First in the electrifying new series! He's the most hunted man on Earth - And the most dangerous
Archive
gellaho
:rotating_light: BOOK CAGE SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT :rotating_light:
Lanch Torgo
icy spicy jakesy
Let’s fucking go!
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
prophetic
gellaho
This Psi-Man Day we will be reading David Peters'/Peter David's seminal work PSI-MAN. Meet Simon: the Mind-Force Warrior on Monday (3/22), 5pm Eastern!
@Brockway can I get a pin for this holiday we will celebrate forever more?
gellaho
As it was foretold
Brockway
For that confident handshake? Hell yeah
gellaho
I have been waiting for this for a while
Lanch Torgo
yeah, if I was interviewing PSI-MAN for a job, he'd be hired
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
are we taking a bye week on the book cage?
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
Special Monday Prophecy edition
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Video announcement!
Good, I was gardening and the sun tricked me into missing 5pm
back to editing The Wacky Adventures of Colt Blacke, Robotman
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
Oh I didnt know you were an elderly lesbian Brendan
gellaho
Psi-Man compels me to read on Monday
gellaho
Happy Psi-Man Day Everyone! I hope you are ready for the festivities to begin tonight at 5pm eastern. We will be introduced to Chuck Simon the Psi-Man in just under two hours.
gellaho
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
Murder by Mind Force
Harvey Penguini 🐧
always laughing at the Disneyland Cast Member point
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I assume the dog's face is crooked because the artist wanted him to look the same direction as good ol' Chuck, but he only had one reference photo.
GnomePickles
I chose to believe that the dog is the psi-man. He just uses hypnotic powers to make people think he is a dog to avoid charges for his long list of crimes.
gellaho
The dog has a very unfortunate name
GnomePickles
I am afraid to ask, but I have never needed a piece of information more.
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I'm so happy to finally follow one of these live
gellaho
GnomePickles
In one paragraph I have so many questions. Most of them are just variations of, "fucking what and why?"
JCantrell, Alpacaman
Wow this is some great writing
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
Wait he is named Rommel because he has an SS pattern on his fur?
gellaho
I guess so
JCantrell, Alpacaman
Wait is this book going to have secret nazi shit?
Oh god I'm so nervous now
GnomePickles
The psychics they run into quickly refuse to read the dogs mind becuase it's all just Hitler speaches.
JCantrell, Alpacaman
The dog insists he's just worried about his heritage and culture, and prefers the term "alt right"
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I can't think of anything more on the nose than naming a German Shepherd with SS fur after a Nazi war criminal. It's like I just watched the concept of metaphors die.
gellaho
Oh, the 7th Steele book killed that for me
GDC
Or is this just the sort of thing where a wizard put the ghost of hitler into a german shepherd body?
GnomePickles
I keep starting jokes and they just start killing the bit of my soul that still feels jou
Joy*
JCantrell, Alpacaman
That dog is definitely a huge gamer, all I'm gonna say
icy spicy jakesy
Wait til you meet his cook, Pole Pot, named after the giant cauldrons in which he makes his stews
gellaho
This is excellent, no notes
GnomePickles
If I may be Franko, that was pretty darn good.
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Can you imagine how indecipherable today's equivalent would be to someone from even 5 years ago? "MyPillow Q. Trump waited outside the pizza restaurant. He felt chills knowing the Jews were drinking babies' terror blood, but knew he was the only one who could stop it."
PowerThrills
That reads like an Alt-Right "Ready Player 1/2"
But better written
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Damning with faint praise there. I don't know whether to thank you or kick your ass.
gellaho
David Peters is apparently a pseudonym of Peter David, a guy who wrote comic books people like. See this alternative (worse) cover
icy spicy jakesy
I’m already suspecting between the Rommel thing and the pen name, Peter is not an Ideas Guy
gellaho
Under one hour 'til Simon says die
JCantrell, Alpacaman
Great pen name
Scum F**k Flamefish
thought it was piss man for a second
ProseAndKahn
Ready Player 1/2 is the prequel Cline will write when he needs money
icy spicy jakesy
Oh no
JCantrell, Alpacaman
I think there's just a list of dudes I genuinely hate that have come up, zach snyder, ernest cline and this discord taught me how much I hate brooke mceldowney and simon hawke
icy spicy jakesy
If anything this discord has made me love Simon Hawke
But I agree on the others
Like would a non-badass writer be able to put this out?
PowerThrills
I was going to say "So expect it soon," but he's depressingly successful.
gellaho
Jagged Steele is a masterpiece
gellaho
I'd wait until you read Cold Steele
icy spicy jakesy
I’m dreading it now, I think I blew my proverbial Hawke wad when I went for the good book first
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
WTF is "mental force"? I'm assuming it will in no way be satisfyingly explained in the book.
gellaho
I'm assuming vague psychic powers
JCantrell, Alpacaman
What's to explain, it's force your mind makes
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
MIND BULLETS
JCantrell, Alpacaman
What In there is frustratingly vague or stupid sounding?
gellaho
OK, JB
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
It's unclear from the excerpt if his mind powers telekinetically move him or compel the other person's mind to do what he wants.
I assume it does both depending on what the plot requires.
gellaho
He controls the dog, I think
icy spicy jakesy
Yeah I’m going to guess this is one of those powers that change based on how the plot is moving forward
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Shit, he's stuck with no escape..umm, he can psychically go into the internet! Good save David/Peter.
JCantrell, Alpacaman
See I don't have an issue with piers being left a bit vague because a series of tedious rules for magic devices bore me, on the other hand some limits might make the stakes more clear
GnomePickles
As long as the rules are consistent and the author pays attention to how their world works
gellaho
The first half takes place on October 12, 2021. And the second half (of course) takes place today
icy spicy jakesy
It feels like there’s going to be a lot of “and X happens because it’s psychic magic, fuck you”
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
wait
icy spicy jakesy
Which is fine for a book like this
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
why does the second half happen before the first
JCantrell, Alpacaman
I mean I come down hard on excessive lore building and rules but I don't feel like restarting that argument today
gellaho
Excellent question
I guess the last 10 pages are October 13th
icy spicy jakesy
Heh, look at Javo here thinking things like the linear passage of time mean anything to PSI-MAN
GnomePickles
His powers allow him to journey through time, hoping to one day come across a period where naming his dog Rommel doesn't cause people to great him with an ass kicking.
gellaho
Wtf is a cover art consultant
GnomePickles
A way for a vanity publishing house to charge an extra 49.99 would be my guess
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I agree. I'd much rather the answer be "the writer kinda sucks" than some complicated retcon. But I do think a basic framework has to be established, even if the intention is for it to be broken later.
