gellaho
Less than 1 hour 'til the Hardy Boys' Karate-Biker-Arcade adventure.
9: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #45: In Self-Defense Franklin W. Dixon
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When you're on enemy turf you'd better be ready to hold your ground!
Archive
Djonin Foxman
What
I took a break from the discord and this is happening now?
gellaho
Life comes at you fast
It's a break before the final Steele book
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
if there's no ninjas in this one it'll be a marked letdown
gellaho
It involves karate, so ninjas are a maybe
gellaho
Here's a preview. Looks like this Kay girl might get lit on fire
This was published in 1990. What a glorious age for this kind of literature
gellaho
I would love to formally welcome everyone to "In Self-Defense"
gellaho
Meet Joe Hardy: he sucks! He's currently mad that a female is doing something
Science God Q Alchemy
It the hardy boys don't kill someone I'm going to be upset
GDC
editors note: describe Joe Hardy in more aggressively aryan terms.
gellaho
He's mad that his brother's girlfriend is taking a karate class
Science God Q Alchemy
I love when they awkwardly shoehorn the character description in
"damn it, you can't let your woman be stronger than you frank"
gellaho
God, I feel my rage towards Joe returning
gellaho
Just a whiny bastard
GDC
One Hardy Boy is a blond with blue eyes. The other Hardy Boy is brown haired with brown eyes. Characterization, everyone!
gellaho
They drive around in a black van? Ok
GDC
A couple of misogynists driving around in a creepy van is a much worse look in 2021 than it was in 1990.
gellaho
Their buddy Chet is strong fat
gellaho
And a teenage banker?
gellaho
A lady martial arts instructor? Now I've seen everything
gellaho
Oh, I hope Joe gets beat up so badly
GDC
In my mind, Kay is played by Cynthia Rothrock.
Science God Q Alchemy
That describes me and my brother
gellaho
Now I want all of these kids dead
gellaho
This book was co-written by laffy taffy
I've never hated anyone more than Joe
GDC
Someone needs to write a Key Lewis beating the shit out of Joe Hardy fanfic.
gellaho
Co-written by Laffy Taffy
Bike Dancin' Greg
Is Joe 90s cool or 90s being a dick here? The writing isn't good enough to tell
GDC
The author is attempting the former but achieving the latter.
gellaho
Fireball outta nowhere!
Bike Dancin' Greg
Yeah from the universal laughter I think we are supposed to think Joe rules here
Is this our first end of chapter immediately resolved cliffhanger?
gellaho
Yes
Bike Dancin' Greg
Finish your drinks everyone
That's rule number 4 of the Hardy Boys drinking game
gellaho
I didn't expect Molotov Cocktails this quickly
Old Man Brendan
I was worried I'd have to catch up but it's a Hardy Boys novel so I can probably BINGO it.
gellaho
They went to a karate class that got molotov cocktail'd
Science God Q Alchemy
Who molotovs a fucking karate gym?
GDC
A molotov cocktail is the one incendiary device that a high school student has the ability to make.
Science God Q Alchemy
Every high school student knows how to make a molotov cocktail, they are not difficult to make
gellaho
You know, those standard "get outta town" letters that everyone gets
Science God Q Alchemy
Hardy boys are always cliche and profoundly inept
gellaho
"Here I am, rock your karate class like a hurricane!"
Bike Dancin' Greg
Don't cross "The Scorpions of the arcade over there"
Old Man Brendan
Cobra Kaiser Wilhelm
not actually a Dr Mithritic
Who talk shit behind their hands about having a karate school nearby
But then just glare at you.
Science God Q Alchemy
I feel like the hardy boys always winds up being the mickey mouse club of gang violence
Old Man Brendan
These witnesses are doing all the leg work.
