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gellaho
🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) Poll Time 🚨
This week, the theme is attempted murder. To vote, react to this post.
🛥️ #29 - Thick as Thieves
🪕 #60 - Deadfall
🏋️♂️ #63 - Cold Sweat
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
The answer is obvious
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
I dunno crazed redneck is making a strong argument
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
The man holding the 225 lb barbell parallel to the floor has unbelievable strength
gellaho
Also has ass-hugging shorts
Proxy: Not A Vampire
makes you wonder why he doesn't just use his hands
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Like go to the gym right now and put 225 on a bar and try to hold it straight out in front of you like that
Also call a doctor
gellaho
It's also weird to put a stationary bike under a machine, but whatever
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
I vote oblivious homoeroticism!
dr
I absolutely must know how they write him missing a shot from that range.
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
Do we know its 225? It looks like that second plate is only a 25er
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hmmm good point
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
It should be said regardless 185 to the throat is still a real bad time
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Yeah either way that's quite the predicament
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It looks difficult but he's resting most of the weight on Frank's trachea.
FancyShark
I'm worried Crazed Mountain Man is going to be a good guy
gellaho
He's trying to kill Joe. He's a good guy
FancyShark
Truth. That also makes the gym guy a hero
I respect that the gun wielder on the Thieves cover is going after the smart one. Kill Frank and Joe will be using plastic bags as astronaut helmets inside a week
problematic fox Djonin
Holy shit
This is wonderful
problematic fox Djonin
But this is divine
problematic fox Djonin
I can't take my eyes off it
His eyes say he knows just how fucked he is right now
Mo's Over, Synergy
CROSSFIT!
gellaho
Too many crooks ruin the neighborhood
problematic fox Djonin
Any other day, this wouldn't be the third funniest cover
gellaho
He's eating silica packets within two hours
problematic fox Djonin
Thick as thieves unfortunately could never live up to its cover.
Mo's Over, Synergy
he's detonating a trading card kiosk at the mall.
like, very first thing.
FancyShark
Inserting pennies into electric sockets within a day, hoping for temporary tattoos, gumballs and small toys
Mo's Over, Synergy
punching the touch screen to make the picture of the dog come back
problematic fox Djonin
All of these activities follow rejection from a woman
gellaho
It's not winning, so read this nonsense
problematic fox Djonin
So we are clear.
FancyShark
That jives completely with Joe's deal
problematic fox Djonin
Haha what the fuck
FancyShark
This rules. This rules so hard.
Joe can't narc. And he can't die from bombs.
And the idea that their archenemy is a woman is so perfect with how awful Joe is to women
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
this blurb reads like it was written by AI
Gentleman Brendan
I'm trying to calculate the least that could weigh: light bar (15 lbs), 10-lb plates that are sometimes the same diameter as 45s. Every version of this suggests lats found normally only in unmistakably Black sidekicks.
Gentleman Brendan
This looks like an A+ Mr. Show sketch.
problematic fox Djonin
You're seeing David Cross too, huh?
Gentleman Brendan
But like...MINIMUM that dude is holding out 75 lbs at arm's length with the bulk of it on one side of him.
gellaho
Joe inspires a lot of rage strength
Gentleman Brendan
Basically his latest appearance on What We Do in the Shadows but minus goblin ears.
FancyShark
That hillbilly is hopefully trying to protect his squirrel and raccoon pelt collection
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Yeah that is some gymnast shit right there
gellaho
Once again, the people have spoken. We will journey into a world of beefy lumberjacks and tree hugging peaceniks. Will there be explosions? Absolutely. Join Frank & Joe in Crosscut, Oregon, for The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #60: Deadfall. This Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
Trees are the computers of the forest.
gellaho
@Brockway pin this, or else
FancyShark
Chainsaws and double-barrel shotguns, but not a Bruce Campbell to be had
Brockway
Or else, what? I'll go bald?
flamefish
Aren't you already balding??? 😏
gellaho
You'll be visited by the Mr. Flannel there
Brockway
Nope, still got super-dense goku hair if I let it
Brockway
Oh I thought that was like an artist's rendering of me, bald, in like 10 years in Vermont
flamefish
David Cross at first
gellaho
90s Oregonian Lumberjack is a popular style
FancyShark
Would you use a shotgun, Brockway? You've said you're a trap-specialist. I'm picturing a lawn of bear-traps.
gellaho
He's aiming for Joe's lower torso. Going for a slow death
Gentleman Brendan
That's where Joe keeps his brains though.
Brockway
Oh yeah, just gotta wound em so they won't make it back out through the trap gauntlet
gellaho
Hardy Boys Casefiles #60: Deadfall begins in one hour. Here is the preview.
