A "monster" who terrorizes Bayport and a girl who runs away to join a cult are the subjects of the Hardy boys' sleuthing.
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gellaho
The Book Cage Episode 78 The Hardy Boys ®️ #62: The Apeman's Secret
For our first dive into standard Hardy Boys fair, I thought we should start hot. And for Halloween, one revolving around costumes and cults. It's a bizarre mystery about a television caveman superhero, and that's not even getting into the verbiage used. This book was released in 1980, but "Jumpin' Jupiter" you'd easily mistake it for 1950. Join me, fellows, this Friday 5pm eastern as we learn about cruise ship cults.
gellaho
gellaho
Coming up on the top of the hour, it's The Hardy Boys ®️ #62: The Apeman's Secret. No preview, so enjoy the table of contents
Juho
Hot News, A Sticky Shadow, Muscle Men. It tells a whole story 🤌
FancyShark
I can only hear "Another Amulet" being read with an exasperated sigh
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The last three chapters are a couple syllables short of being a decent haiku about fucking an ogre.
"Hidden duo" doesnt have enough.
Rachel
I have no comment on chapter 16
Badgerman
You know what time it is!
Book Cage!
Gellaho's Book Cage!
FancyShark
Nor chapter 20
Badgerman
Holy shit, or 6
Rachel
Oh, there i have comments >: D
Ramb$ne Gracie
Sticky Shadow is just predicting guilty gear
Badgerman
11 is Another Amulet, which I guess reveals how Brockway kept going after finally losing at WikiWhy
gellaho
Time to begin
FancyShark
I can't imagine why you chose this book
@Rachel , book read starting!
LyraV
@Rachel book cage
Scooped
gellaho
Say cheese for the group photo, Apeman
LyraV
He secretly loves Carnival Cruise lines!
Rachel
But you made me happy
gellaho
Apeman is what you call a caveman superhero
Badgerman
Is the Apeman's Secret that he's actually the Hardies' real father?
gellaho
Frank is a brilliant detective
FancyShark
It was supposed to be a documentary but the producers took it in a weird direction
Rachel
a beetling brow.
Badgerman
Yeah, it most certainly can't be a foghorn, Frank. I agree
Rachel
if that's a real thing it's too archaic even for me
gellaho
Sufferin' snakes
FancyShark
SINISTER HOOT
gellaho
This is where I will remind you this came out in 1980
Rachel
sufferin snakes is this a parody
gellaho
It will be increasingly difficult to believe
Badgerman
SUFFERIN' SNAKES
gellaho
Rachel
did they get the same white guy as the one who wrote luke cage?
SWEET CHRISTMAS
FancyShark
holy shit, there are pictures
YES
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
rad.
FancyShark
YES
gellaho
It be the Doom Demon
FancyShark
Fucking sweet
Badgerman
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hell yeah fry those Hardy boys!
gellaho
It's your boy
Badgerman
Uhhhhh
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha Chet is metal as fuck this year.
Badgerman
"Moon face"?
Is. Isn't that a slur
LyraV
Chetry Morton you take off that Robot suit
gellaho
It means he has a fat head
Badgerman
Hmm.
Rachel
The Doom Demon. So it's based off a Malibu comic.
FancyShark
Chet is obese. That is his entire description. They never admit he's a hero
Badgerman
They really tripled up on the fat descriptors for that one sentence
gellaho
There are some subtle clues to Chet's weight
Badgerman
Did Dolomite ghostwrite that or what
FancyShark
oh shit, they used the "w" word
gellaho
The illustrator did not get the cardboard and foil memo
FancyShark
@Brendan ! Hardy readings!
gellaho
You know, comic book parties
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Chets dad is gonna be so mad when he finds out what Chet did with his taser.
FancyShark
"You want a Dark Souls enemy? Sure, no prob."
"What the hell is Dark Souls?"
LyraV
I don't know what an Alfresco Disco is and all my guesses feel preposterous.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yeah we did forget because we arent NERDS like you, Chet." Frank and Joe said, both meanly and untruthfully.
gellaho
Peevish fat boy
Brendan
My life was worse when it didn't take 15 minutes to open a root beer and sit down with Discord.
Agent of Fortune
BOOK CAGE
Fucking Chet
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Chet......my guy.......you're too pure to be friends with these two.
Badgerman
Did this ghostwriter have his whole family eaten by a fat kid when he was little or something
There's a level of vitriol in this narration that can't be healthy
gellaho
The Apeman is what you call a reverse Hulk. He was turned normal, and reverts when angry
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah this is where the 30-50 feral hogs guy came from.
Brendan
He said he used to put a bunch of #^&*! swear marks and the editor changed it to "SWEET CHRISTMAS!"
LyraV
A disco where you eat outdoors when you're tired of dancing.
FancyShark
Chet knows it's best to laugh along with the Hardys. He's been doing this Make A Wish thing for so long, he's forgotten to ask what is killing them
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Okay Reverse Hulk kinda works for a character.
Badgerman
So it's not so much "going ape" as "returning to monke"
gellaho
We continue our series on pranksters
FancyShark
Monkey hate crime. You crime. You die by monkey.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I would read a comic where a dude turns into a savage ape man and beats the shit out of the wicked.
Agent of Fortune
Take notes, Brendan
Badgerman
"Prankster" was the only word the 50s had to describe terrorists, wasn't it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Terrorists, and cosplayers.
gellaho
Jumpin' Jupiter, the begonias!
FancyShark
Someone's going to introduce whoopie cushions to Bayport and a bloodbath with ensue
gellaho
Again, 1980
FancyShark
Frank's being a catty bitch all by himself
Badgerman
I refuse to believe it. These manuscripts were all sentenced to the Phantom Zone back in 54 and published unchanged upon their release
Rachel
@Brendan okay i love tht ty
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank and Joe didnt notice the guy standing in the flowerbed and pleasureing himself. Great job, boy detectives.
gellaho
Say goodbye to Chet
Rachel
Sorry for disappearing @SKoW - Bigfoot Spirit keeps distracting me from inside my dms, that sexy bitch
Badgerman
THERE'S THE NUT
godless juice jakesy
Hahaha fuckin startled fatboy
Agent of Fortune
GET HIM
FancyShark
The next four chapters are Chet being beaten into pulp
Agent of Fortune
wait what ethnicity is Chet, is this a hate crime
FancyShark
It's a fat crime
gellaho
Chet's decision to roam around the neighborhood blowing a horn was sure to backfire
FancyShark
"He's insane! Bludgeon him!"
godless juice jakesy
Again, and we just want to stress, fat as fuck
Badgerman
"Have my readers forgotten this character is fat yet? Hrmmm, better remind them"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yeah yeah, kid. "You were on your way to a costume party.", tell it to the judge. We give people who make noise the chair in Bayport."
Agent of Fortune
Oh he's fat
gellaho
Count the number of "fellows" throughout the book
FancyShark
"Chet fatted his fatness across the thin, thin blades of grass that were eclipsed by his rolling mounds of flesh. Flesh that spilled off his body like the very melted ice cream he ate for every meal and every hour, the fat fuck"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh its Fentons kids. Nevermind, police rules mean you and your friends can do whatever."
godless juice jakesy
They showed their Police Benevolent association card and matching white hoods so they got the all clear
gellaho
Frank decides to become southern when talkin bout them Bigfoot critters
gellaho
That he might believe in
FancyShark
Mountain Monsters: Hardy Boys Edition would be the only time I'd feel safer with the Hardys
Badgerman
"Don't ask me how I know so much about what a foot should normally look like."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"YEEEEEEEE HAWWWWWWW JOE! WE DONE GOTS US ONE OF THEM MEESTEREES! DOGGONNIT!"
Rachel
Meth might actually improve the hardys
Badgerman
And even then…
godless juice jakesy
I think back in the 50s they were called "greenies"
FancyShark
A golf cart would explode every episode
Badgerman
The Hardy Cart
gellaho
We've heard you speak of him, said the children of the 70s
Brendan
Squeal like a Doom Demon, Chet!
Rachel
yeah me and greenies are rolling deep rn im not gonna lie
gellaho
I don't know how you can improve perfection
godless juice jakesy
THE INSURANCE MONEY
FancyShark
IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Back then you could get meth for cheap, granddad brought back a bunch of Nazi meth from Europe. Sometimes you can even get some where the box is stained with a Wehrmacht troopers blood.
Badgerman
Unfortunately, they had a bitter family quarrel. But the good news is, the troubled family daughter ran away and is now lost to us forever, which is the same thing as the problem being solved
gellaho
Sam Radley is 87 years old after all
Badgerman
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
godless juice jakesy
"You look like the kind of guy who would join a cult"
FancyShark
"We have a detailed write-up on this cult which I will now share with you, civilians"
Badgerman
Hang on, didn't we just take down the Ku Klux Kranksters in the last book cage? Is this some kind of First Order situation?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fenton's loose grasp of procedure and ethics makes this seem like a very good idea.
gellaho
Aunt Gertrude is serving up cake for dinner
FancyShark
I hope the cult is just a bunch of yoga enthusiasts with stupid robes
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Like I'm 100% sure its not ethical to have Frank and Joe hunt for teen runaways.
