Wyrdrune must dig into his bag of tricks - before the Dark Ones turn Japan into the Land of the *Setting* Sun.
Archive
gellaho
The Book Cage - Episode #69 The Samurai Wizard
After the French adventure, our sort of protagonists are heading out east. What events will Wyrdrune, Kira, Billy Slade, and Modred be standing next to this time? Will they be involved in the plot? Will the 23rd Century Tokyo be as crazy as Psychodrome's 27th century? I don't know, but I got the shakes and I need my Simon Hawke fix! We'll all find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sweet!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
AT LAST!
🎸
gellaho
Turns out I somehow forgot "Spiked!" in my list, so Episode 68 will be lost to time.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Nooooo! Not the Gatorade poisoning!
Or the exploding volleyball!
gellaho
I just meant all my numbers were off by one in my spreadsheet. I'm archiving it now.
Yes, I am a cool guy with an Excel spreadsheet
gellaho
Simon Hawke's The Samurai Wizard begins at the top of the hour. Here's the preview, involving pants shenanigans
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Wild disparity on how those guys were handled
Manyxe Cooks to Order
"Thaimatuegic energy" is just an even nerdier way of saying "he cast magic missile".
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
One guy, pantsed
Other guy, chopped into mush
Manyxe Cooks to Order
No wait, bolts; my bad, that was Chain Lightning.
...god I want to play D&D so bad.
Wait what, he made the pants rum after the guy? Because he doesn't want him to ho around pantsless? Man, that's a power move.
Gentleman Brendan
Bringing a sword to a guns vs. magic fight sounds like a real dummy move if I didn't know Grimjack rules is swords work in both technical and magical realms
gellaho
Time to wizard
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The only thing more magical than a sword is a jeweled mace shaped like a dick.
gellaho
If I am correct, I think most of this prologue is this guy getting an ancient Japanese tattoo
gellaho
As per usual, magic seems painful
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Getting a back tattoo while listening to a shakuhachi is peak white tourist energy.
Like cmon at least make it a pipa.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The dragon is Puff
gellaho
I'm assuming there are only three wizards in Japan then
Mo-lemite, Motherfucker
or a shakujo. Just have a monk there chanting and making rattling noises.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Japanese wizards work twice as hard and long as western wizards and consider it an honor to die of overwork.
They sleep at the office.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
And can buy used witch robes from vending machines
gellaho
"I know you've been studying magic since birth. Here is your taxi license"
Gentleman Brendan
shakuhachi had to crawl so that pipa weeaboos could fly so that waifu otaku could SOAR in a land where it's impolite to say no.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I'm sure the details of wizard vocational school will be critical to the plot.
public jakesy no. 1
Warlock HR is notoriously difficult
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
A bullet train you have to maintain concentration to operate seems very unsafe.
gellaho
Ooh, fancy corporate sorcerer
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
If the corporate sorcerer stops concentrating for even a second, their stocks tank
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh and double dangerous for flying a plane.
Corporate Sorcerers get the best health and dental packages Japan has to offer.
gellaho
Dangerously low on mages
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Zorin isn't already a mage name?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh my dude. Tao Tzu is Chinese as hell, not Tibetan. My dude.
LyraV
Yeah but think of all the rhymes corporate sorcerers boardroom enforcer, always outsource ya.
Gentleman Brendan
This whole book is a metaphor for how capitalism subjugates the wonders of the world around us into soul-crushing mundanity.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Also, how thirsty Simon gets
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I'm going to have a hard time letting go of Tao Tzu.
Gentleman Brendan
Different Tao Tzu. This is Tao Tzu the High-Dwelling, not Tao Tzu the KILLS FIRST TAO TZU AND INSTALLS HIMSELF AS ONLY TAO TZU
gellaho
I don't know how the satanic orgy at Disneyland fits into that theory, but sure
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Now I know what to name my next D&D character.
gellaho
They don't allow Chinese people into Tibet?
gellaho
It's secretly Christopher Walken
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Oh, I'm all in now
gellaho
Yohaku seems like kind of a dick
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Yohaku learned his techniques from the DMV
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Jesus, three cups of broth? If he doesn't drink a gallon of water a day, he will die.
public jakesy no. 1
God dam mages just don't want to work anymore!!!1!