FancyShark
Already this book has lost me. Joe doesn't know anything.
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
i love "exploding into a run"
that implies he runs like Tom Cruise
gellaho
He loves exploding
Gentleman Brendan
FRANKOOM
gellaho
For those of you who are playing at home, this is the book before Grave Danger, aka the Mexican adventure
FancyShark
AKA The Forbidden Love of Joe Hardy
gellaho
That was the South American adventure
Grave Danger was about stolen artifacts and Mayan pyramids
FancyShark
Oohhh
Dang, I missed that one
Gentleman Brendan
All I know is every time the Hardys cross the border, people die.
gellaho
https://gellaho.com/books/71-61-grave-danger
FancyShark
But I found this on the Hardy Boys wiki:
Larry Mike Garmon (27, 36, 39, 43, 46, 126)
Ron Goulart (23, 30, 44)
Steven Grant (3, 6, 14, 19, 29, 62)
David L. Robbins
Known authors of the Casefiles books!
Those numbers are either the books they wrote or their clone-batch numbers
gellaho
That's a relatively small amount of books
FancyShark
Yeah. Wiki author either got lazy or ran into the same obstacles we did
Gentleman Brendan
Ron Goulart writes a lot of comic book criticism/compendium books.
gellaho
And Shatner's TekWar
Gentleman Brendan
I can maybe see if Grant knows, but I'd rather wait until I have to reach out to him anyway.
FancyShark
This is adorable. The wiki's knowledge of those authors comes from a blog kept by a husband and wife that collect old books:
https://www.keeline.com/
...who apparently do not regularly maintain their site
Oh hey, the wiki says that Steven Grant is most notable in the Hardy Boys Casefiles for creating their nemesis Charity
gellaho
I feel like each of the ghostwriters might operate in their own Hardy Boys universe
FancyShark
Beautiful. The Assassins have been in the Casefiles series since Book 1
FancyShark
@gellaho @John , behold one of the late entries in the Casefiles series
John
Haha, yes!
Somehow Frank looks eben older in this picture than on the show
gellaho
The late stage covers are no bueno
Url included because fart
FancyShark
hahaha, they pushed the TV show so hard
And after that, the covers are just ugly, cluttered messes
until the collections at the end
gellaho
I think there are more books than TV episodes
FancyShark
I think you're right. Weren't there like eight episodes?
Looks like book 104 is the last one with an awesome cover. 105 was when they started the TV show promo covers
Brian Kotzky is the son of American cartoonist Alex Kotzky and is an artist himself. Brian Kotzky work graced the covers of 101 The Hardy Boys Casefiles, starting in 1987 with #3 Cult of Crime and ending in 1995 with #104 Wild Wheels. He also painted six covers for the Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys Super Mystery series. In all, Kotzky worked on 107 Hardy Boys books.
We need a shrine built to Brian Kotzky
gellaho
I think I'm getting there
FancyShark
haha, true
John
11 half-hour episodes plus one 2-parter.
FancyShark
Ah, thankya
John
All I had to do to find out was look on my hard drive, because, and I can't say this with enough shame, I own them all.
gellaho
So, yeah, more book covers
FancyShark
By the last few, they had to have been doing it out of spite
"Look at this beautiful thing you were too good to enjoy!"
gellaho
The beautiful thing are these book covers
FancyShark
Brian Kotzky is a genius
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
One day you should have all the covers removed and wallpaper a room with them
Make it your fuckin' room
FancyShark
Make t-shirt prints of each one. No text
John
Text should never be on t-shirts. Go look at graphic tees and notice how every single one would be better with the text removed.
Cool-ass picture of Rogue Squadron with "Star Wars" written below it, as if I don't fucking know already?
gellaho
Open on: SNACKING
John
four-by-four = wood
4x4 = truck
Ergo, Stan is playing pretend
FancyShark
Stan's squirrel-sausage patties did not elicit comment
gellaho
Joe the food monster
FancyShark
Callie #12
gellaho
Frank could often predict into which rage Joe would enter at any given time
FancyShark
And yet, Frank still has to explain everything to Joe
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
Am I the only one finding vaguely unsettling eroticism in this description
FancyShark
You are not
gellaho
The deadly rumbles between the hippies and lumberjacks
gellaho
One or more of these writers is very into describing the children
John
It's in every book, so it's not even worth mentioning anymore.
FancyShark
We've run out of ways to call it out
well, maybe
gellaho
Buster Owens upgrading equipment, like some kinda asshole
FancyShark
Stan's been chopped down so many times by angry loggers
John
What a weird utopia to be angry about. Don't work, get half your pay? Today you'd be lucky to not be thrown into the woodchipper after they laid you off.
