43: Psi-Man: The Chaos Kid David Peters

#4 Psi-Man

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The ultimate mind-force warrior has finally met his match...

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gellaho

🎄 This is a Festive Book Cage Announcement 🎄

FancyShark

Fuck yeah!

gellaho

Monday, December 20th, 5pm Eastern. It's the Christmas edition of Psi-Man: The Chaos Kid.

gellaho
gellaho

@Brockway pin my festive announcement, please. Or The Chaos Kid will crack you open like an oyster

FancyShark

Sadly, this is another one I have to miss because of family holiday stuff. But I will be here in spirit!

I still look forward to reading everyone's jokes when I get back

gellaho

Peter David decided that the book after this one takes place December 26th, and that ain't happening. So this will be the last in my streak of Psi-Man days

The last book takes place "Early Summer, 2022." Psi-Man ends extremely vague

FancyShark

Wow, he really thought this would all work better if it happened over the course of a few months

That means Chuck has had to learn to sack up several times a month

gellaho

Definitely

That description says almost nothing

FancyShark

It's going to either be a literal kid who's too strong for Chuck to slap sense into or a psychic with a cowboy gimmick

gellaho

Take a look at these cover art consultants

gellaho

What do you think the canine and self-defense consultants added to that cover?

FancyShark

"So if you got hit by Force Lightning, would you stagger or stumble?"

"I'm hanging up now."

FancyShark

I have to assume the canine consultant told the artist every idea they had for the dog was unrealistic until they omitted it entirely

Because otherwise they blew a lot of money on that consultation

gellaho

I'm trying to figure out what Simon is standing on, or where the water is coming from

FancyShark

Yeah. The water suggests it's a buoy, but the cables and steel beams suggest a bridge

Both the wrong size for that picture

gellaho

Sky looks nice for a world where the sun has been blotted out by pollution

Radio Smasher GDC

Much like Peter David himself, the cover artist usually forgets that the story is supposed to be post-apocalyptic.

Alpha Bro Greg (Wizard)

"The ultimate mind-force warrior has finally met his match"

"So how do we draw this?"

"How about Psy-Man effortlessly killing a child with his death magic?"

gellaho

Coming up at the top of the next hour, David Peter's/Peter David's Psi-Man: The Chaos Kid

FancyShark

I think Carmen's going to live a long, full life

gellaho

Time to begin

gellaho

Could you even imagine, the year 2021

FancyShark

It's been a few weeks since Fartgate, so I assume Not-Disney has been executed for treason

gellaho

A fantastic vision of the future: telephonic booths

FancyShark

Romanova. So...Brazilian?

gellaho

A phone call for Ruskie Russianikov

FancyShark

Alex is a top agent

Who forgets when he's not on a video call

gellaho

"Matt will elevate us above President Fart"

FancyShark

"Did we need four phone calls for this conversation?"

gellaho

Meanwhile: a kid doesn't get picked for football

FancyShark

Paulie would grow up to be Christopher Jarvis

And still not get picked for football

gellaho

Chuck Simon watches creepily from the distance

FancyShark

His continuing effort to slightly alter his appearance but still be totally identifiable

gellaho

Cover artist really doesn't like representing what Chuck looks like

FancyShark

"I made a Lightning Adonis. Fuck you if you can't appreciate it!"

gellaho
FancyShark

Isn't this stupid? Hi, I'm Peter David, the person that wrote this stupid thing and the one calling it stupid

gellaho

Maybe you should spend some time thinking about why this happened, Peter

FancyShark

I want David's reason to be that 'Rommel' sounds like a Scooby-Doo utterance, but even I know that's reaching

gellaho

Chuck Simon interferes in a children's football game

FancyShark

Jesus, Paulie. You need an imaginary friend

gellaho

Ah, yes, football groupies

gellaho

Dogs: not known for playing catch

FancyShark

Hi, folks. Peter David again. Yes, I absolutely believe that football players are guaranteed sex

gellaho

Jesus, that'd be pathetic

gellaho

Chuck gets in an argument with his future car

FancyShark

When did he get this?

A bulletproof car seems like the kind of thing you'd want in every scenario he's faced

gellaho

He was gifted the RAC 3000 by not-Disney

The return of President Fart

FancyShark

Ah, gotcha

gellaho

Just tossing out the phrase "gag thriller" like that's a thing

FancyShark

"Erotic condolence letter"

"Three act recipe book"

I think if your movie has the word 'fart' in the title, it's required to be a kids movie with celebrity voices

gellaho

Matthew Olivetti teen sociopath

FancyShark

"Apparently"?

