143: Nightfeeder Judith and Garfield Reeves-Stevens

gellaho

This shit is stupid

gellaho

That's not what imprinting is

Brendan

this guy's life sounds pretty sweet. Drinking on his lunch break, a nooner, fingertips stank with cash, AND too many eggs for breakfast?

gellaho

Then he tells that guy to run away

Tom strips for action!

"I see by the smell of your left shoe that you are a banker in love who eats too many eggs"

(Martin Freeman watches adoringly)

Brendan

This is the worst version of vampires. Just peeping toms.

gellaho

Then he goes to that fantasy tavern from the first book

And has an aggressive fist bump with a vampire lady

Brendan

This is DUMB

Vampires doing fistbump yak duels

gellaho

In comes lady Dennis Miller

Tom strips for action!

One of Stalin's speeches ended in a 45 minute fist bump because no one dared to be the first to stop

gellaho

Boy oh boy, this dialogue is tiring

Tom strips for action!

That well water is pretty strong stuff

gellaho

Denise Miller gives him some kind of a crystal

FancyShark

You know, if they wanted to reference Vlad the Impaler, they could have spelled Tepes correctly

gellaho

It's just a sequence of words spilling out into nothingness

Dyosy

What are the odds we find out vampires create new vampires the normal way - biting folks? I'm expecting to find out he's the last of his clan because he's stupid.

FancyShark

There is no way he's biting someone when his fangs are behind his other teeth

gellaho

Too irritated by "coldblasted shirley" to even start with "treaty horse"

FancyShark

Was skull supposed to be capitalized? Why is it shocking for a person to attack a skull?

Brendan

How does this book constantly overexplain teleportation or werewolves but not Random Magic Item or New Superpower?

This entire book is humans wrecking monsters' shit and the other monsters being like "Can a HUMAN do THAT?"

FancyShark

It's like they're trying to tell you their werewolves are legally distinct

gellaho

Because they couldn't be bothered to actually come up with a name for what Dmitri was

Brendan

Meddlesome little thorns, I squawk.

gellaho

Back to the dead child

FancyShark

We have spent more time on Ja'Nette's death than the last book did on Ja'Nette herself

Yes, preteen girls go nuts for Nelson Mandela

gellaho

Fucking weird

Brendan

Ja'nette looms large over our tale about a guy with a badass name who hunts monsters.

gellaho

Martin and Galen Sword talk around each other for several pages

Tom strips for action!

So is ja'nette getting resurrected somehow?

gellaho

It's riveting stuff

Brendan

'90s nerds like "I paid for monster murder, not a guilt-wracked, grieving foster father."

Tom strips for action!

Is that why they're continuing to hammer the point?

Tom strips for action!

"One cycle time it take beat Majora's Mask on Nintendo Six Four. Only good thing Second World."

gellaho

Galen goes back to his apartment where a reporter from the last book has broken in and taken a shower

Tom strips for action!

"...Martin never beat. Face in sky destroy Termina. Very bad. Martin halfling, can't beat second dungeon."

FancyShark

Who doesn't love putting on blue jeans before they're completely dry from the shower?

Tom strips for action!

Oh yeah there was a reporter. Ok good for her

Brendan

Movies and books written by men always want you to think one day you can just come home to your very own Esquire girlfriend self-delivered.

gellaho

That doesn't go anywhere

Onto the paraplegic

Tom strips for action!

That's quadriplegic

Minus that one finger

FancyShark

Does he still have the balcony to end it all?

Brendan

How are we STILL meeting characters?

gellaho

What if you're action story was just sad sacks feeling sorry for themselves

FancyShark

Then it would be on the CW and be in its fourth season

Tom strips for action!

We still haven't seen how this happened to Forsytr

gellaho

Thought I was going to be in trouble when the first 14 pages took an hour. Turns out, nothing happened in the next 68 so I'm good

Tom strips for action!

Even though the first book was 40% flashback

gellaho

That's how science works

Brendan

What are you talking about, this is the best Metallica song

Tom strips for action!

Wooo Forsyte flashback

gellaho

What does Judfield think Kodak does?

FancyShark

Fingers crossed he slipped on one of Swords hot wheels cars on the stairs

Tom strips for action!

Let's see Galen Sword reduce this genius Adonis to a cranky head in a chair

Brendan

I go for a run and my entire brain is like "pothole, curb, tree, car..." instead of writing. This guy rides horses while building hyperspheres in his h--ohhhhh that's why the horse threw him.

FancyShark

Sure, go ahead and mention Hawking by name, Genius Scientist Paralyzed Except For A Finger

Tom strips for action!

