An absent-minded scientist transported to a magic world, Dr. Marvin Brewster has just become...
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gellaho
Let's try this again. Simon Hawke does...comedy? This Friday, 5pm eastern, read as a time travelling nerd bumbles his way through the past and talks to a toilet in The Reluctant Sorcerer! I have a feeling this is going to be painful.
No interruptions this time
gellaho
gellaho
Thanks for the pin
四道死狐「Ｄｊｏｎｉｎ」
Brockway
Anytime, anyplace, anywhere, if you ever need me, I'll be there.
Thrillho
Can you help me move a couch?
gellaho
https://davidmattingly.com/
icy spicy jakesy
“It’s a livin’!”
FancyShark
"Whaddya want? I got a hammer. I got a beard. I'm basically a Thor, ain't I?"
icy spicy jakesy
Also with this face I had to do it
Thrillho
“I don’t know, I just thought you could use this sword”
FancyShark
An excellent decision
gellaho
It is superb
gellaho
Coming up at 5pm, it's Simon Hawke's comedic fantasy book: The Reluctant Sorcerer
FancyShark
ooooohhhh boy
I really hope that wasn't one of his best examples of witty dialogue
FancyShark
wait, shit. He's trying to do 'character can hear narrator' AND 'out of sync dialogue' at once
gellaho
This one's for Yang
gellaho
And all these dudes
gellaho
We start with a nerd ignoring his lady friend to watch Frankenstein
FancyShark
"Which was weird because she normally had a pinched, screechy voice with a thick German accent"
gellaho
And Simon Hawke is *into* it
icy spicy jakesy
Hahaha
FancyShark
hahaha
icy spicy jakesy
God dam big titty redhead scientists strike again
FancyShark
okay, Hawke. I'll give you that one
gellaho
This fictional lady is really hot
icy spicy jakesy
Is Matrix going to record a sex tape of this one too?
FancyShark
This is funny, but not quite in the way Hawke intended
gellaho
Frankenstein is this man's philosophy
FancyShark
Adorable
gellaho
Ladies be floor sitting
icy spicy jakesy
My god it is her
Dr Jennifer Stone
FancyShark
Is Hawke married or is this some fixation of his?
gellaho
Gross
gellaho
I know he's married now. I don't know about in 1992
FancyShark
Somewhere, a therapist's eyes turn to dollar signs
icy spicy jakesy
I know he said he can’t make it today but for future skimming purposes, I summon @Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
FancyShark
good call
gellaho
Women love it when you psychotically write on the walls
gellaho
I don't know how this is going to be important when this nerd travels back in time
FancyShark
Very understanding since that's a hat shop
gellaho
The best way to attract women is to be a hopeless dolt
FancyShark
I speak from experience when I say no it isn't
gellaho
What is a tie if not a neck hat
icy spicy jakesy
Really makes you think
FancyShark
Are not pants the hats of our junk?
gellaho
I can see why the ladies love this guy
FancyShark
Brewster is too shy to admit he's gay
icy spicy jakesy
Hahaha
gellaho
Very healthy relationship
icy spicy jakesy
Does he even know they’re in one
It sounds to me like she’s hassling this guy who just wants to watch Frankenstein and be a rich professor
FancyShark
"Maybe if I turn up the volume she'll take a hint and leave"
gellaho
This guy thinks they're going to round up a posse if he tells anyone about his time travel experiments
FancyShark
Playing games in scifi novels? Who'd write something like that?
gellaho
Fuck you, Einstein!
