FancyShark
Hawke's back in his wheelhouse!
30: The Reluctant Sorcerer Simon Hawke
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An absent-minded scientist transported to a magic world, Dr. Marvin Brewster has just become...
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icy spicy jakesy
Simon can barely hide his erection at this point
gellaho
"This is true of all men. I'm not saying anything about myself"
FancyShark
And another therapist's eyes turn to dollar signs
icy spicy jakesy
I’m surprised Shannon doesn’t look like Ice
gellaho
What you want from a sexual partner is a childish interest in zippers
FancyShark
Infantilized right after being called maternal. Impressive, Simon
gellaho
she contains multitudes
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Perfect opportunity to have her catch his dick in the zipper. But no, he abandons his comedy shtick as soon as boobs show up.
gellaho
I don't know why this is happening
FancyShark
My sympathies to his wife
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Yeah you do. And it has nothing to do with the story.
gellaho
Does anyone know what this s'trewth business is
FancyShark
It's some sort of British exclamation
gellaho
She just gets off him when he says he's engaged to a sorceress
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Maybe it's something like God's Wounds slowly morphing to zounds? Other than that, no idea.
gellaho
I need you to know that this entire chapter could have been condensed into these paragraphs
FancyShark
FFS
gellaho
Simon Hawke on the cutting edge of username humor
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Gandalf? I know that guy!
gellaho
There's a wizard named Warrick Morgannan
He uses his real name, which is some kind of wizard faux pas
FancyShark
We might have just learned Hawke's D&D character's name
GDC
'the White' is not a particularly uncommon wizard epithet, I think.
gellaho
If he didn't pick Donovan Steele I don't know what he's doing
FancyShark
Not since Tolkien, at least
gellaho
Teddy the Tiny Troll
GDC
Hawke's DND character is Ice, which he keeps rerolling after constant heroic sacrifices.
gellaho
Oh, no. The Meta is starting
FancyShark
oh hell
Don't do this, Simon
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
No, there's still time to change course.
FancyShark
Come down off the ledge. There are people here for you
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
He'll surprise us with something genuinely clever and witty. I have faith in Hawke.
gellaho
This dude has the other time machine
If you remember what little plot there has been
FancyShark
Good. Hawke didn't forget that either
Wait, it IS a time machine?
As well as something that goes through-
Goddammit, he built a TARDIS
gellaho
There is a long story about how he got the machine, I'm skipping most of it
This part about wizards traveling to 1992 is mildly amusing
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I feel the same way about this book as so many other things he's written. He comes up with great premises, but needs someone more technically skilled to write for him.
FancyShark
haha, okay, that's pretty good
gellaho
Now to bring you back down with some alliteration
FancyShark
Noooooo!
gellaho
We are diving into meta, buds
Put on your diving helmets
FancyShark
:diving_mask:
gellaho
This is not something Hawke is capable of
Practically noone is
FancyShark
This is the literary equivalent of giving a child a loaded gun
gellaho
This is getting cartoony
FancyShark
Um...third base?
gellaho
What are you doing, Simon
Simon, stop
FancyShark
Seek help, Simon
There are people whose entire job is to look at this stuff and trim or "edit" it
gellaho
I can't believe this is happening
FancyShark
He's just journaling now
gellaho
I don't know what this book is about
icy spicy jakesy
Yeah what even is this
FancyShark
I...can't even figure out what to say. He's self-aware, but he's still going
gellaho
I will say this: the meta stuff is far more entertaining that Brewster building shit
They've added a septic tank and now he's explaining light bulbs
I won't subject you to that
FancyShark
hahaha, jesus. Thank you
The meta stuff is a nervous breakdown committed to page
gellaho
The talking toilet has made its appearance
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Hawke talking to the readers like they're unfamiliar with the concept of suspension of disbelief.
gellaho
A talking toilet is at the Captain Underpants level of humor
if you were keeping track
FancyShark
The fact that the sexpot thief lady is the one focused on it is Hawke thinking about toilet cams
gellaho
she tried to steal it's jewels, I'm assuming that's why
This is how long it has taken for this "genius" to figure out his buddy is a leprechaun
FancyShark
Einstein must be feeling so smug right now
gellaho
it's like 120 or so pages
He's a weretoilet btw
FancyShark
hahaha, fucking what?
gellaho
or "werepot", but I refuse to say that
icy spicy jakesy
“Were-shitter’s full!”
gellaho
D'ya get it? Do you
FancyShark
Duuuuude
gellaho
Oh, goddammit
FancyShark
hahahahahaha
We've reached Grievance Hawke!
gellaho
I still don't know why he's explaining this to the toilet-man
But he's explaining everything
Again, I'm skipping it
FancyShark
What a bizarre way to write a book
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Knowing what we know about him, I would not have pegged Hawke as the type to complain about coastal elites.
gellaho
They have to know what an analogy is
That's not a technology
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Perfectly normal to have two people from different universes speak the exact same dialect of English except for approximately 20 plot-relevant keywords.
gellaho
LIIIIPS
gellaho
Oh, we're sticking with Pittsburgh, eh
FancyShark
Does Hawke live there?
gellaho
From what I understand, he's been in Arizona for a while
I know he also lived in New York for a while
But I think he's still in Tucson
FancyShark
huh. He must've just been proud of the joke he made about the name
gellaho
@icy spicy jakesy follows him on Facebook, so he can probably find out
Murder is pretty funny
FancyShark
Weirdly brutal for the tone the jokes have set
gellaho
I've been actually knocking my head on a table
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
It's like a Joss Whedon script but somehow even worse than that sounds.