FancyShark
Paid Time Off? YOU THIEVING BASTARD!
gellaho
Vance Galen is not your typical hippie
FancyShark
Vance sounds like he was high through most of Vietnam
John
Wait, so Stan owns a different mill, and the workers are angry at him that the other guy shut down?
Madness.
gellaho
Stan is the hippie uncle
of Callie
FancyShark
Stan finds it weird that a different girl is his niece every few weeks
gellaho
"We lumberjacks hate the trees! The trees are our nemesis."
FancyShark
"A tree killed my father!"
"A tree crushed my car!"
"A tree...stole my heart"
gellaho
Very three dimensional characters here
gellaho
John
Surprisingly difficult to find death-related reactions. Probably overall a good thing, but still disappointing.
FancyShark
hahaha, you nailed it though
Buster loves parking lots. He's a quirky man
John
I learned at the master's knee.
gellaho
Bo Johnson didn't try very hard on his company name
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
I bet you could write a Hardy Boys novel in a weekend if you lined it up right.
John
Ah, a short one this week. Conflict resolved. The loggers quit and join Bo. Callie #12 makes it to the next book, Joe is frustrated and impotent again. Everyone wins.
FancyShark
Bo: staunch enemy of OSHA
Gentleman Brendan
The loggers agree to plant five trees for every one they cut down and more jobs are created, huzzah.
gellaho
Then, they go for a very normal walk
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Going going back back to Callie Callie
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe's getting his exploding in early this time.
FancyShark
Joe can identify explosions instinctively
John
"3 teenagers were seen fleeing just before the old mill exploded. They are considered extremely stupid and 100% guilty."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He's like a sommelier of concussive blasts.
gellaho
Frank is very familiar with chemical fires
Gentleman Brendan
I was going to joke "The bridge explodes" but then it did.
FancyShark
"Well, we tried"
Gentleman Brendan
Dynamite is a chemical #HARDYFACTS
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Who would have expected lumber to be so flammable?
John
"Look, I know literally every law enforcement agency in the state is going to be involved in this one, but obviously you need our help to prove what happened."
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
Dynamite is the 8th primordial element
FancyShark
"We should have kept it dryer!"
gellaho
He died as he lived. On fire.
Gentleman Brendan
Dynamite Benders don't have a long life expectancy.
BUSTER BLUTH
FancyShark
Learning curve is brutal too
Gentleman Brendan
A lumberjack burning in his own mill is somehow even more tragic when he's not a beautiful white woman. It's the only time the news bucks its own weird trends.
FancyShark
Frank, this is no time for your improv poetry
Gentleman Brendan
sidebar: you all got weirdly into that missing woman case last month and creeped me out.
gellaho
Seems pretty cut and dry
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That dynamite is medicinal.
Gentleman Brendan
Frank's really having a Joe kind of day.
I can't believe we don't have a Pete emoji
John
"Jesus, man. Don't you know those should be transported in a specialized container. Anyway, some old mill and the guy you hate blew up. What's for lunch?"
gellaho
Stan swore, guess it must be someone else
FancyShark
"I keep it for the articles!"
gellaho
Yes, the father you've heard of. Not the children who stopped a warhead
Gentleman Brendan
Yea, the Bible telleth us not to swear. Jesus Himself did say "say yes when you mean yes." Enjoy hell, Stan.
Fenton's a nationally touring PI and we know so little of him.
John
I promise everyone will like this sheriff a lot more if you imagine he pronounced it as "show bid-ness"
Gentleman Brendan
Maybe he just seeds America with mysteries for his son to follow.
gellaho
I think he bought it
Gentleman Brendan
Leaves a box of first-aid-o-mite here, there...everywhOOOOOOM OH NOT JOE'S GIRLFRIEND NOOOOO
That's right, I said son. Can you guess which Hardy is actually Sam Spade's kid?
FancyShark
Sheriffs in rural areas always believe hippies
John
Even if that's the truth, you have to know not to answer the question if your answer is gonna be "I've never met this dynamite riding shotgun in my life."
FancyShark
"I swear, the dynamite looked 18, officer"
gellaho
"Shut up, Joe, I've been around this guy for an hour. I know how he ticks"
FancyShark
This all hinges on whether Frank is right about Stan being stupid
Gentleman Brendan
Dammit, the sheriff doesn't like it, but this is a Frank's Gut state, so he's got to let Stan go.
