Psi-Man: Haven David Peters

The shocking conclusion of the electrifying series! The ultimate mind-force warrior faces his final battle...

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gellaho
That is, if we survive...
https://youtu.be/TuQGLSzvCW0
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
YEEEEESSSSSSSSS
We have so many new regular riffers that haven't seen Psi-Man
This is going to rule
Also, your announcement video technique is stellar
Mo's Over, Synergy
oh I was gonna guess
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Mo, have you been here for any of the Psi-Man books?
Mo's Over, Synergy
not paying attention, no, I usually zone out pretty fast into the readalongs
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
They're amazing. They're not Hawke-level, but they're such a hotdog mashup of rad, stupid, wrong, and Peter David working through some shit
Aw man, and it's the final book
Thank you so much again @gellaho ! I am seriously pumped for this
gellaho
It's easily movable due to the increased vaguery of the timeline
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Still appreciated!
gellaho
I also have all next week off before my new job starts, so who knows what level of hangover I might be at by Friday
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Gonna be baking Traxx cookies by Tuesday
Chloes massive punchcock pronoun
Gonna pronounce this with a long i, psee-man
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
It's actually that he's really big on pressure. Pounds per Square Inch Man
gellaho
The Book Cage - Episode 63: Psi-Man: Haven
Despite the best efforts of one Peter David, the plan is to continue with the conclusion of Psi-Man. The Photon author's heinous plan to use inside sources to infect me with a cold on The Hulk at Universal Studios Florida will not be successful. We will learn about the psychic refugee camp, the activities of the unpronounceable Reuel Beutel, and the fate of the Simon's Nazi dog. Join Psychic Quaker Chuck Simon, as he desperately tries to avoid adventure, this Friday at 5pm eastern.
gellaho
gellaho
One hour until Psi-Man: Haven. Here is the preview
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
JENSEEEEEENNNNNNNN!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"GET ME PICTURES OF THAT MENACE PSI-MAN!"
gellaho
For the uninitiated, Psi-Man is Chuck Simon (get it?), a telekinetic and aikido master. He is also a Quaker pacifist. He has a gigantic psychic dog named Rommel.
These books take place between 2020 and 2022, in an alternative ecological dystopia where the Bill of Rights has been abolished and everyone is given identification cards that also work like credit cards. This setting is largely ignored in favor of terrible jokes and Peter David settling old grudges.
There was also an antichrist, psychic ecoterrorists, and a Walt Disney who made fart cartoons about the president.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Also, Chuck has sex with a woman way out of his league in almost every book
In one book, the lady was a robot
She did not know that though, and wanted to die when she found out
That was at Not-Disneyworld
gellaho
Important to note that Rommel was psychically linked with Chuck during the intercourse
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
While Rommel, in turn, was having sex with a lady dog
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Well being psychic is the only way you can make aikido work.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Chuck goes out of his way to not use his powers every book because Peter David made him too powerful
Or he gets sidetracked
Book 2, he was lost in the woods while the plot happened elsewhere
Book 4, he didn't want to hurt the villain because they were a kid. Also the Antichrist, like gellaho said
gellaho
Time to begin the ending
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Final Round! FIGHT!
LyraV
Baggy jumpsuit w/pockets is bold choice for your cover.
gellaho
Events shown in real-time
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
duuuuuude
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Especially when fighting Robo-Mop.
Captain Ventris (he/him)
Warning: The Book You are About to Read is Canon
Dolphin cop Thrillho
On the next exciting episode of John Shock, Robot Chiropractor!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"In a world........where Donald Trump isn't president!"
"And never was!"
gellaho
This last sentence is very confusing given how many times police have in fact appeared
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"One man must do psychic battle with mop robots"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
It's nice that New York learned to sleep at some point
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"People these days are so cold and impersonal they don't call the cops on high speed chases involving probable high end assassins in sleek black cars!"
gellaho
If I remember correctly, Alex romanova was a secret Russian spy that was given faux-Walt Disney's RAC 3000 by Chuck Simon
And in the months since has developed a "comedic" personality
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
MCU dialogue even before the MCU
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I'm hearing this robot voice as like a girl version of 3PO
gellaho
Projectilelike comedy from David
Captain Ventris (he/him)
Just desperately effete
LyraV
what the fuck is a 'projectilelike fall' my brain can't seem to put that together
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Falls like a bullet
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
like, a ballistic trajectory?
gellaho
A very long way of saying something metal hit the car
public jakesy no. 1
Also that bullets aren't metal?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
That's how you know you've been 'pooned and you have a RadiKS courier latched on your car.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Pete must be trying to pad some really thin material
public jakesy no. 1
Man nobody does comedy worse than Peter David
gellaho
It's important to point out that Alex is not psychic, so I'm not sure how she determined this
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Woman Character's Intuition
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"OH NO! NEW BEST FRIEND! Who will I do Russian Spy shit with now and have the American style hijinks with?!"
gellaho
He's giving us references, what else qualifies as comedy?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Only going for the timeless jokes. That's our Peter David
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
If your car starts singing show tunes, the assassins chasing you might have gotten your car drunk somehow.
gellaho
It's also important to remember that in the timeline of this book, Chuck Simon took a luxury future train from San Francisco to New York months ago. Quite a change here
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The Sharks and the Jets aren't fucking around anymore
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I love how people can't imagine a New York future that isnt a desperate dystopian hellscape.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
In the 80's, I think that was considered quaint
gellaho
In 1992 writing that the Soviet Union is in it for the long term
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Still, this is a world where the Happiest Place on Earth has a red light district
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Look, I know they broke up last year, but I can't possibly have guessed that the Soviet Union wouldn't be around later. They were doing so well in '90!"
gellaho
If only the Russians knew that the child antichrist was surviving in a cocoon in San Francisco Bay
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"He wasn't happy you let Chuck Simon puss out and shoot him"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Also not thrilled about all the dumb jokes you've been making lately. You aren't even Russian funny."
gellaho
Secret Bum to the rescue
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I hope it's Chuck and this is day two after he left the train
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Alex desperately trying to remember if she fucked a weird American bum.
Or its just a psychic superman.
gellaho
Peter David refuses to reach for the thesaurus, it's bum all the way
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Meanwhile, Simon Hawke is writing terms for homeless that don't even exist
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Peter David supplies the word, I bring hearing it with an increasingly savage sneer.