ProseAndKahn
More research went into the cover art than the rest of the book combined
GnomePickles
Now see we have to make him into an orange cloud cause orange is really in with the fans of telepathic murder and Nazi dogs
JCantrell, Alpacaman
Yeah I tend not to like grasping at internal explainations for bad writing. My go to explainations is "the writer sucks" for dumb shit or mistakes
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Someone got screwed over there. "German shepherds have glowing yellow eyes with no pupils, right?" "Yes, that'll be $1,000."
icy spicy jakesy
Maybe the self defense consultant drew the dog and the canine consultant drew Psi-man
gellaho
Simon's using his psychic skills to control the Nazi dog
icy spicy jakesy
Mix it up a little bit
Keep em guessing
ProseAndKahn
To be fair, if someone asked me to consult on a book cover about a psychic nazi dog I’d probably demand $1000 too
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
There is no dog. Simon put it into all our minds.
ProseAndKahn
Like, maybe the consultants were just fucking with him?
Also, why does the unstoppable psychic killer need martial arts
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
I love everything about this
gellaho
I need to remember that his name is Chuck Simon. So when he does the "Simon says" thing, he's referring to himself in the third person by last name
Which is a very normal thing for people to do
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
When was this written? Because if it's anytime after 1985, a Simon Says reference is dad-joke level anachronistic.
gellaho
October 1990
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
Its not Simon Says
Its PSY MAN SAYS
ProseAndKahn
Oh fuck
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
oh fuck him and his cute wordplay
ProseAndKahn
It’s dad jokes all the way down
icy spicy jakesy
There are going to be so many stupidly named things in this universe, I can feel it
Should we take bets on what the mob guys last name is going to be?
I have money on Tony Gambini, Tony Corleone, or Tony Soprano (if by some accident he’s actually a psychic)
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Coppola or Pacino since it seems like he's that kind of hack
gellaho
I forgot that I usually do these, so here's your hastily thrown together READ poster
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
that works
JCantrell, Alpacaman
Rad
Ferroday, Priestess of Evillak
oh how cute, @Lanch Torgo got his own poster
psi-man right? the thing we think is likely written by Peter David due to a lazy pseudonym?
gellaho
This alternate cover confirms it
Ferroday, Priestess of Evillak
it's at least going to be entertaining
Peter David's a pretty good writer
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
The problem with Peter David as a psuedonym is now I forget which one is the real one
Ferroday, Priestess of Evillak
Peter David is his real name insofar as I know, or at least it's the name he uses the most
icy spicy jakesy
“Psi-man moistened his lips psychically”
Nailed it
gellaho
My problem is that there are now too many Simons for me to keep track
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
you need a simple simon
gellaho
JCantrell, Alpacaman
To say what you've done
when I was just nine years old I swear that I dreamt
gellaho
Alright, starting at the circus. Peter was optimistic about the future of traveling circuses
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
Big in 2021: traveling circuses
Lanch Torgo
weren't travelling circuses all but extinct when this was written?
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
If they weren't dead, they damn sure didn't go to small towns anymore.
icy spicy jakesy
Oh man if you thought Hawke loved his commas, it looks like Peter took that personally
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
imagine being given the opportunity to imagine the world 30s year in the future and he goes with "traveling circuses"
icy spicy jakesy
These recent future books that imagine today’s world in like 1990 are inadvertently hilarious when they do things like forget that cell phones exist
gellaho
What do you mean, "apparently in his late twenties"
You're the author
icy spicy jakesy
The gift of a profound breaking you say
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Just the most generic-ass handsome man description you can imagine.
JCantrell, Alpacaman
Goddamn hipsters brought them back like record players
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
a blonde dudes who grows a natural jet black beard
gellaho
This nerd with his five head
icy spicy jakesy
Psychic guy has big head, news at 11
gellaho
not seeing it
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Why is his forehead shiny? If you're self-conscious of your noggin, don't fucking polish it.
icy spicy jakesy
That’s what happens when you get dog experts to draw your psi people
Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD
mine's shiny and i don't polish it
some bitches just greasy
gellaho
He's got a lady friend. I'm sure things will go well for her
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
Chuck McPsychic never fucks without commitmment
gellaho
Harry the lion tamer wants a sex bet
Chuck Simon uses his psychic power to help her cheat at the hand
icy spicy jakesy
Love that future bitches still dress like extras in Saved by the Bell
gellaho
He lets a girl scout win a prize at the carnival booth he runs using his psychic powers. Which is supposed to make me like him, I think, but he named his dog Rommel
Dr. Mithras
Oh yeah. Do they say why?
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
he has an SS mark on his head
icy spicy jakesy
There’s definitely going to be some throwaway line about it like “say what you want about Rommel but he was a good military strategist!”
gellaho
A dog that goes straight to murder and sass
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Oh shit. Talking dog best friend. I will have no more snark.
Lanch Torgo
"Aww, what a cute dog!"
"I crave the blood of the corrupt!"
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
oh my god
the dog talks
the dog talks people
GDC
talking murder dog!
icy spicy jakesy
Did he...choose his own name then?
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
That’s just what I was wondering
gellaho
OK, this is hilarious
something had changed in the lion tamer/lion relationship
icy spicy jakesy
Lol amazing
Like if you had a corporate consultant in charge of your circus. That’s what they would call it
gellaho
Psychic lockpicking
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
I AM ARRIVED synopsize in one sentence the wonders of the Psi-Man
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
If its already established he can mind link with animals why not just calm down the lion
icy spicy jakesy
Man with Nazi dog hangs out at the circus in 2021. So far
gellaho
I guess he can't communicate with the Lions. But he can throw them
Lanch Torgo
something huge and ugly
gellaho
I think you lost your cover, Chuck
Lanch Torgo
how many more lion/lion tamer relationships will Frankenstein's monster ruin?
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Also doubles as a recurring political headline.
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
wait
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
What good is psi power if you need to do grand gestures?
gellaho
He also had force jump
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
he can use his psychic powers to have super strength?
Thats lazy
even for him
gellaho
somebody keeping track of these powers?
icy spicy jakesy
I’m going to guess they’ll completely change based on the situation
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
I think he just added a few hundred pounds of pull to the lat row he was doing so he didn't hemorrhage
Lanch Torgo
Psi-Man is a Jedi, got it
gellaho
I guess the dog can speak lion
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
Two pages in and I am already so fucking on board
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
The dog ALSO has psi powers
Lanch Torgo
oh shit, the lions are Jewish
gellaho
Hey, Chuck, I think you lost plausibility when you used your mind to throw lions and jump twenty feet
gellaho
Everything is huge and ugly
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
somewhat chewed
only marginally masticated
a little whiff of the nibbles
Lanch Torgo
it's just a little love bite
gellaho
Dog Detective Rommel
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
...The dog talks like a grizzled detective?
gellaho
Time to go back to September
You guys remember September?
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
I was riding high that week.
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I like the implicit judgment of Dakota for assuming a man would speak to her rather than his dog
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Making money, eating cake, freshly back from the beach.
I didn't even tell any dogs I was going, just shut off my psi-powers
Lanch Torgo
I wonder if Psi-Man remembers the 21st night of September
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
Oh E Oh... Tell me do you remember... Oh E Oh Getting Powers in September Oh E Oh... Then we met a talking dog...
gellaho
What
Lanch Torgo
"That's weird, I don't usually wake up in bed when I get blackout drunk"
Dr. Mithras
My favourite part so far is when he pulled a lion's tail, using psi power augmentation
gellaho
The wacky hijinks of Psi-Man
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Fun fact, Chuck Simon is actually protagonist Simon Chuck existing under a pseudonym.