John
"He should have lit one of those sticks of dynamite, screamed 'you'll never take me alive', stolen a cop car, and taken Callie as hostage. This makes no sense."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Callie, your uncle didn't suicide by cop, so he's the most likely suspect.
gellaho
"The woman joked, ignoring the dead man and the dozen people injured by exploding glass"
FancyShark
"I'll let you off with a warning, Guy Whose Assistant Has Started Multiple Brawls"
Gentleman Brendan
"Innocent men don't comply with law enforcement, Frank. They don't have to, God will recognize them in Heaven."
gellaho
RIP Callie
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Oh no, it's contagious
FancyShark
Spontaneous Human Combustion: the Dynamite of Flesh
gellaho
Oh, wait, no. She's just further incriminating her uncle
John
"We all were, didn't you notice us running away right before the place blew up?"
FancyShark
"I've been fighting with the loggers for months. Yes, I was here before."
Gentleman Brendan
real talk: nothing is more infuriating than being damned by a defender you never requested.
gellaho
The Shaws are famously good under pressure
John
Famous cop talk. "Stop confessing and do it later."
FancyShark
"A lawyer? Like the one in Uncle Stan's crawlspace?"
gellaho
Joe: Target Acquired
FancyShark
Lots of things, Ronnie
All that's happened was a mill fire and an explosion. No wars or aliens
gellaho
Bearded and muscular, uncommon traits among lumberjacks
Gentleman Brendan
I think you've said enough, tree-hugger. Better save the rest for when you're adequately represented.
I'm moving to Hardyville.
gellaho
MIKE SMASH TREE
Gentleman Brendan
Nothing says sex like khaki pants
FancyShark
"Mr. McGinley, did you murder this bank owner and move all the money to your account?"
"Nope"
"Okay. Thank you for your time."
Gentleman Brendan
OOH, baby, are those flat fronts? Daddy like, save the pleats for that church dress.
gellaho
Frank: foot guy
Gentleman Brendan
You can't prove any of that, and I intend to countersue this state.
Large men in boots? In the WOODS? This can only be truck drivers or lumberjacks.
FancyShark
"I see multiple luscious prints in the mud"
Gentleman Brendan
But why would a flatbed truck drive out to a logging camp?
gellaho
Blood on the hat of a dead man? Impossible!
FancyShark
A stained hat? Just one?
Gentleman Brendan
Wasn't Buster's skin sloughing off on Joe's sexy khakis? A little late to be memento moring.
FancyShark
No, Joe. Hat
gellaho
"Did you seriously just ask if how and where the guy was murdered matters?"
FancyShark
Joe, you...you've learned nothing?
Is Joe Memento-ing?
Gentleman Brendan
Great theory, but Joe's Gut is not recognized in this state.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It's all they have to go on after they contaminated that crime scene into inadmissability.
gellaho
Frank and Joe knew they needed to tamper with that evidence
Gentleman Brendan
And...and the loggers didn't know that?
FancyShark
Sheriffs need evidence? Huh
gellaho
Joe's brains are slowly leaking from his nose
FancyShark
"Just incriminating you. Government's wired the whole town. Bye!"
gellaho
Are you kids shitting me?
Gentleman Brendan
They are absolutely going to get into a barfight with Hank & Dean.
"Ah, a fellow connoisseur of the law, I see!" Frank chirped nervously.
gellaho
The sheriff forgot to take his medication this morning
gellaho
FancyShark
I will never tire of the actual law enforcement getting angry at the Hardys
gellaho
I think the author got sheriff confused with newspaper editor
FancyShark
"I have evidence."
"Well, hand it over!"
"No. I don't wanna"
gellaho
Definitely not enough evidence
FancyShark
What I would give for Brian Dennehy's sheriff from First Blood right now
gellaho
Some more absolutely believable names
FancyShark
Walter won the local paper's "Most Evil Name" award, three years running
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
ACKS
FancyShark
oh no
gellaho
Speaking of the newspaper, it's apparently the only place to develop film.
gellaho
And apparently somebody could run a newspaper for 200 people
FancyShark
Half your subscribers? Jesus, you're chill, lady
Ronnie is working on a computer. She will be dead in the next five minutes
gellaho
Time for the man everyone hates, Vance Galen, to show up at the newspaper
FancyShark
Ronnie, asking the hard questions
Galen, new to the whole "plausible alibi" thing
gellaho
Joe struggled to figure out what Galen could mean
FancyShark
Galen is why there's a Fifth Amendment
gellaho
Lumber Mob
FancyShark
Exactly 1000. Frank counted.
gellaho
Better just dial that tension back to zero
FancyShark
hahaha
Ronnie & Mike
The Romeo & Juliet of our time
gellaho
Ronnie: the town's disapproving mother
FancyShark
Ronnie's the only source of news and morality. She's a naturally occurring pundit
gellaho
It's not nice the way Rafe does his job
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
The logging business confuses me
FancyShark
Assault: How to Use It For Big Busine$$!
