As students at a special high school that trains them to be secret agents, six teenagers struggle to complete the training exercises as a team before being sent out into the field to sink or swim.
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gellaho
The Book Cage Episode 83 - Spy High: Mission One
What do you get when you get a British author trying to write six American sophomores at a spy school in the future? That's right, a total mess! This particular mess is by one A.J. Butcher and you've got all your favorite teen archetypes: rich asshole, simmering rage monster, annoying class clown, rich asshole's girlfriend, homeless hacker, and martial artist. Are we supposed to like any of these characters? Who knows! Find out how these hormonal teenage psychopaths who all hate each other fight international crime this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
gellaho
I have read the first fifty pages of this ahead of time, and I have no idea who the audience is supposed to be. Presumably it is for young adults, but it is both too horny and weirdly violent
1000 Space GDCs
That cover art is so boring I can't even make fun of it. Except for the guy on the right.
Badgerman
@Hot Dognus
gellaho
You aren't excited by all the DNA in the sky?
Badgerman
love the dude clearly trying to escape this shithole school but he's doing crouching silhouette karate to try and style it out
godless juice jakesy
I'm cautiously optimistic that this will be the right kind of crazy
The generic WordArt on the cover is late-stage Hawkian
gellaho
Coming up on the hour, it's Spy High: Mission One. The book does not come with a preview so, uh, enjoy the copyright information?
gellaho
Maybe ponder the bizarre nature of this first paragraph.
Ozzie
It's so fascinating to get a look inside a weirdo's brain and see the logical connections they make.
"Obviously you would just figure they're brother and sister if you saw them, but they're super not."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"No, this isnt setting up something weird. Trust me."
gellaho
That "far from it" is also super weird for what I believe are fifteen year olds
Badgerman
"None of those Luke and Leia jokes. We're heading that shit off at the pass."
Except… we're still talking about how fucking weird it is that you brought it up, author.
Badgerman
The hyperbolic superlative applied to something that is distinctly binary in nature sure was a choice
Badgerman
"He wasn't a certified public accountant. Far from it."
FancyShark
"The silver of their suits gleamed dully in the absence of moonlight"
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
I feel like there are way too many S's in that summary at the bottom.
gellaho
🎵 Let the Spy High, when it crumbles, we will stand tall and face it all together 🎵
Brendan
BOOK 'EM DANO GELLAHO
Brendan
Great, there go all the three-pointer jokes.
gellaho
Getting some "lip action"early
Badgerman
"Use plenty of lip and tongue action"
FancyShark
I'll be sporadically here for the first bit while work wraps up
Brendan
Maybe it's foreshadowing they were cloned to be the Ultimate Spies and Honeypots and Sir She Is 17 I Mean Really Now
FancyShark
"Throwing himself off a cliff. That's so Ben."
Badgerman
Haha are these children jumping to like 80% certain death
Brendan
That's not the lip action you think it is.
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
Why repress it whoop if there you feel it is.
Brendan
SIR: 17
FancyShark
Tell it to the judge, sicko
gellaho
Who is ready for an extended Looney Tunes metaphor made by a teen in 2060
gellaho
Brendan
SICK 'EM BOOKO
Badgerman
Tool-assisted slamming yourself into the side of the Cliffs of Dover any%
Well known spy technique
gellaho
This is how people talk, sure
gellaho
STROMFELD!
Badgerman
Stromfeld is such a fucking dollar general Bond villain name
Gotta get to the coreee
FancyShark
Petting his stuffed white cat
Badgerman
Except they couldn't find a white cat so it's mostly white but with a little orange here and the ere
FancyShark
And it's a plush toy
Badgerman
Build a Bear was running low
gellaho
Meanwhile: Jake Daly, humorless boy, and Jennifer Chen, violent psychopath, crawl through the sewers
Badgerman
Jake Daly: a name destined for spy craft
FancyShark
Hopefully this all ends the same way as that first mission in Mission Impossible
gellaho
Ass shot for the teens
FancyShark
"Imagine the teenager's ass, reader. This is not creepy."
gellaho
But no time for that, Jennifer's gotta kill
Badgerman
"She assed gluteously through the vent, shimmying almost erotically, this isn't weird because I pull a double standard immediately afterward with the idea of a teenage butt of the opposite sex"
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
It was Rather more explicit I must say oh my
FancyShark
I see Jennifer studied up on quips
Badgerman
Professor Bond taught her every one he knew
Also, grille
Ozzie
Almost certainly a literal course at Spy High
gellaho
Meanwhile: meet Eddie he's "funny"
☑️ Redhead
Badgerman
Love to have a character introduced with a full paragraph of bitching and no one else to break it up
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
Jeez lay off the Ocean, it's the source of all life and shit.
FancyShark
"Did you drink seawater? What the hell's the matter with you?"
Agent of Fortune
How's the book so far?
gellaho
Really laying all the cards on the table
Badgerman
That very teenage distaste for "shaky tides"
Cally!?!
I fucking knew she was too cool for those Hardy dorks
gellaho
And now, time to introduce the teens to ball torture
FancyShark
Eddie is a lot more endearing if you imagine he's Steve Buscemi in a red wig
Badgerman
Wait hold up, we're just straight up namedropping Bond references now. Getting all Jossy with it
gellaho
Do you see what I mean when I said I don't know who the audience for this is supposed to be?
FancyShark
Drooling?
Badgerman
Horndog adolescent dweebenheimers going through their spy phase and almost nobody else
FancyShark
Never mind what I said before. Eddie is clearly from a teen sex comedy
Badgerman
No one else would have this specific a pool of knowledge and horniness to narrowcast to
gellaho
Phutting sleepshot into bare cheeks
Agent of Fortune
Are they gonna have to change in the same room and it's gonna be awkward
Phut
Badgerman
Oh but when I call it that my hookups go badly
FancyShark
"Sleepshot" means "hollowpoint"
gellaho
Meanwhile: Ben and Lori have a great relationship
FancyShark
"One of these days, Lori..."
Badgerman
What kind of witty retort is that, that's just being blatantly misogynistic
Fucking do better Ben, you prick
Agent of Fortune
Stromfeld??? Did they literally just smash two Bond villain names together???
I probably got scooped on that
gellaho
Activate the belt-brain!
gellaho
Lori does seem like kind of a dipshit
Badgerman
What, no "bat-belt" reference?
gellaho
At least, that's what that last sentence tells me
FancyShark
Usually the brain is removed from the belt before the belt is allowed to be sold
Badgerman
"As delighted as if she were meeting an old friend" implies a lot of excited squealing that does not sound very stealthy
Wait ha ha what the fuck I'm just catching up to the fact he's projecting a hologram from his crotch
gellaho
Ben seems fun
Badgerman
It leaked back into his belt
Only the best grammar for Spy High
gellaho
"like water down a drain"
Badgerman
It leaked in, as if it were going down
Purest poesy
gellaho
I reiterate, Lori seems like kind of a dipshit
Brendan
Okay that was 25 minutes and counting of surprise dog custody. What happened after the cliff jump?
Badgerman
In fairness if my map was telling me one thing and the base directory was telling me another I would follow the directory too
FancyShark
So Ben is the "humorless professional". Lori is the "athletic airhead". Jennifer is the "psychopath/badass". Eddie is the "comic relief/pervert". Cally is presumably "the smart one". And Jake is probably the "default".
gellaho
Get me the most competitive and most hormonal sophmores you can find! Espionage!
Agent of Fortune
The villains name is a portmanteau of two of the most famous Bond villains
Brendan
Shark, you are such a Miranda. I'm an Eddie.
Badgerman
"How do you do, fellow crime goons?"
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
No actual lasers yet but the laser rifles might be promising.
FancyShark
"Welcome to my abode. I hope you weren't too rough on my guards. They have families."
Badgerman
Also, fucking laser rifles? Did they break into a fucking Brotherhood of Steel bunker?
gellaho
ACTIVATE RADAR VISION
Badgerman
Badgerman
Holy shit I have a use for this
Brendan
This feels like someone's James Bond Jr. script was unproduced when the show was canceled so they rolled it over to prose.
FancyShark
Switched to radar vision. Now they're all tiny dots
gellaho
Jennifer reenters her berserker rage
Badgerman
"The sensory overload from perceiving all sides of themselves at once instantly liquefied their minds"
FancyShark
Jennifer is clearly the Vasquez of this group. Meaning she's the best.
Badgerman
And will most assuredly die
gellaho
I would groan if I heard something like that too, anonymous voice
FancyShark
hahaha
Badgerman
Good thing chemical reactions inside the human body always occur the same way for the same reasons
FancyShark
"Check out this gunshow, Jake. You'll never have a license to it."
gellaho
Ah, just a guard getting murdered in his... tunic?
FancyShark
He was doing arts and crafts
Badgerman
Wardrobes by Star Trek hand me downs
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
That last line was verbatim from their unrecorded theme song 'It was difficult to creep up on a student of Spy High / Stromfield does all he can to help them get by ohhhh yeah'
FancyShark
Wait, no, I'm thinking of a smock
gellaho
ALARM TUNIC ACTIVATE
Badgerman
Alarm tunic was my favorite upgrade in Ocarina of Time
Brendan
Just some fun-loving teens shooting people in the face.
Agent of Fortune
🥅
Badgerman
THIS IS WHAT VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES DO TO OUR CHILDREN
FancyShark
Sam Fisher is watching all of this and regretting his life choices
gellaho
Eddie is exhausting. Hopefully large sections of this book aren't from his perspective
Agent of Fortune
I'm starting to doubt the wisdom of using high schoolers for top secret missions
FancyShark
@gellaho , your method of foreshadowing is very effective
Agent of Fortune
Is this Canadian?
Badgerman
Ahhh it's fine, if they fail we can always draft more
gellaho
And now, what a believe is a pegging joke
gellaho
You know, for the teens
FancyShark
hahahaha, wow
gellaho
Written by a British school teacher
Badgerman
I knew like three guys like this at high school and they were all exhausting
Ozzie
I think it's more a wish to be grappled and climbed on like a human ladder.
Badgerman
Probably verbatim transcriptions then
gellaho
And failure number 3
Badgerman
What, no "getting off" joke? You're slipping, Eddie
gellaho
It's a great plan to put two guys into the same team when they actively hate each other
FancyShark
Eddie taught Jake Busey everything he knows about humor
Brendan
Those idiots in logistics didn't even think to take the fastest route, Ben reasoned, as the floor gave way to a crocodile pit.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Just got in, have the teen spies been this much like an old vaudeville routine the whole time?
FancyShark
Mostly Eddie
gellaho
The Big Entrance.
FancyShark
His grimmest guards? Aw. That's kind of sad
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's very Teen Student Council PResident to be worrying about your future when you are facing possible execution.
gellaho
Meet Fat Hitler
Badgerman
Fucking Bond Team
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fat Hitler's early albums were problematically good.
Badgerman
Eat a dick, ghostwriter
FancyShark
Fat Hitler and his roommate Skinny Musollini
gellaho
A little boy who loves pegging
Badgerman
Yeah, all his stuff after he moved to Graceland just never reached that same level
FancyShark
Fat Hitler sounds like Dr. Doom
Badgerman
And really, who doesn't
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ive seen Eddie speak twice and I think he should be shot in the face.
FancyShark
Then you're caught up
gellaho
Pointing out the cliche makes it OK, right
Agent of Fortune
Woof
Badgerman
"Hey, check out this lampshade, amirite? Har har har"
Brendan
Eddie is the shitty animated sexual harassment version of Link from Zelda.
FancyShark
EXCUUUUUUUSE ME, FAT HITLER!
Agent of Fortune
Fat Hitler shaming is not okay
Brendan
I'm still trying to figure out which ones are the kickass Captain N version.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Really get in there and piss off your captor, that way he tortures you instead of just executing you." isnt the great spycraft advice you think it is, Spy High.
gellaho
Seems like this would have been useful earlier
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also now I want to see Fat Hitler just hammering on Teen Daniel Craig's nuts with a knotted rope.
FancyShark
"Yes, some of us were wearing these while crawling through metal vents. So what?"
Brendan
Fuck me, they've got Nazis in 2060 too.
gellaho
Note how easily Cally hacks this first missile
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah why wouldnt they?
FancyShark
Fucking called it
gellaho
The writing in this book is so weird
FancyShark
Bring it home, Jake. Be the blank slate you were born to be.
Ramb$ne Gracie
so like... this is basically just Kingsman, right?
FancyShark
Kingsman Babies. Princemen
Brendan
These 15-year-olds must prevent nuclear annihilation with five minutes to spare for their final exam.
gellaho
Well, she hacked that last one in under a minute, should be fine
Agent of Fortune
Strom felled
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Their version of M is just a HUGE woman in striped socks.
Brendan
Kingsmen is the most kickass movie series about suppressing everyone trying to save the world so the elites can maintain their kleptocracy.
FancyShark
Tension so thick, you could ignore this is chapter one
Brendan
This...is just OP stuff.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
AND anal sex with a Swede.
gellaho
And from outta nowhere, gutted Fat Hitler is back in the game
gellaho
Badgerman
For kids!
FancyShark
That's going to affect the final grade
If this whole thing isn't a test they're going through, this writer might not be a complete hack
Badgerman
I mean there's at least three full acts of book left so
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You first." Ben says as he stomps the Nazi's throat.
gellaho
That starts a giant bomb within the room. Ben thinks it's a great idea to shoot it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
To be fair its not a BAD idea to shoot a bomb.
Badgerman
"That class we had in bomb defusal, where they explicitly told me not to do this…"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Thats like 70% of modern EOD.
gellaho
This causes Cally to typo, and that's enough to completely fail on the last bomb
Badgerman
Generally you want to be a little farther away from it though
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Trifling details.
Badgerman
"Play with"? The fuck is up with this guy's diction
FancyShark
I guess Hiroshima was wiped out by Fat Finger
gellaho
The two dipshit fight over bomb diffusal
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also never trust a Callie to hack, even if they spell their name different, the cloning process just turns their cortex to pudding.
gellaho
And dead
Brendan
I mean, you go to the north pole, all directions point south.
FancyShark
Hooray!
Now Eddie's in hell, where he belongs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Well this book was short. I assume the rest is just technical manuals.
Badgerman
As blank and empty as the mind of Eddie
gellaho
Do you hear that, Mr Macho Man?
FancyShark
Great riffing, everyone!
aw
Brendan
Plant that flag, etc. But seriously, I know you kids have learned about some of the LOONIER sex practices from TV and movies and the Catholic molestation scandal, HI IT'S ME BILL O'FACTOR
Badgerman
Oh yeah, nerds love that shit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Or the writer took some ques from Tolstoy and its all philosophy from here.
Agent of Fortune
Is this a test
Whomp whomp
FancyShark
OH YEAH
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They Enders Gamed this fucker but its the first part.
Agent of Fortune
OH BOY WHAT A GREAT START
gellaho
Corporal Randolph Keene is on the scene
Badgerman
glances at collection of Star Wars technical manuals cluttering the floor in front of my book shelf
Don't ask me how I know this
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
@Brockway ruined me with music league, this man is fucking musical poet
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I'm almost certain there IS a patron saint of boxing.
Badgerman
They busted him down from Commander after the Second Gulf of Tonkin incident
FancyShark
Corporal Keene is also voiced by gellaho as Steele
gellaho
To add on to the audience confusion, this rapid repetition of synonyms is something I've only seen in children's books to help kids learn
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha they only rate a corporal? Not even worth a sergeant.
