Time Wars #2: The Timekeepers Conspiracy Simon Hawke
Second in the new time travel adventure series!
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gellaho
The Book Cage Episode 88 - Time Wars #2: The Timekeeper Conspiracy
Your boy Simon Hawke is back, this time in time travel form. In the 29th Century, nations and corporations resolve their conflicts in The Time Wars, where groups of soldiers are sent back in time to compete in historical battles overseen by referees. Does this matter to the plot of this book or any Time Wars book? Not really. Instead, what you get is fan fiction about old ass books. This Friday 5pm, eastern, join me in preventing the terrorist organization known as The Timekeepers from destroying the time stream by messing with the plot of a Three Musketeers story. Don't think about it too hard.
gellaho
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Okay but this cover instantly rocks
If this were on store shelves today I would buy that shit so damn fast
GDC
It looks like the Question went to a renfair/sci-fi convention.
gellaho
Probably should have cleaned that blood off Simon Hawke
Oh well
jakesy “the korf magician”
Nah it checks out with Hawke vibes.
FancyShark
Might be a bit late to the read today. Work stuff
gellaho
A little over an hour until Time Wars #2: The Timekeeper Conspiracy. Here is the preview.
gellaho
I will now review everything you need to know from the first book, which isn't much.
In the 29th Century, nations and corporations resolve their conflicts in The Time Wars, where groups of soldiers are sent back in time to compete in historical battles overseen by referees. This doesn't effect the 29th century because time flows like a river. Disturbances are like rocks, if the disturbances are small enough the river will go around and rejoin into the same stream. However, if the disturbance is large enough, the river splits in twain.
Our heroes are trying to prevent this.
Does this actually matter for the plot of this book? Not particularly.
There are four characters that survived the first book that you'll need to know.
Our time commandos are:
1) Lucas Priest: theoretically the main character. Personality: N/A
2) Finn Delaney: drunk & insubordinate. Oddly, usually takes the role of the main character in the past although not in this one.
Then you have Reese Hunter, the deserter from the preview. He was a time referee who went back to the 12th century to live as a sorcerer hermit.
Finally, you have the most interesting character: Andre de la Croix. She was a woman posing as a male knight in the 12th century before she found out about time travel. Reese Hunter decided to take her with him on his time journeys
gellaho
And you really don't even need to know all that
gellaho
Tell. Them. To. Suck. It.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Jump on your desk, tear off your shirt, and scream "I DONT WANT TO BE THIS KIND OF ANIMAL ANYMORE!" and run out the door into the bathroom and do Book Cage from there.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Okay so. They're sending gladiators back in time to do historical reenactment battles
Can't they just. Have a historical reenactment battle. In the present?
Star King Flippant Sausage
Not without time travel.
Its absolutely critical.
gellaho
There's probably a long explanation in the first book, but I read that like two years ago and don't remember. The actual Time Wars are actually fairly irrelevant to these books, they're more like Time Spies
The later books in this series have like a 10 page timeline that I have never and will never look at
Star King Flippant Sausage
Time spies sounds so cool and I know it could never deliver.
Brendan
STEELE YOURSELVES
Star King Flippant Sausage
:SteeleYourself:
Brendan
HAWKE YOUR WARES
SIMONIZE YOUR VEHICLES FOR SELF-INSERT
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
Guard your human dicks.
gellaho
Time to begin the process
Star King Flippant Sausage
Clutch your time amulets, friends.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Remarkably small book. Portable, even
Star King Flippant Sausage
it's almost dainty.
gellaho
I be a giant
Things are not going well for Ferret
Floygen
GRAY FOX COWBOY
Star King Flippant Sausage
You know you're a bad secret agent when the super secret squirrel handlers give you the code name that is a doofy hillbilly stink weasel.
gellaho
Really not well
Star King Flippant Sausage
Hahahah you fucked up so bad already, Ferret.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Oh so just the transmitter is fucked huh
gellaho
Vivisection is quite undignified
Brendan
Does the first signal have a messaging purpose or is it just a locational signal?
Floygen
'Goddammit, who put the ground chuck in the time machine'
Star King Flippant Sausage
"Jason, get the hoses, we lost another one. Put a call in to Mink and Ermine."
gellaho
Well, it was nice knowing Ferret
Brendan
So undignified being lulled to my rest by singing birds and sunshine.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Sucks to be you, Ferret. Off to that Petsmart display in the sky.
Floygen
This is less cold and more an absolute zero open
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
ligma nu...
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
I'm glad he got that gig with Malibu if nothing else
Star King Flippant Sausage
Its going to be really undignified in a second when the Probulator comes to harvest his scent glands.
Floygen
Great Book Cage, everyone! Well done! Didn't have a lot to work with, but hey...
gellaho
Meanwhile
Floygen
oh
Star King Flippant Sausage
Lucas Priest is the worst Mother 3\Judas Priest mashup band ever.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
I'm really glad Rob Halford decided to keep brainstorming band names.
Fuck, scooped
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
If there's anything this author knows it's repetitive experiences.
Brendan
Get your bets in now for our Ice's name.
Star King Flippant Sausage
"Obeying my Mom." was just the worst single, some things just arent metal.
Brutality of Stubborn Ramb$ne
Heckbent for Letters just didn't hit the same
Floygen
Call sign: Macaque
Brutality of Stubborn Ramb$ne
neither did Callin' the Cops
Star King Flippant Sausage
That one song about ibuprofen was weird.
gellaho
Thanks for the recap, Simon
gellaho
Star King Flippant Sausage
I wanted them to go with a Megaman style naming convention for the protag, and code name him something like Volt Mandrill or something.
The entire Referee Corps has magnificent thighs.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Aaand we're already way too timey wimey to be making sense
GDC
I'm not going to be around tonight, have fun everyone!
Floygen
whistle 'FLAG ON THE PLAY! ILLEGAL TIMEZONE VARIABLE!'
Star King Flippant Sausage
Fuck you book, you do not get to start referencing time travel like it would have nonproliferation treaties.
SALT my ass.
Brendan
We're not allowed to have time travel till we eradicate borders and special interests.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
"Personal foul: roughing the time stream. Half the distance to the nexus event. Automatic: first down."
gellaho
Ultimate freedom means living in the middle of the woods pretending to be a wizard
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Fucking Gary Seven and his socialist agenda. grumble grumble
Star King Flippant Sausage
Shit, ultimate freedom sounds like a fun weekend playing D&D in a cabin.
Brendan
Hunter's partner, Rip Kyle, was a cybernetic organism with synthetic flesh.
Floygen
'The future was doomed the moment those assholes mixed peanut butter with chocolate'
I know that was low effort I'm sorry
gellaho
The swinging Time Commandos bachelor pads
gellaho
Floygen
So far this book just makes me want to play Timesplitters 2
gellaho
✅ Redhead
Star King Flippant Sausage
Timesplitters 2, where they said yes to dual wielded sawed off shotguns.