Gentleman Brendan
no one wants to cast anymore
public jakesy no. 1
SNOWFLAKE MAGE GENERATION NEED NOT APPLY
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It rains, he'll be fine.
gellaho
I wonder if Kanno is a bad guy
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
this is what happens when you hand out participation amulets instead of victory horns of the slain demon Nreglah
gellaho
Sounds like the talk of a necromancer to me
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I wonder if enough research was done for the Japanese wizards to use shikigami....
gellaho
If you spend twenty years on a ruse, I think you might be the rube
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He's playing the extremely long game.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"HAHA! I have duped you, Honorable Sensei! I have spent 20 years and passed my exams with painstaking study! YOU FOOL!"
gellaho
Sounds fun
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Now I shall graduate from Tokyo University and become the best salarywizard in all Japan!"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Griffins are already a hybrid animal, Simon. What are you doing, Simon.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Cyborg griffin is pretty awesome tho.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The avian cyborg can speak, but only to beg for the sweet release of death.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Simon thinks parakeets are robots?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
PARAKEETS ARE ROBOTS!
Everyone knows birds arent real!
gellaho
Not seeing why the pet shop was necessary for this plan
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Seems like a cemetery would be more convenient
Manyxe Cooks to Order
Parakeet necromancer, fuck yeah!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Necromancy is so popular its a wonder its always illegal and bad in these books.
It's like weed.
Probably harmless unless you spend all your time doing it.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Necromancy headshops are weeeeeiiiird
gellaho
Not the tattoo artist!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
No record except for all the inventory journals and receipts for the tattoo materials and the discrepancy of where they all went without record of payment
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It's funny, but if he left this old man alive nobody would be able to notice his death and therefore get clued in to something going on.
gellaho
How many records could there possibly be for a tattoo that took months, huh?
Surprisingly, Kanno's necromancy is not going well
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Naked necromancy no less.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Welp, better get some werewolves
gellaho
Kanno jumps to failure pretty quickly
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He better be careful with that knife tho, naked and knife wielding necromancers need newer nuts..
LyraV
This sounds like Skyrim erotica.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Yeah, sure, guy. You totally spent twenty years in training.
gellaho
☑️ Redhead
gellaho
gellaho
Spent too much time on the luxury pets
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
She got him on his knees?
gellaho
These ancient evils are like cockroaches, can't keep them down
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Kanno is trying very hard not to get a boner right now.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
He beggin', darlin', please?
LyraV
I'm starting to suspect there need to more redheads in the world, there's clearly a shortage.
gellaho
What are you, trying to have sex with a friend's wife?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Japan has to import theirs and they are marked up 10,000%
gellaho
Yes, Simon. Fuck. Yes.
gellaho
You know what I want
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Yeeeeaaaaah
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Well if I cant even begin to understand then I might as well tell you to fuck off then, huh?" never crosses Kanno's mind.
gellaho
Hey, Kanno. What do you think necromancy is?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Redhead. Talks in melodrama. Possibly immortal.
There are a lot of boxes getting ticked right now
gellaho
No, seriously, what do you think necromancy is
Gentleman Brendan
gellaho
Yes
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Necromancy is where you bake the pie crust before you add the filling, right?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"First we flay off all the gross old 40-60 year old skin and replace it with tight young hot skin. Also you get to maybe be a werewolf or something, I dunno. NECROMANCY!"
gellaho
Magic seems unpleasant
gellaho
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
LeeiiiiiiiiLA! Ba-da-ba-da-DOW BadadadidadaDOW!
gellaho
At least the dragon seems to be having fun
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Well a dragon sticking out of him seems like its going to be a problem when he goes to the convenience store.
public jakesy no. 1
Ahhhhhh fuck yeah this rules ima dragon
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This was definitely worth 20 years
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I hope the dragon becomes his sassy wisecracking sidekick
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Dragon always brushing people and he has to stop and apologize every five steps.
gellaho
Wot's all this then
Gentleman Brendan
I defy you to separate those second two from the first.
Kanno is the introductory character in his own epic.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNHHHHHHH!" Billy Slade said as he definitely did not cum a little.
gellaho
Merlin does not appreciate Billy's language
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
GOR BLIMEY wot oy screem wenevvuh uhm shaggin a tart wot I met on the lorry on the M5 innit
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuck off Merlin. Nobody likes a ghostly Professor Henry Higgins.
Gentleman Brendan
HAHAHA suck it, Britain. Your only possible rejoinders all apply to a different geographic region than mine. I am invincible! I have studied necromancy and will NEVER know of the dark ones!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also fuck you Merlin, modern English is already perverted from what you spoke.
gellaho
"Billy is in his own constant hell"
Gentleman Brendan
I just assume Merlin spoke only Welsh
I'm admittedly running on four hours' sleep but isn't the Arthurian legend like...pre-Germanic.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Yeah it has roots in Celtic mythology.
gellaho
I'm glad you are worried about that in this moment of slapstick
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Billy's renal system looks like Stalingrad
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also FUCK OFF MERLIN. You drank mead and shit at his age because unboiled water was basically a sure fire way to shit yourself to death.
gellaho
I guess Modred sleeps in this
gellaho
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"I woke up and you weren't there"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"You can tell I'm dangerous and sensual because I wear black silk."
gellaho
The are our theoretical main characters
gellaho
25 pages in
Gentleman Brendan
Note to self: do not join the council of the white.
