"45 In Self-Defense" by Franklin W. Dixon | Book Cage Reading Archive

Less than 1 hour 'til the Hardy Boys' Karate-Biker-Arcade adventure.

What

I took a break from the discord and this is happening now?

Life comes at you fast

It's a break before the final Steele book

if there's no ninjas in this one it'll be a marked letdown

It involves karate, so ninjas are a maybe

Here's a preview. Looks like this Kay girl might get lit on fire

This was published in 1990. What a glorious age for this kind of literature

I would love to formally welcome everyone to "In Self-Defense"

Meet Joe Hardy: he sucks! He's currently mad that a female is doing something

It the hardy boys don't kill someone I'm going to be upset

editors note: describe Joe Hardy in more aggressively aryan terms.

He's mad that his brother's girlfriend is taking a karate class

I love when they awkwardly shoehorn the character description in

"damn it, you can't let your woman be stronger than you frank"

God, I feel my rage towards Joe returning

Just a whiny bastard

One Hardy Boy is a blond with blue eyes. The other Hardy Boy is brown haired with brown eyes. Characterization, everyone!

They drive around in a black van? Ok

A couple of misogynists driving around in a creepy van is a much worse look in 2021 than it was in 1990.

Their buddy Chet is strong fat

And a teenage banker?

A lady martial arts instructor? Now I've seen everything

Oh, I hope Joe gets beat up so badly

In my mind, Kay is played by Cynthia Rothrock.

That describes me and my brother

Now I want all of these kids dead

This book was co-written by laffy taffy

I've never hated anyone more than Joe

Someone needs to write a Key Lewis beating the shit out of Joe Hardy fanfic.

Co-written by Laffy Taffy

Is Joe 90s cool or 90s being a dick here? The writing isn't good enough to tell

The author is attempting the former but achieving the latter.

Fireball outta nowhere!

Yeah from the universal laughter I think we are supposed to think Joe rules here

Is this our first end of chapter immediately resolved cliffhanger?

Yes

Finish your drinks everyone

That's rule number 4 of the Hardy Boys drinking game

I didn't expect Molotov Cocktails this quickly

I was worried I'd have to catch up but it's a Hardy Boys novel so I can probably BINGO it.

They went to a karate class that got molotov cocktail'd

Who molotovs a fucking karate gym?

A molotov cocktail is the one incendiary device that a high school student has the ability to make.

Every high school student knows how to make a molotov cocktail, they are not difficult to make

You know, those standard "get outta town" letters that everyone gets

Hardy boys are always cliche and profoundly inept

"Here I am, rock your karate class like a hurricane!"

Don't cross "The Scorpions of the arcade over there"

Cobra Kaiser Wilhelm

Who talk shit behind their hands about having a karate school nearby

But then just glare at you.

I feel like the hardy boys always winds up being the mickey mouse club of gang violence

These witnesses are doing all the leg work.

Like the wire meets leave it to beaver

Let's just plow through these suspects. This guy just drove up to the building right after the bombing

To a degree that makes Law & Order dock workers look uncooperative.

Then immediately left after asking if she wanted to sell

It'd be great if they got to the arcade and the Scorpions were three shitty 8th graders dominating the Street Fighter

I'm sorry how did a twenty year old karate teacher buy a building

What are these economics

The Scorpions are going to be such a great gang.

It's amazing how lame this is when a fucking molotov cocktail was busted out in the first 3 pages. The Scorpions are super dorky but also fire bombing a karate class is ultra-violent

You could get a $10,000 loan sufficient to start a business before the Boomers dilated all economic resources into a few snake oil salesmen.

And 8% of that loan was to buy a personal desktop computing device running Windows 3.11 on DOS by Microsoft.

"You ain't gettin' in this arcade. This arcade is strictly gang turf"

Jesus, Joe.

Why would he give a shit who you are Frank?

I read legacy Hardy Boys books with the blue spines where they like...jumped into a car without seat belts to get to the lighthouse before high tide allowed the boat to exit the secret cove.

Joe needs an ass kicking, like an asthmatic needs an inhaler.

