GDC
The passengers are numb to the splattered remains on the front of the train
144: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #5: Edge of Destruction Franklin W. Dixon
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Dealing with the underworld is deadly business.
Archive
Areze
"Good riddance"
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Frank I think if the train had hit Joe you'd be seeing some evidence of it
rooster
Joe is dead, the end
FancyShark
Joe was saved by some rad turtles
rooster
The rest of the story is about Frank finding a way to bring him back to life
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Immediately revealed that he's fine
FancyShark
Hi, @rooster !
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
This ghostwriter isn't even doing the anticlimactic cliffhangers at the end of chapters
Just between paragraphs
FancyShark
Amateur
Areze
"No, but I am a gooner"
"haha, that's why your hand is sticky!"
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They even did the dumb old "it's like I can still hear his little voice" trope
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
What luck
FancyShark
Not under the train, but close enough
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Frank, you are currently walking on subway tracks
GDC
He's found a CHUD jackoff closet
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Beep boop
GDC
data banks is a phrase that was only ever used in 50s-60s science fiction
Areze
kiss my data banks Joe
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Sounds like a party
FancyShark
"Draw dicks on his face?"
"Draw dicks on his face"
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Let the old man be kinky in peace
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Ok so I figured the big fat videotape guy would be a red herring but it seems they really did just find the lair of this godlike virus master
Areze
TOLD YOU. Weird porn
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So then why did they buy extremely rare videotapes that are only sold in one store and send it with proof of their crimes to a police chief
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
I don't know why you'd make a little pervert camera hole for your hostage tapes, but that's just me
Areze
Weird. Porn.
GDC
Look, perverts have traditions
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
I think you may be overestimating how much people paid attention to VHS brands
GDC
Non-video perverts, anyway
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But it's still a hack lead because in that case the kidnappers did that by accident which would be super unlikely and convenient
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
That's great security. If you want, like a couple of hours of video
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
GDC
is it tape or film? Does the ghostwriter know there's a difference?
Areze
The ol' Marble Hornets special, I see.
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
That's not how people talk, ghostwriter
GDC
stop trying to make 'stripped for action' a thing, Joe.
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Not much of a wait on this stakeout
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Hey, it's the preview
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Haha wait I said "strip for action" earlier as a joke!
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
And, now it's page 48. Which means I can start trying to figure out what these notes on the inside cover mean
GDC
Page 48 does feature action?
In the sense that it features "action?".
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
I features karate
GDC
They've heroically concussed a homeless guy trying to take a leak
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Then they get clubbed to death
Areze
the end
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
action?
Time for your lobotomy
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FancyShark
"Hello, skull pain, my old friend"
GDC
Joe doesn't get a head injury until chapter 5? They took their time
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Oh, yeah. That's a VHS pervert
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
GDC
These days this guy would have a Youtube channel with 25 subscribers
Areze
million
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"grrr we hate you Hardys"
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
And their business casual associate
FancyShark
Sounds like a NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRD
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Oh, what a hilarious sitcom mixup
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Oh it's just like that new hit film
Um I forget what it's called but it came out on netflix over Christmas, the one where a tsa agent is a big hero and definitely super competent
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Oh, yes. Fantastic
GDC
Punks are armed, definitionally.
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Your unhinged rage has moved me
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He's being remotely held hostage and ordered by a terrorist to let a bad guy with a bomb through security, but halfway through discovers that the bad guy with the bomb is a hostage too. That was my only point, the movie was pointless copaganda and a bit boring
GDC
I can't believe I was right about Joe beating up a homeless guy
Actually that's not that unbelievable
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Anyway Hardys strip for action again
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
The terrorists invade this lovefest
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
That does not really help this situation at all, but sure
FancyShark
The fakest name yet
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Dum-dum bullets
Areze
Mike Hawk, at your service
GDC
the smart-smart bullets would have no effect on the Hardys
Areze
those are actual things, tho, iirc
basically old-timey hollow points
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Off to the sewers, where they are rescued by... something
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Did the gunmen just forget their secret hideout is in the subway
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
God will not let the Hardys die, their divine work on this Earth is not yet complete
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Oh stormwater, not trains
Ok that's more forgivable I guess
GDC
Those goons are going to emerge from the river a pincushion of used syringes.
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Well I sure hate that
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
And thus, having preserved the boys, the Lord returneth the Sun
GDC
Wait Jones doesn't actually live in the sewer? Fucking tourist.
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Jones' buddies are ninja turtles, apparently
FancyShark
hahaha, called it
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Vast network of chuds
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
"I got real depressed when my family died, so I decided to live among the molemen"
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
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This dad hostage story is losing focus a bit
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
A five month long campaign against the molemen
FancyShark
Fenton's in a back closet with some exercise equipment and a stack of old magazines
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Because, as we all know, US law no longer applies below the surface
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
The underground is lawless country
Didn't think I'd ever see the word "lynch" in a children's book
FancyShark
How can they lynch him? Sewers don't have trees
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
I feel like that might be the first thing you'd check
FancyShark
Hell yes on the new title, @Tom strips for action!
