasn't exactly heroic. It was full of textbooks
FlippantSausage
GOD JUST DROP COOK INTO A GRAVITY ANOMALY AND MAKE HIM IMPLODE FOR FUCKS SAKES!
gellaho
You. Said. It. Was. Chaos.
FlippantSausage
Wait he only just now realized it was gravity?!
FancyShark
THEY SAID IT WAS CHAOS!
IT CONTROLS THE CHAOS OF SPACE-TIME!
READ YOUR OWN FUCKING WORK, DORN!
gellaho
Not paste, flat bones.
John
At this point I have to hope he had nothing with writing this and just took $500 to put his name on the cover. Worf deserves better.
FlippantSausage
Miller, everyone knows this is how Polynesians make milk.
FancyShark
So based on Miller's assumption, the meaning is that he should turn around and flee the door at all costs
FlippantSausage
Or maybe circle around the gravitic anomaly? The geography of the scene is very unclear.
Probably the correct thing is NOT to go towards the thing increasing your body weight exponentially with every step until your organs burst under their own weight tho.
gellaho
Cook is going for it. It isn't going well
FancyShark
"It was so hot"
LyraV 42Dukes
Dude I've just been laughing, I can't stop this book is amazing. Who let them publish this? Where were his friends?
FlippantSausage
If this was a movie a moving power ballad would be playing.
Because I have this down as an 80s movie.
FancyShark
Maybe this book was Dorn's way of signaling Hemingway was holding him hostage?
FancyShark
It's from 1997
gellaho
HarperPrism, a division of publishing giant Harper Collins
LyraV 42Dukes
To be fair, I love it. It's awesome.
FlippantSausage
And somehow the movie is still from 1984
FancyShark
This really is the perfect book to riff
FlippantSausage
Oooh Cook represents Hemingways ghost!
Shit got deep.
FancyShark
Right down to the head trauma!
Well, maybe not as intense for Cook
FlippantSausage
I dont know how a ghost being smushed by a gravity affecting space pyramid tracks with this as a metaphor, but neither does anyone else.
gellaho
What could these panels be doing?
gellaho
Certaintly couldn't be generating the gravity
FancyShark
I'm not sure. My lucidity is cracking under the pressure
Maybe try some science, Miller?
gellaho
Oh, no. Miller is going to have to tell Jerry
FlippantSausage
Do some science you prick!
LyraV 42Dukes
He took no extra precautions or tried anything other than exactly what the others did. ONLY MORE MICHAEL! I mean MILLER!
gellaho
I hope by science you mean dick kick
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Are the islanders harvesting the crushed dicks from these bodies?
FlippantSausage
Man its going to be rough for Miller to find out he just said "Butt stuff" to Pirate.
FancyShark
It's no lava shark, but it's still rad
gellaho
Oh, no, not even the dick kick is powerful enough
FancyShark
Wow. Cowed by a nudge. Some hero.
FlippantSausage
Wow this momentary resistance did exactly nothing.
Great job, science man.
FancyShark
ohhh, he can translate without being an asshole about it now
FlippantSausage
"Miller didn't even expect it to work, and just wanted to kick Pirate in the dick for cock blocking him."
gellaho
One last not-really-cucking from our hero
FancyShark
hahaha
Our hero is a real piece of trash
LyraV 42Dukes
The death of Cook is still weighing heavily on him.
FlippantSausage
Damn that is like one step from breathing "I fucked your sister." into someones ear after a take down.
FancyShark
So you can see why the time traveling aliens entrusted the gravity orb to Miller
gellaho
I mean, you have a doctorate and many years of military and martial arts training. These are weird island people with pointy sticks
FancyShark
"Math says to quit being a pussy"
LyraV 42Dukes
He was more man than seven men.
FlippantSausage
He kicked Pirates ass pretty easily, he might be able to just run off? Nobody actually intervened, and he could make some armor out of coconuts and a bit of creeper.
gellaho
What!? The rectangular panels were important! Unbelievable
John
Inconceivable!
FancyShark
Miller immediately vows to get a personal pan pizza
FlippantSausage
Youd have thought Cook would have been a little clearer, but then again, Miller doesnt fucking listen.
gellaho
A 500 pound man!? Impossible!
FancyShark
TLC is suddenly interested
gellaho
Goddammit, Miller
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Miller is so dumb his friend died
FancyShark
"Almost literally"
He's going to tell Jerry his dad died for no reason
gellaho
How?
FlippantSausage
"BEcause Miller doesn't listen, Cook knew he HAD to make a big dramatic thing about it. He just didnt have time to write instructions in his own blood."
LyraV 42Dukes
He's just 'Pirate' I'd become numb to that and now it's funny again.
gellaho
Spears!? I didn't know they were throwing spears! Why didn't anyone tell me?
FancyShark
Pirate's being really uncool about the jerk that almost fucked his wife
Miller is beginning to suspect these people are hostile
gellaho
I fucking get it, triple authors
FlippantSausage
Man, Pirate has some primo aim, he must have practiced because throwing a spear already has some drop, with the gravity well, it would be pretty gnarly.
FancyShark
DO YOU?! WE CAN CLARIFY FOR ANOTHER FIVE PAGES!
John
I doubt a giant hole in his leg will heal in a few weeks, but I'm not an archaeologist.
FlippantSausage
If the bronze head is flattened by the gravity and impact, then how is it not also tearing itself down his leg like an unzipped hotdog?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It's a wound that will cause maximum disability but will heal with no lasting damage
perfectly clear
gellaho
I touched their God-artifact, why don't they love me?
FlippantSausage
"Why aren't they cheering?"
Fuck you, Miller.
FancyShark
A sliver of rock causes the same amount of pain as a spear gouge
gellaho
Sure, oxygen drunk. Whatever
FlippantSausage
How...........do these people think gravity works?
FancyShark
"In actuality, the best air he ever breathed was the air he stole from Cook, who would never breathe again"
gellaho
Dramatics now, why not
FlippantSausage
Like..........its emanating from the artifact horizontally but.......still doing things to the normal gravity?!
I've never seen a sci fi writer with this loose a grasp on gravity.
FancyShark
Aw. I was hoping his gesture would be a crotch grab followed by double birds
FlippantSausage
Oh nevermind, he went to Berkeley.
gellaho
I think Michael Dorn might have thought he was actually a Klingon
FlippantSausage
Explains a lot.
LyraV 42Dukes
He posed like no one had ever posed before. He flexed enough for seven men and ten more besides. He was All men. He was DORN. I mean MILLER.
FancyShark
This would make a pretty typical Star Trek
Except for all the taunting the woman's husband
That's more NuTrek
gellaho
Sure, the four rectangles somehow formed a six-sided container
FancyShark
"Please wait while I assemble this Rubik's Cube"
FlippantSausage
That's just math........shapes math!
gellaho
It's three dimensional, you need six sides
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It really strikes me as kind of a Kirk thing, to be honest.
FlippantSausage
Maybe two of them fold?
No wait......
Fuck me.
I am bad at shapes math.
FancyShark
Yeah, but if it was classic Kirk, he'd have been in there before the husband even showed up
FlippantSausage
Riker would have tried for a three way.
LyraV 42Dukes
Like those spheres you get out of grocery store coin machines?
gellaho
Well, I guess we'll stop with the Pirate cuck charging Miller
FancyShark
oh no, whatever will the angry man with a stick do against the man who ascended to godhood
gellaho
Not a great place to stop, but there have been no good places to stop and I'm 115 pages into this 275 page book
John
We thank you for your sacrifice @gellaho
FancyShark
I'd say it's a good stopping point
FlippantSausage
It's a classic Star Trek cliffhanger.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Wow, we've been at this for a while.
gellaho
To be continued
LyraV 42Dukes
You are a star @gellaho Thank You So Much!
John
5 hours to get to the actual plot of the story. That's gotta be a record.
FancyShark
This was awesome
Thank you, @gellaho !
Outstanding riffing, everyone!
gellaho
Thanks for being part of part one of this mutlipart series, who knows how many more parts there will be
gellaho
Fuck this book is crazy
FancyShark
That was a ton of fun
But yeah, it's definitely late. Gotta get dinner going. Have a good night, everybody! See you tomorrow, hopefully for Fight Night!
gellaho
This honestly might be the audio book I end up doing after Target Steele. Just, wild shit
gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode 60, Part 2: Let's Do the Time Blender Again
We will return to some of the craziest shit I've ever read with Star Trek's Michael Dorn's TIME BLENDER. Get prepared with some cliff top Tai Chi and bring along your possessed dead colleague. Be sure to avoid any chaos/gravity controlling artifacts so you can make it this Friday, 5PM eastern.
gellaho
Relax the back, cultivate Javo
hi gellaho I miss you. Did you see the dinosaur book
gellaho
@Brockway pin this, or be speared by an ancient pseudo-Polynesian Pirate
gellaho
I did
Relax the back, cultivate Javo
sick
gellaho
Goodbye until Friday
Relax the back, cultivate Javo
toodles
FancyShark
Later!
LyraV 42Dukes
I'm so psyched! I fucking love this book.
gellaho
Hey nerds. A little over an hour until TIME BLENDER continues. The preview still hasn't happened, so here it is again.
gellaho
I'm both under the weather and have drank a bottle of wine, so this should be great.
FancyShark
Oh no! Cold?
gellaho
Probably. I felt decent enough to drink a bottle of wine, so
FancyShark
That still sucks. Hope you feel better soon.
LyraV 42Dukes
Thank you for still doing this even when you're not feeling well, I've been looking forward to this book all week.
gellaho
If I'm ever too sick to read, you can consider me legally dead
FancyShark
I will have to duck out for a while in the middle of today's reading. Hopefully that doesn't cause me to miss the...uh...
I remember something about chaos being gravity and the hero being an idiot who let his friend's headwound go untreated and the friend was possessed by a thing and there was a volcano sacrifice attempt.
Did we ever get as far as a proper plot?
LyraV 42Dukes
There was an artifact that was also a gravity guarded time door and that had to do with the....war? Some kind of alien invasion maybe? It was kind of implied the arifact was important by whatever was possessing his buddy but Dorn never really addressed any of that. He was busy ogling the nude lady who was hanging out with that Pirate. Trying to remember has left me more confused.
FancyShark
Yeah. Artifact was necessary to stop an intergalactic conflict and they chose him as the best person to mediate it
FlippantSausage
All I really focused on was "What kind of dingus does a volcano sacrifice in an INACTIVE volcano?"