FancyShark
"Einstein wouldn't let me watch Frankenstein, either"
icy spicy jakesy
You may not like it, but this is what peak sciencing looks like
gellaho
Helicopter time machine
FancyShark
What year was this published? Time Chasers may have a lawsuit on their hands
He's going to spend the next couple pages describing how this time travel works. It's all written like this
icy spicy jakesy
This is where we need Javo’s Rules of Magic to chime in
FancyShark
Hawke, you're writing this. You have control over how confusing this is
gellaho
I'm going to skip to the end
icy spicy jakesy
“It’s a working time machine, it works fuck you”
gellaho
Far too late. For something
gellaho
LIIIIPS
FancyShark
Woman, you're eating his scraps off the floor. Have some dignity
gellaho
I skipped over the part where he lost a time machine due to a faulty switch
FancyShark
heh
That'll probably be how he gets home
gellaho
I guess he is aware that she exists
FancyShark
That's reassuring
gellaho
Can you figure out what Michael Timothy O'Fallon is?
FancyShark
hmmmmmm
icy spicy jakesy
Let’s go to the tape
Wait is he trying to be George RR Martin now
FancyShark
Reads more like he's trying to Pratchett
gellaho
If you guessed Dwarf-racist/Leprechaun congratulations
gellaho
FancyShark
I had dwarf, but not Leprechaun. Also, leprechauns again, Hawke?
Simon must have had an Irish friend that he thought was the coolest
icy spicy jakesy
Don’t worry, there will also be a Russian involved
FancyShark
The Russian will be grim and religious
gellaho
Seems like the trip is going well
icy spicy jakesy
Also, another character named Mick? There’s one in every god dam Hawke book
FancyShark
Is Hawke going to say this is an alternate reality, or will he insist fantasy creatures existed in the past?
FancyShark
Hey, if you know a second Irish name, Hawke doesn't want to hear it
gellaho
The greatest of all fantasy creatures: the bull
icy spicy jakesy
Leprechauns are famously known for their cattle farming
gellaho
RIP
FancyShark
Bulls: They just attack stuff
gellaho
Especially if it's shooting sparks and is aflame
animals love fire
icy spicy jakesy
The red and white striped parachute enraged it obvi
gellaho
Yer a wizard, Marv
FancyShark
Seriously, Hawke. If you don't mention this is an alternate reality at some point, I'm going to worry about you
gellaho
These Leprechauns and their hipster handshakes
icy spicy jakesy
Lol
FancyShark
"What it is, ethnic stereotype"
gellaho
It's amazing he doesn't understand that his time machine sent him into the past
He somehow still thinks he's 10 minutes in the past
FancyShark
Scientific genius!
icy spicy jakesy
Despite the fact that he’s talking to a …leprechaun
gellaho
They don't understand what a year is?
FancyShark
Leprechauns can't tell time. This is well-researched.
gellaho
Jokes
FancyShark
...
Hawke is giving me flashbacks to creative writing workshops
Actually, no. He's writing in a way I'd picture as appealing to the character sissyneck plays
gellaho
Sounds like a good buzz
FancyShark
"Also, it's not for drinkin'. Hand over all yer belongins and I'll give yeh the antidote."
gellaho
Fairy racism is a real problem
FancyShark
Brewster is wondering if Einstein set him up
"Clever bastard. Always one step ahead."
gellaho
Sentient booze bushes
FancyShark
And they can feel fear and presumably pain!
gellaho
I don't know what to do with this information
FancyShark
Simon's going down one of his rabbit holes of pointless lore
gellaho
Could you imagine? A Kingdom of Frank!? How delightfully droll
FancyShark
Hoho! Hawke, you rapscallion!
gellaho
This is the kind of humor I'd expect in a book for ten year olds
FancyShark
Ten year olds with crazy-hot wives
gellaho
Considering the first Chapter was about how hot a lady scientist was, it doesn't really fit
FancyShark
"Kids, you all know what it's like to want to plow a redhead's soil until you both can't stand, right?"
