Squat-Style Adrienne
Yeah but like what if you miss? Then you're down thousands
18: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #93: Mission: Mayhem Franklin W. Dixon
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You have to hang tough when your life hangs in the balance!
Archive
gellaho
Greg is the dumbest
FancyShark
This grown man is your responsibility, asthmatic murder target
Squat-Style Adrienne
“Let me chuck the most valuable thing I own, which I depend on for my livelihood, at some guy”
gellaho
Is it time?
gellaho
FancyShark
"Spins you in ways you didn't know possible" like around the sun or through time
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Harold is Smithering really hard.
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Or LOVE!
Father, you may not approve, but I am to be wed to this gyroscope.
FancyShark
"Greg, just...just let me smell your inhaler for a minute"
Squat-Style Adrienne
@Greg oooh
gellaho
I'm not seeing this panel
gellaho
Arm rest?
It's not a chair
FancyShark
Maybe they're pranking her
Squat-Style Adrienne
Her*
Children Love The Jetski Kid
"Close your eyes, Greg. Is this your inhaler, Maria, or something else? Something very close to you, so close, here all along?"
gellaho
He's teasing it
Squat-Style Adrienne
Classic Maria
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Seems like bad design, TBH.
gellaho
Frank is great at fake names
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Frank and Maria...will these two ever hatebang and then realize the hate remains?
FancyShark
"Frank, I'm really busy. What the hell do you want?"
gellaho
Hmmm where are we going with this, children's book
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Profiles magazine is not currently accepting submissions for Hardy Boys fiction.
Squat-Style Adrienne
Women, always spilling tea when they're not supposed to. Amirite??
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Greg would NEVER--!
FancyShark
Greg is asthmatic and holy!
gellaho
Oh, he said he didn't
gellaho
It's fine everyone, he said there was no grudge
Children Love The Jetski Kid
I was afraid Mike might try to get revenge on that actor when I assigned him to cover his story.
FancyShark
Damn fine reporter though. Best in the biz
Children Love The Jetski Kid
But her popularity grew?
dr
Sorry, I haven't been following along. But I was promised a book about astronauts and not celebrity gossip or whatever this is?
gellaho
How is Greg still alive
FancyShark
Greg is the skeptic in every horror movie
gellaho
Whoever asked about the mom, she's apparently still alive
Squat-Style Adrienne
exasperated Yeah, I've been shot, stalked, and targeted with a missile made of Mike's equipment. That doesn't mean he wants to kill me, dummies!
FancyShark
"Hi Joe. Just a reminder you're a child. Byeeee!"
Children Love The Jetski Kid
What if Greg is getting Ten Little Agathas Christied?
gellaho
Let's take a moment to remember how much Joe Hardy truly sucks
FancyShark
"You guys just don't get the celebrity lifestyle"
Children Love The Jetski Kid
Greg is Scott Baio.
Squat-Style Adrienne
He thinks “sweet and sour shrimp” is a “spicy dinner”
FancyShark
Joe would not remember those words when he died years later from a chopstick being driven through his brain
gellaho
Mark Baron: Brother Extraordinaire
Children Love The Jetski Kid
They invented the fork, Joe!
FancyShark
"Pfft. Savages"
gellaho
I'm amazed Joe hasn't blown up at this girl yet
FancyShark
Also, Mark, your sister would have failed medical school. She's not Maria
Squat-Style Adrienne
Omg I would kill his ass if I were her
Children Love The Jetski Kid
A lot of people forget '60s-90s white folks equated spicy (piquante) with spicy (rico) so all "ethnic" foods were yuk-yuk dismissed as diarrhea grenades. Basically "It has flavor so I don't trust it."
FancyShark
We're in agreement that if Maria is the villain we'll all testify on her behalf, right?
gellaho
How do you suppose Frank gets out of this one
GDCommando!
For some one going to Space, uh, Academy, Joe sure doesn't give a shit about space.
gellaho
I'm not sure why he's here
Children Love The Jetski Kid
I love that Maria showed up already fed up with Hardy bullshit and hasn't nudged her position.
gellaho
If you guessed moved, then congratulations
Squat-Style Adrienne
Maria is my identity character
John, Grand Master of the Arena
The Hardys are so codependent they have a chair next to their toilet so they're never apart.