And now I think Peter David hates the homeless with a passionate fury.
gellaho
He's also decided to describe everything in the oddest ways possible, such as "semifetal"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Commit to something, Peter David!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Semi-fetal" in that he's now covered in bloody goo and moaning.
gellaho
As swift as liquid glass
LyraV
'looking like a crucified ballet dancer' as though thats a common thing to see
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
HACK! FRAUD! Liquid glass is pretty viscous, a real writer would know that!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Peter David's been suffering from schizophrenia for decades and no one noticed because he wrote pulp novels
gellaho
AIKIDO
gellaho
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Aikido also can't stop diabetes
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Aikidooooooo...........wave!"
How long before Steven Seagal grows a really long thumb and pinky nail, do you think?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
He'd eat them, thinking they were Bugels
gellaho
You know how you can purposefully shoot someone in the head to incapacitate them
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Ah yes. Just glanced a groove into the brain
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuck you, you can't conceal that many guns with a denim jacket.
Also it bulging makes it pointless to wear.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
What if it's a denim trench coat?
gellaho
Amnesia, sure, really covering new ground Peter David
public jakesy no. 1
Feels like the Psi Man should have seen that coming
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Then you're in the Jeans Matrix and only Denimeo can save you.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
And so Peter David officially gives up on having Chuck use terrible aliases and just has his cover be "I dunno"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Man I want this to be a random psychic aikido master bum scamming this international spy for breakfast.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Entire hobo network knows exactly how to talk a spy into a Moon Over My Hammy
gellaho
"in the sort of open manner of a child," did Peter David take bad writing classes before sitting down for this one?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
His confidence has taken a bruising
gellaho
Ideally, he's actually in hell
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"the more accepted position for locomotion" fuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Rommel is five feet away, eating a raccoon
gellaho
Peter David continues to be even more vague on the time
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"This telekinetic bum seems like he might be psychic the way he talks to his Nazi dog."
Top Tier Spy work.
gellaho
Started out with absolute dates and now, "eh, earlier"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Read it in a Superfriends narrator voice to increase joy.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Our narrator's sleeping off a bad drunk
gellaho
Ahuh, sure
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Oh okay. This is Disco Elysium
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Yeah I remember the first time I did mushrooms too.
gellaho
Ah, it's Reuel Beutel
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
He's not dead?!
LyraV
Guts!
gellaho
Beutel is an assassin for The Complex who was shot off on a rocket at Disneyland
An actual outerspace rocket
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
His metal hand melted and fused him to the rocket
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This sounds like he's hallucinating the music video for Major Tom but he only half saw it.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Beutel is a cartoonishly evil bad guy, but he's at least entertaining compared to Chuck
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Do you think you pronounce Reutel Beutel like you pronounce Reuters?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Rootle Bootle
gellaho
Looking good, Reuel
gellaho
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Bald on top, ponytail back, is classic 90s pervert hair.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Now he seduces a nurse, who is also a lower officer
LyraV
I too find mental profanity to be reassuring.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Annnnnd now that person is Reggie Bannister from the Phantasm movies in my mind.
Doctor Reggie.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
I had to drive, how much have I missed?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Our hero is a homeless amnesiac
And a bad guy that died in book three isn't dead
gellaho
Peter David wistfully thinks, "Yeah, I nailed it, didn't I?"
gellaho
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
See now I'm starting to see where you fucked up, Rootle Bootle.
You've barely begun this flashback and I have notes.
gellaho
This continues the Psi-Man tradition of psychics being absolutely terrible at flying
gellaho
gellaho
Even if they can control the wind
Which Reueul can, that's his thing
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Can he also sing with all the voices of the mountains?
LyraV
Sparing the author the agonizing task of writing what happened
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Like those meteoroids that you get when you sit too long. Wait, what?
gellaho
Ah, so Reuel's the cyborg on the cover. Sorry if that was supposed to be a surprise, Peter
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
lol
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"ILL GET YOU MY PRETTY! AND YOUR NAZI DOG TOO!"
And like the Wicked Witch, Rootle Bootle is also VERY vulnerable to water.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Now we can only save one organic part besides your face. Your options are hair, genitals, or armpit."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Which is unfortunate for a mop robot.
gellaho
Googie really wants some Chef Boyardee
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Unfortunately, it's a paint store
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Does........Peter David think funeral parlors smell of rotting meat?!
Like they chuck Granddad in a box and leave him there and nothing else?!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
In the future, human dignity is a myth
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also what kind of lame gang of unhoused peeps are you running if you call yourselves "The Forsaken", its so doomy.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
"in the future" lol
gellaho
I guess this was the result of the Great Pez Destruction of 1995
gellaho
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I think I used to be in a world of warcraft guild with the same name.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
If this was good, this gang would just be Pez enthusiasts.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Also because they'd pull out someone's spine, line it with Smarties, then jam it back in the body"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Do drugs are unauthorized but there are no police.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
They'd be like the Baseball Furies but for Pez.
gellaho
Brainpan, Googie, and Zorro
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I'm choosing to believe they're three intelligent rats
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
If I ever get a new pet rat I'll name her Googie.
gellaho
She smelled terrible, but still hot
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also it would be rad if Zorro was literally wearing a mask and rapier and was all just being Zorro in this dystopian hellscape
Gentleman Brendan
CATCH ME UP, SHARK.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Beutel's alive!
Chuck's homeless!
That is all
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Nothing is hotter than a lady stank goblin in scavenged Daisy Dukes."
LyraV
gellaho
Formidable opponents
Gentleman Brendan
Who's Beutel?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The dude with the metal hand that rode a rocket into the sky in Not Disneyworld
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Man props to that hero who just mutters "Bitchin'." as he dies.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The evil psychic guy
Gentleman Brendan
The evil Steele?
gellaho
Magistrate doesn't really fit in with Googie and Brainpan, but sure
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That's the one!
Now we're following three teenagers or rats called The Forsaken as they scavenge for food
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The Forsaken are rivals with The Pissdwellers who are ruled by Lord Fontlebottom.
gellaho
Guess who Zorro is
gellaho
I guess the name might have given it away
public jakesy no. 1
Google is the little titty chick who smells and has a dart gun, checks out
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
hahaha
Rommel finally got a better name
Gentleman Brendan
he's in New York? How'd he get there from post apocalyptic LA?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Nanananananananananananananan-NAZI DOG!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
He took a train in book 5
Gentleman Brendan
I have missed a lot of Psy-events
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Nazi dogs are a lady stank goblins best friend.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I think you were there for the train. Granted, it was a long time ago
That was when the redheaded model greeted Chuck by showing her ass
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also fair dues to "Biggest son of a bitch on this block" when speaking of a big ass dog, thats good enough for entry level wordplay.
gellaho
Where Chuck Simon went with the SS, this individual went with Zorro
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
More proof that Chuck sucks
gellaho
Zorro, a common reference in this future but Pez are ancient, and The Beatles have been forgotten
Peter David's understanding of time is strange
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
So is his understanding of what descriptions are relatable
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also German Shepherds are terrible pack animals.
gellaho
Rommel is finally able to commit his murders
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You want a St Bernard or at least a pitbull for that.
