John
Don't go into the tunnel of clichés. There's likely to be a tripwire.
36: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #71: Real Horror Franklin W. Dixon
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Exploring the darker side of life can have very grave consequences.
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gellaho
He just writes books about his house?
gellaho
The Gruesome Kitchen Remodeling
John
Okay, what if, and follow me here, they filmed the movie here and there's nothing sinister going on.
FancyShark
The Bathroom of Insufficient Toilet Paper
The Garage With The Broken Tire Pump
gellaho
Joe, the fan that he is, somehow missed this
FancyShark
This would go a lot faster if they kicked Mark's ass
gellaho
Bold ploy
John
I was fucking kidding when I said they filmed it here.
Just the worst mole.
FancyShark
That's right, kids. In the '90s, a novel took multiple disks to store
That's why computers exploded
gellaho
Egads, computational discs
John
Imagine trying to explain to a kid today that I had a 3.5", 1.44MB floppy as a required school supply and it held everything I did for the year.
John
Thank god. Any plot or drama has been averted.
FancyShark
Of course Frank makes backups. He's a nerd
Antonio Malochio
If I forgot my homework I'd just run a magnet over a floppy and feign innocence
John
Whenever he used his computer. He spends half of everyday making backups.
gellaho
Hawkshaw is publicist speak
John
It's definitely not English
FancyShark
This terminology is much cooler
Or stupid
I'm not sure which
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
lol nobody has ever called anyone a hawkshaw
FancyShark
What if this whole book is just the writer's attempt to make hawkshaw a thing?
Antonio Malochio
I'm sure a pair of handsome teenage hawkshaws are THIS publicist's dream, at any rate
gellaho
Seems like important information
gellaho
The Lip Split
FancyShark
For a stunt, they killed a homeless person
Marketing books is weird
gellaho
They go to Ramsey's bookstore, which I guess he has
FancyShark
Ramsey is a fascinating puzzle of a man
gellaho
Murder time
FancyShark
Probably should have bolted that thing down. OSHA regulations and all that
gellaho
You'll never guess what happened. Nothing
John
Carl just screaming "innocent!" As he crushes two people.
FancyShark
Janet Evanovich novels fail to claim their blood
gellaho
Time to steal!
FancyShark
Joe begins confiscating copies of all the romance novels
gellaho
Hmmm
gellaho
So he doesn't own the store, just works there?
gellaho
But there's a family portrait
And has inventory control because there are no Mark Stephens books
FancyShark
hahaha
John
It's the wife/mom who wishes she fired them I hope.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
You know what I kinda hope all the Ramsey's and Stevenses all kill each other
They all suck shit
gellaho
Lady, you have a weird relationship with this dude
gellaho
Wife divorced and left
FancyShark
Ramsey pays for room and board with his body
John
He does have those big bones.
Ba-dum-tish
gellaho
REVENGE!
FancyShark
REVENGE!
gellaho
They leave and
FancyShark
So either Ramsey used to own Nightmare House or he and Mark are just hacks
hahaha, Dixon's writers and their love of Uzis
gellaho
Wummmmpf
FancyShark
"Guns sound like someone jumping in a snow drift, right?"
gellaho
Seems legit
FancyShark
Must be a publicity stunt
Antonio Malochio
Flashback to this dude meticulously cramming paintballs in an Uzi magazine the night before
FancyShark
Excellent name, @Antonio Malochio
gellaho
Joe was too stunned by the man's sweet Samson tank top
FancyShark
That shirt sounds badass
It doesn't really take guts to run after a guy with a paintball gun
Unless you're headed to an interview
gellaho
I was right. Too distracted by the tank
FancyShark
Ashfork: No One Will Ever Alter Our Name For Jokes
gellaho
No they don't
FancyShark
hahaha
He's called that because he got food poisoning from McDonald's once
gellaho
This lingo for paintball did not stick
Antonio Malochio
Oh god no
Not a LARPer
gellaho
"Yeah, we'll beat up high schoolers, so what"
gellaho
This ghost writer is really into muscles
FancyShark
Joe vs Big Lenny
gellaho
Greco thought "I'm going to stomp this kid" would work
FancyShark
Lesson 1: When an idiot lets you hit them, you hit the throat, the junk or both
So they were following the rules until Joe fought back?
