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gellaho
🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) Poll Time 🚨
It's time to determine which magical adventure will be read this Friday.
🦹♂️ #42 - The Last Laugh
🧙♀️ #98 - Murder by Magic
🐱 #101 - Peak of Danger
Vote by reaction on this message
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
How do you
How do you have two fire shooting covers?
Wiki how: how to deal with super villains
gellaho
56 books worth of running out of ideas
Game Dweeb Thrillho
Is that woman saving them from a house fire by intensely sucking up the flames?
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
Hardy Boys rescue Jeb Bush from Anthrocon 2021
Game Dweeb Thrillho
He already pissed his pants. Thoroughly
Also that staff looks like it's designed for rectal insertion.
Cyberzone
That does sound like Jeb
Excuse me
I meant: Jeb!
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
Yeah it's anthrocon
FancyShark
Dangit, these are never easy to choose. Okay, the Hardys overwhelmingly suck, but are they worst at stopping property damage, rescuing someone, or solving a murder?
Wait, stupid question
Something blows up every book
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
It's always smugglers
gellaho
That axiom has been untrue for all of the books I've read
FancyShark
It is true that it's always someone that's somehow dumber than the Hardys
Rumhole Surfer
Last Laugh was one of nine random volumes my high school library chose to carry.
FancyShark
Did you read it?
Rumhole Surfer
Yep
FancyShark
Was it batshit?
Rumhole Surfer
In a sort of Scooby Doo "Lets See How You Really Did It" kinda way.
FancyShark
Nice
So far I think the most insane one was the one that required clones, a Pit and the Pendulum murder, poison, and a dwarf in a cemetery
gellaho
Hilariously the wacky fire supervillain would be the earliest one of these I've read
FancyShark
Based on the cover, I'm betting it's about some guy that resents the success of a rival or ex-partner's comic book and they dress up as the villain of their own work or the victim's to enact revenge on the victim and some comic book company or committee
Maybe the Biggest Mo
actually turns out that this is his thing and he's the reason that cons started banning kink stuff on the main floor
FancyShark
"Oh shit. Here comes Eddie the Flamer."
"Dude, that's not something you should be-AAAAAAGGGGHHH FIIIIIIIIRRRREEE!"
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
This is definitely doing something sexual for him.
gellaho
He's doing the Palpatine hands
FancyShark
That's clearly a dominatrix mask...I assume
Maybe the Biggest Mo
man I hope he's got, like, that fireproof gel stuff or something on his hands
otherwise it very quickly becomes the case of "the man with the gross blistery palms"
gellaho
I like that he's clearly just spinning around doing that
FancyShark
His manicurist has PTSD
gellaho
Not even paying attention to the Hardy Boys
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
He's about to get decked in the fucking temple
gellaho
He's right not to fear Joe
FancyShark
Yeah, Frank's the one that knows how to fight
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
Is Joe the brunette?
Joe sucks on every cover.
FancyShark
Joe's the blonde
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
Okay but I like Joe's initiative
gellaho
Joe has high defense, but poor offense
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
He sees a guy with seemingly supernatural pyromancy and he's like
gellaho
He usually ends up hurting himself
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
“I'm going to fucking deck him”
FancyShark
That's definitely a Joe move
gellaho
He'll swing at that guy, miss, trip, get caught on fire but still live
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
They are trying very hard to make this one look like a pussy
FancyShark
Frank will wait until things are spelled out for him, then judo-flip someone
Yeah, Frank usually eats shit on the covers
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
I want to root for Joe but I remember he's like, incel-y in the books
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Frank looks like he was considering a blowjob until the current events unfolded
gellaho
Frank is basically a robot without hum-an emotions
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
Can I root for cover Joe separate from book Joe?
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
He is now reconsidering
gellaho
This is the worst thing you could ever do
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
I like guys who try and sucker punch dorky terrorist cosplayers.
Not my fault if he sucks in the book.
FancyShark
Do not be fooled by sweet moves on a cover. Joe is that liquid that gathers at the bottom of garbage dumpsters
gellaho
Most of the covers show Frank about to be murdered, but the most accurate cover is this one
gellaho
This exact scenario happens in almost every book
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
Too many jokes.
