15: High Stakes David Peters

gellaho

Where do you go after Hitler? The Gambler! We will be returning to intense world of laser tag this Friday, 5pm Eastern. It's Photon #2: High Stakes by David Peters/Peter David

gellaho

gellaho

Photon: High Stakes is coming up on the hour.

gellaho

So, how do you follow up Hitler and the Holocaust?

If you guessed an extended pun, you'd be right

gellaho

Oh, God. He's going to keep doing it

Dr Shark

Is he going for Douglas Adams/Terry Pratchett?

gellaho

He's going for some kind of whimsy

gellaho

I don't care for it

gellaho

Is he trying to flirt with his teacher?

Dr Shark

I think so. How the hell do you "wave" eyebrows? Unless they're detachable.

gellaho

These jokes are going to kill me

hype slug jakesy

Uh oh, David’s about to go Full Milan

Never go full Milan

gellaho

With my secret identity as Bhodi Li, I am a master warrior -hold on, I gotta lock up my bicycle

gellaho

I think someone from the company yelled at Peter David for not including enough laser tag in the last one

They let him publish a Nazi adventure, but they need to sell the laser tag

Dr Shark

That kid he shot is dead, right?

gellaho

He's going through his anime girl transformation sequence

gellaho

No, he's actually playing regular laser tag there

For about three seconds, then he's turned into BHODI LI

Dr Shark

gotcha

gellaho

Jesus, Bhodi you are an asshole

gellaho

Leon is a common lizard name

hype slug jakesy

Are we also supposed to know how big MX missiles are?

GDC

Seems like an unsafe way to hold a bazooka.

gellaho

I was hoping someone else would

If I don't get Lord Baethan this time

gellaho

So help me God, David Peters/Peter David

Dr Shark

Wait, he's a Star Wizard as well as a cyborg with glorious hair? Fuck yes.

gellaho

If you are going to write about them this way, don't make them 17

Dr Shark

You all take bets on which kids you know are going to fuck each other, right?

gellaho

It's so weird to me that they named their supercomputer MOM. That's not going to sell it as cool

hype slug jakesy

I wonder if that’s Peters hitting back at the toy company for saying he needs to throw in more laser tag

gellaho

I think the Hitler book would have been enough

Dr Shark

If you can't sell something with Hitler, you're not cut out for marketing.

gellaho

Bhodi Li is basically Joe Hardy

hype slug jakesy

I still can’t see Bhodi Li without immediately thinking Geddy Lee

gellaho

Bhodi Li is such a weird choice for a name

Geddy's parents survived the Holocaust so I imagine he'd have a different reaction than "Buh, what's the Holocaust?"

hype slug jakesy

Touché

Dr Shark

His response would probably be punching the author.

gellaho

Parcival is a ten year old

hype slug jakesy

“A Naz-a-whatzit?”

Dr Shark

"Joo-squeez-it?" Seriously?

hype slug jakesy

Lol translates as Gambler

gellaho

I repeat: ten years old

I don't know why he doesn't get the Photon energy transformation, but whatever

hype slug jakesy

So I was on the right track, Bhodi Li is Rush and Jwwwskqeezit is Kenny Rogers

gellaho

These feminazis, amirite

hype slug jakesy

Bhodi says feminists are the real Nazis

Dr Shark

"Yeah, woman who gets victimized by every threat we encounter. Just respect men!"

gellaho

As if to prove the point

quit whinin' ladies

hype slug jakesy

Ok MOM

Dr Shark

MOM says sex isn't important, and as a 17-year-old I was about to correct her.

GDC

I can't get over how petulant the capitalization makes it sound.

Dr Shark

It does have the energy of a kid being told to take out the trash.

gellaho

All space aliens talk like Shaggy

Dr Shark

No red flags here.

gellaho

This probably would have been good information for the last book

gellaho

But Peter David wanted to get straight into Hitler

100 years seems like a long time

hype slug jakesy

Hmm so they didn’t actually kill this warlord last time huh. Just his minions

Dr Shark

We have the source of all life. We use it to play laser tag. Suck it, Universe

gellaho

No, they shot their power pads and sent them back to their evil base

Barf

Dr Shark

"Fuck you, Bhodi."

