34: The Inadequate Adept Simon Hawke

gellaho

Ah, here it is

FancyShark

Everybody knows that

They don't know how to make metals. They don't know about soap or showers. They don't know what "project" means. But they sure as fuck know that elves drink blood.

gellaho

Murderous unicorns, could you imagine

FancyShark

SO. WACKY.

Rory, not cool

gellaho

Goth elves

FancyShark

I guess Hawke wandered into Hot Topic

gellaho

Could have tried a little on the name

FancyShark

"I am Alice Placeholder"

gellaho

Lesbian goth elf

gellaho

Vegetarian lesbian goth elf

jakesy (unbreaded)

We got a few hundred thousand of those here in LA

gellaho

Thank God, she knows something

FancyShark

Plot? What's this doing here? Throw it away before it stains something.

jakesy (unbreaded)

THE INSURANCE MONEY

FancyShark

Of course!

gellaho

Don't worry, back to the selling the Swiss army knives

Metalinside

What is this madness

FancyShark

Oh thank god. My heart was going too fast.

Metalinside

I'm going to stalk George Lucas and ask for his forgiveness for all the jokes I made about the trade federation

Greg

Oh yes, I have been searching for a good thing. I can sell good things to money people

We must be 90% through this book

FancyShark

Hawke started an open world survival/crafting game and never left the first meadow

gellaho

Pamela is going to build another time machine

It took several pages to get there

FancyShark

I'm glad Pamela assumes he's out there somewhere and didn't, y'know, disintegrate himself

gellaho

And now, more of this

FancyShark

You're going to lecture a character about interrupting the narrative flow, Simon?

gellaho

Goddammit, he did it again

FancyShark

We should be keeping a tally

gellaho

He's taken to just knocking this wizard out

which makes me wonder why he's doing it in the first place

FancyShark

Maybe he's having a nervous breakdown

gellaho

So, these two fucked. Then talk like this for a while

FancyShark

Yeah, no. She made him cry. Ugly cry. He loved it.

gellaho

So they're going to get married. Then Simon Hawke lies about being a prude

FancyShark

lol

gellaho

So now, the characters know what we knew at the end of the last book

FancyShark

Does that mean the book's over?

Wait, what was Mac trying to do? Was he hired to kill someone or was he just wandering?

gellaho

he's supposed to capture the three dudes that found the time machine

that's what assassins do, right?

FancyShark

ohhhh

yeah, totally

gellaho

Boy, oh, boy

FancyShark

You don't get to be cute this far into book 2, Simon

gellaho

A rapid tattoo on a pair of bongos

the fuck does that mean

jakesy (unbreaded)

Hahaha

What@the fuck

FancyShark

...?

????

jakesy (unbreaded)

This is the Dennis Miller chapter

She came over like a rapid tattoo on a pair of bongos at the oingo boingo, babe

FancyShark

She rapped on those cha-chas like Kazagoogoo at Happy Honda Days, beb

gellaho

Oh, good. I was gett turned around by this rapid plot development

gellaho

An honest to god multiple page soap pitch

FancyShark

Did Hawke found WikiHow?

I'm counting that soap pitch as a lecture for my tally

gellaho

Colin is investigating the mystery we already understand

FancyShark

I don't get the purpose of this character. Unless he leads to getting the new time machine built. But Pamela is doing that

gellaho

Simon Hawke is a prude

gellaho

Naked girl escapes the hospital

FancyShark

The important thing is that he could have had sex with the hospitalized girl, but chose not to

gellaho

Naked girl somehow ends up in his car

FancyShark

Hawke's horny is trying to take over his action center

jakesy (unbreaded)

His lap was full of girl huh

gellaho

Quite the adventure

FancyShark

Well, he's destined for prison

gellaho

This is the description I skipped

FancyShark

Dammit, Simon

jakesy (unbreaded)

Hahaha classic

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Has he written one book where he doesn't do that?

jakesy (unbreaded)

“She probably legal, but maybe not huh 🥰😉😉”

FancyShark

I think he avoided the jailbait in Psychodrome 2. Kind of.

gellaho

Here's a list of names planning a revolution at the Stealers Tavern

gellaho

Better late than never

FancyShark

And now they all learn about shampoo?

gellaho

Nah, he took the three with the bounty and Shannon

Not a lot of the supposed main character in this book

FancyShark

lol

Even Hawke isn't sure what to do with him

gellaho

And now: poetry

FancyShark

There's your second tattoo, @jakesy (unbreaded)

gellaho

Some lip action from the main man

And the return of the gun

FancyShark

And the plan to shoot the dragon

gellaho

Coming fast and loose with the lips

FancyShark

"You can thank me, Brewster. With your lips."

gellaho

Hardy har har

FancyShark

haha

I'll allow it

John, Grand Master of the Arena

I love that these people have to know exactly half the English language for so many of these jokes to make sense.

gellaho

All that business setup so that Mac could steal the peddlar's horse

jakesy (unbreaded)

Haha fuck you, peddler!

FancyShark

"Eat shiiiIIIIIIIT!"

gellaho

Mac gets there in time to see the dragon, so the peddlar thing was entirely worthless

FancyShark

Dragon attack, well overdue, has gotten cold on the drive to us

gellaho

Gun time

gellaho

That was easy

FancyShark

And now we learn about tissue damage and orthopedic surgery

gellaho

Guns are magic

FancyShark

They make bad things go away

gellaho

The

gellaho

End. As Simon Hawke outlines all the plots he fails to resolve

FancyShark

Hawke, you utter bastard

John, Grand Master of the Arena

I desperately hope he never wrote the third book

FancyShark

:HellApe:

gellaho

He did

John, Grand Master of the Arena

FUCK

gellaho

It took him about four years, so maybe he put some more work into it

John, Grand Master of the Arena

You know goddamn well he didn't

FancyShark

But there's no fourth book, right?

So something might actually happen in the third?

R-right?

gellaho

The Inadequate Adept has been defeated

gellaho

There is no fourth book

So concludes this edition of The Book Cage

FancyShark

Thanks @gellaho ! That was insane

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Thanks @gellaho

Greg

Great work @gellaho, honestly some if the worst bullshit you've brought us