Badgerman
"Devil's food cake"
gellaho
Apparently Aunt Gertrude is Fenton's sister. I don't think the pervert who illustrated those manga got that memo
Considering he drew their mom almost identically
FancyShark
No, he did
Rachel
robots?
Badgerman
Twins, they were
Rachel
robots
gellaho
1980 New England, I do declare
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean he needed the other four woman templates for other women, you have to reuse them at some point.
Rachel
twins are a myth it's always been robots
Badgerman
Oh fie and ruin, not the flaps
FancyShark
Mark my words: her being unable to close the box properly is going to blow the whole case wide open
Brendan
It was a weird time. You could say pussy on SNL but you couldn't say hell or damn on most dramas unless it was a special occasion.
Beavis & Butthead kinda changed all that. Nobody would have said SUCKS, they'd say STINKS.
gellaho
The plan to build your props at the soon-to-be crime scene is a bold one
Rachel
I find the reverse weirder tbh
Badgerman
And even then it would have been one of the weird waterdown spellings like "damme"
Brendan
So okay, drat. But the I do declare is southern AF (as frying)
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Someone doing some Metal Gear Solid shit with their on site procurement.
gellaho
Be a weird thing to do in a children's book at any rate
godless juice jakesy
Flaps are wide open eh
FancyShark
In the director's cut, Chet throws animal organs at the house to scare people
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Aunt Gertrude can't close her flaps.
gellaho
I miss you, van
Badgerman
"Whippersnapper"
Rachel
listen who else are kid's going to learn these things from? their loving parents? comprehensive grade school sex education? might as well tell them to ask a unicorn
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man how lame do you have to be to fuckin have to go to a costume party as the Bucky to your brothers Captain America?
Brendan
sounds more like Max Mercury and Impulse
gellaho
Mr Linwood talking extremely naturally
Badgerman
FancyShark
"I certainly feel bereavement over unfortunate circumstances"
Badgerman
Joe's costume rules, actually
Rachel
mcu versions would make a decent couple's costume
Brendan
It's funnier if you picture him saying it to himself in a Hans Moleman voice, not realizing two teens dressed as golden age retiree superheroes are standing behind him.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"My grief, it gnaws at me, teen boys. It gnaws at me like rats."
Brendan
It's just a compounded pretension of youth and age, dreams and regret.
LyraV
"Oh if only thine words weren't carved upon my heart Sir"
Badgerman
"Sure, he's heavyset, but at least he's handsome, unlike that fatty mcfatfat ganoush Chet Lemon"
gellaho
Buzz Barton
godless juice jakesy
Buzz Barton
Brendan
How did you boys get in here? You're interrupting my memorization of this southern gothic unproduced Tennessee Williams play!
Badgerman
Baby names having a normal one in Bayport
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah Buzz couldnt have had ANYTHING to do with a girl going missing.
gellaho
You've heard of cargo cults, now behold the cruise cult
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
No that isnt suspicious at ALL!
Brendan
Do you mean Buzz Barton, the Wharton Whoremonger?
godless juice jakesy
Have you ever been on a cruise? They all feel like cult cruises
Badgerman
"Well, it's an Abrahamic reference, so they can't be all bad"
gellaho
How dare he exist
Keep up your fellows count
FancyShark
If you own a cruise liner, you better be pulling in serious numbers to keep your cult in the black
Badgerman
"The cult" is just LRH and his Sea Org
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh so its less Sue ran away from home and more she moved out.
gellaho
Well, I guess some things never change. Or stop exploding
FancyShark
Are we sure Bayport isn't getting routinely shelled?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahah how do they even get car loans anymore?!
Fenton isnt even done paying for this one.
Badgerman
It's the Hardy corollary to Chandler's Law. If you're ever unsure where to take a story, have a car explode
gellaho
never a problem when the cult prevents people from communicating with the outside
Rachel
this was the good old days when you'd buy a car for a nickle and get a haypenny back
FancyShark
Yep. 1880
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
All part of growing up. You move out of your parents house and into a cult commune. Sometimes thats on a boat.
gellaho
So many horseless carriages
Damn bipolar drivers
Badgerman
Boooo
FancyShark
"Same to you!" Joe yelled back.
Badgerman
Give us a real explosion, you hack ghostwriter
gellaho
Right up there
godless juice jakesy
No computers around, so a real explosion is impossible
LyraV
"I think I kind of liked it" -Joe
FancyShark
"Speaking of sticking things in exhaust pipes..."
"Joe, get back in the car"
gellaho
Presently, it was a right turn up
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Will they do juggling?!"
gellaho
Recorders? Ew
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Gee wilikers I sure hope they have a guy breathing fire!"
Badgerman
Oh god, it's every coffee shop band
FancyShark
Oh, okay. So they're threatening people.
"Pay us tithes or we keep playing"
Brendan
Back then computers ran on cassette tapes.
gellaho
Citation needed
Brendan
When they exploded it smelled like burning steel
Badgerman
Oh no, not our favorite cyborg cop
Brendan
This plot is the wildest one since blowing up elephants
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"culties" is probably what Frank or Joe calls them and nobody can convince them it wont take off.
godless juice jakesy
My god, we're being attacked by the Polyphonic Spree!
gellaho
The cult runs its own temp service
LyraV
You adorable culties, helping out around town and such.
Badgerman
Okay but listing their wages makes this cult kind of based
FancyShark
I'm starting to suspect the author thinks any group of more than three teenagers is a cult
godless juice jakesy
Ok this is absolutely the 50s now
gellaho
Still glad to not know what that means
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I cant take a cult seriously if the leader is named Noah because Noah is to me a kind of crunchy college student who has weed and likes Guitar Hero.
godless juice jakesy
Fuckin mimeograph?
gellaho
Ooh, apocalypse cult. That always turns out well
godless juice jakesy
We're like 50 years away from dot printers
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I say, Joe, these mimeographed broadsheets are jolly amazing!"
Brendan
Just then, a rainbow swept the sky, as if to taunt him.
FancyShark
"Better get a poultice ready in case any womenfolk are hysterical"
Badgerman
As the Hardies watched, the culties prepared a blood sacrifice to Abraxas in the middle of the square
gellaho
Why? We obviously suck
Brendan
Gen X Startup Is Disrupting the Local Handyman & Cleaning Lady Industries
FancyShark
Then they made turkeys out of construction paper
Brendan
That's gonna be me next week making Halloween decorations.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Do I look like a cult recruiter?!" Said the obvious cult member, not realizing non members dont notice the patches denoting rank.
gellaho
Ooh, an old warehouse. Nothing bad ever happens there
FancyShark
"What makes you think I'm in a cult?" says the skinhead
Badgerman
Did Bayport go through some kind of industrial economy crash to have this many empty warehouses just sitting around?
FancyShark
hahahaha
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Gee whiz, an old empty warehouse! No way this could be a trap!"
Brendan
They shave your head to strip your individuality. You grow out your ass hair to take it back.
FancyShark
"Where do we find your cruise ship?"
"You know where the dock is?"
"Yeah?"
"Fuckin' there."
Rachel
The empty warehouse is actually bayport's main commodity iirc
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Keeps you warm in the cult barracks come winter.
gellaho
"Weird we waited until we got to the ramshackle warehouse to talk about this"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"It's almost like they know we are coming!"
Badgerman
Man I wonder if the apocalypse cult has any hidden agendas for not accepting new members
gellaho
Everyone try what Frank is doing
FancyShark
🤔
Badgerman
To be fair I would be mad if I saw I had to deal with the Hardy Boys too
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Do you think its because we are well known in Bayport for investigating crimes and general vigilantism?"
FancyShark
"Or because women keep dying around us?"
Badgerman
It's like being surprised that the Joker doesn't want to deal with Batman
gellaho
It's a rumble! Exclamation points!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Or because we cause property damage wherever we go?"
Brendan
I grew up in real-life Bayport and I can absolutely confirm post-war interstate trucking demolished the local shipping industries.
That and the demise of whaling, but I'm a fan.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahahahahaha they actually did recognize them! Awesome.
gellaho
Remember to keep proper grammar during your street fights
FancyShark
"The fuzz"? Okay, I buy that it's 1980 now
gellaho
And what of the whom
Badgerman
Even after everything they've done the Hardies are cheifly defined by being Fenton's kids
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Congrats, cult. You have accomplished more than literally anyone else I've seen so far.
Brendan
Not enough time to onboard them before His Mighty Storm sweeps the land.
LyraV
I am quite the adequete pugilist myself Sir, let me remove my monocle.
FancyShark
Verily, I say, have at you
gellaho
Squirt, spray, who's to say
Rachel
Oh cool Brendan my island fished cod almost exclusively right up to the 1970s and then they nearly went extinct lol. same hat
FancyShark
Stop trying to make culties happen, writer
It's the same number of letters as cultists. You are solving nothing.
Badgerman
First the table of contents, Gertrude's devil food cake, and now squirting culties. This whole book is mad horny
FancyShark
wait, no, one letter shorter
fuck, fine
gellaho
Classic spray can things like mustard, "catsup," and shoe polish
godless juice jakesy
What is wrong with this author
Badgerman
An early clue to the true identity of the Noah, the Condiment King
FancyShark
This ice cream counter sucks
Rachel
it's not about shortening, it's about mocking
Another ignorant screed against another harmlss cult
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I.....kinda figured they would have a beating coming? How does being covered in mustard prevent them from solving crimes?
