Aw man, I was hoping he'd get caught. Still, that's hilarious
Mo's Over, Synergy
255 is the max value represented by a byte, but the question is: does the WRITER know that?
FancyShark
Frank Dixon knows that computers explode
John
So, is it house style here to refer to the writer of the Hardy books as Dixon, even though we know they're all ghostwritten?
FancyShark
More or less. It helps focus the scorn
gellaho
Wikipedia has a very incomplete list of the actual writers, so it would be hard to refer to the author
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I think most of the ghost writers appreciate that.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
It's gotta be Virtual Villainy. Thinking that a digital clock face counts as something “virtual” means this will be awful
gellaho
This time, the Hardy Boys will endure the hardships of the virtual world. Two readings ago we were in San Diego for the "Annual Comic Convention," this time we are in San Francisco for "VidCon." Prepare for such nonsense as: The Xyrodian Corporation, bikers, and ninjas. All that and more, this Friday 5pm Eastern, as we enter The Hardy Boys Casefiles(tm) #86: Virtual Villainy
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway Will you accept my ultimate challenge and pin this?
dr
I hate everything about these two paragraphs.
Brockway
I would not have pinned this if Virtual Villainy lost
gellaho
I leave it up to the people
gellaho
Reminder: At 5pm Eastern, the reading of The Hard Boys Casefiles(tm) #86: Virtual Villainy will begin. I usually give a preview, but an overzealous librarian may have destroyed the preview. I'll try to remove this, but enjoy this in the meantime
Mo's Over, Synergy
See if you can remove it with a hair dryer or steam
gellaho
The surgery wasn't completely successful
gellaho
Fuck you, Surrey Township
FancyShark
Frank sure went defeatist quick
gellaho
gellaho
I guess his karate kicks don't work anymore
problematic fox Djonin
… you Canadian, Gel?
I was like “why does Surrey sound so familiar”
gellaho
I'm from Florida. I bought these on eBay, apparently via a library in Michigan
gellaho
We open with the Hardy Boys getting ready for a rumble
gellaho
They are immediately in dart combat with bikers
gellaho
I don't know if the dart vs biker shotgun game would be very successful
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Frank's weapon being empty feels like a metaphor
I don't love that we're getting the cover action like 5 pages in
gellaho
You know how much bikers love the mall
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I assume this is VR. Dixon doesn't do stakes.
gellaho
Xyrodian invited the Hardys to the VR game company for... some reason
gellaho
Xyrodian games presents: DEATH MALL
gellaho
"Before that, Death Mall was just a shopping simulator"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"Honestly I forgot why we called it Death Mall before we added the murderous bikers."
gellaho
WHERE ARE MY NINJA MEMOS
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Willie Gage is an old timey prospector name. No wonder he's so bad at memos.
gellaho
Why does everyone at this video game studio want to meet the Hardys
gellaho
gellaho
You know, the classic friendship between detective and the president of a video game company
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Why does Fenton insist that?
Is he trying to push them into a less head trauma-centered career?
gellaho
"I know I'm friends with your dad, an actual detective, but I need some teens on this industrial espionage case"
gellaho
Pointlessly elaborate murder note, classic
gellaho
Run Amanda
gellaho
Run fast
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Yeah. If you've received credible threats against you or your business you shouldn't be talking to two teenagers, and its weird she has to point that out.
gellaho
Amanda: The Red Head with Red Cheeks
gellaho
Redder!
gellaho
EVEN REDDER
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
“We're givin er all the redness we got captain!”
“MORE REDNESS!”
gellaho
And now the blushing, super-genius, 27 year old is being taken to dinner by high schoolers
gellaho
As is customary, their black van is immediately tailed
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Best way to lose a tail is to let them know you're trying to escape
gellaho
They just run through black vans
gellaho
the best solution is to drive into oncoming traffic
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahahaha
gellaho
Why even introduce the gas station danger
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
“Check please!”
gellaho
Basically
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Oh Dixon
You sweet summer child
So predictable
gellaho
Piracy isn't a victimless crime, kids. A game designer might have their card declined at a Mexican restaurant
gellaho
"Amanda then drove to her red house with the red roof, red mailbox and red front door."
