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gellaho
🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) Poll Time 🚨 This time, you must choose which sport will terrorize the Boys:
⚾ #46 - Foul Play
🤼♂️ #51 - Choke Hold
🏈 #95 - Illegal Procedure
Vote by reaction on this post.
Dolphin cop Thrillho
Number 80 is all “No, not that way, you idiot!”
FancyShark
Dangit. Was making a joke about a typo on Illegal Procedure before realizing part of the cover was torn
FancyShark
"That football's a computer! Get away before it explodes!"
Evil J
"stop all the downloading"
Mo's Over, Synergy
that's the nuclear football, you dumbass!
FancyShark
Frank in the common sports fan attire of pink sweater and jorts
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
I'm voting choke hold because I'm hoping for an exploding wrestler
gellaho
The people have spoken, we will be reading about the Hardy Boys in the wrasslin' ring. How will Frank and Joe escape being maimed by the "muscle-masters"? Is Sammy "The Kung Fu King" Rand related to Superstar Rapster Randy Rand? This Friday, 5pm eastern, Franklin W. Dixon dares Vince McMahon to sue him in The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #51: Choke Hold.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway pin this like a roided out man-beast pins a weak teenage Hardy Boy
John
He even has a sergeant's insignia on his onesie. I can't wait to find out his legally-distinct-from-Sergeant-Slaughter name.
Gentleman Brendan
He's actually Randy the rapper in a unitard
gellaho
Coming up on the hour, it's The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #51: Choke Hold. Here's your preview
FancyShark
Not an illegal move!
gellaho
Frank clearly thinks it being illegal is worse than the broken neck
FancyShark
I wish he'd been consistently worried like that. "Oh no! They cut that lady in half! That's illegal!"
Metal Sheepdog, Killology PhD
Are they in mexico? Because piledrivers, afaik, are only illegal in lucha libre rules
FancyShark
Frank Dixon is probably counting on his readers not knowing anything about wrestling. Which is a dangerous gamble given the target audience and era it was published
Mo's Over, Synergy
you could just say it was the territory's rules, where's my no-prize
Metal Sheepdog, Killology PhD
according to the wiki, it was published in 1991. 5 years later, a lot of confused wrestling fans bought this book and wondered why they didn't do a swanton
gellaho
I guess we're skipping the formalities, they're already in the ring
FancyShark
I'm glad they mentioned the hammerlock or this would have started weird
John
After space camp, the logical next stop was wrestling camp.
gellaho
The traditional Kung fu attire
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
he's...dressed like Luke Cage?
Metal Sheepdog, Killology PhD
Or Adam from Streets of Rage 1
gellaho
Sammy Rand the Kung Fu Master, wrassler, and karate instructor
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
Danny Rand going under an assumed name but also not being too bright
FancyShark
When you want to learn wrestling, you go to a karate master who calls himself the Kung Fu King
gellaho
Sammy didn't explain why he was taking two high school boys across state borders
FancyShark
Kung Fu reasons
gellaho
Sammy breaking kayfabe
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
oh good I was kind of worried we were gonna go under the "wrestling is real" assumption for this book
FancyShark
Joe and Frank's childhood just ended
gellaho
Where do you go after the chair doesn't work? Ammonia poisoning, obviously
gellaho
FancyShark
It was supposed to be filled with strychnine
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
you put cat piss in a guy's bottle one time and suddenly it's a murder attempt
gellaho
Well, once the owner of the company ignores this, your next step is your former students
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
I mean, this tracks with what I know about vince mcmaha- NAAW? REALLY?!
gellaho
Best not take the bottle to the police or anything
FancyShark
There's a janitor that's wondering where his chair and bottle of ammonia went
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
"let's not go to the cops, I will instead ask children to solve this mystery. this is a logical thing done by smart people"
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
alternatively, a very confused cat
gellaho
And, when a wrestler turns you down, completely give up and try selling your company
Metal Sheepdog, Killology PhD
Well, steroids and concussions lead people to make questiobable choices
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
again, tracks with what we know about vince
100%
FancyShark
"Sir, there's other wrestlers..."
"Forget it. They'll probably all say no. This whole business was a dumb idea."
gellaho
Don't stretch yourself too hard coming up with wrestlers for your book
gellaho
"I couldn't get reruns for Happy Days so I'm selling the TV Network now too"
FancyShark
Major Disaster doesn't sound scary when it's what you call a colossal failure
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
why are the two wrestlers we've seen both wearing baggy pants?