I mean I say that, but I'm up for a job at News Corp. so...
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Feral pretty" sounds like a pretty backhanded way to talk about someone.
gellaho
Look, Simon has a type
Gentleman Brendan
This is just how people in the '80s used to say she's all that.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also what does a "geometric style" look like for hair?
Is that how you describe a haircut and I just didnt know?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
And that type is "Vasquez from Aliens, but whiter"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Or is she rocking like a punky buzz with stars and moons shaved into it?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Which I honestly can't fault
Gentleman Brendan
Simon has two types and the only difference between us is I like my curvy Mediterranean types older than I whereas that man would pluck a peach while it was still a flower.
gellaho
Remember that human sacrifice
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Ahh, hello again, Jewish Stereotype Broom
Gentleman Brendan
So in Simon's world are all the chinese restaurants magic powered, or is just every shop running a log stove?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
There's one pyromancer working so many jobs at once
Gentleman Brendan
Ain't a thing wrong with a strong woman, sirrah.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Chinese restaurants are already powered by magic depending on how much you like soup buns.
Gentleman Brendan
I love a strong woman with a geometric haircut.
Squares, circles, triangles, dodecahedron, I don't give a fffffuck baby
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Let's not forget the French lady who is 40 with the body of a woman in her 20s
Gentleman Brendan
Anyone who doesn't like soup buns is welcome to leave planet Earth.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Because that's how she's always introduced
gellaho
Modred stole his magic computer that exploded in the first book
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I love it when a woman has an icosahedron shaped head.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Ooh, does the magic computer count as a Pratchett reference?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Especially if she has little silvery numbers from 1-20 hanging from it.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Yep. Take a shot
Gentleman Brendan
Oh shit, the Russians have the quantum computer.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Always giving the computers fancy and somewhat godlike names, it's no wonder they run amok.
gellaho
Magic hacking
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Solve rampancy, name your AI something like Darryl or Leeroy.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Open the doors, Darryl"
gellaho
Claude the Pirate hacker
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Yar
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Just once tho I wanna see someone name a computer after Pliny the Elder, the man who's main contribution to posterity is "I hear menstruation causes hail." level ideas.
Secret origin of Pirate from Time Blender maybe?
gellaho
Merlin's annoying computer
Gentleman Brendan
You ever wonder if philosophers were about the same level of intelligence as us, they just got there first?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That's how all upgrades work, Wyrdrune
Gentleman Brendan
Like a lot of kids do that "How do i know your color red is the same as mine?" thing.
gellaho
It's also a neeeeeeeeeerrrrdddd
Gentleman Brendan
But then Archimedes was out here doing real math and having to invent it.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Okay but fuck you, nothing is better than Screaming Zombie Ninjas.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Simon, you gave us Sharks vs Ninjas once. Screaming Zombie Ninjas feels like a rehash
Gentleman Brendan
If a ninja screams, does it do so silently?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Only if its not also a zombie.
Gentleman Brendan
....seriously might just make a comic book about zombie ninjas
gellaho
Simon, you always know just what to say
Gentleman Brendan
My buddy just did ninja iron man: https://www.cbr.com/blackbox-ninja-kaidan-1-review/
Pick it up if you're in Chicago.
I mean you can get it anywhere, he's just at c2e2 this weekend.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Fucking sweet
Gentleman Brendan
It's fun!
gellaho
Kanno in his pimp disguise
Gentleman Brendan
David Cronenberg's Wizard of Crash Alley
Pimps are flashy. Ninjas are invisible. They said the two could never meet.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
One of the cool things about being a wizard is you can dress how you want and not worry about muggers.
gellaho
Good to see some Psychodrome in here
Gentleman Brendan
WOAH. you can't use that word
You have to say MUGGLES
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I prefer "Entrepeneurs in the field of wealth transfer" honestly.
Gentleman Brendan
It's time for renaissance punk.
gellaho
Kanno's murder is interrupted by needle thugs
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Next time, we'll shoot further!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Needle Gun is not my favorite Hawkwind song, Simon, but you do you.
LyraV
They then switched weapons because the needler sucks.
gellaho
LIIIIPS
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The toughs were just trying to vaccinate you, Kanno.
