From the sewers of Paris the Dark Ones unleash a *real* Reign of Terror...
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gellaho
Well, once again, everything's coming up France. Wyrdrune and the Wizard crew are venturing to the City of Light where there's kidnapping afoot. The title promises either a murderous orangutan or an Iron Maiden appearance, but I doubt we'll get either. This Friday, 5pm eastern, tune in for the 58th edition of The Book Cage: Simon Hawke's The Wizard of Rue Morgue.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway Pin this, or join the bones of the guillotine's victims
FancyShark
GASP! Might the Dark Ones' army be werewolves?!
FlippantSausage
Im so on board for tanned, redhead titty sorceress.
gellaho
I'm inundated by France
FancyShark
Oh, Flippant, if this is your first Hawke book, you are in for a ride
FlippantSausage
Neat!
high jakesy the conqueror
This is so Hawke it hurts
FancyShark
Check out gellaho's website if you get a chance. The Hawke books are this weird balancing act of horny, rad, and trash
high jakesy the conqueror
There are always big titty redheads
FancyShark
Except the Reluctant Sorcerer series. That was just trash with an amazing conclusion
gellaho
Gracias
gellaho
Yeah, I have no idea who that is. I guess we'll find out
Game Dweeb Thrillho
Looks like Sindel before her hair went gray
FancyShark
I wonder if we'll get the series heroes or some other people as the real protagonists?
gellaho
History suggests the latter
gellaho
Coming up on the hour, it's Simon Hawke's The Wizard of Rue Morgue. Here's the magical preview
FlippantSausage
Already promising. Naming your Dark One Pascal is one step above "Mervin, Lord of the Underworld and King of Hell's Legions"
gellaho
Time to begin
gellaho
We begin in sewage
FancyShark
As all Parisian trips do
gellaho
Magic sewage treatment
FlippantSausage
Oooh a Les Mis reference, classy.
Magic sewage and a "kids these days don't know Les Mis"!
Brendanonymous
Wizards shit their robes and magic it away, confirmed, JK.
gellaho
It's taking everything Simon has to not say "tatterdemalion"
FancyShark
It's post apocalyptic, but random cultural references are well known
When the real magic came, who cried for the stage magicians, illusionists, and mind freaks?
FancyShark
The homeless guy is still French, so he's a total snob about the garbage quality
FlippantSausage
"Zeez baguettes are stale! LOW QUALITY! BAH!"
Brendanonymous
What series was it where magic being real made stage magic so much more amazing? Because it was like watching somebody do the same stuff without the crutch.
FancyShark
"Aye wood not peez in zees pees"
That's this one, I think
Brendanonymous
I know zatanna works classical onstage, generally.
FancyShark
We joked about it, iirc
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Jacque's only options were eating fire and eating garbage.
gellaho
Simon really wants you to know just how shitty it is for Jacques
FancyShark
Hi, @Shark Puke Fetishist GDC !
LyraV 42Dukes
Hiding in the niches. As one does.
FlippantSausage
Scrofula AND Tuberculosis! The two most Old French Diseases.
Because Syphilis would be breaking immersion.
FancyShark
Jacques, the octogenarian Parisian acrobat hobo
gellaho
Jacques is drawn to the most spooky and ancient sewage
FancyShark
"Sure. I have no questions."
gellaho
Triple check the redhead box
FancyShark
Ohhh, these people. The same ones from the end of the last book
FlippantSausage
Yeah because the first person youd ask to do anything is a smelly old French dude who lives in the sewers.
gellaho
Don't be afraid of the seizure I'm about to give you, old man
LyraV 42Dukes
So this is what it's like when I steal peoples souls with my hair? I've always wondered.
FancyShark
Boogie Fever. Stage 4
gellaho
Well, in the last book it was a brother and sister dark one. The girl one turned into a dragon and got stabbed to death
FlippantSausage
This is the part where they slip him a combo of PCP and toad venom and beat the shit out of him while taking turns fucking each other, right?
Otherwise this is the worst Eyes Wide Shut party ever.
FancyShark
Options are limited in a sewer
gellaho
Yeah, nothing at all to be afraid of here
FlippantSausage
Yeah just your standard brain melting.
Normal shit in Wizard Paris.
FancyShark
At least he's led a full life
LyraV 42Dukes
Yeah standard redhead stuff, that's how we manufacture freckles.
gellaho
The young and sexy spell is the most dangerous of the dark magics
FlippantSausage
"And the filthy old hobo's cock grew three sizes that day."
FancyShark
Peoples' jaws go bad as they age?
FlippantSausage
They do when you have bad enough scrofula.
FancyShark
I like that youth means he's been working out
gellaho
I don't know how he's going to deal with these hormones
FancyShark
A desperate longing for the devil woman in the sewer
FlippantSausage
HAH! Now the Eyes Wide Shut stuff!
gellaho
See, get too horny and the ladies will breath red-hot steam down your throat
FlippantSausage
That's just how it goes when you fuck a turtle dragon.
