THE NEW AToms' BOMBSHELL Robert Browne

Madder than the Mets... Dippier than the Dodgers... And more exasperating than the Cubs or the White Sox-The new AToms had nowhere to go but up!

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gellaho
The Book Cage - Episode 71: THE NEW AToms' BOMBSHELL
Baseball is here again, and this time we are travelling to the far off year of 2002. How did baseball look 20 years ago? In 1980, it seemed ridiculous that the Chicago Cubs would not have won a World Series. Hilariously, it wouldn't happen in real life until 2016. Nevertheless, in this reality, all Chicago baseball coalesced into one team with a very stupid name, and very full of losers. This stories is told very strangely, with a protagonist who never knows what's going on, and who has to keep his identity secret for...reasons. Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we read a baseball book written by a man who had to ask an umpire what the rules to baseball are.
gellaho
gellaho
It's a weird Willy Wonka meets baseball...thing
FlippMatt Sausage
should be awesome because I also do not know what the rules of baseball are.
gellaho
Neither does Robert Browne. He also doesn't understand the world at large based on some of the nonsense in there
Neither did the cover artist, who completely missed that second base is right behind the pitcher
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Wait if there's one team, who do they play?
gellaho
Should say all baseball in Chicago
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Oh okay.
gellaho
Just checked, that's also wrong. I guess the two Chicago teams folded, and then two other teams combined and moved to Chicago
More complicated than it needs to be, which is a good indicator of this book's whole deal
FlippMatt Sausage
"Oh God! Mr. President! There's a dire situation in Chicago! They are RUNNING OUT OF BASEBALL!"
In this dystopian future the President of Mexamericanada and the Lunar Republics is also the President of Baseball.
FancyShark
"General, prep Air Force One. You're going to take me out to the ballgame."
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
So now that's stuck in my head.
public jakesy no. 1
Unfortunately that umpire he asked was Angel Hernandez
Can't wait to yell Moneyball quotes into the void on Friday
gellaho
Coming up at the start of the next hour, the first pitch will be thrown in the windy city. Right now, let's here it for the starting lineup of your Chicago AToms!
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Lead batter? Is that a thing?
FancyShark
So wacky!
gellaho
It's the first batter. The lead-off hitter
This book was manufactured weird, it has layers like sedentary rock
FancyShark
, maaaaaaan
gellaho
Crazy ... but baseball!
FancyShark
I think I need to sit down after hearing THAT premise!
FancyShark
Who's ready for baseball?
gellaho
FlippMatt Sausage
Futurepast baseball!
FancyShark
He forgot the "I'm Sorry"
island fox Djonin
Besböl
Dolphin cop Thrillho
In Spanish it's beisbol
FancyShark
To this ball of bases, we salute you
FlippMatt Sausage
YOu know who liked baseball? CASTRO!
island fox Djonin
Haha really? That's rad
gellaho
That's what you want from your baseball writer, a lack of familiarity
island fox Djonin
ベースボール
FancyShark
Certain rules like "runs" and "bat"
FlippMatt Sausage
"Basubaru"
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
You mean ¡¡¡¡¡beisbOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!
island fox Djonin
Besubōru
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Rude! We don't use that kind of language to describe women or squid anymore!
gellaho
Time to travel all the way forward to 2002
gellaho
We begin our baseball journey in a college cemetery
FlippMatt Sausage
"I AM BESBALLIUS! I COME FROM THE FIFTH DIMENSION, A DIMENSION OF PURE SPORT! BRING ME YOUR FEEBLE BASEBALL CHAMPIONS SO THAT I MAY CRUSH THEM!"
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Mummy bandages and space helmets, huh. Futuristic.
Gentleman Brendan
hahaha they called this Vector Analysis
FlippMatt Sausage
"Free burial" is not the benefit the chairman thinks it is.
FancyShark
Man, imaging being buried at work. That's only a step or two above getting mulched
Rat Soup Eating GDC
If the cemetery is university owned isn't it part of the campus?
Gentleman Brendan
You ever feel just consuming this much culture you could go back to the 1970s and take over all of entertainment?
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
It is in this economy.
Gentleman Brendan
A STRONG START.
gellaho
Let me tell you, this goes on for a while, and does not matter
Gentleman Brendan
My campus had a jesuit graveyard
they had to replace all the tombstones in the future year of 2002 because my drunk shithead classmates kept knocking them over.
FancyShark
Not enough books start with a graveyard and a grassy knoll
LyraV
Fuck yeah, that sounds dope, the graveyard not the destruction
gellaho
This is a book about baseball
Gentleman Brendan
So few knolls are ungrassy these days.
FlippMatt Sausage
Sweaty graveyard! It really brings in the kids.
island fox Djonin
Baseball, more like Spaceball
FlippMatt Sausage
"Your credits wont transfer but we have a sweaty graveyard."
Gentleman Brendan
Dying untenured at 49 without ever experiencing the joys of Atomic Baseball: what a tragic loser.
LyraV
I genuinely enjoy graveyards, they're quiet and I'm reformed goth.
Gentleman Brendan
I like graveyards because they're rare green space in this city and everybody cool is buried there.
gellaho
The nostalgia of college graveyard baseball
FlippMatt Sausage
"Cynicism? AT MY PRIVATE UNIVERSITY? POPPYCOCK AND BALDERDASH!"
LyraV
Get out of my sunfield you rapscallions!
FlippMatt Sausage
The fuck is Work Up?
FancyShark
It's that fun new 2002 game
Rat Soup Eating GDC
He needs to sun himself like a lizard, I guess.
FlippMatt Sausage
Are these kids the Bad News Bears of Work Up?
gellaho
The funny thing is that the was written in 1980
FlippMatt Sausage
Are we or are we not getting a Great Hambino appearance?
LyraV
It's played on a Rhombus so you know it's good.
gellaho
Interrupted by BEEF
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
"A critical voice? In academia?" Spits out his Pim's cup
FlippMatt Sausage
Matt sounds like a wuss, being talked to is like getting punched?
LyraV
If someone hits you like a punch in the lower back, avoid them.
FancyShark
This graveyard is lively
Rat Soup Eating GDC
Conan got the jump on Matt there
Gentleman Brendan
Sliding to your death on a tombstone is...not irony, but like it feels irony has moved on from there.
gellaho
BEEF insults nerdy professor
FlippMatt Sausage
"YOU LOOK LIKE A FLABBY BITCH, BROTHER! HULKSTER GONNA BANG YOUR WIFE!
FancyShark
Church league softball. Because what better way to make your child spend the afternoon doing something they don't want to do than to combine two things that already bore them
gellaho
Knocked him right into desecration
FlippMatt Sausage
Because I've decided 2002 Hulk Hogan is in this scene.
FancyShark
Meanwhile, there's a family that's certain the Arby's bag they have on the mantle is their grandmother's ashes
LyraV
I'm seeing the Dean from China, IL
Gentleman Brendan
I'm so confused. The owner of the AToms is hanging out in a baseball cemetery on a campus?
FlippMatt Sausage
"DAMN RIGHT I OWN THE ATOMS BROTHER! NOW GRAB A STICK AND STEP INTO THE SQUARED.......DIAMOND........RHOMBUS. WHATEVER!"
gellaho
Nobody cares about her, she didn't have tenure
The thriving newspapers of the future
FlippMatt Sausage
And then there was the time he choked out the dude from Law and Order.