Science God Q Alchemy
Like the wire meets leave it to beaver
gellaho
Let's just plow through these suspects. This guy just drove up to the building right after the bombing
Old Man Brendan
To a degree that makes Law & Order dock workers look uncooperative.
gellaho
Then immediately left after asking if she wanted to sell
Old Man Brendan
It'd be great if they got to the arcade and the Scorpions were three shitty 8th graders dominating the Street Fighter
not actually a Dr Mithritic
I'm sorry how did a twenty year old karate teacher buy a building
What are these economics
The Scorpions are going to be such a great gang.
Bike Dancin' Greg
It's amazing how lame this is when a fucking molotov cocktail was busted out in the first 3 pages. The Scorpions are super dorky but also fire bombing a karate class is ultra-violent
Old Man Brendan
You could get a $10,000 loan sufficient to start a business before the Boomers dilated all economic resources into a few snake oil salesmen.
And 8% of that loan was to buy a personal desktop computing device running Windows 3.11 on DOS by Microsoft.
gellaho
"You ain't gettin' in this arcade. This arcade is strictly gang turf"
Old Man Brendan
Jesus, Joe.
gellaho
Why would he give a shit who you are Frank?
Old Man Brendan
I read legacy Hardy Boys books with the blue spines where they like...jumped into a car without seat belts to get to the lighthouse before high tide allowed the boat to exit the secret cove.
not actually a Dr Mithritic
Joe needs an ass kicking, like an asthmatic needs an inhaler.
gellaho
Just sitting on a pinball machine, playing with my knife. The way tough guys do
Old Man Brendan
The only thing missing is the bandana twisted into a sweatband
not actually a Dr Mithritic
Oh fucking butterfly knives.
gellaho
To whatever ghost writer wrote this: arcade games make noise even when nobody is playing them
not actually a Dr Mithritic
Like a bullshit western. Nice.
gellaho
Everyone is the same age
not actually a Dr Mithritic
Dead silence, except that one lanky asshole in the sleeveless Jean jacket looking for his fingertips.
Old Man Brendan
"Nice," said Joe, "Jodie Foster here is already up on the pinball table for us."
"Jesus, bro," said Frank, "We talked about de-escalation. How is that appropriate?"
Definitely stealing Conrad Daye as some kind of foil character for Colt Blacke.
not actually a Dr Mithritic
How old is Frank?
gellaho
I better get this promised violence against Joe
Old Man Brendan
Frank bullied this guy into becoming a movie's idea of a gang tough.
"Because I'm going to love you with all my heart and woo you appropriately."
not actually a Dr Mithritic
"or the rest of your life...because pinball is really addictive"
GDC
I don't think I've ever wanted anyone to get stabbed this badly before.
gellaho
So close
not actually a Dr Mithritic
That's not how you hold a knife
gellaho
Couple of questions. Why did they go to the arcade? Why did the gang leader threaten them with death and then let them go?
not actually a Dr Mithritic
How old are you in 8th grade?
gellaho
around 13 I think. It's been a while
Old Man Brendan
Bullshit a guy you call Connie against his wishes owes you a favor.
What Joe means is he once retracted a loogie before it touched Connie's face.
gellaho
Oh, do you think that was it? Joe you moron
not actually a Dr Mithritic
I just what?
Old Man Brendan
Are we to believe the Hardy Boys have ever been apart and don't know the same kids at school?
not actually a Dr Mithritic
Oh yeah, when we went into witness protection when you were thirteen.
gellaho
"Joe was an expert on cowards, being a coward"
not actually a Dr Mithritic
This is moronic.
Old Man Brendan
How does Joe feel about the Armed Forces?
not actually a Dr Mithritic
I fucking hate them
GDC
Joe Hardy with the problematic oversimplification.
not actually a Dr Mithritic
I already despise the Scorpions.
The estate agent needs to come and bring some nuance to this...this scooby do escapade without the promise of a 'big reveal'
gellaho
I guess a lot of people come off the street to get land development jobs from Sam White here
sensitive New Age jakesy
Sure, this was written back in the day your parents always talk about where all you needed was a firm handshake and white skin to get any job off the street
not actually a Dr Mithritic
You ever meet a dumb person with piercing blue or gray eyes, and think they must be smart?