Just sitting on a pinball machine, playing with my knife. The way tough guys do

The only thing missing is the bandana twisted into a sweatband

Oh fucking butterfly knives.

To whatever ghost writer wrote this: arcade games make noise even when nobody is playing them

Like a bullshit western. Nice.

Everyone is the same age

Dead silence, except that one lanky asshole in the sleeveless Jean jacket looking for his fingertips.

"Nice," said Joe, "Jodie Foster here is already up on the pinball table for us."

"Jesus, bro," said Frank, "We talked about de-escalation. How is that appropriate?"

Definitely stealing Conrad Daye as some kind of foil character for Colt Blacke.

How old is Frank?

I better get this promised violence against Joe

Frank bullied this guy into becoming a movie's idea of a gang tough.

"Because I'm going to love you with all my heart and woo you appropriately."

"or the rest of your life...because pinball is really addictive"

I don't think I've ever wanted anyone to get stabbed this badly before.

So close

That's not how you hold a knife

Couple of questions. Why did they go to the arcade? Why did the gang leader threaten them with death and then let them go?

How old are you in 8th grade?

around 13 I think. It's been a while

Bullshit a guy you call Connie against his wishes owes you a favor.

What Joe means is he once retracted a loogie before it touched Connie's face.

Oh, do you think that was it? Joe you moron

I just what?

Are we to believe the Hardy Boys have ever been apart and don't know the same kids at school?

Oh yeah, when we went into witness protection when you were thirteen.

"Joe was an expert on cowards, being a coward"

This is moronic.

How does Joe feel about the Armed Forces?

I fucking hate them

Joe Hardy with the problematic oversimplification.

I already despise the Scorpions.

The estate agent needs to come and bring some nuance to this...this scooby do escapade without the promise of a 'big reveal'

I guess a lot of people come off the street to get land development jobs from Sam White here

Sure, this was written back in the day your parents always talk about where all you needed was a firm handshake and white skin to get any job off the street

You ever meet a dumb person with piercing blue or gray eyes, and think they must be smart?

Can I have the jobs then?

Ah, grey eyes! I see you're not any tramp taking a shit in a bin.

It infuriates me to no end that these books are written from Joe's perspective

Unlike other ape-faced laborers, THIS man had the penetrating gaze of a construction worker who makes love.

Frank, why do you even bring Joe

Yeah, that is what an ex-linebacker looks like, good job.

What's the mystery?

The petrol bomb attack?

essentially

Around here we call those "A Bayport howdy-do."

It's just not that mysterious. Here's hoping for a rebel twist.

I think it was Joe.

Joe, shut the fuck up

Joe: "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A MURDERER?!?"

Joe: "Murderersayswhat?"

Joe's mind is made up. In that it's a fiction that there's a mind in that noggin.

Wait a second, burning someone alive is illegal, sir!

All I have is hate for you, Joe

"What's that got to do with me?" is the guiltiest possible reply.

I don't like A-Team Hardy.

"you can what, be dangerous in this neighborhood after dark? Get out idiot"

Gasp

So can we...be dangerous after dark? Are you coming onto me, Joe?

Someone explain which way the van is facing please?

Who wants to guess if that person is dead or seriously injured?

Is the van facing the pavement? Is the body in the road?

If the body is in the road how is the blood pooling up to the pavement?

It's Connie! His gang beat him up for knowing me!

Chapter 4: "He is fine, and fuck you kid for reading this"

These books are more entertaining if you imagine Joe is a delusional idiot and Frank is tasked with entertaining his fantasies.

It were the ol' misogynist gang

"kids are fucking dumb, who cares"

"one of them mumbled about scorpion, mumble mumble petrol bomb" from the author of I write for other franchises and I'm dead inside now.

If Chet can get cut, why not Joe

So the Scorpions' issue is that on their "turf" people are learning to "defend" themselves under a "woman"?

Remember John Connors friend I. The arcade in terminator 2?

Fuck you frank that's not even a little bit correct

Joe.jpeg

Wasn't John Connor's friend the bully from Christmas Story?