FancyShark
THE Chicago News?
My god, this author knows their shit
gellaho
Visiting some grave. Don't worry about whose
Rat Soup Eating GDC
Lots of slow news days in the chicago of future past
FancyShark
Matt Paradise is definitely a professor and not a softcore porn character
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Oh man, I've bought so many papers for the sports columnists rehashing the same debate over and over.
FancyShark
"The actual Senators, not a team"
gellaho
Fuck those kids and their tuition, baseball!
LyraV
I've got CANDY
FlippMatt Sausage
"Ah what the hell, I have tenure."
Gentleman Brendan
The hero resists the call of beef
FlippMatt Sausage
OH GOD MATT IS BESBALLIUS!
gellaho
Then: steroids saved the day!
FancyShark
Nothing good starts with "it'll just take a few hours"
FlippMatt Sausage
He goes back in time after attaining the Heroes Apotheosis!
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Except maybe building a deck.
gellaho
The dying sport of baseball
FancyShark
And that gimmick? Running Man
FlippMatt Sausage
"BASEBALL NEEDS A GIMMICK BROTHER! LIKE STORYLINES AND HEEL TURNS!"
LyraV
Shrinking people down and putting them inside the baseballs!
FlippMatt Sausage
"A MOTHERFUCKER WITH A BIG SNAKE!"
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Sports gimmicks, always the right answer. That's why bikini football is such a big league.
gellaho
Remember: Manhattan Stadium is in Chicago. It'll come up
FancyShark
This gimmick better involve Dom Deluise in a sidecar
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
I mean, the Jazz play in Utah.
Gentleman Brendan
At least they got the asshole owners part right.
FancyShark
Some things are timeless
Gentleman Brendan
The LFL is WAY better football than the NFL. I will die on this hill.
Like I wish they had regular uniforms so I didn't have to qualify why I love the LFL.
gellaho
Established by the merger of two teams, but not the Chicago Cubs and White Sox
gellaho
That would make too much sense
Gentleman Brendan
I have interviewed SO MANY LFL players and they all fucking rock.
They make no money, they're just in it for the bloodlust.
gellaho
Also: naming team after yourself
FlippMatt Sausage
"IF THERES ONE THING THE HULKSTER LOVES, ITS NUCLEAR BOMBS BROTHER!"
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
I mean, are you ashamed of saying "and sure, I also like titties"?
Gentleman Brendan
That's a crap name, Tom. You could have called them the A-Tom Bombs.
FancyShark
Because if Chicago wants to be remembered for one thing, it's multiple instances of people dying in flames
gellaho
Presenting: metaphors
Gentleman Brendan
I ran Man Cave Daily for four years. I have zero to prove on my tittability
FlippMatt Sausage
"It was almost like nobody gave a shit about baseball anymore."
gellaho
Atom bumbs and orgasmic splendor
FancyShark
"No one cared about baseball" insinuates the author who had to get help to learn how baseball works
FlippMatt Sausage
Ew please dont call it an orgasm.
Mr. Author.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Horniness levels rising steadily.
gellaho
But again, not affiliated with the White Sox
FancyShark
If someone has an orgasm at a baseball game, it's 100% because of something that will later be explained to a judge
FlippMatt Sausage
WHITE WITH CUM! From the orgasm.
gellaho
But a baseball argument sold newspapers
So who knows
This fact is going to make the events of this book make no sense
FancyShark
Manhattan Stadium: Just Drenched in the Orgasms of Baseball
FlippMatt Sausage
This isnt a very realistic representation of Chicago because nobody has mentioned Chicago style pizza yet.
FancyShark
Or hot dogs
FlippMatt Sausage
Or crime.
Those are how you identify a Chicago native.
gellaho
I mean, football literally moves horizontally but whatever
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Or how it's superior to NY pizza.
FancyShark
oh god, he's going to explain baseball
Gentleman Brendan
It was always right there in the name. We just didn't know how stiff those socks were.
LyraV
Tennis is like a vinegar baking soda volcano.
FlippMatt Sausage
The Red Sox have a serious health condition but nobody cares about them.
Gentleman Brendan
I thought crime was how everyone outside chicago who watched too much fox identified it.
FancyShark
That too
It's very versatile!
Gentleman Brendan
This is patently wrong.
Not you, him.
FlippMatt Sausage
If its got a braggy tone, its a native, if its horrified and a little racist, that's Fox News.
gellaho
The flowery metaphor really adds to the next sentence
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Basketball proceeds in an exothermic spontaneous reaction with a catalytic converter.
Gentleman Brendan
Turn-based sports are the least gripping sports.
FancyShark
Also if it's sort of apologetic, resigned, and/or specifies the areas that are safe without getting racist, it's a native
Gentleman Brendan
Football's over there not even speaking baseball's name.
gellaho
Come, see the unstable owner
Gentleman Brendan
Hockey proceeds in a cold fusion
This is like the Ayn Rand of sci-fi baseball.
FancyShark
And bowling's just happy to be there
Gentleman Brendan
Actually in 2002 all bowling became self-hypnosis based.
FlippMatt Sausage
So far this author is waxing very poetic about a sport they arent familiar with.
FancyShark
hahaha, how quickly I forget
gellaho
Spiritualist
FancyShark
He's trying to impress a sporty girl
FlippMatt Sausage
He's getting that old time religion, by which i mean he's shrieking death threats and looking for something to throw.
FancyShark
Weaving and bobbing seem more like boxing maneuvers, but who am I to judge?
LyraV
Crooning is something you often hear in baseball.
FlippMatt Sausage
A real baseball fan would know that a real baseball fan has a sack of D cell batteries to throw as a means of expressing displeasure.
gellaho
Love to see a "two" typo. And our main character whining
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Somebody more qualified than this dingus.
Gentleman Brendan
Tom is the Vince McMahon of atomic baseball
gellaho
Get excited about the project
FlippMatt Sausage
Matt is such a nerd he eats antacids for no reason.
FancyShark
Sam is either insane or turning into a werewolf
FlippMatt Sausage
Also: THE PROJECT!
gellaho
What baseball crimes had Tom committed?
FancyShark
This is a Batman villain speech
FlippMatt Sausage
Um.........gift of life? My guy, Chicago probably can live without a baseball team.
gellaho
Time to dump a body in Lake Michigan
Gentleman Brendan
Tom is definitely a billionaire.
FancyShark
Chicago has vestigial sports teams, dude. It's not a place to make a name for yourself
FlippMatt Sausage
Their unique approach to soup based pizza alone can keep a megalopolis on the map.
FancyShark
Lasagna with Pie Crust is delicious and I will not hear slander against it
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
No alternative? Just... Go in the opposite direction.
gellaho
TIME FOR TUBES
FancyShark
You're going into Lake Michigan? Jesus, you ARE crazy
gellaho
TUBES!
FlippMatt Sausage
This better be Sam asking Matt to join Cobra's baseball team and perfect their sports cyborg.
Also explaining docking clamps like its high tech 2002 tech is very 1980s
FancyShark
I hope this whole thing is setting up a trebuchet pitching machine
gellaho
Tempraglas
gellaho
Not Tempraglass
You put that second s on there, so help me
FlippMatt Sausage
Matt is flabbergasted by aquariums.