LyraV
I'm sorry but I keep hearing this song in my head now https://youtu.be/lQnle_3KuOE
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Zorro is super disappointed the crunchy candy in their necks isnt fruit flavored.
Watermelon Pez is pretty good.
gellaho
So unrealistic for this horse-sized dog with psychic powers
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I want to like Rommel, because doggie. But once you hear his thoughts, you'll see why he's terrible
Also the murder, I guess
Gentleman Brendan
Batman is Forever, and there is no Batman without Zorro.
gellaho
And we are all familiar with The Scarlet Pimpernel for the same reasons, right
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I genuinely hope Batman outlives our civilization and future historians think he was maybe real.
Gentleman Brendan
So Zorro is Evil(er) Rommel?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Nope. Rommel and Chuck got separated
gellaho
What a tender moment
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Zorro is just Rommel after he got named by a new owner
Gentleman Brendan
Ah
gellaho
He doesn't have a psychic wuss telling him to stop every thirty seconds
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Of course I expect you to clean up, ze place of ze German woman is in ze home!"
Gentleman Brendan
HAUSFRAU!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Nazi dog sucks.
gellaho
Pittsburgh has had it really rough in these books
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
ALL of Pittsburgh?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Okay but have you ever considered that maybe Pittsburgh had it coming?
And maybe the president was just a bonus?
gellaho
You know, how Vice Presidents do
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Pittsburgh should have ducked.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also we can just get a new president, its not like they are very important.
Gentleman Brendan
It's weird how everything we know about the President in this world suggests he is, in fact, Trump.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Mike Pence being in Pittsburgh is an excellent reason for it to have blown up.
Gentleman Brendan
"Mike, you need to put on this disguise."
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
If someone managed to blow up an entire city without a nuke or an air force, I think that deserves some praise
gellaho
Peter David, you are exhausting
Gentleman Brendan
"Mr. President, thank you for all the gifts you have given us, but I am six inches taller than you and 150 lbs lighte--"
"NO NO ALL LIES EXACT MATCH"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Peter david must be getting paid by the word
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Always carefully arranged, unlike our elections in real life that are super fair and balanced."
Gentleman Brendan
Feels like a guy with this school is most squandered as a Veep
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Let's not forget that the president in this series ordered Not Walt Disney to be killed over a cartoon
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Hey we all remember the time Lon Chaney stole the presidency, so its not far fetched.
gellaho
I'm not sure Peter David has a full grasp on the actual effects of this
public jakesy no. 1
Literally nobody in this fake future calls elections "bouquets"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Until that reporter ripped his mask off while he was playing the organ
Gentleman Brendan
One guy's doing it and he convinced our fake narrator it's really catching on.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Okay, that's a Dr. Doom way to assassinate. I approve but also agree that Peter David is not paying attention
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Pete, do you think volcanoes are just holes in the ground?" "Yeah......you mean they aren't? Oh well I already sent the manuscript and it has the Soviet Union in it in 2022, so fuck it."
gellaho
I think they still have money, David
Gentleman Brendan
Give it a month and he'll be right about that too
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Fuck. Peter David invented bitcoin
public jakesy no. 1
Also how big was the crater from the meteor that killed all life on earth?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
We can add fiat currency to the things Peter David doesn't understand.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I think those are just bank accounts
gellaho
A full paragraph parenthetical devoted to Escape From New York
gellaho
I don't know why the president would think that's a good idea, given that the plot of that movie involves the president
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Taking away garbage collection is called a garbage strike, Peter. It's not sci-fi, Peter.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
I love when a book stops to reference a film
But I really love an entire paragraph in parentheses.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"YOURE THE DUKE OF NEW YORK! A -number-1"
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
I hope he stops to recap The Warriors soon
gellaho
Peter David describes a lot of the country as an ecological disaster, so I'm not sure how New York is that much different
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Chuck paused to remember Predator, which was an awesome movie."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
That guy puts Pez dispensers on his fingers and starts yelling "Come out to playyyyaayyyyyy!"
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
psychic warrrrriooooooors,
gellaho
Pittsburgh exploded, it's a miracle anything is happening in New York
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh you never get that smell out of fine futurecar interiors.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
yeah air freshener technology just couldn't keep up
Gentleman Brendan
Chuck, you reek of TK sweat.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Your dime store KITT is going to smell like unwashed psyker ass forever.
gellaho
I know you are missing the comedy, here's some
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
It's like Star Trek, but I feel angry
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
oh man a computer taking a colloquialism literally? Talk about pioneers!
Gentleman Brendan
Why can't AI ever talk normally?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It's more fun to fuck with the meat bags.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Peter david is using dialog that was meant for Data in one of his star trek books, but the editor rejected
gellaho
Chuck Simon: Nude Amnesiac
Gentleman Brendan
It's always like talking to a passive-aggressive medieval feudal lord.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
Alexa could you make your sentences way more clunky?
Gentleman Brendan
I am unable to apply that command to my central data processor at this juncture.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Meanwhile, real AI would just be spewing out memes and moonspeak
LyraV
It really changes the scene when you consider he's been hog out the whole time.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Notices nudity for the first time "OH WHAT IS THAT THING THERE? ITS SO FLOPPY!"
Gentleman Brendan
Chuck lifted the head of his penis with telekinesis, pumping blood through his turgening turgidity
"Look at that, baby, ready to go again five minutes later," he smirked.
"LIES!" she scoffed.
gellaho
Alex considers a sex crime
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"OH HOLY SHIT LOOK AT WHAT IT CAN DO! What did you call this? Pissing? CAN EVERYONE DO THIS?!"
Gentleman Brendan
Why wouldn't he remember it?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
When your Russian secret squirrel is more moral than James Bond.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Peter David operates on that belief that pretty people are always appealing, even when they smell like dumpster juice
gellaho
"You desperately want to return to your former glamorous life"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I keep forgetting he was a gym teacher
Gentleman Brendan
A quiet warrior poet who wanted merely to do TK pushups and give women pleasure they had never before known.
