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gellaho
It's time for another Hardy Boys Casefiles Cooldown. The theme for this week is the word "mayhem." Vote Now
🌉 #6 The Crowning Terror
🐶 #69 (nice) Mayhem in Motion
🚀 #93 Mission: Mayhem
Rumhole Surfer
Mission Mayhem seems like a cross of the Homer goes to space ep of The Simpsons plus all the Atlasphere rounds of American Gladiators.
FancyShark
I know they won't actually be torn apart by dogs, but it's too tempting to not choose it
GDCommando!
I really want to see Joe Hardy get mauled by a German Shepherd in front of a My Pet Monster poster.
hot beige jakesy
Unbiased opinion: Mission Mayhem
GDCommando!
And hopefully that computer blows up in their face, as they do in the Hardy Boys universe.
gellaho
If you look at that dog, you'll discover it has no eyes
FancyShark
Aww, it's laughing
gellaho
Or it's sneezing on Frank
The artists behind these covers are unheralded geniuses
gellaho
FancyShark
Joe is into it
hot beige jakesy
Say what you want about the writing, the art is spot on
dr
I like how mission mayhem doesn't appear to be depicting any actual danger
gellaho
Thanks Brian!
dr
He's correctly secured to a training apparatus
gellaho
Listen, he's going to be very dizzy. Suspense!
FancyShark
Hmm, you guys are making a very good argument for mission mayhem
dr
GDCommando!
Mission mayhem is about making Andy Samberg throw up in a NASA gyroscope.
gellaho
I had to pull off a lot of stickers to get to that face
@hot beige jakesy is obviously a big fan
hot beige jakesy
Always have been
gellaho
The people have spoken. It's a countdown to catastrophe in The Hardy Boys: Casefiles (tm): Mission: Mayhem. Will Joe kill Frank with a training apparatus children can use? Find out this Friday 5pm Eastern.
gellaho
hot beige jakesy
I can't wait to see what they think the cutting edge of space technology is
gellaho
@Brockway you know that I want some of that sweet pin action
(please)
Next time there will be no vote, I'm reading Mayhem in Motion because it has such a great synopsis
FancyShark
We've hit upon a fantastic breakthrough: the rocket should point up
Greg
Crowning Terror also has promise
I can't imagine how poorly they pull off spy intrigue
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
this is completely unfair, you're asking me to choose between a dog and space
I can't just abandon a good boy BUT nor can I ignore a jetpack
so instead I'll vote for what appears to be the Hardy boys plummeting towards their imminent demise because that trumps everything else
gellaho
It's one hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #93: Mission Mayhem. Here's the preview
gellaho
I've got a new phone, so this should be good
FancyShark
Is this going to be @hot beige jakesy 's origin story?
hot beige jakesy
This is the first half of how my brain got this fucked up
The second half is beer
The third half is concussions
GDCommando!
Okay, gotta go pour some whiskey so I can get mad at an imaginary teenager.
gellaho
Time to begin
gellaho
Frank has already had enough of Joe's shit
hot beige jakesy
FancyShark
I hope Frank shushes Joe when he's screaming about danger later
Mr. J Boots
"god damn it Joe be cool"
gellaho
You don't say, Joe
FancyShark
Yeah, you're not ready for a woman your age at that age
GDCommando!
Joe's harrassment sense is tingling.
Mr. J Boots
Its weird how many pretty, age appropriate young women they meet doing these jobs
gellaho
It's going really well
FancyShark
"Does shuttle commander need a time out?" "HE STARTED IT!"
hot beige jakesy
I bet Joe thinks the thrust looks real good if you know what I mean
GDCommando!
Very professional, these guys.
Mr. J Boots
How did the commander get this job?
FancyShark
Nepotism
gellaho
The fact that none of these other people have names makes me think Joe forgot them
GDCommando!
Oh, the woman is going to be the daughter of someone important, isn't she?
Is that on the bingo cards?
FancyShark
It better be
hot beige jakesy
Blonde is moaning and thrusting though
FancyShark
I could be wrong, but does NASA have a reputation for rage-quitting?
GDCommando!
Oh, it's a simulation. Tension deleted!
Mr. J Boots
I don't like the use of the word moaned. Feels like not the word you'd use
hot beige jakesy
Think ol' Frank Dixon was doing no nut November when he wrote this
Mr. J Boots
But they did and that troubles me
Wait was this being a training thing meant to be a twist?
