18: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #93: Mission: Mayhem Franklin W. Dixon

gellaho

It's time for another Hardy Boys Casefiles Cooldown. The theme for this week is the word "mayhem." Vote Now

🌉 #6 The Crowning Terror

🐶 #69 (nice) Mayhem in Motion

🚀 #93 Mission: Mayhem

Rumhole Surfer

Mission Mayhem seems like a cross of the Homer goes to space ep of The Simpsons plus all the Atlasphere rounds of American Gladiators.

FancyShark

I know they won't actually be torn apart by dogs, but it's too tempting to not choose it

GDCommando!

I really want to see Joe Hardy get mauled by a German Shepherd in front of a My Pet Monster poster.

hot beige jakesy

Unbiased opinion: Mission Mayhem

GDCommando!

And hopefully that computer blows up in their face, as they do in the Hardy Boys universe.

gellaho

If you look at that dog, you'll discover it has no eyes

FancyShark

Aww, it's laughing

gellaho

Or it's sneezing on Frank

The artists behind these covers are unheralded geniuses

gellaho

FancyShark

Joe is into it

hot beige jakesy

Say what you want about the writing, the art is spot on

dr

I like how mission mayhem doesn't appear to be depicting any actual danger

gellaho

Thanks Brian!

dr

He's correctly secured to a training apparatus

gellaho

Listen, he's going to be very dizzy. Suspense!

FancyShark

Hmm, you guys are making a very good argument for mission mayhem

dr

GDCommando!

Mission mayhem is about making Andy Samberg throw up in a NASA gyroscope.

gellaho

I had to pull off a lot of stickers to get to that face

@hot beige jakesy is obviously a big fan

hot beige jakesy

Always have been

gellaho

The people have spoken. It's a countdown to catastrophe in The Hardy Boys: Casefiles (tm): Mission: Mayhem. Will Joe kill Frank with a training apparatus children can use? Find out this Friday 5pm Eastern.

gellaho

hot beige jakesy

I can't wait to see what they think the cutting edge of space technology is

gellaho

@Brockway you know that I want some of that sweet pin action

(please)

Next time there will be no vote, I'm reading Mayhem in Motion because it has such a great synopsis

FancyShark

We've hit upon a fantastic breakthrough: the rocket should point up

Greg

Crowning Terror also has promise

I can't imagine how poorly they pull off spy intrigue

Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone

this is completely unfair, you're asking me to choose between a dog and space

I can't just abandon a good boy BUT nor can I ignore a jetpack

so instead I'll vote for what appears to be the Hardy boys plummeting towards their imminent demise because that trumps everything else

gellaho

It's one hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #93: Mission Mayhem. Here's the preview

gellaho

I've got a new phone, so this should be good

FancyShark

Is this going to be @hot beige jakesy 's origin story?

hot beige jakesy

This is the first half of how my brain got this fucked up

The second half is beer

The third half is concussions

GDCommando!

Okay, gotta go pour some whiskey so I can get mad at an imaginary teenager.

gellaho

Time to begin

gellaho

Frank has already had enough of Joe's shit

hot beige jakesy

FancyShark

I hope Frank shushes Joe when he's screaming about danger later

Mr. J Boots

"god damn it Joe be cool"

gellaho

You don't say, Joe

FancyShark

Yeah, you're not ready for a woman your age at that age

GDCommando!

Joe's harrassment sense is tingling.

Mr. J Boots

Its weird how many pretty, age appropriate young women they meet doing these jobs

gellaho

It's going really well

FancyShark

"Does shuttle commander need a time out?" "HE STARTED IT!"

hot beige jakesy

I bet Joe thinks the thrust looks real good if you know what I mean

GDCommando!

Very professional, these guys.

Mr. J Boots

How did the commander get this job?

FancyShark

Nepotism

gellaho

The fact that none of these other people have names makes me think Joe forgot them

GDCommando!

Oh, the woman is going to be the daughter of someone important, isn't she?

Is that on the bingo cards?

FancyShark

It better be

hot beige jakesy

Blonde is moaning and thrusting though

FancyShark

I could be wrong, but does NASA have a reputation for rage-quitting?

GDCommando!

Oh, it's a simulation. Tension deleted!

Mr. J Boots

I don't like the use of the word moaned. Feels like not the word you'd use

hot beige jakesy

Think ol' Frank Dixon was doing no nut November when he wrote this

Mr. J Boots

But they did and that troubles me

Wait was this being a training thing meant to be a twist?

FancyShark

"It's nice to see you," she squirted

gellaho

Note that it doesn't say anything about older kids

gellaho

The Hardys are the oldest here

Mr. J Boots

Like wouldn't yelled, shrieked, screamed, or called all work better?