Badgerman
Must. Hit. Word. Count!!!
FancyShark
"We thought having a Burger King Kids Club attack a nazi would work so well!"
Brendan
Today the Spy Teens learned gutshot men can live for hours in agony.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Please tell me this is the part where it goes all Starship Troopers and Keene just fucking suplexes Eddie for interrupting and speaking out of turn.
gellaho
What a twist
FancyShark
"Trembled like cowardice"
Author was proud of that one
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ohohoho they sent a poet!
Brendan
By my count they flubbed three nukes, two over metropolitan areas.
Badgerman
Holy shit it was Operation Anchorage all along
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is this motherfuckers "Baby Shoes For Sale, Never Worn."
Meanwhile, this fake failure has completely devastated Callie
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Corporal Keene knows some perfectly cromulent words.
gellaho
On to Chapter Two
And this is where it gets real weird
Brendan
Eddie's terrible in bed, confirmed.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The funny teens usually are.
gellaho
He's fifteen, so I hope so
Badgerman
Don't expose us like that, man
gellaho
Figure this one out
gellaho
There's no context for that FYI
Brendan
If there's grass on the field, play nuclear football.
gellaho
Just "BEFORE..."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Being funny is how you have the opportunity to get good.
gellaho
And then some hard to read text
These weird contextless sections are just going to start appearing for no goddamned reason
Brendan
Hahaha, look at these procrastinators.
FancyShark
So the author wrote his short story and now needs to provide context
Badgerman
Love a fake primary source document in the middle of my YA spy fiction
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its impossible for me to read that font so I will assume its a recipe for blueberry muffins.
Brendan
If you want to make blueberry muffins from scratch you must first destroy the world and build it anew in the visions of a glorious fat Nazi man.
gellaho
Senior Tutor Elmore Grant brought this team together, and now we get to learn how
gellaho
It's time for a lot of flashbacks! Weeeee
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Love a good Senior Tutor Elmore.
Elmore is such a 50s nerd name.
Badgerman
Extremely odd way to structure this book. Almost like he wrote the whole thing in Scrivener and forgot to drag and drop all the scenes into their proper places before hitting publish
gellaho
But first: science legs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is a man who can kill you with his pocket protector, assuming his asthma meds hold out.
FancyShark
The first assignment at Spy High is learning how to cover up the fact that you were a student at Spy High
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They can grow synthetic bones and skin but not nerve tissue?
Why would you even bother?
Badgerman
Galling that Senior Tutor Elmore Grant expects to be on a full name basis with the reader. I mean he's no Major Major Major Major
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Senior Tutor Elmore is the recruitment officer in Starship Troopers.
FancyShark
We interrupt your horny teen book to talk about phantom limb syndrome
gellaho
Little weird to single Callie out like that when there are only six people in the team. I'm sure that won't be important
FancyShark
It really is a BK Kids Club
Brendan
Oh shit, we have a STEELE!
Agent of Fortune
"Jennifer Chen, Asian American, not really important what type though "
FancyShark
Jennifer's secret is she's a mass of insects in a skin suit
gellaho
But first, Senior Tutor thought hate would really help out the team dynamics
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its great all these kids are spies and so we dont have to endure the book telling us the Asian girl knows kung fu.
Badgerman
"…Cally Case, who Senior Tutor Elmore Trent was sure had only skated through thanks to affirmative action.."
Agent of Fortune
Oh THAT'S why she was so punch happy in chapter one
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Maybe, Ben and Jake should kiss. Just to see what happens?
Brendan
"Her dreadlocks an act of defiance" is both like...true and also a troubling suggestion of 2060 sociopolitics
gellaho
Meet Ben. He's a rich asshole
Badgerman
Depending on where you are it's already a troubling sociopolitical suggestion right now
FancyShark
Jake: Trust us, he's a rebel. He's so cool and awesome.
Badgerman
Bankers make the best spies
They steal more secrets than anyone
gellaho
But before we learn more about Ben, let's hear about a child's brain melting
FancyShark
Results were deemed "oopsie"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You cant make a brain implant without melting a few children.
Badgerman
What price Radar Vision?
CaptainBadguy
I'm just here, but I feel the author felt "spy high" was a commercial decision in what he otherwise thinks is serious literature
FancyShark
His brain melted because the boosters were two V12 engines strapped to his skull
Brendan
That's why it's troubling to be not corrected in 40 years. White people are still out here dictating what "professional" hair looks like. Sorry, but I only take style tips from men with real human penises.
CaptainBadguy
Oh I have missed this.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They kept spitting nitro into his nose but he just choked.
gellaho
Ben's a selfish dick head. Are we supposed to like him? Who knows!
Badgerman
He ran like a pass receiver rushing for a field goal
CaptainBadguy
Narcissism is a prerequisite to true heroism
FancyShark
Bankers love having their heirs train to get shot at
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"And was instantly tackled and sent to the hospital with a fractured spine." will not be appearing in this novel.
Badgerman
Also weirdly singling out Willie Liebowitz in this inner monologue. There something you not telling us at sensitivity training, Ben?
CaptainBadguy
He did the thing he was good at.
gellaho
WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME RANDOM MAN
FancyShark
Bow before Ben the Banker
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
That one man was the father he never knew.
Brendan
I mean as long as her bangs aren't defiant, who cares?
CaptainBadguy
Hailing, hooting, hoisting and hootananying
Badgerman
And he showed up just to pooh pooh on his big high school game winning moment. Chad move tbh
gellaho
Some more sexual innuendo for the kids
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Teens love in you end o.
FancyShark
Elastic lips
CaptainBadguy
Elastic lips are so stretchy
FancyShark
Which means either Ben's packing or Della has bungee cords for a mouth. I know which answer I choose
gellaho
"I have decided that you are a bad team mate. Would you please join my elite team?"
CaptainBadguy
It's not a sex thing. It's just fun to pull them down to the floor then let go so they slap up.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Della Carey is the name of Bens artificial girlfriend he made from a ham and a pair of sweatpants.
Agent of Fortune
Defiant Dreadlocks is the name of my reggae core band
gellaho
Just some random force fields in the middle of this thought
FancyShark
"They'll make a movie of me some day. It will be called 'Any Steven Seagal Movie'."
CaptainBadguy
Why don't you shove the deveraux academy up your arse while I go get this incredible blowjob from stretchy lips?
Agent of Fortune
Is this the plot of Rise of Cobra
Badgerman
Hahaha force fields so no one can get to the Eiffel Tower. I don't even have a joke, that shit is just hilarious on its own
CaptainBadguy
Past caring
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I will admit its very in keeping with a teen mindset he doesnt think "Why would I need courage to attend a private high school?"
FancyShark
Also what the author was at that moment
Brendan
I put two different flavors of teen brat in the room and thought they'd form a single team. This isn't working, so we must now form the Devil's Triangle.
gellaho
British author, showing his understanding of the American landscape, has placed the entire Midwest under domes
CaptainBadguy
"We need a force field" said the local government official in 2022. "Doesn't mean we'll get one"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I assume they are just going to Manchurian Candidate these kids anyway so it really doesnt matter if Ben is an asshole.
gellaho
Because there was an ecological disaster so great it contaminated "all the food"
But only seems to have affected the midwest?
Brendan
Musk is going to prove that very shortly.
gellaho
I don't know how he thinks putting up domes will help with that, but here we are
FancyShark
Oh jeez, that sure is gonna be a hassle.
Badgerman
You put the crops under the dome to keep the air out, that way the blight can't get in
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
To be fair, he did already if you count monkeys.
CaptainBadguy
When was this written?
gellaho
Tens of miles
gellaho
Are you shitting me, AJ?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Nothing ever happens" is great material for a spy, you want them to be able to blend in, and who better to blend in than a midwestern dipshit?
gellaho
Tens of miles = entire midwest
gellaho
2003
Badgerman
Fucking bubble wrap the American Midwest
FancyShark
Hundreds of square blocks
CaptainBadguy
Oh that is disappointing.
Brendan
He'll be fine. The bankers will just ensure they only start wars in countries Ben isn't vacationing in.
gellaho
This guy really understands how farming works
Badgerman
Labeled Tupperware containers for each state
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Okay but to be fair, we do love us a dome in Iowa.
CaptainBadguy
I feel this guy had a similar childhood to me. Cheap second hand 70's pulp sci fi
Brendan
It'd be a weird movie that glossed over a mysterious man giving him his card in the rain, daring him to become something superhuman in the midst of his life's victory.
Badgerman
Someone pulls out a Kodak and this dude just instantly starts throwing hands
gellaho
You know, the border of the tens of miles that makes up the Midwest
gellaho
Where in the Midwest? Don't worry about it
FancyShark
Ahh, Waukegan
CaptainBadguy
You know I've had a bad year and being a domer sounds great
Brendan
This book is doing Nash AND G.I. Joe.
Badgerman
Better than being a Doomer
gellaho
His victory as a freshman in high school
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I assume the author thinks "Ohio" when he thinks "Midwest."
FancyShark
They're gonna make a movie about him someday!
CaptainBadguy
The Border Zone is one shanty town right?
What is the geometry of this shanty town? I assume it's fractal.
Badgerman
You're passing through a realm of boredom. A dimension of nothing but cornfields on cornfields on cornfields. Your next stop: The Border Zone.
gellaho
Midwesterners can't help but be polite
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Excuse me, its SOYBEANS now.
Brendan
I dunno, this whole book is a mixture of shit that's real and Doomers' Omegoomer children.
FancyShark
Helps that Jake only fights epileptics
gellaho
Because the Caribbean has not been affected by this global pollution, I guess
Brendan
Who is Jake beating up and why?
Badgerman
Yeah, and if I have to choose I want that shit kept as far away from me as possible, preferably on the other side of a clear climate controlled dome
gellaho
Just pollution hovering around the American Midwest
CaptainBadguy
Why does this spy outfit need a completely average small town hard kid?
gellaho
People hate people who live in the Dome. For... reasons
Badgerman
The world's oceans, famously resistant to the rigors of climate change
Brendan
All I know is some blond midwestern kid is beating the shit out of "outsiders" which has not historically gone well.
gellaho
Aquatraz, btw
FancyShark
Aquatraz? Go to hell, book
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They hate us for our freedoms.
gellaho
AQUATRAZ
Badgerman
He's the face
Brendan
Dad jokes and better stories elsewhere.
gellaho
He's brunette, thank you very much
Brendan
Can we get the underwater prison breakout story instead? That sounds rad.
FancyShark
Nope. Sorry. My First Spy Novel For Kids
Badgerman
"Something fishy is going on at Aquatraz, kids! 😀"
"That's great, dad, can we call mom to pick us up now?"
"B-but we still have hours of custody time left!"
"Yeah no thanks, AJ."
CaptainBadguy
Is there a sex scene coming up?
Brendan
The Poseidon Schematic: A Deckert Lunge Thriller
Brendan
Depends how many fish are still alive in the Caribbean.
gellaho
Spy High: the good guys?
CaptainBadguy
Can someone link the cover I'm late to the party
Badgerman
Hahaha it's a scam Jedi Order for black ops recruits
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah when I think "Good guys" I deffo think "recruits child soldiers".
CaptainBadguy
Fucking lazy hypnospray
gellaho
Maybe an annoying guy will help
CaptainBadguy
It's always better to promise an education first
FancyShark
Thank god the parents are so invested in their children being special they'd send them away
gellaho
And that's Eddie's backstory
godless juice jakesy
Aquatraz
Badgerman
Senior Selector Tutor Elmore
FancyShark
So Eddie's racing skills are slightly above those of the race car toys that get stuck in the carpet
CaptainBadguy
"He's prodigious with one liners"
"Well fucking sign him up"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Honestly, "special" children are exponentially more annoying. Bens parents would probably agree to have him fired into the sun.
Badgerman
To be fair we already know why Eddie's parents would want to get rid of him just by hearing him talk, don't want to repeat that beat
CaptainBadguy
I feel the recruitment team need a mission statement that's clearer.
gellaho
Brady Bunch were three boys and three girls joining together, so you might have that backwards
FancyShark
"These two want to kill each other. Maybe Eddie being around will change their minds."
Badgerman
I like how these talent agents have been trained to identify proficiency with one-liners
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also didnt two of those kids in the Brady Bunch wanna bang like real hard?
CaptainBadguy
The whole team is shit, that's what's dawning on him.
Badgerman
A very real skill that all secret agent teams need
gellaho
Time for Cally. I'm sure this will be fine
CaptainBadguy
Oh that font
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahahaha boy they went there.
CaptainBadguy
My eyes 😱
Brendan
Okay now this is just kidnapping.
Badgerman
Of course, of course, uh huh, uh huh
gellaho
Homeless street criminal, off to a great start
CaptainBadguy
Oh thank god that said homeless
I thought it said homees
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Little girl, let me coopt you into the power structure so you can be on the other side of the boot! Its rad."
Brendan
Are these bros going to POUND FISTS or POUND DOWN, bro?
CaptainBadguy
Bro
FancyShark
"Excuse me, young lady. Are you a bad enough dude to save the president?"
"What?"
gellaho
And an orphan? Cool
Badgerman
How convenient
Brendan
"Greg, at this distance, someone might mistake us for brother and sister."
CaptainBadguy
Oh wow. 2003 you said.
Badgerman
Hahaha he Congoed the shit out of that last line
Brendan
This...is a good idea?
Badgerman
"The unrelated white man was not the homeless hooligan black girl's father. Far from it."
gellaho
But also an elite hacker and roboticist. Because you don't need any resources to do that
CaptainBadguy
'course, I must o' had parents
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man if I had a nickel for every time a black teen girl asked if I was her father I would have a nickel, and thats not nothing.
godless juice jakesy
There's a lot of kids talking like how an adult nerd thinks kids talk here
Badgerman
Cham as in Chameolon is pronounced like Cum
You want to try and walk that one back, AJ?
FancyShark
"You weren't thrown by the spelling of what I said, were you?"
CaptainBadguy
Wow. Please give me the author's name
Brendan
Haha, Brockway sent us an email this week using that reference.
Badgerman
Fuck yeah
gellaho
That's not- what?
Badgerman
Bwuh
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Someday I hope to be.
CaptainBadguy
Wait, is it Cham, as in Cham E Leon?
Brendan
"Cally was the only African-American on the team. She was also a criminal" feels like an ardently British take.
CaptainBadguy
Hey fuck you.
gellaho
This team has really worked out
CaptainBadguy
That is a way more American take.
Badgerman
We share the take between our nations. It's part of the special relationship
FancyShark
"How do you know you can't trust me?"
"You're a white adult I've never met"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Also you'll learn how to kill with your bare hands! That part is also really cool! Hey wait, come back! I havent told you about the experimental neurotoxins yet!"
gellaho
The author has grown bored, and will now speed through the last two
gellaho
CaptainBadguy
What is she under arrest for?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Black in public.
Brendan
I'll qualify: an ardently turn-of-the-century, non-London British teacher take.
Brendan
She hacked melanin.
gellaho
"Blah, blah, she's Asian. You get it"
godless juice jakesy
Having a cum chameleon
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Brendan
Hahahaha oh fuck
CaptainBadguy
She was the first girl to get a steady boyfriend, being older than 14
Badgerman
THERE IT IS
Brendan
He's so close to calling Jennifer an inscrutable dominatrix named Pearl or Jade.