Pete, you're in control of this universe. You can be more assured

gellaho

Fun kid

FancyShark

Oh, okay. This is The Omen

gellaho

I wonder what this kid's deal is, I can't quite put my finger on it

FancyShark

I can't wait to see how Chuck dicks around for half the book before confronting him

gellaho

A child named Gil put a dead rat in Matt's locker. So he does this

FancyShark

Holy shit

gellaho

Right before that, he bet Gil $100 it would snow in San Fransisco

So he can control the weather

FancyShark

An actually-scary and powerful villain? Are we reading the right author?

Also, this kid doesn't seem to fuck around. Chuck's going to get his ass handed to him

gellaho

Then he burns the hell out of this kid

FancyShark

Fuck!

So we've got weather control, telekinesis, pyrokinesis, hydrokinesis

gellaho

Luckily Chuck Simon senses(?) Matt and just rolls up

FancyShark

huh. Well, alright then

This is starting off way too promising. Is Pete going to give us a good story or will he flop after the opening?

gellaho

That sounds just like President Fart

FancyShark

And the NRA quietly nodded in assent

gellaho

Peter David has a weird understanding of the American people

FancyShark

yeah

gellaho

It's not like he grew up in the sixties or anything

FancyShark

Or was around for Vietnam

gellaho

OK, now it's just the force

gellaho

Or Spidey sense

FancyShark

And this power was definitely there the whole time

Really

Totes

FancyShark

Heya, Brendan!

Signore Bastardo

:waves a sharkflipper:

FancyShark

Chuck helped a loser child catch a football and the bad guy is basically Damien meets Storm meets Pyro

The kid has a god complex and is a complete sociopath

gellaho

One kid got burned in the by scalding water in the shower

Second kid just got burned to death

FancyShark

He also made it snow just to win a bet with the kid he scalded

And he dropped a tree on a kid that made a joke at him

gellaho

Chuck Simon: Master of Disguise

FancyShark

"Chuck Green, the pedophile?"

Signore Bastardo

No, that's my brother!

"Your parents named both of you Chuck?"

FancyShark

"We were...twins?"

Signore Bastardo

The kid or Chuck Simon: Psyman?

FancyShark

The kid

He can control the weather, it looks like

But also has pyrokinesis, telekinesis and hydrokinesis

gellaho

For some reason, a priest called Father Pertwee asks Chuck to a secret meeting

Signore Bastardo

If you have TK, you have all the other Ks.

That priest is gonna die.

FancyShark

I guess Peter watched some classic Dr Who

gellaho

Matthew Olivetti is a little rich boy

Signore Bastardo

Maybe tonight, maybe at the meet, but he's going to choke out half a piece of useful info.

FancyShark

Matthew is going to turn out to be descended from Mussolini or something

gellaho

Matthew decides to go to the hospital to creep over the dead body, I guess

Man, it must be really easy to write about psychics. You can just type "some sort of instinct" whenever you want!

FancyShark

That last sentence is doing a lot of work

Signore Bastardo

The Force.

If you're going to invent superpowers, you need some rules.

FancyShark

Oh right. Chuck has spidey-sense for psychics now

Signore Bastardo

Matthew's three discrete levels of unconscious.

gellaho

I'm 99% sure the priest is that Russian spy Alex

FancyShark

oh yeah! Forgot about the Very Russian Spy at the start of the book

Matthew, the phrase is "stranger danger"

Or "stalker"

Either way, that priest is dead

gellaho

That's why there are no people in San Francisco in 2021

gellaho

People love experiencing real life tragedies as amusements

Signore Bastardo

That's gonna wreak chaos in your grocery supply chain.

gellaho

That's why we have all those 9/11 simulators

FancyShark

Peter's calling out 2014 too?

gellaho

He's also confused a minor league team for the San Francisco Giants

Considering this takes place in San Francisco, he shouldn't fuck that up

Signore Bastardo

Not the Red Sox's best year, TBH.

FancyShark

lol

Signore Bastardo

I'm guessing the Giants moved because of the increasingly vocal tectonics.

gellaho

What a fun diversion

Signore Bastardo

It's like how the Cubs had become the Cubbies in BttF2

Signore Bastardo

GODDAMIT, BUCKNER, HOW DID YOU DO THIS

FancyShark

Please tell me they called that quake Wrath of the Bambino

Because there's no way this was written before that curse was broken

gellaho
FancyShark

Fuckin' called it!

