🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ Poll Time 🚨
This time, the poll is like one of Joe Hardy's report cards: full of D's. Vote for your favorite pair of double D's using the matching reaction.
🏚️ #30 - The Deadliest Dare
🇺🇸 #38 - Diplomatic Deceit
🏜️ #49 - Dirty Deeds
Those are all strong
I nearly put a 🇱🇷 but then I saw bat country
Diplomatic deceit probably involves fentantyl hardy, though
Damn. Good selection.
I'm going with Diplomatic Deceit because no one misunderstands government operations as much as a Hardy Boys ghost writer
I'm gravitating towards Deadliest Dare because their scooby-doo-ish adventures are always the most batshit
The people have spoken! And once again, The Book Cage cannot escape the gravitational wall of France. The Hardy Boys are off to meet the pen pal of Frank's girlfriend, Callie. Exactly how tenuous an excuse for a plot is this? How much money will Joe lose to these international con artists? On a scale of 0 to Blind Justice, just how French will this be? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we read The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #38: Diplomatic Deceit.
@Brockway pin this or you might "slip" into disaster
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Shoplifting? This is gonna be off the hook.
Just spectacularly bad faces on this one
If I saw my brother leaping to his death, I like to think I'd have a more concerned look than one that says "oh no, we're out of bread"
That's just an o-face if you flip the eyes around
Frank, meanwhile, trying his Bruce Campbell impression out
I was leaning Jay Leno, but that works too.
I know it's hardly the most pertinent detail, but why does Hawaiian U.F.O. Aliens take place in Malibu?
"UFOs, have- have you heard of this? Get this, UFOs - Kevin I know you heard of UFOs!"
Just under an hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #38: Diplomatic Deceit. Here is the preview
Pocket sand!
Will Joe survive the five foot drop?!
LET'S NERD THIS, DUDES
This dude looks like Access from DC vs. Marvel
We begin with an incredibly dark joke from Joe
Joe is so jaded at this point
It's like he doesn't even remember his car bombed girlfriend
And Frank is oddly proud of how pent up he's left his girlfriend
Step 1 in any counterintel program isto get your access revoked and earn a rep for being untrustworthy.
Do you think callie knows how all of their other girlfriends died?
This particular ghostwriter has a very weird way of describing things
This is going to end with bloodshed
Joe has a weird racial angle to his insecurity issues.
Or he's letting some fantasies slip out
Target Acquired
"If she was ugly, I'd have brought this rope and collection of butcher's tools for nothing"
Hmmm, don't like this phrasing, ghostwriter
ew
I'm not comfortable with how coy Frank is
I didn't expect it to open with Callie almost exploding between the Hardy Bros
Just a quick fourth wall break to sell some product
Is Callie the one who did blow up?
Do they name their cases in universe?
Unclear. No one's ever called out a previous case by title before
This ghostwriter is trying to see how closely they can toe the line that Callie is going to get shared by her bf and his brother.
I think Callie's the one that keeps definitely getting murdered in horrible ways because they drag her along, but I think it was a different lady that got exploded
Not only did they name it, they named it in italics, like a book title, rather than quotes, like a file.
Also, hello everyone!
Like is one of the hardy boys writing these down Watson style?
I've only ever seen it once before. Similarly not within the story
They have to be, or else Chet would be the star
My money's on Frank, because he wouldn't see anything weird about showing how lifeless and robotic he is
Aw, don't you hate it when that happens
And Joe can't remember letters since the last explosion.
:Jaws cello plays:
Frank runs, grinning like a lunatic
This town must have the weirdest police logs.
They're extremely horny reports
Their dad is the chief inspector so I bet he buries them
They are in DC for this adventure, so potentially
Frank's grin only shows up when brushing his teeth or removing someone else's
Their pursuit is foiled by the subway fare
Turnstiles are stronger than any castle wall
God, all that guy's friends at the pickpocket club are going to make so much fun of him for this.
As always, characters must be slender
You can't describe Dracula and have the guy be French.
Ol' Hatchet Face Berot
The duality of Paris
Wait, this dude's going to be a Poirot reference, isn't he?
Wait wait wait
You mean the famously fat Belgian?
Paris is like the pickpocket/purse snatcher capital of the world.
You sound like Frank
Joe Hardy begins his mental negging
Maddy is voiced by a snooty mosquito
Joe, you bitch.
"She's asking her father where the library is."
"He's saying the library is over there."
"Now she wants to know if he's hungry."
Usually Joe is adorably misogynistic. This somehow hits different.
Pleasant girl
"He says yes, he is hungry."
EET EES BEAUTIFUL FRAUNCH NEM HO HO HO HO
Making Joe feel stupid is such a Maddy move.
Okay, Maddy is doing it for me
Don't lie to me about Joe's abilities, book
He picks them up on index cards. He doesn't comprehend them
"Joe the quick-witted tried to eat the bomb before it blew up another girlfriend."
