Tranger in a *stranger* land, time-bent scientist Marvin Brewster never planned to become...
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gellaho
We return to the Reluctant Sorcerer series once again with The Inadequate Adept. What new comedic tortures does Simon Hawke have for us this week? Will there be any plot developments? Will I get a brain injury from banging my head on every surface in my home? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
@Brockway Please give this nerd with the sweet wizard mullet a pin please
jakesy (unbreaded)
Ahhhhh I get it, Simon! Inadequate is the opposite of adept
Brockway
All true wizards have a mullet. It is the source of their power.
gellaho
Oh, he'll make sure you get it
jakesy (unbreaded)
THE PLOT SICKENS
gellaho
Kind of looks like it was briefly THE PLOT XICKENS
FancyShark
GET IT?! DO YOU GET IT?!
jakesy (unbreaded)
I got 20 JakesyBuxx that Warrick is defeated by like Peace-o or some shit
FancyShark
I've got 7 FancyCoins on us getting a minimum of five extensive lectures on everyday items
MO BRAKES FOR MONSTER BOOTY
I got 1 MoMoneys on.... shit, I don't have a joke, I just wanted to use that name
gellaho
jakesy (unbreaded)
30 JBuxx on that person being George RR
“Simon you’re a great drinking buddy but for the love of god don’t blame me for this book “
FancyShark
Muddy's Cafe sounds like it either has awesome comfort food or terrible service
I know it could potentially be both, but that's how it sounds
gellaho
This is madness
That's the preview for what's happening in an hour
FancyShark
W-we'll be fine. No worries
Thrillho
Pictured: Count Dracula
gellaho
Oh, Stranger in a Stranger land. Hohoho.
Kill me
FancyShark
hohoho
gellaho
Oh, dear God
FancyShark
Right out the gate
This...this is going to hurt
John, Grand Master of the Arena
You would think even Simon is rolling his eyes at this point. He just wrote a whole book of this shit.
gellaho
Jesus, how long can this go on for
FancyShark
Simon, we're your friends. Talk to us. What's hurting you?
gellaho
Wait, no, go back to the pontificating
FancyShark
Oh. This bit again
gellaho
Yes, this bit
FancyShark
He's committed to this. It's probably going to lead to Warrick controlling the narrative
gellaho
How does the wizard know what episodes are
FancyShark
A vague scientist. Yes, that's how you describe someone
gellaho
Don't tempt me, Simon
FancyShark
lol
gellaho
Hawke really thinks dropping the book name is a sweet bit
FancyShark
Maybe he caught flak for not shilling the first one enough
It's depressing that Simon is spending a second book explaining how confusing his time travel mechanics work rather than just explaining them or ignoring them
gellaho
Spam jokes! Really trying new ground
FancyShark
He better not talk about ducks and witches
gellaho
Time for a public shower
FancyShark
Sexist
Did we ever learn why he knows how to make everything except a functional time machine, despite that being his life's work?
gellaho
I don't know if my bar is just too low now, but "foam of madness" sort of works
gellaho
This is a great question
FancyShark
Don't fall for it, gellaho. It's a trap.
gellaho
Then the walking bush tries to get some of that water
Shannon is not obeying the lady rules
FancyShark
Shannon, former child prostitute and Strong Female Character, observes our hero's pruny dick
Thrillho
I thought it was spelled Shanner
gellaho
Goddammit, I forgot about this
FancyShark
dammit. I'd changed them to Larry, Curly and Moe because that at least seemed closer to a joke
gellaho
All the horrible memories are flooding back
FancyShark
FancyShark
But wait! There was a dragon! A boring but still very present dragon!
And a talking toilet
gellaho
Speaking of toilets
FancyShark
sigh
gellaho
That was pointless, moving on
Explains a lot about the writing process
FancyShark
Thanks, Simon. We guessed
gellaho
David Niven
FancyShark
Okay, Simon. I'll call your bluff. I'm looking him up.