FancyShark
"Welcome to the Chocolate Factory"
FlippMatt Sausage
Also its hilarious that he can see anything.
gellaho
Nobody noticed the three mile dome under Lake Michigan
gellaho
This is the first of multiple Wanka-ings
FlippMatt Sausage
"Ive got a goooolden tiiiiicket! (to baseball)"
FancyShark
Veruca Salt The Earth
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Hehe, wankaings. He's a wankaer.
gellaho
WHAT DOES IT DO?
FlippMatt Sausage
Augustus Gloop is a seven foot tall Austrian roid monster and spits tobacco juice all over.
LyraV
The snozberries taste like baseballs.
FlippMatt Sausage
Man you brought this academic you dont know down here to show off your underwater stadium?
Jeff Bezos should take notes.
gellaho
We going to explain what a Progmobile is? No? Alright.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
The view of notjing but brown water beyond the dome must be just beautiful.
FlippMatt Sausage
It runs on the power of prog rock.
FancyShark
A man builds an underwater, atomic powered structure in the heart of a major city, is described as insane, and somehow isn't a Bond villain
FlippMatt Sausage
Currently Sam is singing King Crimson lyrics into the gas tank.
gellaho
THE DRIVE-IN WILL LIVE FOREVER
FancyShark
75000 vehicle lot? You have to get to a parking garage if you don't get one of the twelve spots near the Rosemont center
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
It takes five minutes until it really gets going, and the minimum trip length is fourteen minutes.
FlippMatt Sausage
And nobody noticed this guy building this shit in the lake.
gellaho
Sounds like an ex-ballplayer to me
FlippMatt Sausage
Or: Matt is terminally checked out.
LyraV
Mound Man is GOD here
FlippMatt Sausage
And everyone else has been talking about it for months.
FancyShark
If it's not da Bears or beer, it's old news already
FlippMatt Sausage
Seen from above the pitchers mound is shaped like a dick to channel ancient symbolic forces.
gellaho
"I will royally fuck up Lake Michigan for baseball"
FlippMatt Sausage
Also a spiral.
Spiral dick.
gellaho
Tom Samuel loses his goddamned mind
FancyShark
Gordon Lightfoot's song about the stadium is going to be EPIC
FlippMatt Sausage
Lake Michigan is already fucked up so this couldnt really hurt.
The great lakes are the kind of bodies of water that occassionally catch fire.
FancyShark
"Those fools at the Baseball Academy laughed at me!"
FlippMatt Sausage
Chicago is basically Ankh-Morpork.
gellaho
FUCK YOU RANDOM STRANGER I SHOWED ALL MY SECRETS
FlippMatt Sausage
This is a good way to get Falcon Punched by a billionaire.
FancyShark
Sam's just one of those guys that yells about chemtrails on streetcorners, but with lots of money
gellaho
ALL PRAISE THE NEW BASEBALL FLESH
FancyShark
"Fear the Old Ballgame"
FlippMatt Sausage
"I'm getting it from YOU Matt. You have perfect baseball genes."
gellaho
Here are some comps
FlippMatt Sausage
"BECAUSE I AM YOUR CLONE BROTHER MATT! YOU AND I ARE JUST INFERIOR COPIES OF THE OLD MAN!"
FancyShark
"hrrrm...the Old Man?"
gellaho
A year later
FancyShark
An entire year with no one noticing a massive drain on the city's power grid whenever Sam uses the microwave
gellaho
And... dead
gellaho
FlippMatt Sausage
Even in fiction the Yankees are better than everyone else.
Thats kind of sad.
Like dare to dream, man.
gellaho
MONTHS LATER: the deadly classrooms of academia
FancyShark
GO SAWKS!
Gentleman Brendan
You get me, Shark. You get me.
FlippMatt Sausage
"The faculty covered up her death by making it look like a suicide."
gellaho
But, why though? Why any of this Robert Browne?
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Has this guy ever been in a lecture hall?
FancyShark
"Pointed fondly" at the spot her head cracked open
Gentleman Brendan
At least he doesn't expect the taxpayers to shell out $1b to pay for it.
FlippMatt Sausage
God this baseball book is as boring as actual baseball.
Shut up and do sports, Matt.
You flabby bitch.
gellaho
Hey, hey, Robert. The fuck though
FlippMatt Sausage
MATT NO!
NO!
NO NO NO!
Gentleman Brendan
He brought him here to understand, and then immediately got mad he couldn't possibly understand.
FancyShark
At least this book isn't making us play the game even though we just want to stay home and maybe call up our friend and go read comics and not get embarrassed in front of dozens of over-competitive parents, MOM
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
...fuck this horniness.
gellaho
Later: pervy secretary
FlippMatt Sausage
God its good Matt is a nerd and doesnt know how to fuck.
Gentleman Brendan
Tom Samuel is definitely Kaine to Matt's Ben Reilly.
FancyShark
LIIIIIIPS
LyraV
I like adding that he reminded himself she might waste his time, what a hero.
Gentleman Brendan
Kaine confirmed.
FlippMatt Sausage
I appreciate a good Ben Reilly reference.
Also his secretary is kind of mean but Matt seems like he deserves the bullying.
FancyShark
We're going to get into a whole shame fetish from the author, aren't we?
Gentleman Brendan
This is the exact plot of S1M0NE but with baseball instead of beautiful women
gellaho
The lawyers represent a buyer for the AToms, which Matt now owns. For some reason, nobody told him
Gentleman Brendan
Lipstick fingers? Hahaha what did he have to pry it out of her mouth so it didn't tear?
LyraV
Yes lawyers, known for their elaborate gags.
gellaho
Kind of, but in a weird way
Gentleman Brendan
Matt, I'm going to be honest. You can't afford the property taxes on a $7b underwater glass nuclear explosion.
LyraV
I mean Ball Gags, sure but not pranks.
gellaho
Here's the plot, only 28 pages in
FancyShark
Matt Valentine is your everyday tenure professor. Until one day he learns he has to <RECORD SCRATCH> MANAGE A BASEBALL TEAM IN AN UNDERWATER STADIUM CONSTRUCTED BY A MADMAN!
FlippMatt Sausage
The permitting alone...............
Gentleman Brendan
This is an exceptional contextual pun.
FancyShark
gellaho
Who likes legal documents!
Gentleman Brendan
Matt must lose every single penny and have nothing to show for it except a world series...trophy? Belt?
FancyShark
I think they get a pizza party?
Gentleman Brendan
Honestly, I would watch the shit out of this comedy starring Jack Black.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Purse.
gellaho
Airtight huh
FlippMatt Sausage
Did this motherfucker write a rejected script for a sci-fi Major League?!
FancyShark
Alternately, I would watch the shit out of this taught psychological thriller with Nicholas Cage
FlippMatt Sausage
Because this is some Major League shit and if Pedro Cerrano doesnt hit a curve ball then FUCK YOU JOBU!
Gentleman Brendan
Tasked with getting people excited about baseball just after the Yankees lost the 9/11 world series. OOF.
gellaho
Matt is offered $500,000
FancyShark
I'm sorry, did it say what happens if he says no?
gellaho
I will remind you that he had not been to a baseball stadium before a year ago
gellaho
He doesn't get anything
FlippMatt Sausage
And he's going to pitch a full game?
gellaho
A full season
FlippMatt Sausage
Sam called him a flabby bitch last year.
This is going to go awesome.
FancyShark
This author doesn't quite understand stakes
FlippMatt Sausage
Also 500k in 2002 is not going as far as the author thinks.
That wont even pay for one player.