Brendanonymous
IT
IS
TIME
gellaho
Time to Blend, baby
gellaho
In case you missed it, or like me, were very drunk. Our hero, Michael Dorn Tony Miller, had just turned off an artifact that controlled chaos/gravity by solving a puzzle he didn't understand
FancyShark
Michael Dorn's self-insert protagonist is just the most awesomest. So he and a ninja biologist investigated an island close to Easter Island for 3.5 months. They were the only two people on the island because the civilization they were investigating all died after they used up all natural resources and turned to cannibalism. His buddy then fell and hit his head, woke up speaking like an alien or a demon, and he tried to fly his buddy to the hospital.
They got distracted by a dormant volcano, crashed, and discovered ships and planes from all eras of history were being used as housing for a volcano worshipping tribe. Our hero liked a naked lady, the lady's husband Pirate didn't like him. They tried to sacrifice our heroes to a volcano, then he received The Artifact, which is the key to stopping intergalactic war. It contains chaos. Except then it's actually gravity. He is now a god.
gellaho
Accurate
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He also has Mok'bara tai chi mind powers.
gellaho
Here comes the Pirate spear. A well known pirate weapon
Brendanonymous
Okay, so there's a timespace wormhole fucking everything up and it's better than Michael Crichton, got it.
FancyShark
Yeah. Also, Tony never realized his buddy was possessed by an alien and was incredulous when told
LyraV 42Dukes
I forgot the Pirate is named 'Pirate'
FancyShark
And his friend died saving him from the Artifact
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Wasn't the pirate just an islander in a pirate costume?
FancyShark
I think so?
FlippantSausage
Or just nobody cared to ask his name. he's probably got one, and like....aspirations and shit.
FancyShark
Yeah. Tony just calls him "Pirate" because of his outfit
FlippantSausage
Too bad, hes gonna get tai chid into the next life.
FancyShark
Tony is not a smart or likable man
FlippantSausage
And miller is gonna fuck his wife.
gellaho
Miller uses his black belt in karate to lift a panel
FancyShark
Getting knocked on your ass is the same as getting crushed by a huge object
FlippantSausage
I was hoping he'd realize he has the Half Life gravity gun in that box.
Like cmon.
gellaho
Very heroic
FlippantSausage
Chekhovs gravity box.
FancyShark
holy shit!
FlippantSausage
lol rad.
FancyShark
That'll teach him to not want another guy to bang his wife
LyraV 42Dukes
You also can really feel those three writers at certain points.
FlippantSausage
The videogame adaptation would make some money with this.
gellaho
Well, he came at you with a spear. You gotta defend yourself
FlippantSausage
Really? Horrified?
more like Hornified.
FancyShark
No, you're a murderer, Miller. You just murderered.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Also there were all those kids the authors keep forgetting about
FlippantSausage
You don't super gravity murder a man and not get at least a half chub.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
You stealth bombered an orphanage, dude
gellaho
I don't remember establishing that the possession was from the future, but OK
Brendanonymous
He Red Vipered him!
FancyShark
oh right, Miller has PTSD for blowing up a school or orphanage instead of Saddam Hussein
Except they forgot about that after the first chapter
FlippantSausage
They look about the same from 20 thousand feet and moving at the speed of sound.
FancyShark
He was a pilot in Desert Storm
FlippantSausage
Also those orphans probably had like....dangerous stuff like empty water containers.
Brendanonymous
So this artifact is like a 2D black hole?
FlippantSausage
But also chaos.
gellaho
I guess Miller now has free reign. So he buries his friend
FancyShark
"Certainly more peaceful than he'd looked since the head wound"
FlippantSausage
Man he is doing some reaching to assign some emotional context to the flat puddle of goo that used to be Cook.
You flatten a skull and the facial expressions start to look a bit different.
FancyShark
Northeast, Cook's favorite direction
gellaho
Two things: (1) No idea how he knows which direction Berkeley is, (2) Why bury him like Berkeley is a religious location?
FlippantSausage
"Buried" is kind of a loose way to describe "Sloshed him out of a bucket."
FancyShark
Berkeley is the Mecca of tenured professors
FancyShark
"Wrung out"
Brendanonymous
Maybe it's where they first made love to a common street trollop at the same time.
gellaho
Miller is too embarrassed to eulogize his buddy
FlippantSausage
Hes part passenger pigeon.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Like from Who Framed Roger Rabbit
FancyShark
"Sorry I didn't take you to a hospital?"
Nah, you're right. Silence is best.
LyraV 42Dukes
His close friend who he only mostly interally resented and harshly judged.
Brendanonymous
Pirate slowly rose from his puddled state. His insane, cartoon eyes whirling as he screamed.
FlippantSausage
"Welp, Cook ol buddy......I gotta go fuck a widow. Later, gator."
gellaho
Miller considers reckless speculation a key part of the scientific process
Brendanonymous
DO YOU REMEMBER ME, WORF? When I killed your captain, I looked JUST! LIKE! THIS!
RIP Cook, a character I almost met.
FancyShark
Miller still hasn't learned their language or heard them say more than one word that he thinks means "warrior"
FlippantSausage
"It occurred to Miller that since he had put their god in a box, that left a certain amount of opportunity for social advancement, according to his Polynesian culture expertise."
gellaho
Miller majored in jumping to conclusions
FancyShark
Actual translation: "Fuck you"
Brendanonymous
Worf is your god now, fools! And Worf desires--SHAVED ICE!
FlippantSausage
You can tell Miller comes from America and is in academia because he instantly feels the need to "fix" someone elses culture.
gellaho
Fucking nerd
Brendanonymous
If he were british he would have eaten their dead, so I'll take that hit.
FlippantSausage
God he is taking so goddam long to declare himself god king.
FancyShark
"And maybe, if there was time, inform Cook's family"
FlippantSausage
"Was Cook married? Miller would have to check. Maybe HIS widow would need some Miller Time."
Brendanonymous
How will these poor childlike innocents survive on the island they have lived on countless generations without a dangerous god to exploit them?
gellaho
The fish excrement really cleans out those wounds
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"he briefly remembered Cook's son as he wiped the last of Cook's organs off his hands"
A Wombat
Does salt water cleanse wounds that effectively?
Brendanonymous
It's pretty good!
A Wombat
When it's in the sea?
Brendanonymous
My cuts healed a lot faster in summer as a kid.
A Wombat
Where all sorts of thousands of animals live?
FancyShark
Come on, sharks! Blood in the water!
Brendanonymous
Because fish, I dunno.
A Wombat
Huh.
Well then. Carry on, murderous psychopath!
Carry on.
Brendanonymous
It's MILLER time, sharks.
gellaho
Miller decides that cleansing fire is the only answer
FancyShark
We almost had lava sharks last time. This book is a goddamn tease
A Wombat
The best way to solve this society's prolems?
Introduce them to fossil fuels.
FlippantSausage
DRUNKEN BONFIREEEEEEE!
A Wombat
What could possibly go wrong.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He searched a forest and found wood? His reputation as a brilliant outdoorsman is justified
FlippantSausage
"I AM YOUR PROMETHEUUS!"
gellaho
Well, I guess Miller has just gone crazy
A Wombat
Technically, Prometheus put himself at risk and engaged in great treachery and courage to steal fire.
FancyShark
Yes, Miller. Rewriting a culture is something that should be banged out before nighty night
A Wombat
Miller just found some fuel and started fire.
He's like dollar store Prometheus.
Brendanonymous
Behold, I have burned down your forest, forcing you to adapt.
Take to the sea and harvest its bounty!
FancyShark
"No fish in sea. All die."
A Wombat
Take to the sea! The aquatic ape theory may have been horseshit, but we can fix that this time!
What was his doctorate in, anyway?
FlippantSausage
Wait how did he work nursery rhymes into his doctoral thesis?
FancyShark
"No ape. Ape all die."
gellaho
Miller burns his dick with a flare gun
A Wombat
Like, is he a doctor of anything that would be useful for civilization.
FancyShark
Paleontology?
A Wombat
...oh, no, never mind, he's decided to become a vengeful and wrathful God.
FlippantSausage
Polynesian Studies?
A Wombat
Cool.
LyraV 42Dukes
If you're going to make the main character so clearly yourself it seems like you'd write less of an insufferable dick.
FancyShark
"Chief, your god has an owie on his downstairs place. Kiss and make better."
"Fucking colonizing jackass."
A Wombat
Someone once wrote a time travel story about how utterly useless most modern academics and technologists would be even three hundred years ago.
This guy? He didn't read that story.
I can't think of the name.
FlippantSausage
Thats the difference between us plebes and the golden elite of the cast of TNG.
Brendanonymous
I bet 95% of the time in these situations, the hunter-gatherers are just like "Oh wow, this guy has some dope shit."
A Wombat
I know it's something de Camp went back to, but it wasn't his short story. Dammit, now that's going to bother me.
FlippantSausage
"Lets wait until this idiot falls asleep and slit his throat and let God out of that stupid box."
A Wombat
If these hunter gatherers are stupid enough to fall for this, and not simultaneously smart enough to realize they can kill you and take your stuff, or enslave you and make you perform it at their will.
You are not building a society.
gellaho
Well, that's that. I guess, new religion
A Wombat
You are establishing an adult education center.
FlippantSausage
"We can let Dan's wife Yuki do it."
A Wombat
See? See? Adult education center.
FlippantSausage
Jesus he just set these poor fuckers up for Hernan Cortez.
FancyShark
If a man can turn you into liquid with a thought, it doesn't matter what he says. You nod.
gellaho
Fuck it, party time!
gellaho
Miller also doesn't have a way to leave
A Wombat
"Why does God's messenger need beer?"
Trick question, everyone needs beer.
The Sumerians were right.
FancyShark
I'm glad he decided to be polite after crushing one of their people into marinara
A Wombat
About this and so much else.
FlippantSausage
You don't wanna be worshipping the gods that didnt invent booze, they suck.
A Wombat
It's Miller time!
All the time.
gellaho
The writer(s) experiment with short sentences
FancyShark
Funny that Miller didn't decide their society could do without the dick skirt the Chief has
LyraV 42Dukes
I bet the naked native woman shows back up.
A Wombat
So... at some point in the mysterious future, a person you won't recognize will be your God, come among you. And you will know him from his actions because like me, his messenger, he will probably kill all sorts of you with powers beyond your comprehension.
I've heard worse religions.
gellaho
Time to fuck Pirate's lady friend
A Wombat
Oh good, she either believes you're an all powerful immortal.
LyraV 42Dukes
Just so he can desperately pretend to respect her for at least a paragraph. I was wrong.
FancyShark
Then the knives
A Wombat
OR she thinks you're a moron.
That's a sound policy to base a sexual relationship on.
No notes.
