83.2: Vampire Slayer: Part Two Petrucha, Kinney & Murase

gellaho

The Book Cage Episode 83.75 Nancy Drew: Girl Detective: The New Case Files: Vampire Slayer: Part 2

As you might imagine, this week is a little hard to schedule. So, I'm getting it out of the way early and we are celebrating the season the only way I know: with diseased teen boys and girl detectives. That's right: it's the Nancy Drew comic book about a fake vampire with a magical house and her androgynous group of teen idiots. Given time, may also get into the hardy boys crossover which continues the Nancy Drew story but seemingly ignores whatever the Hardy Boys manga was trying to accomplish. Find out THIS WEDNESDAY. I repeat WEDNESDAY at 5pm eastern.

gellaho

1000 Space GDCs

This was genuinely hard to read, the character design is non-euclidean.

Badgerman

Still kind of amazed that George was the only thing they got right and even then by being so wrong they landed on something amazing

gellaho

Little under an hour until Nancy Drew: Girl Detective: The New Casefiles: Vampire Slayer: Part 2. Don't miss the exciting conclusion to this not-quite-a-series.

Badgerman

Fucking Gregor Coffson

I had actually forgotten

gellaho

"Vampires" Ahoy

Badgerman

Poor little whatsisface looking so offended that he got cucked by a vampire

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Maintaining the vampire part of the title is extra insulting considering its established there are no vampires.

gellaho

The lies continue within the front page. No idea where/when this is supposed to be

Badgerman

"Nancy Drew: Goth Twink Hunter" didn't roll off the copy very well

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Meanwhile, at Medieval Times in Newark......"

gellaho

These titles for the regular series sure are awful

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I coughed up blood when I looked closer and read "The Disoriented Express"

Badgerman

Hard disagree, I am instantly invested in the plight of Mr. Cheeters and its resolution

gellaho

You suck Sho

Badgerman

Gotta love when they put the credit for the original ghostwriter in the smallest font possible under their own names

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Sho should have tried harder and gotten into a good high school.

Juho

Nancy has a face like she's being hit on by Don Diebel in a strip club in the top left cover.

Badgerman

You get the feeling it's something all the true hacks out there like JJ Abrams would do if they weren't cowards

gellaho

We now return to our comic already in progress

Badgerman

I think all of those shapes making up that cloak come straight from Microsoft PowerPoint

But fear not! Gregor came prepared, having quickly dressed for fencing class offscreen

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Nancy Drew and the Case of the Weird Health Bigot

gellaho

That's, what a three foot stake based on that hand?

Badgerman

Nancy Drew: Vampire Apologist

That crucifix is more of a plus sign

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The hand holding the stake has to be a joke, right?

I've seen better hands in early webcomics.

gellaho

They appear to be trying to dance the door open

Juho

Look, drawing things perpendicular is hard.

Badgerman

WAM WAM

Juho

Oh shit we just all lost Wamageddon.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Sho needs to consult his "How to Draw Sexy Anime Girls" book more closely.

Badgerman

He's onto something with the butt thrust out pose tbh

gellaho

Ned can hear Nancy's narration apparently

Badgerman

Oh my god what is wrong with George's teeth

Did they turn rabid between books

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Mouthful of cum?

gellaho

"Slight of Dan"

Badgerman

Patented Mountain Monsters time-filling recap

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Nancy might be a really bad example to her friends.

Juho

Only guy talking has his mouth closed.

gellaho

The author has not only forgotten George's gender, but also her race

Badgerman

"What could be worse?!"

Than this book? Not much

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Thats normal for manga, at least Sho got that right.

In manga there is only one race: Big eyed freakazoid.

Badgerman

Either Blondie just let rip a real stinker or George just grokked what a shitty storyline this is

gellaho

I guess there wasn't enough space for that speech bubble in that bottom panel?

Badgerman

Crucifix is now made out of sweet potato fries

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Mmmm. Sweet potato.

Died for our sins.

gellaho

Gregor was friends of Vigo

Badgerman

"Shadowed face with one red eye and crazy expression" is a very anime face

gellaho

That's certainly what Europe looked like in 1911

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Is.......is that not what Europe looks like NOW?