It's Mormon vs Antichrist

gellaho

Peter David may be out of his depth

Signore Bastardo

"Antichrist Superstar was a great album," mused Chuck, to the boys at the park. "Probably Manson's best until The Way of All Flesh."

"Cliff Manson?" asked one of the boys, "The platinum-selling harpsichordist?"

"No, his father," said Chuck. "A real bad boy of the music biz." Demonstrating his point, he crushed a nearby fire hydrant with TK to demonstrate to the children the power one man was capable of once he forsook society's mores.

Wait a second...LYLE OLIVETTI

EVIL TOT TELLY

This child is going to become world-famous as the first reality show antichrist

FancyShark

I'm just glad he didn't find a way to give them nazi names

gellaho

Not quite

FancyShark

Aw, he was born on Christmas? That's sweet

Definitely gets shorted on presents though

Signore Bastardo

"When did game shows become reality shows?" Chuck wondered. It was probably after President Chelsea Clinton ordered Congress to pass laws forbidding fiction on TV. Though controversial at the time, the law had allowed for children's television to lie, if it was in an educational fashion. Producers had rushed into the loophole, and claimed Killing In the Name of God With the Kardashians targeted a much younger audience.

Signore Bastardo

The necessary first step in becoming evil enough to be the antichrist.

gellaho

"This antichrist business is ridiculous. Now, let me talk to my psychic dog I named after a Nazi"

gellaho

A dog that was originally called Subject 666, but the author forgot that

Signore Bastardo

There's a corrected translation that says it's 616, but Marvel has yet to capitalize on that.

gellaho

Ah, Carmen's a female reporter. She's definitely dead meat

Signore Bastardo

No, she's going to fall for her story.

gellaho

Not like his love interest in the last book that ended up being a sex bot

But again, this antichrist thing? Crazy pants

Signore Bastardo

"Dammit, Simon. I was just looking to get to the bottom of your abilities. But I think I'm falling in love with you." Probably played by Elizabeth Shew or Kelly McGillis.

FancyShark

Then Rommel possesses his brain for more werewolf sex

gellaho

I'm guessing Matty has arrived

FancyShark

Also, Carmen, if you have evidence of the actual Antichrist, I'm pretty sure there's at least half a dozen secret societies that know about it too

gellaho

AIKIDO

gellaho

seagal-steven-seagal.gif

FancyShark

Look at that aikido mastery

gellaho

Wow, correcting the grammar of something you lip read. That's next level

FancyShark

Weird. You'd think President Fart would have gotten at least one report about a walking apocalypse in San Francisco

Signore Bastardo

This dude couldn't tell Simon some basic conjecture, and when Simon asked for proof of his elaborate claims before he murdered a child, Priest Pertwee just says, "Go talk to a reporter if you still need evidence."

I'd let the world burn just for disrespecting my time.

FancyShark

"Look, you need to make this my problem"

Signore Bastardo

It is he is bullshit, CMV.

gellaho

Approaching SL Hunter levels of metaphor and simile, Peter David

gellaho
gellaho

You don't want to be there

Signore Bastardo

"Well if you reverse it," well maybe some statements don't turn inside out, do they?

FancyShark

A watery hand drowning with a rush of water

gellaho

Chuck is flying again

FancyShark

Chuck, people are being torn in half by an angry Poseidon. Peter Pan on your own time

Signore Bastardo

I submit to you that any object of a verb, whether direct or indirect, is third-person personal pronoun.

gellaho

Earlier, Chuck had changed the trajectory of a football. Apparently, the air is more substantial than the watwr

FancyShark

Don't try to be cool by having Chuck shuck, Pete

gellaho

But, he can levitate a dead man out of the water

Signore Bastardo

I'm confused of the nature here. Chuck's powers are ruled by Newtonian physics?

Like at what juncture?

This is the "cartoon lifting itself by the collar" question.

FancyShark

It's the type of thing that makes more sense if the author never brought it up

gellaho

ignore all the times Rommel talked about how fun it was to kill and eat people, please

Signore Bastardo

My dog ate poop today, so I respectfully disagree.

At some point today he's going to try to give me Junkie Hepatitis Kisses.

gellaho

Matthew was always stoic. Except when he wasn't

FancyShark

Pete must've gotten two drafts mixed together

Signore Bastardo

San Francisco has brownstones?