Gentleman Brendan
He Kylo Renned them!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
MOISTENING
gellaho
If this book follows the trend, here's the actual main character
gellaho
LyraV
You are killing it tonight
Gentleman Brendan
Thanks, but I was hoping to find the version where he roundhouse kicks the needle into Frost after saying this.
gellaho
"Do you think this could have anything to do with the other three international events?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Simon Hawke came up with Leila after a marathon jerk off session to a Boris Vallejo painting.
We all know the one.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
All of them?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This one.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
oh
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I mean I get it.
gellaho
Pirate's a hoarder
gellaho
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
YAR!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Unbeknownst to Pirate, beneath all the clutter was the skeleton of his long dead cat."
gellaho
Eustace
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Instead of sailing to a desert island and burying his treasure underground, Pirate just buys more snacks
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And Dogecoin.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
hahaha, okay, Simon. That's a good description
Gentleman Brendan
Simon is pretty cool, i gotta say.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Simon shares C.S Lewis's hatred for people named Eustace.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Name one person you like who's named Eustace tho?
The old man in Courage the Cowardly dog? A fucking Eustace.
And he's a total asshole.
gellaho
"I avoid taxes like a cool, laid back guy"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Remember when all hackers were rich and low key successful instead of dipshits fighting about things on Wikipedia and 4chan?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Sure, Eustace. I believe you're a cool guy. I'm sure you won't mind if I say that Hatsuni Miku is overrated...
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This guy sounds like the sort of guy you try to avoid eye contact with at a bar
gellaho
But, it's like a cool Commodore 64. It's got stickers on it
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He definitely is a few minutes and a joint away from telling Mordred to buy crypto.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Or about how he should listen to Steely Dan
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And somewhere in that apartment is a fuckable anime pillow.
gellaho
The giant fairy is back
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sebastian Makepeace uses the Barbarian Fashion Check bot.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
We're going to get to a point where Simon is going to have so many characters added that he won't get to the actual plot until the epilogue
gellaho
Swish
Gentleman Brendan
Very strong neoliberal persona, yeah.
gellaho
Makepeace the sociopath
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh you do not want anything to do with a person or place named Lovecraft, you get your drinks with a side of antisemitism and a rant about race mixing.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That's not magic. That's Alka Seltzer
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Lovecraft was a teetotaler, as well.
Gentleman Brendan
Lovecraft had horrible teeth. I know this without confirmation because even when smiling he looks like he ate a lemon.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
So all your drinks are plain soda water with a disapproving glance.
When you leave the bartender grumbles about Italians.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
And the aforementioned antisemitism
Gentleman Brendan
Our original Redditor HP Lovecraft who was a bad writer but a great horror author.
gellaho
"Eh, whatever"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
God he would have really loved Reddit.
Wyrdrune......you have been a wizard for how long and you didnt know spells have a signature aura?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
To be fair, he's a shitty wizard
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
But your weird sarky fae friend totally does and its never come up?
Also MERLIN doesnt know?!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Merlin not knowing it is more concerning
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"I suppose its possible." is not what you wanna hear from a man at the top of his field about something that should be very well known.
gellaho
Akiro has low self-esteem
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Just grab someone off the street and blame them, Akiro. Rely on that famous 99% conviction rate Japan has.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Akiro is strangely fixated on his appearance instead of the murders
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Would they ask him if he was a dirty, filthy boy with a full diaper?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Oh god what if the press asks me about my tiny embarassing penis and humiliates me until I nut in puuuuuuublic!"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Aaaaand...I'm done"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"again!"
gellaho
Ninja wizard
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Would you like to buy a chinchilla?"
gellaho
LIIIIPS
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
MOISTENED!
Arrow Head Greg (problematic?)
Yes!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"It certainly looks like necromancy. Just look at the scorch marks and the blunt trauma."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Huh this reminds me of my student Kanno, he was always a creepy little pervert who thought he was hiding his power boner."
gellaho
Ah, more characters
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Dumbass thought I was teaching him for twenty years"
gellaho
Gotta get the mob involved, sure
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The...what?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Simon........you know that the boss of a Yakuza isnt called "Don", right?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
And there's not one Yakuza body
gellaho
Hey, I'm lazy. Can you guys take care of this?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Simon, you lectured us for an entire chapter once on how to make copper pipes. What's wrong with you?
gellaho
I'm all in favor of people using less unnecessary Japanese loan words
Gentleman Brendan
I have to tell you, it seems like every one of those books, Wyrdrune exists in a completely different novel.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Instead use an Italian loan word.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Hawke didn't learn the lesson Pratchett did that just because you introduce characters in one book doesn't mean they have to be in every one that follows
Wyrdrune and Kira and Merlin and Modred are And The Rest
gellaho
Get Larry Fishburne on it!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Yeah I dont really LIKE using him, he keeps offering me a choice of red and blue pills that will "wake me up" or "let me stay asleep." and its just so creepy."
