gellaho
🎄 This is a Festive Book Cage Announcement 🎄
43: Psi-Man: The Chaos Kid David Peters
#4 Psi-Man
Tags:
The ultimate mind-force warrior has finally met his match...
Archive
FancyShark
Fuck yeah!
gellaho
Monday, December 20th, 5pm Eastern. It's the Christmas edition of Psi-Man: The Chaos Kid.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway pin my festive announcement, please. Or The Chaos Kid will crack you open like an oyster
FancyShark
Sadly, this is another one I have to miss because of family holiday stuff. But I will be here in spirit!
I still look forward to reading everyone's jokes when I get back
gellaho
Peter David decided that the book after this one takes place December 26th, and that ain't happening. So this will be the last in my streak of Psi-Man days
The last book takes place "Early Summer, 2022." Psi-Man ends extremely vague
FancyShark
Wow, he really thought this would all work better if it happened over the course of a few months
That means Chuck has had to learn to sack up several times a month
gellaho
Definitely
That description says almost nothing
FancyShark
It's going to either be a literal kid who's too strong for Chuck to slap sense into or a psychic with a cowboy gimmick
gellaho
Take a look at these cover art consultants
gellaho
What do you think the canine and self-defense consultants added to that cover?
FancyShark
"So if you got hit by Force Lightning, would you stagger or stumble?"
"I'm hanging up now."
FancyShark
I have to assume the canine consultant told the artist every idea they had for the dog was unrealistic until they omitted it entirely
Because otherwise they blew a lot of money on that consultation
gellaho
I'm trying to figure out what Simon is standing on, or where the water is coming from
FancyShark
Yeah. The water suggests it's a buoy, but the cables and steel beams suggest a bridge
Both the wrong size for that picture
gellaho
Sky looks nice for a world where the sun has been blotted out by pollution
Radio Smasher GDC
Much like Peter David himself, the cover artist usually forgets that the story is supposed to be post-apocalyptic.
Alpha Bro Greg (Wizard)
"The ultimate mind-force warrior has finally met his match"
"So how do we draw this?"
"How about Psy-Man effortlessly killing a child with his death magic?"
gellaho
Coming up at the top of the next hour, David Peter's/Peter David's Psi-Man: The Chaos Kid
FancyShark
I think Carmen's going to live a long, full life
gellaho
Time to begin
gellaho
Could you even imagine, the year 2021
FancyShark
It's been a few weeks since Fartgate, so I assume Not-Disney has been executed for treason
gellaho
A fantastic vision of the future: telephonic booths
FancyShark
Romanova. So...Brazilian?
gellaho
A phone call for Ruskie Russianikov
FancyShark
Alex is a top agent
Who forgets when he's not on a video call
gellaho
"Matt will elevate us above President Fart"
FancyShark
"Did we need four phone calls for this conversation?"
gellaho
Meanwhile: a kid doesn't get picked for football
FancyShark
Paulie would grow up to be Christopher Jarvis
And still not get picked for football
gellaho
Chuck Simon watches creepily from the distance
FancyShark
His continuing effort to slightly alter his appearance but still be totally identifiable
gellaho
Cover artist really doesn't like representing what Chuck looks like
FancyShark
"I made a Lightning Adonis. Fuck you if you can't appreciate it!"
gellaho
FancyShark
Isn't this stupid? Hi, I'm Peter David, the person that wrote this stupid thing and the one calling it stupid
gellaho
Maybe you should spend some time thinking about why this happened, Peter
FancyShark
I want David's reason to be that 'Rommel' sounds like a Scooby-Doo utterance, but even I know that's reaching
gellaho
Chuck Simon interferes in a children's football game
FancyShark
Jesus, Paulie. You need an imaginary friend
gellaho
Ah, yes, football groupies
gellaho
Dogs: not known for playing catch
FancyShark
Hi, folks. Peter David again. Yes, I absolutely believe that football players are guaranteed sex
gellaho
Jesus, that'd be pathetic
gellaho
Chuck gets in an argument with his future car
FancyShark
When did he get this?