Basic Monster Manual shit right there.
gellaho
The change is really continuing at this point
FlippantSausage
He breaks out in acne and starts feeling put upon.
LyraV 42Dukes
The other other change.
FlippantSausage
Wizard Mom and Dad just don't understand reverse puberty.
Wiry hair going back into the ass.
gellaho
Angry French artist? Now I've heard everything
FancyShark
He's yelling at a bowl of fruit
gellaho
Horny Hawke is with us tonight
FlippantSausage
A bowl of fruit name Joelle.
A whiny bowl of fruit.
Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie
But Max, I'm le tired.
FlippantSausage
That he's fucking.
Because thats how nasty Wizard Paris is.
FancyShark
Or she's just an alcoholic
FlippantSausage
You turn bowls of fruit into sapient human women and fuck them.
Also: Paint me like one of your French girls.
Brendanonymous
Inconsiderate dick yells at his freelancer instead of trying to have sex with her.
If she had known sex wasn't on the table she never would have taken this job!
FancyShark
I'm pretty sure that's not what a black velvet painting is supposed to be
FlippantSausage
Like how the narrator calls Joelle out for being a lazy bitch too as "the pose is not difficult to hold", like tell me you are divorced without saying so.
gellaho
She's le horny
FlippantSausage
Like a real artist cares about age, this is France.
Wizard France!
They have a song IN REAL LIFE about fucking your daughter. By a guy and his daughter.
My immersion is dangerously close to being punctured here.
gellaho
"Why does everyone want to have sex with me?"
Brendanonymous
We appear to have a misunderstanding. You are treating me like a professional model. I came here to get lit and clean your brushes.
FancyShark
She better turn into a werewolf soon or I'm going to think Simon forgot his plot
FlippantSausage
He needs to be more polite, because he seems really really impatient with this woman who wants to fuck him.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Start typing with both hands again, Simon.
FancyShark
"Do you think I'm beautiful?" asks the lady whose job is to be beautiful
gellaho
"Why do people want to buy my nude paintings so much?"
FlippantSausage
"Yes goddammit, now shut your French snail hole and let me PAINT, Woman.
Ohhhhh.......okay..........its emphasizing how manly this guy is........I get it.
LyraV 42Dukes
Ugh he did not drag Dali into this ego trip.
gellaho
The rare reverse failed painter
FancyShark
The Legend of the Italian Jew doesn't play very well in some parts of Europe
FlippantSausage
Only Alejandro Jodorowsky is allowed to do that!
Brendanonymous
Ah yes, famous French painters Pablo Picasso and Salvador Dali
Brendanonymous
Columbus isn't very popular here either.
FlippantSausage
Also who fails at Wizard school and decides "Well art is easy. Ill do that."
FancyShark
A sob story works better if the fallback job isn't "world famous artist"
Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie
Well it's the wizard to fascist pipeline. You fall wizardry, become an artist, fail that become a dictator. Very tragic.
FlippantSausage
I feel like if Hitler had the ability to paint nude women so good they all wanted to fuck him, we wouldn't have that trope.
Brendanonymous
20-year-olds threw themselves at him. Men fought him for the honor of hearing their names cursed colorfully in his victory roar. His nudes were incandescent in the salons. He could house a box of wine. But goddammit, he would die a failure, knowing he could never make doves appear with a clap.
gellaho
Max muses on the nude that got away
FlippantSausage
Oh hes out for that cougar pussy, okay.
The Most Dangerous Dick Game.
FancyShark
I'm assuming he's thinking about the French cougar that was in the past books
Brendanonymous
Sounds like Annie Lenox is still out here being cool as fuck.
gellaho
Jacqueline, the magic thief who hangs out with a 300 lbs fairy
FancyShark
Hey, I was right!
FlippantSausage
Oooh she hangs out with Wizard Laurence Fishburne!
Brendanonymous
Maybe Max is Cypher's new ID
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I'm actually kind of surprised magic hasn't made sexy painters as obsolete as fire eaters.
LyraV 42Dukes
'You can call me JMLdCM for short'
FancyShark
Every organization has Thaumaturgy in its name because no one wants another "Industrial Light and Magic" lawsuit
gellaho
Oopsie. The model he sent home got murdered
FancyShark
Whoopsie
If only he'd had sex with her instead of doing his job
gellaho
Well, that doesn't look great
FlippantSausage
Oh nooooooo how could they murder that poor bowl of fruit-I mean girl!
Also how bad of a temper do you have to be for being suspected of murdering someone so they STOP wanting to fuck you?
FancyShark
"Wouldn't you rather have sex with me?"
"Lady, I'm trying to murder you. You're making this weird."
Brendanonymous
I think the cops suspect he hit on her and got mad when she turned him down.
gellaho
Of course he was
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Honestly the truth isn't very believable
FlippantSausage
THey know about his temper but not how Joelle is horny.
FancyShark
She was new!