Dr. Mithras
Is he a teacher?
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
The lesson is PAIN.
icy spicy jakesy
It’s either school or work, psi man
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
POP QUIZ: Defend yourself!
Dr. Mithras
He irons his shirts with his mind.
gellaho
Well, you got one thing right Pete
gellaho
Chuck's shower is sick and needs pills
Dr. Mithras
Is that a calcium thing?
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
He needs the help of a pyrokinetic though.
Dr. Mithras
Do you think his dog is the actual reincarnation of Rommel
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Most likely yeah
Dr. Mithras
No dont
Leave it as it is.
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Rommel you sonofabitch--oh I guess you are.
Dr. Mithras
I had to Google how Rommel died.
gellaho
Does this anti-pollution device create carbon monoxide?
Dr. Mithras
World building.
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Probably a capture filter like clean coal uses
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
So once again we have a Simon-esque apocalpyse in which the world is collapsing and yet also pretty ok and there are traveling circuses
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Nothing would break my worldview more than to find out Hawke = Peter David
Dr. Mithras
Wait, is there supposed to be an apocalypse
icy spicy jakesy
Is there even a supposed apocalypse? Or is the world just shitty
icy spicy jakesy
This was my first thought but I think we may have actually avoided that. For instance, I have no idea who’s lips are moist
Dr. Mithras
Let's ask the real question, is there a large black man with a cartoon waist?
gellaho
Chuck's a pollution narc
Dr. Mithras
What is this anti anti pollution big government bullshit.
gellaho
Hey look, a new Higgins
gellaho
"pacificts" - solid copy editing
icy spicy jakesy
Hog Higgins, menace of the Quakers
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Oh to live in the apocalypse where the government rushes to imperfect solutions for pollution.
icy spicy jakesy
He just really loves the ocean; a pacificst
Dr. Mithras
He's a psychic football coach?
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
No no no, Pacific Saints are an integral part of this world.
Dr. Mithras
buh
They didn't make him a fucking crime fighter?
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Educating our youth prevents more crimes than Batman stops in a year.
gellaho
RIP Seattle
icy spicy jakesy
The pay for a football coach is much better
Oh shit there is an apocalypse
Dr. Mithras
Ooh this is such Hawke bullshit. Were they roommates
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
I don't like this apocalypse, please bring back the bio-mutants
icy spicy jakesy
But it’s just like, crumbling infrastructure and global warming
The most boring apocalypse possible
Dr. Mithras
Where is this set?
gellaho
How do you write something like this without realizing how ridiculous it is
icy spicy jakesy
Hahahaha
gellaho
Right now, we are in LeQuier, Ohio
Dr. Mithras
Aren't Quaker pacifist and Amish just technophobe?
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Shaker, that's your sweet spot in the middle to aim for.
Dr. Mithras
Big ash cloud.
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
The ash from Seattle this summer hazed NYC so thoroughly I could stare into the sun no problem.
Dr. Mithras
Fair enough.
gellaho
What am I supposed to be feeling from this?
Am I supposed to be like, "Oh hell yeah, environmentalism"
Dr. Mithras
Oh yeah Psi man Jujitsu holds
gellaho
This has strong Captain Planet energy
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Why didn't he just psychically massage the driver's dick until the guy was extremely uncomfortable assaulting anyone?
Why is pain always the first choice of madmen?
Who writes the rules that say we serve tea to our loved ones?
gellaho
Aikido!
Dr. Mithras
I've just realised I would just be constantly psychically masturbating
gellaho
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Thank you for listening to these lyrics to my anime theme song about two giant robots.
Dr. Mithras
Hang on, is Rommel psychic or is Psi man insane?
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Steven Seagal absolutely has half a script called CHI-MAN crumpled under his left tit.
Dr. Mithras
The man of Chai Tea
gellaho
God, save me from this flirting
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Linda strolled attractively.
Dr. Mithras
Oh fuck this. Fuck this writing. I know we read it because it's bad, but fuck them and they're godawful who cares bullshit. Just 4 million pages of flirting with made up fantasy women then an act of justified violence
gellaho
Did pages from a different book get tossed in here
icy spicy jakesy
God forbid her skin is browner than you remember
Did Rommel tell you to say that
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Introduce me to the woman who can make a denim skirt swish while she strolls slowly, please.
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
“I was so cool in high school. If I went back as a teacher I’d be welcomed like a returning hero.”
Dr. Mithras
"Rommel! Rommel! Rommel!"
Context is key here
gellaho
Oh, good. He's a "fun" teacher
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Those kids are dumb because there's lead in the air, you insensitive psi-creep.
icy spicy jakesy
“Simon turned his chair backwards to ‘rap’ with his students. Moistening his lips, he began”
JCantrell, Alpacaman
I miss anything fun?
It seems very steele, is it very steele?
icy spicy jakesy
Steele somehow is more well-written
gellaho
The sun is a mystery
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
It is rather Steele. But the lips...
Dr. Mithras
Yes but more vanilla so far. Except for the lions
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
It definitely has the same confused politics as Steele. Global warming is bad but apparently any efforts to fix it is also bad.
gellaho
Psi-Man and his dog fought some lions. That was pretty fun
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Do these people live outside the Matrix or something?
Dr. Mithras
Has the explosion is Seattle darkened the whole global sky then for years or what
gellaho
Chapter 2 was a waste of time, which seems par for the course
Dr. Mithras
Which one was that
gellaho
This last part, with the bus fight and homeroom
Chapter 3 is only three pages long though
Dr. Mithras
Oh god he gave a whole chapter to that?
icy spicy jakesy
This guys thing seems to be foreheads
gellaho
Mr Quint
JCantrell, Alpacaman
If pulp sci fi writers knew what was up they wouldn't be pulp sci fi writers
Dr. Mithras
If Psi man and Rommel are the good guys is the dick in the tweed coat and blue sunglasses the villain?
gellaho
You have now read Chapter 3
Congrats
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Page 42. At this rate, there’s no way he can fit in the actual plot.
gellaho
Chapter 4: lunch
Dr. Mithras
If Psi man comes here, waste his time. Brush him off. Serve him cold coffee and tell him statistically He's wasting his time. You know, police work.
icy spicy jakesy
Has everyone forgotten that the psi man can read minds
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
I'm a football coach, but by night I'm a lion-wrestling psychic crimefighter with a talking dog.
gellaho
Psi-Man is going to teach history! Why do I care!
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I don’t think he’s Psi-man yet. We still need his origin story before the action can start.
Dr. Mithras
Can he, he seems to have skipped that and gone straight to telekinetically throwing apex predators around
icy spicy jakesy
I’m going to assume he can read minds
But you’re right, I guess they don’t explicitly say that yet
gellaho
There's a kid name Zack Jordan who isn't coming to school, I'm assuming that will be important
icy spicy jakesy
But also so far all his powers point to him being like Physical Man
Maybe they spelled it wrong and he’s supposed to be Phys Man
gellaho
I already know he's a psychic, why are you doing this
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
He implanted all his psychic powers to the dog so he could have super strength, and oh shit I like my story better.