A bulletproof car seems like the kind of thing you'd want in every scenario he's faced
gellaho
He was gifted the RAC 3000 by not-Disney
The return of President Fart
FancyShark
Ah, gotcha
gellaho
Just tossing out the phrase "gag thriller" like that's a thing
FancyShark
"Erotic condolence letter"
"Three act recipe book"
I think if your movie has the word 'fart' in the title, it's required to be a kids movie with celebrity voices
gellaho
Matthew Olivetti teen sociopath
FancyShark
"Apparently"?
Pete, you're in control of this universe. You can be more assured
gellaho
Fun kid
FancyShark
Oh, okay. This is The Omen
gellaho
I wonder what this kid's deal is, I can't quite put my finger on it
FancyShark
I can't wait to see how Chuck dicks around for half the book before confronting him
gellaho
A child named Gil put a dead rat in Matt's locker. So he does this
FancyShark
Holy shit
gellaho
Right before that, he bet Gil $100 it would snow in San Fransisco
So he can control the weather
FancyShark
An actually-scary and powerful villain? Are we reading the right author?
Also, this kid doesn't seem to fuck around. Chuck's going to get his ass handed to him
gellaho
Then he burns the hell out of this kid
FancyShark
Fuck!
So we've got weather control, telekinesis, pyrokinesis, hydrokinesis
gellaho
Luckily Chuck Simon senses(?) Matt and just rolls up
FancyShark
huh. Well, alright then
This is starting off way too promising. Is Pete going to give us a good story or will he flop after the opening?
gellaho
That sounds just like President Fart
FancyShark
And the NRA quietly nodded in assent
gellaho
Peter David has a weird understanding of the American people
FancyShark
yeah
gellaho
It's not like he grew up in the sixties or anything
FancyShark
Or was around for Vietnam
gellaho
OK, now it's just the force
gellaho
Or Spidey sense
FancyShark
And this power was definitely there the whole time
Really
Totes
FancyShark
Heya, Brendan!
Signore Bastardo
:waves a sharkflipper:
FancyShark
Chuck helped a loser child catch a football and the bad guy is basically Damien meets Storm meets Pyro
The kid has a god complex and is a complete sociopath
gellaho
One kid got burned in the by scalding water in the shower
Second kid just got burned to death
FancyShark
He also made it snow just to win a bet with the kid he scalded
And he dropped a tree on a kid that made a joke at him
gellaho
Chuck Simon: Master of Disguise
FancyShark
"Chuck Green, the pedophile?"
Signore Bastardo
No, that's my brother!
"Your parents named both of you Chuck?"
FancyShark
"We were...twins?"
Signore Bastardo
The kid or Chuck Simon: Psyman?
FancyShark
The kid
He can control the weather, it looks like
But also has pyrokinesis, telekinesis and hydrokinesis
gellaho
For some reason, a priest called Father Pertwee asks Chuck to a secret meeting
Signore Bastardo
If you have TK, you have all the other Ks.
That priest is gonna die.
FancyShark
I guess Peter watched some classic Dr Who
gellaho
Matthew Olivetti is a little rich boy
Signore Bastardo
Maybe tonight, maybe at the meet, but he's going to choke out half a piece of useful info.
FancyShark
Matthew is going to turn out to be descended from Mussolini or something
gellaho
Matthew decides to go to the hospital to creep over the dead body, I guess
Man, it must be really easy to write about psychics. You can just type "some sort of instinct" whenever you want!
FancyShark
That last sentence is doing a lot of work
Signore Bastardo
The Force.
If you're going to invent superpowers, you need some rules.
FancyShark
Oh right. Chuck has spidey-sense for psychics now
Signore Bastardo
Matthew's three discrete levels of unconscious.
gellaho
I'm 99% sure the priest is that Russian spy Alex
FancyShark
oh yeah! Forgot about the Very Russian Spy at the start of the book
Matthew, the phrase is "stranger danger"
Or "stalker"
Either way, that priest is dead
gellaho
That's why there are no people in San Francisco in 2021
gellaho
People love experiencing real life tragedies as amusements
Signore Bastardo
That's gonna wreak chaos in your grocery supply chain.
gellaho
That's why we have all those 9/11 simulators
FancyShark
Peter's calling out 2014 too?
gellaho
He's also confused a minor league team for the San Francisco Giants
Considering this takes place in San Francisco, he shouldn't fuck that up
Signore Bastardo
Not the Red Sox's best year, TBH.