FancyShark
"It's nice to see you," she squirted
gellaho
Note that it doesn't say anything about older kids
gellaho
The Hardys are the oldest here
Mr. J Boots
Like wouldn't yelled, shrieked, screamed, or called all work better?
Mr. J Boots
Anyone remember the movie space camp?
Children Love The Jetski Kid
All Hardy adventures are just Shutter Island missions dad arranged.
FancyShark
Come to NASA and watch our technicians lose their shit!
gellaho
Chekov's training apparatus
FancyShark
So the commander threw a fit at tourists pretending to be on his crew?
gellaho
Yes, after a week's training
Mr. J Boots
One boy is dead, and the father is trying not to lose the other one
FancyShark
It only takes a week to be an astronaut? Man, suck it Neil Armstrong
gellaho
Make sure the Hardys are taller than the instructor. That'll be funny
FancyShark
Swaim?!
Oh...damn
gellaho
I hope this girl is ready to be harassed by one Joe Hardy
FancyShark
Miss Gal Looski
gellaho
Frank, you dweeb
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
the hardy boys are 6ft tall? how old are they supposed to be?
FancyShark
Joe is 17. I think Frank is 18?
gellaho
I believe that is correct
This girl has made the mistake of engaging with Joe Hardy
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Does it seem wrong to anyone else that these near-adults are going to space camp? That seems like a 12 or 13-year-old thing.
FancyShark
They were probably held back a few years
Children Love The Jetski Kid
I forget which one is the misanthrope and which is the misogynist, but I think they're both going to seal new versions of their destinies at Nazi.
gellaho
Target acquired
gellaho
Joe is technically the Mysoginist, but is also the worst
FancyShark
"Hi Alice! Did they rebuild the Museum of Science and Industry after WE BLEW IT UP?"
John, Grand Master of the Arena
“Mr. Hardy both your sons have severe brain damage due to numerous concussions from...<checks notes> cosplaying as detecti...holy shit really? You're a terrible father. Anyway, the good news is they are the oldest 4th graders in history. “
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Joe doesn't need stupid nerd numbers. He'll get to space by headbutting the ground.
gellaho
Oh, good there's some rich kid with a personal assistant
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
he'll get to space in true hardy boy fashion: by riding the blast wave of the next explosion
gellaho
You know, that thing that happens at space academy
Children Love The Jetski Kid
This rich kid needs no introduction..."Holy mackerel, you're Joey Corey, the famous network sitcom star!" said Frank.
gellaho
The Hardy Boys don't own a TV
FancyShark
"I'll have you know my father bought space. Like, all of it"
gellaho
They are intensely aware of Rapster Randy Rand, but not TV
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
what the fuck you were right!
Children Love The Jetski Kid
I FUCKING TOLD YOU
FancyShark
Family Troubles was renamed to Family Matters after the controversial dogfight episode
gellaho
This training is definitely going to help him prepare
Children Love The Jetski Kid
I interviewed one of the Step by Step kids for an hour. She was nice.
I would go to space with her.
gellaho
I hear Harrison Ford did intense Space Academy training for Star Wars
John, Grand Master of the Arena
He'd have to. How else could he know how to pilot the Falcon unless he watched someone in a centrifuge?
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Greg tactfully doesn't mention he's getting paid $2k / day to go to space camp--"ACADEMY!" shrieked Frank, the vein in his forehead visibly pulsing.
gellaho
Joe hates women and Frank doesn't understand human emotion
FancyShark
"A family marooned on a starship that went off course? So they're lost in-" "It's called Mutiny on the Derelict Spaceship"
John, Grand Master of the Arena
“Frank why is the dishwasher talking?”
FancyShark
Maria spent the rest of the day hating penises
gellaho
Joe and actor boy bond over their shared misogyny
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Maria is absolutely going to get her Bianca moment when she realizes Frank's concussed noggin, thickened into a leather-upholstered block of wood makes him immune to up to 5Gs
GDCommando!
I like how she uses part of the name of the series to insult the main characters of the series.
FancyShark
"Frank, hold these exposed wires. For space"
Children Love The Jetski Kid
"I knew you were a BOY. I didn't know you were so...HARDY."
