A secluded cabin on the lake was a perfect place to study...or to die
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gellaho
The Book Cage - Episode 84: Crash Course
I was entirely too nice to myself last year. We begin our new year of pain with a classic theme: a grown-ass adult writing about annoying horny teens. Our case study this time is one Nicole Davidson, AKA Kathryn Jensen AKA Kathryn Johnson, a motivational speaker and checks notes writing coach. Uh oh. Anyway, this many-pseudonymed woman wrote a couple of "horror" novels for teens. It certainly looks like Friday the 13th but, spoiler alert, only one person dies. Gird thy loins for the scariest of all topics: SAT test preparation. This Friday 5pm eastern.
gellaho
beastmaster jakesy
Lol the teacher just leaves them all there to die?
Even Badger will be smashed
To be fair I feel like every child caretaker familiar with Friday movies would have done the same
gellaho
Under an hour until Crash Course the teen horror book. See if you can figure out who the murderer and murderee are just from this preview.
LyraV
I'm not sure but Brian's description of his relationship with Paula feels a bit off.
FancyShark
Paula sounds creepy too
Ozzie
Not looking forward to seeing the "strange ways" Angel speaks.
beastmaster jakesy
Brian definitely steals Kelly's underwear at some point
I'm going to say the murderer is Paula in the kitchen with the lead pipe
The murderee is Jeff and Paula did it to hurt Kelly who is stealing her mans
Book it, mortal lock
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Because it was not specific I choose to believe Isabel's grandad gave her a sick kukri and is a Gurkha.
Even Badger will be smashed
My money's on the football jock with entitlement issues, for the record
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean you always hope its going to be Jason Vorhees in a surprise cameo.
Even Badger will be smashed
He just crashes through the front door and there's a big burst of cheers and applause like Urkel just showed up
gellaho
Time to begin the process
gellaho
Boy, Discord was struggling with uploads for a couple of minutes there
Even Badger will be smashed
Much smaller prisoner than I was picturing
FancyShark
A perfect place to study...or to die. But only those two things
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Those teens are going to have a hard time finding the privacy to fuck in a cabin that small.
gellaho
Btw this is also not her real name. I don't know why Kathryn Johnson decided to double pseudonym
Even Badger will be smashed
She knew what she'd done.
gellaho
Bizarre
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Plausible deniability for her freezer full of teen feet.
LyraV
The trees on the cover art look strangely bendy like the wind is blowing in two directions at once
FancyShark
"For Dave, who asked me to not explicitly mention the handy I gave him in high school"
gellaho
The prologue is where the murder happens. Very little of it makes sense
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Dave" Wang Yu.
LyraV
Well it implies there were multiple wrestlers that you might get Dave confused with.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"These winds are the work of the devil."
gellaho
It is a flash forward to about halfway through the book, which I don't think counts as a prologue
FancyShark
In Media Res doesn't work so well in books
Even Badger will be smashed
Well it does if you fucking do it right
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Dave and Steve together make one two headed centaur wrestler.
gellaho
Coleman: just what you need for a murde
LyraV
Think I understand the double pseudonym now.
Even Badger will be smashed
Nothing like a stiff jerk in the stern, i tells ya
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"We're GOING night fishing and that's FINAL!"
FancyShark
Dipping and wobbling, the boat galumphed and gafoodled through the mist
gellaho
And now: a series of sentences that should relate to one another, but cannot
FancyShark
That's not a legend. That's a teenager's shitty goth poetry
Even Badger will be smashed
Thomaston High, home of the Really Useful Engines
LyraV
This is almost a synopsis of the first season of 'Heroes' but more racist.
gellaho
Well, there is a shitty goth. Foreshadowing?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"It's not like I'm going to die or anything." - literal famous last words.
gellaho
Mystery is compelling if it's endless and no details are given, right?
FancyShark
I say that every time I eat a burrito, just in case
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
What is this, Batman Babies? Is this kid Teen Scarecrow?
LyraV
What had he begun? Let me say several more things that maybe might get there.
Even Badger will be smashed
Shit I hope so, dude could stand to show up more
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I HAD to fart fear gas into Tonys breakfast cereal, Batman. He made out with Cindy! I WANTED TO MAKE OUT WITH CINDY!"
Ozzie
They used Scarecrow in Titans and nobody will ever believe who they cast to play him if I say it.
FancyShark
Gilbert Gottfried?
gellaho
And now: a conversation. Or rather, two people randomly cycling through fear and threats
gellaho
That show employed a powerful necromancer
Even Badger will be smashed
Nothing like a good long finger from the shadow in the stern, i tells ya
LyraV
Clearly a stan for T$ of Battledome.
Even Badger will be smashed
T-Money Mafia
FancyShark
UGGGGHHHH HE'S COUNTING MURDERS WITH HIS TONGUE!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
When someone tells you the best way to drown quicker you are ethically in the clear to shove them off the boat in my opinion.
gellaho
No! Not the Coleman!
gellaho
FancyShark
Aw man, he loved collecting unwieldy shapes
Even Badger will be smashed
Oh no, the attempted murder drowns halfway through the book.
Anyway,
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"silky-cool" is how I would describe the flavor of a menthol cigarette in an ad, not freezing water I'm currently drowning in.
gellaho
I'm sure this will be a great tone setter for the rest of the book. It's definitely not going to be a bunch of annoying horny teens
Even Badger will be smashed
I understand drowning water is quite frothy, actually
FancyShark
His heart will go on
gellaho
Smash-cut to: a teen girl just loving the mail
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"RAGERRRRRRRRRT!" he thought, as he drowned like an asshole.
FancyShark
Yeah, it's Brian. I'm locking in my guess
Even Badger will be smashed
Thomaston, Baltimore
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"EEEEEEH THE LATEST ISSUE OF TEEN VOGUE IS HEEEERE!"
FancyShark
"A NEW CAR WASH OPENED?! OMG!"
Even Badger will be smashed
The misaddressed mail bomb promptly scattered her across the yard when it detonated
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Mr. Henderson died of a stroke! Sweet! Garage sale coming up!
Ozzie
I thought Gellaho said "the mall" and I was super confused when it started talking about packages.
Even Badger will be smashed
Same
gellaho
Her joy over the mail is interrupted by memories of her mom walking out on her
Even Badger will be smashed
Whomst amogus hasn't been there
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
For being excited about the mail she sure doesnt seem to understand how it works, asking questions like that.
gellaho
But, no time for that, time to go see Brian
gellaho
LyraV
Curiosity is such a bully with their fierce taunts.
Ozzie
Her mom is gonna Mrs. Voorhees this summer camp, calling it now
Even Badger will be smashed
Also, this dipshit talks to her mail. I hope she's the first victim
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kelly needs a Schoolhouse Rock style song to help her know what to do with letters.
gellaho
☑️ Redhead
gellaho
(See if you can figure out which character is Kathryn's stand-in. It's very difficult)
LyraV
That is a lot of words to describe her teeth.
Even Badger will be smashed
Oh man does this twee redhead have murder victim written all over her
FancyShark
"Practicing a grin" is the best way to get your readers to identify with a character
Ozzie
Now I feel like we've all just learned that Kathryn's mom walked out on her.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You lose more Kellys this way.
gellaho
You can tell she's soft spoken from all the screaming
FancyShark
Was not expecting "blue eyes" when I read "enormous"
gellaho
How about the phrase "they were raised in some kind of emotion"
Ozzie
a soft-spoken, petite blonde with enormous
blue eyes
SHIT scooped
FancyShark
Oh, well in that case, I feel like I'm looking in a mirror
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Well way to make me sympathize with Paula and not Kelly. Paula likes cats.
LyraV
This book throws some intense sentences at you and I'm glad you caught this. What does that even mean?
Ozzie
Paula is cleaning up after a budding neighborhood serial killer.
gellaho
Boy do I hate Kelly
Ozzie
Doesn't bode well for Brian now that I think of it.
Even Badger will be smashed
Good god this girl is exhausting.
FancyShark
Kelly has His & Hers sweaters in every size, just to cover her bases
gellaho
I don't know what you mean. I'm not seeing any kind of signs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I already hope Paula shoves Kelly into a walk in freezer and feeds her to stray cats.
LyraV
I felt that 'anyway' in my soul.
Even Badger will be smashed
Topical Raymond Reddington
Ozzie
Can't believe that show got renewed for another season this year.
FancyShark
A good friend is one that you resent
Ozzie
I mean, I'm gonna watch it, but still shocked.
Even Badger will be smashed
It's a really long list, okay
It's more of a spreadsheet
gellaho
A series of Kelly's attempts to understand hu-mans
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
Okay im home from work and errands (i.e., buying weed), what have i missed so far?
gellaho
Paula felt some kind of emotion
Even Badger will be smashed
I feel like we're getting a window into Kathryn's idea of wish fulfillment from this prose
Ozzie
That's worded like he's doing it in a way that he knows she can't misinterpret.