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Silly shark. Any hate-fuelled extra-judicial killing is a lynching! Why, you could lynch someone with a brick, a broken bottle, even your bare hands!
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
What the fuck is happening
FancyShark
This feels like a more extreme version of slobs vs snobs
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Then they pull the man deep into the depths of moleman country
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Remember when the Hardys' friend's dad got framed for financial crimes and they spent the whole book embedding themselves in a semi-related human trafficking operation? This underground war is starting to feel like that
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
MUST CONSUME
FancyShark
That sounds heavenly right now
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Somebody needs to tell Joe about Sbarro
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
They decide to abandon this whole thing and rummage through Fenton's files back home
FancyShark
Joe, you're in New York
Dyosy
Why would you ever tell someone about Sbarro except as a warning?
FancyShark
Oh wait, I guess they're not in New York
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Wish for more pizza, Joe. Bigger slices is just the same pizza cut fewer times
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Turns out these two guys also want Fenton's files
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
That decided not to crop, but whatever
FancyShark
"One false move and I'll beat you to death with this silencer"
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Then Momma Hardy walks in with her own gun
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
The book's already off the rails, so it's just going to keep going
FancyShark
Fuck yeah
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Haha why were they gonna execute the Hardys though
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
That is oddly specific
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That is a good thing
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Don't you hate it when your mom starts nagging you about your connections with armed burglars?
FancyShark
S-sure
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She turns the gun on her boys. "All right now open those files!"
FancyShark
Mrs. Hardy often speaks to her sons with a gun in hand
FancyShark
MOMTRAYAL!
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
That last paragraph could go anywhere in any book
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"good thing you installed a kill switch on Mom in case she ever betrays us, Frank," Joe said.
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Momterrogation
FancyShark
Laura's going to turn those guys into furniture
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Then they all go to bed with two guys tied and gagged in their basement
FancyShark
"I'm going to put a bullet in each of the intruders' legs, just so I can leave the windows open. It's nice tonight."
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Once going over Fenton's files, they find out their enemy
Jabba the Hut
Dyosy
She's definitely more casual about hostages than I would expect.
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"boys, one of the intruders broke a plate. Reassemble the pieces to see if he kept a shard."
PhysWiz vs Pantless Ice Man
Is it just me, or is each new character fatter than the last?
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
I can't imagine where a mob boss who's been in prison could find crooks
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Trask is a good villain name
Credit where it's due
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
The mafia versus the molemen
FancyShark
The mob has guns, numbers, connections and years of experience
Tom strips for action!
Fighting the molemen for control of the underground sounds more like an urban fantasy plot though
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Does this ghostwriter think that when you get fired you are sentenced to living underground?
FancyShark
The molemen have a cardboard box
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Yeah the homeless network needs some druids or something to even the odds
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Into computers, if you know what I mean
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
"Like your access to the surface world"
GDC
"There's this new startup out west called Micro-something. Maybe send them a resume?"
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Try harder, ghostwriter
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
OK, no. For real, what's his name
GDC
Helmut Von Reich is one of the Red Skull's lesser known associates.
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Ok there's the guy who invented these perfect super viruses
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Then two fake cops bust in and delete all the data
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
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But he's a fraud, which furthers my case that Virus A is fake
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
"We'll rub one out... real soon"
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Mama Hardy drives a Sherman tank through the wall
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
The ghostwriter discovers irony
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Look at all this BEEF
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Who would have thought when Frank randomly mentioned the idea of mysterious unmapped tunnels under the city, that would be the ENTIRE plot
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Don't jerk yourself off too hard, ghostwriter
GDC
I think we've found the ghost writer's self-insert
Tom strips for action!
Even his head looked like an enormous muscle!
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
He stood before the two teenage boys, fully erect
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I am once again called upon to reference the bit in Red Dwarf where genetically engineered humans a created to make professional sports more interesting. There are boxers whose heads are solids slabs of muscle and bone because their brains are all below the belt, so they can punch each other for hours
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
I bet the kids both loved and understood this joke about central casting
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
That second noted page in the front of the book was 100, I'm not sure what grabbed the previous owner's eye. Maybe the children bring threatened with needles
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"I'm a bad guy, you see."
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Cue up Metallica's "One"
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Except, no he's just tied up and Frank gets him loose
GDC
The ghostwriter saved money by having all the action take place off screen
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Luckily, Fenton's right around the corner, high as a kite
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Dundundun
FancyShark
Now make him eat the syringe
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I'm a genius
Now the only question is why was it in the story at all
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
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Ok seriously though do they explain why they ever did the virus A fakeout at all
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Classic Fenton prank
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Classic double Uno reverse
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@Van Winner, Gellaho Category I deserve answers! The people deserve answers!