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Love that they cut the card up on the spot
That's how the world works
gellaho
MARTIAN CONQUISTADORS
gellaho
I wonder if Pratt is a good guy
gellaho
Oh, he's fat and smoking a cigar. Definitely a good guy
gellaho
What a brilliant plan
John
I like the implication that a copy somehow wouldn't have come from their “lab”.
BlueAmaranth
then they peel off that label and there's a hidden rembrandt under it
gellaho
So they agree to meet with this Pratt guy at the Oakland docks. It goes about as well as expected
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Just standin below cranes at the docks, usual Friday for the Dum Dum Boys
John
Yeah, that's how cranes work. They suspend things in the air.
gellaho
Frank, you are supposed to be the smart one
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
If only there was some way to tell where a crane was capable of suspending this over.
gellaho
God has sent his servants for the Hardy Boys
John
Yes, Frank. Either that or dock workers got drunk and decided to see how far they could chuck shipping containers with a crane.
Actually, I think I've invented a new sport.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Also now you know that the guy who tried to kill you is trained as a crane operator
Really not a great way to stay hidden
Or Franklin Dixon thinks heavy machinery just has like a steering wheel and a button
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"Don't stand under crane loads" is like industrial safety 101, I'm shocked the Hardy's haven't picked that up yet.
BlueAmaranth
can't have been trained that well if they just flung the crate in a random direction
so that narrows it down even further--the guy who tried to kill them is a lousy crane operator
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
A crane is just a big forklift right? Yeah that scans
Send
gellaho
Oh, those were just regular murderous dock workers
gellaho
what a wacky misunderstanding
John
Taken on its own, that first paragraph is gibberish. It's like the guy is talking to 5 different people in 4 sentences.
gellaho
"Pratt? Why, he's been dead for 15 years!"
BlueAmaranth
"hello, trespassing teenagers, i'm here to escort you directly to the scene of a gruesome murder"
gellaho
How did they miss the car if they were almost hit by that container?
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Good thing heavy equipment malfunctions are never investigated
Oh the guy said it went haywire, good enough for me
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Wait, so the crane malfunctioned, causing a fatality. And they just kept using it?
John
Listen, our only suspect said ghosts did it. We had to let him go. Our union lawyer won't go to court against poltergeists.
BlueAmaranth
convenient that the guy was killed in a way that's implied to be super gross and traumatizing, but also blocks line of sight to the corpse so they don't have to do a therapy sidequest
gellaho
"Joe doused the headlights, because the person writing this is 90 years old"
gellaho
Have they caught Amanda red handed?
gellaho
doyouseewhatididthere
If the next 110 pages of this isn't Amanda chasing after the Hardys with a gun, I'm not sure where this is going
BlueAmaranth
what if she's a triple agent
also murdering teenagers over video game thefts seems legit
gellaho
This has to be some kind of misunderstanding, but there's no way to get out of this well
You know how people steal from themselves
gellaho
Flawless
gellaho
BlueAmaranth
This is some real encyclopedia brown style detective work
gellaho
She's activated Joe's misogynist rage
gellaho
Jesus, I didn't know they had weebs in 1994
gellaho
TECHNOLOGY OF THE FUTURE
BlueAmaranth
did they go inside her condo
she literally just agreed to murder them two seconds ago
gellaho
just long enough to show the best technology 1994 had to offer
then they left
BlueAmaranth
only because quantum immortality is real and the book is following them to the AU where they don't get dissolved in her bathtub
gellaho
Then they get tailed for the fifth time. They loose the tail, and follow the guy back to an office. It goes as well as expected
gellaho
It's amazing that they recognized the gun as a police special, but couldn't put two and two together
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Strike force AZV
gellaho
So, you recognized them and knew their father. But still thought they were suspicious
BlueAmaranth
I'm sure "the police keep letting civilian teenagers in on their sensitive operations" is well-trodden ground, but Jesus
gellaho
Frank Dixon with the standard increasing, then dissolution of tension
John
Ah yes, customs. The people famously involved with games made in the country.
gellaho
Set up a mislead for ten pages that literally goes nowhere
John
Again, US Customs doesn't care about things smuggled out of the country.