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
Is that the one where you can do penguin curling?
Floygen
Wow, gellaho, how did you know I needed a haircut?
Star King Flippant Sausage
Emblazoning an armband with a rank insignia is a great way to attract chronosnipers.
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
That was worth a lot of post-bar fun in our old apartment back in the day.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Next thing you know your officers are turning into babies or lesser apes.
Floygen
You can do stuff with monkeys, I know that. Not sure about penguins
gellaho
Didn't expect the drunkenness and insubordination to come up immediately, but here we are
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
Right, it was monkeys. Durp.
It's been at least a decade plus 😅
Floygen
Same. I wish they'd re-release them already. 2 and Future Perfect were so good
Anyways, back to the time drama.
Star King Flippant Sausage
My guy you cannot have your blouse unbuttoned in the officers club. Fuck you, you're just wrong. Not even "loose cannon" wrong.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
#FreeTheNipple
gellaho
Doesn't seem like the anti-aging drugs are working too well
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
How far unbuttoned?
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Antiagathic
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
Didn't want to rip off Herbert and call it geriatric?
Star King Flippant Sausage
"When I was a young man we made do with our BRONZE time machines!"
gellaho
Confusion to the French
Floygen
Man, I never ever thought I would have a use for that besides cracking myself up, especially not like four years ago
Brendan
We may not have been able to use these digital timepads, but we could write in cursive when we got back to the Continental Congrefs
Star King Flippant Sausage
Time suck it, France.
Floygen
People have no excuses to be late to meetings in universes with available time travel
'Yes, I'll be to our office meeting this morning in five weeks after my twelfth vacation'
gellaho
Time Terrorists
gellaho
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
Legit the best use for that sort of technology.
Star King Flippant Sausage
"Hey you know that character we talked about? Forget his ass, he dead."
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
How exactly does one do terrorist activity to the time stream as part of the Time Preservation League
Star King Flippant Sausage
You do 9\11
Floygen
I mean, you did kind of render the job of a Timekeeper useless by proxy. I can understand why they'd be at least a little upset
gellaho
If I remember correctly, he invented time travel and has been dead for a while
Bring me my time dinner on my time plate
Star King Flippant Sausage
Dead, forget about him.
Floygen
'Dear, you haven't touched your entropeas at all. What's wrong?'
Star King Flippant Sausage
They are really missing the opportunity to add "chrono" to things.
gellaho
Why's it always gotta be France
gellaho
Next book is about the goddamned Scarlett Pimpernel. Doubled up on France
Brendan
This whole thing is about the Troubles, isn't it?
Brendan
It's kinda like the DRNK
Star King Flippant Sausage
Oh good, Louis XIII is one of the better Louises.
gellaho
It's about writing fanfiction about the three musketeers
Brendan
A time-assassin killed him in between dialogue and the history changed.
gellaho
Please forget that they are fictional
Floygen
That's a trigger name for Richie Rich, be careful, Simon
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
The episode of Gadget Boy about going back to Three Musketeers times was better than this
Star King Flippant Sausage
Fun Cardinal Richlieu fact, he may have invented the table knife.
gellaho
Cut to: 12th Century Lady Knight in 17th Century France
Star King Flippant Sausage
TIME!
Floygen
And just like La Croix, this story seems pretty watered down
Brendan
Before that people would just yell at you for bringing your dueling knife to the table.
Star King Flippant Sausage
It's SO HARD to eat chicken with a misericorde.
And their chicken sucked ass back then.
gellaho
The Girl Squire And Old Knight on ABC
gellaho
Floygen
Oh, I've figured it out - call sign: Charcuterie
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
An extremely dry and flavorless retelling of the backstory of this novel's most interesting character
gellaho
Simon saved all the characterization for Andre
Floygen
Hey, when you don't have breasts weighing you down
I'm sorry, is there actually going to be an android cowboy at some point, or is Simon pulling my leg?
Brendan
Androgynous knight is basically an android cowboy.
Star King Flippant Sausage
The android cowboy is sometimes the friends you made along the way, but in a metaphorical sense.
gellaho
You seem to have come up with that idea on your own
Floygen
That's just the first thing my brain comprehended with the cover
gellaho
That is a musketeer with a lightsaber. Which you'll kind of get
Floygen
What with the metallic sheen, laser sword and apparent lack of facial features
Eh, close enough. They were pretty much renaissance cowboys, right?
gellaho
Well, now it's a chronoplate
Star King Flippant Sausage
So what I'm hearing is this book will also be skipping over the parts of the Three Musketeers where they spend many pages trying to find mistresses to finance their lifestyles?
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Oh I know this. The chronoplate is what you get for winning World's Strongest Man
Floygen
I was wondering why this book was so French
gellaho
I mean, I'm definitely skipping over the parts just about the three musketeers because I absolutely do not care
Andre does not have time for this French floofiness
Floygen
My expectations have been curbed, I have established myself as an idiot, and we may now proceed with... shopping
gellaho
Sick burn on 17th century French men
Floygen
These people invented time travel just to become the fashion police, damn
Brendan
'She detested the lice which preferred unpowdered hair."
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
The senseless foolishness is what makes it fun!
gellaho
Who's on First?
Star King Flippant Sausage
No its easy to explain surgery. They HAD surgery in the 12th century.
It wasnt very good but it WAS surgery.
Floygen
'Don't you need soil and water for that? I'm confused, probably because this text needs to be padded out.'
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
"It's like butchery but better, and generally trying to keep the patient alive"
Star King Flippant Sausage
More along the lines of "Cut off your feet because you have an ingrown toenail" than anything but its still surgery.
Floygen
This guy wouldn't last a day in ophthalmology school smh
Star King Flippant Sausage
"Hey you know those weird guys with bloodstained aprons who cut hair? They also do fun stuff with meat, and in the future they stop cutting hair."
gellaho
Meanwhile, a prostitute attempts to seduce a gay guy
Star King Flippant Sausage
Whats the world coming to when you cant get your kidnapper to fuck you?
gellaho
A very fun way to call someone a slut
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Time travel!!
Star King Flippant Sausage
"ITS NOT A BRAND! its just a birthmark."
Brendan
Not a good look, Tay!
Star King Flippant Sausage
"Also its not a fleur de lys, you goob. Its shaped like a boot."
Floygen
Well, you sure showed her. I bet she'll think twice about... continuing to do what she's been doing for a living
gellaho
You always want a doctor with shakey hands
Star King Flippant Sausage
Its a bold choice to appropriate a fictional character from a book most people havent read for your time travel book most people wont read, I'll give em that.
gellaho
This, if anything, is the series Simon is known for. Which I don't understand because Steele and Psychodrome rules
Anyway, surprise!