Children Love The Jetski Kid
"Close your eyes, Joe. Is it me, or Maria you feel?"
gellaho
"As the author, I wanted the reader to fully understand how dumb Joe is"
FancyShark
You're never in school, Joe. How hard could it be?
hot beige jakesy
Being an astronaut is mostly memorizing Space Facts™️ right?
FancyShark
"Space is huge. Joe, are you writing this down?"
gellaho
"Hey kids, does this smell like poison? It should!"
John, Grand Master of the Arena
“Remind me again, Frank. Oxygen is good in space, right.” I'm calling it. Joe remembering an obvious Space Fact (tm) will save the day.
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Harold is the killer.
FancyShark
I want Greg to pop up and explain things to Joe every time now
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Personal assistants should never know that much inorganic chemistry.
gellaho
And now: fire
hot beige jakesy
At best they should be proficient in stoichiometry
FancyShark
But he's frail and sickly. How could such a person dare threaten the tall, athletic Hardy Boys?
hot beige jakesy
Oh Joe got a flaming bag of shit on his doorstep, book it
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
holy shit someone's already trying to kill them? have they even twigged to a mystery yet?
FancyShark
Joe has that effect on people
gellaho
Let it be known that Frank is also a moron
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Zach Snyder films taught me all physically inferior people are villains because they are jealous of the producers who are born naturally gifted.
gellaho
Almost nothing of consequence has happened yet. Still, the Hardys must burn
hot beige jakesy
I mean I get the logic, they do suck ass
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Maria is our Ripley. She knows if you give the Hardy Boys a moment, it will be too late for you
FancyShark
Greg is already better at survival than the heroes
gellaho
"That fire was weird."
gellaho
They have been beset by fire so many times that they have normal and irregular fires
FancyShark
"Gee whiz, burning to death sure is wacky!"
Oh shit, Joe's a 9/11 truther
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
how many explosions have they survived? immolation must seem pretty blase
gellaho
Child publicist Harold
gellaho
I've literally lost count because the last book had so many computers exploding
FancyShark
Harold then paused to adjust his kneepads
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Harold staged the fires to make Greg look good but also Harold is jealous and will kill Greg.
GDCommando!
"The Hardy boys, for example, were completely useless."
In the '80s you had to be a real slab of beef to crest the "Women consider this tall" horizon.
hot beige jakesy
Bet that corduroy jacket has elbow patches
Like a true pussy
gellaho
Must be hard coming up with names 93 books in
gellaho
"You don't know who we are? We were at the Grammys with the biggest rapper on the planet"
FancyShark
"Who the hell puts out a whole fire with a fire extinguisher by themselves?"
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Joe and Frank should be twice as famous as Greg.
FancyShark
And in prison, since there was no way they weren't on security footage when the Museum of Science and Industry blew up
gellaho
"Steve swore he would kill that girl."
Mr. J Boots
So is the hardy boys world some kind of Logan's Run bullshit where you get killed at 30?
gellaho
Joe, military time had to come up in the 92 books before this one
Mr. J Boots
Is that what happened to their mother?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I bet Frank has not-at-all problematic thoughts about mansplaining.
FancyShark
Joe probably just thinks it's Woman for something else
Children Love The Jetski Kid
"Maria, having studied hard and worked two jobs to realize her dream of joining the .01%, was out of her typical womanly patience for the ignorant, casual tourists around her."
FancyShark
"And they were right to hate her"
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Menudo rules. At 21 you're replaced by a younger Hardy.
gellaho
Die
FancyShark
I guarantee they're wiping their dicks on it as a "bonus" to you, Greg
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Greg is definitely living in the bubble of fame.
Mr. J Boots
This reminds me of something funny that happened to me recently but I'll elaborate in general
gellaho
Greg attempts to kill Joe: part the first
hot beige jakesy
“Phone Bill about 2 Gs flat/no need to worry my accountant handles that”
gellaho
Part the second
FancyShark
"Also Joe, ignore the targeting sight that's focusing on you"
I disagree. I'm laughing
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Did we skip the part where someone has a motive to kill Joe, other than being his usual sel...never mind.
gellaho
:BB: :OOO: :OO:
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Is that a Randy Rand line?
