THE NEW AToms' BOMBSHELL Robert Browne

Madder than the Mets... Dippier than the Dodgers... And more exasperating than the Cubs or the White Sox-The new AToms had nowhere to go but up!

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gellaho: The Book Cage - Episode 71: THE NEW AToms' BOMBSHELL; Baseball is here again, and this time we are travelling to the far off year of 2002. How did baseball look 20 years ago? In 1980, it seemed ridiculous that the Chicago Cubs would not have won a World Series. Hilariously, it wouldn't happen in real life until 2016. Nevertheless, in this reality, all Chicago baseball coalesced into one team with a very stupid name, and very full of losers. This stories is told very strangely, with a protagonist who never knows what's going on, and who has to keep his identity secret for...reasons. Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we read a baseball book written by a man who had to ask an umpire what the rules to baseball are.
gellaho
gellaho: It's a weird Willy Wonka meets baseball...thing
FlippMatt Sausage: should be awesome because I also do not know what the rules of baseball are.
gellaho: Neither does Robert Browne. He also doesn't understand the world at large based on some of the nonsense in there; Neither did the cover artist, who completely missed that second base is right behind the pitcher
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Wait if there's one team, who do they play?
gellaho: Should say all baseball in Chicago
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Oh okay.
gellaho: Just checked, that's also wrong. I guess the two Chicago teams folded, and then two other teams combined and moved to Chicago; More complicated than it needs to be, which is a good indicator of this book's whole deal
FlippMatt Sausage: "Oh God! Mr. President! There's a dire situation in Chicago! They are RUNNING OUT OF BASEBALL!"; In this dystopian future the President of Mexamericanada and the Lunar Republics is also the President of Baseball.
FancyShark: "General, prep Air Force One. You're going to take me out to the ballgame."
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: So now that's stuck in my head.
public jakesy no. 1: Unfortunately that umpire he asked was Angel Hernandez; Can't wait to yell Moneyball quotes into the void on Friday
gellaho: Coming up at the start of the next hour, the first pitch will be thrown in the windy city. Right now, let's here it for the starting lineup of your Chicago AToms!
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Lead batter? Is that a thing?
FancyShark: So wacky!
gellaho: It's the first batter. The lead-off hitter; This book was manufactured weird, it has layers like sedentary rock
FancyShark: , maaaaaaan
gellaho: Crazy ... but baseball!
FancyShark: I think I need to sit down after hearing THAT premise!
FancyShark: Who's ready for baseball?
gellaho
FlippMatt Sausage: Futurepast baseball!
FancyShark: He forgot the "I'm Sorry"
island fox Djonin: Besböl
Dolphin cop Thrillho: In Spanish it's beisbol
FancyShark: To this ball of bases, we salute you
FlippMatt Sausage: YOu know who liked baseball? CASTRO!
island fox Djonin: Haha really? That's rad
gellaho: That's what you want from your baseball writer, a lack of familiarity
island fox Djonin: ベースボール
FancyShark: Certain rules like "runs" and "bat"
FlippMatt Sausage: "Basubaru"
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: You mean ¡¡¡¡¡beisbOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!
island fox Djonin: Besubōru
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Rude! We don't use that kind of language to describe women or squid anymore!
gellaho: Time to travel all the way forward to 2002
gellaho: We begin our baseball journey in a college cemetery
FlippMatt Sausage: "I AM BESBALLIUS! I COME FROM THE FIFTH DIMENSION, A DIMENSION OF PURE SPORT! BRING ME YOUR FEEBLE BASEBALL CHAMPIONS SO THAT I MAY CRUSH THEM!"
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Mummy bandages and space helmets, huh. Futuristic.
Gentleman Brendan: hahaha they called this Vector Analysis
FlippMatt Sausage: "Free burial" is not the benefit the chairman thinks it is.
FancyShark: Man, imaging being buried at work. That's only a step or two above getting mulched
Rat Soup Eating GDC: If the cemetery is university owned isn't it part of the campus?
Gentleman Brendan: You ever feel just consuming this much culture you could go back to the 1970s and take over all of entertainment?
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: It is in this economy.
Gentleman Brendan: A STRONG START.
gellaho: Let me tell you, this goes on for a while, and does not matter
Gentleman Brendan: My campus had a jesuit graveyard; they had to replace all the tombstones in the future year of 2002 because my drunk shithead classmates kept knocking them over.
FancyShark: Not enough books start with a graveyard and a grassy knoll
LyraV: Fuck yeah, that sounds dope, the graveyard not the destruction
gellaho: This is a book about baseball
Gentleman Brendan: So few knolls are ungrassy these days.
FlippMatt Sausage: Sweaty graveyard! It really brings in the kids.
island fox Djonin: Baseball, more like Spaceball
FlippMatt Sausage: "Your credits wont transfer but we have a sweaty graveyard."
Gentleman Brendan: Dying untenured at 49 without ever experiencing the joys of Atomic Baseball: what a tragic loser.
LyraV: I genuinely enjoy graveyards, they're quiet and I'm reformed goth.
Gentleman Brendan: I like graveyards because they're rare green space in this city and everybody cool is buried there.
gellaho: The nostalgia of college graveyard baseball
FlippMatt Sausage: "Cynicism? AT MY PRIVATE UNIVERSITY? POPPYCOCK AND BALDERDASH!"
LyraV: Get out of my sunfield you rapscallions!
FlippMatt Sausage: The fuck is Work Up?
FancyShark: It's that fun new 2002 game
Rat Soup Eating GDC: He needs to sun himself like a lizard, I guess.
FlippMatt Sausage: Are these kids the Bad News Bears of Work Up?
gellaho: The funny thing is that the was written in 1980
FlippMatt Sausage: Are we or are we not getting a Great Hambino appearance?
LyraV: It's played on a Rhombus so you know it's good.
gellaho: Interrupted by BEEF
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: "A critical voice? In academia?" Spits out his Pim's cup
FlippMatt Sausage: Matt sounds like a wuss, being talked to is like getting punched?
LyraV: If someone hits you like a punch in the lower back, avoid them.
FancyShark: This graveyard is lively
Rat Soup Eating GDC: Conan got the jump on Matt there
Gentleman Brendan: Sliding to your death on a tombstone is...not irony, but like it feels irony has moved on from there.
gellaho: BEEF insults nerdy professor
FlippMatt Sausage: "YOU LOOK LIKE A FLABBY BITCH, BROTHER! HULKSTER GONNA BANG YOUR WIFE!
FancyShark: Church league softball. Because what better way to make your child spend the afternoon doing something they don't want to do than to combine two things that already bore them
gellaho: Knocked him right into desecration
FlippMatt Sausage: Because I've decided 2002 Hulk Hogan is in this scene.
FancyShark: Meanwhile, there's a family that's certain the Arby's bag they have on the mantle is their grandmother's ashes
LyraV: I'm seeing the Dean from China, IL
Gentleman Brendan: I'm so confused. The owner of the AToms is hanging out in a baseball cemetery on a campus?
FlippMatt Sausage: "DAMN RIGHT I OWN THE ATOMS BROTHER! NOW GRAB A STICK AND STEP INTO THE SQUARED.......DIAMOND........RHOMBUS. WHATEVER!"
gellaho: Nobody cares about her, she didn't have tenure; The thriving newspapers of the future
FlippMatt Sausage: And then there was the time he choked out the dude from Law and Order.
FancyShark: THE Chicago News?; My god, this author knows their shit
gellaho: Visiting some grave. Don't worry about whose
Rat Soup Eating GDC: Lots of slow news days in the chicago of future past
FancyShark: Matt Paradise is definitely a professor and not a softcore porn character
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Oh man, I've bought so many papers for the sports columnists rehashing the same debate over and over.
FancyShark: "The actual Senators, not a team"
gellaho: Fuck those kids and their tuition, baseball!
LyraV: I've got CANDY
FlippMatt Sausage: "Ah what the hell, I have tenure."
Gentleman Brendan: The hero resists the call of beef
FlippMatt Sausage: OH GOD MATT IS BESBALLIUS!
gellaho: Then: steroids saved the day!
FancyShark: Nothing good starts with "it'll just take a few hours"
FlippMatt Sausage: He goes back in time after attaining the Heroes Apotheosis!
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Except maybe building a deck.
gellaho: The dying sport of baseball
FancyShark: And that gimmick? Running Man
FlippMatt Sausage: "BASEBALL NEEDS A GIMMICK BROTHER! LIKE STORYLINES AND HEEL TURNS!"
LyraV: Shrinking people down and putting them inside the baseballs!
FlippMatt Sausage: "A MOTHERFUCKER WITH A BIG SNAKE!"
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Sports gimmicks, always the right answer. That's why bikini football is such a big league.
gellaho: Remember: Manhattan Stadium is in Chicago. It'll come up
FancyShark: This gimmick better involve Dom Deluise in a sidecar
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: I mean, the Jazz play in Utah.
Gentleman Brendan: At least they got the asshole owners part right.
FancyShark: Some things are timeless
Gentleman Brendan: The LFL is WAY better football than the NFL. I will die on this hill.; Like I wish they had regular uniforms so I didn't have to qualify why I love the LFL.
gellaho: Established by the merger of two teams, but not the Chicago Cubs and White Sox
gellaho: That would make too much sense
Gentleman Brendan: I have interviewed SO MANY LFL players and they all fucking rock.; They make no money, they're just in it for the bloodlust.
gellaho: Also: naming team after yourself
FlippMatt Sausage: "IF THERES ONE THING THE HULKSTER LOVES, ITS NUCLEAR BOMBS BROTHER!"
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: I mean, are you ashamed of saying "and sure, I also like titties"?
Gentleman Brendan: That's a crap name, Tom. You could have called them the A-Tom Bombs.
FancyShark: Because if Chicago wants to be remembered for one thing, it's multiple instances of people dying in flames
gellaho: Presenting: metaphors
Gentleman Brendan: I ran Man Cave Daily for four years. I have zero to prove on my tittability
FlippMatt Sausage: "It was almost like nobody gave a shit about baseball anymore."
gellaho: Atom bumbs and orgasmic splendor
FancyShark: "No one cared about baseball" insinuates the author who had to get help to learn how baseball works
FlippMatt Sausage: Ew please dont call it an orgasm.; Mr. Author.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Horniness levels rising steadily.
gellaho: But again, not affiliated with the White Sox
FancyShark: If someone has an orgasm at a baseball game, it's 100% because of something that will later be explained to a judge
FlippMatt Sausage: WHITE WITH CUM! From the orgasm.
gellaho: But a baseball argument sold newspapers; So who knows; This fact is going to make the events of this book make no sense
FancyShark: Manhattan Stadium: Just Drenched in the Orgasms of Baseball
FlippMatt Sausage: This isnt a very realistic representation of Chicago because nobody has mentioned Chicago style pizza yet.
FancyShark: Or hot dogs
FlippMatt Sausage: Or crime.; Those are how you identify a Chicago native.
gellaho: I mean, football literally moves horizontally but whatever
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Or how it's superior to NY pizza.
FancyShark: oh god, he's going to explain baseball
Gentleman Brendan: It was always right there in the name. We just didn't know how stiff those socks were.
LyraV: Tennis is like a vinegar baking soda volcano.
FlippMatt Sausage: The Red Sox have a serious health condition but nobody cares about them.
Gentleman Brendan: I thought crime was how everyone outside chicago who watched too much fox identified it.
FancyShark: That too; It's very versatile!
Gentleman Brendan: This is patently wrong.; Not you, him.
FlippMatt Sausage: If its got a braggy tone, its a native, if its horrified and a little racist, that's Fox News.
gellaho: The flowery metaphor really adds to the next sentence
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Basketball proceeds in an exothermic spontaneous reaction with a catalytic converter.
Gentleman Brendan: Turn-based sports are the least gripping sports.
FancyShark: Also if it's sort of apologetic, resigned, and/or specifies the areas that are safe without getting racist, it's a native
Gentleman Brendan: Football's over there not even speaking baseball's name.
gellaho: Come, see the unstable owner
Gentleman Brendan: Hockey proceeds in a cold fusion; This is like the Ayn Rand of sci-fi baseball.
FancyShark: And bowling's just happy to be there
Gentleman Brendan: Actually in 2002 all bowling became self-hypnosis based.
FlippMatt Sausage: So far this author is waxing very poetic about a sport they arent familiar with.
FancyShark: hahaha, how quickly I forget
gellaho: Spiritualist
FancyShark: He's trying to impress a sporty girl
FlippMatt Sausage: He's getting that old time religion, by which i mean he's shrieking death threats and looking for something to throw.
FancyShark: Weaving and bobbing seem more like boxing maneuvers, but who am I to judge?
LyraV: Crooning is something you often hear in baseball.
FlippMatt Sausage: A real baseball fan would know that a real baseball fan has a sack of D cell batteries to throw as a means of expressing displeasure.
gellaho: Love to see a "two" typo. And our main character whining
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Somebody more qualified than this dingus.
Gentleman Brendan: Tom is the Vince McMahon of atomic baseball
gellaho: Get excited about the project
FlippMatt Sausage: Matt is such a nerd he eats antacids for no reason.
FancyShark: Sam is either insane or turning into a werewolf
FlippMatt Sausage: Also: THE PROJECT!
gellaho: What baseball crimes had Tom committed?
FancyShark: This is a Batman villain speech
FlippMatt Sausage: Um.........gift of life? My guy, Chicago probably can live without a baseball team.
gellaho: Time to dump a body in Lake Michigan
Gentleman Brendan: Tom is definitely a billionaire.
