A Photon Adventure Novel #2. The All-new Intergalactic Action Series! It's not just a game. It's an adventure...
Archive
gellaho
Where do you go after Hitler? The Gambler! We will be returning to intense world of laser tag this Friday, 5pm Eastern. It's Photon #2: High Stakes by David Peters/Peter David
gellaho
gellaho
Photon: High Stakes is coming up on the hour.
gellaho
So, how do you follow up Hitler and the Holocaust?
If you guessed an extended pun, you'd be right
gellaho
Oh, God. He's going to keep doing it
Dr Shark
Is he going for Douglas Adams/Terry Pratchett?
gellaho
He's going for some kind of whimsy
gellaho
I don't care for it
gellaho
Is he trying to flirt with his teacher?
Dr Shark
I think so. How the hell do you "wave" eyebrows? Unless they're detachable.
gellaho
These jokes are going to kill me
hype slug jakesy
Uh oh, David’s about to go Full Milan
Never go full Milan
gellaho
With my secret identity as Bhodi Li, I am a master warrior -hold on, I gotta lock up my bicycle
gellaho
I think someone from the company yelled at Peter David for not including enough laser tag in the last one
They let him publish a Nazi adventure, but they need to sell the laser tag
Dr Shark
That kid he shot is dead, right?
gellaho
He's going through his anime girl transformation sequence
gellaho
No, he's actually playing regular laser tag there
For about three seconds, then he's turned into BHODI LI
Dr Shark
gotcha
gellaho
Jesus, Bhodi you are an asshole
gellaho
Leon is a common lizard name
hype slug jakesy
Are we also supposed to know how big MX missiles are?
GDC
Seems like an unsafe way to hold a bazooka.
gellaho
I was hoping someone else would
If I don't get Lord Baethan this time
gellaho
So help me God, David Peters/Peter David
Dr Shark
Wait, he's a Star Wizard as well as a cyborg with glorious hair? Fuck yes.
gellaho
If you are going to write about them this way, don't make them 17
Dr Shark
You all take bets on which kids you know are going to fuck each other, right?
gellaho
It's so weird to me that they named their supercomputer MOM. That's not going to sell it as cool
hype slug jakesy
I wonder if that’s Peters hitting back at the toy company for saying he needs to throw in more laser tag
gellaho
I think the Hitler book would have been enough
Dr Shark
If you can't sell something with Hitler, you're not cut out for marketing.
gellaho
Bhodi Li is basically Joe Hardy
hype slug jakesy
I still can’t see Bhodi Li without immediately thinking Geddy Lee
gellaho
Bhodi Li is such a weird choice for a name
Geddy's parents survived the Holocaust so I imagine he'd have a different reaction than "Buh, what's the Holocaust?"
hype slug jakesy
Touché
Dr Shark
His response would probably be punching the author.
gellaho
Parcival is a ten year old
hype slug jakesy
“A Naz-a-whatzit?”
Dr Shark
"Joo-squeez-it?" Seriously?
hype slug jakesy
Lol translates as Gambler
gellaho
I repeat: ten years old
I don't know why he doesn't get the Photon energy transformation, but whatever
hype slug jakesy
So I was on the right track, Bhodi Li is Rush and Jwwwskqeezit is Kenny Rogers
gellaho
These feminazis, amirite
hype slug jakesy
Bhodi says feminists are the real Nazis
Dr Shark
"Yeah, woman who gets victimized by every threat we encounter. Just respect men!"
gellaho
As if to prove the point
quit whinin' ladies
hype slug jakesy
Ok MOM
Dr Shark
MOM says sex isn't important, and as a 17-year-old I was about to correct her.
GDC
I can't get over how petulant the capitalization makes it sound.
Dr Shark
It does have the energy of a kid being told to take out the trash.
gellaho
All space aliens talk like Shaggy
Dr Shark
No red flags here.
gellaho
This probably would have been good information for the last book
gellaho
But Peter David wanted to get straight into Hitler
100 years seems like a long time
hype slug jakesy
Hmm so they didn’t actually kill this warlord last time huh. Just his minions
Dr Shark
We have the source of all life. We use it to play laser tag. Suck it, Universe
gellaho
No, they shot their power pads and sent them back to their evil base
Barf
Dr Shark
"Fuck you, Bhodi."
