It's a double dose of Hardy! Halloween is coming up, so it's time for something spooky. Frank and Joe must help Stephen King Mark Stevens to fend off deadly traps in his Nightmare House. Join me this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we experience The Hardy Boys #71: Real Horror
@Brockway Pin this or risk getting guillotined in your own home
Wow! I can feel the preppy vibe of their clothes through my screen.
That is aggressive.
If it's just poisons and guillotines emerging and falling on the floor, those should be easy to avoid
Is... Is Joe a guy in his late teens wearing a neon yellow long sleeve button down collared shirt to a cemetery stalking event?
This has to be an 80s book.
That's Frank. Joe has a leather jacket, as per anger.
I obviously have their characters backwards.
I thought Frank was the one who actually thinks he's cool enough to wear a leather jacket, and Joe was the preppy loser.
Frank (brown hair) is a computer dweeb who knows karate
Joe (blond) is a moron who hates women and explodes in every book
Well, today I learned.
Little under an hour until Frank and Joe meet Stephen King Mark Stephens in The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #71: Real Horror.
Here is the preview
"So you're saying you died sooner?"
"Shut up, Joe"
Hahaha
Time to begin
Not enough tombstones have gargoyles anymore
Heavyset with a beard? I didn't think that was legal in this universe
"Because humans are the real monsters. You don't think there are monsters nowadays, but they're all around us. Because they're human"
Getting a little too into describing the teens
"What if I told you the real monster was... man?"
"Frank's lips were supple, while Joe's were taught and firm"
"excellent" reputations?
The chief spent the whole last book bitching at them for getting in the way.
Just another example of an author insisting on making a character a minor for no reason. They're never in school anyway, just say they're 18 and 19.
Maybe we're grading on a curve
For timeline reference, this is the book directly preceding The Screamers, aka Exploding Computer: The Novel
Of course. The "everyone gets a smiley face curve." Even Joe, who ate his paste and his computer project exploded.
Famous reader, that Joe
19 is a little old for high school. You might as well give him a shitty goatee and a job at the paper
wait
"Dear, come see. The impoverished Hardy Boys are here."
The Steele books were notoriously bad at this. Every sex scene in Cold Steele featured a 15 year old
A thirty-minute drive to an affluent community just south of the affluent community they live in. I'm genuinely surprised the author didn't point out they had to drive through "the ghetto" to get there.
"The ghetto" is the term for the one house owned by an Italian family
No that's the gelato
"Ohoho, Carol. Can you believe those silly people only have a three car garage? And they think they're real people because of it?"
"We should have our gardeners spit on them"
This kid is definitely a plant
"Is the twist that it's a human?"
"No. Well, maybe. Fuck you"
Remember how the last book we read had a fiction writer who thought the stuff he made up was real? Why is this guy doing the same thing?
I wonder where this is going
Carrier Wave?
Everyone here, I want you to go to a crowded place and cup your ear. Tell me if that helps you pinpoint a muffled noise.
WHAT? SORRY, CAN'T HEAR YOU
"PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE SCREAMING"
That's just the sound of the guest singer doing warmups
"THOSE ARE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT"
We know what the masks look like, Dixon
Special Effects, a thing typically found at a book reading
"ARE YOU READY TO RAWWWWK?"
I'm calling it now. Everything that happens is a fakeout. Stevens did it.
Hecklers now, sure
Can't have a book reading without them
I love that the book can't have two heavyset men, so this guy just has big bones.
You sound like Deke Ramsey
A real name
It's true. My friends call me The Deke
"Deke, I left a note on your nightstand. Why are you causing a scene?"
HOW DARE YOU PROMOTE YOUR BOOK, YOU HACK!
Neither of them know how these public appearances work
"Sir, the slam poetry contest isn't for another half hour and it's in Hall D. Please take your seat."
Accusing someone of staging a publicity stunt, at a staged and advertised publicity stunt
Cane Attack!
I'm guessing the screaming, blood, and shaking is still happening?
"Frank, now with 2 broken arms, knew something was wrong."
"OH MY, AND RAMSEY HITS FRANK WITH A CANE. HOW WILL FRANK RESPOND?"
Wait Stephens gets caned?
My bad, I misread
Corrected now
How dare you write books with things people want to read? How about I write about interesting things and see how you like it?
"You've always used marketing to overshadow me, a man who does not use marketing!"
For some reason I thought the us representative who got beaten with a cane before the south seceded was also Stevens. It was Sumner
REVENGE!
"Put the cane down, old man!"
