It's time for another Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) book poll. I have selected three Hardy aerial adventures, react with the appropriate emoji to vote for which one you want me to read:
âī¸ #47 Flight into Danger
đ #72 Screamers
đŠī¸ #79 Danger Unlimited
The theme is aircraft hating the hardy boys
The aircraft are wise
All three look promising, but they're both so dead in that first one.
Screamers has the worst tag line and also a bad guy with an eye patch so I'm in
Danger unlimited ripping off the iconic scene in north by northwest
They're all bad in their own special ways
Damn, didn't notice the eye patch. I'm keeping my vote as is or I'll be at this all day.
Who will be the brave soul to break the tie
@gellaho You may have to make an executive decision
I voted eyepatch.
The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) aerial adventure will be #72 Screamers! Will Joe Hardy fall out of a helicopter to his death? Will this book set up the excellent #73 Bad Rap? Will the screamers from Steele show up? All these questions will be answered this Friday, 5pm eastern!
@Brockway Gimme that sweet, sweet pin
You know I'm banking on the Screamers from Steele showing up
I know there won't be, but if there is a reference to Randy Rand I will lose my shit
I also really like that eyepatch man is trying to prevent a scream, as though someone might hear that over a helecopter
Half an hour until Hardy Boys Casefiles #72: Screamers!
I've started saving a lot of the photoshopped images you upload because they're too good to be contained to just Discord
I'm trying to put together bingo cards for us to play along with. Anyone have any ideas?
Off the top of my head you have
1) Instant undermining of danger
2) Joe hates women
3) Karate
4) Frank knows something a child shouldn't
5) Pointless eating
This one seems like it'll have some dumb computer stuff
I have 4 of the 5 already, didn't have #2 or pointless computers
There's the preview
I think they just used the scene they told the illustrator to draw.
Which I guess makes sense.
Alright, the free tool I used online only let me generate 8 cards, but that should be enough. I don't want to spam the chat with a bunch of images, so if you want one, let me know.
Tampering with evidence is a big one.
Dammit, I thought about that but forgot to add it.
Or more generally interfering with investigations, i guess
I have Police should have sent them home, so that's kinda in the same ball park
I know a lot of people are on their phones, but you can use this link to play:
https://bingobaker.com/#0b9a32006f5ec276
This was a popular book at Prince George's County Memorial Library
Something about that 1997 to 2XXX gap amuses me. Like there was a 3 year period where kids knew this book sucked, but we forgot in 2000.
The alignment of those stamps tells a sad tale about the state of that librarian.
"It's sorta aligned"
The Hardy Boys are in Chicago for this one
Evanco software and... Travel Agencies?
I have a character named Evans who owns a computer company. What should it be called? Why did I decide to write a book about computers but don't know anything about them?
What do computer whizzes do? Build computers? They build stuff, right?
In the fifties, you really couldn't fit more than one computer in a building.
Of course Joe likes puns
Of course
I bet Shakes loved the Hardy boys books unironically
These two idiots are never in school
A private investigator is going to lecture about police procedures?
So their dad, a PI, is giving a talk to a computer company about police records?
Damn, beat me by 10 seconds, @FancyShark
It bears repeating!
I could never come up with a more backwards speaker/audience scenario.
Yeah, this is how that works
All that explosive material in computers
Yes...that's how all viruses work.
electronic mail! This writer thinks computers are for losers
Phishing scams are going to destroy this world.
Computers work just like the consoles on Star Trek.
Golly jeepers, electronic mail viruses!
Joe has spotted two women. This should end well
It's so weird that the girls are also blonde and brunette. Thank God the Hardys don't fuck.
Oooh who you got going after the short and plump one?
Women in computers? Impossible
You know Joe has awful thoughts about "fat chicks"
Both of them definitely want the pancake ass so it's probably neither
Everyone knows you wear your Sunday best to work on computers.
Listen, only nerds work on computers and they only own Star Wars shirts and Scotch-taped glasses
Beepers are hilarious to women
Look, some of us wear bowties and pocket protectors.
"It's a valid question. What's so funny about checking your beeper?"
I actually sought out a pocket protector once because I kept getting ink on my shirts. There's nothing wrong with them!
Just happen to run into the boss's daughter, sure
The "top brass in the industry" are going to listen to a PI tell computer programmers how the program they wrote works. I know we've already covered this, but that is fucking crazy.
Joe is still trying to work through the bit about a woman being good at computers.
"Listen up, nerds. Here's how you work the beep-boop machines."
This kidnapping happened quick
They were able to get past all the security by being inconspicuous.
I want to get mad, but it is true, you have to have both eyes to be a computer exec
This is moving refreshingly quickly.
If only they had given this talk to a room full of cops like they should have!
The Hardys' father stage-whispered, like the trained thespian he is
The security that was nowhere near the owner's daughter.
You're fucking 17 and made of meat. Guns can kill you Joe, you absolute idiot.
This last statement is odd
I don't like where this is going. They better just have really bitchin' tans.