Dr. Mithras
I knew a kid called Ahmed Zaman. He came back to school having legally changed his Name to Zaman Ahmed. To this day I'm convincrd he did it because we queued for dinner in alphabetical order. There was never any desert left for him
PowerThrills
Does Psi-man deliver the baby? Psy... psichically?
gellaho
Ex-wife, who cares
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Is he hiding his psychic powers while also bragging about how he aced the psychic tests?
gellaho
You can't start the book with him in a traveling circus, expecting me to care about his past domestic life
Dr. Mithras
I cannot tell this isn't Simon Hawke.
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Dude can read her mind and still lets her throw herself at him despite the frustration he can read it causing her.
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Talking murder dog! But first, high school bullshit.
gellaho
Fuck you, constitution
PowerThrills
"Now I've been POLITELY interested in you, so stop embarrassing yourself. Despite your obvious disinterest."
icy spicy jakesy
Lol people were mad but then like, whatever dude let’s go to the circus
Dr. Mithras
High school Football rules!
gellaho
I think you might be adding too many elements, Peter
gellaho
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
And we’ve done another flip to actually government is good again.
Dr. Mithras
Just say identity papers and we are up to speed.
gellaho
Narc!
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
okay, this apocalypse is getting a little too on the nose.
PowerThrills
Ooooh, it's one of the insurrectionists who found a time machine to go back in time to try to write a book to justify their actions.
gellaho
Lol
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
The only thing it got wrong is America's jails are doing great business, just GREAT profit margins.
gellaho
People haven't forgotten the Beatles now, you think they would if one became Prime Minister?
Peter!?
Dr. Mithras
Haha. His future is less dystopian than our present. How depressing
gellaho
Did Peter not know about debit cards?
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I seriously don't know how the author can square these two phrases: "the government would only take you away if you had done something that warranted it" and "Bill of Rights. Chuck made a derisive noise." This is utter madness.
PowerThrills
Or even bank transfers?
gellaho
He just stumbled upon the missing kid
PowerThrills
Gotta love that first reaction
gellaho
God, Chuck, you suck
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I thought this was first first day at work. Why should Zack know him?
PowerThrills
Had to dig deep not to shake that kid
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Oh no, back-of-class Zack is running with the goth kids now.
PowerThrills
Maybe I came into this a little late and this was addressed, but is Psi-man christian?
gellaho
There is no reason for this to be in the book
gellaho
He's a Quaker
PowerThrills
Even better
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
He knows EVERY martial art but he can win a fight by shutting down your brain.
gellaho
This dark mysterious man is only known as... Tony
PowerThrills
A historically left-wing, pro-union sect of christianity that often lived in communes
And strongly pacifist
gellaho
Car mind powers!
gellaho
He had to visualize picking a lock, but a car engine is not a problem
So I'm assuming that this is Rommel and they'll meet up again later
gellaho
Otherwise, I would hope he would have chosen a different breed
icy spicy jakesy
Lol there’s just like a roaming pack of Nazi dogs terrorizing this town
gellaho
Nope, I guess not
icy spicy jakesy
Spy man is only friends with one of them
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
He renamed himself Rommel after he talked to Chuck
gellaho
Aikido!
icy spicy jakesy
Lol proof of aikido!
gellaho
icy spicy jakesy
We still don’t know Toni Spumoni’s last name huh
gellaho
Oh, that sucks
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Wouldn't it be a better, more sensical story if he forced the driver to stop the car instead?
PowerThrills
Yeah, so psychic powers affect machines? Like in Maximum Overdrive, could he make a coke machine fire out cans?
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
There's a reason no one wanted to play with the kid whose power was "all of them" or wished for more wishes from the genie.
PowerThrills
Or just suddenly had "force field"
Classic Superman was that kid
gellaho
Chuck goes to the hospital with his lady friend. His powers are starting to manifest
This Zack kid was on a drug called Snap, so he could be better at the football
icy spicy jakesy
He could hike the ball with the speed of 100 Hogs when on the Snap
gellaho
Everyone, including Zack's parents, are unnecessarily uncooperative so Psi-Man can use his mind force
that's good writing
PowerThrills
Yeah, that's what they told him in the locker room when they gave him amyl nitrates.
gellaho
Then, Chuck's lady friend goes fucking ballistic
gellaho
gellaho
Now, we're in JD Masters territory. Your dick not working is worse than death
PowerThrills
If you take out every other sentence of the last four paragraphs, it's just erotic fiction
gellaho
PowerThrills
Called it.
GnomePickles
Just a question, this author is familiar with how conversations work right? Like he's at least seen people interact while hiding in the bushes watching them, waiting for their guard to drop. So he should be able to at least pretend that one of his characters can talk like a sane person.
gellaho
Psi-Man tried to set up Tony, but Tony kidnapped Linda instead
gellaho
Speaking of bushes
PowerThrills
Because you can't kill someone with knives and clubs?
Quickly?
Times six?
gellaho
He fights these six people with weapons for a little bit and then
GnomePickles
Those special nonlethal knives and clubs with extra blunt tips
gellaho
PowerThrills
Oh, so LARPers
gellaho
boom goes the dynamite
GnomePickles
I am now convinced that the rest of the book is a hallucination brought on by a concussion from the nonlethal clubs.
gellaho
60 pages later, Chuck has been activated
gellaho
Fucking sick
PowerThrills
Again, I'm very confused at him being a Quaker
gellaho
PowerThrills
So it's meant to be a contrast I suppose
GnomePickles
Chuck, reluctant mind wizard. Badass in spite of himself
gellaho
icy spicy jakesy
Lol he snapped and now is burning people alive! All it took was one drug dealer
Even Steele had more restraint than that
gellaho
Chuck has decided to start quipping as well
gellaho
I guess he also unlocked the one-liner part of his brain
Oh, don't you hate when you've gone a murderous rampage and your lady friend turns up alive and well?
That's always embarassing
PowerThrills
So, as I understand it, a black out is just a lapse in memory
Does the author mean he passed out or fainted?
icy spicy jakesy
I think so
He’s not great with words
gellaho
Apparently these bad guys were really counting on him sticking to his religious convictions when they pretended to kill his girlfriend
PowerThrills
Because saying he blacked out sounds more like a supreme court justice nominee defense than a dramatic turn of events
icy spicy jakesy
This all scans, traditionally people who say they’re religious are never psycho killers
PowerThrills
But how or why would they know or care about that?
He's just some dude that can blow shit up with his mind
icy spicy jakesy
Not only do they care about it, they’re obsessed with it
gellaho
This was the expected outcome
ProseAndKahn
I mean, Nixon was a Quaker...
PowerThrills
That's like being obsessed with the fact that Wolverine is Canadian
icy spicy jakesy
“We just thought he would make oatmeal!?!”