FancyShark
lol
Signore Bastardo
I'm guessing the Giants moved because of the increasingly vocal tectonics.
gellaho
What a fun diversion
Signore Bastardo
It's like how the Cubs had become the Cubbies in BttF2
Signore Bastardo
GODDAMIT, BUCKNER, HOW DID YOU DO THIS
FancyShark
Please tell me they called that quake Wrath of the Bambino
Because there's no way this was written before that curse was broken
gellaho
FancyShark
Fuckin' called it!
It's Mormon vs Antichrist
gellaho
Peter David may be out of his depth
Signore Bastardo
"Antichrist Superstar was a great album," mused Chuck, to the boys at the park. "Probably Manson's best until The Way of All Flesh."
"Cliff Manson?" asked one of the boys, "The platinum-selling harpsichordist?"
"No, his father," said Chuck. "A real bad boy of the music biz." Demonstrating his point, he crushed a nearby fire hydrant with TK to demonstrate to the children the power one man was capable of once he forsook society's mores.
Wait a second...LYLE OLIVETTI
EVIL TOT TELLY
This child is going to become world-famous as the first reality show antichrist
FancyShark
I'm just glad he didn't find a way to give them nazi names
gellaho
Not quite
FancyShark
Aw, he was born on Christmas? That's sweet
Definitely gets shorted on presents though
Signore Bastardo
"When did game shows become reality shows?" Chuck wondered. It was probably after President Chelsea Clinton ordered Congress to pass laws forbidding fiction on TV. Though controversial at the time, the law had allowed for children's television to lie, if it was in an educational fashion. Producers had rushed into the loophole, and claimed Killing In the Name of God With the Kardashians targeted a much younger audience.
Signore Bastardo
The necessary first step in becoming evil enough to be the antichrist.
gellaho
"This antichrist business is ridiculous. Now, let me talk to my psychic dog I named after a Nazi"
gellaho
A dog that was originally called Subject 666, but the author forgot that
Signore Bastardo
There's a corrected translation that says it's 616, but Marvel has yet to capitalize on that.
gellaho
Ah, Carmen's a female reporter. She's definitely dead meat
Signore Bastardo
No, she's going to fall for her story.
gellaho
Not like his love interest in the last book that ended up being a sex bot
But again, this antichrist thing? Crazy pants
Signore Bastardo
"Dammit, Simon. I was just looking to get to the bottom of your abilities. But I think I'm falling in love with you." Probably played by Elizabeth Shew or Kelly McGillis.
FancyShark
Then Rommel possesses his brain for more werewolf sex
gellaho
I'm guessing Matty has arrived
FancyShark
Also, Carmen, if you have evidence of the actual Antichrist, I'm pretty sure there's at least half a dozen secret societies that know about it too
gellaho
AIKIDO
gellaho
seagal-steven-seagal.gif
FancyShark
Look at that aikido mastery
gellaho
Wow, correcting the grammar of something you lip read. That's next level
FancyShark
Weird. You'd think President Fart would have gotten at least one report about a walking apocalypse in San Francisco
Signore Bastardo
This dude couldn't tell Simon some basic conjecture, and when Simon asked for proof of his elaborate claims before he murdered a child, Priest Pertwee just says, "Go talk to a reporter if you still need evidence."
I'd let the world burn just for disrespecting my time.
FancyShark
"Look, you need to make this my problem"
Signore Bastardo
It is he is bullshit, CMV.
gellaho
Approaching SL Hunter levels of metaphor and simile, Peter David
gellaho
gellaho
You don't want to be there
Signore Bastardo
"Well if you reverse it," well maybe some statements don't turn inside out, do they?
FancyShark
A watery hand drowning with a rush of water
gellaho
Chuck is flying again
FancyShark
Chuck, people are being torn in half by an angry Poseidon. Peter Pan on your own time
Signore Bastardo
I submit to you that any object of a verb, whether direct or indirect, is third-person personal pronoun.
gellaho
Earlier, Chuck had changed the trajectory of a football. Apparently, the air is more substantial than the watwr
FancyShark
Don't try to be cool by having Chuck shuck, Pete
gellaho
But, he can levitate a dead man out of the water
Signore Bastardo
I'm confused of the nature here. Chuck's powers are ruled by Newtonian physics?
Like at what juncture?
