Wyrdrun the Warlock must stop the Dark Ones - before necromancy turns Hollywood into a *real* creature feature.
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gellaho
Simon Hawke's going Hollywood! Wyrdrune returns to America, and there's a killer on the loose! Again! Will Billy Slade, the teen possessed by Merlin get a film deal? Will Kira become addicted to fame and fortune and go out in a downward spiral of drugs? Will Wyrdrune go to the "Big Wizard Shows" depicted on the cover? Look forward to none of these questions, as we read The Wizard of Sunset Strip this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway the only way to dodge the incoming lightning shanking is by pinning this comment.
FancyShark
It really feels like Hawke is regretting the apocalyptic angle with how little of society was destroyed
gellaho
Simon Hawke follows his muse. Setting is but a suggestion
But, seriously, is "Wizard" some kind of slang for tits that I don't know
FancyShark
Everyone who sees the show agrees that what those ladies do is magic
Ozzie
Maybe she's warning everyone about the man who transformed her into that billboard.
FancyShark
I'm curious what movies are popular in a society where magic is real and commonplace
pinned messages
.
jakesy, goddamn vulcan
Was the last Wizard book the one that fuckin ruled?
FancyShark
Yeah it was. Simon got thirsty as fuck in it too
gellaho
A little under an hour until * The Wizard of Sunset Strip*. Here's the preview
FancyShark
Friggin sweet
Brendan of Yesteryear
You forgot the part where they teased he was Deadpool for ages only to reveal it was Frank. Which--at that point...is it?
And also Thanos's adoptive dad.
Comics are crazy, man.
Now who's ready to magic the dickens out of this 19th C. England?
FancyShark
Hell yes
Also, howdy, Brendan!
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Are we sending Dickens somewhere?
gellaho
It's the Sunset Strip in the future, but sure
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Do I get a vote on where?
FancyShark
Hollywood
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Oh.
That makes more sense, honestly
gellaho
Time to begin
gellaho
Get your radical hotdogs ready
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Is necromancy the generic name for evil magic here?
My radical hot dog is as ready as it can ever be.
FancyShark
It's not really clear
But it's probably safe to assume it is
gellaho
We start with a "streetboarder" eating all the shit
FancyShark
Andy Kindler Broom, how's it going
Peak Wombatical Perfection
I had relatives who talked like that.
FancyShark
I didn't know you were part broom
Peak Wombatical Perfection
But, and I have to be clear here, never about skateboarding.
gellaho
A little over a page to get lips
Brendan of Yesteryear
HI SHARK
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Part mop, really.
Brendan of Yesteryear
this british punk sucks but he looks like he doesn't suck. He looks like Bebop before he became a warthog.
FancyShark
That's right, technology is gone, but LAX endures
Peak Wombatical Perfection
I feel like Bebop would not see the point in magically enchanting a knife.
He worked for Shredder.
Brendan of Yesteryear
I did not expect a warlock series set in a world without technology to include this many airplanes crucial to the plot.
gellaho
Technology is not gone. This is a post-post apocalyptic world that was resurrected by magic
Brendan of Yesteryear
Feels like Wyrdrune is already getting pushed out of his own book.
gellaho
You can tell who's description Hawke cared more about
Brendan of Yesteryear
Simon's Type #2
The tough fallen angel from New York.
FancyShark
After the last book, I'm wondering if we need to start keeping a tally
Peak Wombatical Perfection
1.
gellaho
Meanwhile, Billy Slade gets a whole lot of questionable description. Including the return of "tatterdemalion"
FancyShark
Ah, the Heinz 57 Minority
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Look, the author is going to make us care about this kid if it kills us.
FancyShark
Props to Hawke. I thought Billy's hairstyle was one that didn't get invented until the past decade
gellaho
In case you forgot
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Hurray for magic!
FancyShark
And all that magic still can't stop you from shooting a mage in the head
gellaho
Transition time
Peak Wombatical Perfection
I'm not entirely sure how humanity survived this long into a world where fundamental physics and chemistry no longer worked, and honestly it was probably entirely unnecessary to make the back story that complicated.
But the important thing is WOOOO MAGIC!
FancyShark
Ben regrets his "always swipe right" policy
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Like, science and technology aren't vital forces, they're tools making use of various fundamental constants in our reality. Bringing magic back probably doesn't need to just erase those, because that's insane.
Dumb trope.
gellaho
Harlan Bates and Benjamin Slater
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Huh. Just noticed. City of the Angels.
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
They had to add a 'the' because magic.
gellaho
Well, "Los" does mean "the"
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Los Angeles Police Department: Famous for its good relationship with the press.
FancyShark
Sensing some unspoken desire in Slater's description
gellaho
FancyShark
Corrupt cops?! In LA?!
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Hawke, I promise you. I don't even need to look this up, but you should have.
Brendan of Yesteryear
Feels like it's on Merlin for not coming back earlier and just providing us with unlimited clean energy.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
If the senior cops hate you, the patrol cops hate you too.
gellaho
He had to be released by a farmer trying to chop down the tree he was encased in
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Everyone knows that's how you free wizards.