Badgerman
WE GOT THERE
I always believed in you, AJ
FancyShark
"She has a mysterious past and shit. I'm a writer."
godless juice jakesy
Apropos of nothing, this books font sucks shit
gellaho
And close it out with some mass teen suicide
godless juice jakesy
Font(s) suck shit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
For a second I was hoping Jennifer would be raised by ninjas or something.
CaptainBadguy
Fucking amazing suicide cult
FancyShark
Suicide cult of spontaneous human combustors
CaptainBadguy
Let's base the book on them
Ramb$ne Gracie
she's three ninjas in a teensuit
gellaho
A file that is actually relevant, weird
Badgerman
Dude if I were traumatized by a suicide cult just spontaneously combusting in the park I wouldn't even be mad
CaptainBadguy
What's the emotional baggage of Karate lessons?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
We need to watch Duel to the Death soon.
Ramb$ne Gracie
generically abusive male senseis
Brendan
Now we've got Extremis. This book predicted ALL the sci-fi.
Badgerman
Aren't we allowed to just assume Mr Deveraux is dead after nine years
FancyShark
We need Rex Moran
gellaho
Welcome to Eddie
CaptainBadguy
I know this writing style, this is the I didn't stop when I got tired of just stream of bullshit writing style
godless juice jakesy
Did the dream team or whatever all kill themselves?
Brendan
Devereux is bigger than the midwest.
godless juice jakesy
I'm confused about who went up in flames
CaptainBadguy
I really want to know more about the teen suicide cult.
Badgerman
Twenties of miles, it goes for
FancyShark
Such a rapier wit. I can see why they recruited him.
godless juice jakesy
Probably because I refuse to read the "ship's log" font
Badgerman
They're from a completely unrelated anecdote as far as we are aware
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I cant read a bunch of it so I assume they faked their teen deaths to be secret squirrels.
gellaho
SkyBike
gellaho
CaptainBadguy
It seems like if teenagers could die, just through an act of will explode, there would be noone in their twenties by now.
CaptainBadguy
It's a torture
Badgerman
Yes, seize your chance to write the name Nelligan on the ledgers of history, kid
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
a sky bike feels like something a teen should not be anywhere near.
FancyShark
Racing in a book is like a drum solo. Only the person doing it thinks it's awesome.
CaptainBadguy
I just squinted so hard I can't see more than 3ft now
gellaho
Hyphens are fun
CaptainBadguy
Christ I hope the author isn't going to give them all airtime.
godless juice jakesy
Lol he thinks Nerd Academy would get him laid
gellaho
The spy school is suitably subtle
CaptainBadguy
Haha I just read the first sentence
Badgerman
"It thrust into the air proudly"
Nope. Go back. Start over. Try again.
FancyShark
Welcome to Hogwarts After Change of Ownership
Badgerman
They got the lease next after Spirit Halloween
CaptainBadguy
It had a big veiny crack running down the side did it?
gellaho
AUTOMATIC DOORS!? SHALL THE WONDERS OF THE FUTURE NEVER CEASE!?
godless juice jakesy
Bela Lugosi, timely reference
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"The public funding for Hogwarts got cut by the Tories and some oligarchs rebranded it."
"We traded the NHS for this? Spy teens and automatic doors? WORTH IT!"
FancyShark
This novel should have been titled "Trope"
CaptainBadguy
If Bela Lugosi had appeared" would have massively improved this novel
gellaho
Have some more Eddie
CaptainBadguy
Eddie, you're so laconic
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You should be able to kill Eddie right now, with a gun, sir. Do it, coward.
Make an example or the teens wont respect you.
Badgerman
They have to keep the grounds so unreasonably huge because Dory the receptionist keeps babbling about all the black ops spy ring shit to anyone who will listen. It's the last line of defense
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Assert your alpha teen status.
gellaho
Legs for the teens
FancyShark
Where did the motormouth smartass trope start? There had to be at least one good one that inspired all the bad ones
CaptainBadguy
What is the mission? Have we got that far?
FancyShark
Groucho?
Badgerman
Probably Groucho, yeah
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Eddie: Secret Cat Fucker.
Badgerman
Khajiit wants nothing to do with this sex pest
CaptainBadguy
She was gorgeous, Chinese American, long tail.
gellaho
This is how fifteen year olds talk
godless juice jakesy
"Mind if I gaze at your snatch?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I feel like its the self insert character for authors who never shut up as kids, but also werent funny. The Dennis Millers of the world.
FancyShark
"So, how about that Great Leap Forward?"
Badgerman
Why didn't he just make all these characters actual young adults if they were going to flirt this often and this badly
CaptainBadguy
The author taught 15 year olds I suspect
gellaho
And some pointless holograms, why not
godless juice jakesy
Oh god this author is just going to fetishize Asian chicks all book huh
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
One of them is Tupac.
Badgerman
"Holograms", exposited the receptionist
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Another? Carrie Fisher.
FancyShark
Kinda seems like holograms could render all this spy bullshit obsolete, but you do you, author
Brendan
Pop culture really hit its singularity right before the pollution forced everyone to stop making art and get to work in the 2020s.
CaptainBadguy
Gu-gu-gu-ghosts hopefully cried the audience
Badgerman
I'm so sad we'll never get a Carrie and Tupac buddy cop movie now
gellaho
And a pointless elevator disguised as an office
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Not unless those philistines at Disney answer my letters anyway.
Brendan
This description definitely sidles closer to Jade the Dominatrix vibes.
CaptainBadguy
It even looks like it was written in the 80's. Wow.
Badgerman
"Caressing their keyboards" is just. An awful image
godless juice jakesy
Lol yeah this is just Hogwarts for business majors
CaptainBadguy
It would have been fucking hilarious if grant had just slammed the door on the second person.
gellaho
That does track for Eddie
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
CIA training as imagined by Alan Dulles.
CaptainBadguy
WHAT THE FUCK WHAT
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Okay fuck you, Cartoon Network is not going to be around in 2060
CaptainBadguy
No, We do not get the fucking cartoon network here. Get the fuck out.
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
Not the GIC that's something different.
FancyShark
"We have acronyms for things that have pointlessly long names"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You just lost me, goodbye suspension of disbelief for this teen spy novel.
Ramb$ne Gracie
garish Italian cock
gellaho
Everything's coming up Eddie
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"We are a Nickelodeon school and proud of it, sir!"
gellaho
It's in America
CaptainBadguy
Your thumb is the best thing on that page.
godless juice jakesy
Lol
Badgerman
Disco makes a huge comeback in 2060
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
Grandiose Iridescent Crustacean
FancyShark
Information is only gathered here. Analysis, Interpretation, Assembly and Relaying are separate departments
gellaho
Well, cropping didn't work. That's fine
godless juice jakesy
Eddie's about to steal her used gym shorts
Ramb$ne Gracie
Great Industrial Cloaca
gellaho
I am a giant
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
A veritable titan of book stuff.
CaptainBadguy
You're great at astronomy?
gellaho
Look, it's fair. Everyone gets a turn
Brendan
Everything I know about Eddie is all I know about Rupert Harrypotterfriend
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Generally Iridescent Crackers
godless juice jakesy
Lol
Brendan
What's his name? Ron
CaptainBadguy
Hauling a mirror around
FancyShark
Guys, It's Classified
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I really dont like it when the4 author applies the phrase "lissom charms" to 15 year old girls.
Badgerman
Dragging out the most tasteless stereotype of the Irish possible is about right for an English author
godless juice jakesy
"The blonde white girl is also hot, and the black chick has hair"
CaptainBadguy
No plain chicks
gellaho
If you take a shot every time he describes Jake as animalistic, you'd already be dead
CaptainBadguy
Not too much, he might fuck me.
Wait
Brendan
See? Ron Weasley
CaptainBadguy
Every character is a child
Brendan
I think it's mostly from the perspective of horny teen boys.
Badgerman
This is a very Ed Sheeran role tbh
FancyShark
C'mon, Jake. Be a werewolf. Be something other than And The Rest
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Us dome raised midwesterners are so primal, what with living in the wild...........under domes.
Ramb$ne Gracie
just thinking out loud here, but they could have cast someone better
CaptainBadguy
Oh who is the villain.
gellaho
James Bond could be real in this universe for all I know
FancyShark
Crammed into tens of miles of doming
Ramb$ne Gracie
people get their jobs in mysterious ways
godless juice jakesy
Wait it's actually named after James Bond
CaptainBadguy
Cos the author wrote this in a post Alan rickman world but you better believe you're getting a pre Bela Lugosi villain
Badgerman
How cool was that, audience??? 😀
gellaho
Indeedy doodily
godless juice jakesy
I thought it was just going to be a stupid coincidence
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I remember when I brought down my first wild dome fungusaur with a sharp stick and my teeth.
Brendan
This book namedrops disco but worries teens reading a spy novel won't know who 007 is.
Badgerman
Hahaha I think all the team names namedrop fictional spies. Solo is definitely a Man From UNCLE reference
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
God I hope James Bond isnt real in any universe.
CaptainBadguy
Oh, how old was the author in 2003
Badgerman
Who fucking runs this school, Star Lord
FancyShark
I remember when there were corn whales as far as the eye could see. Unless it was sunny and you could see the other side of the dome.
gellaho
First conversation went great
godless juice jakesy
That's like naming your books beatnik coffee shop after Jack Kerouac
FancyShark
Or your vomit-stained motel after Charles Bukowski
godless juice jakesy
WAIT THATS SIMON HAWKE'S MUSIC
Brendan
47. How old is that in metric?
Badgerman
Or your vomit-stained motel after Jack Kerouac
gellaho
Time for some teenage sexual betting shenanigans
Badgerman
"female"
CaptainBadguy
25 if he smokes
Badgerman
We got there
Brendan
They didn't even do Flynn!
FancyShark
How to tell the author is a sex pest in the fewest number of letters
gellaho
Just squeeze in some genetic engineering
FancyShark
Genetic squeezin's are the best
Badgerman
I think we can safely say, "what do you think of the boys?"
godless juice jakesy
Ah yes now time for the group shower scene
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"They're 15 year old boys, so they are basically fungoid mutants. Why, what do you think of them?"
godless juice jakesy
Followed by the pillow fight
FancyShark
Women only discuss men when alone. This author gets it.
CaptainBadguy
Who knows what may happen "if genetics gets out of hand"
gellaho
This team is really coming together
FancyShark
Sick burn?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh Lori is the one who will need an IUD and some helpful diagrams before very long.
CaptainBadguy
I wish I had strong brooding features. I think that means a big nose and thick eyebrows
Badgerman
"Oh, they'll think you're so nice, Lori :TheFeasterBunny: "
gellaho
To be fair Lori, those are the only two things you've done so far
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
I read it as 'Jakes strong boring features'
FancyShark
It does? Fuck yeah!
CaptainBadguy
What, that's some tone.
godless juice jakesy
Girls famously go to the secret spy academy to get wifed up
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yay we get to establish TWO negative stereotypes at once!
gellaho
These are the qualities you want in a spy
FancyShark
Sure. That's why every lady spy has a dowry
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Thats efficient!
CaptainBadguy
The tone conveyed Lori was there to find a secret agent boyfriend, get captured and rescued. It was slightly high pitched.
godless juice jakesy
It's why you never hear of women becoming spies for China or Russia, they can't stop getting married during training!
Badgerman
"What foul artifice is this?! Green fire?!?"
Ramb$ne Gracie
it's Big Trouble all over again
Badgerman
God I wish
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Jennifer using her ASIAN MAGICS.
Ramb$ne Gracie
David Lo Pan is chasing her
gellaho
This is a rollercoaster ride
godless juice jakesy
Definitely provide the names and locations of your loved ones, that won't backfire in the spy game
gellaho
First rage at National Counselors R Us
FancyShark
If Jennifer morphed into a dragon, I'd ignore the racism because it'd be rad
gellaho
then confusion
Badgerman
Oh fuck what happened to Old Pittsburgh
Am I gonna have to move in a few decades
FancyShark
Still there. People just don't like it.
Badgerman
Oh
Well fuck them too, then
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lori: Kinda stupid. Jennifer: Will cut you if you touch her shit. Callie: Does machines?
CaptainBadguy
Then a hoverbus crashed though the ceiling of the whatever this scene is.
Badgerman
Callie's a regular Cham machine
godless juice jakesy
You need a red mage in your party probably but this might be ok
gellaho
THE FUTURE
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
MOON COLONY!
FancyShark
"We are Delta Air"
gellaho
Lori thinks God might be running this spy school
Badgerman
Just replace the entire first quarter of this book with Steele sabotaging these children and then bitching them out for letting themselves get sabotaged and it'd already be so much more tolerable
CaptainBadguy
The produce of the sea beds
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Delta Air, no serious crashes since at least six months ago! THE FUTURE IS NOW!"
Badgerman
"God without the beard" just sounds like Richard Branson
FancyShark
I think this author read Otherland and thought "That looks easy"
Brendan
Aquaculture is dope though.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Krill patties for all!
CaptainBadguy
I want a Namor Movie.
But I won't watch a 3 hour black panther for a cameo
Badgerman
The Sub-Mariner!
gellaho
Ah, so the school invented Fat Hitler
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Well it seems Lori and Eddie are going to pair off if only because Lori is the only one who will stand near him and not punch him in the throat.
Brendan
Lori was hot! But more importantly, the smartest person on planet earth. She did all her spying from her pining lady feeling-heart and did whatever her boyfriend said.
CaptainBadguy
Who's the villain? Hopefully a geneticist who hates 15 year olds.
Badgerman
Stromfeld the holodeck maniac played by Russel Crowe, naturally
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I hope Fat Hitler escapes from VR and revives the Nazi Party in the domes of the Midwest.
CaptainBadguy
2/3 kids went back to their old life, and promptly blew the lid of the whole gig.
FancyShark
You can totally speedrun Stromfeld if you stand in the back left corner of the starting room and crouch down. After a couple minutes, you fall through the wall and can run all the way to the end and skip all the traps
Badgerman
Careful, the last time someone made a wish on Fat Hitler like that we wound up with the last President
gellaho
The Notorious Pascal Z
Brendan
I guess in this book's defense, the other two women are pretty, accomplished
And tough
and psychopathic
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
the Z stands for Zapata.
Brendan
Jen's going to betray them, isn't she?
godless juice jakesy
BOROMOV
FancyShark
Probably
Or Lori will
Badgerman
God I hope. She's too cool for these posers
Brendan
No, because Hypnospray
godless juice jakesy
Russian Borodini LFG
CaptainBadguy
I am 100% supporting the techno anarchists against this bullshit.
FancyShark
I dunno. We're well on course for "The spy agency is secretly EVIL!"
gellaho
"Get the kids in some skin tight suits"
CaptainBadguy
The dope from a dome is the good guy? Ok.
"is this really to stop terrorism?"
Yes Lori.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its not YA sci fi if there arent skin tight suits.
Brendan
The horniest of teen assassin academies.
Badgerman
Eddie coming in with such an obvious sex pest jape that the author couldn't bother to transcribe it
gellaho
Lori wasn't looking for a boyfriend
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This reads like if Orson Scott Card couldnt write and hated women more than he hates gay happiness.
Badgerman
Very womanly woman
FancyShark
Lori Angel, a clever anagram for "SHE FUCKS LADIES"
CaptainBadguy
Very womanly woman.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lori aint wrong tho. Bannon is hot.
gellaho
This is going to go well
Badgerman
Womanly womanly womanly womanly womanly is a real sentence according to the dictionary
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Field strip a laser rifle? Meeeee yowwww.