Mr. J Boots
Its almost good enough to be
hot beige jakesy
Biggie Smalls, the Randy Rand of our time
gellaho
That does sound like a Randy Rand and the Power Brokers joint
John, Grand Master of the Arena
If they're pulling even 2 G's, that guy is holding nearly 400 pounds with one hand.
hot beige jakesy
https://youtu.be/7Y8VPQcPHhY
gellaho
Stop being such a baby, kid
Children Love The Jetski Kid
He switched places with Greg, who was about to be killed by the parasite Harold.
FancyShark
Joe, we had a guy get scissored in half by this contraption last week and he didn't say a word
hot beige jakesy
Not to derail the book reading but the lyrics to Juicy are unreal
gellaho
"Seriously, how do you not know who we are."
Children Love The Jetski Kid
You can hate my guts because I know everyone loves his flow, but a double blind test proves I think BIG's rhyme selection is about the same as Randy Rand.
gellaho
This train don't stop
hot beige jakesy
FancyShark
Goddammit, Greg's doing meta
gellaho
gellaho
Frank is stroking out
FancyShark
"Because I really want to eat all the burned furniture"
Mr. J Boots
Never seen someone be such a pussy about almost dying before
gellaho
Detective Walsh with the thin smile
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Joe's only schtick is being relentlessly gung-ho, and a shorter guy with NASA credentials just told him he's all scrotum and no balls. I feel so sorry for the walls in his apartment tonight.
Mr. J Boots
His partner, detective Frank "donut hog" McElroy smiled fatly
Mr. J Boots
That drywall is definitely getting some scuffs and maybe a mild dent in it tonight
gellaho
Also everything is metal, so duh
FancyShark
"I have every reason to think you deduced this instead of thinking you caused it"
Mr. J Boots
That is typically how arson works yes
gellaho
Might want to improve the harness if a small piece of cloth can prevent it from working
gellaho
Flight suits are so hot right now
GDCommando!
Is there actually any plausible way this could not be arson?
FancyShark
Spontaneous Human Combustion. So, no
gellaho
Masters of deduction
FancyShark
"I've got it! It was Maria!"
gellaho
Thanks, book
FancyShark
I hope Swain has at least one family member named Cock
gellaho
FancyShark
Jesus
And he still has a job?
Mr. J Boots
They have an, arrangement with Swain
GDCommando!
This isn't a real tightly run ship, we're seeing here.
gellaho
Indeed
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Is Frank defending Swain to get instructors to dish on Swain? A little reverse misanthropy?
gellaho
He's trying to sweet talk the 20 year old
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Swain is short. ARREST HIS jEALoUS aSs!
GDCommando!
Joe doesn't see anything wrong with punching holes in drywall.
gellaho
Who, being two years older, is qualified to be an instructor and not allowed to be in the program
FancyShark
"Mr. Swain, the evidence is all circumstantial, but given your height I'm seeking the death penalty"
gellaho
Which isn't weird at all
Mr. J Boots
"he told them it was just minor strain on his heart from lugging his plus sized hog around"
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Swain and Joe bond over who sublimates their rage in ways that create the most problems for them.
gellaho
Lol
FancyShark
That is the correct way to watch Speed
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Swain is Ben Shapiro, you all know it.
gellaho
Goddammit
gellaho
That's not Keanu
FancyShark
:BB: :OOO: :OO:
gellaho
Joe found Speed really draining
Children Love The Jetski Kid
*Speed 1799 *is the shittiest in the franchise
FancyShark
Worse than Speed 2?
gellaho
Swain thinks this is boot camp
Children Love The Jetski Kid
"If yon velocipede ventures in speeds in excess of twenty-two wagon-wheels each turn of the hourglass, surely the signal shall be sent to the munitions man to light the cannonade."
FancyShark
Greg has asthma?
gellaho
Greg needs this for his role
gellaho
He's willing to die for his art
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Greg is a cruelly beautiful film star but cannot do fifty pushups
FancyShark
A true artist. Dying to start in a knock-off of Lost In Space
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Greg's as white as a Shapiro.
Inhalers are real, though.
gellaho
Classic Hardy Boys
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Hey, self-repairing asthmatic!
Or or or unkillable vampire?
FancyShark
Better stab his heart with a stake either way, just to be safe
Also, Joe, you couldn't have bothered learning CPR by this point?
gellaho
If this girl attempts to kill Greg for this fake space assignment
Children Love The Jetski Kid
You don't need CPR when you can punch the heart back into action if it knows what's good for it.