Brendan of Yesteryear
This is just a description of what all journalists do. Even shitty papers don't burn a source. There are levels of unofficially, anonymous, off-the record.
gellaho
Check the redhead box
Brendan of Yesteryear
What if I'm a maverick who plays by his own rules but goddamit I get results?
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Leggy, but unbearably cute.
Brendan of Yesteryear
Will Reginald Veljohnson root for me then?
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Mavericks tend to get real cops killed.
Brendan of Yesteryear
I have no idea of this character. She's barely sketched out. This is why men shouldn't write women. How am I to envision her when he hasn't even described her breasts?
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Which is why they tend to get made detective when they're good at their job otherwise.
Brendan of Yesteryear
There's not a real cop on this force. Half are on the take, the other half are scared of the first half. Scared to take a risk. But not me. I carry a gun and a bible and a badge. My name is Serpico. Milhouse Serpico.
gellaho
I'm guessing giant bird attack
FancyShark
Bing bong
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Unbearably cute female police captain who's the youngest on the force.
Merlin also shattered the glass ceiling.
Brendan of Yesteryear
Nobody spoke to her in a contraction followed by the full form of the verb? That's because it's weird.
Harpies and faeries? Listen, bub, tell it to the post. I've got a magical police force to run.
FancyShark
Slater knows all about wounds from his time writing for the paper
Peak Wombatical Perfection
I'd like to offer you an agreement to use your life story as the basis for a movie franchise where we use everything except your first name and also you get a centaur for a partner.
gellaho
Becky is not a fan of Bates and Slater's bromance
FancyShark
Oh hey, Rebecca is a real cop
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Okay, so she's already demonstrating that she deserves her rank.
I assume this will be treated as a personality flaw.
I would like for it not to be, but I assume it will.
gellaho
The magic of film
Peak Wombatical Perfection
I feel like magic could be used so much better here?
Is it weirdly limited in this setting in ways that are profoundly arbitrary?
FancyShark
The nerd sorcerers that critique special effects have got to be just the worst
Brendan of Yesteryear
Bright 2: Brighter
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Or did Hawke just want to get this scene out of the way.
Brendan of Yesteryear
I ship Bates and Slater, or "Bater" to real fan-fic stans
FancyShark
"Masterful Bater" to the hardcore fans
gellaho
There's my horny Simon
gellaho
Brendan of Yesteryear
This book would have benefited from a copy editor. Or even a Find/Replace
Brendan of Yesteryear
50 Slates of Bate
Peak Wombatical Perfection
I have never seen breasts gyrate.
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
I don't understand the point of putting rock in quotation marks.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
And I'm almost certain that I don't want to.
FancyShark
The scene's very well shot, but it's still a weird adaptation of Glengarry Glenross
Peak Wombatical Perfection
It's paper mache.
For reasons.
Brendan of Yesteryear
You've been going to the wrong go-go clubs then.
Brendan of Yesteryear
A prop made of paper mache I guess.
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Ah, I missed the section where it explained that.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Apparently.
gellaho
Not quite lat measurements, but close
gellaho
Brendan of Yesteryear
Oh hey, my centaur partner
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Oh, there's the magic they could have used for this entire scene.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Yeah. He's pretty straightlaced.
The captain wants him to be a good restraint on you, and also wants you to help loosen him up.
Brendan of Yesteryear
Chiton & O'Leary: Myth Cops
gellaho
Whiteface is a real problem in Hollywood
Peak Wombatical Perfection
It's funny because Merlin was almost as bad at wizarding as Gandalf outside TH White world.
Mo (gone Goofus Mode)
this the type of club you go to?
FancyShark
Paul Dano's in everything
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Merlin saw the future with perfect clarity but missed the part where the obviously evil witch he was engaged in an improper relationship with would imprison him forever.
Brendan of Yesteryear
are they dead? That doesn't look functioning
Peak Wombatical Perfection
I assume everyone involved died horribly.
gellaho
Special effects adepts are destroying the practical effects industry
FancyShark
Legally, we can't answer that
Brendan of Yesteryear
Gandalf the White on his bridge, brandishing a power staff at the Balrog: "You shall not pass I already called 9-1-1!"
FancyShark
Fuck yeah, practical effects for life!
Brendan of Yesteryear
Thank you for indulging my joke that he wasn't still Grey
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Don't remember who came up with it but Gandalf was obviously a thief with a lot of points in use magical device.
Too many points, which explains why he sucks at unlocking doors and sneaking.
gellaho
Those damned Hollyweird accountants
Brendan of Yesteryear
CGI = CinaumaturGIcal
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
The Collapse removed their ability to fix things in post
Peak Wombatical Perfection
I don't know why he'd charge so much for lighting effects.
FancyShark
Spell components. DM's a stickler
Peak Wombatical Perfection
He can summon a giant monster illusion.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Is this before the cantrip rule came into play?
gellaho
I have to keep reminding people of this, but not everybody can use magic It also takes a lot of effort
Brendan of Yesteryear
Hawke sold the movie rights for 10% of profit. Unfortunately, the producer was a dragon who hid most of the gold in his lair.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Ah, right.
