We return to the Reluctant Sorcerer series once again with The Inadequate Adept. What new comedic tortures does Simon Hawke have for us this week? Will there be any plot developments? Will I get a brain injury from banging my head on every surface in my home? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
@Brockway Please give this nerd with the sweet wizard mullet a pin please
Ahhhhh I get it, Simon! Inadequate is the opposite of adept
All true wizards have a mullet. It is the source of their power.
Oh, he'll make sure you get it
THE PLOT SICKENS
Kind of looks like it was briefly THE PLOT XICKENS
GET IT?! DO YOU GET IT?!
I got 20 JakesyBuxx that Warrick is defeated by like Peace-o or some shit
I've got 7 FancyCoins on us getting a minimum of five extensive lectures on everyday items
I got 1 MoMoneys on.... shit, I don't have a joke, I just wanted to use that name
30 JBuxx on that person being George RR
“Simon you’re a great drinking buddy but for the love of god don’t blame me for this book “
Muddy's Cafe sounds like it either has awesome comfort food or terrible service
I know it could potentially be both, but that's how it sounds
This is madness
That's the preview for what's happening in an hour
W-we'll be fine. No worries
Pictured: Count Dracula
Oh, Stranger in a Stranger land. Hohoho.
Kill me
hohoho
Oh, dear God
Right out the gate
This...this is going to hurt
You would think even Simon is rolling his eyes at this point. He just wrote a whole book of this shit.
Jesus, how long can this go on for
Simon, we're your friends. Talk to us. What's hurting you?
Wait, no, go back to the pontificating
Oh. This bit again
Yes, this bit
He's committed to this. It's probably going to lead to Warrick controlling the narrative
How does the wizard know what episodes are
A vague scientist. Yes, that's how you describe someone
Don't tempt me, Simon
lol
Hawke really thinks dropping the book name is a sweet bit
Maybe he caught flak for not shilling the first one enough
It's depressing that Simon is spending a second book explaining how confusing his time travel mechanics work rather than just explaining them or ignoring them
Spam jokes! Really trying new ground
He better not talk about ducks and witches
Time for a public shower
Sexist
Did we ever learn why he knows how to make everything except a functional time machine, despite that being his life's work?
I don't know if my bar is just too low now, but "foam of madness" sort of works
This is a great question
Don't fall for it, gellaho. It's a trap.
Then the walking bush tries to get some of that water
Shannon is not obeying the lady rules
Shannon, former child prostitute and Strong Female Character, observes our hero's pruny dick
I thought it was spelled Shanner
Goddammit, I forgot about this
dammit. I'd changed them to Larry, Curly and Moe because that at least seemed closer to a joke
All the horrible memories are flooding back
But wait! There was a dragon! A boring but still very present dragon!
And a talking toilet
Speaking of toilets
sigh
That was pointless, moving on
Explains a lot about the writing process
Thanks, Simon. We guessed
David Niven
Okay, Simon. I'll call your bluff. I'm looking him up.
Star of the original Pink Panther movie, among others
Meanwhile, at the Stealers Tavern, Dire Straits jokes
Dire Straits. Interesting thing to evoke in your painfully unfunny novel, Simon.
And this guy is going off to do... something
If he got shot by a random arrow and died right at the start of his journey, it'd be funnier than anything we've seen in the book so far
Morning Wood jokes
Yet another scene of Shannon drinking in the sight of that dick
Nothing gets me hornier than profit based confusion
His wife never earned a glance from him
Just a reminder
Sorry, fiance
LIIIIIIIPPPPPSSSS
@jakesy (unbreaded) WE HAVE LIPS SIGHTED
in fairness, there's no way for him to watch Frankenstein here
If that movie was playing, these people would never have learned about the wonders of the Swiss Army knife
The Stealers bit was killing me but it's all worth it now
Oh shit we have a book
If you can call it a book
Thank you for the summon @FancyShark
Don't thank me yet. This is book 2 of Simon's "comedy" series
So far it sounds like Hawke is trying really hard to imitate Douglas Adams and/or Terry Pratchett, and not doing a great job of it.