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
Oh shit we are talking about my job in here?
FlippMatt Sausage
's shoes.
gellaho
Just take the money, dipshit
FlippMatt Sausage
I mean take the money and run.
You flabby non sports bitch.
FancyShark
Abt natural
Gentleman Brendan
He did eat a hot dog though, and that's 80% of it.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Just pitch like a bitch for a year and then quit.
FlippMatt Sausage
I mean I am also a flabby non sports bitch but for 600 thousand dollars I'd at least try.
Gentleman Brendan
You have nothing to lose, and you just negotiated an extra year's pay.
FancyShark
Taking a piss at the trough urinal while avoiding eye contact with the other people is the other 20%
gellaho
Considering what he gets for playing the entire series and running a baseball team is just $1,000,00, just take the 600k
Gentleman Brendan
I would absolutely go watch a ball game starring a guy as hapless as me. This team can't lose money, only playoffs.
FlippMatt Sausage
Also a million in 2002 money.
gellaho
Spoiler alert, he's going to do something very stupid
FlippMatt Sausage
Futurepast money as well, who even knows what that could be worth?!
gellaho
Great lawyering
FancyShark
Flippant called it. This is sci-fi Major League
FlippMatt Sausage
Oh fuck yeah watching some academic try and haul his semi translucent grublike body around a baseball field while the Steroid Monsters laugh at his ass?
Id watch that.
Gentleman Brendan
No joke in all of F Is for Family resonated with me quite so hard as that mock-Fenway trough gag, and there was an entire season of a kid crying for a girl with my ex's name.
gellaho
This really seems like there is a passion for baseball, Robert. Love the inconsistency
FlippMatt Sausage
The lawyer: "My client was a complete asshole and now he's paying me to fuck with you from beyond the grave."
FancyShark
"Rape of baseball" is pretty strong language to throw around, writer
gellaho
But nobody cares about the game
Clearly
FlippMatt Sausage
"rape of baseball"..............the writer isnt Alejandro Jodorowsky secretly, right?
gellaho
Random quote, what's up
FancyShark
Damn Narration Ghost is back
gellaho
Do nerds dream of legal documents?
FlippMatt Sausage
My guy..........imaginations work fine post 2000.
I am imagining shit right now.
Its rad.
LyraV
Me too!
FancyShark
This all feels like it was meant to be a musical
FlippMatt Sausage
For instance I'm imagining that someone competent wrote a sci-fi sequel to Major League.
gellaho
Seems highly impractical
Gentleman Brendan
The Buckethead of Baseball only works if you're good at it.
FlippMatt Sausage
Leslie Nielson is there.
And pre Murder OJ Simpson.
FancyShark
There's a filing system that can't fail
gellaho
Monocle pop
Gentleman Brendan
Goodbye, Mr. Paradise is the middle-aged woman reinvents herself movie we should have gotten from Casino-era Sharon Stone and you know what? This was too much. Too much extended imagination.
FancyShark
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
MY ELEGANT BOY
Gentleman Brendan
The death of baseball was the death of our national soul.
Rat Soup Eating GDC
Sorry I can't be around for this one, I have to go sit next to a river and drink some beer.
FlippMatt Sausage
I just started watching that and now I understand the reference!
gellaho
Remember: never been to a baseball stadium
FancyShark
Aw, okay. We'll miss you, @Rat Soup Eating GDC !
Gentleman Brendan
Bye and also smart move.
LyraV
Fuck yeah, that sounds awesome, have fun @Rat Soup Eating GDC
gellaho
Remember: Manhattan Stadium is in Chicago. It's about to get confusing
Gentleman Brendan
You can't be serious about absolutely wrecking this asshole's dream for a million dollars and a free chance to pitch the major leagues.
chloe voted for judy f hops
Well yea it's named Manhattan after the drink, famously loved by every player
LyraV
He has to, his DREAMS told him this was a good idea.
Gentleman Brendan
Like I might pay $1000 to ruin a dead billionaire's dream from beyond the grave.
gellaho
MIND FUCKIN BLOWN
chloe voted for judy f hops
WOAH
HOLD THE FUCK UP
FancyShark
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE
Gentleman Brendan
It's also New York County! And state.
chloe voted for judy f hops
WHEN WAS SOMEONE GONNA TELL ME
FlippMatt Sausage
Hahahahah Futurepast Baseball Elon Musk really miscalculated when he bullied DOCTOR PARADISE! PROFESSOR AND CRIME FIGHTER!
LyraV
🤣
It's too much man.
His editors only note here was 'It sure is buddy'
gellaho
Remember that Dr Norbert was a college professor teaching undergrad stat
gellaho
It is very important you remember that
FlippMatt Sausage
Author would do great on Where In the World Is Carmen Sandiego.
chloe voted for judy f hops
Bold assumption you have about there being editors
FancyShark
Robert knew that was going to be the line they quoted for his Pulitzer and his Hugo
FlippMatt Sausage
Hehehehe Norbert.
gellaho
BEGIN THE APPLICATION PROCESS
FlippMatt Sausage
Matts gonna use Sabermetrics and Moneyball the shit out of this team.
FancyShark
Or you could see the less good doctor and have to deal with Colin Baker
chloe voted for judy f hops
Lot of paperwork to watch a show about an autistic doctor
gellaho
Nicotine will begin your magical professorial journey
FlippMatt Sausage
Sick, Guide dogs for the sighted!
FancyShark
"I named her after the thing that killed my wife"
FlippMatt Sausage
I approve.
Dr. Norbert is a good host.
chloe voted for judy f hops
Everyone should name their dog after their addiction
"CMERE SPEED!" "HEROIN, GET OVER HERE"
gellaho
Statistics professors live in James Bond villain lairs, right?
FlippMatt Sausage
"This one is Dangerous Ladyboys, and that one is Cheeseburger."
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
That's why my friend named his dog Genshin: Immortal
FancyShark
My dogs would be named "Comedy", "Video Games" and "That Folder I Don't Show People"
gellaho
Now begins the second Wanka-ing
gellaho
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
The hamb$ne emoji folder, then?
chloe voted for judy f hops
"Questionable pornography, get your nose away from there"
FancyShark
Nonsense. That one's for everyone
FlippMatt Sausage
"DOCTOR PARADISE!!!! visits his crime fighting compatriot, DOCTOR NORBERT!"
chloe voted for judy f hops
I appreciate that within a page turn this book became absolute gibberish
FancyShark
Dr. Paradise was the less-successful follow-up to Dr. Feelgood
gellaho
All statistics professors have an army of attractive women for their underground lairs
FlippMatt Sausage
Motley Crue should never have given up drugs.
Checking DOCTOR PARADISE!!!!! for ass bombs.
FancyShark
Okay, if this is Major League but sci-fi and every character is a SPECTRE operative, I am going to be angry it sucks
chloe voted for judy f hops
He's working on calculating the statistics of precum getting someone pregnant
FlippMatt Sausage
Little do they know that DOCTOR PARADISE!!!!!! has a false bootheel with a dart gun inside.
gellaho
Aaaaand... Drugged
gellaho
FancyShark
This really is one step away from a Naked Gun or The Tick story
FlippMatt Sausage
MICROVISION! Like television but VERY SMALL!
So small its really a problem!
Still CRT screens tho!
FancyShark
Do the cars work if you don't have mono?
