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gellaho
Programming update: We will be reading Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #98: Murder by Magic tonight at 5pm
gellaho
gellaho
Here is the preview
Gentleman Brendan
The 2nd Amendment specifically says women should carry flamethrower soda to repel Hardy Boys.
If a woman is jumped in her dressing room and she doesn't spit fire at her attackers, society has the right to shame her. All of this is in your Bible (USAV)
Proxy: Not A Vampire
for a split second I thought that said "deadly Decepticons" and I was so into it
gellaho
You aren't excited by Legerdemania?
Possibly the nerdiest collection of letters possible
Gentleman Brendan
The Hardy Boys get into 90% of their mysteries by taking hired muscle gigs elsewhere.
"My father needs two 17-year-olds to escort a briefcase of diamonds. Help us, smalltown Long Island."
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
I thought she had like laser breath. Rad
Gentleman Brendan
"Yo yo yo! This is MC Meaty Ice! We're short two security guys at the arena! Straight up, WORD hire those Hardy Boyz! 290 lbs of sheer muscle."
gellaho
I've come to find out that a guy in the band Autograph was named Randy Rand
gellaho
We begin with Joe sizing up a new target
gellaho
Joe or Gob? You decide.
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
HOLY JOB
gellaho
Selina St. George and her bear. Fantastic naming, Dixon
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
Selina St. Dragon? The fuck is this, a One Piece character?
gellaho
You know any Hocus Pocus Harrys?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I feel pretty bad for that bear, knowing how circus animals are typically treated.
Gentleman Brendan
My brother is a property manager and I know, offhand, three reasons why this bear would never even come into the building in a cage, let alone out.
Honestly, magician hotel sounds kinda cool.
gellaho
But what if it was a magic theater, hotel, and museum?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I hope the bear leaves the building in a tiny car and its muzzle still wet with Hardy blood.
gellaho
I'm going to laugh at every Legerdemania
gellaho
Frank had a musician at his tenth birthday
Gentleman Brendan
Joe has obtained magic knowledge to impress magic girls.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
If a magician offers to perform at your child's birthday party for free, call the police.
gellaho
Basically
gellaho
Muscular Biff Hooper relentlessly harassed Heavyset Chet Morton
gellaho
Dr. Savant has some horrific crimes in his past
Gentleman Brendan
Just once, I'd like him to be introduced as their faithful friend who repeatedly risked his physical well-being in their adventurism Chet Morton.
gellaho
I guess if you are going to murder someone on stage in front of an audience, you might as well put on a show
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The only notes this ghostwriter got on Chet is 'fat'.
Gentleman Brendan
As the flames died down and the smoke cleared, the audience gasped. There stood Gideon, perfectly fine!
Greg
Not sure what's going on here but hell yeah! Burn! That! Gideon the Great!
gellaho
He just interrupted Dr. Savant to go onstage and say "I'm inn danger"
Large cardboard boxes, always just hanging out on stages
Gentleman Brendan
Again, property management would never let you do this trick.
gellaho
What a pleasant magic trick
Gentleman Brendan
You can't trick ol' Brendan, Gideon. You can only illuse me.
gellaho
Exotic Miranda Valentine
gellaho
I hate Gideon
Gentleman Brendan
Why do all of these characters have Playstation character names?
gellaho
Chet doesn't deserve love
Gentleman Brendan
"I heard that, Frank," boomed the unmistakably large voice of Chet. "Fuck you the next time you need a save."
gellaho
I'm guessing when you're 98 books into a series you start just using a thesaurus
Gentleman Brendan
@FancyShark is a missing limb tonight.
gellaho
Well, luckily a shark tank killed a woman
gellaho
So there's that
Frank thinks a magic show might just end with a corpse. Send em home sad, as they say
Gentleman Brendan
...is the shark okay?
gellaho
it's heading back to it's ancestral home: the deserts of Las Vegas
I imagine there are easier ways to kill someone
gellaho
Ah, the hypnotist is the brother of Gideon. What a creepy family
gellaho
The first time someone wanted to hire the adult
gellaho
I mean, they don't. But at least they brought it up
What you really want to do is snoop around a crime scene
gellaho
I think this guy might be going out of business because he hires enough performers to fill a 6+ floor hotel
Where each floor has at least 18 rooms
Maybe the worst hiding spot for a suspected murderer
Gentleman Brendan
Dr. Savant hypnotizes everyone into pornos and bar purchases so they make it back.
gellaho
How have they not found this guy
gellaho
Joe's going to summon pinhead
gellaho
What am I saying? He can't solve a puzzle
Kids love ax murder
Gentleman Brendan
PINHEAD KILLED MIRANDA
This Hardy Boys mystery is brutal.
gellaho
Just pulling ax pranks in a hotel hallway
Gentleman Brendan
immolation, shark drowning, ax noggins...