Mr. J Boots

Anyone remember the movie space camp?

Children Love The Jetski Kid

All Hardy adventures are just Shutter Island missions dad arranged.

FancyShark

Come to NASA and watch our technicians lose their shit!

gellaho

Chekov's training apparatus

FancyShark

So the commander threw a fit at tourists pretending to be on his crew?

gellaho

Yes, after a week's training

Mr. J Boots

One boy is dead, and the father is trying not to lose the other one

FancyShark

It only takes a week to be an astronaut? Man, suck it Neil Armstrong

gellaho

Make sure the Hardys are taller than the instructor. That'll be funny

FancyShark

Swaim?!

Oh...damn

gellaho

I hope this girl is ready to be harassed by one Joe Hardy

FancyShark

Miss Gal Looski

gellaho

Frank, you dweeb

Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone

the hardy boys are 6ft tall? how old are they supposed to be?

FancyShark

Joe is 17. I think Frank is 18?

gellaho

I believe that is correct

This girl has made the mistake of engaging with Joe Hardy

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Does it seem wrong to anyone else that these near-adults are going to space camp? That seems like a 12 or 13-year-old thing.

FancyShark

They were probably held back a few years

Children Love The Jetski Kid

I forget which one is the misanthrope and which is the misogynist, but I think they're both going to seal new versions of their destinies at Nazi.

gellaho

Target acquired

gellaho

Joe is technically the Mysoginist, but is also the worst

FancyShark

"Hi Alice! Did they rebuild the Museum of Science and Industry after WE BLEW IT UP?"

John, Grand Master of the Arena

“Mr. Hardy both your sons have severe brain damage due to numerous concussions from...<checks notes> cosplaying as detecti...holy shit really? You're a terrible father. Anyway, the good news is they are the oldest 4th graders in history. “

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Joe doesn't need stupid nerd numbers. He'll get to space by headbutting the ground.

gellaho

Oh, good there's some rich kid with a personal assistant

Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone

he'll get to space in true hardy boy fashion: by riding the blast wave of the next explosion

gellaho

You know, that thing that happens at space academy

Children Love The Jetski Kid

This rich kid needs no introduction..."Holy mackerel, you're Joey Corey, the famous network sitcom star!" said Frank.

gellaho

The Hardy Boys don't own a TV

FancyShark

"I'll have you know my father bought space. Like, all of it"

gellaho

They are intensely aware of Rapster Randy Rand, but not TV

Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone

what the fuck you were right!

Children Love The Jetski Kid

I FUCKING TOLD YOU

FancyShark

Family Troubles was renamed to Family Matters after the controversial dogfight episode

gellaho

This training is definitely going to help him prepare

Children Love The Jetski Kid

I interviewed one of the Step by Step kids for an hour. She was nice.

I would go to space with her.

gellaho

I hear Harrison Ford did intense Space Academy training for Star Wars

John, Grand Master of the Arena

He'd have to. How else could he know how to pilot the Falcon unless he watched someone in a centrifuge?

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Greg tactfully doesn't mention he's getting paid $2k / day to go to space camp--"ACADEMY!" shrieked Frank, the vein in his forehead visibly pulsing.

gellaho

Joe hates women and Frank doesn't understand human emotion

FancyShark

"A family marooned on a starship that went off course? So they're lost in-" "It's called Mutiny on the Derelict Spaceship"

John, Grand Master of the Arena

“Frank why is the dishwasher talking?”

FancyShark

Maria spent the rest of the day hating penises

gellaho

Joe and actor boy bond over their shared misogyny

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Maria is absolutely going to get her Bianca moment when she realizes Frank's concussed noggin, thickened into a leather-upholstered block of wood makes him immune to up to 5Gs

GDCommando!

I like how she uses part of the name of the series to insult the main characters of the series.

FancyShark

"Frank, hold these exposed wires. For space"

Children Love The Jetski Kid

"I knew you were a BOY. I didn't know you were so...HARDY."

Children Love The Jetski Kid

"Close your eyes, Joe. Is it me, or Maria you feel?"

gellaho

"As the author, I wanted the reader to fully understand how dumb Joe is"

FancyShark

You're never in school, Joe. How hard could it be?

hot beige jakesy

Being an astronaut is mostly memorizing Space Facts™️ right?

FancyShark

"Space is huge. Joe, are you writing this down?"

gellaho

"Hey kids, does this smell like poison? It should!"

John, Grand Master of the Arena

“Remind me again, Frank. Oxygen is good in space, right.” I'm calling it. Joe remembering an obvious Space Fact (tm) will save the day.

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Harold is the killer.