gellaho
Callie accidentally finds everything
FancyShark
Computer disks are durable enough to survive being crushed against a box spring, sure
gellaho
Great chapter titles for a haunted house with three people in it
FancyShark
"Chapter Three - Bunnies!"
"Chapter Four - Ruin in the Halls of Anguish"
gellaho
I accidentally opened my snake drawer
FancyShark
Those snakes have been without water or food for days
gellaho
Joe decides to think like a crazy person
FancyShark
They play paintball around poisonous snakes? Hardcore
John
This book has gone off the rails. We went from arguing writers to paintball warriors and gym battles.
gellaho
Joe attempts to stealth his way into the secretaries desk. She catches him and decides to seduce the high schooler
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Checks out
FancyShark
HEY!
Fuck you, writer!
John
It's okay. You're one of the good ones.
gellaho
More accidental clue finding
gellaho
FancyShark
Have the notes been made with magazine clippings?
gellaho
If this is Bev, she is the least subtle criminal of all time
gellaho
The cut out heart one was
FancyShark
Interior doors are- what?
John
Callie shrieked, huh? You can't let her be a cool character for half a second, can you?
Antonio Malochio
The interior doors of this solid granite mansion are hollow? Sure
FancyShark
To be fair, she's screaming about a fire. It's the correct response
gellaho
I don't know if this is the prescribed method for fighting fires
John
Maybe if this was her first fire. She's been in more explosions than most at this point.
FancyShark
"Fine! Flames, what are you doing this weekend? How about next? You want to get lunch? How about dinner? Want to do something later?"
"Not that kind of smother!"
gellaho
"So, instead of saying Open Sesame, I'm going to grab at the book and yank"
FancyShark
Even Mark's locks are stupid
John
Interesting story Frank, but we're all on fire. Just hurry the fuck up.
gellaho
Bev is fucking crazy
FancyShark
Bev is having the best time
gellaho
She somehow flips the car over a rake
gellaho
Let me check if I missed anything
gellaho
Nope
FancyShark
The physics engine just gave up
Ohhh, wait. The RAKE went flying
gellaho
The car is still tilted
FancyShark
lol. That means they just watched a car do air time with no reaction
gellaho
Fucking Bev going wild out here
FancyShark
Go, Bev, Go!
This lady rules
gellaho
Time for some lady violence
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Fuck em up, Bev.
FancyShark
Defeated by a tackle. Bev, you burned so bright but so briefly
Antonio Malochio
A tackle to the waist, of all things. Every aspiring detective knows you tackle at the knees
gellaho
Jesus, this family is insane
FancyShark
BuwaaaaaAAAAAA?
gellaho
YOU MAYBE STOLE MY BOOK IDEA! SO MY ENTIRE FAMILY WILL COMMIT SEVERAL ACTS OF VIOLENCE AND ARSON!
VENGEANCE!
FancyShark
I love it. Every one of the Ramseys' first reaction is 'murder'
Antonio Malochio
If it turns out this girl was wearing coloured contacts to hide her grey eyes I am going to punch something
gellaho
This disguise is unnecessary
Antonio Malochio
FUCK
FancyShark
hahaha
gellaho
This family is dumb
FancyShark
"Who would believe the man that swore vengeance in front of multiple witnesses was responsible?!"
gellaho
Gasp
FancyShark
GASP
You monster!
Also, Bev has tetanus
Antonio Malochio
The nail sticking out of the brick corridor wall
gellaho
Carl doesn't seem capable of doing that to me
FancyShark
Ramsey, just chucking his kids under the bus
gellaho
Deke seems like he might have severe brain damage
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Don't talk to cops or brain damaged teenagers, is the lesson here
Antonio Malochio
Lipp should not still be taking drinks from these people
FancyShark
"Yes, Deke's a lunatic, but what of it?"