FancyShark
The famous vaudeville routine "Trying the Audience's Patience"
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
"You already bought the book. What are you gonna do, return it? Haha, no one bothers to return a book."
gellaho
So, I think he's trying to do some kind of social commentary
Maybe
But, he did all of this better in Psychodrome
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
It's just so meandering that I don't care about anything that's happening. I just want the story to start.
gellaho
This is sort of like Steele, where the first book doesn't really have any plot but a lot of setup
Except Steele's setting is way more interesting
FancyShark
And none of the "jokes"
icy spicy jakesy
He lives in North Carolina now
gellaho
ah
Oh, goddammit. I knew I shouldn't have taken my eyes off the book
FancyShark
hahaha
I taste copper
gellaho
Baseball! The most over-metaphored game in existence after chess
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Admitting your book is stupid in the middle of the book doesn't make it less stupid.
Some might argue it does the opposite.
I've decided that reading all the narrator-inserts in the voice of the Superfriends narrator makes it slightly more bearable.
FancyShark
hahaha, that DOES help
gellaho
Well, a toilet is definitely not a utensil
The fuck are you talking about
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
"Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom...a talking shitcan?"
gellaho
I don't think I'd call it an appliance either, but that's closer than utensil
FancyShark
Focus, Simon! For the love of God, FOCUS!
gellaho
Maybe he should have, Simon
That would be a thing that happened
I straight-up do not care about this toilet man
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Okay, almost ready to start the plot. Just have to recap the prologue for a few chapters and we'll be ready to get going...
FancyShark
What a horrible existence. Like, does your body get cleaned when you turn back into a human? Or do you have gallons of shit in your lungs?
gellaho
Shit, he's got Joe Disease
FancyShark
"Do it. I've been a naughty chamberpot."
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
A naughty, immortal chamberpot.
gellaho
Fuck, yes! There's the phrase I've been looking for
@icy spicy jakesy moisten them lips!
LIIIIPS
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Hawke screwed up his punchline at the end. It can't go from "much worse" to "far worse," it should be "worse" to "far worse."
But then again, we're the first people besides him to see this book.
icy spicy jakesy
Yessssss
gellaho
I cannot stress to you how long he's been talking to this toilet man
FancyShark
A sentence I never thought I'd read
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I can only imagine how long it's been for you, because it's been fucking interminable on this side of the screen.
gellaho
I guess there is a dragon now, but it hasn't actually appeared. They are just talking about it being there
Storytelling, ladies and gentlemen
FancyShark
There's two more books in this series. He wouldn't do the same thing as Steele and save all the plot for the later ones, would he?
gellaho
"There's a dragon!"
"Where is it?"
"Up there!"
"How long has it been up there?"
"I don't know!"
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
[ed. note: not bad, but could we try this with several hundred more words?]
gellaho
If this goes by Steele rules, the second book will be horrifying, and the third will be disgusting
And we will miss out on the glorious fourth book
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I was going to say the 4th will be non-canon and somehow written even worse.
FancyShark
I genuinely want to see him go horrifying with this terrible story premise
gellaho
He's had a gun?
FancyShark
WHAT
gellaho
Luckily there are no Victor Milans in this series
or SL Hunters as it were
This is closer to Steele storytelling
which is lengthy descriptions of guns I don't understand
FancyShark
hahahaha
gellaho
not polymer/ceramic battle rifles, but still
FancyShark
Perfectly in keeping with the other descriptions, so only true Hawkeheads will notice
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
How silly we used to be. Thinking Steele was the most ridiculous book we'd ever read.
gellaho
@icy spicy jakesy I think the dragon might be Ice
gellaho
You always remember your first
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I'm just sad I only experienced the original through the archives. I wasn't active on the Discord until book 3 or 4
FancyShark
Okay, Simon. A polite and terrifying dragon is my jam. How are you going to let me down?
gellaho
The dragon somehow knows what a gun is
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Wait, the dragon knows what guns are? This could be interesting. Let's see how he fucks it up....goddammit.
FancyShark
I hope the dragon gives an extended lecture on gun manufacturers
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Smith and Wesson? Sig Sauer or GTFO poser.
gellaho
Rory the dragon
FancyShark
Because dragons roar. I'm very clever and funny. -- Simon Hawke
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
See, I disagree. This is my favorite character so far.