Brendanonymous
Giacomo Siegal
FancyShark
Reputations take time
FlippantSausage
"Hon hon hon, zees croissant is excellent wit mah coffee! I shall deep it!"
gellaho
Keep it in your pants, Inspector
FancyShark
"The constabularie eez all up my ass about theez!"
goddammit, Hawke. Always with the "she had the figure of a woman in her twenties"
LyraV 42Dukes
A body like Arnold with a Denzel face.
FancyShark
Literally every time he's introduced her in these books, we get that line
FlippantSausage
"Legal enough so that pumping her full of box wine is only ONE crime."
gellaho
So, the painter dude became friends with the lady after she just showed up in his apartment and asked him to paint her face. That's why she's here
FancyShark
As all women do
Brendanonymous
Sure, what 40-something woman doesn't dream of being able to secure a spot in a nightclub chorus?
FancyShark
I want to know if Simon is aware that women past 29 can still exercise and stay in shape?
FlippantSausage
"Oh, he's NOT a killer, you say?"
"Well did we fuck up."
"If only we had known."
LyraV 42Dukes
HIs descriptions are so weirdly polite for a pervert.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Too bad they already guillotined him.
Brendanonymous
I often approach a lone female at the social imbibement zone and say, "My dear..." pause for eye contact and a slow, wry smile, "Although you are past optimal birthing age and would likely produce progeny with Down's syndrome, you have the figure of a much more desirable woman...would you care to model for me....IN NAKED?"
FancyShark
Well, I know I'm turned on
gellaho
"Mademoiselle, we are not in ze habit of telling people the lack of evidenze zat we have, but"
FancyShark
The print was damaged. Therefore, murder
Brendanonymous
All I'm hearing is "She went to work for a dick boss and then turned up dead after hours."
That's why I try to never be the last person to see anyone alive. I'm like, "Look over there! It's Santa!" and then dive into the bushes.
gellaho
"Our evidence is that he failed out of magic school"
Brendanonymous
So they can't text their friends. "Date with Brendan went well, not coming home yet."
FlippantSausage
This is why you paint nude women with a CCTV
FancyShark
So the Italian Jew from Brooklyn is suspected because he coulda been a contender?
FlippantSausage
The Vice Presidential Method
Brendanonymous
I just hide cameras in the toilet so it proves they were alive after they finished sitting for me.
FlippantSausage
I love how this random wizard secret agent is finding all sorts of holes in this case, where the dudes lawyer presumably couldn't.
gellaho
"These are probably things you should have heard about. There was a black sabbath ritual in Cinderella's Castle in Disneyland"
gellaho
"I'm not sure how you didn't hear about that"
LyraV 42Dukes
Sure. That's why.
FancyShark
Inspector Blood, continuing being the spin-off character we want but never get
FlippantSausage
Ran into IP disputes with DC comics.
gellaho
Billy Slade, Cockney Punk and part-time Merlin, is having Merlin nightmares
gellaho
Thirty pages before main characters if you were wondering
FancyShark
Just our heroes, staring at a child sleeping
FlippantSausage
None of those people qualified as main characters? Cool,.
FancyShark
And Hawke isn't trying with the cockney transcribing
FancyShark
Hawke doesn't seem to get that he can have stories in the same universe without the characters from the first book
Also, Billy is Merlin's last living descendant, so Merlin's soul lives in his body since Merlin's body was destroyed
gellaho
The nightmares are a result of Billy receiving Gorlois's ring after Thanatos died. So now he has multiple old people in his head
FancyShark
Oh right. And a badass eldritch defense attorney from LA is in his head now too
FlippantSausage
"There's too many colors! Turn down that music!" is his mental landscape now.
gellaho
Family is hard
FlippantSausage
Poor lad, its getting crowded in there.
Oh my god he must have given up jerking off.
FancyShark
You'd think so, but Hawke may have other ideas
gellaho
Spoke too soon
FancyShark
There's the Hawke work ethic I know!
FlippantSausage
Like he noticed some missing apostrophes and had to fill his quota or he doesn't get his extra Yoshi coin at the end of the level.
FancyShark
Hawke will go into impressive detail about things that don't matter. I think in this series, he's funneling that energy into the accents
FlippantSausage
He needs to go full Yangus and tell someone porkies, and make them brown bread.
gellaho
Skipping over several pages of recap, onto France
FancyShark
I keep forgetting about the Yiddish broom
FlippantSausage
If this doesn't involve a magic throat slitting orangutan at some point I will riot.
You are invoking Chekhovs ape with all that Rue Morgue talk.
gellaho
Meanwhile, Suzanne Muset (sister of the deceased) is dealing with finding her sister's dead body
FlippantSausage
Also what rue, that word just means street!
Aw poor Gabby, thats the last thing you want when you show for the menage a trois.
gellaho
Bold move, Max
FancyShark
crap, I need to run off. Work issue. Have a fun night, everybody!
FlippantSausage
Ooof Max is just really bad at looking like Not A Murderer.
I see where all that talent for wizard shit went.
Because that has to be a supernatural feat.
gellaho
Well, that was a good use of time
FlippantSausage
Ooooof, did Max cold cock Stefan? Now he's going back to jail.
