Let's try this again. Simon Hawke does...comedy? This Friday, 5pm eastern, read as a time travelling nerd bumbles his way through the past and talks to a toilet in The Reluctant Sorcerer! I have a feeling this is going to be painful.
No interruptions this time
Thanks for the pin
Anytime, anyplace, anywhere, if you ever need me, I'll be there.
Can you help me move a couch?
https://davidmattingly.com/
“It’s a livin’!”
"Whaddya want? I got a hammer. I got a beard. I'm basically a Thor, ain't I?"
Also with this face I had to do it
“I don’t know, I just thought you could use this sword”
An excellent decision
It is superb
Coming up at 5pm, it's Simon Hawke's comedic fantasy book: The Reluctant Sorcerer
ooooohhhh boy
I really hope that wasn't one of his best examples of witty dialogue
wait, shit. He's trying to do 'character can hear narrator' AND 'out of sync dialogue' at once
This one's for Yang
And all these dudes
We start with a nerd ignoring his lady friend to watch Frankenstein
"Which was weird because she normally had a pinched, screechy voice with a thick German accent"
And Simon Hawke is *into* it
Hahaha
hahaha
God dam big titty redhead scientists strike again
okay, Hawke. I'll give you that one
This fictional lady is really hot
Is Matrix going to record a sex tape of this one too?
This is funny, but not quite in the way Hawke intended
Frankenstein is this man's philosophy
Adorable
Ladies be floor sitting
My god it is her
Dr Jennifer Stone
Is Hawke married or is this some fixation of his?
Gross
I know he's married now. I don't know about in 1992
Somewhere, a therapist's eyes turn to dollar signs
I know he said he can’t make it today but for future skimming purposes, I summon @Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool
good call
Women love it when you psychotically write on the walls
I don't know how this is going to be important when this nerd travels back in time
Very understanding since that's a hat shop
The best way to attract women is to be a hopeless dolt
I speak from experience when I say no it isn't
What is a tie if not a neck hat
Really makes you think
Are not pants the hats of our junk?
I can see why the ladies love this guy
Brewster is too shy to admit he's gay
Hahaha
Very healthy relationship
Does he even know they’re in one
It sounds to me like she’s hassling this guy who just wants to watch Frankenstein and be a rich professor
"Maybe if I turn up the volume she'll take a hint and leave"
This guy thinks they're going to round up a posse if he tells anyone about his time travel experiments
Playing games in scifi novels? Who'd write something like that?
Fuck you, Einstein!
"Einstein wouldn't let me watch Frankenstein, either"
You may not like it, but this is what peak sciencing looks like
Helicopter time machine
What year was this published? Time Chasers may have a lawsuit on their hands
Also a tube filled with balls
1992
Time Chasers was 1991. Nerd fight!
Granted, that was a time traveling airplane
This is some detail to just drop in here
Hmmmm
cute
Sure, why not
Dropping this here, just for reference
https://www.buckyballscube.com/buckyball-magnets/6-original-buckyballs-magnets.html?gclid=EAIaIQobChMItajUtaz18gIVWtKzCh3RkQ5ZEAQYASABEgIOHvD_BwE
This is the One True Buckyball
He's going to spend the next couple pages describing how this time travel works. It's all written like this
This is where we need Javo’s Rules of Magic to chime in
Hawke, you're writing this. You have control over how confusing this is
I'm going to skip to the end
“It’s a working time machine, it works fuck you”
Far too late. For something
LIIIIPS
Woman, you're eating his scraps off the floor. Have some dignity
I skipped over the part where he lost a time machine due to a faulty switch
heh
That'll probably be how he gets home
I guess he is aware that she exists
That's reassuring
Can you figure out what Michael Timothy O'Fallon is?
hmmmmmm
Let’s go to the tape
Wait is he trying to be George RR Martin now
Reads more like he's trying to Pratchett
If you guessed Dwarf-racist/Leprechaun congratulations
I had dwarf, but not Leprechaun. Also, leprechauns again, Hawke?
Simon must have had an Irish friend that he thought was the coolest
Don’t worry, there will also be a Russian involved
The Russian will be grim and religious
Seems like the trip is going well
Also, another character named Mick? There’s one in every god dam Hawke book
Is Hawke going to say this is an alternate reality, or will he insist fantasy creatures existed in the past?
