60: The Wizard of Rue Morgue Simon Hawke

#4 The Wizard of 4th Street

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From the sewers of Paris the Dark Ones unleash a *real* Reign of Terror...

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gellaho

Well, once again, everything's coming up France. Wyrdrune and the Wizard crew are venturing to the City of Light where there's kidnapping afoot. The title promises either a murderous orangutan or an Iron Maiden appearance, but I doubt we'll get either. This Friday, 5pm eastern, tune in for the 58th edition of The Book Cage: Simon Hawke's The Wizard of Rue Morgue.

gellaho
gellaho

@Brockway Pin this, or join the bones of the guillotine's victims

FancyShark

GASP! Might the Dark Ones' army be werewolves?!

FlippantSausage

Im so on board for tanned, redhead titty sorceress.

gellaho

I'm inundated by France

FancyShark

Oh, Flippant, if this is your first Hawke book, you are in for a ride

FlippantSausage

Neat!

high jakesy the conqueror

This is so Hawke it hurts

FancyShark

Check out gellaho's website if you get a chance. The Hawke books are this weird balancing act of horny, rad, and trash

high jakesy the conqueror

There are always big titty redheads

FancyShark

Except the Reluctant Sorcerer series. That was just trash with an amazing conclusion

gellaho

Gracias

gellaho

Yeah, I have no idea who that is. I guess we'll find out

Game Dweeb Thrillho

Looks like Sindel before her hair went gray

FancyShark

I wonder if we'll get the series heroes or some other people as the real protagonists?

gellaho

History suggests the latter

gellaho

Coming up on the hour, it's Simon Hawke's The Wizard of Rue Morgue. Here's the magical preview

FlippantSausage

Already promising. Naming your Dark One Pascal is one step above "Mervin, Lord of the Underworld and King of Hell's Legions"

gellaho

Time to begin

gellaho

We begin in sewage

FancyShark

As all Parisian trips do

gellaho

Magic sewage treatment

FlippantSausage

Oooh a Les Mis reference, classy.

Magic sewage and a "kids these days don't know Les Mis"!

Brendanonymous

Wizards shit their robes and magic it away, confirmed, JK.

gellaho

It's taking everything Simon has to not say "tatterdemalion"

FancyShark

It's post apocalyptic, but random cultural references are well known

Brendanonymous

An elderly tatterdemalion is merely a tramp.

FancyShark

Also, hi, @FlippantSausage ! Hi, @Brendanonymous ! Hi, @LyraV 42Dukes !

FlippantSausage

Searching thru the garbage, magically.

gellaho

When the real magic came, who cried for the stage magicians, illusionists, and mind freaks?

FancyShark

The homeless guy is still French, so he's a total snob about the garbage quality

FlippantSausage

"Zeez baguettes are stale! LOW QUALITY! BAH!"

Brendanonymous

What series was it where magic being real made stage magic so much more amazing? Because it was like watching somebody do the same stuff without the crutch.

FancyShark

"Aye wood not peez in zees pees"

That's this one, I think

Brendanonymous

I know zatanna works classical onstage, generally.

FancyShark

We joked about it, iirc

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Jacque's only options were eating fire and eating garbage.

gellaho

Simon really wants you to know just how shitty it is for Jacques

FancyShark

Hi, @Shark Puke Fetishist GDC !

LyraV 42Dukes

Hiding in the niches. As one does.

FlippantSausage

Scrofula AND Tuberculosis! The two most Old French Diseases.

Because Syphilis would be breaking immersion.

FancyShark

Jacques, the octogenarian Parisian acrobat hobo

gellaho

Jacques is drawn to the most spooky and ancient sewage

FancyShark

"Sure. I have no questions."

gellaho

Triple check the redhead box

FancyShark

Ohhh, these people. The same ones from the end of the last book

FlippantSausage

Yeah because the first person youd ask to do anything is a smelly old French dude who lives in the sewers.

gellaho

Don't be afraid of the seizure I'm about to give you, old man

LyraV 42Dukes

So this is what it's like when I steal peoples souls with my hair? I've always wondered.

FancyShark

Boogie Fever. Stage 4

gellaho

Well, in the last book it was a brother and sister dark one. The girl one turned into a dragon and got stabbed to death

FlippantSausage

This is the part where they slip him a combo of PCP and toad venom and beat the shit out of him while taking turns fucking each other, right?

Otherwise this is the worst Eyes Wide Shut party ever.

FancyShark

Options are limited in a sewer

gellaho

Yeah, nothing at all to be afraid of here

FlippantSausage

Yeah just your standard brain melting.

Normal shit in Wizard Paris.

FancyShark

At least he's led a full life

LyraV 42Dukes

Yeah standard redhead stuff, that's how we manufacture freckles.

gellaho

The young and sexy spell is the most dangerous of the dark magics

FlippantSausage

"And the filthy old hobo's cock grew three sizes that day."

FancyShark

Peoples' jaws go bad as they age?

FlippantSausage

They do when you have bad enough scrofula.