"Yeah, I know CPR, dweeb," said Joe, "Cardio...uh...punch...YOU moan airily...um...RESUSCITATION," he finished, with a satisified smile.
FancyShark
Brilliant, determined, responsible and contempt for the Hardy Boys. I think I might be falling for Maria
gellaho
The colonel has no reaction to multiple teens having flown before
FancyShark
"Women flying planes?!"
Children Love The Jetski Kid
What Polish girl spurned Frank Dixon's advances in high school?
Is there a Joseph Dixon somewhere doing an Ann Landers/Dear Abby competing series?
gellaho
Somebody really wants this actor kid dead
gellaho
FancyShark
His model skull that he carries for comfort!
gellaho
Rock solid excuse
Squat-Style Adrienne
Bold of a photog to use his own camera as a murder weapon
FancyShark
"I was trying to get an overhead shot lined up in case of celebrity nip-slips!"
gellaho
"Kid, this guy that almost murdered you is your responsibility"
Squat-Style Adrienne
Yeah but like what if you miss? Then you're down thousands
gellaho
Greg is the dumbest
FancyShark
This grown man is your responsibility, asthmatic murder target
Squat-Style Adrienne
“Let me chuck the most valuable thing I own, which I depend on for my livelihood, at some guy”
gellaho
Is it time?
gellaho
FancyShark
"Spins you in ways you didn't know possible" like around the sun or through time
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Harold is Smithering really hard.
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Or LOVE!
Father, you may not approve, but I am to be wed to this gyroscope.
FancyShark
"Greg, just...just let me smell your inhaler for a minute"
Squat-Style Adrienne
@Greg oooh
gellaho
I'm not seeing this panel
gellaho
Arm rest?
It's not a chair
FancyShark
Maybe they're pranking her
Squat-Style Adrienne
Her*
Children Love The Jetski Kid
"Close your eyes, Greg. Is this your inhaler, Maria, or something else? Something very close to you, so close, here all along?"
gellaho
He's teasing it
Squat-Style Adrienne
Classic Maria
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Seems like bad design, TBH.
gellaho
Frank is great at fake names
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Frank and Maria...will these two ever hatebang and then realize the hate remains?
FancyShark
"Frank, I'm really busy. What the hell do you want?"
gellaho
Hmmm where are we going with this, children's book
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Profiles magazine is not currently accepting submissions for Hardy Boys fiction.
Squat-Style Adrienne
Women, always spilling tea when they're not supposed to. Amirite??
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Greg would NEVER--!
FancyShark
Greg is asthmatic and holy!
gellaho
Oh, he said he didn't
gellaho
It's fine everyone, he said there was no grudge
Children Love The Jetski Kid
I was afraid Mike might try to get revenge on that actor when I assigned him to cover his story.
FancyShark
Damn fine reporter though. Best in the biz
Children Love The Jetski Kid
But her popularity grew?
dr
Sorry, I haven't been following along. But I was promised a book about astronauts and not celebrity gossip or whatever this is?
gellaho
How is Greg still alive
FancyShark
Greg is the skeptic in every horror movie
gellaho
Whoever asked about the mom, she's apparently still alive
Squat-Style Adrienne
exasperated Yeah, I've been shot, stalked, and targeted with a missile made of Mike's equipment. That doesn't mean he wants to kill me, dummies!
FancyShark
"Hi Joe. Just a reminder you're a child. Byeeee!"
Children Love The Jetski Kid
What if Greg is getting Ten Little Agathas Christied?
gellaho
Let's take a moment to remember how much Joe Hardy truly sucks
FancyShark
"You guys just don't get the celebrity lifestyle"
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Greg is Scott Baio.
Squat-Style Adrienne
He thinks “sweet and sour shrimp” is a “spicy dinner”
FancyShark
Joe would not remember those words when he died years later from a chopstick being driven through his brain
gellaho
Mark Baron: Brother Extraordinaire
Children Love The Jetski Kid
They invented the fork, Joe!
FancyShark
"Pfft. Savages"
gellaho
I'm amazed Joe hasn't blown up at this girl yet
FancyShark
Also, Mark, your sister would have failed medical school. She's not Maria
Squat-Style Adrienne
Omg I would kill his ass if I were her
Children Love The Jetski Kid
A lot of people forget '60s-90s white folks equated spicy (piquante) with spicy (rico) so all "ethnic" foods were yuk-yuk dismissed as diarrhea grenades. Basically "It has flavor so I don't trust it."