I don't watch a lot of wrestling but isn't baggy clothing a bad idea?
gellaho
I'm getting mixed signals on the reality here
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
what
FancyShark
Wow, flirting works different in wrestling
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
I can't tell if it's gay chicken or high commitment to kayfabe even though the only audience is two kids in on it
FancyShark
If it's the latter, it further cements that Disaster is a better actor than Sammy
gellaho
These are some swell names, Franklin
FancyShark
Seems like Fred Stone would have been a much cooler name
Slim sounds like a weasel. Not metaphorically
gellaho
Time for our first patented Hardy Boys cliffhanger
FancyShark
So he'll...slip?
gellaho
Not really
FancyShark
Doomed!
C'mon, Frank. They're not fighting over a snake pit
gellaho
"'Check into possible murderer,' it's a good thing I wrote that down. I could have forgot!"
FancyShark
"I don't really know the guy, but I suspect him of murder"
gellaho
Alliteration is not always the best idea
FancyShark
"He tore the ligaments out with his bare hands. It accomplished nothing but it was badass."
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
I hate this Mayflower bullshit already
3 characters with alliterative M names and they're all related to each other
that's not gonna be hard to keep track of or anything
gellaho
ICE ALERT
FancyShark
It's so they can get bulk orders of monogrammed towel sets
gellaho
@che jakesy, sports revolutionary we have an Ice Alert!
FancyShark
Give your love to an Ethan Berry man
gellaho
Jesus Christ Frank, you're supposed to be the smart one
FancyShark
"What do you mean 'wins'?"
gellaho
"Are you okay, Frank?"
dr
“ok but when they throw you at the ropes why do you keep running? Can’t you just stop?”
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
jesus christ they didn't know?!
FancyShark
"Frank, did you not hear the first thing I mentioned?"
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
so they just blew past the fake chair last chapter?
didn't stop to think about that?
gellaho
"Frank, you didn't catch on that this was fake when I told you he was supposed to use a rigged chair?"
FancyShark
"It was supposed to be balsa wood" didn't provide any kind of hint?
gellaho
"Or when I said we choreographed the matches?"
FancyShark
"Or when you looked over at the other wrestlers practicing their routines?"
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
frank you're supposed to be the smart Hardy!
Mo's Over, Synergy
Frank rn:
https://youtu.be/Yvd3aEsThbc?t=13
FancyShark
Joe must be foaming at the mouth
gellaho
I don't know enough about wrestling to know if Warfield is supposed to resemble a real person
FancyShark
Joe's been saying all this out loud
"He'd let his body get out of shape now."
"Hey, screw you!"
gellaho
They just let their competition into the training facility while they're filming?
dr
Depends if the next paragraph is about him suing a website to death for linking his sextape
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
marvel lawyers: pardon?
FancyShark
East is upset he couldn't find any buyers for his corporation
gellaho
So mad he couldn't give up completely
FancyShark
"I can't take it anymore! Guess I'll keep going."
gellaho
Frank figuring he can just commandeer vehicles
FancyShark
Frank knows he can rely on Joe being a voyeur
Also, has Disaster done anything around them to warrant suspicion yet?
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
he was very angry at rand?
gellaho
They saw him and Missy leaving the room with the rope climb
So not really
Frank follows Disaster to an office building and
FancyShark
Please be a security guard
gellaho
An actual cliffhanger? I don't know if this is legal
FancyShark
Just to confirm his suspicion, Joe will now stalk the Roman brothers
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
there's a reason real life pro wrestling uses "face" and "heel"
gellaho
This fake confrontation is going on for a long time
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
frank is absolutely shit at writing wrestler beef dialogue
FancyShark
"Your mouth against my muscle" doesn't sound as threatening as you might think it does, Sammy
gellaho
How dare he
gellaho
"He expects me to do my job? I almost fell off the rope climb!"
FancyShark
Jeez, Sammy. Maybe he'll be more sympathetic if you tell him you broke a nail?
dr
I can’t believe anyone in the wrestling business would crave money or attention like that!
gellaho
This is 1991? Sure, I completely and totally believe this
FancyShark
Mars is in retrograde and I still have to wrestle?!
FancyShark
His campaign was "Give me all your steroids or I'll kill you"
gellaho
Nineteen
FancyShark
She sounds terrifying
gellaho
So he's complaining about getting hit in the side with a wooden chair?