Neo will have to break him out.
gellaho
Meanwhile, our heroes watch the movie made during the last book
FlippantSausage
You'd think an in flight movie would just be like a full Holodeck\mind palace thing in a magical universe.
gellaho
Modred enjoys a fictional version of his conception
FlippantSausage
okay but fuck you for saying "lesbian stormtrooper" like that isn't cool.
Captain Phasma is a gay icon, according to at least one of my friends.
A Wombat
His mother had something like 10 kids, so I'm pretty sure he's entitled to think it's a weird bit.
FlippantSausage
It's troubling for young men to realize their mom likes dick, but he's had a thousand years to get over it.
gellaho
Max is just having one of those days
FlippantSausage
Shit, I'm almost convinced he is the murderer.
A Wombat
This version of Mordred is rather saner than usual, so maybe he's sublimated his rage and hatred into homophobia.
And this is just that occasionally popping to the surface.
FlippantSausage
I like how the super secret squirrel agent Jaqueline has yet to posit that maybe someone is framing Max and is following him and doing murders.
A Wombat
But if she did that we wouldn't have a plot.
gellaho
Jacques is learning that leaving the sewers isn't all it's cracked up to be
gellaho
A Wombat
On the other hand, not sewers.
LyraV 42Dukes
Suddenly Garth Marenghi is ghost writing.
gellaho
He's got the murder boner
FlippantSausage
Jaques never suspected that the mysterious cloaked horny sewer wizards might be bad people!
"Not a fraction of what I'm going to do" is code.
It means a cheeky finger up his butt.
A Wombat
Jacques is not very bright.
FlippantSausage
I guess they didn't de-age his brain.
A Wombat
I think we should congratulate him on being able to tie his shoelaces and climb stairs.
FlippantSausage
Poor bastard, all he thought he was going to get was pegged by a hot lady in a sewer. Instead its murder.
gellaho
A leader of a small gang meets the Dark Ones and gets turned in to a werewolf
FlippantSausage
Actually fairly rad.
gellaho
While Michel kills his gang, the dark ones absorb the life force weirdly
FlippantSausage
Their plan is to make their breasts bigger?
A Wombat
Look, it beats silicone.
FlippantSausage
I figured magic would do that without stealing life force but whatever.
I didnt graduate from Wizard school.
Then again maybe neither did they?
gellaho
Wyrdrune and Kira have a great relationship
gellaho
They are ancient evil beings from beyond recorded history, so probably not
A Wombat
See, that's the problem. They didn't think about the really important things, like making breasts bigger.
gellaho
They are also the two dude ones, so it seems like a weird way to go
The lady one is busy making out with the old/young man
FlippantSausage
Sometimes when you are an ageless evil, you decide you want a pair of righteous knockers.
And not having a PHD in Wizard means you don't know all the modern techniques for it.
A Wombat
Isn't Gorlois an ancient evil from beyond recorded history?
gellaho
Magic runestones make investigation very easy
FlippantSausage
"No, shut up, its not like in those Batman games!"
A Wombat
That shouldn't stand up in court.
I demand at least one more magical stone to confirm it.
FlippantSausage
Yeah I feel like testimony from a spirit of a dead Arthurian is inadmissable.
gellaho
Shut-in writer Stefan Rienzi moistens his lips
A Wombat
Do they explain why this version of Mordred isn't a cackling villain who schemes to murder half of the good guys, then triggers two wars to kill the remainder? I missed that book.
gellaho
Are you asking if his character might have changed over a thousand years?
FlippantSausage
Moistly moistens his moist lips.
"Are you cops?" "It's complicated" is the last exchange so many people hear.
A Wombat
All I'm saying is I'd want more than his sayso if I was going to bring him into court on matters of crimes.
Trust, but verify.
gellaho
I guess there are a couple of things. This isn't really an official investigation, they did break in
FlippantSausage
It seems more like they are gonna black bag him and dump his body in a sewer anyway, the way this conversation is going already.
high jakesy the conqueror
Terrible fake Italian names: a Hawke tradition like no other
FlippantSausage
Alfredo Ricotta.
A Wombat
But fair enough. It's not an important point, just one I consistently find interesting in these books.
gellaho
This is also the fourth book, so I think they can trust him by this point. He had become an international assassin, but then he met up with his mom again, and got a magic stone embedded in his chest, fought an ancient evil. Then his mom died. Then he met his mother's lover, Thanatos. Then Thanatos died. He's been through a lot
A Wombat
I let Holly get away with being bored of craziness after ten million years, I can let Mordred decide he's not evil after a thousand.
That's fair.
gellaho
Rienzi gets the jedi treatment
LyraV 42Dukes
I'm sure more blank spaces in his memory will help absolve him of those violent murders.
high jakesy the conqueror
"Where we're you today"
"Im-a eating da gabagool"
FlippantSausage
"Never seen who?"
gellaho
Take that, book learnin' boy
gellaho
They send Wyrdrune's sentient broom on a guided tour
LyraV 42Dukes
Inherited from the Old One Alec Guinness.
FlippantSausage
What a confusing day to be a tour guide.