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Mr Big Important Man
FancyShark
Trask calls his men. Laura answers and asks where he want the faces mailed
Tom strips for action!
Trask calls her. "Laura, let us be reasonable. Let us not resort to our baser instincts." Puts the phone down.
"What'd she say?"
"...Enough."
FancyShark
"I'm pretty sure I heard Eddie the Butcher pleading for mercy, but it was hard to tell over the sound of power tools"
Tom strips for action!
"so anyway we're holding the city ransom. You Hardys know the city, right? Can you call someone in the city and deliver our demands?"
"And yeah we made up Virus A for no reason but Virus B is totally real."
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
It's almost like giving him the syringe was a bad idea
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
And out he goes again
Tom strips for action!
Trask do you even know your own plan anymore
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Trask gives it to Joe for safe keeping
FancyShark
Within two minutes, everyone is dead and Joe has a broken test tube in his teeth
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
"Right up the ass, like we talked about"
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Gotta be an awkward meeting considering Peterson is running for mayor. Oh, and the virus
FancyShark
Trask
You had all of these people in one room earlier
Tom strips for action!
Could have easily accomplished the same thing without kidnapping Fenton or faking Virus A. Just send the tape explaining you have the deadly painful virus and you're gonna use it
GDC
I thought he wanted a ransom?
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
I don't think the current mayor and city council would be at Peterson's rally
Tom strips for action!
He wants a ransom for the city, not for Fenton
FancyShark
Trask is really winging it
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
"Then the Grinch heard a sound rising over the snow. It started in low. Then it started to grow."
Tom strips for action!
Please tell me Trask hired a shitty fraud doctor who lied about both viruses
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Then the phone goes out for no particular reason
GDC
The doctor you just drugged?
Tom strips for action!
He only had a tiny bit. "Thank goodness I only had a tiny bit," he said
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Adowable widdle secwets
Tom strips for action!
"Now that my plan has failed, I think I'll check on the doctor's progress."
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
You just can't trust frauds like you used to
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
What's the world coming to
Tom strips for action!
This is so dumb
FancyShark
He paid in bread and cookie dough
GDC
You fool, he was a doctor of pastry science
Tom strips for action!
Wouldn't you demand the doctor demonstrate the virus's effectiveness to you at some point
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Then the Hardys throw acid into the guards faces. The ghostwriter writes this incredibly bizarrely
FancyShark
hahahaha
Tom strips for action!
Isn't that the most tropey scene in these sorts of stories
FancyShark
Creating a pair of Two-Faces in the process
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Haha jesus ok guys
GDC
They either created Two Faces or Bebop and Rocksteady
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
But that doesn't really work
FancyShark
This is Fenton's wackiest prank yet
Tom strips for action!
Maybe Dr von Reich also invented these guards' guns
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Half of the people in that pincer movement turn out to be rival mobsters looking for payment
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
I guess they also know about the forgotten tunnels
Tom strips for action!
One thing they didn't know about... LAURA HARDY
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Trask's guards revolt and take his money
GDC
That seemed to have resolved itself without the Hardys help at all
Tom strips for action!
"you punks dare betray me? I'll have you killed by my punks ohhhhhhhhhh uh I'll kill you with my deadly virus ohhhhhhhh uh..."
FancyShark
This plan has gone past stupid and landed on sad
Tom strips for action!
Exactly as good as Raiders of the Lost Ark
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Trask then just forces them to a different underground headquarters
Tom strips for action!
Trask still thinks the virus works?
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
He negotiates $5 million of the money, which the city gives
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Negative
Tom strips for action!
What's he negotiating with?
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
The city doesn't know it's fake
Tom strips for action!
Oh right
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Trask decides to just skedaddle with the money and not pay anybody
FancyShark
I can't believe he's gotten this far
Good for him
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
The previous owner also liked this page
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Just those three pages filled with "action?"
I prefer the next page, where they try to chop Trask down like a tree
FancyShark
lol
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Karate!
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Joe tries a cartoon move
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
What's one more concussion?
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Fenton uses a gun as a weapon, but stupidly
FancyShark
Fenton going with the 1920s method of gun use
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
The moleman offensive has begun. I assume
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Fenton swears to take as many souls to hell as he can
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
FancyShark
Fenton hasn't felt this alive since the last time he pissed off Laura
Dyosy
I've been gone for the past 2 hours. I require no further context.
Tom strips for action!
"Let's see how well I can imitate Trask's voice," Fenton said. "DUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH," he continued.
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
The molemen do their best Jack Torrence
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
"I've started my own underground militia! Isn't that cool?"
FancyShark
"It sure was exciting! Bet you wish whoever wrote this could have talked about it!"
Van Winner, Gellaho Category
Meanwhile, Laura has entered a conspiracy with the Bayport police
