25: Psychodrome 2: The Shapechanger Scenario Simon Hawke

gellaho

As a reminder, this is all being broadcast to billions of people

FancyShark

Which means billions of people now know Higgins' wife's sex life

gellaho

An ambimorph comes to investigate and O'Toole bumbles some more

FancyShark

"Try selling your sandwiches now, asshole"

gellaho

Tyla wanders off. Higgins seems to believe he knows everything about the woman he doesn't live with

and who has 15 other husbands

FancyShark

"You only knew her the one time, you said"

gellaho

Mandago appears in O'Toole's dream to tell us that the ambimorph from the first book can send out psychic signals now

gellaho

And the other teams suck

Considering this team is basically just Breck, that's pretty bad

FancyShark

Yeah, they're doomed

Greg

The only thing those other teams did better than us is suck and die

Greg

Breck is a monster though

Greg

So much of this book is people getting cranky with O'Toole for exploding Ambimorphs

gellaho

Don't tell me I never taught you anything

Greg

Hahahaha

"Paid in the coin of loneliness"

gellaho

That's panis

Greg

I love you Hawke

gellaho

O'Toole is blacking out

FancyShark

He's not wrong. That is the right translation

gellaho

I know, but it looks like penis

FancyShark

This is true

gellaho

Better use that mouth instead of the claws to hunt

The humanoid form is known for it's bite strength rather than dexterous hands

wait

FancyShark

That or the animal got a lucky punch

gellaho

You have been in a school of sharks, bud

FancyShark

There were ninjas. It was rad

gellaho

That is the only way you've felt

I think even when you slept with Stone you felt insecure

icy spicy jakesy

The Irish part of him is intimidated by busty redheads

FancyShark

The relatable everyman feeling is starting to get replaced with the sense O'Toole is a puss

Greg

Fuck! We need to get another $1000 together to get a painting of the zero-G ninja shark battle commissioned

gellaho

Simon Hawke is somehow more self aware than he will be in two years

gellaho

Explorations on masculinity

gellaho

The nomads have arrived

FancyShark

Subtle. They emasculate O'Toole just by the weapons they carry

gellaho

Indeed

Simon Hawke is incredibly comfortable describing a muscular masculine form

As evidenced previously by Ice

FancyShark

I mean, props to Hawke

gellaho

He's literally describing these men as descending from heaven

It's why I can't get too mad about his description of women

it's just him, man

Even so, this is fucking weird

FancyShark

GARR?! Oh shit, this is a Photon book!

Also, yeah. That's weird

gellaho

Lol

FancyShark

hahaha

gellaho

Legally distinct snicked

FancyShark

Get it, O'Toole? You suck

gellaho

One more chapter

And this one

This is where it really gets going

But first: what of civilization?

Greg

Oh shit I hope this is the chapter

gellaho

when you see where this goes, think back to this and ask: why?

FancyShark

uh...

Okay, this feels sarcastic so I'm with you so far, Hawke

gellaho

that paragraph is sacrastic, yes

That does not mean it doesn't get weird

Hope you like irrelevant nonsense

gellaho

gellaho

Hope you like irrelevant nonsense

Greg

I love it

gellaho

It really makes you feel the moment, until he mentions farting

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

What church does he go to that there's "always" someone who rips an earth-shattering fart?

FancyShark

That sounds like a widespread medical issue

There may be cryptosporidium in the water

gellaho

O'Toole has a panic attack, until he gets a sexy dance performance

gellaho

SEXY DANCING FOR ALL

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Ha, bone flutes

FancyShark

If this girl doesn't shapeshift and try to kill him, I'll have lost the thread

gellaho

I said it would accelerate

gellaho

How dare you try to foresee Simon Hawke

FancyShark

Not quite killing, but I'm okay with this

Greg

This could be a curveball and just a normal sexy lady throwing herself at the MC

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

I'm becoming more convinced Hawke wrote this for himself because it was before fanfiction websites existed.

FancyShark

It does have a fanfic air with how much effort is being made to describe sex rituals that don't advance the plot

gellaho

Nah, that's TimeWars

gellaho

Joke's on you

FancyShark

HAHAHAHA

He did it again!

