FancyShark
I like that Ansel's response to not getting in a club is to kill Joe
59: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #38: Diplomatic Deceit Franklin W. Dixon
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On the high weire of foreign affairs, one slip can lead to disaster!
Archive
gellaho
German efficiency requires setting a course before driving
Damn teens all hopped up on soda
FancyShark
"ENCOURAGEMENT!"
gellaho
This ghostwriter learned everything about diplomatic immunity from Lethal Weapon
FancyShark
So the cops are letting this slide while CSI's focusing on the shoplifting?
dammit, scooped by the book
LyraV
Maybe find a way to give them a hard time about running people down in the streets?
gellaho
The attempted group murder continues on foot
FancyShark
So the key to conquering America is to send over enough diplomats to overthrow the military
gellaho
Joe's famous anti-Netherlands stance
FancyShark
America! Love it or...wait
LyraV
If only he'd had a Porsche to hit that Dutch kid with is a weird message.
FancyShark
God, I love how bad this writer is at understanding diplomatic immunity
gellaho
Frank comes along and Roadrunners Ansel
FancyShark
So there's no overarching plot here. It's just the Hardys fucking up asshole foreign kids
gellaho
Callie has learned nothing from the past day
FancyShark
Callie is a genetic descendant of a doormat
Gentleman Brendan
Diplomatic immunity just means you can't be arrested. You can't hit and run a US citizen and not expect to get revoked + deported.
Gentleman Brendan
Even a broken clock is White two times a day.
gellaho
They go to a burger restaurant. And gasp what's this?
FancyShark
It's a bomb!
or she stole his wallet
But I can hope for the first one
gellaho
Joe sees red
Gentleman Brendan
Madeline was in league with the US treasury
Je ne connais pas que tu dire! cooed the french sex kitten
FancyShark
She tears off her wig. "You are all AUDITED!"
Gentleman Brendan
But it was too late. Joe had her dead to rights. She SHOULD have said "sais."
FancyShark
Maddy's being very polite and not mentioning the expired condom from Joe's 14th birthday
gellaho
The old it fell off a truck excuse
FancyShark
Joe's already fantasizing about stabbing her eyes with icicles
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe definitely wrote that part.
FancyShark
Frank swears to put a better lock on the writing room door after reading this
gellaho
Joe, master detective and interrogator
FancyShark
"You know Nadine?!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Pffft he obviously doesn't know that many diplomats.
You need the soul of a murderer and the hands of a thief.
Like Henry Kissenger.
gellaho
She caught kleptomania
LyraV
and his magic murder bag
FancyShark
Any kind of scandal. Like his daughter being friends with a shoplifter
gellaho
I don't like this ghostwriter
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sounds like someone is getting a Hole Pocket Handjob.
FancyShark
We're all going on a list for reading this, aren't we?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You werent really reading if you arent on a list.
gellaho
"Stop looking in people's cars, Maddy"
John
I got distracted reading this, and was annoyed to find out family members of diplomats do have immunity. https://www.state.gov/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/2018-DipConImm_v5_Web.pdf
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
this is america, maddie. Everyone drives armed.
John
I hate that this book is right and I was wrong.
gellaho
There are easier ways to murder a teen
FancyShark
"Civil jurisdiction" is the key phrase there
John
Yeah, small victory I guess.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Yeah you can still sue a British diplomat if they run over your child.
FancyShark
And again, there's the whole "revoke immunity and deport" thing
gellaho
After this, they just book it back to the hotel. Maddy can fend for herself
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Or you can get Riggs and Murtaugh to just shoot the bastard
John
You'd think, but apparently not.
FancyShark
I'm sure Maddy's fine. She has diplomatic immunity.
gellaho
Soda up, soldiers
FancyShark
Callie twitches at Frank mentioning going down
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe pours two fingers of mountain dew, neat.
John
Frank accidentally drove on the rumble strip once and can't understand why she wants him to do it everytime now.
gellaho
French experts all of a sudden
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
What the fuck does someone who is involved in a military coup look like in Joe's mind?
John
"They also said a date. January 6th? Anyway, I'm sure it's nothing."
FancyShark
Yes, the group of people that try to hide in plain sight in straw hats and Hawaiian shirts and attack children with unique weaponry are clearly an elite organization.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Probably just misunderstood and they were talking about a chicken coop and used a Frenchified pronunciation.
gellaho
Time to stalk some diplomats
FancyShark
Callie, are things okay at home?
Most parents wouldn't let their daughter go through this much horror
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Her parents are probably dead.
gellaho
It goes really well for Joe
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It's a standard.
FancyShark
Tackled like pros. So the villains are football players?
John
God, I love the henchmen names in this. Shorty. Skinny. Old Ugly. Just watching a master artist at his craft brings a tear to my eye.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Toss that lad from a bridge like a professional!