"My parents say not to talk to you, Mr. Hawke"
gellaho
Thanks for giving me context for one of the most famous quotes in human history
I wouldn't have recognized that without telling me Dorothy said it
FancyShark
I'm growing more certain he's trying to emulate Terry Pratchett. Which is a terrible idea because Pratchett was a master of language and Hawke wrote this
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I'm late, so maybe you already covered this. Methinks Hawke has a thing for smart redheads.
gellaho
Simon got distracted again
FancyShark
Dammit. Someone jingle their keys and see if we can get his attention
gellaho
Don't do foreshadowing this way
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Nearly half the stuff I type just in this Discord ends up deleted entirely, but Hawke refuses to edit down a single word in this book.
More words = better, right?
gellaho
Simon is in his "parentheticals are funny" period
I went through the same period in middle school
FancyShark
He's not going full Pratchett or he'd be doing footnotes
gellaho
It is closely related
FancyShark
True
gellaho
Is there a Steven Spielberg time travel movie I've forgotten?
gellaho
Simon Hawke muses on the nature of confusion
FancyShark
Now that's genuinely insightful and amusing
gellaho
It's not meant to last
FancyShark
Dammit, Simon
With one paragraph he giveth and with another he taketh away
gellaho
Lord Baethan, help me
I want to thank my autocorrect for coming up with that joke
FancyShark
Ugh. At least he finally admitted this is an alternate universe
gellaho
Uh, oh. Simon forgot his ending parenthesis
It was bound to happen
That statement about gold is also kind of true in this universe, but whatever
FancyShark
Not sure gold utensils are a great idea
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Gold is non-reactive so professional tasters use them for that reason.
FancyShark
Interesting!
gellaho
You want your forks malleable
FancyShark
One stubborn pork chop and you need a new dining set
gellaho
Is this a joke about the Screen Actor's Guild?
gellaho
FancyShark
Not nysteel?
gellaho
Seems similar
This might be his fantasy nysteel
I haven't read any of his other fantasy novels, so I'll have to see if it shows up
FancyShark
Description is definitely similar
gellaho
Oh, a teamsters joke. It's been a while
FancyShark
A joke that will never seem quaint
gellaho
That's not quite how the Supreme Court works
gellaho
Nevermind
FancyShark
Dammit again, Simon
gellaho
Aluminum is an element, you don't make it from other metals
It is quite literally elemental
FancyShark
Too late. Hawke's thinking about redheads and leprechauns again
gellaho
two related concepts
BUY SWISS ARMY KNIVES
This goes on for so long
FancyShark
"Hint hint, readers who want to buy me, Simon Hawke, a present"
gellaho
I'd love to buy Simon a present
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I'm going to take a moment to rant about this. A Swiss army knife does everything less well than other tools you have around the house. And if you're out in the wild, a corkscrew and can opener are useless.
gellaho
When does the story start
FancyShark
We're what, 25% through the book?
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
"All right, think Simon. Let's go back to the basics with this book. 'Tell, don't show' they say. I've got this."
gellaho
Around there
FancyShark
I'm sure the story will kick in once he stops thinking of things to rant abou- oh hell, we're not going anywhere, are we
gellaho
They've been sitting at a table for twenty pages
Simon Hawke has moved on to the use of a long list for humor
GDC
Oh no, pontificating Simon is worst Simon.
gellaho
Hitting all the comedic boxes for a school-age nerd
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
An awl? If there's not a very tense leather working scene I'll be very...well not surprised or disappointed. Mostly annoyed at this weird advertorial about knives.
gellaho
Still going, baby
Buy your Swiss Army Knife today
FancyShark
Christ. I watch Forged In Fire and even I think Hawke needs to ease up on the blade talk
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I knew we were kindred spirits. I love the 25% of that show when people aren't talking.
gellaho
FancyShark
FancyShark
AAAAGGGGHHHH
gellaho
I demand you get on with it Simon
FancyShark
The best stories are those where all agency is stripped from the characters so the author can work on their stand-up routine
gellaho
I don't know how to describe this, but this is something I recognize from school. Where you are too busy trying to be clever and funny that your story doesn't go anywhere, you just keep trying to be meta
This is literally something I would do in middle school
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Holy shit, nearly two hours and it's just starting chapter 4?