Gentleman Brendan
I don't know what you think you know about this mage, but some authorities consider him the most dangerous necromancer alive.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Plus he dresses like a total dork."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That reminds me, I should watch Sandman after we're done here.
gellaho
Meanwhile: Pirate calls a little computer a badass
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also if Morpheus isnt a dream wizard Simon needs to return his Writing Permit and his Oxford Allusion Dictionary.
gellaho
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I interviewed at General Regulardynamics when I first graduated.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Specific Hyperdynamics is where they make Tomb Raider games in the future.
gellaho
I feel like you guys should check the news
gellaho
Or they should just contact you, given that you've dealt with this before
Not get the yakuza and an old man involved
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I mean you DONT know what she's doing, or you would have found her before now.
You know what she WANTs, but that is different.
Can I say I appreciate this book has so far less sewer fucking than the previous one?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
You ARE powerless to stop her. You've wandered around for at least four books while other people have kicked her minions' asses
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And to be fair her minions aren't that formidable.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Plus, book one showed us that the thing even the strongest mage is weak to is Gun. This is all window dressing now.
gellaho
This was only mentioned in the last book, but I literally don't remember when it started
gellaho
Either Simon forgot to write it, or I was too drunk reading the previous books
Either's possible
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Can't blame her. Modred's a clear step up from Wyrdrune
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He has silk jammies.
gellaho
Ah, magic gem love
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Okay, Simon, we get it. Mage threeway
gellaho
Oh, I forgot
Morpheus is Modred
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
ah, right on
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Wizard polyamorous triads always end in heartbreak. And arson.
gellaho
That's like his assassin name
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I was more on point with that dig about his dressing than I knew.
gellaho
Did I remember because the book brought it up? I'll never tell
public jakesy no. 1
Tokyo Grifting
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Tokyo Necromancer is a very underrated PS2 title
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Not gonna lie I would play a game called Tokyo Necromancer.
gellaho
Shut up, dad
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I can see that in my minds eye and its a tactical JRPG like Disgaea with romance subplots and plucky Tokyo teens.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Because I'm a professional"
public jakesy no. 1
Kobayashi the prostitute sounds like they can inhale a ton of hot dogs
gellaho
"You wanna be paid in computer parts? Alright, nerd"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Also, a dump truck filled with Pocky"
gellaho
"Suck it, Lancelot"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
ACtually Kobayashi is a Yakuza boss so he probably has a contact he can just ASK who will provide whatever computer shit he needs.
So fuck off Merlin.
Judgemental old fart.
gellaho
Jesus, Akiro, get it together
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Akiro calls phone sex operators just to have someone listen to him cry
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Oh mew hew hew, teleportation is soooo hard, if the press gets up here I wont have the stamina to keep from just busting all over my own office as they make fun of my stupid tiny penis and balding head."
gellaho
Uh oh, Akiro
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Now Kanno's 20-year long con to become a police informant
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Welp. Akiro's days of farming the press for SCH material are over.
gellaho
"Why are you taking your pants off, Kanno?"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Don't lick your lips when you talk about the body, Kanno"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I feel a MOISTENED coming up.
gellaho
"I'd say it comes from a dragon, possibly tattooic in origin. Uh, don't look at my back"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Yeah WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Trust me, I'm a necromancer. I know reptiles."
gellaho
"It probably lives on my, uh, their back"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Sure, just throw shade at sharks for not having arms. Dick.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Six foot serpents that fly arent naturally occuring?! WHAT?!
gellaho
"Someone as skilled as me, but definitely not me"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Werewolf"
Gentleman Brendan
again: sleepless, but this plot makes no sense
I get everyone's starting point
I just don't see any development. Only conversations.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
WEREDRAGON?!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I'm not far from where you are, Brendan. So far it's a lot of events that just seem to happen
gellaho
"BUT, AGAIN, IT'S NOT ME"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also both a small amount of applause and a hearty "fuck off" for "thaumagenetically engineered", Simon.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Kanno leaves just as Akiro gets the fax with Kaiser Soze's face printed on it
gellaho
"And I only implicated myself twice. Perfect plan"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Why are you saying all that out loud, Kanno?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Excuse me, Kanno-san, but I believe you dropped your wavy knife with a skull pommel?"