Hawking was also paralysed hunting werewolves but you don't see him whining about it

gellaho

They spend a lot of time writing about how smart Forsyte is

Brendan

Steven Hawking, Shiftform Hunter

gellaho

Anyway, he met Ko at some point which is not actually described

gellaho

And that's the end of the flashback

Tom strips for action!

We'll get back to it I'm sure

FancyShark

Next book

Tom strips for action!

All secrets will be revealed

gellaho

I think Judfield forgot they characterized Galen as a sensitive sad boy this whole

Brendan

Time to exit the library.

Enjoy your book, Third Worlders

FancyShark

We encounter plenty of characters we don't care about in Book Cage. But there's a type we get with books like this one where the authors seem to think they've created riveting stories and personalities and tease out bland information. And it's just impossible to reach the author and tell them to fuck off

TAKE CARE, @Brendan !

gellaho

They're taking Ja'Nette's body through a fantasy portal somewhere below central park

FancyShark

Remnant: From the Ashes wasn't always this slow

gellaho

They either have or have not gone through a fardoor to a different dimension

FancyShark

The hairsplitting on this world lore is very frustrating

Tom strips for action!

Sword's continuing scepticism of Ko's scepticism sure is compelling

gellaho

MORE PROPER NOUNS! MORE!

Tom strips for action!

Anyway let's get to the bit where a mysterious crystal brings Ja'nette back to life unexpectedly

FancyShark

It doesn't repair her. She immediately re-dies of her wounds

gellaho

Shut the fuck up

FancyShark

I'm going to get so much mileage out of this gif

Just in this one book

gellaho

Stop trying to write science, Judfield

FancyShark

"I know a lot of bugs. So this is foreign."

Dyosy

I've known people like this that considered themselves scientists. They all flamed out before finishing undergrad.

Tom strips for action!

did these authors write a couple x-files episodes or something similar?

gellaho

These two are incredibly bad at describing things

FancyShark

Pick a lane, Judfield

gellaho

And now, things just sort of start happening

gellaho

Random things

gellaho

Unexplained things

gellaho

Wheeeeee

FancyShark

Speaking of there being nothing

gellaho

Sword doesn't get a light show

Dyosy

They only swarm around people with personalities.

gellaho

Then it's the dead child's turn

gellaho

They're just kinda going with this

FancyShark

This child has been dead for less than a day. You are not earning your Contact moment, Judfield

gellaho

Ahuh

FancyShark

Ja'Nette went anime

gellaho

What a fun funeral

FancyShark

At my grandma's funeral, we just listened to songs she liked

gellaho

Storytelling: have your stupidest character know everything, but refuse to explain anything or talk in complete sentences

gellaho

FancyShark

"Lights Valkyries but for squares"

Dyosy

"What if, way too much exposition, but only expressed in the most irritating way possible?"

"BRILLIANT! Write that down!"

gellaho

Sword sad he didn't get menaced by eldritch fairies

gellaho

Orion shows up at the loft

FancyShark

Go get a sunlamp. He'll yell at it for hours

gellaho

You'll never guess, but they have a long, circular conversation before "Ryan" is invited in

gellaho

Is the invitation necessary? Who knows

Dyosy

The way they describe people's ethnicity is... uncomfortable

gellaho

He's got a coke finger

FancyShark

DO

SOMETHING

Dyosy

YOU WILL READ MORE ABOUT THE DEAD KID AND LIKE IT

gellaho

This conversation is loooooooooooong

FancyShark

You know, Orion, you could just kill them

gellaho

Chapter 11 is a long therapy session between the crew where Forsyte insists on being in charge despite, you know, not being able to do anything

Dyosy

That is definitely what I expected from this book based on the cover.

gellaho

Chapter 12 he goes and talks to his reporter lady friend

Orion laboriously exits his techno-coffin

FancyShark

hahahahaha

He has bombs laced around the coffin

gellaho

I thought the first book was bad with it's constant flashbacks, but the middlle of this thing is a wasteland

He's got ancient vampire memory loss

gellaho

gellaho

Straight up Men in Black stuff here

Dyosy

Also, I must stress, a key aspect of VtM.

gellaho

I don't even know anymore

gellaho

Why.

gellaho

Why would there be a baseball treaty

FancyShark

Judfield got distracted by TV, I guess

Dyosy

We'll know for sure when they introduce the character Yan'kii

gellaho

Clothes!? The very idea

gellaho

There's no clothes treaty!

Dyosy

Wait, is Orion dressed? Do First World people not wear clothes?