FancyShark
We're in agreement that if Maria is the villain we'll all testify on her behalf, right?
gellaho
How do you suppose Frank gets out of this one
GDCommando!
For some one going to Space, uh, Academy, Joe sure doesn't give a shit about space.
gellaho
I'm not sure why he's here
Children Love The Jetski Kid
I love that Maria showed up already fed up with Hardy bullshit and hasn't nudged her position.
gellaho
If you guessed moved, then congratulations
Squat-Style Adrienne
Maria is my identity character
John, Grand Master of the Arena
The Hardys are so codependent they have a chair next to their toilet so they're never apart.
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
the author has a knack for undercutting his own lame tension
gellaho
Frank is in a robot arm boss fight
FancyShark
Cast Thunder!
gellaho
Speaking of
FancyShark
"Then the arm removed his heart. The End"
Children Love The Jetski Kid
I 100-stickered my own statement.
FancyShark
It was accurate enough to warrant that
gellaho
"You kids are in mortal danger that I can't explain, but stop being so fucking weak!"
Children Love The Jetski Kid
I think NASA needs to examine how easy it is for a determined casual agent to quickly stage acts of sabotage before foreign powers do.
hot beige jakesy
Survival Academy, asshole
FancyShark
Swain never fully came back from Vietnam
Children Love The Jetski Kid
fuck yes, Jakesy
Mr. J Boots
Is Swain behind all this or is he a red herring?
Im guessing maria is the culprit for no reason
FancyShark
Brendan made a good point that Frank Dixon was likely wronged by a Polish girl, so it'd track
hot beige jakesy
Had to duck out for refreshments
gellaho
He's been removed, so probably
hot beige jakesy
Squat-Style Adrienne
Steve had to confirm that what Maria had to say was true
hot beige jakesy
Colonel Houseman taking it all the way to the f'ing house
gellaho
You're right book, this is repetitive
FancyShark
We could have guessed Frank would provide more info than Joe
gellaho
Is it happening now?
Squat-Style Adrienne
Ooooo
hot beige jakesy
Oh Maria is for sure the attempted killer
Squat-Style Adrienne
hot beige jakesy
There's going to be some long diatribe from Frank about how this is what happens when you let wimmins drive
FancyShark
Smash cut to them just fucking like animals
Mr. J Boots
She should just beat him up, it would show both superior reflexes and hand eye coordination which means shed be the better pilot
gellaho
Squat-Style Adrienne
FancyShark
I'm still with Maria on this one
Mr. J Boots
I hope he pops
gellaho
This is not the scenario depicted on the cover
gellaho
Joe's not even there
Children Love The Jetski Kid
This was very funny, and also Joe does everything like an animal.
Mr. J Boots
He definitely shit himself
hot beige jakesy
I have a feeling this isn't the last we've seen of the Multi-Axis Trainer
Mr. J Boots
The book won't mention it but he has to have shit himself
FancyShark
Thank you! and agreed
Children Love The Jetski Kid
This film is basically a prequel to Captain Marvel.
gellaho
It's definitely that wo-man
Squat-Style Adrienne
She ain't wrong
Mr. J Boots
She's at the top of his suspect list because he's a little bitch
Even if she did do it, let it be known he's still a little bitch for suspecting her
FancyShark
"I don't get it. We treated her like any other piece of furniture. Why would she hate us?"
gellaho
I bet Joe spends a lot of time thinking about advertising mascots
Mr. J Boots
Joe will wind up a 40 something incel
Children Love The Jetski Kid
He sounds a lot more like Mr. Clean.
Mr. J Boots
Or a mid twenties floater
hot beige jakesy
I do love how flip the Boys are about almost everything
Mr. J Boots
Only two options for him
Mr. J Boots
Is no one older that 25 here?
gellaho
Joe's a dipshit, what do you want
Mr. J Boots
Is this cw NASA?