Greg

YES!!!!

gellaho

Just absolutely destroyed by boning

FancyShark

"Gross, Breck. Gross"

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Eww

gellaho

Haha, you were fucked without your consent

FancyShark

hahaha, he...oh god, he was

gellaho

You might not believe this, but there is a plot reason for all of this. Still pretty gross though

FancyShark

Tali also needs to leave on the Normandy

Greg

I love when Hawke takes insane loop-de-loops to get to where he wants in his narrative

And it always involves O'Toole waking up married

FancyShark

Now O'Toole has to work for another mobster to pay for this wife's family to survive

icy spicy jakesy

I can’t wait to read this and catch up for round 2

gellaho

Turns out the nomads are telepathic

FancyShark

So it's still really stupid to think you have any privacy

gellaho

O'Toole getting that sweet husband #15 spot

FancyShark

Emasculated in a new culture!

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Why go the extra step of making the telepath learn English telepathically? Just do the Star Trek thing and say it transcends language. So weird.

FancyShark

I don't get how O'Toole can be so insecure yet be unshaken by how often he gets dunked on

It's kind of impressive

gellaho

So we end Part 1 of our reading with the knowledge that these psychic cat people can detect shapeshifters and completely stop Psychodrome's communications

I wasn't able to get to it this reading, but there is a reason they had to have sex

That's a teaser for next time

FancyShark

lol

right on

Thanks again @gellaho !

gellaho

Another Book Cage adventure complete

Greg

Great night @gellaho

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Thanks @gellaho

gellaho

This week, we once again put on our psy-fi headsets and enter Simon Hawke's PSYCHODROME 2: The Shapechanger Scenario, Part 2. How will Arkady O'Toole deal with his consensual marriage to an alien princess? Will he meet her 15 other husbands? How does any of this help with the galaxy's ambimorph problem? Find out, this Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

@Brockway I need a fix for my pinning addiction, please

icy spicy jakesy

This is also the second time he’s accidentally gotten married in the last two books

He has a problem

gellaho

This one was a little more forced upon him

FancyShark

I'm convinced every illustrator in that time was just moonlighting from their regular job as a courtroom sketch artist

Brockway

How is that the BACK cover?

gellaho

It's too beautiful

FancyShark

If that's Breck on the front cover, that explains why it's the front cover

Hawke is trying so hard not to ditch O'Toole and have Breck be the star

Greg

That arm does look like Nysteel

gellaho

One hour until Psychodrome 2, Part 2

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

I will be checking into my hotel but I may make time for hawke

icy spicy jakesy

We all have time for Hawke in our hearts

FancyShark

Notice O'Toole said Higgins took his job seriously but didn't mention the whole "married one of the natives" thing

gellaho

I imagine he doesn't want to remind himself of his own forced marriage

FancyShark

He can't buy her whole family an apartment this time

gellaho

These alien gals done got two brains

FancyShark

Just like a cat

wait

I don't think Hawke knows how brains work

gellaho

He can really say anything about them alien minds

icy spicy jakesy

Hawke doesn’t know how organic brains work

Cybernetic brains however

gellaho

Meanwhile, the hunks get nothing

gellaho

Gotta be fun for your wife to be able to read your mind

icy spicy jakesy

Lol oh man arkady is going to make her fall in love for reals

FancyShark

"Husband mate" has a certain ring to it

gellaho

"Hey, don't read my mind please"

FancyShark

He had no problem with several billion people being able to hear his thoughts via Internet, but one alien chick

gellaho

Yes, Higgins that is what happened

FancyShark

"You might feel that way. It's perfectly normal and not prosecutable."

gellaho

These alien men can't get erections unless the females let them. Through exotic dancing

FancyShark

I've used that excuse. It doesn't go over well.

icy spicy jakesy

I mean isn’t that how uhhhh regular arousal works

I guess not the telepathic part

gellaho

O'Toole with his famous self confidence

icy spicy jakesy

“It’s very complicated, if she smells good and looks hot, the male gets aroused”

FancyShark

"Fascinating. How alien."

gellaho

Higgins here telling O'Toole that he can't say no because that would be culturally rude

FancyShark

This is why Higgins isn't a grief counselor

GDC

consent is apparently a very anthropocentric concept.

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

"God are you still upset about that whole rape thing? It was almost 12 hours ago, get over yourself."

FancyShark

"My wife fucked me the same way. Don't hear me crying about it."

