gellaho
It's been a long time coming, but it's finally time for Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #69 (nice): Mayhem in Motion! Will the murder be solved or will Joe be too distracted by cartoon dogs? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
22: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #69: Mayhem in Motion Franklin W. Dixon
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Draw the line against crime, and you're sure to find plenty of live-action danger.
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gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway Pin this message before the Hardy Boys pin you for the murder
You Think This P is For Proxy?
"Damn it joe why is the drug sniffing dog so pissed at you?"
"Fuck yourself, Frank! That's why!"
FancyShark
Joe is watching his brother get mauled by a dog and he's never been more turned on. (edited)
Brockway
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Brockway
They'll never catch me - I'm going to hide in an old mine!
GDCommando!
Is that a My Pet Monster poster in the back?
FancyShark
Yep!
gellaho
30 minutes until Mayhem in Motion
gellaho
Here's your preview
drift king (dk) jakesy
Oh god they're going to murder so many dogs
FancyShark
A young Michael Vick read this and knew his destiny
Emergency K-Hammer Cerril
Murder! Those! Dogs!
FancyShark
Yes! BINGO!
gellaho
The back of the book says they will use the art of illusion
So I'm hoping for magic
drift king (dk) jakesy
Or illusion to dogs, which don't have object permanence
The illusion will be like Frank pretending to throw a ball to get away
FancyShark
GDCommando!
I'm betting on Joe Hardy failing to pick up a woman with close up magic.
gellaho
Oh, I wish
FancyShark
He would be all about sawing a woman in half
GDCommando!
I just really want to see Joe fuck up a card trick and get laughed at.
gellaho
Starting with Joe, not great
FancyShark
I'm more impressed we're actually seeing them in school
gellaho
Joe has spotted a new female
FancyShark
Joe never laughs when he sees a woman
gellaho
This girl seems to already pissed off the Mafia
GDCommando!
Joe's question "who's that" was just establishing plausible deniability.
FancyShark
He'll soon have her putting the lotion in the basket
gellaho
Classic "I'll call a tow truck" pickup line
gellaho
I guess
FancyShark
"It does? Wow, no. I'd never hit on someone as awful as you"
GDCommando!
Lady, that's not a pickup line he is literally luring you into his van.
gellaho
This is the exact wrong answer
GDCommando!
That's not what she asked, Joe. Stop avoiding the question.
FancyShark
"I didn't spend all weekend hosing child blood out of the back of a fucking truck"
gellaho
"It's quiet if you ignore the constant crime"
FancyShark
"You're not an ASSASSIN clone, are you?"
Squat-Style Adrienne
“Also ignore our constant presence at or in the vicinity of said crimes”
gellaho
Maybe Vanessa is trying to murder Joe
FancyShark
It's the classic serial-killer faux pas of intruding on another killer's territory
GDCommando!
I like to think she's being sarcastic there.
Squat-Style Adrienne
gellaho
Vanessa lives in a weird farm
gellaho
Squat-Style Adrienne
Vanessa, honey, you went from “ew go away creepy van guy” to holding hands with creepy van guy REAL quick
FancyShark
"So, planning a terrorism?"
gellaho
All the best cartoons are made in converted barns
Squat-Style Adrienne
“We can help! We have a van!”
GDCommando!
At least one of those computers is seconds away from blowing up in Joe's face.
Exploding computers is Hardy Universe canon.
FancyShark
"Rex Rover? Did you guys even have a second idea?"
gellaho
Whoever wrote this book should sue Stephen Spielberg
gellaho
This was written in 199
FancyShark
Nobody tell them about South Korea
GDCommando!
Toy Story is already in development at this point.
gellaho
I can't believe someone stole Animaniacs from the Hardy Boys
FancyShark
Yeah. WTF, Spielberg?
gellaho
"Joe thought they belonged in the freak show"
FancyShark
Tall redheaded woman = cartoon. Short bald man = cartoon
Squat-Style Adrienne
Nothing freakier than a TALL LADY and a SHORT GUY huh?
FancyShark
I can't wait for the reveal that they're a married criminal couple
gellaho
RIP barn
FancyShark
Fire from exploding computer?
gellaho
RIP short baldy
gellaho
What a great character
FancyShark
wow. that was fast
gellaho
I think Vanessa is crazy
GDCommando!
Wait, why would you tell anyone that?
