gellaho
Oh yeah
It begins
buckles machete belt on
What a missed opportunity to bust out our Machete Helmets
Hang on I’ll go get some helmets.
Machete murder
This is starting at a fancy party. Hopefully we get to Mexico sooner rather than later
Is this after Joe's gf gets carbombed?
guess not
Making sure we know he’s legal, nice
These descriptions are weird
I often, write like, this, too. But I have the good sense to fix it.
Frank is jealous.
The “Jungle Fever!” tag line just got a bit more ominous
Everyone is thin
How fuckable is this guy, Frank?
A twiggy bunch
Fuckin slenderman convention up in here
This was the dawn of the obesity epidemic. This scene could never arrive again.
These are written like it's the fifties
I need an escort for the thin scholarship party
THIN
I was in Cancun once and I met a late-20s(?) HS vice principal who took his senior class there each year and then abandoned them to do their/his partying. I learned a lot about Arkansas that night.
How thin were they, though?
Stephanie the model, weighed down by jade
I dunno I only met his fat ass smoking on the bus.
The Yin to the Hardy boys yang
This goes in a hilarious direction
Clint marking himself...for MUERTO.
Maybe eat something and you wouldn't faint so easily
hahaha
Fainted from hunger or the vapors?
If they ate too much though, they wouldn’t be able to fit through the 12 inch wide hallways at the Thin Mints Convention
it's not a convention, my darling.
Meanwhile, Joe is angrily jerking off to Car & Driver
They seem genuinely interested in stealing jade and eating disorders.
You don't say
Sure, that's something someone Frank's age would know
Frank might. He's Tracy Flick but for NARC stuff
Golly gee, my DARE officer says you can go to Mexican prison for even thinking about jade!
Conrado is Spanish for "with radness" and so far his life checks out
Not Professor Ortega!
Last we heard of professor Ortega, he said something about changing his name to Kurtz and going downriver to get to know the natives better
That's not the phrase Joe
Mexican trainburgers are a cultural delicacy.
They've gone to the antique store the rich guy bought the jade from in New York. They immediately run into the missing professor
from CA?
I honestly don't know where Bayport is
Long Island, mayhap
Shoot Joe first, don't make the mistake of talking
You are an amateur, child
Meet Treasury Department Agent Hunt Dicks
Am I to understand these ICE agents drew guns on children??
One of them is 18, perfectly legal to murder
Also the armed agents of the treasury department, somehow all my accounting classes glossed over that one
Secret government agency what now?
Secret Service was treasury
I must have missed "The Network" in the previous 60 books
Looks like my history classes glossed over that one
hahaha they booked a JFK hotel
commuting 3 hours RT into the city each day of their trip.
The 18yos led the mission on recognizance of their father
this is above skull & bones
The wanted man has been released into the custody of the high schoolers
Pre NAFTA
The Hardy Boys are the Jessica Fletcher of whatever universe this is, always being deputized into taking down criminals for one reason or another
Mostly because they happen to be in the vicinity
Gotta include human sacrifice for the kids
of course the mayans were savage, look at all this civilization they built!
Americans nervously silent.
I'm giving 50/50 odds the Hardys are dumb enough to buy into ancient alien stuff.
Make sure you include details of human horrors in your children's book
It's the Photon strategy
human sacrifice was not nearly as prevalent as this guy thinks it was
Oh, Joe. How I hate you
THIN
In Joe's defense, that is a description of Eva Mendes.
except for the personality, I mean. And Joe being a dick. I should have kept reading.
Joe really liked that Madonna line
In the '80s they would just tell you you were less important than other passengers.
Incel Joe over here
Much more violent than expected
Pretty girl make Joe angry!
"Burned her good, she's gonna think about that crack the entire time she can't get me out of her supple thoughts..."
Supple Thoughts is the name of my Art Rock band
I've come in a bit late but are they on a plane?
They were, then they got off and a professor got shot
And now Joe is going to run off the runway into the jungle?
clear sign the author has never been to south america
'cause you know, all those airports right next to the jungle
like it's a fucking jurassic park movie
Joe out here trying to commandeer a luggage cart
It's a good thing this gunman he's chasing only had one bullet
where are they exactly?
AMERICA
Cancun
Go to another country, shove people because you don't speak the language.
MARGARITAVILLE
Cancun is the worst portrait of Americans you'll find outside of institutional racism.
this book was totally the right choice
all aboard for casual racism
I love that he points out how shitty this dude's moustache is
Eduardo referred to Joe in the deferential formal conjugation. Was Joe wearing his secret society beret?
I mean the tag line on the back cover was literally “Jungle Fever!”
We knew what we were getting into here
of course it was
“Ah, right. The gun”
Good job Joe
This airport adventure is wild. Meanwhile, the professor is just bleeding out somewhere
This airport adventure is wild. Meanwhile, the professor is just bleeding out somewhere
It better be machete time.
where the fuck is security
there's been literal gunshots and a cart chase
Joe only comes alive when he's pursuing other races.
