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gellaho
A Serbian Fox
Oh yeah
It begins
buckles machete belt on
jakesy, peloton snack
What a missed opportunity to bust out our Machete Helmets
A Serbian Fox
Hang on I’ll go get some helmets.
Old Man Brendan
Machete murder
gellaho
This is starting at a fancy party. Hopefully we get to Mexico sooner rather than later
Old Man Brendan
Is this after Joe's gf gets carbombed?
guess not
jakesy, peloton snack
Making sure we know he’s legal, nice
gellaho
These descriptions are weird
gellaho
dr
I often, write like, this, too. But I have the good sense to fix it.
Old Man Brendan
Frank is jealous.
jakesy, peloton snack
The “Jungle Fever!” tag line just got a bit more ominous
gellaho
Everyone is thin
Old Man Brendan
How fuckable is this guy, Frank?
gellaho
A twiggy bunch
jakesy, peloton snack
Fuckin slenderman convention up in here
Old Man Brendan
This was the dawn of the obesity epidemic. This scene could never arrive again.
gellaho
These are written like it's the fifties
gellaho
I need an escort for the thin scholarship party
THIN
Old Man Brendan
I was in Cancun once and I met a late-20s(?) HS vice principal who took his senior class there each year and then abandoned them to do their/his partying. I learned a lot about Arkansas that night.
jakesy, peloton snack
How thin were they, though?
Old Man Brendan
Stephanie the model, weighed down by jade
I dunno I only met his fat ass smoking on the bus.
jakesy, peloton snack
The Yin to the Hardy boys yang
gellaho
This goes in a hilarious direction
Old Man Brendan
Clint marking himself...for MUERTO.
gellaho
Maybe eat something and you wouldn't faint so easily
Old Man Brendan
hahaha
Fainted from hunger or the vapors?
jakesy, peloton snack
If they ate too much though, they wouldn’t be able to fit through the 12 inch wide hallways at the Thin Mints Convention
Old Man Brendan
it's not a convention, my darling.
gellaho
Meanwhile, Joe is angrily jerking off to Car & Driver
Old Man Brendan
They seem genuinely interested in stealing jade and eating disorders.
gellaho
You don't say
gellaho
Sure, that's something someone Frank's age would know
Old Man Brendan
Frank might. He's Tracy Flick but for NARC stuff
jakesy, peloton snack
Golly gee, my DARE officer says you can go to Mexican prison for even thinking about jade!
Old Man Brendan
Conrado is Spanish for "with radness" and so far his life checks out
gellaho
Not Professor Ortega!
jakesy, peloton snack
Last we heard of professor Ortega, he said something about changing his name to Kurtz and going downriver to get to know the natives better
gellaho
That's not the phrase Joe
Old Man Brendan
Mexican trainburgers are a cultural delicacy.
gellaho
They've gone to the antique store the rich guy bought the jade from in New York. They immediately run into the missing professor
Old Man Brendan
from CA?
gellaho
I honestly don't know where Bayport is
Old Man Brendan
Long Island, mayhap
gellaho
Shoot Joe first, don't make the mistake of talking
gellaho
You are an amateur, child
gellaho
Meet Treasury Department Agent Hunt Dicks
Old Man Brendan
Am I to understand these ICE agents drew guns on children??
jakesy, peloton snack
One of them is 18, perfectly legal to murder
Also the armed agents of the treasury department, somehow all my accounting classes glossed over that one
gellaho
Secret government agency what now?
Old Man Brendan
Secret Service was treasury
gellaho
I must have missed "The Network" in the previous 60 books
jakesy, peloton snack
Looks like my history classes glossed over that one
Old Man Brendan
hahaha they booked a JFK hotel
commuting 3 hours RT into the city each day of their trip.
The 18yos led the mission on recognizance of their father
this is above skull & bones
gellaho
The wanted man has been released into the custody of the high schoolers
Old Man Brendan
Pre NAFTA
jakesy, peloton snack
The Hardy Boys are the Jessica Fletcher of whatever universe this is, always being deputized into taking down criminals for one reason or another
Mostly because they happen to be in the vicinity
gellaho
Gotta include human sacrifice for the kids
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
of course the mayans were savage, look at all this civilization they built!
Old Man Brendan
Americans nervously silent.