FancyShark
Sammy would later change his name to Tony Romo and play football
gellaho
People took chair shots to the head
This is a terrible murder attempt
FancyShark
hahaha
gellaho
Also terrible motive
gellaho
I don't think that's it either, Sammy
FancyShark
haha, Dixon
Death by Christmas steroids
dr
Going to be extremely disappointed if the real motive isn’t just CTE
gellaho
Frank, how did you lose sight of the guy you were following
FancyShark
Major Disaster did three tours in 'Nam. He knows how to evade pursuit
gellaho
Now, why would a wrestler go see a shady doctor Frank
dr
Take it easy, I’m exactly the sort of person you’re paid to beat on!
gellaho
Uh, oh. Joe's on the loose
FancyShark
That's a good question, Sammy.
Wait, is spreading mustard on rye bread a way to express anger?
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Frank. You are really dumb in this one
FancyShark
Piling ham and cheese equals quizzical
dr
That sandwich is going to be important to the plot later
FancyShark
This is teaching me there's an entire play of emotions going on when I go to Subway
gellaho
Sure
FancyShark
heh
gellaho
Frank, I know this isn't the first time that this has happened to you
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Frank, you know you can't drive a manual.
FancyShark
The best way to survive a car crash is to just let it happen
gellaho
Meanwhile, Joe's stalking has ended predictably
FancyShark
Do it, Mitch
gellaho
This seems like a real interaction between two people
FancyShark
So many burglars have used this ploy to rob Mitch blind
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Mitch. Don't get distracted. Joe is a danger to your sister.
gellaho
Joe, I'm not sure this is the best gambit
FancyShark
Joe, he has a gun
gellaho
OK, Gorgeous George is real. You can't be doing that
FancyShark
"Introduce him to the old man" means "bury him alive in the cellar floor"
gellaho
The father's name can't also be Mike
gellaho
Stop it
FancyShark
The 'M' key got stuck, okay?
Joe really likes taking note of other men's muscles
gellaho
Joe's staying for dinner now
gellaho
For some reason
FancyShark
Hopefully, they're going to cannibalize him
gellaho
Why is this happening
FancyShark
A three-brown meal
gellaho
Is Missy actually his manager? She's 19 and this is supposed to be fake
FancyShark
Vegetables are for the weak
gellaho
Sure, normal thing for former wrestlers
FancyShark
"Remember, Joe. I can use any one of these on your penis if you lay a hand on Missy"
gellaho
So, how old is the major?
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
they're painting disaster as such an obvious villain that I'll honestly be disappointed if he turns out to be the culprit
gellaho
"Cocaine, booze, and horse tranquilizers my boy"
FancyShark
At least we've got a more apparent crime now
"Wrestlers also fought to the death back then"
gellaho
Knives: famous for sawing
dr
Bowie knives are like two fucking feet long
What sort of purse is this
FancyShark
Since there's no personal massager in there, I think we know what the knife is for
gellaho
"I want to obscure my license plate, but only at night"
FancyShark
Yeah, cops won't care about that
gellaho
"I should be alone, so the murderer has an easier time"
FancyShark
"Who's Joe?"
"Dammit, Frank."
gellaho
Seems like somebody who should be trusted in the ring
dr
I mean I’m pretty sure that’s how you get a WWE audition?
FancyShark
I can see why Missy liked him
gellaho
I'm pretty sure this isn't how this works
gellaho
especially considering these two are in a different company
FancyShark
Jimmy is also short for 'victory', because they're not very bright
gellaho
"Don't let the Romans buffalo you" - I've never seen anyone unironically use the verb form of Buffalo
gellaho
Also, is wrestling real or not?
FancyShark
"Tear off his head and fuck the bloody stump! Wrestling's all in good fun, kids!"
gellaho
I can't understand the reality of this
gellaho
Frank can't do the count
FancyShark
So they rehearse but they're fully capable of beating each other to death
dr
Like
Wouldn’t this be way more compelling if the Hardy’s thought this was a worked fight?
And then the dudes beat the shit out of them?
gellaho
Here's the murder attempt
dr
And disaster could be the ref?
FancyShark
An illegal move in a practice match!