Gentleman Brendan
Kanno's his own hottest pursuer.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Oh thank you. I see you even wiped my sensei's blood off of it."
gellaho
Tatterdemalion! My old friend
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
GOR
Gentleman Brendan
Bill the Tatterdemalion
Crikey! 'E's et erry one of our scones, so 'e 'as!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Oi, blimey, 'e's gon' at tha' nosh like a right nutta!
Gentleman Brendan
"Suddenly, a dashing figure entered, brandishing a forbidden Science-Pistol! 'I'm here to solve all your problems,' murmured the newcomer. 'My name...is Rex Moran.' "
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
God if only.
Gentleman Brendan
I haven't given up hope Rex Moran will enter our world and fix everything.
What deterrent, the fictionbrane, to one such as Rex?
gellaho
Sick burn on your dead mom
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Akiro sighed. "Hello, Rex."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I would vote Rex Moran as president SO FUCKING HARD.
gellaho
Kanno thinks this necromancy might be a little gross
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also Kira, you need to think, is this ageless assassin really going to have a lot of positive memories in general, let alone of positive female figures in his life?
This is why he isn't fucking you.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
You know, a Rex Moran/Akiro buddy cop movie would kill
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Kanno.......why are you even a necromancer?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Being dead isn't automatically a problem for everyone. Look at Keith Richards.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Like surely there are better ways to get wizard juice and you are squicked out by basic necromancer shit.
gellaho
Can really see those nips through the velvet
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"THE POWERS OF LIFE AND DEATH MERGE AND BLUR INTO SOMETHING ICKY"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Zombie prostitutes notoriously cant pour wine.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"The other leg ended in a gnarled hoof"
gellaho
Might as well, I guess
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
So...is this necromancy?
Gentleman Brendan
Found the revenant that's going to kill Akiro after he thinks he's made his getaway.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Well....you could probably use forbidden magic to get a gun and shoot her in the face. That's probably a concern of hers.
Gentleman Brendan
Why waste magical energy when you can just order a gun by vacuum tube?
All you need is a trusting rich guy and a gun to coerce him.
gellaho
Fugisawa suspects Kanno and tells the mob
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That old Yakuza Don saying
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
You might wake up to a gift horse's head in your bed.
Gentleman Brendan
Horses should be the main mode of transport in a magical world, because horses are themselves magical, beautiful souls.
Some say angels? I am not making any such claims. Only that angels wish.
LyraV
Write that horse head death haiku
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"In Japan, we have a saying "forgeddaboudit."
gellaho
I can't wait to meet yakuza member dead meat
gellaho
Hard to believe that you are running on no sleep
Wyrdrune spends several pages worrying about Modred
Gentleman Brendan
It is necessary to remove the self to access the Unfolding in which all true comedy occurs.
In some ways, I, too, am a weird rune, children.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
'holding something back' is how he interprets 'bored'.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
For a second I thought Wyrdrune and Modred had cast aside their inhibitions and made passionate love and no..,,,,,
gellaho
Classic boner headache. You fellas know what I'm talking about
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
This is the wizard way of working up the courage to ask if he can put it in the butt
Gentleman Brendan
This was sweet.
Gentleman Brendan
Okay, different readings.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Wyrdrune needs some medication and a therapist.
gellaho
"When that didn't work, Wyrdrune started punching her"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
gellaho
Modred actually does that to a child
Gentleman Brendan
The fact that Leslie takes a final swipe after the nun tells him to move on...
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
My dude this is why she is contemplating fucking someone else, every time she doesnt wake up instantly you body slam her.
Gentleman Brendan
Billy and Kira have a Force diad.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Modred woke Billy up by slapping him and not piledriving him. WYRDRUNE!
gellaho
What a pleasant man
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Modred is what Frank Hardy wishes he could be
gellaho
Kanno: Murder Fuckboy
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Kanno's kind of living the dream. Except for the murders
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Kanno, you bitch and moan alot for a guy who is getting everything he wants.
gellaho
"Quite accomplished boffing, madame"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Oh this dark goddess just wants to fuck and breathe arcane power into my bones, its awful."
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Oh, I see. He's unhappy because she won't use the whips
Gentleman Brendan
Kanno's getting a little inscrutable for my comfort.
gellaho
Pay no attention to my crotch
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"She does amazing things to my dick and butthole and it sucks."
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Kanno's just imagining this while masturbating in the police station bathroom stall
gellaho
Evil? If only there were some sign!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Wait.........this is a SHOCK to you, the Evil Wizard Kanno?!
Like.........what the fuck man?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
The evil lady was secretly EVIL?!