Badgerman

Hahaha the nonsense inside cover was foreshadowing

"They refused to tolerate evil, after decades of putting up with it and hoping it would go away on its own eventually"

gellaho

Jesus H Christ, Sho

Badgerman

Good god, they've become Flatlanders

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Wait.......but I'm not even FROM Romania. I think you've gotten me confused with Radu, the guy from down the street who works at Krispy Kreme."

gellaho

OHHHNGH

Juho

Can confirm.

gellaho

George moves to face #53. This one is really pointy

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Nancy, you have GOT to work on your suggestibility. You KNOW vampires arent real and that Gregor is also not a vampire, you shouldnt have even considered this.

"I'll call the cops!"

"Ill get my laptop."

Equally helpful suggestions, guys.

Juho

I mean, yeah, but it also looked like that in 1911.

gellaho

Really makes it seem like the laptop is yelling at itself

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Someone needs to tell her about Gregor's unprotected Wifi.

Radu has been using it to watch Netflix.

gellaho

Uh oh, it's collapsing in on itself

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ohhhhh is THAT what the Singularity is?

Juho

Look, you can just put the phone to your ear and talk at a normal volume. You don't have to yell at it from two feet away.

gellaho

Just take a picture of a laptop keyboard and throw it in here

Juho

And not one from this millenium.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Okay Sho, a geometric sequence of cubes should have been pretty easy to do even if you wanted to be lazy.

Cmon man, coasting on making George a nonbinary icon only gets you so far.

gellaho

Sho decided drawing emotions was too much work. Or like sensible actions

Juho

...fingers shouldn't be able to be bent like that.

gellaho

"Looks like she's doing just fine."

Shove for no reason

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ned is just really afraid of computers, he thought it was going to explode.

gellaho

Nancy remembers when her face was melting

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its always so embarassing when your face melts at dinner.

gellaho

That's what texts look like, sure

Juho

...I honestly can't tell of the problem is the shit printing alignment or the shit art.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

That is a wild font for a text as well.

Someone likes a real sci fi flair to their messages.

Ferroday, Blitzin'

...is my dude here phasing through the table?

Juho

Hell yes, segmented text on a smartphone.

gellaho

That's definitely how vitamins come, Sho

Juho

Smartphones are basically just digital alarm clocks, right?

gellaho

Especially iron

Juho

Jars and test tubes with screw-tops. Yes.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah I guess if you've never seen or smelled blood or vegetable juice before you might be fooled.

gellaho

Ned got some extreme facial surgery

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

in between panels Ned is attending Benedict Cumberbatch's Academy for Sharp Faced Boys.

Juho

His right hand must be inside his sleeve.

gellaho

Bess decides this is the perfect time for some sweet air guitar

gellaho

And that caused George to lose an eye

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Sometimes you need to just belt out the Judas Priest cover of Diamonds and Rust and if that costs a bystander their vision..... So be it.

Juho

Fun fact: Finland has an annual air guitar world championship.

gellaho

Spin the wheel to see what face George is going to have next

Badgerman

Literally just Light Yagami

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hey Ned just mentioned that thing that Nancy is doing right this very second. Thats very nearly clever writing.

gellaho

Gregor's condition has started to make his face disappear

Badgerman

Whisper shouting to the unconscious will get them awake, right? It's one of those surefire things

gellaho

But at least they aren't going to introduce another character that looks just like Ned and George

Uh oh

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Nancy maybe kick the ass in front of you and disable the literal insane would be murderer waving a sharp piece of wood and gibbering about vampires before you get him a drink?

Sho: "Drawing more than three faces is hard."

Juho

That dress and that sofa arm are not on the same plane of existence.

gellaho

Acne always shows up at exactly the wrong time

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fight! Do karate!

The answer is always DO KARATE!

gellaho

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE REFERENCE WE'RE MAKING?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"No, sorry. I dont follow this one, Dave. Who is this "Borfy" character?"

gellaho

Get it together, Sho

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Gregor diving for that juice like Popeye going for his spinach.

Juho

It's spelled Boofy.

gellaho

Not the coat rack!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Bud Nancy fights murders as a HOBBY, she'll be fine.

Juho

Surprised top hat.

Ferroday, Blitzin'

we've just given up drawing faces since the artist sucks so much at it, I guess

gellaho

You are all pale and frail. Literally every character in this world is made of white sticks.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

OKay I was gonna keep giving Gregor shit for not throwing out that magicians old crap, but a free top hat is something to cherish.