"Only a butterfly knife could have made this cut," murmured Joe expertly. Behind him, Frank stifled a chortle.

I dunno but that's how I'm picturing the Scorpions

Classic Hardy Boys, wandering between the same 3 locations

The lead scorpion tossed the tail of his coonskin cap, wickedly. "Stay out of Bayport, Hardies. This is NUESTRO turf!"

"Let's just drive in circles to this arcade and back until someone stabs you Joe'

It was Frank. It was always Frank.

"Hey Conrad, I brought Joe back and we found your butterfly knife"

The Hardy Boys are the volunteer firefighters in a burning city.

Conrad, Connie and Daye.

Conday

I think you're right about Joe being insane

The Hardy Boys & The Case of the Shuttered Island

The Hardy Boys and how to let the police do their job after serious arson

Joe is a Lenny confirmed.

Why does Joe have a crushing grip?

You know how people call Conrads "Rad"

They're burning through the AKAs!

"Leave me alone, Hardy," sighed Onra

It's annoying actually hearing the author figure out what to call the leader of the Scorpions.

Do...do the Hardy Boys just carry ziplocs in their glove compartment?

Time to wander back to the other location

How about Daisy, no Dayzee. Yeah. Or Rad

They got no information, so it's time to try one of the other 2 places they know

Now you see why gangs work, Joe.

What did they do with Chet?

Is Karate going to be at all relevant to any of this?

Called an ambulance

Yeah! Get exploded Joe!

I'm going to live in this moment

I'd like the record to show that karate has a 0% efficacy rate at combating both gang violence and mob intimidation.

because I know the next chapter will take Joe's exploded corpse away from me

Still, it's way better than all those incarnate rag dolls creeping around eerily.

Just walk off that explosion

Definitely move an unconscious person who was just flung bodily by an explosion.

In case the burning wreck explodes twice.

Joe does a lot lamely

Frank is the only person qualified to commit these crimes, and their only link.

Time to spin the wheel of locations once again

Joe, for once, was right.

Kids love real estate

Barracuda Barton

Isn't that close to one of our author aliases?

isn't Barracuda a Punisher villain?

All of this is for PARKING?

The BEST Punisher villain.

Show me a mall that ever had insufficient parking. Most of them it's free anyway.

His point was that they didn't need to buy the karate school. It's his evidence for Sam White's innocence

Ah

So they've gotten a mysterious phone call telling them that they have a package waiting for them in the alley behind the karate school

Karate attack!

And that was how I broke Kay's nose, your honor.

I could have killed you with my karate

"the lovable Hardy brothers" shut the ever-loving fuck up Joe

Deadly karate

come on ninjas

There are way more bombs in this than I expected

Haha. Let's go see the mysterious package after the explosion.

wait, the karate school got blown up how are cops not swarming the place already

What the Hardy boys drive? I mean they don't seem to have a dog in this fight.

AAA Self Defense Center

there was also a car bomb

The FBI have two suspects.

I think Joe owns a Mustang. But that might be Archie.

and the Hardys have been present for all of them? how are they not the primary suspects?!

at the very least they should have spent most of the book in police custody by now

Visualise yourself surviving the attack before the first blow is struck, or maybe focus on what's happening

Fingerprints point to the gang leader

Visualize yourself dying so you'll always exceed expectations.

@gellaho

I don't actually understand what I'm reading there. "I told you not to tell me" who's speaking?

Joe fears new information because it complicates what he already knows.

Joe wanted to guess. He's mad because he's a baby

There's a secret crime vault in the karate studio

Ok. He right though, rather the arrogance of certainty than the anxiety of knowing I'm an idiot.

Oh, I wish

Wait? Are they going to get stuck in a vault?

Save us, :FuckApe:

What the hell kind of dungeon is this?

"what's on the other side?"

Hopefully the fucking point of this.

I hate them and they aren't real.

Sure, Frank

This James Ellroy crossover is way weirder than the Nancy Drew one.

These two are taking a lot of leaps

So was someone trying to petrol bomb a vault?

