#5 Photon
This week, we continue our Photon journey with A Photon Adventure Novel #5: Photon: The Ultimate Game on Planet Earth: Exile by David Peters. This time it's all about Tivia! And she's purple now for some reason! Will David Peters/Peter David finally succeed in his quest to drive me insane? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we journey into the disgusting world of men.
@Brockway In order to figure out if you are in the 99% of all men who are creeps, or the 1% who have creep tendencies, I'll ask you to pin this please
Coming up on the hour, Photon #5. Peter David certainly has a way with words
Every Photon book baffles me
"Good. That's just what I've been looking for."
"Well, there they are."
"Good. That's where I want them to be."
"Then you're in luck."
"What is Star Wars? Never heard of it."
"Is it a Crystal Night?"
Even after following you through all the other books, after reading the first one I can't believe they allowed more to be published
It somehow got crazier than laser tag Nazis
Right?!
Mr. Goodscum to the front desk. The front desk is looking for Mr. Goodscum.
“Bhodi Li moistened his lips before blurting out ‘what’s a walrus?’”
You got one more book to go, bud
Paul and Carol, you monsters
Be sure to wait on describing your core concept on book 5
He's starting with describing the actual game though. How many steps is it going to take to get to "we restarted the universe"?
This is such a weird thing to do on book 5
Hey kids, Peter David here!
I don't know how you can bring yourself to write a page like this
"Jesus, it all looks pretty stupid written all out like that, huh?"
Maybe this was his attempt to let his editors know how stupid this whole thing has been
“I know you’re not reading this, fuckos”
"I'm going to spell this out to you bastards and dare you to tell me it's cool"
Also, still no good description of Bugarr
Hey, dummies
Just in case you started with Photon #5
For those of you reading in the waiting room of a dentist office
Pete wading into lip territory
"Make herself not hysterical. Not let her emotions take hold. Achieve a state of lucid placidity"
They have understudy princesses?
The part of Princess in today’s show will be played by Duria
"Tivia lets us watch movies and eat candy"
"Exceptional men"
"Duria, have you ever met Bhodi Li?"
You know, like Bhodi Li, the 10 year old nerd, the lizard man, Mr. Potato Head, and the cyborg wizard
To be fair, Parcival will probably conquer the world when he hits 12
Ancestresses
"Mom, not everyone is on board with turkey basters"
Oh no, is earth the descendants of the exiled men?
I am predicting it will be that dumb.
That sounds very very likely
I will never get over “Tivia of Nivia”
Master of Trivia
Powered by Nvidia
Drinker of Zevia
If so, they have the right to be concerned about radical feminists
Destroyer of Chlamydia
We don't need men, that's why our planet is less populated than New York
very efficient reproduction
"Mom, they don't resent it. There's whole genres of movies based around this"
Men can fetishize and resent something at the same time, tbf
Okay, true
Truly a regal outfit
Yep. Yellow and green
Of course, all planets eventually develop the nunchuck
I don't know if "slapping" is the verb to use there
Thigh high boots, what every warrior wears
10 to 1 they have high heels
Oh you bet
Slappin her bangin titties around with homemade nunchucks
"Uh, Peter? She's still 17"
Good to see that the names on Nivia follow the feminine naming convention of the romance languages
I'll be surprised if I encounter a name not ending in "a"
Centura was destined to be old, wasn't she?
It’s definitely just a discount Themyscara
"My stars, a man!?"
When not dressed for battle there is zero chance they’re not walking around in flowy, empire-waisted dresses
Sandals
Lol the backup princess was doing it for the clout
Peter, I'm not sure you know what you are doing
No, go ahead, Peter. You've got this
Oh no, this is about to get real dumb, isn’t it?
Probably
Reminder: this is Lydia's favorite author
Duria is a rad go-kart racer or something and is super cranky that she's going to have to attend space galas and meet with space dignitaries
Yeah, there's no way Christopher Jarvis/Bhodi Li is muscular
Duria's going to be pissed when she hears about durian fruits
I'll never stop loving how dope everyone thinks Bhodi is despite his every word, thought and action sucking so much
"I'M GOING TO LOOK LIKE SUCH A NERD IF I DON'T GO TO IHOP, DAD!"
It's like the whole series is pranking us
"If I can't have a Rootie Tootie Fresh N Fruitie, I'm basically a virgin for life!"
Why do you give a shit Bhodi? The universe is a sick game of some B-tier watchers. You have a space girlfriend! You were named Murdarr like 7 days ago
Who gives a shit about IHOP
Bhodi Li is the dumbest person who ever lived
Ahahaha I was going to make some crack about the boy whining about prom
You have literally met God
Dude was literally at D-Day and is complaining about not being able to go to prom
Junior prom
HE. MET. HITLER.