Floygen
Good old :SteeleYourself:
Star King Flippant Sausage
Body double, sure. Nice job, Doc.
gellaho
Getting murdered by yourself, that's rough
Floygen
Oh, so now we're getting Time God involved
Star King Flippant Sausage
Chrono Jesus wont show up until 2098.
gellaho
Doc's never seen a dead body before
Star King Flippant Sausage
I mean you kinda DID have to kill her, Doc.
What were you gonna do otherwise?
All the things I can think of are more fucked up than a quick decapping.
gellaho
"Jimmy? Jimmy? Did you go somewhere?"
Floygen
I can smell the Reddit from this guy's character design, and it stinks
gellaho
Agent Jackass had to retire after all the ball shots
Star King Flippant Sausage
I guess the time terrorists didnt have a woman on hand who could body swap?
More mustelid code names too.
Floygen
'Turns out time-travel can't allow us to fix a bull horn to the appendix'
gellaho
Uncheck the redhead box
Floygen
Her call sign has to be Chameleon. I don't care if they've already said it.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Reversible redheadism.
Truly the wonders of futurescience.
Brendan
In 2570, natural redheads are almost extinct. Sowing Auburn Liaisons Temporally seeks to change that.
Floygen
That's a new one for the science journals - chronomelanodysplasia
gellaho
Finn and Lucas go to an Inn where D'Artagnan picks a fight with them. So Finn beats the shit out of him
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Nothing but respect for the source material, I see
gellaho
I mean, it would really be nothing if he didn't change anything
Floygen
This fight will end four more times
before the page turns
gellaho
KARATE TIME
Star King Flippant Sausage
Couldnt have been proper karate. He didnt yell HIIIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAH!
gellaho
D'Artagnan responds with some professional wrasslin
Star King Flippant Sausage
Sensei Doug would be ashamed.
Floygen
That's two, two more to go
Star King Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah, fuck up this time nerd with a solid French chair.
Brendan
W. HOCK HOCHHEIM: HEIM COP
Floygen
unless she can't fight while unconscious, which, if she can't, I mean, what are we doing here
Brendan
It's "Heim time!" he screeches before accidentally killing Gilgamesh.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Gilgamesh has it coming.
Brendan
"Looks like these Be Bad Now Boys...are outta: time." He muttered, adjusting his bronze-age bolo
Floygen
In two messages Brendan has managed to construct a more compelling story than Simon Hawke
gellaho
The Count de Rochefort shows up (whoever that is) and one of his guard uses the same technique
Brendan
Heim writes the way he does because he has to explain everything to Time Idiots.
Brendan
See? Classic Heim.
Kicking when he promised punching.
Brendan
Taking this as a promise to buy my eventual book.
gellaho
Turns out that guard is mongoose
Floygen
Eventually!
Star King Flippant Sausage
Simon really really liked Three Musketeers and apparently believes you have to use every part of the book when you kill it.
Floygen
So this is the historical version of Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe, then
I'm sorry guys, I'm eternally fated not to understand anything
gellaho
Doc has gone missing and Hunter needed him for that implant. He is experiencing the French ennui
Star King Flippant Sausage
Just normal time shenanigans, Doc is probably doing surgery on a dinosaur and cant show up for your super cool secret rendez-vous.
Brendan
The implants can't perfect your accent?
Star King Flippant Sausage
Hunter needs to start smoking for the full French ennui to set it.
gellaho
Andre goes out to buy what constitutes masculine clothing in 17th century France
Star King Flippant Sausage
God are we back to this again?
gellaho
Then experiences wild mood swings as she rides through Paris
Star King Flippant Sausage
Crowded and noisy, not two things medieval military camps were famous for, huh Andre?
gellaho
Then she runs into D'Artagnon attempting to duel all Three Musketeers before a guard shows up. I'll leave that as an exercise for yourselves
Star King Flippant Sausage
Simon probably just copied it word for word anyway.
gellaho
Andre intervenes and falls into horse manure
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
French Psychic Bigfoot hypnotized her into dropping to all fours and eating shit
Star King Flippant Sausage
Le Grand Pied!
gellaho
Well, this really puts the horse shit into perspective
Star King Flippant Sausage
Oh noooooo that guy we didnt care about.
Brendan
Reese got creased!
Star King Flippant Sausage
Too bad Andre hoarded all the character traits, we might have felt a twinge of emotion.
gellaho
Meanwhile, Lucas and Finn have found great accommodation
gellaho
gellaho
He had a lot of shine in the first book
Brendan
JUST GET A CAT
gellaho
Mongoose shows up and reveals that he wants to kill Jesus? Or something?
gellaho
Star King Flippant Sausage
I mean........Jesus already dies in the end (spoilers) so........
Fill your boots, Mongoose.
Maybe you can make him double dead?
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
If we're going by Time Hitman rules, does the crucifixion qualify as an accident kill
gellaho
Mongoose seems fun
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
He produced a laser
Just pulled a whole ass energy beam out of his pocket
gellaho
He is from the future
Star King Flippant Sausage
Mongoose is kind of an asshole, I bet he gets a lot of complaints to Time HR.
Brendan
Mongoose throws douche waves
gellaho
The devices get crazier as these books go on
I didn't know "Forget that noise" was invented in 1984
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
He time traveled and learned it from the future, then brought it back and made it popular. Bootstrap paradox
gellaho
Andre just hanging out with a dead body for two days in her underwear, no biggie
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Oh, that must have been a pleasant stench to room with.
Star King Flippant Sausage
God Andre, at least throw him to the pigs. Its France, theyll be understanding. Just say he was English.
gellaho
Comically erotic and dangerous
Star King Flippant Sausage
Dangerous for a person who's never used a rapier anyway.
gellaho
In comes the bad guy with the light tube
Star King Flippant Sausage
Laser pen is so useful! Take it with you everywhere.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
No one's stream is that powerful, Hawke. I don't care how much water you've had today.
gellaho
Well then
gellaho
Crisis averted
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Hahah get fucking squashed, you nerd
Also Terrorist Larynx is a sick punk band name
Brendan
PUNCHES CREED: Dagger vs Laser
gellaho
Time to dismember the bodies
Star King Flippant Sausage
Terrorist forgets the first rule of Knife Vs Laser.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
I feel like Simon is working out his frustration re: dismemberment being patched out of the Jedi Knight games.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Extraordinary? Pffft. Any woman I know is totally ready to dismember a body.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Too bad the internet didnt exist back then, he could have found out how to get it back in.
gellaho
And the groups just miss each other. Well, I'm sure you'd forget the lady knight who saved your ass on your last mission
Star King Flippant Sausage
Understandable. Shes standing up and not covered in horse shit, and Lucas has Standing Blindness.
gellaho
The lips were those of a voluptuary
gellaho
Gimme them liiiips, Simon
Star King Flippant Sausage
👄
Brendan
This could have been the most New Wave movie ever made.
gellaho
Go to the future and get the dick of your dreams, fellas
Brendan
Instead that title goes to Dune.