Maybe it's an asylum and they just tell everyone it's magic for their peace of mind if they have hallucinations.
gellaho
Frank doesn't understand these hu-man pranks
Gentleman Brendan
They're not jokes, they're ILLUSIONS
gellaho
Those damned reporters, willing to beat people with microphones
Gentleman Brendan
Look at this mob of well-heeled reporters.
gellaho
I decided my stage name should be dorky
Gentleman Brendan
It's just Masters. Actually my real name is Yermakov.
gellaho
"THE FUCK DID HE MEAN BY 'ROAD OF MYSTERY?'"
Gentleman Brendan
No smokebomb? What a lame trick.
gellaho
Joe's preparing to plant some evidence
gellaho
Oh, Joe, you tremendous idiot
gellaho
OK, a leprechaun just showed up
Gentleman Brendan
Trickle-down economics the REAL illusion here
I love how the book's trying to show Joe's ignorance through not understanding inflation but now he just looks like a Modern Monetary Theorist.
gellaho
The cavalcade of freaks continues
Gentleman Brendan
True story: I got off the bus in Dublin once and saw a little person who was, like...not OVERTLY dressed as a leprechaun, but only if he was very overtly dressed like a 1920s Irishman. I swear to God, he had a pipe.
I hope he was going to a well-paying job.
Like I hope however much is an acceptable level of pay to stand staturist bullshit, he was making twice that.
gellaho
There's the cover
Gentleman Brendan
Good, they deserved it.
Charging into a woman's dressing room like twin tornadoes of terrifying sex pests.
gellaho
This section confuses me. Did Frank get burned or not?
Gentleman Brendan
Definitely Shutter Islanding here.
gellaho
I'm sure her act is very culturally sensitive
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe has more experience with concussive blasts and wasn't prepared for an incendiary attack.
Gentleman Brendan
Frank, you've already been burned, might as well collect the caress.
gellaho
This is a level of confidence that I've never had
Gentleman Brendan
Chill out Hardy Bro, it's just a prank.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
If I heard two unfamiliar voices outside my dressing room talking about interrogating me, I'd Yoga Flame them as well.
gellaho
"I just wanted to be cool!"
Gentleman Brendan
Bullshit the Orientalist-garbed southern belle firebreather is prone to tears of guilt over a sunburn to an idiot charging her.
gellaho
Try harder, Jamie
Gentleman Brendan
HA HA HA HA
gellaho
Daughter of Jack Hardesty, Steele's chief
Gentleman Brendan
My name's Jamie Flamethrower...
and this is the story of how we saved America.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Of the Providence Flamethrowers.
gellaho
The Amazing Pyro. Also, the performers pay to perform at the festival?
gellaho
Lol, the performers have singled out the Hardys to prank
Gentleman Brendan
Seems more like buy a convention pass.
gellaho
I don't know if that's stealing, magicians
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
that's some shonen protagonist shit
gellaho
Joe's going to get in trouble for magic flirting
gellaho
I laugh every time
gellaho
You know what? Fuck it, bear attack
gellaho
This and Psi-Man. Things get dull? Throw in a bear attack
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Generally solid advice, but Dixon demostrates how to fail at it.
gellaho
You were a naughty bear, weren't you? Weren't you!
gellaho
The murderer must have started this prank war
gellaho
Hey there, lips, how are you doing?
gellaho
I love that this is just a thing in all these books
Gentleman Brendan
Jamie Flamethrower is the lesser-known follow-up to Chelsea Dagger.
Now I want a crouch-and-stalk game starring these two but their stats are different in case you want to maraud through the level as Jamie.
gellaho
Joe is confused as to why a woman wouldn't tell them about her past relationship with a possible murderer
gellaho
This is why there is exactly one magic act in Vegas
Gentleman Brendan
Who's Selina?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I think the killer might be an animal rights activist.
gellaho
Salina St. Dragon is the one with the bear
and the ridiculous name
Joe is hiding in a closet eavesdropping on her trying to get Dr. Savant to join her act
Then someone tries to stab him
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That's all we're told he's doing in that closet, anyway. We can infer the rest.