FancyShark
Same. You nailed it
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
His teachers quickly learned not to give him a minimum essay length.
FancyShark
Fuck, this is the kind of storytelling bad habit I still have to fight when I tell stories
gellaho
Boy oh boy
FancyShark
nnnggghh
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
This wouldn't be a problem if it was half as long and it was going somewhere. Instead, it's needlessly wordy and just gets in the way of the story.
gellaho
I'm not sure if this character is absent-minded, or if Simon Hawke is. Why are they developing moonshine
I didn't crop that because you need to see how pointless it is
FancyShark
He's explaining to an alchemist how to make a distillery? That seems condescending
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Hawke was so proud of himself for remembering half a moonshine documentary he saw once he had to include all of this.
gellaho
Just think of it, a nearsighted knight
Named Bloody Bob
FancyShark
Let's see what hijinks they get up to!
gellaho
Hawke's got a type
FancyShark
Ice sighting?
gellaho
he's not black, so not quite
FancyShark
ah, dang
gellaho
Wait, you tellin' me this nerd ain't wearing glasses?
The cover lied to me!?
@icy spicy jakesy The cover is a lie!
FancyShark
BOOOO! FALSE ADVERTISING!
:BB: :OOO: :OO:
icy spicy jakesy
Haha dammit
FancyShark
Also, I assume Hawke will now give us an extensive lecture on eyeglasses and prescription lenses?
gellaho
Kinda
icy spicy jakesy
Ugh work stuff prevented me from paying much attention for the last hour or so
FancyShark
Don't worry. Hawke's not paying attention either
gellaho
Tell them to suck it
If I never have to hear this quote again, it'll be too soon
FancyShark
Okay. Pedantry is at least sated at not having the glasses magically be the knight's prescription
gellaho
We are checking off that humor checklist
gellaho
PSA jokes, baby
FancyShark
What's left?
"Why didn't you tell us this before?" "Nobody asked me"
gellaho
Lay off the punctuation
FancyShark
That'd have been a decent joke if we hadn't gotten twenty pages on how great swiss army knives are
gellaho
This is still happening
FancyShark
Did...did Hawke read an encyclopedia and try to make a novel out of what he'd learned?
gellaho
I'm skipping now
They construct a still, a Franklin stove, a cistern, a toilet, and a sluice
FancyShark
all in heavy detail?
gellaho
More than is necessary
Which is none
FancyShark
hahahaha
gellaho
Then a bunch of dumbasses join
FancyShark
Mike is sort of amusing
gellaho
Then, fuck it, a historical figure shows up
FancyShark
"Sharp wit", Hawke? Don't write checks you can't cash
gellaho
Who is this for
icy spicy jakesy
He clearly thinks that giving the guys funny names makes this a comedy
FancyShark
Oh my god, this is exactly what Javo hates about lore
gellaho
Carson jokes, baby
FancyShark
This is somehow more painful than Photon's jokes
gellaho
I am skipping a very long story where someone named Prince Brian gets turned into a toilet
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
So if he left all these pointless bits in, the only conclusion is Hawke thinks they're incredibly funny. I hate to disagree with the man who gave us Steele, but...
gellaho
This doesn't get funnier the more times you do it
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
It's like reading Shakespeare, but keeping the stage directions and adding comments from the bitchiest director ever.
gellaho
Finally meet the third person from the cover
FancyShark
Whoever taught Simon Hawke digression, I hope they're burning in hell
gellaho
Simon is getting horned up again
gellaho
I didn't mind it in Psychodrome because the points were somewhat relevant. More importantly, he wasn't trying to be funny
icy spicy jakesy
Yeah I’m thinking maybe humor just isn’t his bag
gellaho
some of them were actually funny, but they were far more sardonic than whatever this is
FancyShark
Fair. He's burned through a lot of the good will Psychodrome earned him with this though
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
We are well past the sell-by date on this kind of humor. Maybe it worked better closer to the publication date?
gellaho
Uh oh
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Listen, I'm trying to be fair here.