Star King Flippant Sausage
I mean yeah, thats what I'm hoping for for the future of medicine. Dick reshaping and restoration.
Brendan
Still hope for Steele.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Dicks for the dickless (who want them.)
gellaho
Here's some of my blood from the first time I read this
gellaho
Oh, and Taylor's gone crazy
Star King Flippant Sausage
Method acting is still bizarre and unsettling to the Men of Tomorrow.
gellaho
Jimmy is very astute
Star King Flippant Sausage
It sounds like Taylor kinda wants to murderfuck Mongoose.
gellaho
Probably
The Musketeers found that manure quite arousing
Brendan
and God help Mongoose, now Taylor has Milady's skills to achieve that end.
gellaho
D'Artagnan then fucks his landlord's wife, so that manure allure didn't last long
Star King Flippant Sausage
Normal Three Musketeers stuff.
Simon resting his vast imagination again.
gellaho
Turns out Time Wars is all about TUBES
gellaho
Anti-Grav unlimited had RODS Time Wars has TUBES
Star King Flippant Sausage
Time is a series of tubes. Like the internet.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Time doesn't really flow like a river. It's more of a series of tubes
FUCK
Scooped again, curses
gellaho
D'Artagnan has mastered the art of the dick kick
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
The most true to form Three Musketeers fight move thus far tbh
gellaho
Andre puts on her Zorro costume
Star King Flippant Sausage
D'Artagan went to the 70's and learned some Karate from Py Bateman.
gellaho
It's almost like using karate in 17th century was a bad idea
Star King Flippant Sausage
Or maybe the BEST idea.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
"What does katana mean?"
"It means 'Japanese sword'."
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
Oh this is going to split the timeline for sure.
gellaho
Meanwhile, Mongoose is back to hassle Finn and Lucas
gellaho
Which seems to be all he does
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
Nosebleed?
Star King Flippant Sausage
"If I was a cleaning woman you would be dead" is making me think Mongoose is Fenton Hardy's great great grandson.
gellaho
I think I cut my fingers on a broken wineglass
Star King Flippant Sausage
's Clone.
gellaho
Just an absolute dick
gellaho
Seems like mongoose also wants a piece of Taylor. Take that however you want
Star King Flippant Sausage
I kinda hope they shoot Mongoose in the back when he isnt looking.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
"What does it mean that this terrorist is better than the average terrorist" is easily in the running for stupidest question of the book
Brendan
See your problem is a samurai can deflect a laser with his katana (a type of sword used by samurai.) You need machine guns, that's historically been a useful means of samurai dispatch.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Its nice he returns Taylors feelings tho.
Brendan
So many words to call Taylor a Batman villain.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Oh man the Joker would totally get bottom surgery and fuck Batman.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Highly effective but you have to beware your opponent doesn't have a Tom Cruise Samurai on the field. Those are immune to machine gun
gellaho
It's good that no other Moreau's ever show up in this series
gellaho
Especially no doctors with that name
Star King Flippant Sausage
hehehehe ex-seamen.
gellaho
Dr Moreau shows up in book 7
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Oh god damn it
Does he at least wear an ice bucket on his head?
Star King Flippant Sausage
hahahaha yeah.
gellaho
Oh, no it rules. By that point Simon has completely stopped giving a shit
gellaho
I mean, I'm not going to tell you what he does. But it's fucking crazy
Book 7 is the Ancient Greek one, so when I tell you it doesn't make sense. It really doesn't make sense
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
W—
What the fuck is Dr Moreau doing in Ancient Greece
Star King Flippant Sausage
Providing King Leonidas catboys for the Spartan army to fuck?
FancyShark
Hopefully making chimeras
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Holy shit does he make the Minotaur???
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
oh hey turns out that phrase summons me
gellaho
spoilers
Brendan
Can I get a quick odds check on Rex Moran?
Star King Flippant Sausage
Say it three times into a mirror and you get free legal advice before the ice pick enters your ear.
FancyShark
May I also get a quick summarizationing?
gellaho
Doc explains to Andre 1500 years in a couple of hours
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
another 1500 and he'll be andre 3000
gellaho
It's Three Musketeers but there's a lady knight masquerading as a man and the villain is an insane man posing as a female prostitute
FancyShark
Rad
Star King Flippant Sausage
A time terrorist got bottom surgery to own his non terrorist rival.
FancyShark
Thankya both!
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
that phrase would also have worked
Sex Metal Mordred Homicidal 👸
That's some commitment, damn.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
that is some real hardcore closetedness
Star King Flippant Sausage
Jimmy, who is also a terrorist, thinks its a bit crazy.
FancyShark
Jimmy the Terrorist?
Star King Flippant Sausage
Not the bottom surgery part, just the "Did it to fuck over my rival." part.
gellaho
Andre rules
gellaho
Nah, he's gay and out. The surgery was more of a Face/Off scenario
FancyShark
SICK
gellaho
Yeah, he cut the woman's head off with a lazer
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
He needs to get trained by lu-tze the sweeper
Star King Flippant Sausage
I love it when you make Discworld references.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
also i came out as bi six years before i came out as trans so
FancyShark
Gad, how I've missed sci-fi Hawke
gellaho
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Couldn't think of one of Miss Cosmopolisis's koans
gellaho
Terrorism seems fun
FancyShark
Brandishing a laser in 14 century France, like a real Time Cop
Star King Flippant Sausage
Yeah Jimmy and Toni, Time Terrorists.
gellaho
Nobody take that out of context
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Mmm, heavy chest you say?
Star King Flippant Sausage
One mans Terrorist Training Camp is another mans Action Park.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Someone call for a heavy chest terrorist
Brendan
My chest, too, is heavy with the weight of murdered men.
It's SHOCKWAVE DAY
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Ehhhh you're not even gonna prescribe him some lithium jimmy?
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Every day is Shockwave Day if you believe
gellaho
Things do not go well for Tonio
Star King Flippant Sausage
Mine is both light and fresh. I put cedar chips and dried herbs in the bottom before I store my quilts in it.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Funny story. He used to be called Handtonio before this
gellaho
Mongoose seems like a great guy
FancyShark
"Now start talking or we'll stick needles under your fingerna- wait. Dammit."
Star King Flippant Sausage
Dont worry, Toni. If future science can restore Taylors dick if he wants, it can fix your hand. The nand is the dick of the arm, after all.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Do the lasers cauterize the wounds like in star wars
gellaho
Are we, Mongoose?
