What do you get when you combine an interplanetary assassin and a cyborg powered by the brain of a dead man? Some bullshit familial-business drama. The good news, however, is that the first 25 pages is the most dense pile of insanity I've seen in quite some time. Hold on to your butts, because we'll be skipping a lot. Prepare for the scholarship of Kenneth von Gunden (a retired Penn State film professor specializing in science fiction) this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
godless juice jakesy
Back on the Cyborg Train, babay
gellaho
I will point out that the summary on the back is almost entirely lies
godless juice jakesy
I mean I agree, why would you need an army of cyborgs when one cyborg has the firepower of an entire army?
gellaho
Be forewarned, the cyborg in this book sucks ass and I hate him. I'm also not certain he's actually a cyborg. He might just be a robot
Badgerman
I mean, the Terminator is just a robot with a skin cover and they call that shit a "cyborg", so who's to say
gellaho
He makes a lot of "jokes" and the only part of him that is still human is his brain...maybe. I'm still not 100% on that even
At any rate, the beginning of this book is glorious, but then it hits a nosedive when the family reunion starts
Badgerman
That's just kinda how family reunions go iirc
godless juice jakesy
Yeah when unfunny people try to put jokes in their writing it never works out well
gellaho
A little under an hour until The Pale Companion. Here is the preview, which kind of gives away the book a bit.
Badgerman
Bro what you can't just leak your own climax fight scene before the book even starts
What is this author doing
FancyShark
"Polysteel"? Simon Hawke will be calling your attorney
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Polysteel is made of polycules. Spread the word.
Badgerman
Poly Steele is equally rageful and tempestuous to all of his partners
gellaho
So, before the book starts, I do have a couple of notes. This book is a little longer than average at 264 pages. However, large swaths are also boring, so large chunks will be skipped.
My only trepidation with doing this is that you will not get the full annoyance experience of the cyborg Sam Houston. I hate him.
There is also a stark contrast between the first 25 pages and the rest of this book. I'm not really sure what happened there.
FancyShark
This should be interesting
gellaho
And some things to keep in mind about the author:
Kenneth Von Gunden was a Penn State University professor and is still a writer. Many of his friends call him "Dr. Kenny," because he has a Ph.D. in American Culture/Film/Popular Culture from Penn State.
As a graduate student at PSU, Von Gunden assisted Philip Klass (William Tenn) in teaching one of the first SF Literature courses in the United States. It was Klass who encouraged him to write.
So he's studied media specializing in science fiction
FancyShark
uh oh
gellaho
Let's see how that works out
FancyShark
Knowing gellaho, I'm sure that's to get us excited about how great this will be
gellaho
Let's begin the process
1000 Space GDCs
I'm turning off my work laptop and pouring a beer.
gellaho
A lot of this book was built on this cyborg fight between identical cyborgs
Badgerman
Ayyy, Penn State. Local grad
gellaho
sure hope that doesn't dissapoint
FancyShark
I don't see how it could!
Badgerman
The cover art really makes it look like one is super duper puffy
FancyShark
Man vs Congestive Heart Failure Man
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's all the sub dermal chrome.
Badgerman
The timeless combat of history retold
gellaho
Start with Shakespeare, never clichéd
1000 Space GDCs
Ah, a man of culture
gellaho
Badgerman
I am getting the feeling of pomping in the Book Cage
FancyShark
"What's a quote that means 'I will tell you a story of a dude with the biggest hog'?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You can feel that Penn State education money.
FancyShark
Old business, like Denny's or the AARP
gellaho
This will be consistent characterization I'm sure
FancyShark
Hives, always disgorging
Badgerman
Starting up immediately with the sci fi babble vomit
gellaho
'bot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah my guy, nobody likes the TSA and the customs men, we get it.
LyraV
Oh this opened with a midsummer night's dream quote, that feels ominous combined with the cover art.
Badgerman
That thick bullshit patty of a first sentence followed by "'bot". Fucking incredible
FancyShark
No mention of what would happen if the disdain was noticed
gellaho
This skin tone disguise won't make sense later on
Badgerman
Yeah, this is definitely the writing style of a man who doesn't "get" why blackface sucks
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Are they setting him up for learning a lesson about robot racism? Is this a Become Human?
Badgerman
'Bot Like Me
FancyShark
Wait for the survey at the end
1000 Space GDCs
I guess he got fake retinas?
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Did he use alternation as if it were some sci fi way of saying Alteration?
FancyShark
They're glued to the front of his glasses. It's a bad disguise.
Badgerman
Just peeling off colored contact lenses like Patrick Bateman in the mirror
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Black market eyeballs.
gellaho
You know what, I'm actually going to skip that section. He goes to a family reunion in the second part and it turns out his entire family is mixed race
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Because Alternation is an actual word that soecifically doesn't work in that situation
1000 Space GDCs
gellaho
What a genius solution that I've never heard before
gellaho
well, phone don't listen to me about not making that a reply I guess
Badgerman
Eye-dentity theft
FancyShark
Stealing the eyeballs is easier
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
I think that entire paragraph is a brilliant non-sequitur reply to questions about racism in a scifi book
gellaho
I love the planet of Made It
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Patrick Harrison, but his made up friends call him "Neil"
Badgerman
Why are y'all booing me, that's literally what happened
FancyShark
Still a pun
Badgerman
Man, he couldn't even come up with a Lastname's Planet?
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Why do all SciFi writers immediately refer to anything Japanese/Japan as Nippon?
1000 Space GDCs
I think Larry Niven wrote a book with a planet called Made It
FancyShark
To silence the weebs
Badgerman
They think they're being wise and worldly by referring to it "in the original tongue"
LyraV
The weebs within their own MINDS
gellaho
PrinSecPol. Because that's how things get shortened
FancyShark
Smacking your head is so cliche
Badgerman
But satisfying!
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Of course! His boss! "Facesmash Keyboard"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Known as Prinnies on the street.
gellaho
You may want to know what the Whale Nation is. But you won't
Badgerman
Oh. Oh no
Oh no no no
Oh okay, never mind. I misread the fuck out of "whale"
FancyShark
If it's not a Star Whale, it can fuck right off
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I then have to assume it's like The Nation of Islam but for cetaceans.
1000 Space GDCs
It's the planet of people who pay too much for lootboxes
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Hashem Fedalf rearranges to "Shh, A Famed Elf"
Badgerman
Elrond!
1000 Space GDCs
Oh, and the planet in Ringworld was called We Made It.
FancyShark
Sam Houston rearranges to "Shout No Mas!"
gellaho
There are certain names that have been claimed. By 1994, Voorhees was one
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Or it's an anachronistic reference to Avatar the Last Airbender.
Badgerman
Oh my god it's a stealth sequel to Jason X: Jason Goes to Space
gellaho
So, this Alfie thing never gets explained. He just kind of has a magic friend
FancyShark
So...they weren't dead?
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
While I'm on an Anagram Kick. Galen Yeager is either "Algae Energy" or "Eery Egg Anal"
gellaho
That he talks to telepathically
FancyShark
So glad we're getting all this magic and fantasy in a sci fi book
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh this is a Quantum Leap thing? Alfie is this guy's Ziggy?
Badgerman
Alfie was totally going to be the super advanced alien vanguard in the other books that never got green lit
Badgerman
Sometimes it fucks! Sometimes. Probably not here though.
FancyShark
Alfie is just a GPS
gellaho
I'm not really sure what Alfie gets out of this arrangement
1000 Space GDCs
You can tell Alfie is a robot because he communicates in html
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's not weird at all to tell your AI phone you were thinking about it like that.
Like not at all flirty.
Badgerman
This is just his Destiny 2 Ghost
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
I picture Alfie as some weird dude sitting in a dark room on some futuristic version of Discord that only connects to Galen
FancyShark
It really is the guide character from a video game
gellaho
The ultimate in espionage: shoe lifts
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Galen just really doesn't understand the concept of Netrunners.
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Galen "Manlet" Yeager fools society with heels
Badgerman
Remember when Rorschach having shoe lifts was a big reveal at the end of his downfall arc to make him look like a big fat loser
Anyway, here's a guy we're supposed to like
gellaho
This woman is definitely going to be important to the larger plot of this book
gellaho
Definitely
Badgerman
Cousteauean is a terrible word
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nobody really is fooled by his disguise but is too polite to say.
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Cousteauean is way to many vowels in a row
Cousteaunite would have worked better
1000 Space GDCs
Cousteauner
Badgerman
Cousteaus of the world, unite!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Cousteaush
FancyShark
An autocab? Not a transpobus?
Arch Hotdog Witch Adrienne
Or even Cousteauni
gellaho
"Horribly vulgar"
Badgerman
Oh, because she has curves.
I mean. I guess that's a pun.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"PUNS! DOES NOT COMPUTE!"
1000 Space GDCs
puns are the lowest form of humor and even they are beyond him
gellaho
But they pull me back in
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Galen doesn't understand puns, talks to an AI in his head and is antisocial... and we're supposed to be surprised when a robot copies him?