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
the author has a knack for undercutting his own lame tension
gellaho
Frank is in a robot arm boss fight
FancyShark
Cast Thunder!
gellaho
Speaking of
FancyShark
"Then the arm removed his heart. The End"
Children Love The Jetski Kid
I 100-stickered my own statement.
FancyShark
It was accurate enough to warrant that
gellaho
"You kids are in mortal danger that I can't explain, but stop being so fucking weak!"
Children Love The Jetski Kid
I think NASA needs to examine how easy it is for a determined casual agent to quickly stage acts of sabotage before foreign powers do.
hot beige jakesy
Survival Academy, asshole
FancyShark
Swain never fully came back from Vietnam
Children Love The Jetski Kid
fuck yes, Jakesy
Mr. J Boots
Is Swain behind all this or is he a red herring?
Im guessing maria is the culprit for no reason
FancyShark
Brendan made a good point that Frank Dixon was likely wronged by a Polish girl, so it'd track
hot beige jakesy
Had to duck out for refreshments
gellaho
He's been removed, so probably
hot beige jakesy
Squat-Style Adrienne
Steve had to confirm that what Maria had to say was true
hot beige jakesy
Colonel Houseman taking it all the way to the f'ing house
gellaho
You're right book, this is repetitive
FancyShark
We could have guessed Frank would provide more info than Joe
gellaho
Is it happening now?
Squat-Style Adrienne
Ooooo
hot beige jakesy
Oh Maria is for sure the attempted killer
Squat-Style Adrienne
hot beige jakesy
There's going to be some long diatribe from Frank about how this is what happens when you let wimmins drive
FancyShark
Smash cut to them just fucking like animals
Mr. J Boots
She should just beat him up, it would show both superior reflexes and hand eye coordination which means shed be the better pilot
gellaho
Squat-Style Adrienne
FancyShark
I'm still with Maria on this one
Mr. J Boots
I hope he pops
gellaho
This is not the scenario depicted on the cover
gellaho
Joe's not even there
Children Love The Jetski Kid
This was very funny, and also Joe does everything like an animal.
Mr. J Boots
He definitely shit himself
hot beige jakesy
I have a feeling this isn't the last we've seen of the Multi-Axis Trainer
Mr. J Boots
The book won't mention it but he has to have shit himself
FancyShark
Thank you! and agreed
Children Love The Jetski Kid
This film is basically a prequel to Captain Marvel.
gellaho
It's definitely that wo-man
Squat-Style Adrienne
She ain't wrong
Mr. J Boots
She's at the top of his suspect list because he's a little bitch
Even if she did do it, let it be known he's still a little bitch for suspecting her
FancyShark
"I don't get it. We treated her like any other piece of furniture. Why would she hate us?"
gellaho
I bet Joe spends a lot of time thinking about advertising mascots
Mr. J Boots
Joe will wind up a 40 something incel
Children Love The Jetski Kid
He sounds a lot more like Mr. Clean.
Mr. J Boots
Or a mid twenties floater
hot beige jakesy
I do love how flip the Boys are about almost everything
Mr. J Boots
Only two options for him
Mr. J Boots
Is no one older that 25 here?
gellaho
Joe's a dipshit, what do you want
Mr. J Boots
Is this cw NASA?
gellaho
She's weaseled her way to the top. Somehow
Squat-Style Adrienne
I'd love a counter-read-a-long of Nancy Drew
gellaho
THEY MUST ALL BE YOUNG AND THIIIIIIIIN
gellaho
gellaho
I actually have two crossovers in Manga form
For some reason
FancyShark
We need some of those eventually
Mr. J Boots
Nancy gets shit done while the hardy boys suck at everything, that's my prediction
FancyShark
If she humiliates Joe, it's all worth it
Squat-Style Adrienne
I mean, as someone who read both, you're not wrong
Mr. J Boots
It is actually weird how often the main characters in these kids books do nothing other than stumble into bullshit, and wind up there when the bad guy is caught
gellaho
Joe's going on a panty raid
Squat-Style Adrienne
The difference is that when Nancy stumbled into some bullshit, she immediately made a plan to figure it out. The Hardy Boys were content to just run
FancyShark
Joe would have done this even if she wasn't a suspect
Mr. J Boots
Swiftly and silently is the only way he knows how to work it
Joe is gonna get expelled from college for jerking it in the coeds closets
FancyShark
"I'm looking for clues!"