Star of the original Pink Panther movie, among others
gellaho
Meanwhile, at the Stealers Tavern, Dire Straits jokes
FancyShark
Dire Straits. Interesting thing to evoke in your painfully unfunny novel, Simon.
gellaho
And this guy is going off to do... something
FancyShark
If he got shot by a random arrow and died right at the start of his journey, it'd be funnier than anything we've seen in the book so far
gellaho
Morning Wood jokes
FancyShark
Yet another scene of Shannon drinking in the sight of that dick
gellaho
Nothing gets me hornier than profit based confusion
FancyShark
His wife never earned a glance from him
Just a reminder
Sorry, fiance
gellaho
LIIIIIIIPPPPPSSSS
FancyShark
@jakesy (unbreaded) WE HAVE LIPS SIGHTED
gellaho
in fairness, there's no way for him to watch Frankenstein here
FancyShark
If that movie was playing, these people would never have learned about the wonders of the Swiss Army knife
Greg
The Stealers bit was killing me but it's all worth it now
jakesy (unbreaded)
Oh shit we have a book
FancyShark
If you can call it a book
jakesy (unbreaded)
Thank you for the summon @FancyShark
FancyShark
Don't thank me yet. This is book 2 of Simon's "comedy" series
Iron Boss GDC
So far it sounds like Hawke is trying really hard to imitate Douglas Adams and/or Terry Pratchett, and not doing a great job of it.
gellaho
Goddamned talking toilet
FancyShark
I'm jealous that @Iron Boss GDC figured out the trick without seeing the first book
jakesy (unbreaded)
Someone’s going to shit in that toilet man
gellaho
Mount the pony
FancyShark
Jesus, Simon
jakesy (unbreaded)
The ol’ baloney pony
gellaho
This toilet sucks
Iron Boss GDC
I'm pretty sure the bit at the beginning where he does a few false starts with cliché openers is lifted directly from a Discworld book.
FancyShark
The woman that spends every moment eyeing his dick basket terrifies him
Metalinside
I hate homophobic appliances
FancyShark
I'm not sure how Pratchett made it work
gellaho
I don't care for these names
FancyShark
Fancy girls? How dare you
gellaho
Goddammit
jakesy (unbreaded)
Juicy Jane huh
FancyShark
uuugggghhhhh
jakesy (unbreaded)
Oh god janes addiction fuck you hawke
FancyShark
These jokes are almost malicious in how bad they suck
gellaho
It's almost like starting a small factory is a waste of time
FancyShark
Is he doing all of this shit just to pay for someone to help find his time machine?
This asshole needs to show them how to make bullets for his weirdly-unmentioned-until-the-end-of-the-last-book gun
gellaho
This is an excerpt from the long description of how to make steel
FancyShark
EEEE-oh, wait. That "steel"
gellaho
The entirely straight, uncomedic explanation
FancyShark
How many of these have there been so far in the book? I had bet on at least five by the end
gellaho
There's been one about developing markets and that one about making steel
Metalinside
I hope in a previous paragraph he's explained what pig iron is
FancyShark
No! Don't give him ideas!
jakesy (unbreaded)
Not even nysteel?
Metalinside
If not, the explanation may need more detail, maybe 2 pages about the different steels?
jakesy (unbreaded)
Regular-ass steel?
FancyShark
Not even Steele
gellaho
Oh, goody, I look forward to this aluminum explanation
Metalinside
Maybe he thought the name pig iron was so hilarious that mage the paragraph funny in itself.
FancyShark
I'd forgotten the walking Irish stereotype
gellaho
Bad guy is just randomly sending dudes throughout time
FancyShark
How does the glass all keep breaking? Are they restocking between each test?
gellaho
It's endless
FancyShark
Um...third base?
Fuck, vaudeville's hard
gellaho
Simon Hawke is attempting levels of meta he cannot control
FancyShark
You don't want to know how an omniscient, incorporeal being happened to focus on you?
gellaho
Far too much
jakesy (unbreaded)
We’re going to get Hitler again arent we
FancyShark
At least the hero is protected by a cocoon of boring narrative
jakesy (unbreaded)
I feel Hitler coming on so strong
It’s inevitable
gellaho
Simon Hawke is getting horned up again
FancyShark
There's a time machine. You're guaranteed at least one Hitler, Lincoln, or caveman per story
gellaho
Mac the Knife is just the coolest, guys
FancyShark
Some writing is timeless
gellaho
Ironically, Simon Hawke has already written the coolest character of all time, Ice
I really do need an anachronistic giant black man
FancyShark
We're at least a full book away from learning how to make black people
Mac's getting a lot of pages for a guy who hasn't left the goddamn tavern he started at
gellaho
Rule of 4s
gellaho
Excuse me, rule of 6s
FancyShark
oh goddammit
gellaho
How strong is this man
FancyShark
Centuries of inbreeding resulted in skulls like wet paper
gellaho
Check another off the list
FancyShark
And so Mac resumes sitting in a tavern until the next time we need him to not advance the plot
gellaho
Some project wordplay
gellaho
Simon Hawke must have bought some kind of metalworking book
Now, I will skim the aluminum making explanation
FancyShark
Gracias
gellaho
Riveting
FancyShark
Tell us everything, Simon. Leave nothing out.