Brendan
:Waves hello in nautical flags:
gellaho
The final squirt is the unkindest squirt of all
FancyShark
It makes it sexy
Badgerman
Do - do we need to move this book to the swamp?
Rachel
so you want to worship satan, maybe make some sacrifices, whatever? Who's it hurting? ... besides the obvious
Rachel
god i hope so
Badgerman
The Hardy Boys do seem like one pump chumps come to think of it
gellaho
Why is Aunt Gertrude southern
Rachel
that would really help hold my interest
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank and Joe, squirt and skedaddle.
FancyShark
I watched a Seagal movie where "take a squirt" was used as slang for pissing, so this is really confusing me
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Gertrude.......I know you're operating with a 1980's persons idea of a 1950s womans brain but.......you know what they get up to.
gellaho
And back to the Apeman
FancyShark
"You boys look like you were out at a gang initiation. You want some cake?"
Rachel
wait how nasty
Badgerman
attacka you with an ape. killa and smasha you with a man
gellaho
"Overawe" is a new one
FancyShark
Not that kind!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean if someone told me The Incredible Hulk was gonna smash my house I dont think I'd take it that seriously even if someone was dressing up like the Hulk and breaking into houses.
Rachel
gosh darn you to heck or the swamp kind
oh
Badgerman
I mean, yeah, this is just the correct response to prank calls
gellaho
"I don't know why we kept answering"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
its the 1980s so "smash the house" isnt vernacular for anything dirty yet.
FancyShark
You can't defeat a woman with words, Frank. That's like pulling a knife on a samurai.
Badgerman
Life before caller ID was just a jungle of human madness
LyraV
One call was just a donkey braying repeatedly.
Rachel
controversial yet brave
gellaho
Sleekly togged
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The sixth was a tape of smooth jazz with wolf howls, but we thought that was a different caller.
Rachel
off to get the beards
Badgerman
Sleekly Togged could be an actual character name in this series and I wouldn't be at all fazed by now
FancyShark
Okay, new theory: this manuscript fell behind a desk or shelf and they found it thirty years later and published it
gellaho
I like this alternate universe Biff better, he has a sick van
FancyShark
Badgerman
It was sentenced to the Phantom Zone for being too horny for human consumption
Rachel
we've all been there am i right
Badgerman
Oh, so Joe is just the gimp.
Rachel
we've all been
FancyShark
Callie in a tiger outfit is officially new levels of horny
Badgerman
Tony Prito is a high schooler?!?!?
He owns a pizza parlor! What
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He's been held back, okay!
gellaho
Well, I guess I know what's going on in your imagination
FancyShark
What, you a cop?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
His hands are for making pizza, not doing geometry.
gellaho
Different universe
Badgerman
Oh my god, this has been a multiverse all along?
gellaho
For example, guess who didn't explode!
Badgerman
That explains... way more than it should
Rachel
right i forgot about the hardyverse
FancyShark
Look, she's tried everything conventional. She's tried getting almost murdered. She's tried doing nothing. All that's left is tiger-striped superhero outfits.
1000 Space GDCs
Wait, Chet has a sister?
I just got home from work
gellaho
Yeah, she got car bombed in the first Casefiles
She was Joe's girlfriend
FancyShark
She was the first victim of Joe's curse
gellaho
Then she got cloned in the fourth book
Badgerman
You know, for kids!
gellaho
And came back as a ghost in The book I'm currently making an audiobook for
FancyShark
And the fact that Chet is still friends with the Hardys after that is proof he is a saint
Rachel
actually tbh you might have been overhearing my thoughts so
FancyShark
Which you aren't getting nearly enough thanks for
1000 Space GDCs
Hey, he got a new sister, no harm, no foul
LyraV
What's some light sister exploding between friends amiright?
gellaho
These sound baffles get a lot of play, so I hope you know what a sound baffle is
FancyShark
I think it's something to block sound?
Badgerman
Biff was an MCU early adopter and refuses to admit most releases after Infinity War haven't been as good
Rachel
We've all
1000 Space GDCs
but if they reflect and amplify sound on the inside the acoustics are going to be terrible
gellaho
The Apeman does not appreciate the new hits of 1980
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lost 1980s technology, sound baffles. Keeping music on the dance floor and not making conversation everywhere else impossible!
FancyShark
Apeman senses death. So much death. All around the Hardys.
Badgerman
MAH GAWD IT'S MACHO MAN ENTERING AT #7 IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE
gellaho
There he is
FancyShark
OHH YEEEEEAAAAAHHHH
gellaho
NOT THE COLA!
1000 Space GDCs
Was biff in character when he said jumpin' jupiter?
gellaho
It's the second time the phrase has been uttered
FancyShark
Biff is ripped in half by an angry gorilla. Enjoy, kids!
Brendan
He looks like Alfred E. Neuman
1000 Space GDCs
Also he's described looking more like conan than an ape
Rachel
oh this is that recording artist ive been learning about
gellaho
Not the sound baffles!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Some of this dialogue is so Super Friendsy I cannot believe that its a coincidence.
FancyShark
He really baffled that sound
Badgerman
The baffled sound composing
Hardylleujah
gellaho
HARDY RAGE
Brendan
Miss Martian is a real DC character for the uninitiated.
She's named after my friend Meagan!
But she didn't exist back then.
gellaho
Sounds like they owe Franklin W Dixon some money
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
YEAH KICK AN APE MANS ASS JOE AND FRANK!
Rachel
damnit brendan weed high means your eyes can't dilate and contract as fast
FancyShark
Five seconds later, they are the Hardy Torsos
gellaho
Time to beat this caveman with some table legs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahah yeah curb stomp that dipshit!
LyraV
You too eh? I gave up on it and went back to balancing this pyramid on my head.
Badgerman
Stay back, girls, getting mob-ripped to shreds by an ape creature is Man's Work
FancyShark
Good thing the school is full of blunt instruments
1000 Space GDCs
This is the most one-sided fight the hardys are about to lose
Rachel
same except hornier obv
gellaho
I told you the baffles get a lot of play
FancyShark
And yes, I mean Joe
1000 Space GDCs
The sound baffles won't dampen the sound of their screams
Badgerman
I like how side characters are just jumping in to assist like this is Endgame or something
FancyShark
Chet is Captain Marvel in this
Rachel
oh god wait for the requisite women power scene
FancyShark
So many Callies
Rachel
oh i didn't realize that chet was sexy as all hell
gellaho
Interesting, Apeman is literate
Badgerman
It's gonna be so hype when Tony Prito activates instant kill mode
FancyShark
We've only been IMPLYING IT EVERY CHANCE WE GET
godless juice jakesy
The Lost Hardy
1000 Space GDCs
apeman is going to be so pissed that he dropped his most incriminating things
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Chet is what peak performance looks like.
FancyShark
Tony Prito uses Gun!
godless juice jakesy
ApeMan is Gertrude's bastard son that they locked up under the house
Calling it now
Rachel
i did mention i was pretty high
gellaho
Case closed
Badgerman
Ace detectives
FancyShark
Hey, I'll take any excuse to sing the song of Chet
Brendan
Well we know the killer's not a woman. They don't have pockets.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"So yeah lets comb thru all this bar floor debris, maybe we will find enough change for a soda!"
gellaho
The breathmints are going to crack this thing wide open
Rachel
sure, we've all simped before
1000 Space GDCs
Tony is going to whack apeman, just like he learned from Uncle Giuseppe.
Brendan
These are Hardys from like...universe 615
they respect their crime scene
FancyShark
"Looks like we've caught you...fresh handed"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahah that New York subway token.
Badgerman
The evidence bags they always carried with them, because they were broken inside on a fundamental level by the ravages of society
gellaho
Classic 80s
Rachel
even in blazers you cannot get an interior breast pocket, which is the best kind of pocket!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
spuuuuuuuuunk
1000 Space GDCs
you gotta go to the nightclub printed on the matches, that's how this works, guy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its so you all cant carry knives.
gellaho
Chet rage!
Rachel
and even if you put a cellphone in it it's almost invisible
LyraV
Yet still I manage.
Rachel
stop flirting with me
FancyShark
oh shit, that girl's going to get the biggest congratulations gift from him
Badgerman
Chet frequents r/saltierthancrait and sees no connection between that and his attitudes towards successful women
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is how you destroy the patriarchy, with knives and possibly homemade pockets.
Badgerman
You can concealed carry anything if you never get caught. True fact
Brendan
Now--to the SHOPPING MALL!
Rachel
just like fashion designers
gellaho
Chet has moved on to another terrible idea
godless juice jakesy
Going to turn him into ape gabagool
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
star wipe
Brendan
1980 cosplay party with a pixielike girl is practically sci-fi
This is the most futuristic novel I've ever read.
Badgerman
Chet would later find success under the pseudonym of "Rob Leifield"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean it worked for Jim Davis, I can't see why it wouldnt work for Chet.
gellaho
Later, the Apeman continues his assault on the Hardy compound
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
OH GOD NO! CHET BECAME OUR UNIVERSES SCOTT ADAMS! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Badgerman
Hahaha what kind of Halloween 2018 nonsense is this
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck this is the darkest timeline!
