14: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #61: Grave Danger Franklin W. Dixon

gellaho

A Serbian Fox

Oh yeah

It begins

buckles machete belt on

jakesy, peloton snack

What a missed opportunity to bust out our Machete Helmets

A Serbian Fox

Hang on I’ll go get some helmets.

Old Man Brendan

Machete murder

gellaho

This is starting at a fancy party. Hopefully we get to Mexico sooner rather than later

Old Man Brendan

Is this after Joe's gf gets carbombed?

guess not

jakesy, peloton snack

Making sure we know he’s legal, nice

gellaho

These descriptions are weird

gellaho

dr

I often, write like, this, too. But I have the good sense to fix it.

Old Man Brendan

Frank is jealous.

jakesy, peloton snack

The “Jungle Fever!” tag line just got a bit more ominous

gellaho

Everyone is thin

Old Man Brendan

How fuckable is this guy, Frank?

gellaho

A twiggy bunch

jakesy, peloton snack

Fuckin slenderman convention up in here

Old Man Brendan

This was the dawn of the obesity epidemic. This scene could never arrive again.

gellaho

These are written like it's the fifties

gellaho

I need an escort for the thin scholarship party

THIN

Old Man Brendan

I was in Cancun once and I met a late-20s(?) HS vice principal who took his senior class there each year and then abandoned them to do their/his partying. I learned a lot about Arkansas that night.

jakesy, peloton snack

How thin were they, though?

Old Man Brendan

Stephanie the model, weighed down by jade

I dunno I only met his fat ass smoking on the bus.

jakesy, peloton snack

The Yin to the Hardy boys yang

gellaho

This goes in a hilarious direction

Old Man Brendan

Clint marking himself...for MUERTO.

gellaho

Maybe eat something and you wouldn't faint so easily

Old Man Brendan

hahaha

Fainted from hunger or the vapors?

jakesy, peloton snack

If they ate too much though, they wouldn’t be able to fit through the 12 inch wide hallways at the Thin Mints Convention

Old Man Brendan

it's not a convention, my darling.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Joe is angrily jerking off to Car & Driver

Old Man Brendan

They seem genuinely interested in stealing jade and eating disorders.

gellaho

You don't say

gellaho

Sure, that's something someone Frank's age would know

Old Man Brendan

Frank might. He's Tracy Flick but for NARC stuff

jakesy, peloton snack

Golly gee, my DARE officer says you can go to Mexican prison for even thinking about jade!

Old Man Brendan

Conrado is Spanish for "with radness" and so far his life checks out

gellaho

Not Professor Ortega!

jakesy, peloton snack

Last we heard of professor Ortega, he said something about changing his name to Kurtz and going downriver to get to know the natives better

gellaho

That's not the phrase Joe

Old Man Brendan

Mexican trainburgers are a cultural delicacy.

gellaho

They've gone to the antique store the rich guy bought the jade from in New York. They immediately run into the missing professor

Old Man Brendan

from CA?

gellaho

I honestly don't know where Bayport is

Old Man Brendan

Long Island, mayhap

gellaho

Shoot Joe first, don't make the mistake of talking

gellaho

You are an amateur, child

gellaho

Meet Treasury Department Agent Hunt Dicks

Old Man Brendan

Am I to understand these ICE agents drew guns on children??

jakesy, peloton snack

One of them is 18, perfectly legal to murder

Also the armed agents of the treasury department, somehow all my accounting classes glossed over that one

gellaho

Secret government agency what now?

Old Man Brendan

Secret Service was treasury

gellaho

I must have missed "The Network" in the previous 60 books

jakesy, peloton snack

Looks like my history classes glossed over that one

Old Man Brendan

hahaha they booked a JFK hotel

commuting 3 hours RT into the city each day of their trip.

The 18yos led the mission on recognizance of their father

this is above skull & bones

gellaho

The wanted man has been released into the custody of the high schoolers

Old Man Brendan

Pre NAFTA

jakesy, peloton snack

The Hardy Boys are the Jessica Fletcher of whatever universe this is, always being deputized into taking down criminals for one reason or another

Mostly because they happen to be in the vicinity

gellaho

Gotta include human sacrifice for the kids

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

of course the mayans were savage, look at all this civilization they built!

Old Man Brendan

Americans nervously silent.

GDC

I'm giving 50/50 odds the Hardys are dumb enough to buy into ancient alien stuff.

gellaho

Make sure you include details of human horrors in your children's book

It's the Photon strategy

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

human sacrifice was not nearly as prevalent as this guy thinks it was

gellaho

Oh, Joe. How I hate you

Old Man Brendan

THIN

In Joe's defense, that is a description of Eva Mendes.

except for the personality, I mean. And Joe being a dick. I should have kept reading.

gellaho

Joe really liked that Madonna line

Old Man Brendan

In the '80s they would just tell you you were less important than other passengers.

jakesy, peloton snack

Incel Joe over here

gellaho

Much more violent than expected

jakesy, peloton snack

Pretty girl make Joe angry!