FancyShark

I want Greg to pop up and explain things to Joe every time now

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Personal assistants should never know that much inorganic chemistry.

gellaho

And now: fire

hot beige jakesy

At best they should be proficient in stoichiometry

FancyShark

But he's frail and sickly. How could such a person dare threaten the tall, athletic Hardy Boys?

hot beige jakesy

Oh Joe got a flaming bag of shit on his doorstep, book it

Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone

holy shit someone's already trying to kill them? have they even twigged to a mystery yet?

FancyShark

Joe has that effect on people

gellaho

Let it be known that Frank is also a moron

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Zach Snyder films taught me all physically inferior people are villains because they are jealous of the producers who are born naturally gifted.

gellaho

Almost nothing of consequence has happened yet. Still, the Hardys must burn

hot beige jakesy

I mean I get the logic, they do suck ass

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Maria is our Ripley. She knows if you give the Hardy Boys a moment, it will be too late for you

FancyShark

Greg is already better at survival than the heroes

gellaho

"That fire was weird."

gellaho

They have been beset by fire so many times that they have normal and irregular fires

FancyShark

"Gee whiz, burning to death sure is wacky!"

Oh shit, Joe's a 9/11 truther

Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone

how many explosions have they survived? immolation must seem pretty blase

gellaho

Child publicist Harold

gellaho

I've literally lost count because the last book had so many computers exploding

FancyShark

Harold then paused to adjust his kneepads

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Harold staged the fires to make Greg look good but also Harold is jealous and will kill Greg.

GDCommando!

"The Hardy boys, for example, were completely useless."

hot beige jakesy

Golly gee, hydrogen tectroxide can't melt steel beams!

gellaho

ALL ADULTS MUST BE SHORTER THAN THE HARDYS

FancyShark

Corduroy: the mark of a coward

Children Love The Jetski Kid

In the '80s you had to be a real slab of beef to crest the "Women consider this tall" horizon.

hot beige jakesy

Bet that corduroy jacket has elbow patches

Like a true pussy

gellaho

Must be hard coming up with names 93 books in

gellaho

"You don't know who we are? We were at the Grammys with the biggest rapper on the planet"

FancyShark

"Who the hell puts out a whole fire with a fire extinguisher by themselves?"

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Joe and Frank should be twice as famous as Greg.

FancyShark

And in prison, since there was no way they weren't on security footage when the Museum of Science and Industry blew up

gellaho

"Steve swore he would kill that girl."

Mr. J Boots

So is the hardy boys world some kind of Logan's Run bullshit where you get killed at 30?

gellaho

Joe, military time had to come up in the 92 books before this one

Mr. J Boots

Is that what happened to their mother?

John, Grand Master of the Arena

I bet Frank has not-at-all problematic thoughts about mansplaining.

FancyShark

Joe probably just thinks it's Woman for something else

Children Love The Jetski Kid

"Maria, having studied hard and worked two jobs to realize her dream of joining the .01%, was out of her typical womanly patience for the ignorant, casual tourists around her."

FancyShark

"And they were right to hate her"

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Menudo rules. At 21 you're replaced by a younger Hardy.

gellaho

Die

FancyShark

I guarantee they're wiping their dicks on it as a "bonus" to you, Greg

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Greg is definitely living in the bubble of fame.

Mr. J Boots

This reminds me of something funny that happened to me recently but I'll elaborate in general

gellaho

Greg attempts to kill Joe: part the first

hot beige jakesy

“Phone Bill about 2 Gs flat/no need to worry my accountant handles that”

gellaho

Part the second

FancyShark

"Also Joe, ignore the targeting sight that's focusing on you"

I disagree. I'm laughing

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Did we skip the part where someone has a motive to kill Joe, other than being his usual sel...never mind.

gellaho

:BB: :OOO: :OO:

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Is that a Randy Rand line?

Mr. J Boots

Its almost good enough to be

hot beige jakesy

Biggie Smalls, the Randy Rand of our time

gellaho

That does sound like a Randy Rand and the Power Brokers joint

John, Grand Master of the Arena

If they're pulling even 2 G's, that guy is holding nearly 400 pounds with one hand.

hot beige jakesy

https://youtu.be/7Y8VPQcPHhY

gellaho

Stop being such a baby, kid

Children Love The Jetski Kid

He switched places with Greg, who was about to be killed by the parasite Harold.

FancyShark

Joe, we had a guy get scissored in half by this contraption last week and he didn't say a word

hot beige jakesy

Not to derail the book reading but the lyrics to Juicy are unreal

gellaho

"Seriously, how do you not know who we are."