Brendanonymous
I grew up Catholic, so all this is in Revelation.
gellaho
Bare asses always make me think about potatoes, too
A Wombat
Like I said, it's not a bad pitch.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The fact that his dick has flare gun blisters on it slightly diminished the experience
A Wombat
Okay, so... unrelated... has any of these people actually touched silk?
Because if your partner's skin feels like silk, something is wrong.
That's not a texture humans come in.
FancyShark
"Again?" or "Better luck second time?"
FlippantSausage
Wow two times. Going real hard on the "Miller\Dorn is an indefatigable lover..........ladieeeesssss."
A Wombat
I'm not sure it's a texture anything alive comes in besides silk worms, and most of the time they're not when we take the silk away.
Brendanonymous
Some millers grind grain. This Miller grinds pubic mounds.
A Wombat
Now, now.
Generally pubic mounds.
gellaho
The fun thing about writing is that you can ignore all the realities of the world. Like, where does gasoline come from
A Wombat
So... none of that was necessary?
FancyShark
Gas tanks are full of Pirate
A Wombat
He could have refilled his gas tanks whenever he wanted?
Brendanonymous
Maybe he condensed from the other planes.
FlippantSausage
He built one from RAW TIME!
A Wombat
Gasoline doesn't work that way, but most people don't know that.
So I'm going to allow it.
But I'm watching you, Dorn.
gellaho
They certainly won't notice the crippled man dragging a sacred artifact down a volcano
A Wombat
Wait, I just figured it out.
He's not really writing a novel.
He's writing an in-universe Star Trek book.
A book about "Why we follow the Prime Directive'.
FancyShark
Yeah, the whole thing has played like a Star Trek story so far
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Miller is a star trek villain
gellaho
That must be some sex
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
i guess he replicated that gasoline then
A Wombat
Wow, he angered the actual Gods.
Brendanonymous
Yeah but these planes are in a time dilation from whooooo everywhere.
they might all be like six months old relatively.
FlippantSausage
Yes, we all know that feeling of reluctance to leave the woman you barely know but have fucked three times after liquifying her husband.
A Wombat
I mean, that's possible, but it's way more credit than I want to give him.
gellaho
Well, their society was fucked with a future space artifact that controls gravity and chaos. So I don't think this qualifies
Brendanonymous
There is no sex in Star Trek.
A Wombat
Do two wrongs make a right in a prime directive situation?
Captain Kirk says maybe!
Brendanonymous
But also wars
FancyShark
I'm sorry, Brendan, but Kirk says otherwise
gellaho
Now visions of Bhodi Lis
Brendanonymous
The kobayashi maru is completely solvable if you propose an orgy.
FancyShark
NOOOOO!
No Bodhi Li!
Brendanonymous
The minute I knew JJ Abrams was a hack was Kirk boning two green chicks to the Black Keys.
FlippantSausage
"Miller rolled onto his back and fired his gun into the air, emptying the clip."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The bohdis are just mimics from D&D
gellaho
Very logical
FancyShark
Fascinating
A Wombat
Somewhere, Spock is holding his head in pain.
FlippantSausage
Oh now you summon the specter of logic now that the glowing orb is in play.
A Wombat
And Nimoy's been dead for years.
Brendanonymous
I'm not saying the Black Keys aren't great fuck-music. I'm just saying imagine if I took you home and then played you some horny 16th C. baroque organista music.
Wombat, I don't need to know I missed the baroque period by 200 years.
A Wombat
But
but
gellaho
After jumping to several conclusions, he refuses this
FlippantSausage
I dunno if you were James Tiberius Kirk id see where it was going.
FancyShark
goddammit, Tony
A Wombat
Honestly, I really would not be surprised if Kirk had surprising taste in baroque music.
FancyShark
You're demanding proof after the dude that told you about the war is dead?!
A Wombat
Kirk isn't dumb, he's blunt.
FlippantSausage
Miller is still fucking around being a doubter after boxing up a time bending gravity orb.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Star trek characters love anything in the public domain
FlippantSausage
And fuckin.
A Wombat
I mean, that's probably the real reason.
But I also like to imagine they love our earlier history because the late 20th century is just trash to them.
gellaho
You say this about a group of people who are obsessed with old show tunes
LyraV 42Dukes
These things didnt happen with Tony, except for all the things that have totally happened!
A Wombat
So they retained none of it.
Like there's a history class in the Star Trek world where they just say '1945 to 2050, nothing of value happened in culture."
LyraV 42Dukes
Also I refer to myself by my full name and all my titles in my interal monologue.
A Wombat
Maybe that's why you don't have a PhD.
gellaho
The ancient makeout ritual
A Wombat
I'm not saying that referring to yourself in the third person with all your titles will give you a PhD.
FancyShark
The necklace is filled with grenades
A Wombat
I'm just saying I don't think we can rule out that's why it happens in the Dornverse.
FlippantSausage
Wow she made that in three or four day........oh that was for someone else originally.....
Brendanonymous
The Orville, to its credit, drops so much 20/21st c. pop culture they call out its richness and then make a random 23rd c. reference to "Zorgo the jazz-o-sax player."
A Wombat
Because honestly, this schmuck?
He bought that PhD.
With daddy's money.
FancyShark
He's tenured!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This necklace is a big departure from this tribes usual dick-based jewellry
gellaho
"Peace out, bitches"
A Wombat
Is there a reason he didn't take her with him? Besides the obvious?
Like, he killed her husband and then claimed her in a way that no one else will want to have her because she belongs to God.
FancyShark
She had sex with him. Her purpose is complete.
A Wombat
Her life is probably going to suck from this point on.
LyraV 42Dukes
Yeah but then he'd have to like...talk to her and learn about her and stuff.
FlippantSausage
Miller thought " Miller Time continues unabated, its for everyone."
A Wombat
You're right, that's ridiculous.
gellaho
You know, lemon pudding crust. We're all familiar with that
Brendanonymous
Maybe in their society she's now a holy relic and all the men will line up until her blessed vagina knows its deserved holy pleasure.
A Wombat
I'm not sure that's not worse, but sure.
Brendanonymous
Hi, I'm Ice Honey Love, anime artist. Draw the above with your kids using circles and tubes.
FancyShark
Yeah, I've tried that line
A Wombat
So... where's Dorn from?
FancyShark
Murica
FlippantSausage
Dornopolis, circa 3040
gellaho
Miller steadfastly refuses to acknowledge his reality
A Wombat
Right. Is... is lemon pudding served with a hard crust in some part of this country I'm not aware of?
FancyShark
The analogies in this book are amazing
Brendanonymous
He got langoliered!
A Wombat
OH NO.
HIS BOOK IS BEING INVADED BY A MUCH BETTER AUTHOR'S BOOK.
FancyShark
YES!
THE TSUNAMI WAS WAITING FOR HIM!
FlippantSausage
"FREE TRIP TO TAHITI! MILLER TIME BITCHESSSSS!"
gellaho
This exact same thing happened before, but Miller is befuddled
FancyShark
"Huh. Weather."
LyraV 42Dukes
I enjoy that he shouted 'Home free!' after time freezing and the ominous radio message.
FlippantSausage
"There's no possible logical way this could happen twice. So it's obviously not happening."
gellaho
Tsunami: The Revenge
A Wombat
I would have thought short term memory a vital quality in someone flying a plane.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Did the author that wrote this part read the previous storm scene?
FancyShark
YEEEEESSSSSSS
FlippantSausage
Listening skills too.
A Wombat
Hang on.
Guys, I have it.
We've been wrong all this time.
The storm is the hero.
gellaho
Quite the gamble
FancyShark
Megalodons, I implore you: go for the buzzing thing just above the water!
gellaho
"CRA-ACK!" Went the big guns of the storm
FlippantSausage
I dont think "Fly real low" is the best idea for dealing with bad weather but then again, I'm not a qualified pilot.
A Wombat
Jump, sharks!
Brendanonymous
I just got here, and all I know about Miller is he murdered the only other outsider, seduced a woman, then abandoned her, taking with him the device keeping their culture alive. From this point in the story he is the villain.
A Wombat
Jump like you never jumped before!
FancyShark
You're caught up then
gellaho
Seems legit
FlippantSausage
Enjoy Neptunes cold embrace, Miller!
FancyShark
Tsunami's excited because it was hoping to see Cook again
FlippantSausage
In before he freezes time and walks to Tahiti.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
'bellowed' was an odd choice of word here
gellaho
What luck
A Wombat
I think it works.
Other dumb animals bellow.
FlippantSausage
It's more manly than "screamed girlishly"
FancyShark
The vehicles are lined up to watch him crash
A Wombat
Awww, the thief, murderer and seducer is going to make it.
Our hero, boys and girls.
gellaho
It did. The Artifact. And it was.
A Wombat
Ow.
If it was that heavy, I would think he'd have secured it better.
gellaho
For the people who missed last time, the first thing Yuki did upon meeting Miller was try to fuck him in Pirate's house
A Wombat
On his tiny plane.
A Wombat
Oh good.
FlippantSausage
To be fair I think it could probably increase it's weight as it likes.
A Wombat
I withdraw the charge.
FlippantSausage
That artifact is trying to fuck him up.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Should have got some bungee cords at the gas station he topped his plane off at
gellaho
They were also horrifically sacrificing people to the artifact, so they're probably better off without it
FancyShark
The Idiot and The Doomsday Device, this Fall on CBS
Brendanonymous
Klingons only have one means of expression. This character has Dornlungs.
A Wombat
I mean, I guess.
FlippantSausage
Hey a communal liquification is what brings a village together!
gellaho
Peace out, bitches
FancyShark
Boom-Crunch is a great cereal. Actually better than Lucky Charms
Brendanonymous
The artifact is God's clitoris, and it is wrathful at Dorn's neglect.
A Wombat
On the other hand, I'm pretty sure that now the artifact is in his hands, we're all much worse off.
So swings and roundabouts.
gellaho
This better be good, Dorn-Hemingway-Lindsay
FancyShark
"Surprise! Happy Birthday!"
A Wombat
A unicorn.
If it's not at least a unicorn, I will be disappointed.
FlippantSausage
Miller Time. Miller Time is what occurred.
FancyShark
A creature wearing the faces of all the dead Arab children he killed appears and gives him a kiss
A Wombat
That is the level of amazement I expect from you now, Dorn.
gellaho
Oh, reality flickered at the end of this. Not the half-dozen times it hit the ground before that
A Wombat
This would beat a unicorn.
gellaho
Everything that happened before reality flickering was perfectly reasonable
FancyShark
Idea: the thing the writers never had, yet also had too many of
A Wombat
Nope. The artifact doing what we were told it can and would do is not unicorn level.
FlippantSausage
It sounds like the authors were trying to convey "time is resetting" but got confused by a passing child with a ball and did "bouncing" instead.