FancyShark: Chicago has vestigial sports teams, dude. It's not a place to make a name for yourself
FlippMatt Sausage: Their unique approach to soup based pizza alone can keep a megalopolis on the map.
FancyShark: Lasagna with Pie Crust is delicious and I will not hear slander against it
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: No alternative? Just... Go in the opposite direction.
gellaho: TIME FOR TUBES
FancyShark: You're going into Lake Michigan? Jesus, you ARE crazy
gellaho: TUBES!
FlippMatt Sausage: This better be Sam asking Matt to join Cobra's baseball team and perfect their sports cyborg.; Also explaining docking clamps like its high tech 2002 tech is very 1980s
FancyShark: I hope this whole thing is setting up a trebuchet pitching machine
gellaho: Tempraglas
gellaho: Not Tempraglass; You put that second s on there, so help me
FlippMatt Sausage: Matt is flabbergasted by aquariums.
FancyShark: "Welcome to the Chocolate Factory"
FlippMatt Sausage: Also its hilarious that he can see anything.
gellaho: Nobody noticed the three mile dome under Lake Michigan
gellaho: This is the first of multiple Wanka-ings
FlippMatt Sausage: "Ive got a goooolden tiiiiicket! (to baseball)"
FancyShark: Veruca Salt The Earth
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Hehe, wankaings. He's a wankaer.
gellaho: WHAT DOES IT DO?
FlippMatt Sausage: Augustus Gloop is a seven foot tall Austrian roid monster and spits tobacco juice all over.
LyraV: The snozberries taste like baseballs.
FlippMatt Sausage: Man you brought this academic you dont know down here to show off your underwater stadium?; Jeff Bezos should take notes.
gellaho: We going to explain what a Progmobile is? No? Alright.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: The view of notjing but brown water beyond the dome must be just beautiful.
FlippMatt Sausage: It runs on the power of prog rock.
FancyShark: A man builds an underwater, atomic powered structure in the heart of a major city, is described as insane, and somehow isn't a Bond villain
FlippMatt Sausage: Currently Sam is singing King Crimson lyrics into the gas tank.
gellaho: THE DRIVE-IN WILL LIVE FOREVER
FancyShark: 75000 vehicle lot? You have to get to a parking garage if you don't get one of the twelve spots near the Rosemont center
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: It takes five minutes until it really gets going, and the minimum trip length is fourteen minutes.
FlippMatt Sausage: And nobody noticed this guy building this shit in the lake.
gellaho: Sounds like an ex-ballplayer to me
FlippMatt Sausage: Or: Matt is terminally checked out.
LyraV: Mound Man is GOD here
FlippMatt Sausage: And everyone else has been talking about it for months.
FancyShark: If it's not da Bears or beer, it's old news already
FlippMatt Sausage: Seen from above the pitchers mound is shaped like a dick to channel ancient symbolic forces.
gellaho: "I will royally fuck up Lake Michigan for baseball"
FlippMatt Sausage: Also a spiral.; Spiral dick.
gellaho: Tom Samuel loses his goddamned mind
FancyShark: Gordon Lightfoot's song about the stadium is going to be EPIC
FlippMatt Sausage: Lake Michigan is already fucked up so this couldnt really hurt.; The great lakes are the kind of bodies of water that occassionally catch fire.
FancyShark: "Those fools at the Baseball Academy laughed at me!"
FlippMatt Sausage: Chicago is basically Ankh-Morpork.
gellaho: FUCK YOU RANDOM STRANGER I SHOWED ALL MY SECRETS
FlippMatt Sausage: This is a good way to get Falcon Punched by a billionaire.
FancyShark: Sam's just one of those guys that yells about chemtrails on streetcorners, but with lots of money
gellaho: ALL PRAISE THE NEW BASEBALL FLESH
FancyShark: "Fear the Old Ballgame"
FlippMatt Sausage: "I'm getting it from YOU Matt. You have perfect baseball genes."
gellaho: Here are some comps
FlippMatt Sausage: "BECAUSE I AM YOUR CLONE BROTHER MATT! YOU AND I ARE JUST INFERIOR COPIES OF THE OLD MAN!"
FancyShark: "hrrrm...the Old Man?"
gellaho: A year later
FancyShark: An entire year with no one noticing a massive drain on the city's power grid whenever Sam uses the microwave
gellaho: And... dead
gellaho
FlippMatt Sausage: Even in fiction the Yankees are better than everyone else.; Thats kind of sad.; Like dare to dream, man.
gellaho: MONTHS LATER: the deadly classrooms of academia
FancyShark: GO SAWKS!
Gentleman Brendan: You get me, Shark. You get me.
FlippMatt Sausage: "The faculty covered up her death by making it look like a suicide."
gellaho: But, why though? Why any of this Robert Browne?
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Has this guy ever been in a lecture hall?
FancyShark: "Pointed fondly" at the spot her head cracked open
Gentleman Brendan: At least he doesn't expect the taxpayers to shell out $1b to pay for it.
FlippMatt Sausage: God this baseball book is as boring as actual baseball.; Shut up and do sports, Matt.; You flabby bitch.
gellaho: Hey, hey, Robert. The fuck though
FlippMatt Sausage: MATT NO!; NO!; NO NO NO!
Gentleman Brendan: He brought him here to understand, and then immediately got mad he couldn't possibly understand.
FancyShark: At least this book isn't making us play the game even though we just want to stay home and maybe call up our friend and go read comics and not get embarrassed in front of dozens of over-competitive parents, MOM
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: ...fuck this horniness.
gellaho: Later: pervy secretary
FlippMatt Sausage: God its good Matt is a nerd and doesnt know how to fuck.
Gentleman Brendan: Tom Samuel is definitely Kaine to Matt's Ben Reilly.
FancyShark: LIIIIIIPS
LyraV: I like adding that he reminded himself she might waste his time, what a hero.
Gentleman Brendan: Kaine confirmed.
FlippMatt Sausage: I appreciate a good Ben Reilly reference.; Also his secretary is kind of mean but Matt seems like he deserves the bullying.
FancyShark: We're going to get into a whole shame fetish from the author, aren't we?
Gentleman Brendan: This is the exact plot of S1M0NE but with baseball instead of beautiful women
gellaho: The lawyers represent a buyer for the AToms, which Matt now owns. For some reason, nobody told him
Gentleman Brendan: Lipstick fingers? Hahaha what did he have to pry it out of her mouth so it didn't tear?
LyraV: Yes lawyers, known for their elaborate gags.
gellaho: Kind of, but in a weird way
Gentleman Brendan: Matt, I'm going to be honest. You can't afford the property taxes on a $7b underwater glass nuclear explosion.
LyraV: I mean Ball Gags, sure but not pranks.
gellaho: Here's the plot, only 28 pages in
FancyShark: Matt Valentine is your everyday tenure professor. Until one day he learns he has to <RECORD SCRATCH> MANAGE A BASEBALL TEAM IN AN UNDERWATER STADIUM CONSTRUCTED BY A MADMAN!
FlippMatt Sausage: The permitting alone...............
Gentleman Brendan: This is an exceptional contextual pun.
FancyShark
gellaho: Who likes legal documents!
Gentleman Brendan: Matt must lose every single penny and have nothing to show for it except a world series...trophy? Belt?
FancyShark: I think they get a pizza party?
Gentleman Brendan: Honestly, I would watch the shit out of this comedy starring Jack Black.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Purse.
gellaho: Airtight huh
FlippMatt Sausage: Did this motherfucker write a rejected script for a sci-fi Major League?!
FancyShark: Alternately, I would watch the shit out of this taught psychological thriller with Nicholas Cage
FlippMatt Sausage: Because this is some Major League shit and if Pedro Cerrano doesnt hit a curve ball then FUCK YOU JOBU!
Gentleman Brendan: Tasked with getting people excited about baseball just after the Yankees lost the 9/11 world series. OOF.
gellaho: Matt is offered $500,000
FancyShark: I'm sorry, did it say what happens if he says no?
gellaho: I will remind you that he had not been to a baseball stadium before a year ago
gellaho: He doesn't get anything
FlippMatt Sausage: And he's going to pitch a full game?
gellaho: A full season
FlippMatt Sausage: Sam called him a flabby bitch last year.; This is going to go awesome.
FancyShark: This author doesn't quite understand stakes
FlippMatt Sausage: Also 500k in 2002 is not going as far as the author thinks.; That wont even pay for one player.
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt: Oh shit we are talking about my job in here?
FlippMatt Sausage: 's shoes.
gellaho: Just take the money, dipshit
FlippMatt Sausage: I mean take the money and run.; You flabby non sports bitch.
FancyShark: Abt natural
Gentleman Brendan: He did eat a hot dog though, and that's 80% of it.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Just pitch like a bitch for a year and then quit.
FlippMatt Sausage: I mean I am also a flabby non sports bitch but for 600 thousand dollars I'd at least try.
Gentleman Brendan: You have nothing to lose, and you just negotiated an extra year's pay.
FancyShark: Taking a piss at the trough urinal while avoiding eye contact with the other people is the other 20%
gellaho: Considering what he gets for playing the entire series and running a baseball team is just $1,000,00, just take the 600k
Gentleman Brendan: I would absolutely go watch a ball game starring a guy as hapless as me. This team can't lose money, only playoffs.
FlippMatt Sausage: Also a million in 2002 money.
gellaho: Spoiler alert, he's going to do something very stupid
FlippMatt Sausage: Futurepast money as well, who even knows what that could be worth?!
gellaho: Great lawyering
FancyShark: Flippant called it. This is sci-fi Major League
FlippMatt Sausage: Oh fuck yeah watching some academic try and haul his semi translucent grublike body around a baseball field while the Steroid Monsters laugh at his ass?; Id watch that.
Gentleman Brendan: No joke in all of F Is for Family resonated with me quite so hard as that mock-Fenway trough gag, and there was an entire season of a kid crying for a girl with my ex's name.
gellaho: This really seems like there is a passion for baseball, Robert. Love the inconsistency
FlippMatt Sausage: The lawyer: "My client was a complete asshole and now he's paying me to fuck with you from beyond the grave."
FancyShark: "Rape of baseball" is pretty strong language to throw around, writer
gellaho: But nobody cares about the game; Clearly
FlippMatt Sausage: "rape of baseball"..............the writer isnt Alejandro Jodorowsky secretly, right?
gellaho: Random quote, what's up
FancyShark: Damn Narration Ghost is back
gellaho: Do nerds dream of legal documents?
FlippMatt Sausage: My guy..........imaginations work fine post 2000.; I am imagining shit right now.; Its rad.
LyraV: Me too!
FancyShark: This all feels like it was meant to be a musical
FlippMatt Sausage: For instance I'm imagining that someone competent wrote a sci-fi sequel to Major League.
gellaho: Seems highly impractical
Gentleman Brendan: The Buckethead of Baseball only works if you're good at it.
FlippMatt Sausage: Leslie Nielson is there.; And pre Murder OJ Simpson.
FancyShark: There's a filing system that can't fail
gellaho: Monocle pop
Gentleman Brendan: Goodbye, Mr. Paradise is the middle-aged woman reinvents herself movie we should have gotten from Casino-era Sharon Stone and you know what? This was too much. Too much extended imagination.
FancyShark
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt: MY ELEGANT BOY
Gentleman Brendan: The death of baseball was the death of our national soul.
Rat Soup Eating GDC: Sorry I can't be around for this one, I have to go sit next to a river and drink some beer.
FlippMatt Sausage: I just started watching that and now I understand the reference!
gellaho: Remember: never been to a baseball stadium
FancyShark: Aw, okay. We'll miss you, @Rat Soup Eating GDC !
Gentleman Brendan: Bye and also smart move.
LyraV: Fuck yeah, that sounds awesome, have fun @Rat Soup Eating GDC
gellaho: Remember: Manhattan Stadium is in Chicago. It's about to get confusing
Gentleman Brendan: You can't be serious about absolutely wrecking this asshole's dream for a million dollars and a free chance to pitch the major leagues.
chloe voted for judy f hops: Well yea it's named Manhattan after the drink, famously loved by every player
LyraV: He has to, his DREAMS told him this was a good idea.
Gentleman Brendan: Like I might pay $1000 to ruin a dead billionaire's dream from beyond the grave.
gellaho: MIND FUCKIN BLOWN
chloe voted for judy f hops: WOAH; HOLD THE FUCK UP
FancyShark: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE
Gentleman Brendan: It's also New York County! And state.
chloe voted for judy f hops: WHEN WAS SOMEONE GONNA TELL ME
FlippMatt Sausage: Hahahahah Futurepast Baseball Elon Musk really miscalculated when he bullied DOCTOR PARADISE! PROFESSOR AND CRIME FIGHTER!
LyraV: 🤣; It's too much man.; His editors only note here was 'It sure is buddy'
gellaho: Remember that Dr Norbert was a college professor teaching undergrad stat
gellaho: It is very important you remember that
FlippMatt Sausage: Author would do great on Where In the World Is Carmen Sandiego.
chloe voted for judy f hops: Bold assumption you have about there being editors
FancyShark: Robert knew that was going to be the line they quoted for his Pulitzer and his Hugo
FlippMatt Sausage: Hehehehe Norbert.
gellaho: BEGIN THE APPLICATION PROCESS
FlippMatt Sausage: Matts gonna use Sabermetrics and Moneyball the shit out of this team.