BlueAmaranth
Lmao what if they were just like "yeah that makes sense" and went home and that was the end of the book
gellaho
THOUGHT CRIMES
gellaho
The endless tenacity of US Customs
BlueAmaranth
The idea of a deadly video game crime ring seems ridiculous but then again I guess there is real life organizated crime surrounding avocados and sand
John
Oh my god. Even fucking Joe knows this guy's job better than he does.
gellaho
This is how cranes work, right?
gellaho
BlueAmaranth
HAHA
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
PRESS X TO DO CRANE
gellaho
Joe has a weird idea of how the corporate ladder works
gellaho
The Hardys enter a completely automated warehouse. In 1994
gellaho
Willie, a huge nerd, goes off to confront a murderer alone
gellaho
The Hardys play frogger
gellaho
And then dominoes
gellaho
The police just show up
gellaho
This book is all about crushings
gellaho
The criminal tries a very stupid ploy
gellaho
Joe, the moron, falls for it immediately
gellaho
It's time for the weekly Joe explosion
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Frank is an expert identifying types of terrorist plastic explosive by sight.
BlueAmaranth
hahaha oh my god
they could have just made it blow up immediately but instead they made it only blow up if he sucks at the game
gellaho
You really should know by now that tension is nothing
BlueAmaranth
he didn't even have to beat the game??? he just left????
gellaho
Do something clever? No, just wait for the game to pause
They have stopped to eat so much in this book
gellaho
You gotta love early 90s mainframes
BlueAmaranth
women only eat diet leaves
i can confirm that i've never consumed anything with a calorie in my life
also i assume "health salad" is a typo but it's also way funnier to imagine the author thinks there's a specific type of salad called a health salad
gellaho
You really want to make sure your fire system completely murders any humans in the vicinity
gellaho
gellaho
You know, the louvers. That word everyone knows
BlueAmaranth
if i had a nickel for every time i saw a work of fiction use the "kill them with the fire system" thing i'd have at least three
gellaho
thank god for louvers
The wire gag loses all power when you can just keep trying them
gellaho
And when Joe randomly guesses
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Must have been one of those old IBM model M keyboards. They could stop a bullet.
gellaho
Some dork would buy this if it were an indy game
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I'm pretty sure I've seen Indy games completely identical to that.
gellaho
Master criminal
gellaho
It's hard to recognize the man that hired you
gellaho
Seems legit
gellaho
The most effective anti-virus: counting lines of code
gellaho
As flawless as this plan sounds, I have doubts
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I'm pretty sure checksums had been invented in 1994.
gellaho
YOU? Accuse me of murder? I'LL KILL YOU!
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Oh shit were so red were purple now
Buckle up, chucklefucks
gellaho
Whoops, now it's just a hug
gellaho
I guess it's the uptight guy now
gellaho
This may be the weakest justification for murder I've ever seen
gellaho
WHAT ABOUT THE RULES!
MY DRESS CODE!
I HATE RAP MUSIC
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Do you think they hired the rapper from the other book?
gellaho
Oh, I wish
Getting Rapster Randy Rand in here? Awesome
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This guy has big 'flunked out of police academy' energy.
gellaho
NO GUM OR I KILL EVERYONE
gellaho
It's not often that I see the dumbest motivation of all time
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That sounds like one of those troll games that actively hate you for playing it.
gellaho
Jesus, that sucks
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Jack would later go on to design The Stanley Parable.
gellaho
Well, that's it I guess
gellaho
The Hardy Boys Casefiles #86: Virtual Villainy has been defeated
gellaho
that one was remarkably dull for that cover. And I didn't get to find out what 2:55 meant
Nevertheless, The Book Cage has been satisfied
gellaho
I'm 99% sure it was a countdown, but the book was more concerned about spreadsheets than VR
John
Thank you again @gellaho for suffering through this for us.
And for the record, I voted for the other book.
gellaho
The back of the book was a complete lie
It was very similar to the cartoon one, but with less kidnapping and murder
That cover deserved better, anonymous ghost writer
John
I'm glad we don't know the writer of this book. I hope he tells people he wrote a Hardy Boys book at parties, someone looks it up, can't find him, and they all mock him for the rest of the night.
Such a disappointment. So many computers and none of them even exploded.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
One did, but it had an actual bomb in it.
Which is inconsistent with Hardy Boys lore.