Like anything less than a huge smile she would take as aggression.
FancyShark
Someone drowns later, Kelly is the worst, and Paula is a budding monster
Even Badger will be smashed
Oh my god she ran down the hill and flounced into their apartment to open the mail at them????
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It wasnt a very good drowning tho. 5\10.
Even Badger will be smashed
I would no contact the entire fucking state if some weirdo did that to me
FancyShark
Like he has a gun pointed at him
gellaho
Brian works at the mail room (?) at school, so she was trying to get him to tell her what was in an envelope addressed to her dad
They seemed to be made for each other: (1) skin tone
Even Badger will be smashed
Just give it to your dad???? Don't convince your friends to commit mail fraud??? What the hell, Kelly
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oooof I dont like when authors use phrases like "Hispanic genes"
gellaho
Kelly tries these human emotions, but accidentally forgets to breathe
LyraV
The most satisfying errand imo
FancyShark
I'm glad the author at least waited until after saying "despite his father's Hispanic genes" before mentioning Brian was sensitive and smart
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
Okay is Kelly a robot or an alien?
gellaho
Brian's 80 years old I guess
FancyShark
Yes
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
She clearly doesn't understand your hoo-man e-mo-shuns
BullSHIT no one studies for the SATs. My school spent a goddamn week prepping us for those
Ozzie
If Brian called her "old girl", she might be a horse.
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
SAT is like an american standardized test, right?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I didnt even TAKE the SATs and I studied for them.
gellaho
Going from 0-60, Kelly
Even Badger will be smashed
SAT actually stands for Stupid Ass Test. True fact
FancyShark
Yeah. It's one of two tests that they decided is easier to gauge than actual abilities for getting into college
Even Badger will be smashed
No followup questions
Ozzie
She's only just now feeling as if she were intruding?
Even Badger will be smashed
Kelly. For the love of God. You are the problem.
FancyShark
Kelly was hit really hard by caller ID
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
Yeah that's how law school works too. Have this arbitrary exam that measures nothing.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Really really sympathizing with Paula right now.
gellaho
And she's a theater kid? Good work on building the world's most annoying teen
Even Badger will be smashed
Social media blocking was another gut punch
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I think perhaps Kelly might have been economical with the truth when she claimed Paula was jealous.
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
It doesn't correlate to success in any way but i still take every opportunity to tell people i aced it
Even Badger will be smashed
Of course she was in Cats
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
Yeah Cats is the most obnoxious musical and that's saying something
FancyShark
I'm not saying I wouldn't have been a bit into Kelly in high school, but I will admit to not having good judgement
gellaho
Meet our other main character: rich douche!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its a pretty good objective way to tell people the truth, that you're smart and awesome.
Ozzie
Yeah, I would've dated her no question.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Jeff wants to fuck that car.
Even Badger will be smashed
Car & Driver namedrop means there's a good chance Jeff's life was changed forever by his first Brockway article
FancyShark
Because when you think "tank", you think "BMW"
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
Yeah yeah we all date terrible women
gellaho
We meet Jeff planning to kill his professor
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also what kind of teen reads "Car & Driver"?
Thats an old man mag.
LyraV
The kind who 'hungers' for a corvette while obsessively listing it's features.
FancyShark
I have a cousin obsessed with cars and I'm pretty sure he can't make it through an issue of Car & Driver without chemical assistance
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
A teenager with a corvette is fated to be a douchebag in layer life, it's axiomatic
gellaho
Fear Porter's magic eye!
Even Badger will be smashed
Sounds more like Mr. Porter didn't believe in uncompensated time, and honestly, good for him
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
Autosexual?
Even Badger will be smashed
Ozzie
This is a truly improbable high school history teacher.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Mr. Porter makes a nickel, school makes a dime, thats why he goes home to shit immediately after class.
gellaho
Kathryn confuses high school with college. Which is troubling because she claims to be a substitute teacher
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
Mr. Porter was to be played by Alan Rickman in the movie adaptation
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
See Mr. Porter is why teachers need to be armed. He has a damn laser eye and you dont see kids disrespecting him.
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
And Kelly? Mark Zuckerberg
Even Badger will be smashed
"Every teacher gets one."
gellaho
Meet your Ice for tonight
Even Badger will be smashed
Oh my god is Baxter played by T-Money?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Jeff......why do you think his eyes are "small and ruthless"? Jeff?
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
Jeff is so turned on right now
FancyShark
"His eyes were dark, so you couldn't see them at a distance or gauge their size because-" holy shit, Kathryn
Even Badger will be smashed
Just actual linebacker Terry Crews, the only adult on the scrimmage line
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
I have a book for him actually
gellaho
"Gotcha, you bastard," he thought before casually approaching
FancyShark
I think the same thing when I flag down a waiter
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
For me It's when I ask a guy out
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Fuck. No, Jeff, I will not change your grade. For the last time, Bismarck did NOT invent the beef wellington."
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
Yup, right after tackling him to the ground
gellaho
"Gotcha, you bastard," he thought right before politely asking about an SAT prep course
gellaho
FancyShark
"Submit to my will, you fucker," Jeff thought, asking for help
Even Badger will be smashed
Average social media tough guy when they have to interact with a human in public
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Some guys like it when women get aggressive with them. Usually that doesnt involve a spear tackle but whatever. It works.
FancyShark
You don't speak for everyone
gellaho
"Gotcha, you bastard," he thought before shitting his pants
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
Few protest, if only because of the broken ribs
LyraV
Jeff then politely offered to carry his valise to his car.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Broken ribs and being immensely flattered.
FancyShark
Porter's evil eye is turning Jeff's organs into liquid
gellaho
Because nobody ever shares their PSAT scores. I guess
Even Badger will be smashed
Blackmailed into taking his education seriously. I guess it's the only way some people learn
FancyShark
Who hasn't guarded their test scores with the same intensity as unsolicited pictures of their own genitals?
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
Jeff who gives a fuck, genie has left the bottle
gellaho
Porter's going to use the mind magic from Godslayer to improve SAT scores
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
I never share my test scores, not even when i broke the 99th percentile on my LSAT
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh and your parents showed me that picture of you when you were five and nudely riding a toy train."
LyraV
He's really burning with intensity over this minor tutoring thing.
gellaho
The only reason you wouldn't share your test score is if it's bad Jeff, they already know
Even Badger will be smashed
"No sweat", that very cutting edge of youthful lingo
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"And they told me that one time you shit your pants at Timmy Sorensons birthday party and tried to pass it off by sitting in his cake."
FancyShark
Jeff: The boy who treats asking for help studying like it's a hostage negotiation
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"And also that you see a doctor for your weird crooked dick."
gellaho
The mysterious thoughts of the history teacher will definitely pay off
gellaho
Even Badger will be smashed
But he's so fucking cool and edgy while he does it though. Like a fucking lizard king in his Corvette
gellaho
Jeff is a great guy
FancyShark
Porter made a mental note to plant drugs on Jeff
Ozzie
Angel MANSON
No fuckin' way.
Even Badger will be smashed
Jeff no. Abort. Abort. Eject
Rachel Slowly Lowers Her Dagger
Kelly intrigues him? Is he a cryptid hunter?
FancyShark
Do it, Jeff. You fucking deserve each other
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"No, Jeff, not that Manson family. God."
gellaho
Kelly is apparently the flash
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kelly, now with carbonated bubbling.
gellaho
Kathryn Johnson really had a pulse on the lingo of the teenage boy in 1990
gellaho
Even Badger will be smashed
Kelly would do this and think it was adorable
FancyShark
Warren: Not a student and not allowed on school grounds
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Her rack is totally righteous!" would have worked better for 90s lingo, Kathryn.
gellaho
Jeff gets a boner during Cats
gellaho
Very major restraining orders
Even Badger will be smashed
gamine
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is how furries are made. Teens performing Cats.
Well one of the ways.
This is what we had to settle for in the 90s when you wanted to make a furry.
FancyShark
"She even shat in a box, right on stage"
LyraV
I had to look it up.
Even Badger will be smashed
O-oh my god I just read the actual text.
I don't think Jeff was just popping a boner.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"It wasnt even in the script, it was all improv from Kelly."
Ozzie
It's called method acting
gellaho
While reminiscing about that musical boner he once had, a student tweaker runs in front of his car
Ozzie
Ozzie
Dude, what the fuck
FancyShark
FINALLY! A highschool experience I understand!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"There's two for one chalupas at the Taco Bell! STEP ON IT!"
gellaho
Nathan doesn't like showers, man
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Stacy works there and she gives me free churros!"
Okay but Nathan is pretty close to how I dressed as a teen.