"He is forceful like a man, but attentive and considerate to my unspoken thoughts like a woman..."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Notable in that it didnt work for anyone without psychic powers, which you do have."
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Also, you killed a child. But he was evil, so it's fine."
Gentleman Brendan
What are you going to do with your unique gift?
I dunno, teach gym at a stripmall
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Also you're a nerd with a Nazi dog, I dunno where the dog got off to."
gellaho
We're going to do this exact same thing again, huh
gellaho
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
His stench stopped it
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
don't say "dog" and "got off" you'll summon djonin
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He deffo needs a second shower, now he just smells like wet garbage
gellaho
Festive
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
There's a colony of mites in his beard that are approaching a Renaissance
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
OH SO NOW PETER DAVID WANTS ME TO NOT LIKE THE CYCLE SLUTS?!
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
finally, characters I can relate to
gellaho
Fun
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Cycle Sluts were great before they went all Christian Folk
public jakesy no. 1
Now they're just called The Cycles
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
Wellp I sure hate that
Gentleman Brendan
What was her plan if she accidentally manslaughtered the one-of-a-kind hope for humanity?
gellaho
The Cycle Sluts lose a fight to a car
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
queer villains? unprecedented
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Wait are the cycle sluts and the one with the slur rival gangs are or we just being gross?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Yeah. Women gangs don't have any reason to rape. So I'm sure they'd just leave you alone and not slice open your neck and pull your tongue through the opening
public jakesy no. 1
Is this repressed anger at homosexuality linked to an event that happened to Peter David in high school?
Let's consult the charts!
Gentleman Brendan
This is such an '80s work where it has a melange of sci-fi concepts but all anybody can think to do is bum around and hang out.
public jakesy no. 1
Gentleman Brendan
KITT + Firestarter + that one Dean Koontz novel + Kung Fu: The Legend Continues
gellaho
Wave goodbye to the Cycle Sluts
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I always have to
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
bye sexy rapist stereotypes
thanks for showing up for this very necessary scene
gellaho
And say hello to Peter David referencing his own work
Gentleman Brendan
So it's a Psy-Man you're looking to catch, eh?
I'll get you your Psy-Man. :Quint crushed his can of Narragansett and tossed it into space:
LyraV
Eventually, maybe?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"there was no TV, but thankfully star trek tie-in novels were still being sold"
gellaho
Spies love Star Trek
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I feel nervous, but I also can't shake the feeling this character won't live up to his potential
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Federation's Fall is absolutely a rejected pitch that David Peters made.
public jakesy no. 1
Also of note in Peter's biography, bicycles and rape appear in the same story on consecutive pages
public jakesy no. 1
Really makes you think
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I hope he just cursed a blue streak when they announced DS9
Gentleman Brendan
Some would argue DS9 was indeed the federation's fall
LyraV
Odo was dope as fuck.
gellaho
Just a truly annoying way to write dialog
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Only the fall in that everything after failed to live up to it
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Aw yeah my man Sex Bucket
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
maybe I should put all my traumas into a terrible novel, seems cathartic
Gentleman Brendan
It takes a certain hubris to write a biography.
Like even if things have actually happened to you, to say "Others must know of, and learn from, this."
gellaho
Check off the redhead box
Gentleman Brendan
BOOOOOOO
Redhead season doesn't start till October
gellaho
"Bullet needle"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Typical Soviet spies, gunning down our American redheads in broad daylight.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Terwilliger, of the East London Terwilligers
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
those anachronistic bastards!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"But the bullet needle gored out his eye."
"Heart failure"
gellaho
The Complex is teaming up with the USSR
Gentleman Brendan
aren't they both NWO?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Sure. That might as well happen
Gentleman Brendan
Are we sure the VP is dead? Maybe he disguised himself as the explosion and walked out of there.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
If this were a musical I'd want them to follow up this part with Hawkwind's "Needle Gun" and have Korsakov do a hip thrusting dance to it.
Gentleman Brendan
He could be ANY character now.
Indeed...anyone, even...a...reader.
gellaho
Meanwhile, Googie enters the ol' Pier Vault
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I remember that Fallout dungeon
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
ENTER! The Vault of the Forsaken!
Their DM is a little overdramatic.
gellaho
Well, that is unexpected
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
But their party gets a dog.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
An entire paragraph to open a door
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That is the worst name
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Horny the Gollum
public jakesy no. 1
Wait the guys name is Horny
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Toad man named "Horny" is just.........
LyraV
Horny is on first
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
who's Steve Jobs?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Horny and Googie sounds like a 60's husband and wife music act.
They do a great cover of Muskrat Love.
gellaho
Nobody wants the gross toadboy
Gentleman Brendan
The longer this goes on the more I'm convinced this is an actual toad and Googie's the crazy one.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I started off believing Googie was an intelligent rat, so this is just going full Wind in the Willows for me
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
When you have toad face, its hard to not look at people funny tho, give poor Toad Lad a break.
public jakesy no. 1
They were better as Horny, Googie, Nash, & Young
Gentleman Brendan
Hahaha wait, this mummy is eighteen?
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
I have to disappear again, someone @ me if there's more gay hate crime characters
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Take care!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Have fun.
gellaho
Rommel was smelling women in previous books, so this is a little hypocritical
public jakesy no. 1
Hahaha
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
lol
public jakesy no. 1
Was this written during Peter's softcore porn days
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"ONLY I, THE GLORIOUS TANK COMMANDER OF THE REICH MAY HUFF HER SHOES!"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
So all it took to win Rommel's loyalty was letting him kill people
gellaho
I'm guessing Marvel rejected his X-men material
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And in the book!
public jakesy no. 1
"Enjoy the play of her firm, hard ass" is maximum creepy uncle vibes
gellaho
These were his Photon days
Gentleman Brendan
Sounds like she was fully correct.
If not fully erect.
public jakesy no. 1
I can smell the Pontiac Thunderbird coming off that sentence
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
And we know those didn't end with anything weird or sexual
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Shipping Googie x Figurine.
gellaho
This psychic sanctuary Chuck was told about seems like kind of a shit show
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
hashtagPleasegodnoRommel
Man Figurine must have some gnarled talons then if shes been walking around post apocalyptic New York barefoot.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Are we sure Peter David didn't outsource this part to Chuck Austen?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The bottoms of her feet aren't invisible at all.
gellaho
Peter has completely forgotten that the premise was "psychics"
Gentleman Brendan
No weird religious vibes, so yeah.