Rachel
Through the television??
gellaho
Chet would write some Marvel's Questprobes
Badgerman
Has Apeman been stalking Gertrude for like 40 years or something
FancyShark
"TAKE ME BACK, GERTRUDE!"
gellaho
Weird, Frank
Brendan
What world, where one such as CHET can be tainted??
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"APEMAN JUST WANT DATE!"
Brendan
This is the Injustice Hardys Patch
Badgerman
If your nut tries to climb in, maybe consider seeing a doctor
godless juice jakesy
Fuck I think my prediction is going to be correct
gellaho
As far as I know, Gertrude is just a moocher, so I don't know what instincts she has
godless juice jakesy
Gertrude is in on it
Stinks to high Heaven
Lol Amazing
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ape Man is Aunt Gertrudes partner in the coke trade.
FancyShark
Wild Man At The Disco would have been a much better book
Badgerman
Gertrude has got to be some kind of Manchurian Candidate handler. She's gonna ask Frank to get the cards out next
1000 Space GDCs
Apes! At the Disco
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
His real name is Jorge Rodriguez and he's an Argentinian drug smuggler.
1000 Space GDCs
Alfresco is the name of an Italian restaurant near me.
gellaho
Seems like the "Um, actually" trait is genetic
gellaho
godless juice jakesy
I CHIMED IN WITH A HAVENT YOU PEOPLE HEARD OF A SOUND BAFFLER
Rachel
thank god they usually dont reproduce
Badgerman
"Who gives a shit, mom" is the only acceptable answer here
FancyShark
Hell yes on the new name, @godless juice jakesy
gellaho
Maybe pick a better name, Micky
godless juice jakesy
Alfredo Disco might be the best name for anything I've ever heard
Badgerman
*comix boox
1000 Space GDCs
You a hardy boy? I don't care which
Rachel
"Doves are actually the same species as birds"
"Fuck off already, mom."
Brendan
"Perhaps you've read our series that only appeared in comic shops? It sold over 3000 copies."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Gertrude Hardy: Bible Detective.
gellaho
Just like how people talk
Brendan
Buzz Barton is such a Stan Lee innovation.
Rachel
I mean I prefer Mr. Balognese Club to each their own
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I guess it depends on how mad he was at his girlfriend when she broke up with him to join a cult."
FancyShark
Culties sounds more like a brand of snack
godless juice jakesy
I read it as "the cuties" every time
gellaho
Always fun to see the New York skyline
godless juice jakesy
It's the worst nickname
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh and they are still doing this cult shit, huh? And not following up on their Aunt being harassed by an ape man.
gellaho
They love little oranges
Rachel
They're the snack that bites back
Rachel
me too incidentally
FancyShark
I can't remember what this means
1000 Space GDCs
Frank hopes to find a sword shaped like the twin towers
godless juice jakesy
My god
Badgerman
The Hardies are forever doomed to warn of the tragedy of 9/11 but condemned to watch it unfold, like Mothman
godless juice jakesy
He's…forgotten
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I dont remember where I was when I first saw this either, its on the tip of my tongue..........
gellaho
"That's why I called you teens all the way to New York: to tell you to do something you were already doing"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
TWO CASES! TWO SUBPLOTS! TWICE THE HARDY ACTION!
godless juice jakesy
Star Comix has a scene with Johnny Sins in an hour, let's hurry this along
FancyShark
"Yeah! Dangerous on the dance floor! Fuck! Write that down! That's another good one!"
Badgerman
You can tell this manuscript was on the shelf for a bit because it still treats the disco as a place people wanted to go for entertainment
Rachel
oh no, this might be too complex for me
the sheer intricacy of the plot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And the speed of the pacing!
gellaho
Sweatiest man in the biz
LyraV
Why are so many people associated with Bigfoot and Apemen in a constant state of nervous excitement?
gellaho
Badgerman
meth. it's meth
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Aw my guy, blue is gonna show those sweat stains so much.
gellaho
Cocaine's a hell of a drug
Badgerman
Hamp
Huber
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
No fuck you, no one was ever named Hamp Huber.
No.
FancyShark
"Yeah, even I don't know what I was thinking" - The Author
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
That cannot be acceptable as the name of a human person, ghostwriter.
gellaho
Everyone in comics has ridiculous names, kid
LyraV
Hamp and his brother Frampt
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hamp is something I'd name a pet sidekick after i ran out of ideas like "Rex" or "Lucky"
FancyShark
Hamp is a placeholder name
Badgerman
Hamp Ster
gellaho
Federated Broadcasting System
FancyShark
Vern Kelso
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Federated"?
godless juice jakesy
Lol these names are dogshit
Badgerman
Vern Kelso at least sounds believable in a pulp detective sort of way
"Federated" is just bad
FancyShark
I hope the author agonized over each one
Badgerman
Do these schmucks live in the Federation from Starship Troopers or something, the fuck
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Would you Hardy Boys like to know more?"
gellaho
Gnomelike, fellows
gellaho
You better be keeping count
Rachel
"we're willing to give you the hardy brand"
"Get the fuck out of my office, kid"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Tee hee hee, before I answer thee, I must ask of ye, these riddles three!"
FancyShark
I think we're at five?
gellaho
Capitalizing son, why not
FancyShark
"I'm not Joe Son, sir"
Badgerman
What the fuck is this branching plot CRPG quest bullshit
gellaho
I'm pretty sure Gil killed Frome
gellaho
Brendan
Is this one of Steven Grant's? I thought he wrote his books later.
gellaho
Onto the body-building enthusiasts
FancyShark
"He also said 'Oh god, he's killing me! Help! Help!'. Very weird guy."
gellaho
FancyShark
If this book has Big Lenny, it will all be worth it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Well what he said was "Fuck that asshole Rudd, he's the kind of son of a bitch who'd sell his own mother to a brothel, except he could get more money pimping her himself.", but i cant say that in front of fine upstanding youths."
Badgerman
I am getting the feeling of pahmping in tha Hardy Bois books, ngyaaah
gellaho
Rollo
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
hahahah liniment.
FancyShark
All day long, I am solving mysteries and cumming
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nobody has used that word in a modern context in ages, what the fuck, liniment?!
1000 Space GDCs
That's a weird euphemism for cum.
gellaho
Zack Amboy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Here, smear this "liniment" on your muscles, Harry!"
godless juice jakesy
Haha Dixon is fucking with us now
Brendan
Rollo Eckert, Austrian superman
Badgerman
I'm Zack! Amboy. I- I am Am. Boy? I, Zack, Amboy. Yes.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Presently Amboy" would be an alright name for a Puritan tho.
gellaho
Burn
godless juice jakesy
Glass houses, Frank and Joe
FancyShark
"Especially when they told him and he said thanks"
1000 Space GDCs
If he keeps pumping hell eventually become Zack Amman
gellaho
Frank gets a phone call
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
So Joe and Frank immediately adapt to become the Arnolds of this gym I see.
Badgerman
When unobserved Joe immediately goes limp as a ragdoll
The reverse "Andy's coming!"
gellaho
Perfect time to give Joe an Indian burn
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is common when you detach the camera in some games, the engine reduces physics on non observed objects to save processing power.
gellaho
Conk!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I'm not sure what non fatally ambushing Joe accomplishes.
But whatever.
FancyShark
The blood is pooling on Joe's brain, but he says he's fine
LyraV
This all feels like he's talking about something else entirely.
1000 Space GDCs
It's unusual for Joe to get head trauma off screen
godless juice jakesy
This checks out, traumatic brain injuries weren't invented yet
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joes had so many brain injuries his thinkmeat is mostly scar tissue at this point.
It forms a thick cushion.
gellaho
Fenton operates a spy network in this continuity, I guess
gellaho
Badgerman
Joe's MRI scans look something like this, I assume
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fenton is secretly Vampire J Edgar Hoover confirmed.
gellaho
Bologna!
Rachel
it's pretty good fried on a piece of toast
Brendan
This HAS to be Grant.
gellaho
That is the totality of information they get from Hamp
Brendan
This is like based on talking to Gil Kane about Victor Fox or Bob Kane, no relation.
godless juice jakesy
You gotta go to Amboy for the full story
gellaho
Oh, come on. Tell me what Buzz's hair color is
gellaho
I have my suspicions
godless juice jakesy
Every path takes us closer to the insurance money
FancyShark
IT'S ALWAYS THE-
oh, we did that already
Badgerman
Christ, I forgot there were culties in this one
Brendan
IT'S ALWAYS THE 🍨
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh god they are still doing this cult shit and not more SECRET OF THE APE MAN!
godless juice jakesy
Get ready for it at the end, you know it's coming
gellaho
Oh, Buzz is getting brainwashed immediately
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The secret of the ape man better be he is the leader of another, entirely separate cult.
godless juice jakesy
If any of those mandarin oranges give you trouble, let us know
FancyShark
They knew Buzz wouldn't take more than a standard 15 minute break
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Frank. Culties isnt a thing, stop trying to make it happen. I know you and Joe are real into it, but it just sucks."
gellaho
Chet with all his creative juices flowing
Badgerman
Pretty sure this is just how Flex Mentallo started, actually
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
When you are as large and handsome as Chet your juices need more time to circulate, give him time.
gellaho
They have their own boat in this one
godless juice jakesy
The Sleuth
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The Hardycraft.