Old Man Brendan

"Burned her good, she's gonna think about that crack the entire time she can't get me out of her supple thoughts..."

gellaho

Supple Thoughts is the name of my Art Rock band

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

I've come in a bit late but are they on a plane?

gellaho

They were, then they got off and a professor got shot

And now Joe is going to run off the runway into the jungle?

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

clear sign the author has never been to south america

'cause you know, all those airports right next to the jungle

like it's a fucking jurassic park movie

gellaho

Joe out here trying to commandeer a luggage cart

It's a good thing this gunman he's chasing only had one bullet

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

where are they exactly?

Old Man Brendan

AMERICA

gellaho

Cancun

Old Man Brendan

Go to another country, shove people because you don't speak the language.

jakesy, peloton snack

MARGARITAVILLE

Old Man Brendan

Cancun is the worst portrait of Americans you'll find outside of institutional racism.

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

this book was totally the right choice

all aboard for casual racism

gellaho

I love that he points out how shitty this dude's moustache is

Old Man Brendan

Eduardo referred to Joe in the deferential formal conjugation. Was Joe wearing his secret society beret?

jakesy, peloton snack

I mean the tag line on the back cover was literally “Jungle Fever!”

We knew what we were getting into here

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

of course it was

jakesy, peloton snack

“Ah, right. The gun”

gellaho

Good job Joe

This airport adventure is wild. Meanwhile, the professor is just bleeding out somewhere

gellaho

This airport adventure is wild. Meanwhile, the professor is just bleeding out somewhere

GDC

It better be machete time.

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

where the fuck is security

there's been literal gunshots and a cart chase

Old Man Brendan

Joe only comes alive when he's pursuing other races.

gellaho

Security seems to be the luggage driver

GDC

Airports were basically the wild west, pre-9/11.

Old Man Brendan

Eduardo chased down the cart on foot? I want to read HIS adventures.

White Privilege: The Young Adult Series

gellaho

Oh, a fat guy with a sweet mustache? Now here's a character I can get behind

A Serbian Fox

Guys I couldn’t find the machete helmets, but I found two “fun” helmets

Old Man Brendan

How thin is the fat man?

gellaho

I think the thing with the luggage cart is illegal though

Not to tell Diego how to do his job

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

jesus christ

Old Man Brendan

Go to Mexican jail or back to States, hmmmm

jakesy, peloton snack

“You broke the law, your choices are Mexican jail or free plane ride home”

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

I doubt the cop would have bothered with the plane ride and would have just stuck the kid in jail

gellaho

Lol, he drops them off at their hotel

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

what an accomodating cop

gellaho

"Now you kids have fun, and don't investigate any mysteries!"

gellaho

Mexican-sounding songs in Mexico, eh?

What the fuck is a video taco

A weird thing about these Hardy Boys books is how the writer always tells you what they eat in detail

They just go to restaurants and eat. Nothing happens, and then they leave

A Serbian Fox

Is a Video Taco like, slang for porno?

gellaho

It's apparently a great Mexican restaurant in Mexico

Owned by Harry

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

that famously mexican name

Harry

"MEXICAN SOUNDING SONGS"!?

A Serbian Fox

Holy crap it’s still around

Old Man Brendan

He wants you to know they're THIN without telling you.

Must be good?

A Serbian Fox

Oh right this is a 90s Hardy Boys. I was going to say, if this was a 30s Hardy Boys, I’m impressed.

gellaho

They go to the hospital to visit the professor. Then two coincidences happen. 1) they run into the models again and 2)

gellaho

That's maybe the laziest writing I've ever seen

A Serbian Fox

Is this book abridged?

gellaho

If it was, I would have cut the eating of the Mexican food

Stephen must be the most unobservant man in history

Old Man Brendan

They could have all stayed in NYC for the same story.

gellaho

Frank recognizes Joe's misogynistic rage

A Serbian Fox

I imagine Frank’s POV has like, terminator scan lines.

There’s something weirdly methodical in his actions.

Could just be choppy writing.

gellaho

This is the funniest thing I've read in a while

"HE CALLED ME MADONNA!"

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

the most 90's insult

A Serbian Fox

More 90s than Beavis.

gellaho

She gets called that a lot I guess

gellaho

Now they're inviting the Hardy's to a party

gellaho

I swear I'm not skipping anything

Now they're just going into stores and asking for illegal artifacts

gellaho

Frank Hardy International Man of Mystery

This ends as well as expected

gellaho

What's a slam-kick?

gellaho

The owners of the store happen to know someone in the government

A Serbian Fox

I’m having trouble figuring out which Hardy Boy I hate more.

gellaho

Joe

The answer is Joe

A Serbian Fox

It seems like it should be

But I have this animal’s sixth sense that’s making me want to shove Frank into a locker.

gellaho

That agent happens to know the professor and just lets them leave

gellaho

Be careful, he knows martial arts

A Serbian Fox

that explains it.