He's just doing the Morlocks all the way down.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Should we place bets on whether Rootle Bootle kills all these people or Peter David forgets about them?
gellaho
The Magistrate is reading Moby Dick. I'm sure that won't be at all related to the plot
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Man these people need a better naming convention, some get names like Googie and others get X-Men code names like Figurine, and others just get appearance based insults like Horny Toad or Four Eyes.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"In fact, he's dead. No, I'm not rewriting this."
gellaho
Haven: A real freakshow
Gentleman Brendan
Four Eyes is just hanging in there until he gets upgraded to Great Chef
Too bad there aren't ratdogs with guns to save the rats.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Rat based augury was proven inaccurate in the 60s, real divinations should be using crystals or tortoise shells.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"They referred to her as a name I'm not going to capitalize because fuck you reader"
gellaho
Well, I guess these weirdos did that to Chuck
Gentleman Brendan
no it was all lowercase. She used to be Prince.
gellaho
Hey, there, Peter. You step out of Simon Hawke's territory
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
yeah I guess I'd come back for my psychic Nazi dog.
LyraV
Thanks Morpheus
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Someone should tell this purple goober that fatalism is annoying in a leader.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
He doesn't have to be a nazi! The quaker named him after a nazi!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Not to mention if the future is set theres no point preparing for anything because its going to happen regardless so you are already as prepared as you are going to ever be.
gellaho
Such economy of motion
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
He was originally called Subject 666, which is dumber but less problematic!
Gentleman Brendan
The divine seer says you have to give up your dog is really provoking me to defy the fates.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Fuck that rat gutter, I'm keeping this rad dog."
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Yeah. I'd go full Kratos on the fates if I had to give up any of my dogs when I was a kid
public jakesy no. 1
Absolute
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You'd think tho they'd have just killed him with a rock after mindwiping him tho.
You might as well, you've already basically killed him in spirit.
gellaho
Well, of course you have to trade sex to make a man brain dead. For a dog
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Chuck was always a dweeb. They just took away his guilt and memories of dodgeball
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I thought that pet shelter was lying to me
gellaho
Meanwhile: Memory Prisms
Gentleman Brendan
AITA if I pay for a stranger's involuntary lobotomy with sexual extortion?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
does the fucking come with shots and neutering?
Cos thats real important when you adopt a pet.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Yes. A shot of whiskey and some garden shears that have never been washed
oh, for the pet
gellaho
Of course, the key to remembering is his Nazi dog
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Yes he would have, Chuck
He hated you
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The thing is you cant trust a dog named after Rommel, he will probably be in on a bomb plot to kill you.
Gentleman Brendan
He scorned you.
gellaho
"God, there were so many freaks!"
Gentleman Brendan
Never forget Rommel swap-evicted Chuck from his own mind while they were both boning and made their mental tips touch.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I don't think we can forget that
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Yeah yeah collective power of one mindfucker, an invisible girl, a thirsty motherfuckin toad, and a hot stinky girl."
gellaho
Wave hello to the Cycle Sluts
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"They were all so...distinct enough to avoid a copywrite lawsuit"
I hope they're talking about a pot roast
gellaho
Hidebound
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I hear an awesome guitar riff every time I see the words "Cycle Sluts"
LyraV
@Rachel, Swamp Philosopher they're back, the Cycle Sluts
gellaho
Mu has a bold strategy
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I was just told I'd go blind
gellaho
Surprising that the crotch grab was ineffective
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
ew, matted hair
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This is not how handjobs usually go, but okay.
Ozzie
Psionic dick defense number 22
gellaho
I had to read this so many times to figure out these commas
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You'd think his Mind Fortress would activate BEFORE his dick got mangled.
But then D&D never really got the hang of psionics.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Peter David forgot how periods work
gellaho
Wave goodbye to the Cycle Sluts
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Fallen Mu was their last worthwhile album
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Now they can't even get a gig opening for Pussy Riot.
Gentleman Brendan
Maybe YOURS don't
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It's true, I'm not psychic so maybe that's whats supposed to happen.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This publisher wouldn't spring for the Ī¼ character
gellaho
This is sometime earlier, but not earlier than the earlier "sometime earlier"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That's because Rommel killed her
Ozzie
Scooped me, I couldn't figure out how to get my phone to do that symbol.
Gentleman Brendan
Reuel Beuel, I declare you fit for deuel duty!
LyraV
I saw Fabio and now he looks like Fabio in my head, Dr. Martin Fabio
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I'm on board with this
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Man I would like this book so much more if in 1992 it predicted a Russian punk band\activist group.
LyraV
I keep various pictures of him around to inspire me, like everyone else
Gentleman Brendan
hellot it ma our doctor Fabio yu are healthy oka now off to home it me fabio
gellaho
"You've been RoboCop'd, Reuel"
Gentleman Brendan
Really amazed Pussy Riot is still alive. Like they had my respect, now they have my awe.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Rootle Bootle is slow on the uptake.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Right? They've done time like twice, in RUSSIAN prisons.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Please have a scene of Reuel going through TSA
gellaho
So, does he have a nose or not?
Gentleman Brendan
Peter's gonna Wold Newton this series before it dies.
Didn't I say he was evil Steele??
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"I AM A MONSTER!" "Well you were already a psychic assassin working for Not Walt Disney......"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
No nose. Just a nose.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
But then how does he smell?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
A lil smellin nubbin.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Terrible!
Gentleman Brendan
They Red Skulled him!
Gentleman Brendan
But still better than Chuck does
gellaho
See, that's what separates the cyborgs and Steele
gellaho
Need the dong
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Told you. Hair OR genitals. Not both.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"MY DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK! CURSE YOU FICKLE FATE!"
But just wait until they show him the upgrade path he can use if he collects enough scrap. Double jump AND a dick.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Reuel is a pay to win asshole, no question
gellaho
Nooo, not the ice water!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He buys the $99.99 gem packs.
Gentleman Brendan
That'll teach you to save my life with expensive, cutting-edge cybernetics.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
NOOOO now how will the unethical doctors quench their thirst while defying God?!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Fat chance of insurance covering this visit
gellaho
No more murder boners
Gentleman Brendan
Say it with me
No real human penis = No longer human
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH so thats what Deus Ex: Mankind Divided was about!
Gentleman Brendan
by the by, we have resumed reading Steele, and we make it about six pages before I pass out one night a week...and at page 127 it's STILL just pontificating on the same conversation about whether he's a man or not.