GDC

"Thanks to the drugs."

icy spicy jakesy

Besides, O’Toole was asking for it, wearing that tight Psychodrome suit

gellaho

"Anyway, she had to rape you in order to stop a mental attack from the shapeshifter from across the galaxy"

icy spicy jakesy

You don’t wear those kind of clothes out unless you want something

gellaho

It is pretty hot

Especially with the giant McPheeters signature

FancyShark

"Oh, and the shapeshifters can now kill with their minds. The whole 'physically attacking you' thing was just a handicap they gave themselves."

gellaho

And the billions of people watching him on Psychodrome

gellaho

It's because Chameleon took control of the biochip it stole from Stone

icy spicy jakesy

I’m glad you pointed this out so I know who to contact for my cover art needs

FancyShark

ohhh

Still a terrible design for a technology sold en masse

gellaho

Neal McPheeters, no idea if he's still alive

Tyla had decided to see if Breck would die, as a fun experiment

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

He is not. I found his obituary.

Apparently he was a very well-respected artist.

FancyShark

Again, Hawke makes it clear he and we want Breck as the star

gellaho

Oh, thousands died anyway. Oops

FancyShark

Probably should have led with that

GDC

This psychodrome thing has more bugs and security flaws than a right wing social media platform

FancyShark

heyooo

GDC

But I guess future technology that doesn't work is kind of a Simon Hawke staple.

FancyShark

I'd love to see the patch notes on it

gellaho

Breck was strong enough to fight. The only thing that could save O'Toole was intense horniness

FancyShark

This reads like the greatest "she meant nothing to me" of all time

Greg

This explanation of what happened last night is like 20% of the book

gellaho

Once you do the sexy dance you have to fuck

What other choice do you have?

icy spicy jakesy

Hahaha

Once she’s wet there’s just nothing you can do

She’s going until she’s done

FancyShark

At a certain point, you're just flying on automatic

gellaho

"To be fair to us, we thought psychic powers were fake."

FancyShark

"Acceptable losses"

gellaho

Lol, O'Toole's willpower is so low he killed way more people

FancyShark

"We're finding whole new ways to tell you you suck, O'Toole"

gellaho

Apparently the entire human race is addicted to Psychodrome

FancyShark

"Still never bothered to patch that genocide-enabling bug"

GDC

But they could still use those satellites for communication without having to play the game, right? That's how satellites work now.

FancyShark

Communication is trojaned to a game

gellaho

Society would completely collapse without Psychodrome, according to Psychodrome

GDC

This would be like if NASA used voice chat in Call Of Duty to communicate with astronauts.

gellaho

Not the book, but the organization in the book

This is a very confusing relationship

which would happen if you were forcibly married to someone to save your life

FancyShark

Is O'Toole mansplaining Tali's culture back to her?

gellaho

I think he's assuming she doesn't know how she'd be treated on Earth, even though she has read his brain

FancyShark

And still can

gellaho

She's refusing to stop the humans through mind control against their will. Even though she has done that

FancyShark

Marriage is complicated

gellaho

He's all in

icy spicy jakesy

The false one haha

gellaho

"I'll fuck you like the weakling you are"

GDC

"It's what they call the ambimorphs. That would have been obvious from the context, if you had been paying attention."

FancyShark

I'm certain Kami doesn't remember it that way

icy spicy jakesy

PREPARE FOR A checks notes OVER THE PANTS HAND-JOB

gellaho

I don't know about that, she was all up in your brain 10 minutes ago

FancyShark

I laughed a little too hard at this

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

She was very polite about invading my mind. Meaning she covered her tracks well.

GDC

"okay, just remember that 'what, already?' is an expression of extreme satisfaction on earth"

FancyShark

They have a high regard for mental privacy, unless they've got the thirst

gellaho

O'Toole's self image is so bad, he thinks he's the problem

"I should really be more understanding after this unwanted sex and marriage to a psychic alien"

icy spicy jakesy

I also can’t stop thinking of Higgins as a military guy in a dress uniform trying to be a hardass

gellaho

as opposed to a space hippie

FancyShark

James T. Kirk vomits in shame at being the same race as O'Toole

icy spicy jakesy

There’s only one solution: Arkady must boldly go down on her, where no man has gone before

gellaho

Hawke revealing a lot about himself here, I think

gellaho

I'm guessing she's unfamiliar with the concept

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Hawke's characters may follow a certain '80s machismo but they are generally stand up guys where sex is on the line

FancyShark

Remember when this was about shapeshifters trying to murder space gladiators?

