John
Except for in Bad Rap, I don't think they've ever been paid or hired to do investigations. That makes them, by the literal definition, amateurs.
24: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #42: The Last Laugh Franklin W. Dixon
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When comic book killers get serious, the action heats up.
Archive
Maybe the Biggest Mo
oh yeah?
then why did they get kicked out of the Olympics
gellaho
Tom is this red headed nerd they met
FancyShark
I like Hanlon
John
Because Joe sexually harassed half the women athletes and told the other half they were the inferior sex.
Maybe the Biggest Mo
and Chet got done up for doping, right, right, okay, I remember now
gellaho
And apparently a kleptomaniac
FancyShark
Oh no. Johns had a rib collection, didn't he?
oh, nvm
John
Ah yes, the Hardys and their famously rigid respect for rules of evidence and police procedure.
FancyShark
How many people were in that room?
gellaho
He "saved" the strongman Joe was slobbering over
gellaho
Frank attempts to karate fire
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Yes
Good
I'm at the vet right now so I'm going to have to catch up
Maybe the Biggest Mo
hey let's be fair, UFC 1 hadn't happened yet, we didn't know that karate didn't work against fire
FancyShark
Flame Fiend eyed Chet.
"Not bad," he thought.
gellaho
You could try following the Flame Fiend, Frank
FancyShark
Flame Fiend loves his job
Maybe the Biggest Mo
use karate, you wuss!
wait, fuck
gellaho
FUCKIN SWEET
FancyShark
No, Mo's right! Suplex the fire!
Greg
Classic mistake for an author to call a guy big and not give a chest circumference
gellaho
I can't expect this ghostwriter to match the brilliance of JD Masters
Synchronized fire escape
FancyShark
See, because fat floats
gellaho
Frank is confused about why people might applaud two teens diving from a flaming third floor hotel room
FancyShark
"It's called 'joy', Frank. It's a human thing"
Also, if I'm going too far with the fat jokes, someone please let me know
gellaho
Kidnapping #4 - Strong
gellaho
You have to keep that vital ninja star evidence
FancyShark
Ninja don't wear gloves, it's true
gellaho
Oof, only $100,000? That's embarrassing
FancyShark
"We will take payment in the form of a Counselor Troi impersonator's phone number"
gellaho
It's Bugarr!
FancyShark
Whaaaaaaaaat
Maybe the Biggest Mo
I am taking the fat jokes as you making fun of how the story treats Chet, who owns, so I getcha
gellaho
Lol, they both drop the old man
FancyShark
Strong's bones snap like stale breadsticks
gellaho
Stop promising me Joe death
gellaho
Joe has impossible grip strength
Greg
God damn it
FancyShark
Joe's like eight feet off the ground by this point
Greg
Every time I am hoping for something, anything, bad to happen to Joe
I know it never will but I still hope
gellaho
And Chet has the kind of impossible strength only potato chips can bring you
Greg
I'm not counting all of Joe's dead girlfriends as something bad happening because he can't feel love
FancyShark
Consecutive Heart Attacks Grip!
Greg
(Shit was this Frank?)
FancyShark
Frank can't feel love and Joe doesn't deserve love. It's a fine line.
gellaho
That was Joe
Frank has had a steady girlfriend, but he is also a robot who cannot give hu-man love
Greg
I'm a little proud that Hardy lore slides right off my brain the same way I'm proud that Steele lore sticks there forever
Maybe the Biggest Mo
Chet fucking rules, what the hell
FancyShark
Which sucks because his girlfriend was awesome
gellaho
"That's just like him to use comic book costumes for revenge!"
FancyShark
Mean = Stupid Plans
gellaho
It's too bad her clone was bisected by a pendulum
I think eye squint + lip bite is the worst expression
gellaho
In order to pull that off, you have to scrunch your entire face
FancyShark
That's a toilet grimace
gellaho
The Hardys investigations are basically just blackmailing people for information
FancyShark
Be a shame if something happened to this place
gellaho
The Hardys investigate the Zenith comic offices (conveniently also located in San Diego). They don't get very far
FancyShark
Now THAT's a security system
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
I've been checking in periodically. Is this the first time they've been exploded this book?