But cripes, at least his dick works.
...you know, if you took these out of the context of the Hawke Steeleverse it just looks like hatespeech.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I'd have consoled myself with a sweet robo dick that looks like it was made by a PC gamer with too much money.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Steele is the best cyborg, but I still like Reutel more than Tracker
Gentleman Brendan
If you have TK and an indestructible robo-bod, why even fuck?
You have worlds to run.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Still need something to do during firmware updates
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I assume you'd need something to keep occupied until you confront your nameless grandson in a duel to the death that keeps the cosmic flea distracted until you can destroy it.
Metabarons is wild, y'all.
Gentleman Brendan
The humanoids series?
gellaho
Sometime later, Chuck has remembered how to be a huge baby
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It's a comic series written by Alejandro Jodorowsky, its a bit like if a peyote fueled shaman read half of Dune and thought "What if I did this, but also more peyote."
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"The sex wasn't that bad, was it?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sounds like Chuck needs to reaffirm his walk with Christ.
gellaho
Alex finds this tantrum super hot
Gentleman Brendan
Nobody likes a psy-baby
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Sand: The Best Place for Sex
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Dirty sand no less.
Nasty filthy sex sand.
Gentleman Brendan
This sand is just SOAKED with petroleum.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And now cum.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
And tears, because Chuck is a baby
gellaho
And I guess they were fucking right in front of the entrance?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And some of Alex's because regret.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Hey, you two can keep fucking, if you want. We don't mind!"
gellaho
The Cycle Sluts episode of ER was weird
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Oh yeah we were too busy getting sand in my vag for me to remember, I found traces of your dog. Maybe. It could just also be a random dog."
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Magoo? There's a near-sighted old man among the Cycle Sluts?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Okay now I refuse to believe Mr. Magoo is still relevant to gang members in 2022 IN REAL LIFE.
Let alone this fictional construct.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
Good?
gellaho
What a coincidence, this doctor is a brother of the dead doctor
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
There are still emergency rooms, but no cops
I guess when tweakers get brought in, they go by the honor system
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
They've had character development! Their leader is named Mu, pronounced "Mew" and presumably she will end a sentence with "Nyaaaan, senpai!"
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
I flipped through and saw some trading sex for lobotomizing a dear friend so everything's normal
gellaho
And the doctor's nurse is a Russian spy. This is some top notch stuff
Gentleman Brendan
Also Beutel is now Robocop with TK
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
... I have a therapy appointment Tuesday and now it will be devoted to deciphering how I feel about this
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Small world
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
you know what I love about this book? the elegant simplicity of the plot
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Man I don't know how youd explain this to someone who wasn't here.
Gentleman Brendan
Russians spreading disinformation? What kind of nightmare 2022 is this?
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
it will probably require both dance and violence
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
You can feel Peter David wanting to bring in Boris and Natasha, but something is stopping him
Gentleman Brendan
Probably got bullied by a kid named Boris in jr high.
gellaho
Meanwhile, Chuck figures out how to use his powers
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He doesnt know that much Russian and is too lazy to write in the accents.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Again
gellaho
This is impressive, because it took him weeks to control his powers when he knew who he was
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
And he had to relearn them when he was blinded
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Personalities get in the way when you are OPENING THE DOORS OF PERCEPTION!
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
without all that knowledge gumming up his brain he has more horsepower to devote to psionics
gellaho
What'd I tell you about the lips, Peter. Stay off Simon Hawke's dick
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
LIIIIIPS
"Hey, we're still okay if you two want to fuck again."
Gentleman Brendan
Chuck's been faking amnesia to get laid again.
gellaho
Let the freakshow begin
Gentleman Brendan
This is the third such incursion!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
AKA The Quaker Proposal
gellaho
Well known psychic power: acid spit
Gentleman Brendan
More like the Faker
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Maybe his psychic power is being horny?
Gentleman Brendan
Wait he's fighting actual Toad from X-Men??
You can't give him acid venom
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
It's brain acid. That kid just lost knowledge of how doors work
gellaho
What a foe
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
If he spits again, he'll lose memories of how to wear shoes
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He's already a toad and doesnt wear shoes so its a win win
Gentleman Brendan
Can't chuck just gator-clutch Toad's jaws shut with TK or aikido or caterwauling?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I feel like I've seen this fight before, but better
Oh right, Kung Fu Hustle
gellaho
Just a real powerful group
gellaho
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Chuck isnt cool enough to master The Buddha's Palm kungfu.
LyraV
Everyone was so impressed it hurt
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Chuck could sense this girl had a great ass and Rommel had defended it"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Man this seems like it would be about higher stakes than a stolenish dog.
gellaho
I mean, that's just how Rommel looks
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Welcome to Psy-Man
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I told him, that dog is a pure bred poon hound, he aint loyal.
gellaho
Double check the redhead box for Oracle
Gentleman Brendan
John Wick really owes this book royalties.
He seriously unloaded all the X-Men they wouldn't let him contribute.
gellaho
Hilarious
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
hahahaha, sexual extortion!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Hohoh, its cute because undermining my authority is the real problem for me.
gellaho
Chuck's Rommel strategy is a light mauling
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Cue Sarah McLachlan
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Chuck was getting just a little hard for some reason."
gellaho
Why say hindquarters if you are following up with asshole
Gentleman Brendan
To be fair, she agreed to his terms.
I mean it's not like you owe anybody a psychic scouring of their enemies in the world.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I had a Pomeranian act this way towards me once. I just pushed it off the couch
gellaho
Francis the dork
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
A voice like the Prime Minister of Hell...?
Please?
Gentleman Brendan
More like chief magistrate
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
In his left hand, a cool, refreshing bottle of Milwaukee's Best
That's right. This is all a commercial
Gentleman Brendan
It glowed, as all things from Wisconsin glow with the good, natural light of rich, local ingredients made without any filler.
LyraV
Oh Francis, we can call you Brainpan but until you believe in yourself you'll never really be cool.
Gentleman Brendan
GO. PACKERS.
Francis, we already have a guy named Brainpan.
You can't be Brainpan II.
gellaho
Reuel Beutel has shown up to The Complex. Peter David borrowing liberally from RoboCop
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"BRAINPANNNNN!"
"See?"