Old Man Brendan
Can I have the jobs then?
not actually a Dr Mithritic
Ah, grey eyes! I see you're not any tramp taking a shit in a bin.
gellaho
It infuriates me to no end that these books are written from Joe's perspective
Old Man Brendan
Unlike other ape-faced laborers, THIS man had the penetrating gaze of a construction worker who makes love.
gellaho
Frank, why do you even bring Joe
Old Man Brendan
Yeah, that is what an ex-linebacker looks like, good job.
not actually a Dr Mithritic
What's the mystery?
The petrol bomb attack?
gellaho
essentially
Old Man Brendan
Around here we call those "A Bayport howdy-do."
not actually a Dr Mithritic
It's just not that mysterious. Here's hoping for a rebel twist.
I think it was Joe.
gellaho
Joe, shut the fuck up
Joe: "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A MURDERER?!?"
Joe: "Murderersayswhat?"
Old Man Brendan
Joe's mind is made up. In that it's a fiction that there's a mind in that noggin.
sensitive New Age jakesy
Wait a second, burning someone alive is illegal, sir!
gellaho
All I have is hate for you, Joe
Old Man Brendan
"What's that got to do with me?" is the guiltiest possible reply.
I don't like A-Team Hardy.
not actually a Dr Mithritic
"you can what, be dangerous in this neighborhood after dark? Get out idiot"
gellaho
Gasp
sensitive New Age jakesy
So can we...be dangerous after dark? Are you coming onto me, Joe?
not actually a Dr Mithritic
Someone explain which way the van is facing please?
gellaho
Who wants to guess if that person is dead or seriously injured?
not actually a Dr Mithritic
Is the van facing the pavement? Is the body in the road?
If the body is in the road how is the blood pooling up to the pavement?
Old Man Brendan
It's Connie! His gang beat him up for knowing me!
gellaho
Chapter 4: "He is fine, and fuck you kid for reading this"
Old Man Brendan
These books are more entertaining if you imagine Joe is a delusional idiot and Frank is tasked with entertaining his fantasies.
gellaho
It were the ol' misogynist gang
Science God Q Alchemy
"kids are fucking dumb, who cares"
not actually a Dr Mithritic
"one of them mumbled about scorpion, mumble mumble petrol bomb" from the author of I write for other franchises and I'm dead inside now.
gellaho
If Chet can get cut, why not Joe
Old Man Brendan
So the Scorpions' issue is that on their "turf" people are learning to "defend" themselves under a "woman"?
gellaho
not actually a Dr Mithritic
Remember John Connors friend I. The arcade in terminator 2?
Science God Q Alchemy
Fuck you frank that's not even a little bit correct
gellaho
Joe.jpeg
Old Man Brendan
Wasn't John Connor's friend the bully from Christmas Story?
"Only a butterfly knife could have made this cut," murmured Joe expertly. Behind him, Frank stifled a chortle.
not actually a Dr Mithritic
I dunno but that's how I'm picturing the Scorpions
gellaho
Classic Hardy Boys, wandering between the same 3 locations
Old Man Brendan
The lead scorpion tossed the tail of his coonskin cap, wickedly. "Stay out of Bayport, Hardies. This is NUESTRO turf!"
not actually a Dr Mithritic
"Let's just drive in circles to this arcade and back until someone stabs you Joe'
Old Man Brendan
It was Frank. It was always Frank.
not actually a Dr Mithritic
"Hey Conrad, I brought Joe back and we found your butterfly knife"
Old Man Brendan
The Hardy Boys are the volunteer firefighters in a burning city.
not actually a Dr Mithritic
Conrad, Connie and Daye.
Old Man Brendan
Conday
gellaho
I think you're right about Joe being insane
Old Man Brendan
The Hardy Boys & The Case of the Shuttered Island
not actually a Dr Mithritic
The Hardy Boys and how to let the police do their job after serious arson
Old Man Brendan
Joe is a Lenny confirmed.
not actually a Dr Mithritic
Why does Joe have a crushing grip?
gellaho
You know how people call Conrads "Rad"
Old Man Brendan
They're burning through the AKAs!