FancyShark
This is The Breakfast Club, but with some extra, terrible characters sprinkled in
gellaho
Good to know that Jeff masturbated to completion in the school parking lot
gellaho
Thanks, Kathryn
Even Badger will be smashed
Kathryn, Jesus fuck
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Feeling flush with post wank goodwill, Jeff agreed to give the kid he didnt like a five minute ride."
gellaho
Nathan definitely seems like the study retreat kind of guy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"And also took him to the movies."
LyraV
Pretty sure I'd take Jeff calling me 'not honor society material' as a compliment.
Even Badger will be smashed
The Cinema Five
Ozzie
Especially if I had a leather jacket on at the time.
Even Badger will be smashed
The first four Cinemas were sunk in the line of duty
FancyShark
I carded every one of these little shits when I worked at the movie theater. And for the first time since I left, I don't feel bad about it
gellaho
"Jeff also figured he might be able to score some during the trip"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Carding teens is the best part of working retail or at a theater.
FancyShark
Jeff also assumed the cane Nathan carried was for coke
Even Badger will be smashed
It's like if Cabin in the Woods was written by M Night
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Also Nathan was notorious for not taking any shit and carried a switchblade, so unperforated Jeff thought he'd be magnanimous and get along."
gellaho
"There's definitely nothing weird about a teacher and eight teens spending five days alone in the woods, right?"
FancyShark
Jeff wondered if Nathan liked dressing like a cat
beastmaster jakesy
This premise does feel weird, yes
"Hey kids, wanna hang out with me in my isolated cabin and study all weekend?"
FancyShark
If Porter's entire goal is to leave them to die, it'll be the first relatable character moment in this story
gellaho
Good news: our main characters are horny for each other
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its not weird if you assume the teacher will get them there, take off his shirt, bellow "I AM BECOME NIMROD! FLEE, SQIRMING BLEATING MEAT!" and chase them with a hunting knife.
Ozzie
I'm still stuck on this, I can't ever imagine being in a car with someone who's completely silent for the ride and thinking to myself "I bet he's on coke"
beastmaster jakesy
Jeff about to test out how deep that creek really is
FancyShark
Hell yeah. Jeff's gonna fuck a crawdad
wait
Even Badger will be smashed
Deep Creek
Really racked the old noggin for that one, huh, Kathryn
gellaho
KELLY DEMANDS ABSOLUTE LOYALTY
beastmaster jakesy
It was either that or Wet Gorge
Lol
Feeling real good about my predictions right now
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah Paula should dump Brian.
FancyShark
hahaha, oh Brian. Your balls are in a drawer somewhere
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
In a hole in the ground.
gellaho
This is how teens talked in the early nineties
beastmaster jakesy
At the bottom of Dry Gulch
Ozzie
"alternate female companionship" sounds like code for some kind of gay sex.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kelly thinking maybe shed blow Jeff.
gellaho
What a rock solid relationship
FancyShark
I always suspected substitute teachers were creepy in high school. Kathryn is just proving that was true
beastmaster jakesy
They had to create a whole new term for how hard Brian is friendzoned
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"No I can cheat on Paula whenever I WANT!"
beastmaster jakesy
Like a friend multiverse
gellaho
Kathryn deeply studied teens to get they're mannerisms down
gellaho
Always booping each other, those nineties teens
Ozzie
Was it a quick hug or did it last for a moment of heartbeat-listening?
This book fucking sucks, guys.
gellaho
Very astute
FancyShark
"Observe how the human pubescents establish affection hierarchies based on physical contact"
beastmaster jakesy
Why do we need to know how firm his chest is
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Always a boop for my teen friends. Booping each other all day, it really got to be a problem. Surprised it didnt get banned like dabbing did.
FancyShark
:boop:
gellaho
Kelly feels sorry that no one is touch Chris's butt
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its the only way we can gauge how hot the boys are in a novel with no pictures.
beastmaster jakesy
Is Chris Jamaican or something
gellaho
Goth ahoy
Even Badger will be smashed
Finally a character worth rooting for. Thicc assed lonely king
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Chris gonna get that pity handjob.
FancyShark
Kohl is a thing?
Even Badger will be smashed
Really dropping Chris's skintone in in the most natural way possible, Kathryn
gellaho
Angel is one Hot Topic
gellaho
All goths shop at Kohl's
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I would probably have hung out with Angel as a teen.
Even Badger will be smashed
Fuck, I just remembered the Manson thing
FancyShark
I would definitely have made Angel uncomfortable at that age
Even Badger will be smashed
I'm gonna be stepping on that rake all night
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Goth kids are easier to convince to try playing RPGs.
gellaho
On the bus, Kelly falls in love with an exotic girl
gellaho
FancyShark
Kelly immediately asks if she can touch her hair
gellaho
Unfortunately, Isabel appears to be a robot who has fallen in love with Mr Porter
beastmaster jakesy
Ah yes, an exotic beauty from the Orient
FancyShark
oh nice, the Native American girl has wolf-life eyes. Nice work, Kathryn
Even Badger will be smashed
It's incredible that this author can find a way to fetishize every single ethnicity
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kelly doesnt notice Isabels absolutely sick kukri her granddad used to kill a machine gun nest full of Japanese soldiers during WW2.
FancyShark
Isabel is why Porter is going to lose his job in a few months
gellaho
Kelly engages Sulu protocol
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Because granddaughter of a Gurkha doesnt fear the history teacher's laser eye.
beastmaster jakesy
Wait is his hair neatly trimmed or mussed?
FancyShark
The skin-tight jeans are how you know he's ready to study for a test
beastmaster jakesy
Those are like two opposite settings
FancyShark
It's neatly trimmed, then mussed. It's called "a waste of money"
Even Badger will be smashed
"Wrestling jacket"? Like he stole Chris Jericho's light up Christmas light jobbie?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kelly is so horny for Jeff and Jeff is so horny for Kelly the two of them are going to explode the first time their hands touch.
FancyShark
We should be thankful this happened before Jeff discovered frosted tips
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Like gooshy matter and anti-matter.
gellaho
Angel eats a peach
Ozzie
Good way to show dominance or that you don't mind sticky juices on your hand and forearm.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah Nathan is impressed.
Even Badger will be smashed
Angel doubled over and collapsed, the peach pit lodged in her windpipe.
FancyShark
Ruining fruit is so hot
Ozzie
Yeah, if I had been there at 17, I would've been like "that was the dumbest crazy thing I've ever seen, tell me everything about your life immediately"
gellaho
Later Kelly has a dream
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I must sit next to this person at dinner."
Kelly hearing the call of the wild places.
Even Badger will be smashed
Christ, these fucking dork ass furries deserve each other so badly.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
As all redheads do.
gellaho
This is certainly foreshadowing and not just something weird because this is supposed to be a horror book and so far teens have just made googly eyes at each other
FancyShark
Clearly, this means Kelly sees herself as a bitch
Even Badger will be smashed
"Trust" = "unquestioning, demure obedience"
No followup questions
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also implies Kelly thinks Paula is a dog fucker.
FancyShark
These idiots are going to be so mad when they find out SAT classes are normally held at school
Ozzie
Every bit of Paula's dialogue is the part where I leave the forest as soon as possible, violently if necessary.
gellaho
Chris transforms into a bear while Paula transforms into an owl
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hey Mr. Porter? Whats this weird blue salve for? It smells like honey and mushrooms?"
"It's for summoning the Wild Hunt, dont worry about it."
Even Badger will be smashed
Two guesses which animal Isabel animorphs into.
gellaho
Kelly takes this opportunity to neg her best friend inside her head
Change Ramb$ne Gracie!
lucky cat, complete with waving paw
FancyShark
What kind of filthy tramp likes a man who's in shape?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah because teen girls HATE when a guy is ripped.
Even Badger will be smashed
Eughhh, who would want a man with gross muscleeees???
Change Ramb$ne Gracie!
no see, he's all neck
FancyShark
This is the thirstiest book we've ever read
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And of course Kelly thinks Paula is pretending and not expressing an actual opinion.
gellaho
Kelly goes through all the emotions
Even Badger will be smashed
"In a bad female impersonation" is how this entire book was written
FancyShark
Any time the werewolves want to strike is not going to be too soon
LyraV
Wow I dipped out to make dinner (alsospill water all over the kitchen) and things have escalated.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nathan is the kind of kid who has shit in some unique places for someone his age.
gellaho
Kathryn decides this is a good time to get real weird
Even Badger will be smashed
Oh just now huh
beastmaster jakesy
Hahaha
Ozzie
Is this still her self-insert character?
I'm learning way too fucking much about this lady.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Well this explains why Kelly is so thirsty and also why shes going to bite Jeffs perineum.
gellaho
More mystery, does it mean anything?