Now it's a mystery

Joe doesn't know a lot but he knows you can't sink smoke.

Who says anyway.

Oh, no! They're trapped by another vehicle

Prepare for your Hardying, boys.

New character please

Never gonna happen

So I won't go as far as to say the hardy boys fucked each other but they've definitely had threesomes and not seen a problem with it

Nobody would fuck Joe

okay he watches

The author didn't storyboard any of this out.

This is exactly how dudes corner women at bars.

what kind of a name is Daye by the way

I'm already sick of Raddy

Joe is definitely the Eric to Frank's Don.

This is some great deduction from Frank

Estate agent is the guilty party

I'm 99% sure the hardy boys have double teamed nancy and this upsets me

...

I see it upsets you too

looking forward to seeing that in the inevitable gritty TV reboot

Seems legit

Frank only sees one explanation: everyone except him is too dumb to procure plastique

I thought we established that those already exist lol

Nah she tied them both up and dommed.

Is there a porn parody of hardy boys?

almost certainly

I feel the market for hardy boys erotica would consist solely of philosophical zombies

God the era when everyone thought karate was cool must have been wild

This has turned into Scooby-Doo

Bo and Luke Duke?

Aw, shit

Frank on crack: he’s for it!

This woman has mastered three martial arts and she has two different organized crime groups gunning for her. How is SHE not the star?

This is a Get Smart level of steel doors

"repeat filter" apparently.

the hardy boys definitely died from mold exposure

Now they're in the sewer. I hope this is going somewhere

this definitely smacks of a draft for a different book that got re-used as a Hardy Boys story

Oh, goddammit

This is one obstacle too many, and they decide to just turn around

Your emergency escape route takes 11 minutes to access?

"Looks like the end of the line," Joe said.

Frank felt something cold and metal press into the back of his head.

Ninja turtles show up

Joe, master sleuth

I think the hardy boys are consistently out if their depth

"I'm going to fuck Ms. Lewis, Joe. Please go home and stop bothering me."

I'm surprised they haven't wound up face down in a creek sonewhere

god an ai trained on hardy boys would be great

The scorpions have high-tech firepower?

Is there a second gang?

This Conrad dude is bipolar

I think we established last time that the hardy boys are robots created as an AI learning program

C4 was invented in the 60s, maybe sooner

"Hey, I want you to show that I'm innocent"

"But now I'm going to kill your girlfriend"

You can just say Conrad, Mr. Dixon. Or Connie or Daye or Rad.

Maybe it's not a threat, maybe he just can't communicate

"bend over frank"

maybe the thing that could happen to her is a all expenses paid trip to tahiti

IF the price is right!

"Your girlfriend is currently the sole passenger on a first class trans-atlantic flight. Your actions will decide whether the pilot nosedives into a volcano or lands happily in historic Taiwan"

I think callie could take these dweebs

Conrad told him to go to a second location, just to tell him to go to the one place he hangs out at

She's had one karate class

This is the dumbest quantum experiment ever.

hahaha

Frank does not have STREET SMARTS

how on earth would "Conrad Daye" not be the bad guy anyway

his name is close to comrade which is full communism

They're gonna play Mortal Kombat until Conrad wins using that cheap Sub-Zero combo cycle and decrees he's the best.

conrad daye is not a healthy american boy name

This is not the best time for this Frank

MORTAL KONRAD

conrad attacked bullys with a baseball bat?

Conrad is coming out of this looking way better than Joe.

and then joe testified against him

Frank is massively projecting right now

They immediately left the arcade for a third location

Frank knew all too well the dark compulsion of something from...outside.

"This is making you rock hard right now, isn't it Gilson?" Frank asked as nonchalantly as he could manage.

This is great storytelling

i love it when people use "get off on" to mean enjoy because like

What were you hoping to accomplish here Frank

i just picture someone getting off on gang violence as rocking a full chub during a driveby

the hardy boys need guns

God damn, never let them take you to a secondary location you fool!

"The Hardy Boys and the Secret of the Going To PTSD Therapy"

Did Frank just break a dude's elbow while telling himself it's okay because that dude liked to hurt people?

