gellaho
🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) Poll Time 🚨
This time we're encountering false and mistaken identities. Vote for your favorite by using reactions
🛶 #22 - Double Exposure
⏰ #84 - False Alarm
🏦 #102 - Wrong Side of the Law
45: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #102: Wrong Side of the Law Franklin W. Dixon
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Sometimes when you take crime head-on, you get caught in a deadly cross fire...
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Derpbat
...is that Brockway?
Holy shit, I have to choose that one.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I don't think that artist is familiar with how plate glass works.
Metal Sheepdog, Killology PhD
close to paper, right?
Derpbat
I still think that's Brockway back in his younger days.
gellaho
If you can't jazz hands your way out of a bank, you aren't fit to rob banks
FancyShark
Once we clear that, Double Exposure will be my second vote. It's what @Gentleman Brendan has been waiting for: a long-lost Third Hardy Brother
But armed robber Looney Tunes-ing through a glass door takes priority
Derpbat
Never has a more true thing been said.
Mudjacked Concrete Javo
Have we considered he has psychic powers and broke the glass with his mind
gellaho
He's pristine, so maybe
Derpbat
I think the most logical explanation is that the woman is in on it. And she has psychic powers.
Look at her expression. She's not surprised.
She's not scared or alarmed in any way.
She's concentrating. She arranged for her and her idiot boyfriend who thinks he's a detective to be here at the right time for her to help her henchmen escape, knowing that she'll never be considered for a moment as a suspect.
FancyShark
Joe's doing a great job of using her as a human shield
Derpbat
And that by the time her goons are caught, the money will be in her swiss account and she will no longer need them.
gellaho
Well, she's his girlfriend so that was bound to happen
Derpbat
Honestly, I'm more surprised he didn't throw her into the path of the glass instinctively, then leg it.
gellaho
It's also possible she's an evil clone
Again
Derpbat
Our baby's growing up.
Also, is Frank legitimately in the middle of a jazz solo?
He's got one hand raised like he's about to bring it down on a piano.
gellaho
It might be how he prepares his karate
FancyShark
Frank's a pure jiu-jitsu man. He's getting ready to flip that criminal back onto the glass
Derpbat
He's bringing karate back into jiu-jitsu.
gellaho
The ghost writers aren't particularly consistent. He's also done aikido
Derpbat
I feel like being a Hardy Boys ghostwriter has only one requirement, and that's that you know nothing about the Hardy Boys going in.
gellaho
No reason to wait, the people have spoken! We we will be reading a tale of suspense as a bank heist with "near perfect disguises." Will Vanessa survive this kidnapping? Joe has lost girlfriends before. We'll find out this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we read The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #102: Wrong Side of the Law. Smash for Cash, baby!
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway smash that pin button for some cash!
(in this case cash is purely figurative)
Brockway
I do not accept figurative cash
Mo's Over, Synergy
How about metaphorical moolah?
Brockway
I do accept dream bucks, but otherwise physical currency only
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Some say that dream ducats are the new hotness
Dammit, adjective-scooped by the master
Mo's Over, Synergy
Do you take Beenz?
gellaho
So either I Freddy Kruger you some money, or deliver it to you physically?
Brockway
Yes, that is it exactly
gellaho
Well, I don't want to impose. So, I guess it's time to be immolated by a vengeful mob
gellaho
One hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #102: Wrong Side of the Law. Here's the preview
gellaho
The more I look at the glass, the less sense it makes
FancyShark
Frank was used to seeing this when Joe was on a date
gellaho
We start this Hardy Boys adventure in a James Bond movie
FancyShark
Either James Bond or Wisconsin hunters
You'll be able to tell based on how drunk they are
gellaho
Callie's not a fan of these action movies
FancyShark
Callie doesn't appreciate the subtleties of SNOWMOBILE!
gellaho
Getting to the snacking immediately
gellaho
You know how you get movie theater concessions after the movie?