hype slug jakesy
I like how he’s not “the gambler” or anything. Just gambler
gellaho
Oh, I guess we're sticking with that name
Dr Shark
eeesh
hype slug jakesy
Lol Arrian race is so brutal
gellaho
Soldarrs
JCantrell
That should have been the title of the Hitler book
Dr Shark
"Arrian Attack" or "Oh, I Guess We're Sticking With That Name"?
gellaho
It's almost like he's daring someone to stop him
Dr Shark
The change of tenses in the final paragraph is painful.
gellaho
OK, fuck you. I'm being pranked
That's the corniest shit
hype slug jakesy
Lol
David Shakedownville Peters
gellaho
This is some commitment to this stupid bit
I should have known when he actually did the Hitlarr bit, but
Dr Shark
Based on the other names, that means Bugarr annoys people and Dogarr follows people around?
gellaho
I think it means they look like a bug and a dog
Pirarr is a pirate
Mandarr is a human (man-darr)
Dr Shark
That makes sense. I'm just lost on what that says about Destructarr
gellaho
Destructar is a giant alien with a huge mace and laser cannon
Warriar got punked out in the first book
Dr Shark
I feel like he's cheating with Destructar. You can look like you bring destruction, but you can't look like destruction itself.
gellaho
I'm not sure if this is warriarr or destructarr
hype slug jakesy
He is become death
Bodhi Li giving it up on the first date here
gellaho
I don't like this punking out of Lord Baethan
gellaho
Photonium
Dr Shark
In hindsight, we probably should have had people there to keep the cargo secure. Oh well.
gellaho
Bhodi Li: Professional Moron
I guess I might have been wrong about Dogarr
Why would Dogarr have the scorpion tail?
Dr Shark
That's a clear Bugarr accessory. Dammit Peters, keep your shit in order!
hype slug jakesy
Yeah usually when you have valuable resources you put them all in one place and lightly guard it
Standard procedure
gellaho
I know these books aren't copy edited, but "projecton?"
I'm trying to remember the really egregious typo in the last one
hype slug jakesy
It was something with random characters
It was like st%*rs
gellaho
It was something like how#j
Dr Shark
Oh come on. that's a sneeze-induced typo.
I'll probably say this at least a dozen more times before the end, but for fuck's sake peters
gellaho
Bye Mandarr
gellaho
Warriarr gets punted out early again
gellaho
Lowest on the power rankings
Nevermind, they all suck
Dr Shark
Oh, they get teleported. Okay, that covers how they can keep showing up.
hype slug jakesy
Hahaha
“We can’t see anything! Fire blindly!”
Dr Shark
"It's the perfect defense!"
gellaho
I'm guessing Gambler is turning and becoming Gamblarr
Dr Shark
Who's Jon?
gellaho
Gambler talks in rhyme. I hate it!
Dr Shark
ARRRGGGHHHH
gellaho
Dr Shark
"Here's a rhyme for you Gambler: Go fuck yourself."
gellaho
That's just a taste of what I'm experiencing
hype slug jakesy
Hate hate hate
Dr Shark
stay strong @gellaho
gellaho
What
Dr Shark
"Fuck you too, Bhodi."
gellaho
I see someone saw The Wrath of Khan
Dr Shark
If Khan or even Ricardo Montalban appeared and kicked Bhodi's ass right now, this would be the greatest book ever written.
gellaho
Parcival. Is. Ten.
gellaho
Aaaaaaaaaaaaagggghhhhh
Dr Shark
Seconded. AAAAAGGGGGHHHH
gellaho
Fuck you
gellaho
Son of a bitch has gone meta
gellaho
The more and more I read these crappy books, I realize that meta comedy has been around forever and it was always terrible
Dr Shark
How many have you read so far?
Also, that mom is a saint for not kicking his ass.
gellaho
This is the second Photon. In general, 18
Dr Shark
Daaamn
gellaho
I wonder if Gambler is a bad guy
Dr Shark
Naaaah. Who hasn't tried to blow off steam by shooting a random animal?
gellaho
Come on
Dr Shark
That is a clever reference and you are correct to recognize it, David Peters.
gellaho
Some good science for the kids
gellaho
RIP Tivia
gellaho
Fucking Hardy Boys-esque rejection of danger
Dr Shark
"Tivia's probably going to blame this on men," Bhodi thought with his perfect male brain.
gellaho
Try more sexist
He's earned his woman
Dr Shark
Seriously?! GODDAMMIT PETERS!
gellaho
Have fun, kids!
Dr Shark
"Peters, we looked at your manuscript. Is this about us asking for more laser tag?"
gellaho
Fucking, what?
hype slug jakesy
Dave’s running out of ideas already
gellaho
Bhodi Li: Alien Racist
Dr Shark
Eyes! Wheels! But it's a potato!