Joe sucks but he feels like just kind of a lame kid. Frank feels like he’s got some unwarranted self confidence.

gellaho

So, they get let go and go get something to eat

GDC

Speaking of which, any martial artists care to enlighten us about slam-kicks?

A Serbian Fox

... like a push-kick?

GDC

...but...harder?

A Serbian Fox

Or like a leg clothesline?

I’m going to assume it’s an axe kick

gellaho

That's what I assumed

GDC

Okay, now I'm picturing Joe Hardy thinking he invented a bunch of martial arts moves, but they're all just axe kicks.

gellaho

Now they are at the model party. I'm still not clear why they were invited there, but whatever

A Serbian Fox

Hey man, axe kicks are like those 10% accuracy moves in Pokémon. I’ve seen a friend get his ass knocked out by one

gellaho

Hair dye is one of life's greatest mysteries

A Serbian Fox

Except in real life it adds the “exposed balls” debuff to the user.

GDC

I'm going to give your friend the benefit of the doubt and assume he was kicked by someone more competent than Joe Hardy.

A Serbian Fox

Fair.

Old Man Brendan

Regular REAL MEN like us don't understand you LADIES and all your FANCY SHOPPING COSTUMES

A Serbian Fox

I need to add that my friend is 5’4”

Old Man Brendan

How tall was your friend before the axe kick fell on his head?

A Serbian Fox

5’2”

Looney tunes style lump formed

gellaho

Keep it in your pants, Joe

Old Man Brendan

Joe has a GF though

gellaho

Frank has the girlfriend

A Serbian Fox

I’m going to assume the hair color change is Jojo logic

gellaho

Joe is the budding incel

after his girlfriend got blowed up in a car bomb

Old Man Brendan

If one has a girlfriend they BOTH have her. That's the Hardy way.

gellaho

I haven't read that one yet though

A Serbian Fox

Joe has incel energy but Frank probably tells you what his Meyers Briggs test result is.

Old Man Brendan

Consult your Secret Government Agency rulebook. Agents share everything.

A Serbian Fox

Frank Hardy: INTJ

gellaho

No, you should absolutely have called him a geek

Probably something worse

Old Man Brendan

Joe missed his chance to tell her she looked like Madonna.

gellaho

Joe is the worst

I should mention Frank and Joe are wearing identical Hawaiian shirts

Old Man Brendan

Racecar spelled backwards is Madonna.

Joe enjoys her struggles.

gellaho

Ronnie's never seen Magnum PI, I guess

Old Man Brendan

Ronnie doesn't know who Madonna OR Magnum are.

IMPOSSIBLE.

gellaho

Classic

Old Man Brendan

FINALLY, a chance for Joe to shove a woman.

A Serbian Fox

Clearly someone hasn’t seen Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers

Old Man Brendan

Man, those Disney pulp adventure shows were fun.

gellaho

Lol, burn

Sara is the girl from the antiques shop they tried to hustle

I didn't mention her name because I didn't think she'd randomly appear at the model party

GDC

Theme songs were all bangers, too.

gellaho

probably because there was no reason for her to fucking be there

Old Man Brendan

You're right. I'm gonna learn to play Tale Spin's theme.

There are 11 people in Cancun, and they all know each other of old.

gellaho

Especially these models who are just visiting for a photo shoot

The coincidences keep on rolling

gellaho

Joe is going to take the photos. This can only end well

Old Man Brendan

Faces International is smuggling the pieces out on models as costume jewelry, Stephen is in on it, and hopefully this book overlooks all the quasi-human trafficking in the industry at this time.

gellaho

And, what the hell, let's go back to Harry's Video Taco

jakesy, peloton snack

Tome means “take” in Spanish, foreshadowing alert

Old Man Brendan

"The boys ordered two tacos each, no more. They had to stay THIN."

gellaho

At the photo shoot, Joe stumbles upon the Punji Pits

Old Man Brendan

Why doesn't Frank just go do the shooting if he knows photography?

gellaho

Hell, yes! I had been waiting for the classic Hardy Boys subversion of danger

GDC

I had to step away for a bit. Has the book made good on its promise of machetes yet?

gellaho

not yet

Old Man Brendan

Only stakes

The stakes are quite literally low.

gellaho

Oh, do you think the gunman might be trying to kill you Joe? You dumb fuck

gellaho

I hate you more than anything, Joe Hardy

Boy, I love how these books are written

Gasp Who couldst be!?

gellaho

Next page: Oops

DeusExNonSequitur

Why are the Hardy Boys in Mexico? I don't think anyone hired them. There's no way any locals would think these teenagers are here to do anything except commit crimes.