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
I want to say yes but they put down some bedding earlier when they dismembered a body and I want to say it was to catch the blood
Brendan
I'll say this for Time Wars Book 2: It doesn't contain 88 pages of ontological discussion on the human soul.
FancyShark
He's turning more Cajun by the moment
Brendan
Also flipping the capsule trope was really good.
gellaho
Well then
gellaho
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
How was that?
gellaho
But does include a lot of Three Musketeers
FancyShark
They ripped out the molars before he could bite them
gellaho
That I've skipped
Star King Flippant Sausage
"Hey uh, Mongoose. We checked, these are just teeth. He didnt have poison in them."
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
oh, sure, ocular flashbang, classic cerberus move
FancyShark
Fucking rad
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Poor bastard. If only they FUCK I was going to make the ocular flashbang joke
This is like the third time I've been scooped tonight, I'm off my game
Brendan
the whole time he was out they were rapping on his teeth to see which were hollow.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
I blame overtime
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
sorry baby
FancyShark
It happens
Star King Flippant Sausage
Like who DOESNT put a brain bomb in the heads of their henchmen?
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Hey, as long as the joke gets made
Star King Flippant Sausage
You cant narc if your prefrontal cortex is jelly.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
well the joker did the abdomen
gellaho
I'm not really following the connection, but Lucas remembers the lady knight from his last mission
Star King Flippant Sausage
He would have done the brain but thats much harder surgery.
Brendan
He put a redundancy failsafe!
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
and there was that one womb bomb from that awful comic
Star King Flippant Sausage
Tummy bomb you can do with a sharp knife, a staplegun and some opium.
Brendan
Impossible, he can't be drunk from La Croix.
FancyShark
Or a really big sandwich
Brendan
unless it's summer slammers.
gellaho
Lucas fondly remembers the concussion he received from Andre
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
As would we all tbh
Brendan
These people are time travel gods from the 26th century, they probably implanted it in his brain as a fetus or time-dropped it into his head a second later.
FancyShark
Unfortunately, they implanted it via catheter
Brendan
Andre as described resembles my art teacher whom I had a crush on.
I'd let her stab me at least once.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
As would we all tbh
gellaho
Hahaha hahaha haha! Simon, you are undefeated
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
THERE WAS NOTHING SEXUAL IN THE CONTACT AT ALL.
PERVS.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
ugh i hate going to the ladies room in england
plus i might need that dagger or rapier
Brendan
Florida permits vigilante laser murder but it has some really weird prerequisites to join a posse.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Its the fact they make you participate that really bothers me.
Like just do it, Bathroom Provost, dont make me make you do it.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
I think they call them "prefects" actually
Star King Flippant Sausage
Andre goes to 2023 and asks "Hey, why are all these people yelling "Step on me, Mommy!" and what does "Yass Queen!" mean? I'm not the Queen."
gellaho
Lucas, forgetting the beating he had previously, tries to take Andre hostage
Star King Flippant Sausage
Only in schools.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Lucas.........you fuckin suck.
Brendan
Nobody's prefect in Vichy France.
Star King Flippant Sausage
You guys are supposed to be commandos from the future.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
do you need seven years of surgery training to wield a deadly laser beam
is laura linney's congo character even radder than previously known?
gellaho
No, Andre rules
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Nah, just believe really hard in the Force and you're good
Star King Flippant Sausage
Both of these things can be true at the same time.
Brendan
Boy howdy I am confused about the factions at play here.
gellaho
But D'Artagnan drunkenly shows up and stops that whole thing. Which is more of a Hardy Boys chapter break, but here we are
Brendan
D'artagnan's like the scene curtain.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Let us know if he starts throwing church pews around
Star King Flippant Sausage
A scene curtain who fucks his landlords wife.
gellaho
Then Mongoose runs in and kills Doc
gellaho
FancyShark
Guess he let off some steam
gellaho
Correct, he was trying to do that again
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
I like how there was no cool reveal that Mongoose was disguised as a guard captain. It just tells you he showed up
A real master of preserving tension, this Hawke
gellaho
Then he falls down the stairs with his ass out
Star King Flippant Sausage
"Haha, it was me! Mongoose!"
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Is this praxis?
Star King Flippant Sausage
I think so.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
No shirt, no shoes, no swashbuckling
Star King Flippant Sausage
I'm pretty sure Marx said we should cuck landlords.
FancyShark
D'ohtagnan
Star King Flippant Sausage
Simon got the spirit of the Three Musketeers, I'll give him that.
gellaho
Bugs for everyone!
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Brings a whole new meaning to mlm
FancyShark
"They laughed when I demanded the fart monitor. But who's laughing now?"
gellaho
Finn and Mongoose threaten to fuck each other
Brendan
Whole bubonic plague was just an allergic reaction to microbotics.
Lice bugs for the First Estate!
FancyShark
Finn and Mongoose are a fun couple
Star King Flippant Sausage
Im imagining Mongoose as Hunter Gathers from Venture Brothers now.
gellaho
Floater paks
FancyShark
Hawke never fails to impress with naming things so you know what he means but you still demand an explanation
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
I got the floater pak for my N64 controller way back when. It's still up on my ceiling.
Brendan
He should team up with Hock for a happy medium. (real human penis)
gellaho
Andre on the loose
gellaho
He's the best
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
The important thing is that mongoose has everything covered on both ends
FancyShark
This Mongoose sitcom is pretty good
Brendan
So Andre is from the 12th C but now it's the 18th and she hasn't yet gone to t he 15th where she meets Lucas...?
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Mongoose i don't understand, i should get her drunk?
Star King Flippant Sausage
Not so fuckin smart now, are you future weasel man?!
gellaho
Andre de la Croix is Rambo in: First Blood
Star King Flippant Sausage
"No I mean I dosed her with an airborne toxin from the future. She has six hours to live."
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Oh Mongoose is going to fucking die. Andre is going to gut him groin to gizzard. This dude is so fucking fucked.
Star King Flippant Sausage
He's gonna give himself a hernia with the size of that death flag.
FancyShark
All this build up is called "seasoning the meat"
Don't ask me what that means. I'm very hungry.
For VENGEANCE
gellaho
RIP Jimmy
FancyShark
He died as he lived: Jimmy
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
well we love a hungry vengeful shark, that's why jaws was so good
Brendan
Secret protagonist Andre
gellaho
Nysteel is pretty magical
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Man, Bimmy is going to be so upset.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Yeah we all saw this coming. No Jimmy who isnt in a Superman comic can survive a full narrative arc.