Brendan of Yesteryear
Can you remind Hawke?
gellaho
He just said he was tired after summoning the demon
FancyShark
Hawke swears by 2nd ed
That seems like a bad spell. Summon a demon, leave yourself weak
gellaho
Khasim is doing special effects work for a quest
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Didn't see that part, but that does make sense. Will bear in mind going forward.
I mean, people want to be in Hollywood.
Brendan of Yesteryear
Maybe I want the demon to find me laid out vulnerable.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Why wouldn't a wizard?
FancyShark
Good thing magic is strenuous and no one has constant surveillance scrying
Peak Wombatical Perfection
His quest is for an Oscar for special effects.
And it would be nice if he could get a nomination for best supporting actor.
FancyShark
"Oh dear, I seem to be unable to move. Somehow I've been tied down to this altar."
<sigh> "Look, buddy, just tell me how much your soul's worth."
gellaho
Ron Rydell mob financed independent filmmaker
jakesy, goddamn vulcan
God dammit I need to get home so I can participate
Peak Wombatical Perfection
You know that mob, loving to invest in artistic enterprises where there's almost no possibility of being paid back.
FancyShark
If you can't trust the mob...
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Kid, if you're not dead already you're being used to launder money.
You're fine. Keep it up.
FancyShark
Ron's going to have to make so many round trips to Columbia
Brendan of Yesteryear
This is why my girlfriend's always putting on lipstick when the UPS tracking says she's expecting a package, isn't it?
Brendan of Yesteryear
It's an insurance scheme!
FancyShark
IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY!
jakesy, goddamn vulcan
The g d insurance money
gellaho
Rydell used Modred's services as a hitman in the past. Now he is the Lip King
jakesy, goddamn vulcan
Lip action
gellaho
Modred is proposing an Argo
FancyShark
"It's 'Corn Hole' and you know it, Rydell"
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Wait, his movies are still failing at the box office?
looks through this all again
jakesy, goddamn vulcan
Lips are so moist all over right now
Brendan of Yesteryear
Or should I call you...Dancetyger? It has been so very long since your mad hot steps illuminated the discotheque.
Very well, I'll be brief. I'm looking for someone to put it ALL ON THE LINE for a dance scholarship.
gellaho
Nah, he's making necromancersploitation films
Brendan of Yesteryear
I won't lie to you; your heart will not be your own by the end of this mission. You may lose loved ones. But it will be worth it to find the courage to LIVE YOUR DREAM.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Necromancersploitation is either the best possible movie genre or the worst.
FancyShark
Alright, dammit, I'm in. But we're going to need a team.
gellaho
"I mean, it's probably not. Do you know how much movies cost?"
I wonder what Night of the Living Dead would have been like in this universe.
FancyShark
It wiped out Iowa
Peak Wombatical Perfection
I assume it involved the loss of most of Pennsylvania to the man now known as The Night Walker, but once called George Romero.
FancyShark
Modred seems confident in this man that is deeply in debt
gellaho
About the same. The Collapse happened in the 21st century, and magic didn't come back for another century after that
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Oh.
gellaho
The setting is confusing, but that's the way of Hawke
Brendan of Yesteryear
I'll give you Fortey's two cents for it.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Dang, but also pretty weirdly cool?
I did not get the impression that this was taking place in the 2200s after a century of societal collapse and basic apocalypse.
John
That's right, you weren't with us for Steele. We're used to this.
gellaho
A VIP for the BOT
FancyShark
Dammit, Gorman!
Brendan of Yesteryear
I still posit these books are in sequence.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Anyway, with 25 million dollars I could turn out probably a decent arthouse film. Make most of it back on the indie circuit, maybe get some hype going for our next project.
John
That's why fanfic exists, friend.
gellaho
@FancyShark here's your conservative outfit
FancyShark
Thank you. Was getting nervous
gellaho
Silk jabot
Peak Wombatical Perfection
People who left high paying senior private roles for field agent work?
That's the least believable part of this.
FancyShark
Nice to know he's dressing casual
gellaho
Lip smorgasbord
John
Is he actually wearing a coat, because I think Dracula's cape actually got described?
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Or he's a German from the 19th century.
FancyShark
He only speaks with a British accent to Gorman. It's how they flirt.
Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie
Someone's got me in a box here
That's just me on board days
gellaho
"That's not at all off-putting"
FancyShark
"I'm thinking of starting a company with my name"
gellaho
So far the three pupils of Merlin we know are (1) Wyrdrune, (2) a guy who tried to end the world and, (3) a guy he named Death
Not a great track record
FancyShark
Wait, shit, I'm thinking of Theranos
Who names the class clown Death? That's the most metal way to respond
gellaho
Necromancy: Maximum Terror
FancyShark
Slater, asking the tough questions
Brendan of Yesteryear
All necromancer movies are snuff films. They just end with the victim getting back up.
gellaho
Joke time
FancyShark
Ha ha
Brendan of Yesteryear
They still make movies but they don't have Oscars.
Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie
Oh, those Hollywood types.
gellaho
Magic sounds like hell
Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie
Probably has something to do with a train crash
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Ooh, I can start drinking now that he's done Pratchett But Worse again.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Have you tried fireballs?