gellaho
Oh, sorry, he's in an iron maiden
But this author does not know what an iron maiden is
gellaho
Gotta build the tension in your murder attempts
gellaho
Joe then spends about twenty minutes getting out, by which point the murderer has just left
Watch out for any vehicles or computers, Vanessa
gellaho
There is no context for this. I have no idea what this means
Gentleman Brendan
The blade was sharp as a...nother blade.
gellaho
Very devilish of the murderer to have multiple swords
Gentleman Brendan
Vanessa St. Girlfriend.
gellaho
And now: A series on Chet being fat
gellaho
gellaho
Having fun, kids?
gellaho
that is fucking grisly
Gentleman Brendan
How dare you intrude on Gideon's pursuit of the ultimate rush?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Gideon found an even less safe way to do it than David Carradine.
Gentleman Brendan
"Magicians are not like muggles, my dear boy." Gideon's eyebrows waggled as the orbs beneath them slowly regained a unified direction. "For us, there can only be extremes. Orbis non sufficet. That's Latin. It mea--"
"I know what it means," Frank sighed. He had three years of Magic Club under his Yearbook photo.
gellaho
I hope you are ready for some hot Joe-on-Gideon action
Gentleman Brendan
Any other universe, they'd just be the creeps who broke into a woman's dressing room, than a man's bath.
gellaho
I don't know what the odds of survival are for a double suffocation is, but there you go
gellaho
Kids love suicide notes
Gentleman Brendan
Maybe the bag prevented water from entering his lungs the way the judge prevented justice from entering the Rittenhouse trial.
gellaho
Again, I don't think this counts as stealing
gellaho
If you improve on an existing idea, nobody considers that stealing
Gentleman Brendan
Everyone hated him because he didn't fall for our tricks and then tricked us with functioning versions.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This is just the magician version of killing your master in a duel.
gellaho
This book may have the fewest actual clues I've ever seen in one of these books
Gentleman Brendan
Actually David Carradine was killed by the mountain guy in Kill Bill for stealing his tricks.
gellaho
It's not going to end up being Gideon, but there has been nothing to suggest that. Other than that killing his assistant while he's performing on stage would be incredibly stupid
Gentleman Brendan
OR
the perfect illusion, Michael?
Everyone's looking for the distraction, Michael. They don't realize what they're seeing is EXACtLy what it LoOks LiKe.
gellaho
Oh, there's a rash of burglaries happening
Gentleman Brendan
Sweet kills though.
gellaho
Just out of nowhere
Gentleman Brendan
BLAME THE ITALIAN
ALL ITALIANS ARE THIEVES AND STAB-MURDERERS
Vanessa is the name of professional hot chicks in this time frame, I don't know if you all recall that.
gellaho
They would never blame Mr Pizza
Gentleman Brendan
Like you might as well name her Boobs Shinyhair.
gellaho
Biff is the counterpoint to their fat, overweight friend
Gentleman Brendan
When you think about it, burglary is really grand-scale magic illusion.
gellaho
Jesus, leave Chet alone
gellaho
Uh, oh. Joe solved the puzzle box
Gentleman Brendan
There's an actual timeline. Like every week of these boys' lives they solve a mystery and then they graduate.
Where's your boyfriend?
Breaking into a dead woman's private quarters.
gellaho
Frank believes this key opens the pirate chest in the shark tank
gellaho
And ludicrously, it does. But, oops, shark
Gentleman Brendan
How big is this tank?
gellaho
🤷♂️
Gentleman Brendan
How do they transport it? My God, leave the poor sharks alone.
John
It may not be our favorite, but at least a shark is joining us today.
Gentleman Brendan
I am a gentleman of culture. These hoi-polloi sharks do nothing for me. Fucking CULTURE, I say!
gellaho
Frank has a lot of time to muse on sharks
gellaho
Literally a bunch of teens
they just lift and move it
'cause water isn't heavy or anything
John
Frank: "Must...die...a.....dork...."
Gentleman Brendan
Cue the greatest moment in Walking With Dinosaurs
https://youtu.be/iUKBNeBVOQI?t=33
gellaho
The shark follows video game pathing
gellaho
This author decided Frank and Joe are the same person
Gentleman Brendan
Joe is wearing soggy Hanes and that shark ignored him
John
Hell yeah!
gellaho
No, Frank, just read it. The shark can't get you
Gentleman Brendan
The shark was an illusion!
gellaho
Are you shitting me? Newspaper clippings?
gellaho
Why would you lock up newspaper clippings under the watchful eye of a shark? Newspapers aren't exactly private materials
Gentleman Brendan
You don't can your newspapers after the week's harvest?