FancyShark
My god. It all makes sense now
gellaho
The people have spoken! And the nerds have, of course, chosen a book about the Hardy Boys at a "San Diego comic book convention" (I wonder which one). Can Frank and Joe survive the deadly superpowers of the Human Dreadnought and the Flame Fiend? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we read The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #42: The Last Laugh
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway gimme that pin or I will send the Flame Fiend after you
Game Dweeb Thrillho
I didn't know the Hardy Boys did a crossover with the lamest X-Men villain
Javo, The One with the Owls
I feel like you are cheating by forcing us to choose from two different magicians shooting fire at the hardy boys
FancyShark
He always makes the choice agonizing
gellaho
Life is hard
gellaho
Here's your preview for The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #42: The Last Laugh. Coming up on the hour
Djonin, Daybreak MegaFan
It's going to be hard convincing me that Sean didn't make that page up.
… except I guess that no one's name is like, paste pot Pete
FancyShark
I can't wait to find out what superhero each of those villains fight
gellaho
Joe believes he is above comic books
FancyShark
Since when does Joe care about girls?
gellaho
This description makes me deeply uncomfortable
FancyShark
"Come, brother. It is time for our daily physical assessment of each other."
gellaho
In case you didn't get it, Chet's a nerd
FancyShark
The shoes are a bit much
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
I laughed way too hard at this
Maybe the Biggest Mo
My "Blue Beetle watching Seinfeld" sneakers really tie my outfit together
gellaho
I don't know much about comic con, is there typically a prom?
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
A prom and they clear out a museum to bring in historical artworks
Heretic Ferroday
oh god this book is someone's john hughes movie script
FancyShark
I know some conventions have dance parties, but they also have to avoid strobe lights because of liability for epileptics
I wish that was a joke
gellaho
This seems like the demographic of a 1990 comic convention, sure
Maybe the Biggest Mo
I've actually been to several cons with a big dance or two (rave and ball-style) so, yeah
I don't know if they got that detail right on purpose but somehow they did
gellaho
How about 31 years ago
FancyShark
Frank and Chet can't believe anyone would be drooling over girls at Comic Con
Greg
I know they did not get that detail right on purpose
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Also joe getting horny on main for girls wearing regular clothing
FancyShark
This must be before Joe was rejected enough times to hate all women on sight
gellaho
If he actually talks to them, he'll get furious
Hitler's coming up in a lot of these children's books
gellaho
gellaho
Frank horny in public as well
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Children Love the Hitler
Maybe the Biggest Mo
Children love the panzer tank
FancyShark
And that square-jawed hero's name? Captain Adventure
gellaho
Joe admiring the figure of a giant blond strongman
FancyShark
"Hahaha, who would ever believe a dick basket that large?"
gellaho
Here's a woman of authority for Joe to get mad at
FancyShark
Pleasant-looking? Dixon, you thirsty bitch
Maybe the Biggest Mo
I'm learning the lore as we go
gellaho
Neeeeerrrrdddddssss
gellaho
Also dangerously close to violating copyrights
FancyShark
Short version: Joe's the worst, Frank's a soulless machine, Frank Dixon has issues, Computers explode
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Joe likes to be horny but gets angry when women talk to him
gellaho
I wonder who Metaman is based on
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
If there's one thing you need to know though, it's that all computers are ticking time bombs
FancyShark
Johns is also working on a new comic: GlobeWatch
gellaho
Also, Joe is invulnerable to all human weapons
FancyShark
And Frank can kill with his bare hands
Maybe the Biggest Mo
so guys with bullwhips and shurikens are a pointless exercise against them, got it
FancyShark
Oh right. And every cliffhanger is resolved immediately
gellaho
It's starting quick
FancyShark
Chet whispered further "They even got it right that the Flame Fiend isn't circumcised!"
gellaho
Just terrific
Heretic Ferroday
did....they just stick a grenade bandolier onto Apocalypse?
Maybe the Biggest Mo
Terrific Comics' "the Human Dreadnought" sounds like something from the 1930s
FancyShark
Pretty Good Comics went under last year
gellaho
If only, Joe
FancyShark
Fingers crossed
Heretic Ferroday
Joe Hardy has clearly never read his own books
FancyShark
"What the hell? But my name's Joe"
gellaho
Rather than resolve the cliffhanger, just ignore it
gellaho
That's writing 101
FancyShark
Wow. That means Dixon actually tried less at the start
gellaho
Better get the children on this
FancyShark
He sweeps folding chairs aside with one wave of his arm. HUMAN DREADNOUGHT!