gellaho
She's weaseled her way to the top. Somehow
Squat-Style Adrienne
I'd love a counter-read-a-long of Nancy Drew
gellaho
THEY MUST ALL BE YOUNG AND THIIIIIIIIN
gellaho
gellaho
I actually have two crossovers in Manga form
For some reason
FancyShark
We need some of those eventually
Mr. J Boots
Nancy gets shit done while the hardy boys suck at everything, that's my prediction
FancyShark
If she humiliates Joe, it's all worth it
Squat-Style Adrienne
I mean, as someone who read both, you're not wrong
Mr. J Boots
It is actually weird how often the main characters in these kids books do nothing other than stumble into bullshit, and wind up there when the bad guy is caught
gellaho
Joe's going on a panty raid
Squat-Style Adrienne
The difference is that when Nancy stumbled into some bullshit, she immediately made a plan to figure it out. The Hardy Boys were content to just run
FancyShark
Joe would have done this even if she wasn't a suspect
Mr. J Boots
Swiftly and silently is the only way he knows how to work it
Joe is gonna get expelled from college for jerking it in the coeds closets
FancyShark
"I'm looking for clues!"
gellaho
Maria has the "boys are gross" attitude of an 8 year old
FancyShark
Can you blame her? Look at the boys she's encountered
Mr. J Boots
The clown mask will end up sinking that defense
gellaho
Rock solid evidence...?
gellaho
gellaho
If you're wondering what happened with Maria, the answer is fuck-all
FancyShark
Sounds right. Why have her be the villain when she can be an obstacle?
Squat-Style Adrienne
Obviously. She wasn't a character, she was a prop
gellaho
Joe continues his idiot streak
FancyShark
Joe determined the best course of action was to eat the manual
Mr. J Boots
I think Joe deserves to die in space
gellaho
In all honesty, are there really any characters?
Mr. J Boots
No, characters have depth
FancyShark
I'm using so many reactions today!
Mr. J Boots
I appreciate it
gellaho
Joe needs to be close to his older brother so he can hold his hand when he gets scawwed
FancyShark
I like that Maria at least hasn't changed her stance on the Hardy Boys being shit
gellaho
No... it couldn't possibly be
hot beige jakesy
Hahaha
Mr. J Boots
She is a good judge of character
FancyShark
Frank Dixon, you monster
gellaho
EXPLODING COMPUTERS ARE BACK, BABY!
FancyShark
HACKED! WOOO
Squat-Style Adrienne
Maria fucking rules
gellaho
How'd I get two of these in a row
Mr. J Boots
Whoom(thunderous)
FancyShark
You've got the touch
hot beige jakesy
LETS FUCKING GO
Mr. J Boots
But does he have the power? that's the question
gellaho
Fire blasting computers
gellaho
I still have no idea what this is all about
FancyShark
Space Academy seems fun
Mr. J Boots
By my count there are like 3 non hardy boys characters, one of them is the culprit
gellaho
that's usually how it goes
Mr. J Boots
Wait they introduced Janet for no reason, think she's somehow behind it?
gellaho
there was that red head that disappeared completely
Mr. J Boots
Also plausible
FancyShark
@Children Love The Jetski Kid called that it was Harold and we still haven't cleared him
gellaho
"That's exactly what that bitch would do!"
FancyShark
Of course Maria would risk sabotaging her dream to be an astronaut!
dr
Have we cleared the hardys?
Or are they too dumb to crime
gellaho
It's impossible to assume the computer fire would be electrical
gellaho
what do computers have to do with electricity, hmmmm?
Mr. J Boots
The stories never seem to put that forward as a possibility but I have my suspicions
FancyShark
Yes! We "solved" another crime!
Mr. J Boots
That's not anything, just like the fire at the door, it means way less than the story wants us to think
FancyShark
Computers are made of glass and explosives
gellaho
Weeeee
Mr. J Boots
Honestly I think computers should have an explosive self destruct in case someone walks in on you watching weird porn.
gellaho
Rocket fuel is cheap enough to use in a murder
GDCommando!
That's why they have them on star trek.
FancyShark
Sure, NASA just lets people siphon rocket fuel and take it out to a parked car
gellaho
Why won't you just die, Joe Hardy
Mr. J Boots
Every panel that has explodes had porn playing on it
GDCommando!
Who had Joe Explodes on their bingo card?
Mr. J Boots
Its the free space
gellaho
Hey Frank, how do you know this
FancyShark
"I learned about it while building my own bombs"
GDCommando!
See, I would actually expect him to know that, given how many times it's happened to them.