hype slug jakesy

I like how he’s not “the gambler” or anything. Just gambler

gellaho

Oh, I guess we're sticking with that name

Dr Shark

eeesh

hype slug jakesy

Lol Arrian race is so brutal

gellaho

Soldarrs

JCantrell

That should have been the title of the Hitler book

Dr Shark

"Arrian Attack" or "Oh, I Guess We're Sticking With That Name"?

gellaho

It's almost like he's daring someone to stop him

Dr Shark

The change of tenses in the final paragraph is painful.

gellaho

OK, fuck you. I'm being pranked

That's the corniest shit

hype slug jakesy

Lol

David Shakedownville Peters

gellaho

This is some commitment to this stupid bit

I should have known when he actually did the Hitlarr bit, but

Dr Shark

Based on the other names, that means Bugarr annoys people and Dogarr follows people around?

gellaho

I think it means they look like a bug and a dog

Pirarr is a pirate

Mandarr is a human (man-darr)

Dr Shark

That makes sense. I'm just lost on what that says about Destructarr

gellaho

Destructar is a giant alien with a huge mace and laser cannon

Warriar got punked out in the first book

Dr Shark

I feel like he's cheating with Destructar. You can look like you bring destruction, but you can't look like destruction itself.

gellaho

I'm not sure if this is warriarr or destructarr

hype slug jakesy

He is become death

Bodhi Li giving it up on the first date here

gellaho

I don't like this punking out of Lord Baethan

gellaho

Photonium

Dr Shark

In hindsight, we probably should have had people there to keep the cargo secure. Oh well.

gellaho

Bhodi Li: Professional Moron

I guess I might have been wrong about Dogarr

Why would Dogarr have the scorpion tail?

Dr Shark

That's a clear Bugarr accessory. Dammit Peters, keep your shit in order!

hype slug jakesy

Yeah usually when you have valuable resources you put them all in one place and lightly guard it

Standard procedure

gellaho

I know these books aren't copy edited, but "projecton?"

I'm trying to remember the really egregious typo in the last one

hype slug jakesy

It was something with random characters

It was like st%*rs

gellaho

It was something like how#j

Dr Shark

Oh come on. that's a sneeze-induced typo.

I'll probably say this at least a dozen more times before the end, but for fuck's sake peters

gellaho

Bye Mandarr

gellaho

Warriarr gets punted out early again

gellaho

Lowest on the power rankings

Nevermind, they all suck

Dr Shark

Oh, they get teleported. Okay, that covers how they can keep showing up.

hype slug jakesy

Hahaha

“We can’t see anything! Fire blindly!”

Dr Shark

"It's the perfect defense!"

gellaho

I'm guessing Gambler is turning and becoming Gamblarr

Dr Shark

Who's Jon?

gellaho

Gambler talks in rhyme. I hate it!

Dr Shark

ARRRGGGHHHH

gellaho

Dr Shark

"Here's a rhyme for you Gambler: Go fuck yourself."

gellaho

That's just a taste of what I'm experiencing

hype slug jakesy

Hate hate hate

Dr Shark

stay strong @gellaho

gellaho

What

Dr Shark

"Fuck you too, Bhodi."

gellaho

I see someone saw The Wrath of Khan

Dr Shark

If Khan or even Ricardo Montalban appeared and kicked Bhodi's ass right now, this would be the greatest book ever written.

gellaho

Parcival. Is. Ten.

gellaho

Aaaaaaaaaaaaagggghhhhh

Dr Shark

Seconded. AAAAAGGGGGHHHH

gellaho

Fuck you

gellaho

Son of a bitch has gone meta

gellaho

The more and more I read these crappy books, I realize that meta comedy has been around forever and it was always terrible

Dr Shark

How many have you read so far?

Also, that mom is a saint for not kicking his ass.

gellaho

This is the second Photon. In general, 18

Dr Shark

Daaamn

gellaho

I wonder if Gambler is a bad guy

Dr Shark

Naaaah. Who hasn't tried to blow off steam by shooting a random animal?

gellaho

Come on

Dr Shark

That is a clever reference and you are correct to recognize it, David Peters.

gellaho

Some good science for the kids

gellaho

RIP Tivia

gellaho

Fucking Hardy Boys-esque rejection of danger

Dr Shark

"Tivia's probably going to blame this on men," Bhodi thought with his perfect male brain.

gellaho

Try more sexist

He's earned his woman

Dr Shark

Seriously?! GODDAMMIT PETERS!

gellaho

Have fun, kids!