You're fucking lucky I have to go to space to fight Hitlarr, dad
He met Churchill
Didn't know who Churchill was though
He didn't know who Hitler was either!
Fucking...he didn't know what D-Day was despite his grandpa telling him in agonizing detail
goddammit Peter
The creators of Superman, Peter David? Really
What?
To be fair who cares about earth wars. He might be really knowledgeable in the Blarkiab conflicts of Scramvlaws fourth moon
Siegel and Shuster
He's riding his bike to play laser tag, and he's so mad that he can't go to IHOP that he wrecked his bike
because he's 8 years old
Who were also Jewish, so Bhodi probably never heard of them
I feel like this crack about Bhodi Li's action figure's hair is a reference
But I ain't gonna look into Photon action figures
That's the line you won't cross?
yes
Every cover has him with blond hair, and this book said it was dark so I don't even know what color it's supposed to be
Does his hair color change when he becomes Bhodi Li?
Tivia's fucking skin color changes, I don't care about his hair color
It might just be shitty stilted dialogue
And not a clever little Marvel style nod
What did it take to get fired as a comic writer
You spoke too soon
Each piece of this action figure comes from re-using the mold of a different action figure.
Sorry. I'm assuming that's what you meant
Hahaha
Well, I mean the whole thing was kinda baffling. Like he ate shit because he wasn’t paying attention, immediately recovered (superhumanly?) and then continued riding around recklessly
lol, true
Peter, either explain it or don't explain it
Pick a lane
"I kill everyone and drop clones in place when I send you back, Bhodi"
I don't think Peter David knows what slacks are
that's a vaseline dispenser.
He's completely smooth. Like a doll
Son, why do you have a laser blast wound?
What a tremendous moron
Exiled into oblivia
“Whose face was the most mobile”? What the fuck does that mean?
Just the dumbest person
This, this exceptional male specimen…I must mate with him immediately
"That selfish asshole! Why would she do this to me?"
Is Tivia just really into himbos?
Maybe
I mean, I get it
They kissed in the second book and he still is like "buh, what she luvs me?"
She's gotta be pretty desperate
"we've only made out several times?"
I do hope we find out Leon's been pining for Bhodi this whole time
He saw Bhodi and Tivia making out and ran away crying
The dumbest protagonist
Bhodi, what?
"You fucking idiot. I don't know why I ever loved you"
Also, Leon with the clap back
Bhodi Li does not read the prepared briefing.
Fuck, he's so stupid
"We go underwater in spaceship? How we breathe?"
Leon is catty as hell and I love him for it
This is just idiocy after idiocy
I like that the other characters are fed up with his shit
Everyone's dumping on him. It's like they finally heard us
Jesus Christ
HAHAHAHA oh my god
By the end of this, they're just going to be pummeling him with pipes and hammers as a group
The most exceptional man!
Christ, Tivia. Have some fucking standards
Bhodi remembered when Tivia said she loved him, even though he was confused about that two minutes ago
"Huh, I guess we had the ingredients of a relationship. But...nah, just my imagination"
This is outta control
Ice cream cones without the ice cream. Or: cones
Maybe all the head trauma is catching up with him
He is so bad at describing things.
So he’s traveled all over space and time
And he still expects things to be like they are in comics
This is a 17 year old who didn't know anything about Hitler or WWII even though his grandfather talked about it constantly
"What the hell? I can't fuck any of these fish"
Maybe if you gave him a WWII comic instead of jawing off, grandpa
Here's Pike, the shapeshifter Mr Potato Head, being confused by a hologram not needing to breathe
Every other time we've encountered Warriarr, he's immediately been punked out. Let's see what happens this time
"...I lost my best friends on the beaches of Normandy"
"Whatever, old man"
“The horrors I saw in the camps…” “I went to camp too! I like canoes”
Jesus, Warriarr sucks
Bhodi Li literally saved his grandmother from the trains taking her to a concentration camp and did not recognize her appearance or name
Be thankful, Warriarr. If Peter had ever seen hentai, you'd be begging for death right now
So this dude appears for like 1 page just to be eaten by a squid. Cool story bro
Yay, they recharged the Photon crystal. Why are you wasting my time with this, Peter.
Bleblublins
Perfect. No notes
The Warlord of Arr appears to be breaking up with the Arrians
Why is Warriarr drenched if it was a hologram? Did he swim in a pool for verisimilitude?
“It’s not you, it’s me”
I just think we want different things out of this.