CaptainBadguy
Show dont tell
"a woman came in, womanly"
FancyShark
Oh hey, an asian dude who karates
Badgerman
Admittedly that is pretty fucking hot. The author finally got something right
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
So close to a bingo.
Brendan
oh no
CaptainBadguy
Pat Korita
Brendan
Maybe HE will be fatherless Black girl's dad
FancyShark
If do right, no can copyright infringement
gellaho
Well in a different direction
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
I hope someone kicks at least one of them in the dick.
CaptainBadguy
Hips like hammers.
Badgerman
Mr. Korita's hips don't lie
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh cool they finally DID come out and tell us Jennifer is good at martial arts.
I was thinking that space on my card wouldnt get filled.
FancyShark
When you have hips, everything looks like a nail
CaptainBadguy
Oh I was looking for that sentence
gellaho
What a bunch of fun, likeable characters
Brendan
Technically it looks nailable but yeah.
FancyShark
Ground and pound, Jennifer!
Badgerman
She jerked him into the air, but not in the way Eddie had thought she would
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
No one step in, let them work it out
CaptainBadguy
Pat Korita had a little twitch in his pants.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
A cry that would make Bruce Lee proud sounds like a chicken in a wood chipper being thrown at a heron.
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
Hehe at least not until he's got like at least one new scar so he knows not to do that again
Brendan
Jennifer only hates being sexually harassed because it distresses her to realize she likes it.
FancyShark
Will Eddie melt the heart of the girl with clear signs of PTSD? Stay tuned!
gellaho
It would be great if these sentences related to one another at all
Badgerman
Jennifer can shatter one of his vertebrae. As a treat
FancyShark
Jennifer comes back wearing ice skates and begins stomping on Eddie
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Korita should tell her "No. You have to finish him. Its the school policy on sexual harassment."
Badgerman
Two teens enter. One teen leaves.
godless juice jakesy
Eddie clearly likes it though
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I am very pro "Jennifer puts Eddie into a coma" for a number of reasons.
godless juice jakesy
It's like reverse sexual harassment
godless juice jakesy
"Oh no please don't stomp my balls again"
gellaho
Later: the parade of likeable protagonists continues
Badgerman
Hahaha I can't fucking wait for Ben to get one hit KOed
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Korita hands her a knife and says "The femoral artery, when cut, makes it impossible for the victim to have a boner in the few minutes they have left of life."
FancyShark
Props to Ben for looking down on Cally for being homeless instead of a more problematic aspect
CaptainBadguy
I doubt the quality of the selection procedure.
Badgerman
No help of Man can prevent it!
CaptainBadguy
Was Ben the jock?
FancyShark
Yeah
Badgerman
Ben's the prep
gellaho
Magnets are magic, right?
FancyShark
The rich boy jock
Badgerman
Preppy jock, I guess
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Completely safe, these SkyBikes.
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
I mean ICP lyrics might be law in this future.
Badgerman
Oh well I'm glad we're finally getting closure on this skybike business
CaptainBadguy
So all the petrol cars are publicly owned?
gellaho
Ben really sliding into rich asshole villain
CaptainBadguy
Also, the more grandiose motorcycles needs exploring
Badgerman
This is a lot of needless exposition that could have been covered by the word "hoverbike"
godless juice jakesy
Yeah but hoverbikes wouldn't just constantly ruin your credit cards too
FancyShark
Have they explained why teenage spys are needed?
Brendan
"Surely Cally"
godless juice jakesy
That has to come into play sometime
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I love how most of these interpersonal issues could be solved by letting Ben fight his teammates as a group, and then letting them stomp him until they get tired.
FancyShark
Same with Eddie
CaptainBadguy
Eddie is a charmer
gellaho
Alright, I guess we're just going to do the same thing again
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Specialization. You gotta get em when they are young so they dont learn shit like "math" or "history" or "ethics"
FancyShark
ugh. Eddie is why HR exists
gellaho
This is the second time Eddie has been coerced into sexually charged shenanigans
Badgerman
I hope the next time Eddie pulls this trick he ends up a paraplegic
FancyShark
The best chance was from Jennifer. Lori's going to scare him somehow
Like go full yandere
CaptainBadguy
"Haha you didn't callously fly past me to win a pointless exercise, you want me"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lori isnt quick on the uptake but she does learn. She'll have procured a knife by now.
gellaho
This is a great team
FancyShark
In other news, Zombies
Badgerman
Spy High!
CaptainBadguy
The news isn't really censored to any acceptable degree in this universe
gellaho
What in the actual fuck
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I get the feeling that 2060 has a really wild array of things going on that might be more interesting than these six dipshit kids.
Badgerman
:CyborGape:
FancyShark
Douglas Adams did it better, you fucking hack
Brendan
Musk 2060
CaptainBadguy
Cybereyes, watch out in traffic.
Badgerman
How can cybermirrors be real if our cybereyes aren't real 👁️ 👄 👁️
CaptainBadguy
Cybereyes, where are my fucking kids?
Cyber eyes, show me my cyber abs
FancyShark
Do cybereyes see electric sheep?
More importantly, do cybereyes use USB-C?
Badgerman
I wasn't ignoring the pedestrians crossing the street, officer, I was just using alternative eyes
CaptainBadguy
Cybereyes, you ugly ass word, why can I still see you?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
So at some point cyber eyes are going to have a problem where they register homeless people as some kind of kangaroo.
gellaho
Ben seems great
FancyShark
One bad firmware update and everyone sees their worst fear everywhere
CaptainBadguy
Who voted for fucking Ben.
Badgerman
Ben condescended to the whole team and they rewarded him for it because they're all spineless losers
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I like how Ben immediately discounts for Jake voting for himself.
FancyShark
They thought it was a lottery like Shirley Jackson described
CaptainBadguy
Grant said "Jake Daly" as though he had never said it before.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also what is this shit, voting for team leader? Command structure is ass at this school, this is the future Liberals want.
Some very succesful armies voted for whom they'd follow but only half of them were 15.
FancyShark
Yes, the tech nerd is the weakest link in a team that has a walking Class Action Lawsuit
Badgerman
Stopping just short of calling her street rat there
CaptainBadguy
I turn open mouthed a lot. People don't like it.
Brendan
Based Cally best Cally
gellaho
Gadge Newbolt
FancyShark
hahahahahaha
Badgerman
Why are Cally and Jake not our point of view characters, for real? They're the only ones at all likable or with any personality
Brendan
Strong leadership skills
FancyShark
Fuckin' Rescue Rangers simping writer
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah they have their own personal God Emperor.
Badgerman
Gadge Newbolt, professional corpse. How do you do
CaptainBadguy
Gadge Newbolt
gellaho
Seems like a terrible idea
CaptainBadguy
No pun was delivered
gellaho
You'll get Eddie, Lori, and Ben and you'll like it, young man!
FancyShark
"We lost four squads the day we passed out gloves"
Badgerman
Finger bombing my girl with my nitronails til she Newbolts
Brendan
finger bombs so you teens don't fool around
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Just dont forget which nails are bombs and which are poison. Also dont pick your nose."
FancyShark
"Stop caressing the keyboards, dammit!"
CaptainBadguy
A reference like a shooting star
gellaho
I'm not sure how the follicles are that different from the nails in that scenario
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Okay now line up for the foot crushing machine and the ham slicer, children."
Brendan
Eddie gets a cyanide testicle to burst if caught.
CaptainBadguy
Wait the what kind of nipples
Badgerman
"Detachable nipples that function like radio receivers" because somebody never stopped playing Come In Tokyo in bed
FancyShark
"We tolerate the man who made enough explosive body parts to marry a bomb"
CaptainBadguy
We just let this fucking maniac wander the halls. It's not like we do anything important here.
Badgerman
The secret to Pseudo People's success
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"So yeah we just let this old crazy asshole who makes weapons wander around the grounds. Lock your doors at night and sleep well!"
CaptainBadguy
Everyone is on the same page.
Brendan
Grant kidnapped some early entry ivy students, madetheir parents forget they ever existed, stripped their humanity into cyborg weapons, then trained these minors to kill.
gellaho
Eddie, round 3
FancyShark
Like glee club
CaptainBadguy
Except their training involves of them getting judo hurled, once.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Man I didnt have to shoo a creepy old scientist with dementia out from under the bed like a racoon at my old school."
Badgerman
And lest we forget, the wandering crazy inventor guy in question is about as old and structurally sound as Leatherface's grandpa
Brendan
Eddie needs to come to terms with whatever his sexuality really is.
FancyShark
I'm starting to think Eddie's real love is rejection
Badgerman
I really hope we never find out what happens when Eddie runs out of social coercements he can pull from his bag of tricks.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's cat fucker.
CaptainBadguy
I swear to god you would just give him a hand job to see what personality was being repressed
gellaho
And in comes creepy eavesdropper Ben
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
How has Eddie not been knifed yet?
FancyShark
Knife lessons are next week
gellaho
I do not care for this
CaptainBadguy
Lori is more in the game than Eddie.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also Lori if you know whats good for you you will kill Ben right now and make it look like an accident.
Brendan
Behind them the city burns.
FancyShark
Ben is what happens when Eddie runs out of jokes
CaptainBadguy
This story has neither a protagonist or an antagonist.
gellaho
Later, we get the most 2003 reference possible
FancyShark
Story?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Just a swift jab to the back of his head to shut down his motor functions and then a shove at a corner of a desk and Ben has met with a "tragic" accident, Lori.
FancyShark
Timely, Eddie!
CaptainBadguy
Goodby Eddie? " You know, like the game show"
Brendan
Calling someone you eliminate the weakest link feels ardently British.
FancyShark
"Cally, let the bomb explode"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Eddie sucks so bad he watches 60 year old game shows.
I hate him so fucking much.
gellaho
Probably why they based an entire game show off that
CaptainBadguy
If a character watched 60 year old game shows, it would make me like them more.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Like imagine a 2020s teen boy who is obsessed with Hollywood Squares or something.
gellaho
Just look at that teamwork
Brendan
I, too, can do callbacks to relics of time gone by.
Badgerman
Yeah what a loser hahaha
flop sweat
FancyShark
"Do your job!" I guess Ben learned how to be a leader
Brendan
I mean...Shadoe
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
Stromfeld isn't Incorrect.
about that anyway
CaptainBadguy
Cally registered someone was defending her
Brendan
I don't think Ben is on a growth arc.
CaptainBadguy
So at least she's awake.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh shit maybe Eddie isnt so bad if he's going to make 2070's version of Traxx.
gellaho
And failure #2
CaptainBadguy
Is Ben the Hero?
Badgerman
I think the best he can hope for is mysteriously hand-severed murder victim at this point
Brendan
Remember when the Eternals burned an hour walking around reuniting characters for the bafflegab threat? AT LEAST THERE WAS A THREAT
FancyShark
I do not believe that is Eddie's "last quip", author
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Look thats the price you pay sometimes to give the public Art.
gellaho
Possibly failure #1, I'm not actually sure where this is in the timeline
CaptainBadguy
Cally probably shouldn't rely on "instantly being attuned" and read the manual.
gellaho
The accusing finger.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Team leaders that shout PTSD into their hackers might be VP material.
CaptainBadguy
Oh god the eternals. Scottish superman. I'm having seizures.
Badgerman
WITCH!?!?
CaptainBadguy
Almost techno wizard was his third attempt
FancyShark
Techno-witch sounds too badass for this book
Brendan
Mark Millar, save us!
Brendan
That's some Warren Ellis stuff.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And all this to gloss over they are getting like a full realism death trap simulator run on them, which is kind of fucked up.
CaptainBadguy
"Gwan ye, I'm no fucking havin that" whoosh.
Brendan
Honestly, I'd back that version.
Badgerman
Can't somebody just rig Ben's simulator pod to give him a stroke or something
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
At least Fat Hitler is there to provide his brand of questionably ethical but musically impeccable beats.
FancyShark
Which still makes me think this author read Otherland and thought "that looks easy"
gellaho
Cally tries to leave, Jake convinces her to stay. Then, three files in a row
FancyShark
hahaha
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yay another entire page that I literally cannot read because the FONT SUCKS FUCK YOU AUTHOR!
FancyShark
I know you meant it to mean "New England" in a future sense, author, but you didn't do your homework
gellaho
Agent Will Challis is a nineteen year old and the former leader of Bond team. I've skipped most of his stuff
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The person who decided this font was good should have their fucking brain eaten by space worms.
Badgerman
"Welp, we lost another kid. Prep the cover story and the fake body and order up another of the putzes"
gellaho
Four full chapters of flashbacks
Brendan
Glimpse of your future, kids.
Badgerman
Hahaha fuck you AJ
FancyShark
"Now that you detest these characters to your very marrow, let's start the adventure!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
lmao it really IS like Enders Game.
FancyShark
dangit, this is going to be a multi-session read, isn't it?
gellaho
Don't use the word "seductive," AJ
gellaho
Looking like it
FancyShark
Spy High still sounds like a Disney Channel production
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Im surprised none of their execs thought of it.
Brendan
Ben is every Ryan Philippe character.
FancyShark
Dang. Not complaining about doing this more, because this book is ripe for attacking. Just worried about missing a session
gellaho
Simon Macey put in one last thrust
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lori you should consider dating Jennifer. She seems like less of a prick than Ben.
Badgerman
Sick burn from Simon tbh. Shame this book already has two villains
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
Lot of thrusting going on there.
gellaho
What a great leader
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hey asshole, you wont remember a thing about how I taunted you, so hahahahah!"
Brendan
I can't wait to see this book punish Ben. Cally is our true leader.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean murder has got to be a regular thing at Spy High, right?
FancyShark
If they made a movie about Ben, it would be American Psycho
Badgerman
I hope Ben gets eaten by trap pirañas on his first big boy mission
Badgerman
gellaho
Very healthy relationship
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Like I can think of at least six people who wouldnt have made it to voting age if I had access to fingernail bombs and shit.
Brendan
Grant did not screen for empathy or collaboration.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh.....Lori. Honey. No.
FancyShark
He did screen for jokes, though
gellaho
Ben runs off to play
Badgerman
Where the fuck is grant during all of this anyway
FancyShark
Drinking
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
NINJA PROGRAM!
WHy do they have anything BESIDES the ninja program?!
Brendan
I think this teacher picked their six least favorite types of student and createda Good Place to show them why they suck.
Badgerman
Ninja Program would have been a much better book
gellaho
Ben's looking for a suicide by ninja
FancyShark
Frank Dux plods into the room and explains how awesome he is
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man I wish my school had had a danger room with a ninja program.
Id have dressed out for PE way more.
Badgerman
Because merely self flagellating in your room isn't sci fi enough
Brendan
mean the author but I guess Grant too.
gellaho
He's being told by Deveraux to send Bond Team on a special mission to save the missing dude. For some reason
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also the shock suits convieniently provide a method of controlling your students, but I dunno if the author will bring that up.
FancyShark
Seems like this hologym is one step away from being a porn pool
Brendan
It's called computer club.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
We didnt have that, we had this weird bunker out back with some fancy telecom equipment the students werent allowed to use.
Badgerman
Hahaha I just remembered that the chess club at my college just completely evaporated because one dude was so good at chess and so smug about it that he killed the fun of it for everyone and man if that ain't Ben
gellaho
Goes as well as can be expected
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man that bunker was sweet. We got to use it when the standardized tests were being conducted.