FancyShark
These dipshits are going full Batman
Badgerman
The Sleuth
1000 Space GDCs
To the Hardyboat!
godless juice jakesy
You come up with Gil Rollow and Zack Amboy and the fuckin Sleuth is the best you can do
Badgerman
Fuck off
At least call it the Sleuth Sloop, or something
gellaho
Who could have foreseen Buzz giving up the ghost
Brendan
You're missing the point. It's the S.S. Sleuth
SSS
SNAKES
who led ape men out of the garden?
FancyShark
AAGGGHH! SNAKES!
Brendan
LUCIFER
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahahha of course it was a trap, you goobers.
godless juice jakesy
My god
LyraV
Wow you can tell that from over there Frank? Leave Sue alone you creep.
FancyShark
Duuuuuuuude
Brendan
THE FLOOD
was CAUSED
by GOD
gellaho
Alright, the presently thing is really starting to wear on me
Brendan
WE ARE CHILDREN OF A BANISHED KING
Badgerman
And now he's going to move to San Fran and battle for the soul of all reality! AIIEEEEEE!!
1000 Space GDCs
What makes a climbing rig a detective climbing rig?
FancyShark
The hat
Brendan
I worked on boats for four years and I could not tell you what third mate's stripes look like.
Badgerman
It's like a Bat-climbing rig
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lmao I love that the captain and third mate arent wearing the cult getup, meaning they are probably just random employees that came with the boat.
FancyShark
Cultie Youths is definitely a slur
gellaho
Time for some diving
FancyShark
It's a party boat the cult keeps renting
gellaho
Wheeeeeeeeeee
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Like when those Libertarian dinguses tried to make a cruise ship a floating city and found they needed an actual professional captain to do anything legally.
Badgerman
Goof thing the Hardies know how to swim!
LyraV
While Presently Fellows sounds like a terrible boy band.
gellaho
Well, that was a successful adventure
Badgerman
They went through a couple rough drafts before they settled on "weezer"
Badgerman
I can't believe I called that the twist was "they knew how to swim and were fine"
1000 Space GDCs
Kersplash just doesn't land as a sound effect.
Badgerman
Wait hahahaha the Sleuth is a pathetic little plastic rowboat. Fucking losers
gellaho
Get me the president!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"kersplash!"..........fuck you writer. A five year old says kersplash, get some better onomatopoeia. you fuck.
1000 Space GDCs
Wait, their "speedy" craft is a rowboat?
godless juice jakesy
Kersplash has a 2.15 career ERA and is second in the league in playoff strikeouts
Badgerman
What kind of plastic rowboat has a "powerful transciever" on it
FancyShark
They're floating in the box their radio came in
1000 Space GDCs
And Fenton is a famous manhunter now?
gellaho
It's not, they rowed from the speedboat. The plastic thing is weird
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"powerful transceiver" means they have a walkie talkie and their dad is on the shore.
1000 Space GDCs
Like a bounty hunter?
Badgerman
The Hardylorian
gellaho
This has escalated
FancyShark
Most cults only dream of this level of attention
Badgerman
Uhhh were these guys Dagon worshippers and the FBI just needed an excuse to move in?
1000 Space GDCs
Fenton has authorized a drone strike on the ark.
godless juice jakesy
When it's just some bitch who goes missing, call in the Hardy's. But when the Hardy's go missing, we need the full force of the US military, baby
gellaho
Don't give me that bilge!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"OH SHIT ITS THE TREASURY AGENTS! QUICK! 23 SKIDDOO!"
gellaho
Certainly worked out well for the Branch Dividian
1000 Space GDCs
Fenton plans on shipping the culties to the CIA black site he's somehow in charge of.
Badgerman
"This is the twentieth century"
"Don't give me that bilge"
Pick one.
FancyShark
"The expression of fears unsounded our peace"
godless juice jakesy
Hahahaha they're not even there for the missing girl!
Brendan
Nah it's still called bilge
godless juice jakesy
It was when the boy went missing!
Amazing
Brendan
Ships keep their own lingo.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Captain who now? I dont.........read books.........I do boat stuff. Like technical manuals."
Brendan
You call it the bathroom you're gonna get razzed. It's the head.
Badgerman
They're like micronations
1000 Space GDCs
This captain is intimately familiar with admiralty law.
gellaho
And Buzz seemed so strong willed
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also they HAD a boat and the are in a fucking BAY, so its not like hucking them overboard is a federal crime.
Let he who has not yeeted a Hardy into water cast the first stone.
FancyShark
"Noah cultie" is something an infant babbles out, you hack
gellaho
She went there of her own free will, so hard to do anything about that.
godless juice jakesy
I don't know, if they can save private Ryan they can save her
Badgerman
if this were a Yakuza game Joe and Frank would have already super smokin' combo-styled this entire boat into unconsciousness and rescued what's her name
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Buzz trying to signal the boys with his eyes "Help, I am under duress, try again to rescue me and sue" and Joe and Frank are getting "Bring hotdogs."
gellaho
Chet has had a very busy day
FancyShark
And then learn it was a cult
Badgerman
Chet. Buddy. Read the freaking room
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man this made me think of how similar Yakuza games are to a Hardy Boys book and it was just.......🤯
Badgerman
Oh shit, now I'm thinking about it too
gellaho
The name parade continues
FancyShark
I'm still convinced Chet is trying to get two fussy children to calm down, stop pretending to fight a cult, and do some drawings with him at the kitchen table
1000 Space GDCs
This ghost writer must be British.
Badgerman
Olaf O. Olafsen
FancyShark
Majima and Kiryu would make these stories so much better
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah no dont like follow up on the previous thread, I'm sure Buzz isnt being tortured and brainwashed right now so he can be ritually married to a goat.
gellaho
Dante Mazzola over here
FancyShark
FINALLY
A name that whips
godless juice jakesy
I'll be seeing him at the disco later
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Itzza mea! Dante Mazzola witha your pizza pie!"
gellaho
Aunt Gertrude has entered the spy game
gellaho
Badgerman
Meanwhile Buzz is being hollowed out to be a good vessel for Lord Paimon
1000 Space GDCs
Frank immediately blows G's cover
FancyShark
"We're going to tie a string around your soul and the other end around the doorknob and slam it shut. You won't feel a thing."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
My brain just started yelling at me in a House of the Dead 2 voice "SUFFER LIKE G DID?"
And Frank really doesnt understand how code names work. Just let your aunt have some fun Frank.
gellaho
Sue out in New York delivering cult packages
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh so Sam couldnt do investigation because hes too old, huh Fenton?
FancyShark
"Of the taxi? Okay"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
But look who did the thing?
gellaho
These cultists cannot hold on to these amulets
godless juice jakesy
Just carrying around piles of amulets
Badgerman
Oh shit, this really is where Brockway got his Wikiwhy amulet
FancyShark
The amulet of Noah!
Just like in the bible!
gellaho
I see no red flags
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is one of those times where I suspect the cult leader is going to tear off his hood and say "Hahaha boys, I got you good this time. Next time you'll be ready for your old dad to be a cult leader and feed your enemies information on your investigations, wont you?"
Badgerman
No it's not, shut up
Noah Norvel is not his real name
gellaho
Meanwhile: Chet's about to get his "idea" stolen
Badgerman
How dare you try to pass off these Doctor Pibbs of names as the genuine article
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Okay but brainwashing people is fine because they're legal adults? I mean I dont think the FBI can really do anything about that?
FancyShark
"Hey there, Norvel Reddenbacher"
"YOU SHUT UP! I'LL BE BIG AND IMPORTANT SOME DAY! AND THEN YOU'LL SEE!"
1000 Space GDCs
Chet doesn't realize Micky just wanted to make fun of his art.
FancyShark
Micky needed toilet paper
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hahahha look at this shit this fat kid showed me, I think he thought those two asshole "detectives" are my friends?"
gellaho
The go to bother the daughter Frome
Badgerman
Frome gnome go home
FancyShark
Robbers normally love punch bowls
1000 Space GDCs
Are they at a point in time where VCR wasn't a commonly known acronym?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Detective instinct" = ask a normal question when someone tells you how they were burglarized.
gellaho
Then: more muscle men
Badgerman
Again with the beetling brows!
FancyShark
Big Bad Beetling Brows
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"It's me, Vic Cardiff. Oim from ol Blighty!"
gellaho
Sporty car
Badgerman
Sporty. Not a sports car, per se, but still a little fun
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fenton and Gertrude are in the drug trade together.
It's how they can afford a "sporty car" on his salary.
1000 Space GDCs
Wait he thinks Fenton is a private eye? He has the ear of the president apparently.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its why Gertrude knows to not use names over the phone.
gellaho
They send Chet to stake out Noah's mansion, and he sees a g-g-ghost
gellaho
Uh oh
Badgerman
It's just a Klansman, Chet. Get a grip
FancyShark
THEY TOOK CHET!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Chet your fat eyes are so fat and dumb. Obviously it was someone WEARING white."
And after they said that, Chet said "You know what? Fuck these two, I'll walk home."