FancyShark

O'Toole certainly fits the second part of that description

gellaho

I think my favorite part is that the ambimorphs pretended to be the Nomads' gods and they saw through them immediately

But then ignored them and let them twist in the wind

FancyShark

Again, just like cats

GDC

I might have said this last week, but this is one of those books where you can figure out the author's sexual hangups by the habits of the aliens they invent.

gellaho

I forgot Hawke pulled a Hardy Boys

FancyShark

It's a good, punchy way to end the chapter

gellaho

Total Hardy Boys

FancyShark

Dammit, Hawke. Don't go full Dixon

gellaho

Cliffhanger -> immediately resolve

Greg

And there was never really any threat or action by the MC

gellaho

O'Toole doesn't do anything except get pulled around

FancyShark

It's his lack of agency the ladies love

gellaho

Just sleeping during the fight

FancyShark

So Breck is where all the machismo is stored and O'Toole is where the decent-guy-ness is stored

gellaho

O'Toole rightly wonders why nobody warned them about the aliens with a vendetta against humans. He is reprimanded for caring and apologizes

I've rarely seen a protagonist with this little agency who is willing to concede any point

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

I'm so glad he dropped the leprechauns and priests bit, at least.

FancyShark

O'Toole, they let the shapeshifters think they were being worshipped as gods. Ignoring the shifters is their go-to move

gellaho

Hell yeah, nysteel darts

Gimme those Steele bits

FancyShark

I'm still convinced it's Breck, not O'Toole, on the front cover

gellaho

"They respect your mind's privacy. But also, they invade your mind to teach you their language while you sleep"

FancyShark

Hawke saw The 13th Warrior and thought "Fucking amateurs"

gellaho

Just the last person to get any information

Ole "Behind the Eight Ball" O'Toole

FancyShark

At some point, having an audience surrogate gets weird if they're constantly baffled

gellaho

And a total coward

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

We're kidnapping one of their children as a prisoner of war. No, I can't believe we're the good guys either.

FancyShark

For all of O'Toole's claims about being a coward, he doesn't really do anything to show it besides when he shat himself

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Canonical this is the same Higgins.

gellaho

They probably had to deal with it. No, I won't explain how

FancyShark

Anyway, kidnapping

gellaho

"But, they can do that to me"

gellaho

Enjoy this long description of the shapeshifters missing the glaringly obvious

FancyShark

I'm starting to see why humans were able to eat these things for years without knowing they were shapeshifters

gellaho

O'Toole must be a small man

FancyShark

We should be keeping a tally of all the ways O'Toole gets emasculated

GDC

Breck's fit perfectly.

FancyShark

Although "you were such a colossal puss you made several thousand people die as a result" is hard to top

GDC

"the garment also had way more space in the groin than O'Toole had any use for."

gellaho

He's having his 'Nam flashbacks

FancyShark

O'Toole shamefully suppresses a boner

gellaho

Breck was fascinated by me because all I had was fear

FancyShark

I'm just glad O'Toole isn't constantly pining for Breck's approval

gellaho

Plasteel, baby!

There's no word Simon Hawke won't merge with steel

GDC

Plastic steel is a polymer while nylon steel is....not?

FancyShark

Just poke some holes in the lid, O'Toole

gellaho

Time to enter the hivemind

FancyShark

Oh God. They're entering a brookemouth!

gellaho

"Higgins, I want you to understand exactly how scared I am. Exactly how much of a wimp I am"

FancyShark

"Because I'm in love with Breck."

gellaho

I like that O'Toole told Higgins that Higgins would give him the "we aren't so different, you and I speech"

And then he did

FancyShark

Bad move, O'Toole. That's a villain speech

gellaho

Higgins said that. I knew I'd have a hard time articulating that

FancyShark

No, I got that. I just read it as O'Toole was trying to draw this out of him

GDC

Higgins if that is how you think science works I think I figured out why you're exiled to a backwater.

gellaho

A real bromance

FancyShark

Called it

gellaho

MOISTEN

THEM

LIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPSSSSS

FancyShark

"Someday, I will moisten Breck's lips."

gellaho

Just a barrage of ideas

FancyShark

So they didn't shut down the network after several thousand people died? Chameleon isn't spamming them with broadcast signals?

gellaho

they have it "under control" now

FancyShark

ahh

gellaho

I'm not really sure how, but they figured it out after the first attack I guess

FancyShark

Proxy server

GDC

I wish my IT department had that kind of turn around time on ticket closure.

gellaho

"Did you already forget?"