FancyShark
Eat candy and chips and drink soda to be in top condition, kids!
gellaho
I think Callie might be a 55 year old woman
FancyShark
"Hey, maybe you want to come with us to this volleyball game hosted by that sports drink company?"
gellaho
Callie is definitely retirement age
FancyShark
"They better not be getting funded by MY social security"
gellaho
The snacks will save us
FancyShark
Wasting no time getting to the book cover
"Oh no!"
<runs to the snack bar and starts eating>
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The last person I heard use the word deliquents was Fredric Wertham
gellaho
Now, the back cover said Vanessa got kidnapped
FancyShark
Back when mall security could shoot to kill
gellaho
This seems to suggest otherwise
FancyShark
The End
gellaho
OK, they just left Callie and vamoosed
FancyShark
ah, okay
That's actually smart
Except for conking her out
At least Frank and Joe are going to call the cops and let professionals handle this
gellaho
Is officer Con Riley from the middle ages?
FancyShark
Officer Riley can't wait for the day one of the Hardys gives him an excuse
gellaho
"Good morrow, fellows. Did you see the blaggards, perchance?"
FancyShark
"Ho, rapscallions! Whither the brigands?"
gellaho
Frank only caught part of the license plate. But apparently that was enough
FancyShark
There's only one silver sports coupe in the state?
gellaho
If it's going to reduce to one license plate, ghostwriter, why not just let him memorize the whole thing?
FancyShark
Joe, how the hell can he know the history of people he hasn't identified?
gellaho
Everything in Hardy Boys is named like a small town in the Midwest
FancyShark
Orchard Bay, where the produce practically leaps onto the docks
gellaho
I grew up in a town called Port Orange, where there was no port and there were no oranges
"Now hold on kids, no deductions allowed"
FancyShark
"Shut up, Joe"
Riley, the armored cars have schedules. This is not witchcraft
gellaho
HARDYS MUST CONSUME
FancyShark
Aunt Gertrude, who totally existed before this. We promise
gellaho
I can't imagine a more pointless series of sentences
FancyShark
Oh thank god, they're hydrated
gellaho
Why does Frank know this
gellaho
I guess I know what Brinks is, but that's national
I like that they feel comfortable enough to say Yellow Pages and Dumpster all the time, but are deadly afraid of naming any other brands
FancyShark
"Frank, stop calling here."
FancyShark
Must be a territorial thing
"You better play up the Yellow Pages and Dumpsters, or your knees are kaput"
gellaho
The Hardy Boys' only plan is to walk up and hope for the best
FancyShark
Who would have guessed armored money transport wasn't open to the public?
gellaho
Stalking is legal, right?
gellaho
Of course, they gotta eat again
FancyShark
"Craig was my brother. He died in Korea."
gellaho
At this point, they are eating every 6 pages
That's proof enough for me, LOCK 'IM UP!
FancyShark
I don't get how Bayport has maybe two restaurants and they never see the same people twice
"Fucker didn't finish his Pecan slice. Book 'im."
gellaho
Well, that backfired
FancyShark
They're metabolizing like aircraft carriers
gellaho
Hernandez has a point
FancyShark
Hernandez, you're clearly new to this job
Riley and Collig learned many books ago to just nod and hope the collateral damage is low
gellaho
"You kids help rob a bank? Free pie!"
FancyShark
"Thanks for scaring away my customers before the dinner rush!"
gellaho
Frank must think "armored truck" means "stage coach"
gellaho
You can just make armored trucks stop and open up right?
FancyShark
Sure. Just ask the guards to take a group picture.
gellaho
GRUDGE MATCH: HARDY BOYS vs... somebody
FancyShark
"You know what would help? Access to restricted evidence."
Because police departments are just libraries
gellaho
This ghost writer may have confused Frank with Joe
gellaho
"I can't believe the police aren't just rolling over and letting us do whatever we want, like the last 101 times"
FancyShark
Frank is experiencing rage for the first time in his life. There will be bodies
gellaho
I'm sure these kids in need will find the video production classes very useful, Vanessa
FancyShark
You kids all have access to production studios, right?
gellaho
The entertainment industry: famously open and full of jobs
Sounds like Vanessa is very invested in this
gellaho
The fuck is happening here
FancyShark
Vanessa was never told she was supposed to create videos to show kids how to cook, do laundry, create a bank account, find a good school, etc
gellaho
This grown-ass Irishman is going to murder this kid
FancyShark
The author got distracted a lot, I guess
Oh no. Gil!