FancyShark
Luckily, Chet's so fat they couldn't have gotten far
1000 Space GDCs
Why would you describe anyone as roly poly.
gellaho
Pucker those foreheads
Badgerman
He did what? Frank did fucking what??
LyraV
He did WHAT to his forehead?
scooped lol
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wait........what? Frank........this is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard anyone say about tresspassing.
FancyShark
Because people notoriously walk closer to ghosts when they see them
1000 Space GDCs
Frank has muscle groups no human has.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank.......do you think you can just abduct someone if they set foot on your yard? Or are you positing that the cult thinks that?
gellaho
I'm not sure what I expected of Noah, but this weren't it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank...........what is that freezer in the garage for?
Gold satin jumpsuit.
Okay yeah fair dues, this is a cult leader.
Badgerman
Did David Carradine raid Supreme Leader Snoke's wardrobe?
gellaho
Malicious twinkle
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lol you have fucked up now Noah.
gellaho
Alright, so Chet is a fifty year old man
Badgerman
Thank you for specifying that the fat guy's discomfort came from being bound in a stress position, author. I'd never have guessed
FancyShark
"And how he impregnated my seven redheaded supermodel daughters in the time it took you two to arrive?"
Brendan
S-sissyneck?
Badgerman
Pretty sure Noah escaped from the set of Running Man
gellaho
The face of youth
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahhaha that picture managed to make Chet look like someone got told "Sammo Hung, but white and a little fatter."
FancyShark
Look at that fat piece of shit
Badgerman
He looks like even at this very moment he's smuggling Rolos in his cheek folds
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Like if he ate a whole box of deep fried Twinkies for each meal for a month."
FancyShark
He's Jerry Orbach in a wig!
Badgerman
They had to rename the Elvis sandwich the Chet sandwich after he was done with them
1000 Space GDCs
Chet's got a wicked five o'clock shadow.
gellaho
Impudent is one of those words only fictional evil people use
FancyShark
And cauliflower ear
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
If I ever am cooking in a restaurant, and someone asks for a "Chet" I will give them two fried twinkies on a sliced donut, drizzled in strawberry jam and sprinkled with rollos.
FancyShark
Garnished with a hug
gellaho
Noah talking like a sultan now
LyraV
That sounds delicious if I'm being honest.
Badgerman
Remember when all of this was about the Apeman's Secret?
FancyShark
Nope
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Right?
gellaho
Aunt Gertrude has all the personalities
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also I love that the cult leader is literally telling them "Fuck off my property or I will call the cops." more or less.
NOOOOO NOT THE COMIC ART MUSEUM!
Its the only museum worth visiting anymore!
gellaho
Boy, that's quite a sentence
Badgerman
Yeah now that you put it like that it is pretty strange
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wait........you had a comic museum and you DIDNT KNOW ABOUT IT?!
Fuck the both of you, Joe and Frank.
Badgerman
Too busy solving crimes to read comix
gellaho
Aunt Gertrude out here with 18 distinct personalities
FancyShark
Gertrude is an anagram for Legion
Badgerman
Sure thing, Aunt G, let's get you to bed
Juho
That sentence was a grammatical three-lane pile-up.
LyraV
That happened to me after the Dark Phoenix Saga.
gellaho
Say it slow
Badgerman
I'm gonna make you some warm tea and turn off Fox News now, okay, Gertrude?
1000 Space GDCs
Miss Hardy has been reading Frederick Wertham.
FancyShark
awwwwww yeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhh
gellaho
Director Gerald Tappan
Juho
I bet Chet goes commando.
Badgerman
Tappen dat ass lmao gottem
Juho
Tappan dat... Damnit.
gellaho
Some kind of fist or stick-like device
FancyShark
Like a fick or a stist
gellaho
All roads lead to Frome
Juho
It was either blunt or penetrating trauma, who can tell.
Badgerman
Probably wouldn't break Tappan's heart if you did both at the same time
Juho
Faked his own death for the insurance money.
gellaho
Ah, six years ago. Wish I knew what that meant
gellaho
Badgerman
One whole year, six years ago
One of those "one fine day, in the middle of the night" sorts of things I reckon
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ghost writer: "Six years ago is how you respond to the question "What date?" right?"
FancyShark
IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY
Badgerman
Good move by the ghost writer to really make this book timeless
Juho
The only variable is how stupidly obvious the insurance scheme is.
1000 Space GDCs
That is some meticulously organized artwork.
gellaho
Kind of seems like treason would be the bigger crime than vandalism and a girl joi a cult, but that's just me
Juho
Well hey, it's good enough for YouTube.
Badgerman
The Hardy Boys investigate Mar a Lago in "The Apeman's Secret"!
Juho
Scrambling and encrypting a signal, that's the same thing, right? Edit: almost.
Brendan
Noah really took this cult from Jonestown to COBRA fast
gellaho
Sure, throw forgery on there too
FancyShark
TREASON?! Omigodomigod, please tell me Chet's comic is okay!
godless juice jakesy
Other various arts
Badgerman
No author for Hardy Boys has ever fucking understood the concept of "stakes"
godless juice jakesy
Sundry relics
1000 Space GDCs
Fenton learned all this while pulling a suspect's fingernails off.
Brendan
Treason's barely a crime.
Ollie North treasoned and he got a Fox show.
Badgerman
This is like the cops on Cop Rock arresting someone for "slavery"
Like, fucking what?
FancyShark
Miscellaneous artifacts
gellaho
Buzz has decided to come back, but, oh no, the boat!
Badgerman
NOT THE SLEUTH
gellaho
Maaaaaaaaaaaan
Badgerman
BELOVED BOAT, NO
FancyShark
"Sweaty Checking" is a bank-themed porno for sure
godless juice jakesy
Can't wait until they get their next boat, Sleuth 2
Badgerman
This book would fuck so hard if they'd just named the boat The Slooper Sleuth
Juho
Wait, it didn't explode? Boo!
godless juice jakesy
No computers on board
Badgerman
The sad part is you just know Nancy Drew would have blown this case wide open by now
FancyShark
Those wouldn't be invented for another 20 years. Or days. I'm still not clear on the time
gellaho
Remarkably, somebody remembered what Tony Prito's boat was called thirteen years later. And used it for a throwaway line in The Dead of Night
Badgerman
Tony, you're like fourth generation. Settle down
FancyShark
Does that mean Dead of Night was written by a Hardy Boys fan? Because that makes it even stupider
Juho
Ehh, anything for you-a bambino 'tectives!
gellaho
Get dunked on
FancyShark
Tony, you're from Detroit
Badgerman
Imagine if he'd landed in the boat and died on impact
gellaho
Considering they get very basic details about the plot within that book wrong? Yes
1000 Space GDCs
Does everyone have a boat for the purposes of this book?
FancyShark
It's been Waterworld the whole time
gellaho
Alright, getting hypnotic drugs involved
godless juice jakesy
This is the 50s or the 80s, everyone is rich off world war 2 or Gordon gekko shit
Badgerman
Fucking finally, we get to the drugs
FancyShark
Kids! Find your own secret Hardy decoder ring in every specially marked box of Culties!
Brendan
OH because I'm ITALIAN I just happen to have a transatlantic BOAT? Ey just kiddin' I'll take yiz out no problem.
Badgerman
Imagine if all the boats were wrecked and they had to build their own raft and Kon Tiki out after the Ark
1000 Space GDCs
Tony's uncle Luigi uses the boat when someone needs to sleep with the fishes.
gellaho
Cara-vajjo
Brendan
Chet was fine because he was huskoyant.
godless juice jakesy
Anyway, Tony Prito is going to hook you up with his cousin Vincenzo Mozzarel
Juho
Now Kon-Tiki started playing in my head.
gellaho
🇮🇹
Brendan
EYYYYY
FancyShark
And their good friend, Papa Mazzola Antipesto
Badgerman
We really needed an Italian person to tell us an Italian word was involved?
Brendan
I fricking knew Tony was going to pipe up with that.
We got dis ting, dis ting of ours
gellaho
Time to go to another museum!
FancyShark
Tony, seriously. You have a "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" shirt
Badgerman
WHERE IS THE APEMAN
WHERE ARE YOU KEEPING HIM
gellaho
Michelangelo da Italiano
Ramb$ne Gracie
we call dis, a da spagheddi soup 🍜
godless juice jakesy
He's at the other cousins house, Silvio Mscusi
FancyShark
This art curator sounds like a sex machine
Juho
"It's a language only 60 million Italians people speaks, and some million Swiss, but that's it. Only if you know your calzone from your mozzarell will you know Italian surnames, such as that of one of the most celebrated painters ever. Lasagna"
gellaho
Joe then finds the painting in the houseboat
FancyShark
Tony pipes up. "Girl with Flower Basket is what we call a painting. Eh, fuggedaboudit."
godless juice jakesy
He found it in the houseboat of famed crime boss Venice Rigatoni
gellaho
Joe's a great lawyer
Ramb$ne Gracie
oh i heard he's cousins with the Borodinis
FancyShark
Who sleeps with the fishes after crossing Vinny Johnson, the Half-Italian
Badgerman
Sovcit Joe
Juho
ngl, the idea of storing a Caravaggio on a house boat disturbs me.
