Squat-Style Adrienne
Arsonists are always leaving their engraved Zippos at crime scenes
22: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #69: Mayhem in Motion Franklin W. Dixon
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Draw the line against crime, and you're sure to find plenty of live-action danger.
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gellaho
I think my favorite part about the Hardy Boys books is how quickly the heads of expansive corporations go straight to murder
Squat-Style Adrienne
Guys: matches exist
gellaho
Fuck business deals, I will go straight James Bond villain with this shit!
FancyShark
Tax season must be insane for these people
gellaho
ONLY I CAN PRODUCE CARTOOOOOONSSSS!!!
FancyShark
Flash animation must have driven these guys berserk
Squat-Style Adrienne
“You see, boys, I don't want to be the best animation shop. I want to be the ONLY animation shop.”
gellaho
BTW, Vanessa is in the hospital
gellaho
I didn't skip anything
FancyShark
"You really dropped the ball on this one, Frank. Just FYI"
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Okay, I'm a little behind, but why would the guy engrave initials he hated into a lighter he owns?
FancyShark
Stop using logic, or you'll get arsoned!
gellaho
Narrative convenience
Squat-Style Adrienne
Stupid, right? THERES NO TIME FOR STUPID, GET IN LOSER WE'RE SOLVING CRIMES
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Then don't say he didn't like the name! Say it was something only his closest friends were allowed to call him!
gellaho
Women, amirite?
Squat-Style Adrienne
I SAID THERES NO TIME
FancyShark
What kind? It's a fucking car crash, Joe, not an ice cream flavor
Squat-Style Adrienne
The kind that lands her in the hospital, dipshit
gellaho
I hope they kill this disgusting, worthless doctor
John, Grand Master of the Arena
He's reverse mansplaining now. Pretending to the woman something exists that doesn't.
FancyShark
Ewww. They let him actually touch people?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Good to know Dixon has no idea what a surgeon looks like. What the hell is a "baggy green surgical outfit?"
Squat-Style Adrienne
Joe: “Thank god it's only a head injury! Don't worry, I get those all the time!”
“I thought you broke your vagina or something important!”
gellaho
So
gellaho
She walked away from this accident
gellaho
Glad we took time out for this
dr
I can't wait to hear what they think would cause a car to perform like this.
FancyShark
"You probably just had one of your moon-cycles and slipped on the sidewalk"
gellaho
low tire pressure
Squat-Style Adrienne
How does every fictional setting have one of these roads?
gellaho
the world is only cliffs
anywhere and everywhere
Squat-Style Adrienne
Cliffs on cliffs
gellaho
cliffs and fjords
Squat-Style Adrienne
The world is a Jenga tower halfway through a game
dr
Ah yes, low tire pressure, the thing that increases tire/road surface area
FancyShark
"New tires never need inflating"
gellaho
What fresh bullshit is this
gellaho
They magically inflate when installed
FancyShark
"We have a confession, but we think it might be a coincidence"
gellaho
I haven't mentioned this character because he's unimportant, but there's an insurance investigator named Walt Steadman
FancyShark
haha, nice
gellaho
He apparently thinks he's a detective
dr
He has a point
gellaho
Except, he hasn't. He briefly tailed the Hardys van
He hasn't put any effort into this
dr
Fair, but that's a savage takedown of the Hardy's crime solving strategy
gellaho
Which is to get exploded until the crime is solved
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I'm behind again. But the only way for tires to have 12 PSI is if you're ina hurricane. Normal ambient air pressure is 14.7. Read a science book sweatshop writer using a 100 year old pen name!
dr
Until the crime is explained to them by the criminal
FancyShark
Just like real detectives!
gellaho
Rock solid evidence there, boys
gellaho
Noone chews gum except criminals
dr
I guess they're right that rims would have less traction…
FancyShark
"He said he was joking, but you could tell he wasn't"
gellaho
Vanessa, you forgot a fucking lot
FancyShark
She works with computers. She should be fine in Chicago.
