43: Psi-Man: The Chaos Kid David Peters

FancyShark

This is Matthew at his most stoic, of course

gellaho

Very unemotional

Meanwhile: Matt's parents are in a soap opera

gellaho

This seems like a seventeen year old

gellaho

Teens love phrases like "old bean"

FancyShark

Pete might be forgetting which character he's writing

Digital Fartwork jakesy

As a teen, Peter David was bullied pretty hard so maybe teens like Peter David said things like that

gellaho

OK, bye

Radio Smasher GDC

That probably sounded a lot cooler in Chuck's head.

gellaho

Chuck lifted Matt to the ceiling ,and then Matt make it kind of hot. It was quite the battle

Then Chuck left, his work being done

Digital Fartwork jakesy

The Thermostat Kid strikes again

gellaho

Must be a Hardy Boy near

FancyShark

Chuck's plan: threaten the genocidal demon child and hope he's too intimidated to do anything

At least we know the parents died before they could get a divorce

gellaho

Chuck runs into a lot of terrorists

FancyShark

Well, it's like they say: If there's no news to report, you have to make some

gellaho

Page 56

gellaho

Page 117

FancyShark

To be fair, that seems more practical than fun

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Oh that Nazi dog-o-mine!

gellaho

This seems like the time for this

FancyShark

<cue Jackie Chan freeze frame laugh>

gellaho

we-made-you-maximum.gif

Digital Fartwork jakesy

deep-deep-thinking.gif

FancyShark

At least this time Chuck's dicking around is not his choice

gellaho

Peter David wants you to know what he had to read in high school

gellaho

There was a 1984 reference earlier

Digital Fartwork jakesy

“This is the one where the guy turns into a bug!”

Spoilers I guess

gellaho

I always forget about this stupid spoon necklace

FancyShark

That seems really cumbersome

gellaho

Chuck Simon goes back to the newspaper, forgetting there are government agents there

FancyShark

Hey, you're right, Chuck!

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Where were you on that one, Psi-Man

gellaho

He can sense danger

Except when he can't

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Oh hey I have all the psychic powers, better not use them ever!

gellaho

Gil, the kid who was scalded over 70% of his body a day ago, is wandering around the hospital trying to find Matthew's dead body

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Oh he ain't dead

FancyShark

Gil will soon start screaming "My life for him! Bumpity bumpity bump!"

gellaho

Matt's body has frozen over

gellaho

And... Coconut cocooned?

FancyShark

It'd be more baffling that this kid has avoided detection for so long if everyone wasn't stupid

gellaho

Now tweedle dee and tweedle dum are going to cut it open without delay or precaution

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Oh shit some would say there is about to be some kafkaesque shit going down

FancyShark

World-class screwups, but still employed

gellaho

Now just get your hands in there and yank

gellaho

Eye crystals

FancyShark

wtf

gellaho

Was he dictating this to someone? I'm assuming that's supposed to be ice crystals

But that'd be a hell of a typo

FancyShark

Yeah. The only thing I find when googling "eye crystals" is some horrifying medical condition

gellaho

Guy #1, crushed windpipe

gellaho

Gil (severe burn victim and child) comical pratfall

gellaho

I think Peter David thinks this high schooler who was nearly scalded to death is supposed to be hilarious

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Wonder if someone named Gil stuffed him into a locker once

Let's go to the tape!

gellaho

New skin known for pulsating

Digital Fartwork jakesy

@gellaho OH MY GOD

FancyShark

HOLY SHIT

gellaho

Ah, the reflexes

FancyShark

HOLY SHIT

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Hahaha I'm in his head now

gellaho

And the reckless homosexual speculation

The reporter lady did that about the priest

Digital Fartwork jakesy

That was a complete guess but knowing what I know about Peter, it scans

FancyShark

Jakesy, I'm taking you off the case. You're getting to deep! You can't let it consume you!

FancyShark

That was legit impressive

gellaho

First instinct when someone tells you about an Omen kid

gellaho

I bet he's in love with that kid

Guy #2 shattered lungs

FancyShark

A+ emoji work, @Digital Fartwork jakesy

gellaho

Gil pissed himself before being kissed and murdered

Digital Fartwork jakesy

One thing I learned from his autobiography is he writes a lot of personal experience into his books, good or bad

gellaho

The fact that Peter David thought the guy in real life was a repressed homosexual makes this even weirder

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Oh god why Peter

FancyShark

Fucking hell, Pete

Signore Bastardo

My spaghetti is amazing, what did I miss?

FancyShark

Chuck threatened the demon child, then left and trusted him to not genocide. Kid blew up his parents and just became a White Walker

Chuck's been captured by The Complex

Signore Bastardo

Not even the Night King?

gellaho

Peter David has been working out some childhood trauma

very poorly

FancyShark

And Peter David brutally murdered the scalded kid because he's angry at a childhood bully

Signore Bastardo

FWIW, Peter was introducing gay characters with dignity and humanity in comics way ahead of the curve, so maybe he caught some therapy.