Hey, if you know a second Irish name, Hawke doesn't want to hear it
The greatest of all fantasy creatures: the bull
Leprechauns are famously known for their cattle farming
RIP
Bulls: They just attack stuff
Especially if it's shooting sparks and is aflame
animals love fire
The red and white striped parachute enraged it obvi
Yer a wizard, Marv
Seriously, Hawke. If you don't mention this is an alternate reality at some point, I'm going to worry about you
These Leprechauns and their hipster handshakes
Lol
"What it is, ethnic stereotype"
It's amazing he doesn't understand that his time machine sent him into the past
He somehow still thinks he's 10 minutes in the past
Scientific genius!
Despite the fact that he’s talking to a …leprechaun
They don't understand what a year is?
Leprechauns can't tell time. This is well-researched.
Jokes
...
Hawke is giving me flashbacks to creative writing workshops
Actually, no. He's writing in a way I'd picture as appealing to the character sissyneck plays
Sounds like a good buzz
"Also, it's not for drinkin'. Hand over all yer belongins and I'll give yeh the antidote."
Fairy racism is a real problem
Brewster is wondering if Einstein set him up
"Clever bastard. Always one step ahead."
Sentient booze bushes
And they can feel fear and presumably pain!
I don't know what to do with this information
Simon's going down one of his rabbit holes of pointless lore
Could you imagine? A Kingdom of Frank!? How delightfully droll
Hoho! Hawke, you rapscallion!
This is the kind of humor I'd expect in a book for ten year olds
Ten year olds with crazy-hot wives
Considering the first Chapter was about how hot a lady scientist was, it doesn't really fit
"Kids, you all know what it's like to want to plow a redhead's soil until you both can't stand, right?"
"My parents say not to talk to you, Mr. Hawke"
Thanks for giving me context for one of the most famous quotes in human history
I wouldn't have recognized that without telling me Dorothy said it
I'm growing more certain he's trying to emulate Terry Pratchett. Which is a terrible idea because Pratchett was a master of language and Hawke wrote this
I'm late, so maybe you already covered this. Methinks Hawke has a thing for smart redheads.
Simon got distracted again
Dammit. Someone jingle their keys and see if we can get his attention
Don't do foreshadowing this way
Nearly half the stuff I type just in this Discord ends up deleted entirely, but Hawke refuses to edit down a single word in this book.
More words = better, right?
Simon is in his "parentheticals are funny" period
I went through the same period in middle school
He's not going full Pratchett or he'd be doing footnotes
It is closely related
True
Is there a Steven Spielberg time travel movie I've forgotten?
Simon Hawke muses on the nature of confusion
Now that's genuinely insightful and amusing
It's not meant to last
Dammit, Simon
With one paragraph he giveth and with another he taketh away
Lord Baethan, help me
I want to thank my autocorrect for coming up with that joke
Ugh. At least he finally admitted this is an alternate universe
Uh, oh. Simon forgot his ending parenthesis
It was bound to happen
That statement about gold is also kind of true in this universe, but whatever
Not sure gold utensils are a great idea
Gold is non-reactive so professional tasters use them for that reason.
Interesting!
You want your forks malleable
One stubborn pork chop and you need a new dining set
Is this a joke about the Screen Actor's Guild?
Not nysteel?
Seems similar
This might be his fantasy nysteel
I haven't read any of his other fantasy novels, so I'll have to see if it shows up
Description is definitely similar
Oh, a teamsters joke. It's been a while
A joke that will never seem quaint
That's not quite how the Supreme Court works
Nevermind
Dammit again, Simon
Aluminum is an element, you don't make it from other metals
It is quite literally elemental
Too late. Hawke's thinking about redheads and leprechauns again
two related concepts
BUY SWISS ARMY KNIVES
This goes on for so long
"Hint hint, readers who want to buy me, Simon Hawke, a present"
I'd love to buy Simon a present
I'm going to take a moment to rant about this. A Swiss army knife does everything less well than other tools you have around the house. And if you're out in the wild, a corkscrew and can opener are useless.
When does the story start
We're what, 25% through the book?
"All right, think Simon. Let's go back to the basics with this book. 'Tell, don't show' they say. I've got this."
Around there
I'm sure the story will kick in once he stops thinking of things to rant abou- oh hell, we're not going anywhere, are we
They've been sitting at a table for twenty pages
Simon Hawke has moved on to the use of a long list for humor
Oh no, pontificating Simon is worst Simon.