This is the "cartoon lifting itself by the collar" question.
FancyShark
It's the type of thing that makes more sense if the author never brought it up
gellaho
ignore all the times Rommel talked about how fun it was to kill and eat people, please
Signore Bastardo
My dog ate poop today, so I respectfully disagree.
At some point today he's going to try to give me Junkie Hepatitis Kisses.
gellaho
Matthew was always stoic. Except when he wasn't
FancyShark
Pete must've gotten two drafts mixed together
Signore Bastardo
San Francisco has brownstones?
FancyShark
FUTURE!
gellaho
A psychic dog? Ridiculous. Back to celebrating the earthquake/magic jets of water I created with my brain
FancyShark
I never thought I'd say this, but I hope we see Rommel kill this child
Signore Bastardo
"You're an angel of the Lord, Chuck, possessed by the archangel Gabriel. Your TK stems from faith in Him and acceptance of your personal savior, The Lord Jesus Christ, who was not a man but God's only Son, come here to sacrifice his precious Blood for y--"
"Father Pertwee, I just asked if that was the child you wanted me to kill."
gellaho
In the very first Psi-Man, The Beatles were mostly forgotten
But the James Bond books? Still available
gellaho
gellaho
Not the movies, the books
Signore Bastardo
Look, we gave peace a chance. It failed. Now, in the bitter Los Anfrancisco of Si-Man, we need a REAL man to kill, drink, and fuck with abandon.
FancyShark
Matthew calls up the Arctic and Indian oceans and asks them to stay on standby
gellaho
Chuck Simon pretends to be blind to stay in a fancy hotel
FancyShark
Why has he not been doing this every book?
gellaho
Sticking with that name though
Signore Bastardo
Rommel's kind of an asshole dog.
FancyShark
"At least, I assume he's big. Since I'm blind, I have no frame of reference."
Signore Bastardo
He's all the work of a dog minus the joys of a dog, and occasionally he cucks your brains right out of your head.
FancyShark
He also definitely eats human corpses
gellaho
As seen in The Hardy Boys Casefiles: Bad Rap, hotel room #420
FancyShark
Vice squad immediately busts him for knowing all their code phrases
gellaho
Apropos of Nothing
gellaho
Make sure to pray to a Nazi before God
It's just what a pious Quaker would do
FancyShark
Hi. Peter David again. I approve this message.
gellaho
The pain was beyond pain, it was a painful kind of pain
Signore Bastardo
Call girls have a complex system in 2022
I missed when Father died, but I told you Father would die.
gellaho
So he melts in a psychic vision for a while
which I feel like just happened in one of these books
Signore Bastardo
Chuck just wants a simple life, and he's constantly just wandering into insane situations.
Not being hunted.
Just traipsing into the antichrist's football game.
gellaho
It was like a simile, overused
FancyShark
It's 2/3rds of the formula for a TV series
Budd Dwyer Thought
not nice to make fun of people's garbage academic article titles @BONAR LAW, formerly Javo. I was required to make my title stupider when I was applying for funding, it's just the rules of the road. your title has to suck
FancyShark
To be fair, most teenagers are like that
gellaho
It was a time without free speech, where you couldn't put farts under a presidential speech
Signore Bastardo
What a bittersweet day for a Quaker to find proof God is real even as He fails to save you from Satan's unprovoked clutches.
gellaho
And then make a movie about it
Or have a sovereign kingdom/theme park
Signore Bastardo
he put a whoopie cushion under him that REMOTE-TRIGGERED on broadcast only
FancyShark
I still love how a fart video is tanking the President's international standing and not the, y'know, removal of the Bill of Rights
Signore Bastardo
A physical agent had to break into the oval office(!) so that he could place an easily noticed threat on his chair
It's like printing out an email so you can scan it OCR so that you can send it to a photoshop editor for text alteration.
gellaho
Seems like a woman who'd believe in the antichrist
gellaho
This seems a lot more complicated than just having a state-run newspaper
FancyShark
One desk. If the occupant is on vacation, news stops until they get back
gellaho
We could just stop all private newspapers and setup our own with reporters who are loyal. But, instead, how about we have a bunch of angry people and pay people to piss them off
Signore Bastardo
It's interesting that David's description of different Latinas varies mostly in their attractiveness, and that attractiveness scales based on how much they start to resemble Peter David.