FancyShark
Oh for sure
gellaho
They have to know what a year is
That is such a fundamental concept
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Mostly because it’s the first to be given a character, but whatever.
gellaho
The idea of a year predates written human history. It predates speech
It predates almost everything
FancyShark
The dragon gets bonus points for having the same name as the stuffed animal I had as a kid
gellaho
It's like not knowing what a season or a day is
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I must be reading this differently. I thought he was just confused how the guy is over 100 years old.
gellaho
Ah, the toilet is the father of the evil wizard
FancyShark
This isn't a plot, Simon. This is backstory
gellaho
The leprechaun and the guy who owned the bull didn't seem to understand the concept either
Ugh
FancyShark
Can you dream up a coherent novel?
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Great, now Rory, my new best friend, sucks too.
gellaho
I am so furious
FancyShark
If Rory flambés the entire cast, this will all have been worth it
gellaho
I also won my first Prince painting off of a Mac Tonight joke, so once again my life intersects with Simon Hawke
FancyShark
He is your Other. Your shadow. Your dark reflection.
gellaho
It's far too late for new characters
No matter how much you swoon over them
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
James Earl Jones. I meant James Earl Jones. For some reason I think people's names are copyrighted.
gellaho
Sean MacGregor btw
Another Irish person
FancyShark
"A massive, six-foot two-inch frame"
gellaho
Simon reveals far too much about himself
FancyShark
Hawke would shit himself inside-out if he met you, @gellaho
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
We already met Billy the Blind, who's 7 feet.
And the irony of Gellaho, the closest we have to a MEG, reading about a massive 6'2" is perfect.
gellaho
Kniiiiiiivvvveeesss
gellaho
Seems kind of short, honestly
FancyShark
Maybe...a Swiss Army Knife?
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Famously perfectly balanced for throwing.
gellaho
I'm not proud of this, but this is the second joke I legitimately laughed at
FancyShark
hahaha
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
HA!
That's very good.
See Simon, subtlety is so much better than what you've been doing.
FancyShark
Also take note: they know what acronyms are but not analogies
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Oh man, there are 2 great jokes in that excerpt.
gellaho
Goddammit
FancyShark
sigh
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
:musical_note: Life is like a hurricane...:musical_note:
gellaho
I didn't expect a fucking Disney Duck joke in here
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Look, coming up with names is hard guys
gellaho
God fucking dammit
FancyShark
Brings back the question asked so many times already: who is this book for?
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Ahem...
gellaho
These things don't even go together, I don't get it
FancyShark
We're entering Shakes' realm
Just throwing the first idea that occurs down and calling it good
gellaho
What are we doing
Are we seven years old?
Get your knight jokes out of here
FancyShark
Does he explain how the king stays the king?
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Simon. Simon. We, the audience, know what chess is. You don't have to explain it to us.
FancyShark
Wait, dammit again. That doesn't work because The Wire was mid-90s
gellaho
Simon, have you seen a King?
FancyShark
Simon needs Ritalin
gellaho
No chess piece really resembles what they look like
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
This is so thrilling. But at least maybe I can finally learn what the fuck a rook is.
gellaho
I don't know if you've ever seen a bishop
FancyShark
Yeah. The miter is pope-only
gellaho
that is to say, I don't know why any of this is happening this late in the book
Why this league of assassins is being introduced in the last 10 pages
FancyShark
We're not getting an actual story, are we?
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I literally have no idea how to summarize what we've read.
gellaho
Dragons like stories
gellaho
This is a problem I often have
FancyShark
Great, Simon. KNOW ANY?
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
The handshake bit is pretty good by the low standards this book has set.
gellaho
The dragon is going to look out for the other time machine in exchange for stories
I don't know how they figured that would last until the dragon is tired of stories
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
The longest it could take, logically, is his age.
FancyShark
So Brewster, who has spent his whole life trying to defeat Einstein and build a time machine, is going to have to rely on his storytelling abilities to satisfy the whims of a dragon?
He's so fucking dead
gellaho
You know what, fuck you. You have to read all of this
The Swiss Army Knife will lead to the destruction of this realm
FancyShark
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
That was so bad. Fuck you and thank you @gellaho
FancyShark
Yes, thank you @gellaho
That was a trip
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
I do want to point out even Hawke did a piss-poor job summarizing his own book.
gellaho
We have defeated The Reluctant Sorcerer
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
We may have defeated it, but we still lost.
gellaho
That was practically nothing
FancyShark
Fun as hell to riff, though
gellaho
He just decided to stop
I'm going to tell you about this group of assassins and then, done
FancyShark
hahaha
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
"Hit my 200 page quota. Time to tease the next one."
gellaho
That concludes the Book Cage, I guess
FancyShark
Still fun. Pure Hot Dog fodder
gellaho
It certainly reminded me of how I tried to be funny in middle school
FancyShark
Yeah
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha
Me too. But we all learned, about 3 months after we started doing that bit, it's a good way to make everyone hate you.
Greg
Goddamn it
2 lip lines and one big guy, without chest measurements unfortunately
Not sure that makes up for goddamn Pittsburgh Stealers
gellaho
It's somehow @Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo's fault
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo
Yeah probably