Like in that movie with Jean Reno.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
they're european, so they're futbol players
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
When he splatters on the pavement you think one of them will yell "GOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!"?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I'm sure they'll have an elaborate chant prepared
gellaho
Frank follows the "diplomat" for a very long time through a circuitous route. Meets with the Ugly Man
gellaho
Frank somehow loses the uggo immediately after trying to tail him
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Professionals but can't murder some teens.
FancyShark
Ugly ninja
gellaho
Meanwhile, Joe is saved by Maddy just showing up and telling the thugs that the police are coming
FancyShark
Nadine?
gellaho
Yeah, turns out she's Nadine
FancyShark
Huh.
John
Gasp. The girl with Dracula for a dad isn't French?
FancyShark
Berot adopted her? Or she led a double-life?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
gellaho
Well, stealing diplomatic documents is a real step up for pickpockets
gellaho
This also explains why she wasn't as pretty as her picture
FancyShark
"Cute" or "stupid and lazy writing"?
ohhh
hold it
She's trying to maintain a secret identity and does that by staging a shoplifting incident?
gellaho
Just out here renting kids out for crime
gellaho
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That photo at the start of the book is madeline's last known photograph
gellaho
She's doing a very bad job in her role as a prop
FancyShark
It's a good thing there aren't any other reasons a creepy man would rent a child
A professional thief that didn't check if the target's family was having visitors
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Does......this ghostwriter understand what a "professional" is?
FancyShark
It took a while, but we're back in the sweet spot of hilariously stupid criminal masterminds
gellaho
Yeah, I can't imagine that someone called "The Beast" would ever do something untoward
gellaho
FancyShark
La Bete is much less intimidating than The Beast
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I'm sure he's just a real fan of the Ben Kingsley vehicle Sexy Beast.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Le Loup was taken already.
gellaho
Gotta question the obnoxious plan if you had to argue to spend time with them
FancyShark
Nothing makes a person go home like taking their ID and wallet
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You can famously leave the United States and enter another country without either one of those things!
gellaho
They happen to overhear the new plan
FancyShark
Seems like this would be a good time to contact the police and FBI and State Department
gellaho
You mean the guy from the state department that was fooled with stolen documentation
FancyShark
Yeah. Someone who can match wits with the criminals
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
They can't kill a handful of teens, if they got reported the police would just be like "Well this seems under control."
gellaho
I think it'd a pretty safe assumption, dipshits
gellaho
FancyShark
"They mean to steal the costume shop!"
"No, dammit, Joe!"
gellaho
They go to the French embassy, where Joe decides to act like he's in one of those "situation comedies"
gellaho
Because Frank is 800 years old
FancyShark
Joe is immediately maced
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I wonder how frank knew Joe was just acting.
gellaho
Nah, she just starts dumping exposition for no reason
FancyShark
He knows Joe doesn't like girls
She's actually an animatronic that gives visitors info
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
She's hit the silent alarm and is stalling until security shows up
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
French girls are notorious for giving exposition if you say they are pretty.
gellaho
Joe is given the opportunity to get an invitation by pretending to be the messenger. Instead he knocks all the shit over and steals one
FancyShark
hahaha, moron
gellaho
This ghostwriter also decided they should call each other big brother and little brother
gellaho
And I do not approve
They are 17 & 18, that is so weird
FancyShark
This writer has a lot of tells. I hope we don't run into them again
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I assume its not age, but dick size.
FancyShark
Oh, the Hardys do not fuck
gellaho
Costumes out of nowhere
FancyShark
Yes, being in a cab is what makes a sword dangerous
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Because the rules say you can't sheathe Layfayettes sword unless it tastes British blood.
So its been out for centuries, just mangling random American and French diplomats children during transport.
gellaho
They arrive at the party. Nadine runs away from them for... reasons. Then Callie beats her up in the ladies' room
FancyShark
YES!
GO, CALLIE!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah!
FancyShark
Callie walks out, covered in blood.
"She's handled."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
As the door swings open you can see broken sinks and mirrors.
gellaho
Time for two teens to take on a gang. A French gang, but still
FancyShark
There's a toilet someone appears hunched in front of, but they're not moving and water's spilling onto the floor
Wait, I thought Callie just beat up Nadine?
gellaho
She did, brought her out of the bathroom. Then Nadine told them that address
FancyShark
Wow. Persuasive
gellaho
Then Frank nd Callie leave in costume for "the bad part of town." An excellent idea if there ever was one
Callie, sated by her victory, forgets that she should be on the look out for guards
FancyShark
Bang
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Classic deer in the headlights.
gellaho
Luckily the guard does absolutely nothing
FancyShark
Frank punches the man until his face is little more than soup
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"THIS IS HOW WE MAKE SOUP IN AMERICA!"
gellaho
Callie wakes from her reverie
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It's a loading dock and the only thing she could find to brain a guard with is his own flashlight....
gellaho
Brilliant idea to start shouting during your covert rescue
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I assume the writer meant "Hon hon hon, Eye doo not zeenk zo!"