Old Man Brendan

Sara the Cancun antiques dealer's last name is Archer?

gellaho

She was born in Baltimore

For some reason I needed to know that

GDC

The Hardy Boys are basically just serial crime scene contaminators.

gellaho

that is true

DeusExNonSequitur

And real cops keep letting them hang around instead of arresting them for being so fucking annoying.

gellaho

Keep your hands where I can see them, writer

I don't need this getting to Simon Hawke/Victor Milan levels of horny

DeusExNonSequitur

Joe, the perpetually horny one, is upset he has to rub lotion on a model?

gellaho

He really doesn't like women

DeusExNonSequitur

Don't get me wrong, he absolutely hates women, but it seems like he'd like to touch them creepily.

Old Man Brendan

santos tried to kill Frank but to torture Joe he makes him oil up 19-year-old swimsuit models.

DAMN THEM for tempting him with their DEVIL FLESH

Father says when Joe ascends to the 33rd degree of the Secret Government Agency, he shall be shucked of these temptations.

Till then, they must be expunged with flame.

gellaho

@Old Man Brendan, congrats on cracking open the case earlier

gellaho

Old Man Brendan

The clues were both there.

gellaho

I'm operating on 4 hours of sleep and booze, so I'm just along for this ride

Old Man Brendan

Still too cognizant to be the third Hardy brother

Dean, the evil one.

gellaho

Fucking, rock solid evidence

gellaho

As opposed to the extreme Hardy boys, Matt and Jeff

Old Man Brendan

Then there's Ydarh, the negative-universe Hardy Boy or else he is maybe from Wales.

gellaho

Joe has decided that the cop is involved. As far as I can tell, there is no evidence for this

Ok, so there are only 35 pages left

I have been promised a pyramid shoot out and machete fight

A Serbian Fox

I was promised jungle fever.

Old Man Brendan

But how did they know Ortega would be at the airport?

gellaho

Fuck if I know

They're finally at the pyramid to meet Alfredo Acosta

gellaho

Alfredo Acosta is a guy who rented the professor his house, so they think he may have been involved in framing the professor

Somehow

This is very poorly plotted

It's happening!

gellaho

gellaho

I don't know how you can mistake a machete for a rifle, but whatever

IT'S HAPPENING

Goddammit, he already lost his machete

gellaho

RIP Frank

Old Man Brendan

Damn if that cover illustration didn't nail it.

gellaho

Joe's wild accusation that the cop was corrupt ended up being correct

DeusExNonSequitur

Remember when I said it’s weird the police let them hang around. It’s even weirder if the police are the bad guys.

Old Man Brendan

Hoyil had no reason to keep the kids investigating him around and every excuse to deport them.

gellaho

Now he will bury them

gellaho

Luckily Ronnie randomly showed up to save them

gellaho

gellaho

Crisis and tension successfully averted

gellaho

Now the rich dude from the beginning showed up

gellaho

The rich guy is bad? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Old Man Brendan

Isn't this the second time the hardies are trapped in a chamber only to be rescued before they run out of air?

There was a dojo safe

gellaho

Yeah

That is true

This is wild

Old Man Brendan

Now they're back in the shit.

So we're clear, the only Mexicans in this story who aren't doubly treacherous betrayers of their nation are the ones who grew up in America?

gellaho

Joe Hardy: Mysoginist MacGyver

gellaho

Old Man Brendan

The popular culture really taught us some bad ideas about how men should interact with women.

gellaho

These writer's ability to completely defuse tension is astonishing

Old Man Brendan

You know, Chandler said if you ever write yourself into a corner just say "a man walked in with a gun."

I don't think those were meant to be the same moment though.

gellaho

This is a cartoonish murder plot

Old Man Brendan

If you put dynamite in the engine, the gasoline is just incriminating yourself.

gellaho

Frank Hardy: master of bomb defusal

Old Man Brendan

Or like...cut the dynamite fuse.

gellaho

Frank has a long and pointless conversation before throwing away a bomb

Old Man Brendan

It's just twine

wait they're in the ocean? Not on a dock? All he had to do was huck it? BOOOOO

gellaho

OK, OK, OK. So. Conrado escapes on a dingy and races to his private jet

Old Man Brendan

They're gonna Ben-Hur the runway!

gellaho

And then Joe steals the same luggage cart

THE LUGGAGE CART STEALING WAS A SETUP FOR THE END OF THE BOOK

DeusExNonSequitur

Even before 9/11, they would be so full of bullets if they tried this.

Old Man Brendan

It's a wacky hijink

It's like training wheels Die Hard 2.

gellaho

If you're white, you can do whatever you want in a foreign country

Like playing chicken with an airplane