Maybe the Biggest Mo
and then Frank pulled out his trusty handgun!
gellaho
No, then they ninja ran on auditorium chair arms
Heretic Ferroday
oh no they're kidnapping Geoff Johns!
FancyShark
Johns normally pays money for this
gellaho
So far their only move is smoke grenade
Heretic Ferroday
to be fair, they also toss aside chairs that are somehow flimsy enough to be swept away one handed yet sturdy enough to be danced on by teenagers
gellaho
Wait, add on the deadly mop-through-door-handle technique
FancyShark
"Chet! Use your fat for something good and help destroy this door!"
gellaho
Foot-long wand of fire, indeed
gellaho
If you think about it, that's not actually that far
he has to be a foot away from the display cases
FancyShark
"What about the kidnapped guy, Chet?"
"LET HIM BURN"
Heretic Ferroday
"I mean have you read Doomsday Clock? Fuck him!"
gellaho
"Make sure to put the million dollar comic collection in flimsy displays"
FancyShark
"The 'Do Not Touch' stickers! They did nothing!"
Heretic Ferroday
to be fair, this is 90's comic con
gellaho
Joe is mad ball bearings won't reveal their secrets to him
gellaho
Frank is rewarded for messing with a grenade
FancyShark
Remember to always shake bombs near your head to see if they're full
gellaho
Oh, God, he's been kidnapped by nerds
Heretic Ferroday
oh my god it really is geoff johns, dude's a huge barry allen flash fan
FancyShark
"We will accept payment in the form of Deanna Troi's phone number"
Maybe the Biggest Mo
good to see the bomb squad is in town
John
"Mrs. Barry Johns"? They couldn't even be bothered to learn her name?
Heretic Ferroday
you know the kidnapper's a nerd because he signed the note "The Human Dreadnought"
John
Fellas, learn her name and maybe she'll cooperate.
"Listen, officer, when I picked up and shook the grenade next to my head I was careful not to smudge any fingerprints."
FancyShark
"The fuck you mean you opened it?"
gellaho
"A new silver van? Only one company makes those!"
FancyShark
Turns out they drove away in a green Honda Civic
gellaho
They're taking out all the comic book creators
gellaho
John
This whole series makes more sense if you assume Joe is a Make-A-Wish recipient and the more fantastic elements are a creation of his cancer-addled brain.
FancyShark
No need to clear the crime scene, Chet
gellaho
Chet is one of those dumb nerds
gellaho
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Don't ever let chet know about wrestling.
Or Fight Zone.
FancyShark
Joe, why is that what you got from Chet's answer?
You're fighting nerds. He basically just told you all the things they're going to try to replicate if you fight them.
gellaho
Frank doing some police wiretapping
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
The Hardy Boys interfere with police investigations this much, and they're only now discovering police scanners?
FancyShark
"ALL UNITS BE ADVISED: REPORTS OF TWO CAUCASIAN MALES IN CAR LEAVING SCENE OF ARSON AND KIDNAPPING"
gellaho
A police helicopter somehow lost the van. Frank Hardy can psychically intuit where the van is going
gellaho
I say psychically because he doesn't live here
FancyShark
"Quick. Let's make a dandy getaway down Lake Ashmere Drive, Flame Fiend"
gellaho
Drive away, morons
gellaho
"I'm sure he'll stop beating on our car of his own accord"
FancyShark
Don't bother running him over with the machine you're controlling
gellaho
Sure
gellaho
That's maybe the most awkward way to describe a car rolling down a hill
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
"He's picking the car up while making the sound of a car jack! I don't understand!"
FancyShark
"He must be very strong!"
gellaho
Yay, no consequences!
FancyShark
Chet's neck is at a 90 degree angle
gellaho
Does the car still work?
gellaho
You bet your ass it does!