LyraV
Yeah that's not so great Kelly oh man we need better sex education.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
After rubbing peppers on his dick.
beastmaster jakesy
Oh no is the native chick going to be like a shaman or some shit
Even Badger will be smashed
There's no way she's not, I've already accepted it
FancyShark
According to the blurb from the start of the book, the goth is the shaman. Or probably witch/wiccan/plot device
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Kelly could see the ancient native wisdom in her brown, sad, brown face and eyes. She was brown. And sad. And wise. But also brown."
gellaho
Begin the sexual harassment
Ozzie
Same as every time I've screamed that.
beastmaster jakesy
Lol
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh Nathan you were doing so good.
But now you fucked it.
gellaho
The teacher did this earlier. You're going to get this from every character
FancyShark
Okay, to be fair, if that did work and he never tried it, it'd be just as sad
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You're going to be jerking it alone in the woods when you die.
gellaho
Seems safe!
Ozzie
"Oh, please" she moaned
It's not a no.
FancyShark
"Also, there's no food. The lake is infested. And we're on an active volcano."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"WAit what?! No seriously how are you going to contact anyone in case of an emergency?"
Even Badger will be smashed
"Moan" is not the word you want to use there
gellaho
Make sure to avoid the random holes in the earth, too
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You realize that this is technically a school function so we are massively liable if anything happens, right?"
gellaho
Only the essentials
FancyShark
"There are also some landmines left over from the last SAT course. They're unmarked, so tread carefully."
Even Badger will be smashed
If teacher hasn't expressly brought these teens out to the woods to murder them for their low grades what was the point of any of this
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh and you're getting free cholera and parasites!"
Ozzie
The virgin brought a large bottle of her sexiest perfume on a study trip?
LyraV
The sexiest perfume she could buy from the Claire's at the the mall.
Ozzie
And then put it next to a picture of her dad.
FancyShark
She knows she's a virgin because all the guys she's dated have told her all that stuff "didn't count"
gellaho
Isabel asks Kelly to help her unpack and pulls a fun knife prank
Even Badger will be smashed
One wonders how she's still a virgin with all that sexy perfume she's packing
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Little do these horny dipshits know I have dug tiger pits all over this forest! Soon I shall feast upon their succulent flesh in praise of Hecate!"
"What was that Mr. Porter?"
"NOTHING! YOU HEARD NOTHING!"
Even Badger will be smashed
Eight inches long is not just a knife. That is a fucking chopper
beastmaster jakesy
This is a noife
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Aw its cute Kelly thinks an eight inch blade is long.
Even Badger will be smashed
Also in what way was the blade "wicked"
Change Ramb$ne Gracie!
8 is pretty standard for cooking
gellaho
Meanwhile, Angel gets out her magic crystals
Ozzie
I'm picturing a kris right now
FancyShark
That means it's pointy
Angel, please summon a skeleton army and end this
Ozzie
gellaho
Nerd
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah I would be listening to Angel's poetry and lectures about the dark power of crystals and the moon and shit.
FancyShark
Angel learned everything from her dad Cuda
LyraV
I'm sure Kelly will be extremely open minded and thoughtful about all this.
FancyShark
"Omigod, are you, like, Jewish or something?"
gellaho
Chris, meanwhile, is jock sad
FancyShark
Chris regret smashing. Chris only want make friends.
gellaho
We are very different people
beastmaster jakesy
Also definitely not Kathryn's wish fulfillment here
Even Badger will be smashed
The black character can't control his anger.
Uh huh.
beastmaster jakesy
"Oh the jock is so sad inside" no he's not sweetie he's smashing every night and he's got 5 scholarship offers already, he's the fuckin football star
FancyShark
Actually, Chris kind of sounds like he's on the path to becoming Venom
gellaho
Nathan has decided to forgo cleanliness for snacks and condoms
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean listening to someone ramble about their weird hobby is a small price to pay for someone to play Armored Core with and maybe give you a handy once in a while.
Even Badger will be smashed
Kathryn, do we need to send you down to Kenzie in HR?
Even Badger will be smashed
So join the 1900Hotdog discord today!
gellaho
No, he's very sad and angry and is listening to his emo music
beastmaster jakesy
Yeah all the room those condoms take up
gellaho
You know like how football players do
Even Badger will be smashed
"Girls." is not only a full sentence but a full paragraph. True fact
FancyShark
Chris tries to shed all the baby fat, but they taste so good he always has a few in a bag
gellaho
No drinkable water, but Dagwood sandwiches for everyone!
Even Badger will be smashed
Only the essentials for survival
FancyShark
mmmmm. Sundried mayonnaise
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ham has enough water to survive on.
Even Badger will be smashed
"Gobs of mayo on grinder rolls" does not read the same in 2023
gellaho
It's almost like that doesn't make sense, Kathryn you are correct
Even Badger will be smashed
He'll shell out for a Butterball but force everyone to boil their own filthy ass lake water?
FancyShark
hahaha, I missed that they're doing this Thanksgiving week
Ozzie
How the fuck are they going to cook a Thanksgiving turkey in the woods?
beastmaster jakesy
If only you were the author and control-hey wait a minute
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
WAit lol this teacher managed to convince these peoples PARENTS that their kids didnt need to be home for the one American holiday where that's mandatory?! lmao.
Ozzie
Just turn it over the fire for 8 hours?
Even Badger will be smashed
Just like the Pilgrims woulda done
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Pit cook that motherfucker.
Seriously its great.
LyraV
I could see these idiots trying to bury it without coals and wondering why it's not working.
FancyShark
"Why won't it grow more?!"
gellaho
Step right up, bring the next mysterious character interaction
gellaho
Change Ramb$ne Gracie!
i resemble this remark
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ham is excitement, Ham is hydration. Haaaaam!
Even Badger will be smashed
"You're a beast in the sack, I mean. Everybody's heard by now."
FancyShark
hold up
SHE DOESN'T GO TO THEIR SCHOOL?
gellaho
Next up, Chris attempts to murder Nathan
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is where Angel screams something about fighting werewolves in her dreams.
Ozzie
"You—are—a—beast" is even worse than any strange way of talking I would've anticipated.
Even Badger will be smashed
What the fuck is happening
FancyShark
Oh, I feel that. A bad roommate is horrible.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Jeez Kelly chill. You have to choke someone for FOREVER to kill them.
Ozzie
I have no clue what that's supposed to sound like out loud.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Like a full minute after they pass out at least.
NAthan is fine.
Even Badger will be smashed
Oh but Paula is the beast here.
gellaho
More mystery!
gellaho
And situation resolved
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Now he knows, you dont ask questions like "Can I touch your hair?" and "Have you heard of fast twitch muscle fibers?"
FancyShark
Chris is Irish?
gellaho
Now we're getting Nathan's perspective, so surely we'll find out what Chris was angry about right?
Ozzie
Just throw all his shit in the lake when he's not looking, vengeance secured.
LyraV
Nathans chest was also rumbling deeply from within
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Man all I wanted to do was rummage thru your shit and take whatever caught my eye, ILL HAVE REVENGE!"
gellaho
Of course not, you fool! It's time for SAT prep!
beastmaster jakesy
The secret is Chris also wants to fuck Jeff
Ozzie
Nathan found Chris' copy of Playgirl with the Gay Zeus interview.
FancyShark
Telling that "incestuous" is the first word Kathryn listed as an SAT answer
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
WANTON isnt even a question.
beastmaster jakesy
Yeah it's a delicious fried dumpling
gellaho
I guess this is prep for students who have never taken a multiple choice test before and have three brain cells
FancyShark
I'll have three incestuous dumplings and a side of distressed rice
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"But none of those are "WANTON" either? This example question is stupid."
FancyShark
Holy shit, Kathryn, you're playing with fire. You're saying it's stupid to use an adverb for emphasis?
gellaho
This is bad advice
beastmaster jakesy
I- huh?
Ozzie
Love a teacher who tells you not to worry about learning the material and just social engineer the test.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Um.......the fuck what now?
FancyShark
Also, yes, something can be more empty. By the inference that something can be half-empty
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I think this guy is just trying to sabotage these kids.
Ozzie
hahaha, he's just fucking with them before he slaughters them all
Even Badger will be smashed
This pedagogy is literally too stupid for me to insult
gellaho
Rad! I know what incest is!
Ozzie
He can't enjoy the kill if they're not agonizing over similes versus metaphors.
FancyShark
Weird you'd have such a specific example at the ready, Nathan
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"But just yelling the word "WANTON:" isnt a question? That's also not how SAT questions are formatted. Also also none of this bypasses Nathans need to understand a bunch of words he doesnt already know?"
gellaho
Very romantic
FancyShark
Nothing wins a woman over like mentioning you know about incest
Even Badger will be smashed
Definitely a real sentence you would see on an SAT
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Um.......titillating?! Sir?!"
"Sir I am having increasing misgivings about this SAT study camp. Can we get to the murdering now?"
gellaho
So, you know I don't think the isolated teacher and students were weird enough yet. We can go further!
beastmaster jakesy
Lol Brian (solemnly):
Even Badger will be smashed
Dear god, arrest this author
gellaho
Weirder!