Cos I assume sapient brooms aren't a commonplace thing from his reaction.
Maybe in five minutes a trunk with legs eats him tho.
gellaho
They go to a night club which turns into a magic show? Doesn't seem like the dance crowd would be into that, but sure
gellaho
Wyrdrune is not impressed by the gifts of the Dark Ones
A Wombat
Alec Guinness could tell me to do anything he wants and I'd do it.
FlippantSausage
I can feel the author straining to not call the club "Danse Macabre"
gellaho
high jakesy the conqueror
Lol
FlippantSausage
Lmao he succumbed.
gellaho
You don't say, Kira
gellaho
Pascal's performance is a little too good
FlippantSausage
Pffft the LIBERAL WIZARD THOUGHT POLICE making sure you don't suddenly become rad at magic.
A Wombat
In fairness, becoming rad at magic all of a sudden feels like a thing they'd want to know about.
FlippantSausage
"Oh do you have a license for that wand?"
A Wombat
Considering that has been the direct cause of at least 4 near apocalypses.
FlippantSausage
Chalk it up to me coming from a country where it is legal to own a flamethrower.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I'd forgotten how much Hawke likes his big bureaucracies about weird shit.
gellaho
Jacqueline sneaks backstage to meet with Jacques as he's putting on his Joker outfit
FlippantSausage
Oooof I do not like the Hugh Hefner\Joker vibe a purple robe gives you.
gellaho
Turns out the change from earlier was also a werewolfing
A Wombat
Jacques and Jacqueline in one page. I bet that gave Hawke no trouble at all.
FlippantSausage
I guess she doesn't load her pistol with general purpose special ammo then huh? Cos I bet she isn't gonna bring down shit with it.
A Wombat
You don't need to magically wound a werewolf if you put a hole in the werewolf big enough to drive through!
FlippantSausage
You'd think thered be like a silver tipped, mercury cored thing to go with.
gellaho
Ah, Jacques' home territory
FlippantSausage
Lol like rats are the worst part of a sewer.
If you set foot in Paris you are never more than five feet from more rats than you've had hot meals.
It's rats all the way down.
A Wombat
If you set foot in the Paris catacombs you are never more than three feet away from a corpse, I was told.
FlippantSausage
Undoubtedly.
Side note, the catacombs of Paris are really neat and spooky.
gellaho
Jacqueline and Billy are captured before they can get in the sewer with everyone else. They meet some very flamboyant characters from the ITC
gellaho
@high jakesy the conqueror We get a very different Raven here. Hawke had that name in the brain in 1990
FlippantSausage
We all did.
It was T-Minus 1 year til Raven CS Mcracken released World of Synnibarr and we were all feeling the psychic preshock.
gellaho
Turns out Raveb/Kimberly is another old student of Merlin
LyraV 42Dukes
I guessed it from your fakename.
FlippantSausage
God, Kimberly is such a lame truename. Its like she has the soul of a 1995 girl from the Valley
Brendanonymous
BOOO turning in outlines. I missed all of this and now I'm meeting family for dinner.
gellaho
1990 was the high watermark for Hawke's lip moistening
FlippantSausage
"I COMMAND THEE KIMBERLY! BY THE POWER OF YOUR TRUENAME! GO TO PROM WITH ME!"
Brendanonymous
Oh well, at least I made it as far as Neo-Edwardian Bebe Neuwirth.
gellaho
I think you mean Rubenesque Raven
FlippantSausage
Im pictureing Agent Piccard as Patrick Stewart, as well.
gellaho
France has weird legal rules for the requests of ancient wizards
FlippantSausage
"Max Siegal looks sooo guilty thooo!"
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
"Release my friend from yon drunkard tank!" "Why would we do that?" "I am" eyebrow wiggle "A WIZARD!" "Oh shit, sorry, sir. Right away."
gellaho
This is why you should stay in wizard school, kids
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Britain and America run on common law, France runs on magic law
A Wombat
Magic law: Magic does what it wants.
FlippantSausage
This is the wizard equivalent of prematurely ejaculating and hitting someone in the eye. Disappointing and irresponsible.
gellaho
Wyrdrune is a great and noble hero
FlippantSausage
Okay but lets be fair, Kira be nasty, there's poo in that water.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
We seek adventure! Unless it's yucky then save yourself, asshole.
gellaho
The protagonists of these books have been featured so little in the past two books. I'm not even sure if these two are still an item
FlippantSausage
She is going to get a UTI and then we will see who is laughing.
Also neither of them knows Tenser's Floating Disk.
gellaho
Wyrdrune got really pissy after he found out that the magic of Disneyland wasn't real
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
"A little dirty water isn't going to kill your." I mean, it could. Are wizards immune to dysentery? Cholera? The literal plague?
A Wombat
Yes. No. Depends on which variant.
FlippantSausage
He's got a point while bitching about the lights.
gellaho
Wyrdrune falls deep in the shit water and encounters the rat king
FlippantSausage
HAH THIS IS THE REAL DARK SOULS NOW!