I immediately made the connection, too.
Pile of goo
Stevens doesn't even get the dignity of a descriptive pile
Hahaha
The only way this makes sense is if Joe and Frank are the only people attending this reading. How does no one else intervene?
Or even say anything?
This guy is prat falling all over the stage
"Yeah, you suck! Get off the stage!"
They all ran away when the shaking started
Bunch of cowards those Stephens fans
Nervous as gazelles
I hope the mask crushes his legs, and then he's tied together with Frank and his broken arms. Together they can almost become a whole person again.
How's Joe getting out of this one?
I'm putting my quarter down on, "but it missed."
As long as the giant openings in the mask don't line up with them!
"Chapter 3.
The mask missed everyone and they all got up and dusted themselves off"
Pushed off what?
Imagine the headlines, "Horror writer TRAGICALLY killed"
Did he push off the goo?
I think he suplexed Stevens to safety
That's the best and coolest possible answer. So clearly Joe couldn't have done it.
There are heavy quotes around "tragically"
"Horror writer narrowly escapes TRAGEDY"
"We're SO torn up about it"
Perfectly normal conversation
"Don't act super guilty" she thought as she acted super guilty
Short, bald, expensive suit. We have our guy who wants him dead FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY
THE INSURANCE MONEY
IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY!
"By saying nothing, we assumed you were cool with that"
Hahaha
hahaha
There was something written on the back of the note I left on Deke's nightstand. Was that important?
That's how business works, if you don't sign the contracts it implies that you accept them
Everybody knows he loves publicity
Marketing his books like some kind of asshole
"Reckless endangerment" is a fable in this world
I want to hear the story behind "every cop in town knows that"
"We'll steal dad's business, sure"
"I'm the cop! Despite just arriving here I know more than you all"
Eh, even though they're always wrong, I find myself on the cops' side in all these books.
Oh god, Stevens is trying to spin this for book sales
Stranger danger
Why do writers keep trying to seduce the Hardys?!
I gotta drive for an hour before I can get in on this. I'm going to be really unsafe.
I refer you back to the description of them on page 1.
Ahh, true
Dixon wrote them specifically as author jailbait it seems.
Frank famously has mossy green hands
NIGHTMARE HOUSE
That's what Mark's ex-wife called it, even after the divorce
It's lines like that that remind me this is a book series for children we've decided to dedicate our Friday nights to mocking.
"Joe stared daggers at the fe-male"
I have no regrets.
The Lip? Fuck you.
THE LIP
Simon Hawke spits on you, ghost writer
MOISTEN THAT FUCKER
Damn, you both beat me to it
Two women? Joe will not be pleased
NIGHTMARE HOUSE!
just a reminder
Why are her laugh lines notable? Is Frank also upset by women being happy?
It's not much of a story
Yeah sounds revolutionary Stevens
"That sounds like it sucks."
"Yeah, I know. Anyway, instead I stole this story from Deke."
Spoooooooky
"Someone hopes I don't end up in hell! It's terrible!"
Compelling
Sounds hilarious
Couldn't even write a solution, huh, Mark?
"Anyway, thank god I have you two boys here with me. Now let's get into our shared bed for safety. I'm so scared."
I genuinely can't see a way that Frank and Joe get out of there alive/unmolested
No sense of self-preservation that Joe
"I guess we'll give the rapey author a shot"
You know those New England castles
Stone walls, but not load-bearing. Everything is waiting for an errant breeze
Frank trying to get his girlfriend murdered
Callie #12
Back up. What the hell is a walk-in fireplace?
If that phone works I will eat my shoes
Frank goes to the "only monument company in the area"
Just help yourselves, random strange teens
I'll grant you it would be weird for there to be 2, but it's still a bizarrely specific niche.
They are tailed in every book
It doesn't say "Zar Unbo" in the signature box?
That mentality is why they have the market cornered
"Hi, I'd like a commemorative plaque."
"Sorry, monuments only. We can only make it if it commemorates a historic event."
Great subterfuge here
hahaha
More husky people. Someone just found out there's more than two body types (lean/lean with tits).
I hope the thug is Ramsey's son or caretaker
Frank coincidentally gets a flat tire
RAMSEY? Could that mean Ramsey? Dick Ramsey to be specific. One of the 2 people we've met today?
It's a fan of both the Rams and Fonzie
RAMS EYYYYYYY
Do you get it? He's fat
Chet, you are not alone!