Goddamned talking toilet
I'm jealous that @Iron Boss GDC figured out the trick without seeing the first book
Someone’s going to shit in that toilet man
Mount the pony
Jesus, Simon
The ol’ baloney pony
This toilet sucks
I'm pretty sure the bit at the beginning where he does a few false starts with cliché openers is lifted directly from a Discworld book.
The woman that spends every moment eyeing his dick basket terrifies him
I hate homophobic appliances
I'm not sure how Pratchett made it work
I don't care for these names
Fancy girls? How dare you
Goddammit
Juicy Jane huh
uuugggghhhhh
Oh god janes addiction fuck you hawke
These jokes are almost malicious in how bad they suck
It's almost like starting a small factory is a waste of time
Is he doing all of this shit just to pay for someone to help find his time machine?
This asshole needs to show them how to make bullets for his weirdly-unmentioned-until-the-end-of-the-last-book gun
This is an excerpt from the long description of how to make steel
EEEE-oh, wait. That "steel"
The entirely straight, uncomedic explanation
How many of these have there been so far in the book? I had bet on at least five by the end
There's been one about developing markets and that one about making steel
I hope in a previous paragraph he's explained what pig iron is
No! Don't give him ideas!
Not even nysteel?
If not, the explanation may need more detail, maybe 2 pages about the different steels?
Regular-ass steel?
Not even Steele
Oh, goody, I look forward to this aluminum explanation
Maybe he thought the name pig iron was so hilarious that mage the paragraph funny in itself.
I'd forgotten the walking Irish stereotype
Bad guy is just randomly sending dudes throughout time
How does the glass all keep breaking? Are they restocking between each test?
It's endless
Um...third base?
Fuck, vaudeville's hard
Simon Hawke is attempting levels of meta he cannot control
You don't want to know how an omniscient, incorporeal being happened to focus on you?
Far too much
We’re going to get Hitler again arent we
At least the hero is protected by a cocoon of boring narrative
I feel Hitler coming on so strong
It’s inevitable
Simon Hawke is getting horned up again
There's a time machine. You're guaranteed at least one Hitler, Lincoln, or caveman per story
Mac the Knife is just the coolest, guys
Some writing is timeless
Ironically, Simon Hawke has already written the coolest character of all time, Ice
I really do need an anachronistic giant black man
We're at least a full book away from learning how to make black people
Mac's getting a lot of pages for a guy who hasn't left the goddamn tavern he started at
Rule of 4s
Excuse me, rule of 6s
oh goddammit
How strong is this man
Centuries of inbreeding resulted in skulls like wet paper
Check another off the list
And so Mac resumes sitting in a tavern until the next time we need him to not advance the plot
Some project wordplay
Simon Hawke must have bought some kind of metalworking book
Now, I will skim the aluminum making explanation
Gracias
Riveting
Tell us everything, Simon. Leave nothing out.
I thought a riveting explanation was coming
Now: airplanes
That's three
Two more and my bet is fulfilled
Also, I assume at this point Brewster's fiance has reported his disappearance to the FBI
Simon, I get it already. You've said this repeatedly and actually included the Isaac Asimov quote
Or the British equivalent
He realized with Terry Pratchett you learn some science while having fun and decided to to do that, but rally really badly
Just to be safe, he's going to say it a few dozen more times
Shannon's getting all the lip action
And here we find the spot where even the proofreader fell asleep
It has been a while
Ah good. We were running out of voluptuous women to leer at through text
"Brewster didn't do anything"
I had to step away for a while. What a relief to find out I missed exactly nothing.
This entire series could have been avoided if Hawke just watched TLC and the History Channel and occasionally cranked one off
At least it's a thing that's happening
Imagine what terrible book he'd write after a How It's Made marathon.
"You guys want to hear about gum?!"
It’s pretty great that Simon just decided to talk about metallurgy for half a book
"We will not check on the childlike scientist for several days"
"I'm sure it's fine. Quit your woman worries."
"I should probably have something about what's happening back home, but I don't want to think too hard..."
Pamela makes some good points
Well, obstacle cleared I guess
Dammit, Hawke. Even Dixon puts a chapter break before the letdown
I think he forgot he was writing a comedy
Good. Maybe he'll accidentally turn this into an action-thriller
Ladies get the lip action
Why is he telling us how he couldn't get out? Do you think Simon reads by just picking pages at random?