FancyShark
"Sure am glad I didn't sit on that remote at any point before now"
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
wait who is supposed to be the protagonist? Genuinely cannot tell
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Andre I think
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
even then
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
By virtue of being most interesting
gellaho
Andre resolves to go to the future
FancyShark
Andre will be the protag by merit of body count and not being dead
Star King Flippant Sausage
Yeah its Andre. Mongoose and his commandos seem like they are pissed cos Taylor is trying to stop the time war and end time travel, and is threatening to do a timeline split?
gellaho
It's supposed to be Lucas Priest, but Simon has already tired of him
Simon Hawke is very flexible
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Who wouldn't
Star King Flippant Sausage
Prolonging a time war or committing a possible atrocity, neither really seem like protagonists.
Brendan
Honestly Andre's understanding of this stuff is the same as ours. We just shrug science whereas she thinks magic.
I can't build a popcorn maker, can you?
Star King Flippant Sausage
Science is magic.
Same thing.
FancyShark
It's one of the best parts about Hawke. You can see him start thinking about something else and not give a shit
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
god i can't sit through another time war, I've watched so much god damn doctor who
Brendan
This ends with Andre getting FtM surgery right?
FancyShark
If Ten and Andre teamed up, would the galaxy implode?
gellaho
She is the only one free at this point
gellaho
She also learned French in like a week, I think?
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Only if they then also teamed up with Seven and Ace
FancyShark
French is mostly clicks and whistles, so it's pretty easy to pick up
Brendan
I thought Reese gave her wetware to learn anything.
the whole who's on first shtick.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Hang on.
Are we sure all those midnight whistler sightings aren't just French people who got lost on a hike?
gellaho
He was trying to get her the implant, but Hunter died
Brendan
Nysteel proves this is all one universe.
gellaho
The explanation given was that she knew 12th century Norman
Brendan
Steele could easily live long enough to become a Time Soldier.
FancyShark
Norman always was a helpful guy
Star King Flippant Sausage
French is easy. Baguette. Si vous plait, puis-je jouir sur tes pieds?
gellaho
If it wasn't for that dastardly Victor Milan
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
je n'en ai pas la moindre idée
gellaho
I don't know why, but this last sentence made me laugh out loud
FancyShark
Aw blah ess pan yoll
So peaceful. WAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Yeah that's world class funny. "Somewhere, a baby cried."
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
No matter where or when you go, there will always be a crying baby to ruin the mood.
Brendan
🎵 The baaaaabe in the alley is crying and cold
The girl from Normandy runs freeeeeeee
But somewhere a glory awaits nysteel
Tomorrow beeeeelongs to Miladyyyyyy 🎵
Star King Flippant Sausage
The only time a crying baby was a narrative asset was in Hard Boiled.
gellaho
Tonight's Ice is played by a German named Maytag Freytag
gellaho
Brendan
Children of Men
FancyShark
Check his lats
gellaho
Baby's Day Out
FancyShark
A Quiet Place
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Freytag just means Friday I'm pretty sure?
Brendan
ROLF MOELLER: ICE
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
then have him have you check his genitals
gellaho
He's talking to Mongoose, so that either means:
A) He's a double agent or
B) Mongoose is evil
I do not remember which because I read this two years ago
Star King Flippant Sausage
None of those movies involve leaping out of a hospital window while it explodes with a baby wrapped in a bulletproof vest, so no.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Mongoose? Evil? Nahhhhh
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
is that a joke, do we not know mongoose is evil?
FancyShark
Was Mongoose's allegiance in question?
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
He's just quirky
FancyShark
You've clearly never seen the director's cut of Baby's Day Out
gellaho
I guess that means he's on the good side
Star King Flippant Sausage
No because it isnt Hard Boiled.
gellaho
Which makes him closer to Ice
As we should all aspire to be
Brendan
Shoot 'Em Up --Clive Owen: baby action star
Star King Flippant Sausage
That baby sucked, it couldnt act its way out of the dumpster it was born it.
Brendan
Rest in Paradox, Time-King of Hell
FancyShark
Alfred Ashford thinks Mongoose is "a bit unstable"
Star King Flippant Sausage
Shoot Em Up was a good ass movie tho.
gellaho
Andre's back in the stink again
FancyShark
Several gallons of perfume should mask that
Star King Flippant Sausage
She's English, she's used to it.
gellaho
THEY DREW FIRST BLOOD
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
She stayed in the refuse for several minutes??
Andre, please, respect yourself as much as we respect you!
Star King Flippant Sausage
Knee deep in French mud and shit is the best place for an English person to be, because French knights are very easy to drown in it.
gellaho
Technically Basque
Brendan
She started from the bottom now she here, back in the bottom.
Even Jar-Jar didn't land in poo twice.
FancyShark
Unless you count the other prequels
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Reminder that Jar Jar canonically has a girlfriend who is queen of a planet.
Never give up, fellas.
gellaho
Good thing every white person has the same skin tone
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
ugh the book cage is always such a joy when i can make it
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
fucking what
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
@LyraVarloid he's subtweeting you
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
I shit you not, her name is Julia
FancyShark
You misunderstand. It's a strip of fabric with the word FLESH written on it
gellaho
Sick
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
oh yeah, the old "that's not an adams apple it's a hidden spy microphone" bit, we've all tried it
Star King Flippant Sausage
hahahahah yes.
gellaho
I mean, I have a severe Farmer's tan. it would be somewhat difficult
Simon really wants you to know that France smells
gellaho
Which is fine because fuck France
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Cover it in refuse like Arnold mudding up in Predator
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
i mean yeah they're almost english
FancyShark
That rat would go on to a lucrative career as a chef
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Hahah remember when Prey went out of its way to have a bunch of French trappers get fucked up by the Predator
gellaho
WHERE'S MY LIP MOISTENING, SIMON
Star King Flippant Sausage
Finn nearly found out what happens when you fall down in a French alley. You get eaten by the rats.
And three STDs.
Brendan
Is it Padme
gellaho
"licked his lips?" what is that shit
Brendan
Do you guys even remember that the entire first movie Padme and Amidala were two people? She didn't use an alias, she just changed clothes.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
If only
gellaho
Simon lists body parts
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
my work mentor has been telling me several stories of her trips to paris, lasers have not even come up once
FancyShark
Send her back
Brendan
Baffling that they don't have comsets baked into their unilangs.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
yes my brain can't forget anything that fucking stupid, it's a curse
gellaho
I was 7, so I only remember the pod racing. And I refuse to re-watch that crap
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
You just gotta roll with it, man
Embrace the goof
gellaho
Did Disney put Goofy in Phantom Menace?