GDC
I'm giving 50/50 odds the Hardys are dumb enough to buy into ancient alien stuff.
gellaho
Make sure you include details of human horrors in your children's book
It's the Photon strategy
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
human sacrifice was not nearly as prevalent as this guy thinks it was
gellaho
Oh, Joe. How I hate you
Old Man Brendan
THIN
In Joe's defense, that is a description of Eva Mendes.
except for the personality, I mean. And Joe being a dick. I should have kept reading.
gellaho
Joe really liked that Madonna line
Old Man Brendan
In the '80s they would just tell you you were less important than other passengers.
jakesy, peloton snack
Incel Joe over here
gellaho
Much more violent than expected
jakesy, peloton snack
Pretty girl make Joe angry!
Old Man Brendan
"Burned her good, she's gonna think about that crack the entire time she can't get me out of her supple thoughts..."
gellaho
Supple Thoughts is the name of my Art Rock band
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
I've come in a bit late but are they on a plane?
gellaho
They were, then they got off and a professor got shot
And now Joe is going to run off the runway into the jungle?
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
clear sign the author has never been to south america
'cause you know, all those airports right next to the jungle
like it's a fucking jurassic park movie
gellaho
Joe out here trying to commandeer a luggage cart
It's a good thing this gunman he's chasing only had one bullet
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
where are they exactly?
Old Man Brendan
AMERICA
gellaho
Cancun
Old Man Brendan
Go to another country, shove people because you don't speak the language.
jakesy, peloton snack
MARGARITAVILLE
Old Man Brendan
Cancun is the worst portrait of Americans you'll find outside of institutional racism.
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
this book was totally the right choice
all aboard for casual racism
gellaho
I love that he points out how shitty this dude's moustache is
Old Man Brendan
Eduardo referred to Joe in the deferential formal conjugation. Was Joe wearing his secret society beret?
jakesy, peloton snack
I mean the tag line on the back cover was literally “Jungle Fever!”
We knew what we were getting into here
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
of course it was
jakesy, peloton snack
“Ah, right. The gun”
gellaho
Good job Joe
This airport adventure is wild. Meanwhile, the professor is just bleeding out somewhere
gellaho
This airport adventure is wild. Meanwhile, the professor is just bleeding out somewhere
GDC
It better be machete time.
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
where the fuck is security
there's been literal gunshots and a cart chase
Old Man Brendan
Joe only comes alive when he's pursuing other races.
gellaho
Security seems to be the luggage driver
GDC
Airports were basically the wild west, pre-9/11.
Old Man Brendan
Eduardo chased down the cart on foot? I want to read HIS adventures.
White Privilege: The Young Adult Series
gellaho
Oh, a fat guy with a sweet mustache? Now here's a character I can get behind
A Serbian Fox
Guys I couldn’t find the machete helmets, but I found two “fun” helmets
Old Man Brendan
How thin is the fat man?
gellaho
I think the thing with the luggage cart is illegal though
Not to tell Diego how to do his job
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
jesus christ
Old Man Brendan
Go to Mexican jail or back to States, hmmmm
jakesy, peloton snack
“You broke the law, your choices are Mexican jail or free plane ride home”
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
I doubt the cop would have bothered with the plane ride and would have just stuck the kid in jail
gellaho
Lol, he drops them off at their hotel
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
what an accomodating cop
gellaho
"Now you kids have fun, and don't investigate any mysteries!"
gellaho
Mexican-sounding songs in Mexico, eh?
What the fuck is a video taco
A weird thing about these Hardy Boys books is how the writer always tells you what they eat in detail
They just go to restaurants and eat. Nothing happens, and then they leave
A Serbian Fox
Is a Video Taco like, slang for porno?
gellaho
It's apparently a great Mexican restaurant in Mexico
Owned by Harry
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
that famously mexican name
Harry
"MEXICAN SOUNDING SONGS"!?
A Serbian Fox
Holy crap it’s still around
Old Man Brendan
He wants you to know they're THIN without telling you.
Must be good?