Badgerman

That's bordering on a stovepipe tbh

gellaho

That treacherous foot stool

Agent of Fortune

Is this official or fan fiction

Badgerman

Nancy cracks her head off the floor and dies painfully over the course of several minutes. The assailant murders Gregor and escapes justice forever. The End

Juho

Both?

gellaho

Chief also complains about his lack of eyeballs

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The lines going from the footstool suggest motion more than impact, so I choose to believe that footstool is sentient and rooting for the vampire hunter.

Badgerman

Sweet problematic goatee, Chief

gellaho

I would never sully my Book Cage with the likes of fan fiction

Badgerman

Did you style that straight from Fu Manchu or did it grow naturally

Juho

I was gonna ask, is that drool or a beard?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I suspect this grown man who has a full time job as the head of local law enforcement has nothing better to do than help me not die! He sure seems to like it!"

gellaho

I'm not sure what you are seeing

Badgerman

Oh. Oh god. Now I'm not sure either.

Jesus, did his cheek absorb his lapel or is he having a stroke?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Deeply cleft chin.

Juho

Does he have a hearing aid?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Like this man has a double chin but vertically.

Juho

I don't think teeth should point that way.

gellaho

George got some jaw implants

gellaho

And the Chief grew some eyes

Juho

Oooh, it's not a beard, it's his COLLAR!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"So you see officer, we were harassing this teen because we thought he was a vampire, but it turns out he has a health condition."

gellaho

Boy, oh, boy. That's certainly not the same ridiculously hatted officer copy and pasted

Badgerman

Oh, he's self conscious about his neck growth now

Hahaha he looks like he hasn't broken in his fucking ballcap yet

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Twin twink cops?

Agent of Fortune

The two women are also copy pasted from a previous panel

Juho

He might be pulling a Karl Lagerfeld and hiding neck wattle with absurd collars.

gellaho

Sho will never, ever, draw expressions matching what the characters are saying

Badgerman

What do you mean, looked? 👁️ 👄 👁️

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Shut up, NED."

Juho

...is he making a jerk-off motion?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ned IS a jerk off motion.

gellaho

Dial up the George-O-Matic to see what face we get this time

Agent of Fortune

🤌

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

George looks like she has a new coat of lip gloss in this panel.

gellaho

Nancy's deflated

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also I love how this cop is incredulous that one of NANCY DREWs friends would invade someones privacy.

Juho

Sick dance moves.

Badgerman

This cop only keeps his job because Nancy drew and co. are routinely invading privacy

gellaho

Those rocks are definitely going to work

Juho

...what the fuck is up with that forehead?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

George and Bess immediately forgot Gregor isnt a vampire.

Badgerman

Have the cops tried something stronger than overgrown ice picks on that door

gellaho

The stake has disappeared, which has caused the vampire slayer to glitch out

gellaho

What action was supposed to be depicted by the three characters there? Who knows!

Badgerman

"Chosen Oneee!"

"I'm coming!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Do it Gregor. Murder this person with a can of vegetable juice. FREE YOURSELF FROM THE PRISON OF FEAR!

Badgerman

It's like throwing a can of spaghetti sauce at people to knock them out from a distance in Hitman

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

All it will cost you is beating a delusional Romanian girl to death with a can of V8 and you can take a shit without being afraid of ambush.

gellaho

Seems like you could have done this at any time. Apparently that stake was some kind of mirage

Badgerman

Aw man, you made him miss. Now he's gonna have to clean up all that broken glass and shit

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Nancy it took you this long to sweep the leg?

Badgerman

Way to go, Nancy.

gellaho

The fuck is going on here, Sho

Badgerman

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Was. Was the teenage girl supposed to be going commando this whole time or is this another of those uniquely anime touches

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Sho.......You told us your previous experience wasnt going to influence your work."

gellaho

I'm not sure if Nancy kicked her again or what

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh nooooo, the murderer may or probably may not have cracked her idiot skull on a coffee table.

Badgerman

Sho can't draw juice spills but they can draw splats of suspiciously viscous fluid just fine

gellaho

"Weird that she was able to overpower me earlier"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

She looks sick?

gellaho

Why did you put her in that pose, Nancy?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Sick is not how I would have described it.

Badgerman

THRILL as Nancy Drew and friends beat up a terminal malnutrition patient!

Hahaha even Gregor looks ticked off that she said that last thing

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Yeah Nancy, its called being a Romanian peasant. Her diet is like 2\3rds turnips and the sun shines like two weeks total."

gellaho

Thrill at Nancy's voice mail

Badgerman

"Darn kids and their uncharged phones 👴 "

gellaho

I think George might kill and eat Bess

Badgerman

Also how can the phone receive the message if her battery is dead

Agent of Fortune

Decentralized voice mail

gellaho

Agent of Fortune

That's not weird

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I just get so involved in doing crime to stop people from doing crime I dont leave any way for my loved ones or the authorities to call and dissuade me, uwu."

gellaho

Exactly how you hold a phone

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"These goddamn Galaxy Note 7s."