FancyShark

FUTURE!

gellaho

A psychic dog? Ridiculous. Back to celebrating the earthquake/magic jets of water I created with my brain

FancyShark

I never thought I'd say this, but I hope we see Rommel kill this child

Signore Bastardo

"You're an angel of the Lord, Chuck, possessed by the archangel Gabriel. Your TK stems from faith in Him and acceptance of your personal savior, The Lord Jesus Christ, who was not a man but God's only Son, come here to sacrifice his precious Blood for y--"

"Father Pertwee, I just asked if that was the child you wanted me to kill."

gellaho

In the very first Psi-Man, The Beatles were mostly forgotten

But the James Bond books? Still available

gellaho
gellaho

Not the movies, the books

Signore Bastardo

Look, we gave peace a chance. It failed. Now, in the bitter Los Anfrancisco of Si-Man, we need a REAL man to kill, drink, and fuck with abandon.

FancyShark

Matthew calls up the Arctic and Indian oceans and asks them to stay on standby

gellaho

Chuck Simon pretends to be blind to stay in a fancy hotel

FancyShark

Why has he not been doing this every book?

gellaho

Sticking with that name though

Signore Bastardo

Rommel's kind of an asshole dog.

FancyShark

"At least, I assume he's big. Since I'm blind, I have no frame of reference."

Signore Bastardo

He's all the work of a dog minus the joys of a dog, and occasionally he cucks your brains right out of your head.

FancyShark

He also definitely eats human corpses

gellaho

As seen in The Hardy Boys Casefiles: Bad Rap, hotel room #420

FancyShark

Vice squad immediately busts him for knowing all their code phrases

gellaho

Apropos of Nothing

gellaho

Make sure to pray to a Nazi before God

It's just what a pious Quaker would do

FancyShark

Hi. Peter David again. I approve this message.

gellaho

The pain was beyond pain, it was a painful kind of pain

Signore Bastardo

Call girls have a complex system in 2022

I missed when Father died, but I told you Father would die.

gellaho

So he melts in a psychic vision for a while

which I feel like just happened in one of these books

Signore Bastardo

Chuck just wants a simple life, and he's constantly just wandering into insane situations.

Not being hunted.

Just traipsing into the antichrist's football game.

gellaho

It was like a simile, overused

FancyShark

It's 2/3rds of the formula for a TV series

Budd Dwyer Thought

not nice to make fun of people's garbage academic article titles @BONAR LAW, formerly Javo. I was required to make my title stupider when I was applying for funding, it's just the rules of the road. your title has to suck

FancyShark

To be fair, most teenagers are like that

gellaho

It was a time without free speech, where you couldn't put farts under a presidential speech

Signore Bastardo

What a bittersweet day for a Quaker to find proof God is real even as He fails to save you from Satan's unprovoked clutches.

gellaho

And then make a movie about it

Or have a sovereign kingdom/theme park

Signore Bastardo

he put a whoopie cushion under him that REMOTE-TRIGGERED on broadcast only

FancyShark

I still love how a fart video is tanking the President's international standing and not the, y'know, removal of the Bill of Rights

Signore Bastardo

A physical agent had to break into the oval office(!) so that he could place an easily noticed threat on his chair

It's like printing out an email so you can scan it OCR so that you can send it to a photoshop editor for text alteration.

gellaho

Seems like a woman who'd believe in the antichrist

gellaho

This seems a lot more complicated than just having a state-run newspaper

FancyShark

One desk. If the occupant is on vacation, news stops until they get back

gellaho

We could just stop all private newspapers and setup our own with reporters who are loyal. But, instead, how about we have a bunch of angry people and pay people to piss them off

Signore Bastardo

It's interesting that David's description of different Latinas varies mostly in their attractiveness, and that attractiveness scales based on how much they start to resemble Peter David.

FancyShark

Holy shit, that tracks

Signore Bastardo

"Let's see brown hair...but like...short, hahaha, this cow..."

gellaho

Jesus, that sucks

FancyShark

The hell does that mean?

Signore Bastardo

This Olivetti kid has a network of spies.

gellaho

People in this book only act on hunches

gellaho

You know, all those concession stands that sell Q-tips

That common thing

Peter David's finger is on the pulse of the future

gellaho

Also wrote Salt-N-Pepa in the whitest way possible

FancyShark

Because if there's one industry with rock solid stability, it's pop music

gellaho

He also called them rock stars

Which none of them are

FancyShark

Pete thinks Mitch Miller was too "urban"

Signore Bastardo

So, fun story time

First off, I saw Salt 'n' Pepa at a '90s revival show 4 years ago. They rocked balls. En Vogue and Lisa Loeb were there, too. I absolutely threw bedroom eyes at each one, with the shamelessness of a divorced aunt at a Tom Jones concert.

gellaho

Chuck Simon just throwing out terrible one liners now. With a level of confidence never before seen

gellaho
Signore Bastardo

Second, I don't know what kind of newspaper of the future has a forensics lab.

gellaho

The kind that doesn't print any news, I guess

Signore Bastardo

But I had an artist once try to change a comic script on me so a neutered superhero didn't lightly singe styrofoam, but instead have my reporter bring her coffee cup back to the newspaper for fingerprinting.