I dunno, checks out to me.
This one has weird energy.
"It is a beautiful french name" is just dripping with contempt for the language her penpal and guide speaks.
The Hardys are tracing my St. Patrick's Day 2018 bar crawl right now.
These girls are so selfish, having a good time and ignoring the men
Frank, whose robot brain barely understands heterosexual love, is totally unequipped to understand a woman who has a crush on another woman.
Are we going with Maddy's actually from Long Island or Oklahoma?
Oh, my, I wonder who couldst possibly be the cause of this
GASP
It must be the Assassins!
But this is Paris, the city of theft
DEAD WHITE
This is Washington DC, the gutter of theft
Time to check that redhead box
Not always about you, Joe.
Washington DC, where we only steal from you in April.
See, Joe, that's where we differ. I don't find strong and self-determined women less attractive for it.
Later, Joe would find the manager drinking half-price at Madam's Organ.
Apparently Callie's getting a strip search in this store. Because store managers apparently have that power
holy shit
Callie really does have the worst stuff happen to her
Callie? Stripped down. Hardy's? Show me them pockies
Callie #4 is dying in that dressing room.
Just some real monstrous characters in this book
"Get the fishing line and the pliers!"
That Maddy is real bad news.
So the lesson is that the French are the worst
Transylvanians are pretty shifty too, apparently.
Real weird that your first move was stripsearching if you have video, lady
This is where we learn the redhead doesn't work there
This is where we learn Callie really did steal the scarf. She needed some excitement because Frank. Won't. Touch. Her.
Jesus Christ, Frank, you're supposed to be the smart one
Joe wrote this book
It's why the women are all horrible
gasp who would have guessed
Callie knows shes doomed herself by dating a Hardy, she has nothing to lose
Bold move, Maddy. Most people wait longer than an hour to plant evidence on someone they just met
DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Sorry, reflex
This gif will appear again when Maddy is revealed as the overall villain too
Maddy has diplomatic immunity and still framed her only friend in America.
Sure, that's what tennis is like
this is a prequel to Inventing Anna
Three-person tennis would be AWESOME
Joe doesn't know what's going on, just like a dog listening to its owners fight
"Oh, wow, they brought out their well dressed black man for this"
The hardys have an Ice
In defense of :waves hands: he's comparing him to other detectives, not other Black people.
Ambrose Wilmer: patriotic cricket
When you wish on Inter-polllllllll
There will be time enough for troubling depictions of "dark, gypsy-eyed, soulful Slavs" soon.
And member of the State Department, who needs to be involved in this shoplifting incident for some reason
I bet Lieutenant Grant's flow was tight before he got interrupted.
"I know you teach your American children secret hypnosis techniques!"
What kind of pankration catacombs is this diplomat lurking in?
This guy missed the bit about the pickpockets, obvously
"I've seen enough videos online of French girls getting led into doing naughty things. I know what you Americans are up to!"
Sure glad we wasted all this manpower on this scarf
"rabbity smile?"
Are his front teeth 6 inches long or something?
It's like a whale-y nod
I don't think they need your sharply honed detective instincts to pick up on that
"She's killed and will kill again."
"You must not have heard of us. We're basically invincible."
running out for beer, back in 20.
Don't shoplift without immunity!
Callie has been kidnapped and held at gunpoint by this point
She'll never be able to show her face in DC again.
Look, she really hates sitting in traffic, okay?
'So far' has never sounded so dire
Callie is beset by slender Europeans
It must be some kind of pheromone she gives off
Callie savors the only physical contact she's had with a man aside from that stripsearch
Leon le Profesional Passif-Aggresif
Surprise French danger powder
Chili powder? Mace? Nutmeg?
Guessing time! Make your wagers!
I say cinnamon. smuggled cinnamon
Honestly, Joe should be used to this situation by now
Paprika...a gift from our soulful Slav friends in...LES ASSASSINS!
Mrs. Dash
Old Bay Crab Seasoning
Appropriate MD answer, this is the correct guess.
Good thing Joe is so slender
Because there's nothing under a train that would pulverize flesh
Nobody guessed the Cajun option
GASP
Blinded by the bayou!
Somebody actually pulled this off in NY a few years back, so I guess it tracks
Dude flattened a woman having a seizure on the tracks, they both were fine.
Holy shit!
That's actually awesome
Pun not intended
Snack or perish, Callie
Babe you've barely touched your $14 french fries, is it because we're sitting in a hotel room instead of exploring the amazing food scene here?
Although I guess DC is still a couple years out from becoming a wonderland of ethiopian cuisine.
Joe Hardy reacts appropriately to almost dying
Jeez, Callie. Why are you such a killjoy? You'd think a lady had never framed you for shoplifting after being your penpal for years and then causing a potential international incident.