Security seems to be the luggage driver
Airports were basically the wild west, pre-9/11.
Eduardo chased down the cart on foot? I want to read HIS adventures.
White Privilege: The Young Adult Series
Oh, a fat guy with a sweet mustache? Now here's a character I can get behind
Guys I couldn’t find the machete helmets, but I found two “fun” helmets
How thin is the fat man?
I think the thing with the luggage cart is illegal though
Not to tell Diego how to do his job
jesus christ
Go to Mexican jail or back to States, hmmmm
“You broke the law, your choices are Mexican jail or free plane ride home”
I doubt the cop would have bothered with the plane ride and would have just stuck the kid in jail
Lol, he drops them off at their hotel
what an accomodating cop
"Now you kids have fun, and don't investigate any mysteries!"
Mexican-sounding songs in Mexico, eh?
What the fuck is a video taco
A weird thing about these Hardy Boys books is how the writer always tells you what they eat in detail
They just go to restaurants and eat. Nothing happens, and then they leave
Is a Video Taco like, slang for porno?
It's apparently a great Mexican restaurant in Mexico
Owned by Harry
that famously mexican name
Harry
"MEXICAN SOUNDING SONGS"!?
Holy crap it’s still around
He wants you to know they're THIN without telling you.
Must be good?
Oh right this is a 90s Hardy Boys. I was going to say, if this was a 30s Hardy Boys, I’m impressed.
They go to the hospital to visit the professor. Then two coincidences happen. 1) they run into the models again and 2)
That's maybe the laziest writing I've ever seen
Is this book abridged?
If it was, I would have cut the eating of the Mexican food
Stephen must be the most unobservant man in history
They could have all stayed in NYC for the same story.
Frank recognizes Joe's misogynistic rage
I imagine Frank’s POV has like, terminator scan lines.
There’s something weirdly methodical in his actions.
Could just be choppy writing.
This is the funniest thing I've read in a while
"HE CALLED ME MADONNA!"
the most 90's insult
More 90s than Beavis.
She gets called that a lot I guess
Now they're inviting the Hardy's to a party
I swear I'm not skipping anything
Now they're just going into stores and asking for illegal artifacts
Frank Hardy International Man of Mystery
This ends as well as expected
What's a slam-kick?
The owners of the store happen to know someone in the government
I’m having trouble figuring out which Hardy Boy I hate more.
Joe
The answer is Joe
It seems like it should be
But I have this animal’s sixth sense that’s making me want to shove Frank into a locker.
That agent happens to know the professor and just lets them leave
Be careful, he knows martial arts
that explains it.
Joe sucks but he feels like just kind of a lame kid. Frank feels like he’s got some unwarranted self confidence.
So, they get let go and go get something to eat
Speaking of which, any martial artists care to enlighten us about slam-kicks?
... like a push-kick?
...but...harder?
Or like a leg clothesline?
I’m going to assume it’s an axe kick
That's what I assumed
Okay, now I'm picturing Joe Hardy thinking he invented a bunch of martial arts moves, but they're all just axe kicks.
Now they are at the model party. I'm still not clear why they were invited there, but whatever
Hey man, axe kicks are like those 10% accuracy moves in Pokémon. I’ve seen a friend get his ass knocked out by one
Hair dye is one of life's greatest mysteries
Except in real life it adds the “exposed balls” debuff to the user.
I'm going to give your friend the benefit of the doubt and assume he was kicked by someone more competent than Joe Hardy.
Fair.
Regular REAL MEN like us don't understand you LADIES and all your FANCY SHOPPING COSTUMES
I need to add that my friend is 5’4”
How tall was your friend before the axe kick fell on his head?
5’2”
Looney tunes style lump formed
Keep it in your pants, Joe
Joe has a GF though
Frank has the girlfriend
I’m going to assume the hair color change is Jojo logic
Joe is the budding incel
after his girlfriend got blowed up in a car bomb
If one has a girlfriend they BOTH have her. That's the Hardy way.
I haven't read that one yet though
Joe has incel energy but Frank probably tells you what his Meyers Briggs test result is.
Consult your Secret Government Agency rulebook. Agents share everything.
Frank Hardy: INTJ
No, you should absolutely have called him a geek
Probably something worse
Joe missed his chance to tell her she looked like Madonna.
Joe is the worst
I should mention Frank and Joe are wearing identical Hawaiian shirts
Racecar spelled backwards is Madonna.
Joe enjoys her struggles.
Ronnie's never seen Magnum PI, I guess
Ronnie doesn't know who Madonna OR Magnum are.
IMPOSSIBLE.
Classic
FINALLY, a chance for Joe to shove a woman.
Clearly someone hasn’t seen Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers
Man, those Disney pulp adventure shows were fun.
Lol, burn
Sara is the girl from the antiques shop they tried to hustle
I didn't mention her name because I didn't think she'd randomly appear at the model party
Theme songs were all bangers, too.
probably because there was no reason for her to fucking be there
You're right. I'm gonna learn to play Tale Spin's theme.