FancyShark
Porter is getting so much kompromat on these kids
gellaho
"Yes, children, write dirty sentences in my cabin in the woods!"
Even Badger will be smashed
I want to get off Mr. Porter's wild ride
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Kathryn, Hi. It's the editor, did you MEAN to imply that one of your teen girl characters is flattered by the idea that she might be a goddess fucking her classmate in a tub of soup?"
"I might have to call someone based on your answer."
FancyShark
[high-pitched shrieking]
gellaho
Start with a pun, end with bondage
beastmaster jakesy
I'm going to need you kids to record yourselves talking about fuckin. For science
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh and did you mean to convey that the teacher recorded them doing this? Because that implies things. Sinister things, maybe too sinister for the scope of this book."
gellaho
I'm sure he knew exactly what he was doing
Even Badger will be smashed
Nathan finally found a kink he can use to get his foot in the door
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also Nathan you dont wanna make offers like that lightly to a goth girl.
That candle wax is hotter than you think.
gellaho
Later, Jeff tries to calm his boner by burning things
Even Badger will be smashed
Sez you
FancyShark
Bonkers, because horny can be zany
Even Badger will be smashed
An excuse to go outside and crank one out into the bushes, no doubt
gellaho
I'm sure this has nothing to do with the beginning of the book
Even Badger will be smashed
There's no way this dipshit has life jackets at the ready
FancyShark
"If you see a wraith-like figure in a cloak steering the rowboat and demanding two coins in payment, that's just Mitch."
gellaho
That sexy knee play
LyraV
Yeah I keep waiting for them to loop back around to something other than this teacher being kind of a perv.
Jeff immediately runs out the door and fucks a hole in the side of a tree.
gellaho
I'm sure he's arranging plenty of wood
FancyShark
The only thing holding him back is that he'll be distracted. Not that she might not be into it.
Even Badger will be smashed
muffled woodpecker noises
Has there ever been a Dead Meat kill count with just a single death?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its about the only teen thing Kathryn has gotten right so far.
beastmaster jakesy
This is a book about high school boys, you have to assume like 75% of the day involves being chubbed up
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And Jeff is a Tight Pants Kid, unfortunately for him.
gellaho
Kathryn decides to forgo being coy and just throw out the word "horny"
gellaho
In this book ostensibly for the kids
FancyShark
I haven't read Judy Blume. Where do her books fall on this?
Ozzie
I don't mess around with my username here but if I was gonna, "as horny as Nathan" would be in the running
beastmaster jakesy
Whoa when did we get a Sissyneck appearance
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Alot less horny.
FancyShark
Early this morning
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Or at least the ones I remember.
Even Badger will be smashed
Didn't think a YA book author could give Jodi Picoult a run for her money on the deeply weird scale but my god is Kathryn trying
beastmaster jakesy
So either he lives on the east coast or he's up real early on the west
The lore grows
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah so far Kathryn has been racist, thirsty, and creepy. Solid attempt at the YA Unsettling Triple Crown.
gellaho
Kelly is very sensitive
beastmaster jakesy
Deep, so Deeeeeeeep
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Tell them an Irish one just to fuck with them.
Even Badger will be smashed
Say that again, out loud, slowly.
Deep … Creek … Lake.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kelly and Jeff will find Rawhead and Bloody Bones instructive.
FancyShark
"Sure, white devil. Just like every Native American, I only have stories from my heritage."
gellaho
Gweemush
gellaho
Even Badger will be smashed
5 will get you 10 Gweemush is a new addition to the Indigenous American pantheon
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Gweemush? Did you make that up? It's only 1990 so we can't google it."
FancyShark
I just checked to be sure. It's made up. Have at it.
Ozzie
beastmaster jakesy
Yeah I mean George W
FancyShark
Kathryn heard a baby try to say "Grimace" at McDonald's and got an idea
Even Badger will be smashed
Hahahaha wait the moral of this story is that the last survivors of this tribe have to fucking die and join the people who have gone before them in death?!?! The moral of the story is to complete your own genocide?!?!?!
gellaho
It's real in the made up woods somewhere between Baltimore and DC
As are the Susquehanna people
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"So in conclusion Brian and Kelly should both throw themselves in the lake."
gellaho
And now: all the emotions
FancyShark
Isabel is trying so hard not to laugh
gellaho
Then Jeff goes full caveman
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hahahahha that nerd Kelly bought that whole Native American jive."
LyraV
Um Jeff buddy come on now
Even Badger will be smashed
Dude was literally just waiting for any kind of consent, to anything, to go full kidnapping woods maniac
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Jeff this is not what consent means.
FancyShark
Even if they don't have sex, that lake is giving them a UTI
Even Badger will be smashed
Can't wait for him to drown
gellaho
Jeff gets scared for like the third time this book, and wanders off
Even Badger will be smashed
"Oh but she really wanted it even if she was loudly saying no and pleading for help"
beastmaster jakesy
Yeah I bet he needed to listen to the ol' vocab tape in his pants
Even Badger will be smashed
Is kathryn working off some kind of problematic bingo card?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
KATHRYYYYYYYYYYYN! YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ TO DOOOOOOOO!
FancyShark
Jeff was embarrassed because he'd forgotten his skin collection
Ozzie
Jeff can't figure out how to talk to girls if his car's not in line-of-sight.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lets be honest, Kelly struggling gave Jeff a boner and he needs to sort out what that means.
Ten years from now he will be a prolific sex wrestler on Kink.com.
gellaho
Suddenly, mystery during marshmallows
Even Badger will be smashed
"Isabel slapped her gooey stick"
LyraV
That feels right for Jeff if he survives all this.
Even Badger will be smashed
Poetry
FancyShark
Yeah. Slap that gooey stick. Jesus, you're weird, Kathryn
beastmaster jakesy
That's funny Jeff's in the bathroom slapping his gooey stick as well
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"WHY IS EVERYONE TALKING IN RIDDLES!" says the girl who thinks riddles are when you werent present for part of the conversation.
Even Badger will be smashed
How the fuck does this make it to publishing without an editor demanding a page one rewrite
gellaho
Kelly doesn't understand why Jeff hasn't asked her to marry him yet
FancyShark
Editor?
Even Badger will be smashed
Anyone who has to say that they're likable probably isn't
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kelly might be a little self centered.
Like jeez girl give him time to come to terms with his new fetish.
FancyShark
Yes, judging how attractive you find someone by how attractive others find them is fine, Jeff
Even Badger will be smashed
I'm astonished that we've been doing this for almost three hours now and still haven't left act 1
FancyShark
oh wait, Kelly's POV
dangit
Even Badger will be smashed
At least shit like Godslayer knew how to keep shit moving
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kelly needs someone to tell her its weird to be impatient with someone when you basically just met them and all you want is their sweet hog right now, in the woods.
gellaho
Later, Kelly makes Jeff get handsy
beastmaster jakesy
Lol
Finally, the pretense is over
Even Badger will be smashed
Good grief.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Jeff. Never apologize for getting a woman wet.
Rule number one.
beastmaster jakesy
Also does "shirt-front" mean tits
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also nice to take some fuckin initiative instead of bitching about how Jeff might not like you, Kelly.
FancyShark
If you're apologizing for getting a woman wet, there's a 95% chance you're guessing
gellaho
What a great character
beastmaster jakesy
Just say tits
Change Ramb$ne Gracie!
nah he got the belly button
LyraV
Seriously calm down Kelly
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"WAHT COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME?! THE GIRL YOU ARENT FILLING WITH CUM AT ALL RIGHT NOW?! ITS LIKE YOU DONT LIKE ME AT ALL! SKREEEEEEEE!"
Change Ramb$ne Gracie!
i've seen this anime
Ozzie
Last time I got laid it started with her grabbing my hand and putting it on her tit out of nowhere, so I can't fault any part of this plan.
gellaho
I wonder if this has anything to do with the beginning of the book
gellaho
LyraV
Just take a breath girlfriend, Jeff does not seem like a fast mover in that department give him some room. I'd say focus on yourself but Kelly might benefit from paying actual attention to Anything but herself.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frustrate Kelly into savaging you like a bear, Jeff.
Even Badger will be smashed
Oh come on. Brian didn't even get to do anything and he's already drowned?
FancyShark
lol. Flippant and Lyra giving very different advice
Even Badger will be smashed
We should run an advice column
beastmaster jakesy
Oh man I'm so going to nail my predictions
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
To different people tho.
gellaho
Oh, Brian. We hardly knew ye
gellaho
Literally
Even Badger will be smashed
Hahaha a teenager has fucking died
FancyShark
Paula, why is Brian's head tucked under your arm?
Ozzie
Paula's talking about her Dark Passenger there
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh nooooo that guy we kind of thought sucked. Nooooo.
beastmaster jakesy
Hell yeah one down, one to go
gellaho
Some panties for the kids
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Who will Kelly interrupt the fights of now?