I'll go to hell now
gellaho
Should his voice have changed?
gellaho
And punchcards
FancyShark
Sure. For instance, he could have gone through Future Puberty
FlippMatt Sausage
DOCTOR PARADISE!!!!!! is an accomplished mimic and ventriloquist.
gellaho
But why though
gellaho
chloe voted for judy f hops
Come meet BILLY THE PARADISE PUPPET
gellaho
You're a statistics professor. That's not even real math
FancyShark
"...The amusement park?"
chloe voted for judy f hops
Cmon man you've already been drugged why aren't you drinking more tea
Gentleman Brendan
When does Boleslaw show up to arrest these baseball perverts?
Is Nottingham like famous for its wood?
gellaho
"That doesn't explain anything"
FlippMatt Sausage
"I, DOCTOR NORBERT!!!! was secretly the gentleman thief DOCTOR CRIME!!!!!! THE WHOLE TIME!"
"I STOLE THIS WOOD!"
Gentleman Brendan
I need a Brit. Quick--shark, you're fancy. Is Nottingham wood-famous?
chloe voted for judy f hops
No you're thinking of Knotting-ham
gellaho
I had a psychic vision!
gellaho
Matt's also a psych major
FancyShark
I mean, it's got thieves in the forest. But I'm pretty sure they just have oak
chloe voted for judy f hops
I can't tell if this book wants you to believe the hero is completely stable and everyone else is crazy or if this is a king in yellow situation
gellaho
We all know the tight knit bond between a Psych student and their freshman Intro to Stat professor
FlippMatt Sausage
"DOCTOR PARADISE!!!!!!!!! had a prophetic dream! It led me to your lair DOCTOR CRIME! Now join my baseball team and do math for it!"
Gentleman Brendan
In fair Carcosa, where the mushroom cloud stadium doth unsleep beneath the depths.
gellaho
Statistics,
Gentleman Brendan
Strong argument that Samuel has simply erected a dome over Ry'leh.
FancyShark
@Gentleman Brendan , according to google, Sherwood Forest makes wooden bowls
Gentleman Brendan
NOT TABLES???!?
FlippMatt Sausage
Ry'leh in Lake Michigan.
Gentleman Brendan
this entire outing has been a fiction!
FancyShark
NOT TABLES!
Gentleman Brendan
Wait they really are inventing sabermetrics.
FlippMatt Sausage
Yeah I wasnt kidding about the Moneyball thing.
Gentleman Brendan
Right around the time it actually came forward.
gellaho
Fucking swerving right away from statistics into gobbledygook
chloe voted for judy f hops
THEY LURE YOU IN WITH NEW YORK CITY FACST AND BAMBOOZLE YOU WITH FAKE WOOD
gellaho
Who's ever heard of statistics in baseball?
FancyShark
Like Catan!
gellaho
Could you imagine?
Gentleman Brendan
Seems like this whole society is buzzing about the dead game of baseball.
chloe voted for judy f hops
SON OF A BITCH IVE BEEN GOT AGAIN
FlippMatt Sausage
Academics are fascinated by baseball and this is why nobody else is.
FancyShark
Here, chloe. Soothe your frustrations with painted bowls
https://www.sherwoodforestdesign.com/
Gentleman Brendan
They've got baseball-themed cemeteries, baseball underwater megacities, baseball old men
FlippMatt Sausage
Those are nice bowls.
FancyShark
Baseball: The Thing Everyone's Already Talking About! Tonight at 9. But first, authorities are confounded as to why every animal in Chicago is screaming at the ground
gellaho
So, take this conversation
chloe voted for judy f hops
Hold on lemme put down my rage book where I fill in each page completely with ink when I'm mad
gellaho
Stretch it out to about 100 times
That's what I'm reading right now
FancyShark
You are our hero, gellaho
gellaho
He's going to use computers to predict baseball
FancyShark
So...a baseball video game?
Gentleman Brendan
I don't think they even have computers.
FlippMatt Sausage
Statisticians notoriously dont understand probability, right?
Gentleman Brendan
Aren't real-life coaches doing this now with Madden simulations?
chloe voted for judy f hops
What's ironic about all of this is that I'm reading all of these passages reiterating how boring baseball is and going "yeah! FUCK baseball!" As I'm riding to a twins game
FancyShark
They're very small
FlippMatt Sausage
DOCTOR CRIME!!!!!! is a mentat, he is a living computers.
gellaho
RESTAURANTS ARE ONLY LIMITED BY THEIR FEEBLE IMAGINATIONS
Gentleman Brendan
In Chicago, the Minnesota Twins are called What a Pair of Kangaroos!
FlippMatt Sausage
And they buy all the microtransactions, it sucks.
gellaho
They are going to be breaking many, many rules
Gentleman Brendan
They also call all stadiums Manhattan. It's weird.
chloe voted for judy f hops
BRRRRING ME THE FILLET OF CHILD
FlippMatt Sausage
I yelled something similar about restaurants when I came up with the idea of hotdog sushi.
gellaho
BEHOLD MY TOILET THRONE
FancyShark
I'll take a slice of my grandma's chocolate cake, a wagyu-beef steak with side of creamed spinach, and the number of that air force lady I had a shot with back in college, waiter
FlippMatt Sausage
DOCTOR CRIME!!!!!! IS POOPING AT THIS VERY INSTANT!
HE CANNOT BE STOPPED!
chloe voted for judy f hops
Can I get a picture of my ex stewing on remorse for taking the kids when she left and an xtra large Coke
gellaho
Computers are much easier to use without sight
FancyShark
"...Gary, do we have to narrate EVERYTHING that happens?"
FlippMatt Sausage
"Yes or the radio play wont make sense."
FancyShark
It's so true. I don't even know what your avatars look like
Or what I'm typing
FlippMatt Sausage
"And yes, I know, but radio plays are coming back in 2002! I swear!"
chloe voted for judy f hops
What he won't tell you is he is actually using his heightened senses to smell every penis that enters a mile radius
Gentleman Brendan
"Young man, as an example of my productivity, I am expelling waste even as we speak."
gellaho
Is it though
FancyShark
"I'm hanging up the phone now"
chloe voted for judy f hops
FUCK WHAT A DOPE YLINE BEST LINE IN THE BOOK
Gentleman Brendan
The past's idea of the perfect future was never having to use your feet and ample parking for all 10 billion of us.
gellaho
Hey look, Tracker
chloe voted for judy f hops
Getting "imagination is a higher form of seeing" tattooed over my corneas
FlippMatt Sausage
Man I was kidding about the super villain shit.
But damn.
Gentleman Brendan
So...sonar.
FlippMatt Sausage
DOCTOR CRIME AND HIS AMAZING BRAILLE COMPUTER!
chloe voted for judy f hops
Holy shit what a stupid follow up to the best line
FancyShark
"Pranked by a Bond villain" is such a wasted premise on this writer
chloe voted for judy f hops
He should've just said he smells the shape of his face
gellaho
"I plucked out my own eyes, how are you not getting my deal"
FlippMatt Sausage
More than ONE Bond Villain.
FancyShark
IN THE FUTURRRRE!
One fall out of desper-
Oh, Robert. Someone hurt you
gellaho
I WILL EVENTUALLY REMOVE ALL MY FLESH
chloe voted for judy f hops
Do you not understand that man's meaning on earth is IMPREGNATION, DOCTOR CRIME?!
FlippMatt Sausage
Hey Matt? You were saying shit like this while looking at your students panties so maybe stop judging DOCTOR CRIME!!!!!! maybe?