Wyrdrune didn't wanna go down to Blight Town.
A Wombat
And thus did Wyrdrune and Modred get eaten by a rat king.
Modred, being effectively a god at this point, was only mildly inconvenienced.
Wydrune went to live in Billy's head.
gellaho
The battle doesn't go well for the giant rat
gellaho
A Wombat
Or, you know, that happens.
In fairness to the giant rat it was expecting to encounter level 1 wizards.
2 at the outside.
It seems kind of rude to face a giant rat when you're... whatever they are. Casting 9th level spells?
FlippantSausage
Great Glintstone Shard?
Or one of those bonkers 5e cantrips that never stops scaling until you roll ALL the d10s
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
I'm always amazed how these books make magic sound really dorky and unimpressive. "They killed a rat king! With sparkler fingers."
gellaho
Well, at least you had one last show.
FlippantSausage
Oh there's your trouble my dude. Your blood belongs on the inside.
A Wombat
Honestly it feels like just throwing magic at things and not even bothering to cast a spell is more effective in these books than actual spells should be.
It's like he played Magicka 30 years before it came out.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
It's all sith lightning fingers
A Wombat
Guy, I don't know, I think maybe you should have not let them steal your blood.
FlippantSausage
Maybe try not bleeding to death in a sewer pining for the eldritch horror in a woman suit who pegged you?
A Wombat
I bet he didn't even think of that.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
When you get pegged by a god, there's really no other way this ends
FlippantSausage
Got that boomer brain.
nenos
What glorious book is this?
FlippantSausage
The Wizard of Rue Morgue.
Simon Hawke.
Its a real gem
nenos
Resaerch must be done! Been years since I read a new book that wasnt about… like building things
i thank you!
gellaho
Colette, exotic dancer, meets with Leila (dark one) and Michel (werewolf)
A Wombat
It's nice to see werewolves be positively represented.
FlippantSausage
Stop me if you've heard this one, A werewolf, a dark one, and an exotic dancer walk into a sewer......
beb.
gellaho
And all of a sudden, I'm back in the last Hardy Boys book
FlippantSausage
The fuck is it with fantasy authors and pickpockets?
A Wombat
This is a horrible stereotype of Parisian street children despite the fact that it is in fact entirely true.
nenos
A bit of male gaze here I feel
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
specifically french pickpockets
FlippantSausage
Did they all at some point visit a city and forget to keep their money in their sock like Mom said.
A Wombat
look, if you're going to wander the Parisian streets and leave your money in an easy to get space and look like a tourist, you're going to have it stolen by street children.
That's just Paris.
nenos
At least it was her eyes that were gorgeous npt her tits
gellaho
A bit?
FlippantSausage
Everyone knows if you want to keep away pickpockets, you put jelly on a wallet that contains no money.
A Wombat
So... uhh... I know it's a common phrase, but... has anyone really wanted a woman that could break in half when you poke her?
FlippantSausage
Jesus. "Face of an angel and the body of a harlot"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This is hornier than a Sunday Chickweed.
nenos
Yeah I mean I might've done a subtle understatement there
A Wombat
Really? I tried chasing the street urchins down while shouting give me back my money and waving a knife.
I should have tried that.
Also, it turned out they didn't steal my wallet at all!
FlippantSausage
Yeah the downside to that strat is the little shits run really fast.
And you run out of knives if you start throwing them.
And customs frowns on shuriken.
LyraV 42Dukes
Yet her nipples were slightly downturned so it looked like her chest was blinking.
gellaho
Meanwhile, the dark ones start child-wrangling
gellaho
A Wombat
What.
A Wombat
What you should want is the face of a harlot and the body of an angel.
FlippantSausage
Man, Fagan really stepped up his game when he became Lord of Shadow.
A Wombat
A Wombat
So hot.
nenos
That would be the face of an angel then
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Shit, those kids got cenobited.
nenos
I mean my karate might be weak but O feel the nody of a harlot doesnt do much to mitogate that
No matter how big the breasts/dick is/are
FlippantSausage
Maybe he meant rickety and with ribs showing.
gellaho
Modred compares acquiring necromancic power with investing
FlippantSausage
"And that is why we should invest in Dogecoin For Wizards."
A Wombat
@CEO of God J So, Simon Hawke stole your character idea a few years before you were born.
nenos
Wow
FlippantSausage
"And yes, DogeWizCoin is different."
nenos
That really turned fantasy into work didnt it
A Wombat
I know I'm convinced to become a necromancer.
FlippantSausage
Necrostonks!
nenos
Whats the benefits in seeking employment as a nevromancer
Is there dental?
FlippantSausage
Yes, because you get all the teeth you want.
nenos
Indeed!
gellaho
I wonder where the necromancers could be hiding
FlippantSausage
"The Catacombs! That Paris famously has!" "The Catawhatnow?!"
nenos
This writer must get hard for multi-syllabic words!
FlippantSausage
Guys, I havent read much of these books, but I'm getting the idea that maybe Wyrdrune is not quite bright?
A Wombat
Did he just copy a section of the encyclopedia into his book?
