57: The Wizard of Sunset Strip Simon Hawke

Peak Wombatical Perfection

It's different for reasons.

gellaho

Oops, sex dungeon

FancyShark

oopsie

Brendan of Yesteryear

Thauma Pictures must be still making D-films, right?

The Toxic Spellcaster

FancyShark

Hawke is weirdly prudish despite how horny he is. All the villains are sexual deviants

Peak Wombatical Perfection

Oh no mirrors and young women.

How deviant

Wait doesn't the hero hang around with a teenager?

FancyShark

Look, you don't make a secret sex dungeon only you can-

wait, he's the only one that can go in or out. How are those women still alive?

gellaho

"What? I thought you would like all these brainwashed slaves! I cured your drug addiction I created! Come on!"

Peak Wombatical Perfection

He's got those gravity feeders for dogs

And then there are those water things they use for gerbils.

Peak Wombatical Perfection

He seems nice.

gellaho

A bold strategy when hiding is to get into acting

Peak Wombatical Perfection

I'm pretty sure if we knew a powerful warlock who could erase our minds or kill us had committed terrible crimes, we'd all blackmail him.

gellaho

Magic seems unpleasant

FancyShark

I think I'd just call the cops

Peak Wombatical Perfection

While remaining at the same job that required constantly being around him.

That's just logic.

Peak Wombatical Perfection

Cops?

Ha!

gellaho

Quite the lippy book

Peak Wombatical Perfection

Nah, I can handle the warlock. Look, I'm going to taunt him.

Brendan of Yesteryear

Sympathetic magic should at least have the rule of percentages.

Like you get 1/10,000 of the hairs that fall off my head every day, you are gonna at best give me a faint sense of unease with that needle.

gellaho

Seems like Khasim hasn't gotten his hands dirty yet

Peak Wombatical Perfection

I disengaged that part of my brain because otherwise I'd be so annoyed. So I'm glad you've got this, Brendan.

gellaho

But first, liiiips

Peak Wombatical Perfection

Lick them lips, pretty boy.

FancyShark

I assume most SFX technicians have to do this at some point in their career

John

Only the non-union ones, strangely.

Peak Wombatical Perfection

It's all politics.

The union outsourced their blood sacrifices to the Chinese ages ago.

GDC and a bucket of shuriken

Post-Collapse Bollywood must be insane.

FancyShark

It's like Avatar: The Last Airbender

Way more facial hair tho

gellaho

It's a bold plan to use the exact same murder methods in your cover-up

FancyShark

Well, case closed then

gellaho

Especially when the guy you are killing was the prime suspect

Brendan of Yesteryear

I bet they leaned hard into the western perception of India's spirituality and it's like 90% fake adepts calling to confirm your purchase of a ThaumaPhone from Amazon.rune

gellaho

The enchanted broom is out for blood

Brendan of Yesteryear

Buncha fakirs, I tell ya. HEY O

John

I like that magic birds also forget the rest of songs. Just like me!

GDC and a bucket of shuriken

There's enough knowledge of pre-collapse pop culture that a bird can sing songs from then, but no one knows what an oscar is

Simon Hawke never let consistency get in the way of two bad jokes.

Brendan of Yesteryear

Forgetting the words to "Memories" is funny though.

gellaho

Simon Hawke doesn't think too highly of his position

GDC and a bucket of shuriken

Okay, one good joke, and one joke Terry Pratchett did way better.

FancyShark

This is still pre-divorce Hawke, right?

gellaho

This was "For Marge." I don't know what his wife's name is currently. I know he's married

Transitional king

FancyShark

Try describing it, Simon

gellaho

Thanatos is one of those "aura" hippies

FancyShark

Thanatos means there's still a fine mist of Cameron in the air

gellaho

Yay, Spago-Pogo

FancyShark

How nostalgic is the cuisine? Same preparation or did they find a bunch of Lean Cuisines in a freezer?

Do they have Ecto Cooler on tap?

gellaho

Merlin does not approve of casting

gellaho

That necromancy film trap worked out immediately

GDC and a bucket of shuriken

"He's a drunk!" huge bong rip

Brendan of Yesteryear

This is definitely a conversation he had at a party and wrote down.