Saved for later
Pfft. Women, amirite?
Frank's looking to get rid of Callie
ALL the kids. It's an all-ages nightclub
Subtle Frank.
oh, a VERY horny ghostwriter, sir.
wait, invited out for a mud-fight?
Frank absolutely does not understand how that could be interpreted in the wrong way.
Ask your parents what Joe means, child audience
"Callie, wanna see my new computer game?"
Joe is smug because he knows he just hinted at them ordering a pizza and fighting about how they treat each other around friends
The straw hat/suit combo is very inconspicuous when touring the Smithsonian
Adrienne!
The Holocaust museum was such a blast, the Hardys didn't notice him there
Probably wouldn't like that comparison
If anyone tells her, I'll deny it.
Perfect choice for following someone
Ah, now they have a party animal pursuer
Frank is apparently unable to tell the difference between a shirt and a parachute.
ANOTHER great stalker choice
Don't stop the comedy chase yet, here's weirdo number three
These are the outfits I'd pick if I was filming a parody of undercover work
Minotaur?
"Hello? Al's Oversize Shirt Emporium? What's the brightest shirt you have for an elephant?"
What a weird way to describe a person
It makes it sound like Frank made out with a nose using regulation sunglasses
Jaundice the Slav?
These kids sure think everyone except themselves and their girlfriends are just ugly as shit.
They're being pursued by political cartoons
This ghostwriter is working through some body image issues.
They escape to the Capitol building, where the Frenchmen start loudly talking about a coup
It's pronounced "coo-pay" in Europe
You animal.
Frank needs some help identifying common objects
"trick of acoustics" is author speak for "Fuck you, he needed to hear it for plot reasons, kid"
Yeah, Joe definitely wrote this one
A couple problems. Knives don't look like paper. And why was he holding the blade instead of the handle? Did the handle fall off?
Callie has one of those passive abilities that makes all attacks aimed at other party members target her instead
"The man's ugliness gave him Hulk-like strength"
Way to back up your brother, Frank
I was more impressed that he had a rare moment of empathy. And Joe probably definitely deserved it.
jesus, Callie, what was your life like a year ago?
Just a parade of people walking in and running out screaming
If you want to stab a teen, make sure you use a weird knife
hahaha
He spent hours whittling that knife from a toilet
Poor bastard, he could have just broken a plate.
I, too, love shopping at Home Goods.
Second appearance for Chekov's dollar bill
At least give the lucky dollar to Callie you dick.
What are the odds of the bill having a tracking device in it?
France and Germany, together again
That dollar bill was also used to patch a hole in the Challenger, but it got caught by a light breeze
Hanging from the cliff, Joe saw his inspiration. He fed the dollar into the vending machine. The rollers pulled the bill up, then out, then in again. Weighted by the impossibly heavy Utz pretzels, the machine pulled Joe off the precipice.
I'm frankly shocked the writer didn't describe Ansel as Teutonic.
Ansel Elgort, wunderbar to choke you.
Frank's never heard a woman shout "You came!" with joy before
Author telling Tomas to go fuck himself
Foreign Chet!
Holy shit.
Tomas? Sounds Chinese
"And then Tomas, from who cares, because all those Mexican countries are the same."
Willem the Pillsbury Dutch Boy
As Joe watched, the kids united their rings and summoned Captain Diplomacy.
Can I get some freshly prepared soda for the table?
That carbonated water better be locally sourced
Tomas is from Iowa and is sick of people assuming he's foreign.
When you have immunity you can afford phosphate fizzes like it's no big deal.
Joe just can't deal with all these bad vibes, man
Joe hasn't even done anything in this book. They just know he sucks.
Those aren't bad vibes, Joe. Your tremors are starting up again.
Joe considers breaking the ice with a Polish joke
Joe assumes everyone foreign has hostile intent.
Joe sounding a lot like young BIll O'Reilly
Nah. O'Reilly's dad paid attention to him
"Oh , guess you guys have heard that one before. Did I tell you the one about why all Italians are thieves?"
Really harshing his buzz, man
"So a slav and and a dark haired Gypsy walk into a bar"
Tomas is from Knifetopia
Joe achieves international unity as every country decides to kill him
The slav says "I bet I can pleasure this American woman and her boyfriend will applaud."
"Jumped? I assaulted you. I don't jump."
"TO-MAS WHAT IS HOW YOU. SAY. JUMP. IN. YOUR LANGUAGE?" Frank nodded emphatically as he pointed to his mouth and throat.
The club manager has many angry German teens waiting for entry
Damn, Germans have had to face so much prejudice in this country.
Getting thrown out of a club? Time for murder
Nothing like angry German teens to let you know a club is legit
The manager rightfully hates the entitled children of diplomats.
So it's set on a course but he's still in the car?
A very poetic attempted hit and run