Fireballs solve most problems.
Also, I can't believe they didn't keep records of what an Oscar was.
But did keep a copy of Ray Charles's New York State of Mind.
gellaho
Classic fake movie trap
FancyShark
Pratchett did that entire book on movies encroaching on Discworld. This is going to get sloppy
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Mrgh.
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Yeah, the Oscar bit was right from Moving Pictures.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
I hope this is sufficiently different to not make me constantly wish I was reading that instead.
But I'm sure it won't be.
FancyShark
This will likely be more violent and sexual
gellaho
Old man Modred
FancyShark
And yet all the real power in movies is in the San Fernando valley
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Funny story, the last Abbott and Costello movie came out around 60 years ago.
This was a dated reference when Hawke wrote this book.
gellaho
Merlin does not like the Mouse
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
I can't remember if Modred is supposed to be another arthurian character whose name he's spelling wrong.
gellaho
I do think that was the joke
Peak Wombatical Perfection
I'll calibrate my expectations accordingly.
FancyShark
He is and it turns out that's the correct spelling
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Probably, yes.
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
It's easy to miss some things when the world building is so dense.
gellaho
He's the bastard inbred son of King Arthur and Morgan Le Fay
Peak Wombatical Perfection
... Dude, Disney adapted the White story.
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Not very well, though.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
And if TH White hadn't written his books, this book would probably never have been made and
Oh.
Ohhhhhh.
I get it now.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
I always heard White was okay with it.
Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie
Morgan got stuck in the clothesline and Arthur went to help her - oh look! Graham crackers!
Peak Wombatical Perfection
They discussed adapting the sequels, after all.
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
The only clear memory I have of that movie is a horny squirrel.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
She was a good squirrel.
gellaho
The Sunset Strip and it's fabulous billboards
FancyShark
That's actually a good idea
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Anyway, Modred is either one of the most genuinely awful people in the western canon or an unlucky bastard who had the bad luck of going against Mr Charisma.
Not a lot of in-between there.
FancyShark
In this series, he's the bad boy of the group
Peak Wombatical Perfection
That's a pretty good idea.
I assume he stole it from someone else.
gellaho
Spago-Pogo
FancyShark
Hey, Rocky. Watch me pull a hooker out of a hat.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
I like how with the endless power of magic at their disposal, they decided to make hoverboards finally real.
gellaho
Simon really likes the term screamers
FancyShark
And stubbornly refuses to explain what they are
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Gassing the crowd into submission instead of sending in the riot squad.
LA in the future is so weird.
gellaho
Brother Khasim and his haunted mission
FancyShark
SFX technicians get enough money to open a mission?
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Children of the streets isn't a bad name but it does not need the quotation marks, Hawke.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Jamie opened a frikking evil scientist lair.
This is comparatively modest.
Anyway, there are probably other revenue streams.
From the sound of it, though, he's worth the money.
gellaho
I'm sure there's just a game room down there
gellaho
He also gets a lot of donations from the street pimps
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Also, if you don't pay he'll kill you horribly, so no one tries to Life of Pi him.
FancyShark
That first spell warding sounds remarkably similar to a lock
Peak Wombatical Perfection
There are advantages to being a wizard.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
It's different for reasons.
gellaho
Oops, sex dungeon
FancyShark
oopsie
Brendan of Yesteryear
Thauma Pictures must be still making D-films, right?
The Toxic Spellcaster
FancyShark
Hawke is weirdly prudish despite how horny he is. All the villains are sexual deviants
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Oh no mirrors and young women.
How deviant
Wait doesn't the hero hang around with a teenager?
FancyShark
Look, you don't make a secret sex dungeon only you can-
wait, he's the only one that can go in or out. How are those women still alive?
gellaho
"What? I thought you would like all these brainwashed slaves! I cured your drug addiction I created! Come on!"
Peak Wombatical Perfection
He's got those gravity feeders for dogs
And then there are those water things they use for gerbils.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
He seems nice.
gellaho
A bold strategy when hiding is to get into acting
Peak Wombatical Perfection
I'm pretty sure if we knew a powerful warlock who could erase our minds or kill us had committed terrible crimes, we'd all blackmail him.
gellaho
Magic seems unpleasant
FancyShark
I think I'd just call the cops
Peak Wombatical Perfection
While remaining at the same job that required constantly being around him.
That's just logic.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Cops?
Ha!
gellaho
Quite the lippy book
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Nah, I can handle the warlock. Look, I'm going to taunt him.
Brendan of Yesteryear
Sympathetic magic should at least have the rule of percentages.
Like you get 1/10,000 of the hairs that fall off my head every day, you are gonna at best give me a faint sense of unease with that needle.
gellaho
Seems like Khasim hasn't gotten his hands dirty yet
Peak Wombatical Perfection
I disengaged that part of my brain because otherwise I'd be so annoyed. So I'm glad you've got this, Brendan.
gellaho
But first, liiiips
Peak Wombatical Perfection
Lick them lips, pretty boy.
FancyShark
I assume most SFX technicians have to do this at some point in their career
John
Only the non-union ones, strangely.
Peak Wombatical Perfection
It's all politics.