Squat-Style Adrienne
Wouldn't that look way more dramatic than what was described? It was described as like, mostly normal but bulgy at the bottom; in my experience that's what tires look like at ~25 PSI depending on the tires
FancyShark
Maybe at the Museum of Science and Industry
Squat-Style Adrienne
Maybe because there have been like 12 attempts on your life in the past week?
gellaho
Frank's working out some weird fetishes with his brother
gellaho
Those couldn't possibly have anything to do with those suspicious phone calls or our sudden move? Nah
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I don't know what it would look like. I've never seen a vacuum pump hooked up to car tires.
gellaho
But Frank worries me
FancyShark
Dixon's experimenting with slashfic for his own series
gellaho
This plan is so bluntly stupid
John, Grand Master of the Arena
The original series had them in a convertible and it was cool. Now they have a creepy rape van. I don't like it.
gellaho
"JUST FUCKING RAM THEM WITH YOUR CAR"
I don't understand the point of the "disguise"
FancyShark
So they've been murdering every redhead in the area?
gellaho
Especially now that Joe has been sucked out into the night
gellaho
somehow
FancyShark
wtf. Are they in space?
dr
Or their van is pressurized
GUYS I'm starting to think this author knows VERY LITTLE about air pressure.
FancyShark
gellaho
Classic Hardy Boys, "lol, nevermind"
Squat-Style Adrienne
No no, they're trying to kill Vanessa, not Lynn. Lynn is the adult woman who works as an animator. Vanessa is a blonde teen who wants Joe Hardy inside her
gellaho
The worst mistake a young girl can make
FancyShark
Ohh, thank you! Also: ewww
She could definitely do better
gellaho
The fuck is happening here
FancyShark
"Joe, the van's parked"
Squat-Style Adrienne
I guess Frank's still ripping down the street as this is happening?
FancyShark
"ALL PART OF THE PLAN, JOE!"
gellaho
Frank hit the brakes and Joe ends up back in the van
which surely wouldn't break all his bones
Canada of course
gellaho
This also means this whole endeavor was pointless
dr
If it's a fuckvan there's probably like a mattress in the back
FancyShark
"So you didn't even bother?!"
gellaho
"Hey Joe, dress up like your girl friend (but not girlfriend). Then, we'll find out the license plate number. That will be pointless, because the car will be stolen"
Squat-Style Adrienne
It's definitely a fuck van
gellaho
BRILLIANT
dr
It's true that Canadian license plates are completely untraceable
gellaho
I have 9 pages for this to make any sense
Squat-Style Adrienne
Frank can't hack Canadian databases
drift king (dk) jakesy
Impossible to hack them, they use metric electricity
gellaho
Lol, what?
FancyShark
Also, you just have to ask a Canadian if their car is stolen and they'll answer truthfully
gellaho
FUCKIN WHAT
"Listen, the cross dressing plan didn't work. So now: cartoons!"
Squat-Style Adrienne
You have to do it politely
FancyShark
Oh hell, they're going to trick him into thinking the dead loser's alive so he'll confess
dr
Actually I've changed my mind. It's totally reasonable that the cops aren't going to help them trace a plate as soon as they hit the crossdressing part of the story
“Yeah, sure, kids. Get the fuck out of here”
gellaho
This is insane
gellaho
Make a photo realistic animation of the studio overnight
JUST DO IT
FancyShark
Okay, I was slightly off, but this is still in the same idiotic spirit as my joke
dr
ahahahaha incredible plan
Squat-Style Adrienne
Yeah, unfortunately we can't animate the dead loser; any photos of him would be way too depressing to look at for hours
FancyShark
"Holodeck me a crime scene!"
gellaho
"IT DOESN'T LOOK REALISTIC GIRL. GET IT TOGETHER!"
gellaho
YOU ARE A FAILURE
GDCommando!
Joe Hardy: Animation Mansplainer
Squat-Style Adrienne
For real. Ya girl's the expert here, assface
FancyShark
It's not a lighting problem. You literally explained that you're animating by alternating between two static images
dr
Considering the shit that has fooled these idiots in the past, it must look pretty bad
gellaho
"We'll make it dark, to hide your shame"
FancyShark
Forging Evidence = heroism
gellaho
HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
FancyShark
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!"
GDCommando!
Is it any wonder the police chief was desperate to get rid of these guys?
FancyShark
Not at all
gellaho
What the fuck are you talking about, it's not going to be useable
gellaho
Celluloid melts, dipshit
Squat-Style Adrienne
He burned the cassette, not the tape
FancyShark
I think Vanessa just wants to see how this shit will play out
Squat-Style Adrienne
If he didn't go too hard it should still slot into a VCR and play
gellaho
I feel like then the tape isn't going to work with a VCR
Trust me, Joe went too hard
He hijacked a baggage cart from a Mexican airport
Squat-Style Adrienne
I mean, yeah, he's a brain damaged hormone addled maniac
FancyShark
I hope he breathed the fumes from the burning plastic nice and deep
GDCommando!