FancyShark

I like that youth means he's been working out

gellaho

I don't know how he's going to deal with these hormones

FancyShark

A desperate longing for the devil woman in the sewer

FlippantSausage

HAH! Now the Eyes Wide Shut stuff!

gellaho

See, get too horny and the ladies will breath red-hot steam down your throat

FlippantSausage

That's just how it goes when you fuck a turtle dragon.

Basic Monster Manual shit right there.

gellaho

The change is really continuing at this point

FlippantSausage

He breaks out in acne and starts feeling put upon.

LyraV 42Dukes

The other other change.

FlippantSausage

Wizard Mom and Dad just don't understand reverse puberty.

Wiry hair going back into the ass.

gellaho

Angry French artist? Now I've heard everything

FancyShark

He's yelling at a bowl of fruit

gellaho

Horny Hawke is with us tonight

FlippantSausage

A bowl of fruit name Joelle.

A whiny bowl of fruit.

Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie

But Max, I'm le tired.

FlippantSausage

That he's fucking.

Because thats how nasty Wizard Paris is.

FancyShark

Or she's just an alcoholic

FlippantSausage

You turn bowls of fruit into sapient human women and fuck them.

Also: Paint me like one of your French girls.

Brendanonymous

Inconsiderate dick yells at his freelancer instead of trying to have sex with her.

If she had known sex wasn't on the table she never would have taken this job!

FancyShark

I'm pretty sure that's not what a black velvet painting is supposed to be

FlippantSausage

Like how the narrator calls Joelle out for being a lazy bitch too as "the pose is not difficult to hold", like tell me you are divorced without saying so.

gellaho

She's le horny

FlippantSausage

Like a real artist cares about age, this is France.

Wizard France!

They have a song IN REAL LIFE about fucking your daughter. By a guy and his daughter.

My immersion is dangerously close to being punctured here.

gellaho

"Why does everyone want to have sex with me?"

Brendanonymous

We appear to have a misunderstanding. You are treating me like a professional model. I came here to get lit and clean your brushes.

FancyShark

She better turn into a werewolf soon or I'm going to think Simon forgot his plot

FlippantSausage

He needs to be more polite, because he seems really really impatient with this woman who wants to fuck him.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Start typing with both hands again, Simon.

FancyShark

"Do you think I'm beautiful?" asks the lady whose job is to be beautiful

gellaho

"Why do people want to buy my nude paintings so much?"

FlippantSausage

"Yes goddammit, now shut your French snail hole and let me PAINT, Woman.

Ohhhhh.......okay..........its emphasizing how manly this guy is........I get it.

LyraV 42Dukes

Ugh he did not drag Dali into this ego trip.

gellaho

The rare reverse failed painter

FancyShark

The Legend of the Italian Jew doesn't play very well in some parts of Europe

FlippantSausage

Only Alejandro Jodorowsky is allowed to do that!

Brendanonymous

Ah yes, famous French painters Pablo Picasso and Salvador Dali

Brendanonymous

Columbus isn't very popular here either.

FlippantSausage

Also who fails at Wizard school and decides "Well art is easy. Ill do that."

FancyShark

A sob story works better if the fallback job isn't "world famous artist"

Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie

Well it's the wizard to fascist pipeline. You fall wizardry, become an artist, fail that become a dictator. Very tragic.

FlippantSausage

I feel like if Hitler had the ability to paint nude women so good they all wanted to fuck him, we wouldn't have that trope.

Brendanonymous

20-year-olds threw themselves at him. Men fought him for the honor of hearing their names cursed colorfully in his victory roar. His nudes were incandescent in the salons. He could house a box of wine. But goddammit, he would die a failure, knowing he could never make doves appear with a clap.

gellaho

Max muses on the nude that got away

FlippantSausage

Oh hes out for that cougar pussy, okay.

The Most Dangerous Dick Game.

FancyShark

I'm assuming he's thinking about the French cougar that was in the past books

Brendanonymous

Sounds like Annie Lenox is still out here being cool as fuck.

gellaho

Jacqueline, the magic thief who hangs out with a 300 lbs fairy

FancyShark

Hey, I was right!

FlippantSausage

Oooh she hangs out with Wizard Laurence Fishburne!

Brendanonymous

Maybe Max is Cypher's new ID

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

I'm actually kind of surprised magic hasn't made sexy painters as obsolete as fire eaters.

LyraV 42Dukes

'You can call me JMLdCM for short'

FancyShark

Every organization has Thaumaturgy in its name because no one wants another "Industrial Light and Magic" lawsuit

gellaho

Oopsie. The model he sent home got murdered

FancyShark

Whoopsie

If only he'd had sex with her instead of doing his job

gellaho

Well, that doesn't look great

FlippantSausage

Oh nooooooo how could they murder that poor bowl of fruit-I mean girl!

Also how bad of a temper do you have to be for being suspected of murdering someone so they STOP wanting to fuck you?

FancyShark

"Wouldn't you rather have sex with me?"

"Lady, I'm trying to murder you. You're making this weird."

Brendanonymous

I think the cops suspect he hit on her and got mad when she turned him down.

gellaho

Of course he was

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Honestly the truth isn't very believable

FlippantSausage

THey know about his temper but not how Joelle is horny.