ProseAndKahn
“Hey, you know that Quaker who assaulted a bus driver for not being environmentally conscious enough? If we convince him we killed his girlfriend and blow up his house, he’ll just let it slide”
gellaho
These writers just love philosophizing
gellaho
Just sitting in prison thinking about aikido
ProseAndKahn
Captain Ahab was a Quaker
gellaho
Sure am glad we wasted so much time on this relationship
ProseAndKahn
“She put her moist lips on his giant forehead.”
icy spicy jakesy
Oh god if this gets super jesusy
gellaho
Ooh, gold
Really stretching yourself with that name, Pete
gellaho
PowerThrills
This is a weird prequel to Jaws
GnomePickles
Fun dun dun
ProseAndKahn
My name is Chuck Tony Simon, but you can just call me Psi-Man
icy spicy jakesy
“The Complex. It was all so simple. Chuck moistened his lips inquisitively”
gellaho
RIP CIA, FBI, NSA
PowerThrills
"Paint job? I'm no painter... oh, right."
gellaho
Chuck is joining the psychic avengers
gellaho
Fast-forward to today!
PowerThrills
Oh boy!
gellaho
Oh, fuck you. Bending spoons? Really
icy spicy jakesy
Fuck yeah lip action
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
I'm back from making risotto. What happened after he broke the goth kid's face?
PowerThrills
Both too much and not enough?
gellaho
He immolated seven men
ProseAndKahn
“Sweat trickled from his gargantuan forehead and moistened his plump lips”
icy spicy jakesy
He went all Ghost Rider and murdered a pack of drug dealers WITH HIS MIND
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
But he's a cool teacher!
gellaho
PowerThrills
So he can shut down a car engine, and explode a house and mindfuck seven men into throwing themselves in the flames, but can barely bend a spoon?
ProseAndKahn
Oh my god, how are there eight conditional clauses about what the sun would look like?
gellaho
Swing and a miss on that prediction, Pete
gellaho
ProseAndKahn
What are the odds that his blond hair is mentioned when he teams up with Rommel?
gellaho
Chuck ends up wearing this spoon on a necklace
PowerThrills
Asked and answered
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Does Chuck give glory to Christ for his miraculous gifts every time he uses them, or just the non-murder ones?
gellaho
OK, Mr Burns
ProseAndKahn
Here’s a necklace to remind you of the ex who dumped you. I made it out of a spoon
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Jesus Christ, I hate this world.
PowerThrills
Wait, what? There's no version of bending a spoon that looks like an A
gellaho
Wrong again, Pete
ProseAndKahn
Can I just say, I love how half the words in every sentence do nothing
gellaho
I would take another crack at this name
icy spicy jakesy
Smithers, the crack shot who was not at all popular in the 90s. Nope, nobody with that name in the 90s pop culture
ProseAndKahn
Smithers is a famously Russian surname
PowerThrills
"I'm sorry, did you you say Roll Bottle?"
ProseAndKahn
Reuel Beutel, he was in the Rural Juror
gellaho
Well, this is pointless
icy spicy jakesy
Fuckin Smithers didn’t even make it a whole chapter
ProseAndKahn
He died offscreen before he was even introduced
PowerThrills
Oh, at least he's just going to "kind of kill" him.
gellaho
The gun shot knocked him off a bridge
End of chapter
Five pages for Chapter 10
A chapter all about a new character killing two other new characters
chef's kiss
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Ugh, this guy dies and the last person he ever interacts with is the assassin version of water cooler guy who thinks his warmed-over Ross schtick is funny.
gellaho
It's called the forc - "insight"
ProseAndKahn
I mean, not just the storytelling, but the writing is so bad. “The blast tore off the top of his skull and he was already dead.” What does that actually mean? Was he already dead when the blast tore off?
GnomePickles
I honestly have no earthly clue how we are expected to follow this story. The narrative is more manic then a jumping spider on meth.
gellaho
Steven Seagal would love all this aikido talk
ProseAndKahn
Aikido>Quakerism, apparently
PowerThrills
Wait, when he learned aikido was he just a regular Quaker?
gellaho
He's actually training by lifting rocks
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Putting my quarter on this mysterious other psychic having tried to project violence into Chuck but discovering he was psi-resistant
gellaho
He chose quakerism first. His parents were Baptist.
ProseAndKahn
I assume Quint is riding Psi-Man like a backpack
“Insight, I call it.”
Is the next line “There is no try”
PowerThrills
So after he chose the Society of Friends, he learned a fighting style?
JCantrell, Alpacaman
I feel like aikido can't be the work out people claim it is
gellaho
Oh, Reuel Beutel is jealous
JCantrell, Alpacaman
"you're not butter bitch, you're the original graham cracker to his honey sweetened version"
PowerThrills
Why does the guy with a made up french-canadian name sound american southern?
ProseAndKahn
Like, pacifism is a tenet of Quakerism, but literally nothing prevents you from being a pacifist within any other denomination. Also, Richard Nixon is the most high profile Quaker in recent history
JCantrell, Alpacaman
Wait that came off sexual
gellaho
Reuel seems like he's not going to be a problem at all
JCantrell, Alpacaman
Turns out official membership into a specific group doesn't necessarily mean your actions will be in line with that groups ideals
gellaho
Here comes Rommel. 100 pages later
JCantrell, Alpacaman
Ruels going to betray quint and kill him out of jealousy and become a bad guy
ProseAndKahn
Do we think all the dogs will be named after a) generals b)nazis c) Germans
JCantrell, Alpacaman
That's my prediction
PowerThrills
With such an insane name, yes, absolutely
gellaho
So much aikido
PowerThrills
It's like when a tertiary character is played by James Woods
ProseAndKahn
Apparently this is a shock to all the people that thought they could control Psi-Man
PowerThrills
of course he's the bad guy
gellaho
gellaho
Aikido will be the key to Psi-Man's Mind Force
and donuts
PowerThrills
"Not for him" Fuck this dude.
gellaho
Put it on your tombstone
Perform aikido and float donuts
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Is it yeasted? Because a yeasted doughnut would break my con-psi-ntration.
JCantrell, Alpacaman
Whenever anyone picks aikido as the badass martial art for their character I know they didn't do their research
PowerThrills
I stand by my last statement.
ProseAndKahn
But they watched at least five Steven Seagal movies! What more do you want?
gellaho
Riveting
Ferroday, Priestess of Evillak
one of the major failings of the Dresden Files
gellaho
No one must know about my ability to sort clothing!
No one!
PowerThrills
"More than one thing at a time. Like flushing the toilet and examining his clothes!"
ProseAndKahn
Oh thank god, I was worried he couldn’t tie his shoes
gellaho
No, Pete, you need to explain why he wore the spoon.
gellaho
Not repeat the same thing again
Chuck's psychic powers can't sense a camera?
PowerThrills
Again, nothing you do to a spoon makes it look like an A.
ProseAndKahn
Look, some people can fly airplanes, some people can cure diseases, some people can float donuts, and some people can do spoon origami
It’s nothing extraordinary
PowerThrills
Not to him
gellaho
I thought that fucking dog would have showed up again by now
Preeminent psychic assassin
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Can't these people light actual fires under people? Choose your words carefully, we're not mind rea--oh.