Digital Fartwork jakesy

He kills off Gil very gayly, and it turns out Gil was a childhood bully who called him a f*g once

FancyShark

Jakesy found the passage from David's memoir

gellaho

His weird autobiography would suggest otherwise

Signore Bastardo

Hear me out: Maybe Matthew is the hero.

FancyShark

If he hadn't named the murdered child after his own bully, I'd argue the stuff in this book is just showing a demon child manipulating an innocent kid who happened to be gay

Signore Bastardo

Psy-Man is a wanted criminal who wanders LA with an escaped Nazi murder-dog, plotting how to kill children.

The deviant has sex with robots while letting his dog tag in.

FancyShark

Okay, you make a good point

Signore Bastardo

i'm just saying

gellaho

Chuck goes unchloroformed because of a psychic... something

Signore Bastardo

You ask me which character is the antichrist, only one has a psychic helldog rapport. That's some Damien shit.

Maybe the squid detonated in New York.

gellaho

Chuck remembers his aikido and psychic power, in that order

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Hmm the aikido thing also makes me think he's the real bad guy

gellaho

Chuck is surprised he can stop a bullet

gellaho

Despite being able to explode giant bears

Signore Bastardo

I think Seagal is proof that aikido is the least sudden or exerting martial art.

gellaho

And setting tons of people ablaze in the first book

Signore Bastardo

maybe tai chi, but that's it.

FancyShark

Each book, Chuck gets a new OP ability and then proceeds to never use it again

gellaho

It's weird that he can only do telekinesis stuff now

Signore Bastardo

Chuck is awesome for doing that, but he could have jammed the trigger or the hammer or several other mechanical parts.

Kylo Ren's still a bitch.

gellaho

He made a guy's brain bleed out of his head in the first book

How does Erwin get defeated?

gellaho

Two big guys fall on top of him

gellaho

Psi-Man!

Signore Bastardo

Two bulky reporters.

Digital Fartwork jakesy

A bulk of reporters

gellaho

Then there's another earthquake. That's California in 2021

Power means poofy hair

gellaho

This plan seems poorly thought through

FancyShark

Yeah, fuck those sequoias up

gellaho

This power seems poorly defined

Signore Bastardo

20 years of pop culture confirms it.

FancyShark

Remember how when we first met Matthew, he was talking about how serious it was to take a life?

Signore Bastardo

That's his journey, man.

now he's gonna event this extinction.

gellaho

Just going supervillian out of nowhere

gellaho

The Psi-Man thing is so wildly inconsistent

FancyShark

ohhh right

Carmen done killed his momma

gellaho

It comes out of nowhere, and leaves just as fast

Signore Bastardo

Just like your daddy.

gellaho

Getting a little ubermenschy

FancyShark

I like that this train of logic depends on Chuck not being a moron

gellaho

Carmen, talking like a human

Signore Bastardo

Can't wait till he finds chuck at the bowling alley trying to psi his fingers unstuck from a ball, and has a rationale for the superior foe playing weak to lure him into overconfidence.

Signore Bastardo

As a fellow insufferable writer, I can confirm we use ten-dollar words to obscure what a cheap one would reveal.

As a journalist she should be better than this, though.

gellaho

You remember that thing about the Russians?

gellaho

I guess she wasn't

(this twist doesn't really make sense)

FancyShark

Ah, because Alex is an androgynous name

Which means the priest WAS stalking the antichrist

...

ew

gellaho

But she was a Russian spy there specifically for that kid, so that doesn't make any sense

Signore Bastardo

Man, Communism collapses and Russia just runs headlong back at the bible.

gellaho

Unless the priest was also a Russian spy, because Alex was told to get in touch with Chuck

but she didn't, the priest did. The priest just happened to tell Chuck about Carmen

fuck, this is stupid

This was pointlessly complicated

Signore Bastardo

hahaha, dawn breaks over marblehead

"Why do all these intelligence agencies keep using me?" wonders dimwitted psychokinetic.

gellaho

Russians have the same strategies as space aliens

gellaho

"We saw your Hollywood movies, and based everything on that"

Signore Bastardo

Russia thinking the psionic would not accept the existence of another psi

Digital Fartwork jakesy

“Da svidonya, comrade Psy-Man”

Signore Bastardo

I met a Siberian today.

She was beautiful and she owned a pomeranian/husky mix.

FancyShark

"We also had to convince you it was a demon even though you were willing to-

dangit, Brendan swooped it

Signore Bastardo

My question is this: what am I being groomed to be an asset for?

I have no psi-powers.

Digital Fartwork jakesy

That's weird, I met someone from Pomerania today who had a Siberian husky

gellaho

So, is this kid actually the antichrist

gellaho

How do you make two more books after this

Signore Bastardo

all intents IN purposes

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Hmmmm

Signore Bastardo

I'm so confused. Russia made this child, then tracked this child to destroy this child?

gellaho

There was no editing on this, he typed "eye crystals" instead of "ice crystals"

gellaho

Nah, this kid was just born. Possibly via an affair with Satan

So far, that's the only explanation given

Signore Bastardo

is his mom a graduate of The Shop?