I wouldn't be surprised
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
actual minstrel show characters reskinned as aliens i mean
also the pod racing scene was six hours long
gellaho
Lucas is fine with Andre trying to capture mongoose
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Drum solo but for sound designers
FancyShark
He's not going to argue with the deathknight
gellaho
As a fellow German giant, I feel a kinship with Maytag Freytag
Brendan
Probably went on a public op in a pre-laser century.
gellaho
The 1800s were wild
Brendan
EVERYONE DIED
except a child and the murderer who killed them.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
And yet i felt nothing
Brendan
then the child grew up to be a genocidal murderer on two planets.
Pod racing is almost as bad as FIFA
FancyShark
Such a great family film
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
In fact that movie could be the origin of my dark sadistic urges
gellaho
Andre's explanation goes on and on and on
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Hey now. Ben Quadrinaros lived and he didn't do anything bad to anybody
Brendan
About on par with the WWE
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
the effects were good tho
gellaho
Anyway, Simon has now abandoned the Three Musketeers
gellaho
FancyShark
"I do not understand this peculiar plot" is a bold line to give your characters, Hawke
gellaho
So maybe Mongoose is evil
Star King Flippant Sausage
Or maybe Lucas is the evil one the whole time?
gellaho
Probably doesn't help that I've skimming over all the long paragraphs
Star King Flippant Sausage
Maybe evil is just a paradigm?
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
He's just saying what we're all thinking
Brendan
Mongoose is Taylor from a week in the future.
Star King Flippant Sausage
What is morality, really?
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
couldn't possibly hurt
gellaho
Wrong right
Star King Flippant Sausage
Simon Hawke asks the tough philosophical questions in this one.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
This whole book so far has been in its own way its own kind of podrace
gellaho
Oh, there was a really long paragraph about that earlier
But I skipped it
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
dude that's kind of mean to simon
gellaho
He always does
Most of the time it's a little more interesting
Star King Flippant Sausage
Yeah nobody has turned into a panther at all.
FancyShark
And sometimes he has intergalactic ninjas fight cyborgs while surrounded by sharks in a very stupid and expensive waterless aquarium
gellaho
Do not actually read this, but just look at it
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
no
FancyShark
Look at it, Rachel
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Fucks sake, use some paragraph breaks, Simon
FancyShark
LOOOOOOK
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
my eyes deserve better
Star King Flippant Sausage
Simon........you arent like.......your editor........you killed them didnt you?
gellaho
The thing is, Simon has just emerged from his Nicholas Yermakov Cocoon. We're six years pre-Steele
FancyShark
dangit
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Go wash them out with some podracing
Brendan
Speed-fixing the expo
Star King Flippant Sausage
Heres some Grace Jones for you.
To soothe the eyes.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Fuck you too
gellaho
Anyway, they flip a coin
Brendan
You've been warned about baiting me like this.
Star King Flippant Sausage
I never listen to warnings.
gellaho
You should have learned by now that editors are a myth
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Also what i say to the mirror
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
At best editors are a strong suggestion
Star King Flippant Sausage
Like Bigfoot is a myth or like birds are a myth?
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Bigfoot is a truth though. And birds are a psyop.
What is myth, really?
gellaho
I've been too busy making fun of sci-fi and fantasy names to realize how stupid Three Musketeers names are
Brutality of Stubborn Ramb$ne
ok but "st denis" is pretty bad too
also porthos is just old-timey for butthole right?
Star King Flippant Sausage
Not as bad as "St. Douglas" but worse than "St. Stephen"
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
San Dennys
gellaho
Tell Rockstar that
FancyShark
Then Godzilla stepped on them
gellaho
(that's a Red Dead reference)
Brutality of Stubborn Ramb$ne
San Dave is the worst city
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Dumas was truly a man of culture to reference Red Dead 2
gellaho
Simon Hawke insert
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
hawk one to ground squirrel i will fucking eat you over
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Nothing says stealth action like Ground Squirrel
gellaho
Lucas pranking the Airborne team
FancyShark
Lucas is Ratatoskr. Confirmed
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Solid squirrel
Brutality of Stubborn Ramb$ne
accompanied by Venice Vole
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
no reason why do they not understand the purpose of codenames, the very things they have been discussing?
Star King Flippant Sausage
Simon felt the need for a bit of levity.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Well why not use a joke?
Star King Flippant Sausage
A comedic dialogue in the vein of a Monty Python skit.
FancyShark
He can only mention poop so many times
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Must… fill… more… pages!
Star King Flippant Sausage
Simon Hawke's Great Booke of Knocke Knocke Jokes wouldnt come out for another year.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
So what? He can time travel
gellaho
Simon Hawke gradually comes around to not taking himself seriously
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
You know how really good writing can lampshade the tropes to great effect?
FancyShark
Meanwhile, the Industrial Revolution vanishes from the timestream
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
this is not that
Brendan
They say when Victor Hugo died, all the prostitutes in Paris took a day of mourning. When Simon Hawke dies, all the teen trafficking victims in post-apocalyptic New York will, for one day, stop trying to stab their father figures.
Brendan
Why use codenames when you're the only people on Earth using the airwaves?
Star King Flippant Sausage
Because if you dont, the terrorists win.
gellaho
Simon has leaned into it
gellaho
gellaho
I think that's Lucas's point
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
andre hears everything
plus she's already time looped back five times like dave strider
FancyShark
And the discovery of fire winks out of existence while Lucas engages in another ten minutes of lame schtick
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
this is when gellaho kicks me out for excessive nerdery
gellaho
Meanwhile, Finn spits on a rat
FancyShark
"I was coming to warn you, but fine, go to hell!"
Brendan
This rat has better plot armor than most of the time commandoes
gellaho
Cobra
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
He's already added two wisecracks after being told to save them
Hardcore rebel
gellaho
GODDAMMIT SIMON, GIVE ME THAT MOISTENING
FancyShark
Can't imagine why they'd call a person Mongoose and then introduce someone named Cobra
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
simon calls this kind of foreshadowing "subtlety"
gellaho
A duplicitous German? Why, I'd never!
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
so why don't bullets work, someone give me the skinny
Star King Flippant Sausage
Oh bullets work, lasers are just cooler.
Why on earth would you use a gun if you could use a laser rod instead?
gellaho
They probably didn't bring many to 17th century France
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
oh there's no like.. when the mass seperates from you it leaves your time field and gets phased out of existence?
Star King Flippant Sausage
Also they had guns in 17th Century France. Who needs that shit when LASERS!
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
they just use lasers and medieval weapons because whatever
Star King Flippant Sausage
Flintlock or laser is a bad game show.
Everyone chooses laser.
And wins.
gellaho
*Wild mongoose chase
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Obviously we have to reconcile the two houses by marriage.