FancyShark

She was new!

Brendanonymous

Giacomo Siegal

FancyShark

Reputations take time

FlippantSausage

"Hon hon hon, zees croissant is excellent wit mah coffee! I shall deep it!"

gellaho

Keep it in your pants, Inspector

FancyShark

"The constabularie eez all up my ass about theez!"

goddammit, Hawke. Always with the "she had the figure of a woman in her twenties"

LyraV 42Dukes

A body like Arnold with a Denzel face.

FancyShark

Literally every time he's introduced her in these books, we get that line

FlippantSausage

"Legal enough so that pumping her full of box wine is only ONE crime."

gellaho

So, the painter dude became friends with the lady after she just showed up in his apartment and asked him to paint her face. That's why she's here

FancyShark

As all women do

Brendanonymous

Sure, what 40-something woman doesn't dream of being able to secure a spot in a nightclub chorus?

FancyShark

I want to know if Simon is aware that women past 29 can still exercise and stay in shape?

FlippantSausage

"Oh, he's NOT a killer, you say?"

"Well did we fuck up."

"If only we had known."

LyraV 42Dukes

HIs descriptions are so weirdly polite for a pervert.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Too bad they already guillotined him.

Brendanonymous

I often approach a lone female at the social imbibement zone and say, "My dear..." pause for eye contact and a slow, wry smile, "Although you are past optimal birthing age and would likely produce progeny with Down's syndrome, you have the figure of a much more desirable woman...would you care to model for me....IN NAKED?"

FancyShark

Well, I know I'm turned on

gellaho

"Mademoiselle, we are not in ze habit of telling people the lack of evidenze zat we have, but"

FancyShark

The print was damaged. Therefore, murder

Brendanonymous

All I'm hearing is "She went to work for a dick boss and then turned up dead after hours."

That's why I try to never be the last person to see anyone alive. I'm like, "Look over there! It's Santa!" and then dive into the bushes.

gellaho

"Our evidence is that he failed out of magic school"

Brendanonymous

So they can't text their friends. "Date with Brendan went well, not coming home yet."

FlippantSausage

This is why you paint nude women with a CCTV

FancyShark

So the Italian Jew from Brooklyn is suspected because he coulda been a contender?

FlippantSausage

The Vice Presidential Method

Brendanonymous

I just hide cameras in the toilet so it proves they were alive after they finished sitting for me.

FlippantSausage

I love how this random wizard secret agent is finding all sorts of holes in this case, where the dudes lawyer presumably couldn't.

gellaho

"These are probably things you should have heard about. There was a black sabbath ritual in Cinderella's Castle in Disneyland"

gellaho

"I'm not sure how you didn't hear about that"

LyraV 42Dukes

Sure. That's why.

FancyShark

Inspector Blood, continuing being the spin-off character we want but never get

FlippantSausage

Ran into IP disputes with DC comics.

gellaho

Billy Slade, Cockney Punk and part-time Merlin, is having Merlin nightmares

gellaho

Thirty pages before main characters if you were wondering

FancyShark

Just our heroes, staring at a child sleeping

FlippantSausage

None of those people qualified as main characters? Cool,.

FancyShark

And Hawke isn't trying with the cockney transcribing

FancyShark

Hawke doesn't seem to get that he can have stories in the same universe without the characters from the first book

Also, Billy is Merlin's last living descendant, so Merlin's soul lives in his body since Merlin's body was destroyed

gellaho

The nightmares are a result of Billy receiving Gorlois's ring after Thanatos died. So now he has multiple old people in his head

FancyShark

Oh right. And a badass eldritch defense attorney from LA is in his head now too

FlippantSausage

"There's too many colors! Turn down that music!" is his mental landscape now.

gellaho

Family is hard

FlippantSausage

Poor lad, its getting crowded in there.

Oh my god he must have given up jerking off.

FancyShark

You'd think so, but Hawke may have other ideas

gellaho

Spoke too soon

FancyShark

There's the Hawke work ethic I know!

FlippantSausage

Like he noticed some missing apostrophes and had to fill his quota or he doesn't get his extra Yoshi coin at the end of the level.

FancyShark

Hawke will go into impressive detail about things that don't matter. I think in this series, he's funneling that energy into the accents

FlippantSausage

He needs to go full Yangus and tell someone porkies, and make them brown bread.

gellaho

Skipping over several pages of recap, onto France

FancyShark

I keep forgetting about the Yiddish broom

FlippantSausage

If this doesn't involve a magic throat slitting orangutan at some point I will riot.

You are invoking Chekhovs ape with all that Rue Morgue talk.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Suzanne Muset (sister of the deceased) is dealing with finding her sister's dead body

FlippantSausage

Also what rue, that word just means street!

Aw poor Gabby, thats the last thing you want when you show for the menage a trois.

gellaho

Bold move, Max

FancyShark

crap, I need to run off. Work issue. Have a fun night, everybody!

FlippantSausage

Ooof Max is just really bad at looking like Not A Murderer.

I see where all that talent for wizard shit went.