Badgerman
Just like the top shelf
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also describing your main character as being a humorless goob is not great.
Arch Hotdog Witch Adrienne
"Our protagonist wouldn't know a joke if it bit him on the dick, dear readers"
gellaho
Definitely will be consistent characterization
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Galen sounds like would definitely fall in the "Doesn't Know What Sex Is/Fucks" category
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"He's so cool and professional he's no fun at all!"
Arch Hotdog Witch Adrienne
Phew. Autocorrect did NOT want me talking about dick-biting
FancyShark
Oh, so Galen's kind of a psychopath
gellaho
How dare you ask my robot with a dead man's personality to kill!
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Galen interjects with pure exposition
Badgerman
If this was the actual historical Sam Houston this robot would have no problem at all with killing
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wait they have kill bots and are using this boring asshole?
1000 Space GDCs
You can tell an editor had to convince him Galen shouldn't start his speech with 'as you know...'
FancyShark
Yes I can. I mean Sam. Sam I can.
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Editor?
1000 Space GDCs
I do not like that sam i can
gellaho
But why must I murder?
gellaho
FancyShark
He will not kill, that Sam I can
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I'm immediately picturing Sam as a toucan with an epic mustache and cowboy hat.
Badgerman
Oh fuck off with this Byronesque imagery
He's a big weenie and he doesn't want to do his state sanctioned murder job. There, saved you a thesaurus
gellaho
Take the happy stick down to the butt
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Galen listens to "As_I_Watch_The_Sun_Fuck_The_Ocean.mp3"
FancyShark
He seems really torn up about the ruthless killering getting in the way of his quest for blandness
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ass worked too.
Badgerman
Did the word "cigarette" get canceled or something
FancyShark
"Happy stick" means "syringe of meth"
1000 Space GDCs
No, Galen is super high right now
gellaho
The supercillious 'bot asked disdainfully
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
So far the only things I know about Galen is he doesn't get puns, gets nervous at the idea of meeting a woman and would literally kill rather than inconvenience a friend.
Is this book just a thinky veiled jab at Autistic people?
Edit: I'm on that spectrum so I'm not punching down here
1000 Space GDCs
Our ruthless killer walked down to the beach and smoked a joint like a 17 year old
Badgerman
This is almost exactly a sentence from William Shatner's Tekwar
FancyShark
YAS Tanna
Badgerman
Where it appeared as "said the robot pimp disdainfully"
gellaho
Galen smiled a smile.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And Yas Tannas sibling Yarp
Badgerman
A DECEPTIVELY FRIENDLY smile!
1000 Space GDCs
I thought 'bots emotional state was inscrutable. But disdain is definitely possible
FancyShark
He grinned a smile so laughy
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
When you say 'bot are you supposed to pronounce the ' ?
Badgerman
Here, take this message cube. Because we don't use paper in the future.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I think the apostrophe is silent but conveyed with an eye roll
1000 Space GDCs
I love old sci fi because they always have the least convenient forms of data storage
gellaho
Disgorged the plaspaper on the plaswood
FancyShark
Again with the disgorging
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Message cubes are just pieces of paper that are equal in width, height and length
gellaho
Plaspaper only
Badgerman
Good god, it is Tekwar. They were all fucking about the plas-stuff in that book
FancyShark
"Utilitarian pieces of furniture" is the most hand-waving description of an office's furniture I've ever seen
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
"A Plastic IKEA desk with faux-wood panelling" sounds less cool than Plaswood
gellaho
What markings? That's an excellent question with no answer
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shadow Legion sounds cool. I bet Dr. Kenny will have written it as a group of bankers or something.
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
And it's very hard to sound less cool than Plaswood
Badgerman
Nevin Feller's Shadow Legion sounds like someone making fun of Tom Clancy
1000 Space GDCs
Go talk to that ol' Nevin feller o'er there
gellaho
YOU ARE DIFFERENT IN A NUMBER OF WAYS
godless juice jakesy
Jesus I'm not going to be able to join this for another half hour and I'm going to be so lost
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
I've been here since the start and I have no clue
Badgerman
Just takes off his shoes and Tanna does a huge gasp
gellaho
Names without context sure are great
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
S.......superman?! But how?!
FancyShark
"You are so different in traits and identifiers that I cannot bother to list them"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Clark Kent was just here!
Badgerman
Love when dialogue is this dry and flat. Really love the crunch it makes when it gets stuck in my teeth
gellaho
"But why must I kill?" he thinks before saying a one-liner
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Gar and Tey Varro grew up in a family so poor they couldn't afford more than 3 letters for first names
Badgerman
This dude is such a fucking square that his premortem one line is "I am here to kill you"
FancyShark
So it's a needle gun that fires pottery shards
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You suck Galen. You fuckin had a chin wag with this idiot before perforation and it was not even a cool one.
gellaho
No sense of humor, but makes fun of the corpse
Badgerman
He fell to the floor without a sound, just after he screamed the word "NO!"
gellaho
Like I said, very consistent
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
What I like is thatnit sounds like he's Yas queening his own statement
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He's making jokes for Alfie I guess.
gellaho
Qumalii multidimensional security cube
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
He doesn't know they're jokes. He's just making conversation
Badgerman
Oh shut up
You can get away with this shit in Star Wars, not an original IP about cyborg fights
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
More cubes... the future is all cube
FancyShark
Qumalii makes the best security cubes
1000 Space GDCs
Does this book have an appendix or glossary or anything? This author seems self-indulgent enough to include one
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I do like a good cube ....
Badgerman
"Qumalii multidimensional security cube". Get the fuck outta here
gellaho
Certainly about cyborg fights
Definitely happens early and often
Badgerman
Oh yeah, wall to wall action going on here
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Multi dimensional cube. Has three dimensions.
gellaho
Sonofafuckingbitch
FancyShark
My ass is blown to the back of my skull by the action so far
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
The only options are either explaining things 10 chapters later OR..and I'm strongly suspecting this... moving on and hoping everyone just forgets
Badgerman
That cuss exploded out of him like someone dropped a mentos in a diet coke
FancyShark
Oh cute! He knows idioms too!
gellaho
Why does an alien light-years away have access to this information. Do not worry about it
gellaho
Hold on to that butt
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"it's a cardboard box, Galen. Just pull off the tape."
gellaho
Shit will go crazy and you will not be prepared
Badgerman
What was the significance of the sequence of numbers if it wasn't his birthday
Are we going to address that at all
FancyShark
It better have been "11111"
Badgerman
That's what I use on my luggage!
gellaho
Good thing the cloud wasn't invented by the future
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
"Yas!"
"Success?"
"Yes!"
Badgerman
He's come down with a touch of… DEATH.
1000 Space GDCs
I think you scooped like 5 people on that joke.
Badgerman
Muahahahaha!
FancyShark
I'm afraid it was fatal
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Of course. Keep the brain in the abdomen.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Does he have a second gun for robots or did Dr. Kenny forget he buys ammo at Pottery Barn?
gellaho
Would love to know why drowning in water is impossible
Badgerman
Since you have seen me I must terminate your functioning as well 🤓
FancyShark
Fish lady
Badgerman
Cybergills
Which will never be mentioned or addressed
FancyShark
Worked in Warframe
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Just like in Deus Ex, she can breathe water but by the time she got the upgrade it was useless.
Badgerman
Worked for that one Green Lantern
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
I like how Tey is mentally communicating with herself but also in response to the Narrator
FancyShark
Worked for Krang
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
She is a fish woman who broken the 4th wall
Badgerman
Worked for Cory
Well. He was more of a spore colony
gellaho
Kenneth has a policy of just naming characters after things he likes
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
1 paragraph in and she immediately a way more interesting character than Galen
Badgerman
To be fair who doesn't like Jeff Goldblum
gellaho
But it doesn't really work when you follow Tey Varro, Suo Hann, Lin Manna, and Kei Dakki with "Uri Goldblum"
1000 Space GDCs
Or Uri Geller?
Badgerman
Fuck, scooped me
gellaho
Or when you name your wealthy family Voorhees
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
The author needed a name for an unsavory character willing to betray people to get ahead... so he picked the name "Jewy Jewison"
His editors probably helped him dial it back a bit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Jason's descendants did well for themselves.
Badgerman
Who's next, Ron Goynzo
gellaho
All of these organizations will develop throughout, without any doubt
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Archimedes Blackguyman.
Badgerman
THRILL as opaque nebulous government agencies are obliquely referenced!
FancyShark
The Shadow Legion have to know they're the bad guys
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Or are ninjas.
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
The Magistracy Principate Legion
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They could still be ninjas.
FancyShark
@gellaho , is this still the first 25 pages?
1000 Space GDCs
The fact that that wasn't corrected to magistrate is evidence against the existence of an editor
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I'm getting a "Read a few Battletech novels while drunk" vibe.
gellaho
Indeedily
FancyShark
I can't wait to see where this goes
1000 Space GDCs
I was looking for something to do this weekend, thanks.
gellaho
And now: murder hypnosis
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Probably to Hot Paperwork and Trade Negotiation Action
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Since this entire part with Tey has been her communicating exposition with the narrator...couldn't she have just been thinking all of this?