That's not a thing people tell other people.
Squat-Style Adrienne
I think Vanessa's mom might be crazy
FancyShark
If you're going to include a stupid aphorism, at least quote it properly
It's "if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a hoppin'"
gellaho
Vanessa saved the animation, but missed the human man
GDCommando!
To be fair, it was established that he was very small.
gellaho
probably because he was so short
FancyShark
Yeah. Not like those computer disks
gellaho
I'm no animation expert, but this seems weird
GDCommando!
Well this was 1992, disks could be as big as 5.25".
gellaho
They are celebrating how Vanessa saved the animation
Completely disregarding the dead guy
"We saved the first three episodes guys!"
FancyShark
At Skip's funeral, they'll speak for 20 minutes about how great the animation was they saved
Squat-Style Adrienne
We've been over this, he was short. And bald. He had no reason to live
gellaho
That is the appropriate response
GDCommando!
See, this is why you need to maintain off-site backups.
In case Joe Hardy shows up.
FancyShark
Why isn't that sentence at the end of every conversation?
gellaho
Phil Gemowski: a real name
FancyShark
Wasn't Mega Mouse a Lemongello creation?
gellaho
Notice how buried Skip is in the concerns
gellaho
A great man
FancyShark
I hope that was Skip's eulogy
Just exactly what Andrea said
gellaho
They'll probably forget to have a funeral
FancyShark
Skip's body just lying in a trash bag by their desks
They toss their Burger King wrappers into the bag absentmindedly
gellaho
Joe is confused by police collecting evidence
FancyShark
The chief doesn't like people pointing out he never went to college
gellaho
Keep telling yourself that Joe
FancyShark
"Also, the scrawled note on the wall in Skip's blood saying 'MURDER'"
gellaho
I can't believe that every police officer wouldn't know you idiots
FancyShark
Frank is still exerting effort in showing human emotions
gellaho
I'm sure the creators of "The Andersons" would go out of their way to destroy the three person barn animation studio
gellaho
Who I guess would be that universe's version of Matt Groening
FancyShark
"Trust me, if you ever saw the show, you'd kill to keep it off the air too"
gellaho
It must be the Japanese!
FancyShark
That sounds like really shitty animation
GDCommando!
Is Frank Dixon just taking digs at anime now?
gellaho
Somebody threw a giant rock at their van
FancyShark
Well, he did already indicate the Japanese man didn't listen to a woman saying "no"
GDCommando!
Also, isn't Toho the company that owns Godzilla?
FancyShark
Yup
gellaho
It's weird how many times poison gas comes up in these books
FancyShark
"Somebody farted. Let's get out of here!"
gellaho
Frank knew that the anonymous gas was deadly and explosive
GDCommando!
To be fair he does have extensive experience exploding.
FancyShark
And huffing fumes
gellaho
That's the customary Joe surviving explosion
FancyShark
And Lynn, who was unconscious in the poison-filled house before they arrived? She's fine
GDCommando!
And the customary Joe head injury.
gellaho
What a couple of detectives
FancyShark
What does a chef have to do with this?
GDCommando!
Was the gas coming from the stove? That's the kind of thing you should establish before the quip, Dixon.
gellaho
I'm telling you, it's a complete coincidence
GDCommando!
The police chief is just desperately trying to keep Joe and Frank from interfering further.
FancyShark
"Look! Keys! Jingle jingle jingle! Just go away!"
"Get out of my office before my computer smells you and explodes!"
gellaho
This is definitely something a television company would do
gellaho
Just sending animals to people without warning
GDCommando!
Yeah, working dogs don't need like, trainers or handlers or anything.
Just Fedex a dog over, who cares.
FancyShark
That dog has been waiting in a warehouse for two weeks
gellaho
It's time for the cover
Squat-Style Adrienne
DOG ASSASSIN
That kicks ass
FancyShark
The next chapter is just a graphic description of Frank's throat being chewed apart
gellaho
The Grey (2011)
FancyShark
"Yay! He broke that dog's jaw!"
Squat-Style Adrienne
FIGHT! THAT! DOG!
FancyShark
KILL! THAT! HARDY!
GDCommando!
I don't care if the dog's trying to kill you. Kicking a dog is never a good look for a protagonist.
gellaho
Dogs work like birds, right?
Squat-Style Adrienne
This is the Bingo sequel we need
gellaho
They go to sleep when it gets dark?