Gentleman Brendan
This book's idea of a wise man is a guy who can't close his eyes.
FancyShark
Highlander: Staring Contest
gellaho
"FIVE HUNDRED OF YOUR EARTH-YEARS. I mean, years"
FlippMatt Sausage
"YOU'RE A MADMAN DOCTOR CRIME!!!!!, but DOCTOR PARADISE!!!!!! is willing to overlook it if you do math for his basesballed tee-am."
FancyShark
The computer stole the secret of fire from Mrs O'Leary's cow
gellaho
"I wish I could remove that pesky esophagus of yours"
FlippMatt Sausage
Man this guy really is hitting all the villain notes.
The helmet also makes it easier to gas his guests to death.
gellaho
Could you even imagine
Gentleman Brendan
God, I love how they just dreamed of bigger and therefore more powerful computers. EVERY TIME
Even Asimov.
FlippMatt Sausage
"It does it with LASERS!, can you imagine?!"
Gentleman Brendan
More processors means MORE BRAINS
chloe voted for judy f hops
It's OVER SEVEN THOUSAND?!?!?!
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Holy shit, 7000 words a minute!
gellaho
THE PICTURE OF EFFICIENCY
gellaho
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
That is such a moderately fast printer.
FlippMatt Sausage
Casually downloads PDF of this book in less than a second
Gentleman Brendan
punch-card computing fffffuuck yesssss BOLESLAW INCOMING
FancyShark
GIVE US MORAN
Gentleman Brendan
LET MORAN PITCH, YOU COWARDS
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
I mean that's like, 30 sheets of A4! Youd have to be a small-to-medium business to afford that in 2002!
FlippMatt Sausage
The Adventures of DOCTOR PARADISE and REX MORAN would be a fucking awesome comic book.
FancyShark
Wait, if the computer feeds off information, what happens when it learns of the world outside itself?
gellaho
Matt will put none of his own effort to running the baseball team
gellaho
His only solution is crazy stat professor
Just sitting at home for two weeks, doing nothing
chloe voted for judy f hops
This computer is just going to prove what we already know: they never should've taken steroids out of baseball
FancyShark
Real Genius did this better
FlippMatt Sausage
Yeah he's doing Sabermetrics. He's got this baseball shit solved.
Gentleman Brendan
A man who put out his own eyes to focus on pure thought is freely giving weeks of his time to help a nouveau riche millionaire please a dead asshole billionaire.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
BRAILLE sabermetrics! FINGER those stats!
FlippMatt Sausage
When you put it that way it sounds insane.
gellaho
Your only thirty dude
FancyShark
Matt, in his hubris, taunts the Knowledge Crash of 2003
chloe voted for judy f hops
"So now I think about baseball and FUCK LIKE NO TOMORROW"
FlippMatt Sausage
"THEY CALLED ME MAD, DOCTOR PARADISE, WHEN I BLINDED MYSELF TO OPEN THE DOORS OF PERCEPTION!"
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
You mean "...and DON'T fuck like tomorrow!"
FancyShark
"WHO IS MAD NOW? WHO, I ASK Y-"
"Sir, he left"
Gentleman Brendan
The Tesla of statistics.
FlippMatt Sausage
"I KNEW HE LEFT! WITH MY AMAZING CRIME SONAR!"
chloe voted for judy f hops
Shit I keep forgetting he has a garage of hotties and yet is still a voluntary celibate dork
gellaho
Seems legit
FancyShark
If you're blind, who cares how hot someone is?
FlippMatt Sausage
"I'm not blind at all! Its like I could have skipped removing my eyes!"
gellaho
The toilet chair wants to know
FancyShark
Yes I know blind people are pervs too
Gentleman Brendan
The irony is this book coincides with the first volley in the war on education.
chloe voted for judy f hops
This guy needs to remember the guy he's going to has such an aversion to balls he doesn't use ANY that he was born with, so probably not a good sports authority
FlippMatt Sausage
Also this is almost the exact plot of Major League.
Gentleman Brendan
No Child Left Behind and vouchers are going to make MLB pitcher a more viable career path
gellaho
, maaaaaaaaaaaan
This is the moment when Matt basically gives up everything to a supervillian
FlippMatt Sausage
I'm waiting for this book to predict A League of Their Own tho.
Matt just screaming at a woman "THERES NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!"
Gentleman Brendan
Norbert Steinbrenner
chloe voted for judy f hops
HOLY SHIT DID HE ACTUALLY CALLED HIM AUTISTIC
FancyShark
"Too autistic" to understand something only an autistic person would have the patience to lay out in this much detail
gellaho
Golly gee, sounds like a plan to me
FlippMatt Sausage
Shit maybe he should be Doctor Hate Crime.
Doctor Ableist Speech.
chloe voted for judy f hops
DOCTOR ABLISM HERE
I BECAME BLIND TO USE SLURS YOU NEVER EVEN HEARD
IM IN TOUCH WITH THE LAYLINES OF HATRED LIKE UOUD NEVER KNOW
FancyShark
DOCTOR SHORT BU-
no, nevermind
Gentleman Brendan
Getting called autistic by the guy so fiercely into the spectrum he blinded and castrated himself to exclude anything that wasn't statistics.
gellaho
"Why not just use Manhattan Stadium? I own it"
FlippMatt Sausage
Getting his Andrew Ryan speech in.
"IS A MAN NOT ENTITLED TO THE SWEAT OF HIS MATH, DOCTOR PARADISE?!"
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Imagine the guy who poked his eyes out insulting your neurotypicality.
Gentleman Brendan
Is a man not entitled to the 7000 words per minute of his printout?
chloe voted for judy f hops
A MAN CHOOSES. AN AUTIST OBEYS.
FlippMatt Sausage
"I mean I dont sweat anymore, I replaced my sweat glands with freon rods."
Gentleman Brendan
God, I hate Ayn Rand.
gellaho
Eh, whatever, I don't care
FlippMatt Sausage
Hating Ayn Rand is how you can tell you are still a good person.
Rachel, Tops for 🤌
yeah but I hate her too so it's not determinative
FancyShark
I only appreciate Ayn Rand for inadvertently influencing the creation of Bioshock. And these jokes
gellaho
If you're wondering, yes the text of the notebook is printed in here
FancyShark
This is how mob stories start
FlippMatt Sausage
If it was so boring that the character cant read it, WHY ARE YOU MAKING US!?
Fuck you, Author.
FancyShark
"Reader, it's so boring. Here, look."
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
Borodini 101
FlippMatt Sausage
You asshole, you hate baseball and just want us to suffer!
gellaho
Skipped!
FancyShark
The final paragraph said "Not to be taken internally"
FlippMatt Sausage
"Norbert.........you beautiful madman."
chloe voted for judy f hops
"A totally normal brain just like everyone else's made this outline"
gellaho
THE MANAGER IS BUT A PAWN IN MY GAME
Gentleman Brendan
Written there, in distilled genius, was a single word: "Practice."
How do you even get to Fallout Stadium?
gellaho
MY GAME OF BASEBALL. IGNORE MY MIXED METAPHOR
Gentleman Brendan
PRACTICE
chloe voted for judy f hops
"I shall watch money ball starring Bradtholemew Pitt until I perfectly understand how the Red Sox lost and be better than them"
Gentleman Brendan
This book is two Acts I and no Act Play Ball
FancyShark
So when Robert was asking that guy to clarify rules of baseball, how much of this do you think came from that conversation?