gellaho
Maria has the "boys are gross" attitude of an 8 year old
FancyShark
Can you blame her? Look at the boys she's encountered
Mr. J Boots
The clown mask will end up sinking that defense
gellaho
Rock solid evidence...?
gellaho
gellaho
If you're wondering what happened with Maria, the answer is fuck-all
FancyShark
Sounds right. Why have her be the villain when she can be an obstacle?
Squat-Style Adrienne
Obviously. She wasn't a character, she was a prop
gellaho
Joe continues his idiot streak
FancyShark
Joe determined the best course of action was to eat the manual
Mr. J Boots
I think Joe deserves to die in space
gellaho
In all honesty, are there really any characters?
Mr. J Boots
No, characters have depth
FancyShark
I'm using so many reactions today!
Mr. J Boots
I appreciate it
gellaho
Joe needs to be close to his older brother so he can hold his hand when he gets scawwed
FancyShark
I like that Maria at least hasn't changed her stance on the Hardy Boys being shit
gellaho
No... it couldn't possibly be
hot beige jakesy
Hahaha
Mr. J Boots
She is a good judge of character
FancyShark
Frank Dixon, you monster
gellaho
EXPLODING COMPUTERS ARE BACK, BABY!
FancyShark
HACKED! WOOO
Squat-Style Adrienne
Maria fucking rules
gellaho
How'd I get two of these in a row
Mr. J Boots
Whoom(thunderous)
FancyShark
You've got the touch
hot beige jakesy
LETS FUCKING GO
Mr. J Boots
But does he have the power? that's the question
gellaho
Fire blasting computers
gellaho
I still have no idea what this is all about
FancyShark
Space Academy seems fun
Mr. J Boots
By my count there are like 3 non hardy boys characters, one of them is the culprit
gellaho
that's usually how it goes
Mr. J Boots
Wait they introduced Janet for no reason, think she's somehow behind it?
gellaho
there was that red head that disappeared completely
Mr. J Boots
Also plausible
FancyShark
@Children Love The Jetski Kid called that it was Harold and we still haven't cleared him
gellaho
"That's exactly what that bitch would do!"
FancyShark
Of course Maria would risk sabotaging her dream to be an astronaut!
dr
Have we cleared the hardys?
Or are they too dumb to crime
gellaho
It's impossible to assume the computer fire would be electrical
gellaho
what do computers have to do with electricity, hmmmm?
Mr. J Boots
The stories never seem to put that forward as a possibility but I have my suspicions
FancyShark
Yes! We "solved" another crime!
Mr. J Boots
That's not anything, just like the fire at the door, it means way less than the story wants us to think
FancyShark
Computers are made of glass and explosives
gellaho
Weeeee
Mr. J Boots
Honestly I think computers should have an explosive self destruct in case someone walks in on you watching weird porn.
gellaho
Rocket fuel is cheap enough to use in a murder
GDCommando!
That's why they have them on star trek.
FancyShark
Sure, NASA just lets people siphon rocket fuel and take it out to a parked car
gellaho
Why won't you just die, Joe Hardy
Mr. J Boots
Every panel that has explodes had porn playing on it
GDCommando!
Who had Joe Explodes on their bingo card?
Mr. J Boots
Its the free space
gellaho
Hey Frank, how do you know this
FancyShark
"I learned about it while building my own bombs"
GDCommando!
See, I would actually expect him to know that, given how many times it's happened to them.