A Serbian Fox
Oh right this is a 90s Hardy Boys. I was going to say, if this was a 30s Hardy Boys, I’m impressed.
gellaho
They go to the hospital to visit the professor. Then two coincidences happen. 1) they run into the models again and 2)
gellaho
That's maybe the laziest writing I've ever seen
A Serbian Fox
Is this book abridged?
gellaho
If it was, I would have cut the eating of the Mexican food
Stephen must be the most unobservant man in history
Old Man Brendan
They could have all stayed in NYC for the same story.
gellaho
Frank recognizes Joe's misogynistic rage
A Serbian Fox
I imagine Frank’s POV has like, terminator scan lines.
There’s something weirdly methodical in his actions.
Could just be choppy writing.
gellaho
This is the funniest thing I've read in a while
"HE CALLED ME MADONNA!"
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
the most 90's insult
A Serbian Fox
More 90s than Beavis.
gellaho
She gets called that a lot I guess
gellaho
Now they're inviting the Hardy's to a party
gellaho
I swear I'm not skipping anything
Now they're just going into stores and asking for illegal artifacts
gellaho
Frank Hardy International Man of Mystery
This ends as well as expected
gellaho
What's a slam-kick?
gellaho
The owners of the store happen to know someone in the government
A Serbian Fox
I’m having trouble figuring out which Hardy Boy I hate more.
gellaho
Joe
The answer is Joe
A Serbian Fox
It seems like it should be
But I have this animal’s sixth sense that’s making me want to shove Frank into a locker.
gellaho
That agent happens to know the professor and just lets them leave
gellaho
Be careful, he knows martial arts
A Serbian Fox
that explains it.
Joe sucks but he feels like just kind of a lame kid. Frank feels like he’s got some unwarranted self confidence.
gellaho
So, they get let go and go get something to eat
GDC
Speaking of which, any martial artists care to enlighten us about slam-kicks?
A Serbian Fox
... like a push-kick?
GDC
...but...harder?
A Serbian Fox
Or like a leg clothesline?
I’m going to assume it’s an axe kick
gellaho
That's what I assumed
GDC
Okay, now I'm picturing Joe Hardy thinking he invented a bunch of martial arts moves, but they're all just axe kicks.
gellaho
Now they are at the model party. I'm still not clear why they were invited there, but whatever
A Serbian Fox
Hey man, axe kicks are like those 10% accuracy moves in Pokémon. I’ve seen a friend get his ass knocked out by one
gellaho
Hair dye is one of life's greatest mysteries
A Serbian Fox
Except in real life it adds the “exposed balls” debuff to the user.
GDC
I'm going to give your friend the benefit of the doubt and assume he was kicked by someone more competent than Joe Hardy.
A Serbian Fox
Fair.
Old Man Brendan
Regular REAL MEN like us don't understand you LADIES and all your FANCY SHOPPING COSTUMES
A Serbian Fox
I need to add that my friend is 5’4”
Old Man Brendan
How tall was your friend before the axe kick fell on his head?
A Serbian Fox
5’2”
Looney tunes style lump formed
gellaho
Keep it in your pants, Joe
Old Man Brendan
Joe has a GF though
gellaho
Frank has the girlfriend
A Serbian Fox
I’m going to assume the hair color change is Jojo logic
gellaho
Joe is the budding incel
after his girlfriend got blowed up in a car bomb
Old Man Brendan
If one has a girlfriend they BOTH have her. That's the Hardy way.
gellaho
I haven't read that one yet though
A Serbian Fox
Joe has incel energy but Frank probably tells you what his Meyers Briggs test result is.
Old Man Brendan
Consult your Secret Government Agency rulebook. Agents share everything.
A Serbian Fox
Frank Hardy: INTJ
gellaho
No, you should absolutely have called him a geek
Probably something worse
Old Man Brendan
Joe missed his chance to tell her she looked like Madonna.
gellaho
Joe is the worst
I should mention Frank and Joe are wearing identical Hawaiian shirts
Old Man Brendan
Racecar spelled backwards is Madonna.
Joe enjoys her struggles.
gellaho
Ronnie's never seen Magnum PI, I guess
Old Man Brendan
Ronnie doesn't know who Madonna OR Magnum are.
IMPOSSIBLE.
gellaho
Classic
Old Man Brendan
FINALLY, a chance for Joe to shove a woman.