Because that has to be a supernatural feat.

gellaho

Well, that was a good use of time

FlippantSausage

Ooooof, did Max cold cock Stefan? Now he's going back to jail.

Neo will have to break him out.

gellaho

Meanwhile, our heroes watch the movie made during the last book

FlippantSausage

You'd think an in flight movie would just be like a full Holodeck\mind palace thing in a magical universe.

gellaho

Modred enjoys a fictional version of his conception

FlippantSausage

okay but fuck you for saying "lesbian stormtrooper" like that isn't cool.

Captain Phasma is a gay icon, according to at least one of my friends.

A Wombat

His mother had something like 10 kids, so I'm pretty sure he's entitled to think it's a weird bit.

FlippantSausage

It's troubling for young men to realize their mom likes dick, but he's had a thousand years to get over it.

gellaho

Max is just having one of those days

FlippantSausage

Shit, I'm almost convinced he is the murderer.

A Wombat

This version of Mordred is rather saner than usual, so maybe he's sublimated his rage and hatred into homophobia.

And this is just that occasionally popping to the surface.

FlippantSausage

I like how the super secret squirrel agent Jaqueline has yet to posit that maybe someone is framing Max and is following him and doing murders.

A Wombat

But if she did that we wouldn't have a plot.

gellaho

Jacques is learning that leaving the sewers isn't all it's cracked up to be

gellaho
A Wombat

On the other hand, not sewers.

LyraV 42Dukes

Suddenly Garth Marenghi is ghost writing.

gellaho

He's got the murder boner

FlippantSausage

Jaques never suspected that the mysterious cloaked horny sewer wizards might be bad people!

"Not a fraction of what I'm going to do" is code.

It means a cheeky finger up his butt.

A Wombat

Jacques is not very bright.

FlippantSausage

I guess they didn't de-age his brain.

A Wombat

I think we should congratulate him on being able to tie his shoelaces and climb stairs.

FlippantSausage

Poor bastard, all he thought he was going to get was pegged by a hot lady in a sewer. Instead its murder.

gellaho

A leader of a small gang meets the Dark Ones and gets turned in to a werewolf

FlippantSausage

Actually fairly rad.

gellaho

While Michel kills his gang, the dark ones absorb the life force weirdly

FlippantSausage

Their plan is to make their breasts bigger?

A Wombat

Look, it beats silicone.

FlippantSausage

I figured magic would do that without stealing life force but whatever.

I didnt graduate from Wizard school.

Then again maybe neither did they?

gellaho

Wyrdrune and Kira have a great relationship

gellaho

They are ancient evil beings from beyond recorded history, so probably not

A Wombat

See, that's the problem. They didn't think about the really important things, like making breasts bigger.

gellaho

They are also the two dude ones, so it seems like a weird way to go

The lady one is busy making out with the old/young man

FlippantSausage

Sometimes when you are an ageless evil, you decide you want a pair of righteous knockers.

And not having a PHD in Wizard means you don't know all the modern techniques for it.

A Wombat

Isn't Gorlois an ancient evil from beyond recorded history?

gellaho

Magic runestones make investigation very easy

FlippantSausage

"No, shut up, its not like in those Batman games!"

A Wombat

That shouldn't stand up in court.

I demand at least one more magical stone to confirm it.

FlippantSausage

Yeah I feel like testimony from a spirit of a dead Arthurian is inadmissable.

gellaho

Shut-in writer Stefan Rienzi moistens his lips

A Wombat

Do they explain why this version of Mordred isn't a cackling villain who schemes to murder half of the good guys, then triggers two wars to kill the remainder? I missed that book.

gellaho

Are you asking if his character might have changed over a thousand years?

FlippantSausage

Moistly moistens his moist lips.

"Are you cops?" "It's complicated" is the last exchange so many people hear.

A Wombat

All I'm saying is I'd want more than his sayso if I was going to bring him into court on matters of crimes.

Trust, but verify.

gellaho

I guess there are a couple of things. This isn't really an official investigation, they did break in

FlippantSausage

It seems more like they are gonna black bag him and dump his body in a sewer anyway, the way this conversation is going already.

high jakesy the conqueror

Terrible fake Italian names: a Hawke tradition like no other

FlippantSausage

Alfredo Ricotta.

A Wombat

But fair enough. It's not an important point, just one I consistently find interesting in these books.

gellaho

This is also the fourth book, so I think they can trust him by this point. He had become an international assassin, but then he met up with his mom again, and got a magic stone embedded in his chest, fought an ancient evil. Then his mom died. Then he met his mother's lover, Thanatos. Then Thanatos died. He's been through a lot

A Wombat

I let Holly get away with being bored of craziness after ten million years, I can let Mordred decide he's not evil after a thousand.

That's fair.

gellaho

Rienzi gets the jedi treatment

LyraV 42Dukes

I'm sure more blank spaces in his memory will help absolve him of those violent murders.

high jakesy the conqueror

"Where we're you today"

"Im-a eating da gabagool"

FlippantSausage

"Never seen who?"

gellaho

Take that, book learnin' boy

gellaho

They send Wyrdrune's sentient broom on a guided tour

LyraV 42Dukes

Inherited from the Old One Alec Guinness.