Mr. J Boots
"wow, suspicious that you know all this kid"
gellaho
Greg has lost his part gasp
dr
Yeah but “monomethyl hydrazine” has like five too many syllables for his vocabulary
Mr. J Boots
I think it'd be cheaper and way more effective to lure the Hardy's into a dark room and beat them to death with a ball peen hammer
gellaho
The implication is that losing this part would cause him to murder
Mr. J Boots
None of this fucking around with bombs and chemicals
gellaho
This child actor is also a master impressionist
FancyShark
Does the role come with free money for life?
HOLY SHIT! GREG'S THE PARROT!
Mr. J Boots
Look, this underpaid ghost writer has like 3 more of these to churn through before tommorow, I don't think we can expect that much
gellaho
If this is about publicity
FancyShark
This is easily solved. Hide his inhaler
Mr. J Boots
So it's Munchausen by proxy or something?
gellaho
No, no. That's not, what
FancyShark
"And you'd be fired"
dr
Oh yeah I bet the writers guild fucking loves when actors try that
gellaho
I don't think anybody is going to be impressed by a child saving the crew of a simulation
FancyShark
So his brilliant plan is the way Kirk cheated the Akashi Maru test?
gellaho
Must murder for acting role
GDCommando!
I like how they incorporated the fact that computers explode in the hardy boys universe into their scheme.
FancyShark
Don't worry, Frank. He's asthmatic. He can't use a gun.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Kobayashi Maru. Gotts get that right around us nerds. We'll cut you if you do it again.
FancyShark
Thank you. I thought I spelled that wrong
gellaho
We've entered supervillain speechifying
FancyShark
I hope he explains how they're not that different from him
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
oh my god greg are you seriously doing the scooby doo villain monologue?
gellaho
Frank finds a great hiding place
John, Grand Master of the Arena
We're not Holmes and Watson. Those two never fucked each other for starters.
FancyShark
"What?" "Yeah, asshole. They had every opportunity too"
gellaho
They've never had sex, please. I'm not sure they understand the concept
No way to get shot behind this
gellaho
Can't see any openings
FancyShark
What are you showing us? There's nothing but a gyroscope!
gellaho
Classic judo throw
FancyShark
Frank kicked that asthmatic's ass
Greg
Get em, Greg!
You got this
hot beige jakesy
Told y'all the MAT would be back
gellaho
He got his ass kicked by Frank Hardy
gellaho
And he had a gun
Greg
:BB: :OOO: :OOO: :OOO:
gellaho
They had a robot arm, but Joe was controlling it so that doesn't really count
Greg
I'll get you next time Hardy Boys!
gellaho
Now that Greg has been defeated, they must deal with this female
Mr. J Boots
So the whole villains plan hinged on him not knowing actors can pressure for rewrites?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
This book doubled down on the misogyny in a way I wasn't expecting.
gellaho
No, it revolved around him losing a part
Mr. J Boots
Even dumber
gellaho
And trying to get it back through space academy accidents
FancyShark
I hope Maria set up their computers to explode
John, Grand Master of the Arena
They have a girl who is better than the Hardys in every way and everyone just hates her.
Mr. J Boots
And not just like, doing another round of auditions?
gellaho
Goddammit
gellaho
I hate you Joe Hardy
Mr. J Boots
Or like, realizing he's not good enough to be an actor and resigning himself to being an accountant?
FancyShark
Everyone knows that the moment an actor fails to get a role, their career is over
gellaho
So much
Mr. J Boots
Loony toons circle fade out
FancyShark
Frank threw Joe out of the plane when they reached cruising altitude
gellaho
Bingo circle out
FancyShark
Thank you again, @gellaho . These are always fun
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Yeah, thanks @gellaho
gellaho
I have once again defeated the Hardy Boys in literary combat
gellaho
Just a heads up: there will not be a reading from me next week. I'll be out of town
hot beige jakesy
Oh shit someone else gotta be the Joan Rivers to @gellaho ‘s Johnny Carson
FancyShark
I used up my only crazy artifact with that Winky story. Anyone have something?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I have one I'd like to share. The twist is, I think this book is awesome and your job will be to convince me I'm wrong.