This is before Gil was sent off to San Francisco where he'd be murdered by not-Damien
gellaho
Gil is straight out of a 70s exploitation movie
gellaho
If those starred muscular redheads
FancyShark
"Step off, you jive honkey"
gellaho
DO YOU GET IT, HE'S AN ANGRY REDHEAD
FancyShark
Gil then keeled over from a heart attack
gellaho
The last redhead died of a diabetic attack
FancyShark
RIP, diabetic volleyball guy
gellaho
I'LL GET YOU MEDDLING TURKEYS!!!
FancyShark
I think you're right about the author confusing Joe and Frank
Joe's the angry moron. Frank's the karate bot
gellaho
Everyone must have extreme body proportions in the Hardy Boys universe
FancyShark
C'mon, author. Give us Chet
Or give us more of Scarface. I want to know why that kid is there
Since he's obviously one of the robbers
gellaho
Ghostwriter takes some time to tell us about tying shoes for some reason
gellaho
FancyShark
Delinquents at the youth center are the source of all the latest trends
It's how we got hula hoops, Pogs, and heroin
gellaho
"This was easy, my basketball games usually end in gunplay"
FancyShark
Joe found someone as stupid as him. It's kind of sweet
gellaho
Any reason Pat couldn't be given one of the old teacher's offices?
FancyShark
Ricky's torso would wash up on a beach three counties over a fortnight from now
FancyShark
The reason listed is just a hastily scrawled "fuck pat"
gellaho
Flow charts!? Are you mad!?
FancyShark
Gail, you crazy bitch
gellaho
Lots of electronics plants in the Northeast
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The author just threw a bunch of half-remembered computer terms on the page there.
FancyShark
Jack certainly doesn't bring up his credentials every time a kid talks back to him
gellaho
Frank skips out on Arts & Crafts and discovers... the Turkey Menace
FancyShark
It's not like they changed Gil's entire personality with one shitty joke
The guy was going to murder over a stumble
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
Humans work on Broly rules in this book. One solar plexus punch makes them explode
gellaho
I'm so happy this author decided to have the whitest man keep saying turkey
FancyShark
Gil is the anti-Ice
gellaho
I love these pointless details
gellaho
Frank got the directions from a girl in a red tanktop, noted
gellaho
I'm trying to figure out if Gil is an adult or not
He was initially described as a tall, muscular guy, which says adult to me
FancyShark
Yeah. But then he's described as a tall, redheaded kid
Maybe he's going through puberty as we read
gellaho
That does sound like a Vinnie Alessandro
FancyShark
Anyone that doesn't give directions is filled with resentment
gellaho
I bet the karate instructor is Lisa Tang
gellaho
Remember the bank robbery? Me neither
FancyShark
Lisa Tang, the most Japanese name the author could think of
gellaho
Hey, Frank, remember when your mom got cloned and then the clone was murdered?
gellaho
Maybe settle down on the vengeance
FancyShark
Joe's enjoying Frank's rage
This is all a simulation. A virus has corrupted Frank's programming
gellaho
Let's keep the word attractive out of the kid's book, OK
gellaho
It's very weird these kids and young people keep getting described as attractive, muscular, and slim
FancyShark
Oval shaped face, because she's Asian. And her name is Lisa Tang. And she teaches karate. I'm ghostwriting for Frank Dixon and I know Asia-people
gellaho
Frank's brain does not compute lady karate
FancyShark
She beat him with a pure Joe strike
gellaho
Oof, Frank lost to an energy lady. That's embarrassing
FancyShark
GET IT. BECAUSE SHE'S ASIAN-
Okay, I should stop
gellaho
Didn't think I'd be getting such accurate street-talk in this Hardy Boys adventure
FancyShark
It reads like two narcs trying to learn lingo from a printout
gellaho
Joe decides to take this information and teach basketball
Gentleman Brendan
TODAY IS FRIDAY?
gellaho
The author helpfully reintroduces Gil, in case you forgot
Gentleman Brendan
It was thursday all day in my head!