Next is a multi-page description of Frank and Joe being beaten to pulp
Meanwhile: Joe eats shit
dang
Frank went off by himself to get his girlfriend
This is just an elaborate ruse by Frank so he can ditch Joe and fuck his girlfriend.
Endlessly
He is still falling to this day
Tire smokescreen
"You'll damage the axle!"
"Why are you hurting me? I only came at you with a bat"
Yes!
Goon son for the goon dad
Carl
HI CARL
GOOD TO SEE YOU
"Don't worry, his next book sounds like a piece of shit"
Carl, your dad could have said that at the public appearance instead of "REVENGE!"
THAT DAMNED PUBLICITY
Better have some good publicity insurance to cash in on
That book sounds incredibly dull
Nothing better than a clearly white author writing about inner city gang members
Sorry had to leave for a minute, but:
You don't understand, my dad also wrote a book he probably shouldn't have
"Started"? That doesn't mean shit
"This doesn't really explain the other books. Or how you think 'fake haunted house' is an original idea"
If his readership fell for having one book with a similar idea as a new author, his writing must be generic
You can't kill Joe Hardy with a human-made ax
"Oh no! It looks like that axe hit you several more times while you were passed out!"
Callie had arrived to ask questions
"Also, computers explode"
"This book sounds really shitty, Joe"
I'd really like a source for the "typewriter wear is as distinctive as fingerprints" claim. Seems like all it could do is maybe prove what language the typewriter was used for.
Frank knew she would, it's how he had programmed her
It's their foreplay
Callie has to spend every morning reminding herself to not be too interesting in front of Frank, lest he be mocked for his blandness.
Stephens had a murder dungeon
Every room of this house is a deathtrap. You just have to slip and you'll get impaled on something
Or just be a moron like Joe
hahahaha
Joe, you dipshit
I like that Callie isn't stupid
That's a low bar in this book
Great joke
I just realized that not only has Stevens been horning on the boys, but he's also pretended to murder them. The Famous Author is becoming a type in these books
You thought you were going to die! It's hilarious!
Wow indeed
The author writing this knew only one way the fictional author would interact with two naive teenagers
Michelle needs the cops
Joe has not said anything to this woman
"She didn't even like the note I sent Michelle"
Joe: "why doesn't this girl I've never talked to like me yet?!"
Damn you, PUBLICITY!!!
PUBLICITYYYYYYY!!!!!!
A publicist produces publicity.
As far as I know, Fenton has never done anything
It's in their professional vows
And I believe that the Hardys stopped a hydrogen bomb, but sure, dad's more famous
Prove your dead dad, sport
Then maybe I'll think about it
"Put your wallet away. I know for a fact Fenton brands his children"
I think Fenton Hardy has been "out of town" since he went to buy cigarettes 10 years ago
"But you always loved lady publicity before? Just one last publicity injection for old time's sake, OK?"
Something that a human would say
Lipp heard this is a great way to get someone to kiss you
I assume Frank will take Lipp at his word and not check that he's dead?
Not quite
But he does just wake right back up
Chapter 5:
Lipp opened his eyes and slowly rose from the floor. Not poison, just my shellfish allergy acting up. False alarm everyone.
Loose Lipps sink ships
Lipp seems pretty chill for almost dying
Joe could not decipher these signals
Joe is so focused on this weird crush that he doesn't notice the very obvious clue about the contract
Dammit, Joe
Also watch out, that computer is about to blow!
Kinda on Bev's side. Callie is a terrible mole.
No matter, time to stalk a different woman
Just drive the Hardy Rape Van (tm) inconspicuously
I'm sure the woman who got a note threatening to carve out her heart won't mind two strange boys following her home
Sure, this seems important
She goes all out for Karaoke Night
"Why is the help doing stuff? Shouldn't they be waiting in the janitor's closet?"
Now Paul Giamatti stumbles in and wins the singing competition
"Ugh, I hate when the poors have ambition"
The fuck are you talking about lady
That's so perfectly crazy, it must be true
Crank up the cloning vats
He should not be able to instantly identify his girlfriend's scream like that
He hears it a lot when she runs the clothes dryer
Very uncommon occurrence when reading horror
"That's the intercom. Stevens is an asshole."
"All right gang, we're looking for a ghost or a speaker somewhere in the room. Callie, get your makeup so we can find this ghost."
"Shut up Joe"
Dammit @FancyShark. Funnier and pithier and faster.
I like yours more. There's a story in it
"I was wondering why there was a six foot gap between these rooms"
The contractor that built this house vomited when he first saw the blueprints