FancyShark: Or you could see the less good doctor and have to deal with Colin Baker
chloe voted for judy f hops: Lot of paperwork to watch a show about an autistic doctor
gellaho: Nicotine will begin your magical professorial journey
FlippMatt Sausage: Sick, Guide dogs for the sighted!
FancyShark: "I named her after the thing that killed my wife"
FlippMatt Sausage: I approve.; Dr. Norbert is a good host.
chloe voted for judy f hops: Everyone should name their dog after their addiction; "CMERE SPEED!" "HEROIN, GET OVER HERE"
gellaho: Statistics professors live in James Bond villain lairs, right?
FlippMatt Sausage: "This one is Dangerous Ladyboys, and that one is Cheeseburger."
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt: That's why my friend named his dog Genshin: Immortal
FancyShark: My dogs would be named "Comedy", "Video Games" and "That Folder I Don't Show People"
gellaho: Now begins the second Wanka-ing
gellaho
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt: The hamb$ne emoji folder, then?
chloe voted for judy f hops: "Questionable pornography, get your nose away from there"
FancyShark: Nonsense. That one's for everyone
FlippMatt Sausage: "DOCTOR PARADISE!!!! visits his crime fighting compatriot, DOCTOR NORBERT!"
chloe voted for judy f hops: I appreciate that within a page turn this book became absolute gibberish
FancyShark: Dr. Paradise was the less-successful follow-up to Dr. Feelgood
gellaho: All statistics professors have an army of attractive women for their underground lairs
FlippMatt Sausage: Motley Crue should never have given up drugs.; Checking DOCTOR PARADISE!!!!! for ass bombs.
FancyShark: Okay, if this is Major League but sci-fi and every character is a SPECTRE operative, I am going to be angry it sucks
chloe voted for judy f hops: He's working on calculating the statistics of precum getting someone pregnant
FlippMatt Sausage: Little do they know that DOCTOR PARADISE!!!!!! has a false bootheel with a dart gun inside.
gellaho: Aaaaand... Drugged
gellaho
FancyShark: This really is one step away from a Naked Gun or The Tick story
FlippMatt Sausage: MICROVISION! Like television but VERY SMALL!; So small its really a problem!; Still CRT screens tho!
FancyShark: Do the cars work if you don't have mono?; I'll go to hell now
gellaho: Should his voice have changed?
gellaho: And punchcards
FancyShark: Sure. For instance, he could have gone through Future Puberty
FlippMatt Sausage: DOCTOR PARADISE!!!!!! is an accomplished mimic and ventriloquist.
gellaho: But why though
gellaho
chloe voted for judy f hops: Come meet BILLY THE PARADISE PUPPET
gellaho: You're a statistics professor. That's not even real math
FancyShark: "...The amusement park?"
chloe voted for judy f hops: Cmon man you've already been drugged why aren't you drinking more tea
Gentleman Brendan: When does Boleslaw show up to arrest these baseball perverts?; Is Nottingham like famous for its wood?
gellaho: "That doesn't explain anything"
FlippMatt Sausage: "I, DOCTOR NORBERT!!!! was secretly the gentleman thief DOCTOR CRIME!!!!!! THE WHOLE TIME!"; "I STOLE THIS WOOD!"
Gentleman Brendan: I need a Brit. Quick--shark, you're fancy. Is Nottingham wood-famous?
chloe voted for judy f hops: No you're thinking of Knotting-ham
gellaho: I had a psychic vision!
gellaho: Matt's also a psych major
FancyShark: I mean, it's got thieves in the forest. But I'm pretty sure they just have oak
chloe voted for judy f hops: I can't tell if this book wants you to believe the hero is completely stable and everyone else is crazy or if this is a king in yellow situation
gellaho: We all know the tight knit bond between a Psych student and their freshman Intro to Stat professor
FlippMatt Sausage: "DOCTOR PARADISE!!!!!!!!! had a prophetic dream! It led me to your lair DOCTOR CRIME! Now join my baseball team and do math for it!"
Gentleman Brendan: In fair Carcosa, where the mushroom cloud stadium doth unsleep beneath the depths.
gellaho: Statistics,
Gentleman Brendan: Strong argument that Samuel has simply erected a dome over Ry'leh.
FancyShark: @Gentleman Brendan , according to google, Sherwood Forest makes wooden bowls
Gentleman Brendan: NOT TABLES???!?
FlippMatt Sausage: Ry'leh in Lake Michigan.
Gentleman Brendan: this entire outing has been a fiction!
FancyShark: NOT TABLES!
Gentleman Brendan: Wait they really are inventing sabermetrics.
FlippMatt Sausage: Yeah I wasnt kidding about the Moneyball thing.
Gentleman Brendan: Right around the time it actually came forward.
gellaho: Fucking swerving right away from statistics into gobbledygook
chloe voted for judy f hops: THEY LURE YOU IN WITH NEW YORK CITY FACST AND BAMBOOZLE YOU WITH FAKE WOOD
gellaho: Who's ever heard of statistics in baseball?
FancyShark: Like Catan!
gellaho: Could you imagine?
Gentleman Brendan: Seems like this whole society is buzzing about the dead game of baseball.
chloe voted for judy f hops: SON OF A BITCH IVE BEEN GOT AGAIN
FlippMatt Sausage: Academics are fascinated by baseball and this is why nobody else is.
FancyShark: Here, chloe. Soothe your frustrations with painted bowls; https://www.sherwoodforestdesign.com/
Gentleman Brendan: They've got baseball-themed cemeteries, baseball underwater megacities, baseball old men
FlippMatt Sausage: Those are nice bowls.
FancyShark: Baseball: The Thing Everyone's Already Talking About! Tonight at 9. But first, authorities are confounded as to why every animal in Chicago is screaming at the ground
gellaho: So, take this conversation
chloe voted for judy f hops: Hold on lemme put down my rage book where I fill in each page completely with ink when I'm mad
gellaho: Stretch it out to about 100 times; That's what I'm reading right now
FancyShark: You are our hero, gellaho
gellaho: He's going to use computers to predict baseball
FancyShark: So...a baseball video game?
Gentleman Brendan: I don't think they even have computers.
FlippMatt Sausage: Statisticians notoriously dont understand probability, right?
Gentleman Brendan: Aren't real-life coaches doing this now with Madden simulations?
chloe voted for judy f hops: What's ironic about all of this is that I'm reading all of these passages reiterating how boring baseball is and going "yeah! FUCK baseball!" As I'm riding to a twins game
FancyShark: They're very small
FlippMatt Sausage: DOCTOR CRIME!!!!!! is a mentat, he is a living computers.
gellaho: RESTAURANTS ARE ONLY LIMITED BY THEIR FEEBLE IMAGINATIONS
Gentleman Brendan: In Chicago, the Minnesota Twins are called What a Pair of Kangaroos!
FlippMatt Sausage: And they buy all the microtransactions, it sucks.
gellaho: They are going to be breaking many, many rules
Gentleman Brendan: They also call all stadiums Manhattan. It's weird.
chloe voted for judy f hops: BRRRRING ME THE FILLET OF CHILD
FlippMatt Sausage: I yelled something similar about restaurants when I came up with the idea of hotdog sushi.
gellaho: BEHOLD MY TOILET THRONE
FancyShark: I'll take a slice of my grandma's chocolate cake, a wagyu-beef steak with side of creamed spinach, and the number of that air force lady I had a shot with back in college, waiter
FlippMatt Sausage: DOCTOR CRIME!!!!!! IS POOPING AT THIS VERY INSTANT!; HE CANNOT BE STOPPED!
chloe voted for judy f hops: Can I get a picture of my ex stewing on remorse for taking the kids when she left and an xtra large Coke
gellaho: Computers are much easier to use without sight
FancyShark: "...Gary, do we have to narrate EVERYTHING that happens?"
FlippMatt Sausage: "Yes or the radio play wont make sense."
FancyShark: It's so true. I don't even know what your avatars look like; Or what I'm typing
FlippMatt Sausage: "And yes, I know, but radio plays are coming back in 2002! I swear!"
chloe voted for judy f hops: What he won't tell you is he is actually using his heightened senses to smell every penis that enters a mile radius
Gentleman Brendan: "Young man, as an example of my productivity, I am expelling waste even as we speak."
gellaho: Is it though
FancyShark: "I'm hanging up the phone now"
chloe voted for judy f hops: FUCK WHAT A DOPE YLINE BEST LINE IN THE BOOK
Gentleman Brendan: The past's idea of the perfect future was never having to use your feet and ample parking for all 10 billion of us.
gellaho: Hey look, Tracker
chloe voted for judy f hops: Getting "imagination is a higher form of seeing" tattooed over my corneas
FlippMatt Sausage: Man I was kidding about the super villain shit.; But damn.
Gentleman Brendan: So...sonar.
FlippMatt Sausage: DOCTOR CRIME AND HIS AMAZING BRAILLE COMPUTER!
chloe voted for judy f hops: Holy shit what a stupid follow up to the best line
FancyShark: "Pranked by a Bond villain" is such a wasted premise on this writer
chloe voted for judy f hops: He should've just said he smells the shape of his face
gellaho: "I plucked out my own eyes, how are you not getting my deal"
FlippMatt Sausage: More than ONE Bond Villain.
FancyShark: IN THE FUTURRRRE!; One fall out of desper-; Oh, Robert. Someone hurt you
gellaho: I WILL EVENTUALLY REMOVE ALL MY FLESH
chloe voted for judy f hops: Do you not understand that man's meaning on earth is IMPREGNATION, DOCTOR CRIME?!
FlippMatt Sausage: Hey Matt? You were saying shit like this while looking at your students panties so maybe stop judging DOCTOR CRIME!!!!!! maybe?
Gentleman Brendan: This book's idea of a wise man is a guy who can't close his eyes.
FancyShark: Highlander: Staring Contest
gellaho: "FIVE HUNDRED OF YOUR EARTH-YEARS. I mean, years"
FlippMatt Sausage: "YOU'RE A MADMAN DOCTOR CRIME!!!!!, but DOCTOR PARADISE!!!!!! is willing to overlook it if you do math for his basesballed tee-am."
FancyShark: The computer stole the secret of fire from Mrs O'Leary's cow
gellaho: "I wish I could remove that pesky esophagus of yours"
FlippMatt Sausage: Man this guy really is hitting all the villain notes.; The helmet also makes it easier to gas his guests to death.
gellaho: Could you even imagine
Gentleman Brendan: God, I love how they just dreamed of bigger and therefore more powerful computers. EVERY TIME; Even Asimov.
FlippMatt Sausage: "It does it with LASERS!, can you imagine?!"
Gentleman Brendan: More processors means MORE BRAINS
chloe voted for judy f hops: It's OVER SEVEN THOUSAND?!?!?!
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Holy shit, 7000 words a minute!
gellaho: THE PICTURE OF EFFICIENCY
gellaho
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: That is such a moderately fast printer.
FlippMatt Sausage: Casually downloads PDF of this book in less than a second
Gentleman Brendan: punch-card computing fffffuuck yesssss BOLESLAW INCOMING
FancyShark: GIVE US MORAN
Gentleman Brendan: LET MORAN PITCH, YOU COWARDS
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: I mean that's like, 30 sheets of A4! Youd have to be a small-to-medium business to afford that in 2002!
FlippMatt Sausage: The Adventures of DOCTOR PARADISE and REX MORAN would be a fucking awesome comic book.
FancyShark: Wait, if the computer feeds off information, what happens when it learns of the world outside itself?
gellaho: Matt will put none of his own effort to running the baseball team
gellaho: His only solution is crazy stat professor; Just sitting at home for two weeks, doing nothing
chloe voted for judy f hops: This computer is just going to prove what we already know: they never should've taken steroids out of baseball
FancyShark: Real Genius did this better
FlippMatt Sausage: Yeah he's doing Sabermetrics. He's got this baseball shit solved.
Gentleman Brendan: A man who put out his own eyes to focus on pure thought is freely giving weeks of his time to help a nouveau riche millionaire please a dead asshole billionaire.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: BRAILLE sabermetrics! FINGER those stats!
FlippMatt Sausage: When you put it that way it sounds insane.
gellaho: Your only thirty dude
FancyShark: Matt, in his hubris, taunts the Knowledge Crash of 2003
chloe voted for judy f hops: "So now I think about baseball and FUCK LIKE NO TOMORROW"
FlippMatt Sausage: "THEY CALLED ME MAD, DOCTOR PARADISE, WHEN I BLINDED MYSELF TO OPEN THE DOORS OF PERCEPTION!"
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: You mean "...and DON'T fuck like tomorrow!"
FancyShark: "WHO IS MAD NOW? WHO, I ASK Y-"; "Sir, he left"
Gentleman Brendan: The Tesla of statistics.
FlippMatt Sausage: "I KNEW HE LEFT! WITH MY AMAZING CRIME SONAR!"
chloe voted for judy f hops: Shit I keep forgetting he has a garage of hotties and yet is still a voluntary celibate dork
gellaho: Seems legit
FancyShark: If you're blind, who cares how hot someone is?
FlippMatt Sausage: "I'm not blind at all! Its like I could have skipped removing my eyes!"
gellaho: The toilet chair wants to know
FancyShark: Yes I know blind people are pervs too
Gentleman Brendan: The irony is this book coincides with the first volley in the war on education.
chloe voted for judy f hops: This guy needs to remember the guy he's going to has such an aversion to balls he doesn't use ANY that he was born with, so probably not a good sports authority
FlippMatt Sausage: Also this is almost the exact plot of Major League.