The union outsourced their blood sacrifices to the Chinese ages ago.
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Post-Collapse Bollywood must be insane.
FancyShark
It's like Avatar: The Last Airbender
Way more facial hair tho
gellaho
It's a bold plan to use the exact same murder methods in your cover-up
FancyShark
Well, case closed then
gellaho
Especially when the guy you are killing was the prime suspect
Brendan of Yesteryear
I bet they leaned hard into the western perception of India's spirituality and it's like 90% fake adepts calling to confirm your purchase of a ThaumaPhone from Amazon.rune
gellaho
The enchanted broom is out for blood
Brendan of Yesteryear
Buncha fakirs, I tell ya. HEY O
John
I like that magic birds also forget the rest of songs. Just like me!
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
There's enough knowledge of pre-collapse pop culture that a bird can sing songs from then, but no one knows what an oscar is
Simon Hawke never let consistency get in the way of two bad jokes.
Brendan of Yesteryear
Forgetting the words to "Memories" is funny though.
gellaho
Simon Hawke doesn't think too highly of his position
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Okay, one good joke, and one joke Terry Pratchett did way better.
FancyShark
This is still pre-divorce Hawke, right?
gellaho
This was "For Marge." I don't know what his wife's name is currently. I know he's married
Transitional king
FancyShark
Try describing it, Simon
gellaho
Thanatos is one of those "aura" hippies
FancyShark
Thanatos means there's still a fine mist of Cameron in the air
gellaho
Yay, Spago-Pogo
FancyShark
How nostalgic is the cuisine? Same preparation or did they find a bunch of Lean Cuisines in a freezer?
Do they have Ecto Cooler on tap?
gellaho
Merlin does not approve of casting
gellaho
That necromancy film trap worked out immediately
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
"He's a drunk!" huge bong rip
Brendan of Yesteryear
This is definitely a conversation he had at a party and wrote down.
FancyShark
The best traps involve as many bystanders as possible
gellaho
Khasim seems like a real hoot
FancyShark
So Khasim is the Zodiac Killer?
gellaho
Khasim has entered his stalking phase
FancyShark
Oh, he's a plain old thrill killer
Or sadist or something. I'm not sure. This isn't "werewolf assassin" like the last book
gellaho
It's nice of Jessica to set up her own murder
gellaho
I'm glad Simon has finally decided to specify what was moistening the lips. I've been confused this whole time
FancyShark
You could make a porno for a fraction of the price, Modred
gellaho
I gotta remember the line "You watch TV or have a job?" It seems like a real winner
gellaho
Billy Slade: Dick Knifer
FancyShark
Threatening strange children with spankings really died out at some point, didn't it?
gellaho
Merlin: Master of Nude Magic
Brendan of Yesteryear
Hey gotta go cook dinner for a naked lady, so if somebody can give me the gist from everything after the Memories bit when I return...
gellaho
This dude is having a real one
gellaho
FancyShark
Junk punch!
gellaho
Khasim has swapped places with a wolf
gellaho
A real shitty wolf
FancyShark
As one does
Sparkle Hands is a deadly spell
gellaho
Just doing werewolves again
gellaho
You gotta ration your supply of ladies, Khasim
FancyShark
Khasim really is going to have a tough time explaining this at the mission
gellaho
Fun Fact: Bryant Winslow also means death
FancyShark
He turned to necromancy to try and equal his brother Michael
But he couldn't
gellaho
Gor'Blimey
FancyShark
Smoke up, young man
gellaho
Simon has been saving paper by not using proper chapter breaks
FancyShark
It's actually pronounced "Darks One"
gellaho
Runestone Wolverine powers
FancyShark
Convenient, being immune to the thing that has killed all the bad guys
gellaho
Hardy Boys has made me expect capitalization for Dumpster
FancyShark
"Almost levitating. Flying at low altitude."
gellaho
Hey, it's Mikey Blood
gellaho
Apparently Thanatos has been to the excavation site from the first book and has been investigating these fuckos for a while
Because he was sleeping with Modred's mom
gellaho
Thanks for putting that the weirdest way possible, Modred
FancyShark
ew
Maybe Hawke was all too aware of the San Fernando Valley
gellaho
"And nobody on set thought it was weird that he was summoning a demon?"
FancyShark
That's at least an OSHA violation
gellaho
The BOT needs better security if some teamsters can get their files
gellaho
Cryptobiosis
FancyShark
If only there were mages on the police force that could counter such a spell
gellaho
Gorman looking to get murdered
gellaho
And busting out his Jedi powers
gellaho
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
I wouldn't put it past Hawke to try and do a 'not the droids you're looking for' bit.