Dr Shark

"Peters, we looked at your manuscript. Is this about us asking for more laser tag?"

gellaho

Fucking, what?

hype slug jakesy

Dave’s running out of ideas already

gellaho

Bhodi Li: Alien Racist

Dr Shark

Eyes! Wheels! But it's a potato!

Dr Shark

Sorry Bhodi. I just assumed based on your personality that you'd have equally clammy hands.

gellaho

These jokes are the worst

Dr Shark

ugh

gellaho

Don't sexualize the children

Dr Shark

also, side note: if I'm doing too many reactions, please let me know and I'll tone it down.

hype slug jakesy

You are doing an appropriate amount of reactions

gellaho

it's fine

hype slug jakesy

This is crazy shit

gellaho

it lets me know people are paying attention

I'm halfway through the book and I'm not sure the plot has started

Dr Shark

If Peters isn't careful, all this leg stuff is going to summon Brooke.

hype slug jakesy

More like Boney Li amirite

Giving myself the pug for that one

gellaho

The emperor is described as a fifty year old man and

Dr Shark

fair

gellaho

Fucking what

hype slug jakesy

Hahaha how many dogs has Peters thrown out of cars

gellaho

that's the craziest simile I'm ever read

And I've read two Victor Milan books

hype slug jakesy

He’s killed more pets than a peloton coming off a hunger strike

Dr Shark

I guess Diebel is one of Peter's fans.

gellaho

nice

Tivia, I think the name explains it

It's pretty goddamn self-explanatory

Dr Shark

"What is self?"

gellaho

I guess the game show host thing was literal

hype slug jakesy

Hmmm

Dr Shark

The most lovely or handsome species, not even slaves. So if Bhodi wants to fuck a squirrel he thinks is giving him the eye, it's cool.

gellaho

This is the craziest thing I've ever read

I got nothing

Old Man Brendan

Catch me up, time moved slower back on Earth.

hype slug jakesy

Is David hornier for kids than JD or Milan?

Dr Shark

Guardians have recruited an insufferable rhymer named Gambler.

Old Man Brendan

Bhodi, have some dignity.

gellaho

My brain is breaking

Dr Shark

Tivia almost died in the vacuum of space.

Old Man Brendan

I mean, I get it. I dated a redhead at that age, but like...you don't say that part out loud.

gellaho

I'm not sober enough for this

Dr Shark

I think you're caught up. David Peters thinks he can tell jokes.

gellaho

Legit, almost nothing has actually happened. A new guy called the Gambler has joined the team. He's a dick and talks in rhyme

I don't know what to do with any of this

Old Man Brendan

Etrigan-Gambit, got it.

gellaho

Like, this is fucking crazy

I didn't skip any introduction, this just happened. Twelve daughters showed up and things went straight out the window

Dr Shark

Maybe slightly more Fonzie than Etrigan in rhyming.

hype slug jakesy

Yeah Peters thinks he’s a comedian now and he’s very bad at it

gellaho

Fucking what

hype slug jakesy

Nobody bangs the emperors daughters except the emperor

gellaho

Haaaaaaa

gellaho

I don't know if I'm ready for this

Dr Shark

"Gambler, same poem as before: Go fuck yourself."

Old Man Brendan

Ugh, Gambler, I hate you.

He's like...elderly white person rap.

Dr Shark

He's getting worse too.

hype slug jakesy

I mean more complicated than what? Nothings happened so far

Dr Shark

Maybe it's more obligatory laser tag.

gellaho

I will draw power from my Steele shirt

GDC

I hate all of these characters so much.

hype slug jakesy

Just one, son!

Dr Shark

Don't hit on the emperor's son either, Gambler!

gellaho

"Bros before Hos" Gambler

Dr Shark

Is Gambler speaking without rhyming supposed to be the signal that he's eviling?

Old Man Brendan

...is that a Steele blanket?

gellaho

It's my Steele shirt

I screen printed it to celebrate my completion of the series

gellaho

You're, right. That would be helpful

It has fuck-all to do with anything, but go for it Bhodi

hype slug jakesy

maaaaan

Dr Shark

Sure would be nice if we could just stop the villain and not have countless innocents die.

gellaho

It's almost like it's a game of laser tag

gellaho

Dr Shark

I think you're reaching.