Kelly he is dead as hell.
FancyShark
Porter is thinking about all the awards he's going to get when these kids pass the SATs
gellaho
Takes Kelly a while to figure out he sunk
Even Badger will be smashed
Why the fuck were they out in the rowboat anyway
FancyShark
Because Mitch is persuasive
beastmaster jakesy
The teacher was like yeah you guys can play in the boat or whatever
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kelly, I get it. Your Fallback Boyfriend is gone for good, and that's painful. But you gotta let it go, hon.
LyraV
Kelly is moving at lightning speed from assumption to assumption.
gellaho
Would be very ironic if that was Brian grabbing her leg
Even Badger will be smashed
Gweemush? she thought.
FancyShark
The next study session will be a great chance to demonstrate logic. "If Brian hasn't surfaced after X minutes, how likely is it that he will surface in the next minute?"
Even Badger will be smashed
Sentence of the fucking book right there
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Does Gweemush think I'm pretty?"
gellaho
Kathryn is great at setting a mood
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ooooh look at Kathryn, she can afford the FANCY pastel crayons.
FancyShark
Who the fuck is Dawn?
Even Badger will be smashed
The words "Chapter 7" fill me with a visceral dread
gellaho
"And he loved the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade!"
Ozzie
Same number as the amount of living teens left.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"She's not giving thanks thats for sure. Cos her boyfriend is dead, you see."
FancyShark
I hope this ends up being a stealth Thanksgiving story and Isabel's just mowing down the colonizers
gellaho
Paula's got a great alibi
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
With her grandads sweet kukri!
gellaho
Then, what,she cuts herself in half?
FancyShark
Just the Irish part!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yeah Sherlock, I told him the boat shit was dangerous and HE DIDNT LISTEN LIKE YOU ARENT DOING RIGHT NOW!"
Even Badger will be smashed
Split in two, just like dear old Eire
FancyShark
"Now we'll never be able to get the boat going fast enough to ski"
gellaho
Kelly's vagina quickly helps her forget her best friend
FancyShark
Jesus, Kelly. His body's not even cold yet
Even with the freezing water
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Jeff wont be of any use after freezing his dick off, great job KELLY!
He'll be too busy piecing it back together like the shattered lollipop in Kung Fu Hustle.
gellaho
Kelly's angry that she's not getting the truth, not that her crush blamed her best friend's death on himself
FancyShark
He's a real catch, Kelly
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean..............Jeff does have a point?
Safety is everyones job.
EVEN YOURS, BRIAN YOU DEAD ASS DINGUS!
FancyShark
We're ignoring the possibility that Brian saw a chance to get away from Paula and he took it
Ozzie
This is now reminding me of a Goosebumps book where campers start disappearing and dying off but then at the end they're all fine and it was a weird prank/social experiment thing.
gellaho
"You kids can suck it, I'm out"
Even Badger will be smashed
Dude's taking a taxi back to Baltimore right now, for sure
"You go that way, I'll go home!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yeah its a great idea to leave seven grieving teens alone in the woods. No way will that result in more murders OR group sex."
FancyShark
Curses. Now I'm thinking Porter killed Brian for scoring the lowest on the practice test
gellaho
Angel decides to keep her written threats
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He's just not ready to rip off his pants and reveal his goat legs and scream "HAIL PAN!" and chase them with a hatchet.
FancyShark
She's a goth. She probably writes that a dozen times a day
Ozzie
Black velvet-covered? Is there a sad clown or an Elvis on the back of it?
gellaho
The boy they called Nathan
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Angel is kind of a fair weather goth.
Ozzie
Horny loser + goth chick, no way this'll be awkward.
LyraV
Angel noooooooo
Ozzie
Which of them brings up bondage again first?
gellaho
Nathan decides this is a great time to get into theft
beastmaster jakesy
Also why does Kath keep switching to first person
FancyShark
Again, my high school thought process
Even Badger will be smashed
IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MON—wait
gellaho
More mystery! ISN'T IT INTERESTING
beastmaster jakesy
Some of you studied the insurance money, I studied the blade
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nathan if you know who did it you should be stabbing the hell out of them and not trying to get laid. Trust me, Angel will be much more impressed if you stab someone THEN try and make time.
FancyShark
Nathan's waking up in a bed of spiders
LyraV
Okay I was empathizing deeply but even my sad goth younger self would have been like 'old Nathan? wtf dude?'
beastmaster jakesy
Nathan's about to take the goth babe to Deep Creek
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And his balls covered in candle wax like its a Babybel cheese.
beastmaster jakesy
Lol
gellaho
I wonder what that could possibly mean
FancyShark
Then she remembered the effects of their dinner
beastmaster jakesy
Kelly would certainly know about nagging
Amirite fellas
Even Badger will be smashed
Because slimy is exactly what you expect the bottom of a boat to be
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It means Kelly didnt check the bottom of the boat to notice who else would have been in it. Because Kelly is an idiot.
FancyShark
Heyoooo! hahahaha, a boy died
gellaho
Angel decides to keep this stupid shit up
gellaho
Sad trombone
FancyShark
Brian's parents are going to spend the rest of their lives screaming whenever they see the letters "SAT"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
lol Angel is a shit stirrer.
FancyShark
Kelly's going to do great on the test
LyraV
Kellys heart will go on I'm sure.
gellaho
Jeff is a powerful warlock
Even Badger will be smashed
So on top of everything else Kelly is a precog. Fucking insufferable
FancyShark
Can they please have sex and attract and get eaten by a bear, already?
gellaho
Kelly is very stupid
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He has the pact of the Horny, and his Eldritch Blast cantrip causes the target to make a saving throw vs Horny.
LyraV
Now see if I found out Kelly was doing coke I wouldn't be surprised.
Even Badger will be smashed
Jesus CHRIST, Kelly, you goddamn dingbat.
beastmaster jakesy
Looks like Jeff's going to be slappin' the ol gooey stick for yet another night
FancyShark
Throw a little 1940s comical misunderstanding in your slasher plot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kelly you utter dipshit, he's known you for like five fuckin minutes, why would he be talking about girls to YOU?!
He should go and fuck the goth girl instead.
Even Badger will be smashed
Because he's a desperate loser
Desperate enough… to MURDERRR
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He's too much of a dorkus malorkus to be a murderer.
gellaho
Isabel tries to search the boy's room for her knife. Chris hulks out
beastmaster jakesy
Yeah I'm starting to think ol Klepto Nathan might be involved but Paula has been awful quiet
gellaho
Jeff is a very shitty wrestler
gellaho
Even Badger will be smashed
His hand was muscled?
FancyShark
So Chris is always one push away from murder?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah root around in the black kids stuff for stolen items first, Kathryn, that sets a great precedent.
gellaho
ROID RAGE
beastmaster jakesy
Lol
Why does he need the roids at study camp
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also Jeff youre a fucking WRESTLER and you cant wrestle one black dude? Kiss Harvard good bye my guy.
Even Badger will be smashed
The pills are for his crippling opioid addiction that he feels great shame and frustration about.
gellaho
GIVE ME LIQUID TESTOSTERONE
Even Badger will be smashed
The vials are for his thyroid eye disease.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They're experimental elephant abortion drugs, and this is Lenny Rises.
beastmaster jakesy
Maybe he or a loved one is suffering from mesothelioma
FancyShark
Chris, you doofus. Just strap a blade to your ankle like everyone else
Change Ramb$ne Gracie!
they're actually for his autoimmune condition. was embarrassed about keeping them in the fridge.
gellaho
Isabel forgets about her stolen knife because she's very excited about the roids
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Jeff I've SEEN YOU juice in the locker room dude. It's why your dick is like......you know.....a lil Baby Jesus."
FancyShark
Wow, he kicked the habit fast
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Aw Chris is gonna be beating his first wife soon.
gellaho
"I AM NOT AT ALL SUSPICIOUS," said Paula
Even Badger will be smashed
Isabel pumped Speech at level up
FancyShark
Isabel, if you date Chris, you'd better get used to wondering why the police haven't shown up
Change Ramb$ne Gracie!
his last name ain't brown is it?
gellaho
"I had never considered this to be weird before"
Even Badger will be smashed
Nah, this Chris can't sing
Wait. That doesn't clear it up at all
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Okay Jeff but consider this, you all suck and also can't wait to leave school at the end of the day.
FancyShark
"He hates students so much he'd drive out into the middle of the woods with eight of them"
beastmaster jakesy
I love that nobody thought about this until now
gellaho
Horny update: still horny even though she thinks he might have killed Brian
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Porter is out in the treeline naked but for a scrap of hide, painting himself with homemade woad.
beastmaster jakesy
Wait it's not normal for the teacher to take you outside civilization and ditch you?