Metalinside
I thought a riveting explanation was coming
gellaho
Now: airplanes
FancyShark
That's three
Two more and my bet is fulfilled
Also, I assume at this point Brewster's fiance has reported his disappearance to the FBI
gellaho
Simon, I get it already. You've said this repeatedly and actually included the Isaac Asimov quote
gellaho
Or the British equivalent
Metalinside
He realized with Terry Pratchett you learn some science while having fun and decided to to do that, but rally really badly
FancyShark
Just to be safe, he's going to say it a few dozen more times
gellaho
Shannon's getting all the lip action
FancyShark
And here we find the spot where even the proofreader fell asleep
gellaho
It has been a while
FancyShark
Ah good. We were running out of voluptuous women to leer at through text
gellaho
"Brewster didn't do anything"
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I had to step away for a while. What a relief to find out I missed exactly nothing.
FancyShark
This entire series could have been avoided if Hawke just watched TLC and the History Channel and occasionally cranked one off
gellaho
At least it's a thing that's happening
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Imagine what terrible book he'd write after a How It's Made marathon.
FancyShark
"You guys want to hear about gum?!"
jakesy (unbreaded)
It’s pretty great that Simon just decided to talk about metallurgy for half a book
gellaho
"We will not check on the childlike scientist for several days"
FancyShark
"I'm sure it's fine. Quit your woman worries."
John, Grand Master of the Arena
"I should probably have something about what's happening back home, but I don't want to think too hard..."
gellaho
Pamela makes some good points
gellaho
Well, obstacle cleared I guess
FancyShark
Dammit, Hawke. Even Dixon puts a chapter break before the letdown
gellaho
I think he forgot he was writing a comedy
FancyShark
Good. Maybe he'll accidentally turn this into an action-thriller
gellaho
Ladies get the lip action
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Why is he telling us how he couldn't get out? Do you think Simon reads by just picking pages at random?
FancyShark
Good question
gellaho
How small is the forklift?
FancyShark
"But I will now regale you with the history and design of forklifts to drive home how this one should not be here."
gellaho
This is turning into Hardy Boys
Complete with the pointless snacks
FancyShark
Oh God. Dixon kidnapped Simon!
gellaho
What? Time machine! This is the first I'm hearing about it
FancyShark
He's only been working on this a few months? That at least answers how he had time to learn everything else
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I think we should give up on this book and just start hoping for something to happen in the next one.
gellaho
Seems legit
FancyShark
Hey, we managed "corrupt 80's CEO" in our fantasy time-travel book!
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Buckyballs are a real thing, for those who don't know.
He even ruined the actually-good line about a jaundiced look
gellaho
"Petals"
FancyShark
Oh goddammit. If there's a Crazy Larry, I am going to be so pissed
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Petals better not mean what I think. Because gross.
FancyShark
I'm sure it does
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Gross
gellaho
These morons have also arrived
FancyShark
They must be incapable of manifesting anywhere except taverns
jakesy (unbreaded)
Where’s the shitter
FancyShark
He's in a different town
gellaho
Shannon angrily rode over to the same bar. She got into a pages-long fight with Mac. She get struck and you'll never guess where
FancyShark
You're right. I would not have guessed there.
gellaho
Seems like a good plan after a ball kick
FancyShark
Bet that felt great with the bruised jaw
gellaho
What an unlikely coincidence
FancyShark
And then they lived happily ever after until Mac died from blood poisoning
Iron Boss GDC
Well, that makes the sex thing way more uncomfortable.
jakesy (unbreaded)
“What are you doing, Step-Assassin?”
FancyShark
Simon crammed an entire backstory into two paragraphs but spent several pages describing how to make iron
jakesy (unbreaded)
Ferrous Buehler’s Day Off
gellaho
Some Simon Hawke backstory
FancyShark
I bet that motorcycle felt like an asshole after it read this
gellaho
Wacky
Greg
I'm catching up and waiting to see how long until you all start chanting for Hitler. "Bring me the Hitler, Hawke! Give the people what they want"
Iron Boss GDC
Seems like magic money would be a lot more valuable than regular money.