Dr Shark
Sorry Bhodi. I just assumed based on your personality that you'd have equally clammy hands.
gellaho
These jokes are the worst
Dr Shark
ugh
gellaho
Don't sexualize the children
Dr Shark
also, side note: if I'm doing too many reactions, please let me know and I'll tone it down.
hype slug jakesy
You are doing an appropriate amount of reactions
gellaho
it's fine
hype slug jakesy
This is crazy shit
gellaho
it lets me know people are paying attention
I'm halfway through the book and I'm not sure the plot has started
Dr Shark
If Peters isn't careful, all this leg stuff is going to summon Brooke.
hype slug jakesy
More like Boney Li amirite
Giving myself the pug for that one
gellaho
The emperor is described as a fifty year old man and
Dr Shark
fair
gellaho
Fucking what
hype slug jakesy
Hahaha how many dogs has Peters thrown out of cars
gellaho
that's the craziest simile I'm ever read
And I've read two Victor Milan books
hype slug jakesy
He’s killed more pets than a peloton coming off a hunger strike
Dr Shark
I guess Diebel is one of Peter's fans.
gellaho
nice
Tivia, I think the name explains it
It's pretty goddamn self-explanatory
Dr Shark
"What is self?"
gellaho
I guess the game show host thing was literal
hype slug jakesy
Hmmm
Dr Shark
The most lovely or handsome species, not even slaves. So if Bhodi wants to fuck a squirrel he thinks is giving him the eye, it's cool.
gellaho
This is the craziest thing I've ever read
I got nothing
Old Man Brendan
Catch me up, time moved slower back on Earth.
hype slug jakesy
Is David hornier for kids than JD or Milan?
Dr Shark
Guardians have recruited an insufferable rhymer named Gambler.
Old Man Brendan
Bhodi, have some dignity.
gellaho
My brain is breaking
Dr Shark
Tivia almost died in the vacuum of space.
Old Man Brendan
I mean, I get it. I dated a redhead at that age, but like...you don't say that part out loud.
gellaho
I'm not sober enough for this
Dr Shark
I think you're caught up. David Peters thinks he can tell jokes.
gellaho
Legit, almost nothing has actually happened. A new guy called the Gambler has joined the team. He's a dick and talks in rhyme
I don't know what to do with any of this
Old Man Brendan
Etrigan-Gambit, got it.
gellaho
Like, this is fucking crazy
I didn't skip any introduction, this just happened. Twelve daughters showed up and things went straight out the window
Dr Shark
Maybe slightly more Fonzie than Etrigan in rhyming.
hype slug jakesy
Yeah Peters thinks he’s a comedian now and he’s very bad at it
gellaho
Fucking what
hype slug jakesy
Nobody bangs the emperors daughters except the emperor
gellaho
Haaaaaaa
gellaho
I don't know if I'm ready for this
Dr Shark
"Gambler, same poem as before: Go fuck yourself."
Old Man Brendan
Ugh, Gambler, I hate you.
He's like...elderly white person rap.
Dr Shark
He's getting worse too.
hype slug jakesy
I mean more complicated than what? Nothings happened so far
Dr Shark
Maybe it's more obligatory laser tag.
gellaho
I will draw power from my Steele shirt
GDC
I hate all of these characters so much.
hype slug jakesy
Just one, son!
Dr Shark
Don't hit on the emperor's son either, Gambler!
gellaho
"Bros before Hos" Gambler
Dr Shark
Is Gambler speaking without rhyming supposed to be the signal that he's eviling?
Old Man Brendan
...is that a Steele blanket?
gellaho
It's my Steele shirt
I screen printed it to celebrate my completion of the series
gellaho
You're, right. That would be helpful
It has fuck-all to do with anything, but go for it Bhodi
hype slug jakesy
maaaaan
Dr Shark
Sure would be nice if we could just stop the villain and not have countless innocents die.
gellaho
It's almost like it's a game of laser tag
gellaho
Dr Shark
I think you're reaching.
Old Man Brendan
Bhodi is SO CLOSE to realizing this is all a construct to train him for some ulterior cause.
gellaho
You love it, kids
hype slug jakesy
Bhodi isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed
Though he’s definitely a tool
Dr Shark
I thought deductive reasoning was beyond him.
gellaho
Apparently, Pike can shapeshift
Also, fuck these rhymes
GDC
It's not clever if you just make up the words.