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
I'm going to jump out for AmongUs but keep on with that kickass riffing
Badgerman
You fool! You have to beat Red Ninja by slipping him tainted drugs to test! Didn't you watch the movie?
FancyShark
Have fun, @LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree) ! Thanks for riffing with us!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Have fun!
Kill much!
gellaho
Meanwhile: Cally is horny for Jake
FancyShark
wait, holographic sleeves?
gellaho
And AJ really wants these teens to understand that
FancyShark
Good lord
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh god they are going to pair up Jennifer and Eddie and I will never forgive them.
gellaho
Meanwhile:
gellaho
I'm not sure AJ remembers that Jennifer exists
FancyShark
hahahahahaha, Ben's too proud to stop getting his ass kicked by a video game
gellaho
She has not been mentioned since the judo incident
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ben is going to shock himself into a cabbage out of pride and im THERE FOR IT.
Badgerman
Do it Ben, electrocute yourself into a coma, no balls
FancyShark
I'm kind of glad? AJ forgot about Jennifer
The alternative is what Sausage said
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also I would love to play Chiv with Ben and listen to him splutter and howl as he sucks ass.
Brendan
Ben's entire life is excited delirium.
gellaho
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE SYMBOLISM
Brendan
It's the only drug he knows.
FancyShark
Ben is DSP
Brendan
Ben is just Archer minus jokes.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Theres still a slim chance Lori and Jennifer will hook up, if we just BELIEVE.
Its from 2003, girls kissing was hip!
FancyShark
Barry?
gellaho
People in the Midwest hate open spaces
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah we do.
gellaho
This implies that the domes are opaque
which makes no goddamned sense
FancyShark
This is true. There's nothing we hate more than fields
Brendan
Hips were also hip in 2003. We as a culture need to get back to celebrating hips and tummy fashions.
Badgerman
Fuck yeah, bring back midriffs
Brendan
How in the world 9/11 was raw, war was brewing, but we still had no idea how good we had it.
FancyShark
Best way to grow food is to block the sun
gellaho
Just in case you still haven't gotten Ben's whole deal
Badgerman
Oh just ben huh
Not the school
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Mushroom farms?
Brendan
Cally doesn't know if she's a Jr or not 😦
Badgerman
Hardy's Jr is still an ally though
FancyShark
Hey, Jake?
You are trained in killing
You can make Ben go away
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Just saying Jake. Eating the rich starts with you.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
gellaho
Ah, young love
FancyShark
We need a plot, Jake. Eddie isn't going to provide one. And the girls are being written by a nerd in 2003. It has to be you.
Brendan
Cally can hack anything except the human heart.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Welp, Jake. You've gotten Crazy Girlfriend 23b (Daddy Issues) and there's no getting off this train before the final stop.
gellaho
Little weird to break up with someone before you actually start dating, but you do you Cally
FancyShark
Jennifer can do that. She just needs an ax
Badgerman
Jennifer will use bare fists and brute force
Just fuckin' Kali Ma that shit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Cally will be back. The author is too much of a hack to let her decide she doesnt need a boyfriend\daddy to boost her self esteem.
gellaho
Hey, look, the plot is about to start.
gellaho
Which makes it the perfect place to stop.
FancyShark
hahahaha
brilliant
gellaho
Next time:
Badgerman
AJ really Butchered his own book, huh
Same Book Time, Same Cage Channel
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"This William guy got old. Lost his edge. Now he's dead and we have to send six far less experienced kids to do an older teens job."
FancyShark
Thank you as always, @gellaho !
gellaho
Yeah, that's definitely not true
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This one is especially interestingly bonkers.
Badgerman
Oh he definitely did not avoid any beatings
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah I'm 100% sure AJ is a former Eddie.
FancyShark
He got beatings for being a nerdy little creep
yeah
Badgerman
Deservedly so
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He WANTS to be Jake but he is an Eddie.
Brendan
AJ Butcher: Word-Butcher.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
THE ANTI BROCKWAY!
Brendan
This was a fun book. It's got ideas but not plans.
Damned ETERNALS
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It would make a decent direct to VHS movie for kids.
FancyShark
Yeah. It has enough stuff to latch onto to riff without being a horrible mess
Badgerman
I can relate tbh, but only grudgingly
It's not terrible, true, but it could really have used another pair of eyes to iron out the kinks
(pun intended? I think?)
anyway I'm gonna join the amogus in doomed wailing for a bit if y'all need me, good book wrangling, gang!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Teen Sausage would have read this and thought "S'alright."
FancyShark
@gellaho , what are the plans for book reads around the holidays? Is there one happening on the 23rd?
Later, @Badgerman !
FancyShark
Asking just because I'm going to end up missing next week's read and if there's one on the 23rd, I'll miss that one too
Regardless, have a good night, everyone! See you tomorrow!
gellaho
Spoiler alert for next time
Brendan
Actually Averill is the doctor. Ben is the monster.
Thank you for your hard work, Jelly Ho.
gellaho
The Book Cage - Episode 83 Cont'd Spy High: Mission One Part 2
This week we will begin Part 2 of Spy High, featuring 6 of the most hateable characters I've ever seen. Reminder: rich asshole, simmering rage monster, annoying class clown, rich asshole's girlfriend, homeless hacker, and martial artist. How will these terrible teens defeat the newly arrived plot? How much weirder will l A. J. Butcher get? How did this series have so many sequels? Find out the answers to some of these questions, Friday 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Badgerman
Oh my god there's a character and a book later in the series titled Agent Orange
A.J. no
EvilJ(Naboo had it coming)
I read that book as a kid. It was in our school library.
At the time I thought it was weird
gellaho
It has the same level of sexual pranks as you might expect in an 80s movie
gellaho
A little under an hour until Spy High: Mission One Part 2
gellaho
As a reminder, here's where we were
gellaho
And obviously no preview, so here's where we will be
Badgerman
"We feel that your central problem at this time […] is one of teamwork"
Brendan
ALRIGHT LET'S SPY ON SOME TEENS WAIT NO DON'T
gellaho
Time to continue the process
FancyShark
I can't wait to see how Eddie will earn our hatred today
Badgerman
Sneaky Karate Pose!
gellaho
Hope you paid attention to the weird news reports from last time. Or you'll have no idea what the Wildscape is.
gellaho
I certainly don't
Brendan
This book missed the gloriously stupid and impractical YA window meant for it by like five years.
Badgerman
Just buy a fucking playboy at the gas station on the way out to the woods, Eddie. Jesus
gellaho
There are like a dozen books in this series, so I don't think he's hurting
FancyShark
They're really pushing the budget just to murder these children
gellaho
You can't have your karate desert until you finish your camping, young lady!
Badgerman
Mr Korita, no relation to Pat Mortia
FancyShark
As an Asian, Jennifer only feels shame when lectured about doing the same shit the rich kid has been doing this whole time
Brendan
Miss three days of martial arts and you go back to white belt, that's basic crane knowledge.
Ramb$ne Gracie
Korita - Karate Morita
gellaho
Surprise danger party
Badgerman
Karate was truly changed forever when it switched to predatory FOMO pricing models
gellaho
That's how spying works, you just send them out there without any information and hope for the best
Badgerman
God I hope the shock is that they buried Semtex under their sleeping bags.
FancyShark
Grant mused over the countless people he'd sent to their deaths before deciding he wanted to send more
Badgerman
In respect to the source material they did this to Bond all the time and he turned out fine
gellaho
This is how fifteen year olds talk, sure
FancyShark
Jake was toying with being a Native American stereotype
Badgerman
Holden Caulfield provided script notes for this scene
FancyShark
Let's not forget "the domes" covered what? Ten miles?
Badgerman
The domessss
We hates thems so
gellaho
No, it doesn't make sense, Ben. If they had to dome the entirety of the Midwest why would this land be fine by doing nothing
gellaho
Yeah, the entirety of the Midwest. According to a British schoolteacher
FancyShark
"The Wildscape" is what Rob Liefeld calls his chest hair
His single chest hair
Badgerman
"A landscape that's wild: The ~Wildscape~"
We fucking get it, AJ, you're very clever
gellaho
Meanwhile, Cally resumes creeping on Jake
Badgerman
Also, "completely untouched by mankind" except for when we want to go camping I guess?
FancyShark
Completely untouched by human genitals. Wait, no, we can't back that up
Cally is going to wear Jake like a skinsuit
gellaho
A series of the most obvious statements ever recorded
gellaho
Just in case you forgot what water was
FancyShark
If it's liquid, it's not ice, Eddie
Ozzie
You can tell he's an educator first.
Badgerman
Jake was later bedridden and racked with pain as the festering microbes within the untreated water he drank tore him apart from the inside out
Ozzie
He's basically British Michael Crichton.
Badgerman
I don't think we get to make claims like that until some apes get lasered
gellaho
I forgot to mention how much I hate these question marks
Badgerman
Heartbreaking: The Worst Character You Know Just Made a Great Point
FancyShark
AJ thinks he can misquote WC Fields now
"I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it."
Ozzie
It looks more like the IPA symbol for a glottal stop.
gellaho
Suddenly, hunters appear
Badgerman
"Untouched by mankind" my ass
FancyShark
"Check" jackets, because orange is a myth in the future
gellaho
The lasers are heat-seeking? What?
Badgerman
Hahaha Dan saw a child he could get away with murdering and fucking went for it
gellaho
Also: the hat matched his beard
FancyShark
Holy shit, maybe they are in the Midwest
gellaho
WHATEVER THAT MEANS
Badgerman
"Traditional" weapons, like bolt action rifles
FancyShark
It means earflaps on both
Badgerman
"Ben knew that blood sports were permitted"
gellaho
But, what's your real name?
Badgerman
So are they running kumites out her or what
gellaho
Ben is very into PETA
Badgerman
Nathan Pardew was Jason Pargin's first draft at a nom de plume, I think
"mebbe"
FancyShark
You kids are spies in the middle of the wilderness. Bury this motherfucker
gellaho
When you put a question mark, it makes it seem like an actual question
Badgerman
Haha "control post"? Did they wander onto a Counter Strike map or something?
FancyShark
Ten miles west untouched by man
wait, that didn't come out right
gellaho
The author temporarily forgets Ben and Jake's blood feud
FancyShark
I hear wedding bells!
Badgerman
Cally sharpening her buck knife offscreen
FancyShark
That night, dinner had a distinct Ben flavor
gellaho
I guess AJ didn't expect people to pay attention to the news reports
Badgerman
mebbe mebbe mebbe mebbe mebbe
FancyShark
Yeehaw, I shore am a Midwestern resident person
gellaho
Because they did mention hunters going missing in the Wildscape. But, if you remembered that the hunters acting menacing for no reason wouldn't make any sense
Like how it doesn't make any sense right now
Badgerman
They prefer to be called the AIMS team, Eddie
FancyShark
If the AIMS team shows up here, this book will redeem itself
Ozzie
I get that "mebbe" is supposed to be country or cowboy or whatever but it always comes out Jamaican in my head.
Brendan
I don't know about you bigfoot hunters, but if I mildly insulted a woman and then BOTH her friends restrained her shoulders simultaneously I would fuck no further.
FancyShark
I end up reading it like a stutter
Badgerman
Mebbe he's born with it. Mebbe funetik aksents in dialogue suck ass
FancyShark
Sadly, I think I'd try to chat her up more
gellaho
AJ's only reference for hunters is old reruns of Hee-Haw
FancyShark
Holy crap, ARE we getting the AIMS team?!
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
I keep reading Pardew like he's Todd from Code Monkeys.
Badgerman
They're even doing the "recapping things they just said" schtick!
gellaho
I don't even know where to start with this dialog
FancyShark
Yes, Cally. Bearded, heavily armed lunatics in the woods can only mean Bigfoot or the IRS
gellaho
Fuck off
mackmiserable
oh man me and the boys are always talking about how things put other things to shame.
FancyShark
Wait, but @gellaho , think about it dude
Badgerman
I mean… in this server especially, yeah, kind of
FancyShark
Isn't man, like, the REAL real monster?
Brendan
Where's the lie
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Badgerman
maaaaaaaaaan
FancyShark
The subtext is that AJ is a hack
Badgerman
Oh shit, for real this time
gellaho
This is called foreshadowing, kids
Ozzie
"the Frankenstein Monster"
Badgerman
Actually, Frankenstein Monster was the doctor, you're thinking of Frankenstein Monster's Frankenstein Monster
FancyShark
Just then, a van carrying four teens and a talking dog pulled up
Brendan
That's the premise of my new sci-fi series ARTICULATE DEMONS: INITIATION -- Book 1 of the Hominicides Conspiracy Cycle
Brendan
This is like Book ONE right?
gellaho
Hey, AJ, gross
Brendan
We're just traipsing into the woods to hunt Bigfoot before we even get to testthis world.
FancyShark
The lips belonged to a moose they'd skinned and eaten
Badgerman
I don't ever want to hear about Eddie moaning ever again, thanks
From what I know of him it can't mean anything good
Brendan
Lori's hand moved rhythmically beneath the blanket, probably cleaning Ben's gun for him, Eddie mused.
gellaho
Cally must have had a head injury offscreen
FancyShark
"Blanket. I should make a note."
gellaho
There are so many words missing from those sentences
FancyShark
There are sentences missing from those sentences
gellaho
Making out really reminded Lori of the girl scouts
FancyShark
"We got 'em," a voice shouted. The sting operation was a success. The Girl Scouts of America was shut down within a day.
gellaho
"Coming up for air?" Too much, AJ
Badgerman
Schoolteacher, by the way
gellaho
Anyway, Jennifer wants to murder
gellaho
Possibly because she's on fire
FancyShark
Stranded in the wilderness with someone who can't find an outlet for their homicidal impulses. Just like a real camping trip.
gellaho
Do you like similes? Metaphors? Here's 37
FancyShark
"Thermally treated" sounds like they set the clothes on fire
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Huh for a teen kung fu assassin Jennifer seems emotionally unstable.
gellaho
MORE SIMILES AND METAPHORS
FancyShark
She drew "PTSD" as her character template
"This forest reminds me of a grave. Or a piece of cloth."
gellaho
AJ REQUIRES MORE TO PLEASE THE GOD OF LITERARY DEVICES!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh shit..........its a RACCOON! FLEEE!"
FancyShark
"See, if I don't say it's like blood, words like 'clot' and 'congeal' could mean anything"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"We're trained to deal with TERRORISTS! Not medium woodland animals!"
Brendan
In the future there is only war. Girls train to be spies as scouts foremost. There, they learn the sapphic techniques that will extract enemy information. There, they bond with their comrades.
gellaho
A writer, like an English textbook
FancyShark
Then they were all eaten by a Shoggoth. The End.
gellaho
Stone Cold?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shriek like shattering glass...........
FancyShark
It's a Dire Squirrel
gellaho
Huh?
FancyShark
Apparently they're in hell
gellaho
Brendan
You can't have a spring-heeled jack in your bigfootville!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Huh.
Giant devil bats, pretty cool.
FancyShark
Okay, I demand this book take five minutes to decide what the hell it's doing
gellaho
You know, I thought I hated the writing before. But, this is worse.
FancyShark
They're being attacked by Miscellaneous Monsters
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its going to be really funny if this is another of their VR sims but the designers were just bored of terrorists and decided "Hey what if we feed the AI these Deadlands supplements?"
FancyShark
Or if these are the hunters in costumes
gellaho
This is like the last two Steele books written by the bad man
So many goddamned similes
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its just one old man trying to scare people away from the abandoned gold mine.