A Serbian Fox
Clearly someone hasn’t seen Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers
Old Man Brendan
Man, those Disney pulp adventure shows were fun.
gellaho
Lol, burn
Sara is the girl from the antiques shop they tried to hustle
I didn't mention her name because I didn't think she'd randomly appear at the model party
GDC
Theme songs were all bangers, too.
gellaho
probably because there was no reason for her to fucking be there
Old Man Brendan
You're right. I'm gonna learn to play Tale Spin's theme.
There are 11 people in Cancun, and they all know each other of old.
gellaho
Especially these models who are just visiting for a photo shoot
The coincidences keep on rolling
gellaho
Joe is going to take the photos. This can only end well
Old Man Brendan
Faces International is smuggling the pieces out on models as costume jewelry, Stephen is in on it, and hopefully this book overlooks all the quasi-human trafficking in the industry at this time.
gellaho
And, what the hell, let's go back to Harry's Video Taco
jakesy, peloton snack
Tome means “take” in Spanish, foreshadowing alert
Old Man Brendan
"The boys ordered two tacos each, no more. They had to stay THIN."
gellaho
At the photo shoot, Joe stumbles upon the Punji Pits
Old Man Brendan
Why doesn't Frank just go do the shooting if he knows photography?
gellaho
Hell, yes! I had been waiting for the classic Hardy Boys subversion of danger
GDC
I had to step away for a bit. Has the book made good on its promise of machetes yet?
gellaho
not yet
Old Man Brendan
Only stakes
The stakes are quite literally low.
gellaho
Oh, do you think the gunman might be trying to kill you Joe? You dumb fuck
gellaho
I hate you more than anything, Joe Hardy
Boy, I love how these books are written
Gasp Who couldst be!?
gellaho
Next page: Oops
DeusExNonSequitur
Why are the Hardy Boys in Mexico? I don't think anyone hired them. There's no way any locals would think these teenagers are here to do anything except commit crimes.
Old Man Brendan
Sara the Cancun antiques dealer's last name is Archer?
gellaho
She was born in Baltimore
For some reason I needed to know that
GDC
The Hardy Boys are basically just serial crime scene contaminators.
gellaho
that is true
DeusExNonSequitur
And real cops keep letting them hang around instead of arresting them for being so fucking annoying.
gellaho
Keep your hands where I can see them, writer
I don't need this getting to Simon Hawke/Victor Milan levels of horny
DeusExNonSequitur
Joe, the perpetually horny one, is upset he has to rub lotion on a model?
gellaho
He really doesn't like women
DeusExNonSequitur
Don't get me wrong, he absolutely hates women, but it seems like he'd like to touch them creepily.
Old Man Brendan
santos tried to kill Frank but to torture Joe he makes him oil up 19-year-old swimsuit models.
DAMN THEM for tempting him with their DEVIL FLESH
Father says when Joe ascends to the 33rd degree of the Secret Government Agency, he shall be shucked of these temptations.
Till then, they must be expunged with flame.
gellaho
@Old Man Brendan, congrats on cracking open the case earlier
gellaho
Old Man Brendan
The clues were both there.
gellaho
I'm operating on 4 hours of sleep and booze, so I'm just along for this ride
Old Man Brendan
Still too cognizant to be the third Hardy brother
Dean, the evil one.
gellaho
Fucking, rock solid evidence
gellaho
As opposed to the extreme Hardy boys, Matt and Jeff
Old Man Brendan
Then there's Ydarh, the negative-universe Hardy Boy or else he is maybe from Wales.
gellaho
Joe has decided that the cop is involved. As far as I can tell, there is no evidence for this
Ok, so there are only 35 pages left
I have been promised a pyramid shoot out and machete fight
A Serbian Fox
I was promised jungle fever.
Old Man Brendan
But how did they know Ortega would be at the airport?
gellaho
Fuck if I know
They're finally at the pyramid to meet Alfredo Acosta
gellaho
Alfredo Acosta is a guy who rented the professor his house, so they think he may have been involved in framing the professor
Somehow
This is very poorly plotted
It's happening!
gellaho
gellaho
I don't know how you can mistake a machete for a rifle, but whatever
IT'S HAPPENING
Goddammit, he already lost his machete
gellaho
RIP Frank
Old Man Brendan
Damn if that cover illustration didn't nail it.
gellaho
Joe's wild accusation that the cop was corrupt ended up being correct
DeusExNonSequitur
Remember when I said it’s weird the police let them hang around. It’s even weirder if the police are the bad guys.