She's going to be jerking at something soon
Even Badger will be smashed
"Jerking" is sure a choice of worfuck scooped
Change Ramb$ne Gracie!
bad boys are always popular
gellaho
Ah, Kelly's going insane
JAVO THE ALMIGHTY
thats every teacher tho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The best way to get some in high school is maybe be a murder suspect.
Even Badger will be smashed
Just now?
FancyShark
Oh no! The water's come back to finish them off!
LyraV
Damn it Kelly get it together
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kelly caught goth from Angel.
Cos that is a goth girl thought.
gellaho
In case you were wondering, the very major breasts get a call back
FancyShark
Thank god. I was worried this book wasn't going to be horny
Even Badger will be smashed
Major Minor's Majestic Mammaries
gellaho
Of course she can't swim, she'd melt. Duh
gellaho
beastmaster jakesy
Think she has double D's?
FancyShark
I can't play guitar. You don't see me crying about it.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Goths are notorious for negative buoyancy.
gellaho
Well, that was pointlessly drawn out
beastmaster jakesy
Ugh fine
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It really hurts their feelings when you bring it up.
beastmaster jakesy
DOUBLE D'S NUTS
gellaho
I love that Kelly thinks that diary would be evidence
It's not like Angel is dead, she can just say what she saw
Even Badger will be smashed
FancyShark
And no one questions that Angel sounds like a hellbeast when she yells
gellaho
Nathan's decided to get drunk and start showing off his stolen money
FancyShark
"Hustled so many squirrels"
LyraV
Kellys blood is in a constant state of rush
FancyShark
It's a serious medical condition
Her blood pressure must be astronomical
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Kelly..........I have a job. I work at McDonalds. You go there every week, how do you not recognize me? How do you think I got that motorcycle?!"
gellaho
"It's so great Brian died!"
FancyShark
I hope they include all this will-they-won't-they drama in Brian's eulogy
Even Badger will be smashed
"We'll never forget the tragic passing of our dear friend Brian"
"Who?"
gellaho
Thinking about Brian's bloated corpse gets me so hot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"So yeah having a hard on makes brain do not good, need blood there."
"Oh its great how we are kissing while little fishes nibble my rotting best friend in the cold dark of the lake."
FancyShark
Twist: These characters are all different personalities in the killer's mind
gellaho
Hey, Kathryn? Cold shower
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha Nathan talks like a vampire in a horny novel for women to masturbate to.
Even Badger will be smashed
Dude canonically gets turned on by rejection
FancyShark
Nathan tried all only of his moves and he's out of ideas
gellaho
Angel runs off into the woods
Ozzie
And yet Angel is oblivious
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Sometimes you have to be direct but damn bro, you arent even dating.
Ozzie
I forgot she was wearing a cloak for all of this.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Of course. Shes a goth.
gellaho
And, there we go, Kathryn officially put in an erection
Even Badger will be smashed
something tells me that's not the only hood of Nathan's that was dripping there
Hahah I was right?
LyraV
those damn accusing pants
gellaho
He meets a mysterious stranger in the woods
Even Badger will be smashed
✅ Buckskin
gellaho
What could go wrong with this knife throwing exhibition?
gellaho
WHO COULDST HAVE FORESEEN THIS BETRAYAL!?
FancyShark
Kathryn's been clever. No one talks like a human, so this could be anyone
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh man nothing sucks more than dying horny. Thats how you get horny ghosts.
gellaho
Don't you hate it when you get leaves in your hair?
Ozzie
The original idea for Ghostbusters involved more bustin'
FancyShark
In his last moments, Nathan realized how turned on this made him
gellaho
Try to angle that three way, Jeff
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Angel would be down for a threeway.
Jeff might find it more than he can deal with.
See: Wax coated balls.
FancyShark
Jeff finished when Kelly arrived
He's very out of his league
gellaho
They decide to ignore Angel and wait an hour first before looking
Somehow he's still alive
gellaho
Despite, you know, bleeding for an hour
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You can live for a surprisingly long time if you get stabbed.
Long as it misses the organs.
Even Badger will be smashed
Bleeding like a Kurosawa movie villain
beastmaster jakesy
Didn't he just say he felt his organs rupturing
gellaho
Cat fight!
Even Badger will be smashed
What else can I say but :Traxxine:
beastmaster jakesy
Oh shit come on Paula!
Ozzie
That knife death was way more penetration than I thought Nathan would be experiencing.
gellaho
So, uh, you going to say what you heard Isabel? No? Alright
beastmaster jakesy
Hmmmmm@mmmmmmmmmm who's the only person who was here at the start but is no longer here
Hmmmmmm such a mystery
Even Badger will be smashed
Holy shit, you don't think...
Brian tried to kill Brian!?!?!?!?!
gellaho
Snacks and shit updates
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I love how none of these kids have seen a horror movie and have no idea whats going on.
gellaho
People refusing to communicate: the book!
Even Badger will be smashed
The literal second they figure out it's Porter and there's more of them than him they can just beat the shit out of him and the book could be over
gellaho
"I'm going to stab the killer and then we'll have a tape recording of it. So cool!"
Even Badger will be smashed
the author suddenly remembers her self-insert needs to do something heroic
FancyShark
Dammit, there's an easy way to solve this. Burn the forest down.
gellaho
Meanwhile: Paula is definitely not acting suspiciously at all
gellaho
Perfectly sane
FancyShark
Kathryn looked up "yandere" and thought "That's easy"
Even Badger will be smashed
"we brnt da furest down masta wayn"
gellaho
Isabel heard Paula discussing a suicide pact with Brian, and thought that shouldn't be shared
gellaho
gellaho
For some reason
Well, it'd be rude to admit I was eavesdropping
beastmaster jakesy
Just when you thought it couldn't get any dumber
FancyShark
These kids are acting so wanton
gellaho
"It couldn't possibly be that Paula killed him, though"
gellaho
Isabel can fix him!
Even Badger will be smashed
Brian reveals he's still alive after murdering everyone else and that he and Kelly are brother and sister and also he's crazy in love with her, hahaha wouldn't that be crazy?
Wait that's actually how Harper's Island ended
Ozzie
I fuckin' knew it
gellaho
If Kelly's not careful she might slip on her own fluids
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The paranoia is starting to set in.
FancyShark
Kelly knew what she had to do. She'd have to kill them all.
LyraV
that everything else is carrying a lot of future disappointment for Kelly
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh........no I just thought it would be......nicer looking."
gellaho
I don't understand this plan
gellaho
FancyShark
I was hoping she'd recreate the blood test scene from The Thing
gellaho
gasp Paula!?
gellaho
Whaaaaaaaaaaaa
FancyShark
Kelly's never heard of "lying"
beastmaster jakesy
Hell yeah, time to collect on my wager
gellaho
Weird that you brought up Porter like he was involved then immediately reversed there
FancyShark
GASP!
PAULA IS PORTER!
gellaho
"I would have let you go if it was just Brian, but Nathan is a smelly drunk harasser who deserves to live!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"THERE IS NO PORTER ONLY PAULA! HAIL PAN!" she screamed as the knife plunged.
FancyShark
Weird time to bring up eye color
Even Badger will be smashed
"I'd never do anything to hurt him! I'd only convince him to drown himself in the lake! Not the same thing!"
gellaho
Carefully calculated pocket rocks
gellaho
beastmaster jakesy
EINHORN IS FINKLE!
gellaho
Friendzoned beyond the grave
FancyShark
His irregular shape collection!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Be real funny if Paula didnt actually do any of this.
gellaho
I think the part where she admitted to being a sociopath might be a clue that she didn't care about stabbing Nathan
gellaho
Who is still alive, it's weird you seem to care more about him than your dead best friend
FancyShark
This is going to affect Paula's test score
gellaho
"Hold on, death is painful? I hadn't considered that"
Even Badger will be smashed
Did. Did Brian not consider bringing a life jacket in case this exact situation happened
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Im getting the feeling Brian maybe suggested the whole thing as a way to get rid of Paula.
gellaho
This really does just go on and on
Even Badger will be smashed
Kathryn really wanted this to be a miniseries
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
God just have a knife fight you tedious little shits.
FancyShark
"First time he'd ever gone down"
gellaho
Holy shit, Kelly really would have let her get away with killing her best friend if she hadn't stabbed Nathan
LyraV
The adventures of Detective Kelly and her nonstop rushing stupidity
gellaho
What the fuck
FancyShark
hahahahaha
Kelly is just the worst
beastmaster jakesy
She needs some post nut clarity real bad
Even Badger will be smashed
if this self insert is at all representative of the author, Kathryn is just a real piece of shit
gellaho
You are terrible at this, Kelly
beastmaster jakesy
She'll die the same way she lived: stupidly
gellaho
Hahahahaaaaaaaaaa
GDC-TOWN
Gee, indeed
beastmaster jakesy
Lol
beastmaster jakesy
Where is everyone else during all this
FancyShark
That. Is. Perfect.