LyraV 42Dukes
He saw all that from the pilots seat with his head turned through a hole in the back of his plane. Good eyes.
gellaho
Maybe the lightning hitting the Artifact going to fix this
FancyShark
FUCKER!
I mean
FLICKER!
gellaho
Oh, wait. Thirty lightning hits makes it worse
A Wombat
Okay, naked blue people.
I guess that counts.
FancyShark
He did see some Avatar Seanbabys though
FlippantSausage
Naked blue people might have been okay, he can liquify a few of them and fuck the rest.
gellaho
Ahuh
FancyShark
maaaaaan
gellaho
I bet Vaseline paid a lot for this
A Wombat
So, how many drugs was Dorn on?
Brendanonymous
That's just a Yondu. What you describe is a planet of Yonsdu.
A Wombat
Let's take bets.
FancyShark
I want that story more than this one
A Wombat
I knew I wouldn't have to correct your grammar.
Yonsdu is the plural of Yondu.
FancyShark
Yes
LyraV 42Dukes
Because nothing bursts with flavor like dirt.
gellaho
Ah, but the runway is still there. Convenient
FlippantSausage
Got them rich flavor crystals.
A Wombat
Maybe he's developed pica.
And synaesthesia.
FlippantSausage
I keep thinking his plane is fucked, didnt part of it get exploded by lightning?
gellaho
Now time travel? Don't be ridiculous
FancyShark
That's right. Fly right at a group of innocent people in your plane, Miller. Nothing you've done in the past should make you hesitate to do that.
A Wombat
No, that was before the magic.
gellaho
Clearly
FlippantSausage
Well no matter, he's in the future now, hes going to have to fuck a morlock to get out of this jam.
A Wombat
At least two morlocks.
FancyShark
"It doesn't have to be a morlock-"
"Nope. Them's the rules."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He also needs to convince some morlocks he's a god
A Wombat
Also, he caused this by tampering with the desert island murder people.
They now rule the universe.
And sacrifice people to Ku.
FancyShark
Airports: They show the future
A Wombat
Still.
Brendanonymous
YOU MANIACS YOU GREW IT UP
A Wombat
He made everything worse for everyone!
Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!
gellaho
It didn't survive multiple falls from great height and multiple lighting strikes? They don't make future space artifacts like they used to
Brendanonymous
Every time I take a return flight I'm going to step off and think, "Clearly he was in the future."
FlippantSausage
Pfffffffft in my day mysterious space artifacts from the future could take a beating, these ones are basically made of sandalwood.
FancyShark
Oh darn. Intergalactic war thing broke.
FlippantSausage
cheap Chinese made space artifact knockoffs.
A Wombat
Well, I knew he was going to fuck this up.
FlippantSausage
Fairs fair, they are likea third of the price of the genuine article.
A Wombat
But not in this exact way.
gellaho
Maybe my seamaps will reveal the clues the crazy future man left
FancyShark
I have to leave for a bit to feed a friend's cats. I hope you're all still sane when I get back.
A Wombat
Never was!
Hahaha
sobbing
gellaho
Suddenly, the hunter
FlippantSausage
Someplace "odd people could do their business without attracting attention"............so hes going to Portland?
CENTAUR! CENTAUR!
CMON CENTAUR!
Brendanonymous
What year is this book? The state of infrastructure, he might have just been gone a week.
gellaho
Miller tries to get out of saving this woman
FancyShark
1997
Brendanonymous
gasp
our TREKKIEST YEAR
FlippantSausage
Miller if you hear screams at fraternity parties that does not mean the screaming is not a bad sign.
Miller, I know its 1997 and all but we knew what screams meant back then.
gellaho
Come on, man, act casual around the screaming woman. Gotta be cool
A Wombat
I don't know
His track record with saving things and people isn't great.
Brendanonymous
I can appreciate he's thinking logically.
It will kill him.
A Wombat
This woman may end up struck by lightning fifty times.
And then explode.
FlippantSausage
He should have left logic in Yukis vag where it belongs, hes in Time War territory now.
gellaho
Check the redhead box
FlippantSausage
Shits going down and theres no time for logic!
Sweet! Future Celts!
And a redhead!
A Wombat
There are all sorts of reasons for people to be painted blue.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The collective noun for a group of men is a clot, apparently
Brendanonymous
Why even try to get home?
FlippantSausage
Could be football fans.
A Wombat
They could be football fans.
gellaho
This is what you call a real Time Blender
A Wombat
Oh.
FlippantSausage
Fuck yeah this book got awesome!
Time Samurai!
A Wombat
He's on the Deadliest Warrior set.
Okay.
Brendanonymous
The Artifact only cultivates warriors from time.
A Wombat
Next, vikings.
Brendanonymous
It's building a time army
A Wombat
Vs ninjas.
FlippantSausage
TIME VIKINGS!
Brendanonymous
Yeah, Vikings or Spartans
gellaho
"Hey, she's your problem now"
A Wombat
Celts in blue warpaint.
FlippantSausage
Theres worse problems to have than a sexy redheaded Celtic lady.
LyraV 42Dukes
Does she get clothes this time?
A Wombat
Well known for speaking Latin.
Famous for it.
Brendanonymous
Luxe redhead is the best housewarming gift.
A Wombat
No.
She's just going to be naked.
You know the drill.
FlippantSausage
Maybe a torc and a smile.
gellaho
Apparently, Miller decides that one of the samurai is "The Samurai"
gellaho
She's got a robe. Better than the paint the decapitated dude was rocking
Brendanonymous
Oh shit, that means he owns the redhead now.
FlippantSausage
I call bullshit, this samurai is INAUTHENTIC Mr. Dorn! He would have used a bow or a spear from horseback!
A Wombat
That is how redhead ownership is transferred.
Brendanonymous
She was held in trust until the Celt turned 18 (kills)
A Wombat
We all know that.
LyraV 42Dukes
Until we get the knives out.
gellaho
Apparently Miller is flying Wonder Woman's invisible jet
A Wombat
In fairness, there's no reason why they would want to get involved with Miller.
gellaho
Samurai fucking love Hulk Hogan mustaches
FlippantSausage
Samurai are notoriously unappreciative of sexy redheads.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He hung the moustache from the saddle?
A Wombat
Maybe cultural osmosis has turned the samurai into head hunters.
And the Celts now recite poetry.
FlippantSausage
Nah you gotta bring the taisho the heads of the warriors you kill so you can properly be rewarded.
gellaho
Time for revenge magic
FlippantSausage
Its like pokemon.
But for decapitation.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
the ones with moustaches count double
gellaho
Revenge magic is ineffective
A Wombat
Okay, so now it's a fantasy story.
FlippantSausage
You want a head with a nice stache or a good beard for extra grabby handles.
A Wombat
... So, uh.
This is still Tahiti right?
So far as we know?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Future Tahiti, with celts and samurai
FlippantSausage
Yeah some Pacific island at least.
Famous haunts of Celts and samurai.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
all we know about the samurai is that they prize moustached heads
A Wombat
Tahiti isn't exactly a big place. Where are all these warring iron age tribes living?
gellaho
The future Tahitian redheaded celtic witch is taking the random appearance of a black archeologist well
A Wombat
Also not readily available on Tahiti? Iron.
LyraV 42Dukes
We all know he manifests gasoline when he needs it so there's no worry there.
A Wombat
Metal in general, really.
I smell shenanigans.
gellaho
Hold up, are you trying to tell me something about this doesn't make sense?
Hmmmmmmm, I don't know
FlippantSausage
It is the future so they've probably repurposed stuff?
A Wombat
Look it's just a minor point.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It all seemed so plausible up until now
A Wombat
I'm sure he'll put it all back together.
FlippantSausage
Im pretty sure when the artifact broke so did like all of time and space.
gellaho
I'm sure the burning gasoline would have barely affected him, sure
FlippantSausage
Its Civ 5 rules now.
gellaho
Like some kind of Time Blender
Brendanonymous
This woman is the Horse Whisperer of Curses
A Wombat
Can you kill someone with a flare gun?
Like, for real?
gellaho
If they're covered in gasoline
Brendanonymous
Ended the third dimension, scored a hot redhead, net positive day.
FlippantSausage
You can kill someone with just about anything if you apply it enthusiastically.
Brendanonymous
I once killed a man with kindness.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He knows it's hot enough to burn fuel, he singed his dick with it
gellaho
Or if they roll around in gasoline
FlippantSausage
I tend to prefer hammers, but everyone has their own preferences.
A Wombat
It's not the first time it's come up to me, so I was curious.
gellaho
"WHY ISN'T STOP, DROP, AND ROLL WORKING!!!!!"
LyraV 42Dukes
Remember folks, Miller is no murderer.
FlippantSausage
"SHIGERU IS ON FIRE? HE SCREAMED? SHAMEFUL DISPLAY!"
Please read that in the voice of the Shogun 2 voice over fella.
gellaho
"Oh, my skull"
A Wombat
Yes, that's the appropriate response.
FlippantSausage
She is trying to figure out if hes a sorcerer or a total fuckwit.
gellaho
Green, like the color cats are
A Wombat
If there's one thing we've learned from books, he can be both.
FlippantSausage
"And smacked her palm into the goose egg."
LyraV 42Dukes
Still not like...speaking though.
gellaho
The way she kept running unarmed at Samurai signaled intelligence
Brendanonymous
My cat has yellow-green eyes, which I guess is the hazel of cats
gellaho
She comes from Druidia
FlippantSausage
IS beautiful but SEEMS intelligent.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
LyraV 42Dukes
Making a lot of assumptions here Miller.
FlippantSausage
Wow deep Celtic cut there with Mara.
Brendanonymous
Eolas died so that Miller could fuck so that Mara could climax
gellaho
Tony Miller: able to easily identify a torc, unable to recognize the sound of bagpipes
gellaho
FlippantSausage
The ghost writers would have had an aneurism trying to figure out how to spell Niamh or something correctly.
Brendanonymous
Claymoor vs. katana
gellaho
Well, I guess the bagpipes won the day.
FlippantSausage
Good for her talking down to this obvious idiot.
I like her already.
gellaho
Yeah, that's certainly the weirdest thing that's happened
A Wombat
Mara. I give him a C.
Brendanonymous
Oh shit, we found a reverse Hodor.
OPEN THE DOOOOOOOR
FlippantSausage
A Rodoh if you will.
Brendanonymous
Oppidaaaaaaaa
Missed my connection to Tahiti, had a lovely time in Sciretland
gellaho
Samurai hate herbs
gellaho
Love Hulk Hogan mustaches, hate herbs
Brendanonymous
But the girl appeared to be suffering from a bacterial infection
FlippantSausage
One of the five things I know about Japan is that, yes, weed is SUPER duper illegal.