FancyShark

The best traps involve as many bystanders as possible

gellaho

Khasim seems like a real hoot

FancyShark

So Khasim is the Zodiac Killer?

gellaho

Khasim has entered his stalking phase

FancyShark

Oh, he's a plain old thrill killer

Or sadist or something. I'm not sure. This isn't "werewolf assassin" like the last book

gellaho

It's nice of Jessica to set up her own murder

gellaho

I'm glad Simon has finally decided to specify what was moistening the lips. I've been confused this whole time

FancyShark

You could make a porno for a fraction of the price, Modred

gellaho

I gotta remember the line "You watch TV or have a job?" It seems like a real winner

gellaho

Billy Slade: Dick Knifer

FancyShark

Threatening strange children with spankings really died out at some point, didn't it?

gellaho

Merlin: Master of Nude Magic

Brendan of Yesteryear

Hey gotta go cook dinner for a naked lady, so if somebody can give me the gist from everything after the Memories bit when I return...

gellaho

This dude is having a real one

gellaho

FancyShark

Junk punch!

gellaho

Khasim has swapped places with a wolf

gellaho

A real shitty wolf

FancyShark

As one does

Sparkle Hands is a deadly spell

gellaho

Just doing werewolves again

gellaho

You gotta ration your supply of ladies, Khasim

FancyShark

Khasim really is going to have a tough time explaining this at the mission

gellaho

Fun Fact: Bryant Winslow also means death

FancyShark

He turned to necromancy to try and equal his brother Michael

But he couldn't

gellaho

Gor'Blimey

FancyShark

Smoke up, young man

gellaho

Simon has been saving paper by not using proper chapter breaks

FancyShark

It's actually pronounced "Darks One"

gellaho

Runestone Wolverine powers

FancyShark

Convenient, being immune to the thing that has killed all the bad guys

gellaho

Hardy Boys has made me expect capitalization for Dumpster

FancyShark

"Almost levitating. Flying at low altitude."

gellaho

Hey, it's Mikey Blood

gellaho

Apparently Thanatos has been to the excavation site from the first book and has been investigating these fuckos for a while

Because he was sleeping with Modred's mom

gellaho

Thanks for putting that the weirdest way possible, Modred

FancyShark

ew

Maybe Hawke was all too aware of the San Fernando Valley

gellaho

"And nobody on set thought it was weird that he was summoning a demon?"

FancyShark

That's at least an OSHA violation

gellaho

The BOT needs better security if some teamsters can get their files

gellaho

Cryptobiosis

FancyShark

If only there were mages on the police force that could counter such a spell

gellaho

Gorman looking to get murdered

gellaho

And busting out his Jedi powers

gellaho

GDC and a bucket of shuriken

I wouldn't put it past Hawke to try and do a 'not the droids you're looking for' bit.

FancyShark

I hope Gorman's relying on nothing but raw charisma

gellaho

Khasim, I have some notes on your murder techniques

jakesy, goddamn vulcan

I am LAB MAN

The worse mega-man boss of all time

gellaho

Gorman's patented desk investigation techniques

FancyShark

That fireball better not have been the failsafe spell

Because if so, weak

gellaho

Oopsie

gellaho

Hopefully Zeke has no relation to Joe

FancyShark

Zeke got the morality

gellaho

Khasim, stop doing whiteface. It's very offensive

FancyShark

oh gross. I just realized Hawke answered my earlier question about how the women in the dungeon are alive

gellaho

In that they aren't

gellaho

RIP Gorman

FancyShark

This would all be very shocking, Simon, if you hadn't played this card in the last book

gellaho

Another successful investigation completed

FancyShark

Job well done

gellaho

Thanatos doesn't have the best grasp of the law

FancyShark

Because when going through withdrawal, flayed corpses help calm people down

Greg

This is a strange book

gellaho

"It's my hide they'll scream"

Greg

To be clear this is Hawke's goofy wizard series? With corny "Stealers" jokes?

gellaho

The Wizard series is separate from the Reluctant Sorcerer series

Greg

Ah

gellaho

The Wizard series takes place in the future, whereas The Reluctant Sorcerer involves time travel to the past

FancyShark

This is his not-comedy series

gellaho

But it is odd that this series of books about Wizards involves so much police procedural when Steele had none

I am skipping so much police stuff, that's why you haven't seen much about the redhead