FancyShark
I mean, it wore itself out but I'd think it'd still be awake
Squat-Style Adrienne
I mean, people put blankets over their dogs' crates, so maybe? Idk my dog sleeps like all the time anyway
GDCommando!
Having owned a German Shepherd, I can say that they definitely do not go to sleep when it's dark.
FancyShark
How many throats has he torn out?
gellaho
Frank, being a robot, can hear higher frequencies than a human
FancyShark
Vanessa and Andrea are huge Def Leppard fans, so their eardrums are shot
gellaho
Classic dog whistle spy device
FancyShark
Switches it back on, instantly swarmed by thousands of bats
gellaho
It's fascinating seeing how this author thinks animation works
GDCommando!
The Manchurian Caninedidate
gellaho
So, we're going to get a description of The Andersons
gellaho
It's so weird
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Saying something is the size of 2 or 3 quarters together is awkward. It's make believe! Just say it's the size of a quarter and your book will be better!
drift king (dk) jakesy
There's even a half dollar out there
gellaho
This is such a meta idea for this book to go into
drift king (dk) jakesy
The Swizzler fucks
Squat-Style Adrienne
I think it means it's the diameter of a quarter but the thickness of 3 stacked together
FancyShark
Herbert never gave up his porn name
gellaho
It's a cartoon about a cartoonist who draws live action (edited)
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I think so, too. But either way, I maintain it's bad writing to say that.
gellaho
Which, as far as I'm aware, isn't a thing anyone has actually done
GDCommando!
This idea is too good for this book.
drift king (dk) jakesy
Oh so it's a fuckin toonie, eh?
drift king (dk) jakesy
That may be the case but the day I plagiarize a Hardy Boys book is the day I end it all
gellaho
Stephen Spielberg already did, so might as well
That's how the internet works, sure
FancyShark
The computer then exploded
GDCommando!
Okay, come to think of it, make a Jack Kirby biopic like this.
gellaho
Women aren't allowed to be tall and red haired
FancyShark
Bit public to be doing that, Frank
gellaho
How dare she
GDCommando!
Does the Amazon have a name, or did I miss it?
I've just been thinking of her as Red Sonja.
gellaho
Lynn St. Pierre
Hers is the house that exploded
FancyShark
She was casually mentioned at the same time as Skip
GDCommando!
That's a very Bond Girl name.
Squat-Style Adrienne
Why does she need a name? She's a tall lady with red hair! THE FREAKIEST OF FREAKS
gellaho
Literally every time the Hardy's spot two people walking together, one is saying no to the other
They always think "they're in cahoots!"
Squat-Style Adrienne
She's lying! The gingers are known for their deceit!
GDCommando!
Okay, I'm coining a new law: the number of times an author mentions a tall woman's height is proportional to the author's desire to be stepped on by said woman. (edited)
FancyShark
That tracks with all of the reviewers that mentioned the lady in the new Resident Evil
gellaho
This show is getting canceled in two weeks and that family ain't getting shit
And if it's being animated now, I think most of your scripts already need to be done
FancyShark
Skip's body was sent Ground Shipping because it's not like he's getting any deader
gellaho
they could fit that short bastard into a shoe box
Squat-Style Adrienne
I'm surprised they didn't just roll that sad fuck into a ditch
FancyShark
Honestly, the biggest credibility stretch is that a short man could find someone to love him
gellaho
Vanessa is very smart to get photographs of Joe
FancyShark
Joe has a moment of clarity
drift king (dk) jakesy
Yeah that's a veteran move
[6:30 PM]
“This is him, officer”
gellaho
the only problem is that the only people who could investigate her murder are the Hardys
[6:30 PM]
because the police apparently don't do anything
GDCommando!
Lynn has encountered many Joe Hardys in her time.
gellaho
I have a feeling that this technology didn't exist in 199
drift king (dk) jakesy
Oh shit deep fake
FancyShark
And yet, even she didn't pay for it
gellaho
OK, definitely not
This is just magic
drift king (dk) jakesy
Three-D
FancyShark
"So, you can basically bring back the dead from a photo?"
"Can I see my grandma again?"
"NO! We only make cartoon dogs!"
GDCommando!
Frank Dixon predicting the Wacom tablet is eerily prescient.