FancyShark
I hope Gorman's relying on nothing but raw charisma
gellaho
Khasim, I have some notes on your murder techniques
jakesy, goddamn vulcan
I am LAB MAN
The worse mega-man boss of all time
gellaho
Gorman's patented desk investigation techniques
FancyShark
That fireball better not have been the failsafe spell
Because if so, weak
gellaho
Oopsie
gellaho
Hopefully Zeke has no relation to Joe
FancyShark
Zeke got the morality
gellaho
Khasim, stop doing whiteface. It's very offensive
FancyShark
oh gross. I just realized Hawke answered my earlier question about how the women in the dungeon are alive
gellaho
In that they aren't
gellaho
RIP Gorman
FancyShark
This would all be very shocking, Simon, if you hadn't played this card in the last book
gellaho
Another successful investigation completed
FancyShark
Job well done
gellaho
Thanatos doesn't have the best grasp of the law
FancyShark
Because when going through withdrawal, flayed corpses help calm people down
Greg
This is a strange book
gellaho
"It's my hide they'll scream"
Greg
To be clear this is Hawke's goofy wizard series? With corny "Stealers" jokes?
gellaho
The Wizard series is separate from the Reluctant Sorcerer series
Greg
Ah
gellaho
The Wizard series takes place in the future, whereas The Reluctant Sorcerer involves time travel to the past
FancyShark
This is his not-comedy series
gellaho
But it is odd that this series of books about Wizards involves so much police procedural when Steele had none
I am skipping so much police stuff, that's why you haven't seen much about the redhead
I'm trying to decide if this is a McDonald's joke
FancyShark
I'd say so
Greg
I was confused because whenever I dipped in tonight there would be goofy stuff like a mess of parrots singing 9 different pop songs over each other
FancyShark
His jokes in this series are mostly dumb, but some do land. More than in his comedy books
gellaho
This animal sounds like a nightmare
Greg
Women!
gellaho
A goddamned nightmare
FancyShark
So it's a giant tribble
gellaho
Oh, good, it talks
FancyShark
Okay, now it's creepy
gellaho
Thanatos is surprised by a thirteen year old in his hotel room
Greg
30 pounds is an enormous slug cat to have drop on you from the ceiling
gellaho
"Your dead wife was a real bitch, Thanatos"
FancyShark
Merlin acting as the hype man for Modred's angry child
gellaho
Modred's having a tantrum at his step-dad
FancyShark
Thanksgiving is going to be awkward
gellaho
"Really, nothing? You suck Thanatos"
gellaho
Also, gross Kira
Greg
I might be late to this observation but Michael Blood is a fantastic name
FancyShark
He was genuinely great in the last book
gellaho
Khasim meets leggy redhead #2
gellaho
Dark magic seems unpleasant
gellaho
Ashtar, redhead #3
FancyShark
Getting a Lannister vibe
gellaho
Sick, are they going to play War Pigs?
FancyShark
Sorcerer priest is a dual class build. Those take time.
gellaho
Getting all sorts of Whitechapel cameos late in the book
gellaho
Good to know that I have the same build as a fairy
FancyShark
Sounds like you've got Halloween sorted this year
gellaho
Take this as personal experience, but you don't look like a blimp if you are 6' 6" and 300 lbs.
gellaho
I'll take juggernaut though
FancyShark
It's funny how Simon seems eager to focus on anyone except the people he insists are the heroes of the series
gellaho
Even a journalist!
Greg
I miss when he would randomly make Steele muse about humanity or the nature of violence for 2 pages
gellaho
he gets tired of main characters very quickly
Even when he's writing from the first person like in Psychodrome
FancyShark
That's true
gellaho
Where the main character always has to be present, he's still like "this dude's a dweeb"
FancyShark
He should have taken a cue from Pratchett in one regard: don't have the same main character for every story. You can change it up. Follow the more interesting people.
Although I guess he's kind of doing that
gellaho
A poignant moment with the Yiddish broom
FancyShark
He also can't help wishing he'd been a doctor
gellaho
Oh. Yes.
This is glorious
Simon you beautiful bastard
FancyShark
Yes
YES
gellaho
I mean, that's Disneyland not the Magic Kingdom. But whatever
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
I think we found his motive for the book taking place in California.
Greg
Hahahahaha
FancyShark
We've finally hit a vein of crazy
gellaho
Hell yeah
Greg
Hahahaha he is explaining Disneyland!
FancyShark
"You readers might not be familiar with Disney"
John
I love that he goes to greater lengths to tell us what Dis.....dammit
FancyShark
hahaha, dammit, scooped
John
Scooped again
fuck
!
gellaho
This was written in 1988, right before The Little Mermaid
So Disney was sort of in the toilet
FancyShark
hahaha, so he thought this was going to be describing a relic
John
I'm sure even then no one was like "what is Dis-uh-nee?"
gellaho
Knights of the Magic Kingdom
FancyShark
Like the Knights of Columbus, but sadder and more expensive
Greg
I am all about this
gellaho
Oh, God. This is better than anything I could have expected
John
He's basically inventing the people who defend Elon Musk on Twitter right here.
gellaho
Look at all these dorks
Greg
I thought he was going to do a bit like Brockway's choice for shows from the wrong decade with the zombie apocalypse cliques but it is much more literally than that
FancyShark
This is my favorite thing Hawke does
Overthinking minor details
Greg
Yes. And this will absolutely have no payoff
gellaho
There's no better place to hide dark magics
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
He hyperfocuses on the weirdest things that aren't relevant.