Badgerman

Rare self inflicted iPhone user dunk

gellaho

You know, how friends caress faces

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Yes, normal frienship, much touching of the face, yes?"

Badgerman

Nope. Nope. Get out, Nancy. This boy will steal your teeth.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Is how you do in America?"

gellaho

Ah!

BlindMonkey

My comics dreams suddenly feel six times more possible

Badgerman

Jumpscare!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Bess is SO HORNY for someone to have died.

Agent of Fortune

same

gellaho

That's the motion you use to hit the back of someone's head, sure

Badgerman

I'd make that horrified expression too if Cardi B started playing in my vicinity

gellaho

Something terrible happened to George

BlindMonkey

Shaolin detectives punish bad theories harshly.

Juho

Oh shit she's crying blood.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh SHIT! I LEFT THE OVEN ON!

Badgerman

Took a glancing hit from the UwU beam. Survived, but was forever changed

Agent of Fortune

why are the girls wearing matching hoodies

Badgerman

So you can tell which one is which

BlindMonkey

This is joining the reaction image arsenal.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

All hoodies are matching hoodies.

gellaho

Classic sepia tone photo for someone born in the nineties

Badgerman

Hahaha they're siblings???

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuck off. Dont do it. Dont make them siblings you fucker.

Agent of Fortune

TOO LATE

gellaho

Classic nineties nostalgia

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh yeah I have porphyria but VAMPIRES ARE ALSO TOTALLY REAL YOU ALL!"

Badgerman

Yeah, bully the vampire children. See what happens.

Feels like a real smart play.

Agent of Fortune

I like the sepia tone flashback

gellaho

Valon

Badgerman

Is Albania just always filtered sepia toned in the same way Mexico is always piss yellow

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Eugh in Albania, no wonder they hate you.

Juho

...sepia before it was universal as a filter for phone cameras, agter the 19rh century.

gellaho

Please forget that the author accidentally called the vampire hunter Garina earlier

Badgerman

"In Valen's name!"

muffled Minbari violence

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Stupid Gregor getting to jet off to places like France and America while we live in fucking ALBANIA! IN THE 90s!"

Badgerman

"Yeah, I'll totally do a second pass on this script"

- author who did not end up doing that

gellaho

Gregor also got some facial work done during the flashback

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"What? No its fine, Garina is a normal name for girls in that part of the world. Its like Gary."

Badgerman

Well no shit you don't sense your sister, you don't have the fucking Force, Greg. Jeez

gellaho

"How many men have you disembowled?"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wait wasnt there also a civil war in Albania in the mid 90s?

gellaho

George has turned into a wood elf again

Badgerman

Very efficient use of panels here. Instead of advancing the plot we spin our wheels uselessly while the author pretends their EC/OC romance is going to actually go anywhere. A brilliancy of storytelling.

Agent of Fortune

that's why there was the sepia in the air

Badgerman

George prefers "Bosmer"

gellaho

If you are going to copy and paste, how's about you pick one that makes sense

Badgerman

I—

Fucking

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

What?

Badgerman

George is RIGHT THERE

What???

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

What the fuck is that guys back doing?!

Agent of Fortune

isn't that Ned?

Badgerman

"They just didn't care!"

gellaho

Gregor needs a nap

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It looks like it would be pulsating.

Juho

Garina is absolutely Romanian for "we wanted a boy".

Badgerman

He's got that Richard III spine

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Gregor, getting bored, decides to do his traditional "mime eating a big sausage" joke for Nancy.

gellaho

The lines are back and better than ever

Badgerman

What the fuck is happening

Oh. Garina's gone now. That's all

gellaho

Not entirely sure what's happening to George here

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Sho forgot to draw in the single drop of sweat.

Also forgot that kind of thing is for characters NOT IN THE BACKGROUND SHO!

SHO! THATS NOT HOW YOU DO THAT!

BAD ARTIST! BAD!

gellaho

Probably should have brought the full sized jaws of life

Badgerman

The single stink line being repeated really makes it look like George shit themself a few pages back

Hahaha I think that's just a jpeg of a can opener?