Squat-Style Adrienne
It did, at least graphics tablets did. They were really expensive though
gellaho
"You're telling me that you can make a 3-D model from a couple of photographs?"
FancyShark
"You can retire. Just sell this to porn studios"
gellaho
On a computer in a school girl's room in 1992 (edited)
"This would have made Jurassic Park a lot easier."
FancyShark
To be fair, it's probably using almost all 256KB of RAM on that thing
Squat-Style Adrienne
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graphics_tablet
FancyShark
Cool!
Squat-Style Adrienne
History being the relevant section there
Way older than I thought
FancyShark
Right? 1888, holy shit
gellaho
Suddenly: Gunplay
FancyShark
I misread that. I first thought it said Vanessa's head exploded
gellaho
it is weirdly written
The gunman decided that one missed shot was enough and left
FancyShark
Probably just a hunter blowing off some steam
gellaho
Macho Moron: The Joe Hardy Story
*(not actually that macho)
FancyShark
Women: They'll Just Wait
gellaho
"I know part of your house burned down and got shot at, but I'm sure you and I can agree this is all one crazy coincidence?"
FancyShark
I was joking!
gellaho
It's not a homework assignment, Frank
You can't just put a TV show on whenever
FancyShark
Pete Moss, who really missed his calling as a gardener/landscaper
gellaho
"He's being so unfair! Expecting TV shows to be ready in time, it's unreasonable!"
FancyShark
An exact quote from the writer's room of Venture Bros
gellaho
Frank has access to a version of the internet that did not exist in 1992
FancyShark
Wait, did Frank hack the IRS?
Squat-Style Adrienne
No, he called their computer with his computer
GDCommando!
Frank hacked the planet.
Squat-Style Adrienne
Learn to internet
gellaho
Vanessa, why
why are you doing this
@
FancyShark
Of course. I was modeming too hard
Squat-Style Adrienne
demonic modem noise (edited)
FancyShark
Kinda seems like you could use this to protect soldiers and other law enforcement in dangerous situations, but, sure, let's make a cartoon
Squat-Style Adrienne
The same reason any 17 year old does anything - she's flirting
gellaho
A man is dead.
FancyShark
With Joe Hardy? She's a Forensic Files episode in waiting
Squat-Style Adrienne
I definitely did some objectively dumb shit as a teenager trying to catch some d
gellaho
I think the difference is someone is clearly trying to murder her
And I don't mean Joe this time
Squat-Style Adrienne
Not sure that would have stopped me either
gellaho
Also, Joe: ew
FancyShark
So she's living out North by Northwest over a cartoon that Hanna Barbara would have called precious?
gellaho
Brilliant
My brilliant idea: get us both stuck in a snow bank
Then we can't move
FancyShark
Good thing they're so white they blend in with the snow
Squat-Style Adrienne
TOSS! THAT! GIRL!
gellaho
Joe: "Please, Vanessa, women can't drive"
FancyShark
"What the hell's a woman?"
gellaho
"And why am I so angry when you say that word!?"
Frank's also a moron
Squat-Style Adrienne
Is it supposed to be obvious why they'd target this teen? Because I got no clue
FancyShark
I think she's supposed to be the only remaining owner of their cartoon?
Squat-Style Adrienne
What happened to her mom?
FancyShark
🤷♂️
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Yeah, her parents should be the targets
gellaho
The only person to die so far is the worthless short baldy
otherwise, it's just been failed murder attempts
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Yeah, "person"
gellaho
And now the Hardys encounter: BEEF
Squat-Style Adrienne
Thank god, he was too miserable to be allowed to live
FancyShark
Skip has to feel especially ashamed that he died after seeing how bad the killers have done since then
"Man, these guys suck and they still got me"
gellaho
Literally the only evidence so far has been a lighter with the initials SG
and tire tracks
Squat-Style Adrienne
I bet when he bit it he let out a long, squeaky shart
If that's not in the book it should be
gellaho
He is pathetic
FancyShark
He probably did it when he heard the gunfire, way before he was even hit
gellaho
From the single (maybe) line he got before he ate it
The reason I'm telling you about the lighter is for this "twist"
gellaho
I usually leave out the evidence because the culprits usually capture the Hardys at some point at just tell them about the crime
So all evidence is worthless
FancyShark
True. We got a damn soliloquy in the last one
I'm also seeing Frank is continuing his demonizing of the Polish