Ramb$ne Gracie
yeah nonfiction is harrowing
gellaho
Dude just lets them leave
Probably because the police might notice the giant stolen painting
FancyShark
Joe then hits the agent with a statue until he stops moving and says "you did it"
godless juice jakesy
Yeah you gotta age it in a cave for 3 years before you can shave it on some spaghett
gellaho
His father's "legitimate business"
Juho
"We didn't do a B&E, just trespassing! That's a lesser crime!"
Badgerman
"Pouring foundations" is absolutely a euphemism
Brendan
Dis heah's a paintin' a pizza an' skateboards an' ninjas. Id'z woit' ten million turtleshells
Wait are we still doing a deprecated racism?
FancyShark
Jesus, Tony. You could solve a lot of these problems by calling in some favors
Rachel
Always, Brendan. Always.
gellaho
Oh, thank Christ. ☑️ Redhead
FancyShark
YES
Juho
It's obviously a no-show job.
FancyShark
"For example, there are no Italian paintings by McCoy"
Badgerman
Are we ever going to learn the fucking Apeman's secret
godless juice jakesy
Señor Hacker
Badgerman
I was promised an Apeman and a secret
1000 Space GDCs
McCoy is a very traditional Italian name.
Brendan
We can't end until one shows up.
Rachel
Damn it Jim, it's-a-me!
1000 Space GDCs
Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor, not an art authenticator.
Juho
Caravaggio's mother came from the Naples McCoys.
gellaho
They send in Biff to pretend to be a new recruit. It goes well
godless juice jakesy
I love that they keep just feeding gullible narc children to the cult
Badgerman
Man, anything to avoid putting themselves in actual danger I guess
Ramb$ne Gracie
time to get husky
FancyShark
Biff's barely had an hour of sleep after being deprogrammed, so he's a perfect choice
gellaho
And they are delighted they got their friend arrested
Rachel
does biff show up in every book? why does biff show up anywhere?
Badgerman
Biff got caught in a police sting, making him tonight's biggest loser
FancyShark
hahahaha, he's gonna get shanked. We're such pranksters!
Ramb$ne Gracie
he's too busy skateboarding into city hall
godless juice jakesy
Eh this is the 50s, who hasn't spend some time in the hoosegow
gellaho
That gets illustrated for some reason
godless juice jakesy
Or I guess it could be the 80s, who hasn't spent some time in the joint?
Badgerman
Yeah, sure, that's what a houseboat looks like I guess
gellaho
Biff's the bald one FYI. All the Hardy's friends are secretly old men
FancyShark
House + boat = houseboat
Brendan
Sometimes I suspect these illustrations came from the senior class of the local HS
Badgerman
Ghost illustrated by Chet
Rachel
the boat says northwest, but the characters and poses suggest florida
Juho
I wouldn't want portholes on the lower deck either.
gellaho
Or not arrested
gellaho
Heaven forbid a thing happen
FancyShark
Wow. So fuck you, audience, I guess
Ramb$ne Gracie
the secret is that the apeman painted it
FancyShark
Sam Radley and Mr. Hacker is a song by Dave Matthews, isn't it?
gellaho
The painting on the boat was the forgery btw
Ramb$ne Gracie
see the apeman painted it
Badgerman
Oh sure, naturally
Rachel
white boys not arrested, news at 10
gellaho
Back to one of the thirty plots
Badgerman
Chet is getting to be as bad as Justin
FancyShark
"And they said to never contact them again!"
godless juice jakesy
He sloppily waddled over as his voice plopped
Rachel
I forgot that every character had such terrible names
gellaho
Well, now you've upset Leslie
1000 Space GDCs
This ghost writer is just relentless on chet.
Juho
"We gave up already" is exactly how much anyone cares about Chet's bullshit.
FancyShark
Heaving and wheezing, his lungs sounding like wet balloons stuffed with peanuts
Brendan
I'm not saying I can do better, I'm just saying Star Comix would never buy this art.
Badgerman
I like how they held off on the Chet reveal as if any other fat people exist in this story
godless juice jakesy
Definitely caught his mom fucking Jackie Gleason
Juho
Mrs. Hershel said her 9th grade art project showed maturity beyond her years.
gellaho
1980 everyone
godless juice jakesy
Lol
Brendan
Who is that boy? That BEAUTIFUL, BOUNCING BOY!
Rachel
Damn it, @Brendan! She had to do this with her feet, you know!
godless juice jakesy
Ok so it's 50s or 1880s, got it
Rachel
I mean, i assume
Considering
Brendan
This is the lamest Biff.
FancyShark
They biffed this Biff
Badgerman
"Milkman's helper"
They really had fucking nothing to do back then huh
FancyShark
It was help the milkman or die in Korea. I mean, Vietnam
1000 Space GDCs
Milkman's helper is who gets called when a lonely housewife wants to get spit roasted.
Brendan
I have never in my life seen a milkman, and again, I grew up in real-life Bayport and worked at a dairy a half mile up the road.
gellaho
Fromed
Juho
What the hell does a guy whose job consists of "put milk in car, drive, milk out of car, repeat" need an assistant for?
FancyShark
Locks
1000 Space GDCs
Spitroasts
godless juice jakesy
You mean Zach Tyler's war in Mexico
Badgerman
So all this hullabaloo over a forged animation cel?
Brendan
It's amazing Mexico talks to us.
We are the worst neighbor.
Just the WORST neighbor.
gellaho
Who loves logistics!
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
FancyShark
They're looking at photographic proof of Bigfoot and thinking it's a comic book
godless juice jakesy
Lol yeah just call up the charter flight at midnight
Badgerman
Author I'm fucking dying here
Just tell us the apemans secret already for pity's sake
Juho
Yeah but you've bailed them out from defaulting on their debt quite a few times.
godless juice jakesy
He's going to be flying the plane
Juho
So, I guess it's an abusive depency.
gellaho
gasp
FancyShark
It's Aunt Gertrude
Badgerman
The villain was Greg Land all along!
FancyShark
Aunt Gertrude is the Apeman
gellaho
They get a call from the sweaty editor who got an anonymous tip about where the Apeman is hiding
Badgerman
Trace the trace, trace the inks, ink the trace, ink the inks. Perfectly logical
gellaho
It's a cave
Juho
It was those dastardly Brits, The Kinks!
Badgerman
JUST LIKE THE PICTURE
Juho
Taunting us in song...
Badgerman
THE INKS OF PROPHECY
1000 Space GDCs
I'm surprised they didn't call the flashlight a torch.
gellaho
They decide to throw things at the Apeman
godless juice jakesy
Unfortunately all they can see in the cave are shadows, for they are chained facing the wall
Wait did the rocks explode
FancyShark
Our heroes are throwing rocks and debris at a homeless man
1000 Space GDCs
Never provoke a drunk ape man you fools
gellaho
Twas Amboy
Badgerman
Aw god, it's gonna be that the actor was filming the tv show in costume got bonked on the head and thought he was the real Apeman
Brendan
ALFRED E NEUMAN
Brendan
Zack is MAD's mascot, confirmed.
Gallopin' grasshoppers!
gellaho
He seems of sound mind
Badgerman
Never mind. It was even dumber than this
FancyShark
"You've killed a lot of people, Amboy. And started a cult? I'm not sure. The writer sucks."
1000 Space GDCs
I'll be a monkey's uncle is a thing you definitely say when you regain consciousness in a cave.
gellaho
Or maybe the cult with the hypnotic injections?
gellaho
Eh, they'll get there eventually
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man I had to fix my glasses and I think I missed more than is good for following the plot in a normal book.
Brendan
I left for dinner, and it was like I missed nothing.
Just high seas tomfoolery.
Rachel
I'll be a monkey's uncle. Monkey's uncle. Monkey's uncle. Monkey's uncle..
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah this is standard Hardy's Bumblefucking Around in A Cave scenario.
gellaho
Rollo!
godless juice jakesy
Yeah this whole book could have been an email
gellaho
Apeman gets around
Brendan
Ambling Apemen!
Badgerman
Amboy the Amazin' Amblin' Apeman
FancyShark
Meanwhile, Chet is waterboarding every comic artist who tells him his work needs improvement
gellaho
Cavemen love chloroform
gellaho
This investigation is going great
1000 Space GDCs
I love chloroform as a narrative device.
FancyShark
For god's sake, writer, culties are a delicious treat loved by kids AND adults. Stop trying to make this happen
Badgerman
How fortunate for Noah that Apemen are notoriously bad a tying knots
gellaho
Kayoed
Brendan
The name's Liefeld. CHET Liefeld.
Rachel
man the neurology business must be booming in bayside
Badgerman
Jesus, Apeman fucking Arkham Asylumed all those culties
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Certainly not helmet sales.
Badgerman
Using all his fancy Apegadgets
Brendan
The real novel is in someone playing Ten Little Agathas with Blackwater mercs BONK BONK BONK
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
D'you think Apeman has Detective Vision?
gellaho
How dare you try to take that girl from my clutches!
Badgerman
He mostly just hunts by sight and smashes anything that moves
FancyShark
Heyyyy! They remembered her!
Rachel
nope, thank god the libertarians fought for freedom from helmet safety laws
Brendan
"Officer, these perverts tried to steal my barely legal sex cultist"
Badgerman
"You're trying to kidnap what I rightfully stole!"