FancyShark
Never mind the interesting ideas! More tortured references to pop culture!
gellaho
Getting this story again
FancyShark
Give us the wizard reverse-isekai story, Hawke
gellaho
So many wasted words
John, Grand Master of the Arena
It's the ice cream scene from Rumble in the Bronx.
gellaho
It just keeps going
FancyShark
The bit wants to get up and get going, but it's old and doesn't have the strength to move
jakesy (unbreaded)
The Better Business Guild
HAHAHAHA SO CLEVER
Metalinside
I feel like I'm on a writing room with a very tired Seth MacFarlane
Iron Boss GDC
The weird guild thing is a Discworld bit, too.
gellaho
There were several pages I skipped that were summarized by this paragraph
FancyShark
It's like you said earlier. He's trying for Discworld, but he's doing it very badly
Greg
King Billy?!? What a name for a king now I've heard everything
FancyShark
And there's that weird foreshadowing again
Greg
Gent would fucking love this book
Not sure about Shakes
gellaho
Time for some time travel bits
gellaho
New Mexico and New York, some of Hawke's standard locations
Greg
Pittsburgh is in both places
I'm glad he specified Pennsylvania because I was lost
FancyShark
Just in case you didn't get the joke about the fantasy one
Metalinside
I know that a book should tell you what is happening in the story, but this book is perverting that concept in ways I would have never imagined
gellaho
Tokyo, another one
Do you think that's enough examples?
FancyShark
I bet Hawke doesn't think so
gellaho
Too bad
Greg
I laughed out loud at the need to specify Pennsylvania again
Metalinside
Yeah, BURN ON STAR TREK
gellaho
MORE EXAMPLES
FancyShark
HAHAHA, PROSTITUTES BEING HARRASSED BY POLICE. SO. FUNNY.
gellaho
More lists!
Metalinside
The blond baby means she fucked the Allman brothers?
FancyShark
Or she birthed the antichrist
gellaho
What this needed was another character
FancyShark
Hawke, no. No. Nononononono
Stop introducing characters. Make something happen. MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN
gellaho
Time to explain basketball to a dragon
FancyShark
Burn them, Rory. Burn them all.
Greg
Nothing has happened in two books!
What is this?!?
Metalinside
The travelling joke was there, but he had to ruin it
gellaho
That goes on for two more pages
FancyShark
@Greg , I...I think this might be hell
Greg
It's still better than Victor Milan
jakesy (unbreaded)
Yeah these books are amazing in that absolutely nothing has happened of consequence
gellaho
Simon got horny again
FancyShark
The skill it takes to make multiple books do this is evil
jakesy (unbreaded)
We sure Brooke didn’t ghostwrite this part?
FancyShark
No. I don't know, Simon. Tell us. Tell us, you horny coward.
You stopped the story for this.
YOU FINISH IT.
gellaho
Ah, here it is
FancyShark
Everybody knows that
They don't know how to make metals. They don't know about soap or showers. They don't know what "project" means. But they sure as fuck know that elves drink blood.
gellaho
Murderous unicorns, could you imagine
FancyShark
SO. WACKY.
Rory, not cool
gellaho
Goth elves
FancyShark
I guess Hawke wandered into Hot Topic
gellaho
Could have tried a little on the name
FancyShark
"I am Alice Placeholder"
gellaho
Lesbian goth elf
gellaho
Vegetarian lesbian goth elf
jakesy (unbreaded)
We got a few hundred thousand of those here in LA
gellaho
Thank God, she knows something
FancyShark
Plot? What's this doing here? Throw it away before it stains something.
jakesy (unbreaded)
THE INSURANCE MONEY
FancyShark
Of course!
gellaho
Don't worry, back to the selling the Swiss army knives
Metalinside
What is this madness
FancyShark
Oh thank god. My heart was going too fast.
Metalinside
I'm going to stalk George Lucas and ask for his forgiveness for all the jokes I made about the trade federation
Greg
Oh yes, I have been searching for a good thing. I can sell good things to money people
We must be 90% through this book
FancyShark
Hawke started an open world survival/crafting game and never left the first meadow
gellaho
Pamela is going to build another time machine
It took several pages to get there
FancyShark
I'm glad Pamela assumes he's out there somewhere and didn't, y'know, disintegrate himself
gellaho
And now, more of this
FancyShark
You're going to lecture a character about interrupting the narrative flow, Simon?
gellaho
Goddammit, he did it again
FancyShark
We should be keeping a tally
gellaho
He's taken to just knocking this wizard out
which makes me wonder why he's doing it in the first place
FancyShark
Maybe he's having a nervous breakdown
gellaho
So, these two fucked. Then talk like this for a while
FancyShark
Yeah, no. She made him cry. Ugly cry. He loved it.
gellaho
So they're going to get married. Then Simon Hawke lies about being a prude
FancyShark
lol
gellaho
So now, the characters know what we knew at the end of the last book
FancyShark
Does that mean the book's over?