Hey, Peter. Don't do footnotes
Oh come on, it’s not like this is easy for me
"People change. That's just a fact of life"
I hope you liked Chapter 4
hahahaha
It was three pages long
Okay, bets right now: is the pun going to be 'regulated' or 'registered'?
I thought it was a dig at guys named Reggie
Tivia begins her conversion to tomboy
I hope you weren't expecting a payoff
DAMN YOU, PETER!!!
The only option after being expelled from the world of women is pretend to be a man
So she looks like a punk girl with pubes on her face
Parcival is a 10 year old black orphan who lives on Interstellar, the Photon headquarters
for some reason, that's not an option for the former princess
Yeah, MOM really dropping the ball here.
CPS has MOM under surveillance. She can't take on more wards right now
You can tell how serious this warrior woman is because she took the incredibly drastic step of taking off her mascara.
And you have to address the tits
Tiv, you need a proper binder. Using an elastic wrap is dangerous
Dangerous in a harmful way or a wardrobe-malfunction way?
Tivia is immediately propositioned by a prostitute
Although the word 'thin' makes it sound like she's using bungee cord
Harmful. I was half joking but folks who use ACE bandages and stuff to bind can cut off circulation, etc
I know the first book had Hitler in it, but these are supposed to sell laser tag to children
I shouldn't be surprised, and yet I am
"Pete, we're cutting the chapter where Tivia gets offered a blowie in an alleyway if she can spare some heroin"
I do not understand this plan
A little late but here's Warriarr
His posture sucks
"Here's some Star Wars molds that came out off-model. You can use them for your laser tag line."
So Tivia's plan is to see the worst men possible to scare her not-straight?
Shots for the 17 year old
That’s how gay works, right?
It must. It's not like it could happen naturally
Reenar: the fiercest name Peter could think of
Only men do shots, apparently. I’ll have to tell all the college girls that hang out in the bars downstairs
Ironically, Reenar has kidney problems
I literally don't understand why she can't just go hang out with the Photon gang
which is all she's been doing
Hes the embodiment of renal failure
Reenar rhymes with wiener.
If that was your joke and I stepped on it, forgive me
But also these colors don’t run and I have no regrets
haha, you're good dude
U-S-A! FOUR O CLOCK!
Names are hard
Two of these companions would later get sued by Neil Gaiman
The other three apparently went on to draw x-men comics?
Skeritt you say
This reminds me
https://youtu.be/6X9tBHX_Fl4
Don't link that! Tivia's trying to see the worst men
Exceptional Men.
Tivia is unfamiliar with these emo-tions, even though there's no reason for that to be the case
Ok I don’t know the context but that’s clearly a nod to some dudes named “Sienkewicz” and “McFarlane” and I feel like you coulda just left that out man
You didn’t have to stuff your buddies’ names in there
"I'm writing about an underage girl and I thought of you guys!"
There was a Raiders of the Lost Arc reference in Photon #1, Peter David refuses
It’s like how all the Steele books have the character George T.T. Marvin
Tivia did at least learn that men never betray other men
Meanwhile, Bhodi asks Tivia's mom if he can take her to Junior Prom
Legend
Hahahaha
I hope Bhodi gets one of his tits cut off, gets lectured on this rumored Amazonian practice and bleeds out
Bhodi Li, seer of god and destroyer of worlds, is still thinking about prom
Maybe if things go really well, he'll take Tivia to the IHOP
It goes about as well as expected
I’m wondering if Peter David writes Bhodi like a dipshit because he’s 17
There's strong evidence Peter's working through some personal issues in these books
The third book was about two computers called MOM and DAD fighting, so yeah
Haha
Well it sounds silly when you put it that way.
Everyone in Photon is a moron
"We still use windows and visual tracking"
The guy at the Space Guard Shack can’t even see it!
They were surprised when he put it on his space ship because they had all been eating it.
I guess pirate iconography is universal
What kind of skull, Pete?
The fact that there is a literal space pirate Arrian named Pirarr in addition to this shit is staggering
Waalt was named right as his parents stubbed their toes
His descriptions are so unhelpful
So...orc?
Orc
How much you wanna bet the big reveal is that he’s actually Reenarr
I'll give Pete this one. An orc offering a cookie is charming
Oh, hey. Pirarr
Who would have guessed
Warriarr shouldn't really be throwing shade with his record
It's also impossible to recognize someone by their upper face
The eyes aren't the window to the soul after all
Jesus, Warriarr sucks
See?!
Warriarr probably is only allowed safety scissors
"See, this is why you can't go places in person."
He had more arms before the thresher incident
The Arrians suck so hard
Listen, we have to team up to defeat this group of six. Three of them are children!
Reenar really knows how to wring the shame out of these guys
I'm liking Reenar