You're not dr seuss.
hype slug jakesy
It’s an awful boxing reference for some reason
Dr Shark
"This is what the kids like, right? Rhyming and violent deaths?"
gellaho
Fuck, you. He's a Dodge Charger now
suck it
hype slug jakesy
Runya? I barely know ya!
gellaho
Runya is some guy he cheated at a poker game in the first chapter
I didn't know it would be the only plot point
Sorry, a "Groth" game
Dr Shark
Wasn't that the animal Gambler shot for fun?
gellaho
Rip Pike?
gellaho
This is just nonsense
Goddammit
gellaho
Goddammit
hype slug jakesy
I love how he describes a Phoenix and then is like “it’s a punching bog”
Ah there we go
Dr Shark
"This Phoenix is totally something I, David Peters, Recognized Genius and Very Funny Man, created. Trust me."
Old Man Brendan
Feels like if you can change shape instantaneously, you'd be above gladiatorial combat.
gellaho
I've got about 40 pages for a plot to happen
Old Man Brendan
I refuse to believe this is the same author who wrote so many great Hulk stories, including Future Imperfect.
gellaho
Bhodi Li: Sexually Aroused by Disappointed Fathers
Dr Shark
Is it? His name seems kinda common.
"Note to David Peters from David Peters: 'Wanamaker' too on the nose for potential sex pest?"
JCantrell
It is actually him, I believe someone looked it up
gellaho
Sorry
Dr Shark
That's just sad.
Old Man Brendan
We reached common consensus he was pen-naming after he thanked everyone at Marvel.
hype slug jakesy
Better not use your fucking mimeographs to reproduce this
Old Man Brendan
Our hero uses women sexually to provoke their fathers.
JCantrell
A weirdly common trope if you think about it
Let's not do that
Anyway...
Dr Shark
That is why Man God created them. They're the ACME products to rile up older men.
gellaho
Fucking, how do you know that Gambler
You are an ALIEN
JCantrell
By the way I missed most of this what's going on?
Dr Shark
Bhodi's the fucking worst, and Gambler is worse.
GDC
nothing is going on.
JCantrell
Quick summarize the book so far in three sentences
gellaho
There's a new guy on the Photon team called Gambler. He rhymes and is gasp evil
GDC
wait, is rhyming part of his ruse?
what does that accomplish?
Old Man Brendan
Gambler wants to fuck a redhead teen. Bhodi Li makes out with other teens to anger their fathers. A shapeshifter turned into a Phoenix to throw a gladitorial contest.
JCantrell
Ok, so I'm unclear on basically, everything our heroes are trying to accomplish in the series as a whole. Is it just laser tag? Are they real lasers? Do people die?
Dr Shark
It fools Bhodi, apparently
JCantrell
What are the stakes?
gellaho
Leon: giant lizard warrior and coward
gellaho
beats me
JCantrell
You've read two of these books
gellaho
The first one had the Nazis as the stakes
I have no idea what the stakes of this one are
hype slug jakesy
I think there’s still this general “warrrlord is trying to destroy the universe” thing but that hasn’t really come into play
JCantrell
Is it like Voltron but with laser tag? Is that what this is?
Old Man Brendan
The lasers blow everything up, but you aim for the target, which instead sends its wearer back to home base. It makes...no sense.
JCantrell
Because fuck you if that's what this is
gellaho
The last book was about them trying to recruit Hitler
Old Man Brendan
Hitlarr
JCantrell
They had a tv show and wrote so many of these books and don't seem to grasp the plot any better than we do
JCantrell
I am aware
Still trying to figure that out
gellaho
It's about the light and the dark
You know, Star Wars garbage
JCantrell
On a more meta level I'm trying to figure out why they thought involving Hitler and the holocaust in this was a good idea
Dr Shark
Also, minor point: one of the six Evil Generals is named Bugarr, who is just a guy with a gun. Another is named Dogarr, and has a scorpion tail.
GDC
I think there are a lot of questionable choices on their part
Old Man Brendan
Fun fact, all of these Warriarrs are Dugarr children.
gellaho
Gambler has turned off the planet's force field
Dr Shark
The force field is controlled by a cartoonishly large lever?