ProseAndKahn
Isn’t there only one secret service now
Greg
I've only caught up to 5:37 but this book better continue to rule
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
That's what Homeland Security WANTS you to think.
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
We're all out of lions. How do you feel about teens named Zack?
ProseAndKahn
No, the book explicitly stated that “the complex” took over for everyone
PowerThrills
Maybe I missed it - when was this book published?
ProseAndKahn
He can’t even keep his own world building straight
gellaho
October 1990
ProseAndKahn
1990
PowerThrills
Oof, later than I thought.
gellaho
Beutel has been about to attack Chuck for 10 pages
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
So were the lions in medias res just to splash page us into paying attention?
ProseAndKahn
Look, David/Peter paid a martial arts consultant $5,000 dollars for three facts about aikido and a drawing of a dog, and by god, he’s going to get his money’s worth
gellaho
gellaho
When I think Rommel, I think unsullied
ProseAndKahn
As a Jewish man, I’d never thought I’d say this, but thank fucking god Rommel finally showed up
gellaho
Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha
You have got to be fucking kidding me
PowerThrills
I, I don't...
GDC
satanic nazi murder dog!
icy spicy jakesy
It’s happening. It’s really happening
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Rommel bucks the mould
icy spicy jakesy
Reincarnated Rommel from hell!
JCantrell, Alpacaman
That is the dumbest take, dogs are harder to control?
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
ok kids back from pajama hugging how is the book
gellaho
JCantrell, Alpacaman
Not great
ProseAndKahn
Cats are famously less high-strung than dogs
gellaho
Rommel is subject 666
ProseAndKahn
“Filled the bill”
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
lol
PowerThrills
The cat Himmler was a prized subject
icy spicy jakesy
Some, astutely, remember this as “the number of the ‘beast’”
ProseAndKahn
Is he the size of a horse or a car? You’re the author, you pick
Tommyg13
Oh for goodness sake, another one of these? Good gravy. More madness
PowerThrills
Yeah, those are different sizes
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
The actual number of the beast is 616, if you're translating right.
gellaho
Lotta build up to this psychic battle. Then he just gets jumped by a dog
Tommyg13
Cujo strikes again
PowerThrills
So they had a 6 ft. plus dog on a leash?
ProseAndKahn
Airplane engine roar is almost the opposite of staccato. Stop picking two completely different things and making us guess
gellaho
I don't think that's how allergies work, Peter
gellaho
Don't worry about it
PowerThrills
I mean, I don't know horse sizes, but a pinto's pretty big, right?
Tommyg13
@PowerThrills not a pinto bean :joy:
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
so we all agree Peter David did a rush job as a favor to someone and wanted no part of it?
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
so last I left lions were being shot with darts and now rommel is a science experiment hell dog
Tommyg13
Peter David’ nosebleed rags are so much better than this
icy spicy jakesy
The Hawke Method
gellaho
Counterpoint: There are 6 of these books and the Photon books
ProseAndKahn
His nosebleed rags were the color of apples, red delicious or Granny Smith, take your pick
gellaho
This is a long dog attack
icy spicy jakesy
Couldn’t he think about stopping the dog with his mind
Tommyg13
There’s a lotta machine analogies here
ProseAndKahn
No, he’s allergic
icy spicy jakesy
The preeminent psychic assassin can’t use his mind?
GnomePickles
Dude what kind of psychic assassin are you?
gellaho
Chuck needs therapy
Tommyg13
NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
GnomePickles
Bad fury balastic missile, no murdering the moron who forgot he can kill with his mind.
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Book of Quaker says no passive murder
ProseAndKahn
You know when the op psychic assassin is really pissed when he uses a mild swear
gellaho
That is amusing, you certainly wouldn't use that to give the dog a horrific name would you, Chuck?
gellaho
Great stuff, Pete
ProseAndKahn
That’s also the mirror reverse of the ss symbol
PowerThrills
Hot strength and Turgid durability
ProseAndKahn
He would have to go out of his way
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
This actually makes me miss the intelligent dog from Dean Koontz.
icy spicy jakesy
Which one?
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Feels like this is giving a lot of undue credit to dudes in clubs.
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
The one with the psychic connection to lab-grown Grendel.
gellaho
Very historic, indeed
Tommyg13
Oh boy. This prose is so purple, it’s got bruises
PowerThrills
MOST HISTORIC
ProseAndKahn
But should it be humped?
Tommyg13
@ProseAndKahn cool handle
gellaho
Wtf is this
Tommyg13
The dog tried the squirrel trick. Some psychic
gellaho
No, this sucks
PowerThrills
He, Chuck, was tricked psychically by a giant dog to "Look over there"
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
In Psi-Chuck's defense nobody expects subterfuge from a dog.
Tommyg13
Eyes rolling so hard, I saw my brain :brain:
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
God, I miss my labs and their dull attempts at trickery.
icy spicy jakesy
Lol “shit sucks” said the dog
Also anyone who calls the dick “genitals” this much is a psycho
GDC
is this a psychic assassin/satanic nazi dog buddy cop story now?
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Congratulations! You are now the Psi-Man!
gellaho
Quint is bizzaro Chuck
PowerThrills
Did they ever invade your thoughts before shitting on a couch?
Tommyg13
Ooh, thanks. What I get? What I get? What I get?
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
All the power of aikido. Use it for good, not Seagalery
gellaho
Hey, Pete, quit talking about the dog shitting and fucking
ProseAndKahn
“I have so little presence, automatic doors don’t even notice me”
Tommyg13
I don’t wanna get choked out by a senior citizen.
gellaho
Chuck only kills men who pretended to kill his almost-girlfriend
Tommyg13
Why so hesitant? It’s not like it can be traced back to him
icy spicy jakesy
Based on this, and I can’t believe it’s come to this, but have we been too harsh on JD Masters?
PowerThrills
To be fair, they did kill his almost-girlfriend's house
gellaho
icy spicy jakesy
He’s fuckin’ Dostoyevsky compared to this shit
gellaho
"You lied to me, Chuck. So you owe me this assassination"
ProseAndKahn
"When I have to be" is the best fucking answer to "are you religious
What does that even mean?
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Giphy offers me nothing on Joad Cressbeckler, so just picture me with a Bowie knife saying "By God, you hush up!"
GDC
He goes to church on easter to make his grandma happy.
ProseAndKahn
Like, I can take Rosh Hashanah off
Tommyg13
“Nothing happens around here unless I want it to, Chuck”
So you let the dog attack him.
PowerThrills
I grew up in the South. I know those dudes.
ProseAndKahn
But also eat cheeseburgers
gellaho
Here it comes
Perpetually Shocked Fay
“Laddie”
Please let it be
Tommyg13
Oh screw you in the ear, you freaking hack.
ProseAndKahn
It's introduced in the first chapter.