FancyShark
This was all a shameless ad for Volkswagen!
gellaho
That whole endeavor was largely pointless
FancyShark
"This car looks like the Human Dreadnought rolled it down a hill, boys"
gellaho
Better watch out for the spaceplane, boys
FancyShark
Chet's fat, if you didn't pick up on that
gellaho
I wonder what Terrific Comics is an allegory for
FancyShark
Malibu
Maybe the Biggest Mo
whether or not they intended
definitely Malibu
gellaho
Chet really taking that attempted murder in stride
Maybe the Biggest Mo
chet kinda rules
FancyShark
Yeah, he does
Maybe the Biggest Mo
Chet self-actualized, fatly
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Wow a whole channel!
On the hotels cable package!
FancyShark
Chet's already a legend at at least a dozen orgies
Maybe the Biggest Mo
"I had a great time and made new friends!" he blubbered with his whole mouth
gellaho
Food orgies maybe
FancyShark
BOOM
But also yes
gellaho
If this kidnapping plot for $500,000 ends up being a business tiff... well, it would be exactly what I expected
FancyShark
My bet's on an insurance scam
Or Johns trying to extort his wife
gellaho
The Hardy Boys would go interview ex-presidents if bank robbers used those plastic masks
FancyShark
They'd be at the zoo if Johns was captured by furries
gellaho
"Don't you think it's suspicious Mr. Nixon that one of the bank robbers was wearing a mask resembling you, hmm?"
FancyShark
"I've never been anywhere near Waterg- wait, what? Bank? What are you, toddlers?"
gellaho
"You said 'I am not a crook,' are you sure about that Mr. President?"
FancyShark
"Secret Service, shoot these boys"
gellaho
That last sentence is not suspicious at all
FancyShark
He says the same thing to his kids. It's one of his endearing quirks
Maybe the Biggest Mo
it's called "Shuriken Love," man
FancyShark
Chet's heart, meanwhile, focuses on passing another fist-sized ball of plaque
gellaho
Jesus, Joe, you were just told about Metaman
FancyShark
Neil Gaiman considered kidnapping Todd MacFarlane over a copyright lawsuit, but you know why he didn't do it? Class
gellaho
Barry seems like a real cool guy
FancyShark
"Honestly, Barry shouldn't even have a job"
Maybe the Biggest Mo
it WAS pretty fucked up when those guys broke off to form Image Comics by burning down the Marvel EiC's house with a pair of Cyclops-themed laser goggles
gellaho
"Frank's shoulder bag was eight feet wide and weighed three hundred pounds"
FancyShark
Chet has a similar bag that he sleeps in
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
It's his crime scene contamination kit.
Maybe the Biggest Mo
oh, I need to get me one of those
John
I like the conceit of the book is a plagiarism lawsuit. As if the whole comics industry wouldn't collapse if those were ever pursued.
gellaho
The boys think it's a great idea to sneak to the back of the kidnapped man's house
FancyShark
"You both better be HUGE"
gellaho
"You think of finding a hotel to stay in, maybe?"
Maybe the Biggest Mo
hey maybe he just lives like that!
FancyShark
The FBI gets called for kidnapped comic artists?
gellaho
Mrs. Kaner begins her eye exercises
FancyShark
FancyShark
Joe remembers how often he's seen his mom do that
gellaho
KIDS! LOVE! LEGAL! DRAMA!
FancyShark
It was filled out in crayon, which wasn't important but was still odd
gellaho
Royalties!? Kids go crazy for it!
FancyShark
"You gotta read this new Hardy Boys book!"
"Does it talk about copyright infringement?"
"Does it ever!"
John
Let's pretend we're this woman for a minute. 2 strangers appear in your backyard after your husband has been kidnapped. What are the odds that instead of immediately kicking them in the balls while calling the police, you let them in and show them your husband's private paperwork?
gellaho
It's weird that they chose to make all the renegade comic artists 60 years old
FancyShark
Once the valium kicks in, she don't give a fuck
Maybe the Biggest Mo
all of the normal ones are currently forming Malibu
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Which one of these guys is the Stan Lee stand-in, and which is the Jack Kirby stand-in again?
FancyShark
"normal"
The one with the skillz is Kirby. The one that fucks is Lee
gellaho
"With his arthritis, it was hard for Strong to sharpen pencils"
Maybe the Biggest Mo
and the one on the rooftop with a high-powered rifle is Steve Ditko! Duck, Jim Shooter!!