Oh God DAMMIT
gellaho
Jesus Christ
FancyShark
Hawke...you gave us a fight once between sharks and ninjas. What happened to you, man?
gellaho
icy spicy jakesy
We don’t need a Raven situation here
gellaho
Oh, that gave me a good laugh
FancyShark
haha
gellaho
icy spicy jakesy
Hahahaha
FancyShark
Hawke's back in his wheelhouse!
icy spicy jakesy
Simon can barely hide his erection at this point
gellaho
"This is true of all men. I'm not saying anything about myself"
FancyShark
And another therapist's eyes turn to dollar signs
icy spicy jakesy
I’m surprised Shannon doesn’t look like Ice
gellaho
What you want from a sexual partner is a childish interest in zippers
FancyShark
Infantilized right after being called maternal. Impressive, Simon
gellaho
she contains multitudes
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Perfect opportunity to have her catch his dick in the zipper. But no, he abandons his comedy shtick as soon as boobs show up.
gellaho
I don't know why this is happening
FancyShark
My sympathies to his wife
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Yeah you do. And it has nothing to do with the story.
gellaho
Does anyone know what this s'trewth business is
FancyShark
It's some sort of British exclamation
gellaho
She just gets off him when he says he's engaged to a sorceress
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Maybe it's something like God's Wounds slowly morphing to zounds? Other than that, no idea.
gellaho
I need you to know that this entire chapter could have been condensed into these paragraphs
FancyShark
FFS
gellaho
Simon Hawke on the cutting edge of username humor
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Gandalf? I know that guy!
gellaho
There's a wizard named Warrick Morgannan
He uses his real name, which is some kind of wizard faux pas
FancyShark
We might have just learned Hawke's D&D character's name
GDC
'the White' is not a particularly uncommon wizard epithet, I think.
gellaho
If he didn't pick Donovan Steele I don't know what he's doing
FancyShark
Not since Tolkien, at least
gellaho
Teddy the Tiny Troll
GDC
Hawke's DND character is Ice, which he keeps rerolling after constant heroic sacrifices.
gellaho
Oh, no. The Meta is starting
FancyShark
oh hell
Don't do this, Simon
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
No, there's still time to change course.
FancyShark
Come down off the ledge. There are people here for you
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
He'll surprise us with something genuinely clever and witty. I have faith in Hawke.
gellaho
This dude has the other time machine
If you remember what little plot there has been
FancyShark
Good. Hawke didn't forget that either
Wait, it IS a time machine?
As well as something that goes through-
Goddammit, he built a TARDIS
gellaho
There is a long story about how he got the machine, I'm skipping most of it
This part about wizards traveling to 1992 is mildly amusing
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I feel the same way about this book as so many other things he's written. He comes up with great premises, but needs someone more technically skilled to write for him.
FancyShark
haha, okay, that's pretty good
gellaho
Now to bring you back down with some alliteration
FancyShark
Noooooo!
gellaho
We are diving into meta, buds
Put on your diving helmets
FancyShark
:diving_mask:
gellaho
This is not something Hawke is capable of
Practically noone is
FancyShark
This is the literary equivalent of giving a child a loaded gun
gellaho
This is getting cartoony
FancyShark
Um...third base?
gellaho
What are you doing, Simon
Simon, stop
FancyShark
Seek help, Simon
There are people whose entire job is to look at this stuff and trim or "edit" it
gellaho
I can't believe this is happening
FancyShark
He's just journaling now
gellaho
I don't know what this book is about
icy spicy jakesy
Yeah what even is this
FancyShark
I...can't even figure out what to say. He's self-aware, but he's still going
gellaho
I will say this: the meta stuff is far more entertaining that Brewster building shit
They've added a septic tank and now he's explaining light bulbs
I won't subject you to that
FancyShark
hahaha, jesus. Thank you
The meta stuff is a nervous breakdown committed to page
gellaho
The talking toilet has made its appearance
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Hawke talking to the readers like they're unfamiliar with the concept of suspension of disbelief.