John
They have to find the second jar in another shark tank with the yarn and pushpins. Then everything will fall into place.
gellaho
Back to the snacking
John
There're like 8 different ways you can tell Joe's an idiot in those 2 sentences.
Gentleman Brendan
I am readily subscribing to the belief that the author just played Resident Evil and live-blogged their journey with Hardys inserted.
John
Microwave french fries?
gellaho
National burglary ring
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
microwave OreIda Fries were a thing for a few years
Gentleman Brendan
Burglars can't travel because they always return to the scene of the crime.
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
they had a special crisper tray and everything
John
I'm not questioning whether they exist. I'm suggesting only the saddest, most patheti....oh, I see my mistake
Gentleman Brendan
But what kind of person would conceivably TRAVEL for their day job cover story while also making things DISAPPEAR in burglary?
gellaho
Touring magicians and burglars? What is this, Now You See Me?
gellaho
Or am I the only person who saw that movie
I know nobody saw the sequel
John
I didn't see it, but know of it. I would love to find out the screenwriter stole the idea from this book.
gellaho
It had a very dumb twist and a magic carousel
John
Yeah, the FBI agent was behind it, or something stupid, right?
gellaho
It took a full ten matches to verify, eh?
gellaho
Essentially
Gentleman Brendan
Joke's on you. Kenny Loggins was using the exact same arena booking service.
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
that's the power of rootbeer
Gentleman Brendan
I'm drinking root beer right now.
gellaho
Oh, Chet, you food monster
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
You just reminded me I saw both movies but can recall nothing of either.
gellaho
In case you forgot, Vanessa has survived since the animation book
John
Frank and Joe eat every other page, but still find time to mock Chet between mouthfuls.
gellaho
Book 69 (nice)
which I think means there are definitely some books where the author forgot Joe had a girlfriend
Because I know Joe was hitting on that criminal record executive in Bad Rap
Gentleman Brendan
There's no such thing as animation in your spare time.
Not even now.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Dixon's ghost writers didn't share notes, and certainly weren't going to be arsed to read these.
gellaho
So much lip action
Gentleman Brendan
Honey, honestly, why would I be interested in a half-naked redhead who has tamed our most mystical element?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Hawke must have had to pay off a bookie or something if he was taking Hardy boys ghostwriting gigs.
Gentleman Brendan
So what if her nickname is "Hotlips"?
gellaho
Who would have guessed it was the hypnotist
Gentleman Brendan
Wait, this is one of Hawke's?
ah I see
The lips
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It's his tell.
gellaho
This is one of the few where I know
gellaho
The same guy who came up with Moe Nardy
John
The publisher I reached out to never gave me the list when I asked for all the ghostwriters.
gellaho
there are some listed on wikipedia
but not a lot
Gentleman Brendan
How many pseudonyms does this boss have?
He can kill a Hardy character like none other.
John
I said I wanted it for the series, they responded asking for the ISBN (as in from one book). I sent them the full list of over 100, and for some reason they didn't feel it necessary to get all that for me.
To be fair, I'd have told me to fuck off too if I was in their place.
gellaho
Yo, Frank, your evidence is terrible
John
"Look, proof that burglaries occurred."
"Goddammit Frank, you know those deputy badges we gave you in kindergarten aren't real, right?"
gellaho
Frank's favorite activity is showing up to the police without evidence and expecting them to believe him
gellaho
"Listen, I know you have evidence and a guy who repeatedly ran away from you and returned to the scene of the crime"
"But I have newspaper clippings"
Frank is so mad that the police chief expects hard evidence
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
You've done this 97 times before, Frank, what don't you understand?
gellaho
That's right, Chet, never forget that you suck
Derpbat
Has anyone since the 1970s ever referred to using a microwave as nuking something?
John
I hear it pretty regularly
Gentleman Brendan
Really calling out the Chet/Biff dimorphism.
Derpbat
Fuck you, Chet. They kept you, but they didn't keep John Lackley.
gellaho
Rick Oliver decided that he needs to repeat this several times
Gentleman Brendan
Look at those bastards, talking to each other like old friends.
John
"Wait a minute...this isn't real. It's an illusion! How could they lie to me?"
Derpbat
Really suspicious that the two men performing a trick that could go really badly if they don't trust one another are communicating in a way that doesn't damage the illusion.
Arrest them both.
gellaho
Joe is having a great time chasing this murderer
Derpbat
I'm pretty sure Frank spends 90% of his time in some sort of state of confusion.