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
same!
FancyShark
Don't worry, Brendan. All you've missed is an extensive tour of a rec center
gellaho
'Tis Friday. I hope you dressed casually as is law
Gentleman Brendan
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE THIRD BROTHER
TOMMY SITREP
gellaho
that book did not win the poll
FancyShark
But it will next time
Tommy's taking a break for a bit
gellaho
This book is mostly about a murderous redhead
gellaho
As you can see in the cover
FancyShark
Also, the book started with Frank's girlfriend getting momentarily taken hostage by bank robbers, but they left her at the curb once they got to their getaway car
Frank has sworn vengeance
Gentleman Brendan
My memoirs.
gellaho
Here's what you need to know: Gil is a muscular redheaded teen(?) who keeps calling people turkey
Gentleman Brendan
I can't believe I burned my vanishing eyesight learning python when I could have been brain-ogling '90s redheads even if they aren't angie everhart
oh. Well fuck off Gil then.
gellaho
The Hardys must eat constantly
FancyShark
Jesus, they never stop
They've eaten more in this book than all the others combined
gellaho
Alison's dad is an time traveling Okie from the dust bowl
FancyShark
Alison's dad tried to improve on "going out for cigarettes"
Gentleman Brendan
Have they looked for him at the pizzeria? better go to this pizzeria gang, all the kids are talking about it. Did someone say pizzeria?
FancyShark
Golly, that's a swell idea!
gellaho
Add Frisbee to the brand names they can use
Gentleman Brendan
WasteCo-brand flying discs
FancyShark
This isn't so much an investigation as a shitty "What I Did On My Summer Vacation"
gellaho
Reddening, do you get it? HE'S GOT RED HAIR
FancyShark
That's not how water works
Did we mention Gil's a hair-trigger psychopath?
gellaho
Are you telling me that basketball didn't kill him? Impossible!
FancyShark
The crowd then began to boo, denied their bloodlust
gellaho
MUST EAT
gellaho
Turns out Vanessa is also retirement age
Gentleman Brendan
The ball didn't explode?
FancyShark
"Joe, there weren't any hotdogs. There was that possum we found..."
Gentleman Brendan
mmmmaaaaybe if it displaced enough water to be ejected back up, but you would need to push it down yourself. It would have to go HARD to submerge itself.
gellaho
Fuck you
Gentleman Brendan
That burger does sound good though.
FancyShark
Now Frank's just taunting their bloodlust
Gentleman Brendan
This is not the Frank I know.
FancyShark
Yeah, this author didn't get the memo that Frank's a robot
gellaho
They finished eating. Then, they ate some more
Gentleman Brendan
"Gil had an unmistakably white voice, like the crown accountant of Hell."
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
So you're saying he's not skilled enough to prepare a good ol bacon-ladel?
gellaho
"Mah stars!" thought Frank, "A gentleman must always tuck in his shirt-tails!"
Gentleman Brendan
How weird would it be if you had a beach picnic with two college freshmen and read in the paper the next day they had been slaughtered at a gun buy?
FancyShark
What, again?
gellaho
The Hardys enact their only plan: walking straight up to danger
FancyShark
Because some picnics are worth it
"No, not a gun. I want condoms."
Gentleman Brendan
If you have a gun, you can tell whoever you're having sex with to not give you AIDS if they know what's good for them.
To be clear: the sex is consensual. The transmission is on YOUR terms.
gellaho
"You look like a cop, child."
FancyShark
Your health class would kick ass
Gentleman Brendan
"Hey, man, I'm cool."
This didn't work for me in HS, and it doesn't work for Joe now.
gellaho
Flawless fake name, Joe
Gentleman Brendan
"I meant--gulp--I'm the cool Hardy boy."
FancyShark
"Pardon me, fellow law-breaker. Might this be the way to the illegal goods display?"