Hitting all the comedic boxes for a school-age nerd
An awl? If there's not a very tense leather working scene I'll be very...well not surprised or disappointed. Mostly annoyed at this weird advertorial about knives.
Still going, baby
Buy your Swiss Army Knife today
Christ. I watch Forged In Fire and even I think Hawke needs to ease up on the blade talk
I knew we were kindred spirits. I love the 25% of that show when people aren't talking.
AAAAGGGGHHHH
I demand you get on with it Simon
The best stories are those where all agency is stripped from the characters so the author can work on their stand-up routine
I don't know how to describe this, but this is something I recognize from school. Where you are too busy trying to be clever and funny that your story doesn't go anywhere, you just keep trying to be meta
This is literally something I would do in middle school
Holy shit, nearly two hours and it's just starting chapter 4?
Same. You nailed it
His teachers quickly learned not to give him a minimum essay length.
Fuck, this is the kind of storytelling bad habit I still have to fight when I tell stories
Boy oh boy
nnnggghh
This wouldn't be a problem if it was half as long and it was going somewhere. Instead, it's needlessly wordy and just gets in the way of the story.
I'm not sure if this character is absent-minded, or if Simon Hawke is. Why are they developing moonshine
I didn't crop that because you need to see how pointless it is
He's explaining to an alchemist how to make a distillery? That seems condescending
Hawke was so proud of himself for remembering half a moonshine documentary he saw once he had to include all of this.
Just think of it, a nearsighted knight
Named Bloody Bob
Let's see what hijinks they get up to!
Hawke's got a type
Ice sighting?
he's not black, so not quite
ah, dang
Wait, you tellin' me this nerd ain't wearing glasses?
The cover lied to me!?
@icy spicy jakesy The cover is a lie!
BOOOO! FALSE ADVERTISING!
:BB: :OOO: :OO:
Haha dammit
Also, I assume Hawke will now give us an extensive lecture on eyeglasses and prescription lenses?
Kinda
Ugh work stuff prevented me from paying much attention for the last hour or so
Don't worry. Hawke's not paying attention either
Tell them to suck it
If I never have to hear this quote again, it'll be too soon
Okay. Pedantry is at least sated at not having the glasses magically be the knight's prescription
We are checking off that humor checklist
PSA jokes, baby
What's left?
"Why didn't you tell us this before?" "Nobody asked me"
Lay off the punctuation
That'd have been a decent joke if we hadn't gotten twenty pages on how great swiss army knives are
This is still happening
Did...did Hawke read an encyclopedia and try to make a novel out of what he'd learned?
I'm skipping now
They construct a still, a Franklin stove, a cistern, a toilet, and a sluice
all in heavy detail?
More than is necessary
Which is none
hahahaha
Then a bunch of dumbasses join
Mike is sort of amusing
Then, fuck it, a historical figure shows up
"Sharp wit", Hawke? Don't write checks you can't cash
Who is this for
He clearly thinks that giving the guys funny names makes this a comedy
Oh my god, this is exactly what Javo hates about lore
Carson jokes, baby
This is somehow more painful than Photon's jokes
I am skipping a very long story where someone named Prince Brian gets turned into a toilet
So if he left all these pointless bits in, the only conclusion is Hawke thinks they're incredibly funny. I hate to disagree with the man who gave us Steele, but...
This doesn't get funnier the more times you do it
It's like reading Shakespeare, but keeping the stage directions and adding comments from the bitchiest director ever.
Finally meet the third person from the cover
Whoever taught Simon Hawke digression, I hope they're burning in hell
Simon is getting horned up again
I didn't mind it in Psychodrome because the points were somewhat relevant. More importantly, he wasn't trying to be funny
Yeah I’m thinking maybe humor just isn’t his bag
some of them were actually funny, but they were far more sardonic than whatever this is
Fair. He's burned through a lot of the good will Psychodrome earned him with this though
We are well past the sell-by date on this kind of humor. Maybe it worked better closer to the publication date?
Uh oh
Listen, I'm trying to be fair here.
Oh God DAMMIT
Jesus Christ
Hawke...you gave us a fight once between sharks and ninjas. What happened to you, man?
We don’t need a Raven situation here
Oh, that gave me a good laugh
haha
Hahahaha