Quint had a doctor put a lock on the evil cyborg but didn't have a way to test it
Like having that doctor use it
gellaho
His own little Directive 4
Gentleman Brendan
All of Chuck's enemies are gathering to kill each other, and Psy-Man is just wandering around a Queens sewer with amnesia, beating up sad homeless people.
gellaho
Apparently the guy at the hospital just sucked
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
It's a mystery why this never became a comic, TV show or movie
Gentleman Brendan
Chuck, I know we haven't talked about a future--if we even CAN have a future in this dying wor--
"One second, baby, I'm throwing a kid with physical defects into the wall neck-first."
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"BRRRRaaaaaiiiiinnnnppaaaannn...."
<crunch>
gellaho
Typically holds are barred for psychic cyborg assassinations
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
KISS
KIIIIISSSSS
gellaho
Hey, Peter, you made your bed. You can't make fun of it
gellaho
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I love that he won't give up the spoon
Just the dumbest memento
And you know every fake ID is Chuck (something)
With like, a mustache
gellaho
Wocka Wocka
gellaho
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Quoting the publisher, Peter?
Gentleman Brendan
I will never not picture Rommel as a rottweiler. Why change now?
gellaho
Psychic giant ears
Gentleman Brendan
Pyro and...I dunno, Ear-Blob.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The Brotherhood of Crappy Mutants
gellaho
Did a psychic wipe everyone's memory? It's only 2022. And, Chuck Simon was a teacher
gellaho
You would know what the CIA was
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
they were kind of a big deal
Gentleman Brendan
CIA what broke the world.
gellaho
Seems like if they were willing to kill 600 people for one psychic, Chuck should definitely be dead by now
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The history books will sing songs of Tom Jensen
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Doin my Blades in the Dark game so thanks for the fun, laters!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Later, Flippant! Have fun!
LyraV
have fun!!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"The explosion killed six. They went in and gunned down anyone that saw the explosion afterward."
gellaho
Oracle is a real bummer
Gentleman Brendan
That means at least a thousand people furious that none of their loved ones' colleagues had the decency to show their faces at the funeral.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"What am I, your strategist? I just told you everything"
Gentleman Brendan
Destiny...cripes, he didn't even try. What's magistrate's glowing hand power besides force shields?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Massage
He's really good at it, but it's still awkward because he talks the whole time
gellaho
Turns out the Magistrate and naked invisible lady are married
Well, not actually married
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
awww
Ohh, sewer married
gellaho
Because I'm pretty sure this doesn't count
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
They went to a minigolf course
LyraV
Sure, boning under a waterfall and trying to be washed downriver.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
There was a birthday party too afraid to speak up
Gentleman Brendan
Waterfall the sewer of the earth
gellaho
Meanwhile, Chuck is back to being a whiny peacenik
Gentleman Brendan
Chuck just remembered who he is, and that that person sucks.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
We're right on track for the Whining phase
Gentleman Brendan
Is he just being a dick to Alex, who clawed him back from ruin?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Next should be everyone telling him he sucks
Then some soul searching
Then war
Then him refusing to fight
Then fighting but refusing to kill
gellaho
Well, Alex isn't exactly clean in this situation
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
wow
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Proms in Russia involve wolves, Chuck. You're not winning this one
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
as a consent educator, I have several comments
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
They're all "Jesus fucking Christ dude"
Gentleman Brendan
Can two people violate each other? Tonight, we find out.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
If it helps, all of Chuck's romances end this way
gellaho
And Rommel wanted in on a psychic devil's three-way
Gentleman Brendan
Wait, all this and they didn't even bone down?
He's mad she kissed him?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I thought they boned on the beach
Jesus, Chuck. Did you lose your promise ring, too?
gellaho
They fucked on the beach
The sun greets the Cycle Sluts
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Thank you. I thought so
Gentleman Brendan
Technically, she and the person Chuck was at the time made PASSIONATE LOVE on the beach.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
they had the AMA paperwork signed
gellaho
As it greets Reuel Beutel
Gentleman Brendan
But the Psy-Man we know as Chuck "Simple" Simon, Psi-Man, was not present for that coupling, mentally.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
ohhhh, true
Did Quint tell anyone they have city hands yet?
Gentleman Brendan
Playing the role of Chaz in PIE-MAN: HEAVEN (an unauthorized XXX Parody), it's Chuck Simon, Amnesiac.
gellaho
Kind of a weird chapter ending, but OK
Gentleman Brendan
Coney Island is full of Russian agents, it's true.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
So Genady is supposed to be the ultimate big bad?
Gentleman Brendan
More of a Brighton Beach thing, but still.
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
I'm a big advocate of fucking in general
However, I thoroughly advise against fucking on beaches
Gentleman Brendan
Is Romanova Alex?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Yep
Gentleman Brendan
Okay so she's Black Widow.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
THAT's why the name sounded familiar. Thank you!
gellaho
I think the Magistrate might have had a stroke in the middle of this
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I think Peter skipped some lines
Gentleman Brendan
Sarcasm is a great trait in leaders.
gellaho
What a revolution
Gentleman Brendan
"Before you depose me, you should know...I railed Destiny under a waterfall like it was a Meatloaf video. Now do to me as you will."
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"We'll totally persevere"
Gentleman Brendan
Excuse me, ORACLE.
LyraV
Now it's the age of Francis!
gellaho
You think that the group of psychics would have a better alert system
gellaho
Figurine
Who is now shot
Gentleman Brendan
Figurine is blind? Not oracle? Man, missed opportunity for poesy.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"So we're not flooding the sewers with napalm? We're going with a handful of guns?"
gellaho
Sure, sure
gellaho
Get the dog out there
Gentleman Brendan
Wait, Figurine is blind but she knows her blood comes out red?
If she's partially visible does she have partial ocular reception?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I think Figurine is the one who had Rommel and Oracle is the Magistrate's wife
This definitely feels like an MCU production, what with the quips that add nothing in important moments
Nowhere near as fun though
gellaho
I was confused, yes. I thought Figurine was blind because her eyes being clear would make it impossible to see
Also, Oracle was dissecting rats for prophecy
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
You were confused by the flawless explanations of Peter David?
gellaho
Which is a weird thing to do if you can't see the entrails
Gentleman Brendan
But Oracle is blind because Destiny is blind
I guess Magistrate is Calypso.
Callisto*
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
And Rommel is Caliban, but evil
gellaho
Anyway, Beutel (a psychic) forgets they are raiding a psychic haven
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Prince, at last
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
hm y'all think all this brain frying might have negative effects?
gellaho
Wait, the ocean is full of that much oil?
gellaho
Everything and everyone should be dead
Rachel, Swamp Philosopher
not sure how it's affecting the author but...