FancyShark
Strong sharpens pencils with his trusty whittlin' knife
He's lost three fingers
gellaho
Ice?
FancyShark
Check his lats!
John
He has a deep voice, but it's not quite The Voice of Doom (tm)
gellaho
@jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator I found Ice in Hardy Boys
Good to see Dixon('s ghostwriter) shares Simon Hawke's fetish
John
"Frank knew he'd be tough to take on in a fight"
Frank is one of the 6% who thinks he could win against a grizzly.
FancyShark
Drew already felt too old for this shit
gellaho
"DO YOU KNOW WHO OUR DAD IS?"
FancyShark
"A junkie tried to spit in my eye to give me his AIDS. Why the hell would I care who your dad is?"
John
Frank and Joe are actually orphans who escaped. "Fenton Hardy" is a detective series they read before their parents were killed tragically in a computer explosion.
gellaho
I wonder what might be causing this anger from Joe
Maybe the Biggest Mo
Fentanyl Hardy, My Favorite Dad
FancyShark
He got clean! Stop slandering him!
John
Except for in Bad Rap, I don't think they've ever been paid or hired to do investigations. That makes them, by the literal definition, amateurs.
Maybe the Biggest Mo
oh yeah?
then why did they get kicked out of the Olympics
gellaho
Tom is this red headed nerd they met
FancyShark
I like Hanlon
John
Because Joe sexually harassed half the women athletes and told the other half they were the inferior sex.
Maybe the Biggest Mo
and Chet got done up for doping, right, right, okay, I remember now
gellaho
And apparently a kleptomaniac
FancyShark
Oh no. Johns had a rib collection, didn't he?
oh, nvm
John
Ah yes, the Hardys and their famously rigid respect for rules of evidence and police procedure.
FancyShark
How many people were in that room?
gellaho
He "saved" the strongman Joe was slobbering over
gellaho
Frank attempts to karate fire
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Yes
Good
I'm at the vet right now so I'm going to have to catch up
Maybe the Biggest Mo
hey let's be fair, UFC 1 hadn't happened yet, we didn't know that karate didn't work against fire
FancyShark
Flame Fiend eyed Chet.
"Not bad," he thought.
gellaho
You could try following the Flame Fiend, Frank
FancyShark
Flame Fiend loves his job
Maybe the Biggest Mo
use karate, you wuss!
wait, fuck
gellaho
FUCKIN SWEET
FancyShark
No, Mo's right! Suplex the fire!
Greg
Classic mistake for an author to call a guy big and not give a chest circumference
gellaho
I can't expect this ghostwriter to match the brilliance of JD Masters
Synchronized fire escape
FancyShark
See, because fat floats
gellaho
Frank is confused about why people might applaud two teens diving from a flaming third floor hotel room
FancyShark
"It's called 'joy', Frank. It's a human thing"
Also, if I'm going too far with the fat jokes, someone please let me know
gellaho
Kidnapping #4 - Strong
gellaho
You have to keep that vital ninja star evidence
FancyShark
Ninja don't wear gloves, it's true
gellaho
Oof, only $100,000? That's embarrassing
FancyShark
"We will take payment in the form of a Counselor Troi impersonator's phone number"
gellaho
It's Bugarr!
FancyShark
Whaaaaaaaaat
Maybe the Biggest Mo
I am taking the fat jokes as you making fun of how the story treats Chet, who owns, so I getcha
gellaho
Lol, they both drop the old man
FancyShark
Strong's bones snap like stale breadsticks
gellaho
Stop promising me Joe death
gellaho
Joe has impossible grip strength
Greg
God damn it
FancyShark
Joe's like eight feet off the ground by this point
Greg
Every time I am hoping for something, anything, bad to happen to Joe
I know it never will but I still hope
gellaho
And Chet has the kind of impossible strength only potato chips can bring you
Greg
I'm not counting all of Joe's dead girlfriends as something bad happening because he can't feel love
FancyShark
Consecutive Heart Attacks Grip!
Greg
(Shit was this Frank?)
FancyShark
Frank can't feel love and Joe doesn't deserve love. It's a fine line.
gellaho
That was Joe
Frank has had a steady girlfriend, but he is also a robot who cannot give hu-man love
Greg
I'm a little proud that Hardy lore slides right off my brain the same way I'm proud that Steele lore sticks there forever
Maybe the Biggest Mo
Chet fucking rules, what the hell
FancyShark
Which sucks because his girlfriend was awesome
gellaho
"That's just like him to use comic book costumes for revenge!"