I shut that shit down immediately.

FancyShark

Seems odd to block publishing info on the government's most wanted, but that's why I'm not a politician

Signore Bastardo

To see one of my influences doing this pains me.

gellaho

So now, they're just breaking into the school. Lady has revealed no information

Signore Bastardo

It's pretty clear the President is Trump in their world, so always bet on the dumbest fucking decision guaranteed to backfire.

gellaho

San Francisco 2021. 800 earthquakes a month

Signore Bastardo

You could give President Future two bad options, and he'd break both of them to staple them into a third freak choice.

FancyShark

So, he killed his teacher over a bad report card?

How has this kid managed to graduate?

You still have to get your parents to sign the card

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Yeah but you can do it with your mind

gellaho

He's not the son of Satan, he's just following the elements of ancient belief

gellaho

Don't be ridiculous

BONAR LAW, formerly Javo

Look if Alex is gonna dunk on me for being a post structuralist I get to dunk on his ghost bulkshit

Signore Bastardo

Satan isn't real. Only bending is real, Carmen.

FancyShark

There were records of someone dying after they criticized this kid? Who was keeping those notes?

gellaho

I'm glad we met that reporter and went to that school to learn information we already had

gellaho

it's in his permanent record

blessed be the permanent record

FancyShark

The permanent record, which records via osmosis

gellaho

Matty's a little rich mama's boy

gellaho

That paragraph encapsulates Chapter 11

FancyShark

Oedipus Damien

Digital Fartwork jakesy

What are you doing, step-mom!?

gellaho

Next chapter: Chuck Simon gets in a romantic tiff with his car

gellaho

Followed by this

gellaho

And that's Chapter 12

FancyShark

hahaha, that's actually pretty good

gellaho

Next page opens with this sloppy ass setup

gellaho

And I'm assuming the she and he are Chuck and Carmen? Maybe?

Either way, they've arrived to interview the Olivetti's

Digital Fartwork jakesy

What is with these guys and all the terrible fake Italian names

FancyShark

I will say that traveling by train is cushier than by airplane for cross-country. But it's true that it takes way longer

gellaho

Just wonderful dialog

FancyShark

All of the references in these books are aimed at children, comic nerds, and neo nazis

gellaho

Totally normal

FancyShark

And Chuck has a plan for not letting the antichrist detect him the same way he detected the antichrist

right?

Chuck?

RIGHT?

gellaho

I'm trying to figure out why Peter David thinks he can just introduce a supervillian name out of the blue

gellaho

Just calling them Psi-Man and the Chaos Kid out of nowhere

that's the first time Chaos Kid has shown up outside of the cover

FancyShark

bizarre

gellaho

"Eh, it'll be on the cover, I don't have to actually explain it or anything. They'll get it"

This child has a supervillian plan out of nowhere as well

FancyShark

This is Matthew at his most stoic, of course

gellaho

Very unemotional

Meanwhile: Matt's parents are in a soap opera

gellaho

This seems like a seventeen year old

gellaho

Teens love phrases like "old bean"

FancyShark

Pete might be forgetting which character he's writing

Digital Fartwork jakesy

As a teen, Peter David was bullied pretty hard so maybe teens like Peter David said things like that

gellaho

OK, bye

Radio Smasher GDC

That probably sounded a lot cooler in Chuck's head.

gellaho

Chuck lifted Matt to the ceiling ,and then Matt make it kind of hot. It was quite the battle

Then Chuck left, his work being done

Digital Fartwork jakesy

The Thermostat Kid strikes again

gellaho

Must be a Hardy Boy near

FancyShark

Chuck's plan: threaten the genocidal demon child and hope he's too intimidated to do anything

At least we know the parents died before they could get a divorce

gellaho

Chuck runs into a lot of terrorists

FancyShark

Well, it's like they say: If there's no news to report, you have to make some

gellaho

Page 56

gellaho

Page 117

FancyShark

To be fair, that seems more practical than fun

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Oh that Nazi dog-o-mine!

gellaho

This seems like the time for this

FancyShark

<cue Jackie Chan freeze frame laugh>

gellaho

we-made-you-maximum.gif

Digital Fartwork jakesy

deep-deep-thinking.gif

FancyShark

At least this time Chuck's dicking around is not his choice

gellaho

Peter David wants you to know what he had to read in high school

gellaho

There was a 1984 reference earlier

Digital Fartwork jakesy

“This is the one where the guy turns into a bug!”