Badgerman
Oh Christ, the hypnotist from today's article broke out of containment
gellaho
Let the death train commence
FancyShark
So he could hypnotize himself into being completely chill about murdering and was worried about finding inner peace
1000 Space GDCs
lift-drop tubes isn't sci-fi, it just sounds like you forgot the word for elevator.
Badgerman
I'm glad we're learning all of this backstory just before or just after their murder
gellaho
Gun time
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Again I thought he had a needle gun?
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
I'm still trying to see how being replaced by a robot is going to somehow be worse
FancyShark
Please be a gun that throws actual slugs
1000 Space GDCs
the pottery gun burned him?
gellaho
But why must I kill
FancyShark
Vibroblade, because fuck copyright
Badgerman
I'M SO SAD ABOUT BEING SO GOOD AT KILLING YOU GUYS
Brendan
I...wow, I'm stumped.
1000 Space GDCs
a slug thrower is a snail thrower with caseless ammunition
gellaho
That's how fingerprints work
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The vibro part is the butthole stimulator controlled by stabbing with the paired blade.
gellaho
Go read a newscube
Brendan
What have I missed?
Badgerman
Galius Zed
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Zero cyborg fights
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
So much and yet you could start right now and not be lost at all
Badgerman
Galen Yeager accused of cheating at mass murder tournament
gellaho
Real wood, holographic porno
Badgerman
Leafing through a hologram
FancyShark
Dollar General Steele hates being so good at killing. And has no sense of humor but still quips. And has a magical crystal that works as his data assistant.
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
He's also shorter than expected
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Who even reads magazines in the future?
gellaho
BUT WHY MUST I KILL
Brendan
But he's ALL head
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
So off puttingly short that lifts in his shoes are enough to make him utterly unrecognizable
Brendan
...didn't we already have a president varro?
Badgerman
Makes it really easy to keep his head in his torso when he's both all head and all torso
gellaho
Hypnosis seems fun
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Emotionless killing machine is angry that he didn't shoot someone in the face well enough
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also he's not funny and hates jokes, so Galen is kind of our antithesis.
gellaho
This also really matches up with his description as a famous assassin that he throws up after killing people
Badgerman
He uttered a three syllable word which the audience will never be privy to
gellaho
Hitmen are famously squeemish
FancyShark
Yep. Professionals vomit after-
dammit, scooped
1000 Space GDCs
Galen Yeager: A Land of Contrasts
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Hamburger
gellaho
A common adjective
FancyShark
Lizards do have brown hair. This tracks.
1000 Space GDCs
To be fair that happens when you keep licking your own eyes
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Yes, short heavyset brunettes often call to mind lizards
Badgerman
This author seems like the kind of guy who didn't enjoy The Last Jedi but calling Rian Johnson lizardlike seems a little mean
1000 Space GDCs
Either that or he has a skin condition that people are very insensitive about.
gellaho
If you are wondering what a Doro is, you have approximately 200 pages to wait
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Also everyones names start with the same 4 or 5 letters
FancyShark
Doro the Exploro?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Heavyset means he has plenty of fat stored in his tail.
gellaho
I'll just tell you now: wolves
Badgerman
Doro! Doro! Doro!
FancyShark
Dororo!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Dorohedoro
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Wait.. Yeltsin? A place named after a former Russian president?
1000 Space GDCs
Having a planet named yeltsin really dates this book
gellaho
Verboten joy dust
Badgerman
Joyyyyyyydust
FancyShark
"Fist offs" did not do market research on that name
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Better that that Planet Stalin, there's a real shit hole
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
I went to a fist off once, you can never get rid of the smell
1000 Space GDCs
joy dust is such a boring term for space cocaine
gellaho
Cally boys
FancyShark
Especially when you could be referring to glitter
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Yes. Fist off your private ring
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Their ad campaign slogan "Fist on, fist off!" was a hit and they just don't know why.
Badgerman
Yeah, Frank and Joe are very much the Cally boys before anything else
gellaho
Add plascrete to your bingo sheet
Badgerman
And soiled, at that!
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
You know someone is shady when they hang out with Lezzos AND Cally Boys
FancyShark
I'm sure "lezzos" is a term that will never age badly
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lezzos sounds like a word for lesbians but it's a slur for a race of hybrid reptile legume people.
gellaho
Probably not a great slang term if you have to explain it
Badgerman
Yeah, I remember people getting really mad when Lezzos played that crystal flute in the Smithsonian that one time
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Of course. When I think of money I think of indescribable mass and attraction
Brendan
Lizards are so stocky and hairy.
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
This author needs a thesaurus
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lmao gravity as a slang for money works so badly
Badgerman
How the flip floppity fuck did gravity come to mean money
gellaho
KING KONG
FancyShark
Wolves: They Have Hands
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Because I think the author sits down to write and then words fall out of him like lezzos at a Cally Boy Doro fight
Badgerman
PUBLIC DOMAIN REFERENCE SO YOU CAN'T SUE ME NEENER NEENER
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
King Kong the wolf......
gellaho
The big bad fight promoter sits imposing in his cuddle chair
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wolfzilla was right there.
Badgerman
Otto Hyuck
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Just goes to show they'll still be remaking King Kong 2000 years in the future
Badgerman
Literally a Goofy name
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah we get it, lizard guy. You vape. Geez.
FancyShark
I'll never understand why authors think it's impressive to blow smoke rings. Breathe fire or GTFO
gellaho
There is a creature later in the book that is a genetically engineered cross between Doros and humans they call werewolves. Kind of seems like you made a werewerewolf
Badgerman
Wait. There's a fight promoter. And two cyborgs are going to fight.
Is this just an unauthorized Rock Em Sock Em Robots novel?
FancyShark
God, I hope so
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
A huhwolf if you will.
gellaho
His name is BA Realguy and he's got a ring that'll choke a pignose
Badgerman
More like a whuh?wolf
FancyShark
"He asked me to convey that threat to you and to be menacing. Please fill out this feedback card."
godless juice jakesy
I'm just going to assume that Doros are the full grown versions of Doritos and go from there
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
J.J. Coupling is the name I use on the registry at hotels I take sex workers to.
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Better than Ron Mexico
FancyShark
Pre-evolved form
gellaho
"Interplanetary Pimp" is the name of my second funk album
Badgerman
"Said the interplanetary pimp disdainfully"
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Galen put all his effort into looking flashy and settled for a big rock
FancyShark
Pimps are well known throughout the cosmos for their fashion, not just on Earth
gellaho
Ten thousand for one fisting, please
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Some people would appreciate being a space pimp.
Badgerman
Man, inflation's really hitting everybody
FancyShark
"I'm sorry. Did I not properly convey that by speaking in the same way anyone normally would to make a bet?"
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
They call them credits but it's still paper money
gellaho
And now, gas pen
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You see sir, I wish to engage in skulduggery."
Badgerman
Hahaha fuck this James Bond bullshit
FancyShark
It was filled with fart spray, but they drained it and loaded it with ricin gas
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Galen: Worried about being able to.get his needle gun on planet
Also Galen: Apparently has an entire armoury just on him at all times.
But the Needle gun needed to be smuggled in
gellaho
You're going to love what he implanted in Rian
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He brought it with him in his hidden compartment. 😉
FancyShark
hahahaha, fucking what?
Badgerman
Yeah, just leave us in suspense, ghostwriter
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
They are serious about making sure everyone gets their Covid booster this year
Badgerman
Also, "freeze tube"
FancyShark
read: Popsicle
wait, ice pop
gellaho
Poor, unimaginative Otto can only imagine as far as renting a sexbot with thousands of dollars
FancyShark
He's a horny Huycker
Badgerman
Take the money and run, Otto! Escape this wretched misbegotten life!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I uh...... don't think cobras eat chickens? I'm pretty sure they eat rats.
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Perfect simile. Cobras sure love to eat chickens and the idea of them doing so is very commonplace
gellaho
Seems like he needs some lip balm with all this lip moistening
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Otto is gonna have some chapped ass lips at this rate
Badgerman
A test AND a trap. How novel
1000 Space GDCs
The big cage suspended by a rope was the tip off.
FancyShark
A test and a trap. Like breakfast at Jack in the Box
gellaho
Joy juice
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Put me down
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is like the time my high school math teacher gave me a pop quiz and used a bear trap to keep me from escaping.
FancyShark
Tell me you've never been to a party without telling me you've never been to a party
gellaho
Depraved supply train
Badgerman
What can I say, logis party hard
1000 Space GDCs
those are things famous for depravity
godless juice jakesy
Did he mean to say supply chain
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Every word this man puts to paper is intentional
Badgerman
Even if he had it would have made just as much sense, which was "none"
gellaho
I hope you are ready for the most sensual description of a sex act you'll ever see
1000 Space GDCs
The man is a doctor.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Penn State education shows.