FancyShark
Mean = Stupid Plans
gellaho
It's too bad her clone was bisected by a pendulum
I think eye squint + lip bite is the worst expression
gellaho
In order to pull that off, you have to scrunch your entire face
FancyShark
That's a toilet grimace
gellaho
The Hardys investigations are basically just blackmailing people for information
FancyShark
Be a shame if something happened to this place
gellaho
The Hardys investigate the Zenith comic offices (conveniently also located in San Diego). They don't get very far
FancyShark
Now THAT's a security system
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
I've been checking in periodically. Is this the first time they've been exploded this book?
FancyShark
First legit explosion, but there's been a lot of fire
gellaho
And smoke grenades, but this is the first boom
But not to worry
FancyShark
Explosions give you time like that
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
It's not a Hardy Boys book without an explosion giving Joe Hardy head trauma.
gellaho
Joe goes to the roof for a boss fight
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
He timed his roll properly. This looks like a soulslike.
gellaho
Rusty pipe vs Bullwhip
FancyShark
That sounds like a Streetbeefs card
gellaho
Entering Whip Scorpion's second phase
gellaho
Gotta recognize the Dumpster brand name
FancyShark
Or maybe Dumpster is a previously unknown character?
gellaho
Hanlon: unwilling to shoot the kook in the insect mask, willing to shoot the teens
John
It's what they call Chet after a visit to Golden Corral
FancyShark
The mighty roar of all four cylinders
gellaho
The secret name of Barry Johns's wife is finally revealed
FancyShark
Kinda seems like that'd be the first person you'd talk to, but I'm no cop
John
So they snuck into her backyard, coerced her to let them in her house, and never had the courtesy to ask her name? You heard her name was Phoebe Frank, you insensitive asshole?
gellaho
That was a different wife
There have been four kidnappings, so it is confusing
John
I stand by my assessment of Frank.
gellaho
Self financing never works out
FancyShark
"He never gambled. Except when he gambled"
gellaho
You know how people never want to buy popular comic book merch
FancyShark
They were adult toys
gellaho
Meta
FancyShark
duuuude
gellaho
that's a bold ghost writer there
FancyShark
What if this whole book was an elaborate threatening letter to Frank Dixon?
John
For people who don't know, this financial trouble is absolutely insane. This would have been written at the height of the mid-90s comics boom and a few years before the speculator crash.
gellaho
And now: Donkey Kong
FancyShark
It hit not far from the Dreadnought. So throwing it was pointless.
gellaho
Lol
gellaho
FancyShark
Then the real boulder hit, crushing them both
gellaho
But why though
gellaho
Why throw a fake boulder to deliver a ransom note
and why use gaffer tape
Maybe the Biggest Mo
style! Panache!
live a little!!
FancyShark
All we need now is a dwarf
gellaho
"Don't you fucking show up with a bunch of 1s you pieces of shit"
FancyShark
"Even a picture of Counselor Troi. We're very reasonable"
gellaho
"Oh, shit. The book is almost over. I better make some improbably obvious clues"
FancyShark
Just then, Joe remembered he thought comics were stupid and they decided to leave the hostages to die
gellaho
This dude in the cut off sweatshirt is really taking his time
FancyShark
"Also, my brother Dick is working on a TV show about police investigations-"
"Don't care. Later!"
gellaho
OK, so these stuntmen are the supervillains
gellaho
gellaho
The Hardys missed that, but
FancyShark
yeah
gellaho
It kind of has to be, everyone else is an old man
FancyShark
I hope it's actually Chet
gellaho
Glad we're being introduced to these anonymous stunt men now
So, Mr. Wolfe, have you been living under a rock this past week or what?
FancyShark
Thanks for not reporting any of this to the cops, Wolfe
gellaho
Jesus Christ
gellaho
Good thing Lenny threw that boulder
straight to all the evidence
FancyShark
"They also liked to kidnap people and hold them for ransom. Crazy dudes, man"
gellaho
"Better not throw a brick through her window with the note, I must throw a rock with my former business information."