I'd say Joe is being generous, but I think what he actually means is that for once Frank is more confused than he is.
John
"It sure would be nice to be prepared for facing off against a killer, but hey, I don't have explosion-induced genius."
gellaho
Get, burned, Dr Savant. With your "tiny gun"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe spends a lot of time in a post-concussion fugue.
gellaho
Joe is an immoral, we all know this
John
Leave that typo!
gellaho
That is also true
Derpbat
Hey, Joe is just as his God made him, mister. Out of spare Tom Swift and Bobbsey Twin parts.
gellaho
Joe is dumb, horny, and unkillable by human weapons
Gentleman Brendan
Classic X-Man right there
Derpbat
So... wait, Savant just happened to be carrying a tiny pistol that just happened to only hold two shots in a story involving the
GELLAHO GET OUT
THE CHARACTERS KNOW THEY'RE IN A BOOK
Gentleman Brendan
He's only alive when he's hunting Man.
Gentleman Brendan
MY GOD
Gellaho, it's a trap. Any page now they're going to turn to look at you.
gellaho
Frank's brilliant plan is to turn out the lights. It does not go great
gellaho
There have been no explosions, so I'm not sure this is actually a Hardy Boys book
Derpbat
The actual plan all along was between Joe and Savant.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Vanessa's room full of computer hasn't even exploded yet.
Derpbat
Savant was going to be allowed to get away with the money after he killed Frank.
So that Joe could finally be with his girlfriend.
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
this story could definitely use some dynamite
gellaho
Very uncommon for brothers to not attempt fratricide
Derpbat
Like, didn't Joe directly cause the death of his own girlfriend?
I'm pretty sure the Hardy Boys story ends with Joe causing Frank's death, too.
gellaho
Oh, there were plenty in book 69
Her house basically burned down
Gentleman Brendan
And thus began the schism that would eventually destroy the hardys
gellaho
Time to monologue
Derpbat
So, apparently in the Hulu series Biff is a girl.
Gentleman Brendan
Frank knew the words were designed to rankle him, and yet the bitter root of the poison tree had grown into the crack of his heart.
gellaho
Nobody really seems to be thinking anything through
Derpbat
Until I learned this, I had no interest in seeing the series, but now I'm genuinely curious how they handle the fact that the original character is essentially 'walking tree that owns dogs'.
I hope they kept that, but I know they can't have.
gellaho
Biff is barely a character in the books I've read
Derpbat
He's barely a character. He's athletic, in that he's strong and can take punishment, and he owns dogs. The wikipedia article sums him up better than any longtime fan of the series could.
gellaho
Chet is more of a character, and his only characteristic is that he's fat and everyone hates him
He did the Scooby-Doo line!
Derpbat
Harby Harby boooooo
ys.
gellaho
Good to know hypnotism is magical and real
Derpbat
I dunno. When I was really young my father got me an original facsimile of The Tower Treasure, which I read in like three days, and then I demanded one of the series on the back pages which apparently didn't exist, so for the next few years they gave me a lot of Hardy Boys novels for birthdays and things.
Gentleman Brendan
They're gonna play this hidden tape in court and it will end with the recording hypnotizing the entire courthouse.
gellaho
The ol' punchin' illusion
Derpbat
That... Frank, you're dead.
Savant shot you.
This is the last flickering of your conscious mind.
Gentleman Brendan
Okay, do we know for sure this book didn't coincide with S1 of Arrested Development?
Derpbat
Maybe you shouldn't spend it asking your stupid dream brother stupid questions that, even if this wasn't a dream, he would not be able to answer coherently.
gellaho
Jesus, Chet, have some self respect
Derpbat
...oh, hey.
@Seanbaby I guess we found a guy who that anime book could help.
Fuck, I think Chet could use... Godek....
🤔
Does anyone else see this or am I going crazy?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I like how they did a callback to the 'its not a trick, it's an illusion' bit after consistently calling them tricks throughout the whole book.
John
A fine edition of the book cage. Thanks @gellaho!
Gentleman Brendan
Chet eats to keep himself unattractive to Uncle Hardesty.
Wait
Hardy
Hardest-y
What happened to the Hardiers?
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #98: Murder by Magic
gellaho
Joe punched out Dr. Savant, the bear lady and Gideon ended up together, and then the book ended
Gentleman Brendan
No I mean the Hardier family
Wow, Jamie really can maintain a stream.
Like, the cohesive pressure on that jet stream
does...does the intake match the propulsion?
gellaho
Jamie Flamethrower continued performing magic. That's about it