Badgerman
COUNTING MOISTNESS WITH HIS TONGUE UHHHHHH
godless juice jakesy
Lol
Badgerman
"Like a tarantula under a sheet"
Stop, please, we can only be so aroused
gellaho
Like a tarantula under the sheet
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
There is no more effective way to signal the end of a conversation than some finger blasting
gellaho
Pure. Sex.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Pussy tarantula, thanks Penn State.
gellaho
Ladies love the tarantula
godless juice jakesy
Generally I've found that yes, women love the spider cooch
1000 Space GDCs
girl's miniscule panties is a phrase that should put you on a lot of lists
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shaved head IS a look tho.
gellaho
Very next paragraph. And I don't think you are ready for what's next
FancyShark
"Fuck like a tarantula" IS sexy. YOU WERE WRONG, AMANDA!
Badgerman
Spiiiider Sex
Where are you coming from?
Spiiiider Sex
Fingers in every holeee~~
godless juice jakesy
Wait is she going to eat his head after they mate
1000 Space GDCs
That's why I always went after Jack in Mass Effect
gellaho
Glorious
godless juice jakesy
Call of Duty twist!
Badgerman
WHAT
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
There's more than 5G and Chips to worry about in your vaccinations
Badgerman
Also he just murdered like six innocent people in that blast, I'm pretty sure
What a professional
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Nobody is innocent in the future
FancyShark
"I'm pretty sure there's no bystanders"
gellaho
Probably a lot more than six in the illegal fighting pits
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Not where Doro fighting is concer ed
godless juice jakesy
I'm pretty sure the atomic bomb killed more than a few people
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lol he nuked a whole fucking building but was puking his guts out over a handful of kills.
gellaho
But I'm sure you guys were all happy to learn about Otto's sexual fantasies before he got nuked, right?
gellaho
He's over it
Badgerman
WHY MUST I BE SO GOOD AT KILLING 🤮
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
It was an odd amount of character building
Badgerman
PAGE TWENTY SIX
1000 Space GDCs
It revealed more about the author than I'm comfortable knowing.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Otto is fucking robohos in Heaven now.
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
This author thinks Chekhovs rifle is just a cool name for a gun
gellaho
And now: a list of stupid phrases
Badgerman
Synbacco is my favorite Wookiee
FancyShark
Synbacco means cigarette? So happy sticks must be weed?
LyraV
Happy Sticks would be an alright band name I guess.
1000 Space GDCs
i'm surprised they didn't go with plasbacco
gellaho
Let's just introduce ESP really quick, that'll definitely be important to the story
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Please do not imbibe intoxicants during Warp passage. The Emperor Protects."
Badgerman
Christ, what was it with sci fi schlock and ESP
That shit was everywhere
FancyShark
VERY FEW ships were lost on jumps
gellaho
Certainly not the thoughts of a sociopath
Badgerman
This guy actually thinks the people around him are NPCs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Neo-Christ.
FancyShark
"I think I'll get a needle gun and mow these faceless shapes down"
Badgerman
CyberChrist
1000 Space GDCs
Those all sound like interesting people, though
Brendan
They solved the Jaunt!
gellaho
Kenneth gets some of his degree work in here
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Neo-CyberChrist!
1000 Space GDCs
actually, isn't this how Hyperion by Dan Simmons starts?
FancyShark
Yes, but that book was good
Badgerman
How fucking dare this man invoke Campbell after nuking a pit fighting arena
gellaho
BUT WHY MUST I KILL
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Kenneth just pops some of his masters thesis into his book
FancyShark
Kenneth couldn't find a way to incorporate the thesis into his narrative, so fuck it, here's the thesis
godless juice jakesy
, maaaaaaaaaan
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahaha no, no way are Westerns going to make a comeback in a thousand years.
gellaho
And what is a 'scraper? Do not worry about it
1000 Space GDCs
the fact that you can just stroll up and talk to the captain is a real pre-9/11 conceit
Badgerman
Oooh, ruggedly handsome
FancyShark
Spatula
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuckin spacemen dissecting Randy Rides Alone.
Badgerman
Enchanté, mon Capitán
Brendan
You see, in the SYMBOLISM space ITSELF is a sort of FRONTIER
gellaho
"Have you ever, like, thought that, uh, maybe we're actually the insane ones, maaaaaaaaaaaan?"
1000 Space GDCs
a...final frontier, if you will
Badgerman
A frontier that is a character all of its own 🧠
FancyShark
I miss being able to discuss philosophy with the captain of the plane
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
The Captain nods, he thinks "This is a totally normal conversation for my day:
1000 Space GDCs
Galen burned down a space joint and thinks he's very profound now.
Badgerman
Captain signals the Air Marshal, who approaches with spacecuffs
godless juice jakesy
This book is so deep, I can't wait for the inevitable rant about the corporations being too corporationy
FancyShark
"Would you like a pin to show you were a brave boy on your flight?"
gellaho
Gotta wonder how the scientists developed this technology if they didn't understand how it worked
godless juice jakesy
"What if the government is actually the bad guys, maaaaaaan"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He's been hitting that Venusian Devil Grass.
Badgerman
"The scientists don't actually understand science, maaaaaan"
gellaho
Oooh, that Medusa
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Editor: Hey Kenneth, how does space travel work in your universe?
Kenneth: I dunno. But luckily nobody else does either
Brendan
In the rerelease Great White shot first.
FancyShark
Meanwhile, some bits of exploded prostitute drip off the bottom of Galen's shoes
Badgerman
As opposed to the Gorgon Meg
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah because that's how science works Dr. Media PHD
1000 Space GDCs
Honestly the handwavey space magic explanation is less insufferable than pages of technobabble
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
So first Hyperspace is empty...then it is bowels
Galen has an odd understanding of human physiology
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He's cribbing from 40k now.
godless juice jakesy
First of all, if there's no nysteel in the ships then this is an unrealistic future
FancyShark
To be fair, he did just turn a building full of people into nothing but bowels and emptiness
1000 Space GDCs
this is also another Ringworld thing.
Badgerman
"The ship jumped"
gellaho
Galen's quest for God and meaning will definitely be important for this book
Badgerman
Oh cool, Hyperspace is just a black void totally unexciting to the imagination
FancyShark
Watches lie
gellaho
"Sir, are you OK in there?"
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
I'm sure all of this ties into the point where he beats the shit out of his robot clone
gellaho
Gotta wonder why they built an observation deck if jumping into hyperspace makes you crazy
At least put up a rope or something to block it off
Badgerman
It's like having a sun room on the spaceship in Sunshine
Like. Are you sure we need that?
gellaho
So anyway, forget all that
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Galen is so unimaginative that the thing that scares him the most is nothing
He truly fears Nothing
gellaho
Cello time!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I, a guy who just scrubbed sex worker ash out of my hair, am entitled to forgivenessssssss!"
FancyShark
He should avoid driving through the Midwest
Greg
Hell yeah lip action
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
We should start a Lip count. Everytime someone bites or licks kr whatever
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuckin violin players
gellaho
Now meet Sam Houston, the cyborg. I hate him
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Him playing violin explains so much.
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
He already has more personality than Galen
Badgerman
The Foundation?
No, the Asimov estate would sue.
FancyShark
Sam Abbott and Galen Costello
gellaho
Moly-steel
Badgerman
Moly moly moly
FancyShark
It's like holy steel, but not quite
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
This is my talking pet crystal and he sleeps in this little bed
gellaho
I hate you so much
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
As opposed to molly steel. More popular but makes it hard to get things done.
FancyShark
The hell does that even mean? He's going to eat Galen's family?
His mouth is Galen's mother?
I'm so confused
gellaho
I despise this robot
Badgerman
The lips are his family? Is this foreshadowing of how many times they'll come up?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Well you also don't want your alien crystal intelligence rolling under the couch.
Badgerman
Nothing says whimsy like writing out "heeheehee" right before narrating that someone giggled
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
I think the pauses the conversations have as we read narration actually happen in this book. Someone says something and then for roughly the amout of time it takes the narrator to explain stuff Galen is sitting silent
gellaho
So, anyway, they go to the Voorhees compound in South Africa for a biracial family reunion. On to part three
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
10/10
Badgerman
Did they pattern this robot on Young Sheldon
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
God this is like if Agent 47 and the robot from Buck Rodgers were roommates and I hate it.
FancyShark
That's Cockney for "halves"
Brendan
Yeah but it's rhyming slang for a sex act
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
I dunno. It would be weird to have a single word just abbreviated for no reason in the universe of this 'bot filled book
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Except the robot from Buck Rodgers doesn't giggle like a pervert
Brendan
Think about it. Dani Alves. FANNY
FancyShark
duuuuuuude
gellaho
Being 130 seems fun
Badgerman
Ghannee Mugambi-Voorhees
godless juice jakesy
Pringlish
FancyShark
I almost punched my monitor when I saw "Prin'glish"
godless juice jakesy
Lol
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
In space, nobody can see your granny toke on her sweet corncob pipe
FancyShark
Scoop me if you must, I stand by what I said
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Language of the Prinnies, dood.
gellaho
☑️ Redhead for anonymous relative
Badgerman
I like how Pringlish is just English with an undefined accent
Wait, there's two Ghannees now?