Mr. J Boots
"wow, suspicious that you know all this kid"
gellaho
Greg has lost his part gasp
dr
Yeah but “monomethyl hydrazine” has like five too many syllables for his vocabulary
Mr. J Boots
I think it'd be cheaper and way more effective to lure the Hardy's into a dark room and beat them to death with a ball peen hammer
gellaho
The implication is that losing this part would cause him to murder
Mr. J Boots
None of this fucking around with bombs and chemicals
gellaho
This child actor is also a master impressionist
FancyShark
Does the role come with free money for life?
HOLY SHIT! GREG'S THE PARROT!
Mr. J Boots
Look, this underpaid ghost writer has like 3 more of these to churn through before tommorow, I don't think we can expect that much
gellaho
If this is about publicity
FancyShark
This is easily solved. Hide his inhaler
Mr. J Boots
So it's Munchausen by proxy or something?
gellaho
No, no. That's not, what
FancyShark
"And you'd be fired"
dr
Oh yeah I bet the writers guild fucking loves when actors try that
gellaho
I don't think anybody is going to be impressed by a child saving the crew of a simulation
FancyShark
So his brilliant plan is the way Kirk cheated the Akashi Maru test?
gellaho
Must murder for acting role
GDCommando!
I like how they incorporated the fact that computers explode in the hardy boys universe into their scheme.
FancyShark
Don't worry, Frank. He's asthmatic. He can't use a gun.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Kobayashi Maru. Gotts get that right around us nerds. We'll cut you if you do it again.
FancyShark
Thank you. I thought I spelled that wrong
gellaho
We've entered supervillain speechifying
FancyShark
I hope he explains how they're not that different from him
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
oh my god greg are you seriously doing the scooby doo villain monologue?
gellaho
Frank finds a great hiding place
John, Grand Master of the Arena
We're not Holmes and Watson. Those two never fucked each other for starters.
FancyShark
"What?" "Yeah, asshole. They had every opportunity too"
gellaho
They've never had sex, please. I'm not sure they understand the concept
No way to get shot behind this
gellaho
Can't see any openings
FancyShark
What are you showing us? There's nothing but a gyroscope!
gellaho
Classic judo throw
FancyShark
Frank kicked that asthmatic's ass
Greg
Get em, Greg!
You got this
hot beige jakesy
Told y'all the MAT would be back
gellaho
He got his ass kicked by Frank Hardy
gellaho
And he had a gun
Greg
:BB: :OOO: :OOO: :OOO:
gellaho
They had a robot arm, but Joe was controlling it so that doesn't really count
Greg
I'll get you next time Hardy Boys!
gellaho
Now that Greg has been defeated, they must deal with this female
Mr. J Boots
So the whole villains plan hinged on him not knowing actors can pressure for rewrites?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
This book doubled down on the misogyny in a way I wasn't expecting.
gellaho
No, it revolved around him losing a part
Mr. J Boots
Even dumber
gellaho
And trying to get it back through space academy accidents
FancyShark
I hope Maria set up their computers to explode
John, Grand Master of the Arena
They have a girl who is better than the Hardys in every way and everyone just hates her.
Mr. J Boots
And not just like, doing another round of auditions?
gellaho
Goddammit
gellaho
I hate you Joe Hardy
Mr. J Boots
Or like, realizing he's not good enough to be an actor and resigning himself to being an accountant?
FancyShark
Everyone knows that the moment an actor fails to get a role, their career is over
gellaho
So much
Mr. J Boots
Loony toons circle fade out
FancyShark
Frank threw Joe out of the plane when they reached cruising altitude
gellaho
Bingo circle out
FancyShark
Thank you again, @gellaho . These are always fun
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Yeah, thanks @gellaho
gellaho
I have once again defeated the Hardy Boys in literary combat
gellaho
Just a heads up: there will not be a reading from me next week. I'll be out of town
hot beige jakesy
Oh shit someone else gotta be the Joan Rivers to @gellaho ‘s Johnny Carson
FancyShark
I used up my only crazy artifact with that Winky story. Anyone have something?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I have one I'd like to share. The twist is, I think this book is awesome and your job will be to convince me I'm wrong.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
FancyShark
If you're okay with it being mocked mercilessly, then sure!
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I'm fine with it. But no exaggeration, it may be my favorite book. I first read it when I was 12 or 13 and at least 5 times since then.
gellaho
It's not like I haven't read. I read Jagged Steele here and that kicks ass. I just didn't know ahead of time and it was also very dumb
The Book Cage will have to wait a fortnight for its next meal