Gentleman Brendan
Millie is the anti-Callie, she did it.
gellaho
Some very inflammable personal belongings
Gentleman Brendan
A friend of mine did this up by Lake Placid when he was Ronnie's age, so that actually tracks.
FancyShark
Savage burn on the arson/explosion victim
"Well, I can tell you one thing about our vic. He died as he lived: poor"
gellaho
Joe decides to snack like a 1800s cowboy
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Stew and biscuits, the classic snack
FancyShark
"We serve ice cream and pasta. You want to try again, asshole?"
gellaho
Frank has a great understanding of crime
FancyShark
There's that human warmth Frank exudes
gellaho
Hu-man emotions are beyond him
More attempted murder, as per usual
FancyShark
"That's Tetris, Joe. Turn off your Game Boy"
gellaho
Joe is small enough to quickly roll under a car
Gentleman Brendan
We should absolutely write an Evil Hardy Boys series.
gellaho
not under their jeep, but a car
Mo's Over, Synergy
He's only three apples tall, right?
Gentleman Brendan
Two provocateurs tearing apart people's lives, exposing secrets, scandals, and shame.
FancyShark
"All the President's Men"?
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
The Dyhar Boys
Gentleman Brendan
Die-Hard Boyz
gellaho
Joe is smart
FancyShark
Lotta guesswork there, Joe
gellaho
The name was already revealed. Hank and Moe Nardy
FancyShark
#releasethenardycut
gellaho
already the fifth time they've eaten
Gentleman Brendan
Did not the divine TV show itself confirm to us with wondrous signs that it shall be Nardy?
gellaho
Edgar Morrison: Hippie in Chief
FancyShark
Their metabolisms drain their brains of thought
Gentleman Brendan
These two don't work hard enough to eat lumberjack breakfast.
FancyShark
"Like what you see, Joe?"
gellaho
Edgar Morrison: Tree Suit
gellaho
FancyShark
Edgar is a Lorax
Gentleman Brendan
Your honor, I practice Tree Law.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Famously a non-renewable resource, those trees
Wait hold on what's that book printed on?
GELLAHO LOOK OUT YOURE NEXT
Gentleman Brendan
Human skin, same as this entire series.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Aha phew, crisis averted
gellaho
There's my Joe, always interrupting women
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hmm why does this air taste yellow
gellaho
I bet he does
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahah
Gentleman Brendan
Walton Goggins IS: Walter Ecks IN: Hardy Boys VI: Tree Dynamite!
wait wait wait no
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
LEAFED!
Gentleman Brendan
BALLISTIC: Ecks vs. Severed Buster
gellaho
So, like 10 mph?
FancyShark
"We have only minutes to swerve!"
gellaho
Fucking dead
gellaho
Crisis averted
FancyShark
Sudden stops are the best way to survive a fall
gellaho
With no action of their own!
This Callie is no smarter than the others
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Wait hold on are thugs trying to kill us!???
Gentleman Brendan
Maybe.
FancyShark
Bulldozers act according to their nature, Callie. You can't really call it "deliberate"
Gentleman Brendan
Sometimes dudes are just working far from any job site then abandon their killdozer so it can't be traced back to the only company in town.
gellaho
Did someone try to kill us? I love hiking!
FancyShark
Okay. This girl's crazy
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
She's been smoking some of that Callie weed
gellaho
Why does everyone in this Oregon town know the niece of the local hippie? The niece who lives on the other side of the country.
Gentleman Brendan
Maybe she sleeps around, hippies do that.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
I think we all know the answer
She's the drug connection
FancyShark
I'm waiting for one of the loggers to try to shoot the Hardys out of fear they work for the IRS
Gentleman Brendan
If they don't stroll into a pot farm at this point, it's not going to happen.
gellaho
"What's a clue?" Joe and Callie asked at the same time.
FancyShark
"Sometimes dead is be- sorry, wrong speech"
Gentleman Brendan
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Buster, YESSSSS
gellaho
A dog heard a noise, so Joe goes running into the trees
Gentleman Brendan
Joe turned to see Frank's body roll to a stop.
gellaho
Joe cannot be killed, unfortunately
FancyShark
Camera pulls back to reveal Joe's been running around a playground
Gentleman Brendan
It was Fenton.
FancyShark
"Walk off the concussion, Joe"
Gentleman Brendan
Fenton: all kills
...I am ashamed of that pun, that's probably my cue to head out to the dinner party.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Fenton is the Helio to joe's Royce.
gellaho
The man had keys? Impossible!