"Leave me alone, Hardy," sighed Onra
not actually a Dr Mithritic
It's annoying actually hearing the author figure out what to call the leader of the Scorpions.
Old Man Brendan
Do...do the Hardy Boys just carry ziplocs in their glove compartment?
gellaho
Time to wander back to the other location
not actually a Dr Mithritic
How about Daisy, no Dayzee. Yeah. Or Rad
gellaho
They got no information, so it's time to try one of the other 2 places they know
Old Man Brendan
Now you see why gangs work, Joe.
not actually a Dr Mithritic
What did they do with Chet?
Is Karate going to be at all relevant to any of this?
gellaho
Called an ambulance
Yeah! Get exploded Joe!
I'm going to live in this moment
Old Man Brendan
I'd like the record to show that karate has a 0% efficacy rate at combating both gang violence and mob intimidation.
gellaho
because I know the next chapter will take Joe's exploded corpse away from me
Old Man Brendan
Still, it's way better than all those incarnate rag dolls creeping around eerily.
gellaho
Just walk off that explosion
Old Man Brendan
Definitely move an unconscious person who was just flung bodily by an explosion.
In case the burning wreck explodes twice.
gellaho
Joe does a lot lamely
Old Man Brendan
Frank is the only person qualified to commit these crimes, and their only link.
gellaho
Time to spin the wheel of locations once again
Old Man Brendan
Joe, for once, was right.
gellaho
Kids love real estate
gellaho
Barracuda Barton
Isn't that close to one of our author aliases?
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
isn't Barracuda a Punisher villain?
Old Man Brendan
All of this is for PARKING?
The BEST Punisher villain.
Show me a mall that ever had insufficient parking. Most of them it's free anyway.
gellaho
His point was that they didn't need to buy the karate school. It's his evidence for Sam White's innocence
Old Man Brendan
Ah
gellaho
So they've gotten a mysterious phone call telling them that they have a package waiting for them in the alley behind the karate school
Karate attack!
Old Man Brendan
And that was how I broke Kay's nose, your honor.
gellaho
I could have killed you with my karate
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
"the lovable Hardy brothers" shut the ever-loving fuck up Joe
gellaho
Deadly karate
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
come on ninjas
gellaho
There are way more bombs in this than I expected
not actually a Dr Mithritic
Haha. Let's go see the mysterious package after the explosion.
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
wait, the karate school got blown up how are cops not swarming the place already
not actually a Dr Mithritic
What the Hardy boys drive? I mean they don't seem to have a dog in this fight.
gellaho
AAA Self Defense Center
GDC
there was also a car bomb
not actually a Dr Mithritic
The FBI have two suspects.
Old Man Brendan
I think Joe owns a Mustang. But that might be Archie.
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
and the Hardys have been present for all of them? how are they not the primary suspects?!
at the very least they should have spent most of the book in police custody by now
not actually a Dr Mithritic
Visualise yourself surviving the attack before the first blow is struck, or maybe focus on what's happening
gellaho
Fingerprints point to the gang leader
Old Man Brendan
Visualize yourself dying so you'll always exceed expectations.
not actually a Dr Mithritic
@gellaho
I don't actually understand what I'm reading there. "I told you not to tell me" who's speaking?
Old Man Brendan
Joe fears new information because it complicates what he already knows.
gellaho
Joe wanted to guess. He's mad because he's a baby
There's a secret crime vault in the karate studio
not actually a Dr Mithritic
Ok. He right though, rather the arrogance of certainty than the anxiety of knowing I'm an idiot.
gellaho
Oh, I wish
not actually a Dr Mithritic
Wait? Are they going to get stuck in a vault?
GDC
Save us, :FuckApe:
Old Man Brendan
What the hell kind of dungeon is this?
not actually a Dr Mithritic
"what's on the other side?"