There are 11 people in Cancun, and they all know each other of old.
Especially these models who are just visiting for a photo shoot
The coincidences keep on rolling
Joe is going to take the photos. This can only end well
Faces International is smuggling the pieces out on models as costume jewelry, Stephen is in on it, and hopefully this book overlooks all the quasi-human trafficking in the industry at this time.
And, what the hell, let's go back to Harry's Video Taco
Tome means “take” in Spanish, foreshadowing alert
"The boys ordered two tacos each, no more. They had to stay THIN."
At the photo shoot, Joe stumbles upon the Punji Pits
Why doesn't Frank just go do the shooting if he knows photography?
Hell, yes! I had been waiting for the classic Hardy Boys subversion of danger
I had to step away for a bit. Has the book made good on its promise of machetes yet?
not yet
Only stakes
The stakes are quite literally low.
Oh, do you think the gunman might be trying to kill you Joe? You dumb fuck
I hate you more than anything, Joe Hardy
Boy, I love how these books are written
Gasp Who couldst be!?
Next page: Oops
Why are the Hardy Boys in Mexico? I don't think anyone hired them. There's no way any locals would think these teenagers are here to do anything except commit crimes.
Sara the Cancun antiques dealer's last name is Archer?
She was born in Baltimore
For some reason I needed to know that
The Hardy Boys are basically just serial crime scene contaminators.
that is true
And real cops keep letting them hang around instead of arresting them for being so fucking annoying.
Keep your hands where I can see them, writer
I don't need this getting to Simon Hawke/Victor Milan levels of horny
Joe, the perpetually horny one, is upset he has to rub lotion on a model?
He really doesn't like women
Don't get me wrong, he absolutely hates women, but it seems like he'd like to touch them creepily.
santos tried to kill Frank but to torture Joe he makes him oil up 19-year-old swimsuit models.
DAMN THEM for tempting him with their DEVIL FLESH
Father says when Joe ascends to the 33rd degree of the Secret Government Agency, he shall be shucked of these temptations.
Till then, they must be expunged with flame.
@Old Man Brendan, congrats on cracking open the case earlier
The clues were both there.
I'm operating on 4 hours of sleep and booze, so I'm just along for this ride
Still too cognizant to be the third Hardy brother
Dean, the evil one.
Fucking, rock solid evidence
As opposed to the extreme Hardy boys, Matt and Jeff
Then there's Ydarh, the negative-universe Hardy Boy or else he is maybe from Wales.
Joe has decided that the cop is involved. As far as I can tell, there is no evidence for this
Ok, so there are only 35 pages left
I have been promised a pyramid shoot out and machete fight
I was promised jungle fever.
But how did they know Ortega would be at the airport?
Fuck if I know
They're finally at the pyramid to meet Alfredo Acosta
Alfredo Acosta is a guy who rented the professor his house, so they think he may have been involved in framing the professor
Somehow
This is very poorly plotted
It's happening!
I don't know how you can mistake a machete for a rifle, but whatever
IT'S HAPPENING
Goddammit, he already lost his machete
RIP Frank
Damn if that cover illustration didn't nail it.
Joe's wild accusation that the cop was corrupt ended up being correct
Remember when I said it’s weird the police let them hang around. It’s even weirder if the police are the bad guys.
Hoyil had no reason to keep the kids investigating him around and every excuse to deport them.
Now he will bury them
Luckily Ronnie randomly showed up to save them
Crisis and tension successfully averted
Now the rich dude from the beginning showed up
The rich guy is bad? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Isn't this the second time the hardies are trapped in a chamber only to be rescued before they run out of air?
There was a dojo safe
Yeah
That is true
This is wild
Now they're back in the shit.
So we're clear, the only Mexicans in this story who aren't doubly treacherous betrayers of their nation are the ones who grew up in America?
Joe Hardy: Mysoginist MacGyver
The popular culture really taught us some bad ideas about how men should interact with women.
These writer's ability to completely defuse tension is astonishing
You know, Chandler said if you ever write yourself into a corner just say "a man walked in with a gun."
I don't think those were meant to be the same moment though.
This is a cartoonish murder plot
If you put dynamite in the engine, the gasoline is just incriminating yourself.
Frank Hardy: master of bomb defusal
Or like...cut the dynamite fuse.
Frank has a long and pointless conversation before throwing away a bomb
It's just twine
wait they're in the ocean? Not on a dock? All he had to do was huck it? BOOOOO
OK, OK, OK. So. Conrado escapes on a dingy and races to his private jet
They're gonna Ben-Hur the runway!
And then Joe steals the same luggage cart
THE LUGGAGE CART STEALING WAS A SETUP FOR THE END OF THE BOOK
Even before 9/11, they would be so full of bullets if they tried this.
It's a wacky hijink
It's like training wheels Die Hard 2.
If you're white, you can do whatever you want in a foreign country
Like playing chicken with an airplane