Spoilers I guess

gellaho

I always forget about this stupid spoon necklace

FancyShark

That seems really cumbersome

gellaho

Chuck Simon goes back to the newspaper, forgetting there are government agents there

FancyShark

Hey, you're right, Chuck!

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Where were you on that one, Psi-Man

gellaho

He can sense danger

Except when he can't

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Oh hey I have all the psychic powers, better not use them ever!

gellaho

Gil, the kid who was scalded over 70% of his body a day ago, is wandering around the hospital trying to find Matthew's dead body

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Oh he ain't dead

FancyShark

Gil will soon start screaming "My life for him! Bumpity bumpity bump!"

gellaho

Matt's body has frozen over

gellaho

And... Coconut cocooned?

FancyShark

It'd be more baffling that this kid has avoided detection for so long if everyone wasn't stupid

gellaho

Now tweedle dee and tweedle dum are going to cut it open without delay or precaution

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Oh shit some would say there is about to be some kafkaesque shit going down

FancyShark

World-class screwups, but still employed

gellaho

Now just get your hands in there and yank

gellaho

Eye crystals

FancyShark

wtf

gellaho

Was he dictating this to someone? I'm assuming that's supposed to be ice crystals

But that'd be a hell of a typo

FancyShark

Yeah. The only thing I find when googling "eye crystals" is some horrifying medical condition

gellaho

Guy #1, crushed windpipe

gellaho

Gil (severe burn victim and child) comical pratfall

gellaho

I think Peter David thinks this high schooler who was nearly scalded to death is supposed to be hilarious

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Wonder if someone named Gil stuffed him into a locker once

Let's go to the tape!

gellaho

New skin known for pulsating

Digital Fartwork jakesy

@gellaho OH MY GOD

FancyShark

HOLY SHIT

gellaho

Ah, the reflexes

FancyShark

HOLY SHIT

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Hahaha I'm in his head now

gellaho

And the reckless homosexual speculation

The reporter lady did that about the priest

Digital Fartwork jakesy

That was a complete guess but knowing what I know about Peter, it scans

FancyShark

Jakesy, I'm taking you off the case. You're getting to deep! You can't let it consume you!

FancyShark

That was legit impressive

gellaho

First instinct when someone tells you about an Omen kid

gellaho

I bet he's in love with that kid

Guy #2 shattered lungs

FancyShark

A+ emoji work, @Digital Fartwork jakesy

gellaho

Gil pissed himself before being kissed and murdered

Digital Fartwork jakesy

One thing I learned from his autobiography is he writes a lot of personal experience into his books, good or bad

gellaho

The fact that Peter David thought the guy in real life was a repressed homosexual makes this even weirder

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Oh god why Peter

FancyShark

Fucking hell, Pete

Signore Bastardo

My spaghetti is amazing, what did I miss?

FancyShark

Chuck threatened the demon child, then left and trusted him to not genocide. Kid blew up his parents and just became a White Walker

Chuck's been captured by The Complex

Signore Bastardo

Not even the Night King?

gellaho

Peter David has been working out some childhood trauma

very poorly

FancyShark

And Peter David brutally murdered the scalded kid because he's angry at a childhood bully

Signore Bastardo

FWIW, Peter was introducing gay characters with dignity and humanity in comics way ahead of the curve, so maybe he caught some therapy.

Digital Fartwork jakesy

He kills off Gil very gayly, and it turns out Gil was a childhood bully who called him a f*g once

FancyShark

Jakesy found the passage from David's memoir

gellaho

His weird autobiography would suggest otherwise

Signore Bastardo

Hear me out: Maybe Matthew is the hero.

FancyShark

If he hadn't named the murdered child after his own bully, I'd argue the stuff in this book is just showing a demon child manipulating an innocent kid who happened to be gay

Signore Bastardo

Psy-Man is a wanted criminal who wanders LA with an escaped Nazi murder-dog, plotting how to kill children.

The deviant has sex with robots while letting his dog tag in.

FancyShark

Okay, you make a good point

Signore Bastardo

i'm just saying

gellaho

Chuck goes unchloroformed because of a psychic... something

Signore Bastardo

You ask me which character is the antichrist, only one has a psychic helldog rapport. That's some Damien shit.