And how much was stuff his LARP group said was stupid?
gellaho
I'm sure that something that uses punchcards can analyze video, sure
chloe voted for judy f hops
What is video if not a punchcard with really tiny holes
FlippMatt Sausage
You throw the punchcards really fast and they make a flip book.
gellaho
He also ignored most of that consultation
FancyShark
Transcripts of baseball games. Because when robots start killing us, they need some justification
gellaho
"I'll just get rid of these pesky rules I don't like" - Robert Browne
FlippMatt Sausage
Oh and he calls these machines his children, if youre keeping track of villainous red flags.
FancyShark
And what was the dedication of the book, one more time?
chloe voted for judy f hops
Now THIS I can get behind
Bring back steroids
gellaho
The uniform rule is important. They will actually wear this
FlippMatt Sausage
God yes give us a Mutant League
gellaho
The uniforms with the vision-obscuring hats
FancyShark
If this become Mutant League, it will all be worth it
chloe voted for judy f hops
LET THEM USE SWORDS
gellaho
Because why would you need to see anything except straight in front of you
chloe voted for judy f hops
REMOVE ALL BASEBALLS USE ONLY KUNAI
FlippMatt Sausage
They do a great job keeping the fallout off the players tho.
Gentleman Brendan
Those games need to come back
public jakesy no. 1
Ah yes the Sport Theory of the Horse
chloe voted for judy f hops
Alright time to leave the world of fake baseball and go watch real baseball with real blind eunuchs controlling the game
gellaho
SCIENCE
Gentleman Brendan
Okay, book: time to choose. Is baseball dying or has it replaced commerce as the premise of civilized society?
So they're just cheating?
public jakesy no. 1
Now that's what I call America's Futuretime
Gentleman Brendan
Blind Man Manages Baseball Team Via Supercomputer is the holographic headline of the future!
Holy mackerel, this book is bonkers.
gellaho
Seems like the shittiness of this team was overstated
FancyShark
Take care, @chloe voted for judy f hops !
public jakesy no. 1
Lol love that the Evil Empire still exists
Gentleman Brendan
We will miss your A+ punchlines, @chloe voted for judy f hops
FancyShark
Chloe won this read, hands down
public jakesy no. 1
public jakesy no. 1
Every time they mention the Yankmees this is what I want you to imagine
gellaho
Just get rid of that pesky rule
Gentleman Brendan
So...wait what's the math, are there like 18 teams now?
FlippMatt Sausage
The author didnt even know the rules, I doubt he's thought of that many team names.
gellaho
Sure seems like something you could do with $5,000,000
FancyShark
All I know is New York City is New York City
FlippMatt Sausage
Also if the Yankees arent cyborg gorillas then fuck this book.
gellaho
It's not like you have to pay players or anything
public jakesy no. 1
Wait wait wai
Manhattan Stadium
FancyShark
In Chicago
public jakesy no. 1
Are you shitting me
gellaho
Interesting choice of words
public jakesy no. 1
You can't have the Yankees without Yankee Stadium
FancyShark
Also, it's under Chicago and Lake Michigan
gellaho
Apparently the White Sox decided to name their stadium that
FlippMatt Sausage
Yeah its not like a baseball player in 1980 could expect to make 23 million dollars over 10 years or anything.
public jakesy no. 1
Hahaha oh god
Gentleman Brendan
I live a long mile from Yankee Stadium, and I am telling you that I would be fine with it without the Yankees.
FancyShark
hahahaha, every step of this plan is utterly sinister
gellaho
Then this team took it over, but this team has nothing to do with the Cubs or White Sox
Gentleman Brendan
Meanwhile the White Sands White Sox are just running on a field made of glass.
FlippMatt Sausage
The dead billionaire probably had some kind of plan to nuke civilization to dust and mold mankinds future with Chicago baseball fans as the New Men.
gellaho
Now begins the "fuck with Matt" portion of the book
Gentleman Brendan
JFC are we still setting up the actual story?
FlippMatt Sausage
Of course! How else would you believe in something this fantastic without 200 pages of exposition.
gellaho
It was weird because he wasn't wearing pants
gellaho
We haven't even assembled the team yet!
FancyShark
gellaho, how far are we in this book?
Gentleman Brendan
This is the She-Hulk of sci-fi baseball dystopias.
FlippMatt Sausage
Time for my Blades in the Dark game, gonna go take this goblin energy over there, later yall. Let me know if they get a Pedro Cerrano on the team.
Gentleman Brendan
They're dropping like fly balls here
FlippMatt Sausage
It's been fun!
Gentleman Brendan
All the best players gone!
FancyShark
Have fun, @FlippMatt Sausage ! We'll miss you!
Gentleman Brendan
All that's left is me, Matthew Paradise, in the guise of Brendan McGinley.
And I've never pitched a joke before.
LyraV
I'm back from errands and I'm ready for more future baseball
FancyShark
Fuck off, Matt. Bring back Brendan. He's cool
public jakesy no. 1
Somehow Albert Pujols is still playing in this universe, I just know it
Gentleman Brendan
How dare you talk like that to a burn victim
gellaho
MATT IS NO MORE
Gentleman Brendan
I lost these nads for SCIENCE
gellaho
77 pages in
LyraV
It's time to get the band back together for the first time.
FancyShark
oh fuck yes, this is going to be a two-parter and I'm all for it
public jakesy no. 1
Bill Pimple is crucial to this teams success
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Aww yeah, next it's time to find Murph and the Magictones.
Then, to get gear from Ray Charles. He'll throw in the black players for free.
gellaho
THE MASTER CYLINDER
FancyShark
Then to the restaurant to get Mr. Fabulous
gellaho
THE GAME AND FRENCH FRIES
LyraV
And he's all out of French Fries
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Then it's just Matt "Guitar" Murphy and "Blue" Lou Marini from the chicken joint.
gellaho
And what a game it is
FancyShark
He's in the hospital because he's homeless. Yeah, sure, I'll join you in Fantasy Land, Robert
So nice to see autism treated with respect
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Frend fried potaters, mm hmm.
gellaho
The beautiful game
FancyShark
They better hurry up before Wapner is on
gellaho
What fun
FancyShark
"I'm assembling a baseball team. First up, Renfield"
LyraV
This seems quite elaborate, nice of them to set this up for this random dude.
gellaho
This is going to be Matt's basic emotion from now on
FancyShark
I can't even joke about this. The special ed kids in high school included a guy that wouldn't shut up about ketchup if he got going
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Oh shit, there's gonna be a Renfield film with Nicholas Hoult starring, and Nic Cage as Dracula!
gellaho
Next!
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
🍟 is a fantastic default emotion
FancyShark
Dennis Valentine better be a hard boiled detective
LyraV
I know what you mean.
gellaho
What
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
Or a vampire accountant
LyraV
Like when you half-ass building in Fallout 4 is what I'm seeing.
FancyShark
Yes, broken rockets. Those things humans encounter all the time
gellaho
I'm a vampire, you see
Gentleman Brendan
William is the real hero here.
FancyShark
Hambone called it
gellaho
HE'S JUST SO BLAND!
Gentleman Brendan
I can honestly see this being a quality '80s comedy with Robin Williams in the Jack Nicholson role.