I'm trying to decide if this is a McDonald's joke

FancyShark

I'd say so

Greg

I was confused because whenever I dipped in tonight there would be goofy stuff like a mess of parrots singing 9 different pop songs over each other

FancyShark

His jokes in this series are mostly dumb, but some do land. More than in his comedy books

gellaho

This animal sounds like a nightmare

Greg

Women!

gellaho

A goddamned nightmare

FancyShark

So it's a giant tribble

gellaho

Oh, good, it talks

FancyShark

Okay, now it's creepy

gellaho

Thanatos is surprised by a thirteen year old in his hotel room

Greg

30 pounds is an enormous slug cat to have drop on you from the ceiling

gellaho

"Your dead wife was a real bitch, Thanatos"

FancyShark

Merlin acting as the hype man for Modred's angry child

gellaho

Modred's having a tantrum at his step-dad

FancyShark

Thanksgiving is going to be awkward

gellaho

"Really, nothing? You suck Thanatos"

gellaho

Also, gross Kira

Greg

I might be late to this observation but Michael Blood is a fantastic name

FancyShark

He was genuinely great in the last book

gellaho

Khasim meets leggy redhead #2

gellaho

Dark magic seems unpleasant

gellaho

Ashtar, redhead #3

FancyShark

Getting a Lannister vibe

gellaho

Sick, are they going to play War Pigs?

FancyShark

Sorcerer priest is a dual class build. Those take time.

gellaho

Getting all sorts of Whitechapel cameos late in the book

gellaho

Good to know that I have the same build as a fairy

FancyShark

Sounds like you've got Halloween sorted this year

gellaho

Take this as personal experience, but you don't look like a blimp if you are 6' 6" and 300 lbs.

gellaho

I'll take juggernaut though

FancyShark

It's funny how Simon seems eager to focus on anyone except the people he insists are the heroes of the series

gellaho

Even a journalist!

Greg

I miss when he would randomly make Steele muse about humanity or the nature of violence for 2 pages

gellaho

he gets tired of main characters very quickly

Even when he's writing from the first person like in Psychodrome

FancyShark

That's true

gellaho

Where the main character always has to be present, he's still like "this dude's a dweeb"

FancyShark

He should have taken a cue from Pratchett in one regard: don't have the same main character for every story. You can change it up. Follow the more interesting people.

Although I guess he's kind of doing that

gellaho

A poignant moment with the Yiddish broom

FancyShark

He also can't help wishing he'd been a doctor

gellaho

Oh. Yes.

This is glorious

Simon you beautiful bastard

FancyShark

Yes

YES

gellaho

I mean, that's Disneyland not the Magic Kingdom. But whatever

GDC and a bucket of shuriken

I think we found his motive for the book taking place in California.

Greg

Hahahahaha

FancyShark

We've finally hit a vein of crazy

gellaho

Hell yeah

Greg

Hahahaha he is explaining Disneyland!

FancyShark

"You readers might not be familiar with Disney"

John

I love that he goes to greater lengths to tell us what Dis.....dammit

FancyShark

hahaha, dammit, scooped

John

Scooped again

fuck

!

gellaho

This was written in 1988, right before The Little Mermaid

So Disney was sort of in the toilet

FancyShark

hahaha, so he thought this was going to be describing a relic

John

I'm sure even then no one was like "what is Dis-uh-nee?"

gellaho

Knights of the Magic Kingdom

FancyShark

Like the Knights of Columbus, but sadder and more expensive

Greg

I am all about this

gellaho

Oh, God. This is better than anything I could have expected

John

He's basically inventing the people who defend Elon Musk on Twitter right here.

gellaho

Look at all these dorks

Greg

I thought he was going to do a bit like Brockway's choice for shows from the wrong decade with the zombie apocalypse cliques but it is much more literally than that

FancyShark

This is my favorite thing Hawke does

Overthinking minor details

Greg

Yes. And this will absolutely have no payoff

gellaho

There's no better place to hide dark magics

GDC and a bucket of shuriken

He hyperfocuses on the weirdest things that aren't relevant.

FancyShark

I know! It's fantastic!

oh god, Hawke

Please, PLEASE have them fight mascots

Demons in mascot costumes

Greg

Better yet, just explain in detail how one becomes a mascot and the lifestyle it entails

FancyShark

Tell us the story of the guy in the Cogsworth costume and how he has to cut himself to make it through the day and drink himself to sleep

John

I would love to hear Hawke's thoughts about the communal underwear.