You're not going to like it
Perpetually Shocked Fay
Thanks haven’t scrolled up that far yet
ProseAndKahn
We've been building up to finding out how he ended up with such a terrible name
Tommyg13
Oh, so totally worth it...:face_vomiting:
gellaho
We're missing a very important four letter word starting with N here
Tommyg13
He named the dog after the enemy in WW2. Eyes roll again like the undertaker
GnomePickles
Ok Chuck, what else was Rommel famous for buddy? Maybe his position in a certain group?
gellaho
And then Peter just moves on. Name a dog after a nazi and don't even worry about it
PowerThrills
"Hey! you know! That famous tank commander!"
ProseAndKahn
He also has a pet fish named Donitz, and a model train named Eichmann
Tommyg13
@gellaho I’m sorry, who wrote this again, please?
PowerThrills
Why isn't he surprised the dog apparently speaks and understands english, if only mentally?
GDC
"I named my guinea pig Mengele, you see, because..."
Tommyg13
The telepathy translates I guess
gellaho
David Peters, aka Peter David
GDC
a cunning disguise
Tommyg13
@gellaho Really?
ProseAndKahn
"He's big and unbreakable, like a stone wall. I know, I'll call him Stonewall Jackson!"
"He was famous for being a general and nothing else"
gellaho
Yes
Tommyg13
Oh, stop it. You’ll give him ideas
gellaho
Tommyg13
Oh, man. I can’t believe this is the same guy who wrote the Star Trek books.
ProseAndKahn
"He's so strong, I bet he can travel heavily laden. I got it, Osama bin Laden!"
gellaho
So they sent the only survivor of Chuck's massacre and Chuck decides to quit
PowerThrills
I saw someone do the Pol Pot joke earlier, so I won't
icy spicy jakesy
I will take your word that this isn’t David’s finest hour
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
His Hulk run is fantastic.
Tommyg13
Not any worse than what he wrote
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
He created the Maestro and wrote The Last Avengers Story
gellaho
And wrote the Photon books
"Aren't necktie parties fun?"
Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
Risotto's ready. Stay frosty, Psi-gnomes.
Tommyg13
Apparently, you can’t hit a home run every time you go to bat
PowerThrills
Did he suffer a very specific and brief brain injury before writing this?
GDC
Necktie parties sound like a sex thing.
Tommyg13
Mundanes. Related to Mudbloods?
ProseAndKahn
There was literally a "Necktie Social" in the book of terrible self-published poetry I went over on here yesterday
It wasn't not a sex thing
PowerThrills
It could have been. Coward.
ProseAndKahn
wasn't not
GDC
that's definitely a sex thing for someone.
PowerThrills
Ah, I'm seeing I missread that.
Tommyg13
And people complain about tv
gellaho
You can't call the book series Psi-Man and then mock it for being silly, bud
PowerThrills
OH! I get it.
Simon
Psi-man
God I feel dumb
icy spicy jakesy
Lol I love that like 4 people have gradually come to that realization mid-read
Tommyg13
No, that’s your brain escaping
gellaho
How's Psi-Man gonna get out of this predicament
ProseAndKahn
Psi-man is just brain leaving the body
"a major lobotomy all over your body"
Gonna get all my lobes
Tommyg13
And this mess got published. Haven’t enough trees died already?
GDC
get all my gut lobes
leg lobes, all those lobes
gellaho
Chuck doesn't want to kill anyone. I'm sure none of this raining glass could possibly hurt anyone
ProseAndKahn
The leg lobes connected to the, knee lobe
Tommyg13
I know, right?
JCantrell, Alpacaman
Depends on what you after you meet up with the date
PowerThrills
A rain of death
ProseAndKahn
"I don't want to hurt anyone"
Rain of death
JCantrell, Alpacaman
Also necktie social is a Mormon key party
Change my mind
ProseAndKahn
I mean, you're not wrong.
gellaho
Quint's getting an eyepatch
PowerThrills
Just cause he looked up?
That's ... thrilling
ProseAndKahn
Wait, is the dog going to get in the sidecar?
Cuz we were told he's as big as a horse and/or car
PowerThrills
Why doesn't Chuck just ride Rommel?
gellaho
Dumber
ProseAndKahn
Yes!!! I am on board now
PowerThrills
THE FUCK
ProseAndKahn
I knew we expected simple Psi-man's powers to be variable, but I didn't expect the dog's size to be choose your own adventure
PowerThrills
"But I can't grip these bars! I don't have thumbs!"
ProseAndKahn
I'm fully imagining a truck sized dog sitting on a motorcycle
It is glorious
gellaho
ProseAndKahn
The perfect cover
PowerThrills
"Of course he's a front! Haven't you ever seen a psychic control a dog driving a motorcycle!"
GDC
that's like, psychic powers 101
gellaho
I think Chuck is going to get this patsy of his killed
PowerThrills
Why aren't people running and screaming from the horse/car-sized-dog?
gellaho
Misusing id will definitely send you straight to hell
PowerThrills
How can he even get on the bus?
JCantrell, Alpacaman
You know going into this I didn't expect to question whether the author has seen a dig before, but I'm starting to wonder
gellaho
Fast-forward back to the circus
ProseAndKahn
I'm pretty sure he's seen a dog. I don't know if he's ever seen a horse and/or car
PowerThrills
Maybe he's Quaker? Do quakers have dogs?
JCantrell, Alpacaman
"dogs are horse sized right?"
ProseAndKahn
"and horses are car sized?"
gellaho
I've heard that they hadn't yet invented the car or horse in 1990
PowerThrills
If he's Quaker, maybe he's only seen horses
and thinks they're dogs?
JCantrell, Alpacaman
"they ride horses and they ride cars, they must be about the same size right?"
ProseAndKahn
if Dog=Horse
and Horse=Car
Then Dog=Car
Q.E.D.
But also, never ride the horse/car sized dog
PowerThrills
No, the horse drives the motorcycle
gellaho
I'm glad the greatly named Reuel Beutel is sticking around
PowerThrills
I, I think
Roll Bottle! My favorite obviously-the-villain
GnomePickles
Hi I am from the evil faceless shadow organization responcable for extra-judical killings, can you please answer some questions for me?
ProseAndKahn
So, i just did research, and pinto isn't even a breed of horse
It's just a description of coloring
Tommyg13
Hence pinto bean
PowerThrills
Huh
gellaho
Carnies
ProseAndKahn
So Rommel is either the size of a Ford Pinto or any size horse with a particular color pattern
Take your pick
Tommyg13
More unsexy sexiness
PowerThrills
I pick Ford Pinto painted in that particular color pattern
ProseAndKahn
driving a motorcycle
PowerThrills
Which is still too big to fit on a bike
JCantrell, Alpacaman
Could be a pony or a clydesdale
GnomePickles
This just took a turn for the rapey
ProseAndKahn
Depending on the demands of the story
Tommyg13
Gosh almighty, the prose, the prose...
gellaho
What's with this jack ass shit
Tommyg13
The manure would be vaporized by the cannon blast :boom:
GDC
Haha, he got Biff Tannen'd
ProseAndKahn
Literally the same thing twice, twice. "Too slow, too late. The cannon exploded, discharging its contents"
PowerThrills
I'm assuming TK is telekinesis
GnomePickles
Um if you can blow up wi dows why do you need to fire manure from a cannon my guy?