FancyShark
"We're terribly sorry, Mr. Seagal"
Rachel
if i had a dollar for every time i heard that exact phrase id be rich
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"It's NOT FAIR!" he screamed as he flipped his cape.
Brendan
In Connecticut we passed a helmet law and then motorcyclists got it REPEALED on the grounds that it was worse to live with injuries than one good deathbonk.
It was actually a topic of some discussion before you arrived.
FancyShark
At least you've always got fresh organ donations
1000 Space GDCs
These so called detectives are trying to rescue the girl I'm legitimately trafficking!
Brendan
They do a rally every year to celebrate helmetlessness, and yes, I do believe people have died doing it.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean fair, I'd rather die peacefully than live with the medical debt.
gellaho
They go to Rollo's rented cottage near Bayport (gasp). He's rolling in dough apparently
FancyShark
"Piecefully"
Brendan
There was a sweet spot briefly where we had future medtech AND health coverage.
Rachel
er, yknow, cause of my criminal law experience
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah of course. And nothing else.
Badgerman
Buddy, if you think a limo is gonna be fine on a beach, I got news for you
Rachel
Well i guess they can't consider themselves pro-life
FancyShark
Rollo saw a cult cruise and thought "That would be a perfect cover to kidnap a woman"
gellaho
Twist
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
That limo is gonna stay on that beach forever more than likely. Terrible traction in sand.
FancyShark
This dude fucking walks
gellaho
Gottem
Rachel
academically fascinating and existentially terrifying, thank you
Badgerman
Oh so now B&E is okay
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"HE's GOT SIX LEGS UNDER THERE! HES A CRAB MAN! GIT EM!"
Rachel
America's consistent love of horrible evil is the one constant in my life
Brendan
Inside America are two wolves. And we will skin them both to protect our cattle.
gellaho
Alright, none of that
Rachel
oh man all that mass on those tiny tires? It would be buried
FancyShark
I'll never understand how rubber masks work like the most expensive prosthetics when they're little more than plastic bags without warning labels
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's gonna become a home for beach foxes or what have you.
Rachel
Im sorry i know there's good in america
There's the Hardy's
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
We keep it in the back next to the pickled hogs feet.
gellaho
Not in the Cage
LyraV
Beach Foxes! Hooray!
Badgerman
Have we ever met Rollo before or is this our first time
gellaho
Triple gasp
Brendan
They're actually called the Carl's Jr. Brothers in most of the south.
FancyShark
This is not the time for edging, Joe
gellaho
There is a picture of this, and it is fantastic
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its ALWAYS time for edging.
Rachel
That's what carl's jr. is?!
FancyShark
Vern Kelso. I should have known.
Rachel
This is like i found out eb is gamestop
Badgerman
Haha what the fuck? Vern was just here the whole time?
FancyShark
It's true!
gellaho
Bet you didn't think there'd be this much Joe ass
Badgerman
My god
Rachel
didn't dare dream
Badgerman
Well, we know where all that Devil's food cake went
FancyShark
Ah yes, the pioneer school marm outfits of the 1980s
1000 Space GDCs
Usually that angle is reserved for Catwoman.
gellaho
She was living with a weird cult, so it kind of makes sense
Rachel
is that the original james bond behind her
FancyShark
ooo, right
Rachel
We've all been there too.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh god lets hope not.
FancyShark
Let's hope Vern is carrying Chet's comic, too. The fat will slow him down.
gellaho
Gave vent to his emotion
Badgerman
And Mickey Rudd was inside!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"ART DISTRACTION TECHNIQUE!"
It's less economical than pocket sand but gets the job done.
gellaho
Leapin' Lizards
Rachel
I forgot they have a kelso
Brendan
Leapin' lizard grasshopper apemen!
FancyShark
They were astonished to find him carrying the only possible thing he would be carrying in the folder
Rachel
Better tell fez about what happened with hyde, yeesh
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Holy shit Apeman is ........ like one of any number of characters in real life comics!
gellaho
I think he was already illustrating children's books. Zing!
FancyShark
BOOM
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean.......he failed to protect his copyright, you were in the clear, my guy.
What a pointless crime.
FancyShark
Nope. Cults and apes.
Only way.
LyraV
Leaping Jupiter Lizards Fellows
Rachel
Who are we to judge?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I dont even need to know how the cult and this were connected, its better this way.
Badgerman
So the apeman's secret was fucking copyright infringement all the time?
FancyShark
This is definitely one of the most over-complicated plots we've found
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
lmao IT IS!
Badgerman
Jesus, book, tell me to drink my ovaltine while you're at it
FancyShark
You asked and the monkey's paw curled
gellaho
So, Rudd stole the idea. Then tried to steal the art multiple times to cover that up. Then the TV executive used a disgruntled actor to also cover it up because he was worried about the show falling apart
Brendan
I can tell you from exhaustive research there are about 12 golden age comic heroes and three silver age additions.
Badgerman
Just. Just fucking buy the rights to the character, guys.
Brendan
You've got detective, space ace, fighter pilot, he-man, spy, G-man...
Badgerman
What the fuck are you doing
Brendan
I assure you there are forty Apemen out there.
LyraV
Exhaustingly AWESOME research.
gellaho
Houseman-chauffeur
godless juice jakesy
Badgerman
YOU OWN A LIMO
gellaho
And here are the cuties
FancyShark
This book should be called First World Problems
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh my troubles! My houseman/chauffeur got sick! I had to TALK TO POORS to get a replacement!"
1000 Space GDCs
I lost the plot here. Just tell Fenton who needs to be waterboarded
FancyShark
Let me bring you a chair that you may faint into!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Is Noah going to just machine gun everyone to death?
gellaho
WHAT THE FOOLS DON'T REALIZE
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Be real funny if by the time they ungag Sue shes like "Yeah I like being in the sex cult, you guys need to fuck off."
FancyShark
Y-you were going to sell a comic book to foreign agents to fund your sex cult?
Badgerman
What the fuck is happening
Brendan
Reverse Argo!
1000 Space GDCs
Shh. Don't interrupt the villain when he's monologuing
gellaho
The cultists also decided to do Apeman pranks independently
Brendan
This is scientology.
They live on a boat Sea Org, they infiltrate the powerful to blackmail their secrets.
FancyShark
It's a shame. You pick up an adorable cultie and bring it home and before you know it it's all grown up and pulling out electrical wires
gellaho
Just know these explanations go on for a long time
Badgerman
Fuck dude we sure are
FancyShark
This is the Yakuza 4 of Hardy books
gellaho
It's a rumble!
FancyShark
I know several people won't get that joke, but sometimes I have to tell one for me
gellaho
Rumble over
1000 Space GDCs
The yanks won't get the bedlam reference, ghostwriter.
FancyShark
"Thanks, Father!"
Badgerman
I like how Fenton just showed up
FancyShark
"I'm not paying you"
gellaho
Then we get a mysterious vision of the future
Badgerman
Just dropped in from offscreen
LyraV
Now that you've cleaned up my cases you'll have to clean up...YOUR ROOMS
Badgerman
The Mummy Case? really? swing and a miss
FancyShark
BWAAAAAA?!
gellaho
Sad trombone
Badgerman
Always has been, Chet
FancyShark
You have to show them their errors, Chet. Show them with fire.
1000 Space GDCs
Fat boy? Jesus Christ, ghost writer.
gellaho
Time for a fat party
Brendan
What is Friar Tuck doing aboard the Enterprise?
LyraV
He just won't let up on this kid.
FancyShark
FAT PARTY!
I think Peter David was less cruel to kids he hated
Badgerman
His name is a Cyrano Jones and he sells Tribbles
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys ®️ #62: The Apeman's Secret
FancyShark
We did it!
Badgerman
bruh
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hambone has instructed me to say this: The Ed Hardy Boys.
gellaho
So concludes the 78th Edition of The Book Cage
LyraV
This is my new favorite cover.
gellaho
But before we go, I'm something of an Apeman myself
And I have a secret of my own
Brendan
Later that night, Chet discoed on the dance floor with all his friends, bouncing jollily to the beat.
gellaho
https://youtu.be/b54f0CrPBu4
Happy Halloween
Brendan
The month was January. The year, 1980. Disco would never die.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Thank youuuuuuu!
FancyShark
:yee:
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Y'all I was having a real time tonight and y'all made it better with your riffs and comradeship. Thanks.
FancyShark
YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Brendan
:headbanging like the villain in a Jack chick comic:
I ADORE THIS MUSIC! Through it Satan gives me power!
1000 Space GDCs
If any book deserves book jail it's this one. Good work everyone.
Brendan
Each Hardy character killed is a sacrifice to The Dark One!
FancyShark
Killer riffs, everyone!
Brendan
is anyone else getting a New Zealand tourism video as the recommended viewing?
Juho
Thank you!
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho !
godless juice jakesy
Brendan
You've outdone yourself again, Gellaho.
Badgerman
I don't know why "horseman chauffeur" broke me so hard.
I just
The dude had a limo
Brendan
May the Hraby Jr. boys ever hit the lightswitch on your assassins rather than discover your tastefully executed corpse.
FancyShark
Have a great night, everybody. Hope to see you all tomorrow for Fight Night!