FancyShark
The children are immediately dragged under by a plaskraken
Badgerman
He's not just hitting on the mummy?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Slack jawed because they can't imagine anyone caring that Galen is present.
gellaho
The cousin is named after the grandmother, a great choice for fiction
godless juice jakesy
Also chocolate-complexioned is so strained
gellaho
You think that's strained
FancyShark
I'm kind of glad they didn't go for New African or something
1000 Space GDCs
That's not strained, that's snapped
gellaho
Ghannee's getting married. And time to skip over BUSINESS
Badgerman
I'm honestly surprised we're not full crash helmet at this point
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
I had to anagram Ghannee Mugambi-Voorhees and the best I got was
"A Humming Beverage soon, eh?"
1000 Space GDCs
An achilles tendon rolling up like cartoon blinds
FancyShark
Author's showing their hand a bit with "lady who is perpetually a child is most appealing because of that"
gellaho
Alves seems like a great guy. He's marrying Ghannee
Badgerman
Good grief.
FancyShark
She's marrying Sam Walton
1000 Space GDCs
I was going to go for a lazy elon musk joke
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
So it's like those things you can get that's a Segway with an ipad taped to it.
gellaho
Then Galen's ex-wife shows up. Galen has some strange proclivities
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
What a great fiancee.
gellaho
Her name is Adrianna
Badgerman
"Hhhhh let me stick my tongue in your ear canals babe 🤓 "
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And Galen has a wet willy fetish. No sense of humor tho.
LyraV
Well at least her tits smoke weed.
1000 Space GDCs
This author is the most upsettingly horny one in a while.
gellaho
This is how you describe ears, sure
Brendan
Moist ears are a PROBLEM, young man.
Badgerman
Man, big turnout from the irredeemable perverts this Upsetting Day
godless juice jakesy
The anti-Davis Mills
Brendan
Always clean your milady's eustachean tubes thoroughly with a microfiber cloth.
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
I got one more Anagram from granny
"Here Gunman Goo, Misbehave"
gellaho
Pseudo-Quantum-Gravity brainpack
FancyShark
I really hope Adrianna is just an ostrich and no one has the heart to tell Galen
godless juice jakesy
Her tits were tall and her ear canals were deep, a fine catch
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shit this is the Joust novelization we all wanted but never got.
gellaho
Galen is into this roboman
FancyShark
It's going to be so awkward when Galen blurts out how he nuked a dog fighting ring while everyone's giving toasts to the bride and groom
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The love that dare not speak it's name. The bond between a space murderer and his beloved ostrich bride.
Badgerman
This is the shittiest love triangle
gellaho
Galen is great at keeping secrets
Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child
Alves has a goatee. Obvious villain
1000 Space GDCs
sensual and goatee are not words that should be in the same sentance
Badgerman
<Jesusfuckingchrist!>
FancyShark
I was kidding, but now I genuinely want him to mention he murdered people in the middle of this terrible party
gellaho
Blah, blah, blah they eat
Badgerman
The fucking pasty incel cop on Andor wasn't as unlikeable as this dude
gellaho
And now, the attack
gellaho
Time for some more murder!
Brendan
If I were a bad guy, I would just shoot at the floor.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yayyy gunfire!
gellaho
Remember when Galen was supposed to be a humorless assassin? Forget that, he's Mr Quip now
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I'd have just tossed a frag grenade in and turned him to soft serve hamburger but rifle is good too.
Badgerman
"Like a dandy deciding which smoking jacket to wear" is a strange affectation to put on when he's literally under fire
gellaho
Galen's grandfather seems like a real dork
LyraV
Raw power, sure Galen that's you
1000 Space GDCs
I'm glad we have the model number of his gun, that is super important
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hawkwind's "Needle Gun" starts playing in the soundtrack.
FancyShark
If he had the Dragonslayer, this book would be a lot more fun
Badgerman
Hhhhhh that's meeee I'm the Dragonslayerrr
gellaho
Combat floaters
Badgerman
Now where'd I put my inhaler
The idea of hardened hitmen showing up in wing floaters like at the kiddie pool got a full belly laugh out of me
gellaho
Proscribed will make a couple of appearances
FancyShark
Since the author couldn't bother to make a cool name, I'm now picturing floaties on all the bad guys
DAMMIT
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Combat Floaters is what I call it when you shit in a public toilet and forget to flush because you fear being attacked.
Badgerman
"I proscribe a dose of MURDER!!"
gellaho
This gun seems impractical
Badgerman
It's like if Skyfall was written two decades early and also poorly
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Just call them hovercraft Dr. Kenny.
1000 Space GDCs
are battle floaters distinct from combat floaters?
FancyShark
A gun that fires Literal Armageddon seems a bit OP
Badgerman
Jesus, settle down with the Bible invoking
LyraV
I was not expecting the sixth seal to pop up.
FancyShark
I think I like that gun
gellaho
Surely my armor designed to distribute electricity will stop bullets
Badgerman
The gun blew him across the room because he's made of tissue paper
gellaho
DOOOOOOOOORK
Badgerman
Fuck me I called it.
FancyShark
So of course you can see why energy weapons caught on
Brendan
Skyfall WAS written poorly.
1000 Space GDCs
i love how he just casually dropped in that this guy is basically roland from the dark tower
Brendan
I will put Spectre up against Skyfall ten days a week.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I can also see how much he loves that needle gun. He's used it to kill like one dude.
Badgerman
Bold matchup, tbh. I thought Skyfall and Casino Royale were Craig's best
gellaho
Ew
Now that the attack has been repelled, safari time!
Brendan
Child Rolande, maybe.
Badgerman
Oh but we're still using jeeps in the future
Brendan
They're FUN!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And elephant guns.
Badgerman
They're FUN!
FancyShark
The only way the discordant personality stuff would make sense would be if the roboclone was of Galen and it was the humorless one
gellaho
Viviplastic
godless juice jakesy
Polysteel, what is that like some form of primitive nysteel?
FancyShark
Wait, this is Shitty Psychodrome, isn't it?
Badgerman
I was thinking Shitty Tekwar
gellaho
I hate Sam. And not just because he sweats for no reason
gellaho
This needs about fifty other ideas for it to even attempt a comparison
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Cool. Sweaty robots. Just what the genre needed.
gellaho
This is mostly about business from here on out
Badgerman
Man. We haven't met a single character who was at all endearing
FancyShark
Maybe the gun?
LyraV
Sweating without breathing seems like some kind of specific oversight.
1000 Space GDCs
just a bunch of moist androids
gellaho
Might as fucking well if you have Voorhees
Badgerman
I can't respect a gun that's so obviously a nerd's power fantasy
godless juice jakesy
Eh the gun has a shitty, impenetrable name too
FancyShark
I, Sweaty
godless juice jakesy
Wyverncolla? More like Y Bother With Dragon Bullshit Colla
1000 Space GDCs
Kruger National Park had all four animals.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Later they go to the Pinhead Memorial Museum.
gellaho
Suck it, Aunt Kitrina
FancyShark
And Leatherface Art Gallery
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And visit Myers Square
godless juice jakesy
Hahaha eat shut, uggo aunt
1000 Space GDCs
how do you tape a hologram to something
FancyShark
Plastape
1000 Space GDCs
that tracks
gellaho
So, then they go to see lions and the fun begins
Badgerman
Plaster of PlasParis
LyraV
Of course how would a mosquito even percieve a hologram?
Badgerman
why start now
gellaho
I love this part
Badgerman
FUCK YOU, ELEPHANT ATTACK
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck em up, Tantor.
gellaho
But before that, my least favorite part. How Kenneth has people say "Dadder" repeatedly
Badgerman
A whole family of them. Here to stomp you to death.
That's even worse than daddy somehow
And daddy has already been just completely fucking ruined
1000 Space GDCs
Elephants never forget!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck I hate dadder so goddam much
Badgerman
You could only make it worse by throwing an s on the end
gellaho
Yessssssssssssssssss
gellaho
Huzzah
LyraV
perfect
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah
Badgerman
Jesus Christ that elephant shows up just to fuck up that robot
Best character
gellaho
Unfortunately Sam is still alive
Badgerman
"Various fluids"
FancyShark
The elephant comes back with an axe
1000 Space GDCs
this wouldn't need to be so messy if you weren't so obsessed with wet droids
godless juice jakesy
Elephant never forgets, but more importantly, he never forgives
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's cum.
gellaho
And now we see the first lie of the back
FancyShark
It could be the elephant! You don't know!
Badgerman
Holy shit the elephants are making an army of cyborgs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Elephants are pretty smart.
Badgerman
Why isn't this book about that!?