FancyShark
First legit explosion, but there's been a lot of fire
gellaho
And smoke grenades, but this is the first boom
But not to worry
FancyShark
Explosions give you time like that
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
It's not a Hardy Boys book without an explosion giving Joe Hardy head trauma.
gellaho
Joe goes to the roof for a boss fight
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
He timed his roll properly. This looks like a soulslike.
gellaho
Rusty pipe vs Bullwhip
FancyShark
That sounds like a Streetbeefs card
gellaho
Entering Whip Scorpion's second phase
gellaho
Gotta recognize the Dumpster brand name
FancyShark
Or maybe Dumpster is a previously unknown character?
gellaho
Hanlon: unwilling to shoot the kook in the insect mask, willing to shoot the teens
John
It's what they call Chet after a visit to Golden Corral
FancyShark
The mighty roar of all four cylinders
gellaho
The secret name of Barry Johns's wife is finally revealed
FancyShark
Kinda seems like that'd be the first person you'd talk to, but I'm no cop
John
So they snuck into her backyard, coerced her to let them in her house, and never had the courtesy to ask her name? You heard her name was Phoebe Frank, you insensitive asshole?
gellaho
That was a different wife
There have been four kidnappings, so it is confusing
John
I stand by my assessment of Frank.
gellaho
Self financing never works out
FancyShark
"He never gambled. Except when he gambled"
gellaho
You know how people never want to buy popular comic book merch
FancyShark
They were adult toys
gellaho
Meta
FancyShark
duuuude
gellaho
that's a bold ghost writer there
FancyShark
What if this whole book was an elaborate threatening letter to Frank Dixon?
John
For people who don't know, this financial trouble is absolutely insane. This would have been written at the height of the mid-90s comics boom and a few years before the speculator crash.
gellaho
And now: Donkey Kong
FancyShark
It hit not far from the Dreadnought. So throwing it was pointless.
gellaho
Lol
gellaho
FancyShark
Then the real boulder hit, crushing them both
gellaho
But why though
gellaho
Why throw a fake boulder to deliver a ransom note
and why use gaffer tape
Maybe the Biggest Mo
style! Panache!
live a little!!
FancyShark
All we need now is a dwarf
gellaho
"Don't you fucking show up with a bunch of 1s you pieces of shit"
FancyShark
"Even a picture of Counselor Troi. We're very reasonable"
gellaho
"Oh, shit. The book is almost over. I better make some improbably obvious clues"
FancyShark
Just then, Joe remembered he thought comics were stupid and they decided to leave the hostages to die
gellaho
This dude in the cut off sweatshirt is really taking his time
FancyShark
"Also, my brother Dick is working on a TV show about police investigations-"
"Don't care. Later!"
gellaho
OK, so these stuntmen are the supervillains
gellaho
gellaho
The Hardys missed that, but
FancyShark
yeah
gellaho
It kind of has to be, everyone else is an old man
FancyShark
I hope it's actually Chet
gellaho
Glad we're being introduced to these anonymous stunt men now
So, Mr. Wolfe, have you been living under a rock this past week or what?
FancyShark
Thanks for not reporting any of this to the cops, Wolfe
gellaho
Jesus Christ
gellaho
Good thing Lenny threw that boulder
straight to all the evidence
FancyShark
"They also liked to kidnap people and hold them for ransom. Crazy dudes, man"
gellaho
"Better not throw a brick through her window with the note, I must throw a rock with my former business information."
"The former business that I'm mad at and the entire reason for this operation!"
FancyShark
"Good thing no one takes stock of anything in a prop department"
gellaho
Excuse me, what
gellaho
"Hey, Mr. Wolfe says to keep the ancient arrow catapult loaded at all times. Even in storage!"