"The former business that I'm mad at and the entire reason for this operation!"
FancyShark
"Good thing no one takes stock of anything in a prop department"
gellaho
Excuse me, what
gellaho
"Hey, Mr. Wolfe says to keep the ancient arrow catapult loaded at all times. Even in storage!"
FancyShark
"Alrighty. I'll make sure it's aiming at chest level"
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
If only we had a scientist here, someone who studies Lennys
gellaho
It's dove
FancyShark
THANK you
gellaho
If you are going to insist on this fake cliffhanger shit, get it right
FancyShark
So Frank was busy hiding in a corner? Just, cuz?
gellaho
Flame Fiend's Dazzler powers are more deadly than his flame throwing
FancyShark
That tearing? Flame Fiend's flesh and cartilage
gellaho
Then he just leaves
FancyShark
This has to be a sex thing at this point. You don't corner people you're trying to kill this much and leave them alive
gellaho
Ixnay on the Azzlerday
FancyShark
Wolfe was just a few feet away?
"Ayup, that sure sounds like a murderous guy I know. Yessir"
gellaho
They got shot in the eye by a laser? They should be blind
FancyShark
Free lasik surgery
gellaho
The secret move in this book is the hammerlock
FancyShark
Lenny greets everyone this way
gellaho
Special Effects wizards are typically buff dudes who hang out at Gold's Gym, right?
FancyShark
Absolutely
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
No but Big Lennys do that
gellaho
Incapacitating karate chop!
gellaho
Taking his Captain Kirk training
FancyShark
Frank has a razor in his hand
gellaho
God, these two suck
FancyShark
He wheelbarrowed him!
He used Brockway's technique!
gellaho
Chet hadn't had his magic pretzels that day
FancyShark
"Goddammit, Chet. I hope you lose feeling in your toes and fingers, you fat fuck"
gellaho
OK, now we're going full Looney Tunes
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
He has to get out and paint a tunnel
Read a book Frank
FancyShark
Pay no attention to the clothespins holding the curtain
gellaho
Hey kids, when you get old enough, drive your car through brick walls! They might be fake!
FancyShark
Wait, but that would mean the first guys drove through it too
gellaho
He had a garage door opener
FancyShark
ohhh
gellaho
A famously quick device
FancyShark
Works on the first try, always
gellaho
Chet: Dork until the end
Maybe the Biggest Mo
okay I admit that Chet needs to learn to read the room but
he still owns
FancyShark
Chet hanged himself that night
gellaho
Better leave the sexagenarians with the nerd
Maybe the Biggest Mo
nah, the narrative would insist that he would fumble the knot and fall through the chair he was standing on
then probably have him get comforted by other like-minded and incredibly supportive dorks offscreen
gellaho
Chet couldn't stop the groggy guy fleeing a gym, I'm sure he's got this
Maybe the Biggest Mo
Chet is a land of contrasts, is what I'm saying
FancyShark
Chet's probably telling the artists all about his idea for a comic book
gellaho
Joe needs at least five more clues to figure out Johns is crooked
gellaho
Get it together, Chet
FancyShark
"Hmm. It looks like Johns got the good cell"
Fuck you, Parente
gellaho
Frank is also a dumbass
FancyShark
As Johns shot Frank in the stomach, Frank thought it was odd how upset Johns looked, like he was frustrated at something
gellaho
I think you guys can give up the comic book gag
FancyShark
This is definitely the Make-A-Wish thing @John talked about
gellaho
Lasers
FancyShark
It's okay, Lenny. Lasers can't hurt eyes
Maybe the Biggest Mo
one thing this book absolutely gets right, is that I'm FB friends with a few retired stuntmen and absolutely every stunt performer is one degree of separation from someone who is really, really into whip tricks and/or throwing knives
gellaho
I think Chet might be Shaggy
gellaho
Well, Fat Shaggy
FancyShark
That was actually Chet's kiai. He's about to bring the pain.
gellaho
OK, these guys are just insane
FancyShark
I'm glad they can still find time to laugh
Maybe the Biggest Mo
it's important to enjoy your work!
gellaho
Spray paint > gun
Spray paint > flame thrower
Spray paint > bullwhip
Maybe the Biggest Mo
oh my god
paint karate
FancyShark
Karate!