Good question
How small is the forklift?
"But I will now regale you with the history and design of forklifts to drive home how this one should not be here."
This is turning into Hardy Boys
Complete with the pointless snacks
Oh God. Dixon kidnapped Simon!
What? Time machine! This is the first I'm hearing about it
He's only been working on this a few months? That at least answers how he had time to learn everything else
I think we should give up on this book and just start hoping for something to happen in the next one.
Seems legit
Hey, we managed "corrupt 80's CEO" in our fantasy time-travel book!
Buckyballs are a real thing, for those who don't know.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buckminsterfullerene
Buckminsterfullerene
Buckminsterfullerene
That random peddlar has arrived
Hitler inches ever closer
Zing
lol, street orphans
He remembered this is a comedy
curses
Oh, mutilation and liver failure are so funny
He even ruined the actually-good line about a jaundiced look
"Petals"
Oh goddammit. If there's a Crazy Larry, I am going to be so pissed
Petals better not mean what I think. Because gross.
I'm sure it does
Gross
These morons have also arrived
They must be incapable of manifesting anywhere except taverns
Where’s the shitter
He's in a different town
Shannon angrily rode over to the same bar. She got into a pages-long fight with Mac. She get struck and you'll never guess where
You're right. I would not have guessed there.
Seems like a good plan after a ball kick
Bet that felt great with the bruised jaw
What an unlikely coincidence
And then they lived happily ever after until Mac died from blood poisoning
Well, that makes the sex thing way more uncomfortable.
“What are you doing, Step-Assassin?”
Simon crammed an entire backstory into two paragraphs but spent several pages describing how to make iron
Ferrous Buehler’s Day Off
Some Simon Hawke backstory
I bet that motorcycle felt like an asshole after it read this
Wacky
I'm catching up and waiting to see how long until you all start chanting for Hitler. "Bring me the Hitler, Hawke! Give the people what they want"
Seems like magic money would be a lot more valuable than regular money.
Never mind the interesting ideas! More tortured references to pop culture!
Getting this story again
Give us the wizard reverse-isekai story, Hawke
So many wasted words
It's the ice cream scene from Rumble in the Bronx.
It just keeps going
The bit wants to get up and get going, but it's old and doesn't have the strength to move
The Better Business Guild
HAHAHAHA SO CLEVER
I feel like I'm on a writing room with a very tired Seth MacFarlane
The weird guild thing is a Discworld bit, too.
There were several pages I skipped that were summarized by this paragraph
It's like you said earlier. He's trying for Discworld, but he's doing it very badly
King Billy?!? What a name for a king now I've heard everything
And there's that weird foreshadowing again
Gent would fucking love this book
Not sure about Shakes
Time for some time travel bits
New Mexico and New York, some of Hawke's standard locations
Pittsburgh is in both places
I'm glad he specified Pennsylvania because I was lost
Just in case you didn't get the joke about the fantasy one
I know that a book should tell you what is happening in the story, but this book is perverting that concept in ways I would have never imagined
Tokyo, another one
Do you think that's enough examples?
I bet Hawke doesn't think so
Too bad
I laughed out loud at the need to specify Pennsylvania again
Yeah, BURN ON STAR TREK
MORE EXAMPLES
HAHAHA, PROSTITUTES BEING HARRASSED BY POLICE. SO. FUNNY.
More lists!
The blond baby means she fucked the Allman brothers?
Or she birthed the antichrist
What this needed was another character
Hawke, no. No. Nononononono
Stop introducing characters. Make something happen. MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN
Time to explain basketball to a dragon
Burn them, Rory. Burn them all.
Nothing has happened in two books!
What is this?!?
The travelling joke was there, but he had to ruin it
That goes on for two more pages
@Greg , I...I think this might be hell
It's still better than Victor Milan
Yeah these books are amazing in that absolutely nothing has happened of consequence
Simon got horny again
The skill it takes to make multiple books do this is evil
We sure Brooke didn’t ghostwrite this part?
No. I don't know, Simon. Tell us. Tell us, you horny coward.
You stopped the story for this.
YOU FINISH IT.