The stakes could not be higher!
gellaho
Major Disaster may not be the guy , but Jesus
FancyShark
Disaster's thinking to himself "Dear God, someone save those kids! I can't drop character! I have to scream for their blood!"
gellaho
Lol
FancyShark
"This ends when I say it does!"
gellaho
"I loved watching the awkward high schoolers"
FancyShark
Yeah, Sammy. You've been making the whole organization dance to your tune so far.
gellaho
What a fun interaction between two students and their former teacher
FancyShark
"I always feel clean after seeing your naked body, brother."
gellaho
Is Goldfinger behind this?
FancyShark
"Well, we tried."
gellaho
Now that the door and window are open, the temperature is rising?
FancyShark
But it's being vented out. Who cares if it rises?
gellaho
No shit
FancyShark
All of this could still be caused by Sammy being a careless idiot
gellaho
No way
FancyShark
They ignore the sign saying "Control sticks. Please use caution when setting temp"
gellaho
"I need to tell people to take care of their bodies!"
FancyShark
Those speeches are hell on the body
gellaho
I CAN'T ALLOW ANYONE TO STOP ME
FancyShark
If I don't wrestle, they'll think I think steroids are cool!
dr
But doc, we’re independent contractors! I don’t have health coverage!
gellaho
AAAAAHHHHAAAHAHA, yes
gellaho
Yesssssss
FancyShark
YEEESSS
One man must find the courage to tell kids to not use steroids
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The doctor is like 'I've dealt with wrestlers before. Your brain is going to make a great article in Lancet.'
gellaho
THE PEOPLE MUST KNOW
FancyShark
Jesus, Sammy. It's not the Gettysburg Address or "I Have a Dream".
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Taking a brave, lone stand against Big Steroid.
dr
Kinda hoping for a murder on the orient express, now
FancyShark
Who are big, because of steroids
gellaho
"4 score and seven injections ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new sports entertainment, conceived in wrasslin, and dedicated to simulated combat, brother."
This sounds like an ex-wrestler
gellaho
stuttering while talking to two teens
FancyShark
And yet he still had the balls to turn down East's offer to sell his company
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
My autocomplete now suggests Lenny should follow Big. I blame all of you for this.
gellaho
Seems like a plan that would work
gellaho
These two resemble wrestlers
FancyShark
Man, if Joe can follow your plan, you fucked up
gellaho
They won't have them there, dipshit
gellaho
It's not a pharmacy
FancyShark
"Nothing but insulin in here."
gellaho
Who is saying that
gellaho
And why are they yelling at the nurse
dr
Motherfuckers the box won’t say “steroids” on i— never mind
gellaho
Sure, he's also there. Why the heck not
FancyShark
"Please, kids. Run away. I can't break character!"
gellaho
"An uggo," thought Frank, "he must be evil"
FancyShark
Wispy mustaches deserve hatred
gellaho
Asking for an appointment, how unreasonable
gellaho
I love that he respects the Dumpster brand name
FancyShark
"WHAT DO THOSE HAND GESTURES MEAN? WHY ARE YOU SAYING 'SHUSH'?"
Walsh, making no effort to destroy anything that could tie him to a steroid scandal before dumping it in the trash
gellaho
Curious Cat sounds threatening
FancyShark
It's an actual cat
gellaho
Whoever is trying to kill Sammy is really terrible
FancyShark
Their timing is spectacular though
gellaho
Everyone was screaming, but no one but the Hardy Boys move to help
FancyShark
The warnings sounded like more noise, but the screeching metal heard over the crowd was inaudible to them
gellaho
I think the canvas is a bigger concern, numbnuts
FancyShark
Sammy sure gives up quick for a guy determined to not let anyone stop him
"I will fight to the last breath or if I get an owie"
gellaho
These are the dumbest kids
FancyShark
"Seems worthless. Throw it away."
gellaho
Yeah, really dumb
FancyShark
I hope East is still trying to recruit him
gellaho
Well, the Hardys go over there. I guess the TV network is in driving distance, conveniently. It goes about as well as expected
gellaho
FancyShark
"The Aristocrats!"
gellaho
More attempted murder
FancyShark
Remember to tenderize your victim before shooting them so the bullet goes through easier
gellaho
These children keep getting beat up by grown ass men, they should be in the hospital
FancyShark
So, Frank's now deafened by having a gun go off inches from his unprotected ears, right?
gellaho
Sure
FancyShark
Seems like you could go to the cops at this point, boys. Boys...?
gellaho
What? No, what?
FancyShark
That's...that can't be how that works
gellaho
None of this makes sense
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Frank Dixon does not understand kayfabe.