Brendanonymous
THE PLANE! That was it!
FlippantSausage
SO this is accurate.
Brendanonymous
Miller tossed open the first aid kit: There! Right below the antibiotics: CONDOMS!
gellaho
Plenty of time to party again
Brendanonymous
To the side, Eolas's mother softly wept.
FlippantSausage
Exactly what he would need to carry water to rehydrate after fucking!
Brendanonymous
Oh yeah, you timeblend, you don't wrap it up.
You sire an entire planet.
FlippantSausage
Raw dogging across time and space, cos its MILLER TIME!
Brendanonymous
I mean syph wasn't even an STD at that point, you could get it shaking hands, why bother protecting just the junk?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Just in case you're part of a time loop and need to be your own ancestor
gellaho
Miller is more worried about returning the Artifact to the future space dudes than him being stuck in the Time Blender
FlippantSausage
Being like 3\5ths of your own family tree prevents chrono-disjunction!
gellaho
Fuck you, Celts. Your beer is sad
FlippantSausage
Fuck you Miller! They just know you suck and aren't worth the good stuff!
Brendanonymous
I wonder how many generations have to pass before your great^x grandkids are basically no different from a third cousin.
Like at what point does Vandal Savage get to date again?
gellaho
I wonder why the black man feels a sense of foreigness among the ancient Celts.
gellaho
I can quite put my finger on why that would be
I'm sure Miller will figure it out
Brendanonymous
warm and flat, just like UC spring break
Brendanonymous
Because they're the first white people to not be a little bit shitty to him.
FlippantSausage
He's not one of those damn Time Samurai or a Roman, so he seems cool. SEEMS cool.
gellaho
Riker would be very sad to hear you say that
FlippantSausage
He's not balls deep in their druid yet.
gellaho
An old man tells a story via coughing
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This is just a travelogue of Miller getting drunk and contaminating cultures
Miller mistakes a scottish accent for coughing, which, fair.
FlippantSausage
Miller is now introduced to the ancient Celtic practice called "acting"
Brendanonymous
This happened 1000 years before Riker
gellaho
The old man somehow tells a song-story about what just happened. He's the greatest man in the world once again
gellaho
I think you are forgetting we're in the TIME BLENDER
Brendanonymous
They don't know what the Artifact is and drinking beer is what Celtic heroes do.
Later, Mara would squat in a gully and create a river of menses to thwart the samurai. From its banks would spring the one known only as Millargh
...that joke will only make sense to Wombat
gellaho
She wasn't an uggo, like all the Berkeley druids he knew
Brendanonymous
My dude, Yuki won't be born for 700 years.
She's the past AND the future.
Also, pretty sure you said bye.
FlippantSausage
When they tell the story he will probably be at least nine feet tall and his bones will rotate in his skin.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Most recent conclusions jumped to: Miller thinks the celts revere him as a hero and consider it a foregone conclusion that Mara is going to bone him
Brendanonymous
So a fun fact about the Celtic women was they enjoyed a very modern sexual liberation, and perhaps one with more advantages over ours despite obvious contraceptive/abortifacient disadvantages.
gellaho
Simon Hawke ghostwrote a sentence here
FlippantSausage
She spoke, moistly.
Brendanonymous
I read a tale of some Celtic queen being agog that Jute women or Saxon or some gunk didn't sample men before picking one.
She felt legitimately bad for this lady, like "You buy the fruit without giving it a squeeze?"
gellaho
A celtic thief? Unthinkable!
FlippantSausage
Queen Maeve could reputedly outfuck a guy who was famous for not fucking less than seven women at a time.
Brendanonymous
...God, I miss dating a redhead.
LyraV 42Dukes
Oh they all say that until we get a wee bit stabby then the crying starts.
FlippantSausage
If you cant take a somewhat perforated epidermis then you don't deserve a redhead.
gellaho
Miller has a dream vision. Prattles on about how it can't be real, then realizes it might be real
gellaho
Miller has already forgotten about the ruins of the Tahitian air control tower
gellaho
And the Samurai
LyraV 42Dukes
Also the plot
FlippantSausage
Also he totally forgot he has maps?
And that like....Northern Europe has been there for like......a real long time.
gellaho
His airplane exploded, so the maps are gone
When the samurai went up the plane didn't survive
FlippantSausage
I'm sure he can just condense a new one like he did with the cans of gas.
Or maybe find one in the airport.
gellaho
I knew it was the goddamned hippies all along
FlippantSausage
Okay yeah he's got us there.
If someone wanted to like undo time itself, California would be the place to start.
gellaho
Working a little worse than when he was making up Polynesian earlier
Jaime
I've not read this book, but first of all, I find it VERY suspect that β€œCeltic people” are entirely wonderful and gentle and would NEVER EVER STEAL THINGS FROM A WEIRD GUY WHO SHOWED UP OUT OF NOWHERE NOPE. πŸ˜‰
FlippantSausage
Now she's just fucking with him, she heard what he said.
LyraV 42Dukes
I'm starting to feel like this whole book is just about everyone being less cool and eloquent than Dorn.
Tony, I mean Tony
Jaime
I'm from the East Coast, but even so I expect the stereotype of West Coast people who worship crystals and have ashrams and are Buddhists and regularly visit Area 51 might…not be completely accurate. But then again HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M NOT AN ALIEN IN A HUMAN SKIN? πŸ‘½
Brendanonymous
Have you heard of a state called Oklahoma?
gellaho
Tony somehow gets them to take him to the Tahitian coast. Which is icy, as well all know
gellaho
Where they encounter a suspicious bush
FlippantSausage
Oklahoma just makes you WANT to end existence, if you live in Oklahoma you are too depressed to really work up to doing it. Plus you have to spend all that time putting your Doom Tesseract back together after the tornado spreads it from hell to breakfast.
Brendanonymous
See, I gave it the benefit, too, but then I visited Malibu and Big Sur.
gellaho
What is this, some kind of Time Blender?
Brendanonymous
I dunno, OKC and Tulsa seem pretty banging, but my cousin had to flee their war on educators and this week the governor said only non-pregnant women can get abortions.
FlippantSausage
Guess the temperature kind of shoots down it being Berkeley, huh, Miller? FAmously icy Berkeley?
Brendanonymous
The bay can get cold!
Especially to homeless people.
Which I guess Miller is.
gellaho
Well, say goodbye to the Celts.
Jaime
I WISH you were joking. 😒
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The necklace is going to be like that one item in a sierra adventure game you have to keep with you the whole game.
FlippantSausage
And never does anything because its part of the copy protection you did at the start.
gellaho
Once alone, Tony Miller falls off a cliff? Off time?
gellaho
FlippantSausage
AGH! BETRAYED BY MY LACK OF GETTING A LIGHT! CURSE YOU DARKNESS!
gellaho
Suddenly, graffiti
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He just Mr Magoo'd his way into another primitive culture to fuck up
gellaho
Ancient Egyptian, 3-D graffiti
FlippantSausage
Osiris being a huge Zoids fan.
Brendanonymous
@A Wombat -- how many of your academic friends are Osiris weebs?
gellaho
Suddenly, comic books
Brendanonymous
Because I got a couple numbers from being able to name the Eye of Horus on girls' shoulder tattoos.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Miller sees an ankh and assumes ancient Egyptians, and not goths.
gellaho
Australian comic books
A Wombat
None of them are that interesting, unfortunately.
LyraV 42Dukes
Celts and Cockneys
FlippantSausage
One of the less known D&D spin offs.
A Wombat
But I know two people who argued over how accurate Gods of Egypt was.
gellaho
Australian comic book bullies
FlippantSausage
"Its totally impossible I just tripped and fell in the dark, these suspiciously accented persons must have pushed me!"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The future Aussie tosses his can of Victoria bitter aside and goes to fuck up Miller.
Brendanonymous
These Australians feel like a British strain.
gellaho
Possessed Australian comic book gangbangers
FlippantSausage
Throwing vocab shade too.
Intellectuals they are.
gellaho
Egyptian-Australian possessed comic book gangbangers
Jaime
I teach English, and from now on I PROMISE to tell my students: β€œYou need to build up your word-power, you do!” πŸ˜›
FlippantSausage
If 90s thugs could appreciate anything it was Osiris, God of the Dead and Lord of Postmortem cummies.
gellaho
I'm sure Miller's bronze knife will defeat this laser knife
Brendanonymous
"Now tha fehst thing you'd bloody waaaall better know about us is we DON'T DRINK FOSTER'S HERE, ya cunt."
Hi, Australia, I know your heart.
FlippantSausage
Australian laser knife!
RAD!
Brendanonymous
Some sort of saber made of light.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Now that is a knife.
Paul Hogan, get fucked
gellaho
Well, something happened. And he's passed out
FlippantSausage
Also this is the part where that OG Star Trek music kicks in. You know the one.
Brendanonymous
You don't know these aren't both Paul Hogan pulled from different times.
gellaho
Interesante
Brendanonymous
Simon Hawke is buying what Dorn is selling.
FlippantSausage
Yes I too have the problem where I pass out and ejaculate when an Aussie with a laser knife tries to gut me.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That song was such a banger.
gellaho
So ponderous are my arms
gellaho
I always call my wounds moist spots
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Man, finding out what the wetness is is always going to be unpleasant.
Brendanonymous
Hey, mara's back!
gellaho
Also, the ancient Celts are back. Somehow
FlippantSausage
She followed him thru time!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
And off a cliff?
Brendanonymous
Maybe it's kisses from Mara's moist lips
FlippantSausage
The faithful redheaded witch, man's best friend.
gellaho
So, actual magic then? Ok
gellaho
I guess why not
FlippantSausage
Or she has a secret laser knife and is cauterizing his wounds and he's too numb to feel pain.
LyraV 42Dukes
If they're not careful she might develop an actual personality and speak a sentence or something.
FlippantSausage
But its probably magic.
Sexy sexy magic.
That she does moistly.
gellaho
I guess the future Australians found this cave? That Miller somehow was brought to?
FlippantSausage
I've decided that since Zoid is a person, its a punk version of Zoidberg from Futurama.
Also this is hardly a problem, Mara will probably fuck them up.
LyraV 42Dukes
Zoid is always talking that shite.
gellaho
Giants can't resist redheads with ancient knives
FlippantSausage
Who can?
gellaho
He becomes very hornily detracted
Brendanonymous
Zoid is the Australian overmind megaprocessor in a converted Sydney Opera House. It stands for "Ztruth! Oi, Dekho"
FlippantSausage
The fuck kind of exclamation is "Eee-Hah"?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Michael Dorn thinks it's Australian.
gellaho
What? Knives can stab? Why didn't anyone tell me!