Gentleman Brendan: No Child Left Behind and vouchers are going to make MLB pitcher a more viable career path
gellaho: , maaaaaaaaaaaan; This is the moment when Matt basically gives up everything to a supervillian
FlippMatt Sausage: I'm waiting for this book to predict A League of Their Own tho.; Matt just screaming at a woman "THERES NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!"
Gentleman Brendan: Norbert Steinbrenner
chloe voted for judy f hops: HOLY SHIT DID HE ACTUALLY CALLED HIM AUTISTIC
FancyShark: "Too autistic" to understand something only an autistic person would have the patience to lay out in this much detail
gellaho: Golly gee, sounds like a plan to me
FlippMatt Sausage: Shit maybe he should be Doctor Hate Crime.; Doctor Ableist Speech.
chloe voted for judy f hops: DOCTOR ABLISM HERE; I BECAME BLIND TO USE SLURS YOU NEVER EVEN HEARD; IM IN TOUCH WITH THE LAYLINES OF HATRED LIKE UOUD NEVER KNOW
FancyShark: DOCTOR SHORT BU-; no, nevermind
Gentleman Brendan: Getting called autistic by the guy so fiercely into the spectrum he blinded and castrated himself to exclude anything that wasn't statistics.
gellaho: "Why not just use Manhattan Stadium? I own it"
FlippMatt Sausage: Getting his Andrew Ryan speech in.; "IS A MAN NOT ENTITLED TO THE SWEAT OF HIS MATH, DOCTOR PARADISE?!"
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Imagine the guy who poked his eyes out insulting your neurotypicality.
Gentleman Brendan: Is a man not entitled to the 7000 words per minute of his printout?
chloe voted for judy f hops: A MAN CHOOSES. AN AUTIST OBEYS.
FlippMatt Sausage: "I mean I dont sweat anymore, I replaced my sweat glands with freon rods."
Gentleman Brendan: God, I hate Ayn Rand.
gellaho: Eh, whatever, I don't care
FlippMatt Sausage: Hating Ayn Rand is how you can tell you are still a good person.
Rachel, Tops for 🤌: yeah but I hate her too so it's not determinative
FancyShark: I only appreciate Ayn Rand for inadvertently influencing the creation of Bioshock. And these jokes
gellaho: If you're wondering, yes the text of the notebook is printed in here
FancyShark: This is how mob stories start
FlippMatt Sausage: If it was so boring that the character cant read it, WHY ARE YOU MAKING US!?; Fuck you, Author.
FancyShark: "Reader, it's so boring. Here, look."
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt: Borodini 101
FlippMatt Sausage: You asshole, you hate baseball and just want us to suffer!
gellaho: Skipped!
FancyShark: The final paragraph said "Not to be taken internally"
FlippMatt Sausage: "Norbert.........you beautiful madman."
chloe voted for judy f hops: "A totally normal brain just like everyone else's made this outline"
gellaho: THE MANAGER IS BUT A PAWN IN MY GAME
Gentleman Brendan: Written there, in distilled genius, was a single word: "Practice."; How do you even get to Fallout Stadium?
gellaho: MY GAME OF BASEBALL. IGNORE MY MIXED METAPHOR
Gentleman Brendan: PRACTICE
chloe voted for judy f hops: "I shall watch money ball starring Bradtholemew Pitt until I perfectly understand how the Red Sox lost and be better than them"
Gentleman Brendan: This book is two Acts I and no Act Play Ball
FancyShark: So when Robert was asking that guy to clarify rules of baseball, how much of this do you think came from that conversation?; And how much was stuff his LARP group said was stupid?
gellaho: I'm sure that something that uses punchcards can analyze video, sure
chloe voted for judy f hops: What is video if not a punchcard with really tiny holes
FlippMatt Sausage: You throw the punchcards really fast and they make a flip book.
gellaho: He also ignored most of that consultation
FancyShark: Transcripts of baseball games. Because when robots start killing us, they need some justification
gellaho: "I'll just get rid of these pesky rules I don't like" - Robert Browne
FlippMatt Sausage: Oh and he calls these machines his children, if youre keeping track of villainous red flags.
FancyShark: And what was the dedication of the book, one more time?
chloe voted for judy f hops: Now THIS I can get behind; Bring back steroids
gellaho: The uniform rule is important. They will actually wear this
FlippMatt Sausage: God yes give us a Mutant League
gellaho: The uniforms with the vision-obscuring hats
FancyShark: If this become Mutant League, it will all be worth it
chloe voted for judy f hops: LET THEM USE SWORDS
gellaho: Because why would you need to see anything except straight in front of you
chloe voted for judy f hops: REMOVE ALL BASEBALLS USE ONLY KUNAI
FlippMatt Sausage: They do a great job keeping the fallout off the players tho.
Gentleman Brendan: Those games need to come back
public jakesy no. 1: Ah yes the Sport Theory of the Horse
chloe voted for judy f hops: Alright time to leave the world of fake baseball and go watch real baseball with real blind eunuchs controlling the game
gellaho: SCIENCE
Gentleman Brendan: Okay, book: time to choose. Is baseball dying or has it replaced commerce as the premise of civilized society?; So they're just cheating?
public jakesy no. 1: Now that's what I call America's Futuretime
Gentleman Brendan: Blind Man Manages Baseball Team Via Supercomputer is the holographic headline of the future!; Holy mackerel, this book is bonkers.
gellaho: Seems like the shittiness of this team was overstated
FancyShark: Take care, @chloe voted for judy f hops !
public jakesy no. 1: Lol love that the Evil Empire still exists
Gentleman Brendan: We will miss your A+ punchlines, @chloe voted for judy f hops
FancyShark: Chloe won this read, hands down
public jakesy no. 1
public jakesy no. 1: Every time they mention the Yankmees this is what I want you to imagine
gellaho: Just get rid of that pesky rule
Gentleman Brendan: So...wait what's the math, are there like 18 teams now?
FlippMatt Sausage: The author didnt even know the rules, I doubt he's thought of that many team names.
gellaho: Sure seems like something you could do with $5,000,000
FancyShark: All I know is New York City is New York City
FlippMatt Sausage: Also if the Yankees arent cyborg gorillas then fuck this book.
gellaho: It's not like you have to pay players or anything
public jakesy no. 1: Wait wait wai; Manhattan Stadium
FancyShark: In Chicago
public jakesy no. 1: Are you shitting me
gellaho: Interesting choice of words
public jakesy no. 1: You can't have the Yankees without Yankee Stadium
FancyShark: Also, it's under Chicago and Lake Michigan
gellaho: Apparently the White Sox decided to name their stadium that
FlippMatt Sausage: Yeah its not like a baseball player in 1980 could expect to make 23 million dollars over 10 years or anything.
public jakesy no. 1: Hahaha oh god
Gentleman Brendan: I live a long mile from Yankee Stadium, and I am telling you that I would be fine with it without the Yankees.
FancyShark: hahahaha, every step of this plan is utterly sinister
gellaho: Then this team took it over, but this team has nothing to do with the Cubs or White Sox
Gentleman Brendan: Meanwhile the White Sands White Sox are just running on a field made of glass.
FlippMatt Sausage: The dead billionaire probably had some kind of plan to nuke civilization to dust and mold mankinds future with Chicago baseball fans as the New Men.
gellaho: Now begins the "fuck with Matt" portion of the book
Gentleman Brendan: JFC are we still setting up the actual story?
FlippMatt Sausage: Of course! How else would you believe in something this fantastic without 200 pages of exposition.
gellaho: It was weird because he wasn't wearing pants
gellaho: We haven't even assembled the team yet!
FancyShark: gellaho, how far are we in this book?
Gentleman Brendan: This is the She-Hulk of sci-fi baseball dystopias.
FlippMatt Sausage: Time for my Blades in the Dark game, gonna go take this goblin energy over there, later yall. Let me know if they get a Pedro Cerrano on the team.
Gentleman Brendan: They're dropping like fly balls here
FlippMatt Sausage: It's been fun!
Gentleman Brendan: All the best players gone!
FancyShark: Have fun, @FlippMatt Sausage ! We'll miss you!
Gentleman Brendan: All that's left is me, Matthew Paradise, in the guise of Brendan McGinley.; And I've never pitched a joke before.
LyraV: I'm back from errands and I'm ready for more future baseball
FancyShark: Fuck off, Matt. Bring back Brendan. He's cool
public jakesy no. 1: Somehow Albert Pujols is still playing in this universe, I just know it
Gentleman Brendan: How dare you talk like that to a burn victim
gellaho: MATT IS NO MORE
Gentleman Brendan: I lost these nads for SCIENCE
gellaho: 77 pages in
LyraV: It's time to get the band back together for the first time.
FancyShark: oh fuck yes, this is going to be a two-parter and I'm all for it
public jakesy no. 1: Bill Pimple is crucial to this teams success
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Aww yeah, next it's time to find Murph and the Magictones.; Then, to get gear from Ray Charles. He'll throw in the black players for free.
gellaho: THE MASTER CYLINDER
FancyShark: Then to the restaurant to get Mr. Fabulous
gellaho: THE GAME AND FRENCH FRIES
LyraV: And he's all out of French Fries
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Then it's just Matt "Guitar" Murphy and "Blue" Lou Marini from the chicken joint.
gellaho: And what a game it is
FancyShark: He's in the hospital because he's homeless. Yeah, sure, I'll join you in Fantasy Land, Robert; So nice to see autism treated with respect
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Frend fried potaters, mm hmm.
gellaho: The beautiful game
FancyShark: They better hurry up before Wapner is on
gellaho: What fun
FancyShark: "I'm assembling a baseball team. First up, Renfield"
LyraV: This seems quite elaborate, nice of them to set this up for this random dude.
gellaho: This is going to be Matt's basic emotion from now on
FancyShark: I can't even joke about this. The special ed kids in high school included a guy that wouldn't shut up about ketchup if he got going
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Oh shit, there's gonna be a Renfield film with Nicholas Hoult starring, and Nic Cage as Dracula!
gellaho: Next!
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt: 🍟 is a fantastic default emotion
FancyShark: Dennis Valentine better be a hard boiled detective
LyraV: I know what you mean.
gellaho: What
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt: Or a vampire accountant
LyraV: Like when you half-ass building in Fallout 4 is what I'm seeing.
FancyShark: Yes, broken rockets. Those things humans encounter all the time
gellaho: I'm a vampire, you see
Gentleman Brendan: William is the real hero here.
FancyShark: Hambone called it
gellaho: HE'S JUST SO BLAND!
Gentleman Brendan: I can honestly see this being a quality '80s comedy with Robin Williams in the Jack Nicholson role.
FancyShark: "Or maybe it was all the dead bodies"
Gentleman Brendan: The whitest man in history does not have an Italian name, sir.
gellaho: My music is for me, maaaaaaaaaaaan
FancyShark: duuuuuude
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Steel-wound nylon? Dude plays a classical acoustic!
FancyShark: Also, playing a drum set in an apartment automatically makes you deserve to be tried at the Hague
gellaho: So, wait, you are forfeiting the Earth then?
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt: It's not nysteel but I'll take it
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: How the fuck he gon get tremolo out of a Spanish guitar?
gellaho: NEXT!
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt: Grandpas guitar!
gellaho: Subtle
FancyShark: Norris is the muscle; HAHAHAHA
Gentleman Brendan: Valentine is built like an engine, but also remarkably unremarkable.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: It's like saying "he really cranked the gain on his Steinway".
FancyShark: No, seriously, Robert. Great joke. What's the hospital's actual name?
Gentleman Brendan: How dare Jackson Memorial do that!!
gellaho: My adhesive strips are blushing
FancyShark: "No, I'm sorry. Women don't exist in baseball of the future. Goodbye."
gellaho: Norris with the rubber face
gellaho: The distant future of 2002
LyraV: He asked her to sit down at the nearest desk so he could gauge if she found him interesting.
FancyShark: Two years after THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND!; "Generating warmth" means he peed his pants
gellaho: ✅ Redhead
FancyShark: You can finally relax, Brendan; Redhead quota met
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt: Lips moistened incoming?
LyraV: I was seriously going to make bet there would be no redheads this week.
gellaho: "Why are my pants so tight"
FancyShark: Wow, Robert. You insatiable romantic
Gentleman Brendan: These books all know.
gellaho: There's some Steele
gellaho
LyraV: He needs to read Billy Karate.
FancyShark: He could only find solace in standing at the university graveyard, staring at children; wait
gellaho: Meanwhile: trains exist
FancyShark: Fuck yeah. NOW we're getting some Chicago!
Gentleman Brendan: Of course in your primitive era, men were still capable of emotional expression.
LyraV: The railroad station is a railroad station.
gellaho: Metaphors are hard
FancyShark: lol; I think I'd rather be buried under rubble than try to sit through a priest's standup routine; Very few have comedy chops
gellaho: Maybe this was a bad idea? Nah
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: "But he could not cry, because the auburn-haired woman had made all the water go into his balls as pee."
LyraV: His toes encased in sweat and also socks.
FancyShark: Propel with noticeable lack of agility is a sick burn
gellaho: This is the kind of grit that you want from a pitcher
FancyShark: "Don't worry. To strengthen my arm, I've been masturbating since sunrise"; "As I'm sure you've all noticed"
gellaho: I hope you were a small child at the time
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: ...was it a condition that he also tell them their exact season strategy?
gellaho: I also find that hard to believe
Gentleman Brendan: This tears it: baseball is apparently a form of government in this social fabric.