Children Love The Jetski Kid

You can hate my guts because I know everyone loves his flow, but a double blind test proves I think BIG's rhyme selection is about the same as Randy Rand.

gellaho

This train don't stop

hot beige jakesy

FancyShark

Goddammit, Greg's doing meta

gellaho

gellaho

Frank is stroking out

FancyShark

"Because I really want to eat all the burned furniture"

Mr. J Boots

Never seen someone be such a pussy about almost dying before

gellaho

Detective Walsh with the thin smile

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Joe's only schtick is being relentlessly gung-ho, and a shorter guy with NASA credentials just told him he's all scrotum and no balls. I feel so sorry for the walls in his apartment tonight.

Mr. J Boots

His partner, detective Frank "donut hog" McElroy smiled fatly

Mr. J Boots

That drywall is definitely getting some scuffs and maybe a mild dent in it tonight

gellaho

Also everything is metal, so duh

FancyShark

"I have every reason to think you deduced this instead of thinking you caused it"

Mr. J Boots

That is typically how arson works yes

gellaho

Might want to improve the harness if a small piece of cloth can prevent it from working

gellaho

Flight suits are so hot right now

GDCommando!

Is there actually any plausible way this could not be arson?

FancyShark

Spontaneous Human Combustion. So, no

gellaho

Masters of deduction

FancyShark

"I've got it! It was Maria!"

gellaho

Thanks, book

FancyShark

I hope Swain has at least one family member named Cock

gellaho

FancyShark

Jesus

And he still has a job?

Mr. J Boots

They have an, arrangement with Swain

GDCommando!

This isn't a real tightly run ship, we're seeing here.

gellaho

Indeed

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Is Frank defending Swain to get instructors to dish on Swain? A little reverse misanthropy?

gellaho

He's trying to sweet talk the 20 year old

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Swain is short. ARREST HIS jEALoUS aSs!

GDCommando!

Joe doesn't see anything wrong with punching holes in drywall.

gellaho

Who, being two years older, is qualified to be an instructor and not allowed to be in the program

FancyShark

"Mr. Swain, the evidence is all circumstantial, but given your height I'm seeking the death penalty"

gellaho

Which isn't weird at all

Mr. J Boots

"he told them it was just minor strain on his heart from lugging his plus sized hog around"

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Swain and Joe bond over who sublimates their rage in ways that create the most problems for them.

gellaho

Lol

FancyShark

That is the correct way to watch Speed

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Swain is Ben Shapiro, you all know it.

gellaho

Goddammit

gellaho

That's not Keanu

FancyShark

:BB: :OOO: :OO:

gellaho

Joe found Speed really draining

Children Love The Jetski Kid

*Speed 1799 *is the shittiest in the franchise

FancyShark

Worse than Speed 2?

gellaho

Swain thinks this is boot camp

Children Love The Jetski Kid

"If yon velocipede ventures in speeds in excess of twenty-two wagon-wheels each turn of the hourglass, surely the signal shall be sent to the munitions man to light the cannonade."

FancyShark

Greg has asthma?

gellaho

Greg needs this for his role

gellaho

He's willing to die for his art

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Greg is a cruelly beautiful film star but cannot do fifty pushups

FancyShark

A true artist. Dying to start in a knock-off of Lost In Space

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Greg's as white as a Shapiro.

Inhalers are real, though.

gellaho

Classic Hardy Boys

Children Love The Jetski Kid

Hey, self-repairing asthmatic!

Or or or unkillable vampire?

FancyShark

Better stab his heart with a stake either way, just to be safe

Also, Joe, you couldn't have bothered learning CPR by this point?

gellaho

If this girl attempts to kill Greg for this fake space assignment

Children Love The Jetski Kid

You don't need CPR when you can punch the heart back into action if it knows what's good for it.

"Yeah, I know CPR, dweeb," said Joe, "Cardio...uh...punch...YOU moan airily...um...RESUSCITATION," he finished, with a satisified smile.

FancyShark

Brilliant, determined, responsible and contempt for the Hardy Boys. I think I might be falling for Maria

gellaho

The colonel has no reaction to multiple teens having flown before

FancyShark

"Women flying planes?!"

Children Love The Jetski Kid

What Polish girl spurned Frank Dixon's advances in high school?

Is there a Joseph Dixon somewhere doing an Ann Landers/Dear Abby competing series?

gellaho

Somebody really wants this actor kid dead

gellaho

FancyShark

His model skull that he carries for comfort!

gellaho

Rock solid excuse

Squat-Style Adrienne

Bold of a photog to use his own camera as a murder weapon

FancyShark

"I was trying to get an overhead shot lined up in case of celebrity nip-slips!"

gellaho

"Kid, this guy that almost murdered you is your responsibility"