Was Orion up in that pub earlier just hanging out au natural?

gellaho

Just Martin. He's feral

Orion spends a lot of time smelling and listening trying to figure out everyone's deal

gellaho

Which we already know, so that's great writing

Despite the long therapy session, the crew continues to annoyingly bicker

gellaho

Oh, and the lady reporter disappeared at some point

FancyShark

oh no

not her

gellaho

Turns out Galen sent her off to investigate the blood bank

FancyShark

hahaha

Orion, you're somehow worse at this than they are

gellaho

Naturally, this is interrupted by Martin screaming about the Ultimate Warrior

gellaho

And dressing like Hulk Hogan

gellaho

Because Judfield are a master of tone

FancyShark

I now regret laughing

gellaho

Then immediately attacks Orion

FancyShark

Again, you don't have to give us your special version of something everyone knows about, Judfield

Although that joke kind of lands

gellaho

Then the fight sort of just turns into a magic trick

gellaho

Then Ko decides to fight for some reason and breaks her arm in the process

gellaho

I don't know how

Dyosy

So he like twists her arm back, her shoulder cracks, then she's holding her arm?

Man, they're talents for writing action scenes are something else

gellaho

Then Sword activates an ultraviolet light trap thing

gellaho

Which he didn't use earlier

Because, uh

Uh

I actually don't even know why this is happening in the first place

Orion's having fun

FancyShark

Years of yelling at the sun have finally given Orion the Coppertone perk

gellaho

Why even fight in the first place

Dyosy

Wouldn't it make more sense to use a broad spectrum range instead of a narrow one? It would probably be easier too! It's not a laser, it's a flood lamp.

gellaho

And back to talking

FancyShark

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

gellaho

And bickering

Dyosy

I was wrong. I want the action scenes back. At least then I felt something.

gellaho

And now Sword has psychic powers

gellaho

They just had this conversation

FancyShark

IT'S STARTING OVER

I can't tell if Judfield has no faith in the audience or no confidence in each other

There is no world in which this much table setting is needed

gellaho

And I guess the vampire is in charge now

Dyosy

But why?

FancyShark

Thralls?

gellaho

An excellent question

FancyShark

Inability to explain?

gellaho

Who could say

So, we'll stop here for now

FancyShark

Fair enough

We partly did it!

gellaho

I've got a real decision as to whether or not it's actually worth it to finish this

FancyShark

Hoo boy

gellaho

It's been downhill since page 14

FancyShark

Not even the French books got that dire

Regardless, thank you, @gellaho !

gellaho

Oh, and thanks to @Fatamatician: The Curator for sending me this

FancyShark

Hell yeah

Thank you, @Fatamatician: The Curator !

Have a good night, everyone!

Fatamatician: The Curator

Glad I can contribute.

gellaho

Having read the remaining parts of Nightfeeder, I have decided to skip the remainder of the book. Essentially, nothing else happened in the rest of the book. In some ways, the plot regressed further back than the first book.

If you care to know what happened:

It took them 60 pages to actually enter the vampire blood bank. They don't actually find anything there, and somehow end up near the top of a skyscraper... somehow.

They go a secret passage at the top of the skyscraper, ending up in a monster lab.

In that lab, all their enemies are conveniently located: 1. Orion's hated vampire rivals, 2. Two Nordic adepts who paralyzed Forsyte (we don't find out how or why). Also, the lady Galen sent to investigate.

They lug in Martin's dad and use his blue magic with red crystals to open a time portal, bringing back the two evil shifter leaders that were killed in the last book, making that whole adventure pointless.

Dmitri the evil skeleton man just shows up, also making that pointless.

They blow up the monster lab, but everyone gets away: the bad guys from the first book, the evil leader vampire, the two evil adepts, Martin's dad gets lugged away, and Dmitri. So, I struggle to see the point.

Oh, and Galen's lady friend had her blood drained, turning her into a mindless golem.

And all the characters were hateful, annoying, and bickered the entire time. F-.

I will share the two funny things that happened: 1) vampire shiruken

FancyShark

Thank you for falling on that grenade. That was a new level of bad for the Book Cage

FancyShark

fffffffffffffffff

gellaho

2) When the two evil adepts fly away, their hair turns into lightbulbs

gellaho

gellaho

And that's it

gellaho

Fenton's former partner is a muscular black man

FancyShark

We better get descriptions of lats

FancyShark

lol

Schlessel (they/them)

just like me fr

jakesy, the faithless

Ok that's hilarious as a non sequitor

Tom strips for action!

Hm I thought Janette being resurrected was a pretty safe bet

If for no other reason than I didn't think the authors would waste so much effort making a mysterious backstory for a character and then killing her off for nothing