FancyShark
"Alrighty. I'll make sure it's aiming at chest level"
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
If only we had a scientist here, someone who studies Lennys
gellaho
It's dove
FancyShark
THANK you
gellaho
If you are going to insist on this fake cliffhanger shit, get it right
FancyShark
So Frank was busy hiding in a corner? Just, cuz?
gellaho
Flame Fiend's Dazzler powers are more deadly than his flame throwing
FancyShark
That tearing? Flame Fiend's flesh and cartilage
gellaho
Then he just leaves
FancyShark
This has to be a sex thing at this point. You don't corner people you're trying to kill this much and leave them alive
gellaho
Ixnay on the Azzlerday
FancyShark
Wolfe was just a few feet away?
"Ayup, that sure sounds like a murderous guy I know. Yessir"
gellaho
They got shot in the eye by a laser? They should be blind
FancyShark
Free lasik surgery
gellaho
The secret move in this book is the hammerlock
FancyShark
Lenny greets everyone this way
gellaho
Special Effects wizards are typically buff dudes who hang out at Gold's Gym, right?
FancyShark
Absolutely
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
No but Big Lennys do that
gellaho
Incapacitating karate chop!
gellaho
Taking his Captain Kirk training
FancyShark
Frank has a razor in his hand
gellaho
God, these two suck
FancyShark
He wheelbarrowed him!
He used Brockway's technique!
gellaho
Chet hadn't had his magic pretzels that day
FancyShark
"Goddammit, Chet. I hope you lose feeling in your toes and fingers, you fat fuck"
gellaho
OK, now we're going full Looney Tunes
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
He has to get out and paint a tunnel
Read a book Frank
FancyShark
Pay no attention to the clothespins holding the curtain
gellaho
Hey kids, when you get old enough, drive your car through brick walls! They might be fake!
FancyShark
Wait, but that would mean the first guys drove through it too
gellaho
He had a garage door opener
FancyShark
ohhh
gellaho
A famously quick device
FancyShark
Works on the first try, always
gellaho
Chet: Dork until the end
Maybe the Biggest Mo
okay I admit that Chet needs to learn to read the room but
he still owns
FancyShark
Chet hanged himself that night
gellaho
Better leave the sexagenarians with the nerd
Maybe the Biggest Mo
nah, the narrative would insist that he would fumble the knot and fall through the chair he was standing on
then probably have him get comforted by other like-minded and incredibly supportive dorks offscreen
gellaho
Chet couldn't stop the groggy guy fleeing a gym, I'm sure he's got this
Maybe the Biggest Mo
Chet is a land of contrasts, is what I'm saying
FancyShark
Chet's probably telling the artists all about his idea for a comic book
gellaho
Joe needs at least five more clues to figure out Johns is crooked
gellaho
Get it together, Chet
FancyShark
"Hmm. It looks like Johns got the good cell"
Fuck you, Parente
gellaho
Frank is also a dumbass
FancyShark
As Johns shot Frank in the stomach, Frank thought it was odd how upset Johns looked, like he was frustrated at something
gellaho
I think you guys can give up the comic book gag
FancyShark
This is definitely the Make-A-Wish thing @John talked about
gellaho
Lasers
FancyShark
It's okay, Lenny. Lasers can't hurt eyes
Maybe the Biggest Mo
one thing this book absolutely gets right, is that I'm FB friends with a few retired stuntmen and absolutely every stunt performer is one degree of separation from someone who is really, really into whip tricks and/or throwing knives
gellaho
I think Chet might be Shaggy
gellaho
Well, Fat Shaggy
FancyShark
That was actually Chet's kiai. He's about to bring the pain.
gellaho
OK, these guys are just insane
FancyShark
I'm glad they can still find time to laugh
Maybe the Biggest Mo
it's important to enjoy your work!
gellaho
Spray paint > gun
Spray paint > flame thrower
Spray paint > bullwhip
Maybe the Biggest Mo
oh my god
paint karate
FancyShark
Karate!
Maybe the Biggest Mo
THAT'S how we defeat the Gracies!
gellaho
I see that the mop handle was clever foreshadowing to broom handle
FancyShark
"Great aim, asshole. Not like you could've aimed for their backs or legs."