Greg

Yes equal parts unnecessary, nonsensical and tragic

gellaho

This will be my second book involving a theme park and magic powers

John

Those are rookie numbers.

gellaho

Once again Simon Hawke and Peter David are opposites of the same coin

Oh, also Jessica got kidnapped

FancyShark

But gellaho, what if this place also has an elaborate security system that murders everyone in the park?

John

Please let Harlan have the rank of "Master" in the Knights of the Magic Kingdom.

Please.

gellaho

Tourist lives

John

Is she the Barbarian sister?

FancyShark

My god. The whole park is filthy with ammunition

Seems like cops would cart around deathrow inmates as ammo

gellaho

Magic booby traps

FancyShark

Magic mines

They're like claymore mines filled with glitter and shrapnel

gellaho

Meanwhile: an unbaptism

John

"I set the magic booby traps, sir."

"Did you remember not to leave any gaps someone could sneak through?"

"Err...yeah."

gellaho

Satan's rosary

FancyShark

Khasim didn't think a bowlful of grapes and a bowlful of pasta was good enough for his haunted house

gellaho

Meanwhile: a kid wants a stone shoved in his head

FancyShark

If that kid doesn't get murdered with a rock, then what the hell are you doing, Simon?

John

"Why it almost looks like a stolen magical artifact. Like that one in the papers. Everyone, look at this guy!"

gellaho

Gargoyle attack!

FancyShark

Good. Their cover remains intact

gellaho

Beret counterattack!

FancyShark

Fuck yes!

John

If this was a Hardy boys book, that would have been a cliffhanger chapter end.

Wait, he's magic Oddjob?

FancyShark

Makepeace going all Oddjob on them

dammit!

John

YES! Finally, I was the scooper

It took over a year, but I fucking did it

gellaho

The ol' dancing skeleton distraction

John

Look those niches, Wyrdrune

FancyShark

An exhaustive search

Well, they tried

gellaho

Meanwhile: The Black Sabbath set begins

FancyShark

The opening band was The Wiggles. It really messed with the tone of the show.

gellaho

Damn you, Sleepy! I trusted you!

FancyShark

I want huge dwarves. Just once.

John

Makepeace is a huge fairy. That's sort of the same.

gellaho

I just realized that this is a Fantasia reference

gellaho

you weren't satisfied with the rastafarian lumberjack dwarves?

FancyShark

It's a pretty great "fuck you" to Hollywood to set a story there and then focus on Disney

FancyShark

...dammit, why would you do that, man? We're friends

gellaho

It's a real fantasia now

FancyShark

The broom is going to save the day

gellaho

Magic seems unpleasant

John

Let me fix one line for you real quick, Simon:

"naked teenaged adult girls women and boys men"

gellaho

The kids are going to love this human sacrifice show

FancyShark

Just skipping right past the sweet dino fight and going right to the satyrs, Simon?

I guess the ballet with the crocodile and hippo is still out there

gellaho

This must be an Ozzie concert, Dio would never have allowed this

FancyShark

Still better than Busch Gardens

Yeah, I said it

Brendan of Yesteryear

Still going??

What'd I miss?

FancyShark

Still going!

gellaho

I mean, where else would you have expected

gellaho

FancyShark

They're at Disneyland!

It's the center of a planned mass sacrifice!

All of the murders were in a certain radius of the Magic Kingdom!

John

There's someone who I'm still hoping has a title of "master" so that they call him Master Bates.

FancyShark

HAWKE EXPLAINED DISNEYLAND

John

Giant fairy is Oddjob.

gellaho

Magic seems unpleasant

FancyShark

He briefly considered having the sacrifice in It's A Small World, but that would've gotten too dark

GDC and a bucket of shuriken

He chose poorly.

FancyShark

wait, holy hell

That's where she is

It's A Small World

Brendan of Yesteryear

All these glamours and not one character with a hideously large cock.

gellaho

Ah, this is the Tony Martin era of Black Sabbath. Truly the dark ages

FancyShark

It's Disney Satan

gellaho

Who would have guessed that the skeleton might be bad at defense