FancyShark: But remember that no one cares about baseball unless they do
gellaho: "Yeah, we're firing all those people. Anyway"
Gentleman Brendan: what the
gellaho: "This seems like an unnecessary amount of work"
Gentleman Brendan: it's not an element of surprise in november, Norbert.
LyraV: To fool all those baseball spies sent in by their enemies?
Gentleman Brendan: I have known sports journalists and I assure you most of this job is just calling up the office and reporting their official statements.; This is some kind of baseball military coup
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: After he already revealed how much exactly he'll be pitching?
FancyShark: This seems like the kind of procedure you'd use to get a diplomat through a warzone
gellaho: EVERYTHING MUST BE SECRET AND WEIRD
FancyShark: "You will each sit at a separate table in the Hawthorne Shopping Mall in Vernon Hills. Wait for the signal, then order a chicken quesadilla with NO MUSTARD. I repeat, NO MUSTARD"
gellaho: There are like a billion baseball games a year, I guarantee you will be going to more places
LyraV: All of our playing dates? Are you sure baseball daddy?
gellaho: WHEN WILL THE VEHICLE BE OPERATIONAL
FancyShark: "If we hit a cow, one hundred and forty-nine miles per hour"
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Okay, honestly, the most incredible thing so far is that anyone thinks you can take thirty cars to 150 mph on Amtrak rails in 2002.
gellaho: The world renowned undergrad stat professor
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Across the entire east and midwest.
FancyShark: You can, actually!; Just, y'know, for only a couple minutes before the next stop
gellaho: Listen, it's a private train which means it's magic
FancyShark: All trains are magic
Gentleman Brendan: What exactly are they concealing?
FancyShark: I assume there are baseball assassins
Gentleman Brendan: Amtrak can't even get 150mph on Amtrak.
FancyShark: Look, the blurb I read and didn't fact check said they can reach 150mph and I believed it
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Yeah their website says 150, max.
FancyShark: It probably is like how cars have speedometers that go up to 180mph. No one gets there, but it allegedly says it's possible
Gentleman Brendan: Cars are legally prohibited from reaching 196 because that's when you start to time travel in your time travel; Back to the Furious 3: Tokyo 1943 Drift
gellaho: Well, that boring paragraph was the end of Chapter 5. Good a place as any to stop. Coming up next week: practice!; Coming up next week: Practice!
FancyShark: Sounds good!; Thank you, @gellaho !; This was way crazier than expected
LyraV: This was not what I expected but also supremely awesome!
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt: Amazing book cage! Glad I could make it!
FancyShark: Phenomenal riffing, everybody! Chloe still wins
gellaho: If you were wondering, they don't actually get to baseball games until page 149 of this 212 page book
FancyShark: We're glad you could make it too!
gellaho: 'Til Next Time
Gentleman Brendan: Good lord, what a ride and also non-ride.
gellaho: Just think: he's taking a dump right now
LyraV: That's phenomenal.
Gentleman Brendan: The shittiest book ever written still took an intense effort to make.; Which is why it's important to ask, who is the audience?
FancyShark: Kids whose dads are trying to bond with them when one loves sci-fi and the other loves baseball?
Gentleman Brendan: They're just gonna be one of them bored half the time then switch.; there's not even any sci-fi in this sci-fi.
gellaho: Just think about all the baseball articles and strategy documents I skipped
Ramb$ne Gracie, Space Matt: Yeah but maybe they'll talk about fries more
Gentleman Brendan: "You will proceed to the bank at 2 p.m.," said Norbert. You will give the teller a note reading "I have a bomb--"; "But why--" began Matthew.; "Good lord, you popinjay, I haven't time to explain my intellect!" cried Norbert, who dug his own eyes out with a spoon.; Fries and baseball, that William kid knows how to have a good time.
gellaho: Spoiler alert: yes; What's weird is that I didn't skip any of the recruiting
FancyShark: I want to see Matt go through all this and become jaded and washed up, then go coach a little league team
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: Thanks everyone!
gellaho: He only recruited three people
FancyShark: And subject them to training that he thinks is normal and is just utterly psychotic
Gentleman Brendan: Matt has no wants, goals, fears, motivations, or obstacles that I can figure except to make enough money to buy fancy dinner for a redhead with nipples that ring God's doorbell.; He is merely the automaton for this mad coot.
Juho, Definitely a Cultist: My god what a phrase.
Gentleman Brendan: And just think, you get the prremium stuff for free. Thank @gellaho for that.
gellaho: His motivation seems to be a childhood pitching dream. Which is weird for a guy who never went to a major baseball game until one year prior
FancyShark: So many people dream about throwing stuff, but Matt's going to DO it
gellaho: The Book Cage Episode 71 Part 2 THE NEW AToms' BOMBSHELL; Almost forgot my announcement. It's been a weird day. Anyway, back to baseball. Or, presumably baseball. We will no practice with this motley assortment of weirdos and college professors as they attempt to win the world series. All with no experience and a mad scientist who blinded himself and shits into his chair. Computers will abound, our main character will be forgotten in his own story. Find out how this bizarre narrative (?) ends, this Friday, 5pm Eastern.
gellaho
gellaho: If you need to catch up the first part has now been archived: https://gellaho.com/books/187-the-new-atoms-bombshell
gellaho: Coming up on the hour, it's THE NEW AToms' BOMBSHELL
Last Chance to Beat the Javo: In the future, maybe baseball will be ok? - a mindbending sci-fi premise
gellaho: No preview as we're halfway through, but here's the first paragraph of Chapter 6
gellaho: Baseball is on the brink of extinction and the most important thing on Earth
Last Chance to Beat the Javo: hm thats seems counter intuitive
gellaho: There's also a Intro to Statistics professor who is a computer genius, blinded himself, and shits in his future chair
Last Chance to Beat the Javo: So this is basically baseball X-men
gellaho: If Cyclops was an untalented college psychology professor who is pretending to be horribly burn to fulfill his pitching dreams; And they were paid in French fries
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Did we ever figure out why it's spelled like that; AToms; Or stylized, whatever man
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: It's because the former owner was named Tom.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): I don't know if you're lying but based on what I know about it I believe you
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I mean I just kind of assumed but it makes logical sense.; And not naming your team after yourself is for people who cant afford to build a giant mushroom cloud made of glass in the middle of a lake.
gellaho
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Ugh
Ozzie: I second that; I thought AToms was a bit Gellaho was doing at first.
Last Chance to Beat the Javo: This team is a tribute to my father and also the most horrible weapon ever developed by humankind
gellaho: The only team I know that are actually named after the founder are the Browns. And look what happened to them
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Though it's not without precedent
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Also another Cleveland team got its start like that; The former Cleveland Indians used to be called the Cleveland Naps after their best player, Nap Lajouie
gellaho: So you're saying there wasn't a Jimmy Cavalier
alfredo disco jakesy (69): In our hearts you know he's out there somewhere
gellaho: Anyway, we got a hard out in three hours. Let's begin
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Imagine being so good the team is just like yeah we're just going to call ourselves by your name
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: PLAY BALL!; Soon.
gellaho: Professor Norbert is very humble
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Hahaha
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "I AM YOUR BASEBALL GOD! BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP! DO AS..........uuuuurrrgh.........I COMMAND! What? No, I wasnt going poopy."
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Off to a great start
gellaho: BASEBALL WAR
Ozzie: I think this guy was my little league coach
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "I will teach you to kill, and to die in service of your team."
gellaho: You are all losers on the diamond of battle
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "It's not your fault you totally suck."; Which is what all underperforming white men want to hear.
gellaho: BATTLEFIELD BALL PARK
gellaho: which he didn't build, the dead guy did
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Uhhhhhhh.......Professor Poop Chair........this sounds like cheating?"; "NO! Its absolutely legal to have pop up turrets vaporize balls with lasers! There's no rule against it!"
gellaho: I guess that's a metaphor you can use
alfredo disco jakesy (69): That's an odd way to describe a Jumbotron
Ozzie: Bad move for your book to make me start thinking about the movie Baseketball
gellaho: Adorable
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Aw they made a little diagram to save the author having to describe a baseball diamond and avoid an Abbott and Costello bit.
gellaho: The musical career of sitting in a hovel and refusing to record music
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Ah yes, the lucrative musical career path; Much safer than baseball
gellaho: That's not how that works
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Amazing
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: In the futurepast, baseball is so hopeless people would rather become blues hobos.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Slaphitting huh; Was this book written by Ichiro?
gellaho: Swing and a miss on "reliefers"
gellaho: I know what that means
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Wait chicks can play baseball now?; Talk about a dystopian future amirite!?
gellaho: BEHOLD MY TOILET THRONE
Juho: Nah, surely they don't allow dames inta stadiums on accounta their wanderin' wombs.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: It just hit me that I can make a very fun layered joke by calling him God-Emperor Norbert and referring to his chair as a "golden throne"; So pretend I did that but with maximum effort.
gellaho: Live baseball, read baseball
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Eat baseball. Sleep baseball! FUCK BASEBALL!; Gets out baseballs with holes drilled in them. Players start looking scared
Juho: Worship baseball
gellaho: This baseball field is supposed to be like 400ft by 400ft. So those are some enormous rooms
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "BEHOLD! THE LIVING QUADRANGLE!"; Shit wait wrong book.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Glad I had a diagram; If that's to scale their living quarters are huge
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Palatial!
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Ah shit scooped
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Oh shit I didn't realize there was a book cage happening right now
Brendan: Hi, I'm running around, what'd I miss today?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Norbert is making a defiant speech about baseball warriors drinking from the skulls of their enemies, and pooping secretly. Also diagrams.
gellaho: So begins Matt/Michael's long period of isolation
Juho: The mess hall is large enough to seat 1,000.; Nope, 1200.
gellaho: Matt also seems to be referring to himself with his fake name, which is weird
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: You have to get into character so you dont slip up, its like in Hong Kong movies like City on Fire, the undercover cop starts sympathizing with the criminals.
Brendan: ...how did I make that red?
Juho: Okay the living quarters boxes? Of which there are 18? Those are 18,000 square feet. EACH.
gellaho: They will never, ever be able to hit your slow, slow ass pitches
Juho: That's 300,00 square feet of living quarters spaces.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I'm not a baseball expert, but this seems like a stupid plan.
FancyShark: Sorry I'm late. Traffic was...present. Mr. Brendan, please bring me up to speed
alfredo disco jakesy (69): "Just throw it slow, that'll fool them"; That's why there are so many successful junkballers these days
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: it's a shame no one has thought of bringing some slowpitch office league pitcher to MLB; They'd obviously dominate
Brendan: Weird, I also can't edit it to see how I did so:
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Norbert made a speech about baseball war, and Michael is going nuts.
gellaho: "We will make your form terrible and inconsistent"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Mine did that too, I think it didnt send properly.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): So Johnny Cueto actually does this successfully. But he's the only one
Brendan: Norbert's entire strategem is "The world's greatest swordsman doesn't fear the second-greatest, but the unpredictable newbie."
gellaho: That's why all MLB teams employ 9 year olds just out of tee ball
FancyShark: It does that if Discord borks out
alfredo disco jakesy (69): He's got like 5 different deliveries
Brendan: Over the course of 9 swordsmen; Rex, save us
Ozzie: It shows up red like that if it fails to post the message, that's what the refresh image in the top right is for, to retry posting it.
FancyShark: Higher blood pressure is always good in arms, right?
Brendan: This is the plot of Rookie of the Year plus Blank Check.; Ergo Matt is a 13-year-old.
gellaho: And finally: horse exercises
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I think that unpredictable newbie thing has always sounded kind of fishy, because at that point why bother training at all?
FancyShark: It eventually leads to a new player every pitch
gellaho: Hahaha
Juho: I hate to keep harping on about tbe numbers, but that place is three times the size of the laegest Walmart.
gellaho: Robert Browne, you fucking nerd
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Okay guys, time to let your physical conditioning slide for about two months."; "Dont worry, I have a plan!"
alfredo disco jakesy (69): We're going to win WITH THE POWER OF THE MIND
Brendan: It was an era of dreams, when baseball yet loomed larger than capitalism.
gellaho: "If I study enough, I will be the greatest pitcher!" pushes up glasses
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "No, of course it isnt to betray you for Yankees money."
gellaho: It's also a pointless recreation built underground.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Again not a baseball expert, but this sounds like a great way to lose baseball games.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): To be fair I would think this whole thing was badass when I was like 9
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Having flabby players who dont know what they are doing.
FancyShark: The strategy is guns, isn't it? He's just going to shoot all the opposing teams
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "The outfield has antipersonnel mines, so no need to worry about that."
FancyShark: "We have their families. They'll lose if they want to see them again."
gellaho: My intensive study will make me the best
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Moneyball but for even bigger dorks; How is this possible
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I've instantly forgotten who Herbert was and decided he's Norbert's manservant and lover\clone
gellaho: Four months of recitation will win ball games
FancyShark: Four months later, they knew their strategy: "ERROR 404"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Okay but they still need to do physical training so they can respond quick enough.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): How could anyone but the worlds biggest nerd this this would work
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: And not just stand there like derps as their brain interprets shit.
FancyShark: Silence, nerd! Someone study at him!
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: This is the strategy that would be devised by an anime character who pushes his backlit glasses up his nose with his middle finger
gellaho: I'm not sure how this strategy works in other stadiums where you won't have access to your magic computer
alfredo disco jakesy (69): I can't believe I had to nerds!!!! the book cage
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: poops secretly
FancyShark: Their entire strategy depends on public wifi
Brendan: This book is like a documentary of the Cubs winning the world series steeped entirely in the pre-season manager's office.
gellaho: Yay?
alfredo disco jakesy (69): "Nerd like a champion today"
FancyShark: BASEBALL WILL SET YOU FREE
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Ohhhhh this is dark.
gellaho: And is more optimistic than real life, where it would take 14 more years
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Baseball gulag.