Gentleman Brendan
JIVE
gellaho
This was written in 1995
And we got jive turkeys all over the place
Gentleman Brendan
Not even a callback to the Turkey moment.
They'd better go looking for their town's only Black guy so they can plant evidence on him again.
gellaho
"The man was disgusted, he'd gladly sell guns to a child. But a poor child? Never."
Gentleman Brendan
Joe's fake name is Karen.
Karen--uh, Hardy!
This feels elaborate when one of these kids would crack.
the cops have this in hand. There's no cloak, only dagger.
gellaho
Wait, they're consulting with their detective father? This is unheard of
FancyShark
"We have a generous layaway plan, but it requires proof of credit, punk"
Gentleman Brendan
Isn't Joe 18? There are Walmarts that'll sell a kid an assault rifle if his parent comes in, why's he buying a saturday night special when he's of age?
FancyShark
Fenton acted alarmed. Human emotions are still a mystery to him
gellaho
Joe is 17, Frank is 18
FancyShark
They're in the Midwest. Just tell the seller your ID's at home
Gentleman Brendan
I thought they were on Long Island.
FancyShark
Are they?
gellaho
"I'm pretty sure it's fake, dad"
FancyShark
I think the town names are throwing me off
gellaho
Bayport is in New England, that's all I know
FancyShark
Fenton, you're getting your children killed
If you have to explain why a name works, it doesn't work
Gentleman Brendan
The Hardy Boys have evolved since their debut in 1927. From 1959 to 1973, the first 38 books were extensively revised, largely to remove depictions of racial stereotypes
hooooo boy
The Klue in the Klock
gellaho
"I'm meeting with the president, boys. Don't look into my credit card history"
FancyShark
"No, Dad. She hates you. You always mix that up."
Gentleman Brendan
It has been a matter of disagreement regarding the treatment of minorities in the books. The early volumes have been called models of diversity for their day, since among the Hardys' friends are Phil Cohen, who is Jewish, and the Italian immigrant Tony Prito.[14] These two friends are rarely involved in the Hardys' adventures, however a level of friendship is reserved for Biff Hooper and Chet Morton.[7] The books have been extensively criticized for their use of racial and ethnic stereotypes[e] and their xenophobia. Vilnoff, for example, the villain in The Sinister Sign-Post (1936), is described as "swarthy" and "a foreigner", notes critic Steve Burgess.
Bayport is the most Long Island name that isn't a surviving Montauk word.
gellaho
Town names are hard
FancyShark
Con Riley, easily baffled by small distances!
Gentleman Brendan
Hoo boy, it gets weirder from there.
gellaho
Are you telling me something written 100 years ago was racist? I don't believe it
Gentleman Brendan
There's a passage about "This isn't racist enough against African Americans. Make it more racist."
JIVE
gellaho
You start talking about Beehive Savings right now, young man
FancyShark
That reporter's already gone feral
Gentleman Brendan
Barmet Bay is a fictional bay in Bayport, the setting for most of the Hardy Boys novels. While research links it to the actual town of Bayport, New York, the original Hardy Boys series never specifies the exact location. Barmet Bay is horseshoe-shaped, and stretches about three miles from its mouth at the Atlantic…
So it's just broadly Yankee.
FancyShark
Ah, my bad then
gellaho
Joe Hardy, shoving police evidence in his crotch
FancyShark
Riley is so fired
gellaho
I don't like the bulge talk, ghostwriter
Gotta take this to the lab, aka Vanessa's house
gellaho
Which I believe burned down the first time Vanessa showed up, but whatever
FancyShark
Vanessa doesn't know she can get free bus rides with her AARP card
gellaho
Oh, isn't that convenient
gellaho
gellaho
I'm mildly impressed they remembered to address that
FancyShark
Thank you, Insurance Fraud!
Gentleman Brendan
Probably references an earlier mystery where Fenton and his friends let Andrea's mom know Portuguese aren't welcome here. This is a clean town.
gellaho
Less impressed that the Hardys still haven't embraced VHS in 1995
Gentleman Brendan
Projection tvs weren't cheap back then.