Is there a usual shade for the skin of a goon, Joe?
Great plan
"Quick! Gouge out his remaining eye!"
Joe is useless
You get a ring of onlookers when someone's waving a gun around the same room?
Seems like security should have shown up by now.
It is Chicago. They could be recovering from lunch still.
I was on my way, but I saw someone put ketchup on his hot dog, so I had to rough him up a bit first.
They ended up getting away with the girl anyway
See, waving a gun at a crowd is exactly the thing we were trying to avoid, Joe. That's why your plan is dumb.
The elevator, a perfect way to escape a skyscraper as it stops at every floor on the way down.
Okay, seriously. Shots fired. What the hell cops?
OK, sure, masks. With the eyepatch over the mask
Hopefully a mask. Otherwise, fuck
It probably takes a while to get to the 120th floor
Why there isn't security at the party, who knows
Listen, I like to wear my Halloween mask until New Years. What do you mean I look suspicious. It's a prop gun, but the eyepatch is real.
But their dad explicitly said there is security.
Paul just schooled all three of them
My money's on him being the bad guy
Jesus, Joe is dumb
"Where is that damned elevator! I need to go up a floor"
It's okay. They're only armed and have a high-value hostage. We've got...wait
And they've proven they can kick the Hardys' asses, so really at this point, they're heroes.
Kareem is so rude, I don't know why he would upset. He's only been gagged and tied up to a chair
Yeah, this is Charge of the Light Brigade now
Kareem Abdul Jabbar is too long to write. How do I shorten it?
Wait, how do you rudely invite someone to tea?
We're already to the cover I guess
Yeah, no way all that shit is going to interfere with any signals they're trying to send or receive.
Dare I hope that Joe falls to his death?
Coward
Yes!
Yeah, Joe, I'm sure her eyes told you to save yourself
And, danger averted
dammit
Boo! Fuck you book.
Fenton is wondering if his kid acts this dumb when he's not around.
All that happened and TWO guards show up?
Are the rest putting down a robot uprising?
The center control room for this network is in a room constructed on the roof
Listen computers have networks, okay. Networks and programs. That's all I know.
"We're also setting up a virtual gathering place to talk with other people. We're calling it...Friendster."
ExAcTlY
So this is from 1993
I guess the author hadn't heard of the internet
Seems like research you should have already done, Fenton.
So having labs, military research, universities, etc already connected to each other isn't special?
This is going through the phone lines... But it needs to be constructed on the roof to eliminate interference?
Also, they've already been linked together for decades at this point.
Where does he think phone lines are? They aren't 120 stories in the air
No interference except for MULTIPLE GENERATORS AND RELAYS CRAMMED TOGETHER
And a helipad, apparently.
This is nonsense
notoriously compact things, helipads
This idiot thinks the internet comes from satellites
But sure, set up your one of a kind supercomputer next to the spinning death blade area.
Also, do you just work here? You're too "unusually dark" to have designed this.
Computers also work notoriously well when exposed to heat, sunlight, rain
"You'd be willing to risk your life for strangers? Impossible!"
Technically it's inside a big metal room without windows
I'm sure it can't get hot in there
Ah, checks out slightly more but yeah, I imagine heat is still an issue
Everyone knows when a woman is in danger that you leave her to the consequences of her being a woman.
To be fair, they only knew one of them was armed, so it was just barely crazy to attack them.
Goons were on a one weapon honor system in the early 90's, it's true.
Here's withholding evidence
Bullshit the cops didn't search them already
"We also thought the phalanx of security guards for the daughter of the biggest computer whiz in the world would be able to handle it."
There goes Joe, accusing the black guy
We have our list of suspects! Kareem, Jamal, and DeShawn
Joe, you're in Chicago. I fucking dare you to take that talk to the south side.
Everyone else seems clean to me!
Kareem has already been tazed 3 times by now.
Before they knew he worked there.
Seems like the kind of school the daughter of a software magnate would go to
They call it the Harvard of Central Illinois (not counting Chicago)
That sounds like a diploma mill scam.
Double I, they cleverly called it
Illinois sucks at branding with their schools
She's one of those militant open source pinkos
Like was the Hardy Boys guy worried he would get sued if he mentioned Wash U?
Not only is she a nerd, she's a Linux nerd.
Frank with the 4-D thinking
"She fucking kidnapped herself, man."
Bitches be lying
Yes, HAHAHAHAHAHA
Hahahah
Yesssss
You just got a VIRUS son!
Fucking Windows Update, amirite?
All computers in the 90s came with bomb raid sirens
I can't believe it either
It almost seems impossible
That's 3 out of 4 books where Joe has just eaten shit from an explosion
By my count, Joe has survived 4 explosions
that's one for the bingo card
There were two in the karate book
Was there C4 in every component? Even if a desktop did explode, it's mostly a shell. It'd burn the top of a desk at most.
So they stood around for 45 seconds?
To be fair, this is the perfect way to hide your browsing history from a spouse.