FancyShark
Holy shit, that tracks
Signore Bastardo
"Let's see brown hair...but like...short, hahaha, this cow..."
gellaho
Jesus, that sucks
FancyShark
The hell does that mean?
Signore Bastardo
This Olivetti kid has a network of spies.
gellaho
People in this book only act on hunches
gellaho
You know, all those concession stands that sell Q-tips
That common thing
Peter David's finger is on the pulse of the future
gellaho
Also wrote Salt-N-Pepa in the whitest way possible
FancyShark
Because if there's one industry with rock solid stability, it's pop music
gellaho
He also called them rock stars
Which none of them are
FancyShark
Pete thinks Mitch Miller was too "urban"
Signore Bastardo
So, fun story time
First off, I saw Salt 'n' Pepa at a '90s revival show 4 years ago. They rocked balls. En Vogue and Lisa Loeb were there, too. I absolutely threw bedroom eyes at each one, with the shamelessness of a divorced aunt at a Tom Jones concert.
gellaho
Chuck Simon just throwing out terrible one liners now. With a level of confidence never before seen
gellaho
Signore Bastardo
Second, I don't know what kind of newspaper of the future has a forensics lab.
gellaho
The kind that doesn't print any news, I guess
Signore Bastardo
But I had an artist once try to change a comic script on me so a neutered superhero didn't lightly singe styrofoam, but instead have my reporter bring her coffee cup back to the newspaper for fingerprinting.
I shut that shit down immediately.
FancyShark
Seems odd to block publishing info on the government's most wanted, but that's why I'm not a politician
Signore Bastardo
To see one of my influences doing this pains me.
gellaho
So now, they're just breaking into the school. Lady has revealed no information
Signore Bastardo
It's pretty clear the President is Trump in their world, so always bet on the dumbest fucking decision guaranteed to backfire.
gellaho
San Francisco 2021. 800 earthquakes a month
Signore Bastardo
You could give President Future two bad options, and he'd break both of them to staple them into a third freak choice.
FancyShark
So, he killed his teacher over a bad report card?
How has this kid managed to graduate?
You still have to get your parents to sign the card
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Yeah but you can do it with your mind
gellaho
He's not the son of Satan, he's just following the elements of ancient belief
gellaho
Don't be ridiculous
BONAR LAW, formerly Javo
Look if Alex is gonna dunk on me for being a post structuralist I get to dunk on his ghost bulkshit
Signore Bastardo
Satan isn't real. Only bending is real, Carmen.
FancyShark
There were records of someone dying after they criticized this kid? Who was keeping those notes?
gellaho
I'm glad we met that reporter and went to that school to learn information we already had
gellaho
it's in his permanent record
blessed be the permanent record
FancyShark
The permanent record, which records via osmosis
gellaho
Matty's a little rich mama's boy
gellaho
That paragraph encapsulates Chapter 11
FancyShark
Oedipus Damien
Digital Fartwork jakesy
What are you doing, step-mom!?
gellaho
Next chapter: Chuck Simon gets in a romantic tiff with his car
gellaho
Followed by this
gellaho
And that's Chapter 12
FancyShark
hahaha, that's actually pretty good
gellaho
Next page opens with this sloppy ass setup
gellaho
And I'm assuming the she and he are Chuck and Carmen? Maybe?
Either way, they've arrived to interview the Olivetti's
Digital Fartwork jakesy
What is with these guys and all the terrible fake Italian names
FancyShark
I will say that traveling by train is cushier than by airplane for cross-country. But it's true that it takes way longer
gellaho
Just wonderful dialog
FancyShark
All of the references in these books are aimed at children, comic nerds, and neo nazis
gellaho
Totally normal
FancyShark
And Chuck has a plan for not letting the antichrist detect him the same way he detected the antichrist
right?
Chuck?
RIGHT?
gellaho
I'm trying to figure out why Peter David thinks he can just introduce a supervillian name out of the blue
gellaho
Just calling them Psi-Man and the Chaos Kid out of nowhere
that's the first time Chaos Kid has shown up outside of the cover
FancyShark
bizarre
gellaho
"Eh, it'll be on the cover, I don't have to actually explain it or anything. They'll get it"
This child has a supervillian plan out of nowhere as well