Hopefully the fucking point of this.
I hate them and they aren't real.
gellaho
Sure, Frank
Old Man Brendan
This James Ellroy crossover is way weirder than the Nancy Drew one.
gellaho
These two are taking a lot of leaps
not actually a Dr Mithritic
So was someone trying to petrol bomb a vault?
Now it's a mystery
Old Man Brendan
Joe doesn't know a lot but he knows you can't sink smoke.
not actually a Dr Mithritic
Who says anyway.
gellaho
Oh, no! They're trapped by another vehicle
Old Man Brendan
Prepare for your Hardying, boys.
not actually a Dr Mithritic
New character please
gellaho
Never gonna happen
Chickenfoot
So I won't go as far as to say the hardy boys fucked each other but they've definitely had threesomes and not seen a problem with it
gellaho
Nobody would fuck Joe
Chickenfoot
okay he watches
not actually a Dr Mithritic
The author didn't storyboard any of this out.
Old Man Brendan
This is exactly how dudes corner women at bars.
Chickenfoot
what kind of a name is Daye by the way
not actually a Dr Mithritic
I'm already sick of Raddy
Old Man Brendan
Joe is definitely the Eric to Frank's Don.
gellaho
This is some great deduction from Frank
not actually a Dr Mithritic
Estate agent is the guilty party
Chickenfoot
I'm 99% sure the hardy boys have double teamed nancy and this upsets me
Science God Q Alchemy
...
Chickenfoot
I see it upsets you too
Anti-Life Justifies My Hatred
looking forward to seeing that in the inevitable gritty TV reboot
gellaho
Seems legit
Old Man Brendan
Frank only sees one explanation: everyone except him is too dumb to procure plastique
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
I thought we established that those already exist lol
Old Man Brendan
Nah she tied them both up and dommed.
Science God Q Alchemy
Is there a porn parody of hardy boys?
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
almost certainly
Science God Q Alchemy
I feel the market for hardy boys erotica would consist solely of philosophical zombies
gellaho
Science God Q Alchemy
God the era when everyone thought karate was cool must have been wild
gellaho
This has turned into Scooby-Doo
Old Man Brendan
Bo and Luke Duke?
Science God Q Alchemy
Aw, shit
sensitive New Age jakesy
Frank on crack: he’s for it!
Old Man Brendan
This woman has mastered three martial arts and she has two different organized crime groups gunning for her. How is SHE not the star?
gellaho
This is a Get Smart level of steel doors
Old Man Brendan
"repeat filter" apparently.
Chickenfoot
the hardy boys definitely died from mold exposure
gellaho
Now they're in the sewer. I hope this is going somewhere
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
this definitely smacks of a draft for a different book that got re-used as a Hardy Boys story
gellaho
Oh, goddammit
This is one obstacle too many, and they decide to just turn around
Old Man Brendan
Your emergency escape route takes 11 minutes to access?
Chickenfoot
"Looks like the end of the line," Joe said.
Frank felt something cold and metal press into the back of his head.
Science God Q Alchemy
Ninja turtles show up
gellaho
Joe, master sleuth
Science God Q Alchemy
I think the hardy boys are consistently out if their depth
Chickenfoot
"I'm going to fuck Ms. Lewis, Joe. Please go home and stop bothering me."
Science God Q Alchemy
I'm surprised they haven't wound up face down in a creek sonewhere
Chickenfoot
god an ai trained on hardy boys would be great
Old Man Brendan
The scorpions have high-tech firepower?
Is there a second gang?
gellaho
This Conrad dude is bipolar
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
I think we established last time that the hardy boys are robots created as an AI learning program
Science God Q Alchemy
C4 was invented in the 60s, maybe sooner
gellaho
"Hey, I want you to show that I'm innocent"
"But now I'm going to kill your girlfriend"
Old Man Brendan
You can just say Conrad, Mr. Dixon. Or Connie or Daye or Rad.