FancyShark
"Or maybe it was all the dead bodies"
Gentleman Brendan
The whitest man in history does not have an Italian name, sir.
gellaho
My music is for me, maaaaaaaaaaaan
FancyShark
duuuuuude
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Steel-wound nylon? Dude plays a classical acoustic!
FancyShark
Also, playing a drum set in an apartment automatically makes you deserve to be tried at the Hague
gellaho
So, wait, you are forfeiting the Earth then?
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
It's not nysteel but I'll take it
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
How the fuck he gon get tremolo out of a Spanish guitar?
gellaho
NEXT!
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
Grandpas guitar!
gellaho
Subtle
FancyShark
Norris is the muscle
HAHAHAHA
Gentleman Brendan
Valentine is built like an engine, but also remarkably unremarkable.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
It's like saying "he really cranked the gain on his Steinway".
FancyShark
No, seriously, Robert. Great joke. What's the hospital's actual name?
Gentleman Brendan
How dare Jackson Memorial do that!!
gellaho
My adhesive strips are blushing
FancyShark
"No, I'm sorry. Women don't exist in baseball of the future. Goodbye."
gellaho
Norris with the rubber face
gellaho
The distant future of 2002
LyraV
He asked her to sit down at the nearest desk so he could gauge if she found him interesting.
FancyShark
Two years after THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND!
"Generating warmth" means he peed his pants
gellaho
✅ Redhead
FancyShark
You can finally relax, Brendan
Redhead quota met
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
Lips moistened incoming?
LyraV
I was seriously going to make bet there would be no redheads this week.
gellaho
"Why are my pants so tight"
FancyShark
Wow, Robert. You insatiable romantic
Gentleman Brendan
These books all know.
gellaho
There's some Steele
gellaho
LyraV
He needs to read Billy Karate.
FancyShark
He could only find solace in standing at the university graveyard, staring at children
wait
gellaho
Meanwhile: trains exist
FancyShark
Fuck yeah. NOW we're getting some Chicago!
Gentleman Brendan
Of course in your primitive era, men were still capable of emotional expression.
LyraV
The railroad station is a railroad station.
gellaho
Metaphors are hard
FancyShark
lol
I think I'd rather be buried under rubble than try to sit through a priest's standup routine
Very few have comedy chops
gellaho
Maybe this was a bad idea? Nah
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
"But he could not cry, because the auburn-haired woman had made all the water go into his balls as pee."
LyraV
His toes encased in sweat and also socks.
FancyShark
Propel with noticeable lack of agility is a sick burn
gellaho
This is the kind of grit that you want from a pitcher
FancyShark
"Don't worry. To strengthen my arm, I've been masturbating since sunrise"
"As I'm sure you've all noticed"
gellaho
I hope you were a small child at the time
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
...was it a condition that he also tell them their exact season strategy?
gellaho
I also find that hard to believe
Gentleman Brendan
This tears it: baseball is apparently a form of government in this social fabric.
FancyShark
But remember that no one cares about baseball unless they do
gellaho
"Yeah, we're firing all those people. Anyway"
Gentleman Brendan
what the
gellaho
"This seems like an unnecessary amount of work"
Gentleman Brendan
it's not an element of surprise in november, Norbert.
LyraV
To fool all those baseball spies sent in by their enemies?
Gentleman Brendan
I have known sports journalists and I assure you most of this job is just calling up the office and reporting their official statements.
This is some kind of baseball military coup
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
After he already revealed how much exactly he'll be pitching?
FancyShark
This seems like the kind of procedure you'd use to get a diplomat through a warzone
gellaho
EVERYTHING MUST BE SECRET AND WEIRD
FancyShark
"You will each sit at a separate table in the Hawthorne Shopping Mall in Vernon Hills. Wait for the signal, then order a chicken quesadilla with NO MUSTARD. I repeat, NO MUSTARD"
gellaho
There are like a billion baseball games a year, I guarantee you will be going to more places
LyraV
All of our playing dates? Are you sure baseball daddy?
gellaho
WHEN WILL THE VEHICLE BE OPERATIONAL
FancyShark
"If we hit a cow, one hundred and forty-nine miles per hour"
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Okay, honestly, the most incredible thing so far is that anyone thinks you can take thirty cars to 150 mph on Amtrak rails in 2002.
gellaho
The world renowned undergrad stat professor
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Across the entire east and midwest.
FancyShark
You can, actually!
Just, y'know, for only a couple minutes before the next stop
gellaho
Listen, it's a private train which means it's magic
FancyShark
All trains are magic
Gentleman Brendan
What exactly are they concealing?
FancyShark
I assume there are baseball assassins
Gentleman Brendan
Amtrak can't even get 150mph on Amtrak.
FancyShark
Look, the blurb I read and didn't fact check said they can reach 150mph and I believed it
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Yeah their website says 150, max.
FancyShark
It probably is like how cars have speedometers that go up to 180mph. No one gets there, but it allegedly says it's possible
Gentleman Brendan
Cars are legally prohibited from reaching 196 because that's when you start to time travel in your time travel
Back to the Furious 3: Tokyo 1943 Drift
gellaho
Well, that boring paragraph was the end of Chapter 5. Good a place as any to stop. Coming up next week: practice!
Coming up next week: Practice!
FancyShark
Sounds good!
Thank you, @gellaho !
This was way crazier than expected
LyraV
This was not what I expected but also supremely awesome!
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
Amazing book cage! Glad I could make it!
FancyShark
Phenomenal riffing, everybody! Chloe still wins
gellaho
If you were wondering, they don't actually get to baseball games until page 149 of this 212 page book
FancyShark
We're glad you could make it too!
gellaho
'Til Next Time
Gentleman Brendan
Good lord, what a ride and also non-ride.
gellaho
Just think: he's taking a dump right now
LyraV
That's phenomenal.
Gentleman Brendan
The shittiest book ever written still took an intense effort to make.
Which is why it's important to ask, who is the audience?
FancyShark
Kids whose dads are trying to bond with them when one loves sci-fi and the other loves baseball?
Gentleman Brendan
They're just gonna be one of them bored half the time then switch.
there's not even any sci-fi in this sci-fi.
gellaho
Just think about all the baseball articles and strategy documents I skipped
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt
Yeah but maybe they'll talk about fries more
Gentleman Brendan
"You will proceed to the bank at 2 p.m.," said Norbert. You will give the teller a note reading "I have a bomb--"
"But why--" began Matthew.
"Good lord, you popinjay, I haven't time to explain my intellect!" cried Norbert, who dug his own eyes out with a spoon.
Fries and baseball, that William kid knows how to have a good time.
gellaho
Spoiler alert: yes
What's weird is that I didn't skip any of the recruiting
FancyShark
I want to see Matt go through all this and become jaded and washed up, then go coach a little league team
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
Thanks everyone!
gellaho
He only recruited three people
FancyShark
And subject them to training that he thinks is normal and is just utterly psychotic
Gentleman Brendan
Matt has no wants, goals, fears, motivations, or obstacles that I can figure except to make enough money to buy fancy dinner for a redhead with nipples that ring God's doorbell.
He is merely the automaton for this mad coot.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist
My god what a phrase.
Gentleman Brendan
And just think, you get the prremium stuff for free. Thank @gellaho for that.
gellaho
His motivation seems to be a childhood pitching dream. Which is weird for a guy who never went to a major baseball game until one year prior
FancyShark
So many people dream about throwing stuff, but Matt's going to DO it