FancyShark
"OH NO!" <sip>
Gentleman Brendan
Wasn't he exploded? There's four non-suspicious reasons his keys would be in Canada now.
gellaho
"He loved those keys! sniff What am I supposed to tell those keys now that he's dead?"
FancyShark
"Every key ever made. Ever."
Gentleman Brendan
Catch me up when I return. {savepoint}
gellaho
The Hardys break into Galen's house
FancyShark
Does he, Joe?
dr
More than Joe can count, so between 5 and 8
gellaho
Joe decides to take out his keys during this crime
FancyShark
That ruse works better when you're not already locked out
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Breaking news: redneck likes guns
gellaho
Hippie redneck
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It's called 'prepping', Joe.
gellaho
Cover time!
gellaho
That's old Galen Greenpeace there
FancyShark
Holy shit. Crazed Flannel Man is a hippie!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Right at callie's heart, as illustrated.
John
"Fortunately, as the bullet left the barrel, Callie whispered, 'I wore my bulletproof vest today.'"
FancyShark
The fact that that guy is a hippie is a bigger twist than anything the writers have managed
gellaho
I WILL KILL FOR THE TREES
FancyShark
Callie's clone matrix has lost the fear of death
As it degrades further, she will lose the ability to recognize simple shapes
gellaho
I CARE DEEPLY FOR THE CREATURES OF THIS PLANET
BLAM
I BET YOU KIDS DID IT
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Best way to convince everyone you're not a murderer is to shoot them all
FancyShark
"I threaten to shoot everyone and they still say I'm crazy!"
haha, swooped
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Eat shit, Shark!
gellaho
I DON'T KNOW WHY THE LUMBERJACKS DON'T LISTEN TO ME
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Jk ❤️ u
gellaho
Poker faces everywhere
FancyShark
"I mail them deer faces and pine cone blankets and still they call me crazy!"
gellaho
Bo Johnson seems like a hoot
FancyShark
Bo could've streamlined this with the purchase of a good baseball bat
gellaho
BUT THAT'S NOT EVIDENCE OF ANYTHING
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahaha
ALL OF THIS SUPER INCRIMINATING STUFF MEANS IM INNOCENT
FancyShark
"Yes, I was going to blow shit up with dynamite. That doesn't mean I blew something up with dynamite!"
gellaho
It's like they're trying to die
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
“There's no way I could have killed him, my strangling gloves are at my other cabin and all my poisons were recently used up!”
FancyShark
"Sure, boys. Hop on my toboggan and slide down the rockface"
gellaho
MUST EAT
FancyShark
Somewhere nearby, a herd of sandwiches halt and listen
gellaho
Yes, Callie, the scene of an arson and murder is sad
FancyShark
"It's pathetic. They should have gone out of business ages ago."
gellaho
Fire can't melt steel plates
FancyShark
Or one angry Sasquatch
gellaho
Vet-fucking-Nam
gellaho
FancyShark
I was joking about First Blood!
gellaho
You hear that, Peg? Fuck you!
FancyShark
Think you can hear anything over the sound of your jaw moving, Peg?
gellaho
Peg remembers everything. Everything
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Hard to forget a thousand yard stare like Mike's
FancyShark
Robbie made Mike do it
She gets off on watching things burn
gellaho
"You should have seen the boner Mike was sporting when he heard about the explosion"
John
Only a veteran could have had this.
John
It even says rare right in the description!
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
They
Drew
First
BLOOD
FancyShark
I don't see a motive here. Let's go harass Galen some more!
gellaho
"Are you sure Callie? Maybe they're, you know"
FancyShark
Callie will not allow sex until she figures out how to get it from Frank
gellaho
"Clearly female"
gellaho
Huge knockers on Millie
John
I call bullshit that she heard from that far away, with the windows closed, over the engine noise.
FancyShark
Dat Ass is probable cause
gellaho
She better get a floppy disc drive
John
The clone must have some listening device cyborg implant.
gellaho
Get burnt, Millie
FancyShark
Same beard
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
And furthermore Susan I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to hear they both habitually smoke marijuana cigarettes.
Reefers
FancyShark
Joints
Doobies
gellaho
Stoner Mountains
FancyShark
Spliffs
Devil Sticks
Mo's Over, Synergy
Jazz cigarettes
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
FancyShark
oh, oops
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
I sometimes forget not everyone has the official band of California's full catalog memorized
gellaho
What do you think, Mike
Mo's Over, Synergy
FancyShark
"JUST BECAUSE I MURDERED YOUR FATHER?"