gellaho
A talking toilet is at the Captain Underpants level of humor
if you were keeping track
FancyShark
The fact that the sexpot thief lady is the one focused on it is Hawke thinking about toilet cams
gellaho
she tried to steal it's jewels, I'm assuming that's why
This is how long it has taken for this "genius" to figure out his buddy is a leprechaun
FancyShark
Einstein must be feeling so smug right now
gellaho
it's like 120 or so pages
He's a weretoilet btw
FancyShark
hahaha, fucking what?
gellaho
or "werepot", but I refuse to say that
icy spicy jakesy
“Were-shitter’s full!”
gellaho
D'ya get it? Do you
FancyShark
Duuuuude
gellaho
Oh, goddammit
FancyShark
hahahahahaha
We've reached Grievance Hawke!
gellaho
I still don't know why he's explaining this to the toilet-man
But he's explaining everything
Again, I'm skipping it
FancyShark
What a bizarre way to write a book
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Knowing what we know about him, I would not have pegged Hawke as the type to complain about coastal elites.
gellaho
They have to know what an analogy is
That's not a technology
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Perfectly normal to have two people from different universes speak the exact same dialect of English except for approximately 20 plot-relevant keywords.
gellaho
LIIIIPS
gellaho
Oh, we're sticking with Pittsburgh, eh
FancyShark
Does Hawke live there?
gellaho
From what I understand, he's been in Arizona for a while
I know he also lived in New York for a while
But I think he's still in Tucson
FancyShark
huh. He must've just been proud of the joke he made about the name
gellaho
@icy spicy jakesy follows him on Facebook, so he can probably find out
Murder is pretty funny
FancyShark
Weirdly brutal for the tone the jokes have set
gellaho
I've been actually knocking my head on a table
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
It's like a Joss Whedon script but somehow even worse than that sounds.
FancyShark
The famous vaudeville routine "Trying the Audience's Patience"
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
"You already bought the book. What are you gonna do, return it? Haha, no one bothers to return a book."
gellaho
So, I think he's trying to do some kind of social commentary
Maybe
But, he did all of this better in Psychodrome
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
It's just so meandering that I don't care about anything that's happening. I just want the story to start.
gellaho
This is sort of like Steele, where the first book doesn't really have any plot but a lot of setup
Except Steele's setting is way more interesting
FancyShark
And none of the "jokes"
icy spicy jakesy
He lives in North Carolina now
gellaho
ah
Oh, goddammit. I knew I shouldn't have taken my eyes off the book
FancyShark
hahaha
I taste copper
gellaho
Baseball! The most over-metaphored game in existence after chess
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Admitting your book is stupid in the middle of the book doesn't make it less stupid.
Some might argue it does the opposite.
I've decided that reading all the narrator-inserts in the voice of the Superfriends narrator makes it slightly more bearable.
FancyShark
hahaha, that DOES help
gellaho
Well, a toilet is definitely not a utensil
The fuck are you talking about
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
"Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom...a talking shitcan?"
gellaho
I don't think I'd call it an appliance either, but that's closer than utensil
FancyShark
Focus, Simon! For the love of God, FOCUS!
gellaho
Maybe he should have, Simon
That would be a thing that happened
I straight-up do not care about this toilet man
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Okay, almost ready to start the plot. Just have to recap the prologue for a few chapters and we'll be ready to get going...
FancyShark
What a horrible existence. Like, does your body get cleaned when you turn back into a human? Or do you have gallons of shit in your lungs?
gellaho
Shit, he's got Joe Disease
FancyShark
"Do it. I've been a naughty chamberpot."