Maybe the squid detonated in New York.

gellaho

Chuck remembers his aikido and psychic power, in that order

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Hmm the aikido thing also makes me think he's the real bad guy

gellaho

Chuck is surprised he can stop a bullet

gellaho

Despite being able to explode giant bears

Signore Bastardo

I think Seagal is proof that aikido is the least sudden or exerting martial art.

gellaho

And setting tons of people ablaze in the first book

Signore Bastardo

maybe tai chi, but that's it.

FancyShark

Each book, Chuck gets a new OP ability and then proceeds to never use it again

gellaho

It's weird that he can only do telekinesis stuff now

Signore Bastardo

Chuck is awesome for doing that, but he could have jammed the trigger or the hammer or several other mechanical parts.

Kylo Ren's still a bitch.

gellaho

He made a guy's brain bleed out of his head in the first book

How does Erwin get defeated?

gellaho

Two big guys fall on top of him

gellaho

Psi-Man!

Signore Bastardo

Two bulky reporters.

Digital Fartwork jakesy

A bulk of reporters

gellaho

Then there's another earthquake. That's California in 2021

Power means poofy hair

gellaho

This plan seems poorly thought through

FancyShark

Yeah, fuck those sequoias up

gellaho

This power seems poorly defined

Signore Bastardo

20 years of pop culture confirms it.

FancyShark

Remember how when we first met Matthew, he was talking about how serious it was to take a life?

Signore Bastardo

That's his journey, man.

now he's gonna event this extinction.

gellaho

Just going supervillian out of nowhere

gellaho

The Psi-Man thing is so wildly inconsistent

FancyShark

ohhh right

Carmen done killed his momma

gellaho

It comes out of nowhere, and leaves just as fast

Signore Bastardo

Just like your daddy.

gellaho

Getting a little ubermenschy

FancyShark

I like that this train of logic depends on Chuck not being a moron

gellaho

Carmen, talking like a human

Signore Bastardo

Can't wait till he finds chuck at the bowling alley trying to psi his fingers unstuck from a ball, and has a rationale for the superior foe playing weak to lure him into overconfidence.

Signore Bastardo

As a fellow insufferable writer, I can confirm we use ten-dollar words to obscure what a cheap one would reveal.

As a journalist she should be better than this, though.

gellaho

You remember that thing about the Russians?

gellaho

I guess she wasn't

(this twist doesn't really make sense)

FancyShark

Ah, because Alex is an androgynous name

Which means the priest WAS stalking the antichrist

...

ew

gellaho

But she was a Russian spy there specifically for that kid, so that doesn't make any sense

Signore Bastardo

Man, Communism collapses and Russia just runs headlong back at the bible.

gellaho

Unless the priest was also a Russian spy, because Alex was told to get in touch with Chuck

but she didn't, the priest did. The priest just happened to tell Chuck about Carmen

fuck, this is stupid

This was pointlessly complicated

Signore Bastardo

hahaha, dawn breaks over marblehead

"Why do all these intelligence agencies keep using me?" wonders dimwitted psychokinetic.

gellaho

Russians have the same strategies as space aliens

gellaho

"We saw your Hollywood movies, and based everything on that"

Signore Bastardo

Russia thinking the psionic would not accept the existence of another psi

Digital Fartwork jakesy

“Da svidonya, comrade Psy-Man”

Signore Bastardo

I met a Siberian today.

She was beautiful and she owned a pomeranian/husky mix.

FancyShark

"We also had to convince you it was a demon even though you were willing to-

dangit, Brendan swooped it

Signore Bastardo

My question is this: what am I being groomed to be an asset for?

I have no psi-powers.

Digital Fartwork jakesy

That's weird, I met someone from Pomerania today who had a Siberian husky

gellaho

So, is this kid actually the antichrist

gellaho

How do you make two more books after this

Signore Bastardo

all intents IN purposes

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Hmmmm

Signore Bastardo

I'm so confused. Russia made this child, then tracked this child to destroy this child?

gellaho

There was no editing on this, he typed "eye crystals" instead of "ice crystals"

gellaho

Nah, this kid was just born. Possibly via an affair with Satan

So far, that's the only explanation given

Signore Bastardo

is his mom a graduate of The Shop?

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Satan is the allegory for Cold War Russia

FancyShark

We're missing the obvious. Rommel fucked his mom

Signore Bastardo

It's bizarre that we cloned a sheep before we got decent voice dictationn.