FlippantSausage

What a confusing day to be a tour guide.

Cos I assume sapient brooms aren't a commonplace thing from his reaction.

Maybe in five minutes a trunk with legs eats him tho.

gellaho

They go to a night club which turns into a magic show? Doesn't seem like the dance crowd would be into that, but sure

gellaho

Wyrdrune is not impressed by the gifts of the Dark Ones

A Wombat

Alec Guinness could tell me to do anything he wants and I'd do it.

FlippantSausage

I can feel the author straining to not call the club "Danse Macabre"

gellaho
high jakesy the conqueror

Lol

FlippantSausage

Lmao he succumbed.

gellaho

You don't say, Kira

gellaho

Pascal's performance is a little too good

FlippantSausage

Pffft the LIBERAL WIZARD THOUGHT POLICE making sure you don't suddenly become rad at magic.

A Wombat

In fairness, becoming rad at magic all of a sudden feels like a thing they'd want to know about.

FlippantSausage

"Oh do you have a license for that wand?"

A Wombat

Considering that has been the direct cause of at least 4 near apocalypses.

FlippantSausage

Chalk it up to me coming from a country where it is legal to own a flamethrower.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

I'd forgotten how much Hawke likes his big bureaucracies about weird shit.

gellaho

Jacqueline sneaks backstage to meet with Jacques as he's putting on his Joker outfit

FlippantSausage

Oooof I do not like the Hugh Hefner\Joker vibe a purple robe gives you.

gellaho

Turns out the change from earlier was also a werewolfing

A Wombat

Jacques and Jacqueline in one page. I bet that gave Hawke no trouble at all.

FlippantSausage

I guess she doesn't load her pistol with general purpose special ammo then huh? Cos I bet she isn't gonna bring down shit with it.

A Wombat

You don't need to magically wound a werewolf if you put a hole in the werewolf big enough to drive through!

FlippantSausage

You'd think thered be like a silver tipped, mercury cored thing to go with.

gellaho

Ah, Jacques' home territory

FlippantSausage

Lol like rats are the worst part of a sewer.

If you set foot in Paris you are never more than five feet from more rats than you've had hot meals.

It's rats all the way down.

A Wombat

If you set foot in the Paris catacombs you are never more than three feet away from a corpse, I was told.

FlippantSausage

Undoubtedly.

Side note, the catacombs of Paris are really neat and spooky.

gellaho

Jacqueline and Billy are captured before they can get in the sewer with everyone else. They meet some very flamboyant characters from the ITC

gellaho

@high jakesy the conqueror We get a very different Raven here. Hawke had that name in the brain in 1990

FlippantSausage

We all did.

It was T-Minus 1 year til Raven CS Mcracken released World of Synnibarr and we were all feeling the psychic preshock.

gellaho

Turns out Raveb/Kimberly is another old student of Merlin

LyraV 42Dukes

I guessed it from your fakename.

FlippantSausage

God, Kimberly is such a lame truename. Its like she has the soul of a 1995 girl from the Valley

Brendanonymous

BOOO turning in outlines. I missed all of this and now I'm meeting family for dinner.

gellaho

1990 was the high watermark for Hawke's lip moistening

FlippantSausage

"I COMMAND THEE KIMBERLY! BY THE POWER OF YOUR TRUENAME! GO TO PROM WITH ME!"

Brendanonymous

Oh well, at least I made it as far as Neo-Edwardian Bebe Neuwirth.

gellaho

I think you mean Rubenesque Raven

FlippantSausage

Im pictureing Agent Piccard as Patrick Stewart, as well.

gellaho

France has weird legal rules for the requests of ancient wizards

FlippantSausage

"Max Siegal looks sooo guilty thooo!"

Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac

"Release my friend from yon drunkard tank!" "Why would we do that?" "I am" eyebrow wiggle "A WIZARD!" "Oh shit, sorry, sir. Right away."

gellaho

This is why you should stay in wizard school, kids

Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac

Britain and America run on common law, France runs on magic law

A Wombat

Magic law: Magic does what it wants.

FlippantSausage

This is the wizard equivalent of prematurely ejaculating and hitting someone in the eye. Disappointing and irresponsible.

gellaho

Wyrdrune is a great and noble hero

FlippantSausage

Okay but lets be fair, Kira be nasty, there's poo in that water.

Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac

We seek adventure! Unless it's yucky then save yourself, asshole.

gellaho

The protagonists of these books have been featured so little in the past two books. I'm not even sure if these two are still an item

FlippantSausage

She is going to get a UTI and then we will see who is laughing.

Also neither of them knows Tenser's Floating Disk.

gellaho

Wyrdrune got really pissy after he found out that the magic of Disneyland wasn't real

Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac

"A little dirty water isn't going to kill your." I mean, it could. Are wizards immune to dysentery? Cholera? The literal plague?

A Wombat

Yes. No. Depends on which variant.

FlippantSausage

He's got a point while bitching about the lights.

gellaho

Wyrdrune falls deep in the shit water and encounters the rat king

FlippantSausage

HAH THIS IS THE REAL DARK SOULS NOW!