"Fuck you!"
gellaho
Jesus Frank, you're supposed to be the smart one
FancyShark
🤦♂️
gellaho
I think the boys are having a stupid contest
Maybe the Biggest Mo
my god, man, what if they move on to a rake handle! Or a shovel handle!!
y'know what? Chet is trying something. And a stupid crazy idea is better than no idea.
FancyShark
Chet's used to being cornered. He's in his element
Maybe the Biggest Mo
to paraphrase Seanbaby, there are far worse final thoughts than "that would have been so fucking sweet if it had worked"
gellaho
Perfect plan. Luckily, they don't have anyone that can destroy cloth by fire
gellaho
Wait
FancyShark
Icarus reads this and is like "seriously?"
gellaho
The true hero was the broom handle all along
gellaho
These books are always stupid in their own unique ways
FancyShark
Chet just Macgyver'd them wingsuits because he rules
gellaho
Hmm
gellaho
It worked for Chet, eh
must be a powerful fan
John
Frank, we could have just stacked some boxes...no, we're going with the insane wingsuit and windmachine idea? All right then you crazy bastard.
FancyShark
Chet, how are you out of breath from floating?
gellaho
Watch out Frank! Those blades are slowly turning!
Maybe the Biggest Mo
psychic powers are exhausting, lay off!
FancyShark
Dreadnought can't believe they set this up for him
gellaho
It was close, Frank was almost totally shredded by those slowly moving fan blades
FancyShark
Flame Fiend just wanted to be included
gellaho
"Let's go confirm the kill, Joe!"
FancyShark
"Get the steel rods and pliers!"
gellaho
Real bang up job, boys
FancyShark
Shoulda left them with Chet
gellaho
Joe, how do you even know how to breathe
gellaho
FancyShark
Frank...just...goddammit
gellaho
Dues Ex Copina
FancyShark
Whoa, Frank, what the hell?
gellaho
It's not a great look to call the only black character ugly
John
Or have him wear a rumpled suit.
gellaho
Counterfeit comic books!? Now that's too far, book 'em boys
John
At least let him dress well if you're gonna make him ugly.
FancyShark
Hanlon doesn't believe them. He just wants them to stop talking.
John
I wish the writer would have settled on his possessive for Johns. I saw Johns', John's, and Johns's in the book.
gellaho
Primary motivation for a multiple kidnapping: vanity
gellaho
sure
FancyShark
Insurance. Called it!
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Hahaha the insurance money!
FancyShark
Did not call the vanity stuff though
gellaho
One more cry for help from the ghost writer
FancyShark
"You hear me, Dixon? I WILL BURN YOU ALIVE!"
gellaho
Ahahahahahahaahaha
FancyShark
lol
Maybe the Biggest Mo
kink confirmed
FancyShark
I knew it was a sex thing!
Okay, Johns is in the lead for stupidest plan reasoning while ASSASSINS are still in the lead for most convoluted
gellaho
"That's fucking weird, Chet."
FancyShark
"No one's allowed to tell anyone what happens there."
"Chet, listen, we're telling you it's a bad idea."
gellaho
We end with Joe's full metamorphosis into incel
FancyShark
"I'm gonna fuck Chet, is what I'm saying"
gellaho
Intriguing
FancyShark
Wow. Every Russian stereotype in one package!
John
Bullshit. No school would invite these two for anything.
gellaho
Maybe the Biggest Mo
okay ngl I actually like a bunch of comic book creators calling their band "Seduction of the Innocent"
I can't tell if it's clever or I'm just screwed
FancyShark
It's juuuust creepy enough to keep you guessing
Maybe the Biggest Mo
well I mean "seduction of the innocent" was also in large part a lot of moral panic "think of the children" stuff
gellaho
The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #42: The Last Laugh has been defeated!
FancyShark
Thanks @gellaho !
gellaho
De nada
Maybe the Biggest Mo
yeah this is the first one I was fully here for and, while I was still incredibly brain-dead as usual for a Friday evening, it was fun!
gellaho
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