FancyShark
I know! It's fantastic!
oh god, Hawke
Please, PLEASE have them fight mascots
Demons in mascot costumes
Greg
Better yet, just explain in detail how one becomes a mascot and the lifestyle it entails
FancyShark
Tell us the story of the guy in the Cogsworth costume and how he has to cut himself to make it through the day and drink himself to sleep
John
I would love to hear Hawke's thoughts about the communal underwear.
Greg
Yes equal parts unnecessary, nonsensical and tragic
gellaho
This will be my second book involving a theme park and magic powers
John
Those are rookie numbers.
gellaho
Once again Simon Hawke and Peter David are opposites of the same coin
Oh, also Jessica got kidnapped
FancyShark
But gellaho, what if this place also has an elaborate security system that murders everyone in the park?
John
Please let Harlan have the rank of "Master" in the Knights of the Magic Kingdom.
Please.
gellaho
Tourist lives
John
Is she the Barbarian sister?
FancyShark
My god. The whole park is filthy with ammunition
Seems like cops would cart around deathrow inmates as ammo
gellaho
Magic booby traps
FancyShark
Magic mines
They're like claymore mines filled with glitter and shrapnel
gellaho
Meanwhile: an unbaptism
John
"I set the magic booby traps, sir."
"Did you remember not to leave any gaps someone could sneak through?"
"Err...yeah."
gellaho
Satan's rosary
FancyShark
Khasim didn't think a bowlful of grapes and a bowlful of pasta was good enough for his haunted house
gellaho
Meanwhile: a kid wants a stone shoved in his head
FancyShark
If that kid doesn't get murdered with a rock, then what the hell are you doing, Simon?
John
"Why it almost looks like a stolen magical artifact. Like that one in the papers. Everyone, look at this guy!"
gellaho
Gargoyle attack!
FancyShark
Good. Their cover remains intact
gellaho
Beret counterattack!
FancyShark
Fuck yes!
John
If this was a Hardy boys book, that would have been a cliffhanger chapter end.
Wait, he's magic Oddjob?
FancyShark
Makepeace going all Oddjob on them
dammit!
John
YES! Finally, I was the scooper
It took over a year, but I fucking did it
gellaho
The ol' dancing skeleton distraction
John
Look those niches, Wyrdrune
FancyShark
An exhaustive search
Well, they tried
gellaho
Meanwhile: The Black Sabbath set begins
FancyShark
The opening band was The Wiggles. It really messed with the tone of the show.
gellaho
Damn you, Sleepy! I trusted you!
FancyShark
I want huge dwarves. Just once.
John
Makepeace is a huge fairy. That's sort of the same.
gellaho
I just realized that this is a Fantasia reference
gellaho
you weren't satisfied with the rastafarian lumberjack dwarves?
FancyShark
It's a pretty great "fuck you" to Hollywood to set a story there and then focus on Disney
FancyShark
...dammit, why would you do that, man? We're friends
gellaho
It's a real fantasia now
FancyShark
The broom is going to save the day
gellaho
Magic seems unpleasant
John
Let me fix one line for you real quick, Simon:
"naked teenaged adult girls women and boys men"
gellaho
The kids are going to love this human sacrifice show
FancyShark
Just skipping right past the sweet dino fight and going right to the satyrs, Simon?
I guess the ballet with the crocodile and hippo is still out there
gellaho
This must be an Ozzie concert, Dio would never have allowed this
FancyShark
Still better than Busch Gardens
Yeah, I said it
Brendan of Yesteryear
Still going??
What'd I miss?
FancyShark
Still going!
gellaho
I mean, where else would you have expected
gellaho
FancyShark
They're at Disneyland!
It's the center of a planned mass sacrifice!
All of the murders were in a certain radius of the Magic Kingdom!
John
There's someone who I'm still hoping has a title of "master" so that they call him Master Bates.
FancyShark
HAWKE EXPLAINED DISNEYLAND
John
Giant fairy is Oddjob.
gellaho
Magic seems unpleasant
FancyShark
He briefly considered having the sacrifice in It's A Small World, but that would've gotten too dark
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
He chose poorly.
FancyShark
wait, holy hell
That's where she is
It's A Small World
Brendan of Yesteryear
All these glamours and not one character with a hideously large cock.
gellaho
Ah, this is the Tony Martin era of Black Sabbath. Truly the dark ages
FancyShark
It's Disney Satan
gellaho
Who would have guessed that the skeleton might be bad at defense
FancyShark
Khasim died as he lived: nowhere near having the upper hand
gellaho
Not a great showing from Ashtar either
John
In a world of magic, I promise that was the first spell invented. Independently discovered by 10,000 different men.
FancyShark
oh hey, the heroes actually did something this time
gellaho
Welp, I officially have no idea what is happening
FancyShark
Thanatos the Defense Attorney Unicorn Knight
gellaho
I know Morgan Le Fay gave him a magic ring, but that's a weird reaction from Yasmine
John
So, he's Arthur?
FancyShark
I thought he was just Modred's stepdad
gellaho
I think he's turned into an ancient Old One
Because Morgana got the ring from her parent who was an Old One
I'll be honest, I wasn't paying a lot of attention to the ring
John
It's good to know that even though we're only seeing 10% of the book, you're just as lost.