Wyrdrune didn't wanna go down to Blight Town.

A Wombat

And thus did Wyrdrune and Modred get eaten by a rat king.

Modred, being effectively a god at this point, was only mildly inconvenienced.

Wydrune went to live in Billy's head.

gellaho

The battle doesn't go well for the giant rat

gellaho
A Wombat

Or, you know, that happens.

In fairness to the giant rat it was expecting to encounter level 1 wizards.

2 at the outside.

It seems kind of rude to face a giant rat when you're... whatever they are. Casting 9th level spells?

FlippantSausage

Great Glintstone Shard?

Or one of those bonkers 5e cantrips that never stops scaling until you roll ALL the d10s

Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac

I'm always amazed how these books make magic sound really dorky and unimpressive. "They killed a rat king! With sparkler fingers."

gellaho

Well, at least you had one last show.

FlippantSausage

Oh there's your trouble my dude. Your blood belongs on the inside.

A Wombat

Honestly it feels like just throwing magic at things and not even bothering to cast a spell is more effective in these books than actual spells should be.

It's like he played Magicka 30 years before it came out.

Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac

It's all sith lightning fingers

A Wombat

Guy, I don't know, I think maybe you should have not let them steal your blood.

FlippantSausage

Maybe try not bleeding to death in a sewer pining for the eldritch horror in a woman suit who pegged you?

A Wombat

I bet he didn't even think of that.

Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac

When you get pegged by a god, there's really no other way this ends

FlippantSausage

Got that boomer brain.

nenos

What glorious book is this?

FlippantSausage

The Wizard of Rue Morgue.

Simon Hawke.

Its a real gem

nenos

Resaerch must be done! Been years since I read a new book that wasnt about… like building things

i thank you!

gellaho

Colette, exotic dancer, meets with Leila (dark one) and Michel (werewolf)

A Wombat

It's nice to see werewolves be positively represented.

FlippantSausage

Stop me if you've heard this one, A werewolf, a dark one, and an exotic dancer walk into a sewer......

beb.

gellaho

And all of a sudden, I'm back in the last Hardy Boys book

FlippantSausage

The fuck is it with fantasy authors and pickpockets?

A Wombat

This is a horrible stereotype of Parisian street children despite the fact that it is in fact entirely true.

nenos

A bit of male gaze here I feel

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

specifically french pickpockets

FlippantSausage

Did they all at some point visit a city and forget to keep their money in their sock like Mom said.

A Wombat

look, if you're going to wander the Parisian streets and leave your money in an easy to get space and look like a tourist, you're going to have it stolen by street children.

That's just Paris.

nenos

At least it was her eyes that were gorgeous npt her tits

gellaho

A bit?

FlippantSausage

Everyone knows if you want to keep away pickpockets, you put jelly on a wallet that contains no money.

A Wombat

So... uhh... I know it's a common phrase, but... has anyone really wanted a woman that could break in half when you poke her?

FlippantSausage

Jesus. "Face of an angel and the body of a harlot"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

This is hornier than a Sunday Chickweed.

nenos

Yeah I mean I might've done a subtle understatement there

A Wombat

Really? I tried chasing the street urchins down while shouting give me back my money and waving a knife.

I should have tried that.

Also, it turned out they didn't steal my wallet at all!

FlippantSausage

Yeah the downside to that strat is the little shits run really fast.

And you run out of knives if you start throwing them.

And customs frowns on shuriken.

LyraV 42Dukes

Yet her nipples were slightly downturned so it looked like her chest was blinking.

gellaho

Meanwhile, the dark ones start child-wrangling

gellaho
A Wombat

What.

A Wombat

What you should want is the face of a harlot and the body of an angel.

FlippantSausage

Man, Fagan really stepped up his game when he became Lord of Shadow.

A Wombat
A Wombat

So hot.

nenos

That would be the face of an angel then

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Shit, those kids got cenobited.

nenos

I mean my karate might be weak but O feel the nody of a harlot doesnt do much to mitogate that

No matter how big the breasts/dick is/are

FlippantSausage

Maybe he meant rickety and with ribs showing.

gellaho

Modred compares acquiring necromancic power with investing

FlippantSausage

"And that is why we should invest in Dogecoin For Wizards."

A Wombat

@CEO of God J So, Simon Hawke stole your character idea a few years before you were born.

nenos

Wow

FlippantSausage

"And yes, DogeWizCoin is different."

nenos

That really turned fantasy into work didnt it

A Wombat

I know I'm convinced to become a necromancer.

FlippantSausage

Necrostonks!

nenos

Whats the benefits in seeking employment as a nevromancer

Is there dental?

FlippantSausage

Yes, because you get all the teeth you want.

nenos

Indeed!

gellaho

I wonder where the necromancers could be hiding

FlippantSausage

"The Catacombs! That Paris famously has!" "The Catawhatnow?!"

nenos

This writer must get hard for multi-syllabic words!

FlippantSausage

Guys, I havent read much of these books, but I'm getting the idea that maybe Wyrdrune is not quite bright?