FlippantSausage
Is Millers hearing cutting out and this guy just did a yeehaw?
Brendanonymous
Kek kek kek
LyraV 42Dukes
No notes
FlippantSausage
Hahahahah I said shed fuck them up.
Brendanonymous
Lyra called the stabbing before Chekhov's dagger even showed up.
gellaho
Secret weapon: attack with more than one person
FlippantSausage
God I love that every 90s gang had to have a guy named Spider or something to be taken seriously.
It's so very The Crow.
gellaho
And some fun necrophilia
FlippantSausage
"Nobody asked you? Do you understand what is happening here?"
gellaho
The reality talent show The Voice tells Miller to pretend to be a god
LyraV 42Dukes
'I'm all set!' shouts Miller as he's stabbed to death
Brendanonymous
Spider:gangs::Deke:special forces
gellaho
Miller overcomes the huge obstacle of chapped lips to prevent this sexual assault
FlippantSausage
Okay of all the gods to impersonate, the god with a dogish head seems the easiest to disprove.
Brendanonymous
Future he-men are so superstitious
gellaho
For certs, good-o
Brendanonymous
Actually I met a Zoroastrian girl at the bar once after goggling at/IDing her Ahura Mazda tattoo, so maybe Australians just dig old-time religions
gellaho
Only healthy ice for Michael Dorn
FlippantSausage
Going thru biomes like its fucking Minecraft.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Everybody knows your dirt will rust if you leave it out in the rain
Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie
It happened in Australia
FlippantSausage
And you never can quite get the rust out of your dirt after that.
gellaho
Osiris got some thicc rifles
FlippantSausage
Miller, a thick rifle is called a cannon. I know you're an anthropologist so I forgive you.
Brendanonymous
If you can just dodge all the lunatics with blades, life in the time-blender sounds sweet.
gellaho
Miller's a genius
Brendanonymous
You've got redheads, you've got BBQ boar, the seasons are gorgeous and every few minutes.
gellaho
It's 99.5% lunatics with blades
FlippantSausage
And laser knives!
To be fair a few days ago Miller had a Gravity Smusher Box so if he had just done his due diligence with the bungee cords he'd be Lord Humongous in no time.
gellaho
Future liquid
Brendanonymous
This is the worst time blend.
FlippantSausage
"PIPES? LIQUID? WHAT FUTURE SORCERY IS THIS!?"
LyraV 42Dukes
No Samurai here....yet.
gellaho
The Luxor has equipped itself with future pipes
FlippantSausage
I'm gonna need a samurai with a laser katana up ins.
These futuristic gang members have a sweet setup!
fucking pyramid and everything!
Brendanonymous
That's just a Jedi.
LyraV 42Dukes
Future Sauron is pleased with all this.
gellaho
Future car liquid
FlippantSausage
It's like the TMNT movie with the Foot Clan headquarters being all rad, do they got any cigarettes?
gellaho
Toilet transportation
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Regular or menthol?
FlippantSausage
And do they have Narc?
gellaho
The inefficiency of this transport bothers Miller
gellaho
Because the rest seems fine
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
To be fair it is an exceptionally stupid method of transportation
FlippantSausage
Miller is really not appreciating the radness of his surroundings properly.
gellaho
They loot for the love of looting, not the actual looted items
FlippantSausage
Also he needs to understand, he's going to have his heart jerked out and weighed soon.
And since he liquified that dude, its deffo gonna weigh more than a feather.
LyraV 42Dukes
This is such densely packed nonsense I fucking love it.
gellaho
Miller forgot the whole deal with the Artifact exploding
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
To say nothing of all those kids.
FlippantSausage
Hmmm......its like these periods of history are.....merging together in some kind of CronoMix?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Miller has an extremely poor short term memory.
gellaho
Engage dumb thug protocols
gellaho
@FancyShark always misses the sharks
FlippantSausage
It would have to be crocodiles to stay on theme.
But sharks are cooler.
gellaho
He recognized Osiris from all the ancient Egyptian photographs
Brendanonymous
if the water swirls in the time-blender does it do it clockwise or counter-clockwise or does it depend on if the Australian GMO hunks flush it?
Wait, this is Stargate
Dorn just smashed a Star Trek episode pitch into a Stargate pitch
FlippantSausage
Three years after Stargate happened!
So he was like "Well I have this movie Idea but I got beat to the punch....."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He was hoping for a writer credit on SG-1
FlippantSausage
"Might as well use that TNG cred."
gellaho
I think this three-headed beast of a writing team confused Osiris with Horus
FlippantSausage
Oh for SHAME!
I expected better research from Worf.
gellaho
Well known invertibrate, the hawk
FancyShark
DAMMIT!
FlippantSausage
And this ruins my "Lord of Postmortem Cummies" joke.
LyraV 42Dukes
That floppy boneless grace.
FlippantSausage
Boneless, moist grace.
FancyShark
What'd I miss? Flaccid Egyptian gods?
gellaho
This Osiris really gave up the ghost quick
gellaho
Fuck, man
There are Australian gang Egyptians with future technology, Celts, Samurai
We are in the Time Blender
FlippantSausage
They put "bio" in front of genetic, that's how you know its scientific and futury
FancyShark
daaaaaaamn
FlippantSausage
THE CRONOSMOOTHIES SHALL BE READY SHORTLY!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Dorn learned that from star trek
FlippantSausage
EONS SHALL PASS AND ALSO NO TIME AT ALL BEFORE THE EPOCHAL MARGARITAS ARE FINISHED!
LyraV 42Dukes
He found another intelligent and beautiful woman who can't speak his language but is drawn to MIchael, I mean Miller.
FancyShark
lol
of course
gellaho
"I mean, you're supposed to look like a regular dude and not a hawk-man. And I'm supposed to have a dog head, but let's get this myth right"
gellaho
Oy, guv, this sure is weird
FancyShark
Yew been oll barmy, eh wot?
LyraV 42Dukes
"Because your water tube society sucks Osiris"
gellaho
Five foot laser blade seems dangerous
FancyShark
Weapon set to "copyright infringement"
gellaho
Oh, right. There was another person
FlippantSausage
USE YOUR CHI! MILLER! USE YOUR CHIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
FancyShark
Did he explain he's tenured?
gellaho
Oh, no, hologram
gellaho
LyraV 42Dukes
I think he's forgotten what he's supposed to be doing at this point.
gellaho
Who could have forseen that the hawk-headed man was an illusion!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
A hawk headed man is perfect mundane, but a non corporeal hawk headed man?
Madness
FancyShark
Bigbird 9000
gellaho
How can the non corporeal man go through doors
FlippantSausage
Im beginning to think someone got confused and forgot Miller is a anthropology professor and now thinks he is a Conan expy.
gellaho
So outrageous for the man who can phase through the laser sword go through doors
FlippantSausage
Just stumbling dick first into everything.
FancyShark
His classes must be fun
gellaho
If only I were the Roadrunner
FlippantSausage
"BAH! More of your future sorcery!"
LyraV 42Dukes
WHY IS OSIRIS TRYING TO KILL ME?
gellaho
Ah, secret door
gellaho
Pointless secret door
FancyShark
Bumps right into Shaggy and Scooby
FlippantSausage
Man fuck this goddam book for injuring Mara by making her run into a wall like its the Three Stooges.
FancyShark
Osiris taunts like a TV hostage taker
gellaho
I guess why not at this point
FlippantSausage
Of course.
FancyShark
Sure. That might as well happen.
FlippantSausage
You HAVE to have a proper pit trap.
Its like a rule.
gellaho
Plenty of time to perv
FlippantSausage
If Miller doesn't wrassle a robot snake or a crocodile im gonna be sad.
FancyShark
"Wow! You're not fat or old!"
"Uh, Miller? The angry god?"
gellaho
"Oh, right, the sharks. I'm so forgetful"
FancyShark
Yayyy!
FlippantSausage
dun dun. dun dun.....dundundundundun.....
gellaho
Mara appreciates the shark impression
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Being distracted from mortal danger by tits is a running theme here.
FancyShark
I'd certainly rather think about tits than dying
gellaho
Miller doubts the authenticity of a warding amulet, despite everything
FlippantSausage
Fuck you Miller, she has done ACTUAL MAGIC to YOU!
FancyShark
It's some of Adam West's shark repellant
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
After anime week I don't like 'young' used as a description of a sex object
gellaho
She's very excited to meet this shark
gellaho
FlippantSausage
Off theme for Egyptian shit, but sharks ARE cooler.
LyraV 42Dukes
It's monocle glistening in the light.
FancyShark
Yeah. Smart and sexy ladies are always eager to meet sharks, according to the ads I get
FlippantSausage
She's gonna end up riding that fucker.
gellaho
Seems legit
gellaho
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Don't tell the samurai about the sharks moustache, they'll try to decapitate it.
FancyShark
oh man, one of my ancestors fucked an orca?
FlippantSausage
NEW FRIEND GET!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Mara rolled a natural 20 on Soothe Beast
gellaho
Someone let the dolphins mate with the sharks
FancyShark
HOW DID YOU FIND THAT FOLDER, DORN?!
I mean, uh...
That's weird
FlippantSausage
It was just going to happen, the feud between shark and dolphin would have to produce a pair of star crossed lovers at some point.
gellaho
I'm pretty sure something that large can't do that trick
FancyShark
Romeo and CHOMPCHOMP is one of my favorite plays
FlippantSausage
And the guards were watching the whole fucking time.
gellaho
Thanks for explaining, Miller
FlippantSausage
Cos like.........the fuck do you do when your guard whale decides it has a new best friend?
FancyShark
They didn't attack because they didn't want to get caught in the blood spray, Miller!
FlippantSausage
God......Miller you dipshit, they KNOW SHES THE MONSTERS NEW BUDDY!
gellaho
So, did Osiris get lost or what
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I love how Miller assumed they were getting out of his way and not mara's
FlippantSausage
It doesnt HAVE to be divinity, it can just be fear of pissing off the critter with gnashing teeth.
FancyShark
OSIRIS WILL HAVE VENGEANCE ONCE THIS DOOR HANDLE COOPERATES!
dammit, do you have to push or...?
FlippantSausage
And so.........does the 1997 anthropology professor or the bronze age witch know how to drive a submarine?
FancyShark
Well, he flew in Desert Storm
So, no
FlippantSausage
Fuck it tho, give the wheel to Mara, shes already doing great.
gellaho
Probably should have expected that
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Miller starts up the sub and immediately obliterates a group of kids.
FlippantSausage
She is entirely correct to treat Miller like he's a baby.