Old Man Brendan

Bhodi is SO CLOSE to realizing this is all a construct to train him for some ulterior cause.

gellaho

You love it, kids

hype slug jakesy

Bhodi isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed

Though he’s definitely a tool

Dr Shark

I thought deductive reasoning was beyond him.

gellaho

Apparently, Pike can shapeshift

Also, fuck these rhymes

GDC

It's not clever if you just make up the words.

You're not dr seuss.

hype slug jakesy

It’s an awful boxing reference for some reason

Dr Shark

"This is what the kids like, right? Rhyming and violent deaths?"

gellaho

Fuck, you. He's a Dodge Charger now

suck it

hype slug jakesy

Runya? I barely know ya!

gellaho

Runya is some guy he cheated at a poker game in the first chapter

I didn't know it would be the only plot point

Sorry, a "Groth" game

Dr Shark

Wasn't that the animal Gambler shot for fun?

gellaho

Rip Pike?

gellaho

This is just nonsense

Goddammit

gellaho

Goddammit

hype slug jakesy

I love how he describes a Phoenix and then is like “it’s a punching bog”

Ah there we go

Dr Shark

"This Phoenix is totally something I, David Peters, Recognized Genius and Very Funny Man, created. Trust me."

Old Man Brendan

Feels like if you can change shape instantaneously, you'd be above gladiatorial combat.

gellaho

I've got about 40 pages for a plot to happen

Old Man Brendan

I refuse to believe this is the same author who wrote so many great Hulk stories, including Future Imperfect.

gellaho

Bhodi Li: Sexually Aroused by Disappointed Fathers

Dr Shark

Is it? His name seems kinda common.

"Note to David Peters from David Peters: 'Wanamaker' too on the nose for potential sex pest?"

JCantrell

It is actually him, I believe someone looked it up

gellaho

Sorry

Dr Shark

That's just sad.

Old Man Brendan

We reached common consensus he was pen-naming after he thanked everyone at Marvel.

hype slug jakesy

Better not use your fucking mimeographs to reproduce this

Old Man Brendan

Our hero uses women sexually to provoke their fathers.

JCantrell

A weirdly common trope if you think about it

Let's not do that

Anyway...

Dr Shark

That is why Man God created them. They're the ACME products to rile up older men.

gellaho

Fucking, how do you know that Gambler

You are an ALIEN

JCantrell

By the way I missed most of this what's going on?

Dr Shark

Bhodi's the fucking worst, and Gambler is worse.

GDC

nothing is going on.

JCantrell

Quick summarize the book so far in three sentences

gellaho

There's a new guy on the Photon team called Gambler. He rhymes and is gasp evil

GDC

wait, is rhyming part of his ruse?

what does that accomplish?

Old Man Brendan

Gambler wants to fuck a redhead teen. Bhodi Li makes out with other teens to anger their fathers. A shapeshifter turned into a Phoenix to throw a gladitorial contest.

JCantrell

Ok, so I'm unclear on basically, everything our heroes are trying to accomplish in the series as a whole. Is it just laser tag? Are they real lasers? Do people die?

Dr Shark

It fools Bhodi, apparently

JCantrell

What are the stakes?

gellaho

Leon: giant lizard warrior and coward

gellaho

beats me

JCantrell

You've read two of these books

gellaho

The first one had the Nazis as the stakes

I have no idea what the stakes of this one are

hype slug jakesy

I think there’s still this general “warrrlord is trying to destroy the universe” thing but that hasn’t really come into play

JCantrell

Is it like Voltron but with laser tag? Is that what this is?

Old Man Brendan

The lasers blow everything up, but you aim for the target, which instead sends its wearer back to home base. It makes...no sense.

JCantrell

Because fuck you if that's what this is

gellaho

The last book was about them trying to recruit Hitler

Old Man Brendan

Hitlarr

JCantrell

They had a tv show and wrote so many of these books and don't seem to grasp the plot any better than we do

JCantrell

I am aware

Still trying to figure that out

gellaho

It's about the light and the dark

You know, Star Wars garbage

JCantrell

On a more meta level I'm trying to figure out why they thought involving Hitler and the holocaust in this was a good idea

Dr Shark

Also, minor point: one of the six Evil Generals is named Bugarr, who is just a guy with a gun. Another is named Dogarr, and has a scorpion tail.

GDC

I think there are a lot of questionable choices on their part

Old Man Brendan

Fun fact, all of these Warriarrs are Dugarr children.