Antonio Malochio
After his mild poisoning earlier
FancyShark
But surely the Ramseys would not be mad enough to try poison again!
gellaho
I can't believe that The Lip would be so underhanded
FancyShark
If you can't trust The Lip, who can you trust?
Antonio Malochio
My spider-senses detect typewriter-related foreshadowing
gellaho
You are wise
FancyShark
Dun dun DUN
gellaho
Sure
FancyShark
That tracks
Like when I'm too tired to exercise, I call a movie theater
gellaho
Embezzling!
gellaho
Close to insurance fraud
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Spooky!
FancyShark
Embezzlement! The bastard cousin of insurance!
FancyShark
IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY!
Antonio Malochio
Except when it's REVENGE, plus also EMBEZZLEMENT
gellaho
The Lip's devious plan: to kill someone, sometime
FancyShark
To be fair, Stevens should be in prison anyway
gellaho
I bet they'll die this time
FancyShark
"So, shoot them?"
gellaho
Who would have guessed that the bodybuilding thug isn't up for assassinating high schoolers
FancyShark
Mac no want hurt tiny men. Tiny men annoying, not bad
Probably shouldn't remind the guy with a gun you can testify against him
gellaho
I'm very disappointed in you Bad Mac McCoy
FancyShark
Mac McCoy: You need snakes? I can get you snakes
gellaho
Randomly, here comes Callie and Stephens from a secret passage
FancyShark
Dammit, Frank
Hopefully Stevens absorbs the first hail of bullets
gellaho
"I won't make sure Joe is hiding in this iron maiden before closing it. I also won't notice how little resistance there is"
FancyShark
Seriously. The whole place. Deathtrap
gellaho
Stephens goes out like a coward
gellaho
Then Lipp just has a heart attack
FancyShark
The hospital turns both of them away, thinking it's another publicity stunt
gellaho
Luckily, there's a happy ending for publicity
FancyShark
PUBLICITYYYYYY!!!
gellaho
Does this author have agents and accountants confused?
gellaho
why would a new agent go through his old accounts
FancyShark
Yeah. That's...dumb
gellaho
Remember Michelle? Apparently this happened off screen
gellaho
Still don't know why the blues club was important
FancyShark
Suddenly, Michelle stabs Stevens
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Prettily is an adverb an editor should have taken issue with.
gellaho
Might as well give that maniac Ramsey money, it's not like he did anything wrong
gellaho
FancyShark
Ramsey responded to the good news with wild gunfire
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Frank can't conceive of anything scarier than insurance fraud.
Antonio Malochio
Wait, I just got the title "colours of the dead", it was about a white millionaire's idea of inner city gangs, right?
gellaho
I think that's more about gang colors
FancyShark
Gotta admit, that tracks though
Antonio Malochio
Yeah, I just really want to read that book
gellaho
The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #71: Real Horror has been defeated
FancyShark
Nice work, @gellaho !
gellaho
So concludes this edition of the Book Cage
FancyShark
And thanks, as always!
John
Thanks @gellaho
FancyShark
Nice riffing, everybody!
Antonio Malochio
Loved it
FancyShark
@John , you running more Hardy Boys episodes?
John
I am.
I turned on AdBlock on YouTube for this week as well
I downloaded the episodes too, but realized we need our hilarious auto-generated captions.
Antonio Malochio
So to recap, it was 3 different psychopaths all with the same plan, and the hardy boys bravely defeated the armed maniac with a well timed heart attack
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Fuck, I didn't realize we were watching more episodes, I'm at a bar.
John
They're on YouTube, so you can watch it later and read back our commentary. It'll be just like having us with you!
FancyShark
Adventure!
gellaho
It was uniquely insane in that way