Brendan: I would love it if all of this ended in disaster because Norbert is a certified lunatic.
FancyShark: If you don't want to play baseball, it feels like a gulag
Juho: Yet was entirely irrelevant. Those Halcyon days.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): If you do want to play baseball it feels like a gulag
gellaho: So much finger tutting
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Nobody is playing baseball here
alfredo disco jakesy (69): And now they have to finger blast each other?
FancyShark: Finger calisthenics is a fun way to say "video games"
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Ok this is just Nexium
Juho: Wait, even the practice grounds are underground?
alfredo disco jakesy (69): They're all going to fuck Norbert aren't they
gellaho: Matt Paradise is so not a part of this story anymore
gellaho: And not just because he gave up his own identity
FancyShark: One if/then statement and he's out of a job
gellaho: No, Norbert also sterilized himself in addition to blinding himself
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Hahaha oh no
FancyShark: That just means Norbert can't fuck; It doesn't mean others can't fuck him
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: The players gonna run a train gape on Norbert, he wants to increase his ability to poop secretly.
LyraV: I forgot about Matt Paradise (great stripper name)
gellaho: Teamwork!? Fuck you. Now, sit in a room by yourself for five more months and stretch your fingers
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Okay but I'm like three day away from fucking or stabbing Lewis, can we start doing these sessions like......outside?"; "No."
gellaho: Didn't want that to be a reply, but here we are
FancyShark: There's no "we're going to lose" in team
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Make sure the cameras can see you at all times."
Juho: Nm
gellaho: Michael/Matt's slow decent will surely not be exacerbated by this
FancyShark: Don't try to win us over with sexy sporty sexy lady, nerd author
Brendan: WhuHHUHH a WOMANS playing SPORT
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Shes going to fall in love with Michael and not realize hes secretly a Matt!
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
FancyShark: "It IS science fiction!"
Brendan: This book came out what, four years before they physically attacked a woman for trying to run the boston marathon.
gellaho: We have fun, don't we
Brendan: That was a real thing that happened! A man! Got very angry! That a woman ran next to several hundred other men!
gellaho: Clearly Valentine
gellaho: Such fun
Brendan: And that man? ORGANIZED THE MARATHON.
FancyShark: Like how a dog chases after a bicycle
LyraV: I didn't know about that but it feels worth looking into, wtf?
Juho: So this idea is basically "make players baseball robots via essentially subliminal voice commands", right?
FancyShark: Live Action Nintendo Baseball WILL happen, dammit!
gellaho: "Are you comparing me to the literal mental patient? You think that's going to make me feel better?"
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: misogyny is a time honored tradition
gellaho: So, so much fun
LyraV: Also it's gross.
FancyShark: Was Whitehead the vampire?; I was certain there was a vampire they recruited from a ruined building last time
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "I put him in The Box. He needed to be in The Box."
Brendan: If you men want to win this ball game, you're going to have to let a man who mutilated his own genitals remote control your every move.; I dunno...it worked for Tesla.
gellaho: Nice. Very nice French frying
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: ftr my buddy doesn't have a dick and he'd kick all your asses; he didn't cut himself up to play underground cyber baseball tho; Afaik
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Wasted opportunity, but everyone has their own reasons.
Juho: Yeah but there's only one player controller per team, and there isn't AO for the controlled team.
Brendan: Okay, this feels fundamentally unethical.; Does the Rainman get ANY food if he hits the ball another way?
gellaho: Just that though, right
FancyShark: Yeah. Everything else is above board.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "You know about conditioning? Pavlovs dog?"
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Look Mr. Pavlov is becoming a much better hitter now and also whoops he gained 40 pounds
gellaho: "We'll figure out running the bases, a minor detail"; It's not a vital part of the game or anything
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Next week we shove an electrified rod up his ass. Cos science."
FancyShark: I hope it's revealed that this dude just loves fries and is humoring the scientists
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Famously arm strength is something that is easily trained
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: No need to like have these guys do cardio so they dont get tired from all the running that baseball famously doesnt involve.
gellaho: "Right in the nuts. Very cute"
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Most pitchers and baseball players are drafted with weak arms and they they make them strong in a matter of weeks
Brendan: I mean, according to goodwill.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Thankfully they picked trigger words that he'll never heard by coincidence, like "pitcher"
FancyShark: This whole book is an offensive maneuver
LyraV: French fries used as tools in behavioral conditioning, sure okay Baseball stuff.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: They'll never let him out of The Box so its never going to be a problem.
Brendan: Why aren't they pavloving ALL the players?
gellaho: "I'll let you completely change my identity and mind, but I draw the line at intentionally hitting the pitcher"
FancyShark: Not enough fries
alfredo disco jakesy (69): I'm so triggered by this authors complete lack of any athletic knowledge
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Are..........they implying that Whitehead is maybe disabled?
gellaho: They are brainwashing them, that's why
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Are we doing a Heart of the Dragon but for baseball?!
FancyShark: The final plan is to give Whitehead an axe
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: It's cleverly concealed blades will pop out of the bat when someone yells "ARRRRGRIGHTINNAFRUIT!"
gellaho: Michael, still isolated, is not able to enjoy the games of Pepper
gellaho: Whatever the fuck Pepper is
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Ah the classic Clockwork Orange training method; Sorry spoiler alert
FancyShark: It's where you eat pepper and then say "pepper!". It's not very fun
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Thats when baseball players take off their pants, sprinkle their dick and balls with pepper, and take turns licking each other. First one to cum loses.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: yeah that never had any downsides
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Famously forcing people to watch hours of film works every time
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: okay no one ask sausage about his weekends
gellaho: Poke the ball is maybe the worst advice I've ever heard
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Lol
FancyShark: Don't have to. They're wiiiiild
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Tell me you've never played baseball without telling me
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Like when that guy made me watch all those Kubrick films and I choked him to death
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Yeah you wanna just stab at the ball when you bunt
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Yeahhhhh do it gently. Poke that ball. Yeaaahhhhh do it slooooow."
FancyShark: Billiards is basically baseball
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "No, slow down......yeahhhh thats gooooood."
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: This is all an elaborate prank isn't it?; It's a Truman Show twist, except a Japanese gameshow?
gellaho: I'm so lonely, and I can't remember who I am anymore
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Yeah Norbert is gonna watch them lose every game, then yell "I WAS HIRED BY THE YANKEES!"
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Also here's my even bigger beef with this guys methods: who the fuck teaches small ball anymore?
FancyShark: I want this to culminate in them learning they're actually fighting a ground war with alien invaders
alfredo disco jakesy (69): You should care about launch angles and rocketing piss missiles 500 yards over the fence
FancyShark: Nope. Just a spirited game of catch
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Yeah there's no reason to be concerned that a guy is so lonely hes creeping on a woman from ten thousand feet away because she smiled. Probably she was thinking about french fries, or kittens or something, but in his world, that was HIS smile.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Not this bullshit slap hitting and advancing runners; Like this isn't even good strategy
gellaho: UNCOVER LEVIATHAN
FancyShark: Computer says it works. What, you don't agree with computer?
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Hahahaha
Last Chance to Beat the Javo: Unleash the Krakken rough draft
alfredo disco jakesy (69): The problem is the actual computer says swing for the fences every time
Ozzie: They just yank a tarp off it
FancyShark: The Kraken also works for french fries
Juho: Ok so I'm drunk but bas the entire strategy been "voice-controlled robots"?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Leviathan is their genetically engineered black guy.; Gonna call him Levi for short.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: What I say when I -
gellaho: This seems needlessly elaborate
gellaho: And ridiculous
Ozzie: Oh shit, they DID just yank a tarp off it
gellaho: Practice is best when completely by surprise and unexplained
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Lol what
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Pitching machine set to "KILL!"
gellaho: It's a pitching machine, but stupid
LyraV: Have to bounce and get stuff done before among us later, everyone riff like mad awesome.; I'll see it later!
alfredo disco jakesy (69): "BRING OUT: DIABLO" (pulls tarp off the 1st base coach)
FancyShark: later, @LyraV !
gellaho: "A task only I - Norbert! - is capable of and - what's that? They already have those? And they don't require punch cards?! Don't you lie to me!"
FancyShark: I refuse to see Leviathan as anything but Warbot
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Breaking news: Tech bro thinks he invented batting practice
gellaho: "Of course, Michael/Matt experienced non of that humanness. Which is why he know stores his own urine"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "B....but Leviathan has armor piercing capabilities! He can atomize an infielder at 2 miles!"
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Like literally all this shit is done by a 50 year old man hitting grounders to the infield right now
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Mikematt is becoming a real Phantom of the Baseball weirdo type.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): You don't need leviathan you need a retired redneck
FancyShark: "Yeerrrrrrrr OUT!"; "LEVIATHAN COMMAND: EXECUTE BUNT PROTOCOL"; "OH SHIT! RUN! SO MANY KNIVES!"
gellaho: You are going to love this, then"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "His protocol for being kicked accidentally includes him deploying The Crushinator modules in his legs."
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Lol
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Yessss touch the rubber."
FancyShark: Their strategy is tires
gellaho: Which is good because umpires are famously infallible
Brendan: This is so much tech when they could have just hired a retired MLB DH
alfredo disco jakesy (69): We spent a million futurebuxx on something old men currently do as part of their coaching jobs
Brendan: We don't actually need home plate umps anymore.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: And Norbert did this with like a million dollars no less.
FancyShark: "Unless it's cloudy. Then the umpire just yells out slurs."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Even in the 80s this would have cost way more than a million dollars.
Brendan: In 1974 dollars, that's enough money to pay for the entire Harvard graduating class's tuition.
gellaho: "You will all meet my toilet chair! Michael, you sit there and sadly watch life fly by without you"
FancyShark: Or most of a tomato from Whole Foods
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: They still have to make out with a skeleton tho.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Also is there a dorkier way of describing this than "this is your finishing school?"
FancyShark: Nothing builds teamwork like solitary confinement
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Now he's paranoid that Valentine and Judy are together a lot.
gellaho: "You are a fucking loser, Michael. It's not like you own this team or anything"
Brendan: Are they still doing secrecy even on the way to their opening day game?
FancyShark: "A product of months of study"
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Hahahaha
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "And pitching for your team is...............THIS RANDOM MUMMY LOOKING FUCK!"
FancyShark: They're not going to know who they're playing until the game is over
alfredo disco jakesy (69): What if, and stick with me here, we make your changeup look like a fastball and the fastball look like a changeup?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "He's been lurking in the rafters for months! Watching your every move!"
FancyShark: SORCERER!
Brendan: I know I harp on this but Norbert disfigured himself cellar and attic to focus on stats, and then took a year's sabbatical to be distracted by this charmless pud.
FancyShark: <gollum><gollum>
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: This is how witch panics start.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Again he invented a junkballer who also throws an occasional 4 seamer to keep hitters honest
gellaho: One of the local sports writers writes about the villain lair stadium before being fired. Of course, nobody cares about baseball, so this won't really matter -
alfredo disco jakesy (69): This is how you know he's never watched a game
FancyShark: Listen to me! There's a baseball stadium under Chicago! It was built by a madman!; Someone! Please!
gellaho: 3/4 of the way through the book
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Wait.......he's fired because people don't care about baseball so aggressively that they hate people that write about it or because he wrote a story and nobody belives in the glass mushroom cloud in Lake Michigan?; Either one of those seems insane to me.
gellaho: Time to wax poetic
Brendan: The worst part is this guy's ridiculous sci-fi world perfectly predicted the mundane development of baseball.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: This is why nobody likes baseball anymore.
gellaho: He was going to be fired because he supported the AToms, so he decided to write about the crazy stadium on his last day; It's a whole subplot I skipped
FancyShark: lol
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: That is also insane.
gellaho: I always skip newspaper subplots
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Fair.
FancyShark: I like it all the more that you skipped it
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Except it's boring in this future because of small ball and it's boring in our current times because of three true outcomes
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I appreciate the explanation.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): The result is similar
Brendan: This guy wrote Field of Stupid Dreams
FancyShark: "Man loses career pointing out plot holes in the book" is a great subplot made better by being a throwaway gag
Brendan: Let's get rich writing a book about the beauty of baseball our dads will love I KNOW I STILL HAVE TO EDIT OUR LAST BOOK
gellaho: Go out there cold with a pitcher you've never practiced with
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: The only way this gets more than accidentally awesome is if theres a baseball kaiju that wrecks Chicago.
Brendan: I'm actually working on article assignments while we do this.
gellaho: Who's only practiced pitching, so the other team will be able to steal all the bases they want
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Hahahaha; Yeah warm ups are for losers, let's read more
gellaho: I'm not sure if Robert Browne knows you can steal bases; He has not talked about it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: It's almost like the author doesn't know even basic shit about baseball.
FancyShark: That's going to be the big twist/secret move
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Like not even stuff youd know about via cultural osmosis.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): It sounds like he read an encyclopedia Brittanica article about baseball and decided that was all the research he needed
gellaho: At least five rules being broken here
FancyShark: Again, I want to know what information he was given about baseball for this. Did he ignore it or did his sources just fuck with him?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Is the author some kind of in-vitro tube man who was raised by a cult in the middle of the woods and the only game he knows is Pepper?
gellaho: Not to mention how fucking heavy a air conditioned hazmat suit must be
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Is Pepper something his baseball guys made up to fuck with him?!