Wait, what was Mac trying to do? Was he hired to kill someone or was he just wandering?
gellaho
he's supposed to capture the three dudes that found the time machine
that's what assassins do, right?
FancyShark
ohhhh
yeah, totally
gellaho
Boy, oh, boy
FancyShark
You don't get to be cute this far into book 2, Simon
gellaho
A rapid tattoo on a pair of bongos
the fuck does that mean
jakesy (unbreaded)
Hahaha
What@the fuck
FancyShark
...?
????
jakesy (unbreaded)
This is the Dennis Miller chapter
She came over like a rapid tattoo on a pair of bongos at the oingo boingo, babe
FancyShark
She rapped on those cha-chas like Kazagoogoo at Happy Honda Days, beb
gellaho
Oh, good. I was gett turned around by this rapid plot development
gellaho
An honest to god multiple page soap pitch
FancyShark
Did Hawke found WikiHow?
I'm counting that soap pitch as a lecture for my tally
gellaho
Colin is investigating the mystery we already understand
FancyShark
I don't get the purpose of this character. Unless he leads to getting the new time machine built. But Pamela is doing that
gellaho
Simon Hawke is a prude
gellaho
Naked girl escapes the hospital
FancyShark
The important thing is that he could have had sex with the hospitalized girl, but chose not to
gellaho
Naked girl somehow ends up in his car
FancyShark
Hawke's horny is trying to take over his action center
jakesy (unbreaded)
His lap was full of girl huh
gellaho
Quite the adventure
FancyShark
Well, he's destined for prison
gellaho
This is the description I skipped
FancyShark
Dammit, Simon
jakesy (unbreaded)
Hahaha classic
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Has he written one book where he doesn't do that?
jakesy (unbreaded)
“She probably legal, but maybe not huh 🥰😉😉”
FancyShark
I think he avoided the jailbait in Psychodrome 2. Kind of.
gellaho
Here's a list of names planning a revolution at the Stealers Tavern
gellaho
Better late than never
FancyShark
And now they all learn about shampoo?
gellaho
Nah, he took the three with the bounty and Shannon
Not a lot of the supposed main character in this book
FancyShark
lol
Even Hawke isn't sure what to do with him
gellaho
And now: poetry
FancyShark
There's your second tattoo, @jakesy (unbreaded)
gellaho
Some lip action from the main man
And the return of the gun
FancyShark
And the plan to shoot the dragon
gellaho
Coming fast and loose with the lips
FancyShark
"You can thank me, Brewster. With your lips."
gellaho
Hardy har har
FancyShark
haha
I'll allow it
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I love that these people have to know exactly half the English language for so many of these jokes to make sense.
gellaho
All that business setup so that Mac could steal the peddlar's horse
jakesy (unbreaded)
Haha fuck you, peddler!
FancyShark
"Eat shiiiIIIIIIIT!"
gellaho
Mac gets there in time to see the dragon, so the peddlar thing was entirely worthless
FancyShark
Dragon attack, well overdue, has gotten cold on the drive to us
gellaho
Gun time
gellaho
That was easy
FancyShark
And now we learn about tissue damage and orthopedic surgery
gellaho
Guns are magic
FancyShark
They make bad things go away
gellaho
The
gellaho
End. As Simon Hawke outlines all the plots he fails to resolve
FancyShark
Hawke, you utter bastard
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I desperately hope he never wrote the third book
FancyShark
:HellApe:
gellaho
He did
John, Grand Master of the Arena
FUCK
gellaho
It took him about four years, so maybe he put some more work into it
John, Grand Master of the Arena
You know goddamn well he didn't
FancyShark
But there's no fourth book, right?
So something might actually happen in the third?
R-right?
gellaho
The Inadequate Adept has been defeated
gellaho
There is no fourth book
So concludes this edition of The Book Cage
FancyShark
Thanks @gellaho ! That was insane
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Thanks @gellaho
Greg
Great work @gellaho, honestly some if the worst bullshit you've brought us