John
Yeah, a bomb exploded. You're supposed to infect the computer with an explosion virus in this universe.
gellaho
I love that Joe must endure at least one explosion per book
Because I hate Joe
Honestly, I've been a little disappointed in how well behaved he's been
John
He didn't even inappropriately hit on Amanda in this one
gellaho
It's much more fun when he's a raging psychopath
BlueAmaranth
the bad guy's whole thing was that he was murderously boring and yet his murders and murder attempts involved shit like taking control of heavy equipment to precisely fling cargo containers onto their cars, wiring explosives to arcade games so that dying in the game is dying in real life...
just seems very off-brand
he should have killed everyone with exactly two shots to the back of the head
John
You fit in so well here that I forget you've missed so many of these. This is, in fact, very on-brand for the Hardys.
BlueAmaranth
oh man
clearly i missed out on some real garbage not reading these as a kid
John
@BlueAmaranth
https://gellaho.com/book_series
BlueAmaranth
so which of these series is the worst
John
We love them all for their weird, bad quirks.
But probably Psi-Man
It has a guy who finds a dog and names him Rommel because of the lightning bolt marks on his forehead
gellaho
I'm way behind on the archives
TimeWars was the most boring
John
Also the main character is a psionic warrior who is also a pacifist quaker.
BlueAmaranth
wait that sounds amazing
John
Shit, I forgot about Time Wars
gellaho
Which is disappointing because of my love for Simon Hawke
gellaho
It's easy to
John
It's boring, but I'm most bothered by how much of a missed opportunity it was.
gellaho
I know TimeWars eventually gets dumb enough to be entertaining, but I have to read through them to figure out when that is
John
I think Psychodrome is probably the best of the stuff, but it's too dense and long to really work for the format we've adopted here.
gellaho
The 8th one has Dracula, werewolves, Sherlock Holmes, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Brahm Stoker, and HG Wells
BlueAmaranth
that is too many things
gellaho
But I gotta get there
John
All I'm hearing is that Alan Moore ripped off Simon Hawke when he created the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
gellaho
That's Simon Hawke, baby
BlueAmaranth
also if sherlock holmes doesn't have angry sexual tension with his creator i'm out
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
His new series also has most of those things, somehow
Except they're just Kirkland Signature brand versions of his other characters
John
Because Simon Hawke has never had an idea he isn't willing to reuse in every book for the rest of his life?
That's his Nysteel (c) guarantee.
BlueAmaranth
holmes/ACD and dracula/stoker double date
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
I love that he has a Big John character in the Robin Hood firm that's just a gay Ice
gellaho
Steele will always be my precious baby, but Psychodrome is the most concentrated entertainment
gellaho
He'll have sexual tension with something
BlueAmaranth
is it a dracula
gellaho
I refuse to speculate, Simon Hawke is unpredictable
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
There is sexual tension with a robot Dracula in the Case of the Artificial Vampire, yes
BlueAmaranth
amazing. i never would have dared to ask for it to be a robot dracula
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
The biochips allow it to power itself by drinking blood
obviously
gellaho
Simon Hawke wrote a Star Trek book and decided Bones should be the one with the steamy sexual affair
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I think I had the most fun dunking on Photon, so far.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Yeah I agree, photon has been a lot of fun
John
@gellaho I love that you own more Simon Hawke books than the entire Georgia library system.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That tracks. According to Dax he is a very generous lover.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Wait what are these hidden gems
gellaho
He's got the hands of a surgeon
gellaho
I own these
John
I can get them and find out
Never mind, of course you do
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahaha
gellaho
They are Shakespeare murder mysteries
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
The Merchant of Vengeance is amazing title
gellaho
There are four of them, he had to stop writing them because he had a disagreement with the publisher
Much like Steele
John
"No one will buy my Nysteel Gondolas. And for that they must pay!"
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Haha classic Hawke
gellaho
I have all his books except for the D&D stuff (because I don't care) and his movie adaptations which are hundreds of dollars
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
I don't know if I'll ever experience as much joy again as when he wrote himself into this last book as JD Masters
And then killed himself off a chapter later
gellaho
There's so much to get through, who knows what secrets lie within
Psychodrome III is the plan for next week, and I have very little idea what's in there
Gentleman Brendan
You ever just remember you hadn't listened to an awesome band in a year because there's so much out there?
I just had that but for the short stories of Alice Munro.