A Wombat

Did he just copy a section of the encyclopedia into his book?

FlippantSausage

Like is he a wheel idiot but for magic? But also not good at magic?

A Wombat

Guys, I think I want the necromancers to kill Piccard?

.

Kill him and eat him?

nenos

He should learn swedish or german, we have syllables for days

nenos

I think the writer is a word idiot maybe

Like he knows only syllabus

gellaho

He got expelled from wizard Harvard for burning down a concert on accident

A Wombat

He claimed it was an accident, and on later determination it turned out that yes, it was an accident, he's just that dumb.

FlippantSausage

Shit hes like a character from Revenge Of the Nerds: Hogwarts Style.

gellaho

So, Jacques gets burned through his eyes several times to become part of the Dark Ones plans. Colette strip dances for Leila then has a threesome with werewolf boy

gellaho

Doesn't really seem fair

FlippantSausage

Hot.

And to be fair, if I was going to reforge someones flesh with my dark power, I'd melt the old shit smelling guy and fuck the dancer too.

A Wombat

Hey, just because you're evil doesn't mean you need to be a bigot.

Go and sit in the corner and think about why what you said was wrong.

nenos

No you can hate everyone

Thats not racist

FlippantSausage

At least give him a chance to shower and not do it in a literal sewer.

CEO of God J

That bastard

FlippantSausage

Like if the old man was then like "NO! SHOWERS ARE HOW THE FBI TRACKS YOU AND STEALS YOUR THOUGHTSEMEN!" then I'd melt him.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Max swears off nudes

FlippantSausage

I love that he learned entirely the wrong lesson.

Not "Maybe paint with more than one person around so you have an alibi" but "Nude women are nothing but trouble."

nenos

I feel this writer may have done slightly less research than necessary

A Wombat

Simon Hawke doesn't do research.

He just lets the mind fairies fill his brain with thoughts.

nenos

I mean maybe to@ of finland would have that issue but most artists wouldnt

A Wombat

Also, apparently he's a Russian guy who changed his last name to Hawke for real.

FlippantSausage

"Ze galleries, zey want your nudes!" said no one, ever.

nenos

Unless they were showing exclusively tom of finland

Trust me on this

A Wombat

I dunno, a lot of Parisian galleries show nudes.

FlippantSausage

Aside from that.

A Wombat

What they don't want are impressionist nudes, I'd think.

I'm not even sure what that would look like.

FlippantSausage

An impressionist nude would be interesting.

A Wombat

Google is telling me that I can't possibly mean what I'm saying.

gellaho

I'm glad you guys are worrying about the realism of this book about wizards in the future

nenos

Well the characters are still technically supposed to be humans right?

gellaho

For the catacomb adventure, the Dr Makepeace (giant fairy) shows up for no reason

FlippantSausage

If Star Trek taught me anything its that fiction is real.

And carpetbag? In the future?

I think not.

A Wombat

I don't think it's particularly well written and I kind of want to chase the characters through a forest late at night and devour their flesh despite not being a werewolf, so all I really have is criticizing the plausibility of the things that aren't the writing and the characters.

FlippantSausage

My grandma wouldn't be caught dead with a carpetbag, and she is dead.

A Wombat

Oh, hey, they brought in Sebastian Makepeace.

nenos

The adjectives and adverbs makes reading this hard

A Wombat

He is a fairy in both senses of the word.

I can only vouch for one of them, but I am 100% certain of the other.

nenos

He must have been payed by the word

FlippantSausage

Oh that is why he dresses like a Jojo character then.

gellaho

Fairies have super scent powers

LyraV 42Dukes

Still a few more hours to absorb another being.

A Wombat

What? No, don't be homophobic. He dresses like that because he's a moron.

And a prat.

FlippantSausage

Oh I was talking about the other kind of fairy.

The explicitly magic kind.

A Wombat

That does not help, no.

He was introduced to us, I think, by tricking a very drunk man in the only way you could make that man's life worse.

gellaho

RIP Piccard

nenos

Lambent?

FlippantSausage

"AIEE MADEMOISELLE LE LOUP! YOUR TEETH 'AR ZO SHARP!"

nenos

"Argh my throat!"

A Wombat

Oh, good.

That is exactly what I wanted. I rarely get that.

FlippantSausage

"Now I will never get to fulfill my dream of opening an erotic bakery!"

gellaho

So, Suzanne was kidnapped. Max and Co. decided to follow Colette because she said she knew Suzanne. This leads to an obvious trap

FlippantSausage

Max......my dude.

You were juuuuuust about clear of this.

LyraV 42Dukes

Just indiscriminate prostitutes, no further questions.

gellaho

Mind controlled, murderous street urchins have descended upon the city

FlippantSausage

Cool.

A Wombat

Welp.

Evil wins!

FlippantSausage

Not fucked up at all, having mobs of demented bestial orphans cause chaos and bloodshed.

A Wombat

Hurray for evil!

gellaho

Up though the sewers come the pickpockets

FlippantSausage

Huh......Parisian police aren't usually armd.

I smell a conspiracy!