FancyShark
If a steroid campaign can steal your wrestling org's thunder, you are a terrible showman
gellaho
These two get snuck up on a lot
gellaho
"Sweet, sweet chloroform"
FancyShark
"Oh yeah. That's the good stuff"
gellaho
These two have done nearly nothing so far
FancyShark
No need to shoot them or kill them with any of the accident-prone equipment at the gym
gellaho
They immediately leave the room they were dumped in
gellaho
STAKES!
FancyShark
Sore wrists!
gellaho
OK, I guess the rival wrestling company did it
FancyShark
Always? That must be dull
gellaho
Ahahahaha, heart attack drug
FancyShark
hahaha
gellaho
If you are trying to frame Major Disaster, why make it also look like a heart attack
FancyShark
"Yeah, you're right. We should just sell the company."
"We tried that!"
gellaho
Also, why are these other wrestlers going along with this
What are they getting out of it
FancyShark
They can't break character
gellaho
Like, the Living Weapon hasn't even had any lines
I know nothing about him, he just stands next to East
FancyShark
Once you join a wrestling company, you follow them to the grave
gellaho
The Hardys have already called the cops, I'd suggest leaving, "The Living Weapon"
gellaho
You technically haven't done anything yet
You might get some time for conspiracy, but murdering kids will be worse
I bet if you roll on East they'll commute the sentence
FancyShark
No way. He's an East man through and through.
East in, East out
gellaho
I guess the Romans did not want to help?
FancyShark
"You got this, Weapon!"
gellaho
Huh?
FancyShark
"Actually, sir..."
Wait, did you think they were carrying the guns to hit people?
gellaho
Are they going out guns blazing?
FancyShark
East then forbids them from firing out of fear of bringing the cops down on them
gellaho
I guess they're 50s gangsters now
FancyShark
His powerful, perfectly-normal-size-for-a-man-his-age gun
gellaho
This has taken a strange turn
gellaho
Frank waving the white flag like it's the Civil War, Joe talking like Bugs Bunny
FancyShark
"Sure, I have no reason to question you, only people freely moving at the scene"
gellaho
But the needle boots are here, and not at the wrestling event
gellaho
Why would they have made multiple pairs of needle boots
FancyShark
Stop the match! Disaster is only going to throw that one move over and over! It's too boring!
FancyShark
They were too shy to ask Disaster his boot size, so they made different sizes
gellaho
Stealing a police van, smart
FancyShark
That officer had a fun report to fill out
gellaho
Oh, no consequences for that, cool
FancyShark
The match started and there are still enough fans to clog all the arena entrances? How are they almost bankrupt?
Do they give away a free house with every tenth ticket?
gellaho
The common thing crowds chant: "Unfair!"
FancyShark
"Disingenuous!"
Frank Dixon has totally seen wrestling shows
gellaho
I'm sure they did
FancyShark
That was going to happen anyway
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Oh fuck it’s Hardy boys time. I am three bottles of wine deep on vacation for the weekend and it’s getting messy over here
gellaho
you missed an Ice
FancyShark
You're just in time to see Joe try to stop a pro wrestler from murdering another one with a heart attack drug on a needle in his boot
gellaho
Whatever ends up happening, I think the good Major still needs to go to prison
FancyShark
That female voice better be Missy
gellaho
That's not how that works
FancyShark
Just like in the script...?
gellaho
Pick a lane, ghost writer. Is it real or not?
FancyShark
The best way to defeat someone is with children
gellaho
I love that the first instinct of anyone in these books is murder threats
FancyShark
How powerful is this anti-steroid campaign? Sammy wasn't going to name Walsh
gellaho
"But why were the wrestlers helping East?"
"Don't worry about that."
FancyShark
Their fighting style of using a gun?
gellaho
You know how the police always call your rivals when they arrest you?
FancyShark
It's required by law
And you can't "slap back" a high five, Dixon
gellaho
And we end with another girl slipping through Joe's fingers
FancyShark
Or just drive to her house and recognize her brother
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #51: Choke Hold
gellaho
So concludes another edition of The Book Cage
gellaho
Next Week: The Conclusion of Peter David's run of Photon
FancyShark
Hell yeah. Thanks @gellaho !
Gentleman Brendan
I missed this because I was drinking ok someone else's dime. Few regrets.
Mo's Over, Synergy
I missed it because I was feeling lousy and reading felt bad 😦