1000 Space GDCs
I for one welcome our new elephant overlords
godless juice jakesy
This cyborg doesn't even have the firepower of an entire army
gellaho
Sam Houston is the anti-Steele: human brain, no human penis
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also Sam is biological?
gellaho
Unfortunately I do
FancyShark
aw
gellaho
The dick is more important though
I hate you, Sam
FancyShark
"That they hate you?"
godless juice jakesy
"Houston, we have a problem!"
gellaho
Ahuh
FancyShark
"Also, the standup of Joe Piscopo"
gellaho
So Sam goes to a secret technological laboratory under Houston
Badgerman
On one hand, one statement. On the other, a statement which doesn't in any way contradict the first.
FancyShark
Is there baseball?
gellaho
Back at the apartment
Badgerman
He's named after the city?
gellaho
I hope you are ready for it to get sexy
gellaho
He has the same name as the guy who founded the city
FancyShark
Uh oh. He's gonna fuck an ostrich
godless juice jakesy
Why does everyone in this book have such a shitty, clunky name
Badgerman
Good grief
FancyShark
FUTURE!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
God he's going to tongue her moist earholes.
LyraV
noooooooo
1000 Space GDCs
Hold on, i'm too sober to learn about more of this author's kinks
gellaho
Time for some ear stuff
Badgerman
I bet this guy came so hard when Khan put the space slug in Chekov's ear. Right there in the middle of the theater.
gellaho
Delicious, creamy flesh
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Brendan
Shag carpet in space seems like a static shock equipment failure waiting to yiff.
gellaho
Well, that's new
Let's try again
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Galen spells ostrich with a capital D, you gotta pay for the O cos the D ain't free (that don't make sense).....
Badgerman
Yeah, it's other women who have the unrealistic body expectations of women. Not dudes. Sure thing pal
FancyShark
Sadly, Dr. Kenny meant "creme freche"
Brendan
"She was acceptably white, but not like Grace Kelly."
gellaho
You know, nipple makeup
FancyShark
Her shirts must have weird stains
Brendan
I have spent enough time in the men's interest trenches to have observed similar to this guy. The patriarchy is real and sucks and shitty guys will call women fat, but for all that, men's magazines tend to prefer curves while women's magazines are like FFUUUUCK YOU'RE SO FAT STOP BEING FAT
Obviously this has changed in our body-positive late '10s to now.
LyraV
This made me think less of breasts and more of like...fishing bobbers
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Titstick is non toxic but please don't eat it.
gellaho
And, now that the sex is over, time for Galen to describe her body the way a serial killer might
FancyShark
Ew
Badgerman
That sexiest of words, "bifurcation"
gellaho
Anyway, she gives him a note
Brendan
You appear fertile, human female. You have pleased Galen this day.
gellaho
Onto part 4
FancyShark
Every sexual encounter should end with the exchange of notes
Badgerman
Couldn't have just left a message cube in the mail, huh
Oh I do not want to know what this guy thinks about the concept of rebirth
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And everyone knows the most attractive part of the woman is the clavicle.
1000 Space GDCs
Galen looks at her like a butcher looking at cuts of meat
Brendan
Uh...I cop to that being my thing. Tarantino me if you must.
Shit, am I this author? FUCK!
FancyShark
That's where, if the baby's a preemee, you put it back
gellaho
We begin with a flashback to Sam's parents' murder suicide
Badgerman
Gotta give it more time to cook
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
We just got closer to being best friends.
gellaho
This is setup like we are going to learn the secrets to Sam's past before he became a robot
But this is really it besides his actual name
Brendan
I'm going to need to see your clavicles first.
gellaho
Sam goes through physical therapy, even though he is a robot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Is......Sam a boybot? Did Galen build himself a Robin?!
FancyShark
Every child of murder-suicide parents grows up to tell terrible jokes
Badgerman
Its visage was elementary, dear Watson
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I hate so much of this.
gellaho
So then there's a long section where Alves gets married to Ghanee, and there is an attack on the underground compound
But Sam just murders all the mercenaries and they don't get away with anything
So it's kind of pointless
FancyShark
lol
1000 Space GDCs
the 'bot is an evangelical self-help holoist
LyraV
There is definitely an Alkaline Trio song about kissing the curve of someones clavicle.
Badgerman
A good clavicle can hit the spot every once in a while, I'll concede
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's really sad that this author couldn't even make a killer boybot mangling marauding mercenaries interesting enough to read
gellaho
But, before I skip over it entirely, have fun with this
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
NO.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Galen. NO.
gellaho
He has a murderous flashback to his mom dying, so he beats one to a pulp. But there is much more weird stuff later
godless juice jakesy
What are you doing step cousin?
FancyShark
MENTALLY IMPAIRED step cousin
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
NO. Galen! NO! BAD!
1000 Space GDCs
this fucking author
Brendan
Ghanne Tollersrud-Alves is a real "I fucked my cousin but in the privileged way" name.
Badgerman
Burn this fucking book, man. This is a crime on paperback
gellaho
Possibly before, but who knows
1000 Space GDCs
block.jpg
gellaho
It was caused by some kind of experimental medicine nobody tested
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
spritzes space hitman with water bottle
gellaho
Anyway, Part 5
LyraV
Yes please cleanse that bit from my brain part five, I'm sure it can only get better from here.
godless juice jakesy
Also this author for sure at some point was talking about his past to someone with a story like " so I was at my cousins getting a handjob like you guys know about" and just got horrified silence in return
Badgerman
Did this fucking guy really slip in the old "vaccines make you mentally impaired" song and dance again thinking nobody would notice
gellaho
So anyway, Alves kidnaps a scientist's family to get him to make him cyborgs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Chapter Six: Enter the Fuckstrich!
gellaho
Turns out the ugly aunt is involved
Badgerman
There's enough wiggle room for that not to be the case but I don't trust this fucking guy
FancyShark
Allegedly
Brendan
Sci-fi is rife with libertarianism because sci-fi is "I'm smart but like...math is a pain in the neck, so I prefer to just make things work how I wish they would."
Badgerman
Oh naturally, physical beauty is a handy yardstick for moral purity
gellaho
Here's the aunt getting murdered
FancyShark
Holy shit, did we find plot?
gellaho
If you are wondering if we find out what is wrong with the cryo-sleepers, you should know that we don't
gellaho
Badgerman
Awesome. I'll stop holding my breath
Also, Frankenstein Monsters
Neither the monster nor the doctor, but the brand
gellaho
There's been a plot, but it's about Alves taking over the Voorhees business and is boring as sin
LyraV
Possibly, mayhap, perchance
FancyShark
Egads. Thank you for skipping it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I'm thinking this media studies PhD didn't read Frankenstein either
Badgerman
He didn't read it, he studied it. It's like reading but smarter.
godless juice jakesy
Ackshully it's Frankenstein's monster, Frankenstein is the doctor
gellaho
Ah, I almost forgot about the police chief fighting his crazy cyborg
FancyShark
lol, dammit, scooped by @godless juice jakesy
gellaho
Also that cyborg's are supposed to have yellow eyes for some reason
Badgerman
Sure. Why not
gellaho
Oh, also that the police chief has psychic powers
FancyShark
hahaha
Sure. That might as well happen
Badgerman
Fucking
gellaho
godless juice jakesy
The REAL Hasham Fedlet
Badgerman
Put some tropes back, man. That's way too many.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I pronounce it like Frank en Steen anyway.
1000 Space GDCs
he can tell the loose cannon detective to turn in his badge and gun with his brain
gellaho
Seems like a flaw
FancyShark
The cyborg is trying to communicate something. But what?
Badgerman
"My Legend of Zelda boss weakspots! Nooooo!"
gellaho
Badgerman
Hate
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ahhh my eyes! Why did I stand here and let you shoot my eyes?! My mecha hubris!
1000 Space GDCs
Come To Dadder is my favorite aphex twin song
LyraV
Please don't it's somehow worse than any other thing
godless juice jakesy
Lol come to dadder Jesus fuck can someone come melt my eyes so I don't have to ever read that again
gellaho
Keeping the brain seems like a real bad choice
FancyShark
Sinny?
SINNY?
gellaho
no idea
Badgerman
CinemaSinnys
FancyShark
I'm starting to think Dr. Kenny was lashing out at slang as a concept
1000 Space GDCs
it's like he's trying to mix technobabbble with clockwork orange slang
gellaho
Anyway, time for the environmentalism story to start
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Okay I can see how a total dingus would arrive at sinny but fuck you Dr Kenny.
Badgerman
Fucking of course
1000 Space GDCs
oh good, another plot
godless juice jakesy
He's for sure making me want to commit ultraviolence
gellaho
Except that Kenneth decided to make the environmental statement about a planet that is a literal hell hole
gellaho
I should say that Alves has factories on this planet and he's gone there to hide out or something
That's also where they are producing the cyborgs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fedalf just needs to use Panzer Kunst.
Badgerman
It's like Vince Russo wrote a sci fi novel. Every character, every idiom, every conceit is designed to throw off expectations and annoy the reader.