Gentleman Brendan
Kanno may be a Necromancer, but he's a patriot.
gellaho
Bone, indeed
gellaho
Appropriate for Episode 69 of the cage, I would say
Gentleman Brendan
The girl with the dragon tattoo that she controlled on someone else's body.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
nice.........
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
What if the IMMORTAL wouldn't die?
What did you study the past 20 years, Kanno?
gellaho
Enjoy this list of blades
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Tantos aren't for fighting. One star.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Okay fair is fair, kukri knives are fucking rad.
And fuck the British for not appreciating the Gurkhas enough.
Among other things.
LyraV
This I can get behind.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They're describing my favorite store in the mall.
gellaho
Wyrdrune is confused for a weeb
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Next to the tantos with the futuristic textured grips was a slushie machine and a display of cheap throwing stars."
LyraV
The one with the dusty bat'leth behind the counter mounted and possibly framed.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I never thought "weeb" would sound better, but "Japanophile" sounds really gross
gellaho
Modred's a little guy
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Yeah pedophiles have really ruined the general use of -philia.
gellaho
The insults hadn't been perfected in 1991
gellaho
Really ruined the reputation of all the upstanding necrophiles
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
We just called them "Nerds" back then.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
How we doing on progress through the book? We gonna be able to finish it tonight or is this going to be a two-parter?
gellaho
You really want to prank the Yakuza
gellaho
Page 114/214. I can usually skip a lot at the end. We'll see
He's cool with it
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"May I offer you some panties?"
Gentleman Brendan
They're describing the ONLY store in the mall.
gellaho
Akiro, Akiro, Akiro
gellaho
Why can't I be like Kanno?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Akiro calls up the police tipline to confess every time he kills a spider
Gentleman Brendan
The anti-Morpheus, if you will.
gellaho
At least Akiro's wife likes him
gellaho
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Where he wept"
Gentleman Brendan
Mrs. Akiro LOVES a fat ass.
gellaho
More characters! More Yakuza!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
NISHI!
A son turning against his own father is even worse than human trafficking or using that warm towel at restaurants on your face
Gentleman Brendan
White people just GET Japan because they read Michael Crichton.
gellaho
Anyway, those Yakuza are going to try to kill the Scooby Gang. I'm sure that won't get confusing
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
This is what every American thinks is being said when a bilingual person doesn't speak English
gellaho
LIIIIPS
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"Which two fingers?"
"Not yours."
gellaho
"So, you are a free dirty cop?"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
"It's just sex. I swear!"
gellaho
Wakka wakka
gellaho
Deadmeat 1 and 2
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
They knew if they crossed the Don that they'd be getting an offer they couldn't refuse upstate with the fishes cannoli best slice in town
gellaho
Yeah, dead as fuck
gellaho
RIP
gellaho
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Wings?
Kanno got a western dragon tattoo?
Gentleman Brendan
Post-collapse, dragons were real and it was revealed they all had wings.
Come on, this is basic stuff.
gellaho
The sex did not seem to help Akiro
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Akiro the constant buzzkill.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Eeyore Akiro
Gentleman Brendan
Men are never sadder than after sex.
gellaho
Ah, Japanese Miles O'Brien
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
That explains a lot, really
gellaho
Kanno done gone and fucked with the mob
gellaho
"I'm in the mob, what do I care?"
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
It is weird how the yakuza seem to care about not involving civilians more than other mafia. Unless they owe money
gellaho
Kanno's security sucks
Gentleman Brendan
They have teleportation now but they still fly planes?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Hey, he's a necromancer. Warding is...wait, what DID he learn from 20 years' study?
Teleportation is arduous or something in this world
gellaho
Good to know Wyrdrune still sucks
gellaho
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Next, Wyrdrune lights some road flares for them to pin to their lapels
Gentleman Brendan
A flashlight would have been safer and less energy consumption.
gellaho
Most people can't use magic
Gentleman Brendan
But noooooo collapsetech is verboten
Gentleman Brendan
But all planes are flown by magicians.
gellaho
Planes can carry many people
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
And they're a lot less safe than regular planes.
gellaho
Much like how I can fly in a plane without knowing how to pilot a plane
Gentleman Brendan
They could teleport the planes!
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
I'm sorry, I think I need to bow out. Nasty migraine is not going away. But thank you for the book read, @gellaho ! Great riffing everyone! Have a good night!
Gentleman Brendan
A loss for the world. Feel better.
If you die, I will send green orbs to your memorial.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Sorry to hear that, @FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer , feel better.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer
Thanks everybody. I'll be fine by tomorrow. Have a good one!