FlippantSausage
Like is he a wheel idiot but for magic? But also not good at magic?
A Wombat
Guys, I think I want the necromancers to kill Piccard?
.
Kill him and eat him?
nenos
He should learn swedish or german, we have syllables for days
nenos
I think the writer is a word idiot maybe
Like he knows only syllabus
gellaho
He got expelled from wizard Harvard for burning down a concert on accident
A Wombat
He claimed it was an accident, and on later determination it turned out that yes, it was an accident, he's just that dumb.
FlippantSausage
Shit hes like a character from Revenge Of the Nerds: Hogwarts Style.
gellaho
So, Jacques gets burned through his eyes several times to become part of the Dark Ones plans. Colette strip dances for Leila then has a threesome with werewolf boy
gellaho
Doesn't really seem fair
FlippantSausage
Hot.
And to be fair, if I was going to reforge someones flesh with my dark power, I'd melt the old shit smelling guy and fuck the dancer too.
A Wombat
Hey, just because you're evil doesn't mean you need to be a bigot.
Go and sit in the corner and think about why what you said was wrong.
nenos
No you can hate everyone
Thats not racist
FlippantSausage
At least give him a chance to shower and not do it in a literal sewer.
CEO of God J
That bastard
FlippantSausage
Like if the old man was then like "NO! SHOWERS ARE HOW THE FBI TRACKS YOU AND STEALS YOUR THOUGHTSEMEN!" then I'd melt him.
gellaho
Meanwhile, Max swears off nudes
FlippantSausage
I love that he learned entirely the wrong lesson.
Not "Maybe paint with more than one person around so you have an alibi" but "Nude women are nothing but trouble."
nenos
I feel this writer may have done slightly less research than necessary
A Wombat
Simon Hawke doesn't do research.
He just lets the mind fairies fill his brain with thoughts.
nenos
I mean maybe to@ of finland would have that issue but most artists wouldnt
A Wombat
Also, apparently he's a Russian guy who changed his last name to Hawke for real.
FlippantSausage
"Ze galleries, zey want your nudes!" said no one, ever.
nenos
Unless they were showing exclusively tom of finland
Trust me on this
A Wombat
I dunno, a lot of Parisian galleries show nudes.
FlippantSausage
Aside from that.
A Wombat
What they don't want are impressionist nudes, I'd think.
I'm not even sure what that would look like.
FlippantSausage
An impressionist nude would be interesting.
A Wombat
Google is telling me that I can't possibly mean what I'm saying.
gellaho
I'm glad you guys are worrying about the realism of this book about wizards in the future
nenos
Well the characters are still technically supposed to be humans right?
gellaho
For the catacomb adventure, the Dr Makepeace (giant fairy) shows up for no reason
FlippantSausage
If Star Trek taught me anything its that fiction is real.
And carpetbag? In the future?
I think not.
A Wombat
I don't think it's particularly well written and I kind of want to chase the characters through a forest late at night and devour their flesh despite not being a werewolf, so all I really have is criticizing the plausibility of the things that aren't the writing and the characters.
FlippantSausage
My grandma wouldn't be caught dead with a carpetbag, and she is dead.
A Wombat
Oh, hey, they brought in Sebastian Makepeace.
nenos
The adjectives and adverbs makes reading this hard
A Wombat
He is a fairy in both senses of the word.
I can only vouch for one of them, but I am 100% certain of the other.
nenos
He must have been payed by the word
FlippantSausage
Oh that is why he dresses like a Jojo character then.
gellaho
Fairies have super scent powers
LyraV 42Dukes
Still a few more hours to absorb another being.
A Wombat
What? No, don't be homophobic. He dresses like that because he's a moron.
And a prat.
FlippantSausage
Oh I was talking about the other kind of fairy.
The explicitly magic kind.
A Wombat
That does not help, no.
He was introduced to us, I think, by tricking a very drunk man in the only way you could make that man's life worse.
gellaho
RIP Piccard
nenos
Lambent?
FlippantSausage
"AIEE MADEMOISELLE LE LOUP! YOUR TEETH 'AR ZO SHARP!"
nenos
"Argh my throat!"
A Wombat
Oh, good.
That is exactly what I wanted. I rarely get that.
FlippantSausage
"Now I will never get to fulfill my dream of opening an erotic bakery!"
gellaho
So, Suzanne was kidnapped. Max and Co. decided to follow Colette because she said she knew Suzanne. This leads to an obvious trap
FlippantSausage
Max......my dude.
You were juuuuuust about clear of this.
LyraV 42Dukes
Just indiscriminate prostitutes, no further questions.
gellaho
Mind controlled, murderous street urchins have descended upon the city
FlippantSausage
Cool.
A Wombat
Welp.
Evil wins!
FlippantSausage
Not fucked up at all, having mobs of demented bestial orphans cause chaos and bloodshed.
A Wombat
Hurray for evil!
gellaho
Up though the sewers come the pickpockets
FlippantSausage
Huh......Parisian police aren't usually armd.
I smell a conspiracy!