The transformer? The computer isn't made out of power line parts
<Me, an idiot> The writer doesn't know anything about computers, but maybe they at least know basic eletric.....oh, never mind.
I mean, there's a transformer in the power supply, but that doesn't have anything to do with software.
I have so many questions I don't know what to ask
How...?
Why...?
You know what? This is being explained by the PI that was going to tell cops how software works. I trust him implicitly.
The alternative is 10 years of education and experience demanding computers be explained to the author as violently as possible.
I remember when I read these as a kid, the boys were always in awe of their father when he showed up. Now I realize he sucks as bad as them.
The mom was clearly the smart one. She left.
And Aunt Gertrude who, to my recollection, her only role was to be the nag (aka "the woman")
Oh shit Paulette is about to leverage her Double I connections
Did she whisper or stage-whisper that? It's very important I know.
Why don't you just reverse-engineer the virus and make the bad guy's computer explode, Paulette? I guarantee that's possible in this land of make-believe.
Step 1: Virus
Step 2: Computers explode
Step 3: ?
Step 4: Profit
Step 3: Geek Squad
I'm having a minor issue with ants on my patio, give me a second. They've swarmed my laptop
gross
They're not crazy ants, are they? Those things are scary. They just flood into electronics until the devices overheat from the fans being clogged with dead bugs. Apparently they're drawn to electricity.
Father Hardy is a masterful PI
"Kids, computers just explode. Don't read into it."
They're tiny things. I think they were attracted to my drink. Which is alcoholic so they were killing themselves
Ha! Serves 'em right.
Does this book not know what PIs are? They don't just investigate shit for fun. People hire them and then they take pictures of fat guys cheating on their wives.
Maybe Hardy does all of this to hide from his kids that no one will hire him.
"Holy shit you kids are really playing detective? You know when I said I was doing that I meant I was blowing guys for $10, right?"
"Whaddaya think 'private dick' is?!"
If this ends up being a stunt to get daddy's attention, I'm not going to be happy
I like that all his hang-ups are the same hang-up. You better be pissing in jars and saving it before invoking a Howard Hughes comparison.
his hang-ups are like, the standard practices of everyone in 2020
He washes his hands like some kind of snob. "Eww, gross."
To his credit, no one's going to blow him up when he won't go near anything potentially dirty. He'd have to install a new keyboard every time he sat down.
and this is the 90's, so if the keyboard didn't work you'd have to wait 2-3 weeks for someone to ship the right drivers to you on 38 floppy disks
I must have missed when they started calling the exploding computers "Screamers"
You know, that thing computers do
Steele and Hardy Boys mash-up everyone!
Like R2-D2
Dammit book. Don't you invoke a cult classic film just because you thought of a weird name.
this just leads me to believe hardy dad's PI gig is just a sex thing
"Oh, that's what we call a 'screamer' in the biz." "What is, Dad?" "It's when a client is really into it and gets really voc-...it's a computer that blows up."
"It's a computer that blows."
"Oh, you mean like an explosion?"
"...Sure."
Joe continues to blame the dark-skinned computer nerd
Joe just can't not be the worst Hardy in a given situation
None of the thousands of security guards on every floor, Joe?
Computer explosions will destroy us all
It's too bad the book edits out every time Joe and Frank, literal children, ask for information from people trying to do their job, and they just get their asses handed to them.
Fuckin, computer wizard Mike over here
people are remarkably candid to a couple of nosy punk-ass teenagers
"It'll bring about the end of mankind. We'll fix that in a patch."
The expert is a college student?
It's not our fault no one reads the EULA. We're clearly not liable.
Paulette's an expert on screamers? Yeah girl! Get it!
wow a nerd girl in 93, very progressive
she's...probably going to be the one responsible
So what I'm reading is that Matrix is in the phone lines causing computers to explode, and Paulette is an expert on zombies
Dammit...yeah. Probably out of jealousy of the kidnapped girl being the CEO's daughter
I don't know about this fired guy's relationship with a girl who is still in college
Why is it that every book we read has men hooking up with inappropriately young girls?
it's the 90s
Back in the 80s dudes loved to bang high school chicks apparently
Just once I want one to say, "She was pretty, but 10 years younger than him, so they had no common interests and it would have felt wrong."
Hell yeah, Rolodex
"This will never go out of style. But let's still explain how it works."
If these guys could fly the helicopter, did they just kidnap this pilot as a fun prank?
"We're stealing your helicopter and taking you along as a witness. Don't tell anyone."
I assume they thought that shooting the pilot would be too gruesome for a kids book
This is more of a lunch arrangement than an exchange of information
Paulette is looking to get down with the boys
Paulette is the only person displaying common sense
I love that she's like I had to lie to you because I don't trust you, but trust me now
I think there are conservatively 18 suspects
All good parenting involves luring the child.
"Don't call the police, I'm sure campus security can handle it"
Why call real cops when you can call mall cops?
Yeah, Paulette. A man calls the cops when he decides, not when a...a not-man decides.
Why wouldn't you tell the police about this
Lol
Turns out I knew who was behind this the whole time