FancyShark
I hope this hellish future is all because he never informed Cook's son about his father's death
FancyShark
"WHERE WERE THEY KEEPING THEM?!"
gellaho
Squidsub, sure
FlippantSausage
Sweet.
In the hands of a competent writer some of this book would be amazing.
FancyShark
Now it's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
FlippantSausage
I'm very pro squid sub.
gellaho
I feel like if the chair is breaking, you'd have much bigger problems before then
FlippantSausage
It reminds me of Dreadfleet and its little mini what is literally a steel squid ship.
LyraV 42Dukes
Osiris, well known for his fleet of submarines.
FancyShark
For exploring the oceans of...Egypt
FlippantSausage
I like how Mara has picked up more English than Miller has......lets say Gaelic or whatever.
gellaho
And I am a moron
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Mara is speaking English, she just had a really thick Scottish accent.
FancyShark
It's a Fisher-Price driving wheel. The actual controls are over by Mara
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Mara is doing the thing where you give your younger sibling the second controller while playing a single player game
gellaho
Sure, why not
FlippantSausage
This is her book now.
Fuck yeah, flying submarine!
FancyShark
But they're underwater...
FlippantSausage
NOW FLYING SQUIDMARINE!
FancyShark
Miller, did you kill us?
Wait, I think I've got it
This is one of Brockway's CYADFAs
gellaho
How much experimentation do you need to find the non-lethal speed?
FancyShark
He ran over so many dolphins before he found cruising speed
Or eagles, the dolphins of the sky
gellaho
Miller confident that he knows where he is
FlippantSausage
Miller, you have to pilot a hoversub like you live the rest of your life, full throttle and break the handle the fuck off.
FancyShark
Sure, California or Mexico. They're right next to Tahiti
FlippantSausage
And Northern Europe.
All in approximately the same area.
LyraV 42Dukes
Miller did it as he did all things, effortlessly, perfectly and without any thought or reason.
FlippantSausage
And moistly.
FancyShark
And without Cook
gellaho
How big could the west coast of the Americas be?
FancyShark
Safely covered the Pacific Ocean but still had enough time to notice the Golden Gate Bridge was missing before plowing into a mountain
gellaho
Back for seconds
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Everything he's seen definitely indicates normal earth geography
FlippantSausage
I'm glad he's figured out where he's going because I forgot that he had someplace to be.
Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie
joke's on him he overshot it and landed in the Sacramento Delta
crashed his sub in a rice paddy
FlippantSausage
One, Mara fucks who Mara likes. Two, it ain't you Miller.
FancyShark
"He'd become used to her face"
Dorn, you hopeless romantic
FlippantSausage
Yet.
gellaho
What!? A ship in the Time Blender? Impossible!
FlippantSausage
My dude when you wanna end a relationship with a woman on a submarine, all you have to do is push.
FancyShark
Time Pirates!
Brendanonymous
What happened after stabbing?
FancyShark
Apparently Egypt?
gellaho
That's what you should do when encountering a whaling ship. Dive.
FlippantSausage
He was confounded by the trickery of Osiris!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They stole a submarine from an Egyptian god
LyraV 42Dukes
They successfully escaped Osiris and his fleet of air subs.
FancyShark
They stole the Nautilus and befriended an orca/shark hybrid
FlippantSausage
Mara continues to be rad.
gellaho
What? A harpoon? Who could have foreseen!
FancyShark
Oh shit, Liddy's after them!
FlippantSausage
Man we need to send Liddy some kind of gift basket or edible arrangement after this week.
FancyShark
I think she's going to get so much revenge on Brockway at some point
gellaho
The water stopped after they reached the surface? Weird
FancyShark
Sounds like witchcraft
FlippantSausage
Its almost like they were in some kind of.....UNDERWATER BOAT!?
Brendanonymous
They got a sub!?
FancyShark
Fuck yeah they did!
FlippantSausage
From Osiris!
FancyShark
And it turns into a hovercraft!
Brendanonymous
Was it the real Osiris?
FlippantSausage
Lord of Submarines.
NO!
They got his head wrong!
gellaho
An Australian computer voice tells him where the slurp button is
FlippantSausage
It was a double fake Osiris!
With an australian accent.
Aussiris.
LyraV 42Dukes
Osiris lived in the city from Flushed Away for some reason
Brendanonymous
Wasn't the Moon Knight hippo goddess Australian too?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Osiris was an Australian hologram with the wrong animal head
gellaho
Wakka wakka
FlippantSausage
I'm still really mad they fucked up the head!
OSIRIS HAS A HUMAN HEAD! MICHAEL DORN!
GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!
LyraV 42Dukes
Miller do you think they weren't trying to catch whales but maybe sky subs?
FancyShark
"Speaking of thick cables..."
"We're about to die."
FlippantSausage
Also fuck Miller for assuming Mara is going to panic at some point.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
When all you have is a harpoon gun, everything looks like a whale.
gellaho
Well, sharks round two
FancyShark
YES!
SAVE MARA! KILL MILLER!
FlippantSausage
Sweet!
gellaho
I have no idea why this is in this book
FlippantSausage
Also this went from "Subs and harpoons" to "EXPLOSION" so quickly!
FancyShark
Miller then realizes all the pirates were children
FlippantSausage
Miller really needs to learn the principle of "Fuck that guy, they harpooned my flying submarine."
gellaho
Well, now he's got a bunch of sailors
FlippantSausage
You harpoon my sub, killing you is morally and karmically neutral.
FancyShark
Feeding a shark redeems you enough to avoid ball torture in hell
FlippantSausage
Also Mara is a shark whisperer so I'm sure if you ask her she can save them.
gellaho
Make sure to introduce new redheads late in your book
FlippantSausage
"BOO HOO I BLEW UP YOUR SHIT IN A RAD FIREBALL!"
FancyShark
I read that as "Captain Grover" and got very excited
gellaho
Oops, there go more sailors
FlippantSausage
Aw that would have been rad.
gellaho
And there goes Miller
LyraV 42Dukes
The murder tally is getting up there.
FancyShark
"Oooh, right, the wave of teeth and screams"
Woop!
gellaho
Fair enough
FancyShark
hahaha, scooped you, Dorn!
FlippantSausage
Mara πŸ‘ Has πŸ‘ it πŸ‘ Covered πŸ‘
gellaho
Good thing there were more morons to pilot the sub
FlippantSausage
Tho maybe she will take up with Captain Grover and make lovely ginger babies with a stalwart man of the sea?
gellaho
Ah, Zeus
FlippantSausage
Just......anyone but Miller.
FancyShark
Fuck you, Zeus!
gellaho
Time to jump to some conclusions
FancyShark
How dare you, Miller
Mara knows what a Hitler is
FlippantSausage
STOP HIS DUMB ASS HEART WITH WITCHCRAFT!
gellaho
The world's most unnecessarily complicated plan
FlippantSausage
Yeah threaten the shark lady at open sea, you fucknut.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Miller finds time traveling alien more believable than competent woman
FlippantSausage
She fucking stabbed that dude in front of you, you think she cant take you?
gellaho
Seems like a weird detail, but fine
FancyShark
Oh, she's Gal Gadot
FlippantSausage
🀨 Thats a hell of a jump from Gaelic.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Okay. Maybe she does look Druish.
FancyShark
It's that Irish part of Israel
gellaho
MICHAEL DORN TONY MILLER IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN IN HISTORY
FancyShark
"We need you to kill a bunch of children."
"I was made for this."
FlippantSausage
"Certain things?"
"Mouth stuff, mostly."
gellaho
"The authors haven't written why yet"
FancyShark
"Well, that's fine by-"
"On the sharks."
gellaho
TIME BLENDER
FlippantSausage
"Why do yall want time fucked?"
"It's complicated."
I mean it seems pretty rad to me.
LyraV 42Dukes
Some sort of Hour Mingling
FancyShark
That's the name of the book!
FlippantSausage
HE SAID THE THING!
FancyShark
See?! It's a good story!
Give us a sequel, publisher!
FlippantSausage
Just like in Star Wars.
gellaho
You know, natural things. Like, MEGACRYSTALS
FancyShark
THIS IS PHOTON!
FlippantSausage
Crystals are rad.
Number one mystical material for 2000 years running.
LyraV 42Dukes
THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO
FancyShark
Actually, this sounds more like Final Fantasy
gellaho
I wonder where Michael Dorn might have gotten this idea for these
FlippantSausage
Ive been watching that for the last couple days!
gellaho
Some kind of people combined with technology and computers
FlippantSausage
πŸ€” Like some kind of.....science machine man.....a sci-borg.
FancyShark
A machinaman
Or a...Steele
FlippantSausage
TM Michael Dorn LTD.
Supernaught
Gellaho didn't want to be part of Anime Week, but it turns out Book Club had other plans.
gellaho
Goddamned future hippies
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"they glued a bunch of laser pointers to their heads for some reason."
FancyShark
"There are only 'police actions' and 'military interventions'."
FlippantSausage
I like how Miller got told that a group of people with a name like "Bodhis" are the bad guys and just rolled with it.
gellaho
And the Time Blender fixes the planet... that's already been saved by future hippies?
gellaho
Why do the future hippies want to time blend if they already saved the planet in the future?
LyraV 42Dukes
The Moment Amalgamate
FancyShark
"Hello. I'm beloved TV and film star Michael Dorn, and I've read most of Ender's Game."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
No dorn, those are daleks. You're stealing from the wrong franchise!
FlippantSausage
So they can fuck across all time and space.
Without having to go so goddam far.
Brendanonymous
This is one of those stories that was unfilmable in 1997 and would be so rad now.
FlippantSausage
Living an idyllic life in a community inside a rad crystal leaves you a lot of time for fucking.
FancyShark
I can't shake the feeling it would look like Ready Player One
gellaho
Future possession
FlippantSausage
Then again maybe they have some kind of internet crystals.
God Miller is real slow on the uptake.
FancyShark
"Wait, Cook was possessed? Why didn't he say so?"
gellaho
"Yeah, but when we do it it's like, organic possession, man"
FlippantSausage
Like he hadn't yet cottoned on to the fact Cook was housing a psychic projection.
LyraV 42Dukes
scooped by the Shark
Brendanonymous
This book is starting to lose its center.
FlippantSausage
Its becoming............BLENDED!
FancyShark
You...really want to use that word, Dorn?
gellaho
"It's like a spiritual co-op, maaaaaan"
gellaho
Starting to?
That implies there was one
FlippantSausage
"No the result isnt.......ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!"
LyraV 42Dukes
God Miller you just...you're so dense.
FancyShark
"We can't make someone do anything he wouldn't normally do. Like neglect an open head wound or forget about his family."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
No wonder it's not centered. When's the last time Miller did any tai chi?