Badgerman
Man, we're already reduced to Scooby Doo shit?
Brendan
Call of Duty: Zombie Nazis
Badgerman
Fuck you, AJ.
gellaho
Quivering, greasy flesh
FancyShark
These are mutant soldiers that have been out here since the end of the Great Mutant War
gellaho
For the kids
FancyShark
The rock was braced?
Badgerman
Jesus, he just has a gland problem, Lori. Chill out
FancyShark
Can rocks be that?
gellaho
"OK, so this should be easy then!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Rocks have a rich inner life and experience the full range of emotions.
IN SPY HIGH!
Badgerman
"Keep away from the mouths" is always relevant advice for 15 year olds
Ozzie
This is one of the last things I thought was going to be happening in Spy High, but at least we're past the really horrifying part, the lip-merging.
gellaho
"These were forest circumstances"
FancyShark
Lucky them that these monsters can be fended off with punches and kicks
Badgerman
Bw-
What the fuck
Ozzie
I think Billy Blanks played Forest Circumstance.
Badgerman
What constitutes a "forest circumstance" exactly
gellaho
Sticking with kitana, are we?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
If only they had some kind of pointed and long piece of material, such as you would fashion from a large, plantlike organism.
FancyShark
The branch is sharp?
Badgerman
https://youtu.be/PU4lhLN1_tM
gellaho
Looks like the monsters rebooted
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I'm not a spy teen doing secret squirrel shit in the woods, but I'm almost certain a katana isnt used at all like a pointy stick.
FancyShark
Sweet imagery, at least
gellaho
Good thing these are kitanas then
Brendan
Forest circumstances forgives a lot of cannibalism
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yess fellow teens, now fall upon them and devour their mutant flesh and gain their power!"
Badgerman
These were Donner circumstances
FancyShark
The next morning, they see the park ranger sign "Absolutely no camping in the Hellmouth"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lori gets bat wings and echolocation.
Badgerman
God can this book be about that now instead
gellaho
The next morning, Lori decides to mommy Ben
gellaho
Because that's not weird
FancyShark
Gross love is the only love, apparently
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ben forgot which leaves to wipe with and which to leave alone.
Badgerman
How about you just buy some new hands, rich boy. fuck you
Brendan
Ben is the snoot?
FancyShark
Yeah
Brendan
He's gonna learn humility now.
Badgerman
If you can't love him at his "poison oak hand numbness" then you don't deserve him at his "casually emotionally abusing you for slight mistakes"
Brendan
Lori's got herself a Benny and Vereddica
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Or how to jack off with his elbows.
gellaho
In case you hadn't noticed, Jennifer's got problems
Brendan
How is that different?
Badgerman
Jennifer let Khorne into her heart in that last fight
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
One of them isnt allowed in church.
Ozzie
There's no ending quotation mark, how much of that is her internal monologue spilling forth?
FancyShark
Jennifer kept narrating because AJ forgot the second quotation mark
dammit
Brendan
Jen's darkness is growing.
gellaho
"THE ONE CALLED DAN"
Badgerman
AND UNTO THIS WORLD, DAN
gellaho
You telling me the people with guns couldn't fight off the eyeless monsters?
Badgerman
DESTINED TO BEAR THE BORN TO HUNT HAT UPON A TROUB-BLED BROW
FancyShark
HEAR THE MOUNTAINS QUAKE AND THE RIVERS SING THE SONG OF DAN
gellaho
But these dipshits could with sticks?
These fifteen year olds
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They can break a rifle in two but are vulnerable to teen spirit.
Badgerman
It's like how the US military always gets their shit pushed in by zombies
FancyShark
Bullets only cause the monsters to engorge
gellaho
This is a great relationship
Badgerman
Same
Already working on breaking Lori's will completely
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Huh this is one of Bens "Blind pig" moments where he's actually right about something.
gellaho
Really makes you think
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Huh turns out all those simulations where we died were trying to convey something after all.
FancyShark
Their parents are probably wondering how much fun they're having at school
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
To be fair, I would have loved becoming a kung fu assassin spy in school.
This would have seemed pretty rad to me.
So I dont see why Cally is bitching.
gellaho
Sure, that building entirely made from stone is not a control post, but is a lodge
Badgerman
They found the Fuhrerbunker!
FancyShark
Several chimneys. Like a lodge and not a factory
Badgerman
Now to plant the suitcase bomb under Hitler's desk just so…
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You know. Lodges. Where they definitely have more than one fireplace.
Ozzie
I'm not necessarily opposed to boring things turning into Event Horizon midway through but this is just blowing my mind.
gellaho
I don't know who Cally is thinking about here
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh man if Ben sees the truth of reality and eats his own fingers that would rule.
gellaho
I suspect the author meant that she was madly rambling to herself
But you'd use "me" in that case
FancyShark
I feel the same way when I see a Furby
Ozzie
Y'know, those Midwest totem poles you see all the time.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Future teens really hate imitation Native American artifacts.
FancyShark
Every spy has to learn how to handle a wendigo
gellaho
What a great relationship
FancyShark
In his ridicule, Ben failed to notice the sea of bear traps until it was too late
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hey what if they're waiting to ambush us?" might have been a better way to phrase that, Lori, but good idea.
Badgerman
If Cally is this thrown by a fucking statue she should have washed out of this spy business months ago
FancyShark
Cally thinks gumball machines are trying to read her thoughts
Badgerman
Like, surely they would have caught this before now
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
In Cally's defense Ben is like right there and she has panic attacks when he talks.
gellaho
I don't know where you guys got that this was in the Midwest. The Midwest is covered in a dome
FancyShark
If this was Canada, those hellbeasts would have apologized
Badgerman
That's a mean thing to call the Quebequois
gellaho
Anyway, look at this fucking weirdo
FancyShark
It's fine. They don't speak English
"Sure, hop in."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Swung his torso........from his hips?
What.........
Ozzie
His fingers seemed even longer... than his arms?
gellaho
I bet this guy has nothing to do with this
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Anyone with a degree is instantly worthy of suspicion, especially a doctorate.
FancyShark
The promise of ham loosens even the most resolute tongue
Badgerman
Four proteins and not a single fruit or veg. Doc is gonna kill them with constipation
That well-known forest circumstance
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Doctor of Divinity? Suspicious.
Brendan
I am an inhuman doctor who lives in the woods. Please try my homemade sausage.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Doctor of medicine? Ohhhh you bet thats suspicious.
FancyShark
No way. Unless you also have pancakes.
gellaho
Just accept whatever the weirdo in the forest hands you
gellaho
That's espionage 101
Badgerman
Nothing consistently foils spy ops like the predictable British addiction to tea breaks
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah my guy, this is why you drink sweet tea, so you can tell when the tea is full of drugs.
FancyShark
"Normally people wait until I put the rohypnol in something before they drink it"
Badgerman
The only reason Bond was as successful as he was was because he switched to fucking instead of tea
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Now this doctor with his liberal arts degree is going to be knuckle deep in your holes, and he's got long fingers.
gellaho
Thoroughly unpleasant
Brendan
Before I feed you, DRINK MY TEA
Badgerman
"sup front nuts?"
LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)
Like the writer at the keyboard.
FancyShark
I'm starting to think AJ forgot what book he was writing
gellaho
A bunch of geniuses
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh I see you also read Pickman's Model, AJ."
Brendan
So they have a Moreau but he's making classic monsters and they have to spy-stop him.
in the woods where we lay our scene.
Badgerman
Just fucking sew these dweebs' faces to their asses and finish this dreck up already, AJ
Brendan
This isn't spy high, this is scouts out and about
gellaho
Sleep well, kids
FancyShark
This scene is a good reminder that West of Loathing rules
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I drug all my guests so they dont notice the veal is overdone."
Brendan
The blind mutating the blind.
Badgerman
A good reminder that most things that aren't this book rule, tbh
FancyShark
"Wide like the laugh of a clown"
AJ, wherever you are, I hope you're burning in hell tonight
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shit this evil doctor gave Ben the GOOD shit in his tea.
gellaho
"I am not a hack!" - AJ Butcher
Ozzie
This is why my spy training involved lots of horse tranquilizers, so I could build up an immunity to shit like this.
FancyShark
Their livers are colors we don't have names for
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Maybe he'll come out of this LSD trip and have an empathetic epiphany like David Smith.
gellaho
The return of the nitronail
Badgerman
A muffled boom
FancyShark
The bomb had a silencer
Badgerman
Muffled, one assumes, by being on the same side of the door as the explosion
Brendan
Or maybe he'll found Synanon
gellaho
Meanwhile: AJ has all the similes for Averill's fingers
FancyShark
There are worse Air B&Bs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
AJ hit some of that Frank Herbert shit before he wrote this part.
just a mild dose of psilocybin to get the creative juices flowing.
gellaho
Oh, wait he ran out. But also: eewwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Badgerman
That doesn't make it any better AJ
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
His obiedent assistant is Torgo from Manos: The Hands of Fate?
FancyShark
For the kids
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Please say its Torgo.
Brendan
Don't worry, I'm not a creep. I only violate NON-sexual bodily autonomy. I have morlocks to handle that icky stuff.
gellaho
Well, that's gross
CaptainBadguy
He wriggled a worm like finger into the corner of Avril's eye. "ouch"
Badgerman
I just like to watch!
FancyShark
See, Lori? You can do better than Ben
Badgerman
AJ, we've all fucking seen Wrath of Khan, we know a fucking Ceti eel slug when we see one.
gellaho
The prophecy has been fulfilled
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hahahaha check out my weird toothy ant daughters. This one can sing "Amazing Grace" in Portuguese."
CaptainBadguy
Umm. Ants have been around for more than a million years I think, and it's not that they have "failed" to reach 6 feet
CaptainBadguy
🤦♀️
FancyShark
AJ, I take it all back. But only so I can throw it at you again, you fucking hack
Badgerman
Wherever you are, AJ, I hope the Tories are making it impossible to meet the cost of living for you.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
One of these teens is nerd enough to have said "Wait but Frankenstein is fictional. You fucking weird old bastard, what?"
Ozzie
He made these guys but with grosser mouths.
Brendan
"When my grandmother, Bob Frankenstein, married Miss Ethel Moreau, I inherited this island in the wildscape."
CaptainBadguy
Haha you may have heard of my ancestor Don Quixote
gellaho
Meanwhile, Jake uses his Game Show training
FancyShark
"Organize voices if you don't know who is talking. You will not be taught this outside of Spy High."
CaptainBadguy
How boring to have him be called Frankenstein.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wait why does he need human henchmen if he has the ability to create mutants who obey him? What?!
Brendan
I read a story about two scientists post-nukes who took some mutated ants back in time to evolve first and teach men how to use cooperation.
It ended poorly for them to return to an all-antmen future.
Frankly, I think they deserved it. They had a TIME MACHINE.
They didn't even check their progress!
CaptainBadguy
I hope the author abandons the Frankenstein gimmick without acknowledgement.
gellaho
Boy, oh boy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also humans already cooperate and ants arent exactly the best model for improvement. Some species take slaves.
Badgerman
They couldn't have just started a nonprofit or something
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I guess they were time scientists and not biologists tho.
FancyShark
"Shouldn't we be loudly explaining which of us has the keycard necessary to open the cell doors?"
Badgerman
Please consider another turn of phrase other than "Jake sprang"
CaptainBadguy
The author did not have a storyboard or a plan. He sat down and wrote. He kept going when he was tired.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ironically Jennifer is probably right this second tearing some goobers heart out and showing it to him as he dies.
FancyShark
"Finally, I love camping!"
Ramb$ne Gracie
they should really send her back in time to spread her ways throughout society
gellaho
Things are going great
Ramb$ne Gracie
kumite elections
FancyShark
Hey, there we go
CaptainBadguy
No, because if Frankenstein was real we would have heard of him asshole.
Badgerman
So Mary Shelley was publishing primary source documents that she made the fuck up?
FancyShark
AJ decided to go past lampshading to shitsplaining
Badgerman
Fuckin what?
gellaho
Fuck off
CaptainBadguy
She didn't even change his name
Badgerman
It was originally Viktor with a K
CaptainBadguy
"OH OH, who is the real monster Jennifer"
Ramb$ne Gracie
well see Averill was the monster, Frankenstein was the doctor
gellaho
Rubbed his what now?
FancyShark
Kinda weird you went all Moreau when your ancestor was trying to achieve immortality, Frank
CaptainBadguy
Yeasty.
FancyShark
Frankenstein's Monster Sub
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Motherfucker is making bread devils.
CaptainBadguy
Why are the others ants?
Are ants yeasty?
gellaho
The secret fist
FancyShark
Ants are natural bakers
Ramb$ne Gracie
you can use yeast to kill ants
CaptainBadguy
Secret fists rule.
Badgerman
Christ, this is worse than when the alien showed up in Nazi uniform at the end of Enterprise S3
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Secret fist" is what AJ calls "Doing a jerk off motion, sarcastically."
CaptainBadguy
He made a secret fists at an oblique angle to Frankenstein I guess.
Noone noticed
If they did they mouthed "huh what?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh fuck we never told him we dont know what his stupid hand signals mean."
gellaho
In retrospect, perhaps these squeamish fifteen year olds weren't the best prospects
Badgerman
"What fresh horror was here?", the question we all asked ourselves as Book Cage started tonight
BlindMonkey
Pffffftttt
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
God they are being real babies about Frankensteins beast men.
FancyShark
They looked out onto a vast field of people with one hairy arm
CaptainBadguy
His eyes twinkled and sparkled and glinted and shone.
Badgerman
Like, they're just militarized surgery furries. Chill out
gellaho
AJ Butcher must repeat everything
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Guess Spy High doesnt allow kids to bring their Warhammer minis.
Badgerman
That's the educator in him coming out
gellaho
I can't imagine anything more terrifying
Ramb$ne Gracie
suddenly Cally exploded
:joehardy: shows up
CaptainBadguy
There wasn't time for Jake's life to flash before his eyes, or even gleam.
Badgerman
"Don't worry, Jake-- This will explain everything!"
gellaho
The kids love it
CaptainBadguy
Frankenstein is after what exactly?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Come with me if you want to live!"
Ramb$ne Gracie
a trail of hamburgers leading back to the culprit
FancyShark
Jake's last name is Bauer
CaptainBadguy
Still hung up on his voice recognition techniques
Ozzie
He got hit in the back of the head and he's burping up blood? Holy fuck.
CaptainBadguy
We have moved past it.
FancyShark
He's very sick
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Cally got him in a pressure point.
CaptainBadguy
What is the plot
Badgerman
Kids love realistic head injuries!
gellaho
Remember, never show weakness in front of your enemies, children
FancyShark
hahaha, you're funny
CaptainBadguy
I mean now
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
We dont know. Not sure the book does.
Ozzie
"Camping trip when suddenly, Frankenstein"
FancyShark
If Jake wanted to show he was serious, he should have shot off one of the guy's toes
Badgerman
Did- did our author have a stroke midway through the manuscript?
CaptainBadguy
Dr Frankenstein Moreau has has hijacked a teen spy camping trip that was actually subterfuge, the real reason they were out here was to wendigo terror cell.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
In the sense that he went to have a crafty wank and then forgot what he was doing, yes.
CaptainBadguy
Absolutely
gellaho
"No as in we are going to discuss the moral implications, or no as in they don't need our help?"
CaptainBadguy
Hm.