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Either that or he's a power ranger.
gellaho
Some dudes are still into that
John
DRAGON!!!
YES!
FIGHT! THAT! DRAGON!
FancyShark
FINALLY!
John
THEN! FUCK! IT!
gellaho
Gor'Blimey
FancyShark
YEAH!
wait, what?
John
you heard me
FancyShark
Shit, I want that guy as my defense attorney if I ever need one
John
After you slay the dragon, it turns into a beautiful, dead gi....ohhhhh
gellaho
I guess that explains this
gellaho
The clues were there all along
John
I'm glad I didn't catch that.
Because that's clearly a wyvern.
gellaho
He is stabbing the shit out of this dragon
Brendan of Yesteryear
My favorite thing about Brits and Americans understanding one another is how our level of knowledge is always just based on whatever media made it here in our youth.
"So how many cowboys have offices in the Empire State Building?"
gellaho
Kinda
Brendan of Yesteryear
"I don't know, Andy Capp, do your mod women still say 'Cor!'?"
Billy killed a lady? Or Merlin did?
John
She could still be hot.
FancyShark
Thanatos killed a dragon lady
FancyShark
Briefly
gellaho
Hey, Jessica, he's thirteen. Not cool
John
Hawke really throwing us for a loop. An inappropriately young boy with an older girl?
What will he do next?
Brendan of Yesteryear
Deeply?!
FancyShark
It really is the most magical place on earth
John
He's small, so she found his uvula quicker than expected.
Brendan of Yesteryear
It's weird because a great many 13 year old boys dream of a gorgeous naked lady kissing them deeply but as soon as one does we're all rightly like HEY HEY HEY NO
gellaho
It's Disney's fault for outsourcing their wizards to the lowest bidder
Brendan of Yesteryear
It's tough being 13 is my point.
gellaho
That might be an Orlando only joke, I don't know
This is the only thing Merlin has been right about
Brendan of Yesteryear
So Oscar is a dim memory, but this is the actual extant Disneyland.
gellaho
You have some doubts about Disney being able to outlive the Oscars?
John
Is that a typo or is the city actually called Los Angles now?
gellaho
Just pretend it's Merlin being an old man
FancyShark
It's Spanish for "The Angles"
John
There's a whole society of people dedicated to restoring it to it's former glory. We might have skipped that in our recap.
FancyShark
Hawke gave us a detailed breakdown of their club's organization
gellaho
I imagine Graywand needs medication to get erections
John
I expect more anti-Hispanic racism from old men talking about Los Angeles.
Brendan of Yesteryear
Not anymore but in whatever year Hawke wrote this they'd gone three years without a hit and copyright expiry approacheth
No Marvel, Lucasfilm etc.
gellaho
Old man Merlin
gellaho
Simon is a visionary
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Their last big hit was that one about king Arthur.
FancyShark
Ironic
Brendan of Yesteryear
He probably wrote this around the time of Lion King, which was huge, then I think ziff zoff zuff
John
Turns out it's hard to have an all-knowing ancient character as one of the core group.
Brendan of Yesteryear
Their last trad animation was some cowboys of moo mesa thing.
John
88, so well before the Renaissance.
Or just before, anyway.
gellaho
Oh, also Thanatos died
FancyShark
So that armor was worthless
John
But he got to go out while mounting a dragon/beautiful woman and repeatedly thrusting into her.
Like a fucking hero.
gellaho
Which is important because Billy has a new friend
Brendan of Yesteryear
At least he died doing what he loved: being death
John
Real writer putting my jokes to shame. You fucker.
FancyShark
Meanwhile, all those defendants are being told they need a new attorney
Because of a dragon
gellaho
And we end with Billy Slade, the doubly possessed boy
gellaho
FancyShark
Billy will be Legion by the time we're done
John
There are so many more of these books than I thought, too.
gellaho
Well, it's mine now... Rogart(?)
FancyShark
How many?
gellaho
Less than TimeWars, but still a lot
John
9
FancyShark
Daaaamn
gellaho
Depends on if you include The Nine Lives of Catseye Gomez, but yeah
FancyShark
Still impressive
Brendan of Yesteryear
Billy is going to be completely insane in a year
gellaho
We have defeated The Wizard of Sunset Strip
FancyShark
We did it!
Brendan of Yesteryear
He just kissed his first girl, except he got molested, and he has TWO ancient old men living in him.
FancyShark
Great work, everyone!
John
Good work, team. Thanks, @gellaho
Fuck!
Scooped one more time
FancyShark
Yes, thanks @gellaho !
Dammit!
Scooped!
Brendan of Yesteryear
Thank you for the fun, gellaho
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Thanks for doing this as usual.
Greg
hahahahah
I had not seen the cover
FancyShark
Have a great night, hotdoggers. I leave this to play us out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daa9pZDxfIY
John
Good night @FancyShark
And also to everyone else.
Greg
I'm glad I made the last half of this one for once. Thanks everyone
gellaho
Simon Hawke sells this on Kindle, so I'm appreciative for his continued disdain for Disney
John
A dangerous thing to admit when you live so close. You'll be hooded and tortured if you're not careful.