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Satan is the allegory for Cold War Russia

FancyShark

We're missing the obvious. Rommel fucked his mom

Signore Bastardo

It's bizarre that we cloned a sheep before we got decent voice dictationn.

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Psy-Man is the allegory for Hulk Hogan

Signore Bastardo

1) Rommel is the Sith

2) So was Qui-Gon

Digital Fartwork jakesy

hulk-hogan.gif

gellaho

Demonic mole

FancyShark

That sounds adorable

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Hello

Signore Bastardo

Look at that little guy

Why aren't there more mole furries?

gellaho

Jesus Christ, Chuck, how are you still doing this

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Hahaha I completely forgot that Chuck doesn't kill

FancyShark

Until he does

Signore Bastardo

Is this still Carmen? She KNOWS it's anathema to him!

Hawaiian shirt-pattern Widow over here.

Digital Fartwork jakesy

What is going through Chucks mind now is a dichotomy

A bifurcation if you will

gellaho

He is still calling her Carmen, even though he knows her name is Alex

Signore Bastardo

This implies thoughts go through Chuck's mind.

We know through three adjectives in one sentence that all of his movements come from raw animal instinct.

Plus the chloroform thing.

Maybe he is the dog, dreaming he is the psi-man.

gellaho

Ending on the Golden Gate Bridge. It's just like A View to a Kill

Signore Bastardo

UM, I BELIEVE we were doing GOLDENEYE? scoffs nerdlike

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Breaking news, people get angry when you bomb them

“After I bombed him, his gentle demeanor went away!”

FancyShark

"Pale, like a vampire, as if the blood were gone from him...got it"

"Yeah, use one of those"

"Didn't hear you. Typing."

gellaho

What a series of sentences

FancyShark

Matt, make a flowchart or something. You're all over the map with this

Digital Fartwork jakesy

tom-cruise-help.gif

Signore Bastardo

Healing...cocoon?

gellaho

Yeah, after the bomb he went into a frozen coconut cocoon

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Kafka, etc

gellaho

Do you know what can defeat someone with God-like power over the elements?

AIKIDO

Digital Fartwork jakesy

I'm going to say “the elements”

Signore Bastardo

I don't care if Satan is real in this world, anybody with Avatar powers who has a healing cocoon is de facto a demigod or higher.

Digital Fartwork jakesy

seagal-steven-seagal.gif

Signore Bastardo

okay, time to eat the dopest fucking spaghetti, have fun with your non-spaghetti-eating lives.

gellaho

Chuck Simon going insane not shown in any book

FancyShark

"No! I'm just Mormon!"

gellaho

Painful, just painful to read

FancyShark

Peter David

gellaho

We all remember from The Wizard of 4th Street how to defeat a wizard?

FancyShark

Way to use those powers, Chuck

Digital Fartwork jakesy

bunnies-george.gif

gellaho

Then Matt gets bit by Rommel

FancyShark

I said EAT, not BITE

gellaho

Then Chuck gets scared and blows apart Matt's chest

FancyShark

Heyyyy, there ya go, Chuck!

gellaho

Traditional Chuck Simon victory cry

Digital Fartwork jakesy

He would never forgive himself for killing one demon to save literally every other person

gellaho

Then he gives away his car to the murderous Russian spy

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Because morals are tough

gellaho

Then he takes the bullet train to New York

Digital Fartwork jakesy

🎵In Neeeeeeewwwwwwww York! Concrete jungle where Damiens are chest exploded! There's nothing you can't do!🎵

gellaho

And this setup for a thing that will never happen

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Hahahaha double cocoon!

gellaho

I think in that whole book, Chaos Kid was said only twice

And never in dialog, just in narration

And no Force Lightning

FancyShark

RIP

No wonder they got a new line of cover art

gellaho

Unless this is supposed to represent a chest exploding

gellaho

We have defeated Psi-Man: The Chaos Kid

So ends The Book Cage

gellaho

The next book takes place December 26th, 2021. So, that date will be missed

FancyShark

Thanks, @gellaho ! That was fun!

gellaho

But it takes place in future New York and has a cyborg warrior called Stalker

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Oh shit

Is it available on kindle

gellaho

Quite literally :SteeleYourself:

Digital Fartwork jakesy

This feels like the David/Hawke mashup that dreams are made of

Here's how we can figure out who'll be available for Xmas reading:

gellaho

Killer Steele was February 1990, Psi-Man: Stalker December 1991

Point Simon Hawke

Signore Bastardo

Wait, it picks up ONE DAY after defeating the Russian antichrist?

gellaho

The antichrist wasn't Russian, but essentially yes. The next day he's going to fight the bad cyborg from Killer Steele

Signore Bastardo

I thought his mom was a Russian agent and that's how Russia knew about him.

gellaho

His mom was just a rich lady that the Russian agent blew up

The mom maybe had sex with Satan? I'm still not sure