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Also how not suspicious the hazmat suits look
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Yup.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Definitely nothing fishy here! No sir
Brendan: Completely legal team uniforms.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: It's like how you never look twice at a guy in a beekeeper uniform
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Also if everyone hates baseball who is even going to come watch these games?
gellaho: Where's the AC unit, Browne?
Brendan: Again, we are supposed to be rooting for the cheaters.; STORM SHADOW!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Baseball ninja!
FancyShark: "People in the crowd, do not panic at the players wearing gear that indicates you might die. Enjoy a free onion ring."
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Ohhhh I get it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: SNAKE EYES IS ON THE YANKEES!
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Their socks are the colour of the stadium walls
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: This was a GI Joe comic the whole time!
gellaho: I don't believe you
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Oh damn I didn't know that AToms translated means Houston Astros
FancyShark: Now you know
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I dont believe anyone is in the stands.
Brendan: One free onion ring is worth 20 fries, though. Have they tried bribing Space Lenny with onion rings?
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: I'll never get used to american unit conversions
FancyShark: Dude fuckin' mauls for some rings
gellaho: Oh, his first game as a MLB pitcher was overwhelming and momentous?
gellaho: I never would have guessed
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Well, that and the heatstroke from his uniform
FancyShark: This better end with sniper fire
gellaho: Maybe should have done more than read and stretch his fingers
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Its almost like there are stakes.; But not really?
gellaho: Hello?
FancyShark: The stakes for Michael are that he won't get a shitload of money. And we care about him because he's your simple everyman tenured college professor
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Norbert did some eye shit to Mikematt too!
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Oh fuck I forgot to learn baseball!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Gave him robot eyes!
gellaho: The exact same amount of money he could have gotten by signing away the team; Just enough time to build chemistry with a catcher
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Hahaha ten minutes of warm up pitches!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: hehehehehehe "beating his mitt"
FancyShark: Because spectators casually pay attention to the only thing happening at a baseball game
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Nobody is getting their futurepast hotdogs.; Or beers.; Or drinking those beers thru their hotdogs.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Well baseball is famous for a whole bunch of action happening all at once
FancyShark: They certainly don't watch it unblinking, hoping the game will end. End. END AND SET US FREE SO WE CAN GET TO THE CAR
gellaho: It's almost like he should have practiced fielding
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: It's almost like slowly tossing a ball underhand at a professional ball player is a real fucking stupid thing to do.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): It might also help to not be wearing a hazmat suit
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: I'm telling you, the prank reveal is coming so soon
gellaho: A bunch of bunts load the bases, people get mad at Matt/Michael for not mastering baseball from YouTube tutorials
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: They should just send the Leviathan out to pitch. No way the fans or the umpire will notice at this point.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Someone is gonna run out there and yank Mikematts pants down and everyone will laugh at his dick.; God this book would be so awesome if they atomized the batter, umpire and catcher with a robut.
Brendan: hahaha norbert trained him in everything except fielding a grounder
gellaho: It's going great
alfredo disco jakesy (69): And then he walks in two runs
gellaho: Robert Browne also invented a bunch of teams
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Hahahhahaa I dont even have context for this and it sounds like a pathetic performance.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: wait wait this is unrealistic; They have fans?
gellaho: I think he only knows the Yankees
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: I may have found the book's one and only plothole
Brendan: The book was quite clear Chicago turned out to watch them eat shit; This is pro wrestling with deep dish pizza.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Well, give the crowd what they want
Brendan: CHICAGO-STYLE PIZZA IS FOR CLOSERS
gellaho: Great start
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Man I want a pizza right now.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Unless it's deep dish pizza, fuck those creeps
Brendan: All that secrecy and they gobbled a dank
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Wait so they juiced the bases in the first and two runs walked in and they still only scored 8 runs
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: I guess cheaters never prosper?; Next time send Matt out in a giant mecha
Brendan: The Senators, for all we know, are a ragtag team with golden hearts bad news bearsing their way forward.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Hahaha; This is a good point
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Matt trips his mecha on its own feet, it falls and he rolls out of the cockpit with his pants down. Everyone laughs at his naked dick and balls and ass.
gellaho: Matt/Michael meets the grounds keeper for some nightly cliches
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: hehe cockpit
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Played by Morgan Freeman
gellaho: "Forget that I said most of the fans left early last chapter"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Yeah if you dont keep playing til the end of the game, we all cant see the full extent of how garbage you are."
FancyShark: Fans love watching failure from the team they did/didn't care about
gellaho: You and Robert Browne are on the same page
gellaho: That can't feel good
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Beloved" AToms.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Also how old is this book
FancyShark: "Here are the home addresses of all the players and the names of their children's schools"
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Feels like the Dodgers should have been in LA by then
Brendan: Who's taking bets the groundskeeper is Elon Musk Guy incognito, having faked his death?
gellaho: "You want details of how? Fuck you, reader"
FancyShark: Well I am NOW
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Hahahahaha whaaaaaat?!; They WON!?; No.
Brendan: I have edited so many schlocky hacks to know their next moves.
gellaho: Hey, hey. Tom at least was talented enough to play baseball
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Oh man. These people have it bad enough, they don't need to find out Elon Musk is alive too.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): The first game they were bad, now they're good. No FUQS
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Norbert bribed the umpire.
gellaho: He was a former baseball player. I don't know where you guys came up with the billionaire technocrat thing
Brendan: None taken, none given
FancyShark: Yes, reader, they sucked their first game. But I need to get the story moving, so they won.
Brendan: I mean he built an architecturally impossible stadium with a boring tunnel
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: He had that energy, you know?
FancyShark: Every person in this that isn't playing baseball is a SPECTRE admin
gellaho: Professor Norbert did that; With $5 million
Brendan: He was rich, and on paper, admirable, but his flimsy ego and BPD led him to lash out. He was billionaire Tom Musk
gellaho: Somehow; Almost got it. But that's closer to the football team, Robert
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Also missed the opportunity to clone himself, and staff his team entirely with identical guys named Tom, and therefore each man would be A Tom.
gellaho: No psychic points for you
gellaho: 1980
Brendan: Tampa Privateers.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: How the fuck are they winning games?!
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: I kind of love that name tbh
alfredo disco jakesy (69): The Devil Ray wasn't invented until the 90s though
FancyShark: Leviathan; It has to be
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: They put a baseball hat on him and noone noticed when they switched him in
FancyShark
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Well there's no rule AGAINST total body disruption.............."
gellaho: Michael/Matt has completely succumbed
FancyShark: "Wow. They sure grow 'em big in Chicago!"; Michael/Matt has gone mad with starting pitcher power
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: When you start questioning the value of independent thought, you are in the thrall of a villain.; DOCTOR PARADISE!!! has become a henchman.
FancyShark: Yeah. This is the middle act of a cult movie; Not a cult hit. I mean a movie about cults
gellaho: "Michael/Matt was also sequestered on his carriage like the man in the iron mask"
FancyShark: Mike/Matt is going to give birth to a demon child in the next act
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: What's her position again?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Mikematt is so disconnected from reality if she accidentally bumps into him he thinks "Nice, I got laid."
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Right now she's playing Left Out
gellaho: Oh, that's sad
alfredo disco jakesy (69): 🥲
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Swelling ardor; I'm the horniest bitch in the world and even I'm grossed out
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Turgid and throbbing baseball victory.
gellaho: Technically designated hitter, but she hasn't played yet; I believe she is the titular bombshell
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: With her weak little woman arms???; Oh right, they want the ball hit gentle
FancyShark: Swollen, pustule amorousness for baseball
alfredo disco jakesy (69): She has the power of COMPUTERS on her side
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Moist and glistening sports.
FancyShark: The clammy All American pastime
gellaho: That's the problem with the uniform, sure
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Sweating and aroused for bunting.
gellaho: Tie the outfit around the waist? What does that mean?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "HEYYYYYYYYY! The belt on that guys radiation suit is too lose! ILLEGAL!"
FancyShark: "I'm Robert Browne and I know why women shouldn't play baseball"
Brendan: Have we ever seen Judy give Mattchael even a single signal?
gellaho: Oh, yeah. Get that uniform tight. real tight
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: All the baboons start hooting "A WOMAN IN BASEBALL!? SACRILEGE! SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE!"
FancyShark: I don't believe so
gellaho: She may or may not have looked at him once
FancyShark: oh man, Mike/Matt, you're worse than high-school me
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Her ample, glistening breasts, heaving for baseball supremacy.
Brendan: Baseball is the least sex of our sports.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: It really is
Brendan: If it weren't for the bases of teenage fumbling, baseball would be zero sexual metaphor.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: baseball players are the least fuckable of all professional athletes
gellaho: Very subtle
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Counterpoint:
FancyShark: Which is weird, considering the amount of time people spend gripping a hard cylindrical object
Brendan: FOOTBALL, by GOD, AMERICAN GOD, that is conquest. We INVADE territory! We INTERCEPT agents of--wait, shit, what state am I in?
gellaho: Those curlers are sexy. And shuffleboard? Don't get me started
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: That gentleman has an absolute cake, I grant you
alfredo disco jakesy (69): That is my one example
FancyShark: We're all just avoiding mentioning the most slutty of all sports: bowling
Brendan: If you're an NBA player you have sex with Aphrodite. NFL, you marry a supermodel. Hockey, you go back to whatever the Russian equivalent of those two things is. But baseball? You marry Miss January once her career fizzles down.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: a few years of steroids and his heart will give out three thrusts in
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Fingers in all three holes..
alfredo disco jakesy (69): The hockey answer is Anna Kournakova
FancyShark: Darts players fuck, but they don't gossip
gellaho: Is this loading for you guys
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Russians get Baba Yaga and a bottle of potato vodka with some ethanol fuel mixed in.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Yeah as a Canadian, I regret to tell you all that hockey players fuck big time.
FancyShark: Not since the "Very subtle" post
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Can confirm
gellaho: Let's see
alfredo disco jakesy (69): ladies
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: A newfoundlander was on the team that won the Stanley Cup and he brought it home to st. John's last week, I was there for the parade
alfredo disco jakesy (69): MacKinnon?
FancyShark: Newfies are adorable; oh
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Yeah that is showing up for me.
gellaho: Yes! YEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
gellaho: ROBERT YOU'VE DONE IT
Brendan: I know they do. They just do it among certain demographics like our most Michigan of actresses.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Hahahaha
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: BOOOOOOOBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Excellent
FancyShark
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: We are statistically the horniest province
gellaho: SUBTLETY IS FOR THE WEAK
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Fucking fuck the image won't load for me yet; Someone tell me what happened
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: It it still pretty cold in Newfoundland?; Cos Ive been thinking about Canada in certain terms lately.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Hahahah of course she's a fuck goddess
FancyShark: Robert finally dropped all pretense and had someone say "How can I play ball when she has boobies?"
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Robert you horny son of a bitch
Brendan: MLB players, famously uncomfortable around women.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Making Hawke look like Peter David
Brendan: You see these boys, they're good boys
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Not this time of year, no. Been around 20-25 Celsius the last week
Brendan: That's really nice.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: It'd be funnier if men didn't keep saying shit like this
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: thats like a good ten degrees cooler than here, I'll take it.
gellaho: Nah, it's very funny
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: okay no bullshit my new job is a lawyer for the city
gellaho: Accident seems intriguing
Brendan: How many crimes is Matt committing right now?
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: my coworkers were telling me the other day about a guy who caused a traffic accident who sued the city because the lady directing traffic was too hot
Brendan: hahaha
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: (he didn't win the case)
FancyShark: You don't say
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: but yeah people are out here trying to recreate Seinfeld episodes I guess
Brendan: When I was editing Ape Man Daily we did a shoot with Jen Selter, and she legitimately stopped traffic at Madison Square.; Even the cops just...sat through a green light.; But nobody sued for the right to think with their dick.
gellaho: MY GOD, WHO COULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I mean to be honest, cops dont do much at the best of times. She probably saved some lives distracting those cops.
FancyShark: The computer crashed so hard it made their muscle memories go bad
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: buh yeah my discord just refuses to load any of the screenshots now so I may phase out for a bit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: This is the exact scenario why I got told to learn both handwriting and not to use a calculator for math, and its still bullshit.
FancyShark: Did you already try closing and reopening it?
Brendan: So is there a MISTER Traffic Cop?
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Yeah
gellaho: Robert Browne already forgot the Washington Senators
FancyShark: Robert horny. Robert not need remember other teams
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Oh even hotter: she wasn't a cop, she was a city employee. And also I don't know..; But I might take a turn at bat before you, Brendan :p
Brendan: You're much better placed.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Maybe they're in the NL
gellaho: Michael/Matt has taken months to get here, let's see how it goes
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Okay for some reason I can read them if I download the images onto my phone
FancyShark: Discord might be getting loaded down. If more people start seeing loading issues, the server may be getting borked
Rokku Made It Weird: You have great dogs
gellaho: Yes, this is how people talk
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: We do. They're very fluffy.
FancyShark: Dammit, @Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage . Did you get Metabarons in the baseball book?
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: The province has Labradors, too, since officially we're the province of Newfoundland and Labrador; We have all the best bitches.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Not yet, but maybe Future Sausage did.
gellaho: Matt/Michael not interacting with humans is starting to bite him
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Maybe, but my connection is shit, so who knows?
Brendan: She finally gave him a sign and it's "remember, you're my boss."