Old Man Brendan
Hoyil had no reason to keep the kids investigating him around and every excuse to deport them.
gellaho
Now he will bury them
gellaho
Luckily Ronnie randomly showed up to save them
gellaho
gellaho
Crisis and tension successfully averted
gellaho
Now the rich dude from the beginning showed up
gellaho
The rich guy is bad? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Old Man Brendan
Isn't this the second time the hardies are trapped in a chamber only to be rescued before they run out of air?
There was a dojo safe
gellaho
Yeah
That is true
This is wild
Old Man Brendan
Now they're back in the shit.
So we're clear, the only Mexicans in this story who aren't doubly treacherous betrayers of their nation are the ones who grew up in America?
gellaho
Joe Hardy: Mysoginist MacGyver
gellaho
Old Man Brendan
The popular culture really taught us some bad ideas about how men should interact with women.
gellaho
These writer's ability to completely defuse tension is astonishing
Old Man Brendan
You know, Chandler said if you ever write yourself into a corner just say "a man walked in with a gun."
I don't think those were meant to be the same moment though.
gellaho
This is a cartoonish murder plot
Old Man Brendan
If you put dynamite in the engine, the gasoline is just incriminating yourself.
gellaho
Frank Hardy: master of bomb defusal
Old Man Brendan
Or like...cut the dynamite fuse.
gellaho
Frank has a long and pointless conversation before throwing away a bomb
Old Man Brendan
It's just twine
wait they're in the ocean? Not on a dock? All he had to do was huck it? BOOOOO
gellaho
OK, OK, OK. So. Conrado escapes on a dingy and races to his private jet
Old Man Brendan
They're gonna Ben-Hur the runway!
gellaho
And then Joe steals the same luggage cart
THE LUGGAGE CART STEALING WAS A SETUP FOR THE END OF THE BOOK
DeusExNonSequitur
Even before 9/11, they would be so full of bullets if they tried this.
Old Man Brendan
It's a wacky hijink
It's like training wheels Die Hard 2.
gellaho
If you're white, you can do whatever you want in a foreign country
Like playing chicken with an airplane
DeusExNonSequitur
This is like the third time Frank got killed. He was hit by a plane! The editor must have had to keep removing Frank’s deaths.
gellaho
It all worked out in the end
Old Man Brendan
Frank respawns because Joe is an angry god.
DeusExNonSequitur
Thank God the American police are here to arrest these guys for their Mexican crimes.
gellaho
And with this wacky airport crime, we end the book. Joe and Ronnie would never meet again
Old Man Brendan
...Santos was Conrado's son?
gellaho
The End
gellaho
Yeah, I didn't mention that because it kinda came out of nowhere
Old Man Brendan
Eduardo's distress is warranted yet played for laughs. The real fuckin' hero here yet again.
gellaho
I have defeated Grave Danger
That was pretty good
Maybe the most poorly plotted book I've ever read
My favorite part about the Hardy Boys books is how they seem to be apologetic about tension and conflict
They'll raise the stakes and go, "whoops, I'm sorry. Let's just get everything back to being safe and sound right quick"
DeusExNonSequitur
My favorite part is how the crime was already solved before the Hardys showed up.
gellaho
pretty much
I don't think I can express just how weird this book really is
Every couple of paragraphs somebody just reveals something with no real reason
It was not a mystery, like at all
DeusExNonSequitur
To be fair, the originals were geared toward 11- and 12-year-olds. The ‘90s series has more adult themes but definitely has the same feel.
Old Man Brendan
I read one in '92 after inheriting a couple from the '50s of my dad's, and that difference was the first thing kid me noticed.
"Oh, this one blew up the girlfriend, that's...new."
gellaho
In terms of the books I've done, I would recommend this one, it goes by quick too
This is very consistently entertaining
GDC
This book makes a lot more sense if you assume the Hardy Boys are as intellectually developed as a 12 year old.
gellaho
That was a solid one
Photon and Grave Danger were very revitalizing after SD Hunter's destruction of Steele
gellaho
The Book Cage may require the third shelf soon
Old Man Brendan
Have the books begun eating one another in there?
gellaho
Getting close. I gotta separate the Hardy Boys from the Simon Hawke