1000 Space GDCs
We get it, Doctor Kenneth, you have a doctorate.
gellaho
Sounds fine, who cares?
godless juice jakesy
Just having to read every persons name, which is Amodelleo Wurstkuche-Thingamabobbber, is enough to make me hate everything this author stands for
Badgerman
It really sounds like environmentalism is kind of a solved problem here
gellaho
Again, who gives a shit
FancyShark
For real, I would love to know there's a Planet Acheron and it's where all the cool shit comes from
1000 Space GDCs
Wait this is a 40k forge world
godless juice jakesy
And now let's talk trade maps and treaties!
gellaho
That's called "purchasing," Galen. I didn't bribe someone to get my house
gellaho
That can't possibly be true
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yup. Dr. Kenny had 6k points worth of Death Korps Imperial Guard minis in his study confirmed.
Badgerman
You have cyborgs that can do anything and you're still firing up CRISPR?
FancyShark
Genetically engineered Steves are more cost effective than a robot arm
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's easier for BOBs to frog blast the vent cores.
gellaho
Galen's personality is very consistent
FancyShark
Kiss
1000 Space GDCs
kiiiiiissssssss
FancyShark
KISS
Badgerman
"I love you like a mentally impaired teenage cousin" didn't quite have the same ring to it once it was on the page
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kiss your boy bot!
gellaho
Now Galen is going to hypnotic death so they can pretend to be an asteroid
LyraV
Yeah it's time just go for it.
Brendan
This book is an entire season of Arrested Development
godless juice jakesy
I can't wait until the end of this book where it turns out the space travel thing at the beginning made him insane and this is all in his head
gellaho
This is how the human body works
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
While he's in a death trance, Sam messes with Galen's dick to pass the time.
Draws on it
Does puppet shows
FancyShark
Huh. It works. I stopped caring as soon as I read the phrase "rogue elephant ears"
1000 Space GDCs
in canada, a rogue elephant ear is a deep fried pastry in ketchup chip seasoning
FancyShark
Wait, his heart rate dropped THAT much?
gellaho
Certainly nobody noticed that
Badgerman
Thousands of metric tons
So they've started a tsunami
FancyShark
Literally hundreds of waters
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
All this seems unnecessary to infiltrate the anything goes industrial planet.
gellaho
He's gotta pretend to be dead to fool the censors! Because they don't have telescopes to see it's a spaceship. And the censors can't detect Sam's electronics for some reason
1000 Space GDCs
this is the intro to Subnautica.
Badgerman
Just drop out of hyperspace under the radar right before you hit the planet surface, 4head
FancyShark
Lucky them the planet of industrial waste still has oceans of water instead of radioactive sludge
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Or acid.
gellaho
Then they meet the dwarves
FancyShark
Cemetery dwarves!?
:sharkle:
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to coughs due to advanced lung cancer
FancyShark
A hist-holo, not a horror sinny
Badgerman
Ah shit I forgot to take my antihistholos today
gellaho
The reading part didn't make an impression on him
Badgerman
The sci fi fantasy dwarf is named… Stephen
FancyShark
It's not making an impression on us, either, Dr. Kenny
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ken Burns Brain In A Robot Body made a hist-holo about Empyrean turd miners and won six space Oscars.
Badgerman
Sposcars, if you will
gellaho
And now they are freedom fighters
Badgerman
Hahaha what
FancyShark
Woo! Let's ruin galactic industry!
1000 Space GDCs
Okay, I'm on board with the dwarf liberation front
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Space Woodie Guthrie intensifies
Badgerman
DILF: Dwarf Industry Liberation Front
gellaho
Just dwarves, really gave up at this point
gellaho
Pick a lane, Galen
Badgerman
Your families live in your homes??? 👁️👄👁️
1000 Space GDCs
Welcome to Space Moria
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Galen are you a soft boi or not my guy?
gellaho
OK, so you don't like Dadder. But what about
Badgerman
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Mommerino.
FancyShark
Dadder and mommer are things that infants say when trying to form words
1000 Space GDCs
if you're not into the whole brevity thing
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Mominator.
Momifex Maximus.
gellaho
Do not worry about the Robot Wars
Badgerman
Also we were one letter off from POG brains
FancyShark
Dr. Kenny just running through the Sci Fi Buffet, taking one of each item, having a bite and tossing the rest over his shoulder
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Aw but robot wars are cool! Way better than anything happening here.
1000 Space GDCs
i can't believe discord has no good robot jox gifs
gellaho
Galen, professional assassin, does not believe that people are capable of this
Badgerman
You fucking injected a dude with a vaccine nuke
FancyShark
They're incredibly loyal. Now let's lead them in rebellion
godless juice jakesy
Yeah see but that was just a Poor
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
But no this isn't going to have Call-Me-Kenneth juicing meatbags in his mighty steel fists and yelling "BIG JOBS!'/" because Dr Kenny doesn't fuck.
gellaho
How dare Fedalf not know everything about an entire planet
godless juice jakesy
Doesn't count
Badgerman
Encyclopedia Cube was but one of many beta names before they settled on Brown
LyraV
Sick burn on Fedalf.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This asshole just described Space Marines.
gellaho
So, anyway, the werewolves are a combination of wolfmen and humans, some kind of manwolfman
godless juice jakesy
Cool Ranch Doros
FancyShark
Spencer's Gifts branched out
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And now he's stealing from Rogue Trooper.
gellaho
They start quoting Shakespeare because that's never been done
1000 Space GDCs
you know quoting shakespeare is the sign of a smart person because the author did it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
If they do the St Crispin's Day monologue I'm out.
Badgerman
Space Dwarf Stephen has perfect teeth despite his space indentured servitude in space Moria
FancyShark
Why does no ultra-greedy scifi company ever factor "insurrection" into whether something is cost effective? Is it because that movie sucked?
gellaho
Fuck off, Galen
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Space Moria has amazing dental plans.
1000 Space GDCs
the outlaw legal entities?
gellaho
This is very descriptive, I know exactly what they look like
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Outlaw but the space feds let it happen?
FancyShark
JUMPIN' JESUS!
Brendan
WEREMEN OF MARS
gellaho
He says that a couple of times
1000 Space GDCs
jimminy jillikers!
godless juice jakesy
I dunno I bet those werewolves don't fuck their slow cousins, who are the REAL monsters here?
gellaho
Fuck off, Galen
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
BY THE HOARY HOSTS OF HOGGOTH! THE EMPYREAN MAN-WOLVES ARE UPON US!
1000 Space GDCs
Galen Voorhees and the Werewolves from Mars
gellaho
Might as well steal some Star Trek terminology
Brendan
Sorry your planet can't get it up anymore.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Uhm......Dr Kenny? The fuck does Class M mean?
Meaty?
LyraV
damn it Brendan I almost spilled the bong that was too funny
gellaho
WHO FUCKING CARES
gellaho
You already said that the constant volcanic eruptions spew out toxic fumes anyway
FancyShark
We're never getting that cyborg fight, are we?
godless juice jakesy
Oh wait I get it, the planet is Earth!
Badgerman
When you said you were skipping a bunch of stuff I really thought this would be one of the shorter Book Cages
LyraV
I swear if Space Whales start sailing in on weird symbols I'm out.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Dr Kenny is a tedious fuck. That guy who encouraged him should be shot.
gellaho
So anyway, they enter some tunnels to get to the factory
Brendan
You maniacs! You plasticked it up!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
With a nail gun.
Brendan
AHHH GoddamnoualltoHELL
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Modified to fire dildos.
Hot ones
Made of glass.
gellaho
Alves gets an information cube about Sam's previous life from a mysterious information broker
FancyShark
Don't tell Keiko
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Information cube is a hell of a way to describe a cardboard box with files in it.
gellaho
If you think that's vague and convenient, well
FancyShark
Boswash means Boston/Washington, doesn't it?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Boswash sounds like an old timey expression.
FancyShark
DOESN'T IT
godless juice jakesy
Penetrating
Sucking
Brendan
A common mistake, but it's all boswash.
godless juice jakesy
Ingratiating herself
gellaho
So the rebels fight some robots and some dims
LyraV
If a dude told me he had a 'remarkable talent for penetrating business' I would assume it had something to do with his penis. I could be wrong.
Badgerman
Yadda yadda yadda, huge class uprising
You know how it is
FancyShark
I mean, if a dude doesn't try that line at least once, can he really say he's lived?
gellaho
Alves gets a cyborg made of Ghannee's mother. It's a very subtle robot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is like that movie where a dude had to fight his evil twin, but made by Hallmark and the writer forgot the premise because they took too many benzos.
godless juice jakesy
Which of the dozen Ghaneees is this
gellaho
It doesn't exactly go well
gellaho
FancyShark
What large plot holes you have, Grandmother
Badgerman
Ahh, the learning disability helps her spot the impostor mommer
FancyShark
hmm, that came out dirtier than I meant
LyraV
There's nothing wrong with being into plot holes, it's kind of why we're all here in a way.
gellaho
Then the robot goes crazy and well
Badgerman
When did Tom Hanks get here
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Watch these GMILFs go wild on each other's plot holes!"