Badgerman
"You're right, Jake, what was I thinking? Fuck them kids"
CaptainBadguy
Maybe he meant "no let's philosophy"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Look, everyone got the same training we did, so theres no reason to assume they arent also on top of their respective situations."
FancyShark
"I would have used a dull knife, but that's me"
gellaho
Imagine the pulsating reptile man, children! Do it!
gellaho
Then enjoy my bad joke
CaptainBadguy
Giggle
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Aw his crocodile mutant needs a hug.
FancyShark
An entire whale in his throat
CaptainBadguy
If this whole book was a norm MacDonald shaggy dog story and ends now all is forgiven
gellaho
The one called Dan is having a bad day
Badgerman
Now here is a problem: Serpent and human!
CaptainBadguy
Dr Frankenstein is efficient
Badgerman
Bwuh???
CaptainBadguy
He's had Dan for about 15 minutes
gellaho
You mean like a lizard man? Like the lizard men you already made?
Brendan
In the future, there is only war and the threat of sexual assault. Both of these connect to rural beastmen
FancyShark
"So far, I've only managed to make his genitals the length and girth of a snake. It has no commercial applications."
Badgerman
Gene Gas
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh wait, you're teen spies? Fuck I thought you were a science class on a field trip. I was going to give you internships."
Badgerman
Fucking beastmen. First they ruin Vermintide 2, now this.
CaptainBadguy
Why he thinks these kids can solve this riddle
Can you try?
gellaho
AJ is really into these fingers
CaptainBadguy
I've been exposing Dan to gene gas for less than a days. I give up.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
What a lame asshole, does he not know about legless lizards or the kinds of snakes that have vestigial legs?
Badgerman
"Like a wondrous woooomb~!"
Brendan
The problem, kids: is people need snake men. But the only way I can turn men into snakes gives them adorable t. rex arms, which I then stitch to their sides for aerodynamism.
FancyShark
I really want to know what his human assistants are getting paid
Brendan
Obviously I considered amputating the limbs, but people want limbs on their snakemen
CaptainBadguy
I want the form of a snake, but then I stitched his arms back on, because the last thing I want is a snake.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Also like a womb, I fill it with my semen every six hours in the name of Pan."
Badgerman
They're paid in gene gas, clearly
Ramb$ne Gracie
strawberries
the lizards love them
FancyShark
Since there's no gene grass or gene ass
Badgerman
yet
gellaho
"Evil organization names, hmmmm" - thought AJ
CaptainBadguy
Why not you knock it off Frankenstein? How about that?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Now, on to my ass vats, where I grow my genetically engineered asses. See how they glisten, children?"
Ramb$ne Gracie
CHAOS?
FancyShark
Children Hospital Assistance Over Seas
Badgerman
Cliff Heath As Original Sin
gellaho
Who wouldst have guessed
CaptainBadguy
Corny Hope Against Obstinate Slurry
Badgerman
The level of ambient frustration this script is provoking in me sure is something
Ramb$ne Gracie
everyone knows transformations only occur after you accept the power of love into your pure maiden heart
FancyShark
CHAOS is smart. They've been tricked into buying counterfeit snakemen before
gellaho
Cry for Eddie on his SkyBike
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Uh....Doctor? Can I just............you realize that you could just do this with other kinds of animals? Like this would be a really huge breakthru but you're committed to doing it in the worst way possible?"
Badgerman
Non Fungible Taipans
CaptainBadguy
This one hasn't got arms ( is a real complaint )
gellaho
Weapons-grade SkyBikes
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Like, Doc.........you could genetically engineer hybrid chimp slaves and nobody would care."
Badgerman
Hahaha the clones are actually chasing him
CaptainBadguy
Nnnnmnmnmnm pchoo pchoo
Badgerman
I just threw out that gif as a joke
Brendan
Why no one make fuck Funny Boy?
FancyShark
"Silence! I will marry a snake!"
Brendan
Women famously don't go for men who can make them laugh.
Badgerman
If he ever finds out, can he let the rest of us know
FancyShark
To be fair, Eddie isn't funny
gellaho
Remember in the beginning of the book when they stumbled into getting captured by Fat Hitler? They have learned nothing
CaptainBadguy
I do not want to hear more about chaos.
" 5 seconds later Chaos agent with a briefcase..."
His creations were hiding from the prose.
Badgerman
If only we all could
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This game of Chainsaw Warrior is weirder than usual.
BlindMonkey
You can hide. This is my new style.
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Hello you freaking awesome legend
CaptainBadguy
We are all here for the literary superiority. We come here the way my ex watches reality TV.
gellaho
Not entirely sure what this mask actually looks like
gellaho
BlindMonkey
Hello fellow legend
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Dollar General Rorschach mask
CaptainBadguy
God bless the internet otherwise you would be reading this alone and look up to see the face of someone who just, wouldn't.
Badgerman
Cool visual, terrible prose descriptor
CaptainBadguy
CHAOS!!!!!
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Not yet, good sir. Not yet…
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh shit its the Sovereign from Venture Bros.
CaptainBadguy
His face was sort of I'll come back to it later it doesn't matter.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Probably wont turn out to be a shapeshifting David Bowie tho.
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Dang it
gellaho
Fuck off
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
🙄
Badgerman
Oh great, the bad guys are Redditors
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuckin Tzeentchists.
FancyShark
"I still need a name for the coffee order, sir"
CaptainBadguy
"Haha who is in charge of ANARCHY!"
Brendan
It's Dr. Moreau, but in project CHAOS we have no names
gellaho
The ants immediately start making out with Ben
Badgerman
oh hey I remember this Goosebumps book
at the very end Ben is gonna poop out an alien egg
BlindMonkey
Hell. Fucking. Yeah.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
All the ladies love Ben and his put downs.
CaptainBadguy
The agents of CHAOS are well funded in unusual ways no doubt.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And Ben loves their chitinous carapaces.
BlindMonkey
Chaos knows freedom from having a second thought
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And grinning teeth.
gellaho
F- acronym
Brendan
ant-mutants is stupid. Mute-ANTS was right there!
CaptainBadguy
Oh I just died groaning.
Badgerman
hahaha he's cribbing off SPECTRE so hard
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Thank you This Island Earth
Brendan
Our society was going hard at mutants even before TMNT. We just don't get mutants much anymore
CaptainBadguy
CHAOS™ Now with Rocket launcher attachment
Badgerman
Furries kind of absorbed that trope I think
Brendan
Case to be made TIE exists in the same galaxy as Sony's sym-BI-ote Venom.
gellaho
His eyes were realists
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
We get too many mutants, right, Marvel Comics?
Badgerman
they refused to fantasize
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
You can't stop me!
CaptainBadguy
His eyes were naive, they saw only good news.
FancyShark
Yea, then did someone come running into the lab
CaptainBadguy
His eyes saw ambivalently.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ben read The Secret, confirmed.
gellaho
Goddammit, AJ, stop writing like an asshole
FancyShark
I don't think bad news like "A meteor's about to obliterate this entire complex" is good news for the captives
BlindMonkey
I should flinch more. Make my life literary.
Badgerman
Such is the nature of.... CHAOS
BlindMonkey
Never get a good flinch in.
Badgerman
Muahahahahaaaaaa!
CaptainBadguy
Hmmm. A leaky tap can drown the best laid plans, such is the nature of ANARCHY™
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
A flinch is just cringe given to you by another.
Badgerman
Try spotting a spider in the shower you hadn't clocked before stepping in
Works for me, every time
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Nahh they'll be fine
CaptainBadguy
When you are an agent of CHAOS I guess you just have to work it in.
gellaho
What a valiant battle
CaptainBadguy
Big plan
Badgerman
AJ in full "ah fuck it" mode now
FancyShark
His secret move was to stand up
CaptainBadguy
Whole pages can be deleted from this book with no planning and no impact.
The wriggle is a legitimate move
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
He was paid by the letter, my dude
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The mutants are hiding the fact that technically this is a battle between children.
gellaho
Man, he really wants this snake thing to happen
FancyShark
"I WILL MARRY A SNAKE!"
CaptainBadguy
The gas is half snake?
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
It will be a ssssssintillating marriage
Badgerman
Will Frankenstein be triumphant? Find out in our next episode: "Frankenstein Triumphant!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"My other subjects complain SO FUCKING MUCH and are so ungrateful when I melt and twist their DNA to suit my whims."
gellaho
Meanwhile: rebel mutants
gellaho
Fully bloody and disgusting. You know, for the kids
FancyShark
Rocksteady?
Badgerman
Not even technicolor gore to keep it PG
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh how could this have been foreseen? The guy who kidnaps people and turns them into mutant gribblies doesnt inspire loyalty?!
BlindMonkey
Are they "like" sci-fi monsters if they're in a sci-fi monster book?
CaptainBadguy
Because warping someone into a snakeman doesn't give them a pension or make them like you
gellaho
"They absolutely ruined my penis"
CaptainBadguy
This is a fucking excellent point.
FancyShark
This is a Moreau lesson, Frank. You should have stuck with reanimated corpses.
CaptainBadguy
His experiment didn't have moreaus
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I have some kind of cloaca now, I dont even have the faintest idea how it works. I've been stuffing rocks in it but nothing seems to satisfy."
Badgerman
So how do they explain this to Wil's parents without causing a major international scandal
CaptainBadguy
I guess he lost his 'moreau compass'
gellaho
"There's no chance!"
"Yes there is"
"OK."
FancyShark
"He fell"
FancyShark
The important lesson here is that none of Will's spy training saved him from a fate worse than death
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Look, we put all we could find that you might want in this garbage bag. Take it or leave it."
CaptainBadguy
Imagine being an 'author' and just going 'you know, like sci fi monsters. Use your imagination'
gellaho
A psychocybernetic biochip?
CaptainBadguy
The guard who talks too much said so
FancyShark
Frankenstein lucked out that none of his captives had out of date BIOS
Badgerman
"We inserted microchips to increase the pain"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
God just say its a Bill Gates thought control chip. People will know what you mean.
gellaho
MEANWHILE: SUPERTHICK
CaptainBadguy
He also said if you hold.your phone next to the radio it doesn't work
Badgerman
T H I C C
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He put some sweet RGB lighting into one dude.
CaptainBadguy
It was super thick, use your imagination
gellaho
"Why isn't everyone praising me!"
CaptainBadguy
You know, like really thick.
Too thick to break using nothing
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You know like those glass bricks? Thicker than those."
FancyShark
Ben has waited the whole book to flip them off and now he has the perfect chance
gellaho
Sad trombone
Badgerman
If you really wanted to impress us, Ben, you can balance that nitro on the edge of your dick and go fuck yourself
gellaho
Have you guys noticed that his fingers are like worms?
I'm not sure he's mentioned that before
CaptainBadguy
"the glass was really, really thick"
gellaho
Quite a coincidence that it also sounds like snakes
CaptainBadguy
Hm
Badgerman
He's gonna turn them into Gene Rayburns!
CaptainBadguy
Gas does not slither slyly.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lori will probably like being able to detect body heat thru the pits on her new snout.
CaptainBadguy
It does not suspiciously slurp
Brendan
He's gonna Animorph them!
CaptainBadguy
Gas does not surreptitiously surrender.
It may, if it wishes to indulge go
"Ssssssssssssssss"
gellaho
Elsewhere: carnage for the children
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Gas DOES sensually susserus
Badgerman
Fuck yeah, Kombat time!
CaptainBadguy
The fatal flash of fang
gellaho
Some more things for the children to consider late at night
CaptainBadguy
Eyes are gonna be glinting soon boy!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is why you always, ALWAYS ALWAYS, melt your creations with acid if you dont intend to use them.
CaptainBadguy
Notes pages 137-146 more alliteration
FancyShark
It's up to Eddie? Well, they're dead
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frankenstein should maybe have paid better attention to that novel that Mary wrote in between watching her husband and Lord Byron fuck on a bearskin rug.
CaptainBadguy
I think the bank of computers erupted like bad 1970 SFX, with like orange sparks and white pop smoke
gellaho
CaptainBadguy
The tree was having a bad day.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You fucked it, you unfunny and unreliable jagoff.
BlindMonkey
I thought being a spy was about pretending to be a churro vendor in Washington for 15 years
FancyShark
We're not even going to be treated to his grisly decapitation?
Badgerman
If Eddie Blofelds himself on a tree branch I will forgive all else
CaptainBadguy
The tree was having a bad day
gellaho
Jesus Christ, AJ, tone it down
CaptainBadguy
The tree was having a bad day
Brendan
Hey kids, rememeber Return of the Jedi? man, that was fun. anyway.
gellaho
Maybe also not use the witch's cat simile, you freak
Badgerman
Literal pages of nothing of substance happening in the killing tube
CaptainBadguy
Oh fuck this gas description
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah, THREE HEADED SNAKE TEEN!
FancyShark
It's just a fart, Jennifer. Calm down.
CaptainBadguy
The gas popped it's finger in it's mouth and said
"Wet Willie?"
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Thank you, Garak
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ben will finally know what its like to have a womans struggles once his flesh merges.
Badgerman
Should've read "How To Fart Secretly For Teens"
gellaho
I do not care for this
Badgerman
Yeah that's how genetic memory works
FancyShark
Hell yeah. Peyote!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Being a snake doesnt seem that bad.
CaptainBadguy
Sexy gas
Brendan
Being a snake with stitched-in t. rex arms though?
CaptainBadguy
This gas is played by Tim Curry in Fern Gulley.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You dont need to look for a job, all you really need to worry about is large birds and other snakes.
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Well they did have legs once…before a nekkid chik got dietary advice from one
gellaho
AJ, please stop
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Having children is way easier when you can just drop a bunch in a hole and fuck off.
Badgerman
Ah, the depravities of the rich finally show themselves
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
You mean, you DON'T?
Badgerman
That's what Spy High is for
CaptainBadguy
AJ is like, how to fuck do I move on?
FancyShark
End the book on this cliffhanger, AJ. I dare you.
CaptainBadguy
Suddenly CHAOS
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
God it would be funny if Frankenstein gave them the placebo gas and they're just freaking out.
gellaho
Hey, AJ, did you forget who you were writing this for?
Ramb$ne Gracie
own throat?
CaptainBadguy
WOLF MUTANT
FancyShark
The monsters are no longer vulnerable to punching. Got it.
Ramb$ne Gracie
would you chop at your own throat to defeat the monster?
Badgerman
Jesus, I've seen less self-indulgent kinkfic.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Aw CAlly......you have way too sad a life to be optimistic about how beautiful your death will be.
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
How would we know you're serious if you don't?
Ramb$ne Gracie
oh it's like taking a hostage in a wrestling match
got it
I'LL DO IT
I'LL KILL HER
CaptainBadguy
She chopped at the mutants throat it had borrowed from Stephen with a PH. From upstairs
Ramb$ne Gracie
STAND BACK WOLF BEAST
gellaho
Who taught you how to write similes? And how can we put them in jail?
gellaho
Ramb$ne Gracie
I WILL CHOP THIS GIRL'S THROAT IF YOU COME CLOSER
Badgerman
The monster peeled its head apart like that dude's face in Poltergeist
CaptainBadguy
My child unwraps presents like that.
Badgerman
You know, for kids
FancyShark
Tearing at its skull, screaming "A NINTENDO 64!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Well AJ I never really thought about how a rending scalp is like a present before......" said the editor, nervously.