Which would make this plot slightly more interesting!

So its probably not a thing!

Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac

Let your imagination soar! This is a land of magic and armed French law enforcement!

gellaho

So, this takes place in a future where there was a post-apocalypse. The world was restored after Merlin brought magic back to the world

Let's not apply present French policing to this

A Wombat

I mean, in the context of everything else in the world, the police being armed in Paris is not unusual.

FlippantSausage

Fine but only grudgingly.

A Wombat

But there are armed units in the Parisian police district today anyway.

What annoys me is that it's post-apocalyptic but Merlin did his level best to make everything look like it had before the apocalypse, just with magic.

At which point why have the apocalypse?

FlippantSausage

Armed police seem kind of pointless if magic is common enough to displace stage magicians.

A Wombat

I mean, a gun will still kill you and you don't need magic to use it.

Very few wizards have the power or flexibility to stop a gun from killing them.

gellaho

Oops, Max done got werewolf'd

A Wombat

See? Even Modred has a gun. Guns are useful.

FlippantSausage

Whats the point of magic if you can't at least telekinetically block a slide or cause a misfire?

A Wombat

I mean, you probably could, if you're fast enough.

And precise enough.

FlippantSausage

This magic post apocalypse is lame.

A Wombat

Guns are fairly well designed these days to not do either of those things, and that's not technology that's dependent on a whole lot of material sciences. The apocalypse didn't make people stupid, just sort of knocked them around a bit.

So you'

gellaho

Billy/Merlin enters their knight transformation from

A Wombat

So you would need to know someone is pointing a gun at you and block the slide or misfire the gun in that moment... while all the other guns pointed at you are firing.

LyraV 42Dukes

I was not expecting this book to have so many werewolves.

A Wombat

Guns are very good at killing people.

A Wombat

I'm going to ignore your racism.

gellaho

The Dark Ones primary move is to werewolf people

A Wombat

Look, it works.

gellaho

That didn't happen in the first book, but it's become a thing

I guess the Dark Ones were released at the end of the first book, so that makes sense

A Wombat

Look, I'm not a werewolf, but it's hard to imagine a situation where werewolfing people isn't the best move.

LyraV 42Dukes

I have plenty of good friends that are werewolves.

FlippantSausage

Seems like a good way to have a shedding problem depending on the season.

gellaho

We hardly knew ye, Azreal

Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac

"Look, I'm not a werewolf…" sounds like something a werewolf would say. J'accuse!

FlippantSausage

OH SHIT THEY DID THEIR ULT!

gellaho

Very inconspicuous in Paris

gellaho

So many Parisian jaguars

A Wombat

Look, I'd be happy to discuss your ridiculous claims. Shall we meet at my place on the moors one of these evenings?

gellaho

Modred's having a great time

FlippantSausage

Ouch, melted rubber on the skin.

A Wombat

He'll be fine.

FlippantSausage

Gonna hurt like a bitch when he peels it off if he has any body hair.

gellaho

You don't want to be the necromancer that died to bullets

A Wombat

NOTHING CAN KILL A NECROMANCER.

FlippantSausage

Hahahah didnt even get vaporized by THE LIVING TRIANGLE!

A Wombat

EXCEPT EVERYTHING THAT CAN KILL EVERYONE.

FlippantSausage

"HOT PARABELLUM! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!"

gellaho

I think the media shouldn't be that surprised, something similar just happened in Disneyland, Mr. Third Officer

Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac

"They used my one weakness: geometry!"

FlippantSausage

I bet they take Satanic murder cults much more seriously now that magic is a thing again.

gellaho

Max was de-werewolfed, but blinded. But that just means the big bucks!

FlippantSausage

Got that sweet eye insurance too, i bet.

gellaho

And we will write a song about her, as Derrick and the Dominos

Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac

That's a lot of info to relate secondhand so flawlessly and esoterically

FlippantSausage

"No, of course we aren't going to make an effort to track her down. She could be anywhere, did you not see how she turned into a fucking PANTHER?"

gellaho

And we end with the sentient broom buying designer clothing

Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac

"And god knows there's a jaguar infestation in Paris so there's absolutely no way to find her."

FlippantSausage

The broom has money?

Does.... does the broom........NEED money?

gellaho

We have defeated The Wizard of Rue Morgue

gellaho

So concludes the 58th edition of The Book Cage

LyraV 42Dukes

That was a strange one, thanks so much @gellaho

FlippantSausage

*Theater lights come back on, exit signs light up. Audience applauds.

Time for me to get some dinner and distribute medications, so thanks for an entertaining evening, friends.

Toastygod, Moon Karate Maniac

Always fun @gellaho Thanks for letting me come along for the ride. I always wanted to see a Parisian sewer!

Brendanonymous

Can a poor sewer-illusionist get a recap?

I am but a humble morlock whose acrobatic body once seduced Josephine Baker.

Monkey-Dunk Mo

it's the latecomer!

pelt him with eggs!

Hard Ticket to Ferroday

kinda bummed that I missed this one due to a power outage

Brendanonymous

I thought I'd get most of it but I had to turn in an outline.