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Psy-Man is the allegory for Hulk Hogan

Signore Bastardo

1) Rommel is the Sith

2) So was Qui-Gon

Digital Fartwork jakesy

hulk-hogan.gif

gellaho

Demonic mole

FancyShark

That sounds adorable

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Hello

Signore Bastardo

Look at that little guy

Why aren't there more mole furries?

gellaho

Jesus Christ, Chuck, how are you still doing this

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Hahaha I completely forgot that Chuck doesn't kill

FancyShark

Until he does

Signore Bastardo

Is this still Carmen? She KNOWS it's anathema to him!

Hawaiian shirt-pattern Widow over here.

Digital Fartwork jakesy

What is going through Chucks mind now is a dichotomy

A bifurcation if you will

gellaho

He is still calling her Carmen, even though he knows her name is Alex

Signore Bastardo

This implies thoughts go through Chuck's mind.

We know through three adjectives in one sentence that all of his movements come from raw animal instinct.

Plus the chloroform thing.

Maybe he is the dog, dreaming he is the psi-man.

gellaho

Ending on the Golden Gate Bridge. It's just like A View to a Kill

Signore Bastardo

UM, I BELIEVE we were doing GOLDENEYE? scoffs nerdlike

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Breaking news, people get angry when you bomb them

“After I bombed him, his gentle demeanor went away!”

FancyShark

"Pale, like a vampire, as if the blood were gone from him...got it"

"Yeah, use one of those"

"Didn't hear you. Typing."

gellaho

What a series of sentences

FancyShark

Matt, make a flowchart or something. You're all over the map with this

Digital Fartwork jakesy

tom-cruise-help.gif

Signore Bastardo

Healing...cocoon?

gellaho

Yeah, after the bomb he went into a frozen coconut cocoon

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Kafka, etc

gellaho

Do you know what can defeat someone with God-like power over the elements?

AIKIDO

Digital Fartwork jakesy

I'm going to say “the elements”

Signore Bastardo

I don't care if Satan is real in this world, anybody with Avatar powers who has a healing cocoon is de facto a demigod or higher.

Digital Fartwork jakesy

seagal-steven-seagal.gif

Signore Bastardo

okay, time to eat the dopest fucking spaghetti, have fun with your non-spaghetti-eating lives.

gellaho

Chuck Simon going insane not shown in any book

FancyShark

"No! I'm just Mormon!"

gellaho

Painful, just painful to read

FancyShark

Peter David

gellaho

We all remember from The Wizard of 4th Street how to defeat a wizard?

FancyShark

Way to use those powers, Chuck

Digital Fartwork jakesy

bunnies-george.gif

gellaho

Then Matt gets bit by Rommel

FancyShark

I said EAT, not BITE

gellaho

Then Chuck gets scared and blows apart Matt's chest

FancyShark

Heyyyy, there ya go, Chuck!

gellaho

Traditional Chuck Simon victory cry

Digital Fartwork jakesy

He would never forgive himself for killing one demon to save literally every other person

gellaho

Then he gives away his car to the murderous Russian spy

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Because morals are tough

gellaho

Then he takes the bullet train to New York

Digital Fartwork jakesy

🎵In Neeeeeeewwwwwwww York! Concrete jungle where Damiens are chest exploded! There's nothing you can't do!🎵

gellaho

And this setup for a thing that will never happen

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Hahahaha double cocoon!

gellaho

I think in that whole book, Chaos Kid was said only twice

And never in dialog, just in narration

And no Force Lightning

FancyShark

RIP

No wonder they got a new line of cover art

gellaho

Unless this is supposed to represent a chest exploding

gellaho

We have defeated Psi-Man: The Chaos Kid

So ends The Book Cage

gellaho

The next book takes place December 26th, 2021. So, that date will be missed

FancyShark

Thanks, @gellaho ! That was fun!

gellaho

But it takes place in future New York and has a cyborg warrior called Stalker

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Oh shit

Is it available on kindle

gellaho

Quite literally :SteeleYourself:

Digital Fartwork jakesy

This feels like the David/Hawke mashup that dreams are made of

Here's how we can figure out who'll be available for Xmas reading:

gellaho

Killer Steele was February 1990, Psi-Man: Stalker December 1991

Point Simon Hawke

Signore Bastardo

Wait, it picks up ONE DAY after defeating the Russian antichrist?

gellaho

The antichrist wasn't Russian, but essentially yes. The next day he's going to fight the bad cyborg from Killer Steele

Signore Bastardo

I thought his mom was a Russian agent and that's how Russia knew about him.

gellaho

His mom was just a rich lady that the Russian agent blew up

The mom maybe had sex with Satan? I'm still not sure