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
A naughty, immortal chamberpot.
gellaho
Fuck, yes! There's the phrase I've been looking for
@icy spicy jakesy moisten them lips!
LIIIIPS
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Hawke screwed up his punchline at the end. It can't go from "much worse" to "far worse," it should be "worse" to "far worse."
But then again, we're the first people besides him to see this book.
icy spicy jakesy
Yessssss
gellaho
I cannot stress to you how long he's been talking to this toilet man
FancyShark
A sentence I never thought I'd read
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I can only imagine how long it's been for you, because it's been fucking interminable on this side of the screen.
gellaho
I guess there is a dragon now, but it hasn't actually appeared. They are just talking about it being there
Storytelling, ladies and gentlemen
FancyShark
There's two more books in this series. He wouldn't do the same thing as Steele and save all the plot for the later ones, would he?
gellaho
"There's a dragon!"
"Where is it?"
"Up there!"
"How long has it been up there?"
"I don't know!"
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
[ed. note: not bad, but could we try this with several hundred more words?]
gellaho
If this goes by Steele rules, the second book will be horrifying, and the third will be disgusting
And we will miss out on the glorious fourth book
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I was going to say the 4th will be non-canon and somehow written even worse.
FancyShark
I genuinely want to see him go horrifying with this terrible story premise
gellaho
He's had a gun?
FancyShark
WHAT
gellaho
Luckily there are no Victor Milans in this series
or SL Hunters as it were
This is closer to Steele storytelling
which is lengthy descriptions of guns I don't understand
FancyShark
hahahaha
gellaho
not polymer/ceramic battle rifles, but still
FancyShark
Perfectly in keeping with the other descriptions, so only true Hawkeheads will notice
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
How silly we used to be. Thinking Steele was the most ridiculous book we'd ever read.
gellaho
@icy spicy jakesy I think the dragon might be Ice
gellaho
You always remember your first
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I'm just sad I only experienced the original through the archives. I wasn't active on the Discord until book 3 or 4
FancyShark
Okay, Simon. A polite and terrifying dragon is my jam. How are you going to let me down?
gellaho
The dragon somehow knows what a gun is
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Wait, the dragon knows what guns are? This could be interesting. Let's see how he fucks it up....goddammit.
FancyShark
I hope the dragon gives an extended lecture on gun manufacturers
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Smith and Wesson? Sig Sauer or GTFO poser.
gellaho
Rory the dragon
FancyShark
Because dragons roar. I'm very clever and funny. -- Simon Hawke
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
See, I disagree. This is my favorite character so far.
FancyShark
Oh for sure
gellaho
They have to know what a year is
That is such a fundamental concept
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Mostly because it’s the first to be given a character, but whatever.
gellaho
The idea of a year predates written human history. It predates speech
It predates almost everything
FancyShark
The dragon gets bonus points for having the same name as the stuffed animal I had as a kid
gellaho
It's like not knowing what a season or a day is
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I must be reading this differently. I thought he was just confused how the guy is over 100 years old.
gellaho
Ah, the toilet is the father of the evil wizard
FancyShark
This isn't a plot, Simon. This is backstory
gellaho
The leprechaun and the guy who owned the bull didn't seem to understand the concept either
Ugh
FancyShark
Can you dream up a coherent novel?
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Great, now Rory, my new best friend, sucks too.
gellaho
I am so furious
FancyShark
If Rory flambés the entire cast, this will all have been worth it
gellaho
I also won my first Prince painting off of a Mac Tonight joke, so once again my life intersects with Simon Hawke
FancyShark
He is your Other. Your shadow. Your dark reflection.
gellaho
It's far too late for new characters
No matter how much you swoon over them
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
James Earl Jones. I meant James Earl Jones. For some reason I think people's names are copyrighted.
gellaho
Sean MacGregor btw
Another Irish person
FancyShark
"A massive, six-foot two-inch frame"
gellaho
Simon reveals far too much about himself
FancyShark
Hawke would shit himself inside-out if he met you, @gellaho
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
We already met Billy the Blind, who's 7 feet.