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahaha
gellaho
Fantastic plan, Mike
FancyShark
See? THIS is what Stan should have done
gellaho
I AM OWED ONE (1) SEX
FancyShark
The kind of love they write dirges about
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Mike should take Sublime's advice
Calm down a little
gellaho
I MURDERED YOUR FATHER, WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME
gellaho
Actually have more than one suspect in this book, bold writing
FancyShark
True. Normally we just get idiots in masks and random props falling off walls
gellaho
More snacking
FancyShark
Millie's got as much motivation as OJ to find the real killer
gellaho
Me steal checks, me get rich
FancyShark
A thieving, rat-like man named Zackarias is not what I want to see in my YA novels
gellaho
That's not how that works
gellaho
You can't just run up to another company's deliveries and say "uh, they can't pay. Sell to me"
FancyShark
Yeah. That's all kinds of not legal
gellaho
This stupid contract is clearly the motive. I don't know if there is confidentiality when the other party is dead
FancyShark
Stan, you're the prime suspect for the actual authorities
gellaho
I love this portrayal of a hippie
FancyShark
hahaha
gellaho
The face of peace
FancyShark
This author thinks anyone that spoke out against Vietnam was a hippie
No further research
gellaho
Hey, Frank? Nearly all of your cases are about contracts
FancyShark
THE INSURANCE MONEY
gellaho
EAT
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Ladles of bacon
FancyShark
Bacon is best served via ladle
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Traditionally yes
FancyShark
Bowls of bacon, ladled high
gellaho
I'm sure you slender children can pull off lumberjack
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
The GOD DAM INSURANCE MONEY
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
My next ultimate nachos party, I'm ladling bacon and using tongs for the cheese
gellaho
THE GOT-DANG VIET-NAM INSURANCE MONEY
FancyShark
GOT-DAM VIET-FUCKIN-NAM INSURANCE MONEY
gellaho
Blasting snags
FancyShark
Joe, that's racist
gellaho
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
Snags are sausage in Australia. Don't want to think about blasting those
gellaho
Joe is easily distracted
FancyShark
Do it, Joe
Do it
DO IT
DOOOO IIIIIIIT
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Jump in the Forbidden Slide
FancyShark
Maybe it goes to Narnia. You'll never know unless you look
gellaho
Frank got there first
John
Took 15 minutes to discover the main office is in the main building? Are we absolutely sure this isn't make a wish shit?
FancyShark
"Okay, guys. This kid Joe's dying. So everyone pretend to be a criminal and we'll give him his own special day."
gellaho
Joe said "Frank!" twice instead of doing something
FancyShark
"Yeah, Joe?"
John
"You, weird kid at the computer. Tell him you're his brother. Shockingly, he'll believe you."
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Ok what do we know about offices? That's right, they're inside
gellaho
Frank should definitely be doing the talking after being knocked out
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Golly gee
FancyShark
"Aren't you, like, 18? Why would you behave like this?"
gellaho
Callie not at all worried about Frank getting wood chipped
John
"Good. Now the author doesn't have to worry about that problem."
FancyShark
Meanwhile, the remains of Callie #12 fill bags of mulch
gellaho
Kids love this kind of minutiae
FancyShark
Woo! Bureaucracy!
gellaho
And so on, and so forth
FancyShark
"So your uncle's guilty?"
gellaho
Next to no evidence for any of this
FancyShark
Joan Collins. I should have known
gellaho
Who is the type who'll let you do that, Joe?
gellaho
As a seventeen year old, you shouldn't be anywhere near them
FancyShark
Authors seem to be the type to do that around the Hardys
John
I'd love to see someone write a sequel to one of these books. The bad guy goes free and their friend is convicted despite being innocent. Because the Hardys have no concept of chain of custody or rules of evidence.
gellaho
Intense Sandwiching
FancyShark
Frank is baffled at the concern for Callie's safety
gellaho
That's not what squealing is
FancyShark
Dammit, Stan
gellaho
Stan's so concerned about being a narc that he's not willing to tell theoretical contract details
With a dead man
FancyShark
Johnny Tightlips is more open than this guy
gellaho
The Hardys attempt to kill a man
FancyShark
Frank feels for the first time
The power to take a human life, it arouses him
gellaho
It's the circle of attempted murder
FancyShark
"No, Callie. That's a bullet."
gellaho
Quack quack
John
I love her optimism. Duck after you've heard the bullet. Surely you can move fast enough.