FancyShark: Mike/Matt is going to turn Judy into a skinsuit, isn't he?
Brendan: I'm getting server lag too.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "HAHAHHAA The way you play baseball so ineptly you have to get walked by forcing guys to risk nailing your boobs is rad" -Mikematt, Bad at woman.
Brendan: Did the ball hit her breasts?
gellaho: Very ironical
Brendan: "Women: happier serving than pursuing their dreams."
FancyShark: That's right, Robert. The only other job a woman can do is nursing. You're writing like a real adult!
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: it's ironical you know
Brendan: I mean nursing's an amazing occupation, but this book seems to think it's cool to just squash your aspirations.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Taking baseball after baseball to your heaving bosom, or taking care of the sick.; Your choice, LADIES.
gellaho: That's how all good romantic stories end. In Tampa
Brendan: Two baseballs in the bosom? That's like a second bosom!!
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: God a baseball to the breast would hurt so god damn much
FancyShark: Nurses are criminally underpaid and underappreciated, but in the 1980s, "nursing" was shorthand for "gave up"
Brendan: I don't think I've heard a more damning conclusion to a stifled romance than The train sped on to Florida.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Mikematts inner monologue "THIS IS SEX! I AM DOING A SEX!"
FancyShark: Saving this
gellaho: Well known rural area, Chicago
FancyShark: This too
gellaho: 2nd city? What's that
Brendan: If we let the libs change the name of the Washington Football Team and the Cleveland Sentinels of Liberty, they'll come for the Buccaneers next.; quiescent
FancyShark: Chicago, that one-horse town and dominant industrial center that sprawls over the good half of Illinois
Brendan: ...hunh.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Chicago, the place famous for nobody living there.; It has zero movies set there.
Brendan: Stockyards of the nowhere!
gellaho: Robert Browne has decided that telling a story is too hard. Now just disconnected events untrapped by time and location
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: that's what I say when I take a baseball to my heaving bosom to secure a win for the team
Brendan: NOBODY ELSE CLICK THE BALL
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: The "Shapiro" mode of story telling. Or not quite story telling, rather.
FancyShark: He blew his load when he mentioned boobs. Now he's just cleaning up.
Brendan: Do you want to exchange jordan peterson for ben shapiro and see if we can't get some great footage of Ben crying in a friendly interview?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "You have filled me with love." is code for "I would like to engage in pegging, ma'am."
Brendan: This is such a '70s view of romance.
gellaho: I blinded myself, don't think I won't cut your balls off
Brendan: Love is a Woody Allen film.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: I guess he's sick of pitching
Brendan: Love is a Simon & Garfunkel song.
gellaho: Still not sure why Norbert is baseball king
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Heyyyyooooooooo
FancyShark: He's got ball-cutters
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Norbert lost his eyes and awakened his sixth sense, which is "baseball"
FancyShark: He can be whatever he says
gellaho: Season went by fast
FancyShark: hahahahaha
gellaho: Why put baseball in the baseball book
FancyShark: Two chapters after the season begins
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: nah baseball is boring; actually he should have skipped all the games; and the rest of the book
FancyShark: 400 pages of "boobs"
Brendan: Where does the story RESIDE, Robert?
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: It's all loading fine now btw
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Robert typed every chapter one-handed from here on out
FancyShark: The real story was the friends we made along th-; wait, come back!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I would have made a tasteful concrete poem in the shape of boobs.
Brendan: AAA leagues, DD strike zone.
gellaho: A profile on a random umpire
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: ... if I want to make the majors, I might have to try progesterone after all
FancyShark: Sure, Robert. We'll join you in your ADHD
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Ooooh bad news about that, it's an 80 game suspension
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: God damn it.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: THey really get you coming and going sometimes.
FancyShark: It's okay. No one cares about baseball. Or they do.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Damn you major league baseball, and your unbeatable, never violated doping policies!
gellaho: Was the baseball made of concrete and razor blades?
alfredo disco jakesy (69): They do famously catch and punish all the dopers
FancyShark: That would make it more exciting
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: And so quickly
Brendan: After five years, they demand a new stadium at Chicago taxpayers' expense or they move to St. Paul, and it has to be in the shape of two breasts.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Hahahah
FancyShark: Luzansky is shot dead, as is the policy for any player who breaks a limb
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Oh noooooooo, Luzansky...........he was a guy.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Not even to the dome, to the fucking leg
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I guess.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Yeah baseball players are like horses
Brendan: He pitched so hard he Thighsmanned him!
gellaho: Somehow I doubt that
FancyShark: We'll never forget you, Lumanskee
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Yeah baseball players get their bones shattered by pitches all the time
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: totally normal.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): And if they did they'd be huge fucking babies about it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: They'll never forget the time the Leviathan gunned down the entire opposing team and the dugout had to be hosed out twice.
FancyShark: Sports fans are a forgiving lot
gellaho: I wish I could see that man I crippled
FancyShark: Headlines read "Foul!" and "They're out!"
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: The middle aged professor who learned baseball from books is just going to start throwing balls right through mother fucker's torsos, bits of bone and pink mist everywhere
FancyShark: C'mon, Robert. Give us Mutant League; @gellaho , has there been any mention of Whitehead in all this?
gellaho: An old millionaire with a heart condition watches baseball for several pages
gellaho: His favorite word is bum
gellaho: He's the mental patient who has been trained by French fries
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Why would they ask his doctor about that
FancyShark: Yeah. Has he shown up in any of the games?
gellaho: I'm skipping most of the games
FancyShark: The doctor really doesn't like discussing how bad he's failed his patients
gellaho: Bum
FancyShark: Heyyyy! Old timey baseball cursing!
alfredo disco jakesy (69)
FancyShark: Or the teams are comprised of homeless
gellaho: Bum
FancyShark: The needle is full of Windex
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Mmm. He's a catcher, huh?
gellaho: Bum and sedative
FancyShark: The nurse didn't need to do this. She just doesn't like his voice
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Yeah he had a better, more caring nurse, but he made her play baseball
gellaho: This computer voice seems very helpful
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: The computer is a strategic genius
gellaho: I AM AN ARTIST
alfredo disco jakesy (69): So the brilliant computer voice is just a drunk fan yelling obvious shit the whole time?
gellaho: There's some good news
FancyShark: Dammit, Skynet! How do I play baseball?!
gellaho: You've played like 200 games and now it's getting to you?
FancyShark: Nothing like questioning the whole setup when you're in the playoffs
alfredo disco jakesy (69): It's like the guy in the stands at the hockey game who just yells SHOOT all game
FancyShark: Robert Browne went to a ball game and thought the stands were packed with tacticians
gellaho: Whoa, hey, come on lady, I'm asking questions here
alfredo disco jakesy (69): I can't talk when I have a boner, you know this Judy!
FancyShark: So the computer's making her horny for him so he doesn't panic. Right?
gellaho: This is a weird conversation
gellaho
FancyShark: lol
gellaho: "I respect your respect for his right to privacy, darling"
FancyShark: Browne saw One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and thought "what if this, but Major League?"
gellaho: Sure, that's a thing
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: think the computer will help him fuck?
FancyShark: If he downloads the totally legit add-on
gellaho: But was it okay?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Nah those ads are bogus, women in his area do not want to fuck.
gellaho: STOP THE PRINTERS
FancyShark: Woman has completed incubation period and is ready for Love Interest
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: "it's okay" that's what she said after they fucked too
gellaho: BREAKING NEWS
FancyShark: HOLY FUCK
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: CHAPTER 11! AT SEVEN PEE EM!; I dont know if I can handle this!
Brendan: Seven eleven.
FancyShark: I HAVE TO KNOW: IS NEW YORK CITY STILL NEW YORK CITY?!?
gellaho: Remember, Matt is in bandages this whole time
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: My.......my chair! Its so extraneous! The edge!
gellaho: And calling himself Michael
FancyShark: hahaha, I didn't remember that. That makes it so much better
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Judy is hornt up for a guy she thinks is a crispy fried mummy who is socially awkward
gellaho: ENTER THE EXERCISE CHAMBER
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Allotment of practice tosses; Lol
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: That poor woman. Thinking she's dating a Michael when she's actually dating a filthy Matt.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): If only there were a word for that
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Err no offence @Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
gellaho: HE'S BREAKING OUT OF THE SYSTEM
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Bullpen…Szechuan? No that's not it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: It's fine, my actual name isnt Matt.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: It may or may not be Scholteim Reinbach XVI.
gellaho: Excuse me, but I think you mean Arm Barn
FancyShark: haha, Mike/Matt thinks he's ready to take the training wheels off before the final game
alfredo disco jakesy (69): How could I forget about the Arm Barn
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Norbert is screaming at him to stop having fun.
gellaho: I AM A FRESHMAN STATISTICS PROFESSOR
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Also you havent trained for actual baseball! You suck ass!"
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Actually a valid point
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "We did this because you specifically suck ass!"
gellaho: "Seems the toilet throne is on the other ass, eh, professor"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Do you think I rig baseball games for FUN?! I'm a man sitting in a shit chair who blinded himself on purpose!"
FancyShark: "Don't you care about the people you spent all those weeks not interacting with?"
gellaho: I PLAY BASEBALL FOR LOVE
gellaho: Book's nearly over. More characters!
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Only 17 hours to prepare
FancyShark: Git gud or git owt
gellaho: This claim to overthrow the baseball lord doesn't really work when you keep calling him "Michael"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: This is where Norbert says the rest of the teams trigger phrases and they bite off the Presidents nose.
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: execute uniform number 66
gellaho: France is inescapable
FancyShark: "Seems like anyone with a box cutter could have done this"
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: But without the computer's strategic genius, how will they know to catch the ball?
gellaho: I am but a baseball husk
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "My........my hands?! How do hand?! KINESTHETIC SENSES........DESERTING MEEE!"
FancyShark: Meanwhile, Leviathan is off befriending a small child, overthrowing an empire, and sexing all the sexybots
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Something something old man metaphor about how kids these days are addicted to their Ataris
FancyShark: "How will I know to stand in a field if a computer doesn't tell me?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I'd be a lot more into this "regaining free will" subplot if Mikematt hadnt volunteered them for brainwashing to avoid getting merked in the first place.
gellaho: Always a good sign when you start thinking in German and hallucinating
gellaho
FancyShark: It does lose something when he only agreed because money and spinelessness
gellaho: Or a vague baseball dream
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: And he's having cosmic LSD hallucinations?
FancyShark: Dang, that's right
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Like all the time?
Brendan: trust your feelings, Luke.
gellaho: We now return you to Old Man Heart Patient
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Like maybe he needs that computer so he doesnt rip off his shirt because its strangling him and declare himself the Lizard King of Third Base.
FancyShark: If Browne brings in baseball nazis, I think that's hack scifi bingo
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "We played so badly that day, we killed our fan."
gellaho: Just barreling into cartoon land
FancyShark: "In fact, he's dead"
gellaho: Thrill at technicalities
gellaho: Looooong technicalities
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Goooooooood just have a big fight.; I hear they used to do that at baseball games.; Just everyone run to the center of the field and beat the shit out of each other.; Back when baseball was cool.
FancyShark: LEVIATHAN: EXECUTE COMMAND OMEGA
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "OMEGA MODE ACTIVATED!"
FancyShark: <bunts>; "Take your base"
gellaho: 🎵 Baseball for looooove 🎵
FancyShark: "You. You're the best. Around."
Brendan: Who could have seen this coming??
alfredo disco jakesy (69): We need your bangin' titties now more than ever
gellaho: Skipped a very long section where Whitehead struck out because he saw a horsefly
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "No one could ever keep your titties down!"; "They're the best. AROUUUUND!"
FancyShark: The respect Browne has for the mentally aberrant is inspiring
gellaho: Such juicy watermelons
gellaho: It nearly killed the old man
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: heheheheh melons.
FancyShark: "You know he's going to throw the ball. He has no idea if you're going to swing at it."
gellaho: Yay! Divisional championship!
FancyShark: hooray
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Yayyyyyyyyyy now Mattmike gets to blow Judy's back wall out.
gellaho: On to the AL Championship! And the World Series!
gellaho: J/k the end
FancyShark: HAHAHAHAHA
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Hahaha; Holy shit; There's no way
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: LOOOOOOOOL
FancyShark: The gall to say he's a baseball fan
Brendan: I mean basically confirming my theory.
alfredo disco jakesy (69): And that he thinks he can play!
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: that ending really blindsided me
FancyShark: Which one?
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Like a baseball to the tit
Brendan: Tom = groundskeeper
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: Probably from all his reading and finger exercises
Brendan: Thanks for a great double header, hot dogs.
gellaho: And if you love baseball and sci-fi, you'll love... The Wizard of Oz?
FancyShark: You too, Brendan!
Lehcar, Dog si ym Natas: well it is an outlandish fantasy with very weak continuity
FancyShark: Thank you for being our guide, @gellaho !; Great riffing, everyone!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: And so is Wizard of Oz, hachachachacha.
FancyShark: heyooooooo!
gellaho: We have defeated THE NEW AToms' BOMBSHELL
gellaho: So concludes this edition of The Book Cage
gellaho: May all of your adventures end abruptly and anticlimactically
alfredo disco jakesy (69): Really he's looking for love in the dugout; Wait I call dibs on that title; Love In the Dugout by Jakesy & Friends
FancyShark: An Erotic Memoir in 37 Volumes
gellaho: Will Matt get his money or name back?; What of professor Norbert?; Robert Browne says no thank you