Which would make this plot slightly more interesting!
So its probably not a thing!
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Let your imagination soar! This is a land of magic and armed French law enforcement!
gellaho
So, this takes place in a future where there was a post-apocalypse. The world was restored after Merlin brought magic back to the world
Let's not apply present French policing to this
A Wombat
I mean, in the context of everything else in the world, the police being armed in Paris is not unusual.
FlippantSausage
Fine but only grudgingly.
A Wombat
But there are armed units in the Parisian police district today anyway.
What annoys me is that it's post-apocalyptic but Merlin did his level best to make everything look like it had before the apocalypse, just with magic.
At which point why have the apocalypse?
FlippantSausage
Armed police seem kind of pointless if magic is common enough to displace stage magicians.
A Wombat
I mean, a gun will still kill you and you don't need magic to use it.
Very few wizards have the power or flexibility to stop a gun from killing them.
gellaho
Oops, Max done got werewolf'd
A Wombat
See? Even Modred has a gun. Guns are useful.
FlippantSausage
Whats the point of magic if you can't at least telekinetically block a slide or cause a misfire?
A Wombat
I mean, you probably could, if you're fast enough.
And precise enough.
FlippantSausage
This magic post apocalypse is lame.
A Wombat
Guns are fairly well designed these days to not do either of those things, and that's not technology that's dependent on a whole lot of material sciences. The apocalypse didn't make people stupid, just sort of knocked them around a bit.
So you'
gellaho
Billy/Merlin enters their knight transformation from
A Wombat
So you would need to know someone is pointing a gun at you and block the slide or misfire the gun in that moment... while all the other guns pointed at you are firing.
LyraV 42Dukes
I was not expecting this book to have so many werewolves.
A Wombat
Guns are very good at killing people.
A Wombat
I'm going to ignore your racism.
gellaho
The Dark Ones primary move is to werewolf people
A Wombat
Look, it works.
gellaho
That didn't happen in the first book, but it's become a thing
I guess the Dark Ones were released at the end of the first book, so that makes sense
A Wombat
Look, I'm not a werewolf, but it's hard to imagine a situation where werewolfing people isn't the best move.
LyraV 42Dukes
I have plenty of good friends that are werewolves.
FlippantSausage
Seems like a good way to have a shedding problem depending on the season.
gellaho
We hardly knew ye, Azreal
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
"Look, I'm not a werewolf…" sounds like something a werewolf would say. J'accuse!
FlippantSausage
OH SHIT THEY DID THEIR ULT!
gellaho
Very inconspicuous in Paris
gellaho
So many Parisian jaguars
A Wombat
Look, I'd be happy to discuss your ridiculous claims. Shall we meet at my place on the moors one of these evenings?
gellaho
Modred's having a great time
FlippantSausage
Ouch, melted rubber on the skin.
A Wombat
He'll be fine.
FlippantSausage
Gonna hurt like a bitch when he peels it off if he has any body hair.
gellaho
You don't want to be the necromancer that died to bullets
A Wombat
NOTHING CAN KILL A NECROMANCER.
FlippantSausage
Hahahah didnt even get vaporized by THE LIVING TRIANGLE!
A Wombat
EXCEPT EVERYTHING THAT CAN KILL EVERYONE.
FlippantSausage
"HOT PARABELLUM! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!"
gellaho
I think the media shouldn't be that surprised, something similar just happened in Disneyland, Mr. Third Officer
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
"They used my one weakness: geometry!"
FlippantSausage
I bet they take Satanic murder cults much more seriously now that magic is a thing again.
gellaho
Max was de-werewolfed, but blinded. But that just means the big bucks!
FlippantSausage
Got that sweet eye insurance too, i bet.
gellaho
And we will write a song about her, as Derrick and the Dominos
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
That's a lot of info to relate secondhand so flawlessly and esoterically
FlippantSausage
"No, of course we aren't going to make an effort to track her down. She could be anywhere, did you not see how she turned into a fucking PANTHER?"
gellaho
And we end with the sentient broom buying designer clothing
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
"And god knows there's a jaguar infestation in Paris so there's absolutely no way to find her."
FlippantSausage
The broom has money?
Does.... does the broom........NEED money?
gellaho
We have defeated The Wizard of Rue Morgue
gellaho
So concludes the 58th edition of The Book Cage
LyraV 42Dukes
That was a strange one, thanks so much @gellaho
FlippantSausage
*Theater lights come back on, exit signs light up. Audience applauds.
Time for me to get some dinner and distribute medications, so thanks for an entertaining evening, friends.
Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac
Always fun @gellaho Thanks for letting me come along for the ride. I always wanted to see a Parisian sewer!
Brendanonymous
Can a poor sewer-illusionist get a recap?
I am but a humble morlock whose acrobatic body once seduced Josephine Baker.
Monkey-Dunk Mo
it's the latecomer!
pelt him with eggs!
Hard Ticket to Ferroday
kinda bummed that I missed this one due to a power outage
Brendanonymous
I thought I'd get most of it but I had to turn in an outline.