Joe and Kay decided to head to the arcade because they also don't care about the life of Frank's girlfriend

Is this like when hannibal lector throws cum at that woman

Not-Me and Ida Know over here.

Oh I get it, frank was just premptively justifying his insane violence earlier

The old pretend to be a weak woman trick

Hannibal didn't throw cum, he killed the guy who did

at least I got the movie right

Then threaten death to your enemies

They were LETTING YOU LEAVE you provocateurs.

holy shit that's metal

although it would be better to threaten to make him talk

I think the hardy boys get off on the violence

The gang member tucked his chin to his chest and Kay was powerless

That's why they're doing this

Is Daye mad they didn't immediately find proof of his innocence?

Seems like they could have gotten it much more quickly if you hadn't made him run around all day

As always, the crisis is immediately resolved

They just copy and pasted a defense manual steps.

Proving your innocence via threatening murder

That was quite a pointless bit

i mean okay how many hardy boys books do you think you could write without getting an erection at the thought of extreme violence

in the author's defense

These guys also just immediately left the arcade. Making that whole action pointless

To be fair, when you're facing down jail time I could see going insane and doing something stupid. On the other hand he went right for violence.

"Kay I'm begging you to crush my windpipe"

he went for "I'm a man of my word" Chigur violence

Joe "step on me mommy" hardy at it once again

The Hardy Boys really give me that "Terminally Horny Hardcore Christian/Jehova's Witness" vibe

Joe was simping in the previous one we read right?

The barely contained animal lust of a 60's teenager

or whenever this was

My next-door neighbor was a magician when I was 5 and I didn't look at him with half as much awe as Joe does this woman who can murder with a punch.

I feel like I made some simp jokes then, that were very hilarious and totally landed

Boy I would love if Joe got cask of Amontillado'd

Yes, he was in love with the young record producer who ended up being the criminal

I mean, I think that's fair a woman who can kill with her bare hands is pretty hot

He was also in love with Rapster Randy Rand

So Barracuda built a series of doors that could only be opened by the side the police were coming from

I agree, but it's more the power and skill than the violence.

Aren't we all

since i have no description of kay i'm picturing her like this

Intrigue. Joe wasn't immediately rescued

@Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

I'm okay with this.

:heart_eyes:

I missed half this book but I think I'm still keeping up

I dated a trapeze artist. Muscles are a good thing.

I don't know if that speaks well or poorly of the book.

We've entered the meaningless events portion of the book

AKA, the whole book

It's kinda like an episode of CSI you can just hop in halfway through and know what's happening

he stuck with the guy going someplace nearby that Frank couldn't follow and not the surprise guest who radically changed what we know of her?

Dave's sob story

If the hardy boys where any dumber they'd find them by the highway fucking rocks

I bet the cops have running bets on when the hardy boys are gonna die

Aikido

there's just one cop who keeps raking it in because he bets against them dying

It's unfortunate that the Hardy Boys are invulnerable to all man-made weapons

They have a secondary pool on when he'll die

I've only read two of these books, but Joe has exploded 3 times

Ever seen the movie unbreakable?

That cop's name? Danklin W. Frixon

The hardy boys are secretly invulnerable but don't realize it

It's the only reason they're still alive

Joe, the unafraid idiot, decides to nap in his sealed chamber

That's what I'd do.

Whaaaaaaa? No

After I looked for 1920s treasure like bearer bonds

This dork built an airtight vault to escape through.

Frank figured out that Joe was at one of the two locations

How quickly do you think the underpaid writers bash these out?

I could ask my acquaintance, he was writing them around the time this came out.

#1 was released in '87, #93 was published '94

True but how many writers do they have?

This is gonna be bullshit if Kay's here trying to burn and blow up her own dojo just to get at that sweet vault.