And the irony of Gellaho, the closest we have to a MEG, reading about a massive 6'2" is perfect.
gellaho
Kniiiiiiivvvveeesss
gellaho
Seems kind of short, honestly
FancyShark
Maybe...a Swiss Army Knife?
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Famously perfectly balanced for throwing.
gellaho
I'm not proud of this, but this is the second joke I legitimately laughed at
FancyShark
hahaha
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
HA!
That's very good.
See Simon, subtlety is so much better than what you've been doing.
FancyShark
Also take note: they know what acronyms are but not analogies
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Oh man, there are 2 great jokes in that excerpt.
gellaho
Goddammit
FancyShark
sigh
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
:musical_note: Life is like a hurricane...:musical_note:
gellaho
I didn't expect a fucking Disney Duck joke in here
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Look, coming up with names is hard guys
gellaho
God fucking dammit
FancyShark
Brings back the question asked so many times already: who is this book for?
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Ahem...
gellaho
These things don't even go together, I don't get it
FancyShark
We're entering Shakes' realm
Just throwing the first idea that occurs down and calling it good
gellaho
What are we doing
Are we seven years old?
Get your knight jokes out of here
FancyShark
Does he explain how the king stays the king?
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Simon. Simon. We, the audience, know what chess is. You don't have to explain it to us.
FancyShark
Wait, dammit again. That doesn't work because The Wire was mid-90s
gellaho
Simon, have you seen a King?
FancyShark
Simon needs Ritalin
gellaho
No chess piece really resembles what they look like
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
This is so thrilling. But at least maybe I can finally learn what the fuck a rook is.
gellaho
I don't know if you've ever seen a bishop
FancyShark
Yeah. The miter is pope-only
gellaho
that is to say, I don't know why any of this is happening this late in the book
Why this league of assassins is being introduced in the last 10 pages
FancyShark
We're not getting an actual story, are we?
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I literally have no idea how to summarize what we've read.
gellaho
Dragons like stories
gellaho
This is a problem I often have
FancyShark
Great, Simon. KNOW ANY?
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
The handshake bit is pretty good by the low standards this book has set.
gellaho
The dragon is going to look out for the other time machine in exchange for stories
I don't know how they figured that would last until the dragon is tired of stories
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
The longest it could take, logically, is his age.
FancyShark
So Brewster, who has spent his whole life trying to defeat Einstein and build a time machine, is going to have to rely on his storytelling abilities to satisfy the whims of a dragon?
He's so fucking dead
gellaho
You know what, fuck you. You have to read all of this
The Swiss Army Knife will lead to the destruction of this realm
FancyShark
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
That was so bad. Fuck you and thank you @gellaho
FancyShark
Yes, thank you @gellaho
That was a trip
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I do want to point out even Hawke did a piss-poor job summarizing his own book.
gellaho
We have defeated The Reluctant Sorcerer
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
We may have defeated it, but we still lost.
gellaho
That was practically nothing
FancyShark
Fun as hell to riff, though
gellaho
He just decided to stop
I'm going to tell you about this group of assassins and then, done
FancyShark
hahaha
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
"Hit my 200 page quota. Time to tease the next one."
gellaho
That concludes the Book Cage, I guess
FancyShark
Still fun. Pure Hot Dog fodder
gellaho
It certainly reminded me of how I tried to be funny in middle school
FancyShark
Yeah
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Me too. But we all learned, about 3 months after we started doing that bit, it's a good way to make everyone hate you.
Greg
Goddamn it
2 lip lines and one big guy, without chest measurements unfortunately
Not sure that makes up for goddamn Pittsburgh Stealers
gellaho
It's somehow @Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo's fault