FancyShark
Frank tries to get a blowie before they die
gellaho
Frank: Master of Bullet sounds
John
How many tries does it take two (presumably very experienced) gunmen to hit something?
gellaho
Now everyone shows up with guns
FancyShark
This is a great environment when one of the people is a Vietnam vet
No way unseen shooters will set anyone off here
gellaho
Then they just leave
FancyShark
And...call the sheriff?
Guys?
GUYS?
gellaho
"Come on, Callie, pretend to be a parole officer!"
gellaho
It's so believable
FancyShark
Wow. Callie #13 really does have bad luck
gellaho
mystery
John
Everyone knows that all you have to do to get free access anywhere is claim to be a parole officer. That old trope.
gellaho
THE (car) INSURANCE MONEY
FancyShark
ALWAYS THE (car) INSURANCE MONEY!
Wait, you have to solve a murder before a rental agent knows who you are?
gellaho
You gotta save those keys, Joe
gellaho
they recently lost someone
FancyShark
Frank had never seen such beautiful hands before
gellaho
Outsmarted by Joe? That's embarrassing
FancyShark
Ooo, that's rough, Collins
You may want to try suicide
gellaho
Joe trying his best to get Callie murdered
FancyShark
Now Collins exploded!
"Grab the barrel! Put it in your mouth!"
gellaho
This is some goofy ass fighting
FancyShark
This is just drunks wrestling outside a bar
gellaho
A glittering knife swipe
FancyShark
"Curse your rapier wit, Joe Hardy!"
gellaho
Collins has the shiniest knife in town
FancyShark
Joe's idea: sandwich
gellaho
Time for the log flume
FancyShark
2ft deep? Is this the kiddie flume?
gellaho
This is written so weirdly
gellaho
I can't really articulate why, but this some of the goofiest shit I've read
FancyShark
The author learned about the logging industry and, dammit, we're gonna read about it
FancyShark
We're getting more details on the flume layout than the fight
Like, if the setting's that complicated, maybe find a different one?
gellaho
Got his quips down
FancyShark
"That's not how you put someone in a grave. Oh wait, you're threatening me. Okay, I see it now."
gellaho
Then, you know, they fall into a scummy pond
FancyShark
The bacteria colonies in that water have a new holiday
gellaho
Heaven forbid
FancyShark
Oh no, wait, stop, don't let him
gellaho
Oregon Chainsaw Massacre
FancyShark
"Groovy"
gellaho
I don't want to question the master, but that's your cover
Weapons are useless against the Hardys
FancyShark
Johnson wants to leave as much evidence as possible
gellaho
Time to learn about peaveys
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Joe's used to handling peaveys with both hands actually
FancyShark
See? Author is going to put every damn thing they had to learn about logging into play here
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
I'm going to shout "it's wood shop time!" So much in my life now
gellaho
Oh, no, don't let the murderer down
FancyShark
Then Frank held Collins' head underwater until the bubbles stopped
gellaho
Back to snack
gellaho
As we all know, keys are like fingerprints
John
Always a good sign when you need someone to explain your story at the end of the book.
FancyShark
So Collins WAS the type to let someone examine his feet?
gellaho
Oh, the murder? Yeah, that was whatever
FancyShark
Panicked? But he's so suave and calm
gellaho
WE MUST FEED
FancyShark
AKA "orgy"
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #60: Deadfall
FancyShark
Nice work, everyone
gellaho
So ends another edition of The Book Cage
FancyShark
Hell yeah. Thanks, @gellaho !
John
Thanks @gellaho
So bad news, I'm not at my computer at the moment and can't screen any Hardy Boys episodes for about an hour.
Do you want to wait, do it next week, or someone else can start it since they're on YouTube
FancyShark
I can wait for next week, if that's what everyone's up for
John
Works for me.
FancyShark
@gellaho @che jakesy, sports revolutionary @Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics that work for you?
gellaho
It would probably be two weeks, but yeah. There are only so many episodes
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
I am working tonight so I'm out but thanks for the heads up. Later day is better obvi
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
Thanks! This was my first live book cage!
John
I'm also willing to skip the rest of this series and hope the Hulu one is much better.
FancyShark
I'll be missing the reading on the 19th, but I can always catch up if you guys watch any that day
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
I don't think I'll be available for the showing. It's hotpot night
FancyShark
Naw, dude. This series is hilarious
John
We're not doing one today, so nothing to mis.
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
I also have to shout about wood shop class while lading bacon tonight
John
It is, but the 30 minute runtime makes it weirdly stilted.
gellaho
Next week is a Simon Hawke that will probably go long, then Hardy Boys, then Psi-Man I guess.
Whatever "Late November" means to Peter David
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
I'll probably be available for a lot of November, but I'm usually at work at 5 est on weekdays, so I'll probably drop in and out