Don't worry, the karate lady isn't suspicious. We wouldn't want you to have to keep multiple suspects straight

They're called soft boiled eggs you bitch

These are the moments I savor

If joes not dead I'm gonna be pissed

Boo, let him die

Damn it

Nunchucks have arrived

"a little groggy" you gotta be fuckin with me

Nunchucks seem like the worst weapon to me

Like it's a club but worse

Or "nanchaku" if you are a dweeb

These are STREET nunchucks

remember in TMNT2 when mikey used sausage links as nunchucks? I do

"Frank decided to trip his nearly dead brother"

"into the meat grinder, dick"

Lok, fuck you Joe

What a fight

Alright, Kay's a moron

Nunchaku are the dumbest weapon and therefore the 80iest weapon.

mansplain to me, frank hardy

"thick red blood trickled from his head onto the bricks as his breathing became shallow. Frank watched as the light left him, and he gave out one las shuddering breath"

i thought the hardy boys were a detective pair not streetfighters

Hire to me to write hardy boys cowards

this is more like an episode of NCIS than of sherlock holmes

What a twist?

There are a million post-nuke cyborg Rambos, but only one Hardy series.

The complete Hardy Boys seems like a great way to train an AI to churn out books.

So wait, is statutory on their done or to do list?

This gang of 19-year-olds does extortion and blackmail schemes.

What about tax fraud?

In a town where a strip mall dojo is a threat to local commerce plots.

Improper zoning?

Frank is a master of all subjects

I just assume most of their to-do list is felching.

Apparently the real estate agent who sold the property to Kay is planning on tunneling into a bank

This is the most accurate depiction of hacking in popular media.

Seems like you would be easily caught doing that

Joe has a dear heart.

He put someone in the property when he could have easily accessed the secret vault undisturbed. And then planned to get her out of the property.

We need to know how many stairs there are, Chet! Don't ask why

It doesn't make much sense, does it

The first rule of writing hardy boys is no second drafts

Chet's here undermining the entire book.

OK, if all this is for $40,000 that would be hilarious

This is not important information

Frank is hacking the computer because Frank is the actual criminal mastermind in this electronic heist.

Apparently anyone can wander into this karate studio and it's secret vault

Please kill these children

All the Hardy Boys' problems would be solved if they got a permit to carry for Frank.

Fuck you, Joe

"smith shot joe in the leg"

His dying words were "yeah, I deserved that"

Diamonds

Sure, Frank

Stop teasing me with Joe's death

Once again, all danger has been averted

Now the secret within a secret has a secret.

The engineering on this shit...

And it comes out... somewhere

Airtight proof there, Frank

"Listen, I'm tired of writing this book. The criminal isn't going to run away just because, OK?"

I'm sure he has some unfinished business

Don't worry about it

Just die, Joe

Frank's the kind of civilian to tell 911 that the guy who just aimed a gun at home and set explosive charges "should be considered armed and dangerous."

And this garbage joke is how it ends

What part of that was "Gang War!"

Does Callie get a say in this rectitude?

Does it surprise you that they didn't bother asking her opinion?

I think they come up with the descriptions before the book is written

Wasn't expecting a diamond heist and half a dozen explosions

Conrad Daye is in prison for trying to slash a woman because he promised he would if using her as a hostage didn't prove that he didn't hurt a woman.

You also knew it wasn't going to be the teenage arcade gang-leader, so there was only one suspect

I guess he has a 1-2 year sentence for kidnapping and attempted murder

He could get his GED in prison and come out college-ready.

The Book Cage is satiated once again

Oh boy I’ve got a huge amount of content waiting for me to read after the fact in my nice warm bed

Your book cage is a thing of beauty.

I am fond of the bat

HAWKE WROTE A STAR TREK NOVEL?!

Joe Hardy fills me with too much rage for sleeping

He wrote a couple

Go to Book Jail, Joe Hardy.

But of course, he got Star Trek #69

I'm assuming he somehow turns Captain Kirk into a cyborg

And there's a gangster named Marco Italiano

from now on I'm going to refer to 69-ing as The Patrian Transgression

they go back to that mob planet from TOS

is what I'm guessing

valid

Kirk was a good captain until he died. Then he became even better

45 In Self-Defense Franklin W. Dixon

When you're on enemy turf you'd better be ready to hold your ground!

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