That's right, I'm talking about Laser Flintlocks
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Look I'll give you that lasers are ideal in ape related scenarios, but they are also weak to mirrors and foggy days
Brendan
Lasers are lighter and need less reloading.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
okay fine
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Where does a bitch have to go to get some decent technobabble justifications for silly conventions
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Typically Wookieepedia
FancyShark
That requires a different category of scifi writer
Star King Flippant Sausage
Lexicanium too.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Memory Alpha works pretty well too if you're in a pinch
gellaho
Add Jaguar to the list
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
present
Star King Flippant Sausage
Oh shit Simon Hawke would do such a fucked up job with 40k lore, I would love it.
FancyShark
goddammit, I need this to happen
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
mine is higgs field manipulators, which would on a large scale be used to engage in ftl by creating negative mass, and on a small scale with an advanced computer temporarily remove all mass from a few tiny objects like bullets
gellaho
And here's Wolverine
Star King Flippant Sausage
"We're ALL BAD GUYS! LOL!"
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
i need to justify how you can't just 0 mass a chunk of your enemy's heart, but I'll build some bs around the words "weak nuclear force"
Brendan
Serpent, this is Rainbow. Come in, Serpent. Meet me at Tree to discuss Apple.
Star King Flippant Sausage
If you havent read it you might enjoy the Lensman series, its old as shit but its full of this kind of thing.
gellaho
Oh, yeah, this is straight up Steele shit
FancyShark
Dale, c'mon man. I didn't know it was your lunch.
Brendan
and and and it's the basis for Green Lantern
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
I was going to suggest Mass Effect but I'm pretty sure Rachel's aware of it already, considering earlier scoopage
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
oh dip, for real?
Brendan
Revealing one of these guys is Donovan Steele would be so rad.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Yeah its fuckin rad.
gellaho
Ah, so he's a Jacksonville Jaguar
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
i know my council species
gellaho
None of you nerds are going to get that
FancyShark
I'm inferring
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
I know enough sports to get the gist
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
i mean there is jason mendoza so
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
It's no Butt Fumble though
gellaho
STOP TEASING ME WITH THE LIP MOISTENING, SIMON
Star King Flippant Sausage
Taylor, still wearing the flesh disguise of a very sexy French woman.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Uh oh, cobra just injected himself with his own venom
gellaho
Mongoose not looking too hot
Brendan
We'll clone him a new face! Perhaps a sexy french Marked Woman?
FancyShark
"God, they got his hairline all wrong"
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Look I'm all for some wholesome chair-tying and brat-taming but laser face surgery is too far
gellaho
The date did not end well
FancyShark
Look, we've all had that date that ended with someone losing their face
Star King Flippant Sausage
Another fool pretends to @Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood. glorious fuckthrone and is disabused.
gellaho
Ah, man, it's her first day
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
no no let them finish
Star King Flippant Sausage
Oh that means it might be like six weeks to Mongoose's retirement.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
"Go and get your faced fix" is my todo list for next november
gellaho
Taylor, realizing he was going insane, decided it was a good time to destroy the universe
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
but for real
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
I mean, who wouldn't
"What is the game without me" and all that
Star King Flippant Sausage
Yeah would.
gellaho
Taylor's personality has lost to the prostitute he knew for about a week
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
This is why i dont think you twoshould have nuclear bombs
FancyShark
crap, I already made a Code Veronica joke
Star King Flippant Sausage
Oh I definitely should not.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Although the NRA might disagree
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Look, I've only blown myself up with the Fat Man like 60% of the time I've used it, I'm a pinnacle of safe nuclear weapons usage
Star King Flippant Sausage
No the NRA would hate it if I had nuclear capabilities, me being a big ol lefty.
gellaho
Andre quickly adapts to teleportation
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
I mean of course she does, she's fucking radical
Brendan
#ANDREWASRIGHT
gellaho
Finn and Cobra look at the king's ass
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
The King's Peach
gellaho
Brendan
Cordon bleu comment right here
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
I have my moments
Not many. But I have them
Star King Flippant Sausage
Thats because you're peeping at a nude French lad, Delaney. Dont worry, we all like admiring a femboy now and then.
gellaho
Cobra doesn't understand moles
FancyShark
"Kill anyone because I have to. Got it."
Star King Flippant Sausage
Or butt stuff. Cobra, you still need to make yourself attractive. Yes, even there.
Rouge and other cosmetics will do, unless you also need a shave.
gellaho
If there are constant themes for Simon, it's nysteel and the nature of the human mind
FancyShark
Multiple personalities seem to be a side thing of his
Star King Flippant Sausage
Usually you have to pay big bucks to be dominated by Milady.
Brendan
Um, I think you're forgetting Ice the Ubermensch and his eternal return.
gellaho
Who could have foreseen this on her first day!
FancyShark
She was only decades from retirement!
gellaho
Andre beats the shit out of Taylor
Star King Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah who sends their rookie agent to hunt down the most dangerous terrorist on their first day?
Brendan
What's stopping them from coming back in time to save her?
Star King Flippant Sausage
Also Andre rules.
FancyShark
Hot damn, Andre does not fuck around
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
someone who doesn't pay upfront id guess
FancyShark
That form takes forever to fill out
gellaho
They leave Cobra at the peephole
Brendan
He came to where she was stationed.
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Somehow I don't think Cobra minds.
Star King Flippant Sausage
Arguably she was stationed where he was coming. Its time travel, remember? They should have remembered this.
Brendan
This snake is now charmed.
gellaho
Andre makes it to the future
Brendan
what an...anticlimctic ending
FancyShark
Andre still can't believe they have Ren Fests
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
just the ending, huh
Star King Flippant Sausage
"The bird legs are HOW BIG?!"
gellaho
One last lip action before we go out
Star King Flippant Sausage
Oh shit she can drink Mountain Dew for the first time.
gellaho
Andre's part of the team now
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
it's a grim dystopia, without chapstick
Star King Flippant Sausage
Sweet, Futureknight Andre.
Brendan
This is how they recruit cannon fodder. Desperate orphans from lost in time.
gellaho
We have defeated Time Wars #2: The Timekeeper Consipiracy
Brendan
Child-soldiers ignorant of what they agree to.
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
Okay the Time Army recruits like the regular Army got it
FancyShark
Andre would later burn an Apple Store employee as a witch
We did it!
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Gellaface really looks like it belongs there, it's uncanny
This is the true form of the destroyer
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho !
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Thanks for another Caging!
Star King Flippant Sausage
^o^
Rachel Sucks. Also drains blood.
I am grateful to have been a part of it
FancyShark
Great work, everyone! Especially you, @King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑 !
gellaho
So concludes the 88th Edition of The Book Cage
Brendan
Fine Hawkesmanship
gellaho
May all of your tubes be enlasered
King Toddgo Badgerhands 👑
Go forth in peace, fellow book wranglers, and remember always that Jar Jar Binks beat some of us to having a relationship by at least several years