JCantrell
You know what this kids laser tag franchise needs? Some holocaust references
GDC
yeah, one of those big old frankensteins switches
gellaho
This doesn't have the cartoonish whiplash of the Holocaust/children's story of the last book
But it's so fucking weird
JCantrell
The darkness grows
If I knew what that meant I'd be scared probably
Dr Shark
Pirarr has a pirate voice, despite not being from Earth and never seeing Treasure Island.
gellaho
He's literally a pirate
He was the one in charge of recruiting Hitler
JCantrell
The tone is a weird mix of dark and insanely silly, like animorphs
Dr Shark
I'll take that over more of Gambler's rhymes.
hype slug jakesy
It’s the perfect book in the age of the Hungry Hungry Pelotons
gellaho
These Arrian ships seem remarkably shitty
JCantrell
I never get rhyming characters in fiction, it's harder to write and while also making them deeply insufferable
Its a lot of effort for no good reason, much like all of creeds discography
gellaho
So I guess he meant to say "projecton" earlier
That sucks
JCantrell
Wait they have the same weakness as those dudes from power rangers?
gellaho
It's literally laser tag
Ok. I think it's back
More fun for the kids
And I guess Warriarr is on the cover
Dr Shark
Okay, I wasn't the only one.
gellaho
I was going to be so pissed, I'm almost done
Dr Shark
Is everyone else back?
GDC
yeah, it's back for me
gellaho
Warriarr sucks
gellaho
Why is he on the cover
Dr Shark
They should've had the Phoenix instead
Old Man Brendan
If you can endlessly torture these guys, why would you keep respawning them back at base?
See how much fight is in them after they've spent a week getting their nuts photon-lasered.
gellaho
How could they possibly hit an exposed area
gellaho
Dr Shark
Dammit! If only there was some opening in his armor!
GDC
that is the expression of a man who just failed to land an axe kick.
gellaho
These books should really be about Lord Baethan
Old Man Brendan
At Warriar Technical Univarrsity, you'll learn critical skills for today's hot job market, like soldarring, carr reparr, and pick-up arrtist skills in case you meet a princess with a perv daddy.
Dr Shark
Baethan rules.
gellaho
Old Man Brendan
GAMBLARR, CLASS of '82: "Definitely glad I enrolled here I am, lad, I destroyed a planetary shield and used a girl to piss off her dad."
gellaho
Thanks.
gellaho
Dr Shark
I doubt there's enough glory to make your first book worth seeing, Peters. And yes, I know you meant the title.
gellaho
Prisms
gellaho
gellaho
Son of a bitch
GDC
i need a drink after that last simile.
hype slug jakesy
Yeah discord shit the bed for a sec
Ugh is Peters worse than Milan with these jokes
Dr Shark
Goddammit again Bhodi
gellaho
Bhodi Li: Snitch
gellaho
Time for armed combat
Dr Shark
In the area? Just, the general location?
gellaho
I think that was supposed to be arena
He got some great editors on this
Dr Shark
Probably, but Peters squandered benefit of the doubt long ago.
gellaho
I love this excuse. "It was too noisy, so I shut down your planetary shields"
gellaho
Goodbye, Gambler
Dr Shark
"Emperor, should we try your daughter for war crimes and high treason?" "No. She is grounded."
Old Man Brendan
What happened to the ten-year-old wearing a 40-lb computer backpack, did he also elude the four-armed murder-monsters?
gellaho
he's around
He didn't do much in this one
Old Man Brendan
Trial by combat for the fate of the universe.
gellaho
BUT WHAT OF MOM!?!?
Old Man Brendan
Why'd Gambler get his mind wiped? Why did he have to leave?
gellaho
To be continued in THE SEARCH FOR MOM
Old Man Brendan
And why did a guy whose wife let him put 12 babies into her think he had any chance of controlling the oldest?
gellaho
He turned off the planetary forcefield to try and impress a girl
Old Man Brendan
She was DOOMED to rebel against his Shakespearen fathering skills.
gellaho
Which allowed theArrians to attack
Dr Shark
He'd have to first acknowledge she could act on her own.
gellaho
Now we wait until next time, so we can find mommy
Dr Shark
That was fun. Thanks @gellaho
Old Man Brendan
Reveal: MOM is the princesses' mother
Always a pleasure, @gellaho -- you're our favorite librarian.
gellaho
It's been a real good three weeks
I'm still trying to process the weird 12 princess dance
Dr Shark
That was messed up.
Old Man Brendan
Rotoscope: Womanhood
Dr Shark
THAT was the word. Thank you!
Kept thinking, what the hell was the image series to progress like the steps of evolution? Not "mobius strip"
Old Man Brendan
I've got a Muybridge in front of me, so I cheated.
.jpg)