Maybe the Biggest Mo
THAT'S how we defeat the Gracies!
gellaho
I see that the mop handle was clever foreshadowing to broom handle
FancyShark
"Great aim, asshole. Not like you could've aimed for their backs or legs."
"Fuck you!"
gellaho
Jesus Frank, you're supposed to be the smart one
FancyShark
🤦♂️
gellaho
I think the boys are having a stupid contest
Maybe the Biggest Mo
my god, man, what if they move on to a rake handle! Or a shovel handle!!
y'know what? Chet is trying something. And a stupid crazy idea is better than no idea.
FancyShark
Chet's used to being cornered. He's in his element
Maybe the Biggest Mo
to paraphrase Seanbaby, there are far worse final thoughts than "that would have been so fucking sweet if it had worked"
gellaho
Perfect plan. Luckily, they don't have anyone that can destroy cloth by fire
gellaho
Wait
FancyShark
Icarus reads this and is like "seriously?"
gellaho
The true hero was the broom handle all along
gellaho
These books are always stupid in their own unique ways
FancyShark
Chet just Macgyver'd them wingsuits because he rules
gellaho
Hmm
gellaho
It worked for Chet, eh
must be a powerful fan
John
Frank, we could have just stacked some boxes...no, we're going with the insane wingsuit and windmachine idea? All right then you crazy bastard.
FancyShark
Chet, how are you out of breath from floating?
gellaho
Watch out Frank! Those blades are slowly turning!
Maybe the Biggest Mo
psychic powers are exhausting, lay off!
FancyShark
Dreadnought can't believe they set this up for him
gellaho
It was close, Frank was almost totally shredded by those slowly moving fan blades
FancyShark
Flame Fiend just wanted to be included
gellaho
"Let's go confirm the kill, Joe!"
FancyShark
"Get the steel rods and pliers!"
gellaho
Real bang up job, boys
FancyShark
Shoulda left them with Chet
gellaho
Joe, how do you even know how to breathe
gellaho
FancyShark
Frank...just...goddammit
gellaho
Dues Ex Copina
FancyShark
Whoa, Frank, what the hell?
gellaho
It's not a great look to call the only black character ugly
John
Or have him wear a rumpled suit.
gellaho
Counterfeit comic books!? Now that's too far, book 'em boys
John
At least let him dress well if you're gonna make him ugly.
FancyShark
Hanlon doesn't believe them. He just wants them to stop talking.
John
I wish the writer would have settled on his possessive for Johns. I saw Johns', John's, and Johns's in the book.
gellaho
Primary motivation for a multiple kidnapping: vanity
gellaho
sure
FancyShark
Insurance. Called it!
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Hahaha the insurance money!
FancyShark
Did not call the vanity stuff though
gellaho
One more cry for help from the ghost writer
FancyShark
"You hear me, Dixon? I WILL BURN YOU ALIVE!"
gellaho
Ahahahahahahaahaha
FancyShark
lol
Maybe the Biggest Mo
kink confirmed
FancyShark
I knew it was a sex thing!
Okay, Johns is in the lead for stupidest plan reasoning while ASSASSINS are still in the lead for most convoluted
gellaho
"That's fucking weird, Chet."
FancyShark
"No one's allowed to tell anyone what happens there."
"Chet, listen, we're telling you it's a bad idea."
gellaho
We end with Joe's full metamorphosis into incel
FancyShark
"I'm gonna fuck Chet, is what I'm saying"
gellaho
Intriguing
FancyShark
Wow. Every Russian stereotype in one package!
John
Bullshit. No school would invite these two for anything.
gellaho
Maybe the Biggest Mo
okay ngl I actually like a bunch of comic book creators calling their band "Seduction of the Innocent"
I can't tell if it's clever or I'm just screwed
FancyShark
It's juuuust creepy enough to keep you guessing
Maybe the Biggest Mo
well I mean "seduction of the innocent" was also in large part a lot of moral panic "think of the children" stuff
gellaho
The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #42: The Last Laugh has been defeated!
FancyShark
Thanks @gellaho !
gellaho
De nada
Maybe the Biggest Mo
yeah this is the first one I was fully here for and, while I was still incredibly brain-dead as usual for a Friday evening, it was fun!