LyraV
No notes.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
lol well at least Kelly didnt get it in a vital part, just her thinkmeat.
Even Badger will be smashed
Blissfully unaware that their friend is being murdered, just as Kelly planned
gellaho
Meanwhile, Angel decides to relive some personal tragedies nearby in the bushes
FancyShark
holy fuck, Kathryn
beastmaster jakesy
Has Nathan bled out yet
FancyShark
He's only lost 12 liters so far
So, no
gellaho
Angel finishes reminiscing just in time to not stop the head wound
FancyShark
Porter is so fired
gellaho
Welp, that was pointless
FancyShark
Once, twice, three times an evidence tampering
gellaho
Jeff is lost
Even Badger will be smashed
Join the club, mate
gellaho
Luckily runs into Angel
FancyShark
"I don't know if she's hurt. She looked like she could take a punch."
gellaho
Angel decides some interpretive dance is in order
beastmaster jakesy
Are rocks hard?
gellaho
Kelly's mouth tastes like rubber...for reasons
FancyShark
Jeff is learning that his sexual impulses kill women
gellaho
You gotta moisten those lips
Even Badger will be smashed
Things that needed smoothing down on this teenager:
- Shoulder blades
- ass
-
gellaho
All Paula knows is rocks
FancyShark
God it would rule if the lake was only a few inches deep
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kelly is fortunately just as cogent as before she got head trauma so thats looking good.
LyraV
All this delicate planning and rocks were the real murderer all along.
gellaho
@FancyShark can you confirm?
FancyShark
Pfft. In that lake? Maybe if they had a groupon
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is lake shark erasure and I wont stand for it, Kelly.
GDC-TOWN
Best she can hope for is maybe some muskie.
gellaho
Time to fight crazy with crazy
beastmaster jakesy
Her first good strategy yet
FancyShark
hahahaha, Kelly's brain got switched on
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Paula you are about to be outwitted by a dippy moo with a head injury. Comment?
beastmaster jakesy
Hey Paula you were right I was totally fucking Brian and he said you suck
gellaho
Kelly is only capable of reasoning when she's lost a lot of blood
FancyShark
Kelly's going to be smashing her head with a brick every time she encounters a tricky SAT question
gellaho
TIME TO STAB!
Even Badger will be smashed
"WANTON!" bonk "WANTON!" bonk
GDC-TOWN
So I just got here but are these two women bringing up high school beefs as they fight over a dude while bleeding out?
gellaho
That loss of blood is a double edged sword
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
More or less.
gellaho
Strong in mind, weak in body
FancyShark
They're two students at an SAT study camp. Paula killed her own boyfriend, Kelly's childhood friend, out of jealousy
Even Badger will be smashed
This is some fucking Riverdale shit
gellaho
Suddenly: Jeff
FancyShark
And Paula? Taken by the lake sharks
Even Badger will be smashed
"there was a fight but I can't be assed to write it, don't worry Jeff won"
gellaho
ARE YOU SHITTING ME
beastmaster jakesy
One student is drowning at 10 mph and the other is drowning at 25 mph. How long until they collide?
FancyShark
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha snitches get stitches.
gellaho
What in the actual fuck
beastmaster jakesy
Lol
FancyShark
"Kelly and the SAT group knew better, but the Lopezes didn't deserve justice or closure"
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Porter
beastmaster jakesy
Also what about all the stabbed and beaten kids
FancyShark
HAHAHAHAHA
Porter, you fucking suck
LyraV
Oh Porter you are so fired.
beastmaster jakesy
Lol wat
Even Badger will be smashed
HA
FancyShark
This ending almost makes up for all of it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha he's going to be lucky to not be charged with negligence.
gellaho
Yeah, that still doesn't really make sense
gellaho
FancyShark
hahahahaha
gellaho
Also, all that and he just caught his toe?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
lol Paula really planned this.
gellaho
Fuck you, Kathryn, you suck
beastmaster jakesy
Nathan is on his 50th gallon of blood by now
FancyShark
Paula must have an outstanding lawyer
gellaho
Nathan also hates all of them
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah I wouldn't want to hang out with them either.
gellaho
Are you fucking serious? She was fucking crazy! She made the stranger up
FancyShark
Nathan finally caught up with us
Kelly's head has healed. The stupid can't leak any more
beastmaster jakesy
Kelly still has that brain injury apparently
LyraV
She bashed your head in with a rock Kelly
gellaho
That's what tipped you off!?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
These kids all deserved to get murdered. THIS is the lingering question they had that KELLY had to figure out for them?
KELLY IS THE HERCULE POIROT IN THIS BOOK.
FancyShark
Kathryn isn't just flubbing the landing. She's getting banned from the event
gellaho
This could not be a simpler mystery, Kathryn, why are you pretending this shit is at all relevant
beastmaster jakesy
She expected to be beyond pain
Even Badger will be smashed
"She expected to be beyond pain"
beastmaster jakesy
Apparently goth girl is rubbing off on all of them
FancyShark
lol
This feels like someone trying to explain the hidden meanings in The Little Engine That Could
Even Badger will be smashed
It's just. It's beyond parody
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They all caught the goth. You really have to be careful when you make friends with a goth.
gellaho
Jesus Christ, these kids are dumb
Even Badger will be smashed
No one could be this batshit on purpose
beastmaster jakesy
FOR YOU SEE PAULA WAS A LIAR
gellaho
"I thought you might cover up a murder for someone you kind of knew because you went to the same school"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I figured it would be bad to be the lone non white girl accusing the white girls."
FancyShark
Kathryn, you are so bad at this
LyraV
Maybe one more pseudonym and you can make it not exist anymore author.
beastmaster jakesy
Oh shit I forgot we're dealing with someone with a Reading Diploma
gellaho
"Are you serious? Yes, 100% yes"
beastmaster jakesy
Lol
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
If I wrote something this bad under a pseudonym, I would make a third pseudonym and blog about how bad I am as an author and make myself my own literary nemesis.
beastmaster jakesy
"There were 5 of us and 1 murderer, could we have done anything to stop her if I told the others????"
FancyShark
These kids were going to take the SATs when they shouldn't be allowed to carry sharp objects
gellaho
Kelly, seems more like you wanted Brian dead
Even Badger will be smashed
Reading apparently didn't cover Writing
Even Badger will be smashed
Yeah that sounds like high schoolers
beastmaster jakesy
No the real tragedy is that he died you dipshit
gellaho
"Because your conscious is so very, very dumb"
FancyShark
Okay, this ending was worth it
gellaho
Friendzoned at the grave
Even Badger will be smashed
"It was a parlor mystery the whole time you guys, you just thought it was a slasher! Swerved!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
God and it still manages to cram a teen life lesson in there.
beastmaster jakesy
Everyone press F to pay respects to Brian
gellaho
"Ugh, this trial is going to be such a drag"
gellaho
And let's conclude with making out on his grave
beastmaster jakesy
The ultimate friendzoning
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
bow chicka bow wow
FancyShark
"I knew he was the one for me when he stuck his tongue in my mouth while standing on my best friend's grave"
gellaho
God, I hope that last sentence is a lie
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its how Brian would have wanted it.
Even Badger will be smashed
One more nom de plume for the road
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I hope when I die one of you will make out on my grave.
gellaho
We have defeated Crash Course
Even Badger will be smashed
That was fucking insanity.
FancyShark
We did it!
Superb riffing, everyone!
LyraV
I wonder if any of them passed the SATs
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho !
FancyShark
Only if they had rocks
beastmaster jakesy
That's the sequel
gellaho
So concludes the 84th Edition of the Book Cage
gellaho
May all your breasts be very major
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This one was unusually bonkers, even for a Book Cage book.
FancyShark
That ending was incredible
LyraV
This one was straight dope
just completely bananas
FancyShark
She spent the entire book on nothing, then backloaded the whole story in ten pages
gellaho
It's a spiritual sequel that takes place in the Florida Keys. As you can tell by the giant cliffs (?)
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And taught us all a valuable lesson about talking when you have a girlfriend who wants to have a suicide pact.
gellaho
It might actually be worse, but shorter
FancyShark
I can't wait
beastmaster jakesy
My god
FancyShark
Dammit, @Brendan , you better not miss when we read that one
You too, @GDC-TOWN !
And everyone here!
But for now, have a great night, everyone!
gellaho
Just a preview: it involves treasure from a Spanish galleon washing up on shore and a high school class from Ohio cataloging it
And there are already like 15 things wrong with that
And maybe actual magic?
GDC-TOWN
Sorry I mostly missed this one, but I got third place at the pub trivia I went to instead.
gellaho
Don't worry, we have a whole year of pain ahead of us
In case any of you need writing help, Kathryn has a wide range of services http://kathrynjohnsonllc.com/