Actually this works out pretty well because this is just a delay tactic, so fucking up the VCR will just cause further delays.
Unusually clever, Joe.
gellaho
I don't understand this plan
gellaho
Call the murdered out to the forest, where you have a vcr setup (???)
FancyShark
Hey, the last book had a plan that required a dwarf in a graveyard
gellaho
Where the VHS tape is already in the player
SO WHY BURN IT
FancyShark
Um...low tire pressure?
gellaho
And, oops, he has a gun
drift king (dk) jakesy
Their Hardy brains are very smooth
gellaho
Who would have guessed
Squat-Style Adrienne
TVs have to be plugged in, Joe
FancyShark
I'd urge him to pull the trigger, but I'm not getting my hopes up again
FancyShark
gellaho
Fortunately Joe knows he is unkillable
GDCommando!
I like to think Joe's hauling a genuine Poxco around
drift king (dk) jakesy
Hahahaha who knew the Hardy's were “guns don't kill people” guys
FancyShark
lol
Squat-Style Adrienne
And what's that sticking out the back? A tail?
gellaho
The Hardys somehow bumble into breaking this dude's arm
John, Grand Master of the Arena
The gun roared? That's a strange description.
gellaho
Once again, all evidence is meaningless
FancyShark
The Hardys have been around enough gunfire that they should barely hear it at this point
gellaho
As the villain just spills everything out
FancyShark
Ohhhh. So they filmed him trying to murder them
Squat-Style Adrienne
Remember kids: if you feel real strongly that somebody's guilty, it's OK to fabricate evidence!
gellaho
And the mom confessed because... I don't know, fuck you
FancyShark
Story of Skip's life
John, Grand Master of the Arena
He shot a gun near you an hour ago moron.
Squat-Style Adrienne
I mean, innocent people confess all the time for similar reasons. Just usually under intense police interrogation, not just cuz
gellaho
I'm guessing that's not what happened here though
I love that this author thinks a TV show is only written by two people
gellaho
"If I murder the entire writer's room, then I will have all the cartoons!"
Squat-Style Adrienne
Wait so why was he trying to kill the teen?
gellaho
To get the mom to stop making the show
I guess
drift king (dk) jakesy
Oh, sweet summer child. Nobody in this universe does anything for any rational reason
gellaho
It doesn't make a lot of sense
John, Grand Master of the Arena
"Thank God you have the TV series from that murdered crew. How did you get it?"
"Umm...I found it. On the sidewalk. In Canada. You wouldn't know the street."
FancyShark
"Yeah, I wasn't asking for the definition of red herring, you pedantic dick"
Squat-Style Adrienne
But I thought they all at least explained their evil plan
gellaho
If you are going through the trouble to murder someone, I don't know why you wouldn't murder the mom
gellaho
Unfortunately the Hardys are explaining it
Squat-Style Adrienne
gellaho
This is the best explanation they've got
FancyShark
Except that he was clearly trying to kill her for reals
drift king (dk) jakesy
Every one of these could be answered with “he did it for the insurance money” trope and it would make more sense than the actual explanations
gellaho
And we end with the most disgusting thing I can think of, a Joe Hardy cartoon show
FancyShark
Hahaha!
...
No one attended Skip's funeral
Squat-Style Adrienne
Look, in 1992 if you were a TV executive and you wanted to bully one of your female subordinates you really didn't have to try and kill her kid
GDCommando!
Everyone was busy in a freeze frame laughing while fading to credits.
FancyShark
When Skip's family was contacted and informed of the events, they agreed that a Joe Hardy cartoon sounded funny
gellaho
We have defeated Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #69 (nice): Mayhem in Motion
Squat-Style Adrienne
When they found out they were shipping his bald, worthless corpse out to them they collectively said “ugh”
GDCommando!
I'm frustrated we didn't get an explanation for the My Pet Monster poster.
gellaho
They were glad to be rid of him
FancyShark
They left his body at the curb, hoping the garbage collectors would take it
Squat-Style Adrienne
Thanks @gellaho !! You're a true hero
FancyShark
Yes, thank you @gellaho. This ruled as always