Gentleman Brendan
Behold your magistrate https://x-men.fandom.com/wiki/Healer
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
šŸŽµ Chuck don't want to set the world on fiiiiiIIIIIIIrrrrrešŸŽµ
gellaho
Took a while, but here's the preview
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Jensen's been working on his standup instead of managing their food and water supply
gellaho
Meanwhile, The Cycle Sluts are bedeviled by their most fearsome nemesis: a car
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I'm lost on whether we're supposed to hate or cheer for the Cycle Sluts at this point
They seem like they need help
gellaho
Beutel has gone rogue
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
They're more like comedic relief at this point
Who could have predicted having a tiny remote control wouldn't be enough to stop the murder bot with TK?
gellaho
The Adventures of Chuck Simon: Psychic Wimp continue
Gentleman Brendan
Give your talking car to someone who can fully utilize it, Chuck! You already have a talking dog, martial arts, and psychic powers!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
lethalness is such an awkward word
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Chuck has the powers of at least four different 90s TV shows and he still sucks
gellaho
The Complex really ended up being a dud
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
One helicopter. Truly, they were the power behind the throne
Oh wait, ocean fire. So two helicopters
gellaho
Oracle really should have seen that coming
gellaho
gellaho
I think there were like 9, but they have a guy that can fire infinite energy blasts and impenetrable shields
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Okay, yeah, that's a bit one-sided then
Kinda begs the question why they couldn't conquer the world before now
gellaho
Beutel seems fun
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Beutel Vickbot
gellaho
The Soviet spies are also defeated by the car
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Thanks for the payoff on Rommel, Peter. Totally worth it to see the badass kill monster run away after being abused
gellaho
Aikido
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Predictions on how Beutel dies?
I say head crush
By a rock falling from the ceiling
gellaho
How cavernous is this dog that there is an echo?
LyraV
My money is on explosive dismemberment.
Gentleman Brendan
TK crush seems to be the mode du jour
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That "make a wish" line might be the first effective bit Peter David wrote in this book
gellaho
Good guess that Chuck is useless, but the answer is eyeshot plus self-destruct
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
A glorious $5b joyride from the hospital to the sewers in his robo-bod
gellaho
Vroom vroom
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I guess bullets don't work if a robot uses them
Gentleman Brendan
The president's gonna get his wish
gellaho
Magistrate doing something mysterious, oooooooooo
gellaho
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The End
I dare you, Peter
gellaho
Not if Pittsburgh exploded, it's not
Gentleman Brendan
Deus Ex Magistrate
gellaho
Ah, Terwilliger. A character explored in Book 3 and then occasionally mentioned
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Now it's a drug-fueled descent into madness in an isolated cabin, narrated by Hemingway if Hemingway was a squirrel
oh
damn
gellaho
Buh, wuh? Who couldst have foreseen
Gentleman Brendan
Chuck's psi-shield protected him and he is living happily in the peaceful ruins of a nuclear power plant slaughter.
gellaho
That's some Hardysesque cliffhangering
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
And the Cycle Sluts are still out there, running from a car only they can see
gellaho
Fuck you, Peter David
LyraV
I was just about to ask!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"He remembered the UTI, which screamed through his urethra"
Gentleman Brendan
Honestly, what else could he choose? I respect this.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
It still hurts, Brendan
gellaho
Literally anything else
We end with Psi-Man: Deadbeat Dad
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
Chuck basically makes psi shields though
we saw him stop acid spit
magistrate could have saved alex
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
oh yeah. He just didn't feel like saving anyone
Gentleman Brendan
or somebody
gellaho
Except, actually there are still about 11 pages left
Surprise! Simon Hawke!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
YES!
YEEEEESSSSSS
Gentleman Brendan
The Galliahos
Two worlds collide IN
Psi-Man vs. Steele
gellaho
Well, it's a preview for a very long war saga he wrote
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Do you have any of those books?
gellaho
I do, they are very long
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
hmm, someday
gellaho
And I think pretty dry, which is why I'm not going to read this preview about Afghanistan in the 80s
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
oof
Yeah, Hawke's better moist
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
i'm sure that's aged well
Gentleman Brendan
The brave mujahadeen of Afghanistan vs. a Russian tank piloted by the brain of a wounded-in-action Spetznatz soldier
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Are there lips?
Gentleman Brendan
RED TSAR AT NIGHT: SNIPER'S DELIGHT
and be sure to pick up November's surefire hit sequel, RED TSAR IN MORNING: SAILORS TAKE WARNING
gellaho
We have defeated Psi-Man: Haven, and indeed Psi-Man in its entirety!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
šŸ“Æ
We did it!
You are all heroes!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
another david peters abomination has been slain
LyraV
Thanks so much @gellaho
gellaho
That concludes The 63rd Edition of The Book Cage. And our 4th Completed series
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Thank you, @gellaho !
gellaho
I believe we have done all of the David Peters pseudonym work now
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Awesome riffing, everyone!
gellaho
He shall be buried next to J.D. Masters
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Good. May he fester with his ilk
gellaho
Maybe next to S. L. Hunter
J. D. must be held to a higher level of respect
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Hunter wrote Tracker, right?
gellaho
No, he wrote the last two Steele books
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
ohhh
That seems fitting then
gellaho
Still the worst things I've read
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
holy shit!
Gentleman Brendan
Those were unseemly.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I thought Tracker and that French book were the worst. I should check the archives
Gentleman Brendan
You don't appreciate Hawke's Chris Claremonting until you've seen Hunter's Chuck Austen.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
hoooooo boy
maybe...I'll just take your words for it
although it'd be fair to Hawke to see how Hunter mangled it
hmm, we'll see
In any case, have a good night, hotdoggers!
Gentleman Brendan
Well meat, Shark.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Gad, I missed these readings
gellaho
After Target Steele, I'm doing something else instead of the 2 Hunter Steele books. Part of the reason is that there are 300 characters, but part of it is how bad they are
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Completely fair. Thank you again for doing these reads. And for waiting until I was back home for today's! You rule, dude
Gentleman Brendan
Yeah they're basically fanfic
Steele ends in a blaze of bullets on the way to the airport, RIP Ice I will mourn U till I join U
public jakesy no. 1
Don't you worry, their story is being rewritten the right way. The way it should be. the long way since I'm a year in and only have 5 chapters done. The Hawke Way
public jakesy no. 1
JD Masters canonically died in The Case of the Artificial Vampire last year
public jakesy no. 1
So he's been with us all along as we read Steele