FancyShark
A robot is pummeling a mentally impaired woman. Thank you, Dr. Kenny.
LyraV
This escalated quickly.
gellaho
The normal scientist reacts most humanly to this tragedy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is the worst chapter of Battle Angel Alita ever.
Badgerman
Man this book sucks
1000 Space GDCs
My Grandma The Cyborg
FancyShark
Jesus, the robot murdered the mentally impaired woman
gellaho
Then Hanks ninja throws a syringe to escape
godless juice jakesy
You really fucked the pooch on this one, Castaway!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shit this is layers of fucked up.
1000 Space GDCs
Hanks is like that one boss from Wolfenstein
FancyShark
Instincts save lives. That's important to point out.
Badgerman
Can we start a letter writing campaign to get Penn State to revoke this dude's certification?
godless juice jakesy
Wait hold on I got one: "what are you doing, step mother? AIEEEEEEE"
gellaho
After much fighting, the boys arrive at the cyborg lab
gellaho
Certainly the worst thing to ever happen at Penn State
FancyShark
I'm glad Thomas didn't recently read Uncle Tom's Cabin
1000 Space GDCs
Sweet reference, doc
gellaho
Who roodied your kazoo?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Dr. Kenny writes a character who's read a book Dr Kenny didn't.
LyraV
Someone tell Baldrick there's a man sized Turnip!
FancyShark
Sorry. Weird day.
gellaho
Well, good to know that Sam's strange utterances are effective
Badgerman
Roodie-Kazooie was that one Rare game, right?
gellaho
If you were wondering, the last 12 pages is where the duplicate cyborgs show up
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also it's kinda hard to believe an indentured laborer on an industrial hell planet has read a book that old.
Badgerman
God, just fight already
FancyShark
Please let the fight be one shoots the other
Do it, Kenny
I dare you
gellaho
And now, after much murder, they solemnly kill robots
Badgerman
Hahaha that is so fucked
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I will find Dr Kenny if he does the "shoot the real imposter" thing.
gellaho
Oh, but, oopsie
godless juice jakesy
Hahahaha
Badgerman
They just fucking left
Just walked off
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Goddammit.
1000 Space GDCs
they ducked out of the weird murder ceremony and no one noticed
gellaho
Now it's a sci-fi haunted castle
godless juice jakesy
Sam coming in hot with the timely reference
FancyShark
With his trusty shrapnel gun
Badgerman
It's the ending of Tiger Claw 2
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck has nobody in this universe written a book since the 20th century?
Badgerman
They're just gonna bumble around the spooky hallways until they find each other and one instagibs the other
FancyShark
You mean a literook?
gellaho
What is Alves' motive for all this? Eh, he's like crazy or something
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Did ......books stop happening and be replaced with holo porn?
1000 Space GDCs
no, with textcubes
gellaho
The classic entry square
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Or is it cos of the sex robots? I mean.....I get it.
Badgerman
Winchester: The House That Cyborgs Built
1000 Space GDCs
this guy has never heard of star trek doors
FancyShark
"In hindsight, maybe it was best that the mentally impaired woman died before she could marry the openly insane scientist"
Badgerman
Entry square
gellaho
Well, they did marry
godless juice jakesy
Wait if his wife is dead you know what that means he gets
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah this door couldn't possibly like......sense your presence and open automatically. Let's keep this sci fi hard.
gellaho
That's where Galen's weird flashback happened! At the receiving line!
godless juice jakesy
THE INSURANCE MONEY
gellaho
Ah, the face off
FancyShark
IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY!
"He kisses different"
LyraV
Galen knows the taste of the real Sams sweat
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"His earholes are dry."
gellaho
Meanwhile, Sam fights the Aunt-bot
FancyShark
Rocket launcher?! FUCK YEAH!
1000 Space GDCs
thanks, professor physics, things get driven back when they get hit
gellaho
No time to be a slug-a-bed
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Getting Wolfenstein up in here!
FancyShark
"I have a PhD"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
That's not how rockets work my guy.
But whatever.
FancyShark
Dr. Kenny invented rocket jumping
gellaho
Yeah, that seems unreasonable. Not like the psychic powers or your magic fairy friend
1000 Space GDCs
is a filecube the same as a textcube?
FancyShark
So you're saying he's Sam I Can't?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This one is only compatible with JPEGs.
gellaho
If you are wondering about the other fake Sam, it tricked some dwarves then got cut in half by another dwarf
FancyShark
Filecube stores a textcube. Which in turn can be stored in a foldercube.
godless juice jakesy
Hey I found the Cloris!
Wait
gellaho
And if you were thinking that Clovis there would meet the real Sam and try to kill him because she thought he killed her friends
No, that would be like a sensible thing
FancyShark
And because of the cover
gellaho
Clovis is never heard from again
I guess she just leaves? Dunno
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Cloris; Heroine of the Rebellion
1000 Space GDCs
i guess there's nothing left after all her friends get round after round pumped into them
FancyShark
This book is a Dungeon Master's notes for different campaigns that someone thought was a story
Brendan
Maybe Golden Age Hollywood is like their shakespeare
gellaho
Anyway, Sam arrives
FancyShark
That's the name of the book!
Badgerman
I'm pretty sure this book killed my headset because it was working fine this morning and now it refuses to turn on
gellaho
There are still like 25 other dwarves, the master cyborg only killed three
Galen gets shot
godless juice jakesy
Lol
"Fuck me I've been shot!"
gellaho
Then the scientist shows up and stabs Alves
FancyShark
The first natural dialogue in the book
Brendan
Only respect for that.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Okay that's a pretty good response to being shot.
Brendan
Like the last thing you need in your day.
gellaho
Because I guess he isn't worried about getting his family back
LyraV
The vibroblade made his voice all wobbly before he died.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
His family is science now
godless juice jakesy
Wait are they all going to get made into cyborgs by Tom hanks here
gellaho
And the information about Sam's true identity, which has been teased the entire book?
FancyShark
No "knife to see you"? C'mon, Hanks
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh nooooo.
gellaho
And the robot fight with three pages left
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
That thing we don't care about. How could it beeeee?
Man you can't set up a cyborg double battle worse than this.
gellaho
Have fun with your search
godless juice jakesy
That's how it works when fighters are evenly matched- they just fight forever with neither one winning
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck.
Man I hate being this prescient when it comes to shitty books
gellaho
Cut to: weeks later. Adrianna is back
FancyShark
hahaha, "Goodbye. I'm gonna die now." is also good
gellaho
BTW the only thing I didn't skip was Adrianna, so you can see this reunion was well earned
godless juice jakesy
Love, or "dat ass"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
She of the moist ear holes.
gellaho
Alfie is also an angel I guess
LyraV
He can't dissect your spinal column in a coma dear.
gellaho
Deep
gellaho
No, wait, dumb
godless juice jakesy
Oh no
FancyShark
Yes, love was truly what this was all about
godless juice jakesy
THE REAL MEANING OF LIFE WAS THE FRIENDS WE MADE ALONG THE WAY
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"They.....love me? What the hell for? One is my ex wife and the other my mind wiped cyber bud. I suck."
gellaho
The End
gellaho
The second most abrupt ending so far
FancyShark
Then the mininuke in Galen's chest exploded
gellaho
I don't think anything will top The New ATom's Bombshell, but this is a close second
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Don't love him enough to have not divorced him the first time tho.
godless juice jakesy
Lol
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Those fickle ostriches
godless juice jakesy
He woke up the end
gellaho
We have defeated The Pale Companion
1000 Space GDCs
But at what cost?
FancyShark
We did it!
Badgerman
Good god, what a battle
godless juice jakesy
Did Liefeld draw that cover
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Enjoy your time in the Cage, Pale Companion. You earned it.
LyraV
THAT was the end?! oh grapes this was a uniquely wonderful nightmare @gellaho thank you
FancyShark
Yes! Thank you, @gellaho !
gellaho
So concludes the 80th Edition of the Book Cage
FancyShark
Great riffing, everyone!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Guess I have some googling to do.
1000 Space GDCs
thanks everyone, that was awful
FancyShark
And sorry for being crabby
gellaho
May all your earlobes be moist
godless juice jakesy
Thanks I hated it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Sometimes they pinch your fins. It's okay.
Badgerman
A book so repugnant it didn't even get the gellaho makeover at the very end
FancyShark
No, it did!
LyraV
haha excellent
Badgerman
Where? I must be blind, I'm not seeing it
FancyShark
The giant face in the background
godless juice jakesy
You gotta look hard but it's on the entire left side of the cover
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
That fuckin cover tho.
Talk about promises you don't intend to keep.
Brendan
It's good to be back aaaannnnd into fedex for noon deadline.
Badgerman
Oh my god it is
I didn't even notice. Well played
1000 Space GDCs
that was incredibly subtle
gellaho
I work in mysterious ways
Badgerman
Also I have ordered a new headset, for those of you who really needed closure on that
Pickup in store tomorrow so I won't miss any meat parties