FlippantSausage
"MILLER! My eyes are up here! Pay attention, this is the goddam time future stream we are trying to save!"
gellaho
"I feel like I should still unblend time, you didn't really give me a good reason not to"
FancyShark
Miller wondered. What were the boobs trying to tell him?
FlippantSausage
"Im not going to try and persuade you, because I've already told you all the things that will happen if you fuck up. That by itself should have done the trick."
gellaho
That's how animals behave, sure
FancyShark
HIS CHANCE OF SUCCESS WAS ONE IN SEVEN!
gellaho
Impossible odds
Brendanonymous
How many pages of plot explanation was that?
FancyShark
Two? Maybe?
FlippantSausage
Future robot men never did understand probability, because past writer men dont.
gellaho
it was like ten, but I still don't really understand the time blending
FlippantSausage
Time blending means it was technically no pages and all pages.
gellaho
It kind of sounds like they already solved the future, so the time blending plot seems pointless
FlippantSausage
If Miller doesnt do the ..........thing..... then the book has to be reread out of order.
It's the only way.,
Wait what the fuck is Miller doing? I forgot.
gellaho
Friendly reminder that there's a random sailor hanging out now for no reason
FlippantSausage
These nudists seem cool.
FancyShark
Future bikinis, sure
FlippantSausage
Probably like tinfoil patterned and shiny.
gellaho
The MEGACRYSTAL causes many cases of blindness
FlippantSausage
Like science man jumpsuits in a Godzilla movie.
FancyShark
So much Windex has to be used on the Megacrystal each day
gellaho
Fucking what?
FlippantSausage
"Blinding onlookers for miles around is basically our main mode of defense from the robots."
LyraV 42Dukes
Birds are constantly smashing into it.
FlippantSausage
Bats too, because the psychic emanations confuse echolocation.
Some nude janitor has to go over parts of it with a toothbrush.
FancyShark
Sure, buildings are psychic agreements. This all is very accurate.
FlippantSausage
If you think about it, alot of things are psychic agreements.
LyraV 42Dukes
Their experiments with the glintstone crystals went awry.
FlippantSausage
Like pissing in the bathroom and not your bosses desk.
gellaho
Frank's my favorite
FancyShark
Joe is the crystal
FlippantSausage
Man imagine being the Frank in that place.
Brendanonymous
Yeshiva, Arno, Isolte,and...Frank
FlippantSausage
Everyone else is a Yeshiva or a Chandrasekhar or a Moonflower and you're fucking Frank.
LyraV 42Dukes
Frank son of Incense and Myrrh
FlippantSausage
Everyone is real nice about it and that makes it worse.
Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie
that would be invasive
FancyShark
"Hey, you guys are laughing at me."
"Shut up, Frank."
gellaho
"No, I won't tell you why it's important"
Brendanonymous
Page 238 of 257, and we're still just laying down track.
FlippantSausage
Man he is really pissed about all this people being nice and clean air and free nudity.
FancyShark
It's called "plausible deniability". It holds up in court!
gellaho
I'm reaching my tolerance for hippie nonsense
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He noticed all the butthole pucker marks on the megacrystal benches
FancyShark
hahaha, they have a Thinking Spot
gellaho
Limit surpassed
FlippantSausage
Fuck yeah I was just about to say they were gonna plant ass on them blobs.
FancyShark
Hey, remember when you were being chased by a bastardized version of the Egyptian god of life?
gellaho
An excellent question
FlippantSausage
He's so fucking angry about these goddam future hippy chairs.
LyraV 42Dukes
I can't wait for Osiris to return with Pirate. Then it's all going to come together.
FancyShark
I can think of a good reason
gellaho
I remember his friend's abandoned son
FancyShark
At least someone does
FlippantSausage
Also I know he wasn't paying attention enough to know the universe is going to end with any certainty. He's just being grouchy.
"Goddam future kids and their ergonomic blobs and psychic communion with nature."
gellaho
Frank's famous catchphrase
FancyShark
It took him days of practice to nail that line
Yes, I know he's a character in a book
FlippantSausage
Oh he's pissed about THAT, the fact that they didnt just rip his will from his living brain like the other guys did to his friend.
gellaho
I mean, I don't know if Cook got more than a couple of hours. He died weeks ago
FancyShark
Don't play coy with armageddon
gellaho
We are running out of words
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He's having this conversation while a bean bag is giving him a rimjob.
FancyShark
What about pages?
FlippantSausage
He's really overlooking the fact that if they were the Bad Guys all theyd have to to is kill him and problem solved.
FancyShark
Unless they're idiots
gellaho
So much imagination on display
FlippantSausage
I think HED think they were idiots, but I imagine it hasnt crossed their minds to kill him.
gellaho
Fuck you
FancyShark
lol, what
gellaho
I side with the GECO
FlippantSausage
Lmao
You fuckin wot?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Isn't GECO an acronym from Fallout?
FancyShark
GECK, but yeah
FlippantSausage
Naw its that insurance company.
LyraV 42Dukes
Now we must time-space shake on it.
gellaho
What, do you give space-time a foot massage and it opens up for you?
FlippantSausage
fucking........NO IT DOESNT!
Thats not how energy works, fuck you!
FancyShark
"It's less time-rape and more time-molestation"
LyraV 42Dukes
A hot ejection of time energy if you will.
gellaho
Sure, get that in there
Brendanonymous
The premise of this book is "What if we didn't want the Federation to help our planet?"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"we drug space time before we penetrate it. We're the good guys"
FancyShark
You know, one good shark invasion could solve all of this
FlippantSausage
"Bitch, we do free love here, Mara smooches who Mara wants."
LyraV 42Dukes
Good on you @Brendanonymous I have no fucking idea what this books premise is and I've been taking notes.
Brendanonymous
It is many books!
FlippantSausage
It is the Ur-Book.
gellaho
Maybe not the time to realize how much you enjoy teaching, bud
Brendanonymous
He could have saga serialized it into a seven-book series that gets crazier and crazier.
FlippantSausage
But from the back end.
FancyShark
If you loved children, Tony, why didn't you kill Saddam?
gellaho
Not the time for this either, Miller
FlippantSausage
Youd have a much easier time teaching kids if time and space collapse into a nugget of psychically active matter and all life becomes one.
FancyShark
Miller's having every mid-life crisis, right at the worst moment
FlippantSausage
And technically youd be married to literally everyone.
gellaho
You live long enough, you find yourself as the deadbeat dad
FlippantSausage
Jeez and just a few hours ago you were fantasizing about railing Mara.
FancyShark
Someone please shove him into the Void and end this already
Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie
that would be invasive
gellaho
"Well, all it showed me were reasons why I should fix time and go back to the present"
gellaho
So, maybe that plan backfired on you
FancyShark
"Wait. Does this mean that civilization wasn't discovered by me?"
"Goddammit, this really isn't working."
FlippantSausage
Miller is bound to fuck it up tho, so maybe time gets pureed.
gellaho
Tai Chi makes a several hundred pages return
gellaho
FancyShark
And he shits himself
gellaho
All of a sudden, he's deciding what time to return to
gellaho
Not to be a dick, not a great reason to not unfuck time
FlippantSausage
Look, its 2022 so nuclear winter hits differently. More appealing if you are staring down the barrel of several consecutive months of 100 degree heat with no AC.
Miller, you already blew up a bunch of kids, just think of it as a VERY sophisticated abortion.
FancyShark
Sure, leave Cook in the dirt
FlippantSausage
You cant regret the kids you erased from the time stream. Literally in fact.
gellaho
I feel like preventing the discovery of the Artifact will definitely stop your daughter from existing
gellaho
gellaho
Considering that's the entire reason she exists
FlippantSausage
Lookin at Mara like a dog seeing if a treat is for eating.
FancyShark
Sorry, dead Iraqi children. You weren't sci-fi enough
LyraV 42Dukes
This is a man incapable of thinking things through.
gellaho
Well, let's see how this goes
gellaho
PSYCHE!
FlippantSausage
Fixes time and space just in time to not prevent the water wars of 2030.
FancyShark
hahahahahaha
Fuck
You
Dorn
Supernaught
BOOK ONE?!
FlippantSausage
"PRESERVE! DEFEND!"
"What the fuck does that mean?!"
FancyShark
BOOK ONE!
LyraV 42Dukes
THE FUCK?
gellaho
I hope you enjoyed Time Blender, there is no Book Two
FancyShark
🀣
FlippantSausage
Hahahah its a trilogy at least!
MISTER DORN DEMANDS A TRILOGY!
Supernaught
Get fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked!
FancyShark
The absolute gall of this writing team!
gellaho
We have defeated TIME BLENDER
FancyShark
We did it!
You all rule!
Thank you for doing this, @gellaho !
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That was an experience. Thanks everyone.
LyraV 42Dukes
bwahahaha I love it!
FlippantSausage
Lmao I love that this didnt end the saga and The TIME BLENDER is still blending.
FancyShark
That was the most riffable book we've ever done
Mike the Tsul'Kalu
i just caught the end
i was very confused
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The series was abandoned like worf's son
gellaho
So concludes the 60th Edition of The Book Cage
Supernaught
A perfect cap to Anime Week. Thank you so much 😊
LyraV 42Dukes
Seriously thank you everyone, that was sick as fuck
gellaho
May all your time be unblended
FlippantSausage
Just means we havent discovered the hidden code to go on our very own Time Adventure!
FancyShark
Now get some rest, Gellaho
There's a meat party tomorrow
FlippantSausage
Feel better, Gellaho!
LyraV 42Dukes
@gellaho You're an absolute gem, this book was amazing, get some rest and feel better!
gellaho
If only there were some clue
FlippantSausage
🀣 I FORGOT IT HAD A HEMINGWAY!
FancyShark
hahaha, god that was great
FlippantSausage
Makes it almost classic lit.
FancyShark
Have a great night, everyone!
FlippantSausage
😁 Have fun yall, I have unfun shit to do.
Brendanonymous
It's always book one with sci-fi novels.
Monkey-Dunk Mo
I tuned out as usual but also as usual
gellahowns
hella gowns?
no
shit
sorry
that's nothing
Brendanonymous
TIME'S ICEBERG: Libris I of The Cosmic Ovulation Series Phase II: Space Dzek Rising
Thanks for being our guide, @gellaho -- I feel much less blended than I might have
Relax the back, cultivate Javo
So, here is what I find extra crazy
When I was a kid, there was this PC game that a Myst clone that had a very similar plot to this book
Monkey-Dunk Mo
Pyst?
Relax the back, cultivate Javo
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timelapse_(video_game)