FancyShark
"Not Mr. Lumpy!"
"For god's sake, he's called La Bete. We went over this."
gellaho
Frank has mastered the French cayenne technique
FancyShark
Smart. When you've got multiple innocent bystanders, getting a gunman to fire wildly is just tactics
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
France is years ahead of us in the pocket sand technology race.
gellaho
Meanwhile: Nadine's kleptomania is running wild
FancyShark
Shiiiiiiny
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Little does he know you only need ONE hand to remove the Duchess of Leipzigs emerald necklace!
gellaho
I'm sure she'll be safe with the murderous German
gellaho
That has always worked out for the French
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Ansel is curious why Maddie has two black eyes
gellaho
Oh, and provoke him. Smart
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Maybe later he can breach your Maginot line, wink wink."
FancyShark
Ansel responds by retrieving a car and driving it into the ballroom
gellaho
Historical artifact threats
FancyShark
The blade falls off the hilt
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Its 200+ years old, how sharp could it be?
gellaho
"In what scenario would that general information help you steal it?"
FancyShark
"Smallsword"?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The secret origin of Trivius, one of Spider-mans less known villains.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Oh god, he's a Sword Guy
gellaho
I hate this ghostwriter's phrasing
FancyShark
I'm glad Joe amuses somebody
Yes, I'm deliberately ignoring your thirst, ghost writer
gellaho
Joe has time for costume considerations
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuck me they did keep it sharp? There should be nothing left of that sword by now.
gellaho
Lt Grant is back with the deepest frown in the biz
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
By the end of the night the top of Lt. Grants head has fallen off, his frown is so deep.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Theseus's Lafayette's Sword
gellaho
Bold moves by Paul here
FancyShark
Please tell me Grant is getting too old for this shit
FancyShark
ahhhhh
There it is
gellaho
Paul jumps out of a window
FancyShark
Now it's a swashbuckling adventure
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah, now swing from a chandelier!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He'd better sw..fuck!
FancyShark
Until Paul meets a guy with a gun. Then it's Homicide: Life on the Street
gellaho
Paul climbs to the roof and eats it after jumping
FancyShark
womp womp
The casual disregard for human life is the mark of a true police officer
gellaho
Then Joe jumps after him for some reason
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe has obviously never heard of the french art of parkour.
gellaho
Even though this is clearly Frank
FancyShark
Again, Joe clearly wrote this
gellaho
And none of them are wearing costumes, which is a real missed opportunity for the artist
FancyShark
I guarantee they found out afterwards and were pissed
gellaho
Weird
Gentleman Brendan
what happened after ansel hit the pole? i was grilling.
FancyShark
Maddy was actually a thief named Nadine
All the Berots were being held captive by a ring of thieves posing as them
Gentleman Brendan
ah
FancyShark
All to steal Lafayettes Sword
gellaho
Callie is still reveling in bloodlust
FancyShark
Also, the Berots have been freed from execution at the ugly guy's hands
And Callie beat the shit out of Nadine
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It seems to have made her blood horny.
People are pretending not to notice.
FancyShark
Callie's going to obliterate a personal massager
gellaho
The real Maddy seen here trying to angle a three way
Gentleman Brendan
she is ready to be a Hardy now.
gellaho
Leaving Joe to quip all alone
FancyShark
Frank thinks it's nice that Callie has a horny friend that will likely discuss whatever sex is with her
John
Nadine was so excited when she saw Frank, but realizes she made a mistake when the implied ménage à trois goes completely over his head.
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #38: Diplomatic Deceit
FancyShark
We did it!
Great work everyone!
gellaho
And so concludes this edition of The Book Cage
FancyShark
And thank you, as always, for doing this, @gellaho !
John
Thanks @gellaho
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I should have been on the discord sooner, this is real fun.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
We were on fire with the riffing tonight. Good work everyone.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
You're good at this!
gellaho
I made sure to put the right amount of emphasis on Frank's chin
FancyShark
We do this every Friday, @Karate Physics Flippant Sausage ! You're more than welcome to keep joining us!
Mo's Over, Synergy
yeah I don't have the attention span by this point on a Friday to drop in every time but this is one of our proudest traditions in this channel
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I sure as hell will! I love this kind of thing.
Gentleman Brendan
Thank you for guiding us through the horniest Hardy romp, @gellaho
gellaho
Horniest since Joe fell in love with that South American boy