I look forward to reading the rest of this later!
gellaho
The Yakuza show up to add some bodies
gellaho
Say goodbye to the Yakuza
LyraV
Brutal
gellaho
And Billy has achieved his Knight Gorlois form
Gentleman Brendan
Did they have sex with the head?
LyraV
You already know the answer in your heart.
gellaho
Then he kills many zombies
Gentleman Brendan
Wheat, famous for turning into dying snakes.
gellaho
Gor blimey, indeed
Gentleman Brendan
KNOWN for...this Alex Schmidt voice you're hearing.
Find out why necromancy is secretly, incredibly fascinRy'Neh P'tuah Gl'rugga Pf'tha
gellaho
And all the Yakuza exploded
gellaho
"Oh, geez," thought Akiro
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He just felt tired, helpless, and really, really ugly.
gellaho
This gives Akiro the power to solve the case and suit up
gellaho
Our heroes spend a lot of time talking at a McDonald's
Little of incident occurs
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He calls his gun the Compensator.
Gentleman Brendan
#thechauffeurdidntkillhimself
gellaho
Akiro and the old mage finally catch up with the plot
gellaho
The traitorous son dies
Gentleman Brendan
That's gonna disappoint Don Other Yakuza Guy
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Ginza monster is kind of a lackluster name for a serial killer.
Especially a magic one.
gellaho
Leila gonna make that there Mt Fuji erupt
gellaho
Yakuza assassins take out the Don and the street cop
Gentleman Brendan
Having magicians is demonstrably worse than having technology.
One asshole is a bulletproof al-Qaeda
Mo-lemite, Motherfucker
oh, but when I call mine a "bulletproof al-Qaeda" I'm "weird" and "an abomination"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Ninias with machine guns is straight out of an 80s Cannon movie.
gellaho
Yohaku takes out most of the Yakuza himself
gellaho
Lightning eyes seems painful
LyraV
What's a little electricity right next to your brain?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He's going to be seeing afterimages for hours.
gellaho
Wyrdrune brutalizes several men
Gentleman Brendan
He Neo'd them!
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
Billy reminds us he is The Worldender
gellaho
Akiro really wants to die on the job
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That was obvious from the beginning of the book.
gellaho
Modred tortures the Yakuza assassin
gellaho
Then his magic runestone fucking ends him
gellaho
I guess Kanno did that
Gentleman Brendan
So Mrs. Akiro is single now, eh?
gellaho
No, Akiro takes out Kanno
gellaho
Standard Wizard of 4th Street
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Redhead sex magic is no match for a gun.
LyraV
Fact.
gellaho
Kanno either fully turned into a dragon, or the dragon escaped
gellaho
Escaped
gellaho
So "too old for this shit" detective wins again
Wyrdrune gets Modred's stone
gellaho
Kanno's dragon comes by and fucks up Leila
gellaho
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Wait her plan was to turn Kanno into a dragon so it could eat her?
gellaho
Then she turns into a dragon and begins mortal combat
Gentleman Brendan
I think Kanno was meant to live to control the dragon
gellaho
No, this is Kanno taking revenge? I'm not sure if he is the dragon now or if the dragon is doing its own thing
Then Leila gets fucking obliterated by the Living Triangle's death beam
gellaho
I guess it's law that someone has to absorb someone else in these books
Gentleman Brendan
Demonicus ex machina
gellaho
Excelsior!
Gentleman Brendan
WUB!
gellaho
Good thing there are no cameras in future Japan
Gentleman Brendan
covering up magic
gellaho
Don't ask Simon to explain, he just really wants to end this book
gellaho
Pirate turned the Commodore into a stud
Gentleman Brendan
Hawke never has one conversation when four repetitive musings on ontology will do
gellaho
And we end with Wyrdrune cucking himself
gellaho
Weird
LyraV
Alright lots of interesting implications there.
gellaho
Anyway, we have defeated The Samurai Wizard
Gentleman Brendan
yay
gellaho
That concludes this edition of The Book Cage
gellaho
Don't any of you go absorbing your friends, now
Gentleman Brendan
Hawke days are always fun
LyraV
Well done everyone! You were all in fine form.
Gentleman Brendan
Food for thought: is mordred now Wyrdrune's Rommel?
LyraV
I have no idea, these books are incredibly strange.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Good job everyone.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
No promises but I'll do my best.
Gentleman Brendan
Pour out a mana potion for FancyShark. Gone, but not absorbed.
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer — Yesterday at 10:41 AM
Stupid migraine made me miss out on what looks like a really metal ending. But I guess absorption is how Simon's getting around the excessive number of characters?
FancyShark, Foe of Flip Hammer — Yesterday at 11:02 AM