JCantrell, Alpacaman
Why do these books never have editors?
Tommyg13
There ya go, applying logic to this mess...
Tommyg13
Ed..it..tore? What be this?
gellaho
Beutel wasn't even there for the Psi-Man thing, now he's saying it unironically?
GnomePickles
All the editor money went to cover consultants
Tommyg13
How did he know his name was psi man? This is the Martha from Batman v Superman all over again
gellaho
He actually gave Quint an eyepatch
ProseAndKahn
"Psi-Man, don't use your best weapon against me, or I'll kill the people I've already tried to kill!"
JCantrell, Alpacaman
It was very important they got that dog consultant, clearly not a waste of time
Tommyg13
Quint is a member of the eff bee eye!
ProseAndKahn
Dog consultant:
I dunno, they like to hump things and eat things and poop, I guess? What's that? Would the dog care if he was named after Rommel?
gellaho
I don't know how Beutel forgot about his kryptonite-like aversion to dogs
Tommyg13
TK battles, saving money on special effects to go towards the director’s cocaine since the movie Scanners...
ProseAndKahn
Martial arts consultant:
I dunno, maybe bash his head into a trapeze? I guess that's aikido
Tommyg13
As a newly self appointed Akido expert, I’d have to say, nope.
GnomePickles
No I cannot use this guys biggest weakness, I must smash his head into a pole as that is a nonlethal take down.
gellaho
So Dakota, the tight rope walker from a million years ago, is trying to get Psi-Man down from a tight rope
Psi-Man is the only thing keeping Rommel from absolutely murdering Beutel
so what does Beutel do? Makes Psi-Man lose his concentration
Tommyg13
Saw the b-tch in the football jersey. Stay classy
ProseAndKahn
Some how I think Rootle Tootles isn't a very good assassin
gellaho
So, that doesn't end well for Beutel
GnomePickles
You have a gun, shoot the dog and, "psi-man" in the knee.
gellaho
Then he runs
Tommyg13
How will Beutel applaud now? Not very loudly I guess
gellaho
Only hatchets for some reason
GnomePickles
Wait, "spit out the fist?" Biology wants a word with you.
gellaho
Off to the next great adventure
ProseAndKahn
Bring me the car that is the same size as this dog or a horse
gellaho
Chapter 19 is the last chapter. This is the full text
gellaho
There is no reason for that to exist
Also: THE END
Tommyg13
Oh my goodness. What a wonderful book!
ProseAndKahn
The dangling participle in the first sentence means the pickup truck was unseen behind the clouds
gellaho
The preview for the book promised a lot of murder
ProseAndKahn
Just on a sentence-by-sentence level, this is so badly written
gellaho
Instead I get pacifist psychic who doesn't want to kill or do anything
Tommyg13
Gotta zip up your fly with those dangling participles
ProseAndKahn
He just wants to practice akido, and hang out with his dog friend, who he named after Rommel, the famous general and nothing else
GnomePickles
In a circus with coworkers who are suprizingly loyal to him.
gellaho
He did save that guy from a lion mauling. Carnie code
Based on the book's text, this is just him doing Aikido
ProseAndKahn
The carnival is basically what if Geek Love but terrible
Also, based on the cover, that dog is, like, smaller than average for a German Shepherd
gellaho
That scene on the cover is also not in the book. I have no idea where that is
GnomePickles
It is Mr. Unconnected and his knee high dog Patton having a night out
ProseAndKahn
Also, it says he's the most hunted man on earth, but there's literally only one guy looking for him
He's a somewhat sought after man
And would be dangerous if he weren't a pacifist
SI-MON
Quaker Warrior
gellaho
At least I know now why most of these covers are him doing weird martial arts
GnomePickles
A pasifist who sent a shower of glass raining down on a collection of soldiers and set a half dozen people on fire
gellaho
PowerThrills
So, this author has written arguably good books?
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Remember at the beginning when they made a big deal about him dying his hair black so he wouldn't be found, but then, oh yeah, he has a dog the size of a horse/car/whatever which is slightly more likely to stand out than a blonde guy?
ProseAndKahn
Mind-force warrior seems like someone couldn't remember the word for psychic
GnomePickles
And didn't change his name at all.
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
The cover to book 2 looks like they had the photoshoot for both book covers on the same day. Didn't even change his clothes.
gellaho
gellaho
That's what people tell me. At least good comic books
ProseAndKahn
He's can blow shit up with his mind and has a dog of indeterminately large size, but all the covers are him punching people while his boring dog of fixed proportions looks on
PowerThrills
Yeah, that dog is decidedly of normal size
ProseAndKahn
Like, have him do a Scanners style head-splosion while his dog swallows the rest of the dude's body in a single gulp, you cowards
Greg
Ok caught up to here @ 800. Strong start with lions and problematic dogs. Hoping for a comeback by 9:30
gellaho
This is really the only one showing him using psychic powers
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Psychic powers or Force lightning?
gellaho
The dog is suspiciously absent for the last three books
ProseAndKahn
How many books before it stops being an "electrifying new series"
PowerThrills
Yeah, "psychic" is a stretch
ProseAndKahn
This looks more like a poster for a magic show than psychic combat
gellaho
The last one
GnomePickles
I like to think each book is him dealing with the one guy chasing him in more and more painful ways.
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I assume that, like Steele, all these books were published in an embarrassingly short timeframe
ProseAndKahn
Tonight, on Fox, don't miss a new episode of the Electrifying New Series: The Simpsons!
GnomePickles
He didn't let the dog eat him as the dog had already tortured him and therefore he needed to find a new way to cause the poor bastard harm.
ProseAndKahn
He loses another body part in each installment
gellaho
October 1990 to May 1992, so about the same length of time as Steele
ProseAndKahn
First draft, last draft, get it out the door
GnomePickles
We will find out at the end of the series that Chick is an unreliable narrator and the agent chasing him is trying to protect the citizens from the villain psi-man, sacrificing body parts as he goes.
gellaho
GnomePickles
Chuck*
ProseAndKahn
But shit, though, Chick was the name of the telekinetic kid in Geek Love
PowerThrills
Well that's Judo
not Aikido
gellaho
And then the last book where he fights anemic RoboCop with hair
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
It's possible I've spent more time composing a work e-mail than this guy spent writing one of these books. I'd be ashamed to put that little effort into something.
PowerThrills
There is about 300% more martial arts on the covers than in the text.
Greg
So the way I feel is that I liked it when the dog drove the motorcycle
gellaho
Ahuh
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
It's weird how the only martial arts he used was on the bus driver, but he sure did talk about aikido all the damn time.
PowerThrills
Here in New England, Quaker communities are known for making good wooden furniture.
I'd like it if the covers just had him making some nice chairs
The dog has a brush in his mouth, helping him stain a table
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
At least then he would have a personality. As it is, he doesn't want to kill people because he's a Quaker. That he could be replaced with any other reason and the book would be exactly the same.
PowerThrills
It'd make as much sense
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
It would be better. I'd love to watch him teach the dog to psychically use a belt sander.