CaptainBadguy
Cally didn't ask why
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
You beat me to it, you sonuvabich
gellaho
Meanwhile: blowing up the computers reversed who the mutants hate
CaptainBadguy
Is revenge an emotion
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
We've blown the implants like a Hilton sister in the back room
gellaho
WHAT OF YOUR ASSERTION
CaptainBadguy
Turned and turned and turned...
Means you need to get the fuck out of there CHAOS agent.
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
CHAOS was written by the first AI bot
gellaho
I guess it's curtains for the fingies
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Revenge is one of the lesser known emotions, like Mkksplurb, Zune, and wangle.
Badgerman
What fitting last words for… uh… Frankenstein 2
CaptainBadguy
The CHAOS agents filled no literature requirements
They just came and.......
gellaho
Fun
FancyShark
Frankenstein died as he lived: unable to do a simple sleight of hand trick
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
They used up valuable letters
Brendan
Whoever writes the mission report for this one is going to be denied any chance of promotion.
Badgerman
Oh good, now they really can just tell Wil's parents he fell down a hole and died
Brendan
So I'm clear Frankenstein invented mind-control tech
gellaho
Sleep tight, don't let the ant men bite
Brendan
But was like "No, no, it MUST be manimals."
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Did cally just do the Face Off running the hand down the face gimmick?
Brendan
"As is my legacy, Victor Von Moreaustein."
Badgerman
"I deserve your love!", the rallying cry of all incels everywhere
FancyShark
"I...I was going to marry a snake!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"and out shambled Benniferi, the three headed snake person of AJ's dreams."
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
It was ironic because Will always did that to her
CaptainBadguy
I deserve your susserating sausages, look I know you feel revenge, these aren't alligator tears!
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
In her bed, after she shed her skin
gellaho
Well, even though the book said their cells were changing and they were imagining they were snakes, they're just fine
FancyShark
And the story is thwarted
Badgerman
They didn't taste enough witch's cat gene gas to turn full reptile
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Certainly breathing in this gene altering snake gas will have absolutely no long term effects!"
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
"Susserating sausages" , my, ain't you the wordsmith
Badgerman
That's very definitely how that works, trust me, I am an educator
Give your children more of my books
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Better than this book in any case
gellaho
Confusingly, there are still twenty pages in this book
CaptainBadguy
I thought the gas was sentient.
Brendan
Why you gotta cut out the Ray Wise part??
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Oh no please, not on our account, CHAOS
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hahahah I have failed so i am the winner! XANATOS GAMBIT BITCHESSS! CHAOS OUT!"
CaptainBadguy
Haha "Huh Mr Chaos man!" Said the angry 6 year old, whose parents don't swear around him.
gellaho
Secret death missile!
FancyShark
"You are more than you appear. You appear to be a whiny little trustfund bitch. But now I see you are more of a feckless, unlovable asshole."
Badgerman
Oh hey I remember this from the fakeout prologue
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
What if he dropped dead of a heart attack? Would the message still be playing?
CaptainBadguy
I Dr Frankenstein, have access to a MISSILE SILO?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Tee hee hee, I have a cruise missile in order to give you juuuuust enough time to escape from certain doom!"
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
It came with the evil Dr certificate
FancyShark
He uses the microwave and the signal is disrupted
Ozzie
If you think Frankenstein doesn't have a closet of backup hearts...
CaptainBadguy
The missile silo is on a dead man's trigger. I actually respect that.
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
He's got a ton of muties
gellaho
Those three were in a chamber for minutes with the gas and they were fine. Kinda seems like this wouldn't actually do anything
Badgerman
His legendary ancestor's ballistic missile silo, no less
Badgerman
It's like using febreeze in the bathroom, you really gotta nuke em with the stuff if you want it to do anything
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Yeah when it's dispersed it ReAlly loses effectiveness
FancyShark
"The camera will shatter the moment of impact. It was a bad purchase."
CaptainBadguy
There's some weird funding out there in the GARDENSCAPE
gellaho
The lab is also exploding, just for fun
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Quick!! Change the channel!!
Badgerman
It's like he couldn't figure out which death trap was most appropriate so he just used them all
FancyShark
There was a sale
CaptainBadguy
I Dr Frankenstein say "Nu uh, well I've got unlimited nukes jinx no take backs"
God even when he's dead he is just awful.
gellaho
Not the gross centaur painting!
Ramb$ne Gracie
WAIT
cally is going to explode?
I MANIFESTED THIS
CaptainBadguy
Oculus stresses me a lot too.
Badgerman
Use the painting to shield yourself from the explosion!
Just like the ending of Double Team!!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
AJ reached thru time to touch Hambone's mind and spirit!
gellaho
That's how you hack computers: foreplay
gellaho
FancyShark
Ah, but see now we get to witness the payoff from all that time she spent working on her confidence and hacking skills
Ramb$ne Gracie
:fentonmanga::frankmanga::joehardy:
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Make love to the computer, children
CaptainBadguy
Think like a computer
Brrrp boop beeeeeeeep
FancyShark
You must romance the detonation sequence out of the bomb
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yessssss caress those usb ports."
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Don't let the hard drive get floppy
CaptainBadguy
Much better to have instructions
Badgerman
Cally learning the way of wormy fingers
CaptainBadguy
If she stops and reads the manual I'll read the sequel.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Gently finger the PCIe slots."
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Her fingers getting sticky from Cheetos dust
gellaho
This reminds me of my computer science course in college
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Her blood is just 80 percent Gamer Fuel by now.
Badgerman
Whohoho, it shyly let her in
gellaho
Always had a hard time finding the C drive
CaptainBadguy
AJ needs to masturbate
Badgerman
We got a first timer
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Oh yes, yes! Hit my MS-DOS!
Ramb$ne Gracie
i've heard the c drive is a myth
Badgerman
Do you think fragging the C drive is like hitting the cervix?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"awwwwwwwww yeaaaaaahhhhh im gonna kernel panic!"
FancyShark
This is the most erotic way I've ever seen someone describe "Google the problem"
gellaho
Descriptions are hard
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
But it's rubbing my dot matrix…
CaptainBadguy
Ugh.
Clarify please, does a swoop have an arc?
FancyShark
Nothing like stopping to remember to go faster
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Don't spin the mouse wheel too fast
Tease it
Badgerman
Just offscreen Tag Team are singing Swoop (There It Is)
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And the mouse ball drops right the fuck out just before orgasm.
Ramb$ne Gracie
she went to the Belisario school of hacking
CaptainBadguy
The screen was screaming " ESC esc esc!"
gellaho
Soon, millions of snake-fish will emerge from the sea to threaten human civilization
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Bill Gates and Steve Jobs call this porn
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Harmlessly" until they discover the race of mutant fish.
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
They call them eels
CaptainBadguy
Cally reared it up, through her Bluetooth connection and yaaaaaaaaaaaaawn
Badgerman
And then the gene gas turned to sludge in the seawater and washed ashore, causing untold ecological devastation
CaptainBadguy
I'm rooting for the gas to make a comeback.
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
That was so suspenseful, my heart was in my throat
Oh, that's not my heart
gellaho
Really using that thesaurus to its full extent
Ramb$ne Gracie
hugs mean teams
Badgerman
Oh so he did have a first name
FancyShark
"But it's book one, so probably not a team for real yet"
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
The power was inside us all along
And the missile too
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Maybe the real manimal hydra monster was the friends we made along the way.
Badgerman
Mostly the missile if we're being honest
CaptainBadguy
And the gasssssss
The inert gasssssss
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
That missile was a virgin so it was so excited at a woman's touch, it vroomed out of contro
gellaho
Eddie's fine. Don't worry about how. AJ didn't.
Badgerman
I don't think you get to call yourselves truly a team at last when only two out of five of you contributed anything to this success
FancyShark
Meanwhile, The One Called Dan's wife, The One Called Nicole, is wondering when he's going to come home
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
I hope sssssssnake girl issssssss ok
gellaho
And now, back to Fat Hitler
Brendan
Cally has tried everything with Jake except telling him how she feels.
Stromfeld has never met them in reality.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The One Called Billy wonders if his father will ever tell him he loves him.
CaptainBadguy
Are plans disturbed, as a verb?
FancyShark
The One Called Woofles is content chasing a rabbit
CaptainBadguy
My plans were resting.
gellaho
Scratch that. No longer fat. And shrinking?
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Impudent puppies?
gellaho
I'm not really sure what's happening there
FancyShark
What a world
What a world
gellaho
Other than them bullying a hologram of No-Longer-Fat Hitler
CaptainBadguy
One pill makes you larger ...
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
You're not thinking, you swallow…
CaptainBadguy
Confidence literally shrinks your enemies
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is how teens show off their new team bonds, by bullying virtual nazis.
FancyShark
Did they really think Cally was bluffing about not liking Hitler?
Badgerman
If only
gellaho
I mean, if he was shrinking, he'd still be fat
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Team…bond team…
CaptainBadguy
What the fuggke is happening
gellaho
It would be weird if shrink rays made you thin and then tiny
Badgerman
"You didn't think about ME! I mean bond team! But mostly me! It's all about ME!"
Fuck you, Ben.
CaptainBadguy
Did I fall asleep?
FancyShark
Their training is old episodes of Super Friends
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Wait no, Stromfeld. I take it back, that plan is stupid."
gellaho
I think AJ is getting off on this now
CaptainBadguy
Did they jump cut to " Haha your plan to shrink ray the earth is foiled"
gellaho
This is what you get for missing part one
CaptainBadguy
I'll bet.
That's a hell of a call back.
Brendan
Jen gets the most cringe-inducing one-liners and delivers them with vehement hatred.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They can never succeed against the Rock and Roll Space Bandits.
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Um, how did she turn back from being a sssssnake?
gellaho
Hey look, turns out it's seasonally appropriate
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hahahaha that Eddie. Such a hilarious pervert."
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Ah nothing like Yuletide sexual harassment
FancyShark
And now they lose the inter-house competition because Dumbledore fucks all the other houses over and gives Harry Potter a billion extra points
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
With bonus demerits for being trans
Screw you Rowling
gellaho
I'll never understand why sci-fi authors think people will forget cultural touchstones immediately
FancyShark
Eddie's cause of death is going to be "internal rupture caused by mistletoe driven up urethra"
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
His low voice was from beating his kids with a sack of oranges so they wouldn't outwardly bruise
gellaho
"Whoever will remember Bing Crosby" thought AJ, twenty years ago
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The search engine magnate?
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
"Didn't Bing Crosby roofie a whole bunch of women?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"No that was you, Eddie. Yesterday."
"Not that it did you any good, because it was lunch time and in broad daylight."
gellaho
I'm not sure AJ understands just how much of a villain Ben is
Badgerman
Can't someone just beat this little shit's face in before the book ends
gellaho
Like this is so weird
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I'd be flying high too on not being turned into a snake man.
Brendan
Great job. You all passed, except for Cally, who crushed a human being under her shoe and twisted, smearing his guts across the carpet, my God, he was no threat to you any longer.
Really more of a Jen move.
FancyShark
You haven't actually tried kissing him, Ben
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Why is he still the team leader? He's ass.
gellaho
You sure write Ben like I'm supposed to hate him, AJ
Brendan
Hasn't even TRIED smooching Jake, the beautiful boy he's always bickering with who ignores Cally's advances.
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
"Don't use them speaking sounds, use your tongue on me!"
Brendan
Ben gets everything he wants and no comeuppance.
FancyShark
And Will is dead and furry
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
I apologize but how did snake girl walk it off?
gellaho
Jake tries to get with the psychotic
FancyShark
She just stopped dreaming about being a snake
Badgerman
How does one hold a photograph like an egg
gellaho
Yeah, I certainly haven't looked at the wikipedia page and learned he remains the leader for five books
Badgerman
Like, you really gotta ball it up
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I reckon the whiff of gas just made them hallucinate or something?
Brendan
Maybe it's a critique of James Bond.
Maybe Ben is imperialism.
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
"Can you?"
"Stay in there and rot, you snarky witch!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Jake's dad never told him "Don't stick your dick in crazy, or if you do, make sure its the fun kind and not the kind that will kill you in your sleep."
gellaho
Jake's head would never be the same
gellaho
And that's not even the worst thing!
Badgerman
He's a Domer, is the thing
FancyShark
So remember to lie to get laid, kids!
Ramb$ne Gracie
ok domer
gellaho
Cally has decided to make some real bad decisions
Badgerman
Oh, Cally. Honey. No
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Oh Cally cally cally, see what murder does to people?
FancyShark
Oh jesus, Cally. You'd be in less trouble if you started cutting yourself
gellaho
I don't like this implication, AJ
Ramb$ne Gracie
can't believe they just described her getting pregnant
Badgerman
What an awful time for the morosexual gene to activate
Brendan
Ladies, never tell your man you only kissed him to make someone else jealous. It reflects poorly on you and also Eddie seems like a bitter spring of resentment burbles beneath his babbling humor.
FancyShark
Remember, girls: Second choice is always a safe option
gellaho
What isn't going to be good, AJ? What
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Da sex
It is a true thing
Callously murder a man, sleep with another with bad b.o.
it tracks
gellaho
I think AJ forgot these idiots are fifteen
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
We need more PG, and a lot less 2 years after 13!!
Badgerman
Happens to all YA series eventually
FancyShark
"Now everyone raise your heroin needles in celebration!"
gellaho
Because it really seems like he thinks fiteen year olds get drunk at fancy soirées
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I never did at a FANCY soiree.
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
So wrong smh 🤦♂️
Badgerman
These dweebs are drinking fruit cocktails at best
FancyShark
Pah. As if we'd allow them in
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah they are far too square for smuggled booze.
gellaho
We end with them telling their tutor to fuck off
Brendan
Also I've rechristened it BEN TEAM
gellaho
Brendan
Also Eddie is kicked out.
Badgerman
:FuckApe:
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"God these kids are dorks." thought their tutor."
Brendan
Also Jake has to call me Captain Radical. The rest of you call me Mr. Ben.
Hail CHAOS!
gellaho
And the last fifteen pages is a preview of the next one
Badgerman
Oh god, it's still going
FancyShark
"You all get a C- for not saving the One Called Dan and for bringing back Will in a bucket."
Brendan
The book is shrinking!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
15 pages of AJ begging Games Workshop to consider letting him write for the Black Library.
gellaho
"And everybody clapped!"
Brendan
They get back, a tattered melange of half snake-bat-men, and Morita's, like "What? NO you were supposed to save the rednecks! That was such an obvious mission parameter!"
Red Dead Redempben
gellaho
We have defeated Spy High: Mission One
FancyShark
We did it!
Brendan
Does that count as their second mission failure?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Huzzah the sweet nectar of triumph!
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Congratulations to us all!!
FancyShark
Great work everyone!
Badgerman
Good grief that was a slog. Well fought, all
gellaho
Thus concludes the 83rd edition of the Book Cage
gellaho
May all of your fingers be wormlike
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho !
And if I don't hear from any of you before Tuesday, Merry Benmas to you!
Badgerman
Oh shit, I just noticed the actual Book Cage
Yeah, Photon deserves to be the one in there
FancyShark
Peter David still owes us an explanation for the final book
gellaho
Great news!
Brendan
Merry Benukkah to you all, and benny thanks to @gellaho
Brendan
I'll give them this, cover design is cool.
gellaho
I don't know about Warped Tour Two-Face, but sure
Badgerman
Cheronian Michael Myers
18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL
Thank you very much again @gellaho , you nascent freaking awesome legend!
